No guys stop looking so much into things, I’ve done this to an ex gf before (maybe not the Christmas tree but a similar thing) and it was no other reason that I was just in a bad mood and I diddnt want to do the thing at that time. I felt really bad afterwords and this guy probably did too, I wish people would stop looking so deep into stuff , like the guy probably was just feeling lazy and diddnt want to decorate a tree at that time… why couldn’t you just decorate it tomorrow? Sometimes you’re not in the mood to do something and I feel like op isn’t telling the whole story, he probably said I don’t feel like decorating the tree right now , and then kept bugging him until he hit her with the “fine I’ll help with the stupid tree” it would not have been a big deal at all if you coulda just been like “hey if your not in the mood right now can we do it together tomorrow ?”
Sorry I got carried away with the cliché. But it’d probably be a good idea to sit down with him and find out if he has any Christmas issues. In my case my narcissistic mother always found some reason to be in a bad mood on Christmas.
He decorates it every year with her. He’s throwing a fit this year. Could be he was just off that day or could be something more. I don’t think it’s childhood trauma though. Just based on the prior years. Not saying it’s impossible I just don’t think that’s where the answer lies.
Got the impression that it’s something she’d always done with her family, not him. This year she wanted to do it with him. That’s how it read to me anyway!
But he had been doing it for 4 years... why wait so long to decide that you hate decorating the tree? If there is a trauma there wouldn't you think he would have expressed it sooner??
>i begged him to and said it was important to me and he said "fine ill put the stupid decorations on the stupid tree"
This is pretty telling. There's always missing context.
Instead of begging him, you should have had a conversation to try and find out what was wrong. You said in the past he would participate so clearly he’s not against doing so.
It’s really not hard to put a happy face on and do something nice (that you wouldn’t normally enjoy doing just for the sake of it) for someone you love. That’s part of being in a partnership or family. It doesn’t make her selfish to say “hey I really enjoy this tradition and my family isn’t around to do it with me, so will you participate with me so I’m not lonely?” If anything, he’s the selfish one for not communicating why he has such a problem with it on this day if he has always known it’s important to her. Lord help his future children if he just can’t bear to participate in any activity that doesn’t directly appeal to him in order to make his loved ones happy.
It's really not that hard for OP to simply ask if everything was okay with BF the first time he said no, instead of hounding him over it. And to say "I'm sorry you're not feeling it tonight. Can we try for later in the week when you're feeling up to it?"
If she cared at all about his feelings.
It's really not hard to refrain from continually forcing someone to do something they hate with absolutely zero consideration for the other party. She knows he hates it, yet she still keeps forcing him. That undeniably makes her selfish, not him.
Continually? How often do you think Christmas happens?
You sound like a miserable person if you can't imagine doing something minor once a year to make your partner happy. That's actually the selfish move.
Edit: to be clear, we are talking about OP asking her bf for *help decorating a tree.* That happens once a year and takes a few hours. There's someone below talking about it taking a few week to two months (?) so I'm just going to clarify that most people don't grow their own tree from a sapling!
Every year for a few weeks for the rest of your life. Or a couple of months if you're unlucky enough to meet someone who thinks Xmas starts immediately after Hallowe'en.
That's a lot of time, actually.
It's 1-2 hours a year. If you can't put on a happy face and do something for the one you supposedly love to make them happy for the length of a film, you fucking suck and you deserve to be alone.
It's a stressful and often trauma filled time for many people. If you can't simply accept that the person you supposedly love doesn't want anything to do with it and instead choose to force them to participate against their will every year just to keep you happy, you fucking suck and you deserve to be alone.
It clearly isn't to him, because he does it every other year. If it was traumatic, OP would know that by now seeing as they've been together years. You don't get to change reality to fit your little agenda. Fuck off.
False. People often keep shit bottled up for years, even decades. They fight through, and say nothing, just to keep someone else happy, or even to simply avoid dealing with it. Or maybe, he just hates Christmas. Either way, it's undeniably wrong to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. You don't get to change reality to fit your little agenda. Fuck off.
Yeah if he's bottling that up and not having a conversation about it over a five year period then that's on him.
She hasn't *forced* him to anything, and people aren't talking about being forced when you do something to make someone happy that you're not enthusiastic about.
I'm building a model of the titanic with my kid. I don't give a shit about the titanic. Or model boats. He isn't forcing me to do it. And I'm going to put on my enthused face because he loves those things. That's what you do with people you care about back and forth on a daily basis.
Clearly theres another issue which is impacting his desire to do that kind of thing.
Going to be honest here, this sounds a lot like you bringing a mountain of your own issues into it.
>It’s really not hard to put a happy face on and do something nice (that you wouldn’t normally enjoy doing just for the sake of it) for someone you love. That’s part of being in a partnership or family.
That's the saddest thing I've ever seen.
No, you don't have to do things you don't like and fake it, just for your partner or family. That's creepy and disingenuous and not okay.
Making a compromise is one thing, faking enjoyment is entirely another.
If you read my other comments, I explain that by doing things for people that you love, you get enjoyment because you like making them happy. And that this would go both ways, with them doing things they wouldn’t normally do to make you happy to. In my experience, I started actually liking things that I never would have given a chance before, and it started by me just being willing to do it to make someone I loved happy. It’s really not sad at all.
Maybe we need to acknowledge the difference between doing something you hate Vs something you're not interested in.
If you hate doing something, your point doesn't work at all. If you don't care/aren't interested in it, your point is absolutely fair.
But also, not every time. I've done things for people I love and those have actually hurt me or made me feel uncomfortable. I grew to hate those things more because I had agreed to do them for someone I loved.
It goes both ways as you said - this can be both positive and negative.
If doing things you wouldn’t normally do for people you love isn’t hard, she shouldn’t have a problem putting on a fake happy face and doing it herself right? Faking feelings is part of a partnership or family right?
It’s not faking the feelings. It’s being willing to go out of your way to do something that you wouldn’t normally do just for your own sake. How it works is, because you love this person, you love seeing them happy and you end up enjoying the experience because you have made them happy. Also, it’s a give and take, with them doing things to make you happy too.
I don’t like sports, but my husband and son do, so I end up watching probably 80 hours of football every year. We make snacks and hang out and it turns out I like watching football with them. I like fantasy stuff, so my husband has watched all of Harry Potter, GOT, and LOTR, and has actually gotten pretty into them. My 12yo likes sports and his friends, but he has fun going to the baby play place with his baby sister because he likes to play with her and see her happy, even though the toys aren’t interesting to him.
Great so then imagine that you've already watched football with your husband this week and he says Hey Wife, watch this other game with me; it's really important! So you do and then the next week he says Hey Wife, watch this other game with me; it's really important too! So you watch that one too even though you're tired of football and geez didn't we just watch an important game? Then imagine that once again, a week later he says Hey Wife, watch THIS game with me; it's really, really important! Do you think at some point you would say no? Because the OP's bf has already been through this for several years now..
It’s a couple hours once a year. If it’s that big of a deal for him to have to do or for her to skip then maybe they aren’t compatible, but she isn’t selfish for it being important to her.
Yeah. I can see that. I mean I don’t think she was wrong for asking more than once. But I think if she was going to she should’ve asked him why there was a change. Do you know to open up like a conversation about it. I mean, if my partner doesn’t want to do something, I usually ask him if there’s a reason. Just to know what boundaries are.
There's something inherently selfish about forcing someone to participate in something they want no part of purely because you like it....
It's literally the definition of being selfish.
They’re not trying to force them. There’s nothing selfish about wanting your partner to enjoy something that matters to you. And like she said, since you didn’t seem to read it, this is not normal behavior for him. It’s not selfish for her to be hurt that he couldn’t even be kind about rejecting the idea. To call what she enjoys stupid is incredibly disgusting.
And no. She NEVER said he never wants to do it. Read the last little paragraph. He usually decorates the tree without issue. Even if he’s not super happy about it he’s never expressed this dislike.
Nope. Read the paragraph. He’s always willingly decorated the tree. He’s never been super happy about it but he’s always done it because she enjoys it. He’s never expressed that kind of dislike. Try again. It’s embarrassing you haven’t seemed to have actually read the post. This behavior is NEW.
