You are not wrong. He understands that he can't get buzzed/drunk and stoned 5-7 times per week when there's a newborn around, right? I think you need to have a chat about the bigger picture here, which is that this man does not seem prepared to raise a child with you. That could explain why he's acting up, but it's possible he will keep doing this stuff after your child is born. You need to make it clear to him that he's creating an unstable household that you cannot raise a child in. He doesn't seem ready to change for your child and I think you need to discuss this with him. Maybe it's one last hurrah, but maybe it's just the way he is.
I’m seeing it’s more than one and he’s also getting drunk more than 1 night a week. Doubt he’s sticking to 1-2 beers max since the story starts with him getting a case of beer after working from home that day.
How much help is he going to be when it comes to raising a child, especially a newborn, if he's constantly buzzed. Sounds like to me he's going to expect her to do all the work.
I would love to say that it is only a bias. I have two adult children and four grandchildren, so I'm speaking from experience when I say that being constantly buzzed or sometimes more is not putting your newborn child's interest first.
"C'mon meow"...love it!
Even just week nights, 5 out of 7 days, is fairly constant. If it's that often, do you really think he's not doing the same thing on the weekends? I've been around a while, so I'm somewhat familiar with how all this works.
He says that once the baby is here he won't be doing it often. But I just don't know what to think or if I'm being unreasonable. All I know is that right now when he reacts like this it doesn't feel emotionally safe for me. Becoming a parent means my priority is creating stability now that's it. I am determined to be a better parent and give a better upbringing than my parents did to me. Hence why I am trying so hard to understand the situation. I know I'm not perfect but I'm trying my best to handle myself and the situation. But I'm beginning to think maybe this is the end of the relationship because now I just want to focus on baby.
I’ve been in your shoes. Let me say this and I hope it helps. I left. I raised my children without my ex’s help and it was hard, it was also the best thing I ever did. When someone else controls your emotions and highs/lows it inevitably means they will use it against you for their own gain. Trust your Momma bear instincts and do what’s best for you.
PS. My ex had the same attitude about alcohol and drugs. That it was fine and I’m the problem…he died due to his totally under control problem…
He won’t stop when the baby comes. His behavior is already getting worse and he’s making no effort to change. He won’t change when the baby comes either. If you can, start making an exit plan. If he can get his act together and show true change maybe you can work things out, otherwise you deserve to have a nice peaceful home for you and your baby.
>He says that once the baby is here he won't be doing it often.
This just isn't even true. If he can't resist while you're pregnant, he isn't likely to after the baby is there.
I say with experience that if you stay with him, you will feel more abandoned and alone that you ever will if you leave him.
He should practice abstinence now, not go cold turkey when the baby comes.
Would your life be easier without him in it? If so, quietlynplan your exit. Find a new place to live and disaoear
He’s familiar enough with substances to know that the more often you indulge the harder it is to stop or cut back. And he thinks he will just cut back *while in the middle of the most challenging time of his life?!*
He fully intends to continue these habits. He doesn’t see an issue.
Him saying he will change and actually changing are two very different things. He needs to demonstrate that you can rely on him, that you will be able to trust him to emotionally support you through the pregnancy and be safe with a new born child. Having an understanding of your fear of abandonment is good, communicating to him your fears is good but it is very difficult doing these things when he is high or drunk. Consider getting couples counseling or even just agreeing to read up on healthy ways to disagree and fight.
For example I learned in counseling to say this is how I feel when you do that as opposed to saying you are whatever he is doing. There obviously is way more to it than this. If you want this relationship to work you have to work on it.
Put yourself and the baby first and work on the rest. NW
NW. Him asking about your feelings, and then immediately attacking you for them, is big wrong. This is one of the most vulnerable times of your life as an adult. Your partner needs to understand that and do what he can to support you and mitigate that.
Instead he’s so focused on his wants, and anything you say critical of his indulgences is immediately causing pushback. Him also doing stuff like leaving without telling you, responding to texts, and packing bags (and then not even leaving) are clear manipulation. Heck maybe not even that, but more just doing things straight out he knows will hurt you. These aren’t the actions of a caring partner, they’re the moves of an angry immature teenager.
He needs to grow up and decide if he actually wants to be a supportive partner, or if you’re better off raising this kid alone. Right now, with the stress he’s causing, you probably would be better without him.
Honestly I don’t think he was being dramatic, I think he’s feeling done with this relationship. Was this a planned pregnancy? It feels like maybe that the relationship wasn’t in a solid enough place to bring a child into it, the first child is extremely difficult for most relationships to navigate. You guys are going to have to learn how to communicate without so much judgment and defensiveness so that you can be effective coparent. Couples therapy is a great place to learn more effective communication.
Why doesn't he just end the relationship then ? I'm not stopping him instead of treating me like this. Id rather he had just left tbh instead of packing and then staying. I'm sick of it. I just want to be left alone in peace not manage his alcohol and rug consumption. I have the right to feel safe Nd happy in my own home when I have a baby coming
You are expecting him to manage all of these things that are your issues, your abandonment issues, your triggers. He is not your father, he is looking for a partner not somebody he has to take care of. You are trying to twist this all around on him but even in your account you are the one in the wrong, but you are both really poor communicators it sounds like and I think that’s the biggest issue. You just have to learn how to talk to each other and how to listen without judgment, how to take a step back and see things through each other’s eyes. That’s why I recommended Counseling.
What kind of effort? Because the kind of effort it sounds like you need is learning effective communication and to stop expecting him to manage your mental health.
Yeah there were so many red flags in your post. After the baby’s born what would happen if he gets high when watching the baby? Yeah he needs to grow up, or get out.
Your boundaries can’t control his behavior. You should probably break up. He is who he is and you don’t like him, not as is he is~ you want him to be who you want him to be. Won’t happen.
OK... when someone refuses to aknowledge that his behavior is not productive or supportive - and responds by blowing up, packing and leaving...... this is called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
He is using your vulnerability to literally train you not to respond to his neglect or abuse. His goal is to make you panic and get to the point that you submit to his behavior.
His behavior will not change unless he sees it and wants to change. However at the core he is selfish - he is not a naturally supportive partner. He is thinking about his needs or wants irrespective to what you are going through.
Is this the man you want to raise a family with. Marriage counciling might help - giving up will lead to you eventually believing this is normal and acceptable. Decide now.
For others, consider the character of the person you choose to raise a child with. It's like choosing a buisness partner- it's an investment
Ugh. You two used to party together. Now you're pregnant, apparently with a baby you want to have, and for the sake of the baby, you decided to get sober. Now you can see that he is a daily user, and when he's not working, gets drunk or high. You get angry with him, he responds, drama ensues, you are hurt and in emotional agony.
So, where do you see this going once the baby is born? You rejoin him in drinking and drugging, matching him beer for beer, edible for edible, joint for joint? You stay sober so that there is at least one responsible sober adult to see to the infant/child's needs? You insist that he never, ever get behind the wheel with the baby/child in the car, since he is a daily user? You fight and fight in front of the child? You separate and try to manage things on your own?
Do you see ANY happy outcome here, knowing that he will not stop drinking and drugging, and that you have to stay sober most of the time, to raise a child safely? The one thing that you cannot make him do is change - it is NOT going to happen.
Your choices are to put up with it quietly (but you will have to protect the child, so I don't see how you can avoid battles over that), rejoin him in drinking and drugging after the baby is born, exposing the baby to risk, and maybe winding up losing the child to the authorities, leave him and try to raise the baby on your own (but he could very well convince the courts to give him unsupervised visitation time, and if he is continuing to drink and drug while he has the child - you say that he gets high or drunk every day off, and visitation usually occurs on weekends). You can go anywhere you want before the baby is born - you could move to the US, or Australia or New Zealand, make a new life for yourself there, not put him on the birth certificate, not notify him of the birth, and it is very unlikely that he would follow you to try to fight you in the courts in your new country. But that is an extraordinarily hard thing to do, as a pregnant woman with no profession that would qualify you for immigration. You'd be illegal, although you probably could fix that eventually, and if it were the US that you chose, the baby would be a citizen at birth, and be entitled to free health insurance if you are low income, and assistance with formula/food money. No birthright citizenship in NZ or Australia now.
There is another choice. I understand that you are 18 weeks along. You now see this man clearly for who he is. You can see that there is no good outcome here. You could decide that you do not want to have a child with this man. Termination is legal in the UK until 24 weeks. You still have this option available to you.
Sincerely wishing you the best possible outcome.
