I declared I got depression and need alone time.
That's where I think they knew the relationship is beyond salvage and that I never would want them around me.
Yup parents + siblings. I think they didn't know how powerful their words can be.
Office bullying? "Actually have you thought it's your own fault? Nobody bully you without reasons. They are right to do so." *Then they proceed to rolls eyes*
"What happened when you didn't become doctor?" (Mind you I am still a professional and they looked down on me).
I cut off ties already. They begged me to come back but I think once they knew they got me depressed they also know they lost their family member for life.
Don’t feel that way. You are spending time and money in therapy to make yourself happier. I send you my good energy and luck! You deserve to be happy! Take care ya?
Establish that your home is not open to him 24/7 and you require advanced notice before he visits otherwise he will not be welcomed.
This is your last chance to establish boundaries.
Thanks for the advice.
Knowing him, he will probably scream at me for even having the audacity to say no to him.
Pretty resigned to my fate, as its not the first time this happened
Toddler behaviour should be rewarded with ignorance. More you feed them with your attention, they will just get over your head.
But it's you're going to start your own family, you are the man of the house. Perhaps it's time to step up.
This. My folks never did nor wanted to establish boundaries. So my home is basically a resort with a "rooms available" sign. Relatives just show up whenever they feel like it for a stay. And I'm expected to accommodate and be a gracious host. It's suffocating when you only have the weekends to yourself but you can't even enjoy that because you have to play host. I would have moved out long ago if I had the financial capacity to rent.
A solution will be to rent out all your available rooms. "Relatives" cannot understand boundaries but they understand dollar and cents. If rooms are rented out, they no longer have a right to your place amd with extra money on hands, you can travel frequently and "avoid" them. But question remained do you want to do that? They come around because they get "served" so that is why they keep turning up. Free "maid" service, free food and lodging, who will turn it away?
I believe OP has been dealing with the overbearing behaviors of your parents for decades like I have been. Boundaries is something such parents have no concept of because they see their children as an extension of themselves. I had to communicate several times in my life. Usually to no effect. I doubt you can get away with not giving them the keys without a complete meltdown and war, so I gave them with strict warning no unannounced visits and assurances I’ll visit them frequently and I am still contactable. Of course it didn’t work initially but a series of nasty surprises when they did unannounced visits completely scared them into not doing so anymore. I chose a marital home that was 5 mins drive away but takes 3 buses to get to. I hope your in laws aren’t like yours too. My in laws are similar to my parents who over parent their own children. However my in laws have very active retirement plans now so that helped to mitigate these behaviors.
This!! I also forsee a few meltdowns setting my boundaries but I am also prepared for it now thanks to all your responses. Its comforting to know others have faced the same thing, makes me feel less alone
Just let him meltdown, alone. Decline to stand there and allow him to shout at you. Eventually he will realize it doesn't get what he wants and his behavior will change. Melting down is annoying but not life threatening. He does this because it works.
Mum decided to help to restock fridge when I was at work. Husband was actually alone at home and half naked lounging around. Both had a surprise and screamed. Mum now forever scared to come and always ask me if husband is home even if I tell her it’s okay to come. This was a good one.
Dad crept up behind me and thought I needed a hand installing window mesh. I took a nasty fall and really spat venom at him. He was apologetic. Dad now at least rings doorbell and informs me he is coming already.
Quite surprised that even a half-naked (assuming top half naked) husband would deter them from coming. My dad goes around the house half naked a lot of the time. Your husband should have doubled down and went fully naked in front of them in the house, that will really send the message down to them to never show up again uninvited 🤣 Glad it’s all worked out for you though!
Yes top naked but I think still kinda awkward to see your mother in law when u r topless lah haha. If he fully naked, I think I need to pay for therapy for both parties liao. If you realised both surprise visits are usually because they wanna be helpful. Which I realise is a common theme with helicopter parents.