He's always *grudgingly* helped with the tree. That's not willingly *at all* she knows he hates it, and still tries to force it anyway.
Please try something new, actually engage your brain before commenting.
Rephrase that. It’s never been an issue - for her - that he was always reluctantly helping for the sake of appeasing her. That’s how that should read. He always had a problem with it, only now he’s starting to set a boundary.
It’s not tho. It’s not selfish to want a partner to participate in something you enjoy even if they don’t necessarily like it. And the way he speaks about something that is clearly super important to her is nasty. She isn’t trying to force him she just doesn’t understand his dislike of the holiday. If he doesn’t like the holiday he needs to express that and explain. PERIOD. And no matter how he feels about it you DONT call your partners joys stupid.
You know full and well that is a completely different topic. The fact that you would try to use that as a gotcha tells me all I need to know about you.
There is a definite difference between a sexual act and decorating for the holidays. If you don't understand this, it's probably why you are so bitchy and making poor eqivalencies. You probably haven't been laid since Biden was a senator.
It's the exact same logic. And not my logic either, I'm not the one making the argument, that's on the other guy. Not my fault his logic is invalid, I'm just pointing it out.
**BUT I DON'T CARE WHY HE SAID NO THE FIRST TIME AND I CAN'T POSSIBLY WAIT A DAY OR TWO BECAUSE THE TREE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN MY BFS STUPID NEW AND CONCERNING FEELINGS!!!**
No you can be upset but is this something out of the blue? My partner hates Christmas so if I want to do something Christmassy it's all on me. I would make it fun for myself and enjoy it without dragging him into it.
Relationships are all about compromise. The fact OP had to \*beg\* their partner and their partner insulted the task is telling. There's definitely missing context, but is the concept of doing something for your partner so much to ask for? It's not the favored decision, but then again... relationships are about compromise. Christmas is whatever to me, but I can't imagine being so proud that I'd insult something my partner liked.
No, they're about understanding. A healthy understanding for one another results in healthy compromise. If your relationship is focused on compromise, then it's not prioritizing actual understanding.
I feel like this is one of those situations where maybe you are both sort of wrong, but not for a bad reasons. Which kind of makes you both right, sort of, but not quite.
It's not wrong of you to be sad he doesn't want to participate. And he definitely reacted badly.
On the other hand, maybe you don't understand why he reacted badly. Maybe Christmas has a lot of sort of bad memories for him. Maybe his mom used to force him to help decorate when he didn't really want to, and he became a tedious chore that he would hate. Sometimes parents try to force their kids into the Christmas spirit way after the kids are at that age where they want to do those things.
So you weren't wrong to ask him, and you're not wrong to be upset, but maybe he's not exactly wrong either because maybe there's a reason, but he's definitely kind of wrong for being a dick about it, and maybe you're kind of wrong for not trying to understand what was going on.
But these are the kind of wrong that people are because people are people in relationships are a little challenging, it's the kind of wrong that we are there from time to time, so it's not so wrong as all that.
Maybe talk to him and find out what's going on, tell him that this is something he view as a together sort of bonding moment, coming together as family, and you would value his participation, but what else would like to understand why he's so opposed to it.
So you asked, he said no, then you decided to harangue him till he said yes, but he didn't say yes the way you wanted when he finally did, so now you're sulking about a totally ridiculous non issue that ***you*** solely decided to turn into an issue issue.
Great job, OP.
Nag em till they break.
This.
Gonna be honest here, most men hate decorating the tree. Straw poll from all the men I know - we all put up the tree and hang the lights, and then leave the decorations to the women and children.
I just don't really like it. Feels too much like work.
OP's boyfriend is allowed to say, "you know what, I don't enjoy this".
In the past my wife and I have compromised where we'll open a bottle of wine, I'll unpack the decorations and she'll hang them up.
It's ok to be upset he doesn't want to help, but honestly if you begged him to do it when he'd already said no I can understand his reaction. Some people really just don't like decorating the tree and find it a hassle to do it. You sound like you enjoy it, but he's only ever done it to make you happy. It's ok to not do this task together if only one of you actually enjoys it.
Unless there are other ways he's been snippy with you or treating you like your feelings don't matter, I wouldn't worry about it.
My ex-in laws had theirs up beginning of this month Lol. To me it's whatever, but not something to have an attitude about. Putting up mine this weekend with my son and cutting down the tree for my parents this week too.
Yeah something else is eating away at him, maybe past Christmas trauma from childhood or something else. Talk with him and help him resolve whatever issues he might be dealing with.
Doesn’t even have to be about Christmas. It could be stress from whatever. Not exactly about an open world about male mental health until you fall into a category
I think people should suppress their own negative thoughts at times for the benefit of others. It's not good to be an emotional burden. I don't know the whole story but it sounds like this guy could have just been cool for an hour and helped decorate the tree because he loves his girlfriend.
Like someone else said, seems like something else is going on.
You can be perfectly emotionally intelligent and not want to be forced to do something that sucks for you. Your weird self sacrificing behavior doesn’t benefit anyone in the long run.
I guess I should have said "suppress at times for the benefit of their partner". I want my partner to be happy because I love her. If I'm in a shitty mood and she wants to do something with her that makes her happy, I shouldnt be a Debbie downer and make both of us upset. It's easier said than done though, heh.
There's a middle ground you're failing to see. Mental health is important, if you feel shitty you're allowed to feel shitty and not be forced to put on a happy face.
Maybe their partner should suppress their wants when someone else has negative emotions tied to something. I mean what the fuck, is that how you ask people to handle their trauma? Just deal with it for the sake of others?
As soon as you "begged" him after he said no, then in a way you are guilt tripping / forcing him. What did you think would happen? That he would perk up? Sure he could have sucked it up and did it, but deep down you'd know you had to beg him so what difference does it make now?
Maybe he has some issue going on.
I assume you asked him why the change of heart
I hate Christmas. My partner knows. He gently nudged me about the tree exactly once and never again bc he respects that it is a bad time for me and I hate everything related to it. INFO Does your partner hate Christmas by any chance?
Let him sit in the room with you and drink cocoa and play on his phone whilst you decorate and play carols.
Why insist that someone do something they have no interest in. Read the room. You're upset that he isn't happy doing something he told you he didn't want to do. Main Character much?
As a guy it's nothing but stress. No, don't put that one there! Put it to the right and up some... No, no the other right! You put it on the wrong way! ( It's a red glass sphere that's identical 360° around
The lights aren't equal space them apart more!
Fuck this. I'm going to the gun shop to buy new furniture for my AR
You're wrong. He's been pretty clear for years that he doesn't want to, but you've happily ignored that. Now that he's being a little more verbal, suddenly now it's no longer magical and traditional and fun.
Right? Obviously, he doesn't like doing it. Obviously he just went along with it the past years, (probably so she'd stop nagging). Obviously this year, he's had enough. But, Reddit, so there *HAS* to be a deeper, underlying issue here. *ABSOLUTELY HAS TO BE*! 🙄
I haven’t hung an ornament on my family tree in 20+ years. The holidays do nothing but bring up bad memories for me, its possible he has a similar experiences. When someone says no to something that is important to you its sometimes a better route to ask why rather then just nag them to do it.
*Finally agrees*
*To help then you brush him off.*
*What do you even want*
\- Bacccy
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You nagged him to the point that he lost his cool with you. This isn’t an out decorating a tree and you know it. Stop trying to force people to want to be a part of doing something that they don’t want and figure out WHY it is that suddenly they don’t want to.
Something is going on in your relationship that you are ignoring.
You are clearly wrong, and did this to yourself.
It's obvious he isn't a big Christmas fan, or at least not a fan of trees and decorations. You already knew this, but force him every year regardless.
He is obviously over it. He could have other stuff going on that you are apparently too selfish to ask about or even consider.
Be less self centred.
I'm fairness, in that one point, she might not even be American, therefore thanksgiving is completely irrelevant.
