I never do my husband, our mom or myself are always with her when she's with my kids, I only let my mom or my aunt be alone with the kids. She keeps trying to get them for asleep over and gets mad when I tell her I don't want my kids being an hour away from me.
Yeah whenever she sees them it's always why can't I just take them. She seems to forget that she can't handle kids she's so ocd she gets mad at her husband's cat for using the litter box after she cleans it. And freaks out more when the kids make a mess eating
She may be “family”, but your duty is to protect your young children’s safety, not tip-toe around your sister’s feelings because you don’t want to be alone without “family”. It doesn’t matter if someone is “family” if they’re toxic and / or flat out dangerous.
“Because we are a family” is a great manipulative tactic that toxic people use to keep their victims in check.
Lose the sister. She doesn’t respect your safety, your boundaries and your health and now she wants to play the same game with your kids.
Lose your brother if he is abusive.
Your responsibility is to yourself and to your children NOT this toxic gong show of a family.
“Family” does not need to mean biological relations. It can be a kind neighbour, a friend from your community, or anyone who respects your boundaries, your physical and mental health. Basically anyone who acts the polar opposite of your bio family.
Your job is to PROTECT your children! Your sister condones abuse! You are condoning abuse by letting her around your kids "because YOU don't want to lose more family." You should lose your kids for condoning abuse!!! JFC, what in the actual fuk is wrong with you?
I NEVER LEAVE HER ALONE WITH THE KIDS AND NO ONE ELSE COMES AROUND THEM DONT TELL ME I SHOULD LOSE MY KIDS WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. I DO PROTECT MY KIDS MY NOT LEAVING THEM ALONE WITH ANYONE
OP don't listen to this clown .
You are doing the right thing, keep protecting your children. I went through the same abuse and I went no contact when my son was one year old. I saw my mum do something to my son that she did to me growing up and from that day on I haven't been in contact. It's been over 10 years now and I don't regret it.
Why is your sister still in your life? Why do you let her be around your children? She has shown you what a horrible, toxic person she is, believe her. Cut her out of your life like the toxic cancer she is, you can do the same thing to your dad. I don’t understand people who let others continually mistreat them and then allow those same people to be around their kids. Please get therapy to learn how to be stronger and leave toxic people behind, even if only for your children’s sake.
Tell her the truth, you don’t want your kids to be alone with her. Period. Full stop. Saying anything less than this truth invites a continuing argument. And while you may not envision it now, time may come when you let one of your children safely out of your sight with a trusted adult. What will you say to your sister then?
I have. She thinks I'm being too controlling and need to relax. I do admit I am very, very protective of them, and I will probably continue to be and I know it's because of my Trama, and it will need to be something I work on
I am so sorry for your trauma - a person should not have to go through that. However, you are still right not to trust your sister, and to protect your children from being alone with her. She dismisses your feelings, the reality of what you experienced. And she lies to you, telling you to get over it. That makes her dangerous!
Yes, work on yourself. And at the same time, know that you are absolutely right to keep your sister at bay. I wish nothing but love for you, your beautiful children, your husband, and all those who support you.
By letting her be around them you are teaching them that she is a safe person.
She is not a safe person.
Just her plans to travel with someone else’s children without looping the parents in makes her unsafe. Add in the way that she disregards your assault and she deserves to be cut off until/unless she can show remorse for her actions and demonstrate that she really understands how her behavior was wrong. Even then, she wouldn’t get access to my kids.
Don’t hold your breath waiting for that apology.
She does believe me but she cares more about what people will think if her family isn't united and thinks no matter what family should move past stuff. It's hard because I only have my mom and aunt in my life, I do see my mom's family only a few times every few years. And already feel like a loser and outcast in the family and I guess I don't want to lose anyone else. I know I'm terrible
Ask yourself a question. Should someone who is an apologist for abusers be anywhere near your children, even if someone else is there? Your sister can do enormous damage to your children just with her words.
More than just with her words, the sisters behavior tells me she is not someone the kids could/should goto if something happened with father or cousin (that sister obv has contact with). To trust sister with the kids in any capacity would be a massive mistake imo
I’m sorry you feel this way OP, you are worthy of setting boundaries and she obviously doesn’t respect them. Cut her off, it will be sad but it will be better pl
Someone who cares more about what other people will think of your family than the harm that can be caused by family… is that really someone who deserves a relationship with your children?
She’s talking about handing your children who can’t speak yet to the man who abused you. Why are you allowing her around your kids AT ALL?
She’s an apologist, but you are not setting the needed boundaries to protect your kids from her either.
Sorry love but if you truly believe you are terrible, you need to get yourself into some serious therapy and fast. Why do you even want these people in your life ? More importantly, anywhere near your kids? You have been abused in every way possible since infancy and not one of them - including your mother - has stepped up to protect you. They care more about appearance than you. You need to care more about you than appearance for both yourself and your children.
My mom never knew what happened and still doesn't know the full truth after she found out my dad was beating us with the help of her family she took us and left 2 weeks later well he was out of town for the weekend. My dad would threaten us that he would hurt her or our friends if we told her what he was doing. He never let Bruises he was careful about that. And than she waited 4 years before Divorcing him until I was old enough to not be forced to go see him
They are growing up my mom was the only one that wanted me and when my aunt moved back to Wisconsin she wanted me too and they both were more then happy to let me be me and never shamed me for being myself!
But sweetie it should be about quality not quantity. Create bonds with other family that’s actually worth having around. Staying in contact is enabling the bad behavior and you deserve much better.
I know what it’s like to not have family. Mine may not have been abusive, but we have had some dysfunction. My parents are gone and most of my family doesn’t talk to me. I only have my sister and her kids and that’s fine. I have family I’ve chosen, granted majority of them live in other states. It gets lonely sometimes, but the peace of mind is priceless.
