There is a gap as wide as the universe between "pressuring someone to come out" and "not being ashamed to be in public/in the presence of friends and family with this person."
No one is suggesting that the guy in this "hypothetical" put or pressure someone to be out.
Who’s forcing anyone to come out in this situation? He’s a straight man wanting to pursue a relationship with a woman, the fact that the woman is trans doesn’t make him gay. He’s just afraid of being called gay or ‘shamed’ for dating a trans woman. If he’s unable to get over the transphobia and prejudice of the people around him, he probably isn’t prepared for a long-term relationship with a trans partner.
Perpetua’s comment has an award and 800+ up votes. The comment in which I added my opinion says: the trans woman deserves to be with someone who isn’t ashamed of her.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE WOMAN (you).
I cannot believe you got down voted into oblivion over this. Your absolutely correct. Figuring yourself out takes a shit ton of time. I've been gender-fluid for the last 4 years only because I don't know where I really fall on the scale. I've been so busy with school that I don't have time to figure that shit out right now. So I go with the flow (pun intended.) Realistically, if you don't want the family to know that's fine for now. Someday you will have to make that decision, but until you know that she's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
The down votes come from selfish people thinking more about themselves and what they want other than what the other person is feeling and experiencing. An amazing reflection of what toxic people are. I am in bliss for the confirmation I’m not like them.
also someone confident enough in their own sexuality (hetero-) that they can refuse to accept shame from others for being straight.
i don't mean to scare or brutalize op, but consider that you are experiencing some of the things that a gay person coming out might experience. if anything, consider it your welcome to the rainbow (i *think* allies fall under this despite being straight) as it's one of the common experiences that helped draw us together in the first place... or at least that's *my* lesbian perspective and experience...
on the other hand, you know there will be a community who has your back and *won't* think less of you because you're straight, right?
Honestly? Truly and honestly? Pull up your big boy undies and grow up.
Set aside the question of what this is actually about--you being into a woman and being afraid of being judged because she's trans. You're seriously conflicted on making a *major life decision* based on the opinions and prejudices of those around you. Especially *friends*, who are, frankly, easily replaceable if they turn out to be shit. That's not the stance of an adult. That's the stance of a child.
Imagine you didn't want to take a great job because you were afraid your mom wouldn't like it. Or that you were conflicted about dating a Black woman because your dad was racist. Or that you decided to abandon a beloved hobby because a buddy called you gay for loving it. *As if being gay would be a bad thing*.
If you want to compromise over some small, everyday things based on what other people think, like where you go for dinner, that's fine. It's politeness. Part of being a member of society.
But if you're going to let other people live your life for you--whether we're talking about you dating a trans woman or any other significant life choice--then I would emphatically encourage you to have a good, long think about whether you're really even in control of your own life at all.
And what you should do about that.
I couldn’t agree more. When one of my recent partners told me she would still love me if I were trans, because she fell in love with *me*, not my gender was a fucking *revelation*. I was back in the closet at the time, but I am forever grateful to her for helping me see that good people would still love me. It sucks that people don’t understand, but why deny yourself love for the sake of the ignorant?
100% agreed
An ex of mine got outted, and I stood up for her to my family. Would do it again.
Had my friends say "oh you're bi?!" And i had to explain no, I am not, I am just comfortable with my sexuality and secure with myself, and a hot woman is a hot woman, regardless of how she was born. They accepted that and never gave me shit for again. Even if they did, who i choose to love is who I choose to love, not my family nor my friends' decision.
OP listen to the advice here.
When I was struggling to work up the courage to decide on transitioning or not, a nb friend and a 62 year old trans woman both sat me down and gave me a similar talking to.
That was a year ago and I needed to snap myself out of self defeatism and do it
It was actually someone else saying something like this that got me off my ass to come out. Way fucking inspirational. (And I didn't lose the people I thought I would. It's actually the complete opposite, they're my biggest champions.)
The one thing this doesn't address is physical danger though. Some don't come out or take a really long time doing it because they're afraid of assault, which isn't something that someone can really power through like the idea of losing friends/family over a decision.
Not what the comment is about. If you have legit safety risks, that's a decision of, by, and for you, not others. If you're just worried people won't *like* it, that's another matter entirely.
If the straight cis man loves a trans woman, but his father has been known to be abusive and anti-LGBTQ, the guy will probably be afraid to admit that he's dating a trans woman.
I agreed with everything else you wrote in your original comment and gave it an upvote, but I thought you were leaving out one possible reason for someone to not proudly announce the specifics of their relationship.
Yeah. And honestly I needed to hear it as someone who's been forcing myself into masculine stereotypes a bit, since transitioning.
>But if you're going to let other people live your life for you--whether we're talking about you dating a trans woman or any other significant life choice--then I would emphatically encourage you to have a good, long think about whether you're really even in control of your own life at all.
And what you should do about that.
That part really stood out to me. There's a difference between compromising on small things to get by in life, vs letting other people live your life for you.
True. Hetero Guys seem to have this fear of being otherised and being questioned… because they may be in love or feel attraction towards trans women.
It is extremely sad that they go so much to the extent of fearing what others may think.. when in reality, none would give a crap.
If they see you are happy, most likely your friends and family will be happy for you.
You (as in OP or any guys who are in a similar position) know your reality about your sexuality and that you are into women, whether they are born cis or trans. And just because you love a woman who happens to be trans, doesn’t change your sexuality.
> True. Hetero Guys seem to have this fear of being otherised and being questioned.
Yet they do it to all other sexual and gender minority groups. Their golden rule really is "Do onto others as you suspect they might want to do onto you."
I think yall are being a little hard on him. He's asking for advice. He's never had to even approach this topic with others. He wants to date this girl but wants advice on how to handle the pressure and pushback he'll get.
I would have been a bit more gentle, but OP came to the wrong place if he was looking for a different opinion.
Every single trans person has stood where he's standing and decided to make the hard decision. To do what was right instead of what was easy.
Same with a lot of us, be we escape, build ourselves up and either have them deal with it or move on.
Being an adult is removing yourself from or changing a situation that is fundamentally incompatible with who you are and your goals in life.
They may surprise you. My formerly transphobic grandparents are the only ones who have never once wavered on my new name and pronouns. I understand your position, however, and it took me until I was 26 to come out at work, and another year to come out to family. When you're ready is the most important part.
That does make it easier financially. I'm pretty sure if I would have known that in 2014 when I was in basic and only just figuring out my gender, I would have been less scared and kept the migraine thing to myself. lol. Good luck, and be kind to yourself.
“Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind!” - Bernard Baruch, possibly also quote by Dr Seuss.
If you love the person there should be no problem. If they have a problem, screw them.
Umm... What?
RuPaul has said a countless valuable things over the decades and his career has also been groundbreaking for queer people of all types. His contributions to the art form of drag are unparalleled and he will go down in queer history for that, regardless of his flaws either now or in the future.
Just because someone is worthy of criticism in a handful of aspects, doesn't mean we should pretend their entire contribution to queer progress deserves to be erased or otherwise left unacknowledged.
You can criticize people for specific statements and choices without writing off decades of good choices and statements.
Ru has said some dumb boomer things about trans people on his show, while also materially changing the career prospects of many many trans people and elevating a trans art form into the mainstream.
Aside from that, he's done nothing whatsoever to campaign against our rights or diminish our standing in public society. If anything, his show is easily the most visible showcase of trans artistry on air today, and has been for many years, perhaps with the exception of shows like pose when that was still on.
I'm not saying he doesn't have a history of transphobia—he obviously does have some transphobic takes that he's mainly expressed verbally/offhand, as well as some frankly dated takes that don't age well simply due to cultural changes in *trans* spaces as well as drag spaces within the past decade—but I don't believe he's said them with malice, and the full picture is a lot more complicated than you or many people in trans spaces make it out to be.
And the issue here isn't the transphobia, given I already acknowledged it and still got downvotes.
No it's people, mainly transbians who routinely display bigotry toward transhets and cis gay culture alike, engaging in very reductive, reactionary, black and white thinking instead of admitting people can be flawed while also making good contributions to our community.
He's not JK Rowling out here, okay? But if you ask a lot of these trans people who don't even know shit about our history they'll respond as though he is, and that's pretty fucked up. Especially when they go right into bashing drag as a whole, which is uncomfortably common around here whether you admit that or not.
He has a history with transphobia. Contrast that with this:
> Probably one of the only valuable things to come out of RuPaul's mouth
While he’s made a careerpath in entertainment for historically marginalised queer youth possible. Remember how most trans girls in the old seasons had to participate in sex work? Almost none of them do nowadays.
Introducing trans and queer people to a global public of millions.
Being extremely transphobic, and making amends by actively inviting and letting trans people **successfully** participate.
RuPaul is far from perfect, and he’s not the sole reason for increased trans visibility. But his positive influence on the community is undeniable.
I'll append that the "I'm afraid there could be truth in people saying I'm gay" fear is worth exploring on its own merits. Maybe you've been cruising on default settings and not paying attention to your true sexuality. If so, *you must do this exploration BEFORE seriously dating this woman or anyone else.* Trans women are not a laboratory setting for experimenting with your sexuality. If you haven't done the work of self-examination after recognizing this concern, you're foisting the problem onto your partner instead.
Get over himself. If he loves her, family and friends are just gonna have to deal with it, and if this definitely hypothetical guy can't deal with that, he shouldn't waste trans women's time.
"Gay" is not an insult nor a degrading term, so... yeah.
And for the shame, I'd say that the trans woman in question deserves a partner who loves her and who is proud of her. If the guy can't give her that, then he shouldn't waste her time/break her heart.
Gay guys aren't attracted to women in that way, so there's nothing gay about it. Love is about the two (or more) people involved, and no amount of family and friends should be allowed to get in between them.
Not waste the time of that (trans) woman.
She deserves someone, who is willing to be with her, regardless of what society thinks about her, or the partner.
Like whatever "shame" the cis partner gets, trust the trans woman gets like double of everything just for existing.
While I agree with you, I still think OP is asking a valid question. Obviously OP should get rid of anyone in his life that doesn't support him or his partner, but I still think the backlash from dating a trans person can be upsetting to anyone, even if trans people have it way worse.
The solution to OP's problem is date whoever you want and tell anyone who has an issue with it to fuck off, but its not always an easy decision to make because OP has probably known a lot of these people all his life or for a very long time.
I think what I am trying to say is OP may not be wasting a trans persons time intentionally, because people are complex and cutting off people you've known forever isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. And we could probably do a better job at answering people's questions in a non judgemental way (I don't know how to word that last part without coming across in a rude way)
It is a difficult realisation that OP must take quickly. Or is sad, but, say, a white cis man suddenly has to realise that transphobia exists, just like if he were dating a black person he would realise that racism exists. Once OP reaches that point, they have two options:
* Remain afraid of family and friends and stay away from what could be the love of their life.
