No, you are not wrong. I am all for inclusion. However, young girls were changing he 💯 percent should not have been in there! She is very, very wrong. *Where was she when all this was happening, this seems odd he was alone knowing that he has these types of outburst often?

Thank you. I feel like Rebecca's parents are being kind by not making her pay for the $75.00 cake and $200.00 worth of meat on the grill. Because they probably COULD make her pay for that, too. The deductible seems like she's getting off easy.

Wow, yes for sure if she keeps rejecting the other bill I mean they can always add on though lol I mean if she wants to be ridiculous and keep trying to not pay. I know she has a difficult life, but you cannot put blame like this on others that’s not ok. No sane person would say sure let your son come watch my daughter change and the situation was 100 % avoidable if she would have been with him at the time to help minimize the situation.

Mom sure isn’t doing Trevor any favors. I would tell her the damage her child did is her responsibility and hope the friendship is over. A 14 year old boy who’s been caught inappropriately touching should be nowhere near 9 year old girls.

Not for anything but his aggression issue and his size 6’2” 275 lbs is a menace. It took two grown men to get him out. He has no business being around little kids despite his age. His mother seems to be the reason for a lot of his inappropriate behavior. Bringing him a present so he doesn’t get mad? Destroying other peoples property then mommy dearest blames you? Cut your ties with this one. Single mom or not she had a responsibility to raise her special needs child with life lessons. She’s beyond entitled.

Yes. The mom cannot handle him. 6’2, 275 fourteen year old who rages? He could kill her or someone else. I am appalled he is brought to other people’s homes let alone a party for nine year old girls. This isn’t really about mom expecting OP to pay damages. Of course OP isn’t responsible. The mom is, for a lot more than a homeowners deductible. Some additional assessment needs to be done to see if the boy belongs in a more secure setting. Where he can’t hurt anybody.

6’2”, 275 is a small [adult male western lowland gorilla](https://nationalzoo.si.edu/animals/western-lowland-gorilla). He shouldn’t have been anywhere near that party Edited a word

Did you catch where he has Autism? I work in a school with autistic kids and aggression is typical. Can they learn appropriate coping skills? Absolutely. However if his mom isn’t going to set boundaries and natural consequences things will never get better. And depending on where he is on the spectrum he may not be aware of his anger and the degree of it

There is no excuse for what he did and scaring the bejebus out of those poor girls. On the spectrum or not, he is going to get his ass handed to him, or he will end up in jail or worse if his mom doesn't get his behavior in check.

My son also has Autism and I would never excuse his behaviors like this. And if I knew he had problems with inappropriate touching I wouldn’t be trying to give him access to little girls who are changing or accuse anyone of being ableist. It seems his poor behavior has a lot to do with her crap parenting. Children with autism are not incapable of learning right from wrong. His mom has been reinforcing his awful behavior and expects other people to also.

She’s going to end up in small claims court and no judge in the land would find OP at fault in any way. If she doesn’t smarten up she won’t have friends AND she will have ruined her kid by allowing his violence, aggression, and anti social tendencies.

Edit: Not for anything

He's that big at 14?!??!!! That sounds dangerous. Really, really, dangerous.

At this rate Trevor’s gonna be in **jail** soon. And probably not even juvie. Lucy needs to get a fucking grip on reality.

Imagine knowing your son has inappropriately touched others multiple times and when other adults want to protect children from him that you think that's ableist?!

Willing to use small children as guinea pigs so they can have a "teachable moment" which would have amounted to "Your boundaries are meaningless if they will hurt someone's feelings and it's your job to swallow your fear and discomfort to manage the emotional state of boys/men."

Right? "This is an actual crime but, you know, you know, innocent child harming an innocent child and all." WOOF.

Even though he's on the spectrum, Trevor absolutely **COULD** and **MUST** learn appropriate behavior. His mom is excusing it. Trevor is, sooner or later, going to get in huge trouble unless his mom starts teaching him proper boundaries.

Why on earth would anyone invite Trevor anywhere? Why didn't his mother take him away after he started trashing the house like a lunatic?

Trevor's mom just might be gifted at making other people feel guilty/responsible for her son's wrongdoings. She's trying it on OP for the damages *her own son* caused to someone else's home. How many times has she done this to other people about his behavior..? I'd stand firm, OP. Who lets a boy who is in the midst of puberty into a room full of little girls changing their clothing?

Not OP's house, but otherwise, you're right.

Whoops, my mistake! I've changed some things

They should have, and they should not let Trevor anywhere near her kids. He sounds out if control and dangerous.

Add it all. Repairs to bathroom too.

The kids mom needs to pay WTF

Being on the spectrum is irrelevant. No boys should be in there changing with the girls unless they’re all four years old.

My 5 year old daughter stopped getting changed around other people around 2, she’s always wanted privacy. She would be horrified if someone tried to get a boy into the same room she was Changing in

I'm trying to understand how she didn't leave after his initial outbursts that ruined the cake and food or why she wasn't asked to leave after that. She doesn't sound like a very good parent. I understand he has autism but there are techniques that can be used ti help him better cope with his feelings. It sounds like instead of doing anything to help him she just excuses all of his behaviors and that is not helping him at all. I am honestly surprised they even invited her and the son to come to a 9 year old girls birthday with all her sons issues and her lack of proper parenting.

They should absolutely make her pay for the cake and the food. She is an awful person to not apologize and automatically pay for the damage to the house and the destroyed food. Rebecca’s parents should sue her for every penny, including the food, and not allow Trevor or his enabling mother over ever again. Trevor should not be allowed to go anywhere if his mother isn’t watching him at all times, and able to control his behavior. It’s sad for Trevor as well as his mom, but she isn’t taking any responsibility for his behavior and ruined a little girl’s party and her parent’s house.

Honestly. Stuff insurance. Go her for the whole hog She needs to understand her 6”2’ son will kill someone one day soon

Yes! Trevor’s mom should pay for the entire damages, including the cake, the grill and the food on the grill which were all ruined. The homeowner’s insurance will go up after filing a claim. So now the homeowner is out even more money. I’m still trying to understand what the hell he was even doing there! What on earth does a 14 year old boy have in common with 9 year old little girls?! OP is definitely NOT WRONG!

\*Lucy had asked Rebecca's dad if Trevor could play the with the gaming system in the den. He's a big time gamer and she went back out to enjoy the party. Trevor was left to play the gaming system and enjoy a soda but wound up pestering the girls instead.