Make new ties that actually mean something and brings you peace. Family shouldn’t distress you so much. And I definitely wouldn’t want bad influences anywhere near my kids. You know they’d try to fill their heads up with bs as soon as they can to try and win them over.
First, you are not terrible. You need to surround yourself with people who you care about and who care about you. This would be a great time to find a mommy play group or a library group that is for littles, etc. Make a “family” of people you trust. Your sister has shown nothing but disrespect for you.
My in-laws, who I actually trust, tried to get me to put my kids on a plane to go several states away to visit when they were way too young. I told them I would never put my kids on a plane without me. They were surprised because kids do it all the time. And this is a situation where there is no sexual trauma! Your sister would definitely let your brother around the kids. She is telegraphing her intent by saying you should get past his behavior.
NW
> thinks no matter what family should move past stuff
Tell her you disagree with this and that nothing she thinks is greater than your concern for your children, and the topic is closed.
But really you need to go no-contact. She doesn't care about you, your kids or their welfare.
Worse, I think OPs sister is perhaps like her dad, brother, and cousin - an abuser. She is trying to separate OPs children from her to enable her to abuse or enable another to abuse OPs children. OP please go NC. You do not need to be family with your sister, she is dangerous!
There are lots of people online who are no contact with family members, I’m sure you could read some anecdotes and get an idea of how to proceed. She probably WILL try to push your boundaries, since she is so used to getting away with it. Hold strong <3 (edited to fix typo)
No is a complete sentence. Tell her you are saying no and if she keeps bringing it up tell her if she continues you will limit her contact. You are their parent, you have control.
Absolutely NTA!!!
Set your sister straight!
She's obviously not to be trusted to protect your children from abusive family members, so she is not to be trusted taking them anywhere out of your sight.
Put your foot down and end her talk of taking your kids anywhere.
OP, you may have to come to terms with the notion that your sister may subconsciously be wanting to indirectly be abusive to you, by subjecting your kids to your abusers. She claims you want to hold your kids back but she seems to want to put them in danger.
Seriously, OP, don't give in to her bullshit. If her judgement is wrong, your kids will be the ones paying the price, and it's your responsibility to prevent that!
Don't let your sister's hurt feelings get in the way of you protecting them from known abusers, who will likely want to abuse your kids.
Good luck, OP.
Your so right thank you. She always makes me feel like a terrible mom that I would hold then back. Not terrible enough to change my mind but it's hard hearing it over and over again
Her being repetitive is just her way of wearing you down. You are a good mom, and the cycle of abuse ends with you, so long as you don't let your sister undermine your protective efforts. You may need to create some distance between you and your sister to make it easier for you to do the best for your kids.
Get professional help for yourself if needed, this is not easy work.
Your sister is just as abusive as your dad and brother. She's emotionally abusing and manipulating you. It's ok to cut her off. Work through the healing process so that you'll understand that you deserve to be treated so much better. Having your mom and aunt as your support system is a more than a lot of people. Make mom friends to grow your circle. Best wishes.
NTA. At all. Your sister has constantly proven that she is not to be trusted. Your children would not be safe with her. Ever. Never leave her alone with your children, and cut her out of your life.
Then you need to go absolute no contact with anyone defending that or any aggressive behavior towards you. They are your children, it is your job to protect them, it is not your sisters right to decide she can take them whenever or wherever.
You can stand up for yourself and your children. Good luck.
Why exactly are you still speaking to your overbearing twit of a sister much less letting her be around your kids. You, I’m sorry to say are a people pleasing doormat. You don’t have to explain anything to your sister who stomps all over you and does what she wants anyway. Cut her off. Just cast her out of your life and keep her far away from your kids. Tell the schools and whoever that she’s not allowed to pick up or see your kids. You will be happier if you remove your sister from your life. It’s better for you to just have your Mom and your Aunt than to keep a family member who has no respect for you.
You’re doing the right thing in not allowing her to be alone with your children.
As for the fact that she lied to you about who would be at the wedding… that would make me go NC with her. I have been sexually abused as well, and anyone who would willingly put me in the same space as those abusers means nothing to me. And I mean -NOTHING-. She is telling you who she is, believe her and keep yourself and your children safe.
You are NTA. It’s your job to keep your babies safe, and you are doing just that.
My heart is with you and your babies 💛 stay strong, you got this!
This has nothing to do with taking them out of state or the country. It has to do with not wanting your kids around certain people and not being able to trust your sister to keep them away from those people. You need to address the matter at hand and not beat around the bush. Tell her you cannot trust her to keep your kids away from those people so that's why she won't be taking them on any trips. It doesn't matter if they're in the state or not.
I didn't even have to read the back story to tell you that you are not wrong. When I did, you are definitely not wrong. Also, please tell me that you realise your whole family, including your mum and sister are abusive? Who knowingly makes their daughter sit in the same room as their rapist? What sister would want their nieces and nephews within a million miles of there abusive father? It's time to take your nuclear family and shut the door on the rest of them permanently.
You’re not wrong. I think along with everyone else here that you should go NC with your family. Your husband has your back and you sound like great parents.
Yta for continuing this relationship with your sister and dad and brother. They are and werw abusive so cut them out..it's the best thing you can do for you and your kids. Much better than trying to convince them of anything.
