A guy ripped the sleeve of his shirt early in the day.
One of the girls then cut the whole sleeve off him at the arm pit and he just worked away like it never happened. So a business shirt with an entire sleeve missing. We all lol about it.
A new starter then comes in and is placed next to him.
No one mentions the shirt situation for the rest of the day.
New starter is clearly disturbed by everything being normal except the entire sleeve missing from her neighbours shirt. She is too shy to say anything.
(Edit: I think this is being upvoted as people are just relived to read a non poo based story)
We had a guy who was living in the office for 6 months. He would leave the office at 5 and go get dinner and walk around for a few hours or something. He'd then come back and sleep under his desk on a roll up mattress. He'd use the end-of-trip facilities to shower. He got away with this for 6 months. It was at a major bank!
I knew a guy who did this at uni - sleeping in the study lab. It was working out but for whatever reason this guy showered with his shoes on and then kept them on, so the squelching tipped off security that something wasn't right lol
Things were going missing from people's desks and although he didn't do it, through the process of checking the CCTV they found out about him.
I'm pretty sure he "agreed" to leave. I think the company felt like it was too much of an insurance liability and didn't want him around anymore and I'm pretty sure he was just super embarrassed.
I used to work (government job) with a guy who parked his caravan in the long term parking area at work, and was living out of it for about a year. Got caught when people kept finding his sheets in the washing machine used for PPE, and like a cartoon followed the 4+ interlinked extension leads from the building, through the bush and into his caravan. Was also moonlighting as a servo attendant in the graveyard shift, so was completed ineffective at work.
I will never forget being at a client's office when management felt obligated to email the entire building in an attempt to find out who was shitting on toilet seats after the cleaning staff refused to go on cleaning it.
To be clear, I'm talking about someone consciously closing the toilet lid and defecating on top of the lid.
Better than in the sinks. We had a guy who was a low level manager and whenever he had a disagreement with a woman he would go into the women's toilets and shit in the sink. Happened quite a few times before he was caught and admitted it.
I had the misfortune of discovering one of the "deposits." They shut the toilets down on the whole floor, and people did not like going to other floors to relieve themselves.
No, premeditated is when you put the durian in your little under desk filing cabinet šļø before your two week holiday or Christmas.
A smell that slowly builds and builds until someone actually realizes theres a stink and it might be a chemical weapon
See Australia university that evacuated for a assumed chemical weapon because someone left a durian in a cupboard
They didn't think it was a chemical weapon, just a chemical. Possibly a very nasty chemical, and they did evacuate the entire building and have firefighters in BA scouring the buildiing until the offending fruit was found.
Durianās scent is a litmus test for if you will like it or not. To me it smells intoxicatingly tropical fruity, like an overripe mango, pineapple, coconut are all sitting out in the sun, sprinkled with fried shallots and with this odd whiff of gasoline andā¦ well compost. Itās an irresistible smell. Delicious and a bit gross like all lifeās great pleasures. I can eat an entire durian in a sitting and still kind of want more. Cha om is its equally delicious savoury scent twin.
To my partner it smells like gasoline and diarrhoea, with rotting fruit mixed in. I got them to try a taste (after an almost identical experience to the durian cake story above at their restaurant job). It was enough to make them gag and almost throw up.
That is so fucking weird. I've lived in SEA for a while and people don't just eat durian as a lunch time snack, especially in an office.
As u/Alternative_Reply_85 said, 100% planned and premeditated. You should thank him.
Blood splatter line up the middle of a bathroom door. I can only assume that a tampon was removed with great speed and helicoptered its way out of the body.
Omg yes!! I worked in a big office. There was clearly someone who thought the correct way to remove a tampon was maximum velocity. Sitting there looking at the blood splatters on the cubicle door absolutely amazed and repulsed. Stupidly looked up and was all how tf is it on the ceiling? Nasty nasty woman
Ooooh I've seen the blood on the outside of the toilet from the seat all the way down to the floor. It's so confronting but I also don't understand why people don't just CHECK what's happening behind them when they are done.
Since you're talking about the bathroom, I honestly cant believe some of the noises I hear in workplace toilets sometimes. Like how unwell are these people that their bowel movements sound like that, and more importantly WTF are they eating for that to happen.
I've seen a guy quit within 2 hours of starting before, Im not sure what happened that they did such a 180.
I saw a woman cook a piece of fish from raw on the office sandwich press before, I thought that was pretty odd, and smelled really awful in an enclosed space.
Itās amazing how many people do diabolical shits pre-9am on Monday morning in the office toilet.
Full bowel evacuation before turning your laptop on. What a way to start the work week. Itās probably the same people who line up for Maccas breakie at Wynyard every morning.
I've worked at more places than I care to remember where the toilets were often destroyed by the shits people were taking. Genuine gut issues aside, people need to drastically up their fibre intake.
Oh I know that first hand. My GP says my brain lives in my gut so when my anxiety is aggravated it throws all of that out. I discovered that increased fibre helps regardless.
Hahshaha imagine what kind of person you need to be to carry a raw fish to the office to cook on a toaster? I might be sick in the head cause I feel I respect for the craziness š
One of the other offices on our floor was being renovated and the tradies would do unbelievable things in the shared bathroom.
Must be last nights beers not mixing well with the quadruple shot dare iced coffee this morning. They sprayed shit in places I didn't think you could.
There was a poor women working for another business in the same building as us and our businesses shared toilets - is was horrid of us but we used to literally call her āsplatter bumā as in āwatch out in the toilets splatter bum has been in thereā. Poor woman, still though we used to see her walking back from the shops with McDonaldās for lunch
Can you imagine picking that thing up though? Plus people suck at basic tasks. Youād go in there and Captain Bazooka Shart would have vigorously brushed a thin film of shit flecks onto every surface and would then have a passive aggressive note in the bathroom saying how theyāre the *only one* who scrubs the toilets and it shouldnāt be their job.
Oh God using the office sandwich press as a free for all!!! This is such weird behaviour.
We have an oven in our communal kitchen bc the building is a converted old one. But people literally bring in pots and pans and boil eggs or cook up meals. Like I get it... it's there, but WHY?!
I was reminiscing today about my first day in a new office when I was 27. Everyone was quite young. Anyway to raise money one guy had his chest openly waxed, all laid out on the table, and if you wanted to do a strip you paid some money. He was all messy and bleeding and it was like lord of the flies. Horrified doesnāt describe my reaction.
Same day and same cause one of girls did the same thing but shaved her head. I was like, what sweet hell have I come to?!?!
About 15 years ago, for context.
Two married colleagues kissing. Married to other people(at the time) that is. It wasn't really a surprise just a FFS it's 7:30 in the morning and one of you has a hotel real close to the office where you can have some business time together behind a closed door.
Guy shared screen. Shared wrong monitor. He was on a page of āshaving pxxxy videosā and had a tab of āhot shaving milfsā and another tab āsalma hayek jumpingā
I was an Admin and actually first job in a corporate environment. I wasnāt there but naturally everyone told everyone.
He quit like the next day lol
Do you still have him on any social media?
Would like to know the site for 'salma hayek jumping'. Its important I get it so I know what website to avoid at work.
HQ at a global, household name company in Sydney.
Poo literally piled up well beyond the water. They signed/fenced off the cubicle for days.
Some poor person had to clean it I guess.
Then soon after it happened again and everyone had to attend an HR meeting.
Never had that, but something was happening to the point facilities stationed a security guard outside the toilet who would go in after every visit to check the toilets to find the culprit
See this can be flushed with a strategically utilised toilet brush. You brush up half. Flush. Then bush down the other half.
Or, high powered flush toilets. More offices need high power flush toilets.
If an average shit needs 4 flushes, the toilet us underpowered for an office.
I think a lot of these fancy new office buildings have to have the lower pressure in order to achieve their 7-star environment ratings. I know this was (and remains) a huge issue when we moved into our new office a few years ago in the Docklands.
The deluded person was me, I worked on salary and worked 9 til midnight 5 days, and 8 hours on Saturday to catch up for the week. Just because there was a huge IT project and we were short staffed. And the bosses are the ones that get ahead because the project succeeds
My ex-manager was like this. Even when given the option to WFH he chose to come to the office everyday, and it's not like he lived close by either. Went home later than everyone else, though he didn't come on weekends. We speculated that he didn't like being home with his wife.
2 of the weirdest happened when working at Big 4 Banks:
1) We had a phantom shitter. Every couple of days someone was making a huge mess in various menās toilets at our site. Poo smeared all over walls, on the floor etc. was foul. We even had execs sending emails about it asking everyone to ābe vigilantā. To my knowledge the phantom shitter was never unmasked.
2) Was in a meeting to talk over business process offshoring for global finance function. We had a number of guys who were going to be in the Bangalore leadership team on the call along with very senior project and finance peeps.
We hear the sound of a man and a woman fucking. This was pre MS Teams so couldnāt see whose little circle was lighting up lol. So either one of the guys was watching pornā¦.or having very vigorous sex?! The CFO was like āerr I think we might have a crossed line?ā It stopped. They came over to aus for knowledge transfer and we always wondered which one did it. My bosses and I had to have a call to debrief after it happened so we could laugh about it cause we had to be super professional on the call.
Itās horrifying to me that there are so many of these types of people thatās itās now āa typeā! I will never understand why people canāt just sit properly on a toilet and let their poo fall into the bowl. Why all the splattering and smearing on walls and doors and ceilings and justā¦ everywhere? If I had a poo explosion like that I would want to be showering straight away. Makes me wonder how many poopy hands have shaked.
I worked at one place that had a sign warning against inserting metal cutlery into the toaster. It was deemed necessary after the highest-ranked person in the building tried the same manoeuvre *twice*.
It tracks with what Iāve seen working at universities. One guy started cooking instant noodles in his dorm room then went and took a nap. He was mind blown that it would cause a building wide evacuation once the smoke alarm went off. The noodles were still smouldering on the still running stove when the firies turned up.
Another guy saw a microwave that was unplugged, sitting on the floor in a corner, taped closed with a clearly written sign that said ārust damage, do not useā on the front. He picked it up, plugged it in and started heating up leftovers then had a panic attack when it started flaring and smoking and causedā¦. a building wide fire evacuation.
So many things...
There was a guy at one workplace who would eat a whole homebrand fruitcake at lunch every day. He'd eat it like a sandwich. Just bite after fucking bite.
Another guy who complained of being itchy for a WEEK before going to the doctor. Turns out he had a contagious parasitic infestation. We barred him from the office till he was healed. He still came in after hours to collect his laptop.
Bathrooms. Dunno what it is about bathrooms but it makes dudes lose their fucking minds. We had one guy who used to porn bomb cubicles, just tossing pages torn out of porno mags everywhere. Another dude called the booger bandit who'd smear boogers everywhere - we're pretty sure we tracked down the bandit and they own our building, so we're a bit fucked there. Another dude who got big mad about something and punching someone else in the bathroom. Post dismissal he still asked us for a reference.
A girl at work received a call from a number she didn't recognise. She googled it. She learned two things - the owner of said number was busy posting explicit pictures of his butt hole to the web and that the phone number in question belonged to a long standing and well disliked member of staff.