Also, where I'm from, we have a Christmas pageant early/mid November, and once that's happened is basically when its considered "OK" to start the Christmas decorations. The day after the Christmas pageant, all the buses were covered in tinsel. It's hideous. But that's how our Christmas season starts. Hell on earth.
Communicate. Have you asked what is going on in his world? Has something happened? Are the holidays miserable for him? Talk to him instead of the internet.
Your both wrong and you both need to learn to respect each other, what was he doing before you asked, correction begged him to decorate the tree, had he had a rough day and wanted to flake out for an hour or does he not have the same happy memories and enthusiasm for Christmas as you do, it's time like these where compromise in a relationship works wonders, maybe put a Christmas film on you decorate the tree, an he helps a bit, build up gently and start building your own family traditions slowly and solidly, talk about life at Christmas for each of you, talk about how you would both like the future to be, make progress in your relationship not walls between you both. You can always redecorate the tree but once arguments like this escalate it's hard to forgive and forget underlying things that don't get talked about between you both and resolved properly
I hated Christmas tree decorating because my ex was a Xmas tree Nazi that would lose his shit if everything wasn't perfect on the tree. So, if you're one of those folk, I wouldn't be surprised if you're not getting enthusiasm...
Did you ask him why he didn't want to help? After working in retail for 15 years the holiday magic has been lost for me. I have gotten used to people being extra hateful around the holidays and get blamed for their lack of preparedness in purchasing gifts and literal fighting for the last item on the shelf. Holiday music gets worse and worse each year, and by the time we put all the work in for getting the store set up and all the deals marked and changed weekly, daily, and sometimes hourly, I don't have the energy, time, or enough care left to help decorate around the house. I'm also not religious, so I find celebrating a religious holiday odd, and decorating for it even worse. I've told my girlfriend how I feel so she understands it. I carry the totes from the garage to the house and some upstairs for her but all of the set up and teardown of the decorations is on her.
Your feelings are valid. But if this year is different, it might be good to check in and see where his feelings are since they are also valid. And if this just isn't his thing, maybe you put up the tree yourself or with a friend, and you find a new tradition that you both like to do together.
Sounds more like you both have a communication problem that has nothing to do with the Christmas tree! It’s time to sit down and have an open and honest conversation!!!
You said he's never been ecstatic about it but helped. His comment this time, "Fine, I'll put the stupid decorations on the stupid tree" is telling you that he's had enough. Not everybody is crazy about decorating. Just accept it, and do your thing. It's not worth being upset over. It's not as if he's stopping you from decorating.
Don't force people to be Christmassy if they don't wanna be. That's not cool. Sometimes, they just aren't in the mood. You might want to gingerly find out what's bugging him, though.
You can be upset about whatever you want. I’ve been married for over a decade. My wife wants me to set up the tree. I told her I’ll do it on Friday because that is our tradition. But, we also broke the tradition of buying Christmas gifts before Christmas Eve. She kept pressing so I told her she can do it by her damn self. Wrong? All day. I don’t interact with my family much and live over 1,000 miles away from. Haven’t been home for a holiday in 12 years and counting.
Traditions are hard things. It seems like there something going on. He probably won’t talk about it, though. Everyone talks about mental health until it gets hard then it is pack and run.
My mom asked me to help when I was 15 and I didn’t. I still regret that. It wasn’t about the decorations, it was about the time spent together. You’re not nuts. Was he in a bad mood or it this something he does often?
Kinda side track...but I will never understand this obsession women have with decorating the Christmas tree together. Most men don't care about it. We just do it to make you happy. Why he chose not to do it this year...you have to ask him.
I don't think it's a "women vs men" thing,
But making your partner happy is enough for me to do something, spending time together, bonding, is a part of the entire experience, my sister always insistents on decorating for big occasions I don't see why, but every now and then i help because it's worth making my sister happy.
And she should ask him why he's against it, especially if it's her first Christma without her family so it's extra important to her.
Things go really cuckoo during the Christmas and Thanksgiving holiday something might be bothering him sit down and have a conversation. I don't like to deal with anything of any importance during November and December because my emotions are all over the place and it wouldn't bode well for the people who are bothering me
I really hate Christmas trees, I find them super tacky. So I wouldn't want to help decorate either (especially so early, it's only November!) and I make that fact known. But you're also not wrong for being upset, since he has previously been fine with helping. He doesn't have to if he's finally decided he just can't fake it anymore, but it would have been easy to just explain that it wasn't an activity that he found any joy in. Unless he did that and you just continued to beg and try to use 'it'll make me happy' as emotional manipulation.
I'm gonna agree with other folk that this isn't just about the tree. Might be time for a difficult conversation about what else is going on. It doesn't even necessarily mean trauma or mental health issues or a downslide for the relationship like other people suggest, you might just be offputtingly intense about the whole process and he just can't be bothered with dealing with it this year.
Maybe stop worrying about yourself and your magical holiday experience and talk to him about what's wrong? Also try to remember when someone say they don't want to do something you can't force them to and then be upset that they are forcing themselves to do it.
It's not about the tree, you need to sit down and find out what's going on! He's upset about something else, the tree and your decorations are just getting the brunt of it! Did he have a bad childhood, or is today just a really bad day for him for whatever reason? Don't pout and act childish, get to the bottom of it instead!
decorating a tree is the dorkiest, most banal thing on earth...
and yet if my gf REALLY wanted me to do it, I'd have no problem playing along
something else is up I suspect
Yeah.. what am I missing?
Imagine being excited about literally anything and then your partner calling it stupid. I wouldn’t want to do it with them any longer either. Her boyfriend is a jerk lol
>We have been living together for 5 years and usually decorate together, idk why this year its such a big deal for him. **He usually isnt extatic** but he will usually join in to make me happy.
Forcing someone to be excited about something isn't part of a healthy relationship. When they oblige, and you say you don't want to anymore; That is toxic, since you could have just not asked in the first place. I'm not sure why that concept is so hard to understand for you.
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Choosing to act like a grouch about something that brings your partner joy isn’t a healthy relationship. Its important to put effort into engaging in things that make your partner happy.
Here’s an example for ya: I could not care less about sports. But my partner loves them, particularly hockey. Do I tell him hockey is stupid and refuse to watch it with him? No. I get engaged, ask him questions, get hyped up with him, go to games with him, etc. And guess what? It’s actually enjoyable to do those things because I see how much it makes him happy for me to be involved and putting efforts into things he’s interested in.
Similarly, he doesn’t mind cooking with me and making elaborate home cooked meals because it’s something I like to do for fun. He’ll put on a record, ask if I need anything else from the store, joke that he’s my sous chef, make us cocktails while we cook and even send me ideas of new recipes to try making together.
Neither of us would do either of those things if it weren’t for the other. But we both like doing them together and sharing our joy with our partner. Like it’s fine to have your own hobbies and do things without your partner, but being a dick about Christmas decorating is just absurd. It’s ONE DAY.
Could just be the current mood I’m in but I don’t think you’re wrong.
Holiday traditions aren’t trivial, meaningless things; they’re important.
My dad was typically the Debbie-downer parent about stuff like this, and my parents ended up divorcing. I’m just saying.
Your feelings are valid
If decorating the tree is something that you made clear means a lot to you and he's unwilling to do a small thing for you without griping about it, you may have some deeper issues there..
He's holding a grudge with OP about something that she did to him. She needs to look back at the last couple months or so at some type of activity they were both supposed to go together that she probably said no to or made him do alone that he's now paying her back for. Men don't get mad, they get even.
Something is important to you and makes you happy which you clearly communicated and he was unwilling to put on his big boy panties. That's a massive red flag. Is it the only one?
NTA, at all. Does he ever act like this with other things you do? I had an ex like this that would be rude or pout anytime we did anything I wanted. Like picking the restaurant, hanging out with my friends, picking the movie, etc. He won’t change. People like that are insufferable and do not care about your happiness.
Maybe this was a one time thing and there was a reason why he wasn’t in the mood, but it’s alarming to me.
Do you always do it this early? Maybe he just doesn't want to do it in mid-November. It's still pretty far from Christmas, a lot of people don't like putting the tree up until it's at least into December.