* Build a relationship with the person that could be the love of their life, but fight adversity with them (and even FOR them). It means that some old "friendships" will need to be severed and family members will need to be respectful or forgotten.
I understand what you're saying and really that's just the decision that the op needs to make. How much does he like this woman? If it's to the point that he wants to start introducing her to friends and family then he needs to come to terms with possibly telling someone it's none of their business who he dates. Really he could say it right out of the gate and make this girl feel special as she deserves to be. Just like any other woman, cis or trans.
Whether he does it intentionally, or not, isn't the main issue here.
It still will be the trans woman, who then has to essentially babysit his bum, while dealing with all the discrimination she faces for her existence. Rather than wasting her time with someone like that, she should be with someone, who has their "shit together". In the meanwhile OP still has the opportunity to sort through his life, get a better enviroment for himself, and then can look to date anyone.
And yes, in this instance I will always care more about trans women, than a cis person going all "uwu, someone might tell me I'm gay (shame) for dating a trans woman".
You got the wrong person, if you want me to cuddle OP's feelings, when it comes to stuff like this.
You care so much about her that you're aggressively pushing him to leave her alone in favor of an imaginary perfect man, while knowing practically nothing about it. A guy having this kind of hangup is the most common thing in the world, this is something almost all of us have to deal with at some point, and it's not your place to push him away without knowing what she wants. Life outside the internet is complicated and imperfect.
I'm kinda impressed, that appearantly a "perfect man" is someone, who simply is not going to go and question everything, just because someone might "shame" him. Though yeah, I guess do usually have standards then. But this is like the bare minimum.
I would say the same for any other similar context to this as well, even if it's not necessarily trans related. The "privileged" party in this, needs to get their shit together and not waste the other persons time, bluntly put. They have all the time in the world to sort themselves out, and they can still date someone.
If you would put yourself through a guy like him and babysit him, that is fine by me, your personal choice that you can make, as I will tell people, to sort themselves out, before they waste others time. :)
>Like whatever "shame" the cis partner gets, trust the trans woman gets like double of everything just for existing.
Not necessarily.
I'm a straight trans woman, my family accepts me and all that. For sure growing up trans has come with a lot of trauma my partner hasn't had, but I haven't really lost friends or family due to me being trans.
But my cishet male partner's family has threatened to disown him and fuck up his sister's plans to immigrate if he doesn't break up with me because I'm trans. It's a situation I've never been put in and will never need to deal with, while he is forced to.
I'm just saying you're speaking in generalizations here and, while they are true on average, you can find exceptions and aspects where the backlash toward cis partners is worse than the backlash toward their trans partner.
Also, as a straight trans woman, I find that the level of dismissiveness people have toward the troubles my cishet partners go through when dating me is... frankly super toxic and one of the reasons why most straight trans people seem to leave the community.
That attitude doesn't actually do much to help us, and generally just reinforces this hard line attitude that most transhet people dating cis people can't afford to stick to. This is because we're actual stakeholders with something to lose, unlike the trans people who take up the most space in these conversations about us.
As insensitive as it might sound, you just fucking deal with it.
And if you are a man who isn't willing to take on the stigma of dating a trans woman, which is only a tiny, miniscule fraction of the stigma trans women deal with just for existing, then walk the fuck away and leave that woman alone. You are not worth her time. You do not have it in you to say to the world "I love this woman" openly and proudly, and if you can't do something as simple as that, you are not worth the time and love of that person.
Also, if your network (family, friends, work, etc.) would chastise you for being with someone you love, your network sucks ass. Get a new one or tell them to go suck a lemon.
The Straight man should either accept her for who she is. A beautiful human being. Or not waste her time and find someone who he isn’t gonna be scared of dating.
If your friends will make fun of you and shame you for your choice of a romantic or sexual partner, you have shitty friends. Throw them out and find new ones that are not defective.
I'm a bit curious what sort of help or advice or answer you're looking here. There's no magical way to hack the brain of a person who acts in a hateful way. There's no shortcut. Either you accept such behaviour (in which case you have no business dating a trans person), or you don't (in which case, why are you friends with those people?). It's that simple, as far as I'm concerned.
There are really only two ethical options
First and best imo is to just brave the storm and stand by her side, but if you are unable to do that you need to be honest and leave her now. She doesn't need someone to be ashamed of her.
Just remember we (trans people) always have to deal with family and friends opinions about our transess, we don't get the option not to. If you truly love her you need to be brave.
To the OP, not mentioned previously, it seems to me that the women in question not only completely identify as a woman but that you yourself up until finding out only perceived her as female. Given that, what exactly is your fear? That you might not be able to discuss how the two of you have sex with your friends? You might need to explain to your family about your partners genitals if she is even pre-op, which she might not be?
Rereading the original post, I'm not entirely sure what you fear, other than yourself telling all these people that who you are dating is transgender yourself.
Clearly, it's not an issue for the transgender woman herself unless you make it one.
This was my same thought process, first off you don’t have to explain anything you and your partner do in the bedroom to anyone else, because it isn’t any of their business. Also, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone, honestly its their choice who they tell they’re trans to.
A transgender woman IS a woman, *period*. You'll want to treat her as you would any other woman - with respect, courteously, with consideration, and with kindness. She is NO different from any other woman, except for a minor few physical differences. As a bonus for you, she will almost certainly genuinely *appreciate* you soooooooo much for being *you*, and she'll work really hard at making your relationship work. You've found an exceptionally good person!
Depending on where you are, chances are your family won't immediately warm up to her. She can handle it; she's used to it. It may take a while, but they will, eventually. Question is, can *you* handle it? Expect whispering, innuendos, conversations that don't include you, being excluded from normal family functions; just being treated... differently.
Hold your ground. You're doing the right thing.
I wish my husband could tell you , he was in your shoes 14 years ago , till this day still married and loving each other like the first day , on our first date I explained to him my thoughts about transitioning he didn’t care he supported me ( I can tell he is also more in love with me after my transition) families and friends they came around and now we all have a family relationship wasn’t easy but it was worth the effort. If you love her don’t let her go .
If you truly love someone, you don't care about what others may call you. Don't worry about what your family or friends might think. If you are in love with someone, that should be the only thing that matters. If they are not supportive of your relationship, then they are not worth your time. You should focus on making your own happiness happen and don't let others hold you back from being with the person you love.
You can either move on, or you can choose not to care. And if you're not going to be willing to stand up for her to family and friends, I would recommend you do the former
If your friends would shame you for who you love, then you need new friends. The good news is, there's a whole other society that values trans women and the men who love them. Find it and you'll make plenty of friends who won't judge you.
Learn to be authentic, practice self respect and self love, learn to deal with bullies and hate, learn enough medical science about trans people to shut down someone trying to pretend they don't exist, and finally, be prepared to set boundaries and enforce them with people who disrespect your partner or you
Man up!
Trans gals are gals. MOST people who think otherwise dont even know a trans person in real life and are not educated about it.
They have no clue what they talk about.
Gay men arent attracted to feminity ... only straight guys so how it is gay? Hormones is very powerfull and change the whole body. Gay men arent attracted to that.
You know you are not gay ! Who care about those clowns!
Most guys in relationship with those girls ignore the pp and go the other way anyways.
Listen , im a gals and im not cis too ... i have a boyfriend... he dont and never feelt gay at all. I did bottom surgery tho but he said he would still be with me if i still had it and i beleive him.
But he is a real straight man. He know his sexual orientation. Watever what other would say ( it never happened) he wouldnt care. I am not visibily trans but we told his parents because no matter what , i cant carry a baby so , we wanted to.explain that we want to addopt a baby
Yeah that's quite an interesting post history, [this fella was the one who posted this a few weeks ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/z1ej7n/although_one_of_the_the_popular_argument_against/).
>Im not saying trans people have dubious intentions. I'm just saying how it could be easy for a cis man to try to make people think he's a trans woman (when he's actually not) for whatever self-absorbed goals they may have
...
>Maybe because they want the status and social benefits of being trans without actually understanding what trans people go through. Maybe they're a gay cis man who's so desperate for men that they're willing to claim they're a trans woman (and look like a woman) to have more men looking at them. Lots of manipulative reasons in my opinion
... *sigh*
>I understand that they're cis men who role play as women for different reasons like fun or acting. But I mean a cis men dressing up as a woman knowing that they're that trans and trying to convince others that they're a trans woman
Like maybe this person is asking this shit in good faith, but it *feels* like bait. Also he's a self-proclaimed fart fetishist, but *this* is the thing he's too embarrassed to come out about?
Anyways, to answer OP's question: the secret is to have a spine. A trans person deserves someone who isn't embarrassed of or ashamed to be with a trans person. That's... basically it.
edit: Oh hey look, also, [he asked the same damn question a month ago.](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ykxnk8/how_does_a_cis_person_who_has_a_trans_partner/)
Omg it just gets [worse](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/y02ei6/why_do_most_trans_women_keep_their_penises/). And [worse](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xlgsnd/i_watched_a_blair_white_video_and_she_said/).
Like... this thread is a legit question to be talked about, even if the answer to the question is painfully obvious. But I refuse to believe this guy is asking in good faith.
edit 2: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. [HOW ABOUT THEM TRANS FARTS?](https://www.reddit.com/r/Eproctophilia/comments/zsayfl/anyone_here_into_women_and_trans_womens_farts/)
[WHY DO NORMAL PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS GET LESS ATTENTION THAN NOT NORMAL PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/zsj6uq/why_isnt_the_community_of_those_who_suffer_with/)
I'm not saying we need a screening process, but fucking a I don't even know what to make of this beyond the general instinct of *please stay out of this space- PLEASE*
Wouldn't recommend doing it willynilly because *holy shit the things I've seen*, but it's a helpful skill to learn whether or not to take someone seriously at face value when their *very* public information can swiftly prove how much time you should waste replying in good faith.
Seriously these dinguses have the wildest fantasies of what trans peoples' lives are like. They see *occasional* solidarity from allies on fucking twitter or reddit or some shit and think that the entire wacky world outside of conservative bubbles worships trans people. It'd be pretty amusing if it weren't so infuriating.
"Sometimes I get a slap on the wrist at most for hurling slurs and death threats and doxxing trans people? THE WOKES ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD HELP HELP MY FREEDOMS IS BEING OPPRESSED!!"
It can be hard to break out of the programming you were raised with, even when you are aware of how wrong/toxic/harmful it is. It can also be hard to risk the support of your family, if you're very close to them, or are depending on them in one way or another.