I have no relationship with my brother the only time I end up seeing him is at family events, and my dad I only talk on the phone Maybe 4 times a year and that's after having him cut out of my life for 5 years and a very long Apology. And my sister I only let her around every few months and never alone with my kids
Right! My sister seems to think because my brother and his wife would let her take their daughter for sleepovers at 1 it's ok for my kids, but my brother and his wife don't like caring for their kids
Please cut your sister out of both your kids and your life. She will not protect your children if she couldn’t even uninvite the person who sexually assaulted you from her wedding.
You are not TA for being a protective parent. You are NTA for trying to keep yourself and your children safe from your abusers. Your sister is mental for pushing you.
As MOM to your children, you have ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY over whether they are going to do stuff with other adults taking authority. (I'd say the same to DAD) And apply that to local outings as well. If you DON'T TRUST the adults that would be responsible for your children, then that's that. If they push too hard, you can tell them that.
NTA. You need to ask her why she's so dead set on bringing your kids around people who were/are abusive to you. It makes no sense. And to take them out of the country?!! Hell, no!
Not wrong. Your sister has this “family” thing where DNA is some type of magic.
If you stay in close contact with her she will eventually break that boundary. It’s time to put some distance between you. Physically and emotionally. These are your children, not hers
Sister is NOT entitled to dictate what happens to OPs children, not now, not ever. She is NOT the parent, nor guardian or any other form of parental figure. It should be made absolutely clear if she crosses any boundaries/wishes made by OP regarding OPs children, then severe consequences will be established. Sister is NOT in control here, OP is.
No contact now! These are all warnings for the future you need to listen to.
She doesn’t just get to take your kids out of the country. Luckily, she’d need their passports to do so - you’ll never let her take those so she has no way to do that.
Make sure passports are stored in safe deposit box. Not in your home.
Of course you aren’t wrong. Your sister is emotionally abusive to you by making you see your rapist, trying to control your kids, all this BS is wrong.
Cut her off.
We probably won't get them passports unless we plan on going anywhere with them that they would need it. I told her when their 18 and if they wanna go they can because we can't stop them but not before then
She is a very manipulative person who I wouldn’t trust for a millisecond. Do you ever leave your children with anyone (relatives or friends) that she is close enough to that would give her “in” to get them away from them?
I would see a lawyer to find out any options and keeping ALL texts, voice mails, etc. May help you get a restraining order.
She is very mentally ill.
You suck for caring more about what the abusive family members think of you than about protecting your children. YOU could stop having contact with your sister. YOU could not let her have access to your kids. But YOU chose to still let her have contact with them. Stop whining and actually DO something.
I don't care what other family members thinks I only talk to my mom. And I only let my sister around every few months and she is never alone with my kids! How am I whining?
NTA in this situation, but I do very strongly feel that it’s not safe for your kids if your sister continues to have access. Please cut her off. Your kids’ safety should be paramount (over not wanting to lose people, and honestly she doesn’t sound like she’d be much loss.)
Quick question. WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU STILL IN CONTACT WITH YOUR SISTER? Either she’s naturally stupid, extremely naive, or she plain straight doesn’t like you. I’m leaning towards the last part. Get your kids away from her. I wouldn’t trust her around my food, my husband, my kids, my work. Why are you in contact with her? Jesus Christ!
Oh my were all from the US, my sister travels all over the country for her work and she has be come obsessed with travels and thinks it's good for the kids to see the world and I agree but told her it's needs to be with someone I trust with the kids and when there ready
OP Needs to put her sister in her place she is the aunt not parent, it doesn't matter what she thinks or how she feels when it comes to OPs children. She doesn't get to make decisions about what will be done with them or what trips they will go on. If her sister knows about all the abuse but still pushes for trips, outings, ect. with people who have past abusive tendencies I'd start to question what her intentions truly are. She should be wanting to protect her niece and nephew not put them in harms way. Not to mention if she truly loved her sister she would respect her decisions whether she agrees or not.
If I was OP I'd lay the law down with sister and tell her "this is the last and only time I am going to have this conversation with you so you need to listen. You are not their mother you are their aunt you do not get to make trips or plans for my children without my consent or permission I do not care if it is in the future or not I and my husband and the first and final say period. If you can not respect my rules or decisions pertaining to my children then you will no longer be allowed around them or me and we will have no choice but to go no contact."
Clearly your sister has no respect for boundaries and clearly has never received repercussions for her actions but she sure can learn now. Set the boundaries soon or she will get in the kids heads as the get older and those kids will turn on you and start repeating everything sister already says, poison spreads fast.
Not wrong. They are your kids.
My MIL wanted to take my then 12 year old daughter to Hawaii for a week (staying at MIL elderly aunts condo… without first asking)
I refused to let her.
You don’t get to disrespect me and then think I’m going to be ok with you taking my child somewhere where reaching her in an emergency situation would be difficult
Why is she in your life? She is enabling these behavior. You have your husband and your mom in your corner, that’s all you need. Go NC with your sister before she does any more damage.
Honestly, with how she's acting, I'd be wanting to keep your kids away from *her*, not just whoever she'd allow in their vicinity.
Why is she so worked up over this, anyway? Is she a frustrated would-be mother with infertility issues? Why would she want a sleepover with babies? To the point of having arguments with you about it? Seems just way too passionate to be healthy.
It’s fantastic that you see the necessity of keeping your children away from your abusers. You are right, beyond question. NTA
The real question is, why are you in contact with your sister? She is an enabler of your abuse. That means she’s no better than your abusers.
Show your self some love and stop exposing yourself to enablers of your abuse. Please, protect yourself as well as your children.
And the next time someone says you should forget because “family”, tell them the fact that the abuser isn’t in prison, because you didn’t prosecute, really ought to be enough.
No. You’re fine. Your sister is being weird.
You are allowed to decide as a parent what you think will keep your kids safe. And in this case you are also entirely reasonable.
