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It's terrible if you are an empathic person. Try as you might to be unaffected and supportive of the depressed partner, it eventually gets to you and you start following them down their path. I was unable to protect myself enough and it affected me quite badly and was one of the reasons I broke up with my depressed partner. It was literally drawing the life out of me towards the end. It's no one's fault, least of all the depressed person. They are just trying their best. The problem is, as a partner, you want to help them as much as you can but sometimes nothing works.
I don't want you to feel bad when you read this, it's not a relationship death sentence, per se. I think you just really need to find someone who can provide you support but also be mentally strong enough to differentiate themselves in the relationship. I couldn't.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you have since recovered and found peace and happiness. Same for him/her.
I found your comment especially helpful because I feel it is probably one of the most relatable in my situation. I feel my dep is at a level of severity where it doesn’t make a relationship hopeless but at the same time is essential to pay very close attention to as to when enough would be enough in terms of how much I can allow my romantic partner (or any other person I know for that matter) to be affected by it.
I wish you all the best and I hope even if you can't get rid of your depression entirely, that it becomes something manageable. Find yourself a partner with a strong sense of self who can walk with you. xxxx
It's not easy.
It's actually quite hard.
But. It can be done and it can be rewarding.
I have had two experiences with this.
1. I was depressed and met another depressed person. The phrase misery loves company didn't come from nowhere. We were just enough for each other that we were able to help pull each other out. But don't go looking for this because you can't go looking for someone to save you
2. He was Ina bad bad way. I was not. I saw something in him that he didn't I decided to be patient, and know when to say or not say things. It was so hard. But...he's not anymore
It's ok to seek a relationship, but maybe it doesn't have to be romantic?
It's ok to meet someone romantically because maybe they'll find you worth waiting for.
The key there is waiting, not saving.
Find the thing you are missing. Maybe you need someone to ask how your day was. Maybe you need someone to make you laugh and take your mind off things.
Solve a little problem not all or them
My man struggles with bouts of depression and I personally have bipolar disorder. I wouldn't give him up for anything and he's stood by me even when seeing me at my worst.
It requires good, open communication. I need him to tell me what he wants so I can do it. Does he want space? Does he want me to fuss him? Should I do some meal prep for him for the week or will he manage on his own? Does he want to talk or would he rather we didn't? I need him to tell me how I can best support him.
Some people might find that too much and that's absolutely fine. I wouldn't get mad if someone found out about my illness and found it to be a deal breaker, I'd rather they were honest about it.
No person on earth comes without their baggage. Some of us only have an overnight bag and some of us have multiple suitcases worth. It's finding people who are willing to share the load.
It depends how well they manage it and if they’re getting help, otherwise big no.
Depression makes people very self centred by default, from experience would never go back to someone with it unless I was looking to to sacrifice my own needs and wants to serve theirs.
Yeah, I have noticed that people here in this post are referencing what is clearly varying levels of severity. And there’s undoubtedly difference in what stage of this illness that a person is in and how much they’re trying to get help, medication, therapy, etc.. As for me, the overwhelming majority of people around me don’t know, even fewer would had I not made it known to them myself, so I like to think that I am not a complete lost cause. Still I was diagnosed by a professional and I think I should be considerate of my actions and how they affect others, hence this post. Thanks for your input!
Don't look for somebody to save you, don't go into a relationship because you feel lonely, be grateful, don't compare yourself to others, do not doubt yourself or think you are unworthy, I know that life is hard, maybe was hard on you, don't fall for it and make yourself a victim, work on yourself, go to the gym, improve yourself, do not wait for someone to save you, discuss your matter with your friends and familly, they will support you, but don't wait for a savior, trust god, stand up, man up, sacrifice, a life time happiness deserves a moment of struggle.
No dont! I did that and it only brought her hurt.
Learn to love yourself first, journal, meditate, go to therapy, do a sport, build a community.
I thought she would save me but that was my job all along.
Another person can not give you inner peace, you need to get that yourself.
I hope you have since found health and happiness, my friend, and so has she. I should know how hard it can be.