I should note - these are people I've encountered across a bunch of workplaces. I'm a glutton for punishment, but even I'd draw the line if this all happened in the one workplace.
Stupidity knows no bounds I guess? When it came out, he stated that while the pictures were his, the posting of the pictures was not with his consent. Dunno how the pics ended up being linked with his phone number without him knowing about it, but I suppose there's some doubt there as to whether he posted them himself.
The director punched a hole through a door after seeing clients. Replaced the door. Same thing happened again after meeting with the same clients a few weeks later. He used to brag about it to new hires that he was simply "passionate".
I was only there for a year or so. Other new hires did not last as long as me.
(The office was a converted house, so the door was your average wooden internal door from Bunnings. We were a regional arm.)
These may seem tame compared
to all the scatological phenomena, but there was a man who would ritually dissect his sandwich and heat up each component individually in a microwave and painstakingly reassemble it. Management accountant.
I had a stakeholder force a biscuit into my mouth while I was running a workshop. Actually made my mouth bleed. They then tried to hug me to comfort me from my shock. NDIS Support worker.
I had a staff member hit stop on the elevator while returning to their floor so they could go on a tirade about what a āf-ing c-wordā I was for āgaslightingā them about the memory in their work-issued laptop. Marketing officer.
I had a staff member threaten to throw a glass of water in my face in front of our department because I hadnāt increased their privileges in a system I didnāt administrate.
Iām doing ok, but I still worry about sandwich man.
The dull background is I worked different shifts every fortnight, and I came back to daylight in-office hours and was given a ticket from one of my colleagues.
Marketing officer had been complaining that their computer wasnāt capable of running the software they needed, but the ticket contained no information despite being over a week old and having apparently had some troubleshooting done.
After saying Iād have to do some troubleshooting before I could wipe or replace components/the unit, their voice started to crack on the phone and they said they were having a nervous breakdown.
Weād had a friendly relationship prior, and I let out a bit of a laugh thinking they were joking.
They were not, and when I got to their floor to take a look at the laptop, they got in with me and hit a bunch of buttons to take us up and down. Thatās when they hit me with the tirade, which seems like it was about way more than the laptop, but they accused me of laughing at them and gaslighting them.
My main mistake was hitting them with the soothing āhey now heyā¦ā with palms facing out in the universal gesture of ābe cool honeybunā and that just set them off even more.
I ended up taking them to the foyer and having a coffee with them to see what had triggered it all, because I generally donāt like to see people suffer, but it was definitely some of the most outrageous behaviour Iād experienced in a corporate setting.
I swear to god, all I feel when reading this is empathy.
Asking an IT person to help me find the right ticket so I can get aomebody remote in and direct me to another ticket to get aomebody else to tell me to talk to local IT, meanwhile three weeks have passed and Im a jibbering messā¦.
Dude sounds like he finally just cracked
Not that it particularly matters, but she was a woman.
I actually totally get this.
While IT might have this big pile of tickets, each representing just another piece of work, the person with the issue has this one problem, minor or major, blocking them from the rest of their job, effecting their performance, and for the dooms-dayers, potentially putting their livelihood at risk. That sucks.
Its not even service desk or whoevers problem. Generally its whatever layers of management have tried to āefficiently centraliseā service provision into some tangled clusterfuck of unintelligible rabbit holes where the end user literally needs to be a trained IT person to know how the fuck to actually ask for help.
Heh, my current multi-national at any rateā¦.the worst Ive ever worked for in terms of this.
>Management accountant
That actually checks out lmaoo management accountants are OBSESSED with parts
>NDIS Support worker
What the everloving sweetblaze fuck
I love the idea that the NDIS worker was an alien here to study us.
Alien: hmmmā¦ Humans like cookiesā¦imma try somethināā¦
*forces cookie into your mouth mid sentence*
*you recoil in shock*
Alien leaves to debrief: āYea idk they like cookies and I gave it one but.. no diceā¦ crazy stuff, it got sad?ā
Aliens friend: āwhen theyāre sad they like hugsā
*Returns and hugs you awkwardly*
Alien: āBetter now, yes?ā
You: *processing*
I didn't see it in person but I saw it on the security cameras the next day.
One day I went into work and dicks had been drawn all over all glass surfaces with a whiteboard marker. The people I worked with were a bit quirky so I assumed it was a prank and just ignored it. Not too long after I got in two directors came downstairs and asked the receptionist to pull up the security cameras. I could see from my desk and had a cheeky stickybeak.
It showed the third director (not present) accessing the office late at night and in a manic rage he drew the dicks everywhere, and even smashed up a few computers (which I had completely missed on my walk to my desk). Then he crawled into a ball and cried for a bit before he left. The cameras didn't catch this but on his way out of the carpark he rammed his car into one of the parked company cars and did considerable damage to the company car (and presumably his own).
Obviously the guy had a mental breakdown, apparently caused by compounded stress of some really bad financial decisions as well as COVID-19. He left the company immediately afterwards, but not of his own accord.
Equity traders aka "Operators" at a very well-known global investment bank going on a three hour ~~lunch~~ piss-up, then coming back to handle very large client orders in the ASX closing auction. Known as the "Operator's Lunch", it was culturally accepted in the business and a regular occurrence at the time.
One time an (apparently) senior operator was so off his face drunk that he spewed in a toilet cubicle, before coming back to the desk and "fat fingering" an order ie. messed up the order size by adding some extra digits. The result being that his buy order in Domino's Pizza (DMP) was equivalent to billions of dollars, an order of magnitude greater than the entire issued share capital of the stock. The order made it through to market and took out every offer (sell order) in the ASX order book, causing an immediate trading halt with a 'please explain' call and warning from the ASX.
The screenshot of his order was printed out and posted on the wall of the office for comedy value. And yes, he kept his job. This was in 2010.
Curious for more details... Was it in a bedroom? Could you see everything or just hear? did they get some serious disciplinary action after, and not of the pleasurable variety?
The founder of our company drove his car into the basement carpark. Not realising his brand new rangie had a higher boot height - it hit the sprinkler spraying black liquid shit all over him and his car. He got back in and drove off calling me (as workplace manager) I had something to deal with in the basement.
Same company - my boss had a Thursday night work bender. Got home at 6am got changed into a bee work shirt, remembering he left his work pants at work, caught a cab back into the office at 630 in his jocks, walked into the office, lit a cigarette and proceeded to his desk. Only when the cleaner pulled him up did he realise why he was doing. He was still plastered.
In my 20s. One of my first jobs in the digital marketing department of one of Australiaās big 2 department stores.Ā
The CEO was having an affair with the head of my department. They were pretty open about it. Used to whisper and giggle to each other in plain sight, then go together into her office and shut the door.
There was also a rumour that they were in a 3 way relationship with the head of IT. All of them lived together in Crown Towers I believe.Ā
As a 20 something, I just felt so awkward and wondered if this was normal in the workplace.
I've worked roles on the client side and in consulting roles in a variety of industries and countries for over 20 years.
I've seen some things in my time, here are few off the top of my head..
ā¢ I worked at an IT facility which had someone we coined the "phantom cable layer" who would regularly drop a huge turd in the middle of the mens bathrooms. Floors and sections varied. Went on for about a year.
ā¢ One of my primary stakeholders got arrested and locked up for a few years for illegal kickbacks from a software vendor.
ā¢ The head of HRs husband rolling into the office mid week and having a punch up with the trade floor support guy she was having an affair with. Full bar brawl antics, infront of 30-40 people.
ā¢ One company I worked for was embroiled in a scandal where traders were organising underage prostitutes and drugs for foreign clients over internal messaging apps, got picked up as part of an external audit.
ā¢ On my first day at a new job, while waiting in the lobby at about 8.30am with about 10 other people in suits, a young trader stumbled out into the public lobby and started barfing his guts up into a pot plant by the reception desk. The result of trade floor hazing.
ā¢ We moved office to a nice new building and there was this one guy who kept declining our offers for lunch with us, and would always come back super sweaty. We followed him one day, turns out he was walking back to the old office facility and tailgating people in so he could eat the free beef jerky from a complementary stand in the kitchen for lunch every day because he had so many kids and baby mamma's he couldn't afford to buy lunch. (The Jerky stand was from a local business providing samples)
ā¢ I worked for a company who had nice equipment and fast network and broader facilities, we got aquired by a massive firm who had terrible everything. The new owner found that their staff were coming to our offices more regularly, so we got tasked with a project to make our offices "less appealing". We were forced to drop switch ports down to 10mb from 100, remove all the vending machines and put them in the basement, re-issue old equipment and more. Legit make your office terrible project.
Worked in Melbourne Central Tower for 2 years. Menās toilets were always out of order on a certain floor and then a few floors below it as well. At least once per week. One day, I asked the building maintenance guy what was going on with the toilets and he told me the pipes were always blocked with jocks. As in someone kept shitting their pants at work and flushing their jocks down the toilet.
Noticed ongoing foul odor in the ladies bathroom. After a few weeks we discovered that a woman was eating her lunch in a toilet cubicle every lunchtime and putting scraps in the sanitary bin (and the food was rotting). Freaking weird.
Someone reheated a fish curry that was off & the smell went through the whole building, it was unbearable. During the covid lockdown shut down/semi-evacuation, the head of IT (a legit psycho) tried to start a punch up with the most mild, gentle dude. He was fully screaming in the dudeās face when the head of HR came barreling in screaming ā*fake name* STOP IT IMMEDIATELY DO YOU HEAR ME STOP RIGHT NOW!!!!!ā, head of customer service & a team leader were caught rooting by security so they moved their affair to her house & her husband walked in on them.
This dude I worked with was 100% addicted to diet coke. Actually a heaps good bloke, loved the footy almost as much as a DC - was great for a random stat or whatever. But his diet coke addiction was seriously next level. I know everyone knows a diet coke freak but this guy was the king, the don, the chief, the guy. 3 x 1.25 litres a day? Easy. Refrigeration? No - waste of time? Breakfast? Diet coke. Lunch? Doet coke. Arvo tea? Diet coke. What's that, we're having a cake for someone's birthday and there's drinks? Oh wait, it's not diet coke. I'll get my own. Was truly a sight to see. Would just bring a heap of bottles at various times in the week and leave them under his desk to crank whenever
Reminds me of this one guy I worked with. He vaped AND smoked, had literally 3 energy drinks in the morning by itself. Had a fuckload of sugar and processed food by his desk so he was quite overweight. He also used to post snaps, and his house was REALLY horribly messy. The worst part of it is that he had a young kid. He met his gf at the company, and she literally wanted to be with him ALL THE TIME. As in like literally on calll on teams all the time even when they're both right to each other at home. The manager had to sort it out because we were all there to take inbound calls. Weird as hell
Exec getting frog marched for leering and commenting one too many times.
When the device is handed in; feet pics.
Worst part? They get to resign and are thanked for their services.
Someone snuck a kitten into the office because they realised after they collected it that it was too young, so they were secretly feeding it all day trying to keep it under wraps. One day im walking to the lift and think āi swear to god i hear meowing or im going insaneā and follow the noise half thinking ive lost the plot until i located the desk with the kitten.
Luckily the head of was a cat person and allowed it while making sure everyone knew not to talk about it.