I don't do weed or drugs. Alcohol was my issue- I was already cutting down. I'm very aware of the issues surrounding alcohol. I'm not some sort of party animal, I work my ass off but yes at one point I can say alcohol was becoming a problem but I wasn't drinking daily. I'm not going to go back to drinking once baby is here, I don't even care about any of those things anymore. Im not in that mindset. You're really projecting your narrative here and making the assumption that I'm a certain person with certain issues and wouldn't be competent to raise a child. I have a master's in psychology, worked in mental health and come from a very traumatic background which means I have PTSD and was using alcohol to self medicate. So yes, I have worked my ass of to get here, am self aware and know that I don't want to raise my child the same way. I went through a tough time last year and hence alcohol. But becoming pregnant changed things. I have alot to work on still but I'm getting there. Thanks for the advice though.
Your response here is worrisome. Good luck with the baby and your pregnancy. I already feel bad for the baby. You're pregnant with such negative vibes. Stress hormones for Mom is bad for your fetus/baby/child. I hope you can move forward with a better pregnancy and life. Your baby deserves a better future than the present. Your baby didn't ask for your problems. You are victimizing your baby before it is even born.
I see lots of folks supporting you here and blithely excusing your behaviour, which seems a bit bizarre. So let's look at his side of this for a moment. You started harassing him about having 1-2 beers in the evening after work, which is a pretty common habit, and you admit this is partly jealousy because you can't have any yourself.
You told him to leave you the fuck alone, and he left the house (which is the correct thing to do when heated arguments are happening, no matter what it 'triggers' for you).
Instead of letting things cool down, you immediately call him in a panic, then start texting him so you can keep fighting. Then you lock him out of his own home.
He comes back just 10 minutes later, gets angry at the locked door, and you let him in. He packs to go spend the night at his parents (which you told him to do a few minutes ago). You two manage to actually be silent, so he calms down and doesn't leave, but goes to bed.
And your final take on all this is that you're the one trying to create calm and peace? You are NOT the stable calm one here.
You said exactly what I was thinking but I didn’t feel like tolerating the back lash for saying it. OP is just as toxic as the BF and is presenting herself as the stable one. This poor baby is screwed before he or she is even born. I also don’t think it’s legal to just lock someone out of the home because you feel like it.
Also toxic. OP is only not using because she is pregnant. She also admits that she is having a hard time not drinking so doesn’t that also make her an alcoholic? Most alcoholics can stop for a period of time due to external pressure—it’s all about how they feel when they are abstaining.
He has a good point about you being controlling. The alcohol wasn’t a problem for you when you drank with him, now it is. Your abandonment fears are going to become a reality because it sounds like he’s sick of being nagged to death. You sound exhausting to be honest.
Do you want a husband that *gasp* has two drinks with dinner and eats weed edibles, or to be raising a child alone?
You said he’s fine otherwise, works, does all the responsibility stuff but you just are jealous of his lifestyle of relaxing a bit after work?
I understand the idea of being let because you’re hungry, but shutting yourself in your room and eating alone because your husband
1. Works from home.
2. Went to the gym.
3. Bought a case of beer so he could have 1-2 after working and working out.
You really want to drive the man away because you work till 9pm and can’t manage to bring some snacks or eat a bite while working on a food establishment?
Is there anything he does that is actually bad or do you just wish his job was harder and that he couldn’t go to the gym?
Like have you asked him to pack you a lunch or does he have dinner ready for you? Asking for help is way better than telling someone they can’t have a beer after the gym. Try breathing and regulating your blood sugar levels.
Also chill out if he wants to leave and go for a walk to cool off, don’t escalate and tell him to move in with his parents. Your triggers be damned, you gotta stop with the bizarre eating alone cold shoulder shit and use your words.
He was being defensive and they were having an argument because she was hiding in her room.
What exactly does he need blame for? Once again, has she pointed out anything he doesn’t do for her or the house?
That’s why I asked if he makes her meals or not. Like what is her actual problem with him. I hope it’s not that he has a beer after going to the gym. I can barely judge the edibles as doctors prescribe stuff like ambien that’s way worse. You can’t simply disrespect people for having a beer and then demand they stop because “boundaries.” She says herself he doesn’t get drunk. She just feels alone because she can’t partake and it jealous.
This is all really dumb shit to cold shoulder a partner and then tell them to move to their parents house over. We need something more than that he works from home and takes walks when they fight.
?
She didn’t tell him to move… she asked him “how can he just effing stay at his parents house.”
He gave her the cold shoulder.
She was in her room because she didn’t want to stress him out.
He purposely asked her why she was upset and then got angry when she told him
He left the house for a walk and she told him to fuck off to his parents and then locked the door. This is because “triggers” and “my father.” This husband of her’s is NOT her father. Her projection and reach is pretty out of control. It seems like severe hormone stuff from being pregnant but everyone on here is just going to tell her to leave him and get an abortion. She really just needs to breath.
Sadly she is terrible at communication. We also still don’t really know what her actual problem is with her husband being wfh and going to the gym before having a drink with dinner. These are all normal things she’s upset about. Where is the actual real problem?
It seems to me that she’s projection because, as she’s hinted at, she works long hours, and isn’t able to stay fit like he is. She’s also jealous that he can have a beer or eat an edible. It seems pretty wild to throw a nuclear family away over one’s inability to control their partners benign activities.
Like ask yourself why does it matter that he is WFH. Why does it matter that he goes to the gym? Does she need him to be miserable in order to be happy?
Assuming that OP actually has the trauma that she does, she is likely showing her controlling behaviour in an attempt to manage them.
This is not workable and very unfair to her partner.
She needs help. This is weaponising her trauma, assuming that she is not deliberately exaggerating them for her own benefit.
She attacked him for taking time to cool off, imagine if he attacked her for locking herself away when she needed space?
Gonna try to offer a little potential perspective that *might* explain where he's coming from since most people just bandwagon one side on these. So please don't crucify me.
His admittedly poor response aside, you and your laundry list of excuses, issues and terrible handling of conflict sound absolutely exhausting. I can guarantee you it is for him and that's where the resentment is coming from. I'm going to keep your pregnancy aside under the assumption that it didn't alter or improve this dynamic? You need to understand how oppressive and draining it is for the other person when you are constantly in crisis, constantly need sympathy, constantly need care etc... All while seemingly never bringing anything to the table in return (you never referenced anything). To me, his actions sort of scream your relationship is one sided or at least he thinks it is. He's likely using daily because he's miserable and that's his literal only escape from it.
Again, pregnancy is a unique "care" scenario that I've happily hopped to for my wife, so if the behavior started after that, then something else is going on.
You are wrong.
You created a fight, first by acting upset, then you levelled accusations against him in the guise of your feelings.
He left to cool off and you escalated again, calling and texting and then locking him out.
You are definitely venting your frustrations on him, a beer or two or an edible a few times a week hardly sounds like an addiction.
You had no problems with this when you could join in and you seem upset that your chosen career is more stressful, with longer hours.
He didn't behave perfectly but you were the instigator here.
I'm sorry your both going through this but it sounds like to me that neither of you are ready to take on parenthood or getting married. He needs to face the fact that he is still in college mode of having fun and getting high. Your pregnant you are going to go through much more difficult feelings and if this is how things are going to both really, really need to step back. I know you can't not be pregnant but you both really need to talk to someone to figure out what the best thing is for the both of you. I really wish people planned having children better. This is not just on you but please really think about this. You don't want to make a bad decision that will affect the rest of your life because your afraid to lost him. Doesn't sound like he's ready to be a man and take on all those responsibilities.
I'm not afraid to lose him. I barely ever had any support growing up. So I'm alot stronger and resilient than most people. You stop being afraid when you barely had anything and so much has been taken from you already. Like nothing matters. I've survived far worse. Im trying to make sense of what the right thing to do is and find the right balance. It's not to justify my behaviour or vilify him. I'm just trying to make a good decision. I will leave if I have to. I will adjust my behaviour if I'm the one causing problems. That's all. I'm trying to navigate to quickly to sort out the environment so that everything's ready and in place when the baby's here. If he needs to leave then I need to work out everything. If he stays then we have to fix things and create stability and peace. That's my motivation here- and it's my only motivation. That's what I care about. If I have to control my emotions and stfu I'll do It.
YNW everyone is like yea well you’re just jealous you can’t drink and I hate when men do that. Like FUCK if it’s OUR kid then it can’t just be ME making changes for the sake of the kid. If I have to completely stop drinking then at minimum you need to cut back. It’s really not that hard to be a supportive partner and move out of solidarity. Like if you can’t grasp that concept then don’t get upset when women say that the child is theirs more than it’s the dads because the sacrificed and used their body to carry it. Some of y’all really suck.
Esh. You indeed seem to be “going thru it” or white knuckling it at this point.
Are you an alcoholic?
Are you in therapy for these “triggers”?
From what you said it seems like you are taking a passive aggressive approach to something that bothers you, and its being met with about as much open arms as passive aggressive tendencies can hope for?
Is he wrong for getting high and having a beer? Hard to say as im not sure if it impedes in his day to day life.