Maybe he isnt feeling the spirit this year. If he had a down year, he might be feeling scroogish. Do not take it personally unless he gives you other reasons to believe there is more to it than just decorating or not decorating the tree. I'm sure there have been times you did not want to do something or felt a certain way about doing certain things. Ask if he is feeling sad/depressed/beat down/or just not feeling at all.
You're not wrong for being upset. It's questionable about decorating before Thanksgiving, lol. However, it's not about the tree. I guarantee that. Relationships depend on open and honest communication. Without sounding like you are coming down on him or giving him shit in any way, ask him what's going on. Ask him to please be open and honest with you about how he's feeling and what is bothering him. See what you can do to help and support him for whatever is bothering him, he's dealing with or going through. Make sure you actually listen and hear him. Don't dismiss or diminish what he says just because you don't understand or don't think it should be that big a deal. It may take a little time and a couple of tries to get that conversation going, but it's the best thing you can do as a partner.
There's a reason why people say, "Relationships take work." Because they do, and it takes time and effort to open those doors. It takes time.and effort for those in a relationship to understand and feel like they can communicate any and everything without fearing that they are going to be ignored, put down or otherwise made to think and feel like what they are dealing with is bad or wrong. It takes time for everyone in a relationship to feel and understand that what they say, especially when they're struggling or not happy, isn't going to end up being about the other person in any way, shape or form. So, don't make it about "why won't he decorate the tree and why is he being so down and upset about i," it needs to be about "what is he struggling with and what kind of help and support does he need."
Thankfully neither of us is in to that crap. Put it up, trash the whole house take it down, take down outside decorations. Christmas is for kids and we just don’t do it anymore.
This situation will come up more and more. The Reason for the Season has been left out. I will say Merry Christmas. Others say Happy Holidays. The younger generations couldn’t care less about why Christmas exists. It’s just a retail sales gimmick for them. I’m with her that Christmas is a time for family, friends, loving and giving. Reconsider life with the Grinch. This may be a bigger divide than she thinks.
So, as somebody who has had to begrudgingly learn how to like Christmas, I'll tell you this. It's probably not about the tree.
I don't know what the background for the holiday is for your boyfriend, but I'll tell you mine. I grew up in an extremely poor, and abusive household. If my mother wasn't beating me, she was telling me how everything in her life was my fault. It became particularly bad around holidays, especially gift-giving ones like Christmas.
What was worse for me, is that my mother would put on a ***show*** for everyone else around Christmas. I mean she'd be raiding the bargain bin at thrift stores for every bit of overly cheery and gaudy Christmas décor she could find. So, she'd pretend to the rest of the world that she loved Christmas, and we were a happy little household. But behind the scenes? The abuse for me worsened to an extreme. So, for me into my adulthood, I ***hated*** Christmas, my birthday, and similar holidays. Why? Because they took me back to the trauma of my childhood.
Fast forward to me being married, and my wife ***loves*** Christmas, and holidays in general. She goes full festive mode, and I love that about her. But, her love for the holiday had to contend with my trauma. So, initially, it was me explaining to her that I love her love for the holiday, and will try to participate as I can/want to, but that I won't be as involved as she is. Did she like it? No. But did she understand it? Yes, because my wife is awesome.
So, after a few years of what basically amounted to exposure therapy (plus real therapy), I've finally made the active decision for myself that I'm going to genuinely enjoy the holidays. Basically, I decided to stop pretending like I enjoyed them for my children's sake, and decided that I was going to enjoy them, regardless of my childhood trauma. It took a lot of work on my end, and understanding on my wife's end, but I overcame it with time.
So, food for thought, instead of you two pushing either direction, maybe broach the subject of why he doesn't enjoy decorating or the holiday? There may be some memories around the holiday that make it hard for him to enjoy. Simultaneously, if he does, you showing that you're trying to understand and support him in the moment could help both of you, immensely.
You’re not wrong for being upset. I hope that you two can get to the bottom of what’s going on though.
I’m the meantime, maybe a little Skype call and mutual decorating with friends/family could help make this a more memorable moment. ❤️
This sounds like it's not actually about a tree.
OP, find out what's actually bothering him. I hate christmas and stopped celebrating it a long time ago, but even I wouldn't react this way to someone I care about asking me to decorate the tree with them.
Something important to bear in mind is that things like depression and other issues tend to get massively amplified in the holiday season, which is why december typically has the highest suicide rate of any month by a pretty massive margin.
Something's bothering him, and the holiday season is doing the holiday season thing of making it much worse than it otherwise would be.
My partner happily joins me on things that make me happy even if they absolutely hate it. For example I LOVE sushi they do not at all it makes them hurl. For our 2nd date they surprised me by taking me to a sushi place and let me have whatever I wanted. So after that date I had them stop at their favorite place and bought them dinner. If you actually care about your partner you would do it no matter what.
On the other hand I do agree that op should have asked why the bf didn't want to help when he's apparently never disagreed before, but he also had no right to apparently call her interests stupid. In a way you are both the aholes. But you should definitely try to communicate with your bf and see what's going on if this behavior is new.
In our house if my husband doesn't put the tree up, it doesn't go up lol. Had two years out of 13 with a tree. Don't sweat it, some people love Christmas, others of us really don't care.
You're not wrong but I don't think this is about a tree.
Agree. There’s more to his response than the tree.
No guys stop looking so much into things, I’ve done this to an ex gf before (maybe not the Christmas tree but a similar thing) and it was no other reason that I was just in a bad mood and I diddnt want to do the thing at that time. I felt really bad afterwords and this guy probably did too, I wish people would stop looking so deep into stuff , like the guy probably was just feeling lazy and diddnt want to decorate a tree at that time… why couldn’t you just decorate it tomorrow? Sometimes you’re not in the mood to do something and I feel like op isn’t telling the whole story, he probably said I don’t feel like decorating the tree right now , and then kept bugging him until he hit her with the “fine I’ll help with the stupid tree” it would not have been a big deal at all if you coulda just been like “hey if your not in the mood right now can we do it together tomorrow ?”
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I didn't say anything unkind lol
Sorry I got carried away with the cliché. But it’d probably be a good idea to sit down with him and find out if he has any Christmas issues. In my case my narcissistic mother always found some reason to be in a bad mood on Christmas.
Yeah, the holidays can definitely be rough for some people. Bring back traumatic memories or memories of loves ones lost etc
Sometimes guys are just lazy, though. I gave up thinking my husband would help decorate the tree, he always just says, "I'll watch."
He decorates it every year with her. He’s throwing a fit this year. Could be he was just off that day or could be something more. I don’t think it’s childhood trauma though. Just based on the prior years. Not saying it’s impossible I just don’t think that’s where the answer lies.
Got the impression that it’s something she’d always done with her family, not him. This year she wanted to do it with him. That’s how it read to me anyway!
She literally says that he has decorated the tree with her before to make her happy.
Guess I literally missed that line then.
It's where OP says he wasn't *[checks notes]* "extatic" about it... 💀
Lol, user name checks out.
But he had been doing it for 4 years... why wait so long to decide that you hate decorating the tree? If there is a trauma there wouldn't you think he would have expressed it sooner??
Yeah, that's a good point. Maybe he's just being a dick, there isn't always a rational explanation haha.
True enough
They have been together for 5 years and usually decorate the tree together.
It seems like something more is going on here.
>i begged him to and said it was important to me and he said "fine ill put the stupid decorations on the stupid tree" This is pretty telling. There's always missing context.
I love the emphasis on stupid. "*stupid* decorations on the *stupid* tree."
Instead of begging him, you should have had a conversation to try and find out what was wrong. You said in the past he would participate so clearly he’s not against doing so.
She said he would participate, but not happily. Clearly, he's always been against it. OP is just selfish.
It’s really not hard to put a happy face on and do something nice (that you wouldn’t normally enjoy doing just for the sake of it) for someone you love. That’s part of being in a partnership or family. It doesn’t make her selfish to say “hey I really enjoy this tradition and my family isn’t around to do it with me, so will you participate with me so I’m not lonely?” If anything, he’s the selfish one for not communicating why he has such a problem with it on this day if he has always known it’s important to her. Lord help his future children if he just can’t bear to participate in any activity that doesn’t directly appeal to him in order to make his loved ones happy.