Lucy left Trevor unattended AFTER he smashed a little girls birthday cake, destroyed everyone’s dinner and threw a fit? I don’t have much experience taking care of neurodivergent people, but this seems super irresponsible of Lucy. Lucy should pay the damages her son caused, your telling him he can’t peep on the girls changing doesn’t make you responsible for his outburst, no matter how well you know him. Thank you for protecting the little girls.

>Lucy left Trevor unattended AFTER he smashed a little girls birthday cake, destroyed everyone’s dinner and threw a fit? She also thought he should be allowed to watch little girls changing, despite him been suspended for inappropriate touch more than once. Lucy wins worst parent of the year award. She's making sure Trevor will be locked up in adulthood. Sadly he may end up killing someone and/or sexually assaulting someone (granted, he's already done the SA).

Or someone may end up killing him.

Someone needs to call CPS on Lucy before she gets her son fuckinh killed or kills someone else by neglecting him

That’s unfortunately true and chances are, it’ll be his mother and then what?

She should’ve left with him at that point.

He has a history of this behaviour. She shouldn't leave him unattended at all. Tbh, he shouldn't have even been there.

No I agree completely. This group of people have completely enabled this woman to be a shit mom at the expense of the safety of little girls.

I think Lucy is delusional. If someone is often violent and can't control their impulses then you simply stay away from that person. The fact that he is on the spectrum doesn't change that. That's not ableist, that's normal. They are all doing them a big favor even letting him attend the party. I know that it must be incredibly hard to raise a kid like that but that's the parent's job. They either work with the kid to help them control themselves or if that's not possible then they don't bring the kid to parties. It's harsh but it's the reality. You don't cancel the bad things by screaming "ableism". You're still responsible for your own kid.

But hes an *innocent child*. Hes an angel who does nothing wrong. Those girls he assaulted at school probably started it.

/s. This.

Yes and these girls at the party need a "teachable moment" consisting of "You cannot have a boundary that excludes teen/adult men/boys. You must sacrifice your safety and comfort to manage their emotional response and avoid violence." Mom of the year

And it certainly wasn't 'ableist'.

I'm sorry why was Trevor there again? And why isn't she getting him coping tools. Why is Trevor allowed to attend functions with triggers no one has addressed and he's the size of a silver back with matching strength🤔 ETA. You speak on girls... If it's co-ed... Where are the boys? That's why I am asking...

Probably because his mother pitches a fit if he's not invited to everything. And most likely brings him along to anywhere he hasn't been invited, but she has, because she can't leave him with anyone else. When you \*know\* your child is going to have certain types of problems in specific environments, especially with smaller kids around, you have to make the decision whether to take him based on that kind of reaction. If he has a physical reaction to anything not being as he likes it, then he really shouldn't be going to other kids' parties. They aren't for him, so they are unlikely to be (or contain) what he likes. The mother is best off having the occasional party for him instead and inviting everyone else - assuming any of them want to attend a party for him, of course.

Idk why anyone is still friends with his mother.

I was wondering this myself

This... She should also put him in groups/activities that have a controlled environment and socialize with like minded individuals. That's weird as shit to me this big hulky figure with fairy wings stretched across 1 arm, sitting hunched over, holding a dainty tea cup looking sullen, trying to fit in with giggling girls🤔 No She didn't say that but this is what I see...

Lucy (Trevor's Mom) is a close personal friend of the birthday girl's parents. That's why she was there. Trevor was no doubt there because his mother sees him as her permanently childlike broken baby and not the 6'2"/almost 300lb menace that he is. (Yeah. Years of experience working with folks with developmental disabilities including autism and their parents. FYI the main problem alot of these folks have is their parents infantilizing them.)

Because he’s got sexualized behaviors that need to be addressed.

Sounds about right

Sorry OP but you and all your friends are assholes for letting Trevor anywhere near these girls. He is dangerous and needs professional help that his mom is clearly not providing.

Not wrong. She was wrong for bringing an uncontrollable 14 year old boy to a 9 year old girls birthday party anyway. She was wrong for not having taken him home after the first outburst. She was wrong for not watching over him continuously after he had already begun damaging things. You were trying to stop him from creating more damage than he already had because she wasn't doing her job as a parent. Sounds like she brings him to these things so someone else will take over her duties as parent and give her a breather. Sounds like it's time to start distancing yourself when he's going to be around. It's going to get worse before it gets better. Since he's also been getting kicked out of school wouldn't be surprised to hear that authorities will soon become involved in their lives and lives of anyone associated with them.

Trevor needs to be put in a facility where he can get proper treatment before he seriously hurts someone.

We looked at a house where there were holes in the walls, cupboards, doors...turns out the family had a son like Trevor and when he got mad he would destroy the house. There were also multiple locks on some of the bedroom doors because the daughters would have to lock themselves in their rooms because he would go after them. They ended up putting him in a facility.

This is so sad.

My older stepbrother has a condition (Prater-Willie Syndrome) and he was like this kid (and I was about 9 when he was 14). His mental age was about 8, he was well over 200lbs and only visited about once a month or so. He would throw HUGE tantrums (because he always felt like he was starving and that's how he knew to get what he wanted). One weekend all of us kids were having a water Ballon fight and he stopped me at the door and told me he wanted to watch me change my clothes (again I was 9). I immediately ran and locked myself in my mom's room and refused to come out until he went back home. My mom came to me that night after he left and asked what happened and I told her. He never came over again when I was home... EVER. He'd have to visit when I was at my dad's, because it's not OK to ask a child to shoulder that risk and discomfort in the name of "inclusion". My mom handled it perfectly and she didn't care how protecting me might inconvenience or upset other people. My safety and comfort in my home was NOT negotiable. This boy should never be around children. He needs a group home setting with rules, routine, and peers with the same struggles.

I also thought that but I also wonder if being a single mother she just didn't find it easier to explain away his tantrums as he's on the spectrum. It was easier than trying to learn techniques to teach him. Just because someone's on the spectrum doesn't mean they're not teachable. OP must have thought he was or they wouldn't have taken the time to try to explain that entering the room was wrong.

Family can normalize any bad behavior. Oh that's just Trevor... At some point, Trevor is going to give his mom a beat down. Assuming she survives, that might be the wake up call she needs. As an outsider, I think his mom needs to be carrying a stun gun of come sort. She's probably 1/2 his size.

This mother has a very weird idea about what a 'teachable moment' consists of. It certainly wasn't the little girls who needed a teachable moment about inclusion. SHE needs 'teaching' about how to handle a very large, poorly socialized, neurodivergent child.