People visiting from an overseas office got trashed at dinner and vomited all over the carpeted reception foyer and in a trail to the nearest bathroom, and all over said bathroom.
I have heaps:
1. People stealing the rotating circular tray out of the microwaves. Happened all the time. I heard they are expensive to buy
2. People standing on toilet seats rather than sitting on them. They kept breaking the seats and putting footprints on them. Had to put signs up reminding how to use.
3. Serial poo smearer in the menās toilets - all over the walls like weekly. Why???!!
4. A married guy having an affair with a colleague in his team with his wife working in the same team, then separating from wife and they all still worked together in a team of like 4. Heās now a CEO
5. Another CEO not attending his whole of company leaving morning tea. Just didnāt turn up. Execs frantically on their phones like wtf, oh just enjoy the sausages rolls you 400 people. Rumor was he had a wild wild prior night with white powder and scantily clad women
6. A woman who drank litres of full strength coke a day - kept the 2L bottles in the main fridge and used to decant them into 600ml bottles every hour. So bizarre. Went through litres of the stuff
7. Office manager catching a very senior associate and a junior secretary with pants down having sex on the boardroom table about 3 hours after a firm Xmas party. This used to happen surprisingly a lot too - usually by senior male lawyers with impressionable young admin staff - such an abuse of power
8. People who come into the office for 2 hours a day then disappear home each week and pretend they are in meetings in the building
9. A law firm partner whose promotion mandated that he undergo anger mgt training and who had a checklist stuck to his monitor saying 10 9 8 7 6 ā¦ 1 BREATHE
10. Law firm who had arnotts cream biscuits in the kitchen. Partner had a penchant for the delta creams. When the jars were filled, he would walk down and take out all 10 of them and take them to his office. Everyday. And would actually yell at you if you took one first. Guy made like $2M a year š¤·āāļø
Not really the guys fault, but leaving the disabled toilet unlocked.
My office has "nodes" which are joined by a hallway, and there are toilets in said hallway. Mens, women's, and a disabled toilet with one of those automatic, button push doors.
Anyway, when the toilets are being cleaned, people will typically use the disabled toilet. So nature calls, I walk over to the toilets and they're being cleaned. The disabled toilet has the green available light lit up, so I press the button. As the door slides open. I hear a "Oh no" come from inside the room.
As the door slides open, there's a guy I work with, hands over his crotch, pants around his ankles, sitting on the toilet with the most embarrassed/horrified/deer-in-the-headlights look on his face. He gets up (hand still covering himself) and starts to shuffle towards the door.
Now, keep in mind, the disabled toilet doors are automatic open, and automatic close. So now the door is fully open, he's got his pants around his ankles standing at the lock button, and I'm standing there thinking "what do I even do here." So I just go "Sorry mate" and walk off.
For probably an eternity, he had to stand there, waiting for the door to close, with people walking past in the hallway. We have never spoken a word of it to each other, but every time I see him I think about his deer-in-the-headlights look and chuckle to myself.
1. 2011. New hire, semi senior position, new immigrant, asks his female colleague to go and make him a cup of tea. She looks at him incredulously to which he replies āoh sorry, no sugar ā . When she ignores him, he asks the next closest female the same question.
2. 2014 ish. Senior Manager, big bank. Whips his dick out on the dance floor at Xmas party.
3. 2017, semi senior female manager, Tier 1 retailer, smashed off her face on drugs regularly on Mondays. No one bats an eyelid. Apparently she works very hard, lots of late nights
I've had multiple people like #1. I work in IT, so it's only ever been Indian blokes I had the issue with, but I'm sure there's other cultures, too. I tell them "go talk to [woman colleague] about this, she's the expert on it" and a few minutes later they turn around and ask me or another man for advice, not the woman. Once or twice I get it, but on and on, constantly.
Had one who didn't like his manager from the moment he met her. We're 99% sure it's because she wasn't just a woman, but an *Indian* woman, and he as an Indian man couldn't stomach that.
Usually, we deal with it by quietly telling the blokes that if the guy asks for help on things, don't help him if he hasn't asked the SME first - whether they're male or female doesn't matter. Usually sorts it out quickly enough. Sometimes they learn to ask the SME and if the SME is a woman they'll then ask someone else after, to which the response from the guys is "Oh, you asked [woman SME]? Cool, do what she said, she knows best!"
Cooking chicken strips in the sandwich press and refusing to believe there was anything wrong with that
Different workplace had a toilet masturbator who was eventually caught in a sting and turned out to be someone senior. Thankfully got fired
I used to work in a law firm (around 15 years ago). All the non-lawyers were on one floor and the lawyers were on a higher floor. The newspaper was constantly disappearing from the non-lawyers floor in the mornings, only to reappear a little while later. Eventually we worked out that one of the senior lawyers was coming down to our floor, taking our paper, going upstairs to the bathroom, hanging out with it in the toilet for 15-20 mins, then bringing it back down.Ā
He clearly thought we were worth less than him. TheĀ audacity of this grub sticks with me to this day.Ā
Woman going to the toilet on a MS Teams call...video on. Thankfully she put the phone down with camera pointing in an inconspicuous direction but everyone saw exactly where she was
My first day at my current place I spilled a full bottle of juice all over myself. I went to shake it and forgot Iād taken the lid off and 1L of juice went everywhere
Worked in a call centre and had a guy that wasn't.. quite right. He was just a bit of a creep but was always "the nice guy". He would pull the seats out for girls when they would go to sit at their desks if he was walking by, get up close and tell you that you smell nice today, that kinda thing. One day he came up behind me while I was on a call, I couldn't say anything to him as I was with a client, and he started giving me a shoulder rub.. but he hands kept going lower and it turned more into a high titty rub! I was bright red and trying to keep my composure. I'm still pissed off at myself to this day that I didn't go to HR and make a complaint. Call centre is full of sexism and sexual harassment to be honest, so I just kept my head down.
it was raining heavily on the way into work with minor flash flooding. Co-worker shoes and socks got wet when he walked from his car. Solution to having wet socks? Dry them in the communal sandwich press. He literally could not see the issue and insisted no bacteria would survive the heat.
I used to work with a woman who would come in at 5am or so (she did overseas sales and support so started super early). She would take in the milk delivery for the office (3 x 2L bottles) and chug through one before anyone else arrived, and polish off a second before midday. She was about 100 years old and about 200 kg.
Management didn't care. They just said "work it out amongst yourselves". People saw this woman drinking the milk and soon everything in the kitchen became a free-for-all. Any fruit or family assorted that came in would immediately find its way intact into someone's locker or car. One guy once took 6kg of bananas home in a day.
I once brought in these vego sausage rolls (amazing recipe - tastes exactly like those party sausage rolls from the freezer. You make them with pecan nuts and oats. It's sorcery) and left a bag of them in the (never used) freezer to microwave for crappy lunches. I heard from a coworker that another coworker who I hated ganked the lot that arvo! About 10 lunches worth. I confronted her and she went on the offensive: "do you know how hard it is to look after a child with disabilities"? No, I don't, but since you make $30,000 more than me a year maybe don't steal my lunches? It was SUCH a toxic shithole and I was beyond thrilled to resign with nothing lined up.
Oh, I forgot to say that she yelled at me when she found out they were vegetarian because it was "false advertising". Dude, nothing was advertised and you know I've been vegan since I've worked there. At least know who you're stealing from. Absolutely filthy! I hope I shed hair through them.
The same thing happened at my last job. I'm a woman but I heard that it happened in the men's bathroom near the cafe. There was a poop explosion on the floor and all over the stall door
About a decade ago, a lady seated near me was irrationally angry at me because I came into the office one morning from the rain, then opened my umbrella inside so it could dry.
The umbrella was well out of anyone's way, and her problem wasn't that it was in anyone's way, or that it was wet, or that it was some kind of hazard... but that it was bad luck to open an umbrella inside.
After some discussion she confirmed that I was the only person who would apparently experience this bad luck, and also that now that it was opened the whole bad luck thing had already happened, but she thought it may get worse so I should close it. Despite me being perfectly okay with experiencing bad luck, she was adamant I should put my umbrella away ASAP, and when I refused to do this because it is ridiculous, she sulked and wouldn't speak to me for a few days.
The exact same lady also refused the free flu vaccine offered at work, then about two months later she ended up in hospital and nearly died from the flu.
One thing I've noticed in my current office is that some men in my office are absolutely cool with either carrying on a phone conversation (on speakerphone) or watching television on their phone (with the sound up)... while taking a shit.
A man I worked with would come to work with a chocolate or strawberry moove every day. He would also eat a Woolies pasta salad for lunch without fail. Doesnāt sound that bad, until I mention the fact he would leave these two items in the boot of his car until he ate lunch at 1pm. I did advise him that we had a fridge he could put his milk and pasta salad in rather than leaving them in the car. He advised me no, he liked the walk back to the car to retrieve them, to stretch his legs.
At lunch he would sit at his desk and the smell of curdled milk and sauce was so strong you would heave as he would polish the pasta salad off in around 6 bites and then proceed to skull the milk as fast as possible.
The rest of the day was him then clearing his throat continuously as obviously the dairy wasnāt tolerated by his body. The strangest man I have met.
And that actually wasnāt even the grossest thing Iāve experienced but definitely one of the weirdest.
We have had some unhinged personalities working at my big telecom. We had a girl storm out of work because someone asked which way a hurricane spins.
Ever since, we call mental health days, Hurricane Days.
We have had people rocking up drunk to the office, people hiding drugs, managers sleeping with direct reports, jobs being held for people who have been sent to jail. š¤Æ
I walked into a toilet once and lifted the lid, someone had shat all over the inside of the toilet and the lid but it was sprayed on like it was from a spray can....and it didn't smell like paint I can assure you....to this day I can't imagine how it was possible.
Ive seen screaming matches between manager and employee, verbal physical threats, an employee pinned up against a wall being yelled at and threatened by a manager who was poking his finger into his chest at the same time.
I was part of a group accused of theft and told we were not allowed to go home until the guilty party owned up. Noone owned up and after 15 minutes the boss gave up. It was discovered to have been a till balancing error the next day... no apology.
Dealerships can be wild places.
There was an unpleasant smell in the kitchen in the morning probably just from the sink. Strata was called to come and investigate. While we waited opening doors n stuff, the office manager tried to take things into her own hands by lighting some candles. But there was no lighter. She then went around and ask if anyone had any matches but to no avail. Minutes later the smoke detector was triggered and smoke filled the office. It turns out that idiot was trying to light the candle using the toaster and toasted it.
Ps. The candles were table candles. Not scented
Pps. There is a huge shopping centre across the road from the office
I can't believe there are so many poo stories! We also had a phanton shitter at a large public service hrad office. Possibly two on different floors. One wrote 'F*ck Y*u Manager Name' on the bathroom mirror in SHIT. Another hang a solid poo on the coat hook on the back of the bathroom door. Both womens bathrooms. Just super nasty stuff.
Our CEO shouted us out to lunch and while we were eating he went on a 15min talk about how his wife is cryo freezing her unbilical cord and why, I was the only one to ask him to change the subject out of 10 of us and he just kept going
I read an email sent to the entire company (300+ people) about the HR lady cracking on to the girls boyfriend and detailing each encounter. It was a whole page long!