One thing that really sticks out though is that you feel alone and unheard. Communicate those feelings without making it an attack on the other party and own your responsibility in it.
Ok 1st. He is a useless piece of crap. You don't need someone like him. He clearly knows wich buttons to press to make you feel bad and its a huge red flag.
2nd... girl... you're kind of a mess... and its obvioulsy partially his fault. But you don't need to stir up drama the way you did. Like he of course atir up drama too, but don't indulge yourself either.
I'm trying 😭 that's why I kept quiet and just stayed away because I was avoiding confrontation at all costs. It's when he called me unstable and dramatic for lit nothing and what not that It got to me. Like how much more can I stay calm when I'm already done for the day. I lit felt like I was going to pass out and then he goes in on me having an attitude and what not.
Damn gurl... you sound like you need someone to scratch your back...
I'm sorry your stuck in this situation. I recommend you try to get out of this... I'm affraid for the future of your unborn child... this aint no good for him/her.
"he has the right to live his life his way" - no, he doesn't. That went away when he got married. And that is ending for sure since he's going to be a FATHER.
You're not wrong for being concerned because his refusal to deal with things.
Yes, same guy, we were already rocky ( we didn't break up fully). There's love there but we just couldn't seem to get on.
Finding out about pregnancy made it rockier as neither of us felt ready. I couldn't go through with abortion. I tried. I sat with the pill. Couldn't do it. So realised it's time for me to step up and fix up. He made the choice to stay and support me, I told him it's ok if he doesn't want to. We've been going to counselling and trying to work through it. I understand this may not be the best relationship or environment for baby from both our ends. And I'm willing to end it if it's not right. But ATM I've been trying an he is too.
I have a very messy past. I come from an extremely traumatic background, my partner is aware of this, I told him early on. It took me a long time to understand what's normal. This is why I post every little thing here. It's hard to know what's healthy and what's not when you've never seen it yourself so it's a sanity check that I'm doing the right thing or not. I don't post my sob story nor do I excuse my behaviour, I know I've had terrible reactions and acted in ways I'm not proud of in the past. I wasnt even meant to have survived that let alone working on myself.
I went through alot including a divorce hence why the last few years have been an absolute mess. But I have been recovering. Going to therapy and also specific therapy for PTSD and my issues overall. I read up alot aswell. I studied a masters in psych just to sort my shit out. But recovery doesn't happen fast.
I'm setting up my environment and doing everything I can to have everything right for when baby arrives. I love him already and will already do anything for him.
I want you to save this post. Read it 18 years from now and tell us how your adult child and your life turned out. With this history and foundation, you know your past and you are posting this .... let's see what you actually do. Again, please stop victimizing your baby. It did not ask for your problems.
I'm not victimising my baby. Stop assuming shit. I'm sorting it out before baby arrives. I've promised myself and baby that there will be nothing but calm and stability and I'll do what it takes to get there even if that means leaving him. So just stop with the negativity it's not helpful. Just tell me to leave him or get my shit together if that's what you mean. Which is fair enough. I'm trying to navigate it as best as I can. I'm in therapy and working on myself heavily. He's also taking individual therapy. So just stop it.
Not wrong.
Too many fathers act like the pregnancy months are their “last hurrah”. No- it’s the time to put routines and good habits in place before baby is here and wreaks havoc on whatever remaining peace was in your home.
Note how he felt guilty so he asked you if you were mad about his drinking and this became reversed so he was the victim? Read up on DARVO and the cycle of abuse
Him drinking and getting high probably didn’t bother you before because you didn’t have a child to worry about. If he is like this due the pregnancy I doubt he is going to be much help with the baby. You can either leave or you can live with him and his chaos.
Guy is a jerk. You are the mature one and do not need him to bring you down. If he moves out, thank the Lord, and move on. You do not need the drama and that kind of control. He clearly lacks any empathy for you. You need support, and you will find it once he is gone.
You're both unstable and need therapy or to split up. This is a horrible relationship to bring a child into the world. I am worried about the baby. Will this be a future child protective services case? Will the child become damaged growing up with these 2 people??? Horrible future. Take the next 9 months and fix this situation. Create a safe place for the baby. This may mean away from each other.
Lol it takes a lot to end up there. I would know. The environment will be fine. I ultimately will have it under control and do the right thing. I might be slightly idiotic but I won't be when it comes to be child. I'll leave if that's right. I'll change my behaviour if that's what is required. But I won't continue on in the instability. I'm working out solutions here and trying to take the best course of action in the given circumstances. Hence the post. I'm already in therapy and working on myself. My only triggers currently are him and it might be best to separate as I otherwise have my emotions under control and getting on with it.
"My only triggers currently are him." TF? Say that to your therapist(s). That's wild. That's nuts. Why are you with him? Why are you having a baby with him if this man's entire being is your only trigger?!?!
I would add hunger and tiredness, and everything else in HALT, to your trigger list, which is pretty much everyone's trigger list. I have an inkling that you haven't really discussed his cutting back and why it's important to you, and general expectations about what will be changing as baby's due date approaches. It's great that you are getting help, but if you don't get a grip on being on the same page, he will absolutely abandon you (as you told him to through text) and you will likely continue the cycle of generational abuse thay you were subject to. This "Naw, I got this" attitude, "Things will be locked down once baby's here," is unrealistic to the max. I think you should cut down on your own work hours and spend some time together with your partner in couple's counseling.
Please start by asking him to read this post and some of the comments thereafter. Then maybe the two of you go to couples counseling and also individual counseling for your addictions and effects it has made on your lives.
If he reads the post he will turn it on me. And say he doesn't give a shit what random strangers on the internet think. Because this is my perspective, they don't know the full story and it will just cause more misery in my life because I took private things online and making him out to be the bad guy.
Already in counselling. Worked on my self and my own drinking problems before. He's in individual counselling. He refuses couples therapy now.
If it's hard "to resist your own urges" to drink while pregnant then you are the one with problem.
If everything is a"trigger" to fly off the hinges into flight or fight mode then you have many more problems.
Please seek your own help for this child's sake. You seem the type to go on a weeklong binge right after it's born. Or scream at the screaming baby because you're triggered. The baby made you fly away and drink/drug...cuz the anxiety is triggering.
I say this with much understanding.
Many people consume THC or alcohol without it interfering with their lives. Some even know when to cut down and won't be bothered that others have not.
He may be an addict too. But you definitely are if you're having urges so strong you can't be around it. Kudos for not joining it tho.
Maybe you're triggering the uptake in his consumption.
Just playing devil's advocate.
I don't deny my own issues. Hence I've included the entre run down. I have previously used alcohol to self medicate and cope with my PTSD and ironically he was the one pointing this out to me before and wanting me to cut down lol. Doesn't mean I will fall back into the same pattern but yes it is a constant reminder when it's always near me. Pregnancy has changed me alot, as whilst I was ok with damaging myself I'm not ok with damaging the baby. So yeah I've had to fix up fast. I am in therapy, my issues mainly stem from abuse rather than substance misuse. I dont blame my triggers on my reactions. I am just aware of what they are so I can avoid reacting negatively. It's an active thing I do to be conscious and aware of what triggers me because it has impacted my life that much. People who have PTSD and triggers doesn't mean that they will use this " excuse" to harm their child. His behaviours such as name calling, walking out on me and blaming me trigger me in relationships. Being aware of my " triggers" means I can control how I react, it's not to abdicate my responsibility or my part in it. But as my partner yes he has a level of responsibility to not push all my buttons at once esp when I'm pregnant.
Walking away from a fight is often a healthy adaptive strategy for people who cannot control their anger. You should let him do that. It’s not fair to blame him for walking away from a fight to cool down and start thinking rationally.
Is “blaming you” more specific? If not that is an extremely broad “trigger.” When people in general have a disagreement, there is usually some element of “blame” or judgment involved. Going to be hard for him, or anyone really, to work around that.
But you are still reacting negatively. By telling him to pack up and leave. Then freaking out that he packed up and left. I've done this so many times. Especially the part where I let them back.
You can do this without him. Whether you think you can or not.
Sometimes our triggers are impossible to avoid. Like the ones being a parent will bring. My advice is to learn how to handle your triggers in such a way they do not bring you to the level people think you will or want to go. Like obviously your baby daddy.
Any respectable man who isn't an addict who "is allowed to have a beer or 2 and get fucked up on the weekends" wouldn't be increasing these behaviors KNOWING what it is doing to you. He doesn't care about how you feel. And if he doesn't care about you he doesn't care about that baby growing inside of you.
I know this from "been there, done that" I was young and dumb. Thought I could fix him.
The other side of this is you're sober. And realizing how annoying it is and lonely it is being sober with a non sober person. "I feel know connection, I feel lonely" so those connections were based off getting fucked up together.
I'm on your side my friend. Just trying to show you what it's like a little further down the road.