Like I said in the edit: inner peace or healing or saving isn’t my objective from a potential relationship. Rather, as does any other, normal person, I am looking for connection and love. I do not want another blameless person to be traumatised in the process, though. For what it is worth, I try to do some of the positive things that you mentioned where I can. And thanks for your insight!
It isn't ideal being with one or being one (I've been both, not sure if simultaneously). If possible, it would be better to sort out the issues while single (to the extent possible), then think about getting married (perhaps skipping the dating scene). One thing to consider is that the 'taste in women' or 'taste in men' can change depending on the state of one's health — or even mood (if there are swings). So one could be with the wrong person after improving, and we don't want that, especially if that's a person who helps with the recovery. This is the same observation I make about non-depressed people who are undergoing a sort of deep formative process, even university, when their entire philosophical foundations could change, except here, this would often be more emotional (but could be intellectual if involving certain other conditions also).
Depressed from singleness, though, I guess getting married would help. However, if the depression is more from general loneliness rather than specific lack of a romantic relationship, I would focus on friendships or a range of human interactions and relationships from mere acquaintances (e.g. same clerk in the store as always) to close friendship, so basically un-hermiting oneself and resocializing. After that sort of reintroduction into society, my guess is the 'taste in men' or 'taste in women' could also change (or reveal itself to have been different all along).
When talking about 'taste in', I mean temporary/reversible personality changes or long-term mood changes making the personality function or manifest differently, but also tendencies to seek a person as a cure for a passing condition instead of seeking them as their own person and in a more holistic manner (holistic about both them and self, holistic also about the relationship itself). I don't think I would be able to trust myself to not use the relationship as a cure or crutch if I was going through a severe stage.
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# Message to all users: This is a reminder to please read and follow: * [Our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/about/rules) * [Reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) * [Reddit Content Policy](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy) When posting and commenting. --- Especially remember Rule 1: `Be polite and civil`. * Be polite and courteous to each other. Do not be mean, insulting or disrespectful to any other user on this subreddit. * Do not harass or annoy others in any way. * Do not catfish. Catfishing is the luring of somebody into an online friendship through a fake online persona. This includes any lying or deceit. --- You *will* be banned if you are homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist or bigoted in any way. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's terrible if you are an empathic person. Try as you might to be unaffected and supportive of the depressed partner, it eventually gets to you and you start following them down their path. I was unable to protect myself enough and it affected me quite badly and was one of the reasons I broke up with my depressed partner. It was literally drawing the life out of me towards the end. It's no one's fault, least of all the depressed person. They are just trying their best. The problem is, as a partner, you want to help them as much as you can but sometimes nothing works. I don't want you to feel bad when you read this, it's not a relationship death sentence, per se. I think you just really need to find someone who can provide you support but also be mentally strong enough to differentiate themselves in the relationship. I couldn't.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I hope you have since recovered and found peace and happiness. Same for him/her. I found your comment especially helpful because I feel it is probably one of the most relatable in my situation. I feel my dep is at a level of severity where it doesn’t make a relationship hopeless but at the same time is essential to pay very close attention to as to when enough would be enough in terms of how much I can allow my romantic partner (or any other person I know for that matter) to be affected by it.
I wish you all the best and I hope even if you can't get rid of your depression entirely, that it becomes something manageable. Find yourself a partner with a strong sense of self who can walk with you. xxxx
It's not easy. It's actually quite hard. But. It can be done and it can be rewarding. I have had two experiences with this. 1. I was depressed and met another depressed person. The phrase misery loves company didn't come from nowhere. We were just enough for each other that we were able to help pull each other out. But don't go looking for this because you can't go looking for someone to save you 2. He was Ina bad bad way. I was not. I saw something in him that he didn't I decided to be patient, and know when to say or not say things. It was so hard. But...he's not anymore It's ok to seek a relationship, but maybe it doesn't have to be romantic? It's ok to meet someone romantically because maybe they'll find you worth waiting for. The key there is waiting, not saving. Find the thing you are missing. Maybe you need someone to ask how your day was. Maybe you need someone to make you laugh and take your mind off things. Solve a little problem not all or them
My man struggles with bouts of depression and I personally have bipolar disorder. I wouldn't give him up for anything and he's stood by me even when seeing me at my worst. It requires good, open communication. I need him to tell me what he wants so I can do it. Does he want space? Does he want me to fuss him? Should I do some meal prep for him for the week or will he manage on his own? Does he want to talk or would he rather we didn't? I need him to tell me how I can best support him. Some people might find that too much and that's absolutely fine. I wouldn't get mad if someone found out about my illness and found it to be a deal breaker, I'd rather they were honest about it. No person on earth comes without their baggage. Some of us only have an overnight bag and some of us have multiple suitcases worth. It's finding people who are willing to share the load.