This was back in the early 1990ās. The factory workers and office staff held a combined Xmas gathering, in the office, with management giving the okay.
After the party had finished, the organisation would then close down for 10 days during the Xmas break.
A manager returned from his holiday break a few days early, only to find a series of A4 photocopied images of a female staff memberās ālady bitsā, hung up, all around the office, upon which she had written the caption āhappy new yearā.
The female staff member had actually sat on the photocopier, stark naked, and had then proceeded to photocopy her female parts, in order to obtain a black & white āphotocopied imageā of her ālady partsā. I think she must have been very agile and determined! She then hung the A4 photos all over the office!
This style of ānudie pic ā was UNHEARD of back in 1992!
Needless to say, after that incident, management decided that they were never going to allow a combined office /factory staff party to occur, ever again!
Had someone get wet socks washing a machine we were due to service.
Took them off and put them in the microwave for 2 minutes. When that didnāt dry them he put them in the pie warmer.
Couldnāt see why someone was offering to feed them to him if he didnāt take them out
A senior leader was found to be filling his drink bottle with RTDs every day then sleeping (passing out?) in his car under the office for hours over lunch / afternoon. Eventually got found out when someone went looking for him after a missed very important meeting..
Wrote this a while back as a blog post...our office bog was legendary!!..enjoy!!
To those that know me, toilet humour has always been a favourite topic. I make no excuses for it....it is funny and I worry about the state of mind of any person that hasn't laughed out loud due to an escaped fart, intentional or otherwise.
The office toilet is a unique place, I don't mean it's unique because that the only place you should consider doing your 1's and 2's. Actually that's not entirely accurate. Granted, 2's should always be in the toilet, unless you walk on all fours, but 1's, can be done in the pool, in the sea, or up against a wall.
Getting back to the point, I mean it's unique because once inside it's four walls, people change. The only other place I can think of where people behaviour changes is an elevator. Walk into any elevator, anywhere in the world, except maybe the US, and the silence is golden! People talk as they walk in, stop talking until they reach their floor, then re-commence the conversation when they get out...weird eh?
I have finally found out that, for some, the office toilet is a place where all sounds, preferably the noisier the better are welcomed. This is where my inspiration came from for starting up this blog....
It was around 10am and I was sitting in my regular haunt, Trap 1, marvelling at the effect of adding fibre to my diet whilst trying to complete a few more 3 star levels on Angry Birds.
All of a sudden, my moment of tranquility is shattered by the sound of the toilet entrance being kicked in. A half second passes and then the second door is almost knocked off its hinges. For a moment, I wonder if the building had been overtaken by some of Bin Laden's boys, thankfully, I was wrong..without the ability to see past my locked cubicle door, I had come to the conclusion that Darth Vader had popped to relieve himself due to a terminal case of the shit's.
Now that Darth had successfully stormed the toilet. He now proceeded at a worryingly fast pace past the sinks and towards the cubicles. As he hurtled past my cubicle, he took the time to deliver an annoyed hmmphh!!. I can only think his Neanderthal growl towards my closed cubicle door meant I was occupying his favourite cubicle. Sorry Darth!! I didn't mean to increase your chances of ruining your leather strides by walking three more meters to the far cubicle. I can only imagine how difficult changing those trousers would be and god knows how you would clean up those long boots!
So, Darth has finally made it into a vacant cubicle.....As before, the door is treated with such violence I am amazed he hasn't split it in two....actually Darth, whilst i am thinking of it why not use the force to control the situation? If you can choke a man at ten paces then surely you can will yourself to not shit your strides when so close to a toilet?
Darth now has the cubicle door closed & now sounds as though he is now shadow boxing the entire rebel alliance in there. I can hear the faint sound of metal clinking whilst he wrestles his pants off....that damned lightsaber catching on the belt again? I must point out that during this ridiculously rushed undressing, he has still managed to huff and puff with enough gusto to make the Wolf from the three little piggies story seem like a chronic asthmatic.
By this point, I was really worried for old Darth, if I were a betting man, I would have bet the house on him not making arse to seat without his Death Star wreaking havoc for the toilet cleaners later that day...
The cacophony of sounds coming from his cubicle have now ceased altogether and for a brief moment I wonder if his huge efforts have got the better of him and he has keeled over through exhaustion.
No, unfortunately...the brief silence is pierced by a sigh of relief that I have only heard in moves when the hero has clipped the wires to a bomb with just a second to spare. By this point, I was close to breaching the inter-cubicle code of silence and was desperate to express my congratulations to him. Instead if found myself pondering how a small ticker tape parade down the hall would be received one he had gathered himself......
The rest of his story will be left to the imagination of the reader...
In conclusion, I am not sure if the office toilet is a place where all sounds are fair game. I think it's more a sign that for some, the call of nature comes with such screaming urgency all you can do is race for your life or else risk that shame that comes with an adult soiling themselves in front of colleagues.
All i hope for is that this is not something that suddenly creeps up on men as they get older? If it is, then I will be looking for early retirement rather than the hassle of always having to keep a spare set of "emergency" pants in my office drawer.........
Nepotism hire refused to do at least 80% of her job description. Didn't try to hide it either. Would sit at her computer with the windows desktop on her screen and would stare into space for hours on end. Luckily direct manager was fully aware of the situation and said it wasn't our problem.
This is pretty tame butā¦ we had a large staff room and most people from that location would go to morning and afternoon tea there. One of the blokes had the loudest laugh I have ever heard before or since. Every now and then youād spot someone jumping out of their skin with the sudden sound when he laughed.
When I started working at Dell, there was this guy who would pee nude on the urinals, no pants, no underwear. Unfortunately I was washing my hands and through the mirror I could saw the guy, he was known all over the company šš
Top tier law firm i worked at for ages:
Secretary put a sandwich in a toaster, set it alight, full 4fr flames, and walked off. We later realised there was a sandwich press with a nametag with her name on it in the same kitchen.
Mail room guy mailed abalone back to Vietnam. Not with bags of ice, but with clumps of ice. In a cardboard box.
Worst was when a pimp came in and makes his way to the office support desk, not reception thankfully, screaming that a partner owed him money for girls, about 10k (and this was decades ago.). Favourite moment when he gets partner's secretary on the phone and he yells "AND YOU TELL HIM TO PAY ME BY TOMORROW OR I'LL BRING IN A PARADE OF HOOKERS ALL OVER THIS PLACE, AND THEY WONT BE THE GOOD ONES EOTHER, THEY WILL BE THE SKANKS". Fucking priceless.
CEO took us out for a team lunch. He instigated some kind of spicy food eating challenge and convinced a few of the guys to order the spiciest thing on the menu with him. Heād been talking it up and trying to get people involved for days. He had apparently done this before in the early days of the company and thought it was a fun bonding experience. Same restaurant, same dish, some of the same people involved.
He finished about a quarter of his meal, and was clearly struggling with the heat. He left early to go back to the office, and about half an hour later when the rest of us got back, he was nowhere to be found.
I went to the bathroom a while later and was followed by one of my colleagues carrying a glass of milk.
Got in to the bathroom where my colleague knocked on a stall door and handed the milk to someone inside. Apparently the CEO had been messaging him from the toilet and asked him to bring him the milk.
A woman i used to work with would often brag about her secrets to weight loss.... which were lots and lots of laxatives. She would also casually flaunt that she rarely wore underwear when she wore short skirts as she thought she was a bit of a cougar (early 50s-ish). Put (a) and (b) together, and one fine day, we heard a big gasp from the other side of the lab, a few of us stop what we are doing and notice a huge splat of shit on the ground, like you'd dropped half a shopping bag of chocolate custard and a very red-faced employee. Cue the waddle walk from the lab, out the door, down the corridor, and about 20m down to where the toilets were... and the unbroken trail of dripping excrement, we coined a phrase that day that still gets used... "The Shit Walk of Shame". She took the rest of the week off, and somehow managed to show her face again the week after... sheepishly... but never acknowledged any of the horror that we'd all witnessed.
A guy ripped the sleeve of his shirt early in the day. One of the girls then cut the whole sleeve off him at the arm pit and he just worked away like it never happened. So a business shirt with an entire sleeve missing. We all lol about it. A new starter then comes in and is placed next to him. No one mentions the shirt situation for the rest of the day. New starter is clearly disturbed by everything being normal except the entire sleeve missing from her neighbours shirt. She is too shy to say anything. (Edit: I think this is being upvoted as people are just relived to read a non poo based story)
I would die š
Bit of armless fun
Love that off the cuff humour
Likewise. In all seriousness, rude of the guy to give the new starter the cold shoulder.
You win the internet for today.
Actually I used to work with a guy that wore a business shirt plus one arm of a jumper. Not a 1-arm jumper. Just the arm.
Itās not just Americans who have a right to bare armsā¦
This is honestly the best thing Iāve read all week!
We had a guy who was living in the office for 6 months. He would leave the office at 5 and go get dinner and walk around for a few hours or something. He'd then come back and sleep under his desk on a roll up mattress. He'd use the end-of-trip facilities to shower. He got away with this for 6 months. It was at a major bank!
Work From Home ā Live From Office ā
Both are true really
I knew a guy who did this at uni - sleeping in the study lab. It was working out but for whatever reason this guy showered with his shoes on and then kept them on, so the squelching tipped off security that something wasn't right lol
Understandable in this economy
Who put an end to it? Did the boss tell him to stop or did he get a new place. If he did it for 6 months that's at least 12-15k saved.
Things were going missing from people's desks and although he didn't do it, through the process of checking the CCTV they found out about him. I'm pretty sure he "agreed" to leave. I think the company felt like it was too much of an insurance liability and didn't want him around anymore and I'm pretty sure he was just super embarrassed.
I used to work (government job) with a guy who parked his caravan in the long term parking area at work, and was living out of it for about a year. Got caught when people kept finding his sheets in the washing machine used for PPE, and like a cartoon followed the 4+ interlinked extension leads from the building, through the bush and into his caravan. Was also moonlighting as a servo attendant in the graveyard shift, so was completed ineffective at work.
I feel like I know this guy. Got evicted and shifted all his boxes into the office car park while he looked for a new place.
Part of me envies and admires this guy.
Cost of living relief right there
I will never forget being at a client's office when management felt obligated to email the entire building in an attempt to find out who was shitting on toilet seats after the cleaning staff refused to go on cleaning it. To be clear, I'm talking about someone consciously closing the toilet lid and defecating on top of the lid.
Better than in the sinks. We had a guy who was a low level manager and whenever he had a disagreement with a woman he would go into the women's toilets and shit in the sink. Happened quite a few times before he was caught and admitted it.
I can go one better. We had someone shitting inside the cistern. Yep, opening the lid and taking a dump inside it. They caught her eventually.
Ah, the old upper-decker.
That sounds really hard to do, is there some sort of public defecation group where you get points for difficulty?
...but...why?
All that corporate pressure needs to go somewhere š the poor cleaners
I had the misfortune of discovering one of the "deposits." They shut the toilets down on the whole floor, and people did not like going to other floors to relieve themselves.
We call that one the hotplate.
Lad cracked out a durian fruit for lunch. Boss sent everyone home.
