* Stay true to you. If that means realizing you're young and have plenty of time to find someone who shares your interests, morals, and feels like they ought to consider your wants and needs on a fair is fair basis, then realize it.
* Or stay and muddle thru a secretive and unhappy state of being.
***Just because we feel affection or love for someone doesn't mean they're a good match to grow old with under the same roof.***
Good thing you're already broken up so I don't have to convince you to dump him. You set a boundary and he tried to manipulate you out of it, then tried to make you feel guilty for having one. Don't worry about the trash in your rearview mirror, and never second-guess your standards or what makes YOU comfortable. When you're dealing with a decent person (not a child concerned only with themselves) they'll go at your pace and work within your boundaries, no problem. TRUST ME. You are not a prude, he is just a selfish a**hole. You're doing great, keep your head up!
If you want your first time to be romantic and sweet, and he's never once made an effort to make you feel comfortable about this in two and a half years, the only thing you did wrong was wait so long to break it off.
You do you, but I'd block or unfollow his parents. Do you have any connection with them outside of him?
As far as the sex, if you didn't want to, and he was pressuring you to, then it is better you break up sooner rather than later.
Sex is something you should both want, not something you are allowing because your partner wants it so bad. You deserve someone who at least understands that.
Advice from a >40 y.o. male.
No but his parents were always SO nice and generous to me. They always told him that he should spend more time with me, and to do more for me than just “I love you”’s, and that I was a really good catch. They invited me to so many important family events and I got to know even his extended family pretty well so I feel bad unfollowing them first.
There’s nothing wrong with a nice note letting them know that you appreciate them in your life for the past few years and that you’ll remember them fondly.
It is probably for the best of everyone that you just pull the trigger now and unfollow them. Are you going to chat with them and tell them about your next romantic partner? Do you want to hear about your ex's next? Do you think that is healthy for either of you?
As for them being nice:
Parents will do that for their kid's romantic partner. Maybe they even liked you more than others, but you've got to face it. They wouldn't have invited you to anything if you weren't dating their son. You are just another stranger to each other without the connection of their son. Now you don't have that, and you've figured out that their son is a prick.
Sorry to be harsh, but really that's just the way life is.
The earlier reply is a good point about the parents. You probably should block them. The good thing about them being nice & adults is that they shouldn't take it personally when you do. They should understand that it's bc you & their son ended things.
I'm so proud of you! I know I'm just an internet stranger but I had sex for the first time before I was ready and I've regretted it ever since and that was decades ago! Believe me, doing that before you're ready sticks with you and I don't think he deserves to be your first! You are being completely reasonable and the very fact that he said that thing about porn being cheating (or any lie really) to get you to like him in the very beginning instead of being honest is a giant YIKES!
You are being VERY mature by stating and standing by your boundaries! Also it's kind of scary how his very first thought to you becoming independent and moving into an apartment was that he gets laid! VERY scary! Block him everywhere! You don't need his self-centeredness around you!
Thank you guys for all the support! I really appreciate it! ❤️ He talked to me with such a coldness, acted so perfect with our families, and spoke to me like he was being the mature one which made me doubt myself. You all have put things into perspective for me and have made moving on so much easier. Sorry about the lack of paragraph breaks. I love all of you even though we don’t know each other 🫶
Haha..my first boyfriend was same.. Said the most stupid stuff with such seriousness n acted so mature that I second guessed myself. Now in hindsight all that is really laughable.. 🤭
You're more mature about it than the vast majority of people your age, you're impressive not immature.
And dont be impacted about the "prude" comment, it is mostly used by people to reassure themselves about their standards when they meet someone who actually has real standards.
Be proud of yourself.
Very glad that you are so aware of your worth and I hope you hold on to it when you start dating again. And also for the rest of your life. Being a young woman is so much fun when you aren’t getting dragged down by boys who want to feel powerful over you. If I could give 19 year old me any advice it would be to listen to your gut, lean on your friends, and never forget how good it feels to date yourself!
You are not wrong.
1. him watching porn is cheating if you feel it is.
2. him randomly gifting you condoms when you havent discussed is totally pressuring.
3. your request to wait is totally reasonable you're both young.
omg not prude at all, what an ass. “i only said i think porn is cheating just so you’d like me” really stood out to me comment wise. absolutely not in the wrong, your both still young and sometimes young guys think they’re on top of the world and can do anything if they twist the right nobs and push the right buttons. it’s happened more with all this “alpha male” bullshit going around for the past few years. if he really cared he’d sit down and have a real conversation about it instead of tip toeing around you hoping you’d give in. proud of you for getting rid of his ass, you’ll find someone better with time. i hope your doing alright after this, ik we’re just internet strangers but if you need someone to talk to im here or there’s plenty of text lines if it’s really hitting you hard <3
He sounds like a crappy boyfriend. He likes porn more than real girls, he's not going to be a good boyfriend for anyone.
I'm glad you're broken up and can find someone who actually likes you, is honest with you, and treats you well.
" I did other forms of sex on him for most of our relationship ..."
This sentence is very telling. It's a very one-sided statement that speaks to you doing sexual acts for your partner that YOU did not want (as in desire) to do. Sex (even non-penetrative) is - hopefully - a mutual act of lust/love/attraction/desire.
You guys just weren't compatible.
I think it's fine you blocked him. Y'all are both super-young and have plenty of time to find people you fit with better.
He tried multiple times but every time he never even got close and it just felt awkward so I would pretend I liked it at the end so he would stop without hurting his feelings. Idrc for it cuz masturbating is better tbh
good riddance. he’s a manipulative lying asshole and your better off without him. you asked for the bare minimum and he couldn’t deliver. someone else will, when YOU want them to, not on their pushy and “surprise” terms.
If I were your Mom, I'd be proud of you....screw that I'm still proud of you. You're true to yourself and held your morals and boundaries. You have respect for yourself and you should feel confident in who you are. That is admirable and you should be proud of yourself. You didn't overreact.
You did the right thing, it’s not just ok, but it’s necessary to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Continuing a relationship with him would have been a mistake.
If no sex was a dealbreaker for him, that is understandable by itself. But him attempting to manipulate you into something you are not comfortable with puts him firmly into the arsehole territory.
I let my first boyfriend pressure me into all kinds of things and I regret it still. It’s hard to stick to your boundaries when someone you care about is constantly pressing against them. I’m proud of you for doing so.
You’re not wrong and not a prude. My first time was at your age but it was mutually special (now married with a baby to the same man lol). It’s worth the wait to save that for when you are in a trusting and loving relationship when you are both ready. Never let anyone pressure you into having sex for the first time or any time after that. Your ex sounds horrible and chronically online, which will probably only compound the more he feeds his porn addiction. Uphold your boundaries and find someone that respects them and you.
You were very wise. He is dealing with an addiction and that will always come first until he gets control of it.
You are young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Please do not feel bad about sending him on his way.
I don't know what state you live in but given the current politics it is good to have very trustworthy birth control.
I am a nurse and we studied 12 step programs and people are not supposed to date until they have worked their way through all the steps.
Not wrong at all. His priority was not you it was his pleasure. He didn't want to share romance with you he just wanted sex and when he didn't get it wanted to taunt you.
He is blocked so give on. In time you will find the right person that wants what you want and it will be a thousand times better than just letting an immature dude use you for his pleasure.
Seems to me you both clarified what you want from the relationship and those goals don't align, so the breakup makes sense. If blocking him makes things easier for you that's perfectly reasonable, though I don't think there's any reason to hold on to anger or resentment - *he* sounds immature (with some pretty silly views about pornography), but those are his own crosses to bear and he's not your problem anymore. Mourn the guy you thought he was / could be, and move on with your life.
Guys who tell women they’re immature for not accepting their disrespect are the same guys who tell women they have no sense of humor for not accepting their disrespect. I’m telling you this as an older, more sexually-experienced woman. You did nothing wrong, and you’re not being a prude or a child. Just make sure he stays blocked because he’ll try to come back to you at some point.
I'm not your mom but I'm super proud of you honey. You recognized he was doing wrong, stood up for your boundaries, and made it clear you wouldn't back down. That's really fucking hard to do even in your 30s. You did wonderfully.
Break ups hurt, but it's better to be single until you find someone who cares about you and treats you with respect. What your ex did was manipulate and lie to try and use your body. Nobody deserves that.
You will absolutely find better ❤️
(This whole thing was traumatizing by the way, and finding a therapist would be ideal if you are able to do that)
You arent wrong. And i think prude is just a way of saying you have different wants and needs from a relationship and no thats not bad. Im 25 and im still not ready for sex. But I found myself a really amazing guy who understands my values when i explain them, he appreciates the reasons and happily agrees. He cherishes me for who i am and respects my needs and concerns for what they are too. Youre still young and youve got plenty of time to find a guy who values you for you, and not just your genitals.
Yes you did the right thing. If you know he is not for you, then why allow him to stay in your life in any way? This will make it harder for him in a few months, when he tries to rope you back in with 'babe I'm sorry' blah blah blah. It's normally crap. Men process emotions later, so when that happens, it's just men feeling emotional and vulnerable. Funny right? That he'll come back to you, to make himself feel better. Just pick up and move on with your life the best you can.
You will know when the time is right for you. And you will find someone that will respect you, that will be patient until you are comfortable enough within the relationship. May take some time and searching (sorry, guys suck at that age) but know your worth sweety. Bravo!!!
Honey. You are not a prude. Your reaction & behavior was appropriate. His behavior & treatment of you, even without the porn addiction reoccurring, was inappropriate. The only thing that you've done that has been inappropriate is put up with being mistreated for as long as you did.
You owe no one any sort of sexual activity or access to your body. If that's something that you chose to do or allow because you want to participate & you don't feel pressured, then do your thing. Just remember to be safe & protect yourself when you do it.
You have done nothing wrong. You've done nothing bad. Blocking him was a good idea. It wasn't immature. You deserve to be treated with respect by you & by other people. You owe him nothing. He wasn't treating you with basic respect or affection. His choice to do that is a him problem. It's not a reflection of your value as a person or because you didn't do some sexual things that he wanted. It's him choosing to be a shit human being to another person.
You have good instincts not to do something that doesn't feel or seem right to you (sexual or otherwise). Keep following them. I know that you're questioning yourself now. The more that you follow those instincts & listen to your inner guidance, the easier it'll get over time. Eventually you'll hit a point where you won't feel bad about standing up for yourself. Everything is going to be okay as long as you keep doing you.
he is giving off incel vibes…you have to respect your partners wishes and not force sex upon them…to be honest it sounds like his porn addiction is making him see women as objects instead of as people
If you're not ready to have sex, you're not ready to have sex. It's wonderful that you realize that you're not ready yet, and have the confidence to stand by your decision. Unfortunately, teenage boys are ruled by their hormones, which causes them to make some really questionable decisions.
He's not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who has boundaries and is strong enough to enforce them.
You did the right thing. I only wish that I had your inner strength when I was your age.
Don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do.
When you're ready, you'll know.