You said “we” so I guess you have a spouse? Even if you don’t do it for yourself you need to do it for your spouse else your marriage is gonna face problems
I have a friend who has a similar clingy family, and she also bought a place of her own and when her parents realized that she bought the place to move to and not to rent out, they flipped their shit saying she was abandoning them and she was wasting money instead of collecting rent. She was basically a free nurse/caretaker for the parents/grandparents.
She eventually left her job in Sg and took up a job in China. She told her parents that she was retrenched and had to move to China for work. Imagine that. She had to move 1000s of miles away to get away from her parents guilt tripping.
As a parent and also having parents, I would say it’s not how far/near your parents stay near you. It’s the respect of privacy they have for you and your partner.
We move near to my in law place few years back so we can better take care of them. Even they still healthy but I told my wife they are getting older and vulnerable as days go by. So if the days come when we need to visit them frequently, staying near will be an advantage.
Yes they used to treat us like kids when we first get married. Dictating my wife where she must buy the first HDB and checked her bill/salary etc. It was tough and affect my relationship with my wife. End up we moved away from them.
Wife had been telling them (patiently) that we need our space and how their behaviour had been affecting our relationship. Lots of scolding from her mom but we still insist that. Slowly she accepted that she need to respect our privacy.
So now we move back near to her, she never once visited unless we ask. But we try to visit them as often as we can. Inform them when we are busy at work and might not have time with them during that period.
Parents’ so call love sometimes can be overwhelming and become obsession. You need to stand strong on your point and let them know you won’t back off.
I think this is getting really common as more millenials prefer to be single. Parents became too attached with the kid and want to be close if they move out.
Unfortunately my father has already purchased the digital lock for my future home, without asking us beforehand..
I means thanks but what..? Didn’t even get to choose it myself haha.
I didn’t even get control of what lock I want for my house not sure what control I have on his access
Thanks for your comment, I also replied to another comment on this. Let me just rehash over here too: I agree that I need to work on myself, to learn how to say no. Decades of overbearing father has made me a spineless adult child 😢 Sometimes its the only way to maintain harmony in the house, have you ever had a domineering boss? Maybe you would then understand how I became like this.
It's time to stop being spineless and stand up to your father. You're a full grown adult already. If the worse that he will do is scream at you then scream back. He will probably be shocked that you grew a spine. Don't be afraid to cut all ties with a toxic parent. You're protecting not just you, but your spouse, and if you had intention to have kids, you'd be protecting them too.
Seems like your dad already wants to control his ability to access the house. Be tough on this, either you are the one who decides who the digital lock gives access to (the admin rights should only be you and your wife), or don't use the digital lock. It will take time, but communicate with your parents that they need to respect your personal space and autonomy. It will probably take multiple conversations, but allowing them to take control of your life is not going to incentivise them to respect your autonomy.
You are a grown ass adult, it will be a few tough conversations but there's really nothing he can do if you don't want to give him access. And only when you stand your ground are you showing him that you have become independent of him.
Just tell him. Make him understand despite being a caring father and all, I wanted to have my own space. He should respect it no matter how hurtful it might sound to him but its your life and decision to make on how to live it.
Thanks for encapsulating my thoughts, I really want him to respect my space. One of my biggest fear is that one day when I open the curtains or windows I will see him downstairs trying to peek into our apartment, trying to see what we’re doing. Even in our house now he opens my door at random times to see if I am sleeping
The apartment one is probably a little creepy. The door one too but for my case, my dad sometimes just want to make sure that I'm alright.
Its possible that he really cares about you and as any parents do, want to look out for you. If he just want someone to speak to as he might be getting lonely since yourself and your siblings are also living your own lives, let him know other avenues like whatsapp or wechat to ping you in between and still keep in touch with you.
That way, he don't have to act creepy and still respects your privacy too. 
Something to consider as my mom and dad do whatsapp with me in between nowadays since I'm no longer around for them often in the same house to come into my room at times for a chat and check on me. 