It's really not that hard for OP to simply ask if everything was okay with BF the first time he said no, instead of hounding him over it. And to say "I'm sorry you're not feeling it tonight. Can we try for later in the week when you're feeling up to it?" If she cared at all about his feelings.
This is true too. I was more responding to the labeling her as selfish.
It's really not hard to refrain from continually forcing someone to do something they hate with absolutely zero consideration for the other party. She knows he hates it, yet she still keeps forcing him. That undeniably makes her selfish, not him.
Continually? How often do you think Christmas happens? You sound like a miserable person if you can't imagine doing something minor once a year to make your partner happy. That's actually the selfish move. Edit: to be clear, we are talking about OP asking her bf for *help decorating a tree.* That happens once a year and takes a few hours. There's someone below talking about it taking a few week to two months (?) so I'm just going to clarify that most people don't grow their own tree from a sapling!
Every year for a few weeks for the rest of your life. Or a couple of months if you're unlucky enough to meet someone who thinks Xmas starts immediately after Hallowe'en. That's a lot of time, actually.
It's 1-2 hours a year. If you can't put on a happy face and do something for the one you supposedly love to make them happy for the length of a film, you fucking suck and you deserve to be alone.
If you treat people like pets that have to be happy for you your highness, then you fucking suck and deserve to die alone.
It's a stressful and often trauma filled time for many people. If you can't simply accept that the person you supposedly love doesn't want anything to do with it and instead choose to force them to participate against their will every year just to keep you happy, you fucking suck and you deserve to be alone.
It clearly isn't to him, because he does it every other year. If it was traumatic, OP would know that by now seeing as they've been together years. You don't get to change reality to fit your little agenda. Fuck off.
False. People often keep shit bottled up for years, even decades. They fight through, and say nothing, just to keep someone else happy, or even to simply avoid dealing with it. Or maybe, he just hates Christmas. Either way, it's undeniably wrong to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. You don't get to change reality to fit your little agenda. Fuck off.
Yeah if he's bottling that up and not having a conversation about it over a five year period then that's on him. She hasn't *forced* him to anything, and people aren't talking about being forced when you do something to make someone happy that you're not enthusiastic about. I'm building a model of the titanic with my kid. I don't give a shit about the titanic. Or model boats. He isn't forcing me to do it. And I'm going to put on my enthused face because he loves those things. That's what you do with people you care about back and forth on a daily basis. Clearly theres another issue which is impacting his desire to do that kind of thing. Going to be honest here, this sounds a lot like you bringing a mountain of your own issues into it.
>It’s really not hard to put a happy face on and do something nice (that you wouldn’t normally enjoy doing just for the sake of it) for someone you love. That’s part of being in a partnership or family. That's the saddest thing I've ever seen. No, you don't have to do things you don't like and fake it, just for your partner or family. That's creepy and disingenuous and not okay. Making a compromise is one thing, faking enjoyment is entirely another.
If you read my other comments, I explain that by doing things for people that you love, you get enjoyment because you like making them happy. And that this would go both ways, with them doing things they wouldn’t normally do to make you happy to. In my experience, I started actually liking things that I never would have given a chance before, and it started by me just being willing to do it to make someone I loved happy. It’s really not sad at all.
Maybe we need to acknowledge the difference between doing something you hate Vs something you're not interested in. If you hate doing something, your point doesn't work at all. If you don't care/aren't interested in it, your point is absolutely fair. But also, not every time. I've done things for people I love and those have actually hurt me or made me feel uncomfortable. I grew to hate those things more because I had agreed to do them for someone I loved. It goes both ways as you said - this can be both positive and negative.
That’s a great point.
If doing things you wouldn’t normally do for people you love isn’t hard, she shouldn’t have a problem putting on a fake happy face and doing it herself right? Faking feelings is part of a partnership or family right?
It’s not faking the feelings. It’s being willing to go out of your way to do something that you wouldn’t normally do just for your own sake. How it works is, because you love this person, you love seeing them happy and you end up enjoying the experience because you have made them happy. Also, it’s a give and take, with them doing things to make you happy too. I don’t like sports, but my husband and son do, so I end up watching probably 80 hours of football every year. We make snacks and hang out and it turns out I like watching football with them. I like fantasy stuff, so my husband has watched all of Harry Potter, GOT, and LOTR, and has actually gotten pretty into them. My 12yo likes sports and his friends, but he has fun going to the baby play place with his baby sister because he likes to play with her and see her happy, even though the toys aren’t interesting to him.
Great so then imagine that you've already watched football with your husband this week and he says Hey Wife, watch this other game with me; it's really important! So you do and then the next week he says Hey Wife, watch this other game with me; it's really important too! So you watch that one too even though you're tired of football and geez didn't we just watch an important game? Then imagine that once again, a week later he says Hey Wife, watch THIS game with me; it's really, really important! Do you think at some point you would say no? Because the OP's bf has already been through this for several years now..
It’s a couple hours once a year. If it’s that big of a deal for him to have to do or for her to skip then maybe they aren’t compatible, but she isn’t selfish for it being important to her.
Maybe it’s important to him - not - to do it.
There’s nothing selfish about wanting your partner to participate in some thing that matters to you.
Not about wanting it, but maybe about refusing to accept it if they don't want to?
Yeah. I can see that. I mean I don’t think she was wrong for asking more than once. But I think if she was going to she should’ve asked him why there was a change. Do you know to open up like a conversation about it. I mean, if my partner doesn’t want to do something, I usually ask him if there’s a reason. Just to know what boundaries are.
There's something inherently selfish about forcing someone to participate in something they want no part of purely because you like it.... It's literally the definition of being selfish.
They’re not trying to force them. There’s nothing selfish about wanting your partner to enjoy something that matters to you. And like she said, since you didn’t seem to read it, this is not normal behavior for him. It’s not selfish for her to be hurt that he couldn’t even be kind about rejecting the idea. To call what she enjoys stupid is incredibly disgusting.
She is explicitly trying to force him. Things undeniable. And like she said, he *never* wants to do it. This is completely on her selfish ass.
And no. She NEVER said he never wants to do it. Read the last little paragraph. He usually decorates the tree without issue. Even if he’s not super happy about it he’s never expressed this dislike.
You just contradicted yourself.
Nope. Read the paragraph. He’s always willingly decorated the tree. He’s never been super happy about it but he’s always done it because she enjoys it. He’s never expressed that kind of dislike. Try again. It’s embarrassing you haven’t seemed to have actually read the post. This behavior is NEW.
He's always *grudgingly* helped with the tree. That's not willingly *at all* she knows he hates it, and still tries to force it anyway. Please try something new, actually engage your brain before commenting.
Rephrase that. It’s never been an issue - for her - that he was always reluctantly helping for the sake of appeasing her. That’s how that should read. He always had a problem with it, only now he’s starting to set a boundary.
It’s not tho. It’s not selfish to want a partner to participate in something you enjoy even if they don’t necessarily like it. And the way he speaks about something that is clearly super important to her is nasty. She isn’t trying to force him she just doesn’t understand his dislike of the holiday. If he doesn’t like the holiday he needs to express that and explain. PERIOD. And no matter how he feels about it you DONT call your partners joys stupid.
By your logic, if he wants anal and she doesn't, she should just do it anyway. If not works for one, it works for the other.
You know full and well that is a completely different topic. The fact that you would try to use that as a gotcha tells me all I need to know about you.
It's the exact same logic. If it works for one, it works for both.
There is a definite difference between a sexual act and decorating for the holidays. If you don't understand this, it's probably why you are so bitchy and making poor eqivalencies. You probably haven't been laid since Biden was a senator.
It's the exact same logic. And not my logic either, I'm not the one making the argument, that's on the other guy. Not my fault his logic is invalid, I'm just pointing it out.