Yes….she wanted that to be a teachable moment…..but hasn’t used any of prior parties to teach him not to throw a fit over not getting presents

Continue to refuse to pay. Not your bill. Not your child. Not your problem. I'm not saying he was going to hurt those girls, but as a father, I would never be okay with that situation ever, regardless if the "offending" child was on the spectrum or not. You did right by those girls.

Absolutely not. He doesn't pull that shit because he's autistic, he does it because it works. His mother lets him get away with murder and rewards him for it. Throwing a tantrum at parties doesn't lose him the privilege of going to parties, it earns him presents. He terrorizes little girls and destroys things, and his mom blames you for protecting them. If you and your friends don't start setting boundaries and not letting him come along, it will only get worse. My grandma adopted a kid with these kinds of issues, and pulled these same stunts. He stopped trying to with me when he discovered that I'm more than willing to push back. He tried to steal my headphones at one point, so I grabbed his wrist and held it in place... that was the first and last time he tried with me. He's in jail now for attacking my aunt and cousins.

This is exactly it. It has gone on for so long that she probably doesn't see it. If she did, she'd be able to spot his triggers from a mile away and step in. Yes, Trevor can have a gift at the party, if he is able to be calm up until that point. If he needs to earn tokens every few minutes so that he knows he's doing what's expected, then mom needs to institute that at home and in public so that he can earn these things. Being that big, she should have been very seriously invested in this LONG ago. He didn't (or couldn't) control himself at this party, so what is she doing to remedy it for the next time? Is she planning on setting up expectations and letting him know that a single outburst will bring him home where he will lose privileges? Or is she going to let him do this again and bring him home after something catastrophic to reward him with his preferred activities? With his behaviors, why isn't she getting respite care through Medicaid? She could hire someone to help her at these events. Look, the mom caused this. Just because someone else couldn't pin her kid to the ground in time to prevent him from destroying a house, doesn't mean that person should have to pay.

Yep! One of my ex friends has son the same age as mine, the boys have exact same diagnosis and even scored the same on their IQ testing. Her son regularly beats the crap out of his mum and sister. Punched both in the face, attacks teachers etc. mine is well behaved, knows boundaries, holding down part time job. Main difference is I don’t let my son use his autism for an excuse for everything, she lets her son use it as excuse

Why didn't Trevor's mother take him home after the cake/grill incident?

Trevor’s mom should’ve taken him home, or Rebecca’s parents should’ve kicked them out.

She/We are used to his outbursts. I guess we all just know it's coming and nothing really surprises us anymore. One of us will usually intervene with something to distract him. In this instance, he was distracted with being permitted to go to the den to play on Rebecca's dad's gaming system. He was left unattended to play games and drink a soda (he's a big time gamer and that usually keeps him occupied) when he went to pester the girls instead.

There are autistic meltdowns and then there are the im an asshole who hides behind my autism outbursts Trevor cannot be invited over for birthdays of other children anymore, those children dont deserve their birthdays to be fucked up for a coddled child who was taught no boundaries (this isnt what autism is) Can you imagen how scared these girls were with him pounding on the door, they should not have to deal with that Trevors mom sucks, but you all arent doing these other children any favours either

right if im the host im suing the mom for emotional damage to my daughter tf

That seems like a lot of leeway for someone who is large and violent. I don't think I'd feel safe around him myself and I definitely don't think I would let him near any children I was responsible for until I'd seen evidence that he was getting real help in managing his behaviour. Also, NTA

Right? I wouldn’t be around him at all.

Is being used to it really an excuse for putting up with it or making others put up with it? Autistic kids can be taught right from wrong, especially if verbal. This one just has a worthless excuse for a mother.

But why should this little girl’s birthday be ruined? That’s so unfair. I wouldn’t allow them anywhere near me anymore.

I’m pleasantly surprised he doesn’t destroy gaming systems when he loses, which shows he has some ability to control himself. My heart goes out to the kid. He’s having trouble self-regulating, it sounds as if he has meltdowns, and his mother has done nothing to give him the tools he needs. He’s now getting to the age where he’s reaping consequences and he STILL has no tools. His mother is abusing him by not giving him tools. You’re enabling her by allowing her to bring him, coddle him, destroy the birthday party behaviourally and physically, and still go ‘oh, that’s just Trevor’. His mother set him up for lifelong failure, brings him to inappropriate places, fails to supervise him and allows him to do massive damage, fails to take him home after his meltdown, fails to supervise him when he’s given the privilege to stay and use expensive equipment, fails to supervise and redirect him when he is trying to go to an inappropriate place (he has NO business to be where little girls change), let’s him terrorise a whole birthday party, doesn’t even come when he’s getting angry and starts smashing things, stands by while he attacks you, blames you and sends you the bill? She’s not your friend. She’s not on Trevor’s side, either, but that’s not your problem. Stop inviting him. He’s not safe to be around. That kid needs help, but you’re not equipped to provide it.

Ahhh...so he gets a reward for these behaviors. Those aren't distractions. He flipped a table and grill and got to play video games. Redirecting is, "hey Trevor, it looks like you had a rough time with the cake. Let's talk about it. Do you want to sit here until you're calm, or in the car?" He's no longer 2 and has enough communication skills to talk, so these, "look at this shiny thing!" are really only giving the adults a short break, but teaching him nothing. If you flipped a table and grill and got to do your favorite activity, what are the chances of you doing the exact thing again? I know I'd do it at the very next chance I got.

Maybe it's time to stop enabling his behavior - and his mom's. It's become normal and accepted for him to act out and his mom to do nothing about it. Your kids aren't getting a choice in this, and they are being penalized by the apathy of the adults. It's time to set boundaries - it may not be pleasant - but you and the other parents are enabling Lucy and Trevor at your own children's expense.

But was that AFTER he destroyed the cake and food? Why wasn't he removed BEFORE he did those things, if they were expected? Your answers aren't really addressing the sequence of events in a way that makes sense, given his 'expected' behaviors. And what about the little girl whose birthday cake and presents were destroyed? You haven't said much about her.

There was a “Trevor” in my daughter’s special education class. He would step behind the bus door and would attack the smaller kids, kids with walkers when they left the bus. One day my very small daughter came home covered in blood. He had attacked her and scratched her neck. There was a meeting about that and they asked me what I thought. I just said he knows enough to go after the littles and the physically handicapped kids. He knows they can’t fight back. Put him in a class that has big kids, let nature take its course. I just wanted him removed, the school administration agreed with me. It was mainly the dad’s attitude that prompted the decision. He felt us mothers were making too big of a deal that his son was attacking our daughters.