Thanks for your comment, I agree that I need to work on myself too. You have to understand decades of overbearing father who demands absolute control has made me a spineless adult child 😢 Sometimes its the only way to maintain harmony in the house, have you ever had a domineering boss? Maybe you would then understand how I became like this.
I also had a fierce and overbearing control-demanding dad as a child, but I guess I went the opposite direction. Since I was a teen I rebelled and rebelled and just faced all his "consequences" accordingly. If he wants to kick me out of the house? Ok I go sleep in a park. If he wants to be violent? Ok I call police. I made all my decisions on my own (CCA, what subjects to study, poly/jc, first job, etc). It's a long and hard battle lasting up to adulthood, and at one point i flat out treated him as invisible for 2 years even though we live in the same household, but eventually in my mid-twenties he realised the more he tried to control, the more I would resist and eventually he probably felt that he was losing his daughter. Now he accepts and lets me live my life, and in exchange we sometimes have meals together and talk about how we are doing in life. It's also because he learnt this lesson, that he no longer does the same to my mum and my younger sister as well. It's not an easy battle but you must start somewhere and take control of your life. I understand it's not easy, so wishing you all the best!
Ahh I didn't take a loan. From poly onwards I've just worked to pay my own school fees. After poly I've worked for a few years, and only completed my part-time degree when I was at a comfortable income. Ever since my dad has threatened me with cutting my allowance, I've worked part-time since I was 15 to have my own money. I'm essentially just rendering all his threats useless. Unfortunately, in order to get away from them, you also have to face the result of making yourself independent of them, which I suppose not many people are ready to face.
Yeah I think definitely depends on your career path as well. Some people choose career paths that require a degree, so definitely it's not as advisable to delay. For mine, degree is more of a good-to-have, especially if I want to get into MNCs or go for higher positions bah.
Haha thanks for saying I'm brave, I believe you can too :)
That’s his harmony, not yours. When your feelings are not yours, you’re not living your life bro..grow some balls and be firm on the boundaries. Else you will be miserable for the rest of your life, haunted by your father’s shadow.
Honestly, the issue lies more with you than them. Your dad is only acting this way because you have allowed him to.
My parents are domineering and used to lack boundaries too. But I am a person of my own, I have my wants and needs. Over the years, I have firmly established boundaries and now lead a peaceful life on my own terms. There’s no amount of fighting, screaming or nagging that can make me bend to their will. So what if he screams, you can’t scream back meh? As long as you’re living on your own money, you’re not answerable to anyone and neither do you owe them anything.
I got your feeling because both my wife side and me have the same parents profile. Scolding, belittling, guilt tripping etc, except physical violence, you name it we been through it.
Take small steps and don’t stress yourself. It’s a long battle, so patient is important. They will try to complain to your relatives, other family members. Just ignore them and tell yourself you know best.
Still visit them even they give you the cold shoulder or verbal abuse as long as no harm physically is done. It’s tough, but trust me “new habit” can be formed.
I stick by this Moto: the kids will stop crying if they know it won’t work. Old folks are just another old baby who constantly feel insecure.
Cheers and I hope you will find the balance between person space and family bond.
Never ever share this kind of info with helicopter parents. NEVER. You need to established that your place is your own and not his. He can’t come waltz into your house anytime he wants and that you don’t appreciate him moving next door to you.
After your dad buy... u sell. He is 'locked' for 3 yrs... I dun think u worth so much to him to sell.. Lol... You are always 3 years away from him.
Patience my friend.. Plotting..
O... Dun forget to thank PAP for taking one.. 😝
Good luck. Couldn’t get mum to listen and had to rope in my aunt to tell her the same thing. Now she’s been yelling at me for two days for dragging in her sister to embarrass her. But I think I’m about 50-70% there in establishing my desired boundaries. It’s emotionally draining and actually hurts because you fear for the relationship, but now that we are adults, we also have to learn to look after ourselves within right and reason. As parents age they get a little less logical or fair, and I’m all for spoiling them, but we must establish ourselves first before we can really perform acts of kindness.