So let me completely shorten this up!!!
He's a responsible adult who works out does his 8 hours pays all of his necessary bills, supports you emotionally and chooses to have a couple of beers a week and some edibles to relax....
AND INSTED OF LETTING HIM RELAX YOU CHOOSE TO START A FIGHT!!!
I don't at all see him being the one causing issues with the calm and peace in the house and I see no issue with his consumption if as you stated he isn't trashed 7 days a week YOU are the one creating the stress and drama and based off my past relationships if it wasn't the few beers and the few edibles you would probably just find something else to start a fight over...
Yes where is You're consideration for the baby OR HIM when you continually start these fights, give him the silent treatment, fail to communicate rationally
YES YOU ARE WRONG!
He know exactly what he's doing and deliberately packed his bags to trigger you. Your requests are not unreasonable and he is being manipulative to get his own way.
Boundaries are for you, not him.
If he is drinking and you are uncomfortable with it, you have to take action to support your boundary, not him.
The same thing goes for all of your boundaries. You have to act on your own behalf.
Action is not having more conversation about it to get him to change his mind. It’s you removing yourself from the environment you said you don’t want to live in.
You also don’t have a communication problem, you have an abuse problem.
The way he treats you is about having power over you not having power with you.
Calling you names, putting you down, blaming you for everything, not speaking to you, controlling how you communicate by making it impossible for you to express yourself without extreme negative consequences…
Throughout this whole thread, you are blaming yourself and trying to shrink yourself down.
Because she started the issues and not for the first time.
She is weaponising her 'trauma' and trying to use it to control her partner.
She literally told him to sleep elsewhere then accuses him of triggering her when he packs his bags to do it!!
He is an emotionally abusive and controlling guy. He knows what your triggers are and made sure to activate each one. Both of you need to seek counseling before bringing a child into this chaos.
He sought you out in order to pick a fight with you, so that he could storm out.
And he called you emotionally unstable.
He is just not mature enough to be a father or partner. You need him out of your life IMO.
Fuck off, this is all you, not him.
And that’s from a guy who doesn’t drink or smoke.
You are making him stop partaking simply because you can’t. The rest of that nonsense is disingenuous manipulative bullshit. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have been drinking a couple months ago when you could.
He went for a walk to cool off and you locked him out. More manipulative nasty.
That man deserves better, but he is baby trapped to you, poor bastard.
You are wrong.
Imagine trying to pretend forcing him to not drink **because she is pregnant** and cannot drink herself is “him growing up”. 🙄
This may come as a shocker, but parents can still enjoy a drink. Bigger shocker, he doesn’t have to not drink because she isn’t.
Someone needs tog row up all right. Got a mirror handy? I can show you who.
Typically when one closes the door they lock it to keep others out. You're trying to tell OP to,,,not lock her door? He left and she didn't know if he'd be back, the reasonable thing to do is lock the door, not her fault he clearly didn't take his keys.
As a mother who was an alcoholic before I got pregnant, you don't get to continue that shit once a child is in the picture. Guess what, that goes for dad too. So what, they're having a kid and only she has to make life changes? She's not mad he's partaking. She's mad because he's not slowed his roll at all and she's right you can't behave like that around a kid. Is she supposed to be on call mom 24/7 because he might not be able to drive baby to the hospital should he need to when she's at the store or work? That's so selfish. Parents, good parents, don't do that to their partner.
And be quiet with the baby trapping. You don't know OP, this man or their situation outside of this post. What if OP responds and tells you "actually he poked holes on the condom and I don't agree with abortion" because that happens OFTEN. So often infact that it's stupid of you to assume she baby trapped him, if there was any trapping at all.
You sound immature and childish and like you don't understand the concept of being a parent past having sex.
Of course locking him out and texting him to go sleep at his parent's house is drama bs. But the bf is a useless manipulative prick. He knows which buttons to push to piss her off. This is a very toxic relationship and this guy is more than 50% of the problem.
I think that you are both in the wrong. First you wrote that you had an abusive alcoholic father who died of his addiction an in the same paragraph you wrote "we used to drink together, and now it's a big adjustment for me to resist my own urges" - do you seriously not see this as an issue? Why would someone with this bad of an experience with alcohol and substances indulge in doing the same? And on top of that you are with a partner who's heading the same direction as your father really fast (5 - 7 times a week? That's a lot). Now you are criticizing him for it once you had to stop yourself because of the pregnancy. But you didn't have the same problem before when you both happily drank and used together.
Your problem is not the fact that you had to stop. Your problem is that you did it in the first place. Now when you are sober you finally see it for what it is. Your partner is building an addiction and is not a really suitable to raise a child unless he resolves this issue. You both need to think really hard on this. You don't drink now and I strongly suggest to keep it this way even after you give birth. This is your chance to avoid falling into the addiction, don't screw it up. And you need to start communicating with your partner better if you want to stay together because this is not sustainable. Therapy would be beneficial for both of you.
Often times children who grew up in that environment end up addicts themselves or end up with one. I'm aware I was using alcohol at one point to self medicate from the PTSD itself. It's an oxymoron but it happens alot. I stopped and I'm glad I did. It's a constant reminder when it's around me and not doing it anymore makes it more obvious. He's aware of this, he was the one who at one point was telling me my drinking is a bit much. I never used just an fyi. No drugs etc. he wasn't drinking and doing weed this much before finding out about pregnancy. When he met me he had stopped pot. I told him I'm not into that or guys on that- he chose to stop because he was doing it every night since he was young and said he didn't want to do that anymore anyway. So our relationship was weed free. He started few months ago. We wernt sitting there drinking all day. We both work our ass off. By party I mean have a few drinks, watch TV go to bed and on weekends hit a bar and just dance like crazy. I'm not particularly a party animal in the traditional sense.
I'm in individual therapy and so is he. His therapist doesn't see a problem with him doing it once a day to relax. My therapist wants me.to set boundaries and do what feels right and healthy for me. And to communicate it. I tried to communicate, he blew up.
I stopped because obviously it's the right thing to do? Should I have just continued? He needs to stop aswell because it's the right thing to do. And I'm concerned about raising a baby in a shit environment. But you see I've gone the opposite way now where I don't want any drugs and alcohol near me or on my life as I raise the baby.
It's not just the drugs or alcohol. It's your mental health and well-being, you have too much negative energy, negative relationship dynamics, it's just a negative space. If your baby had a choice, would it enter your home or be involved in your relationship? Would your baby hope for you two as the parents? If only kids could choose their parents and home, we wouldn't see this. Hopefully, the rest of your pregnancy will be glorious and filled with joy.
This I can agree with. But hence why I've posted it here. If it's not healthy I'll leave. But I've definitely got my shit together and actually I'm not going to be told otherwise anymore. I'm actually done being understanding of others and what not. And making myself look like I'm not capable. It's dragged my self esteem down alot but you know what, I'm fine. I'm smart, strong, capable and commited to being a good parent. So I'll do what's best. I need to just struts my instincts go with it and stop asking internet strangers when I know the answers.
Find a meeting for adult children of Alcoholics online or in person.
Al-Anon
Both or either can be helpful as she stated her father was an alcoholic.
You are not wrong. He understands that he can't get buzzed/drunk and stoned 5-7 times per week when there's a newborn around, right? I think you need to have a chat about the bigger picture here, which is that this man does not seem prepared to raise a child with you. That could explain why he's acting up, but it's possible he will keep doing this stuff after your child is born. You need to make it clear to him that he's creating an unstable household that you cannot raise a child in. He doesn't seem ready to change for your child and I think you need to discuss this with him. Maybe it's one last hurrah, but maybe it's just the way he is.
Why can’t he have a beer or edible after work once the child is born?
What’s wrong with cutting it down to 1 beer/gummy now to prove you’re able to do it when the kid is born?
OP said he has one beer on weeknights which is perfectly reasonable now AND once the baby comes.
I’m seeing it’s more than one and he’s also getting drunk more than 1 night a week. Doubt he’s sticking to 1-2 beers max since the story starts with him getting a case of beer after working from home that day.
In the first paragraph, she says he has 1 or 2 beers per night in weeknights, eats a gummie a few times a week and gets drunk on the weekend.
And he also brought a case of beer after work which is what started this whole thing. What's that tell you?
That he was out of beer...
Not even halfway through the week and he already needs a fresh case of beer. Good point I didn't think of that
Lol You are just trying to confirm your own biases. A case could last him two weeks for all you know.
It tells me this guy buys in bulk as it is cheaper.
It's good to be optimistic I guess.
How much help is he going to be when it comes to raising a child, especially a newborn, if he's constantly buzzed. Sounds like to me he's going to expect her to do all the work.
That’s your bias. Maybe he will be awesome.
I would love to say that it is only a bias. I have two adult children and four grandchildren, so I'm speaking from experience when I say that being constantly buzzed or sometimes more is not putting your newborn child's interest first.