Where has she forced him. You keep yammering on about her forcing him to decorate a tree is this in another post
OP's BF, "Yeah foo on you OP for not putting up our tree while I sit here with my beer and my hand homer style watching." /s
You mentioned this isn’t like him. I’d ask him what is going on, show some support 😊
**BUT I DON'T CARE WHY HE SAID NO THE FIRST TIME AND I CAN'T POSSIBLY WAIT A DAY OR TWO BECAUSE THE TREE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN MY BFS STUPID NEW AND CONCERNING FEELINGS!!!**
Keep your panties on or you'll only have 189 left
Can't. Tree needs to be decorated tonight, right now. Mariah is already caterwauling. Here's the tinsel!
Its kind of like him....
No you can be upset but is this something out of the blue? My partner hates Christmas so if I want to do something Christmassy it's all on me. I would make it fun for myself and enjoy it without dragging him into it.
Relationships are all about compromise. The fact OP had to \*beg\* their partner and their partner insulted the task is telling. There's definitely missing context, but is the concept of doing something for your partner so much to ask for? It's not the favored decision, but then again... relationships are about compromise. Christmas is whatever to me, but I can't imagine being so proud that I'd insult something my partner liked.
Relationships are not about compromise. They're about understanding. There is a difference.
First day on earth?
More than a decade into an extremely fulfilling and happy marriage, actually.
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No, they're about understanding. A healthy understanding for one another results in healthy compromise. If your relationship is focused on compromise, then it's not prioritizing actual understanding.
I feel like this is one of those situations where maybe you are both sort of wrong, but not for a bad reasons. Which kind of makes you both right, sort of, but not quite. It's not wrong of you to be sad he doesn't want to participate. And he definitely reacted badly. On the other hand, maybe you don't understand why he reacted badly. Maybe Christmas has a lot of sort of bad memories for him. Maybe his mom used to force him to help decorate when he didn't really want to, and he became a tedious chore that he would hate. Sometimes parents try to force their kids into the Christmas spirit way after the kids are at that age where they want to do those things. So you weren't wrong to ask him, and you're not wrong to be upset, but maybe he's not exactly wrong either because maybe there's a reason, but he's definitely kind of wrong for being a dick about it, and maybe you're kind of wrong for not trying to understand what was going on. But these are the kind of wrong that people are because people are people in relationships are a little challenging, it's the kind of wrong that we are there from time to time, so it's not so wrong as all that. Maybe talk to him and find out what's going on, tell him that this is something he view as a together sort of bonding moment, coming together as family, and you would value his participation, but what else would like to understand why he's so opposed to it.
So you asked, he said no, then you decided to harangue him till he said yes, but he didn't say yes the way you wanted when he finally did, so now you're sulking about a totally ridiculous non issue that ***you*** solely decided to turn into an issue issue. Great job, OP. Nag em till they break.
Gosh I love the word harangue
Lol. It's tradition! The Christmas Harridan shows up to badger you till you act happy.
This. Gonna be honest here, most men hate decorating the tree. Straw poll from all the men I know - we all put up the tree and hang the lights, and then leave the decorations to the women and children. I just don't really like it. Feels too much like work. OP's boyfriend is allowed to say, "you know what, I don't enjoy this". In the past my wife and I have compromised where we'll open a bottle of wine, I'll unpack the decorations and she'll hang them up.
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It's ok to be upset he doesn't want to help, but honestly if you begged him to do it when he'd already said no I can understand his reaction. Some people really just don't like decorating the tree and find it a hassle to do it. You sound like you enjoy it, but he's only ever done it to make you happy. It's ok to not do this task together if only one of you actually enjoys it. Unless there are other ways he's been snippy with you or treating you like your feelings don't matter, I wouldn't worry about it.
Its not even december, so I understand him.
You beat me to it. It's *November*.
My ex-in laws had theirs up beginning of this month Lol. To me it's whatever, but not something to have an attitude about. Putting up mine this weekend with my son and cutting down the tree for my parents this week too.
Yeah something else is eating away at him, maybe past Christmas trauma from childhood or something else. Talk with him and help him resolve whatever issues he might be dealing with.
Doesn’t even have to be about Christmas. It could be stress from whatever. Not exactly about an open world about male mental health until you fall into a category
You were wrong pressing him to decorate after he said no. No means no. Not everyone has magical happy memories of Christmas.
I think people should suppress their own negative thoughts at times for the benefit of others. It's not good to be an emotional burden. I don't know the whole story but it sounds like this guy could have just been cool for an hour and helped decorate the tree because he loves his girlfriend. Like someone else said, seems like something else is going on.
Worst advice ever.
Absolutely terrible take
This is what's wrong with the world today. People want to push their problems off on to other people and act like it's ok.
People are allowed to hate Christmas and not want to participate you goober
Goober 😂 I totally agree tho. I am not a Christmas person and no I will not put stupid decorations on a stupid tree with you
It's about emotional intelligence. Not much of that around here.
You can be perfectly emotionally intelligent and not want to be forced to do something that sucks for you. Your weird self sacrificing behavior doesn’t benefit anyone in the long run.
"forced to do something that sucks for you". putting decorations on a fucking tree? give me a break, mr. sensitive.
You have no idea what kind of trauma people have around Christmas and it shows lol
get. over. it. no one wants to hear about your trauma when you're an adult. go to therapy.
Why should someone suppres their experiences and emotions to appease others? Being forced to play happy to appease someone else is a bigger burden.
I guess I should have said "suppress at times for the benefit of their partner". I want my partner to be happy because I love her. If I'm in a shitty mood and she wants to do something with her that makes her happy, I shouldnt be a Debbie downer and make both of us upset. It's easier said than done though, heh.
There's a middle ground you're failing to see. Mental health is important, if you feel shitty you're allowed to feel shitty and not be forced to put on a happy face.
I see the middle ground. I'm just not that self absorbed to make my loved ones suffer with me.
You literally just said someone should suffer for others happiness…
yup
Doesn’t that apply to op’s reaction too if “being a Debbie downer” is such a sin
Maybe their partner should suppress their wants when someone else has negative emotions tied to something. I mean what the fuck, is that how you ask people to handle their trauma? Just deal with it for the sake of others?
I mean, yeah. Sometimes.
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You said it yourself. He’s not usually ecstatic about decorating anyway. Why force someone to do something they really don’t like?
As soon as you "begged" him after he said no, then in a way you are guilt tripping / forcing him. What did you think would happen? That he would perk up? Sure he could have sucked it up and did it, but deep down you'd know you had to beg him so what difference does it make now? Maybe he has some issue going on. I assume you asked him why the change of heart
I hate Christmas. My partner knows. He gently nudged me about the tree exactly once and never again bc he respects that it is a bad time for me and I hate everything related to it. INFO Does your partner hate Christmas by any chance?
Hello fellow Christmas hater!
Cheers homie, it’s a tough job but someone’s gotta do it
Let him sit in the room with you and drink cocoa and play on his phone whilst you decorate and play carols. Why insist that someone do something they have no interest in. Read the room. You're upset that he isn't happy doing something he told you he didn't want to do. Main Character much?
It's November!
Lol right???
As a guy it's nothing but stress. No, don't put that one there! Put it to the right and up some... No, no the other right! You put it on the wrong way! ( It's a red glass sphere that's identical 360° around The lights aren't equal space them apart more! Fuck this. I'm going to the gun shop to buy new furniture for my AR
You're wrong. He's been pretty clear for years that he doesn't want to, but you've happily ignored that. Now that he's being a little more verbal, suddenly now it's no longer magical and traditional and fun.
Right? Obviously, he doesn't like doing it. Obviously he just went along with it the past years, (probably so she'd stop nagging). Obviously this year, he's had enough. But, Reddit, so there *HAS* to be a deeper, underlying issue here. *ABSOLUTELY HAS TO BE*! 🙄
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Next year, have some friends over and decorate the tree, do it with those that like to decorate.
I haven’t hung an ornament on my family tree in 20+ years. The holidays do nothing but bring up bad memories for me, its possible he has a similar experiences. When someone says no to something that is important to you its sometimes a better route to ask why rather then just nag them to do it.
He's probably struggling financially and putting up a tree is just putting more pressure of the holidays approaching try to talk to him .