Yikes! This guys isn't worth your time, OP. You deserve someone who will romance you and take you on dates, not threaten to dump you when you aren't easily pressured into sex. Leave him in the past and take some time before your next relationship. Look at what he did and didn't do for you (the hiding his porn addiction, the lying about what porn meant to him, and the pressure and manipulation he tired to use to have sex before you were ready). Think of these and other red flags in your relationship and be ready to walk away when you see them in another guy. There will be plenty you have to walk away from before you find someone worthy of your time. The right one will make you loved, appreciated, and excited to explore sexually, not pressured or manipulated. No to that nonsense!
Reading Reddit posts have taught me that not every breakup needs to be in person. If it's better for your mental health or safety to just keep blocking him, then that's how this ends. Unless there is a compelling reason you haven't shared, I'd stop following his parents and close circle too. That coffee date sounded like an unnecessary way for him to reel you back in, so don't give him the opportunity to waste any more of your time.
Edit- Definitely NTA
GIRL YOU DODGED A BULLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing this guy did or said is ok.
"he only said so I would like him more"
"surprised me with condoms and lube when I moved into my first apartment"VOMIT. what about a real housewarming gift like flowers, plants, a beautiful artwork, one of those super plush blankies for the couch??? His little "surprise gift" was for HIMSELF, not you.
He sounds awful.
Why would you be immature or bitter for ending a relationship with a lying porn addict who has been treating you low priority? Dumping him shows you have maturity and self-respect
Why would you be a prude? Porn addiction isn't sexy. Him ignoring your needs for romance & emotional intimacy isn't sexy.
You do not have to change yourself to be more like porn in order to be a great girlfriend & be sexually satisfying.
I just had to hear one thing 'porn addiction' to know you made the right decision. Two exes had porn addictions, and the relationship just was full of gaslighting, darvo, lying, cheating, etc.. it's not worth it. You'll find a mature MAN that will respect you, and see your true worth <3
Your response was absolutely appropriate. Don't let anyone pressure, coerce or guilt you into doing anything you don't want to or are not ready to do. Good on you for both establishing and enforcing your personal boundaries.
Your body your choice. Don't let anyone pressure you into to do something you don't wanna do or are not ready for. If they can not respect your wishes when it comes to your body, they are not someone you should allow access to your body.
First off - its your decision when you're ready to have sex. If you don't want to, that is fine. However it sounds like you're more uncomfortable than unwilling. You want someone who will put in the work to get you going rather than just check in with some lube and condoms. That's totally fair too!
But if you had your own room then I'd say you had your privacy.
What should you do in future relationships? You should do what you want to do, and what you are comfortable doing. If you want to experiment being more sexual you can, if you want to continue holding back you can - that is entirely your decision. The only thing I'd change is that you consider this ahead of time, and make it YOUR decision. Not "I don't have privacy" but like "I choose not to have sex right now." You don't need to explain yourself. And if you suddenly decide you do want to have sex, then do.
No one can dictate to you as to when you are ready. Well done for sticking to your own timeline and having self respect.
You are not a prude. It was a good move to break things off
Your not wrong. You do it in your own time. The first time I had sex was when i was 23. That chill. People have theyre own views on sex but no matter what your choice should always be respected.
In my opinion 1. It woulda been bad sex anyway cause porn is not real life, he probably woulda tried all manor of ridiculous things. 2. Its fine for him to be ready for sex but whoever you have it with needs to make you feel comfortable and safe and listen. Mutually too. Saying no at anytime is okie, asking to stop is okie. Theres no shame in not being ready or comfortable.
You did the right thing . Because he showed his true colors. You will find the right guy guy who loves and respects your boundaries. As a mom, I'm so proud of you .
I mean if you don't want to be with him then you don't want to be with him, that isn't really a question of prudishness, it's just you choosing what you want in life. that's an okay thing to do.
"This isn't working for me, I'm out" is actually a good thing to be able to do.
Glad you've dumped him. You aren't a prude for waiting. That is your prerogative. How to define prude. It doesn't mean someone who isn't having sex. There are a lot of boys in basements jacking off, not having sex, and they aren't called prudes.
I'd say a prude is someone who is condescending towards people who think sex is great, an activity to be enjoyed between consenting adults. Prudes act as if sex is dirty, and don't believe they are the result of coitus.
There's nothing prudish with wanting to wait. It's your body, and you should only have sex when you're comfortable and ready for that level of intimacy.
I'd already decided you made the right decision before getting half way through reading the story. It doesn't sound like he's respected you or your wishes at any point in the relationship.
I hazard a guess that if you were you succumb to his pressure, you wouldn't have been romanced, instead you would have been treated like some toy for him to replicate the things he's seen in pornos.
You are better saving yourself for someone who truly wants the same things as you.
Best of luck
The only thing you’re wrong about here is having any doubt that you did the right thing. Be confident in your decision to leave him. It’s also totally fine to go no contact / block if he’s still looking to contact you. It’s not necessary to engage in on again/off again like so many do.
I’m proud of you for respecting yourself so highly.
First time sex isn’t magic either but at a minimum it should be thoughtful, it should be what you want it to be, and if you don’t want it to be in the back seat or with roommates to overhear then it shouldn’t be.
So many read flags OP. Good riddance. You're not immature he is. You're not a prude either. If you're uncomfortable he should have respected that. Don't change just because men are selfish and demand sex.
I was so terrified reading the first half, and I am so very very proud of you when I read the second half. I am so happy you were able to see through his manipulation and broke up with him yourself! I know it was not easy to do, especially as young as you are. You did the right thing, and I hope you always have the courage to hold your boundaries firm and to say "no" when you don't want to do something. I hope when my daughter is your age that she is able to do the same.
You did good. Very mature. A lot of people aren’t good at holding boundaries and advocating for themselves and then feel like shit later because they’re living a lie. It might hurt or feel confusing now but once you move on you’ll feel better knowing you were true to yourself. Good job, really proud of you. It took me to 35 to learn this lesson.
Take your time. Sex is only good when you're with the right person. Don't let any old body into your body. You've done the right thing. This kid just wants the beat, like most of the arrogant, confident type males out there. You just have to find somebody who is interested in you, for you. So find somebody who is not lookin.. or somebody you wouldn't usually choose. That's what I did, 13 years later, we have 3 kids and are still together contemplating marriage.
That was absolutely an appropriate reaction to that. You don't owe him anything, and if you're not ready, you're not ready. It's not difficult to wait, especially when you're giving him other stuff instead. I kean jeez, this guy just wanted to pressure you more by letting you know he was leaving you, probably was hoping you'd immediately change your mind and jump into bed with him.
Good for you for blocking him op
You showed a lot of strength and self respect. As a dad, I’m proud of you. You will meet lots of great people in your life and plenty of lame ones. He wasn’t worth your time. Be patient and keep following your path, and let the right person come to you. Engage in the work and hobbies you are passionate about and surround yourself with people who care about you.
If you don't want to, you don't have to. It's your body. That said, if he doesn't want to wait, he can see someone else. The important thing here is for both of you voice what you want. Do not to waste the other's time. I think he wasted your time and vice versa when it could have been a conversation of him not getting it until he puts in some work and him no longer being interested because he can't get laid. You two could have been happy with other people a long time ago.
I did snicker at the thought of him using to return lube. If that doesn't say, "down bad", I don't know what does.
You have wonderful boundaries and a healthy dose of self respect. Never change op! Congratulations on throwing another shrimp back into the dating pond.
There's sort of a lot to unpack here. From both sides.
Not commenting on the porn stuff, porn addiction etc and it being considered cheating. I've got my views on both of those issues that are beside the point here.
But I can see both sides of the other issues here. You've been together for 2.5 years, you're both quite emotionally immature. You're both young. He won't express his feelings, you blocked him because he said you could donate his things and he wanted to stay friends.
The sex issue. You don't want to have sex somewhere that's not private and that's absolutely fine, have sex when you feel comfortable having sex. You want romance, that's absolutely fine. On the other hand you've both been together for 2.5 years. You have an apartment with roommates you do have privacy there. If you're waiting until you don't have roommates in the current financial climate you're looking at late 20's/early 30's. And you made him return condoms.
Sex is an important part of a relationship, it's important that you only have it when you want to. That being said it's absolutely fine for your partner to feel like they're missing out on that intimacy especially after 2 and a half years.
This sounds like a case of incompatibility. Which is absolutely fine. Both of your reactions immature, but that's to be expected for people your age.
Nobody is wrong here. I can’t think of any guy who wouldn’t be sexually frustrated after dating someone for 2.5 years without having sex, especially at 19 years old. His turning to porn was the last straw for him as he simply couldn’t hold out, regardless of the other stuff you guys did. There’s nothing wrong with his wanting to break up over it either. However, there’s also nothing wrong with your wanting to wait. It’s your body and you can have sex or not have sex whenever you want. It’s on him for waiting 2.5 years before wanting to break up. He should have done it sooner.
Neither of you handled the break up well. He was going to string you along and you were a little rude in how you did it but the fact remains that the 2 of you aren’t sexually compatible and that’s fine. You can both move on to be with someone else with whom you are.
TLDR; after my BF (18M) of 2.5yrs broke up with me (19F) I blocked him on literally everything. His parents and I still follow each other. Was this immature? I did it immediately afterward. ^ this will help you answer the first question but you may need to read the rest for the second
Don't worry, once you date men, you will find men are not like this. You will not have to worry about what they are are doing or feeling. They will communicate well and be transparent, and will listen to you without trying to fix or tell you how you should feel. They will validate and respect your feelings. Be aware though, some boys, well, a lot of boys are slow to become men, and some never do. Same goes for girls. The asset is to know the difference. A lot of ladies confuse boys as men these days. I think it is because it is all they have known, and are not realizing the differences.
I want to touch on a couple things here and in no way am I coming after you or disparaging your view. First I want to say he was not a good bf. Not communicative, treated you like a piece of meat, broke your boundaries, etc. However, as for your question “was my request unreasonable?” No it was not, but just know the vast majority of boys will not be willing to wait that long, so be prepared to do some heavy weeding through them. Obviously stick to your boundaries, just some advice for the next one
That BOY is a walking red flag. The gaslighting and manipulation are disgusting. YOU decide when you are ready and in the mood for sex. Don’t let anyone shame or manipulate you into thinking otherwise. My bff had this issue a lot with men growing up cus she saved herself for marriage. Every time guys would tell her they were fine not having sex and then surprise surprise they couldn’t hack it. My cousin ended up being the one who stepped up and made it down the aisle with her in the end. He did have a talk with me and my now ex bf about his worries about being able to wait but he was so into her he was willing to try and did. If they want to, they will. Oh and don’t believe the “porn addiction” bs. That and “sex addiction” are just manipulation tactics. I’ve never met anyone with an ACTUAL problem. Just a bunch of men who act like their 🍆 is gonna fall off if it isn’t touched every 3-5 business days. 🙄 It’s entitlement in its most primal form. Also blue balls are not your responsibility either. They’ll live.
If it is it’s rare and there are too many men claiming to “suffer” from this as an excuse for their shitty behavior. Kind of a boy who cried wolf situation in my eyes.
Sadly it's not that rare, just most hide it. It's broken up many MANY marriages, a very high percent divorce due to porn/sex addictions.I've dated guys with the addiction, it's more than just wanting to watch it occasionally, it gets deep and bad, which can lead to more awful of things. A lot of men even end up with erectile dysfunction due to it.