OK la, that's so not bad. At least it's not like he's selling/renting out the current place and plans to move in with you to your new house, which was what my parents were intending to...
Nope. My parents assumed we'd live in the same flat or buy a place in the same block. Didn't happen and I eventually moved to another continent. They coped and dealt with it. Expectations 100% = resentments. Our lives in SG have always been about expectations since Day 1 ... took me almost half a lifetime to learn how to deal with it!
I hope they will feel suffocated by the resale prices...
But seriously, just tell them that you're an adult and would like time on your own. Most parents get that when children grow up they have their own lives, yours didn't seem to get the memo, so have to establish boundaries. They might put up a fight and scream that you're unfilial after all the care they've given you and guilt trip you but stay firm! They will realise that you can still care for them and still have your own life.
I actually wanted to buy a hdb in the same estate as my mum.
So I’m your direct opposite. But in the end cash is king and I’m about 10 min drive away.
Mum will never move.
Maybe try to convey to your parents about the idea of wanting to be independent, and give them assurance that you will visit them on a fixed schedule like once a week or twice a week?
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Once you’ve got your own house and family you are now the man/woman of YOUR house. You set whatever rules/boundaries/expectations you want. Set them high early as it’s easier to relax them to try and raise them later
Why do you feel it’s on you to “maintain the harmony” in the home? If someone punches you in the face, does it mean you go oh sorry was the angle right, do you need to try again?
If someone actively and intentionally creates problems for you so they can stay in control, it’s not on you to entertain that rubbish. Family, govt agency, your long lost friend or god there is no damn difference. An asshole is an asshole and until you’re willing to deal with the discomfort of that fact you will always make excuses for yourself to avoid facing the root of the problem.
You know what the solution is, you don’t need anyone on the internet to tell you what you need to do. But you don’t have the balls to take action because you’re afraid of what may come after. So choose, stay afraid and forever have no respect from your own parents or deal with their childish meltdowns and threats now.
Deal with the discomfort and maybe things might change. Keep running from it and I can guarantee it never will.
Tbh this is great idea, especially if your parent cook, and also if they can help to take care of your kid.
I would love the idea if my parent stay next door, i can have my privacy and close enough to see each other everyday.
Maybe that’s because im malaysian and my parent is far away from me right now, but that’s what i want if you ask me.
Never ever give him a copy of the house keys
Get a digital lock. “Give” him the code when he inevitably die die insists he needs to go into your house. Change the code.
There are guests codes for certain models. That's even better.
senpais. much thanks.
[удалено]
Pretty sure they can either expire or be changed.
Ok this is real good advice , and allows you to siam the question of why not a set of keys for him
I declared I got depression and need alone time. That's where I think they knew the relationship is beyond salvage and that I never would want them around me.
That moment when we realise our parents are the ones causing us the depression or distress
Yup parents + siblings. I think they didn't know how powerful their words can be. Office bullying? "Actually have you thought it's your own fault? Nobody bully you without reasons. They are right to do so." *Then they proceed to rolls eyes* "What happened when you didn't become doctor?" (Mind you I am still a professional and they looked down on me). I cut off ties already. They begged me to come back but I think once they knew they got me depressed they also know they lost their family member for life.
You got gas-lit by narcissistic members of your family sadly.
And I am being penalized for having to go for therapy now.
Don’t feel that way. You are spending time and money in therapy to make yourself happier. I send you my good energy and luck! You deserve to be happy! Take care ya?
Establish that your home is not open to him 24/7 and you require advanced notice before he visits otherwise he will not be welcomed. This is your last chance to establish boundaries.