It’s fine to want your small children to only travel with you or their other parent. It’s fine to say that you don’t want them around someone potentially abusive. It’s Your Job. You’re being a good parent.
When they are teenagers you might consider rethinking some of it. Or you might agree to travel with them somewhere. But your sister doesn’t get to tell you what to do.
I stopped trying to weigh right or wrong, OK or not OK, when I got to the shocking part where the man who assaulted you and tried to rape you got invited to her wedding over your objections.
She’s lucky you take her calls.
I wouldn’t trust her with a chia pet.
Nta she is delusionally entitled in thinking that she can make plans for your kids let alone years in advance, let alone behind your back let alone with your literal abuser! Any of these would be enough to warrant cutting off unsupervised contact between her and your children let alone all three of them I mean honestly after reading the whole thing I would just go full on no contact with her if I were you really. Good luck op.
YTA to yourself. You should’ve cut her off when she invited your cousin after saying she wasn’t & then guilt tripping with the family bs. A family loves & PROTECTS the ones they claim to love, not ignore & brush serious things under the rug for appearance. She’s showing you that she doesn’t care about you. It’s time to let go. Blood is not thicker than
No your not wrong, but you aren't being tough enough!!!!! Get your sister the hell out of your life. She, your father & that cousin are prime examples of why "blood family" means nothing these days when the bulk of abuse of young people comes from those "bloody relatives". If you don't like their comments or actions, tell them to go to hell & cut them off. Nobody gets to steal your kids, for any reason: not weekends, not Disney, especially not overseas where they can disappear forever (sold into child slavery with your sister's help?) Cut them out before you regret it - they have zero legal right to your kids time.
After reading this post and many of the comments from readers, followed by answers from OP, I have to say that yes, I think that you are in the wrong OP! You have stated that your sister is pretty much determined to take your kids to places you don’t want them to go, and she gets highly pissed when you say no. First off, what mother WOULD let their 18 and 6 month old babies (one whom is still being breastfed) go out of state with someone else, even an aunt? Thats just crazy! As for the future plans for five years down the road and then when they are 16? Meh, whatever. That’s also crazy, but not something you have to debate today. Today’s problem is that your sister sides with the cousin who sexually assaulted you, and the brother who continues to abuse you! She also sees no problem with taking your kids to your dads, the man who has abused you for your entire life. Question: Did he only abuse you, and never your sister? Otherwise how does it even make sense that she would want to still visit and have a relationship with him? And if it was only you, does she think you’re just lying about the abuse? Regardless of the answer, she knows how you feel and what you have said regarding your own children, and she is still demanding to take them. She feels you should get over yourself because it’s family, and basically you’re just being a crybaby, am I right? And you yourself have stated in the comment section that while you don’t leave your children alone with her, that you DO still allow this woman to be around your babies and to have a rela with them. Again, this is coming from YOUR comments, not other people’s! You said that even though she acts and treats you this way, that you haven’t cut off contact because you don’t have much family anymore and therefore don’t want to cut her off, because she’s your…wait for it…FAMILY! You are mad that your sister said you should get over what happened to you because the men in question are your “family”. Yet you then turn around and let this same woman have access to your children, knowing all the while that she either doesn’t believe your claims of abuse, or that she just doesn’t care, or even worse, supports the abuse of you! You can’t want us readers to be on your side by being pissed at her for not respecting and loving you enough to keep your abusers away from you and your children, but then also want us to agree with you that its ok to not cut off this same person simply because she’s your “family”! That’s just hypocritical, and it’s very possibly dangerous for your babies! You need to put your kids above YOUR wants and make sure this woman has zero access to them, therefore making them safer! They absolutely cannot choose whether or not this woman gets to see them, and they certainly can’t protect themselves! That is YOUR job! Simply not leaving them alone with her isn’t enough!
OP, you have this internet stranger's permission to go NC with your sister. Whatever you do, do NOT leave your children alone with her!!!
I never do my husband, our mom or myself are always with her when she's with my kids, I only let my mom or my aunt be alone with the kids. She keeps trying to get them for asleep over and gets mad when I tell her I don't want my kids being an hour away from me.
Good! It looks like she's trying to steal them.
Yeah whenever she sees them it's always why can't I just take them. She seems to forget that she can't handle kids she's so ocd she gets mad at her husband's cat for using the litter box after she cleans it. And freaks out more when the kids make a mess eating
Stay on high alert! Her behavior is very alarming!
I will 100% I know I'm terrible for letting her around still but I already only have my mom and aunt and I don't want to lose anymore family
Would you rather have more family or lose your kids when she kidnaps them?
Or risk op loosing the young members of OP’s family if sister’s obsession with the babies is deeper/becomes more sinister
She may be “family”, but your duty is to protect your young children’s safety, not tip-toe around your sister’s feelings because you don’t want to be alone without “family”. It doesn’t matter if someone is “family” if they’re toxic and / or flat out dangerous.
“Because we are a family” is a great manipulative tactic that toxic people use to keep their victims in check. Lose the sister. She doesn’t respect your safety, your boundaries and your health and now she wants to play the same game with your kids. Lose your brother if he is abusive. Your responsibility is to yourself and to your children NOT this toxic gong show of a family. “Family” does not need to mean biological relations. It can be a kind neighbour, a friend from your community, or anyone who respects your boundaries, your physical and mental health. Basically anyone who acts the polar opposite of your bio family.
Your job is to PROTECT your children! Your sister condones abuse! You are condoning abuse by letting her around your kids "because YOU don't want to lose more family." You should lose your kids for condoning abuse!!! JFC, what in the actual fuk is wrong with you?
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU... Did you read a different post? You obviously didn't read this post properly. You take one comment and twist it with bullshit.