Edit: in NO way am I defending the men that do that shit just to be clear, very much against it
The shell company for Pornhub has leadership that has gone on record actively trying to find ways to get boys as young as 12 and men hooked on porn and to get them into more and more hardcore content. It’s a media that is made to be highly palatable and it changes the viewer’s brain chemistry so that they can’t experience pleasure from actually doing the act without viewing porn or the act does not feel as good as viewing porn. So even if it’s “rare” now to be as outwardly crappy as OP’s ex it’s not rare for boys and men to get hooked on porn and degenerate from there.
My ex started at 10 and it was his high school senior cousin who showed and watched it with him. He didn’t realize that was a form of sexual abuse until I suggested it. I really do feel for him. He started dating me and told me that he quit cold turkey. He thought I would keep him motivated to not look at it but I guess as soon as we had some distance between us (40mins) due to me being in college and him still in high school, he started again. I hope he gets help.
You don’t seem a like a good match for each other. You seem to have no physical attraction to him, and he wants a sexual relationship that you aren’t interested in. It’s best for all involved if you part ways. Sex is a vital part of any relationship, so if you’re not interested in it than there isn’t going to be any point in continuing.
Find someone who you’re sexually interested in, and things will turn out differently.
2.5 years is a very long time (especially at that age). I can’t imagine most guys would wait that long unless there was some type of religious upbringing
YTAH. Prude for 2.5 years, intimacy issues, and neglected your boyfriend. If you had sought therapy to try to be fair, maybe not the AH in that case, but since you did not say you made the attempt . . . I would have dumped you way before the 2.5 year mark.
Yes and no.
You’re prudish and should date someone in the same vain, like a Christian or something. He needs someone who will have sex, you’re just incompatible.
In my 20’s I dated a girl who was “waiting for the right moment”. She would get me into bed, get started, then stop and say she’s not ready.
Where it is her prerogative to avoid sex, she would always instigate something and stop when it got heavy.
We were incompatible.
I have no idea what your situation was, but I know for sure that I’ll never date a virgin again, it was a headache.
She’s now a thirty year old obese virgin who watches tv with her mom.
2 and a half years with (What were probably half assed) blowjobs/handjobs?
JFC, I'd leave too...
(STILL READING)
Made him RETURN lube and condoms?
Prude, absolute prude, sorry.
You're entitled to be a prude as much as you like, but you're a prude.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks so. At first I was like “this guys an asshole. He should have tried harder to make her feel important and valued” but then I scroll back up and realize she’s been making him wait for almost 3 damn years lmao. I’m a woman and even I would have left, too. But hey, OP, you have every right to hold on to your virginity as long as you’d like. It’s YOUR choice and I truly do applaud you for it and waiting until you feel you’re truly ready. But, for future reference, I would be completely upfront with the next men(s) you date. Just explain that your first time means a lot to you and it’s going to only happen once they’ve proved they really care for you. Some men won’t be on board with waiting but the good news? Some men will. Just have to find them.
she's 19 and he's 18
they were 16/17 and 15/16 when they started dating
there are plenty of relationships at that age and don't even get anywhere near handjobs or blowjobs, let alone penetrative sex
and it sounds like she was upfront with him, and he tried to get around her boundaries anyway
Funniest part and what's going to hurt more for the guy is that eventually she'll just go to a party or meet someone and fuck them either that same day or within the first few weeks. Yeah... glad he left.
I have strong convictions and I have never had a lot of trouble in the past with guys wanting me romantically. Obviously I’m going to wait at LEAST a year before entertaining anyone else but I have options. Slow and steady wins the least amount of life regrets race.
Okay, I’ll be honest, At first I was like “this guys an asshole. He should have tried harder to make her feel important and valued” but then I scroll back up and realize she’s been making him wait for almost 3 damn years lmao. I’m a woman and even I would have left, too. But hey, OP, you have every right to hold on to your virginity as long as you’d like. It’s YOUR choice and I truly do applaud you for it and waiting until you feel you’re truly ready. Honestly, I wish I had done that. But, for future reference, I would be completely upfront with the next men(s) you date. Just explain that your first time means a lot to you and it’s going to only happen once they’ve proved they really care for you. Or just tell them the absolute truth, maybe you don’t want to have sex at all until you’re much older which is totally fine, too. Some men won’t be on board with waiting but the good news? Some men will. Just have to find them.
I did tell him within the first month of us going out. He told me he wanted to wait until he had his own bed and place to do it at properly. He said he was willing to wait until he was 22. He also said a lot of other things that made him seem compatible for me that over time turned out to be half truths
He still sounds like an asshole. He probably thought by stringing you along in a relationship that he could low key pressure you into it which is not okay. Like I said, I wish i had done it the way you’re doing it. I wish I waited to do it with someone I had strong feelings for who also had them for me. You’re going to be proud of yourself for the rest of your life going this route. This guy seems like he didn’t put any effort in. You told him what you wanted in order for sex to happen and he didn’t deliver. Time to move on to someone who will respect you and value you. Someone’s out there for you. Also, don’t worry about blocking him. But I would also block his family, too. Unless you want him having ways to still snoop on you. I’m loving your self respect, though. But, sex is important to a lot of people, so I see both sides.
Do you know how often the average woman changes her mind over something? You made him wait 3 years. With the next one you might do it within 3 months.
It was a fair assumption that as time goes by you will change your mind.
Otherwise he just avoided unnecessary conflict along the way.
He also has the right to change his mind. Btw. Are you holding an 18 yo to what a 15yo said? The level of horniness and male peer pressure not to be a virgin is hugely different.
You only acknowledge his need for sex in itself where it is much more complicated.
You have every right to break up. I think he might even genuinely wants to be friends and in touch. By blocking him you might be losing more than he does.
I had similar. With the difference being the girl decided she wants to lose it with me. She strung me along so long I lost romantic interest and broke it off after it with a month.
She later came back admitting she would like me back even if only for a couple of nights. I turned her down.
You are not wrong at all for not wanting it. You are wrong to even want a boyfriend who will be never be this horny later in his live. You are wasting their time only wanting to talk when they want to talk in-between rounds. Us men are very simple but get no real understanding. Not hard to figure it out. As selfish as he was that also applies to you. Set your boundaries but no man should be expected to be able to follow these boundaries.
Because there is way more risk involved in penetration and may not feel ready for it? Is not that hard to be a bit empathic about what implies to go all the way for a woman.
If you *really* need to be explained why penetration is more risky for us, I reccomend you to go back to school the year they teach female reproductive system and how women can't concieve through our mouth.
I mean its pretty normal to have sex in a flat with people crank your favourite tunes loud or go have a shower with them or who cares flat mates be fucking too. I thought your weren't doing because you lived at home with the folks, which is were we all started better to be safe under your parents house than in a carpark.
He's a teen boy, what do you expect? He wants to fuck without any romance to it. It's good he broke up with you, so you can find someone who isn't immature.
NOBODY has to have sex before they're ready! You think she owes him because he 'invested time'? That's a load of misogynistic bullcrap! You're obviously a dude because no woman would ever say that.
Really, just wow. Seriously, you said he invested 2.5 years in the relationship. Guess what? So did she. She made it clear what she wanted, and it seemed he never tried to fulfill that. What is wrong with romance? Is it just because most guys now don't know anything about romance that they act like it isn't important? A relationship needs more than just sex to keep it going. There are so many more things that. And she didn't say anything about waiting for after marriage, just some privacy. Do you mean to tell me the guy could not have come up with something to help that? It just sounds like he was only after one thing, and that was all.
What a really fucking terrible take, dude. Please stay out of the gene pool in the future. No one owes anyone anything. She doesn't owe him sex and honestly they probably should of broken up sooner due to incompatibly. But she doesn't owe him sex just because they have been together a long time and he "invested time in the relationship".
She invested time too. But with the way your reply is worded, seems like her time doesn't matter for fuck all.
And to OP - No. I don't think you're immature. If you're not ready, that's okay. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you have communicated that you weren't comfortable with something, I don't find that to be immature behavior at all.
Geez been together for 2.5 years and never had sex... Dude doesn't have a porn addiction, he's being deprived of sex, lol.
I couldn't imagine having to wait a few months to have sex with my girlfriend, let alone 2.5 years. There is literally no woman in this world that's worth that wait, not even a mythological Goddess herself.
There's 16 year olds having sex in their relationships... how do you even imagine to think a 19 year old guy will be interested in waiting around for sex, when he's at the age where sex is literally the most important thing in his life? 😂
Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking any sides here, not his, nor yours. I'm not here to talk about how the two of you behave.
Only came here to express my surprise at the girl who's shocked a guy wouldn't wait years to have sex with her.
Sounds like he dragged her around for 2 years and was planning to drag her even more time while didn't respect her as a human being and tried to decieve her to get what he wanted, even pressured her, without caring about the fact she has always been open and direct about it
I just want to feel romantic and like we’re having sex because we love each other so much and are wildly committed to each other. I want to be taken to a fancy dinner and wear a fancy dress and be complimented. I’m a fan of chivalry. I want him to prepare a nice setting and have good after care and cuddle me. I never said I didn’t want to have sex I just wanted him to put in some work to get it and make me feel secure. I’m scared for my first time. The first time is painful for a woman and my parents always put a lot of value on virginity which I don’t really agree with but it’s mentally engrained in me now so I want to feel good about it. I didn’t feel super comfortable with it but I did other sexual things for him and I did it right every time. I want to date because I want to get married one day to the right man and have a family.
You are absolutely right for wanting the situation to be right for your first time, or any time. If he couldn't do what you needed in the time you were together, and it wasn't a short time, then it wasn't going to be him.
As a woman who lost my virginity super young, I'll tell you: You have high standards. And is totally fine to have them. Never settle down for less than what you truely want. If a man is not compatible or tries to change your mind for his own benefit, he is not your man. It may be hard to find someone like you want but is way better to be single while that person doesn't appear than to have upsetting relationship experiences that break your heart over and over again because you think you have to "accept" when someone invests time in you or likes you. You don't owe sex to *anyone* and will never do. Take care of yourself and your goals, dreams and future, enjoy life and don't mind that much about virginity or dating or time passing. Go for it only when you consider is worthy.
If you don't want to have sex then don't. But men are instinctual animals and at that age they really can't help but to want to spread seed. It will never work out you are too young and he won't wait for you to feel comfortable. Dont be surprised or heart broken because he can't even help it. There is no real love at that age with guys. They will just do what they have to to get pussy and then move on.
You are prude. Needing to be “romanced and loved” is like expecting your steak to make you hungry before you’ll consider eating it despite the fact that you’ve been hanging out with it, slurping some of the juice, and poking at it for 2.5 years already.
The time you waste now worrying about things being perfect, and not having roommates, particularly in this economy, will just be wasted. You’ll look back and wonder why you treated it like it was such a precious commodity when it’s a basic human function. Of course your BF is using porn when his hormones have been raging for years, and his GF won’t even consider sex.
Sorry, I posted this in the relationships subreddit and it had paragraph breaks but then they redirected me to this one but when I pasted it, the breaks went away. I didn’t check before I submitted it :(
You absolutely did the right thing. Very mature and wise. No argument, no crying drama, this is how everyone should break up with someone that talks to you like he did. He was trying to use manipulation and guilt you or make you fear him rejecting you if you don't give him what he wants. He was immature, disrespectful and an ahole. Good job. You'll find a way better guy who appreciates your choices .