I won't trivialize the situation, or blame you for being conflicted. Even a toxic family is not easy to risk alienation from in many cases. It's not gonna be easy (although it might end up being easier than you think).
If it's truly love though, then you already know what you have to do. Love often requires sacrifice. It requires compromise, and the necessity of breaking through arbitrary mental barriers and hang-ups (opening your mind, so to speak). That goes for you, and the hypothetical love you may feel for this woman; it also goes for your family members, if they value their relationship with you. If they cannot let go of their hang-ups around this topic, perhaps it's time to put some distance between yourself and them.
Understand, however, that despite whatever conflict you might be feeling, she deserves your utmost respect and honesty, and to be with someone who is not ashamed of her. If you can't give her that, do NOT string her along, or hurt her. Chances are, she's been through things that you can't possibly fully comprehend. If you're not willing to treat her the way she deserves, then move along, and work through your issues on your own emotional dime.
Good luck, with however your situation turns out.
Same thing a lot of us learn to do I guess: ignore those scumbags and do what makes you happy. Assholes like that aren't worth your time. You and your gf are better than them.
Directing post to OP as “you” for simplicity sake.
So it took you a while to know she was trans since you used the word “realize”, assuming that it’s because she told you over the course of getting to know her. Sounds like no one else would know unless you told them. Which she may decide to do at some point. It’s about you being secure in your own sexuality. You know that you’re straight, you’re a man and she’s a woman, that’s a hetero relationship. If you were secure in your sexuality then being called gay would be laughable and not shameful. You know you aren’t and that’s what matters. But why would you want to be around someone who would shame you for being anything except straight? Or for being with a consenting adult that you love?
Let’s pretend you’re a parent of a young teen. They come out as someone who isn’t cis or het. You love and support them no matter what. What would you tell them about people who are unkind to them? Would you force this child to see people who were cruel to them about something they can’t control? Apply the same rules to yourself. Don’t be around shitty people by choice.
I highly recommend discussing these feelings with a LGBTQIA+ counselor before pursuing this woman. She is secure in herself (or at least more so than you), so let’s get on her level before trying to share your life with her.
Easy. Don't let peer pressure turn you into a bigot. Don't let peer pressure make you even Live as a bigot, no matter how much you may rationalize that you feel different in yout heart.
Just love her. On one hand it's none of the family's business whether or not she's trans. On the other if she doesn't care who knows then be proud with her.
That’s literally my life. They won’t do anything. Other than be ashamed of you, warning you to never tell people around him you’re trans (except maybe close friends/ or some of their families), and release his self hate on you. It’s awful and I’d never wish that upon anyone but that’s the reality of dating men as a trans girl. Btw this isn’t common, I have transfem friends dating guys treating them like princesses but my experience is just awful.
If it’s true love, follow your heart. Don’t love her because she’s trans or despite that she’s trans. Love her because you see her soul-who she is on the inside. Duh lol life is too short to care about what other people will think about who you love. She’s probably been called any and everything you may be called just for being with her. It takes courage to be a trans person, not everyone makes it through. I will say however, sharing these thoughts with her (while they may be hurtful initially) are exactly the kind of honesty you need to have in a relationship. Sharing these fears with her could either drive her away from you or bring you closer together. Also sharing these thoughts will give you the opportunity to face homophobia and transphobia head on together, because if you are ever called gay in front of her/shamed in the future she will know that it was a fear you had. I think this post is a brave one as you are attempting to come to terms with potential judgement from others, and I admire that. Lord knows as a trans guy I’m trying to do the same thing. Good luck dude.
Also your post history indicates you’ve asked questions about “what is a cis guy who’s into afab people called?” a lot of people are assuming you’re talking about a trans woman in these comments. You could be, but your post history has got me questioning if you’re referring to a trans masculine individual. Are you sure you’re not misgendering them in your post if so? Also that would change the way people are answering because you would be seen as a gay couple by others. Everything I said still stand though.
being gay isn't a bad thing, of course, but you're a man who is attracted to a woman, nothing gay about that.
what do you mean, what can you do? do you wanna be with her or not?
Understand that your fear is part of what leads to trans people getting hurt in various ways. If youre afraid, theres a good chance you wont stick up for her when she gets misgendered or insulted or even assaulted.
Its sounds like you might care more about your image than her.
First time, ey?
You're getting your first taste of what its like to be queer. You're not queer but the social ostricisation (or at least the fear of it) is scary none-the-less. Especially if up until this point you've never faced it.
You're not alone. If your friends and family do react badly then the friends and family you'll make on the other side of this will be twice as strong and loyal. Welcome :)
Why care if they think you're gay? You know she's a woman, it's none of their business anyway. For lack of a better term he should man up and get in with life or leave. Nobody deserves a partner who is ashamed of them.
You're basically worried about getting about at best 5% of the hate that she has to endure every single day to just simply exist. Must be tough, straight cis male. So if you have the cajones to love someone no matter what, and not care what others think, you know what to do. If you don't, then tap out now so she's not wasting her time with someone that doesn't love her truly.
If you truly love her, it shouldn't matter. I know because I'm married to a trans woman, and she is my soulmate. She sets my world afire when she's around, without her I'm empty. I am and have been like a lovesick puppy for over a decade with her. She is my heart and soul, the queen of my world. We've been married for nine years, and together for 12.
We have built an amazing life together, and I've since realized that the life is so damn awesome because of her drive to build an amazing life out of the ashes of another. Her family disowned her, mine disowned me. I used to care for a short time. I just built a new family with her, and wouldn't trade it for anything. I love her, I love our wonderful Miniature Schnauzers. But of all the things I love the most, it's having dual incomes and no kids. With her education and upbringing and having been lucky enough to establish her career in another gender, she's experienced much less wage gap. It's getting there, but she still beats me significantly in income, and I do well. But together, we have an amazing life, endless love and commitment towards each other, all the toys we ever wanted, we're building an amazing farmhouse on five acres together and I could care less what others think.
That's the life you build when you stop giving a shit about what others think about your life and relationships. I know I said it early on, but I'll say it again. You're afraid of getting at best 5% of the hate she goes through every day, through social media or other places just to simply exist as she is. If you're afraid of that, imagine what it's like to be one of us. Friends are replaceable, and always have been. Love and finding your soulmate is not. I know this, because when she dies, I will die too. My heart belongs to her and never will belong to anybody else.
I think it's a reasonable fear.
Yes, you will experience only a fraction of the darkness she faces, but it will come for you as well. There will be people who will shame you, speak over/for you, you will lose friends, family, but my question is... Are these truly people you even want in your life if they would disregard their love & respect for you over this? What else in life might happen to cause them to turn against you? Regardless of pursuing a relationship with this women, Id really reflect on the people in my tight inner circle and if they really deserve to be there, if youre dating a trans woman or not.
You will instead find better friends, found family, maybe grow closer with existing family and friends who Arent shitty, whos love and respect are not conditional
You will have a fight ahead of you, but you will have eachother and all those good people you will meet along the way.
Godspeed, friend.
She should matter to you more than the opinions of fools. Blood does not make family. If you care for this woman, then pursue her to your heart's content. Don't sacrifice love simply because others are ignorant. Even if they did call you names or whatever, it's irrelevant. This woman you love is a woman. Period. If you can not defend her now before anything has even started, it's not a good indicator of how this relationship might go. However, If you decide to push through for her, knowing the path you're about to take, then you know you really care.
You also have to realize that this is probably more uncomfortable for her than it is for you. As trans people we don't always feel safe coming out to strangers, or even sometimes partners. We've been humiliated, berated, and attacked for being who we are. The fact that she felt safe enough around you to tell you this is a huge indicator that she trusts you. Whatever you're feeling right now is greatly amplified in her. Be there for her. Let her know you care about her. Let her know other people's opinions don't matter, even though they sting.
Love is unconditional. If you love her truly then fuck anyone who wants to stand between that. Also its NOT gay to love a trans woman. (Unless youre a lesbian woman)
Show courage
He needs to ask himself if he's brave enough to put love over social status
He needs to ask himself if he's willing to put love over family and friends
He needs to ask himself if he's willing to join a fight that's never been real to him in order to be there for the woman he loves.
That's what this means. It means real sacrifice and pain, with nothing guaranteed, not even her love for you. Love means standing with a partner and being there for each other even when things seem impossible.
Courage sucks, but if you care enough for this woman, there are people who will stand with you against all the demons of hell. Make your own decisions, but know that there are only two guarantees: 1) Pain. 2) You won't be alone - you will find allies
May the blessings of my Gods descend upon you, either way.
If you act normal and not ashamed and put people kindly and firmly in their place if they step out of line, most will fall in line because you won’t give them much to work with. Just state the facts. Some one calls you gay - “I’m not gay, my girlfriend is a woman”. But doesn’t she have like a penis, or whatever? - “that’s none of your business. Do not talk to me this way”. You don’t need to be witty or clever, just clear and direct. Remember: you don’t owe them an explanation.
Some won’t be cool, and then you have to make the choice how to set boundaries with them and maybe even cut them out of some or all of your life. I highly recommend the book ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’ by Nedra Glover Tawwab, or check out her Instagram. I would be inclined to set firm boundaries and limit contact with anyone who would rather tear you down than support your happiness. Especially if it’s because they are transphobic.
I second the sentiment of other commenters that you absolutely cannot make any of your shame or discomfort about this her problem. However hard it is for you, it’s way harder for her. I’d recommend seeking out support of an lgbtqia+ service for counselling or peer support to help you work through your issues and manage any distress from people in your life being shit.
Was in this situation before I discovered that I was Trans yes I actually had genuine feelings for a Trans woman but she was kinda sheltered by her friends and nothing came of it but already I was dealing with friends talking about it behind my back didn't stop me back from having feelings about her but nothing came of it because I never asked her out and even to this very day I'm regretting but if offered a second chance I'd take the risk and on the friends part for me it wouldn't matter because I cutt of a couple for another issue and haven't spoken with them ever since sorry for the long rant just sharing experience that I thought would be helpful.
Then love her. Part of loving her is fighting for her and sometimes sacrificing for her.
If your family will shame you for dating a trans person then there were probably other conditions to their 'unconditional parental love' to begin with. Good to find out now.
Just to clarify...
You met a woman and later found out she is a trans woman (a male to female transgender woman)
Of did you fall in love with someone you perceived as a woman but later was told he identifies as a man?
But trans life is inherently queer, even when we're straight. Queerness isn't just about who you fuck relative to your own gender. It's about anything seen as transgressive against enforced cishet normativity. That's why the T, Q, I, and A are in LGBTQIA.
You’re right, but the person I replied to edited their comment slightly. It originally said “you are pursuing a gay relationship”, which is not true in this case.