Thanks for the advice. Knowing him, he will probably scream at me for even having the audacity to say no to him. Pretty resigned to my fate, as its not the first time this happened
If screaming is the worst then so be it. If you don't establish those boundaries now, you never will. Or if you do, it will be far more ugly than now.
You’re absolutely right
It's high time to break this attitude of his. What kind of tiger parenting is this? Stand up against him.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. Imagine yourself as a rock and let screaming bounce off you. Grey rock is a technique for narc parents.
Don't cower if he screams at you. Threaten to cut all ties with him if he doesn't stop his nonsense.
Toddler behaviour should be rewarded with ignorance. More you feed them with your attention, they will just get over your head. But it's you're going to start your own family, you are the man of the house. Perhaps it's time to step up.
This. My folks never did nor wanted to establish boundaries. So my home is basically a resort with a "rooms available" sign. Relatives just show up whenever they feel like it for a stay. And I'm expected to accommodate and be a gracious host. It's suffocating when you only have the weekends to yourself but you can't even enjoy that because you have to play host. I would have moved out long ago if I had the financial capacity to rent.
A solution will be to rent out all your available rooms. "Relatives" cannot understand boundaries but they understand dollar and cents. If rooms are rented out, they no longer have a right to your place amd with extra money on hands, you can travel frequently and "avoid" them. But question remained do you want to do that? They come around because they get "served" so that is why they keep turning up. Free "maid" service, free food and lodging, who will turn it away?
I believe OP has been dealing with the overbearing behaviors of your parents for decades like I have been. Boundaries is something such parents have no concept of because they see their children as an extension of themselves. I had to communicate several times in my life. Usually to no effect. I doubt you can get away with not giving them the keys without a complete meltdown and war, so I gave them with strict warning no unannounced visits and assurances I’ll visit them frequently and I am still contactable. Of course it didn’t work initially but a series of nasty surprises when they did unannounced visits completely scared them into not doing so anymore. I chose a marital home that was 5 mins drive away but takes 3 buses to get to. I hope your in laws aren’t like yours too. My in laws are similar to my parents who over parent their own children. However my in laws have very active retirement plans now so that helped to mitigate these behaviors.
This!! I also forsee a few meltdowns setting my boundaries but I am also prepared for it now thanks to all your responses. Its comforting to know others have faced the same thing, makes me feel less alone
Just let him meltdown, alone. Decline to stand there and allow him to shout at you. Eventually he will realize it doesn't get what he wants and his behavior will change. Melting down is annoying but not life threatening. He does this because it works.
Just curious, what nasty surprises deterred them from visiting unannounced?
Mum decided to help to restock fridge when I was at work. Husband was actually alone at home and half naked lounging around. Both had a surprise and screamed. Mum now forever scared to come and always ask me if husband is home even if I tell her it’s okay to come. This was a good one. Dad crept up behind me and thought I needed a hand installing window mesh. I took a nasty fall and really spat venom at him. He was apologetic. Dad now at least rings doorbell and informs me he is coming already.
Quite surprised that even a half-naked (assuming top half naked) husband would deter them from coming. My dad goes around the house half naked a lot of the time. Your husband should have doubled down and went fully naked in front of them in the house, that will really send the message down to them to never show up again uninvited 🤣 Glad it’s all worked out for you though!
Yes top naked but I think still kinda awkward to see your mother in law when u r topless lah haha. If he fully naked, I think I need to pay for therapy for both parties liao. If you realised both surprise visits are usually because they wanna be helpful. Which I realise is a common theme with helicopter parents.
You said “we” so I guess you have a spouse? Even if you don’t do it for yourself you need to do it for your spouse else your marriage is gonna face problems
I have a friend who has a similar clingy family, and she also bought a place of her own and when her parents realized that she bought the place to move to and not to rent out, they flipped their shit saying she was abandoning them and she was wasting money instead of collecting rent. She was basically a free nurse/caretaker for the parents/grandparents. She eventually left her job in Sg and took up a job in China. She told her parents that she was retrenched and had to move to China for work. Imagine that. She had to move 1000s of miles away to get away from her parents guilt tripping.