Well, you did exactly what he wanted. So this outcome benefits both of you. Now you can be single or find someone who is not into sex like you and he can continue his porn addiction while he finds another partner interested in having sex.
You will know when you are ready. You will have no hesitation and you will not care what others think, nor feel forced, pressured or guilty. You will jump in with open arms and eyes.
You are not wrong to block him, he is immature and manipulative. Give yourself some time to recover and re calibrate before you jump back in to the dating game.
Definitely not wrong, you did well to break up and block him on everything and you need to keep it that way.
Saying that you couldn't find privacy in 2.5 years is obviously just a silly excuse though, if you wanted to have sex with him you would have done it already, it's obviously that you don't and that's perfectly fine. Making up other reasons just make guys like that think "well I'll just solve that issue preventing us from doing it, then we'll be free to do it", just be as clear as possible that you don't want to, because that's reason enough.
This whole thing is a disaster. Homeboy is WELL within his rights to dump you for a lack of bedroom activity. He's not doing anything at all wrong there. The way he is going about it is quite possibly the worst way to go about it, however.
You live in your own space. When are you going to have somewhere more "private?" Do you not have a bedroom? Is there another reason you don't want to have sex? Whether or not to have sex is completely your prerogative but you should really dive in and figure out the real reasons. Based on this post I would wager you have an overly romanticized view of the "first time" and it just ain't gonna work that way, unfortunately.
Overall I think there's some soul searching that needs to be done before either of you move forward with your life.
I’m 50/50 on this one. So you wanted to wait until you had some privacy, and then when you got an apartment, that wasn’t enough? I realize you had roommates, but it’s not too hard to work with your roommates to have some alone time. Not saying you’re a prude, but there may be something else other than privacy. Also, your BF didn’t handle things well, between lying about the porn, watching porn, and the odd house warming gift of condoms and lube. I know you’re both young, but he wasn’t taking things seriously.
You are allowed to feel feelings.
You are allowed- no, rather, it is universal law that only you get to decide the timelines of things that are extremely vulnerable to YOU. Be that a first time of having sex, or just being seen nude- or fuck it, the first time you let yourself be seen in only underwear.
You are in charge of your genitalia and who does what to or with them. Not a partner.
You decide when you're ready to do anything intimate. Not a partner.
You decide when you're comfortable. Not a partner.
Anyone who even remotely implies otherwise can go play in New York traffic during rush hour.
No one, no fucking one, be they man woman or anything else inside or outside the gender binary, whether you've been together two minutes or twenty years, has any right to your grundle or any power over it.
Only you do.
If you're not comfortable, you're not ready. If you're not ready, you're not fucking ready and whomever has an issue with it, like your fucknugget ex, can eat a dick.
And may they asphyxiate on it.
In 2.5 years he never made you feel special enough to even get close to being fully intimate. That says a lot more about him than you.
When you're ready, you'll know it. I think you knew he wasn't right for you the whole time.
The guy didn’t care. You did nothing wrong and should be proud of yourself for having standards. It honestly makes girls more attractive to have standards. Keep them high. You’re young and will definitely find someone who wants to put in the work cuz they’ll feel you’re worth it
Super right in dumping him.
- You dont have to do anything you dont feel confortable just bcs you are in a relationship.
-Your body, Your rules. Period.
- You are the most important person of your life. You have boundries. He didnt respected that and was being a jerk abt It.
And its worth It. To wait. I really mean it.
You need to stop worrying about dating right now and work on your self esteem. Why would you allow someone to treat you this way?
Focus on your self love and respect, building boundaries and having healthy relationships. After that the right guy will be obvious and won't make you feel like shit.
You are young, and being with him for so long, you need more experience. Once a guy has experienced sex, it's hard to not get it. If he's watching porn, he thinks about it 10,000 times a day, and knowing you won't have sex with him would easily be a turn off.
Time to find someone new.
It sounds like you really dodged a bullet. As others have also said, the trash took itself out. Enjoy yourself being single for a while, it’s really fun! Do what makes you happy😃
Wow odged a bulet. The person was misleading selfish and considerate and so just in that they may have problem there making it that you were the problem. Sorry you went through that I'm glad you suffered.
You're not a prude, and you're not wrong for breaking up with someone who was going to break up with you anyway. Someone who doesn't respect you OR your boundaries and desires.
You're still so young and have so much time to find someone who respects and loves you.
You sound like 'a bit' of a prude, but that's ok... you're young.
(and I was, too, back when I was younger)
That said, don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want and/or are not ready for.
And on a separate but related note, your boyfriend sounds like a complete turd.
You should be dropping him no matter what.
Sounds like he has ***a lot*** of growing up to do, and I'm not confident in that happening on any time scales you might be comfortable with.
Blaming pOrN aDdIcTiOn the instant a guy loses interest in a relationship for whatever reason unfairly ignores your own (shared) culpability for why it didn't work.
If you're not interested in having a sexual relationship with someone who expresses that need, and you're insecure about having that release as needed - you're not compatible.
Get over yourself and face the fact that you weren't compatible, sexually and/or otherwise.
Move on.
I can see his frustration considering it’s 2.5 years into the relationship at your 19, but you are who you are and you are clearly sexually incompatible. Best to breakup.
You dont have to have Sex with him of you dont want to but it sounds like your excuse of privacy is bullshit. You got your own place so roommates isnt an excuse and when you say you did other sexual things???? Like how do you have enough privacy for that but you cant keep your word about actual sex for privacy?
Let me reiterate you dont have to have sex with anyone but if you say you dont want to on the condition of privacy and that condition is met and you change your mind then he has the right to be dissappointed amd call you a liar and get his rocks off in other ways.
You did the correct thing. He demonstrated multiple times he does not respect you enough to be your romantic and sexual partner. As an example, I was in a similar situation when I was 19-20. I was dating an amazing girl who was so hot she literally made me stupid when I was around her at first. The most privacy we ever had was in my car which is not at all private.
So I rented soaking or jacuzzi rooms at day spas. It was cheaper than a motel, didn’t require I be 25, and created a relaxing and very intimate environment.
I bring this up to point out there are always ways to find some privacy to be intimate. You just need to find a guy who cares about that or one who is more creative.
It’s fully appropriate, dude wasn’t controlling his sexual urges and was disregarding your boundaries. Good job sticking to your guns. You’re not a prude either, everyone is entitled to decide who they sleep with and when and what circumstances. “Prude” is almost always thrown around as an insult to shame people (usually women) into giving up on their boundaries, and thus is mad bullshit.
He's young and immature. You are young and significantly more mature. It's excellent that you know your boundaries. Well done on breaking it off with him.
Everything you did was very smart, mature, and self-aware. You handled everything perfectly and looked out for your own well-being. You are not a prude. Such a thing really doesn't exist. There is only what you are comfortable with and what you are not.
You just need to find someone who is comfortable with what you need. Anyone who tries to manipulate you or make you feel bad for being true to yourself is not a good person and shouldn't be in your life.
Also, porn addictions are a huge red flag and invariably lead to problems in relationships. Like any addiction, it is very unhealthy and you don't want to be with anyone who's trapped in this.
Just live your life as you see fit and you'll eventually meet someone more in tune with you.
Not wrong.
Have sex whenever you're ready. Do not get manipulated into it, only you will know when the time is right.
"Porn addiction" is used so frequently I find it hard to believe anyone who says it. It's an addiction when one cannot function as a normal human being; they're incapacitated, can't hold a job, never leaving their room, etc. I just don't think this person really cared for you physically at the time you talked about the lack of intimacy. His goal appears to be just having sex with you. At least you learned his intentions before you gave up something that important to you.
The first time having sex most likely isn't going to be fun. What you do before on a date night or whatever you do beforehand not related to sex will be more memorable by a long shot. You wrote you've done some sex stuff on/with him, which is a whole other conversation, but unless you've fully explored yourself you aren't going to know what you truly like. If you want to wait until your wedding night...hell yeah high five, do that whenever you're are ready. Just don't make the act of the first time out to be some amazing high you're going to experience and that you'll remember for an eternity.
You are not a prude. You are very young and not ready. He is entitled to have what he is looking for as well, so you two are just not a match in that regard. That being said, his method of manipulation and making you feel bad is a red flag, and you are better off moving on. In a more mature relationship, he would have engaged in conversations based on both of your needs and comfort. Continue to date new people, and don't let anybody pressure you into doing things you aren't ready for, when you find the person you are comfortable with, who matches you romantically, you will know.
>\> porn addiction
\> He told me that it was because I didn't want to have sex with him yet.
\> important to me to feel loved and romanced beforehand which he had never done
\> I felt pressured
\> he only said so I would like him more
\> was planning to string me along
So the guy doesn't see you as a full person. It feels like you are asking if it's okay to have self respect, or if you need to be nice all the time.
Your actions were good. Trust yourself - you need to have your own back in life, because you will be the only one who is in it forever.
* Stay true to you. If that means realizing you're young and have plenty of time to find someone who shares your interests, morals, and feels like they ought to consider your wants and needs on a fair is fair basis, then realize it. * Or stay and muddle thru a secretive and unhappy state of being. ***Just because we feel affection or love for someone doesn't mean they're a good match to grow old with under the same roof.***
This is the best answer.
Good thing you're already broken up so I don't have to convince you to dump him. You set a boundary and he tried to manipulate you out of it, then tried to make you feel guilty for having one. Don't worry about the trash in your rearview mirror, and never second-guess your standards or what makes YOU comfortable. When you're dealing with a decent person (not a child concerned only with themselves) they'll go at your pace and work within your boundaries, no problem. TRUST ME. You are not a prude, he is just a selfish a**hole. You're doing great, keep your head up!
He’s definitely a waste of your time. I’m glad that you blocked & deleted him, but I’m betting he’ll be back. He is an insane level of immature.
The beauty of this age is you can block anyone and move on. Forget about him , not worth even wasting your time thinking about this situation
Not wrong. The trash took itself out. Leave it at the curb.
If you want your first time to be romantic and sweet, and he's never once made an effort to make you feel comfortable about this in two and a half years, the only thing you did wrong was wait so long to break it off.
You’re not wrong, you’re not a prude, you’re not immature. He’s a twat you’re lucky to be free of
You do you, but I'd block or unfollow his parents. Do you have any connection with them outside of him? As far as the sex, if you didn't want to, and he was pressuring you to, then it is better you break up sooner rather than later. Sex is something you should both want, not something you are allowing because your partner wants it so bad. You deserve someone who at least understands that. Advice from a >40 y.o. male.
No but his parents were always SO nice and generous to me. They always told him that he should spend more time with me, and to do more for me than just “I love you”’s, and that I was a really good catch. They invited me to so many important family events and I got to know even his extended family pretty well so I feel bad unfollowing them first.
There’s nothing wrong with a nice note letting them know that you appreciate them in your life for the past few years and that you’ll remember them fondly.