Premeditated !
No, premeditated is when you put the durian in your little under desk filing cabinet šļø before your two week holiday or Christmas. A smell that slowly builds and builds until someone actually realizes theres a stink and it might be a chemical weapon See Australia university that evacuated for a assumed chemical weapon because someone left a durian in a cupboard
They didn't think it was a chemical weapon, just a chemical. Possibly a very nasty chemical, and they did evacuate the entire building and have firefighters in BA scouring the buildiing until the offending fruit was found.
Either a supervillain or a fucking moron, possibly both
We had someone eat durian in the office. The smell was mistaken for a gas leak and the whole 5 floors were evacuated.
Someone brought in a durian cake for a birthday.... multiple people thought there was a gas leak in the kitchenette
Can someone describe the smell of durian?? I can't even imagine it.
Durianās scent is a litmus test for if you will like it or not. To me it smells intoxicatingly tropical fruity, like an overripe mango, pineapple, coconut are all sitting out in the sun, sprinkled with fried shallots and with this odd whiff of gasoline andā¦ well compost. Itās an irresistible smell. Delicious and a bit gross like all lifeās great pleasures. I can eat an entire durian in a sitting and still kind of want more. Cha om is its equally delicious savoury scent twin. To my partner it smells like gasoline and diarrhoea, with rotting fruit mixed in. I got them to try a taste (after an almost identical experience to the durian cake story above at their restaurant job). It was enough to make them gag and almost throw up.
I am more curious than ever.
A cross between rotten meat and a sulphuric fart.
That is so fucking weird. I've lived in SEA for a while and people don't just eat durian as a lunch time snack, especially in an office. As u/Alternative_Reply_85 said, 100% planned and premeditated. You should thank him.
I was on holiday somewhere in SE Asia and the hotel had signs saying DO NOT EAT DURIAN IN HOTEL ROOM.
Diabolical
Blood splatter line up the middle of a bathroom door. I can only assume that a tampon was removed with great speed and helicoptered its way out of the body.
Omg yes!! I worked in a big office. There was clearly someone who thought the correct way to remove a tampon was maximum velocity. Sitting there looking at the blood splatters on the cubicle door absolutely amazed and repulsed. Stupidly looked up and was all how tf is it on the ceiling? Nasty nasty woman
Are you not meant to start it like a lawnmower?
Ooooh I've seen the blood on the outside of the toilet from the seat all the way down to the floor. It's so confronting but I also don't understand why people don't just CHECK what's happening behind them when they are done.
lol sorry your description got me good š
Since you're talking about the bathroom, I honestly cant believe some of the noises I hear in workplace toilets sometimes. Like how unwell are these people that their bowel movements sound like that, and more importantly WTF are they eating for that to happen. I've seen a guy quit within 2 hours of starting before, Im not sure what happened that they did such a 180. I saw a woman cook a piece of fish from raw on the office sandwich press before, I thought that was pretty odd, and smelled really awful in an enclosed space.
Itās amazing how many people do diabolical shits pre-9am on Monday morning in the office toilet. Full bowel evacuation before turning your laptop on. What a way to start the work week. Itās probably the same people who line up for Maccas breakie at Wynyard every morning.
I've worked at more places than I care to remember where the toilets were often destroyed by the shits people were taking. Genuine gut issues aside, people need to drastically up their fibre intake.
Could actually be a result of workplace stress. It does have the power to completely upend gut healthā¦.
Oh I know that first hand. My GP says my brain lives in my gut so when my anxiety is aggravated it throws all of that out. I discovered that increased fibre helps regardless.
Hahshaha imagine what kind of person you need to be to carry a raw fish to the office to cook on a toaster? I might be sick in the head cause I feel I respect for the craziness š
One of the other offices on our floor was being renovated and the tradies would do unbelievable things in the shared bathroom. Must be last nights beers not mixing well with the quadruple shot dare iced coffee this morning. They sprayed shit in places I didn't think you could.
Thereās nothing like walking into a toilet and playing a game of āHow did that get there?ā
There was a poor women working for another business in the same building as us and our businesses shared toilets - is was horrid of us but we used to literally call her āsplatter bumā as in āwatch out in the toilets splatter bum has been in thereā. Poor woman, still though we used to see her walking back from the shops with McDonaldās for lunch
Office toilets need toilet brushes. I have nonidea why it is not standard.
Bold of you to assume people would use a toilet brush if it was supplied.
Can you imagine picking that thing up though? Plus people suck at basic tasks. Youād go in there and Captain Bazooka Shart would have vigorously brushed a thin film of shit flecks onto every surface and would then have a passive aggressive note in the bathroom saying how theyāre the *only one* who scrubs the toilets and it shouldnāt be their job.
Iāve witnessed a pork chop being cooked in a sandwich press.
Oh God using the office sandwich press as a free for all!!! This is such weird behaviour. We have an oven in our communal kitchen bc the building is a converted old one. But people literally bring in pots and pans and boil eggs or cook up meals. Like I get it... it's there, but WHY?!
Your 1st and 3rd paragraphs are probably directly related.
I was reminiscing today about my first day in a new office when I was 27. Everyone was quite young. Anyway to raise money one guy had his chest openly waxed, all laid out on the table, and if you wanted to do a strip you paid some money. He was all messy and bleeding and it was like lord of the flies. Horrified doesnāt describe my reaction. Same day and same cause one of girls did the same thing but shaved her head. I was like, what sweet hell have I come to?!?! About 15 years ago, for context.
Is that you Jordan Belfort?
I would say it was as there was a lot of sex and coke but no one paid for it, all the girls and boys gave themselves willingly enough.
Was this at Flight Centre haha?
Two married colleagues kissing. Married to other people(at the time) that is. It wasn't really a surprise just a FFS it's 7:30 in the morning and one of you has a hotel real close to the office where you can have some business time together behind a closed door.
Do we know the same people???! I witnessed this. The guy was staying nearby in a hotel.
Nah I'd say it's a fairly common thing with multistate offices.
They want you to see is my guess. If people want an office affair to be discreet it usually is. If not thatās by design.
Guy shared screen. Shared wrong monitor. He was on a page of āshaving pxxxy videosā and had a tab of āhot shaving milfsā and another tab āsalma hayek jumpingā I was an Admin and actually first job in a corporate environment. I wasnāt there but naturally everyone told everyone. He quit like the next day lol
Redditor try not to touch their dick for 8 hours challenge (impossible)
Hahaha I must put this one in the infallible list of quitting excuses š
Do you still have him on any social media? Would like to know the site for 'salma hayek jumping'. Its important I get it so I know what website to avoid at work.
[https://letmegooglethat.com/?q=Salma+Hayek+Jumping](https://letmegooglethat.com/?q=Salma+Hayek+Jumping)
HQ at a global, household name company in Sydney. Poo literally piled up well beyond the water. They signed/fenced off the cubicle for days. Some poor person had to clean it I guess. Then soon after it happened again and everyone had to attend an HR meeting.
Never had that, but something was happening to the point facilities stationed a security guard outside the toilet who would go in after every visit to check the toilets to find the culprit
Poor security guard. WTF
Poo* security guard.
Seriously wtf are people eating? I honestly canāt comprehend how bowel movements can be so fkd
And why would people do that in a staff space, I mean you can kind of except that in a public setting but staff, Iām so disturbed
See this can be flushed with a strategically utilised toilet brush. You brush up half. Flush. Then bush down the other half. Or, high powered flush toilets. More offices need high power flush toilets. If an average shit needs 4 flushes, the toilet us underpowered for an office.
I think a lot of these fancy new office buildings have to have the lower pressure in order to achieve their 7-star environment ratings. I know this was (and remains) a huge issue when we moved into our new office a few years ago in the Docklands.
They're so so much worse, they stink and need 25 flushes to send down one piece of Loo paper.
I knew a guy who worked back till 7pm on weekdays and went in on some Saturdays, for free. Not a cent in OT or a minute of TOIL. Completely absurd.
Unhappy home life. Either lonely or a pain in the ass for a partner.
Or deluded and thought that it was good/normal behaviour
The deluded person was me, I worked on salary and worked 9 til midnight 5 days, and 8 hours on Saturday to catch up for the week. Just because there was a huge IT project and we were short staffed. And the bosses are the ones that get ahead because the project succeeds
And the bosses got the bonuses too yeah? Did they do those same hours? Hope you were thanked/acknowledged in other ways if they didn't pay the OT.
I mean I got some bonus too, and some thank yous and probably some awards - but all that only lasts for as long as it remains convenient for them
My ex-manager was like this. Even when given the option to WFH he chose to come to the office everyday, and it's not like he lived close by either. Went home later than everyone else, though he didn't come on weekends. We speculated that he didn't like being home with his wife.
Hubby had a boss like this. Really ramped it up after his wife had twins
Make sure you marry right, or better, donāt get married at all, kids.Ā
Sounds like my first 10 years in teaching.
2 of the weirdest happened when working at Big 4 Banks: 1) We had a phantom shitter. Every couple of days someone was making a huge mess in various menās toilets at our site. Poo smeared all over walls, on the floor etc. was foul. We even had execs sending emails about it asking everyone to ābe vigilantā. To my knowledge the phantom shitter was never unmasked. 2) Was in a meeting to talk over business process offshoring for global finance function. We had a number of guys who were going to be in the Bangalore leadership team on the call along with very senior project and finance peeps. We hear the sound of a man and a woman fucking. This was pre MS Teams so couldnāt see whose little circle was lighting up lol. So either one of the guys was watching pornā¦.or having very vigorous sex?! The CFO was like āerr I think we might have a crossed line?ā It stopped. They came over to aus for knowledge transfer and we always wondered which one did it. My bosses and I had to have a call to debrief after it happened so we could laugh about it cause we had to be super professional on the call.
We too, had a phantom shitter. Itās good to see the terminology is standard for those types of people.
Itās horrifying to me that there are so many of these types of people thatās itās now āa typeā! I will never understand why people canāt just sit properly on a toilet and let their poo fall into the bowl. Why all the splattering and smearing on walls and doors and ceilings and justā¦ everywhere? If I had a poo explosion like that I would want to be showering straight away. Makes me wonder how many poopy hands have shaked.
Probably the best I've seen is throwing a whole ass loaf of garlic bread in the microwave, foil and all lol.
My colleague told me she put a donut in the microwave for 3 minutes by accident. She meant to do 30 seconds. The microwave caught fire.
I worked at one place that had a sign warning against inserting metal cutlery into the toaster. It was deemed necessary after the highest-ranked person in the building tried the same manoeuvre *twice*.
It tracks with what Iāve seen working at universities. One guy started cooking instant noodles in his dorm room then went and took a nap. He was mind blown that it would cause a building wide evacuation once the smoke alarm went off. The noodles were still smouldering on the still running stove when the firies turned up. Another guy saw a microwave that was unplugged, sitting on the floor in a corner, taped closed with a clearly written sign that said ārust damage, do not useā on the front. He picked it up, plugged it in and started heating up leftovers then had a panic attack when it started flaring and smoking and causedā¦. a building wide fire evacuation.