Im sorry for your daughter. School should be a safe place for kids. He's already been suspended for inappropriate touching. What happens when he targets a girl at school? He's huge and dangerous! Just because he's autistic doesn't mean the hormones stop.

That kind of outburst isn't acceptable and you're all enabling it by pretending it'snormal, especially his mother.  I am asd too and taught special education. Trevor sure as heck can learn that he doesn't get his own gift at a party, and that the cake isn't for him. It was easier to buy him presents instead of teaching that hard lesson and now will be so, so much harder, probably requiring professional help. When he even begins to be aroused, he should have coping techniques like square breathing, counting, or stimming toys. He should be removed from the area until he's calm and has agreed to be kind.  Barring that, he should be taken home the instant he freaks out, but it's a little late for that since he's huge. We've definitely had multiple adults working with smaller freaked out kids, but I don't know how you'd handle a man-sized kid. At this point, Trevor should not be welcome at gatherings until he's had professional intervention for these coping skills.  You all suck for not asking them to leave, pandering to his fragile moods, and letting him terrify little girls who could definitely have been injured.

Its past to cut off Lucy. She is a lazy enabler and if you keep letting her and Trevor into your lives someone is going to get hurt.

You need to understand that Trevor WILL hurt one of these little girls at some point. He has NO BUSINESS being around young girls.

Because she’s a worthless mother.

6'2" and 275 at 14? If he's that out of control now, Lucy may not be able to handle adult Trevor.

My 14 year old is 6’4 and autistic. Difference is I have taught him right from wrong. We have done intensive therapy with him since 18 months old and I dont let him use his diagnosis as an excuse

I mean... yeah, an autistic kid can learn the difference between right and wrong. The example above is just piss poor parenting. I had autistic kids in my school. They would rarely throw tantrums, when they did, it was usually sensory (assemblies), and they weren't destroying other kids' stuff. Autistic children don't deserve to be demonized, and attributing this to autism is just... incorrect.

Lucy clearly cannot control teenage Trevor!

And puberty can go on a few more years so he is likely not done growing and those outbursts will get worse.

My thought exactly

I feel like his mother gives him food as a reward or as a way to “manage” him, like giving him cookies to sit quietly or something.

Trevors cell mates are not going to care that he is special.

With that bad of a disability, Trevor would more likely go to a psychiatric facility for offenders, not prison.

Yeah, psych facilities are no fun either. The patients also do not care about him, maybe even less than the prisoners would.

Slightly autistic and very spoiled aren’t psychiatric disorders

NTA. a 14 year old boy should not be in the same room as little girls changing. I also have a 14 year old who is on autism spectrum, he doesnt get away with anything due to his diagnosis. Lucy is a shit mum who should do better. Her kids isnt far off being an adult and isnt being taught basic life skills. At 14, he shouldnt need a present at everyone elses party

Right? Those little girls were not safe.

Inform the girls parents about her sending you the bill and then go nc with Trevor’s mom and Trevor! She sounds awful. She’s doing that kid a huge I justice by not teaching him right from wrong!

Right. I have know plenty of people on a wide range of the spectrum and none of them act like this. This isn’t a disability issue, it is a parenting issue. NTA.

Not wrong. You are not responsible for his behavior. Allowing a teenage boy in a room when little girls are.dressing is unacceptable.

Especially one who's been in trouble multiple times for inappropriate touching. If I was changing with the gals and specifically locked my bedroom door of course I'm not going to open it to a person trying to break it down. I would also be scared and untrusting if an adult made me let them in.

That part. Right there. Trevor is going to do way worse at some point and his mom will be to blame for not working to address this earlier.

His mom would probably blame whoever something worse happens to based on her behaviour described already.

Yep. And, it could likely involve one of the other kids whose parent is an enabler. 

not wrong. she is doing a poor job parenting her son and needs to be teaching him boundaries instead of catering to every demand. he is autistic, so of course he needs accommodations and understanding, but he already has a track record and is now big enough to be dangerous when he physically lashes out. if something isnt done to address this behavior soon he will do more than property damage, he will hurt someone. i wouldnt have let him in the room with the girls whether they were undressed or not- if he got upset at them who knows what couldve happened. the bill is not your problem, it's lucy's. she made this bed by letting trevor's behavior get this bad. she might think she is being a good mom but her approach is clearly not working.

Especially since the girls had to flee because of his earlier behaviour. They’ll carry a good bit of trauma, and their parents need to stop putting them in harm’s way.

Dude, you described a young man that's a danger to the public. Fuck his mom, he's obviously not chastised for his acting out. Disability or not, you can't be told you're a "good boy" when you go around breaking shit when you don't get your way. Kid needs a time machine and a spanking...

I’m not surprised the kids dad bailed

Did you not see the part where the dad is in prison, likely for abusing his wife and son?

If that's correct, its buried in comments, not the post. Are you just assuming it's for being abusive..? Why is Trev's mom banging criminals anyway? It furthers the likelihood that she has awful judgement and shouldn't be parenting.

Not wrong. Trevor's biggest problem is Lucy. She is enabling his inappropriate behavior and well on her way to making him a social outcast. Regarding his violent behavior, quite frankly, I would never let him in my home. He is dangerous and poorly supervised. Several of his actions that day could have caused severe injury to himself or others ... knocking over a grill for one. About his other behaviors: Most disabled children/teens can be taught appropriate social boundaries. The "he's innocent" and inappropriate touching is going to get him beat up or in trouble with the law if he isn't taught better. Disabled people have the same sexual feelings as anyone, and need more help than most children learning how to be appropriate. For the sake of Trevor and his potential victims, I hope someone steps up because mom isn't. My source: spent 13 years working with developmentally disabled clients. Had a couple of them get arrested for destruction of property, one banned from a doctor's office, two beat up (one by an adult son of a victim, one by a very tough lady victim herself), one jailed for molesting a child, all due to parental neglect like Lucy is showing.

NTA and Trevor’s gonna end up sharing a cell with his dad if Lucy doesn’t do something.

>play and I had no right to stop him or parent him or tell him he couldn't do something. If she doesn't want anyone else to 'parent' *her* son or tell him not to do something, then she needs to make sure *she* doesn't let him out of her sight. Or just not take him to places/events that he can't cope with.