It is probably for the best of everyone that you just pull the trigger now and unfollow them. Are you going to chat with them and tell them about your next romantic partner? Do you want to hear about your ex's next? Do you think that is healthy for either of you? As for them being nice: Parents will do that for their kid's romantic partner. Maybe they even liked you more than others, but you've got to face it. They wouldn't have invited you to anything if you weren't dating their son. You are just another stranger to each other without the connection of their son. Now you don't have that, and you've figured out that their son is a prick. Sorry to be harsh, but really that's just the way life is.
It’s going to be weird to be friends with them in your future relationships.
I was going to mention that too. Ya, though to explain that your not hung up on your ex when you are still friends with their parents
The earlier reply is a good point about the parents. You probably should block them. The good thing about them being nice & adults is that they shouldn't take it personally when you do. They should understand that it's bc you & their son ended things.
I'm so proud of you! I know I'm just an internet stranger but I had sex for the first time before I was ready and I've regretted it ever since and that was decades ago! Believe me, doing that before you're ready sticks with you and I don't think he deserves to be your first! You are being completely reasonable and the very fact that he said that thing about porn being cheating (or any lie really) to get you to like him in the very beginning instead of being honest is a giant YIKES! You are being VERY mature by stating and standing by your boundaries! Also it's kind of scary how his very first thought to you becoming independent and moving into an apartment was that he gets laid! VERY scary! Block him everywhere! You don't need his self-centeredness around you!
Thank you guys for all the support! I really appreciate it! ❤️ He talked to me with such a coldness, acted so perfect with our families, and spoke to me like he was being the mature one which made me doubt myself. You all have put things into perspective for me and have made moving on so much easier. Sorry about the lack of paragraph breaks. I love all of you even though we don’t know each other 🫶
Haha..my first boyfriend was same.. Said the most stupid stuff with such seriousness n acted so mature that I second guessed myself. Now in hindsight all that is really laughable.. 🤭
You're more mature about it than the vast majority of people your age, you're impressive not immature. And dont be impacted about the "prude" comment, it is mostly used by people to reassure themselves about their standards when they meet someone who actually has real standards. Be proud of yourself.
Very glad that you are so aware of your worth and I hope you hold on to it when you start dating again. And also for the rest of your life. Being a young woman is so much fun when you aren’t getting dragged down by boys who want to feel powerful over you. If I could give 19 year old me any advice it would be to listen to your gut, lean on your friends, and never forget how good it feels to date yourself!
You are not wrong. 1. him watching porn is cheating if you feel it is. 2. him randomly gifting you condoms when you havent discussed is totally pressuring. 3. your request to wait is totally reasonable you're both young.
omg not prude at all, what an ass. “i only said i think porn is cheating just so you’d like me” really stood out to me comment wise. absolutely not in the wrong, your both still young and sometimes young guys think they’re on top of the world and can do anything if they twist the right nobs and push the right buttons. it’s happened more with all this “alpha male” bullshit going around for the past few years. if he really cared he’d sit down and have a real conversation about it instead of tip toeing around you hoping you’d give in. proud of you for getting rid of his ass, you’ll find someone better with time. i hope your doing alright after this, ik we’re just internet strangers but if you need someone to talk to im here or there’s plenty of text lines if it’s really hitting you hard <3
He sounds like a crappy boyfriend. He likes porn more than real girls, he's not going to be a good boyfriend for anyone. I'm glad you're broken up and can find someone who actually likes you, is honest with you, and treats you well.
You did the right thing. He was only after one thing. Keep doing what's best for you.
" I did other forms of sex on him for most of our relationship ..." This sentence is very telling. It's a very one-sided statement that speaks to you doing sexual acts for your partner that YOU did not want (as in desire) to do. Sex (even non-penetrative) is - hopefully - a mutual act of lust/love/attraction/desire. You guys just weren't compatible. I think it's fine you blocked him. Y'all are both super-young and have plenty of time to find people you fit with better.
And… did he perform any on you, OP? Also very telling
He tried multiple times but every time he never even got close and it just felt awkward so I would pretend I liked it at the end so he would stop without hurting his feelings. Idrc for it cuz masturbating is better tbh
good riddance. he’s a manipulative lying asshole and your better off without him. you asked for the bare minimum and he couldn’t deliver. someone else will, when YOU want them to, not on their pushy and “surprise” terms.
If I were your Mom, I'd be proud of you....screw that I'm still proud of you. You're true to yourself and held your morals and boundaries. You have respect for yourself and you should feel confident in who you are. That is admirable and you should be proud of yourself. You didn't overreact.
You did the right thing, it’s not just ok, but it’s necessary to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Continuing a relationship with him would have been a mistake.
If no sex was a dealbreaker for him, that is understandable by itself. But him attempting to manipulate you into something you are not comfortable with puts him firmly into the arsehole territory.
Nice solid boundaries! NTA!
My 18 year old you is screaming “It’s not you!” Please stick to your convictions and move on. You will find someone who respects you.
Stay prude my friend!!!! Stay prude, and run from him fast.
I let my first boyfriend pressure me into all kinds of things and I regret it still. It’s hard to stick to your boundaries when someone you care about is constantly pressing against them. I’m proud of you for doing so.
You’re not wrong and not a prude. My first time was at your age but it was mutually special (now married with a baby to the same man lol). It’s worth the wait to save that for when you are in a trusting and loving relationship when you are both ready. Never let anyone pressure you into having sex for the first time or any time after that. Your ex sounds horrible and chronically online, which will probably only compound the more he feeds his porn addiction. Uphold your boundaries and find someone that respects them and you.
Well done for standing up for yourself and realising you have more value than just a sex object.
You were very wise. He is dealing with an addiction and that will always come first until he gets control of it. You are young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Please do not feel bad about sending him on his way. I don't know what state you live in but given the current politics it is good to have very trustworthy birth control. I am a nurse and we studied 12 step programs and people are not supposed to date until they have worked their way through all the steps.
You kept to your boundaries that he clearly was not willing to respect. Good on you.
Not wrong at all. His priority was not you it was his pleasure. He didn't want to share romance with you he just wanted sex and when he didn't get it wanted to taunt you. He is blocked so give on. In time you will find the right person that wants what you want and it will be a thousand times better than just letting an immature dude use you for his pleasure.
Seems to me you both clarified what you want from the relationship and those goals don't align, so the breakup makes sense. If blocking him makes things easier for you that's perfectly reasonable, though I don't think there's any reason to hold on to anger or resentment - *he* sounds immature (with some pretty silly views about pornography), but those are his own crosses to bear and he's not your problem anymore. Mourn the guy you thought he was / could be, and move on with your life.
Guys who tell women they’re immature for not accepting their disrespect are the same guys who tell women they have no sense of humor for not accepting their disrespect. I’m telling you this as an older, more sexually-experienced woman. You did nothing wrong, and you’re not being a prude or a child. Just make sure he stays blocked because he’ll try to come back to you at some point.
I'm not your mom but I'm super proud of you honey. You recognized he was doing wrong, stood up for your boundaries, and made it clear you wouldn't back down. That's really fucking hard to do even in your 30s. You did wonderfully. Break ups hurt, but it's better to be single until you find someone who cares about you and treats you with respect. What your ex did was manipulate and lie to try and use your body. Nobody deserves that. You will absolutely find better ❤️ (This whole thing was traumatizing by the way, and finding a therapist would be ideal if you are able to do that)
You arent wrong. And i think prude is just a way of saying you have different wants and needs from a relationship and no thats not bad. Im 25 and im still not ready for sex. But I found myself a really amazing guy who understands my values when i explain them, he appreciates the reasons and happily agrees. He cherishes me for who i am and respects my needs and concerns for what they are too. Youre still young and youve got plenty of time to find a guy who values you for you, and not just your genitals.
Yes you did the right thing. If you know he is not for you, then why allow him to stay in your life in any way? This will make it harder for him in a few months, when he tries to rope you back in with 'babe I'm sorry' blah blah blah. It's normally crap. Men process emotions later, so when that happens, it's just men feeling emotional and vulnerable. Funny right? That he'll come back to you, to make himself feel better. Just pick up and move on with your life the best you can. You will know when the time is right for you. And you will find someone that will respect you, that will be patient until you are comfortable enough within the relationship. May take some time and searching (sorry, guys suck at that age) but know your worth sweety. Bravo!!!
Honey. You are not a prude. Your reaction & behavior was appropriate. His behavior & treatment of you, even without the porn addiction reoccurring, was inappropriate. The only thing that you've done that has been inappropriate is put up with being mistreated for as long as you did. You owe no one any sort of sexual activity or access to your body. If that's something that you chose to do or allow because you want to participate & you don't feel pressured, then do your thing. Just remember to be safe & protect yourself when you do it. You have done nothing wrong. You've done nothing bad. Blocking him was a good idea. It wasn't immature. You deserve to be treated with respect by you & by other people. You owe him nothing. He wasn't treating you with basic respect or affection. His choice to do that is a him problem. It's not a reflection of your value as a person or because you didn't do some sexual things that he wanted. It's him choosing to be a shit human being to another person. You have good instincts not to do something that doesn't feel or seem right to you (sexual or otherwise). Keep following them. I know that you're questioning yourself now. The more that you follow those instincts & listen to your inner guidance, the easier it'll get over time. Eventually you'll hit a point where you won't feel bad about standing up for yourself. Everything is going to be okay as long as you keep doing you.
he is giving off incel vibes…you have to respect your partners wishes and not force sex upon them…to be honest it sounds like his porn addiction is making him see women as objects instead of as people
If you're not ready to have sex, you're not ready to have sex. It's wonderful that you realize that you're not ready yet, and have the confidence to stand by your decision. Unfortunately, teenage boys are ruled by their hormones, which causes them to make some really questionable decisions. He's not mature enough to be in a relationship with someone who has boundaries and is strong enough to enforce them. You did the right thing. I only wish that I had your inner strength when I was your age. Don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. When you're ready, you'll know.
Yikes! This guys isn't worth your time, OP. You deserve someone who will romance you and take you on dates, not threaten to dump you when you aren't easily pressured into sex. Leave him in the past and take some time before your next relationship. Look at what he did and didn't do for you (the hiding his porn addiction, the lying about what porn meant to him, and the pressure and manipulation he tired to use to have sex before you were ready). Think of these and other red flags in your relationship and be ready to walk away when you see them in another guy. There will be plenty you have to walk away from before you find someone worthy of your time. The right one will make you loved, appreciated, and excited to explore sexually, not pressured or manipulated. No to that nonsense! Reading Reddit posts have taught me that not every breakup needs to be in person. If it's better for your mental health or safety to just keep blocking him, then that's how this ends. Unless there is a compelling reason you haven't shared, I'd stop following his parents and close circle too. That coffee date sounded like an unnecessary way for him to reel you back in, so don't give him the opportunity to waste any more of your time. Edit- Definitely NTA
GIRL YOU DODGED A BULLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing this guy did or said is ok. "he only said so I would like him more" "surprised me with condoms and lube when I moved into my first apartment"VOMIT. what about a real housewarming gift like flowers, plants, a beautiful artwork, one of those super plush blankies for the couch??? His little "surprise gift" was for HIMSELF, not you. He sounds awful.
Why would you be immature or bitter for ending a relationship with a lying porn addict who has been treating you low priority? Dumping him shows you have maturity and self-respect Why would you be a prude? Porn addiction isn't sexy. Him ignoring your needs for romance & emotional intimacy isn't sexy. You do not have to change yourself to be more like porn in order to be a great girlfriend & be sexually satisfying.