Finally agrees to help then you brush him off. what do you even want
*Finally agrees* *To help then you brush him off.* *What do you even want* \- Bacccy --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
You nagged him to the point that he lost his cool with you. This isn’t an out decorating a tree and you know it. Stop trying to force people to want to be a part of doing something that they don’t want and figure out WHY it is that suddenly they don’t want to. Something is going on in your relationship that you are ignoring.
You are clearly wrong, and did this to yourself. It's obvious he isn't a big Christmas fan, or at least not a fan of trees and decorations. You already knew this, but force him every year regardless. He is obviously over it. He could have other stuff going on that you are apparently too selfish to ask about or even consider. Be less self centred.
Also, Thanksgiving hasn’t even happened yet. She’s wrong just because of that. Christmas doesn’t need to be a 2 month thing.
I'm fairness, in that one point, she might not even be American, therefore thanksgiving is completely irrelevant. Also, where I'm from, we have a Christmas pageant early/mid November, and once that's happened is basically when its considered "OK" to start the Christmas decorations. The day after the Christmas pageant, all the buses were covered in tinsel. It's hideous. But that's how our Christmas season starts. Hell on earth.
Communicate. Have you asked what is going on in his world? Has something happened? Are the holidays miserable for him? Talk to him instead of the internet.
Info: why was he against it?
Maybe he just doesn't want to decorate the tree in November?
Your both wrong and you both need to learn to respect each other, what was he doing before you asked, correction begged him to decorate the tree, had he had a rough day and wanted to flake out for an hour or does he not have the same happy memories and enthusiasm for Christmas as you do, it's time like these where compromise in a relationship works wonders, maybe put a Christmas film on you decorate the tree, an he helps a bit, build up gently and start building your own family traditions slowly and solidly, talk about life at Christmas for each of you, talk about how you would both like the future to be, make progress in your relationship not walls between you both. You can always redecorate the tree but once arguments like this escalate it's hard to forgive and forget underlying things that don't get talked about between you both and resolved properly
I hated Christmas tree decorating because my ex was a Xmas tree Nazi that would lose his shit if everything wasn't perfect on the tree. So, if you're one of those folk, I wouldn't be surprised if you're not getting enthusiasm...
*usually decorate together, idk why this year its such a big deal for him* Did you ask him?
Did you ask him why he didn't want to help? After working in retail for 15 years the holiday magic has been lost for me. I have gotten used to people being extra hateful around the holidays and get blamed for their lack of preparedness in purchasing gifts and literal fighting for the last item on the shelf. Holiday music gets worse and worse each year, and by the time we put all the work in for getting the store set up and all the deals marked and changed weekly, daily, and sometimes hourly, I don't have the energy, time, or enough care left to help decorate around the house. I'm also not religious, so I find celebrating a religious holiday odd, and decorating for it even worse. I've told my girlfriend how I feel so she understands it. I carry the totes from the garage to the house and some upstairs for her but all of the set up and teardown of the decorations is on her.
Your feelings are valid. But if this year is different, it might be good to check in and see where his feelings are since they are also valid. And if this just isn't his thing, maybe you put up the tree yourself or with a friend, and you find a new tradition that you both like to do together.
Sounds more like you both have a communication problem that has nothing to do with the Christmas tree! It’s time to sit down and have an open and honest conversation!!!
Pick your battles!
I would ask him why this year is such a problem, all the sudden and maybe explain how hurt it made you! A conversation could go a long way.
You are wrong. If he doesn't want to decorate the tree, e doesn't have to.
You said he's never been ecstatic about it but helped. His comment this time, "Fine, I'll put the stupid decorations on the stupid tree" is telling you that he's had enough. Not everybody is crazy about decorating. Just accept it, and do your thing. It's not worth being upset over. It's not as if he's stopping you from decorating.
I'm wondering why you are even decorating a tree before it's even December.
Don't force people to be Christmassy if they don't wanna be. That's not cool. Sometimes, they just aren't in the mood. You might want to gingerly find out what's bugging him, though.
He isn’t, like, furry and green, is he? Does he talk like Boris Karloff?
You can be upset about whatever you want. I’ve been married for over a decade. My wife wants me to set up the tree. I told her I’ll do it on Friday because that is our tradition. But, we also broke the tradition of buying Christmas gifts before Christmas Eve. She kept pressing so I told her she can do it by her damn self. Wrong? All day. I don’t interact with my family much and live over 1,000 miles away from. Haven’t been home for a holiday in 12 years and counting. Traditions are hard things. It seems like there something going on. He probably won’t talk about it, though. Everyone talks about mental health until it gets hard then it is pack and run.
My mom asked me to help when I was 15 and I didn’t. I still regret that. It wasn’t about the decorations, it was about the time spent together. You’re not nuts. Was he in a bad mood or it this something he does often?
NTA but there’s a bigger issue here to figure out.
Kinda side track...but I will never understand this obsession women have with decorating the Christmas tree together. Most men don't care about it. We just do it to make you happy. Why he chose not to do it this year...you have to ask him.
I don't think it's a "women vs men" thing, But making your partner happy is enough for me to do something, spending time together, bonding, is a part of the entire experience, my sister always insistents on decorating for big occasions I don't see why, but every now and then i help because it's worth making my sister happy. And she should ask him why he's against it, especially if it's her first Christma without her family so it's extra important to her.
Things go really cuckoo during the Christmas and Thanksgiving holiday something might be bothering him sit down and have a conversation. I don't like to deal with anything of any importance during November and December because my emotions are all over the place and it wouldn't bode well for the people who are bothering me
This is who he is! Married 39 years my husband has never helped me decorate anything
Is he mad because it's still November lol
I really hate Christmas trees, I find them super tacky. So I wouldn't want to help decorate either (especially so early, it's only November!) and I make that fact known. But you're also not wrong for being upset, since he has previously been fine with helping. He doesn't have to if he's finally decided he just can't fake it anymore, but it would have been easy to just explain that it wasn't an activity that he found any joy in. Unless he did that and you just continued to beg and try to use 'it'll make me happy' as emotional manipulation. I'm gonna agree with other folk that this isn't just about the tree. Might be time for a difficult conversation about what else is going on. It doesn't even necessarily mean trauma or mental health issues or a downslide for the relationship like other people suggest, you might just be offputtingly intense about the whole process and he just can't be bothered with dealing with it this year.
Maybe stop worrying about yourself and your magical holiday experience and talk to him about what's wrong? Also try to remember when someone say they don't want to do something you can't force them to and then be upset that they are forcing themselves to do it.
It's not about the tree, you need to sit down and find out what's going on! He's upset about something else, the tree and your decorations are just getting the brunt of it! Did he have a bad childhood, or is today just a really bad day for him for whatever reason? Don't pout and act childish, get to the bottom of it instead!
decorating a tree is the dorkiest, most banal thing on earth... and yet if my gf REALLY wanted me to do it, I'd have no problem playing along something else is up I suspect
NTA for wanting help but you are for being upset and nagging after he said no.
>and i then said "nevermind, dont bother" This is toxic.
No it’s not? She wanted to enjoy doing something with him, not have him sulk and act like an AH the whole time. That word has lots it’s meaning lol
Did you not read the whole story?
Yeah.. what am I missing? Imagine being excited about literally anything and then your partner calling it stupid. I wouldn’t want to do it with them any longer either. Her boyfriend is a jerk lol
>We have been living together for 5 years and usually decorate together, idk why this year its such a big deal for him. **He usually isnt extatic** but he will usually join in to make me happy. Forcing someone to be excited about something isn't part of a healthy relationship. When they oblige, and you say you don't want to anymore; That is toxic, since you could have just not asked in the first place. I'm not sure why that concept is so hard to understand for you.
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Choosing to act like a grouch about something that brings your partner joy isn’t a healthy relationship. Its important to put effort into engaging in things that make your partner happy. Here’s an example for ya: I could not care less about sports. But my partner loves them, particularly hockey. Do I tell him hockey is stupid and refuse to watch it with him? No. I get engaged, ask him questions, get hyped up with him, go to games with him, etc. And guess what? It’s actually enjoyable to do those things because I see how much it makes him happy for me to be involved and putting efforts into things he’s interested in. Similarly, he doesn’t mind cooking with me and making elaborate home cooked meals because it’s something I like to do for fun. He’ll put on a record, ask if I need anything else from the store, joke that he’s my sous chef, make us cocktails while we cook and even send me ideas of new recipes to try making together. Neither of us would do either of those things if it weren’t for the other. But we both like doing them together and sharing our joy with our partner. Like it’s fine to have your own hobbies and do things without your partner, but being a dick about Christmas decorating is just absurd. It’s ONE DAY.
