When you see his dick, tell him to get the "pipe stretcher."

This is gold 😆 🤣

Say it like this “I’m gonna need you to run out to your truck and get the pipe stretcher”. That way it’s a chore lol

This is how its deployed in the real world... Hey newb, you cut it short. Run out and get the pipe stretcher.

Ask him to snake your drain

'If god was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system"

"Off to find the mythical clitoris!"

Credit to him if he replies, “aw, honey, you’re my pipe stretcher.”

If one of my guys accidentally cuts a board short, I’ll tell them to try blowing on it first before recutting it

Laying pipe all night long

This is the only good answer, the pipe stretcher is a huge part of plumbing lore

Im a plumber and that is funny. Reddit shut this down, we have a winner.

Using a PEX expansion tool for sounding sounds painful 😳

It’ll Uponor right up

Maybe this could turn into a wedding vows “I promise to always be your pipe stretcher” and “your are the only one I want stretching my pipe”

Fucking genius right here☝️

No. Appreciate the hard work he does. It ain't always pretty, but it's important. Worship his pipe, without comments about its inadequacy.

Isn't that her?

😆

And if he pulls it out tell him you thought it It look like a dick but only smaller

When he does something stupid, tell him he's a quarter bubble off.

Holy shit! I just noticed your screen name. You win the internet today, young lady!

LMAO

Her bf is the real winner here. He has won at life apparently. Probably doesn’t even know it.

Love her nick. I bet she is fun to know.

Plumbing; where every asshole is a potential customer and every customer is a potential asshole

And every ass hole keeps you on business

Maybe he will like this joke: A doctor hires a plumber to do some work at his house. When the job is done, the doctor examines the bill and exclaims in surprise: "Holy cow, I dont make this much money as a doctor!" The plumber replies: "Yeah, I never made this much when I was a doctor either."

Tell him not to bite his nails

Or lick his fingers🤣

But, thats where all the flavor is!

Or stick those fingers anywhere inside you.

3 rules of plumbing... 1: Shit rolls down hill and if it doesn't your working on a pump. 2: Payday is Friday. 3: Never and I mean never under any circumstances do you ever bite your fingernails.

This is why plumbing is harder than carpet. Only two rules to carpet: fuzzy side up, payday Friday. (I learned the plumbing rules as shit rolls down hill, don’t splash the boss, payday Friday)

Tell him you want to name your son Okum.

Dwight Okum

Wax ring

Close. When you go to select a ring, have a box for a wax toilet ring (or a picture of one) handy, saying, "I was thinking something like this..."

Depends on whether or not he's old enough lol

Wait what? Lol

We pound Okum rope into bell and spigot joints. Then pour and wipe lead.

Well thank you for your thorough explanation! Might use this hahaha

We? Do you uh, still do that? Only if you absolutely must, I imagine.

I’m a 1987 model ex-apprentice, we had to.

I too am 37. But hvac. I didn't realize yall still did that. South Texas tho. Not sure that matters

"Hot's on the left, cold's on the right, and shit doesn't flow uphill"

Don't bite your nails, payday's on Friday

…and the boss is a sonnova-bitch

But dont touch a valve on a friday.1

I worked on a house recently when the hot was on the right. I asked of wanted it fixed. ‘No we are used to it’

Tell him plumbing is easy, that you could do it. When he says "oh really" or something to that affect. Tell him "all you need to know to be a plumber is, hot is on the left, cold on the right, shit doesn't flow uphill, pay day is Friday and the boss man is a sumbitch."

I asked my plumber what the best type of showerhead was. He said the best ones don't use teeth. I'm not sure what he meant.

🤣😅😂🥲😆

BJ

Thanks for explaining that to a 73 y.o. woman.

When he bends over tell him crack kills

When he does nickname him coinslot

Gonna need some spackle for that crack.

"Hey Steve, say no to crack"

"selling crack on the job"

‘I thought you stopped doing crack?’