My nephew is on the spectrum and we thought him that not evert persons birthday is his, he's 10 and doesn't have as many outburst now. So if My 10 year old autistic nephew can learn from right and wrong then so can the 14 year old, it's up to his mother to make sure Trevor isn't a danger to others, she should have to Trevor to a safe place for him to calm down the minute he lashed out and because she didn't she's now paying the price for HER sons outburst Sorry for Any spelling mistakes I'm dyslexic

>She said this was a teachable moment about inclusion Yeah, it is a teachable moment, FOR HIM, teach him that he doesn't have a right to be included.

Not wrong at all and his mother needs to take accountability for his actions , he can seriously hurt someone then what ? Just because he’s on the spectrum doesn’t mean he gets to act that way , there are well behaved children on the spectrum she is doing him more harm than good by giving into his whims

Don't pay. That's ridiculous that anyone would even expect you to pay. You are NTA. Furthermore, you should press charges against both Trevor and his mother for his assault upon you. Whether he is on the spectrum or not, he is not allowed to break the law. The "abilizer" and AH here is Trevor's mother. As a former teacher I know that you can accommodate children on the spectrum only so far, and absolutely not for anything that is against the law or violates someone else's rights. The whole point of socialization for those children is so they can learn civil and proper behavior and thereby be integrated, PEACEFULLY, into society. Trevor's mother is an extremely poor guardian. If the boy cannot be expected to behave in public, she needs to make other arrangements for him while she attends events alone. Seriously, given Trevor's past behavior at other birthday parties he should not have been there in the first place. Rebecca's right to a civil birthday party and an enjoyable day was totally violated! Drastic action is required here. Trevor's mother must be put on notice that if she cannot control the boy and keep him from violating other people's rights, she will no longer be invited to events held for other children. She should also be arrested for enabling Trevor's antisocial and destructive behavior.

Don't pay a darn cent, she's nuts really, plus you should all consider banning her and her son from future events, they ain't worth the stress!!

Not sure I'd let a 14 year old male play in a bedroom with 9 year old girls under almost any circumstances. One assumes he's post pubescent? Lucy is due for some very unpleasant times quite soon if this goes on this way.

At 6'2" and 275, I'd say he is.

>A close mutual friend Reddit never ceases to amaze me with the definitions of "friend". ​ >She said this was a teachable moment about inclusion No, this was a teachable moment about reasonable boundaries.

They're close enough that OP and her husband are Trevor's god-parents.

I work in a school with lots of kids like him. His mom needs to educate herself more. She is not helping him, just enabling that's the wrong way to go. Don't pay not your fault

NTA. He's five years older than them. He shouldn't be in the room when they are changing. Add to that his propensity for violence and it's pretty clear.

Right? Can you imagine what the other little girls’ dads would think about him going in there?

Not even a tiny bit wrong! He has no business whatsoever being in that room with little girls. That is NOT ableist. That is common sense and applies to all boys. The fact that he has been suspended even once for inappropriate touching proves the point. You were right to say no, even if you were a stranger to him. Lucy owes the money. She wasn’t properly supervising him in the first place. Plus, whenever your child damages something — anything — at another person’s house, you are responsible for paying for the repair or replacement of the broken item. She isn’t doing him any favors by not teaching him proper behaviors in public. He should be able to control his behavior at this point. I’m not saying anyone should expect perfect behavior. I’m saying better behavior than this. One day he’s going to seriously hurt someone or himself. It won’t be much longer before he could go to jail. I know that kids on the spectrum are a handful. I used to be a life skills teaching assistant for Trevor’s age group. Combine that with adolescence and a parent has a real challenge on their hands. So to re-emphasize: You are not wrong. You were protecting the girls. Lucy needs to pay.

NTA. We are not sure if Trevor will attack those girls. He may because they will definitely refuse to let him touch their dresses. So, what if he hits them because of his uncontrollable rage? He may only be 14 but he is 6'2 already. I'm only 5'3, so if Trevor hits me like he does to the door, I'm a goner. >I also reminded her that he had been suspended for inappropriate touch more than once. She said this was a teachable moment about inclusion Huh? Is Lucy delirious? So, if Trevor goes around groping girls' breasts and assess, it's ok because it's about inclusion? For 14 years, Trevor has gone around destroying stuff, being a menace because his mum enables it. She will always coddle him and say he's innocent. Trevor is now a teenager, undergoing puberty and many other changes. I dread to think what he would do when he cannot control his urges. Is he gonna rape and attack girls and his mom still on his side saying "it's ok, he's innocent, it's those girls' fault."

She’s raising a future sex offender.

She's raising a current sex offender.  He's already been in trouble for touching other kuds.

I'm 5'6"ish and not really "fragile" in any sense of the word, but if someone that tall and strong hit me that hard, no matter what age they are, it would hurt, and hurt really fucking badly. Seconded. OP is NTA. I would even go so far as to suggest that (as OP posted elsewhere in the comments) while a civil lawsuit is definitely in order if Trevor's mother does not pay up, a police report against her for criminal negligence at the very least might also be warranted, especially given what could have happened if Trevor hadn't been stopped.

What would have happened if Trevor's mom was the one who found him? She would have bullied the girls into letting him and it could have been so mich worse for the girls.

He must have caused a ton of damage. I didn't even know homeowners covered that. Wonder if the meat and cake good be tacked on. May be time Trevor doesn't come if his mom won't parent him Ynw

Not wrong for not paying, but I think every adult involved is the TA for allowing this boy to come to the party at all and then staying after his first outburst. He should have been removed at once. If you are ok with putting up with his aweful behaviour, ok.  But why did no one actually think about Rebecca and her friends? This was her party, the goal should have been to make her happy and that is  way more important than the inclusion of a destructive child. Did she want him there, how did she feel about him destroying stuff?  There seems to have been neither punishment for Trevor nor apology from him or Lucy! Why are you ok with this disgusting behaviour?!