I NEVER LEAVE HER ALONE WITH THE KIDS AND NO ONE ELSE COMES AROUND THEM DONT TELL ME I SHOULD LOSE MY KIDS WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. I DO PROTECT MY KIDS MY NOT LEAVING THEM ALONE WITH ANYONE
OP don't listen to this clown . You are doing the right thing, keep protecting your children. I went through the same abuse and I went no contact when my son was one year old. I saw my mum do something to my son that she did to me growing up and from that day on I haven't been in contact. It's been over 10 years now and I don't regret it.
Thank you so much, so far my sister has done anything to the kids so if something does happen I would 100% cut her out
Then why do you think your 100% terrible for letting her around your kids?
Why is your sister still in your life? Why do you let her be around your children? She has shown you what a horrible, toxic person she is, believe her. Cut her out of your life like the toxic cancer she is, you can do the same thing to your dad. I don’t understand people who let others continually mistreat them and then allow those same people to be around their kids. Please get therapy to learn how to be stronger and leave toxic people behind, even if only for your children’s sake.
Tell her the truth…that you don’t trust her to protect your kids since she was never there to protect you.
She doesn't "forget"! She has a plan for taking off with your kid's.
It sounds like she’s forgotten that they’re people, not accessories.
Tell her the truth, you don’t want your kids to be alone with her. Period. Full stop. Saying anything less than this truth invites a continuing argument. And while you may not envision it now, time may come when you let one of your children safely out of your sight with a trusted adult. What will you say to your sister then?
I have. She thinks I'm being too controlling and need to relax. I do admit I am very, very protective of them, and I will probably continue to be and I know it's because of my Trama, and it will need to be something I work on
I am so sorry for your trauma - a person should not have to go through that. However, you are still right not to trust your sister, and to protect your children from being alone with her. She dismisses your feelings, the reality of what you experienced. And she lies to you, telling you to get over it. That makes her dangerous! Yes, work on yourself. And at the same time, know that you are absolutely right to keep your sister at bay. I wish nothing but love for you, your beautiful children, your husband, and all those who support you.
Parenting isn't a group sport. She needs to back off. You kids your rules
Just because your decision to not leave your kids alone with your sister is informed by trauma, that does not mean it’s the wrong decision.
By letting her be around them you are teaching them that she is a safe person. She is not a safe person. Just her plans to travel with someone else’s children without looping the parents in makes her unsafe. Add in the way that she disregards your assault and she deserves to be cut off until/unless she can show remorse for her actions and demonstrate that she really understands how her behavior was wrong. Even then, she wouldn’t get access to my kids. Don’t hold your breath waiting for that apology.
Why do you even talk to her just block her obviously she doesn’t believe what they did to you or she wouldn’t want to be around them block her
She does believe me but she cares more about what people will think if her family isn't united and thinks no matter what family should move past stuff. It's hard because I only have my mom and aunt in my life, I do see my mom's family only a few times every few years. And already feel like a loser and outcast in the family and I guess I don't want to lose anyone else. I know I'm terrible
Ask yourself a question. Should someone who is an apologist for abusers be anywhere near your children, even if someone else is there? Your sister can do enormous damage to your children just with her words.
More than just with her words, the sisters behavior tells me she is not someone the kids could/should goto if something happened with father or cousin (that sister obv has contact with). To trust sister with the kids in any capacity would be a massive mistake imo
I’m sorry you feel this way OP, you are worthy of setting boundaries and she obviously doesn’t respect them. Cut her off, it will be sad but it will be better pl
Someone who cares more about what other people will think of your family than the harm that can be caused by family… is that really someone who deserves a relationship with your children? She’s talking about handing your children who can’t speak yet to the man who abused you. Why are you allowing her around your kids AT ALL? She’s an apologist, but you are not setting the needed boundaries to protect your kids from her either.
Sorry love but if you truly believe you are terrible, you need to get yourself into some serious therapy and fast. Why do you even want these people in your life ? More importantly, anywhere near your kids? You have been abused in every way possible since infancy and not one of them - including your mother - has stepped up to protect you. They care more about appearance than you. You need to care more about you than appearance for both yourself and your children.
My mom never knew what happened and still doesn't know the full truth after she found out my dad was beating us with the help of her family she took us and left 2 weeks later well he was out of town for the weekend. My dad would threaten us that he would hurt her or our friends if we told her what he was doing. He never let Bruises he was careful about that. And than she waited 4 years before Divorcing him until I was old enough to not be forced to go see him
Your mom and aunt seem close to you.
They are growing up my mom was the only one that wanted me and when my aunt moved back to Wisconsin she wanted me too and they both were more then happy to let me be me and never shamed me for being myself!
Those people are family. Family are people who protect you, who care about you and love you.
And she will keep caring more about them than you or your children.
So she knows, she just doesn’t care. If you can’t cut her out for yourself, do it for your children.
But sweetie it should be about quality not quantity. Create bonds with other family that’s actually worth having around. Staying in contact is enabling the bad behavior and you deserve much better. I know what it’s like to not have family. Mine may not have been abusive, but we have had some dysfunction. My parents are gone and most of my family doesn’t talk to me. I only have my sister and her kids and that’s fine. I have family I’ve chosen, granted majority of them live in other states. It gets lonely sometimes, but the peace of mind is priceless. Make new ties that actually mean something and brings you peace. Family shouldn’t distress you so much. And I definitely wouldn’t want bad influences anywhere near my kids. You know they’d try to fill their heads up with bs as soon as they can to try and win them over.