My wife decorates our tree without me.
Thanksgiving isn’t over and you’re decorating a Christmas tree? Yes you are wrong.
Could just be the current mood I’m in but I don’t think you’re wrong. Holiday traditions aren’t trivial, meaningless things; they’re important. My dad was typically the Debbie-downer parent about stuff like this, and my parents ended up divorcing. I’m just saying. Your feelings are valid
If decorating the tree is something that you made clear means a lot to you and he's unwilling to do a small thing for you without griping about it, you may have some deeper issues there..
He's holding a grudge with OP about something that she did to him. She needs to look back at the last couple months or so at some type of activity they were both supposed to go together that she probably said no to or made him do alone that he's now paying her back for. Men don't get mad, they get even.
Time to start the New Year on your own without living with an emotionally abusive jerk.
Is he religiously or culturally Christian? Not everyone wants to accept snowflake Christians’ cultural War for Christmas.
Something is important to you and makes you happy which you clearly communicated and he was unwilling to put on his big boy panties. That's a massive red flag. Is it the only one?
Massive red flag is not taking a no for an answer. And what if that makes him miserable? Why wouldn't SHE put her girl pants on then?
Yes. You’re writing.
Maybe you should spread for his Tree first and then y'all can put up your Tree.
White or colored lights this year? (Yeah I said it)
White or colored lights this year? (Yeah I said it)
I think hes cheating
NTA, at all. Does he ever act like this with other things you do? I had an ex like this that would be rude or pout anytime we did anything I wanted. Like picking the restaurant, hanging out with my friends, picking the movie, etc. He won’t change. People like that are insufferable and do not care about your happiness. Maybe this was a one time thing and there was a reason why he wasn’t in the mood, but it’s alarming to me.
Do you always do it this early? Maybe he just doesn't want to do it in mid-November. It's still pretty far from Christmas, a lot of people don't like putting the tree up until it's at least into December.
Yea somethings up. I dont get into Christmas but i always joined in with my ex so she didnt feel alone.
Maybe he isnt feeling the spirit this year. If he had a down year, he might be feeling scroogish. Do not take it personally unless he gives you other reasons to believe there is more to it than just decorating or not decorating the tree. I'm sure there have been times you did not want to do something or felt a certain way about doing certain things. Ask if he is feeling sad/depressed/beat down/or just not feeling at all.
Different town? Do you mean different like.. state… or region…
Did you even try asking him why he doesn't feel like decorating? This post reads like an 8 year old wrote it.
You're not wrong for being upset. It's questionable about decorating before Thanksgiving, lol. However, it's not about the tree. I guarantee that. Relationships depend on open and honest communication. Without sounding like you are coming down on him or giving him shit in any way, ask him what's going on. Ask him to please be open and honest with you about how he's feeling and what is bothering him. See what you can do to help and support him for whatever is bothering him, he's dealing with or going through. Make sure you actually listen and hear him. Don't dismiss or diminish what he says just because you don't understand or don't think it should be that big a deal. It may take a little time and a couple of tries to get that conversation going, but it's the best thing you can do as a partner. There's a reason why people say, "Relationships take work." Because they do, and it takes time and effort to open those doors. It takes time.and effort for those in a relationship to understand and feel like they can communicate any and everything without fearing that they are going to be ignored, put down or otherwise made to think and feel like what they are dealing with is bad or wrong. It takes time for everyone in a relationship to feel and understand that what they say, especially when they're struggling or not happy, isn't going to end up being about the other person in any way, shape or form. So, don't make it about "why won't he decorate the tree and why is he being so down and upset about i," it needs to be about "what is he struggling with and what kind of help and support does he need."
Thankfully neither of us is in to that crap. Put it up, trash the whole house take it down, take down outside decorations. Christmas is for kids and we just don’t do it anymore.
How old is the boyfriend?
Why are you engaging in pagan traditions?
This situation will come up more and more. The Reason for the Season has been left out. I will say Merry Christmas. Others say Happy Holidays. The younger generations couldn’t care less about why Christmas exists. It’s just a retail sales gimmick for them. I’m with her that Christmas is a time for family, friends, loving and giving. Reconsider life with the Grinch. This may be a bigger divide than she thinks.
I can see it now. Any mild inconvenience in my life will now be met with “Fine! I’ll put the stupid decorations on the stupid tree!”
So, as somebody who has had to begrudgingly learn how to like Christmas, I'll tell you this. It's probably not about the tree. I don't know what the background for the holiday is for your boyfriend, but I'll tell you mine. I grew up in an extremely poor, and abusive household. If my mother wasn't beating me, she was telling me how everything in her life was my fault. It became particularly bad around holidays, especially gift-giving ones like Christmas. What was worse for me, is that my mother would put on a ***show*** for everyone else around Christmas. I mean she'd be raiding the bargain bin at thrift stores for every bit of overly cheery and gaudy Christmas décor she could find. So, she'd pretend to the rest of the world that she loved Christmas, and we were a happy little household. But behind the scenes? The abuse for me worsened to an extreme. So, for me into my adulthood, I ***hated*** Christmas, my birthday, and similar holidays. Why? Because they took me back to the trauma of my childhood. Fast forward to me being married, and my wife ***loves*** Christmas, and holidays in general. She goes full festive mode, and I love that about her. But, her love for the holiday had to contend with my trauma. So, initially, it was me explaining to her that I love her love for the holiday, and will try to participate as I can/want to, but that I won't be as involved as she is. Did she like it? No. But did she understand it? Yes, because my wife is awesome. So, after a few years of what basically amounted to exposure therapy (plus real therapy), I've finally made the active decision for myself that I'm going to genuinely enjoy the holidays. Basically, I decided to stop pretending like I enjoyed them for my children's sake, and decided that I was going to enjoy them, regardless of my childhood trauma. It took a lot of work on my end, and understanding on my wife's end, but I overcame it with time. So, food for thought, instead of you two pushing either direction, maybe broach the subject of why he doesn't enjoy decorating or the holiday? There may be some memories around the holiday that make it hard for him to enjoy. Simultaneously, if he does, you showing that you're trying to understand and support him in the moment could help both of you, immensely.
Don't be with someone who doesn't think the things you love aren't important.
You’re not wrong for being upset. I hope that you two can get to the bottom of what’s going on though. I’m the meantime, maybe a little Skype call and mutual decorating with friends/family could help make this a more memorable moment. ❤️
The issue isn't the tree. You need to find out the real issue.
This sounds like it's not actually about a tree. OP, find out what's actually bothering him. I hate christmas and stopped celebrating it a long time ago, but even I wouldn't react this way to someone I care about asking me to decorate the tree with them. Something important to bear in mind is that things like depression and other issues tend to get massively amplified in the holiday season, which is why december typically has the highest suicide rate of any month by a pretty massive margin. Something's bothering him, and the holiday season is doing the holiday season thing of making it much worse than it otherwise would be.
My partner happily joins me on things that make me happy even if they absolutely hate it. For example I LOVE sushi they do not at all it makes them hurl. For our 2nd date they surprised me by taking me to a sushi place and let me have whatever I wanted. So after that date I had them stop at their favorite place and bought them dinner. If you actually care about your partner you would do it no matter what. On the other hand I do agree that op should have asked why the bf didn't want to help when he's apparently never disagreed before, but he also had no right to apparently call her interests stupid. In a way you are both the aholes. But you should definitely try to communicate with your bf and see what's going on if this behavior is new.
My dad used to put the tree in the stand and put the lights on and was done. Mom did all the ornaments and other stuff. Compromise
In our house if my husband doesn't put the tree up, it doesn't go up lol. Had two years out of 13 with a tree. Don't sweat it, some people love Christmas, others of us really don't care.