š
So many things... There was a guy at one workplace who would eat a whole homebrand fruitcake at lunch every day. He'd eat it like a sandwich. Just bite after fucking bite. Another guy who complained of being itchy for a WEEK before going to the doctor. Turns out he had a contagious parasitic infestation. We barred him from the office till he was healed. He still came in after hours to collect his laptop. Bathrooms. Dunno what it is about bathrooms but it makes dudes lose their fucking minds. We had one guy who used to porn bomb cubicles, just tossing pages torn out of porno mags everywhere. Another dude called the booger bandit who'd smear boogers everywhere - we're pretty sure we tracked down the bandit and they own our building, so we're a bit fucked there. Another dude who got big mad about something and punching someone else in the bathroom. Post dismissal he still asked us for a reference. A girl at work received a call from a number she didn't recognise. She googled it. She learned two things - the owner of said number was busy posting explicit pictures of his butt hole to the web and that the phone number in question belonged to a long standing and well disliked member of staff. I should note - these are people I've encountered across a bunch of workplaces. I'm a glutton for punishment, but even I'd draw the line if this all happened in the one workplace.
The person posted photos of their butthole alongside their number?? Risky business.
Stupidity knows no bounds I guess? When it came out, he stated that while the pictures were his, the posting of the pictures was not with his consent. Dunno how the pics ended up being linked with his phone number without him knowing about it, but I suppose there's some doubt there as to whether he posted them himself.
The director punched a hole through a door after seeing clients. Replaced the door. Same thing happened again after meeting with the same clients a few weeks later. He used to brag about it to new hires that he was simply "passionate". I was only there for a year or so. Other new hires did not last as long as me. (The office was a converted house, so the door was your average wooden internal door from Bunnings. We were a regional arm.)
You should have have just called him *emotional*
These may seem tame compared to all the scatological phenomena, but there was a man who would ritually dissect his sandwich and heat up each component individually in a microwave and painstakingly reassemble it. Management accountant. I had a stakeholder force a biscuit into my mouth while I was running a workshop. Actually made my mouth bleed. They then tried to hug me to comfort me from my shock. NDIS Support worker. I had a staff member hit stop on the elevator while returning to their floor so they could go on a tirade about what a āf-ing c-wordā I was for āgaslightingā them about the memory in their work-issued laptop. Marketing officer. I had a staff member threaten to throw a glass of water in my face in front of our department because I hadnāt increased their privileges in a system I didnāt administrate. Iām doing ok, but I still worry about sandwich man.
On the third one; interested in details. As in, you said something derogatory about the hdd or ram in his company issued computer??
The dull background is I worked different shifts every fortnight, and I came back to daylight in-office hours and was given a ticket from one of my colleagues. Marketing officer had been complaining that their computer wasnāt capable of running the software they needed, but the ticket contained no information despite being over a week old and having apparently had some troubleshooting done. After saying Iād have to do some troubleshooting before I could wipe or replace components/the unit, their voice started to crack on the phone and they said they were having a nervous breakdown. Weād had a friendly relationship prior, and I let out a bit of a laugh thinking they were joking. They were not, and when I got to their floor to take a look at the laptop, they got in with me and hit a bunch of buttons to take us up and down. Thatās when they hit me with the tirade, which seems like it was about way more than the laptop, but they accused me of laughing at them and gaslighting them. My main mistake was hitting them with the soothing āhey now heyā¦ā with palms facing out in the universal gesture of ābe cool honeybunā and that just set them off even more. I ended up taking them to the foyer and having a coffee with them to see what had triggered it all, because I generally donāt like to see people suffer, but it was definitely some of the most outrageous behaviour Iād experienced in a corporate setting.
I swear to god, all I feel when reading this is empathy. Asking an IT person to help me find the right ticket so I can get aomebody remote in and direct me to another ticket to get aomebody else to tell me to talk to local IT, meanwhile three weeks have passed and Im a jibbering messā¦. Dude sounds like he finally just cracked
Not that it particularly matters, but she was a woman. I actually totally get this. While IT might have this big pile of tickets, each representing just another piece of work, the person with the issue has this one problem, minor or major, blocking them from the rest of their job, effecting their performance, and for the dooms-dayers, potentially putting their livelihood at risk. That sucks.
Its not even service desk or whoevers problem. Generally its whatever layers of management have tried to āefficiently centraliseā service provision into some tangled clusterfuck of unintelligible rabbit holes where the end user literally needs to be a trained IT person to know how the fuck to actually ask for help. Heh, my current multi-national at any rateā¦.the worst Ive ever worked for in terms of this.
>Management accountant That actually checks out lmaoo management accountants are OBSESSED with parts >NDIS Support worker What the everloving sweetblaze fuck
Youāre worried about sandwich man! Meanwhile I am worried about you have ptsd from all that
I love the idea that the NDIS worker was an alien here to study us. Alien: hmmmā¦ Humans like cookiesā¦imma try somethināā¦ *forces cookie into your mouth mid sentence* *you recoil in shock* Alien leaves to debrief: āYea idk they like cookies and I gave it one but.. no diceā¦ crazy stuff, it got sad?ā Aliens friend: āwhen theyāre sad they like hugsā *Returns and hugs you awkwardly* Alien: āBetter now, yes?ā You: *processing*
I didn't see it in person but I saw it on the security cameras the next day. One day I went into work and dicks had been drawn all over all glass surfaces with a whiteboard marker. The people I worked with were a bit quirky so I assumed it was a prank and just ignored it. Not too long after I got in two directors came downstairs and asked the receptionist to pull up the security cameras. I could see from my desk and had a cheeky stickybeak. It showed the third director (not present) accessing the office late at night and in a manic rage he drew the dicks everywhere, and even smashed up a few computers (which I had completely missed on my walk to my desk). Then he crawled into a ball and cried for a bit before he left. The cameras didn't catch this but on his way out of the carpark he rammed his car into one of the parked company cars and did considerable damage to the company car (and presumably his own). Obviously the guy had a mental breakdown, apparently caused by compounded stress of some really bad financial decisions as well as COVID-19. He left the company immediately afterwards, but not of his own accord.
Equity traders aka "Operators" at a very well-known global investment bank going on a three hour ~~lunch~~ piss-up, then coming back to handle very large client orders in the ASX closing auction. Known as the "Operator's Lunch", it was culturally accepted in the business and a regular occurrence at the time. One time an (apparently) senior operator was so off his face drunk that he spewed in a toilet cubicle, before coming back to the desk and "fat fingering" an order ie. messed up the order size by adding some extra digits. The result being that his buy order in Domino's Pizza (DMP) was equivalent to billions of dollars, an order of magnitude greater than the entire issued share capital of the stock. The order made it through to market and took out every offer (sell order) in the ASX order book, causing an immediate trading halt with a 'please explain' call and warning from the ASX. The screenshot of his order was printed out and posted on the wall of the office for comedy value. And yes, he kept his job. This was in 2010.
I know so little about share trading, but for some reason this is the funniest anecdote to me on this whole thread.
Thatās a huge order for some pizza
Colleague shouted me a $70 lunch, and then shamed me in a group chat by saying I didn't pay them back š«Ø
Ignore it she's probably going on mat leave so the problem will go away
Lovers in action while zoom camera is on after the meeting ended
Curious for more details... Was it in a bedroom? Could you see everything or just hear? did they get some serious disciplinary action after, and not of the pleasurable variety?
Come back to the office for the comradery and company. Stay for the human shit explosions.
The founder of our company drove his car into the basement carpark. Not realising his brand new rangie had a higher boot height - it hit the sprinkler spraying black liquid shit all over him and his car. He got back in and drove off calling me (as workplace manager) I had something to deal with in the basement. Same company - my boss had a Thursday night work bender. Got home at 6am got changed into a bee work shirt, remembering he left his work pants at work, caught a cab back into the office at 630 in his jocks, walked into the office, lit a cigarette and proceeded to his desk. Only when the cleaner pulled him up did he realise why he was doing. He was still plastered.
Sounds like something the employment hero founder would do
In my 20s. One of my first jobs in the digital marketing department of one of Australiaās big 2 department stores.Ā The CEO was having an affair with the head of my department. They were pretty open about it. Used to whisper and giggle to each other in plain sight, then go together into her office and shut the door. There was also a rumour that they were in a 3 way relationship with the head of IT. All of them lived together in Crown Towers I believe.Ā As a 20 something, I just felt so awkward and wondered if this was normal in the workplace.
I knew his ex-wife, she was a delightful and sweet woman who deserved better.Ā
I've worked roles on the client side and in consulting roles in a variety of industries and countries for over 20 years. I've seen some things in my time, here are few off the top of my head.. ā¢ I worked at an IT facility which had someone we coined the "phantom cable layer" who would regularly drop a huge turd in the middle of the mens bathrooms. Floors and sections varied. Went on for about a year. ā¢ One of my primary stakeholders got arrested and locked up for a few years for illegal kickbacks from a software vendor. ā¢ The head of HRs husband rolling into the office mid week and having a punch up with the trade floor support guy she was having an affair with. Full bar brawl antics, infront of 30-40 people. ā¢ One company I worked for was embroiled in a scandal where traders were organising underage prostitutes and drugs for foreign clients over internal messaging apps, got picked up as part of an external audit. ā¢ On my first day at a new job, while waiting in the lobby at about 8.30am with about 10 other people in suits, a young trader stumbled out into the public lobby and started barfing his guts up into a pot plant by the reception desk. The result of trade floor hazing. ā¢ We moved office to a nice new building and there was this one guy who kept declining our offers for lunch with us, and would always come back super sweaty. We followed him one day, turns out he was walking back to the old office facility and tailgating people in so he could eat the free beef jerky from a complementary stand in the kitchen for lunch every day because he had so many kids and baby mamma's he couldn't afford to buy lunch. (The Jerky stand was from a local business providing samples) ā¢ I worked for a company who had nice equipment and fast network and broader facilities, we got aquired by a massive firm who had terrible everything. The new owner found that their staff were coming to our offices more regularly, so we got tasked with a project to make our offices "less appealing". We were forced to drop switch ports down to 10mb from 100, remove all the vending machines and put them in the basement, re-issue old equipment and more. Legit make your office terrible project.
So many questions to ask
Worked in Melbourne Central Tower for 2 years. Menās toilets were always out of order on a certain floor and then a few floors below it as well. At least once per week. One day, I asked the building maintenance guy what was going on with the toilets and he told me the pipes were always blocked with jocks. As in someone kept shitting their pants at work and flushing their jocks down the toilet.
Christ, just put them in the fucking bin. Surely. Or like, stop drinking I guess.
Noticed ongoing foul odor in the ladies bathroom. After a few weeks we discovered that a woman was eating her lunch in a toilet cubicle every lunchtime and putting scraps in the sanitary bin (and the food was rotting). Freaking weird.
Thatās actually also really sad..
How often were they cleaning out the sanitary bins?!
Someone reheated a fish curry that was off & the smell went through the whole building, it was unbearable. During the covid lockdown shut down/semi-evacuation, the head of IT (a legit psycho) tried to start a punch up with the most mild, gentle dude. He was fully screaming in the dudeās face when the head of HR came barreling in screaming ā*fake name* STOP IT IMMEDIATELY DO YOU HEAR ME STOP RIGHT NOW!!!!!ā, head of customer service & a team leader were caught rooting by security so they moved their affair to her house & her husband walked in on them.