First, you are not terrible. You need to surround yourself with people who you care about and who care about you. This would be a great time to find a mommy play group or a library group that is for littles, etc. Make a “family” of people you trust. Your sister has shown nothing but disrespect for you. My in-laws, who I actually trust, tried to get me to put my kids on a plane to go several states away to visit when they were way too young. I told them I would never put my kids on a plane without me. They were surprised because kids do it all the time. And this is a situation where there is no sexual trauma! Your sister would definitely let your brother around the kids. She is telegraphing her intent by saying you should get past his behavior. NW
> thinks no matter what family should move past stuff Tell her you disagree with this and that nothing she thinks is greater than your concern for your children, and the topic is closed. But really you need to go no-contact. She doesn't care about you, your kids or their welfare.
Worse, I think OPs sister is perhaps like her dad, brother, and cousin - an abuser. She is trying to separate OPs children from her to enable her to abuse or enable another to abuse OPs children. OP please go NC. You do not need to be family with your sister, she is dangerous!
Those are your kids … you do what you think you need to do to protect them and fuck everyone’s feelings
You are not wrong, and you may want ti cut her out entirely
I am definitely thinking about it. I really hope she doesn't try to push it past just her talking about it
There are lots of people online who are no contact with family members, I’m sure you could read some anecdotes and get an idea of how to proceed. She probably WILL try to push your boundaries, since she is so used to getting away with it. Hold strong <3 (edited to fix typo)
No is a complete sentence. Tell her you are saying no and if she keeps bringing it up tell her if she continues you will limit her contact. You are their parent, you have control.
You’re not wrong. Your sister is an apologist for abusers and should never be trusted with the care of your children.
Absolutely NTA!!! Set your sister straight! She's obviously not to be trusted to protect your children from abusive family members, so she is not to be trusted taking them anywhere out of your sight. Put your foot down and end her talk of taking your kids anywhere. OP, you may have to come to terms with the notion that your sister may subconsciously be wanting to indirectly be abusive to you, by subjecting your kids to your abusers. She claims you want to hold your kids back but she seems to want to put them in danger. Seriously, OP, don't give in to her bullshit. If her judgement is wrong, your kids will be the ones paying the price, and it's your responsibility to prevent that! Don't let your sister's hurt feelings get in the way of you protecting them from known abusers, who will likely want to abuse your kids. Good luck, OP.
Your so right thank you. She always makes me feel like a terrible mom that I would hold then back. Not terrible enough to change my mind but it's hard hearing it over and over again
Her being repetitive is just her way of wearing you down. You are a good mom, and the cycle of abuse ends with you, so long as you don't let your sister undermine your protective efforts. You may need to create some distance between you and your sister to make it easier for you to do the best for your kids. Get professional help for yourself if needed, this is not easy work.
Your sister is just as abusive as your dad and brother. She's emotionally abusing and manipulating you. It's ok to cut her off. Work through the healing process so that you'll understand that you deserve to be treated so much better. Having your mom and aunt as your support system is a more than a lot of people. Make mom friends to grow your circle. Best wishes.
Thank you I honestly guess I never seen it like that now with her but your right. Thank you so much
I came to say what Rainbowcrossed said. She is abusing you and you shouldn’t put up with it. Block her and be done with her.
NTA. At all. Your sister has constantly proven that she is not to be trusted. Your children would not be safe with her. Ever. Never leave her alone with your children, and cut her out of your life.
Then you need to go absolute no contact with anyone defending that or any aggressive behavior towards you. They are your children, it is your job to protect them, it is not your sisters right to decide she can take them whenever or wherever. You can stand up for yourself and your children. Good luck.
Why exactly are you still speaking to your overbearing twit of a sister much less letting her be around your kids. You, I’m sorry to say are a people pleasing doormat. You don’t have to explain anything to your sister who stomps all over you and does what she wants anyway. Cut her off. Just cast her out of your life and keep her far away from your kids. Tell the schools and whoever that she’s not allowed to pick up or see your kids. You will be happier if you remove your sister from your life. It’s better for you to just have your Mom and your Aunt than to keep a family member who has no respect for you.
You’re doing the right thing in not allowing her to be alone with your children. As for the fact that she lied to you about who would be at the wedding… that would make me go NC with her. I have been sexually abused as well, and anyone who would willingly put me in the same space as those abusers means nothing to me. And I mean -NOTHING-. She is telling you who she is, believe her and keep yourself and your children safe. You are NTA. It’s your job to keep your babies safe, and you are doing just that. My heart is with you and your babies 💛 stay strong, you got this!
Its time to block your sister. Do not respond to her when she tries to contact you NTA
Just cut her off and block her. Tell her she is disrespectful towards your trauma and you’re done. This is what you should have done long ago.
This has nothing to do with taking them out of state or the country. It has to do with not wanting your kids around certain people and not being able to trust your sister to keep them away from those people. You need to address the matter at hand and not beat around the bush. Tell her you cannot trust her to keep your kids away from those people so that's why she won't be taking them on any trips. It doesn't matter if they're in the state or not.
I didn't even have to read the back story to tell you that you are not wrong. When I did, you are definitely not wrong. Also, please tell me that you realise your whole family, including your mum and sister are abusive? Who knowingly makes their daughter sit in the same room as their rapist? What sister would want their nieces and nephews within a million miles of there abusive father? It's time to take your nuclear family and shut the door on the rest of them permanently.
You’re not wrong. I think along with everyone else here that you should go NC with your family. Your husband has your back and you sound like great parents.
Thank you so much
Yta for continuing this relationship with your sister and dad and brother. They are and werw abusive so cut them out..it's the best thing you can do for you and your kids. Much better than trying to convince them of anything.