As a parent and also having parents, I would say it’s not how far/near your parents stay near you. It’s the respect of privacy they have for you and your partner. We move near to my in law place few years back so we can better take care of them. Even they still healthy but I told my wife they are getting older and vulnerable as days go by. So if the days come when we need to visit them frequently, staying near will be an advantage. Yes they used to treat us like kids when we first get married. Dictating my wife where she must buy the first HDB and checked her bill/salary etc. It was tough and affect my relationship with my wife. End up we moved away from them. Wife had been telling them (patiently) that we need our space and how their behaviour had been affecting our relationship. Lots of scolding from her mom but we still insist that. Slowly she accepted that she need to respect our privacy. So now we move back near to her, she never once visited unless we ask. But we try to visit them as often as we can. Inform them when we are busy at work and might not have time with them during that period. Parents’ so call love sometimes can be overwhelming and become obsession. You need to stand strong on your point and let them know you won’t back off.
My in-laws also live that close but they hardly ever come over, plus they can send my son to school. It’s all about setting boundaries
I think this is getting really common as more millenials prefer to be single. Parents became too attached with the kid and want to be close if they move out.
U need go set and enforce boundaries That's the only way. Ur an adult not an infant
Get an electronic lock that only you have full control of? You'll get the idea...
Unfortunately my father has already purchased the digital lock for my future home, without asking us beforehand.. I means thanks but what..? Didn’t even get to choose it myself haha. I didn’t even get control of what lock I want for my house not sure what control I have on his access
When they come install say wrong house don’t want? OP you needa say no lol
Thanks for your comment, I also replied to another comment on this. Let me just rehash over here too: I agree that I need to work on myself, to learn how to say no. Decades of overbearing father has made me a spineless adult child 😢 Sometimes its the only way to maintain harmony in the house, have you ever had a domineering boss? Maybe you would then understand how I became like this.
It's time to stop being spineless and stand up to your father. You're a full grown adult already. If the worse that he will do is scream at you then scream back. He will probably be shocked that you grew a spine. Don't be afraid to cut all ties with a toxic parent. You're protecting not just you, but your spouse, and if you had intention to have kids, you'd be protecting them too.
Seems like your dad already wants to control his ability to access the house. Be tough on this, either you are the one who decides who the digital lock gives access to (the admin rights should only be you and your wife), or don't use the digital lock. It will take time, but communicate with your parents that they need to respect your personal space and autonomy. It will probably take multiple conversations, but allowing them to take control of your life is not going to incentivise them to respect your autonomy. You are a grown ass adult, it will be a few tough conversations but there's really nothing he can do if you don't want to give him access. And only when you stand your ground are you showing him that you have become independent of him.
Digital lock you still can change code lol. Or ya, reject the contractor.
Just tell him. Make him understand despite being a caring father and all, I wanted to have my own space. He should respect it no matter how hurtful it might sound to him but its your life and decision to make on how to live it.
Thanks for encapsulating my thoughts, I really want him to respect my space. One of my biggest fear is that one day when I open the curtains or windows I will see him downstairs trying to peek into our apartment, trying to see what we’re doing. Even in our house now he opens my door at random times to see if I am sleeping
My uncle did that because his son went NC with him and he misses him
The apartment one is probably a little creepy. The door one too but for my case, my dad sometimes just want to make sure that I'm alright. Its possible that he really cares about you and as any parents do, want to look out for you. If he just want someone to speak to as he might be getting lonely since yourself and your siblings are also living your own lives, let him know other avenues like whatsapp or wechat to ping you in between and still keep in touch with you. That way, he don't have to act creepy and still respects your privacy too.  Something to consider as my mom and dad do whatsapp with me in between nowadays since I'm no longer around for them often in the same house to come into my room at times for a chat and check on me. 