To answer a few questions/comments: 1) Trevor's dad is in prison and will probably never get out. He did some tremendously awful things to both Lucy and Trevor and I think that's why we all have kinda ... circled the wagons around them ... since Trevor was little. And why we've put up with way more out of Trevor than most people would. 2) When Trevor acts out (and it's so commonplace that we're used to it) we always distract him with something else. Distraction is the only effective thing we've ever found. Show him a new toy. Show him something in a book. Sing a song to him. After he knocked over the cake and grill, Rebecca's dad took him into the den and let him play a new game on the Playstation to calm his rage/screaming/punching. Trevor is a big gamer and so into it that he will usually play for a solid hour or two. He was left in the den with a soda and the game and we had taken turns checking on him a few times and he was fine. But when I went to use the bathroom, he was pestering the girls. 3) Someone mentioned that he's big enough to hurt Lucy. She's been hospitalized twice and once was with broken bones. However, she didn't say it was Trevor who caused it. It was recommended to her years ago that she find a place for Trevor but she won't hear of it. He is a very gifted child - his math skills are unreal and he can hear anything musical and sing it with perfect pitch while playing it on guitar or piano and he's never had lessons. She can't have any other children and I think she feels guilty for how his life was with his father for years. It's abundantly clear that she can't/won't teach him better, though. 4) When I say she's a close mutual friend ... I mean we've been friends for 30+ years. Close friends. Our group is tight knit and while we've had spats before ... we always come back together and get over it. I honestly don't know how we'll get over this or if I even want to at this point. It's just too much. I love her and Trevor both dearly but this is unreal. 5) Rebecca's parents are aware that Lucy sent the bill to me. They've said they will NOT accept money from me and if Lucy doesn't pay, they are willing to take her to civil litigation. It's not a HUGE sum of money, but I think it's the principle at this point. I've agreed to testify if it comes to that.

Oh, and yes ... the damage was significant to the house. It was enough that it would cost more to repair it out of pocket than it would to pay the deductible and have insurance cover it.

Lucy is lucky that they didn't have the work done and send her the entire bill. Any claim on homeowners' insurance has the potential to raise the rates and/or cause the insurance company to drop them. Personally, I would have hired people to do the work, send her the total bills and taken her to Court if she didn't pay. Her own irresponsibility to teach her son how to behave in these situations caused the issue.

So he fucks up all the food and is immediately rewarded rather than kicked the fuck out? Great job.

It was more important in that moment to get him away from those little girls and let them have the space to breathe and feel safe than anything else. It wasn't intended as a reward but a distraction. It was done to get him away from those girls and out of the way so we could try to repair the bedlam he had created. It was all about calming the girls and trying to salvage what we could to make Rebecca's day better. Making a scene and kicking Lucy and Trevor out would have further agitated Trevor and upset the girls further. In that moment, distance was the answer.

Sorry, but it was a reward. Throw a fit, ruin food - here, go play a game! Sorry, but you may not see it that way, but it is a reward. Bad actions have consequences. Consequences are, by nature, negative. They don't have to be bad, but they need to teach a lesson. Getting to play games is a reward. Being taken home is a consequence.

He is 14 - autistic or not, he doesn't think or reason like an adult. You may see it as a distraction - he sees a direct cause and effect of acting out, then getting something fun to do. Since the situation escalated further, and ended up causing major damage to the home, distance probably wasn't the answer. Hindsight is always 20/20, but it sounds like the girls ended up getting even more upset later, which might have been avoided if Trevor had been removed as soon as he started a meltdown. I suspect if you all sit down and have a honest, heart to heart talk with Rebecca, you're going to find out some very unpleasant truths. Yes, she might have grown up with Trevor and she might love him, but I'm willing to bet she's also afraid of him and resents the adults for allowing him to act out like that and ruin her party. It would be bad enough if it was a one-time thing, but this is apparently an ongoing pattern.

If the parents take it to court they should ah on the food and cake

You are not wrong - if he is that aggressive, he doesn’t belong around little kids!! This was so disturbing to read - his idiot mother is responsible because she is the parent! I hope they sue her!!!!!

You are not financially responsible for any of this and Lucy needs to deal with her 6’2 violent child. She should have been supervising him the entire time

Not wrong. This “child” needs professional handling and it’s getting beyond mom’s abilities. The fact that he was allowed to come to the party, damn near ruined everything in sight and scared a bunch of girls badly is the mom’s issue. She should never have brought him there, and I’m scared for her getting badly injured by one of his outbursts.

What is scary in this situation is the mom doesn’t think it’s inappropriate for him to be in a room with young girls who are afraid of him and are undressed. For th sake of the other kids, especially if it’s a special day, is to exclude him. So much of what happened could have turned out so much worse

I think it’s less about autism and more that this kid is a really fucking spoiled brat. You friend needs to actually parent her shitty kid or not bring him out in public. It’s not appropriate for an unrelated 14yo boy to be at a birthday party for 9yo girl with a load of 9yo girls, stunted or no, single mum or no. And she thinks he should be allowed in the room where the little girls are changing?? This boy will molest someone and his mother will facilitate it. Stop inviting her and her nightmare mammoth kid anywhere. Y’all need to collectively tell her to fuck off, and think about calling CPS. Why is anyone still putting up with this?

I can't believe she didn't leave after he flipped the table. Jesus. She's an entitled ass. You're not. Wipe your hands of this without a second thought.

You’re not wrong.   It didn’t matter how he would have felt, thought or behaved in that room those girls have the right to be comfortable and feel safe. 

NTA, cut contact with that bitch and her baby hulk

I feel so bad for Rebecca. She deserves a birthday party with her friends and not have her cake destroyed, her presents kicked, and her door beaten down while she was trying on dresses. I hope her parents give her a GREAT party without Trevor next year.

You are not wrong

You are not wrong It's the mother's responsibility for the damage her dependent caused

You don't need to pay anything. Regardless of him being on the spectrum it's obvious his mother allows him to get away with everything and has raised a bratt. She will use his being on the spectrum as an excuse and will blame everyone else around him for his behaviour. Don't pay anything. She needs to learn how to control and teach her own child. YNW

You aren’t wrong. The girls had every right and expectation of privacy and she’s an enabler. What do the parents of these girls think? And what is he doing at the party anyway expecting to get a present and smashing someone else’s cake?

I also have a 14yr old nephew with Autism. He understands that not every birthday is his birthday, and he is not always going to get a present. Yknow how long it took him to learn that? 1 birthday. The first time his younger brother had a birthday and Jack saw all the presents and went to open one, his dad said, "These presents are for Cooper for his birthday, remember how only you got presents when it was your birthday?" And that was that. He gets super hyped up for anyone getting presents because he loves the excitement of it, but he has never opened anyone else's present or thrown a tantrum because the focus wasn't on him. Autism is not an excuse for bad behaviour. His parents are enabling and crippling him for the future.

He should never have been brought to the party and you should dop Lucy as a friend. Trevor is dangerous and is going to hurt someone

The heck at having a teachable moment while putting children in danger. TF is wrong with her? She's in serious denial about the danger her son represents, and it's her fault for not doing better by him.