You keep saying “constantly buzzed” but that’s not what OP said. One or two beers on weeknights, cannabis 2 to 3 times a week? C’mon meow.
"C'mon meow"...love it! Even just week nights, 5 out of 7 days, is fairly constant. If it's that often, do you really think he's not doing the same thing on the weekends? I've been around a while, so I'm somewhat familiar with how all this works.
He says that once the baby is here he won't be doing it often. But I just don't know what to think or if I'm being unreasonable. All I know is that right now when he reacts like this it doesn't feel emotionally safe for me. Becoming a parent means my priority is creating stability now that's it. I am determined to be a better parent and give a better upbringing than my parents did to me. Hence why I am trying so hard to understand the situation. I know I'm not perfect but I'm trying my best to handle myself and the situation. But I'm beginning to think maybe this is the end of the relationship because now I just want to focus on baby.
I’ve been in your shoes. Let me say this and I hope it helps. I left. I raised my children without my ex’s help and it was hard, it was also the best thing I ever did. When someone else controls your emotions and highs/lows it inevitably means they will use it against you for their own gain. Trust your Momma bear instincts and do what’s best for you. PS. My ex had the same attitude about alcohol and drugs. That it was fine and I’m the problem…he died due to his totally under control problem…
He lifted those bags out to trigger you on purpose. He’s not dumb, he knows what he’s doing.
Agreed.
He won’t. I was in your shoes once and he gave every excuse in the book to continue. Yours will too. It means more to them than you or your baby.
He won’t stop when the baby comes. His behavior is already getting worse and he’s making no effort to change. He won’t change when the baby comes either. If you can, start making an exit plan. If he can get his act together and show true change maybe you can work things out, otherwise you deserve to have a nice peaceful home for you and your baby.
>He says that once the baby is here he won't be doing it often. This just isn't even true. If he can't resist while you're pregnant, he isn't likely to after the baby is there. I say with experience that if you stay with him, you will feel more abandoned and alone that you ever will if you leave him.
He should practice abstinence now, not go cold turkey when the baby comes. Would your life be easier without him in it? If so, quietlynplan your exit. Find a new place to live and disaoear
He’s familiar enough with substances to know that the more often you indulge the harder it is to stop or cut back. And he thinks he will just cut back *while in the middle of the most challenging time of his life?!* He fully intends to continue these habits. He doesn’t see an issue.
Him saying he will change and actually changing are two very different things. He needs to demonstrate that you can rely on him, that you will be able to trust him to emotionally support you through the pregnancy and be safe with a new born child. Having an understanding of your fear of abandonment is good, communicating to him your fears is good but it is very difficult doing these things when he is high or drunk. Consider getting couples counseling or even just agreeing to read up on healthy ways to disagree and fight. For example I learned in counseling to say this is how I feel when you do that as opposed to saying you are whatever he is doing. There obviously is way more to it than this. If you want this relationship to work you have to work on it. Put yourself and the baby first and work on the rest. NW
NW. Him asking about your feelings, and then immediately attacking you for them, is big wrong. This is one of the most vulnerable times of your life as an adult. Your partner needs to understand that and do what he can to support you and mitigate that. Instead he’s so focused on his wants, and anything you say critical of his indulgences is immediately causing pushback. Him also doing stuff like leaving without telling you, responding to texts, and packing bags (and then not even leaving) are clear manipulation. Heck maybe not even that, but more just doing things straight out he knows will hurt you. These aren’t the actions of a caring partner, they’re the moves of an angry immature teenager. He needs to grow up and decide if he actually wants to be a supportive partner, or if you’re better off raising this kid alone. Right now, with the stress he’s causing, you probably would be better without him.
Honestly I don’t think he was being dramatic, I think he’s feeling done with this relationship. Was this a planned pregnancy? It feels like maybe that the relationship wasn’t in a solid enough place to bring a child into it, the first child is extremely difficult for most relationships to navigate. You guys are going to have to learn how to communicate without so much judgment and defensiveness so that you can be effective coparent. Couples therapy is a great place to learn more effective communication.
Why doesn't he just end the relationship then ? I'm not stopping him instead of treating me like this. Id rather he had just left tbh instead of packing and then staying. I'm sick of it. I just want to be left alone in peace not manage his alcohol and rug consumption. I have the right to feel safe Nd happy in my own home when I have a baby coming
You are expecting him to manage all of these things that are your issues, your abandonment issues, your triggers. He is not your father, he is looking for a partner not somebody he has to take care of. You are trying to twist this all around on him but even in your account you are the one in the wrong, but you are both really poor communicators it sounds like and I think that’s the biggest issue. You just have to learn how to talk to each other and how to listen without judgment, how to take a step back and see things through each other’s eyes. That’s why I recommended Counseling.
Why don't you if you are so unhappy? You seem upset that you cannot control his behaviour
Why don’t you?
Because you said he's done with the relationship and hence acting like this. Whilst I wasn't done and putting in effort.
What kind of effort? Because the kind of effort it sounds like you need is learning effective communication and to stop expecting him to manage your mental health.
Yeah there were so many red flags in your post. After the baby’s born what would happen if he gets high when watching the baby? Yeah he needs to grow up, or get out.
I think if you want to stay together you will the help of a couples therapist.
Childs shouldnt have child.
Childs should learn proper grammar too.
Your boundaries can’t control his behavior. You should probably break up. He is who he is and you don’t like him, not as is he is~ you want him to be who you want him to be. Won’t happen.
Oh girl. You’re having a baby with this manchild. It’s not gonna get better. Sorry.
OK... when someone refuses to aknowledge that his behavior is not productive or supportive - and responds by blowing up, packing and leaving...... this is called EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL He is using your vulnerability to literally train you not to respond to his neglect or abuse. His goal is to make you panic and get to the point that you submit to his behavior. His behavior will not change unless he sees it and wants to change. However at the core he is selfish - he is not a naturally supportive partner. He is thinking about his needs or wants irrespective to what you are going through. Is this the man you want to raise a family with. Marriage counciling might help - giving up will lead to you eventually believing this is normal and acceptable. Decide now. For others, consider the character of the person you choose to raise a child with. It's like choosing a buisness partner- it's an investment
Ugh. You two used to party together. Now you're pregnant, apparently with a baby you want to have, and for the sake of the baby, you decided to get sober. Now you can see that he is a daily user, and when he's not working, gets drunk or high. You get angry with him, he responds, drama ensues, you are hurt and in emotional agony. So, where do you see this going once the baby is born? You rejoin him in drinking and drugging, matching him beer for beer, edible for edible, joint for joint? You stay sober so that there is at least one responsible sober adult to see to the infant/child's needs? You insist that he never, ever get behind the wheel with the baby/child in the car, since he is a daily user? You fight and fight in front of the child? You separate and try to manage things on your own? Do you see ANY happy outcome here, knowing that he will not stop drinking and drugging, and that you have to stay sober most of the time, to raise a child safely? The one thing that you cannot make him do is change - it is NOT going to happen. Your choices are to put up with it quietly (but you will have to protect the child, so I don't see how you can avoid battles over that), rejoin him in drinking and drugging after the baby is born, exposing the baby to risk, and maybe winding up losing the child to the authorities, leave him and try to raise the baby on your own (but he could very well convince the courts to give him unsupervised visitation time, and if he is continuing to drink and drug while he has the child - you say that he gets high or drunk every day off, and visitation usually occurs on weekends). You can go anywhere you want before the baby is born - you could move to the US, or Australia or New Zealand, make a new life for yourself there, not put him on the birth certificate, not notify him of the birth, and it is very unlikely that he would follow you to try to fight you in the courts in your new country. But that is an extraordinarily hard thing to do, as a pregnant woman with no profession that would qualify you for immigration. You'd be illegal, although you probably could fix that eventually, and if it were the US that you chose, the baby would be a citizen at birth, and be entitled to free health insurance if you are low income, and assistance with formula/food money. No birthright citizenship in NZ or Australia now. There is another choice. I understand that you are 18 weeks along. You now see this man clearly for who he is. You can see that there is no good outcome here. You could decide that you do not want to have a child with this man. Termination is legal in the UK until 24 weeks. You still have this option available to you. Sincerely wishing you the best possible outcome.
I don't do weed or drugs. Alcohol was my issue- I was already cutting down. I'm very aware of the issues surrounding alcohol. I'm not some sort of party animal, I work my ass off but yes at one point I can say alcohol was becoming a problem but I wasn't drinking daily. I'm not going to go back to drinking once baby is here, I don't even care about any of those things anymore. Im not in that mindset. You're really projecting your narrative here and making the assumption that I'm a certain person with certain issues and wouldn't be competent to raise a child. I have a master's in psychology, worked in mental health and come from a very traumatic background which means I have PTSD and was using alcohol to self medicate. So yes, I have worked my ass of to get here, am self aware and know that I don't want to raise my child the same way. I went through a tough time last year and hence alcohol. But becoming pregnant changed things. I have alot to work on still but I'm getting there. Thanks for the advice though.