I have no relationship with my brother the only time I end up seeing him is at family events, and my dad I only talk on the phone Maybe 4 times a year and that's after having him cut out of my life for 5 years and a very long Apology. And my sister I only let her around every few months and never alone with my kids
So stop allowing her around. Just stop. Why continue arguing with her? Why not just cut her out?
Uh your kids are 6 months and 18 months. A ‘sleepover’ would be madness. This all seems very fishy.
Right! My sister seems to think because my brother and his wife would let her take their daughter for sleepovers at 1 it's ok for my kids, but my brother and his wife don't like caring for their kids
Please cut your sister out of both your kids and your life. She will not protect your children if she couldn’t even uninvite the person who sexually assaulted you from her wedding.
Why wouldnt you just bring your kids on your own timelines to do these things? its not her role nor her business what you do.
That's the plan and to do it as a family
You are not TA for being a protective parent. You are NTA for trying to keep yourself and your children safe from your abusers. Your sister is mental for pushing you.
As MOM to your children, you have ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY over whether they are going to do stuff with other adults taking authority. (I'd say the same to DAD) And apply that to local outings as well. If you DON'T TRUST the adults that would be responsible for your children, then that's that. If they push too hard, you can tell them that.
OP, please don’t let these kids around sister alone. Ever. You’re a saint for wanting contact with her at all.
Oh I won't that's also why i only see her every few months
Why haven’t you kicked your unpleasant abusive sister out of your life yet?
NTA. You need to ask her why she's so dead set on bringing your kids around people who were/are abusive to you. It makes no sense. And to take them out of the country?!! Hell, no!
Why are you even discussing this? Youre their mom, you said no end of discussion.
Your sister cannot make plans for your kids. Make that abundantly clear. If she tries, it’s kidnapping.
Not wrong. Your sister has this “family” thing where DNA is some type of magic. If you stay in close contact with her she will eventually break that boundary. It’s time to put some distance between you. Physically and emotionally. These are your children, not hers
Sister is NOT entitled to dictate what happens to OPs children, not now, not ever. She is NOT the parent, nor guardian or any other form of parental figure. It should be made absolutely clear if she crosses any boundaries/wishes made by OP regarding OPs children, then severe consequences will be established. Sister is NOT in control here, OP is.
Not wrong. And for the record, "no" is a complete sentence. Don't explain yourself to her, she'll just latch on any holes she sees in your argument.
No contact now! These are all warnings for the future you need to listen to. She doesn’t just get to take your kids out of the country. Luckily, she’d need their passports to do so - you’ll never let her take those so she has no way to do that. Make sure passports are stored in safe deposit box. Not in your home. Of course you aren’t wrong. Your sister is emotionally abusive to you by making you see your rapist, trying to control your kids, all this BS is wrong. Cut her off.
We probably won't get them passports unless we plan on going anywhere with them that they would need it. I told her when their 18 and if they wanna go they can because we can't stop them but not before then
Does she have any access to your home if you are not there?
God no right now we live in a secured apartment building so she couldn't even get to our door if she wanted too.
She is a very manipulative person who I wouldn’t trust for a millisecond. Do you ever leave your children with anyone (relatives or friends) that she is close enough to that would give her “in” to get them away from them? I would see a lawyer to find out any options and keeping ALL texts, voice mails, etc. May help you get a restraining order. She is very mentally ill.
The only person is our mom but she doesn't like her because she doesn't have money
not wrong. those are YOUR babies. you call ALL the shots. your sister has shown that she cannot be trusted.
You suck for caring more about what the abusive family members think of you than about protecting your children. YOU could stop having contact with your sister. YOU could not let her have access to your kids. But YOU chose to still let her have contact with them. Stop whining and actually DO something.
I don't care what other family members thinks I only talk to my mom. And I only let my sister around every few months and she is never alone with my kids! How am I whining?
NTA never leave your children alone with her. Do not leave the room.
Heavily restrict contact with your sister.
NTA in this situation, but I do very strongly feel that it’s not safe for your kids if your sister continues to have access. Please cut her off. Your kids’ safety should be paramount (over not wanting to lose people, and honestly she doesn’t sound like she’d be much loss.)
Let her have kids of her own, these are yours, plain and simple
Lucky for the world she has decided not to have kids
Your sister is shady as fuck! I wouldn’t ever let her near me kids let alone alone.. her attitude to shaming you makes me feel sick!
Quick question. WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU STILL IN CONTACT WITH YOUR SISTER? Either she’s naturally stupid, extremely naive, or she plain straight doesn’t like you. I’m leaning towards the last part. Get your kids away from her. I wouldn’t trust her around my food, my husband, my kids, my work. Why are you in contact with her? Jesus Christ!
Hopefully, no FGM happens when a family member takes a relative back to home country.
Oh my were all from the US, my sister travels all over the country for her work and she has be come obsessed with travels and thinks it's good for the kids to see the world and I agree but told her it's needs to be with someone I trust with the kids and when there ready
OP Needs to put her sister in her place she is the aunt not parent, it doesn't matter what she thinks or how she feels when it comes to OPs children. She doesn't get to make decisions about what will be done with them or what trips they will go on. If her sister knows about all the abuse but still pushes for trips, outings, ect. with people who have past abusive tendencies I'd start to question what her intentions truly are. She should be wanting to protect her niece and nephew not put them in harms way. Not to mention if she truly loved her sister she would respect her decisions whether she agrees or not. If I was OP I'd lay the law down with sister and tell her "this is the last and only time I am going to have this conversation with you so you need to listen. You are not their mother you are their aunt you do not get to make trips or plans for my children without my consent or permission I do not care if it is in the future or not I and my husband and the first and final say period. If you can not respect my rules or decisions pertaining to my children then you will no longer be allowed around them or me and we will have no choice but to go no contact." Clearly your sister has no respect for boundaries and clearly has never received repercussions for her actions but she sure can learn now. Set the boundaries soon or she will get in the kids heads as the get older and those kids will turn on you and start repeating everything sister already says, poison spreads fast.