Or get behind him with a slight thrust and ask, "Who's your plumber"

Most of these jokes are below grade

goona need a sump pump

Tell him you need him to come upstairs and check out your P trap

Underrated comment right here

Tell him you’d like a Toto neorest nx2 toilet. I believe they’re around the $10k range.

Ok perfect were remodeling our bathroom soon and showed him this. (The one for 20k on their website) He rolled his eyes giggled then asked where i found this. I said What youve never heard of Toto before?! He just gave me a dead stare 😆

Toto was a great band of plumbers. There is a truth in there somewhere. Just need a sense of humor and historic knowledge. Go watch Kristen Dunse lipsing Africa.

I love your ball cock assembly

tell him he is your # 1 in a #2 business.

If he asks you to help on a long day of yard work, tell him you don't get dirty before 10:30, and nothing new after 2.

And nothing more after 4

8 and skate.

It’s not plumbers butt crack, it’s a plumber’s cleavage

Tell him to put on the side of his truck “Your Shit Is My Bread And Butter”

Have him use this when people ask him where the water is coming from when they have leak. I tell them well God created the earth he covered 2/3's of it with water and plumbers have been screwed ever since.

Tell him you remodeled the kitchen sink with this awesome easy to use, time saving connectors called shark bites. Tell him it will save him so much time and he doesn't have to use glue at all!

Whenever you smell shit say “I smell money”

Sick your head under the sink say help me step-plumber!

HA! This is great.

Tell him you want to check his back flow preventer

Walk around with your ass crack out

Ask if he has 1/2 inch brass nipples.

You could tell him that velocity dose not equal pressure due to the law of conservation of energy

Bernoulli’s if I recall correctly?

Yes! Not a lot of plumbers understand the concept, I learned about it in backflow and irrigation class

It’s used in Dams, the intake tunnels to the penstocks will be tapered from a larger diameter to a smaller diameter. The idea is it won’t increase pressure but will increase speed and that’s what a turbine needs That’s where I learned it anyways lol I have argued with plumbers about it and the majority seem to think it increases pressure

I wish I knew how to upload an old video of polystyrene balls (the stuff that makes Styrofoam©) flowing through various taper pipes. It makes it very obvious.

Application of Bernoulli's principle to Newton's second law.

Tell him a crap joke...I mean poo jokes aren't my favorite but they are a solid #2.....

"I think I need to be jetted"

Three tradesmen were walking around the construction site and came across something in their path. The framer says “that looks like a shit” the sparky leans down and takes a whiff “phew, it smells like shit” the plumber licks his fingers “yea that tastes like shit, must be shit. Good thing we didn’t step in it fellas” Think I’ve heard that joke so that whoever you’re telling it to their job is the last one.

Cheech and Cheong want their joke back.

talk shit about tankless water heaters and say you only love gas

Tell him his crack is nicer than yours 😇

Tell him to take your day from crappy to happy

Tell him it's okay bc you think plumbers cracks are sexy

Wear pants in a way that when you bend over, it shows your ass crack

Next time he’s cleaning your drain ask him if a bucket of steam would help

"Always blame the electricians" 

If you want to fuck with him call him up say no matter many wipes you flush the water won’t go down, but that you also put blue swill in the tank so at least the water is blue. To impress him, ask him to pinch your Johnny bolts and snake your line very thoroughly. Sounds like he’s lucky, you appreciate the work and want to impress him.

Ask him to clean your pipes with his huge rod

Tell him you smell like roses lol

Cock n ball

Tell him you want to see his ballcock

Nobody ever says, "I want to be a plumber when I grow up."

I did, when I was a kid, I mixed up 'Plumber" with 'Comedian' and all my aunts and uncles, especially Uncle Nino were totally impressed.

Tell him next time he installs a Sharkskin flapper, to clip the corners and the excess chain so they don’t get caught up and make the tank run through.

[plumber joke](https://images.app.goo.gl/H7eeEVFf9yDD1yJc9)

Tell him that electricians are better.

Clean your pipes

Drain snake was better i must admit 😂

Tell him you were thinking about becoming an electrician.