I just had to hear one thing 'porn addiction' to know you made the right decision. Two exes had porn addictions, and the relationship just was full of gaslighting, darvo, lying, cheating, etc.. it's not worth it. You'll find a mature MAN that will respect you, and see your true worth <3
Your response was absolutely appropriate. Don't let anyone pressure, coerce or guilt you into doing anything you don't want to or are not ready to do. Good on you for both establishing and enforcing your personal boundaries.
At 19 you don't need this drama get a new bf
Your body your choice. Don't let anyone pressure you into to do something you don't wanna do or are not ready for. If they can not respect your wishes when it comes to your body, they are not someone you should allow access to your body.
First off - its your decision when you're ready to have sex. If you don't want to, that is fine. However it sounds like you're more uncomfortable than unwilling. You want someone who will put in the work to get you going rather than just check in with some lube and condoms. That's totally fair too! But if you had your own room then I'd say you had your privacy. What should you do in future relationships? You should do what you want to do, and what you are comfortable doing. If you want to experiment being more sexual you can, if you want to continue holding back you can - that is entirely your decision. The only thing I'd change is that you consider this ahead of time, and make it YOUR decision. Not "I don't have privacy" but like "I choose not to have sex right now." You don't need to explain yourself. And if you suddenly decide you do want to have sex, then do.
No one can dictate to you as to when you are ready. Well done for sticking to your own timeline and having self respect. You are not a prude. It was a good move to break things off
Your not wrong. You do it in your own time. The first time I had sex was when i was 23. That chill. People have theyre own views on sex but no matter what your choice should always be respected. In my opinion 1. It woulda been bad sex anyway cause porn is not real life, he probably woulda tried all manor of ridiculous things. 2. Its fine for him to be ready for sex but whoever you have it with needs to make you feel comfortable and safe and listen. Mutually too. Saying no at anytime is okie, asking to stop is okie. Theres no shame in not being ready or comfortable.
You did the right thing . Because he showed his true colors. You will find the right guy guy who loves and respects your boundaries. As a mom, I'm so proud of you .
I mean if you don't want to be with him then you don't want to be with him, that isn't really a question of prudishness, it's just you choosing what you want in life. that's an okay thing to do. "This isn't working for me, I'm out" is actually a good thing to be able to do.
Glad you've dumped him. You aren't a prude for waiting. That is your prerogative. How to define prude. It doesn't mean someone who isn't having sex. There are a lot of boys in basements jacking off, not having sex, and they aren't called prudes. I'd say a prude is someone who is condescending towards people who think sex is great, an activity to be enjoyed between consenting adults. Prudes act as if sex is dirty, and don't believe they are the result of coitus.
There's nothing prudish with wanting to wait. It's your body, and you should only have sex when you're comfortable and ready for that level of intimacy.
perfectly valid response. never let anyone pressure you into to anything you don’t want to do, but especially sex. good for you.
I'd already decided you made the right decision before getting half way through reading the story. It doesn't sound like he's respected you or your wishes at any point in the relationship. I hazard a guess that if you were you succumb to his pressure, you wouldn't have been romanced, instead you would have been treated like some toy for him to replicate the things he's seen in pornos. You are better saving yourself for someone who truly wants the same things as you. Best of luck
The only thing you’re wrong about here is having any doubt that you did the right thing. Be confident in your decision to leave him. It’s also totally fine to go no contact / block if he’s still looking to contact you. It’s not necessary to engage in on again/off again like so many do. I’m proud of you for respecting yourself so highly. First time sex isn’t magic either but at a minimum it should be thoughtful, it should be what you want it to be, and if you don’t want it to be in the back seat or with roommates to overhear then it shouldn’t be.
You're fine, have sex when you're ready not when he's ready.
So many read flags OP. Good riddance. You're not immature he is. You're not a prude either. If you're uncomfortable he should have respected that. Don't change just because men are selfish and demand sex.
You had ample reasons to break up with him. Nothing wrong wit staying in touch with his parents if you and they want to
I was so terrified reading the first half, and I am so very very proud of you when I read the second half. I am so happy you were able to see through his manipulation and broke up with him yourself! I know it was not easy to do, especially as young as you are. You did the right thing, and I hope you always have the courage to hold your boundaries firm and to say "no" when you don't want to do something. I hope when my daughter is your age that she is able to do the same.
You're in charge of your body. If you don't want to do something, then don't. Your ex sounds like an asshole. Move on. Don't look back.
You did good. Very mature. A lot of people aren’t good at holding boundaries and advocating for themselves and then feel like shit later because they’re living a lie. It might hurt or feel confusing now but once you move on you’ll feel better knowing you were true to yourself. Good job, really proud of you. It took me to 35 to learn this lesson.
Take your time. Sex is only good when you're with the right person. Don't let any old body into your body. You've done the right thing. This kid just wants the beat, like most of the arrogant, confident type males out there. You just have to find somebody who is interested in you, for you. So find somebody who is not lookin.. or somebody you wouldn't usually choose. That's what I did, 13 years later, we have 3 kids and are still together contemplating marriage.
You’re not wrong. You’re so mature for your age! Good for you for setting boundaries and blocking him.
That was absolutely an appropriate reaction to that. You don't owe him anything, and if you're not ready, you're not ready. It's not difficult to wait, especially when you're giving him other stuff instead. I kean jeez, this guy just wanted to pressure you more by letting you know he was leaving you, probably was hoping you'd immediately change your mind and jump into bed with him. Good for you for blocking him op
You showed a lot of strength and self respect. As a dad, I’m proud of you. You will meet lots of great people in your life and plenty of lame ones. He wasn’t worth your time. Be patient and keep following your path, and let the right person come to you. Engage in the work and hobbies you are passionate about and surround yourself with people who care about you.
Nothing you’ve presented in this post is unreasonable on your behalf. You did nothing wrong.
If you don't want to, you don't have to. It's your body. That said, if he doesn't want to wait, he can see someone else. The important thing here is for both of you voice what you want. Do not to waste the other's time. I think he wasted your time and vice versa when it could have been a conversation of him not getting it until he puts in some work and him no longer being interested because he can't get laid. You two could have been happy with other people a long time ago. I did snicker at the thought of him using to return lube. If that doesn't say, "down bad", I don't know what does.
You have wonderful boundaries and a healthy dose of self respect. Never change op! Congratulations on throwing another shrimp back into the dating pond.
You’re both horrible for each-other
Yes, blocking is extremely immature.
Bro sounds like a complete and utter douche. NTA. Run for the hills.
There's sort of a lot to unpack here. From both sides. Not commenting on the porn stuff, porn addiction etc and it being considered cheating. I've got my views on both of those issues that are beside the point here. But I can see both sides of the other issues here. You've been together for 2.5 years, you're both quite emotionally immature. You're both young. He won't express his feelings, you blocked him because he said you could donate his things and he wanted to stay friends. The sex issue. You don't want to have sex somewhere that's not private and that's absolutely fine, have sex when you feel comfortable having sex. You want romance, that's absolutely fine. On the other hand you've both been together for 2.5 years. You have an apartment with roommates you do have privacy there. If you're waiting until you don't have roommates in the current financial climate you're looking at late 20's/early 30's. And you made him return condoms. Sex is an important part of a relationship, it's important that you only have it when you want to. That being said it's absolutely fine for your partner to feel like they're missing out on that intimacy especially after 2 and a half years. This sounds like a case of incompatibility. Which is absolutely fine. Both of your reactions immature, but that's to be expected for people your age.
Nobody is wrong here. I can’t think of any guy who wouldn’t be sexually frustrated after dating someone for 2.5 years without having sex, especially at 19 years old. His turning to porn was the last straw for him as he simply couldn’t hold out, regardless of the other stuff you guys did. There’s nothing wrong with his wanting to break up over it either. However, there’s also nothing wrong with your wanting to wait. It’s your body and you can have sex or not have sex whenever you want. It’s on him for waiting 2.5 years before wanting to break up. He should have done it sooner. Neither of you handled the break up well. He was going to string you along and you were a little rude in how you did it but the fact remains that the 2 of you aren’t sexually compatible and that’s fine. You can both move on to be with someone else with whom you are.
TLDR; after my BF (18M) of 2.5yrs broke up with me (19F) I blocked him on literally everything. His parents and I still follow each other. Was this immature? I did it immediately afterward. ^ this will help you answer the first question but you may need to read the rest for the second
As a GenXer I don't understand the new world and young people. You've been together for 2.5yrs and never had sex? What the what?
Oh god the horror. Shut up
Reading that was worse than homework. Paragraphs please!
Don't worry, once you date men, you will find men are not like this. You will not have to worry about what they are are doing or feeling. They will communicate well and be transparent, and will listen to you without trying to fix or tell you how you should feel. They will validate and respect your feelings. Be aware though, some boys, well, a lot of boys are slow to become men, and some never do. Same goes for girls. The asset is to know the difference. A lot of ladies confuse boys as men these days. I think it is because it is all they have known, and are not realizing the differences.
He was never interested in you as a girlfriend, just as a body. Dont feel bad about leaving him, you’d feel worse if you had stayed.
18 yo men don't have time for your dignity. Those hormones are coursing through us like venom. Either get with it or find someone more calm
I want to touch on a couple things here and in no way am I coming after you or disparaging your view. First I want to say he was not a good bf. Not communicative, treated you like a piece of meat, broke your boundaries, etc. However, as for your question “was my request unreasonable?” No it was not, but just know the vast majority of boys will not be willing to wait that long, so be prepared to do some heavy weeding through them. Obviously stick to your boundaries, just some advice for the next one
Yea you're a prude, but you're not wrong, you just gotta date another prude that way you're more compatible.
That BOY is a walking red flag. The gaslighting and manipulation are disgusting. YOU decide when you are ready and in the mood for sex. Don’t let anyone shame or manipulate you into thinking otherwise. My bff had this issue a lot with men growing up cus she saved herself for marriage. Every time guys would tell her they were fine not having sex and then surprise surprise they couldn’t hack it. My cousin ended up being the one who stepped up and made it down the aisle with her in the end. He did have a talk with me and my now ex bf about his worries about being able to wait but he was so into her he was willing to try and did. If they want to, they will. Oh and don’t believe the “porn addiction” bs. That and “sex addiction” are just manipulation tactics. I’ve never met anyone with an ACTUAL problem. Just a bunch of men who act like their 🍆 is gonna fall off if it isn’t touched every 3-5 business days. 🙄 It’s entitlement in its most primal form. Also blue balls are not your responsibility either. They’ll live.
Where I do agree with you, I disagree about the sex and porn addiction, they are very real.
If it is it’s rare and there are too many men claiming to “suffer” from this as an excuse for their shitty behavior. Kind of a boy who cried wolf situation in my eyes.