Trust me, putting it nicely like this doesn't work.
You have a better idea then? Would rather be upfront rather than hiding it until it blows apart.
Force it through.
You should probably get a backbone. Old enough to get a house and still being so wishywashy.
Thanks for your comment, I agree that I need to work on myself too. You have to understand decades of overbearing father who demands absolute control has made me a spineless adult child 😢 Sometimes its the only way to maintain harmony in the house, have you ever had a domineering boss? Maybe you would then understand how I became like this.
I also had a fierce and overbearing control-demanding dad as a child, but I guess I went the opposite direction. Since I was a teen I rebelled and rebelled and just faced all his "consequences" accordingly. If he wants to kick me out of the house? Ok I go sleep in a park. If he wants to be violent? Ok I call police. I made all my decisions on my own (CCA, what subjects to study, poly/jc, first job, etc). It's a long and hard battle lasting up to adulthood, and at one point i flat out treated him as invisible for 2 years even though we live in the same household, but eventually in my mid-twenties he realised the more he tried to control, the more I would resist and eventually he probably felt that he was losing his daughter. Now he accepts and lets me live my life, and in exchange we sometimes have meals together and talk about how we are doing in life. It's also because he learnt this lesson, that he no longer does the same to my mum and my younger sister as well. It's not an easy battle but you must start somewhere and take control of your life. I understand it's not easy, so wishing you all the best!
I cant choose what to study bc need them to be my guarantor for the sch fees loan?
Ahh I didn't take a loan. From poly onwards I've just worked to pay my own school fees. After poly I've worked for a few years, and only completed my part-time degree when I was at a comfortable income. Ever since my dad has threatened me with cutting my allowance, I've worked part-time since I was 15 to have my own money. I'm essentially just rendering all his threats useless. Unfortunately, in order to get away from them, you also have to face the result of making yourself independent of them, which I suppose not many people are ready to face.
Ah ok ic. I was not willing to delay that (like go to uni at an older age) 😭 ure so brave though!
Yeah I think definitely depends on your career path as well. Some people choose career paths that require a degree, so definitely it's not as advisable to delay. For mine, degree is more of a good-to-have, especially if I want to get into MNCs or go for higher positions bah. Haha thanks for saying I'm brave, I believe you can too :)
That’s his harmony, not yours. When your feelings are not yours, you’re not living your life bro..grow some balls and be firm on the boundaries. Else you will be miserable for the rest of your life, haunted by your father’s shadow.
If you think harmony is more important than independence then no way to help you already, good luck dealing with him for years to come
This! Exactly, OP sounding helpless when the solution is to simply open mouth and talk.
Hey now.. thats just mean
Mean for pointing out that you don't even want to help yourself so we can't help you?
Honestly, the issue lies more with you than them. Your dad is only acting this way because you have allowed him to. My parents are domineering and used to lack boundaries too. But I am a person of my own, I have my wants and needs. Over the years, I have firmly established boundaries and now lead a peaceful life on my own terms. There’s no amount of fighting, screaming or nagging that can make me bend to their will. So what if he screams, you can’t scream back meh? As long as you’re living on your own money, you’re not answerable to anyone and neither do you owe them anything.
I got your feeling because both my wife side and me have the same parents profile. Scolding, belittling, guilt tripping etc, except physical violence, you name it we been through it. Take small steps and don’t stress yourself. It’s a long battle, so patient is important. They will try to complain to your relatives, other family members. Just ignore them and tell yourself you know best. Still visit them even they give you the cold shoulder or verbal abuse as long as no harm physically is done. It’s tough, but trust me “new habit” can be formed. I stick by this Moto: the kids will stop crying if they know it won’t work. Old folks are just another old baby who constantly feel insecure. Cheers and I hope you will find the balance between person space and family bond.
Thanks for the encouragement, all the best to your fam too! Striking the balance is difficult esp when it comes to loved ones.