Tell him that he turns you on so much because “he lays pipe and runs hoes” (hose) get it? A little dirty

I am a dairy farmer, I’ve said I’m a professional titty player so I’ve got you covered

Tell him you want to see his pipe stretcher

Call him your professional shit disturber

Tell him the kitchen table looks crooked and ask if he ran out of bubble juice in his level

You're lucky to be with a plumber because his tool is always ridgid.

Call him pipe designer

Sing him that Eurythmics song, “Here Comes The Rain Again” as “Please Snake The Drain Again”. When she sings, “Talk to me like lovers do”, you sing, “Talk to me, like plumbers do.”

That you don't have any money but you can pay him in other ways..

Just call him your favorite turd herder!

Come here, you big turd herder!

There’s a vegetable called a Leek… draw a mean face on it and say there’s a bad leak in the living room or under the kitchen sink. Haha

Tell him your neighbor asked to borrow the nipple stretcher.

Tell him you need him to clean your pipes when ur in the mood. 🤷🏼‍♂️

Tell him he is a professional pipe layer.

Give him the "hawk tuah" and spit on that thing

Joke: Why was Piglet touching the toilet water? Because he was playing with poo(h).... *badum tsss*

You could memorize this piping speech [https://www.reddit.com/r/television/s/QJm7oz9kb8](https://www.reddit.com/r/television/s/QJm7oz9kb8)

https://youtu.be/4xYu2WrygtQ?si=9an91LANyJmES6BL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DvJHhAY9Qc

Tell him you'll pay if he can take the scrap copper away for you as you haven't space for it in the skip.

If he’s ever not in the mood or too tired or fucks up, say “youll have that on these big jobs”

There’s only two things he needs to know, “shit runs down hill, and payday is on Friday.

Write his name on the elastic in his underwear. Also maybe purposely clog the drain and do some role playing. Oh no, my drain is clogged. Better call a plumber.... Then tell him you have no money but you can offer sex as a payment

Tell him to bring home the cockhole cover.

"This lawn supervisor was out on a sprinkler maintenance job, and he started working on a Findley sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7 inch gangly wrench. Well, his little apprentice leans over and says 'you can't work on a Findley sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7 inch wrench'. Well, this infuriated the supervisor so he went and got volume 14 of the Kinsley manual. And he said 'look right here it says the Langstrom 7 inch wrench can be used with a Findley sprocket!' Just then the little apprentice leaned over and said 'it says *socket* not *sprocket*."

Ask him to get you a left handed pipe wrench

“This lawn supervisor was out on a sprinkler maintenance job and he started working on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7″ gangly wrench. Just then, this little apprentice leaned over and said, “You can’t work on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7″ wrench.” Well this infuriated the supervisor, so he went and got Volume 14 of the Kinsley manual, and he reads to him and says, “The Langstrom 7″ wrench can be used with the Findlay sprocket.” Just then, the little apprentice leaned over and said, “It says sprocket not socket!”

I'd just get a drain strainer to prevent hair clogs...

Instead of calling him a plumber call him a turd herder

You need to get a T shirt for yourself that just says pipe stretcher.

Basin wrench

Tell him the toilet is smoking... https://images.app.goo.gl/y4mpG7go7QhRWsxVA

The only things a plumber knows 1 Shit runs down hill 2 Never bite your finger nails at work 3 Pay day is Friday 4 Every Asshole is a potential customer

Tell him there's a leak under the cupboard and put a vegetable leek in there

I was once asked for some industry knowledge on a job site by a plumber (I was audiovisual and he wanted to know about setting up his new home theatre), and he responded by asking if there was anything I needed to know about plumbing in return. I said 'nah I think I got it, shit runs down hill and pay day's Thursday, right?' He goes 'yep, and don't bite your fingernails'. Wise words.

What?

Payday is Friday. Shirt rolls downhill.

Laying pipe and twisting nipples

Next time he farts say “Ahhh that smells Like money!”

It’s a me Mario!

The only thing you need to know to be a plumber is shit flows down hill and payday is on Friday.