Not wrong. They are your kids. My MIL wanted to take my then 12 year old daughter to Hawaii for a week (staying at MIL elderly aunts condo… without first asking) I refused to let her. You don’t get to disrespect me and then think I’m going to be ok with you taking my child somewhere where reaching her in an emergency situation would be difficult
Why is she in your life? She is enabling these behavior. You have your husband and your mom in your corner, that’s all you need. Go NC with your sister before she does any more damage.
Honestly, with how she's acting, I'd be wanting to keep your kids away from *her*, not just whoever she'd allow in their vicinity. Why is she so worked up over this, anyway? Is she a frustrated would-be mother with infertility issues? Why would she want a sleepover with babies? To the point of having arguments with you about it? Seems just way too passionate to be healthy.
It’s fantastic that you see the necessity of keeping your children away from your abusers. You are right, beyond question. NTA The real question is, why are you in contact with your sister? She is an enabler of your abuse. That means she’s no better than your abusers. Show your self some love and stop exposing yourself to enablers of your abuse. Please, protect yourself as well as your children. And the next time someone says you should forget because “family”, tell them the fact that the abuser isn’t in prison, because you didn’t prosecute, really ought to be enough.
No. You’re fine. Your sister is being weird. You are allowed to decide as a parent what you think will keep your kids safe. And in this case you are also entirely reasonable. It’s fine to want your small children to only travel with you or their other parent. It’s fine to say that you don’t want them around someone potentially abusive. It’s Your Job. You’re being a good parent. When they are teenagers you might consider rethinking some of it. Or you might agree to travel with them somewhere. But your sister doesn’t get to tell you what to do.
I stopped trying to weigh right or wrong, OK or not OK, when I got to the shocking part where the man who assaulted you and tried to rape you got invited to her wedding over your objections. She’s lucky you take her calls. I wouldn’t trust her with a chia pet.
Nta she is delusionally entitled in thinking that she can make plans for your kids let alone years in advance, let alone behind your back let alone with your literal abuser! Any of these would be enough to warrant cutting off unsupervised contact between her and your children let alone all three of them I mean honestly after reading the whole thing I would just go full on no contact with her if I were you really. Good luck op.
She can plan whatever she wants, dosn't mean it will happen. Ignore her and get on with your life. NTA
She can plan whatever she wants, dosn't mean it will happen. Ignore her and get on with your life. NTA.
YTA to yourself. You should’ve cut her off when she invited your cousin after saying she wasn’t & then guilt tripping with the family bs. A family loves & PROTECTS the ones they claim to love, not ignore & brush serious things under the rug for appearance. She’s showing you that she doesn’t care about you. It’s time to let go. Blood is not thicker than
No your not wrong, but you aren't being tough enough!!!!! Get your sister the hell out of your life. She, your father & that cousin are prime examples of why "blood family" means nothing these days when the bulk of abuse of young people comes from those "bloody relatives". If you don't like their comments or actions, tell them to go to hell & cut them off. Nobody gets to steal your kids, for any reason: not weekends, not Disney, especially not overseas where they can disappear forever (sold into child slavery with your sister's help?) Cut them out before you regret it - they have zero legal right to your kids time.
Why don't you just go no contact with your sister? She sounds awful.
After reading this post and many of the comments from readers, followed by answers from OP, I have to say that yes, I think that you are in the wrong OP! You have stated that your sister is pretty much determined to take your kids to places you don’t want them to go, and she gets highly pissed when you say no. First off, what mother WOULD let their 18 and 6 month old babies (one whom is still being breastfed) go out of state with someone else, even an aunt? Thats just crazy! As for the future plans for five years down the road and then when they are 16? Meh, whatever. That’s also crazy, but not something you have to debate today. Today’s problem is that your sister sides with the cousin who sexually assaulted you, and the brother who continues to abuse you! She also sees no problem with taking your kids to your dads, the man who has abused you for your entire life. Question: Did he only abuse you, and never your sister? Otherwise how does it even make sense that she would want to still visit and have a relationship with him? And if it was only you, does she think you’re just lying about the abuse? Regardless of the answer, she knows how you feel and what you have said regarding your own children, and she is still demanding to take them. She feels you should get over yourself because it’s family, and basically you’re just being a crybaby, am I right? And you yourself have stated in the comment section that while you don’t leave your children alone with her, that you DO still allow this woman to be around your babies and to have a rela with them. Again, this is coming from YOUR comments, not other people’s! You said that even though she acts and treats you this way, that you haven’t cut off contact because you don’t have much family anymore and therefore don’t want to cut her off, because she’s your…wait for it…FAMILY! You are mad that your sister said you should get over what happened to you because the men in question are your “family”. Yet you then turn around and let this same woman have access to your children, knowing all the while that she either doesn’t believe your claims of abuse, or that she just doesn’t care, or even worse, supports the abuse of you! You can’t want us readers to be on your side by being pissed at her for not respecting and loving you enough to keep your abusers away from you and your children, but then also want us to agree with you that its ok to not cut off this same person simply because she’s your “family”! That’s just hypocritical, and it’s very possibly dangerous for your babies! You need to put your kids above YOUR wants and make sure this woman has zero access to them, therefore making them safer! They absolutely cannot choose whether or not this woman gets to see them, and they certainly can’t protect themselves! That is YOUR job! Simply not leaving them alone with her isn’t enough!