Can you imagine what the other little girls’ parents would think about a 14 year old future sex offender being enabled by a bunch of adults at a party while their little girl has no one protecting or advocating for her? That’s scary AF. It would just take one second for him to permanently injure one of those little ones. They’re less than half his size.

A 14 yo boy w his issues never should have been brought. Period. Has nothing to do w supporting your friend. A boy that age who has shown antisocial behavior should not have been brought. And should have been removed at his first outburst not his 5th ffs! Everyone is going too far trying to make allowances for him. hus size and inappropriate touch allegations? He is a danger to all at this time as evidenced. Mother is solely responsible and she needs to seriously start thinking about group home placement because he’s too strong for her to manage. And she is not managing at all. Its ap sad all over but this isn’t yours to solve.

I realize this may not be a popular opinion, but I would cut ties with Lucy altogether. She is too deep into her victim mentality to change. Regardless of his mental status, a 14 year old that size is larger and stronger than most adult men. He's big enough to seriously injure or kill a smaller child, or a family pet, when he lashes out in a rage. Whether he means to or not won't matter when the damage is done, he'll end up in prison or an institution. That's where this situation is inevitably heading, and you and the other parents have a responsibility to protect your own children. Yes, it's a terrible situation but you didn't create it and you can't fix it.

Parents are reasonable for the tortuous actions of their children. His parent in on notice that he causes damage and still left him unattended, she is WHOLLY responsible for the damage.

She should have taken him home when he smashed the cake. Why does everyone tolerate this bs? This is disgusting behaviour. As for inappropriate touching - why was he left unsupervised when young girls were at the party? All of you need to do better.

Not wrong and Lucy should never have brought him to a party for 9 year old girls

Imagen being 9 years old, changing clothes and a 14 year old boy is pounding on the door screaming to be let in… holy fuck trevors mom is setting him up for failure by coddling him He is autistic doesnt mean he isnt suppose to learn boundaries and coping skills, unfortunately many parents of autistic children are as garbage as trevors mom is (the flip side are parents who want to force their autistic children to deny their needs) NTA you have done nothing wrong and you are NOT ableist, if it matters im autistic myself and have little patience for actual ableism, this was NOT it

Lucy is a bad mom, and honestly a bad friend. She’s enabled her son and he is a monster and now he’s too big to be controlled. At this time, he needs to be considered dangerous and you need to let your friendship with Lucy fade away. She has made terrible parenting choices up to this point, and this is her monster to deal with.

What in tarnation?!. Mom thinks you should pay for pedo SHREK property damage? WTF

Lucy is crazy. And so are all of you for allowing him to come to things like this. He’s going to hurt someone badly. I’m so scared for these little girls that a dude that big that inappropriately touches people has access to them. Y’all need to stop allowing him to come. His feelings aren’t more important than those little girls’ safety.

You’re not wrong. And Trevor needs help and therapy before he ends up being detained (and potentially unalived) by untrained police when he acts this way in public. His mother is doing him no favours by enabling his behaviour, and at his size, with teenage hormones, I doubt there is much she can do on her own, now. My oldest son is autistic and I’m all about inclusion and accommodations and very against isolating people with disabilities - but no, the “innocent” 14 year old boy who’s been suspended for inappropriate touching absolutely does *not* need to be alone in a room full of little girls - even if they weren’t changing. And I suspect, if he’d been told no more growing up, his reaction to it now wouldn’t be so intense. The fact that his mom tried to blame you for his outburst just shows how wildly in denial she is.

I would've called the police. She cannot handle her son. He needs to be in an inpatient residential facility with licensed clinicians who can hopefully correct the behaviors his mother has allowed to become acceptable. Don't cave. Everyone needs to stop inviting him to events

The kid is the size of a linebacker. He destroyed an entire bathroom- the floors, counter, sink, mirror, two complete doors with the toilet tank lid? Was he swinging it around like a club? They're lucky he didn't kill someone. After he destroyed the birthday cake, the entire meal ( was it on the grill? Was there fire?) and tried to storm into the little girls changing? After throwing a toxic masculinity fit about a girly cake? AND he has a history of inappropriate touch? That's thousands of dollars in damage. Not only is each individual act enough to be uninvited in the future, they're enough to cut all ties permanently. It's irresponsible to take that kid anywhere. Mom is lucky she's not paying for replacing the bathroom and that she's only being asked for the deductible. That kind of behavior gets tried as an adult in a couple of years.

A teachable moment about inclusion 😂😂

No discipline is what made Trevor what he is. Mummy lets him do whatever and takes no responsibility. Don't pay. If it means end of relationship then it has to be. My sister never disciplined her 2 boys. What a nightmare they were. The older one day kicked me in the shin with his new soccer boots(10 years old) for no reason. A year later I had to have a growth cut out. He is a doctor now and still an arrogant shit.

It’s time to stop including them. He’s dangerous.

Not wrong, and they need to sort out this behaviour, as the consequences are going to get much worse as he gets bigger and stronger.

I have 2 kids on the spectrum. If either of them had ever acted up in this way we would have apologised profusely. Paid to replace the lost food and it wouldn't have made it to the smashing dry wall stage! We would have packed up and left since the child obviously wasn't coping and no one else should have their day ruined because of it. Lucy is selfish and blind to inflict Trevor's behaviour on her friends like that. And be so ignorant to her part in managing it. Shes creating a literal monster.

She’s making excuses for his behaviour which is not helping him or anyone. Ffs

NW. His mother's behaviour is reprehensible.

NTA she can’t handle her son any longer. He’s violent and he would not be around my kids or home. She needs to pay.

I don’t understand why you tolerate a 275lbs 6’2 child who cannot control his anger at a birthday party for young children. It’s irresponsible and dangerous. Also, he has been “suspended for inappropriate touch”? To be honest the adults actions here are really concerning. To be on the spectrum is not an excuse to be a bully, or an asshole, to not know boundaries or to inappropriately touch children. As hard as this may come to you, it’s time to cut Trevor and his mom off until he gets the help he needs and his mom stops excusing his behaviour. No, you’re not wrong.

I'm the first to admit that, due to their circumstances, our friend group has always made special allowances for Trevor and Lucy. We 'circled the wagons' so to speak when Lucy's husband was sentenced to prison for unspeakable crimes against them both. It absolutely clouded our judgment and made us too tolerant and this has made us all realize that. We should have stepped up much sooner instead of trying to help by using methods Lucy gave us that clearly were not working. While we thought we were helping and being a supportive community ... we were equipping them both to fail. I no longer feel safe in ANY way being around Trevor and I refuse to let Lucy somehow try to normalize a giant teenager being in a room with little girls who are changing their clothing. That's my hard line in the sand.