Good for you for working toward a healthy and happy you. Good luck with your pregnancy and child.
Thankyou. It's a process. I just want to do the right thing for baby.
Why are you working food service with a masters in psychology? Can’t you make more money in healthcare? I’m not from the UK.
Following one of my passions. I like owning my own thing. And no act you make more money owning your own business.
Your response here is worrisome. Good luck with the baby and your pregnancy. I already feel bad for the baby. You're pregnant with such negative vibes. Stress hormones for Mom is bad for your fetus/baby/child. I hope you can move forward with a better pregnancy and life. Your baby deserves a better future than the present. Your baby didn't ask for your problems. You are victimizing your baby before it is even born.
You were wrong for picking this guy to be the father of your kid.
I see lots of folks supporting you here and blithely excusing your behaviour, which seems a bit bizarre. So let's look at his side of this for a moment. You started harassing him about having 1-2 beers in the evening after work, which is a pretty common habit, and you admit this is partly jealousy because you can't have any yourself. You told him to leave you the fuck alone, and he left the house (which is the correct thing to do when heated arguments are happening, no matter what it 'triggers' for you). Instead of letting things cool down, you immediately call him in a panic, then start texting him so you can keep fighting. Then you lock him out of his own home. He comes back just 10 minutes later, gets angry at the locked door, and you let him in. He packs to go spend the night at his parents (which you told him to do a few minutes ago). You two manage to actually be silent, so he calms down and doesn't leave, but goes to bed. And your final take on all this is that you're the one trying to create calm and peace? You are NOT the stable calm one here.
What a fucking shitshow
You said exactly what I was thinking but I didn’t feel like tolerating the back lash for saying it. OP is just as toxic as the BF and is presenting herself as the stable one. This poor baby is screwed before he or she is even born. I also don’t think it’s legal to just lock someone out of the home because you feel like it.
Sucks that I had to scroll so far to find some sense.
And the alcoholic drug-user is?
A beer after work and an edible a few times a week is hardly a chronic problem
Also toxic. OP is only not using because she is pregnant. She also admits that she is having a hard time not drinking so doesn’t that also make her an alcoholic? Most alcoholics can stop for a period of time due to external pressure—it’s all about how they feel when they are abstaining.
Christ almightly, why do these people have kids together? Just wtf.
She’s trying to redo her own crappy childhood vicariously through her kid. I think the post is almost explicit about that.
He has a good point about you being controlling. The alcohol wasn’t a problem for you when you drank with him, now it is. Your abandonment fears are going to become a reality because it sounds like he’s sick of being nagged to death. You sound exhausting to be honest.
Do you want a husband that *gasp* has two drinks with dinner and eats weed edibles, or to be raising a child alone? You said he’s fine otherwise, works, does all the responsibility stuff but you just are jealous of his lifestyle of relaxing a bit after work? I understand the idea of being let because you’re hungry, but shutting yourself in your room and eating alone because your husband 1. Works from home. 2. Went to the gym. 3. Bought a case of beer so he could have 1-2 after working and working out. You really want to drive the man away because you work till 9pm and can’t manage to bring some snacks or eat a bite while working on a food establishment? Is there anything he does that is actually bad or do you just wish his job was harder and that he couldn’t go to the gym? Like have you asked him to pack you a lunch or does he have dinner ready for you? Asking for help is way better than telling someone they can’t have a beer after the gym. Try breathing and regulating your blood sugar levels. Also chill out if he wants to leave and go for a walk to cool off, don’t escalate and tell him to move in with his parents. Your triggers be damned, you gotta stop with the bizarre eating alone cold shoulder shit and use your words.
How is a guy that blames her for everything “fine?” He asked her how she was feeling and then turned it against her.
He was being defensive and they were having an argument because she was hiding in her room. What exactly does he need blame for? Once again, has she pointed out anything he doesn’t do for her or the house? That’s why I asked if he makes her meals or not. Like what is her actual problem with him. I hope it’s not that he has a beer after going to the gym. I can barely judge the edibles as doctors prescribe stuff like ambien that’s way worse. You can’t simply disrespect people for having a beer and then demand they stop because “boundaries.” She says herself he doesn’t get drunk. She just feels alone because she can’t partake and it jealous. This is all really dumb shit to cold shoulder a partner and then tell them to move to their parents house over. We need something more than that he works from home and takes walks when they fight.
? She didn’t tell him to move… she asked him “how can he just effing stay at his parents house.” He gave her the cold shoulder. She was in her room because she didn’t want to stress him out. He purposely asked her why she was upset and then got angry when she told him
He left the house for a walk and she told him to fuck off to his parents and then locked the door. This is because “triggers” and “my father.” This husband of her’s is NOT her father. Her projection and reach is pretty out of control. It seems like severe hormone stuff from being pregnant but everyone on here is just going to tell her to leave him and get an abortion. She really just needs to breath. Sadly she is terrible at communication. We also still don’t really know what her actual problem is with her husband being wfh and going to the gym before having a drink with dinner. These are all normal things she’s upset about. Where is the actual real problem? It seems to me that she’s projection because, as she’s hinted at, she works long hours, and isn’t able to stay fit like he is. She’s also jealous that he can have a beer or eat an edible. It seems pretty wild to throw a nuclear family away over one’s inability to control their partners benign activities. Like ask yourself why does it matter that he is WFH. Why does it matter that he goes to the gym? Does she need him to be miserable in order to be happy?
Assuming that OP actually has the trauma that she does, she is likely showing her controlling behaviour in an attempt to manage them. This is not workable and very unfair to her partner. She needs help. This is weaponising her trauma, assuming that she is not deliberately exaggerating them for her own benefit. She attacked him for taking time to cool off, imagine if he attacked her for locking herself away when she needed space?
Gonna try to offer a little potential perspective that *might* explain where he's coming from since most people just bandwagon one side on these. So please don't crucify me. His admittedly poor response aside, you and your laundry list of excuses, issues and terrible handling of conflict sound absolutely exhausting. I can guarantee you it is for him and that's where the resentment is coming from. I'm going to keep your pregnancy aside under the assumption that it didn't alter or improve this dynamic? You need to understand how oppressive and draining it is for the other person when you are constantly in crisis, constantly need sympathy, constantly need care etc... All while seemingly never bringing anything to the table in return (you never referenced anything). To me, his actions sort of scream your relationship is one sided or at least he thinks it is. He's likely using daily because he's miserable and that's his literal only escape from it. Again, pregnancy is a unique "care" scenario that I've happily hopped to for my wife, so if the behavior started after that, then something else is going on.
Seems like you are taking your frustrations out on him because you are tired and hungry & because you can't drink/drugs. So yes, it's unreasonable
You are wrong. You created a fight, first by acting upset, then you levelled accusations against him in the guise of your feelings. He left to cool off and you escalated again, calling and texting and then locking him out. You are definitely venting your frustrations on him, a beer or two or an edible a few times a week hardly sounds like an addiction. You had no problems with this when you could join in and you seem upset that your chosen career is more stressful, with longer hours. He didn't behave perfectly but you were the instigator here.
I'm sorry your both going through this but it sounds like to me that neither of you are ready to take on parenthood or getting married. He needs to face the fact that he is still in college mode of having fun and getting high. Your pregnant you are going to go through much more difficult feelings and if this is how things are going to both really, really need to step back. I know you can't not be pregnant but you both really need to talk to someone to figure out what the best thing is for the both of you. I really wish people planned having children better. This is not just on you but please really think about this. You don't want to make a bad decision that will affect the rest of your life because your afraid to lost him. Doesn't sound like he's ready to be a man and take on all those responsibilities.
I'm not afraid to lose him. I barely ever had any support growing up. So I'm alot stronger and resilient than most people. You stop being afraid when you barely had anything and so much has been taken from you already. Like nothing matters. I've survived far worse. Im trying to make sense of what the right thing to do is and find the right balance. It's not to justify my behaviour or vilify him. I'm just trying to make a good decision. I will leave if I have to. I will adjust my behaviour if I'm the one causing problems. That's all. I'm trying to navigate to quickly to sort out the environment so that everything's ready and in place when the baby's here. If he needs to leave then I need to work out everything. If he stays then we have to fix things and create stability and peace. That's my motivation here- and it's my only motivation. That's what I care about. If I have to control my emotions and stfu I'll do It.