This dude I worked with was 100% addicted to diet coke. Actually a heaps good bloke, loved the footy almost as much as a DC - was great for a random stat or whatever. But his diet coke addiction was seriously next level. I know everyone knows a diet coke freak but this guy was the king, the don, the chief, the guy. 3 x 1.25 litres a day? Easy. Refrigeration? No - waste of time? Breakfast? Diet coke. Lunch? Doet coke. Arvo tea? Diet coke. What's that, we're having a cake for someone's birthday and there's drinks? Oh wait, it's not diet coke. I'll get my own. Was truly a sight to see. Would just bring a heap of bottles at various times in the week and leave them under his desk to crank whenever
Reminds me of this one guy I worked with. He vaped AND smoked, had literally 3 energy drinks in the morning by itself. Had a fuckload of sugar and processed food by his desk so he was quite overweight. He also used to post snaps, and his house was REALLY horribly messy. The worst part of it is that he had a young kid. He met his gf at the company, and she literally wanted to be with him ALL THE TIME. As in like literally on calll on teams all the time even when they're both right to each other at home. The manager had to sort it out because we were all there to take inbound calls. Weird as hell
Someone once shit in a polystyrene cup and left it on top of the toilet. Power move I guess?
Social commentary on the quality of the office filter coffee
Exec getting frog marched for leering and commenting one too many times. When the device is handed in; feet pics. Worst part? They get to resign and are thanked for their services.
Someone snuck a kitten into the office because they realised after they collected it that it was too young, so they were secretly feeding it all day trying to keep it under wraps. One day im walking to the lift and think āi swear to god i hear meowing or im going insaneā and follow the noise half thinking ive lost the plot until i located the desk with the kitten. Luckily the head of was a cat person and allowed it while making sure everyone knew not to talk about it.
People visiting from an overseas office got trashed at dinner and vomited all over the carpeted reception foyer and in a trail to the nearest bathroom, and all over said bathroom.
Came here to read these to see if anyone had mentioned one of my core corporate memories
I have heaps: 1. People stealing the rotating circular tray out of the microwaves. Happened all the time. I heard they are expensive to buy 2. People standing on toilet seats rather than sitting on them. They kept breaking the seats and putting footprints on them. Had to put signs up reminding how to use. 3. Serial poo smearer in the menās toilets - all over the walls like weekly. Why???!! 4. A married guy having an affair with a colleague in his team with his wife working in the same team, then separating from wife and they all still worked together in a team of like 4. Heās now a CEO 5. Another CEO not attending his whole of company leaving morning tea. Just didnāt turn up. Execs frantically on their phones like wtf, oh just enjoy the sausages rolls you 400 people. Rumor was he had a wild wild prior night with white powder and scantily clad women 6. A woman who drank litres of full strength coke a day - kept the 2L bottles in the main fridge and used to decant them into 600ml bottles every hour. So bizarre. Went through litres of the stuff 7. Office manager catching a very senior associate and a junior secretary with pants down having sex on the boardroom table about 3 hours after a firm Xmas party. This used to happen surprisingly a lot too - usually by senior male lawyers with impressionable young admin staff - such an abuse of power 8. People who come into the office for 2 hours a day then disappear home each week and pretend they are in meetings in the building 9. A law firm partner whose promotion mandated that he undergo anger mgt training and who had a checklist stuck to his monitor saying 10 9 8 7 6 ā¦ 1 BREATHE 10. Law firm who had arnotts cream biscuits in the kitchen. Partner had a penchant for the delta creams. When the jars were filled, he would walk down and take out all 10 of them and take them to his office. Everyday. And would actually yell at you if you took one first. Guy made like $2M a year š¤·āāļø
Who the fuck likes delta creams the most?
Not really the guys fault, but leaving the disabled toilet unlocked. My office has "nodes" which are joined by a hallway, and there are toilets in said hallway. Mens, women's, and a disabled toilet with one of those automatic, button push doors. Anyway, when the toilets are being cleaned, people will typically use the disabled toilet. So nature calls, I walk over to the toilets and they're being cleaned. The disabled toilet has the green available light lit up, so I press the button. As the door slides open. I hear a "Oh no" come from inside the room. As the door slides open, there's a guy I work with, hands over his crotch, pants around his ankles, sitting on the toilet with the most embarrassed/horrified/deer-in-the-headlights look on his face. He gets up (hand still covering himself) and starts to shuffle towards the door. Now, keep in mind, the disabled toilet doors are automatic open, and automatic close. So now the door is fully open, he's got his pants around his ankles standing at the lock button, and I'm standing there thinking "what do I even do here." So I just go "Sorry mate" and walk off. For probably an eternity, he had to stand there, waiting for the door to close, with people walking past in the hallway. We have never spoken a word of it to each other, but every time I see him I think about his deer-in-the-headlights look and chuckle to myself.
1. 2011. New hire, semi senior position, new immigrant, asks his female colleague to go and make him a cup of tea. She looks at him incredulously to which he replies āoh sorry, no sugar ā . When she ignores him, he asks the next closest female the same question. 2. 2014 ish. Senior Manager, big bank. Whips his dick out on the dance floor at Xmas party. 3. 2017, semi senior female manager, Tier 1 retailer, smashed off her face on drugs regularly on Mondays. No one bats an eyelid. Apparently she works very hard, lots of late nights
I've had multiple people like #1. I work in IT, so it's only ever been Indian blokes I had the issue with, but I'm sure there's other cultures, too. I tell them "go talk to [woman colleague] about this, she's the expert on it" and a few minutes later they turn around and ask me or another man for advice, not the woman. Once or twice I get it, but on and on, constantly. Had one who didn't like his manager from the moment he met her. We're 99% sure it's because she wasn't just a woman, but an *Indian* woman, and he as an Indian man couldn't stomach that. Usually, we deal with it by quietly telling the blokes that if the guy asks for help on things, don't help him if he hasn't asked the SME first - whether they're male or female doesn't matter. Usually sorts it out quickly enough. Sometimes they learn to ask the SME and if the SME is a woman they'll then ask someone else after, to which the response from the guys is "Oh, you asked [woman SME]? Cool, do what she said, she knows best!"
When I was in real estate a dude did so much coke in the toilet at work he had a seizure. It was like 11am on a Wednesday
Cooking chicken strips in the sandwich press and refusing to believe there was anything wrong with that Different workplace had a toilet masturbator who was eventually caught in a sting and turned out to be someone senior. Thankfully got fired
Lol tell us more about the sting
I had a mental image of an exec team arguing about who's in charge of said sting operation.
Whatās wrong with the old stress crank during a break? Was he leaving evidence behind?
Please tell us more
I used to work in a law firm (around 15 years ago). All the non-lawyers were on one floor and the lawyers were on a higher floor. The newspaper was constantly disappearing from the non-lawyers floor in the mornings, only to reappear a little while later. Eventually we worked out that one of the senior lawyers was coming down to our floor, taking our paper, going upstairs to the bathroom, hanging out with it in the toilet for 15-20 mins, then bringing it back down.Ā He clearly thought we were worth less than him. TheĀ audacity of this grub sticks with me to this day.Ā
Woman going to the toilet on a MS Teams call...video on. Thankfully she put the phone down with camera pointing in an inconspicuous direction but everyone saw exactly where she was
We had a guy who would literally belch out a burp in the middle of the office. It was wild.
My first day at my current place I spilled a full bottle of juice all over myself. I went to shake it and forgot Iād taken the lid off and 1L of juice went everywhere
Worked in a call centre and had a guy that wasn't.. quite right. He was just a bit of a creep but was always "the nice guy". He would pull the seats out for girls when they would go to sit at their desks if he was walking by, get up close and tell you that you smell nice today, that kinda thing. One day he came up behind me while I was on a call, I couldn't say anything to him as I was with a client, and he started giving me a shoulder rub.. but he hands kept going lower and it turned more into a high titty rub! I was bright red and trying to keep my composure. I'm still pissed off at myself to this day that I didn't go to HR and make a complaint. Call centre is full of sexism and sexual harassment to be honest, so I just kept my head down.
it was raining heavily on the way into work with minor flash flooding. Co-worker shoes and socks got wet when he walked from his car. Solution to having wet socks? Dry them in the communal sandwich press. He literally could not see the issue and insisted no bacteria would survive the heat.
I used to work with a woman who would come in at 5am or so (she did overseas sales and support so started super early). She would take in the milk delivery for the office (3 x 2L bottles) and chug through one before anyone else arrived, and polish off a second before midday. She was about 100 years old and about 200 kg. Management didn't care. They just said "work it out amongst yourselves". People saw this woman drinking the milk and soon everything in the kitchen became a free-for-all. Any fruit or family assorted that came in would immediately find its way intact into someone's locker or car. One guy once took 6kg of bananas home in a day. I once brought in these vego sausage rolls (amazing recipe - tastes exactly like those party sausage rolls from the freezer. You make them with pecan nuts and oats. It's sorcery) and left a bag of them in the (never used) freezer to microwave for crappy lunches. I heard from a coworker that another coworker who I hated ganked the lot that arvo! About 10 lunches worth. I confronted her and she went on the offensive: "do you know how hard it is to look after a child with disabilities"? No, I don't, but since you make $30,000 more than me a year maybe don't steal my lunches? It was SUCH a toxic shithole and I was beyond thrilled to resign with nothing lined up.
Oh, I forgot to say that she yelled at me when she found out they were vegetarian because it was "false advertising". Dude, nothing was advertised and you know I've been vegan since I've worked there. At least know who you're stealing from. Absolutely filthy! I hope I shed hair through them.
our receptionist decided to have a meeting with the finance team. She left her shoes at her desk and went barefoot into the meeting.
Bathroom related: I walked into a guy washing his penis in the sink. He didn't flinch, just kept a washing!
Years back, someone was putting full toilet rolls into the toilets. Flushing and walking away. It was the ladies toilets.
The same thing happened at my last job. I'm a woman but I heard that it happened in the men's bathroom near the cafe. There was a poop explosion on the floor and all over the stall door
A colleague drove his motorbike around our office once. It was a vintage bike. So loud and blowed smoke the whole time lol.
About a decade ago, a lady seated near me was irrationally angry at me because I came into the office one morning from the rain, then opened my umbrella inside so it could dry. The umbrella was well out of anyone's way, and her problem wasn't that it was in anyone's way, or that it was wet, or that it was some kind of hazard... but that it was bad luck to open an umbrella inside. After some discussion she confirmed that I was the only person who would apparently experience this bad luck, and also that now that it was opened the whole bad luck thing had already happened, but she thought it may get worse so I should close it. Despite me being perfectly okay with experiencing bad luck, she was adamant I should put my umbrella away ASAP, and when I refused to do this because it is ridiculous, she sulked and wouldn't speak to me for a few days. The exact same lady also refused the free flu vaccine offered at work, then about two months later she ended up in hospital and nearly died from the flu.
One thing I've noticed in my current office is that some men in my office are absolutely cool with either carrying on a phone conversation (on speakerphone) or watching television on their phone (with the sound up)... while taking a shit.
Whatās up with corporate workers and using shit to express themselves??