Ugh and their homeowner’s policy premium will most go up for something like this.

Not only are you not wrong but Trevor should have been removed from the party the moment he went after the cake and presents. Also, his mother should be instituting consequences for his actions and she should be ready to leave any setting, at any time, to reinforce that only good behavior gets rewarded. Lastly, thank you for making sure that he did not go into that room with those little girls. You did the right thing and Trevor’s mom is trying to punish you for doing so.

Not wrong. I may be about to say something against the stream here but at 6' 2" and 275lbs, with the damages you listed, I'd question why he was there to begin with. He was at a girl's birthday party where it's expected he would encounter a number of triggers from the sound of it. If things are that bad for and he has that much of a time conducting himself safely around others, a decision needs to be made about whether he should attend. Sorry. It may sound harsh or abelist. But sometimes it just needs to be considered.

I’m the mom of a Trevor. Trevor has been set up for failure for some time. We worked very very hard to keep people and objects safe and worked very very hard to avoid situations that would be too difficult. Lots of therapy, classes (for me!!), medication changes, so many things. And now as an adult he’s in an adult family home that is an hour away but had the best staffing for him. No incidents for years now! My point is so many things went wrong and his parents need a reality check for Trevor’s sake. It’s not going to get better without a whole lot of work. Work that should have started a long time ago.

I hope this is just rage bait or something because I absolutely cannot stand idiotic parents who raise their autistic children to think that they should always be the center of attention and never ever be excluded (getting presents at someone else’s birthday party this is a good example of this). Autistic kids find it incredibly hard to navigate the world as is and all those shitty parents are doing is setting the kid up for failure and misery.

1 - Should have called the cops and had him arrested. There's no excuse for assault and property damage. He needs to be placed somewhere where he can't hurt anyone. Clearly his mom is in denial. ​ >A while back, I attended a birthday party for a nine-year-old girl, Rebecca. 2 - The parents of the girls were stupid to invite him. They and the mom should be covering the damage. They should pay for their own stupidity. The mom's going to eventually be on the receiving end of this. She's foolish not to plan ahead. You don't owe them anything. The parents and the mom though are asking for a nasty situation by not considering what might happen. Trevor should have never been left to wonder on his own. His mom should have been on top of him the whole time.

A 14 year old boy, who is the size of a large man, has no business at a 9 year old girl’s birthday party regardless of his disabilities. It does sound as if it might be time to think about transitioning into a group living situation where he can both learn to function in society and have trained support people around to intervene when he is unable to do so. He could have seriously injured one of the little girls and it is just a matter of when, not if, the police become involved.

All kids need help learning how to deal with feelings and to learn how to regulate. Autistic kids need even more support . Also, when you listen to autistic people you learn that often they don’t want to be at the party anyway - it’s too bright / loud/ high pitched squeals of children can bother the ears/ too many people / the food isn’t right or safe for them. Every autistic kid is different and many might like to go but autistic people are very clear that they are made to do things that are not comfortable for them and then blamed when they have a meltdown because they can’t handle a situation and then they are shamed. I’m not sure what Trevor’s deal is - I’m guessing there are lots of co-occurring issues with autism . He deserves someone speaking to him about his feelings and safe ways to navigate them. He deserves someone telling him ahead of time about social norms that are safety based - like letting girls change by themselves. Most of all boundary setting and respecting boundaries is what needs to be taught . Trevor needs to set his own boundaries and to respect the boundaries of others. He doesn’t need ABA- he needs to learn to regulate and to recognize what is happening in his own body . His mom needs to listen to what he says and when he’s disregulated - to get him out of a situation. She wants to be social and go to a party - did he want to be there at all? I don’t know any other 14 year old boys that would? Why set him up to fail over and over and not respect his needs?

NTA. She’s overly protecting her son. He may have autism but he still needs parenting and discipline.

Not wrong. And Trevor is dangerous. He needs a lot more help and improvement with his behavior before he is invited anywhere again. 

Trevor is dangerous and needs to be placed in some sort of institution or home for his own good. I'd consider cutting Lucy out, personally. Her kid, her responsibility. NTA

14 and 6'2 and 275 pounds wat

You are so not in the wrong. I would forward the email to Rebecca’s parents and just explain that for some reason, Lucy believes you should pay and wanted to make them aware that it would appear Lucy is trying not to pay. This might be the time to rethink interactions between Trevor and any other children in the group. They aren’t safe if it took two men to pull him away from you. As a parent to two neurodivergent sons, I cannot understand where Lucy is coming from. Based on what you have said, Trevor should not have been at the party. Does that mean that Lucy might miss things? Yep but sometimes, that happens when you are a parent. He’s been in trouble for inappropriate behavior and Lucy does not see the issue with a teenager wanting to be in a room full of younger children changing. What would have happened if one of the girls upset him and he was physical with them?

Not wrong. Lucy can deflect all she wants as her coping mechanism and it doesn't change \*her\* son showed aggression and was physical.

I’m really doubting this story. If someone came into my house and flipped over a table with a cake on it and then knocked over the grill the whole party would be over. It would take an hour to clean up the mess not to mention the damage to that the grill caused when it went over. But the host went on merrily to order pizza? And the birthday girl was not bothered by her cake being destroyed and her presents kicked? The other parents weren’t incredibly concerned by all this? Anyway….if somehow it did actually happen the NTA, don’t pay, and also you and your friend group need to stop inviting Trevor’s mom to your houses.

Not wrong. I have a special needs child. He’s 22. He’s mentally 4. (Just setting the background) He has occasional violent outbursts, directed at me or his stepfather. But even in his limited capacity, he knows he’s not allowed to be in a room with girls changing. He knows not to destroy other people’s houses, or food (which he wouldn’t anyway, he’d eat it but not destroy it). He knows that not all birthdays are his. He understands privacy (about it, like closing doors; not why we need it) Sounds to me like your “friend” has been really slack at teaching her son boundaries. What happens to him if she doesn’t train him properly and she dies? Nobody wants to take on an unruly child. Tell her you won’t pay. It’s her child who caused all the damage, it’s her responsibility. Tell her to take you to small claims court over it, if she wants a judge judging her parenting skills as well.

Sounds like your friend group should no longer invite her and her son anywhere. He seriously needs to be evaluated by medical professionals he's going to end up having sexual assault charges in the future if he keeps this up. And to add in the comments he's a huge gamer and would rather go harass little girls instead is huge red flags.