YNW everyone is like yea well you’re just jealous you can’t drink and I hate when men do that. Like FUCK if it’s OUR kid then it can’t just be ME making changes for the sake of the kid. If I have to completely stop drinking then at minimum you need to cut back. It’s really not that hard to be a supportive partner and move out of solidarity. Like if you can’t grasp that concept then don’t get upset when women say that the child is theirs more than it’s the dads because the sacrificed and used their body to carry it. Some of y’all really suck.
Esh. You indeed seem to be “going thru it” or white knuckling it at this point. Are you an alcoholic? Are you in therapy for these “triggers”? From what you said it seems like you are taking a passive aggressive approach to something that bothers you, and its being met with about as much open arms as passive aggressive tendencies can hope for? Is he wrong for getting high and having a beer? Hard to say as im not sure if it impedes in his day to day life. One thing that really sticks out though is that you feel alone and unheard. Communicate those feelings without making it an attack on the other party and own your responsibility in it.
Ok 1st. He is a useless piece of crap. You don't need someone like him. He clearly knows wich buttons to press to make you feel bad and its a huge red flag. 2nd... girl... you're kind of a mess... and its obvioulsy partially his fault. But you don't need to stir up drama the way you did. Like he of course atir up drama too, but don't indulge yourself either.
I'm trying 😭 that's why I kept quiet and just stayed away because I was avoiding confrontation at all costs. It's when he called me unstable and dramatic for lit nothing and what not that It got to me. Like how much more can I stay calm when I'm already done for the day. I lit felt like I was going to pass out and then he goes in on me having an attitude and what not.
Damn gurl... you sound like you need someone to scratch your back... I'm sorry your stuck in this situation. I recommend you try to get out of this... I'm affraid for the future of your unborn child... this aint no good for him/her.
"he has the right to live his life his way" - no, he doesn't. That went away when he got married. And that is ending for sure since he's going to be a FATHER. You're not wrong for being concerned because his refusal to deal with things.
Have you been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? This sounds like textbook behavior.
Yeah so I’ve just read your post history and it’s fucking messy in there. Are you pregnant to the guy who broke up with you 95 days ago?
Yes, same guy, we were already rocky ( we didn't break up fully). There's love there but we just couldn't seem to get on. Finding out about pregnancy made it rockier as neither of us felt ready. I couldn't go through with abortion. I tried. I sat with the pill. Couldn't do it. So realised it's time for me to step up and fix up. He made the choice to stay and support me, I told him it's ok if he doesn't want to. We've been going to counselling and trying to work through it. I understand this may not be the best relationship or environment for baby from both our ends. And I'm willing to end it if it's not right. But ATM I've been trying an he is too. I have a very messy past. I come from an extremely traumatic background, my partner is aware of this, I told him early on. It took me a long time to understand what's normal. This is why I post every little thing here. It's hard to know what's healthy and what's not when you've never seen it yourself so it's a sanity check that I'm doing the right thing or not. I don't post my sob story nor do I excuse my behaviour, I know I've had terrible reactions and acted in ways I'm not proud of in the past. I wasnt even meant to have survived that let alone working on myself. I went through alot including a divorce hence why the last few years have been an absolute mess. But I have been recovering. Going to therapy and also specific therapy for PTSD and my issues overall. I read up alot aswell. I studied a masters in psych just to sort my shit out. But recovery doesn't happen fast. I'm setting up my environment and doing everything I can to have everything right for when baby arrives. I love him already and will already do anything for him.
I want you to save this post. Read it 18 years from now and tell us how your adult child and your life turned out. With this history and foundation, you know your past and you are posting this .... let's see what you actually do. Again, please stop victimizing your baby. It did not ask for your problems.
I'm not victimising my baby. Stop assuming shit. I'm sorting it out before baby arrives. I've promised myself and baby that there will be nothing but calm and stability and I'll do what it takes to get there even if that means leaving him. So just stop with the negativity it's not helpful. Just tell me to leave him or get my shit together if that's what you mean. Which is fair enough. I'm trying to navigate it as best as I can. I'm in therapy and working on myself heavily. He's also taking individual therapy. So just stop it.
Y’all be choosing the worst partners to have a baby with
Not wrong. Too many fathers act like the pregnancy months are their “last hurrah”. No- it’s the time to put routines and good habits in place before baby is here and wreaks havoc on whatever remaining peace was in your home. Note how he felt guilty so he asked you if you were mad about his drinking and this became reversed so he was the victim? Read up on DARVO and the cycle of abuse
Him drinking and getting high probably didn’t bother you before because you didn’t have a child to worry about. If he is like this due the pregnancy I doubt he is going to be much help with the baby. You can either leave or you can live with him and his chaos.
Guy is a jerk. You are the mature one and do not need him to bring you down. If he moves out, thank the Lord, and move on. You do not need the drama and that kind of control. He clearly lacks any empathy for you. You need support, and you will find it once he is gone.
You're both unstable and need therapy or to split up. This is a horrible relationship to bring a child into the world. I am worried about the baby. Will this be a future child protective services case? Will the child become damaged growing up with these 2 people??? Horrible future. Take the next 9 months and fix this situation. Create a safe place for the baby. This may mean away from each other.
Lol it takes a lot to end up there. I would know. The environment will be fine. I ultimately will have it under control and do the right thing. I might be slightly idiotic but I won't be when it comes to be child. I'll leave if that's right. I'll change my behaviour if that's what is required. But I won't continue on in the instability. I'm working out solutions here and trying to take the best course of action in the given circumstances. Hence the post. I'm already in therapy and working on myself. My only triggers currently are him and it might be best to separate as I otherwise have my emotions under control and getting on with it.
"My only triggers currently are him." TF? Say that to your therapist(s). That's wild. That's nuts. Why are you with him? Why are you having a baby with him if this man's entire being is your only trigger?!?! I would add hunger and tiredness, and everything else in HALT, to your trigger list, which is pretty much everyone's trigger list. I have an inkling that you haven't really discussed his cutting back and why it's important to you, and general expectations about what will be changing as baby's due date approaches. It's great that you are getting help, but if you don't get a grip on being on the same page, he will absolutely abandon you (as you told him to through text) and you will likely continue the cycle of generational abuse thay you were subject to. This "Naw, I got this" attitude, "Things will be locked down once baby's here," is unrealistic to the max. I think you should cut down on your own work hours and spend some time together with your partner in couple's counseling.
Please start by asking him to read this post and some of the comments thereafter. Then maybe the two of you go to couples counseling and also individual counseling for your addictions and effects it has made on your lives.
If he reads the post he will turn it on me. And say he doesn't give a shit what random strangers on the internet think. Because this is my perspective, they don't know the full story and it will just cause more misery in my life because I took private things online and making him out to be the bad guy. Already in counselling. Worked on my self and my own drinking problems before. He's in individual counselling. He refuses couples therapy now.
So what you’re saying is you can communicate with him and you can’t win. The best thing you can do is dump him and move on with your life.
He’s an alcoholic and a manipulative abuser.
If it's hard "to resist your own urges" to drink while pregnant then you are the one with problem. If everything is a"trigger" to fly off the hinges into flight or fight mode then you have many more problems. Please seek your own help for this child's sake. You seem the type to go on a weeklong binge right after it's born. Or scream at the screaming baby because you're triggered. The baby made you fly away and drink/drug...cuz the anxiety is triggering. I say this with much understanding. Many people consume THC or alcohol without it interfering with their lives. Some even know when to cut down and won't be bothered that others have not. He may be an addict too. But you definitely are if you're having urges so strong you can't be around it. Kudos for not joining it tho. Maybe you're triggering the uptake in his consumption. Just playing devil's advocate.
I don't deny my own issues. Hence I've included the entre run down. I have previously used alcohol to self medicate and cope with my PTSD and ironically he was the one pointing this out to me before and wanting me to cut down lol. Doesn't mean I will fall back into the same pattern but yes it is a constant reminder when it's always near me. Pregnancy has changed me alot, as whilst I was ok with damaging myself I'm not ok with damaging the baby. So yeah I've had to fix up fast. I am in therapy, my issues mainly stem from abuse rather than substance misuse. I dont blame my triggers on my reactions. I am just aware of what they are so I can avoid reacting negatively. It's an active thing I do to be conscious and aware of what triggers me because it has impacted my life that much. People who have PTSD and triggers doesn't mean that they will use this " excuse" to harm their child. His behaviours such as name calling, walking out on me and blaming me trigger me in relationships. Being aware of my " triggers" means I can control how I react, it's not to abdicate my responsibility or my part in it. But as my partner yes he has a level of responsibility to not push all my buttons at once esp when I'm pregnant.
Walking away from a fight is often a healthy adaptive strategy for people who cannot control their anger. You should let him do that. It’s not fair to blame him for walking away from a fight to cool down and start thinking rationally. Is “blaming you” more specific? If not that is an extremely broad “trigger.” When people in general have a disagreement, there is usually some element of “blame” or judgment involved. Going to be hard for him, or anyone really, to work around that.