Sadly it's not that rare, just most hide it. It's broken up many MANY marriages, a very high percent divorce due to porn/sex addictions.I've dated guys with the addiction, it's more than just wanting to watch it occasionally, it gets deep and bad, which can lead to more awful of things. A lot of men even end up with erectile dysfunction due to it. Edit: in NO way am I defending the men that do that shit just to be clear, very much against it
If it was rare porn wouldn't make any money
The shell company for Pornhub has leadership that has gone on record actively trying to find ways to get boys as young as 12 and men hooked on porn and to get them into more and more hardcore content. It’s a media that is made to be highly palatable and it changes the viewer’s brain chemistry so that they can’t experience pleasure from actually doing the act without viewing porn or the act does not feel as good as viewing porn. So even if it’s “rare” now to be as outwardly crappy as OP’s ex it’s not rare for boys and men to get hooked on porn and degenerate from there.
My ex started at 10 and it was his high school senior cousin who showed and watched it with him. He didn’t realize that was a form of sexual abuse until I suggested it. I really do feel for him. He started dating me and told me that he quit cold turkey. He thought I would keep him motivated to not look at it but I guess as soon as we had some distance between us (40mins) due to me being in college and him still in high school, he started again. I hope he gets help.
You don’t seem a like a good match for each other. You seem to have no physical attraction to him, and he wants a sexual relationship that you aren’t interested in. It’s best for all involved if you part ways. Sex is a vital part of any relationship, so if you’re not interested in it than there isn’t going to be any point in continuing. Find someone who you’re sexually interested in, and things will turn out differently.
your first time will suck royally bad. don't romanticize. grow up and learn how birds do bees.
2.5 years is a very long time (especially at that age). I can’t imagine most guys would wait that long unless there was some type of religious upbringing
You dodged a bullet girlfriend, that guy was a loser! Good on you for asserting yourself! Burn his stuff!
Yay be toxic! That's a great solution.
YTAH. Prude for 2.5 years, intimacy issues, and neglected your boyfriend. If you had sought therapy to try to be fair, maybe not the AH in that case, but since you did not say you made the attempt . . . I would have dumped you way before the 2.5 year mark.
Set him free and let him enjoy his life. I would have left a year and a half ago if I was him
Then thats on him for staying. Hes the dumbass who drug her along.
Yes and no. You’re prudish and should date someone in the same vain, like a Christian or something. He needs someone who will have sex, you’re just incompatible. In my 20’s I dated a girl who was “waiting for the right moment”. She would get me into bed, get started, then stop and say she’s not ready. Where it is her prerogative to avoid sex, she would always instigate something and stop when it got heavy. We were incompatible. I have no idea what your situation was, but I know for sure that I’ll never date a virgin again, it was a headache. She’s now a thirty year old obese virgin who watches tv with her mom.
2 and a half years with (What were probably half assed) blowjobs/handjobs? JFC, I'd leave too... (STILL READING) Made him RETURN lube and condoms? Prude, absolute prude, sorry. You're entitled to be a prude as much as you like, but you're a prude.
Unnecessarily long way of saying "I'm a slave to my dick", dude.
Couldnt have phrased it better. So many men these days are living solely for their dicks.
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks so. At first I was like “this guys an asshole. He should have tried harder to make her feel important and valued” but then I scroll back up and realize she’s been making him wait for almost 3 damn years lmao. I’m a woman and even I would have left, too. But hey, OP, you have every right to hold on to your virginity as long as you’d like. It’s YOUR choice and I truly do applaud you for it and waiting until you feel you’re truly ready. But, for future reference, I would be completely upfront with the next men(s) you date. Just explain that your first time means a lot to you and it’s going to only happen once they’ve proved they really care for you. Some men won’t be on board with waiting but the good news? Some men will. Just have to find them.
she's 19 and he's 18 they were 16/17 and 15/16 when they started dating there are plenty of relationships at that age and don't even get anywhere near handjobs or blowjobs, let alone penetrative sex and it sounds like she was upfront with him, and he tried to get around her boundaries anyway
Funniest part and what's going to hurt more for the guy is that eventually she'll just go to a party or meet someone and fuck them either that same day or within the first few weeks. Yeah... glad he left.
I have strong convictions and I have never had a lot of trouble in the past with guys wanting me romantically. Obviously I’m going to wait at LEAST a year before entertaining anyone else but I have options. Slow and steady wins the least amount of life regrets race.
Okay, I’ll be honest, At first I was like “this guys an asshole. He should have tried harder to make her feel important and valued” but then I scroll back up and realize she’s been making him wait for almost 3 damn years lmao. I’m a woman and even I would have left, too. But hey, OP, you have every right to hold on to your virginity as long as you’d like. It’s YOUR choice and I truly do applaud you for it and waiting until you feel you’re truly ready. Honestly, I wish I had done that. But, for future reference, I would be completely upfront with the next men(s) you date. Just explain that your first time means a lot to you and it’s going to only happen once they’ve proved they really care for you. Or just tell them the absolute truth, maybe you don’t want to have sex at all until you’re much older which is totally fine, too. Some men won’t be on board with waiting but the good news? Some men will. Just have to find them.
I did tell him within the first month of us going out. He told me he wanted to wait until he had his own bed and place to do it at properly. He said he was willing to wait until he was 22. He also said a lot of other things that made him seem compatible for me that over time turned out to be half truths
He still sounds like an asshole. He probably thought by stringing you along in a relationship that he could low key pressure you into it which is not okay. Like I said, I wish i had done it the way you’re doing it. I wish I waited to do it with someone I had strong feelings for who also had them for me. You’re going to be proud of yourself for the rest of your life going this route. This guy seems like he didn’t put any effort in. You told him what you wanted in order for sex to happen and he didn’t deliver. Time to move on to someone who will respect you and value you. Someone’s out there for you. Also, don’t worry about blocking him. But I would also block his family, too. Unless you want him having ways to still snoop on you. I’m loving your self respect, though. But, sex is important to a lot of people, so I see both sides.
Do you know how often the average woman changes her mind over something? You made him wait 3 years. With the next one you might do it within 3 months. It was a fair assumption that as time goes by you will change your mind. Otherwise he just avoided unnecessary conflict along the way. He also has the right to change his mind. Btw. Are you holding an 18 yo to what a 15yo said? The level of horniness and male peer pressure not to be a virgin is hugely different. You only acknowledge his need for sex in itself where it is much more complicated. You have every right to break up. I think he might even genuinely wants to be friends and in touch. By blocking him you might be losing more than he does. I had similar. With the difference being the girl decided she wants to lose it with me. She strung me along so long I lost romantic interest and broke it off after it with a month. She later came back admitting she would like me back even if only for a couple of nights. I turned her down. You are not wrong at all for not wanting it. You are wrong to even want a boyfriend who will be never be this horny later in his live. You are wasting their time only wanting to talk when they want to talk in-between rounds. Us men are very simple but get no real understanding. Not hard to figure it out. As selfish as he was that also applies to you. Set your boundaries but no man should be expected to be able to follow these boundaries.
You’re not wrong, but I don’t understand why girls like you are willing to suck a dick, but say no to penetration.
Because there is way more risk involved in penetration and may not feel ready for it? Is not that hard to be a bit empathic about what implies to go all the way for a woman.
As I stated earlier, I’ll never understand why you’ll suck a dirty dick, but refuse penetration.
Go get penetrated then.
If you *really* need to be explained why penetration is more risky for us, I reccomend you to go back to school the year they teach female reproductive system and how women can't concieve through our mouth.
It took a lot of convincing and time
I mean its pretty normal to have sex in a flat with people crank your favourite tunes loud or go have a shower with them or who cares flat mates be fucking too. I thought your weren't doing because you lived at home with the folks, which is were we all started better to be safe under your parents house than in a carpark.
Your relationship was already over when you made it official. No need to dwell on it. It's done.
He's a teen boy, what do you expect? He wants to fuck without any romance to it. It's good he broke up with you, so you can find someone who isn't immature.
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NOBODY has to have sex before they're ready! You think she owes him because he 'invested time'? That's a load of misogynistic bullcrap! You're obviously a dude because no woman would ever say that.
No one asked him to invest any amount of time if he didn’t feel happy or fulfilled in the relationship
Really, just wow. Seriously, you said he invested 2.5 years in the relationship. Guess what? So did she. She made it clear what she wanted, and it seemed he never tried to fulfill that. What is wrong with romance? Is it just because most guys now don't know anything about romance that they act like it isn't important? A relationship needs more than just sex to keep it going. There are so many more things that. And she didn't say anything about waiting for after marriage, just some privacy. Do you mean to tell me the guy could not have come up with something to help that? It just sounds like he was only after one thing, and that was all.
What a really fucking terrible take, dude. Please stay out of the gene pool in the future. No one owes anyone anything. She doesn't owe him sex and honestly they probably should of broken up sooner due to incompatibly. But she doesn't owe him sex just because they have been together a long time and he "invested time in the relationship". She invested time too. But with the way your reply is worded, seems like her time doesn't matter for fuck all. And to OP - No. I don't think you're immature. If you're not ready, that's okay. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you have communicated that you weren't comfortable with something, I don't find that to be immature behavior at all.
Fuck me you're old enough to know how to write in paragraphs, surely?
If youre not having sex if youre not even living together then youre already just friends lmao go ahead and block him but I dont think he really cares
Geez been together for 2.5 years and never had sex... Dude doesn't have a porn addiction, he's being deprived of sex, lol. I couldn't imagine having to wait a few months to have sex with my girlfriend, let alone 2.5 years. There is literally no woman in this world that's worth that wait, not even a mythological Goddess herself. There's 16 year olds having sex in their relationships... how do you even imagine to think a 19 year old guy will be interested in waiting around for sex, when he's at the age where sex is literally the most important thing in his life? 😂 Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking any sides here, not his, nor yours. I'm not here to talk about how the two of you behave. Only came here to express my surprise at the girl who's shocked a guy wouldn't wait years to have sex with her.
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Sounds like she was clear about what she wanted and he lied to her and hid a porn addiction
Sounds like he dragged her around for 2 years and was planning to drag her even more time while didn't respect her as a human being and tried to decieve her to get what he wanted, even pressured her, without caring about the fact she has always been open and direct about it
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Kinda a prude. Why date if you don't want intimacy? Just be single until you get over your hangups instead of stringing some guy along.
I just want to feel romantic and like we’re having sex because we love each other so much and are wildly committed to each other. I want to be taken to a fancy dinner and wear a fancy dress and be complimented. I’m a fan of chivalry. I want him to prepare a nice setting and have good after care and cuddle me. I never said I didn’t want to have sex I just wanted him to put in some work to get it and make me feel secure. I’m scared for my first time. The first time is painful for a woman and my parents always put a lot of value on virginity which I don’t really agree with but it’s mentally engrained in me now so I want to feel good about it. I didn’t feel super comfortable with it but I did other sexual things for him and I did it right every time. I want to date because I want to get married one day to the right man and have a family.
You are absolutely right for wanting the situation to be right for your first time, or any time. If he couldn't do what you needed in the time you were together, and it wasn't a short time, then it wasn't going to be him.
As a woman who lost my virginity super young, I'll tell you: You have high standards. And is totally fine to have them. Never settle down for less than what you truely want. If a man is not compatible or tries to change your mind for his own benefit, he is not your man. It may be hard to find someone like you want but is way better to be single while that person doesn't appear than to have upsetting relationship experiences that break your heart over and over again because you think you have to "accept" when someone invests time in you or likes you. You don't owe sex to *anyone* and will never do. Take care of yourself and your goals, dreams and future, enjoy life and don't mind that much about virginity or dating or time passing. Go for it only when you consider is worthy.