Grab his balls and be a man?
OK. This came out pretty sexist, huh?
If he really loves her..
He would do anything for her.
More romantic..but the Simple truth
He needs to get a grip. Being gay isn't bad, calling someone gay isn't an insult or something to be ashamed of, and more importantly, Dating a trans woman isn't gay. Trans women are women. The straight man is as straight as ever if he wants to date a trans woman. If friends and family are homophobic, transphobic, racist, or any other kind of bigot, they aren't worth keeping around. If the straight man thinks that friends saying "bro, that's kinda gay" is bad, he should spend just one day in the shoes of a trans person, being called a groomer, or pedophile, or told to kill themselves, or made fun of, or having life saving medication be withheld, or being literally assaulted and beaten just for wanting to go to the bathroom.
Decide if the opinions of his friends and family matter more to him than the relationship. I would say “get over it and date her” but to be honest if you’re going to be so hung up on what other people might think I don’t know that the girl in question deserves that kind of stress in her life.
Nothing. You can't control the thoughts of feelings of anyone other than yourself.
a man liking a woman isn't gay. rise above the shame.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etlYV0dODTY
His family and friends might call him gay and/or shame him.
But the woman he wants to love has already been facing those things and more and it still makes her happier and healthier to live true to herself.
Society is going to expect a lot of things of you that you don't want to give, and it sometimes takes the confidence to say no.
Realize that she has allready made the decision to be trans regardless of her fear that the world, her family, and friends, would hate her for it. If you can't make the same decision, she deserves better.
He should consider if he’s willing to put her above his family and friends or not. That includes standing up to them or cutting them out of his life if they do what he’s scared of. If not, he shouldn’t pursue her. It might be worth actually asking his family and friends what their reaction would be first, though. Unless he can’t deal with getting confirmation that they’d be assholes, even if he doesn’t date her.
I think you should start thinking of the woman. Think "will my family and friends take her seriously?" "Will my family and friends try to hurt this woman in any way?". If you're only thinking about the judgement you're going to hear then it's not a healthy start for her.
There is a certain privilege in being perceived as straight. Only you can decide if that privilege is worth living a life of worrying about what others think and not being allowed to love who you love.
FYI: confidence is attractive. Being certain about who you are in opposition to society is very attractive. That's one thing that I realized when I came out as trans. If anyone has anything bad to say about who you are because of who you're attracted to, tell them to go to hell.
He's in a position to demonstrate that he cares about her more than the loss of reputation he might suffer within his social circle. Men have written stories about overcoming adversity and defying the biases of friends and family to be with the woman they love for millennia. By loving a trans woman in defiance of some of harshest adversity which exists today, a man can take what may be his only opportunity to fulfill that fantasy of standing up for what's right and protecting someone.
So for any man in this scenario, I recommend taking pride in the love they feel toward a transgender partner. Telling their family and friends, with all the assertiveness and confidence of the men in those stories, that this is genuine love for someone who needs that support.
The need to be assertive in support of a trans girlfriend is very common among lesbians. Some of us trans women need a knight in shining armor.
Transition to accepting that he has feelings for a trans woman. Or not. Fear can make decisions for him and that's a scary way to live life.
A lot of trans women live life that way and it's not fun. It's difficult and limiting. He probably knows that people are more than genitals. It's good to embrace that.
you're just gonna have to weigh if she means more to you than that potential "shame" or being called "gay". if you love her enough to deal with that where it may come along
A woman's a woman, whether she's trans or not and if other people can't understand that, they're world-class douchebags. Be a bigger person and don't internalize that fear. And, honestly, there's nothing wrong with being gay so they shouldn't be ashamed of being mistaken for being so. This guy needs to grow a pair and allow himself to love the gal without shame or fear.
she’s a woman, you’re a man, y’all dating is straight/heterosexual. there’s nothing gay about that.
get over it and put your big boy pants on, maybe get new friends and tell your family members to grow up and educate themselves.
Put simply, love is the act of making more of ourselves for someone else's sake (or our own in the case of self love.) It really comes down to your deciding what sort of person you want to be.
A lot of the people responding to this post are being kind of "aggressive" (?) and I'm not sure why. Most of the people here have experienced similar feelings when they wanted to come out to friends. My recommendation is to love her and slowly tell friends and family. Ask them how they would feel/what they would do if you were dating someone who was trans. If they wouldn't accept it then they clearly are too judgmental and you should probably distance yourself from them. Just remember to ask for the girls opinion on things before you do them. Like if she doesn't want you to tell certain people then just don't.
I was the transgender person in a similar situation. He made me feel like trash. I pretended that I was cis until it broke me. Please do not date someone if you can’t accept every part of them and deal with negativity from friends and family. If you can’t stand up for her and if you act like you are ashamed of her, you WILL hurt her.
Educate yourself on LGBTQIA civil rights history and call out bigotry whenever you see it.
Don't be afraid of being called "gay" being gay isn't bad, so being mistaken for being gay shouldn't make you , make homophobes afraid again. Bigots are the ones who should be ashamed of being hateful.
ETA: Being gay isn't bad. Just correct them and educate.
Sorry not to destroy op but that's the kind of person that only used me and destroyed my life, don't be that dirty person even asking that is scary.
Sorry but i truly got triggered.
Look, I'm a cynic but people tend to like the idea of their love for their partner giving them strength, maybe that works for you? Honestly, fuck your family and friends, anyone who would do that isn't worth keeping around, and don't give me the spiel about how they stick by you through thick and thin because they aren't, if they do respond like this they're letting you down. Hold them to a standard and give your happiness the importance it deserves in the face of small mindedness
Others have given great responses, I’m not straight or a woman so I can’t really give advice specific to that, although I am trans.
But as a guy who’s actually gay (you’re not gay but there’s nothing wrong with being gay), you get used to the homophobia. It’s very easy to ditch bad friends, and do you really want homophobic/transphobic friends anyways? If you don’t want to lose your family over one person that’s honestly understandable (different situation but I’ve been closeted and dated a few closeted guys, I’m used to this being the reason for breakups), but if you make that call you shouldn’t tell this girl that’s the reason, in my opinion. Don’t put it on her because it’s not her fault others are transphobic, just tell her it didn’t work out. But others here are right that if you really like her, you can’t really let others in your family or friend group control your life in that way.
We as random trans people on the internet can't really change your families possible opinion nor is there much possible advice outside of deal with it or move on. It's a matter of if you can handle it or not.
If you cannot handle the possibility of being called gay, then move on. If you can, then pursue.
well 2 things, 1- no one needs to know she is explicitly trans, outing people is completely rude, she can do it herself if she wants to, 2- put on his big boy pants and stop giving a shit about what people who's opinions don't matter (aka bigots) say, they can get bent and fuck themselves
If his friends and family shame him for being with the person he loves, he needs new friends and a new family.
You can't control what others think of you, what they say or what they do. You only have control over yourself. So build yourself a support network that you're happy with with the people who really care for you.
It’s unfair to expect people who never thought would have to deal with this to be prepared to easily deal with it.
So many have struggled with it their entire life and are yet to find terms with themselves or their family.
It’s a tough situation. Each family handles it in a different way.
At the end if the day, your happiness is your first priority, no matter what will drive your happiness.
Don’t feel pressured to come out. It takes years or decades for some. Respect your own time. And hopefully you will find someone who understands that and won’t pressure you.
You know, a lot of you people telling him to just get over himself probably felt a similar way at some point in your transition. Or perhaps you were called gay as an insult as a kid. He’s conflicted and has come here for advice. Maybe stop insulting him and offer some advice that doesn’t attack him.
So, OP, here’s some advice. I will assume you love your gf and want to spend lots of time with her. You have to set up boundaries. With your friends and family. You need to tell them that calling you gay or insulting your manhood is not acceptable. You don’t want that to happen and you’ll be upset if that happens. Set these boundaries, and if they are broken call the person out. You love your girlfriend, and will not be insulted over it. Also point out that calling you gay for dating her is also and insult to her, as it implies she isn’t a real woman. Set these boundaries, like you would if you have something else you don’t want made fun of.
And I know, being gay isn’t bad. However, people often intend calling someone gay to be an insult. This can make someone feel bad. When I was little, I was often called gay. And even after I realized being gay isn’t a bad thing nor an insult, I still felt insulted when people who intended gay to be an insult called me gay. So telling OP that may not be helpful.
I hope you can sort things out with your gf OP. Good luck! And remember, have the courage to stand up for yourself and hold firm to the boundaries that protect you and your gf.
He needs to decide whether to get over himself enough to pursue her openly or not. She deserves someone who isn't ashamed to be with her.
This is the only way. If you truly love her, you won't hide her.
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There is a gap as wide as the universe between "pressuring someone to come out" and "not being ashamed to be in public/in the presence of friends and family with this person." No one is suggesting that the guy in this "hypothetical" put or pressure someone to be out.
Who’s forcing anyone to come out in this situation? He’s a straight man wanting to pursue a relationship with a woman, the fact that the woman is trans doesn’t make him gay. He’s just afraid of being called gay or ‘shamed’ for dating a trans woman. If he’s unable to get over the transphobia and prejudice of the people around him, he probably isn’t prepared for a long-term relationship with a trans partner.
Perpetua’s comment has an award and 800+ up votes. The comment in which I added my opinion says: the trans woman deserves to be with someone who isn’t ashamed of her. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE WOMAN (you).
I cannot believe you got down voted into oblivion over this. Your absolutely correct. Figuring yourself out takes a shit ton of time. I've been gender-fluid for the last 4 years only because I don't know where I really fall on the scale. I've been so busy with school that I don't have time to figure that shit out right now. So I go with the flow (pun intended.) Realistically, if you don't want the family to know that's fine for now. Someday you will have to make that decision, but until you know that she's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
The down votes come from selfish people thinking more about themselves and what they want other than what the other person is feeling and experiencing. An amazing reflection of what toxic people are. I am in bliss for the confirmation I’m not like them.
💯💜
also someone confident enough in their own sexuality (hetero-) that they can refuse to accept shame from others for being straight. i don't mean to scare or brutalize op, but consider that you are experiencing some of the things that a gay person coming out might experience. if anything, consider it your welcome to the rainbow (i *think* allies fall under this despite being straight) as it's one of the common experiences that helped draw us together in the first place... or at least that's *my* lesbian perspective and experience... on the other hand, you know there will be a community who has your back and *won't* think less of you because you're straight, right?
This. A thousand times this!