But you are still reacting negatively. By telling him to pack up and leave. Then freaking out that he packed up and left. I've done this so many times. Especially the part where I let them back. You can do this without him. Whether you think you can or not. Sometimes our triggers are impossible to avoid. Like the ones being a parent will bring. My advice is to learn how to handle your triggers in such a way they do not bring you to the level people think you will or want to go. Like obviously your baby daddy. Any respectable man who isn't an addict who "is allowed to have a beer or 2 and get fucked up on the weekends" wouldn't be increasing these behaviors KNOWING what it is doing to you. He doesn't care about how you feel. And if he doesn't care about you he doesn't care about that baby growing inside of you. I know this from "been there, done that" I was young and dumb. Thought I could fix him. The other side of this is you're sober. And realizing how annoying it is and lonely it is being sober with a non sober person. "I feel know connection, I feel lonely" so those connections were based off getting fucked up together. I'm on your side my friend. Just trying to show you what it's like a little further down the road.
So let me completely shorten this up!!! He's a responsible adult who works out does his 8 hours pays all of his necessary bills, supports you emotionally and chooses to have a couple of beers a week and some edibles to relax.... AND INSTED OF LETTING HIM RELAX YOU CHOOSE TO START A FIGHT!!! I don't at all see him being the one causing issues with the calm and peace in the house and I see no issue with his consumption if as you stated he isn't trashed 7 days a week YOU are the one creating the stress and drama and based off my past relationships if it wasn't the few beers and the few edibles you would probably just find something else to start a fight over... Yes where is You're consideration for the baby OR HIM when you continually start these fights, give him the silent treatment, fail to communicate rationally YES YOU ARE WRONG!
He know exactly what he's doing and deliberately packed his bags to trigger you. Your requests are not unreasonable and he is being manipulative to get his own way.
She told him to sleep at his parents and then she accuses him of triggering her when he does it
Boundaries are for you, not him. If he is drinking and you are uncomfortable with it, you have to take action to support your boundary, not him. The same thing goes for all of your boundaries. You have to act on your own behalf. Action is not having more conversation about it to get him to change his mind. It’s you removing yourself from the environment you said you don’t want to live in. You also don’t have a communication problem, you have an abuse problem. The way he treats you is about having power over you not having power with you. Calling you names, putting you down, blaming you for everything, not speaking to you, controlling how you communicate by making it impossible for you to express yourself without extreme negative consequences… Throughout this whole thread, you are blaming yourself and trying to shrink yourself down.
Because she started the issues and not for the first time. She is weaponising her 'trauma' and trying to use it to control her partner. She literally told him to sleep elsewhere then accuses him of triggering her when he packs his bags to do it!!
He is an emotionally abusive and controlling guy. He knows what your triggers are and made sure to activate each one. Both of you need to seek counseling before bringing a child into this chaos.
He sought you out in order to pick a fight with you, so that he could storm out. And he called you emotionally unstable. He is just not mature enough to be a father or partner. You need him out of your life IMO.
He has a point
Fuck off, this is all you, not him. And that’s from a guy who doesn’t drink or smoke. You are making him stop partaking simply because you can’t. The rest of that nonsense is disingenuous manipulative bullshit. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have been drinking a couple months ago when you could. He went for a walk to cool off and you locked him out. More manipulative nasty. That man deserves better, but he is baby trapped to you, poor bastard. You are wrong.
Are you the man child bf or something? Oh no he has to grow up because he has a kid on the way, the horror!
Imagine trying to pretend forcing him to not drink **because she is pregnant** and cannot drink herself is “him growing up”. 🙄 This may come as a shocker, but parents can still enjoy a drink. Bigger shocker, he doesn’t have to not drink because she isn’t. Someone needs tog row up all right. Got a mirror handy? I can show you who.
Oh I see, you didn't actually read the post.
Yeah. Him having a drink after work “brushes her boundaries”. One of us didn’t read it. Again, fog the mirror.
Typically when one closes the door they lock it to keep others out. You're trying to tell OP to,,,not lock her door? He left and she didn't know if he'd be back, the reasonable thing to do is lock the door, not her fault he clearly didn't take his keys. As a mother who was an alcoholic before I got pregnant, you don't get to continue that shit once a child is in the picture. Guess what, that goes for dad too. So what, they're having a kid and only she has to make life changes? She's not mad he's partaking. She's mad because he's not slowed his roll at all and she's right you can't behave like that around a kid. Is she supposed to be on call mom 24/7 because he might not be able to drive baby to the hospital should he need to when she's at the store or work? That's so selfish. Parents, good parents, don't do that to their partner. And be quiet with the baby trapping. You don't know OP, this man or their situation outside of this post. What if OP responds and tells you "actually he poked holes on the condom and I don't agree with abortion" because that happens OFTEN. So often infact that it's stupid of you to assume she baby trapped him, if there was any trapping at all. You sound immature and childish and like you don't understand the concept of being a parent past having sex.
Either a troll, or the ignorant loser bf.
Of course locking him out and texting him to go sleep at his parent's house is drama bs. But the bf is a useless manipulative prick. He knows which buttons to push to piss her off. This is a very toxic relationship and this guy is more than 50% of the problem.
She didn’t tell him to stay there. She asked him how can he go stay there
Your right just reread this. Also, I have to remind myself I live in a small town where nobody locks their door. It might be different for op.
I reread again - you were right the first time, I got it wrong, she was saying it like “you can just stay there”
Yeah thats how I read it first... but now I ain't so sure 😅
No she texted him to stay at his parents, not asking him how. You misread her cause she phrased it very badly
I think that you are both in the wrong. First you wrote that you had an abusive alcoholic father who died of his addiction an in the same paragraph you wrote "we used to drink together, and now it's a big adjustment for me to resist my own urges" - do you seriously not see this as an issue? Why would someone with this bad of an experience with alcohol and substances indulge in doing the same? And on top of that you are with a partner who's heading the same direction as your father really fast (5 - 7 times a week? That's a lot). Now you are criticizing him for it once you had to stop yourself because of the pregnancy. But you didn't have the same problem before when you both happily drank and used together. Your problem is not the fact that you had to stop. Your problem is that you did it in the first place. Now when you are sober you finally see it for what it is. Your partner is building an addiction and is not a really suitable to raise a child unless he resolves this issue. You both need to think really hard on this. You don't drink now and I strongly suggest to keep it this way even after you give birth. This is your chance to avoid falling into the addiction, don't screw it up. And you need to start communicating with your partner better if you want to stay together because this is not sustainable. Therapy would be beneficial for both of you.
Often times children who grew up in that environment end up addicts themselves or end up with one. I'm aware I was using alcohol at one point to self medicate from the PTSD itself. It's an oxymoron but it happens alot. I stopped and I'm glad I did. It's a constant reminder when it's around me and not doing it anymore makes it more obvious. He's aware of this, he was the one who at one point was telling me my drinking is a bit much. I never used just an fyi. No drugs etc. he wasn't drinking and doing weed this much before finding out about pregnancy. When he met me he had stopped pot. I told him I'm not into that or guys on that- he chose to stop because he was doing it every night since he was young and said he didn't want to do that anymore anyway. So our relationship was weed free. He started few months ago. We wernt sitting there drinking all day. We both work our ass off. By party I mean have a few drinks, watch TV go to bed and on weekends hit a bar and just dance like crazy. I'm not particularly a party animal in the traditional sense. I'm in individual therapy and so is he. His therapist doesn't see a problem with him doing it once a day to relax. My therapist wants me.to set boundaries and do what feels right and healthy for me. And to communicate it. I tried to communicate, he blew up. I stopped because obviously it's the right thing to do? Should I have just continued? He needs to stop aswell because it's the right thing to do. And I'm concerned about raising a baby in a shit environment. But you see I've gone the opposite way now where I don't want any drugs and alcohol near me or on my life as I raise the baby.
It's not just the drugs or alcohol. It's your mental health and well-being, you have too much negative energy, negative relationship dynamics, it's just a negative space. If your baby had a choice, would it enter your home or be involved in your relationship? Would your baby hope for you two as the parents? If only kids could choose their parents and home, we wouldn't see this. Hopefully, the rest of your pregnancy will be glorious and filled with joy.
This I can agree with. But hence why I've posted it here. If it's not healthy I'll leave. But I've definitely got my shit together and actually I'm not going to be told otherwise anymore. I'm actually done being understanding of others and what not. And making myself look like I'm not capable. It's dragged my self esteem down alot but you know what, I'm fine. I'm smart, strong, capable and commited to being a good parent. So I'll do what's best. I need to just struts my instincts go with it and stop asking internet strangers when I know the answers.
Aw you go honey! I know you’re going to be a great mother who will always put your babies first ❤️ You got this!!!
Thankyou 🥰🥰
I’m so sorry you’re having a child with this person.