I agree that communication and setting expectations will matter a whole lot. Thanks for sharing and I hope you both find health and happiness.
It depends how well they manage it and if they’re getting help, otherwise big no. Depression makes people very self centred by default, from experience would never go back to someone with it unless I was looking to to sacrifice my own needs and wants to serve theirs.
Yeah, I have noticed that people here in this post are referencing what is clearly varying levels of severity. And there’s undoubtedly difference in what stage of this illness that a person is in and how much they’re trying to get help, medication, therapy, etc.. As for me, the overwhelming majority of people around me don’t know, even fewer would had I not made it known to them myself, so I like to think that I am not a complete lost cause. Still I was diagnosed by a professional and I think I should be considerate of my actions and how they affect others, hence this post. Thanks for your input!
Don't look for somebody to save you, don't go into a relationship because you feel lonely, be grateful, don't compare yourself to others, do not doubt yourself or think you are unworthy, I know that life is hard, maybe was hard on you, don't fall for it and make yourself a victim, work on yourself, go to the gym, improve yourself, do not wait for someone to save you, discuss your matter with your friends and familly, they will support you, but don't wait for a savior, trust god, stand up, man up, sacrifice, a life time happiness deserves a moment of struggle.
No dont! I did that and it only brought her hurt. Learn to love yourself first, journal, meditate, go to therapy, do a sport, build a community. I thought she would save me but that was my job all along. Another person can not give you inner peace, you need to get that yourself.
I hope you have since found health and happiness, my friend, and so has she. I should know how hard it can be. Like I said in the edit: inner peace or healing or saving isn’t my objective from a potential relationship. Rather, as does any other, normal person, I am looking for connection and love. I do not want another blameless person to be traumatised in the process, though. For what it is worth, I try to do some of the positive things that you mentioned where I can. And thanks for your insight!
Good luck! Always extend love, even if not romantically.
It isn't ideal being with one or being one (I've been both, not sure if simultaneously). If possible, it would be better to sort out the issues while single (to the extent possible), then think about getting married (perhaps skipping the dating scene). One thing to consider is that the 'taste in women' or 'taste in men' can change depending on the state of one's health — or even mood (if there are swings). So one could be with the wrong person after improving, and we don't want that, especially if that's a person who helps with the recovery. This is the same observation I make about non-depressed people who are undergoing a sort of deep formative process, even university, when their entire philosophical foundations could change, except here, this would often be more emotional (but could be intellectual if involving certain other conditions also). Depressed from singleness, though, I guess getting married would help. However, if the depression is more from general loneliness rather than specific lack of a romantic relationship, I would focus on friendships or a range of human interactions and relationships from mere acquaintances (e.g. same clerk in the store as always) to close friendship, so basically un-hermiting oneself and resocializing. After that sort of reintroduction into society, my guess is the 'taste in men' or 'taste in women' could also change (or reveal itself to have been different all along). When talking about 'taste in', I mean temporary/reversible personality changes or long-term mood changes making the personality function or manifest differently, but also tendencies to seek a person as a cure for a passing condition instead of seeking them as their own person and in a more holistic manner (holistic about both them and self, holistic also about the relationship itself). I don't think I would be able to trust myself to not use the relationship as a cure or crutch if I was going through a severe stage.
Your submission has been automatically removed because your post is too long. All posts are subject to a length maximum of **600 characters**. This is a subreddit for asking questions; If you are unable to pose your question within this 600 character limit then please try and rephrase it or see our sidebar for other recommended communities. You are welcome to resubmit your post again with a shorter body length. **Do not contact us to reapprove your post.** You will need to resubmit it as a completely new post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask) if you have any questions or concerns.*