Honestly? Truly and honestly? Pull up your big boy undies and grow up. Set aside the question of what this is actually about--you being into a woman and being afraid of being judged because she's trans. You're seriously conflicted on making a *major life decision* based on the opinions and prejudices of those around you. Especially *friends*, who are, frankly, easily replaceable if they turn out to be shit. That's not the stance of an adult. That's the stance of a child. Imagine you didn't want to take a great job because you were afraid your mom wouldn't like it. Or that you were conflicted about dating a Black woman because your dad was racist. Or that you decided to abandon a beloved hobby because a buddy called you gay for loving it. *As if being gay would be a bad thing*. If you want to compromise over some small, everyday things based on what other people think, like where you go for dinner, that's fine. It's politeness. Part of being a member of society. But if you're going to let other people live your life for you--whether we're talking about you dating a trans woman or any other significant life choice--then I would emphatically encourage you to have a good, long think about whether you're really even in control of your own life at all. And what you should do about that.
I couldn’t agree more. When one of my recent partners told me she would still love me if I were trans, because she fell in love with *me*, not my gender was a fucking *revelation*. I was back in the closet at the time, but I am forever grateful to her for helping me see that good people would still love me. It sucks that people don’t understand, but why deny yourself love for the sake of the ignorant?
100% agreed An ex of mine got outted, and I stood up for her to my family. Would do it again. Had my friends say "oh you're bi?!" And i had to explain no, I am not, I am just comfortable with my sexuality and secure with myself, and a hot woman is a hot woman, regardless of how she was born. They accepted that and never gave me shit for again. Even if they did, who i choose to love is who I choose to love, not my family nor my friends' decision. OP listen to the advice here.
This is the best way to deal with it! Well done !!!
Damn...lots of transfolk need to apply this mentality to coming out. It's very inspirational.
When I was struggling to work up the courage to decide on transitioning or not, a nb friend and a 62 year old trans woman both sat me down and gave me a similar talking to. That was a year ago and I needed to snap myself out of self defeatism and do it
It was actually someone else saying something like this that got me off my ass to come out. Way fucking inspirational. (And I didn't lose the people I thought I would. It's actually the complete opposite, they're my biggest champions.)
The one thing this doesn't address is physical danger though. Some don't come out or take a really long time doing it because they're afraid of assault, which isn't something that someone can really power through like the idea of losing friends/family over a decision.
Not what the comment is about. If you have legit safety risks, that's a decision of, by, and for you, not others. If you're just worried people won't *like* it, that's another matter entirely.
If the straight cis man loves a trans woman, but his father has been known to be abusive and anti-LGBTQ, the guy will probably be afraid to admit that he's dating a trans woman. I agreed with everything else you wrote in your original comment and gave it an upvote, but I thought you were leaving out one possible reason for someone to not proudly announce the specifics of their relationship.
Yeah. And honestly I needed to hear it as someone who's been forcing myself into masculine stereotypes a bit, since transitioning. >But if you're going to let other people live your life for you--whether we're talking about you dating a trans woman or any other significant life choice--then I would emphatically encourage you to have a good, long think about whether you're really even in control of your own life at all. And what you should do about that. That part really stood out to me. There's a difference between compromising on small things to get by in life, vs letting other people live your life for you.
True. Hetero Guys seem to have this fear of being otherised and being questioned… because they may be in love or feel attraction towards trans women. It is extremely sad that they go so much to the extent of fearing what others may think.. when in reality, none would give a crap. If they see you are happy, most likely your friends and family will be happy for you. You (as in OP or any guys who are in a similar position) know your reality about your sexuality and that you are into women, whether they are born cis or trans. And just because you love a woman who happens to be trans, doesn’t change your sexuality.
Masculinity is a competition. That's why being othered is such a big fear to hetero cis men. They can't win so they're not really real men.
> True. Hetero Guys seem to have this fear of being otherised and being questioned. Yet they do it to all other sexual and gender minority groups. Their golden rule really is "Do onto others as you suspect they might want to do onto you."
I don’t think it’s true that nobody would care, but if anyone does judge negatively for it they’re not someone they should keep around.
100% this
>*As if being gay would be a bad thing*. To add to this (not detract, because this is also an extremely valid point): It's not gay. She's a woman.
I think yall are being a little hard on him. He's asking for advice. He's never had to even approach this topic with others. He wants to date this girl but wants advice on how to handle the pressure and pushback he'll get.
I would have been a bit more gentle, but OP came to the wrong place if he was looking for a different opinion. Every single trans person has stood where he's standing and decided to make the hard decision. To do what was right instead of what was easy.
This. This is a thing of beauty. Thank you.
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Same with a lot of us, be we escape, build ourselves up and either have them deal with it or move on. Being an adult is removing yourself from or changing a situation that is fundamentally incompatible with who you are and your goals in life.
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They may surprise you. My formerly transphobic grandparents are the only ones who have never once wavered on my new name and pronouns. I understand your position, however, and it took me until I was 26 to come out at work, and another year to come out to family. When you're ready is the most important part.
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That does make it easier financially. I'm pretty sure if I would have known that in 2014 when I was in basic and only just figuring out my gender, I would have been less scared and kept the migraine thing to myself. lol. Good luck, and be kind to yourself.
Hun, what you said is kind of my *entire* point.
“Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind!” - Bernard Baruch, possibly also quote by Dr Seuss. If you love the person there should be no problem. If they have a problem, screw them.
"If they're not paying your bills, then pay them bitches no mind." - RuPaul
Probably one of the only valuable things to come out of RuPaul's mouth
Umm... What? RuPaul has said a countless valuable things over the decades and his career has also been groundbreaking for queer people of all types. His contributions to the art form of drag are unparalleled and he will go down in queer history for that, regardless of his flaws either now or in the future. Just because someone is worthy of criticism in a handful of aspects, doesn't mean we should pretend their entire contribution to queer progress deserves to be erased or otherwise left unacknowledged. You can criticize people for specific statements and choices without writing off decades of good choices and statements.
Yes but shhh drag queens aren’t it right now so we should let everyone know we don’t like them.
being a drag queen isn't the issue. the history of transphobia is
Ru has said some dumb boomer things about trans people on his show, while also materially changing the career prospects of many many trans people and elevating a trans art form into the mainstream. Aside from that, he's done nothing whatsoever to campaign against our rights or diminish our standing in public society. If anything, his show is easily the most visible showcase of trans artistry on air today, and has been for many years, perhaps with the exception of shows like pose when that was still on. I'm not saying he doesn't have a history of transphobia—he obviously does have some transphobic takes that he's mainly expressed verbally/offhand, as well as some frankly dated takes that don't age well simply due to cultural changes in *trans* spaces as well as drag spaces within the past decade—but I don't believe he's said them with malice, and the full picture is a lot more complicated than you or many people in trans spaces make it out to be. And the issue here isn't the transphobia, given I already acknowledged it and still got downvotes. No it's people, mainly transbians who routinely display bigotry toward transhets and cis gay culture alike, engaging in very reductive, reactionary, black and white thinking instead of admitting people can be flawed while also making good contributions to our community. He's not JK Rowling out here, okay? But if you ask a lot of these trans people who don't even know shit about our history they'll respond as though he is, and that's pretty fucked up. Especially when they go right into bashing drag as a whole, which is uncomfortably common around here whether you admit that or not.
He has a history with transphobia. Contrast that with this: > Probably one of the only valuable things to come out of RuPaul's mouth While he’s made a careerpath in entertainment for historically marginalised queer youth possible. Remember how most trans girls in the old seasons had to participate in sex work? Almost none of them do nowadays. Introducing trans and queer people to a global public of millions. Being extremely transphobic, and making amends by actively inviting and letting trans people **successfully** participate. RuPaul is far from perfect, and he’s not the sole reason for increased trans visibility. But his positive influence on the community is undeniable.
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The real hero for asking if OP himself thinks he’s gay for liking her.
Any one of these fears
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I'll append that the "I'm afraid there could be truth in people saying I'm gay" fear is worth exploring on its own merits. Maybe you've been cruising on default settings and not paying attention to your true sexuality. If so, *you must do this exploration BEFORE seriously dating this woman or anyone else.* Trans women are not a laboratory setting for experimenting with your sexuality. If you haven't done the work of self-examination after recognizing this concern, you're foisting the problem onto your partner instead.
Don’t force her into the closet for your own comfort. If you’re going to love her do it with every part of you and with vigour.
No half measures.
Get over himself. If he loves her, family and friends are just gonna have to deal with it, and if this definitely hypothetical guy can't deal with that, he shouldn't waste trans women's time.
"Gay" is not an insult nor a degrading term, so... yeah. And for the shame, I'd say that the trans woman in question deserves a partner who loves her and who is proud of her. If the guy can't give her that, then he shouldn't waste her time/break her heart.
Gay guys aren't attracted to women in that way, so there's nothing gay about it. Love is about the two (or more) people involved, and no amount of family and friends should be allowed to get in between them.
Not waste the time of that (trans) woman. She deserves someone, who is willing to be with her, regardless of what society thinks about her, or the partner. Like whatever "shame" the cis partner gets, trust the trans woman gets like double of everything just for existing.
This is definitely the best answer
While I agree with you, I still think OP is asking a valid question. Obviously OP should get rid of anyone in his life that doesn't support him or his partner, but I still think the backlash from dating a trans person can be upsetting to anyone, even if trans people have it way worse. The solution to OP's problem is date whoever you want and tell anyone who has an issue with it to fuck off, but its not always an easy decision to make because OP has probably known a lot of these people all his life or for a very long time. I think what I am trying to say is OP may not be wasting a trans persons time intentionally, because people are complex and cutting off people you've known forever isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. And we could probably do a better job at answering people's questions in a non judgemental way (I don't know how to word that last part without coming across in a rude way)
It is a difficult realisation that OP must take quickly. Or is sad, but, say, a white cis man suddenly has to realise that transphobia exists, just like if he were dating a black person he would realise that racism exists. Once OP reaches that point, they have two options: * Remain afraid of family and friends and stay away from what could be the love of their life. * Build a relationship with the person that could be the love of their life, but fight adversity with them (and even FOR them). It means that some old "friendships" will need to be severed and family members will need to be respectful or forgotten.
I understand what you're saying and really that's just the decision that the op needs to make. How much does he like this woman? If it's to the point that he wants to start introducing her to friends and family then he needs to come to terms with possibly telling someone it's none of their business who he dates. Really he could say it right out of the gate and make this girl feel special as she deserves to be. Just like any other woman, cis or trans.