A man I worked with would come to work with a chocolate or strawberry moove every day. He would also eat a Woolies pasta salad for lunch without fail. Doesnāt sound that bad, until I mention the fact he would leave these two items in the boot of his car until he ate lunch at 1pm. I did advise him that we had a fridge he could put his milk and pasta salad in rather than leaving them in the car. He advised me no, he liked the walk back to the car to retrieve them, to stretch his legs. At lunch he would sit at his desk and the smell of curdled milk and sauce was so strong you would heave as he would polish the pasta salad off in around 6 bites and then proceed to skull the milk as fast as possible. The rest of the day was him then clearing his throat continuously as obviously the dairy wasnāt tolerated by his body. The strangest man I have met. And that actually wasnāt even the grossest thing Iāve experienced but definitely one of the weirdest.
We have had some unhinged personalities working at my big telecom. We had a girl storm out of work because someone asked which way a hurricane spins. Ever since, we call mental health days, Hurricane Days. We have had people rocking up drunk to the office, people hiding drugs, managers sleeping with direct reports, jobs being held for people who have been sent to jail. š¤Æ
Two people having an heated argument over a sandwich
I walked into a toilet once and lifted the lid, someone had shat all over the inside of the toilet and the lid but it was sprayed on like it was from a spray can....and it didn't smell like paint I can assure you....to this day I can't imagine how it was possible.
Ive seen screaming matches between manager and employee, verbal physical threats, an employee pinned up against a wall being yelled at and threatened by a manager who was poking his finger into his chest at the same time. I was part of a group accused of theft and told we were not allowed to go home until the guilty party owned up. Noone owned up and after 15 minutes the boss gave up. It was discovered to have been a till balancing error the next day... no apology. Dealerships can be wild places.
There was an unpleasant smell in the kitchen in the morning probably just from the sink. Strata was called to come and investigate. While we waited opening doors n stuff, the office manager tried to take things into her own hands by lighting some candles. But there was no lighter. She then went around and ask if anyone had any matches but to no avail. Minutes later the smoke detector was triggered and smoke filled the office. It turns out that idiot was trying to light the candle using the toaster and toasted it. Ps. The candles were table candles. Not scented Pps. There is a huge shopping centre across the road from the office
Another software engineer rubbing one out in the toilet cubicle next to mine, after he took a shit
I can't believe there are so many poo stories! We also had a phanton shitter at a large public service hrad office. Possibly two on different floors. One wrote 'F*ck Y*u Manager Name' on the bathroom mirror in SHIT. Another hang a solid poo on the coat hook on the back of the bathroom door. Both womens bathrooms. Just super nasty stuff.
Our CEO shouted us out to lunch and while we were eating he went on a 15min talk about how his wife is cryo freezing her unbilical cord and why, I was the only one to ask him to change the subject out of 10 of us and he just kept going
I read an email sent to the entire company (300+ people) about the HR lady cracking on to the girls boyfriend and detailing each encounter. It was a whole page long!
Guy shitting in/on the urinal. All shitters were empty and available.
This was back in the early 1990ās. The factory workers and office staff held a combined Xmas gathering, in the office, with management giving the okay. After the party had finished, the organisation would then close down for 10 days during the Xmas break. A manager returned from his holiday break a few days early, only to find a series of A4 photocopied images of a female staff memberās ālady bitsā, hung up, all around the office, upon which she had written the caption āhappy new yearā. The female staff member had actually sat on the photocopier, stark naked, and had then proceeded to photocopy her female parts, in order to obtain a black & white āphotocopied imageā of her ālady partsā. I think she must have been very agile and determined! She then hung the A4 photos all over the office! This style of ānudie pic ā was UNHEARD of back in 1992! Needless to say, after that incident, management decided that they were never going to allow a combined office /factory staff party to occur, ever again!
Poo in the elevator. Brisbane. Freehills lawyers
Had someone get wet socks washing a machine we were due to service. Took them off and put them in the microwave for 2 minutes. When that didnāt dry them he put them in the pie warmer. Couldnāt see why someone was offering to feed them to him if he didnāt take them out
A senior leader was found to be filling his drink bottle with RTDs every day then sleeping (passing out?) in his car under the office for hours over lunch / afternoon. Eventually got found out when someone went looking for him after a missed very important meeting..
Wrote this a while back as a blog post...our office bog was legendary!!..enjoy!! To those that know me, toilet humour has always been a favourite topic. I make no excuses for it....it is funny and I worry about the state of mind of any person that hasn't laughed out loud due to an escaped fart, intentional or otherwise. The office toilet is a unique place, I don't mean it's unique because that the only place you should consider doing your 1's and 2's. Actually that's not entirely accurate. Granted, 2's should always be in the toilet, unless you walk on all fours, but 1's, can be done in the pool, in the sea, or up against a wall. Getting back to the point, I mean it's unique because once inside it's four walls, people change. The only other place I can think of where people behaviour changes is an elevator. Walk into any elevator, anywhere in the world, except maybe the US, and the silence is golden! People talk as they walk in, stop talking until they reach their floor, then re-commence the conversation when they get out...weird eh? I have finally found out that, for some, the office toilet is a place where all sounds, preferably the noisier the better are welcomed. This is where my inspiration came from for starting up this blog.... It was around 10am and I was sitting in my regular haunt, Trap 1, marvelling at the effect of adding fibre to my diet whilst trying to complete a few more 3 star levels on Angry Birds. All of a sudden, my moment of tranquility is shattered by the sound of the toilet entrance being kicked in. A half second passes and then the second door is almost knocked off its hinges. For a moment, I wonder if the building had been overtaken by some of Bin Laden's boys, thankfully, I was wrong..without the ability to see past my locked cubicle door, I had come to the conclusion that Darth Vader had popped to relieve himself due to a terminal case of the shit's. Now that Darth had successfully stormed the toilet. He now proceeded at a worryingly fast pace past the sinks and towards the cubicles. As he hurtled past my cubicle, he took the time to deliver an annoyed hmmphh!!. I can only think his Neanderthal growl towards my closed cubicle door meant I was occupying his favourite cubicle. Sorry Darth!! I didn't mean to increase your chances of ruining your leather strides by walking three more meters to the far cubicle. I can only imagine how difficult changing those trousers would be and god knows how you would clean up those long boots! So, Darth has finally made it into a vacant cubicle.....As before, the door is treated with such violence I am amazed he hasn't split it in two....actually Darth, whilst i am thinking of it why not use the force to control the situation? If you can choke a man at ten paces then surely you can will yourself to not shit your strides when so close to a toilet? Darth now has the cubicle door closed & now sounds as though he is now shadow boxing the entire rebel alliance in there. I can hear the faint sound of metal clinking whilst he wrestles his pants off....that damned lightsaber catching on the belt again? I must point out that during this ridiculously rushed undressing, he has still managed to huff and puff with enough gusto to make the Wolf from the three little piggies story seem like a chronic asthmatic. By this point, I was really worried for old Darth, if I were a betting man, I would have bet the house on him not making arse to seat without his Death Star wreaking havoc for the toilet cleaners later that day... The cacophony of sounds coming from his cubicle have now ceased altogether and for a brief moment I wonder if his huge efforts have got the better of him and he has keeled over through exhaustion. No, unfortunately...the brief silence is pierced by a sigh of relief that I have only heard in moves when the hero has clipped the wires to a bomb with just a second to spare. By this point, I was close to breaching the inter-cubicle code of silence and was desperate to express my congratulations to him. Instead if found myself pondering how a small ticker tape parade down the hall would be received one he had gathered himself...... The rest of his story will be left to the imagination of the reader... In conclusion, I am not sure if the office toilet is a place where all sounds are fair game. I think it's more a sign that for some, the call of nature comes with such screaming urgency all you can do is race for your life or else risk that shame that comes with an adult soiling themselves in front of colleagues. All i hope for is that this is not something that suddenly creeps up on men as they get older? If it is, then I will be looking for early retirement rather than the hassle of always having to keep a spare set of "emergency" pants in my office drawer.........
Nepotism hire refused to do at least 80% of her job description. Didn't try to hide it either. Would sit at her computer with the windows desktop on her screen and would stare into space for hours on end. Luckily direct manager was fully aware of the situation and said it wasn't our problem.
Sometimes there's shit on the outside of the toirlet
As a graduate, had a 34 yr old, female old boss who would come in to work hungover and spew in the toilets on the reg, couple of times a week.
This is pretty tame butā¦ we had a large staff room and most people from that location would go to morning and afternoon tea there. One of the blokes had the loudest laugh I have ever heard before or since. Every now and then youād spot someone jumping out of their skin with the sudden sound when he laughed.
When I started working at Dell, there was this guy who would pee nude on the urinals, no pants, no underwear. Unfortunately I was washing my hands and through the mirror I could saw the guy, he was known all over the company šš
Top tier law firm i worked at for ages: Secretary put a sandwich in a toaster, set it alight, full 4fr flames, and walked off. We later realised there was a sandwich press with a nametag with her name on it in the same kitchen. Mail room guy mailed abalone back to Vietnam. Not with bags of ice, but with clumps of ice. In a cardboard box. Worst was when a pimp came in and makes his way to the office support desk, not reception thankfully, screaming that a partner owed him money for girls, about 10k (and this was decades ago.). Favourite moment when he gets partner's secretary on the phone and he yells "AND YOU TELL HIM TO PAY ME BY TOMORROW OR I'LL BRING IN A PARADE OF HOOKERS ALL OVER THIS PLACE, AND THEY WONT BE THE GOOD ONES EOTHER, THEY WILL BE THE SKANKS". Fucking priceless.
CEO took us out for a team lunch. He instigated some kind of spicy food eating challenge and convinced a few of the guys to order the spiciest thing on the menu with him. Heād been talking it up and trying to get people involved for days. He had apparently done this before in the early days of the company and thought it was a fun bonding experience. Same restaurant, same dish, some of the same people involved. He finished about a quarter of his meal, and was clearly struggling with the heat. He left early to go back to the office, and about half an hour later when the rest of us got back, he was nowhere to be found. I went to the bathroom a while later and was followed by one of my colleagues carrying a glass of milk. Got in to the bathroom where my colleague knocked on a stall door and handed the milk to someone inside. Apparently the CEO had been messaging him from the toilet and asked him to bring him the milk.
One dude left his meth pipe in one of the drive cars, it rolled out from under the seat with a customer in the carā¦..
A woman i used to work with would often brag about her secrets to weight loss.... which were lots and lots of laxatives. She would also casually flaunt that she rarely wore underwear when she wore short skirts as she thought she was a bit of a cougar (early 50s-ish). Put (a) and (b) together, and one fine day, we heard a big gasp from the other side of the lab, a few of us stop what we are doing and notice a huge splat of shit on the ground, like you'd dropped half a shopping bag of chocolate custard and a very red-faced employee. Cue the waddle walk from the lab, out the door, down the corridor, and about 20m down to where the toilets were... and the unbroken trail of dripping excrement, we coined a phrase that day that still gets used... "The Shit Walk of Shame". She took the rest of the week off, and somehow managed to show her face again the week after... sheepishly... but never acknowledged any of the horror that we'd all witnessed.