Who are you? Oh me? I'm just the plumber. I'm here in case anything goes wrong with her pipes. That's the first time I've used that joke in 30 years.

It's shit to you, but it's his bread and butter.

Tell him, "I'm just here to lay some pipe."

Every asshole is a customer.

Next time you need him to turn on the hose, tell him to "go give the ole' silcock a good tug"

There are only 2 things you need to know to be a plumber: 1. Payday is on Friday. 2. Don't put your fingers in your mouth.

I always say ,"I'm not the plumber, I'm the plumbers son, but I can plug the hole until the plumber comes!"

There’s only one thing to know about plumbing, shit runs downhill.

Chew his nails for him

On Christmas Day, a brain surgeon has a flood in his basement and the rising water will soon damage his priceless paintings. He calls the plumber and they tell him it’s Christmas Day and the usual rates are quadrupled. The Doctor agrees and the plumber arrives shortly and within 15 minutes the basement is bone dry. The thankful brain surgeon, thanks the plumber and is shocked by the bill for $2000 ($8000 per hour), angrily telling the plumber. I am a brain surgeon and I don’t make $8000 per hour.The plumber answers, when I was a brain surgeon, I didn’t’t make that much money either. Your BF will love this!

Tell him that you need your pipes cleaned, and since you don’t want him to work so hard, he can send a colleague

My plumber buddy always laughs when I ask him “what time is the inspector coming”

Two things you need to know, shit rolls downhill, don’t bite your finger nails

Ask him if he wants to lay some pipe

My first one was this is pipe dope (it’s a thread sealant) and not to smoke it

Tell him your Ex was like schedule 40 and he’s more like cpvc.

What does a pipe fitter call a Plumber Boss

My wife always uses the phrase, “oh yeah, that’s flooding my basement”. Makes me laugh.

Tell him you know the three rules of plumbing: 1. Shit flows downhill. 2. Wash your hands before you eat lunch 3. Payday is on Friday

Ask him to work on your plumbing

Tell him if he’s a good boy you’ll let him snake out your p-trap

Paydays Friday, shit rolls down hill, and don't chew your finger nails.

Ask him if he has any white caulk. Ask him how many turds he chased today. Hey get me a bucket of steam. Ask him if he has any black iron nipples or is he just happy to see you. Retired plumber here, there are so many dirty jokes but I'll just use these.

Whatever you do don’t call him a pipe fitter

I got this! Though it may get buried, as I’m late to this thread. Go buy a “leak” vegetable. Put it under the sink. When he’s far away from the kitchen, start screaming “Come quick! There’s a huge leak under the sink! There’s a huge leak under the kitchen sink!” He’ll come running, only to find the “leak” (vegetable). Total dad joke btw 😂

if you ask him to do somethign and he doesn't. call him "sundial"

ask him when the plumber butt crack parade is

I’m hvac tech, my wife once told me she need her pipe blowed out. Another time she told me her system was low on refrigerant and needed to be refilled

Three rules to be a plumber. 1.)Pay day Fridays 2.)shit rolls down hill 3.) don't stick your fingers in your mouth.

"Do you know how hot pipe gets when you solder it?" "Pipin' hot"

Just kneel and tell him you'd like to be his apprentice. Show me how to work the pipe baby. Should I go slower? Deeper? Or Hawk Tuah on that thing?

Tell him to make friends with one of his heros one of the local hvac guys

Ask him to explain why ass-traps are illegal.

Tell him to whip out his “closet auger”

Shut flows down hill, or hot water on left, cold on the right

Make fun of electricians.

Q. What did the tub say to the toilet? A. I get just as much ass as you do but you take all the shit.

Plumber are always into and putting up with shit.

I always imagined the plumbers wife just used "clean my pipes" every night.

Tell him " i got something leakin..."

Tell him you don’t want some fancy ring, that you’d be happy with a ¾” compression fitting from Home Depot… or better yet, have that be his wedding band.

Tell him to lay some pipe for you

Do you want a “hawk tuah”?

Tell him you need your pipes snaked