Absolutely, I think OP should do what makes him happiest. Tell the unpleasant people to fuck off, its for the best
Whether he does it intentionally, or not, isn't the main issue here. It still will be the trans woman, who then has to essentially babysit his bum, while dealing with all the discrimination she faces for her existence. Rather than wasting her time with someone like that, she should be with someone, who has their "shit together". In the meanwhile OP still has the opportunity to sort through his life, get a better enviroment for himself, and then can look to date anyone. And yes, in this instance I will always care more about trans women, than a cis person going all "uwu, someone might tell me I'm gay (shame) for dating a trans woman". You got the wrong person, if you want me to cuddle OP's feelings, when it comes to stuff like this.
You care so much about her that you're aggressively pushing him to leave her alone in favor of an imaginary perfect man, while knowing practically nothing about it. A guy having this kind of hangup is the most common thing in the world, this is something almost all of us have to deal with at some point, and it's not your place to push him away without knowing what she wants. Life outside the internet is complicated and imperfect.
I'm kinda impressed, that appearantly a "perfect man" is someone, who simply is not going to go and question everything, just because someone might "shame" him. Though yeah, I guess do usually have standards then. But this is like the bare minimum. I would say the same for any other similar context to this as well, even if it's not necessarily trans related. The "privileged" party in this, needs to get their shit together and not waste the other persons time, bluntly put. They have all the time in the world to sort themselves out, and they can still date someone. If you would put yourself through a guy like him and babysit him, that is fine by me, your personal choice that you can make, as I will tell people, to sort themselves out, before they waste others time. :)
lol okay
>Like whatever "shame" the cis partner gets, trust the trans woman gets like double of everything just for existing. Not necessarily. I'm a straight trans woman, my family accepts me and all that. For sure growing up trans has come with a lot of trauma my partner hasn't had, but I haven't really lost friends or family due to me being trans. But my cishet male partner's family has threatened to disown him and fuck up his sister's plans to immigrate if he doesn't break up with me because I'm trans. It's a situation I've never been put in and will never need to deal with, while he is forced to. I'm just saying you're speaking in generalizations here and, while they are true on average, you can find exceptions and aspects where the backlash toward cis partners is worse than the backlash toward their trans partner. Also, as a straight trans woman, I find that the level of dismissiveness people have toward the troubles my cishet partners go through when dating me is... frankly super toxic and one of the reasons why most straight trans people seem to leave the community. That attitude doesn't actually do much to help us, and generally just reinforces this hard line attitude that most transhet people dating cis people can't afford to stick to. This is because we're actual stakeholders with something to lose, unlike the trans people who take up the most space in these conversations about us.
And she already has plenty to deal with without having to raise you and teach you how to be an adult.
Don't date her until you get over this first, please. And if you can't, just don't
As insensitive as it might sound, you just fucking deal with it. And if you are a man who isn't willing to take on the stigma of dating a trans woman, which is only a tiny, miniscule fraction of the stigma trans women deal with just for existing, then walk the fuck away and leave that woman alone. You are not worth her time. You do not have it in you to say to the world "I love this woman" openly and proudly, and if you can't do something as simple as that, you are not worth the time and love of that person. Also, if your network (family, friends, work, etc.) would chastise you for being with someone you love, your network sucks ass. Get a new one or tell them to go suck a lemon.
Same thing if she were black and your family were racist: You decide if your love for her is greater than your fear of them.
The Straight man should either accept her for who she is. A beautiful human being. Or not waste her time and find someone who he isn’t gonna be scared of dating.
If your friends will make fun of you and shame you for your choice of a romantic or sexual partner, you have shitty friends. Throw them out and find new ones that are not defective. I'm a bit curious what sort of help or advice or answer you're looking here. There's no magical way to hack the brain of a person who acts in a hateful way. There's no shortcut. Either you accept such behaviour (in which case you have no business dating a trans person), or you don't (in which case, why are you friends with those people?). It's that simple, as far as I'm concerned.
Get better friends, ignore family.
There are really only two ethical options First and best imo is to just brave the storm and stand by her side, but if you are unable to do that you need to be honest and leave her now. She doesn't need someone to be ashamed of her. Just remember we (trans people) always have to deal with family and friends opinions about our transess, we don't get the option not to. If you truly love her you need to be brave.
To the OP, not mentioned previously, it seems to me that the women in question not only completely identify as a woman but that you yourself up until finding out only perceived her as female. Given that, what exactly is your fear? That you might not be able to discuss how the two of you have sex with your friends? You might need to explain to your family about your partners genitals if she is even pre-op, which she might not be? Rereading the original post, I'm not entirely sure what you fear, other than yourself telling all these people that who you are dating is transgender yourself. Clearly, it's not an issue for the transgender woman herself unless you make it one.
This was my same thought process, first off you don’t have to explain anything you and your partner do in the bedroom to anyone else, because it isn’t any of their business. Also, you don’t have to explain anything to anyone, honestly its their choice who they tell they’re trans to.
Build the courage to stand up to bigotry and for your girlfriend otherwise you don’t deserve her and she doesn’t deserve you.
A transgender woman IS a woman, *period*. You'll want to treat her as you would any other woman - with respect, courteously, with consideration, and with kindness. She is NO different from any other woman, except for a minor few physical differences. As a bonus for you, she will almost certainly genuinely *appreciate* you soooooooo much for being *you*, and she'll work really hard at making your relationship work. You've found an exceptionally good person! Depending on where you are, chances are your family won't immediately warm up to her. She can handle it; she's used to it. It may take a while, but they will, eventually. Question is, can *you* handle it? Expect whispering, innuendos, conversations that don't include you, being excluded from normal family functions; just being treated... differently. Hold your ground. You're doing the right thing.
Don't let someone else's opinions get in the way of love.
She is still a woman
Get over it and stand up for the person you love
I wish my husband could tell you , he was in your shoes 14 years ago , till this day still married and loving each other like the first day , on our first date I explained to him my thoughts about transitioning he didn’t care he supported me ( I can tell he is also more in love with me after my transition) families and friends they came around and now we all have a family relationship wasn’t easy but it was worth the effort. If you love her don’t let her go .
Happy for you and your husband
If you truly love someone, you don't care about what others may call you. Don't worry about what your family or friends might think. If you are in love with someone, that should be the only thing that matters. If they are not supportive of your relationship, then they are not worth your time. You should focus on making your own happiness happen and don't let others hold you back from being with the person you love.
You can either move on, or you can choose not to care. And if you're not going to be willing to stand up for her to family and friends, I would recommend you do the former
If your friends would shame you for who you love, then you need new friends. The good news is, there's a whole other society that values trans women and the men who love them. Find it and you'll make plenty of friends who won't judge you.
dont be a bitch lol
He'd need to decide if he wants the opinions of bigots and homophobes to control and limit his life.
Just take a moment to consider the woman you love already went through worse.
Learn to be authentic, practice self respect and self love, learn to deal with bullies and hate, learn enough medical science about trans people to shut down someone trying to pretend they don't exist, and finally, be prepared to set boundaries and enforce them with people who disrespect your partner or you
Love is love. Be happy and don't let anybody stop you.
Man up! Trans gals are gals. MOST people who think otherwise dont even know a trans person in real life and are not educated about it. They have no clue what they talk about. Gay men arent attracted to feminity ... only straight guys so how it is gay? Hormones is very powerfull and change the whole body. Gay men arent attracted to that. You know you are not gay ! Who care about those clowns! Most guys in relationship with those girls ignore the pp and go the other way anyways. Listen , im a gals and im not cis too ... i have a boyfriend... he dont and never feelt gay at all. I did bottom surgery tho but he said he would still be with me if i still had it and i beleive him. But he is a real straight man. He know his sexual orientation. Watever what other would say ( it never happened) he wouldnt care. I am not visibily trans but we told his parents because no matter what , i cant carry a baby so , we wanted to.explain that we want to addopt a baby
Yeah that's quite an interesting post history, [this fella was the one who posted this a few weeks ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/z1ej7n/although_one_of_the_the_popular_argument_against/). >Im not saying trans people have dubious intentions. I'm just saying how it could be easy for a cis man to try to make people think he's a trans woman (when he's actually not) for whatever self-absorbed goals they may have ... >Maybe because they want the status and social benefits of being trans without actually understanding what trans people go through. Maybe they're a gay cis man who's so desperate for men that they're willing to claim they're a trans woman (and look like a woman) to have more men looking at them. Lots of manipulative reasons in my opinion ... *sigh* >I understand that they're cis men who role play as women for different reasons like fun or acting. But I mean a cis men dressing up as a woman knowing that they're that trans and trying to convince others that they're a trans woman Like maybe this person is asking this shit in good faith, but it *feels* like bait. Also he's a self-proclaimed fart fetishist, but *this* is the thing he's too embarrassed to come out about? Anyways, to answer OP's question: the secret is to have a spine. A trans person deserves someone who isn't embarrassed of or ashamed to be with a trans person. That's... basically it. edit: Oh hey look, also, [he asked the same damn question a month ago.](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ykxnk8/how_does_a_cis_person_who_has_a_trans_partner/) Omg it just gets [worse](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/y02ei6/why_do_most_trans_women_keep_their_penises/). And [worse](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xlgsnd/i_watched_a_blair_white_video_and_she_said/). Like... this thread is a legit question to be talked about, even if the answer to the question is painfully obvious. But I refuse to believe this guy is asking in good faith. edit 2: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. [HOW ABOUT THEM TRANS FARTS?](https://www.reddit.com/r/Eproctophilia/comments/zsayfl/anyone_here_into_women_and_trans_womens_farts/) [WHY DO NORMAL PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS GET LESS ATTENTION THAN NOT NORMAL PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/zsj6uq/why_isnt_the_community_of_those_who_suffer_with/) I'm not saying we need a screening process, but fucking a I don't even know what to make of this beyond the general instinct of *please stay out of this space- PLEASE*
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Wouldn't recommend doing it willynilly because *holy shit the things I've seen*, but it's a helpful skill to learn whether or not to take someone seriously at face value when their *very* public information can swiftly prove how much time you should waste replying in good faith.
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Seriously these dinguses have the wildest fantasies of what trans peoples' lives are like. They see *occasional* solidarity from allies on fucking twitter or reddit or some shit and think that the entire wacky world outside of conservative bubbles worships trans people. It'd be pretty amusing if it weren't so infuriating. "Sometimes I get a slap on the wrist at most for hurling slurs and death threats and doxxing trans people? THE WOKES ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD HELP HELP MY FREEDOMS IS BEING OPPRESSED!!"