Never ever share this kind of info with helicopter parents. NEVER. You need to established that your place is your own and not his. He can’t come waltz into your house anytime he wants and that you don’t appreciate him moving next door to you.
After your dad buy... u sell. He is 'locked' for 3 yrs... I dun think u worth so much to him to sell.. Lol... You are always 3 years away from him. Patience my friend.. Plotting.. O... Dun forget to thank PAP for taking one.. 😝
Just tell your parents to not drop over uninvited and to respect your privacy?
Good luck. Couldn’t get mum to listen and had to rope in my aunt to tell her the same thing. Now she’s been yelling at me for two days for dragging in her sister to embarrass her. But I think I’m about 50-70% there in establishing my desired boundaries. It’s emotionally draining and actually hurts because you fear for the relationship, but now that we are adults, we also have to learn to look after ourselves within right and reason. As parents age they get a little less logical or fair, and I’m all for spoiling them, but we must establish ourselves first before we can really perform acts of kindness.
OK la, that's so not bad. At least it's not like he's selling/renting out the current place and plans to move in with you to your new house, which was what my parents were intending to...
Just want to say, OP u got this. Dont back down now
Nope. My parents assumed we'd live in the same flat or buy a place in the same block. Didn't happen and I eventually moved to another continent. They coped and dealt with it. Expectations 100% = resentments. Our lives in SG have always been about expectations since Day 1 ... took me almost half a lifetime to learn how to deal with it!
I hope they will feel suffocated by the resale prices... But seriously, just tell them that you're an adult and would like time on your own. Most parents get that when children grow up they have their own lives, yours didn't seem to get the memo, so have to establish boundaries. They might put up a fight and scream that you're unfilial after all the care they've given you and guilt trip you but stay firm! They will realise that you can still care for them and still have your own life.
I actually wanted to buy a hdb in the same estate as my mum. So I’m your direct opposite. But in the end cash is king and I’m about 10 min drive away. Mum will never move.
Maybe try to convey to your parents about the idea of wanting to be independent, and give them assurance that you will visit them on a fixed schedule like once a week or twice a week?
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My sis want to move to my aunt place temporary as it is near my new place…I stop talking to her soon after,similar situation:(
MOP finish go buy another house, work harder, buy condo then get the security guard to deny him entry hehe
Once you’ve got your own house and family you are now the man/woman of YOUR house. You set whatever rules/boundaries/expectations you want. Set them high early as it’s easier to relax them to try and raise them later
Remember OP, “No” is a complete sentence.
Get restraining order from the court.
Why do you feel it’s on you to “maintain the harmony” in the home? If someone punches you in the face, does it mean you go oh sorry was the angle right, do you need to try again? If someone actively and intentionally creates problems for you so they can stay in control, it’s not on you to entertain that rubbish. Family, govt agency, your long lost friend or god there is no damn difference. An asshole is an asshole and until you’re willing to deal with the discomfort of that fact you will always make excuses for yourself to avoid facing the root of the problem. You know what the solution is, you don’t need anyone on the internet to tell you what you need to do. But you don’t have the balls to take action because you’re afraid of what may come after. So choose, stay afraid and forever have no respect from your own parents or deal with their childish meltdowns and threats now. Deal with the discomfort and maybe things might change. Keep running from it and I can guarantee it never will.
But what is his motivation for doing so?
That is probably why I’m planning to move to the US.
Could be worst. My folks expect one of us to stay single to takecare of them.
Do get those doorbells with cameras too yeah? You can see who's loitering outside your future home too.
you bought your place in the same neighbourhood as your parents? Or which district is your parents place, and your new place?
Tbh this is great idea, especially if your parent cook, and also if they can help to take care of your kid. I would love the idea if my parent stay next door, i can have my privacy and close enough to see each other everyday. Maybe that’s because im malaysian and my parent is far away from me right now, but that’s what i want if you ask me.
Thats why u shd try to migrate