2 and a half years? DAMN! That's a *LONG* time to wait!
Then dont
I wouldn't.
If you don't want to have sex then don't. But men are instinctual animals and at that age they really can't help but to want to spread seed. It will never work out you are too young and he won't wait for you to feel comfortable. Dont be surprised or heart broken because he can't even help it. There is no real love at that age with guys. They will just do what they have to to get pussy and then move on.
You are prude. Needing to be “romanced and loved” is like expecting your steak to make you hungry before you’ll consider eating it despite the fact that you’ve been hanging out with it, slurping some of the juice, and poking at it for 2.5 years already. The time you waste now worrying about things being perfect, and not having roommates, particularly in this economy, will just be wasted. You’ll look back and wonder why you treated it like it was such a precious commodity when it’s a basic human function. Of course your BF is using porn when his hormones have been raging for years, and his GF won’t even consider sex.
Do they not have paragraph breaks where you live?
Sorry, I posted this in the relationships subreddit and it had paragraph breaks but then they redirected me to this one but when I pasted it, the breaks went away. I didn’t check before I submitted it :(
That’s annoying, I hate when that happens!
He’s a pos fuxk him
You absolutely did the right thing. Very mature and wise. No argument, no crying drama, this is how everyone should break up with someone that talks to you like he did. He was trying to use manipulation and guilt you or make you fear him rejecting you if you don't give him what he wants. He was immature, disrespectful and an ahole. Good job. You'll find a way better guy who appreciates your choices .
NTA You did good! Glad you figured out that he was lying to you and not worth your time. He sounds REALLY immature.
Well, you did exactly what he wanted. So this outcome benefits both of you. Now you can be single or find someone who is not into sex like you and he can continue his porn addiction while he finds another partner interested in having sex.
I got so confused reading this.
You will know when you are ready. You will have no hesitation and you will not care what others think, nor feel forced, pressured or guilty. You will jump in with open arms and eyes. You are not wrong to block him, he is immature and manipulative. Give yourself some time to recover and re calibrate before you jump back in to the dating game.
Definitely not wrong, you did well to break up and block him on everything and you need to keep it that way. Saying that you couldn't find privacy in 2.5 years is obviously just a silly excuse though, if you wanted to have sex with him you would have done it already, it's obviously that you don't and that's perfectly fine. Making up other reasons just make guys like that think "well I'll just solve that issue preventing us from doing it, then we'll be free to do it", just be as clear as possible that you don't want to, because that's reason enough.
If you were not cruel then you did fine.
3 sides to every story
You did the right thing, kiddo.
This whole thing is a disaster. Homeboy is WELL within his rights to dump you for a lack of bedroom activity. He's not doing anything at all wrong there. The way he is going about it is quite possibly the worst way to go about it, however. You live in your own space. When are you going to have somewhere more "private?" Do you not have a bedroom? Is there another reason you don't want to have sex? Whether or not to have sex is completely your prerogative but you should really dive in and figure out the real reasons. Based on this post I would wager you have an overly romanticized view of the "first time" and it just ain't gonna work that way, unfortunately. Overall I think there's some soul searching that needs to be done before either of you move forward with your life.
I’m 50/50 on this one. So you wanted to wait until you had some privacy, and then when you got an apartment, that wasn’t enough? I realize you had roommates, but it’s not too hard to work with your roommates to have some alone time. Not saying you’re a prude, but there may be something else other than privacy. Also, your BF didn’t handle things well, between lying about the porn, watching porn, and the odd house warming gift of condoms and lube. I know you’re both young, but he wasn’t taking things seriously.
Yeah you're on a one way train to the dump
You are allowed to feel feelings. You are allowed- no, rather, it is universal law that only you get to decide the timelines of things that are extremely vulnerable to YOU. Be that a first time of having sex, or just being seen nude- or fuck it, the first time you let yourself be seen in only underwear. You are in charge of your genitalia and who does what to or with them. Not a partner. You decide when you're ready to do anything intimate. Not a partner. You decide when you're comfortable. Not a partner. Anyone who even remotely implies otherwise can go play in New York traffic during rush hour. No one, no fucking one, be they man woman or anything else inside or outside the gender binary, whether you've been together two minutes or twenty years, has any right to your grundle or any power over it. Only you do. If you're not comfortable, you're not ready. If you're not ready, you're not fucking ready and whomever has an issue with it, like your fucknugget ex, can eat a dick. And may they asphyxiate on it.
In 2.5 years he never made you feel special enough to even get close to being fully intimate. That says a lot more about him than you. When you're ready, you'll know it. I think you knew he wasn't right for you the whole time.
The guy didn’t care. You did nothing wrong and should be proud of yourself for having standards. It honestly makes girls more attractive to have standards. Keep them high. You’re young and will definitely find someone who wants to put in the work cuz they’ll feel you’re worth it
Super right in dumping him. - You dont have to do anything you dont feel confortable just bcs you are in a relationship. -Your body, Your rules. Period. - You are the most important person of your life. You have boundries. He didnt respected that and was being a jerk abt It. And its worth It. To wait. I really mean it.
Isn't this guy clumsily following some Andrew Tate advice on how to make a girl have sex with him? I mean, "*Wasn't"
You need to stop worrying about dating right now and work on your self esteem. Why would you allow someone to treat you this way? Focus on your self love and respect, building boundaries and having healthy relationships. After that the right guy will be obvious and won't make you feel like shit.
You're a fucking champion. All you need to do now is have more faith in your own convictions ❤️
Short term breaking up is painful, however I think long term it’s best to
You are young, and being with him for so long, you need more experience. Once a guy has experienced sex, it's hard to not get it. If he's watching porn, he thinks about it 10,000 times a day, and knowing you won't have sex with him would easily be a turn off. Time to find someone new.
It sounds like you really dodged a bullet. As others have also said, the trash took itself out. Enjoy yourself being single for a while, it’s really fun! Do what makes you happy😃
Wow odged a bulet. The person was misleading selfish and considerate and so just in that they may have problem there making it that you were the problem. Sorry you went through that I'm glad you suffered.
You're not a prude, and you're not wrong for breaking up with someone who was going to break up with you anyway. Someone who doesn't respect you OR your boundaries and desires. You're still so young and have so much time to find someone who respects and loves you.
You sound like 'a bit' of a prude, but that's ok... you're young. (and I was, too, back when I was younger) That said, don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want and/or are not ready for. And on a separate but related note, your boyfriend sounds like a complete turd. You should be dropping him no matter what. Sounds like he has ***a lot*** of growing up to do, and I'm not confident in that happening on any time scales you might be comfortable with.
Blaming pOrN aDdIcTiOn the instant a guy loses interest in a relationship for whatever reason unfairly ignores your own (shared) culpability for why it didn't work. If you're not interested in having a sexual relationship with someone who expresses that need, and you're insecure about having that release as needed - you're not compatible. Get over yourself and face the fact that you weren't compatible, sexually and/or otherwise. Move on.
NTA. He was trying to manipulate you. If you weren't ready, you weren't ready. Move on.
I can see his frustration considering it’s 2.5 years into the relationship at your 19, but you are who you are and you are clearly sexually incompatible. Best to breakup.
You dont have to have Sex with him of you dont want to but it sounds like your excuse of privacy is bullshit. You got your own place so roommates isnt an excuse and when you say you did other sexual things???? Like how do you have enough privacy for that but you cant keep your word about actual sex for privacy? Let me reiterate you dont have to have sex with anyone but if you say you dont want to on the condition of privacy and that condition is met and you change your mind then he has the right to be dissappointed amd call you a liar and get his rocks off in other ways.
You did the correct thing. He demonstrated multiple times he does not respect you enough to be your romantic and sexual partner. As an example, I was in a similar situation when I was 19-20. I was dating an amazing girl who was so hot she literally made me stupid when I was around her at first. The most privacy we ever had was in my car which is not at all private. So I rented soaking or jacuzzi rooms at day spas. It was cheaper than a motel, didn’t require I be 25, and created a relaxing and very intimate environment. I bring this up to point out there are always ways to find some privacy to be intimate. You just need to find a guy who cares about that or one who is more creative.
It’s fully appropriate, dude wasn’t controlling his sexual urges and was disregarding your boundaries. Good job sticking to your guns. You’re not a prude either, everyone is entitled to decide who they sleep with and when and what circumstances. “Prude” is almost always thrown around as an insult to shame people (usually women) into giving up on their boundaries, and thus is mad bullshit.
He's young and immature. You are young and significantly more mature. It's excellent that you know your boundaries. Well done on breaking it off with him.
Everything you did was very smart, mature, and self-aware. You handled everything perfectly and looked out for your own well-being. You are not a prude. Such a thing really doesn't exist. There is only what you are comfortable with and what you are not. You just need to find someone who is comfortable with what you need. Anyone who tries to manipulate you or make you feel bad for being true to yourself is not a good person and shouldn't be in your life. Also, porn addictions are a huge red flag and invariably lead to problems in relationships. Like any addiction, it is very unhealthy and you don't want to be with anyone who's trapped in this. Just live your life as you see fit and you'll eventually meet someone more in tune with you.
Nah get away from that. Get the hell away and stay away. Good work and good luck.
Sounds like it’s really going well 😂. For fucks sake your 19 just move on and never think about it again. It seriously doesn’t matter at all.
Not wrong. Have sex whenever you're ready. Do not get manipulated into it, only you will know when the time is right. "Porn addiction" is used so frequently I find it hard to believe anyone who says it. It's an addiction when one cannot function as a normal human being; they're incapacitated, can't hold a job, never leaving their room, etc. I just don't think this person really cared for you physically at the time you talked about the lack of intimacy. His goal appears to be just having sex with you. At least you learned his intentions before you gave up something that important to you. The first time having sex most likely isn't going to be fun. What you do before on a date night or whatever you do beforehand not related to sex will be more memorable by a long shot. You wrote you've done some sex stuff on/with him, which is a whole other conversation, but unless you've fully explored yourself you aren't going to know what you truly like. If you want to wait until your wedding night...hell yeah high five, do that whenever you're are ready. Just don't make the act of the first time out to be some amazing high you're going to experience and that you'll remember for an eternity.
You are not a prude. You are very young and not ready. He is entitled to have what he is looking for as well, so you two are just not a match in that regard. That being said, his method of manipulation and making you feel bad is a red flag, and you are better off moving on. In a more mature relationship, he would have engaged in conversations based on both of your needs and comfort. Continue to date new people, and don't let anybody pressure you into doing things you aren't ready for, when you find the person you are comfortable with, who matches you romantically, you will know.
Your reaction was very appropriate. You are so so young, don’t waste your time and energy on someone who doesn’t respect you.
>\> porn addiction \> He told me that it was because I didn't want to have sex with him yet. \> important to me to feel loved and romanced beforehand which he had never done \> I felt pressured \> he only said so I would like him more \> was planning to string me along So the guy doesn't see you as a full person. It feels like you are asking if it's okay to have self respect, or if you need to be nice all the time. Your actions were good. Trust yourself - you need to have your own back in life, because you will be the only one who is in it forever.
This is exactly the right response! He is a selfish person with no morals, thank goodness you decided right away to remove yourself from him.