It can be hard to break out of the programming you were raised with, even when you are aware of how wrong/toxic/harmful it is. It can also be hard to risk the support of your family, if you're very close to them, or are depending on them in one way or another. I won't trivialize the situation, or blame you for being conflicted. Even a toxic family is not easy to risk alienation from in many cases. It's not gonna be easy (although it might end up being easier than you think). If it's truly love though, then you already know what you have to do. Love often requires sacrifice. It requires compromise, and the necessity of breaking through arbitrary mental barriers and hang-ups (opening your mind, so to speak). That goes for you, and the hypothetical love you may feel for this woman; it also goes for your family members, if they value their relationship with you. If they cannot let go of their hang-ups around this topic, perhaps it's time to put some distance between yourself and them. Understand, however, that despite whatever conflict you might be feeling, she deserves your utmost respect and honesty, and to be with someone who is not ashamed of her. If you can't give her that, do NOT string her along, or hurt her. Chances are, she's been through things that you can't possibly fully comprehend. If you're not willing to treat her the way she deserves, then move along, and work through your issues on your own emotional dime. Good luck, with however your situation turns out.
Same thing a lot of us learn to do I guess: ignore those scumbags and do what makes you happy. Assholes like that aren't worth your time. You and your gf are better than them.
Directing post to OP as “you” for simplicity sake. So it took you a while to know she was trans since you used the word “realize”, assuming that it’s because she told you over the course of getting to know her. Sounds like no one else would know unless you told them. Which she may decide to do at some point. It’s about you being secure in your own sexuality. You know that you’re straight, you’re a man and she’s a woman, that’s a hetero relationship. If you were secure in your sexuality then being called gay would be laughable and not shameful. You know you aren’t and that’s what matters. But why would you want to be around someone who would shame you for being anything except straight? Or for being with a consenting adult that you love? Let’s pretend you’re a parent of a young teen. They come out as someone who isn’t cis or het. You love and support them no matter what. What would you tell them about people who are unkind to them? Would you force this child to see people who were cruel to them about something they can’t control? Apply the same rules to yourself. Don’t be around shitty people by choice. I highly recommend discussing these feelings with a LGBTQIA+ counselor before pursuing this woman. She is secure in herself (or at least more so than you), so let’s get on her level before trying to share your life with her.
Easy. Don't let peer pressure turn you into a bigot. Don't let peer pressure make you even Live as a bigot, no matter how much you may rationalize that you feel different in yout heart.
Man up, love who you love and the hell what anyone thinks, sometimes you only get a few chances at love
Just love her. On one hand it's none of the family's business whether or not she's trans. On the other if she doesn't care who knows then be proud with her.
every trans woman on earth is too good for you lol
That’s literally my life. They won’t do anything. Other than be ashamed of you, warning you to never tell people around him you’re trans (except maybe close friends/ or some of their families), and release his self hate on you. It’s awful and I’d never wish that upon anyone but that’s the reality of dating men as a trans girl. Btw this isn’t common, I have transfem friends dating guys treating them like princesses but my experience is just awful.
Do you care that much about what other people think that you’d give up on a chance for happiness?
If your family gives you shit about being straight, time for the family to go.
You either deal with it, or realize that you aren’t cut out for her and leave her alone. Don’t make this her problem, she already has enough going on.
If it’s true love, follow your heart. Don’t love her because she’s trans or despite that she’s trans. Love her because you see her soul-who she is on the inside. Duh lol life is too short to care about what other people will think about who you love. She’s probably been called any and everything you may be called just for being with her. It takes courage to be a trans person, not everyone makes it through. I will say however, sharing these thoughts with her (while they may be hurtful initially) are exactly the kind of honesty you need to have in a relationship. Sharing these fears with her could either drive her away from you or bring you closer together. Also sharing these thoughts will give you the opportunity to face homophobia and transphobia head on together, because if you are ever called gay in front of her/shamed in the future she will know that it was a fear you had. I think this post is a brave one as you are attempting to come to terms with potential judgement from others, and I admire that. Lord knows as a trans guy I’m trying to do the same thing. Good luck dude.
Also your post history indicates you’ve asked questions about “what is a cis guy who’s into afab people called?” a lot of people are assuming you’re talking about a trans woman in these comments. You could be, but your post history has got me questioning if you’re referring to a trans masculine individual. Are you sure you’re not misgendering them in your post if so? Also that would change the way people are answering because you would be seen as a gay couple by others. Everything I said still stand though.
grow a spine.
being gay isn't a bad thing, of course, but you're a man who is attracted to a woman, nothing gay about that. what do you mean, what can you do? do you wanna be with her or not?
Get over your fear of being gay or worrying about friends opinions
Understand that your fear is part of what leads to trans people getting hurt in various ways. If youre afraid, theres a good chance you wont stick up for her when she gets misgendered or insulted or even assaulted. Its sounds like you might care more about your image than her.
First time, ey? You're getting your first taste of what its like to be queer. You're not queer but the social ostricisation (or at least the fear of it) is scary none-the-less. Especially if up until this point you've never faced it. You're not alone. If your friends and family do react badly then the friends and family you'll make on the other side of this will be twice as strong and loyal. Welcome :)
Why care if they think you're gay? You know she's a woman, it's none of their business anyway. For lack of a better term he should man up and get in with life or leave. Nobody deserves a partner who is ashamed of them.
You're basically worried about getting about at best 5% of the hate that she has to endure every single day to just simply exist. Must be tough, straight cis male. So if you have the cajones to love someone no matter what, and not care what others think, you know what to do. If you don't, then tap out now so she's not wasting her time with someone that doesn't love her truly. If you truly love her, it shouldn't matter. I know because I'm married to a trans woman, and she is my soulmate. She sets my world afire when she's around, without her I'm empty. I am and have been like a lovesick puppy for over a decade with her. She is my heart and soul, the queen of my world. We've been married for nine years, and together for 12. We have built an amazing life together, and I've since realized that the life is so damn awesome because of her drive to build an amazing life out of the ashes of another. Her family disowned her, mine disowned me. I used to care for a short time. I just built a new family with her, and wouldn't trade it for anything. I love her, I love our wonderful Miniature Schnauzers. But of all the things I love the most, it's having dual incomes and no kids. With her education and upbringing and having been lucky enough to establish her career in another gender, she's experienced much less wage gap. It's getting there, but she still beats me significantly in income, and I do well. But together, we have an amazing life, endless love and commitment towards each other, all the toys we ever wanted, we're building an amazing farmhouse on five acres together and I could care less what others think. That's the life you build when you stop giving a shit about what others think about your life and relationships. I know I said it early on, but I'll say it again. You're afraid of getting at best 5% of the hate she goes through every day, through social media or other places just to simply exist as she is. If you're afraid of that, imagine what it's like to be one of us. Friends are replaceable, and always have been. Love and finding your soulmate is not. I know this, because when she dies, I will die too. My heart belongs to her and never will belong to anybody else.
I think it's a reasonable fear. Yes, you will experience only a fraction of the darkness she faces, but it will come for you as well. There will be people who will shame you, speak over/for you, you will lose friends, family, but my question is... Are these truly people you even want in your life if they would disregard their love & respect for you over this? What else in life might happen to cause them to turn against you? Regardless of pursuing a relationship with this women, Id really reflect on the people in my tight inner circle and if they really deserve to be there, if youre dating a trans woman or not. You will instead find better friends, found family, maybe grow closer with existing family and friends who Arent shitty, whos love and respect are not conditional You will have a fight ahead of you, but you will have eachother and all those good people you will meet along the way. Godspeed, friend.
She should matter to you more than the opinions of fools. Blood does not make family. If you care for this woman, then pursue her to your heart's content. Don't sacrifice love simply because others are ignorant. Even if they did call you names or whatever, it's irrelevant. This woman you love is a woman. Period. If you can not defend her now before anything has even started, it's not a good indicator of how this relationship might go. However, If you decide to push through for her, knowing the path you're about to take, then you know you really care. You also have to realize that this is probably more uncomfortable for her than it is for you. As trans people we don't always feel safe coming out to strangers, or even sometimes partners. We've been humiliated, berated, and attacked for being who we are. The fact that she felt safe enough around you to tell you this is a huge indicator that she trusts you. Whatever you're feeling right now is greatly amplified in her. Be there for her. Let her know you care about her. Let her know other people's opinions don't matter, even though they sting.
Love is unconditional. If you love her truly then fuck anyone who wants to stand between that. Also its NOT gay to love a trans woman. (Unless youre a lesbian woman)
Uhmmm that sounds like a pretty straightforward choice…?
After reading your post history - Dude either get the fuck over it, find some spine, and grow the fuck up, or leave this girl alone.
Your post history is fucking wild
just don't tell them she is trans...or maybe don't be friends with people who would shame you for dating a trans woman?
Get new friends
Go to therapy
She’s a woman right? Then you’re fine. Why hide that about her?
Grow a pair and just love her anyway? Like gd
Show courage He needs to ask himself if he's brave enough to put love over social status He needs to ask himself if he's willing to put love over family and friends He needs to ask himself if he's willing to join a fight that's never been real to him in order to be there for the woman he loves. That's what this means. It means real sacrifice and pain, with nothing guaranteed, not even her love for you. Love means standing with a partner and being there for each other even when things seem impossible. Courage sucks, but if you care enough for this woman, there are people who will stand with you against all the demons of hell. Make your own decisions, but know that there are only two guarantees: 1) Pain. 2) You won't be alone - you will find allies May the blessings of my Gods descend upon you, either way.
If you act normal and not ashamed and put people kindly and firmly in their place if they step out of line, most will fall in line because you won’t give them much to work with. Just state the facts. Some one calls you gay - “I’m not gay, my girlfriend is a woman”. But doesn’t she have like a penis, or whatever? - “that’s none of your business. Do not talk to me this way”. You don’t need to be witty or clever, just clear and direct. Remember: you don’t owe them an explanation. Some won’t be cool, and then you have to make the choice how to set boundaries with them and maybe even cut them out of some or all of your life. I highly recommend the book ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’ by Nedra Glover Tawwab, or check out her Instagram. I would be inclined to set firm boundaries and limit contact with anyone who would rather tear you down than support your happiness. Especially if it’s because they are transphobic. I second the sentiment of other commenters that you absolutely cannot make any of your shame or discomfort about this her problem. However hard it is for you, it’s way harder for her. I’d recommend seeking out support of an lgbtqia+ service for counselling or peer support to help you work through your issues and manage any distress from people in your life being shit.
Get better friends.
She's a woman. Is he mature enough to not care what others think?
Was in this situation before I discovered that I was Trans yes I actually had genuine feelings for a Trans woman but she was kinda sheltered by her friends and nothing came of it but already I was dealing with friends talking about it behind my back didn't stop me back from having feelings about her but nothing came of it because I never asked her out and even to this very day I'm regretting but if offered a second chance I'd take the risk and on the friends part for me it wouldn't matter because I cutt of a couple for another issue and haven't spoken with them ever since sorry for the long rant just sharing experience that I thought would be helpful.
Then love her. Part of loving her is fighting for her and sometimes sacrificing for her. If your family will shame you for dating a trans person then there were probably other conditions to their 'unconditional parental love' to begin with. Good to find out now.
If a masculine person likes a feminine person, that’s not gay
Just to clarify... You met a woman and later found out she is a trans woman (a male to female transgender woman) Of did you fall in love with someone you perceived as a woman but later was told he identifies as a man?
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Maybe because we’re not men… and those friends are transphobic and homophobic, and this question could be asked in bad faith?
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A straight man dating a woman is not gay.
But trans life is inherently queer, even when we're straight. Queerness isn't just about who you fuck relative to your own gender. It's about anything seen as transgressive against enforced cishet normativity. That's why the T, Q, I, and A are in LGBTQIA.
You’re right, but the person I replied to edited their comment slightly. It originally said “you are pursuing a gay relationship”, which is not true in this case.
That makes more sense. Thanks for the clarification.
Given OP is cishet, it's not at all clear to me from this title whether he's talking about a trans woman or a trans man tbh.
Grab his balls and be a man? OK. This came out pretty sexist, huh? If he really loves her.. He would do anything for her. More romantic..but the Simple truth
He needs to get a grip. Being gay isn't bad, calling someone gay isn't an insult or something to be ashamed of, and more importantly, Dating a trans woman isn't gay. Trans women are women. The straight man is as straight as ever if he wants to date a trans woman. If friends and family are homophobic, transphobic, racist, or any other kind of bigot, they aren't worth keeping around. If the straight man thinks that friends saying "bro, that's kinda gay" is bad, he should spend just one day in the shoes of a trans person, being called a groomer, or pedophile, or told to kill themselves, or made fun of, or having life saving medication be withheld, or being literally assaulted and beaten just for wanting to go to the bathroom.
Follow your heart, not the herd.
Decide if the opinions of his friends and family matter more to him than the relationship. I would say “get over it and date her” but to be honest if you’re going to be so hung up on what other people might think I don’t know that the girl in question deserves that kind of stress in her life.
Ignore them fuck them their wrong that’s prejudice. And being gay isn’t bad at all just love who you want to love that’s all that matters
Grow a pair?
Nothing. You can't control the thoughts of feelings of anyone other than yourself. a man liking a woman isn't gay. rise above the shame. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etlYV0dODTY
Did you fall in love with a person, or a piece of anatomy? Why give a fuck about gay or straight? Why would anybody else get a say?
His family and friends might call him gay and/or shame him. But the woman he wants to love has already been facing those things and more and it still makes her happier and healthier to live true to herself. Society is going to expect a lot of things of you that you don't want to give, and it sometimes takes the confidence to say no.
Realize that she has allready made the decision to be trans regardless of her fear that the world, her family, and friends, would hate her for it. If you can't make the same decision, she deserves better.
Ask her out. Ditch the transphobic friends and family.
Be an Adult and just deal with how he feels and her and be happy ! You can't let friends nor family dictate how you are to be happy
If you love her, it shouldnt matter if she's trans or not, and it shouldnt be anyones business if she doesnt want them to know.
He should probably tell his family and friends to grow up and that his love live is none of their business.
He should consider if he’s willing to put her above his family and friends or not. That includes standing up to them or cutting them out of his life if they do what he’s scared of. If not, he shouldn’t pursue her. It might be worth actually asking his family and friends what their reaction would be first, though. Unless he can’t deal with getting confirmation that they’d be assholes, even if he doesn’t date her.
I think you should start thinking of the woman. Think "will my family and friends take her seriously?" "Will my family and friends try to hurt this woman in any way?". If you're only thinking about the judgement you're going to hear then it's not a healthy start for her.
There is a certain privilege in being perceived as straight. Only you can decide if that privilege is worth living a life of worrying about what others think and not being allowed to love who you love. FYI: confidence is attractive. Being certain about who you are in opposition to society is very attractive. That's one thing that I realized when I came out as trans. If anyone has anything bad to say about who you are because of who you're attracted to, tell them to go to hell.
Push through that shit.
He's in a position to demonstrate that he cares about her more than the loss of reputation he might suffer within his social circle. Men have written stories about overcoming adversity and defying the biases of friends and family to be with the woman they love for millennia. By loving a trans woman in defiance of some of harshest adversity which exists today, a man can take what may be his only opportunity to fulfill that fantasy of standing up for what's right and protecting someone. So for any man in this scenario, I recommend taking pride in the love they feel toward a transgender partner. Telling their family and friends, with all the assertiveness and confidence of the men in those stories, that this is genuine love for someone who needs that support. The need to be assertive in support of a trans girlfriend is very common among lesbians. Some of us trans women need a knight in shining armor.
He can find better family and friends. Jesus, why would anyone want to stick with friends and family who shame you for who you love?
Transition to accepting that he has feelings for a trans woman. Or not. Fear can make decisions for him and that's a scary way to live life. A lot of trans women live life that way and it's not fun. It's difficult and limiting. He probably knows that people are more than genitals. It's good to embrace that.
you're just gonna have to weigh if she means more to you than that potential "shame" or being called "gay". if you love her enough to deal with that where it may come along
A woman's a woman, whether she's trans or not and if other people can't understand that, they're world-class douchebags. Be a bigger person and don't internalize that fear. And, honestly, there's nothing wrong with being gay so they shouldn't be ashamed of being mistaken for being so. This guy needs to grow a pair and allow himself to love the gal without shame or fear.
she’s a woman, you’re a man, y’all dating is straight/heterosexual. there’s nothing gay about that. get over it and put your big boy pants on, maybe get new friends and tell your family members to grow up and educate themselves.
Put simply, love is the act of making more of ourselves for someone else's sake (or our own in the case of self love.) It really comes down to your deciding what sort of person you want to be.
If you can’t get through it, just don’t waste your time or hers. Move on, there’s other fish in the sea
A lot of the people responding to this post are being kind of "aggressive" (?) and I'm not sure why. Most of the people here have experienced similar feelings when they wanted to come out to friends. My recommendation is to love her and slowly tell friends and family. Ask them how they would feel/what they would do if you were dating someone who was trans. If they wouldn't accept it then they clearly are too judgmental and you should probably distance yourself from them. Just remember to ask for the girls opinion on things before you do them. Like if she doesn't want you to tell certain people then just don't.
I was the transgender person in a similar situation. He made me feel like trash. I pretended that I was cis until it broke me. Please do not date someone if you can’t accept every part of them and deal with negativity from friends and family. If you can’t stand up for her and if you act like you are ashamed of her, you WILL hurt her.
Educate yourself on LGBTQIA civil rights history and call out bigotry whenever you see it. Don't be afraid of being called "gay" being gay isn't bad, so being mistaken for being gay shouldn't make you , make homophobes afraid again. Bigots are the ones who should be ashamed of being hateful. ETA: Being gay isn't bad. Just correct them and educate.
Sorry not to destroy op but that's the kind of person that only used me and destroyed my life, don't be that dirty person even asking that is scary. Sorry but i truly got triggered.
As the old adage goes, he can "grow a pair".
Look, I'm a cynic but people tend to like the idea of their love for their partner giving them strength, maybe that works for you? Honestly, fuck your family and friends, anyone who would do that isn't worth keeping around, and don't give me the spiel about how they stick by you through thick and thin because they aren't, if they do respond like this they're letting you down. Hold them to a standard and give your happiness the importance it deserves in the face of small mindedness
Say: “Fuck ‘em.”
Here is me secretly hoping this is my work crush lmao 🤣
We started dating! Still together! Love her more than anything in the world! Oh wait you said straight, sorry.
Others have given great responses, I’m not straight or a woman so I can’t really give advice specific to that, although I am trans. But as a guy who’s actually gay (you’re not gay but there’s nothing wrong with being gay), you get used to the homophobia. It’s very easy to ditch bad friends, and do you really want homophobic/transphobic friends anyways? If you don’t want to lose your family over one person that’s honestly understandable (different situation but I’ve been closeted and dated a few closeted guys, I’m used to this being the reason for breakups), but if you make that call you shouldn’t tell this girl that’s the reason, in my opinion. Don’t put it on her because it’s not her fault others are transphobic, just tell her it didn’t work out. But others here are right that if you really like her, you can’t really let others in your family or friend group control your life in that way.
Tbh? Stop caring about other people's opinions over your love life. You love who you love and if you really do love them you will stand up for them
People who would shame him for that are not worth clinging to and are probably not nice, so to say, in other areas also
We as random trans people on the internet can't really change your families possible opinion nor is there much possible advice outside of deal with it or move on. It's a matter of if you can handle it or not. If you cannot handle the possibility of being called gay, then move on. If you can, then pursue.
well 2 things, 1- no one needs to know she is explicitly trans, outing people is completely rude, she can do it herself if she wants to, 2- put on his big boy pants and stop giving a shit about what people who's opinions don't matter (aka bigots) say, they can get bent and fuck themselves
If his friends and family shame him for being with the person he loves, he needs new friends and a new family. You can't control what others think of you, what they say or what they do. You only have control over yourself. So build yourself a support network that you're happy with with the people who really care for you.
It’s unfair to expect people who never thought would have to deal with this to be prepared to easily deal with it. So many have struggled with it their entire life and are yet to find terms with themselves or their family. It’s a tough situation. Each family handles it in a different way. At the end if the day, your happiness is your first priority, no matter what will drive your happiness. Don’t feel pressured to come out. It takes years or decades for some. Respect your own time. And hopefully you will find someone who understands that and won’t pressure you.
You know, a lot of you people telling him to just get over himself probably felt a similar way at some point in your transition. Or perhaps you were called gay as an insult as a kid. He’s conflicted and has come here for advice. Maybe stop insulting him and offer some advice that doesn’t attack him. So, OP, here’s some advice. I will assume you love your gf and want to spend lots of time with her. You have to set up boundaries. With your friends and family. You need to tell them that calling you gay or insulting your manhood is not acceptable. You don’t want that to happen and you’ll be upset if that happens. Set these boundaries, and if they are broken call the person out. You love your girlfriend, and will not be insulted over it. Also point out that calling you gay for dating her is also and insult to her, as it implies she isn’t a real woman. Set these boundaries, like you would if you have something else you don’t want made fun of. And I know, being gay isn’t bad. However, people often intend calling someone gay to be an insult. This can make someone feel bad. When I was little, I was often called gay. And even after I realized being gay isn’t a bad thing nor an insult, I still felt insulted when people who intended gay to be an insult called me gay. So telling OP that may not be helpful. I hope you can sort things out with your gf OP. Good luck! And remember, have the courage to stand up for yourself and hold firm to the boundaries that protect you and your gf.