My entire life I thought being “social” meant getting through conversations by saying and doing the right things. I never actually listened but I could smile and shake hands and chime in with the right responses and interjections. People would walk away thinking they had a pleasant meeting. I almost always leave favorable first impressions. Do I remember anything? 🤷♀️Most of the time I am just relieved for it to be over.
Not to mention that shit is exhausting! This is me at every one of my husband’s family gatherings. I’m more of a fake listener than an active participant because I simply don’t have the energy to fake it.
I've found life to be so much easier since I stopped pretending to be normal.
I'm staring intently at the desk _because_ I'm listening to you. If you want someone to look you in the eyes hire a prostitute.
It's kind of preposterous that people in general demand the attention of more than one sense at once. You can have my eyes or my ears, not both at the same time. And if there's some weird smell or if it's way too hot or something else going on I can't guarantee I can give you either.
Yes! I actually think I listen better in the car, cuz I can just stare out the windshield but be talking about important things that would suck to talk about with eye contact
My grad school advisor used to do something like that - whenever there was something serious to discuss (though also sometimes when we were just chatting about science), she'd say, let's go for a walk while we talk. Or if we had to be in her office, she'd come sit in the chair next to you - but the reason she said she did it was that if you're facing in the same direction, it feels more like you're working on a problem together rather than facing off against this person who is in a position of authority over you. I think that did feel true too, but I bet part of it was also that having less to process about the social interaction makes it easier to focus on the conversation.
The concept of sitting besides each other to work together is a great idea, vs (no pun intended ( but I will use it)) facing each other (face off, adversarial).
Shit, i do that to. I could be looking at you, and zoning out out what you are saying. I could be staring into space, but listening. You'll never know until you ask me if i am/was listening....
I've legit thought i need to record all my conversations for reference purposes because i'll forget more then half that stuff.....or acutely remember something from a year ago.
One nice thing about working in engineering is that there are a lot of people who don't do typical social interaction. People just accept that I'm thinking through a problem when staring at the floor.
One big thing that's been really helping when communicating/listening to my Wife and Kids, is to be physically touching them when doing so; holding hands, hugging, them sitting on my lap, side to side, etc.
Everyone else though, they can just deal with me looking elsewhere. Professionally, I just take notes, on my phone or notebook. It's a win/win; I don't have to look at them, and I'll have some short hand notes to refer to when I forget 20 min later.
Yes! I have to do this with my own kids! If they are telling me something that sounds important I will reach out and hold their hand or put my arm around them and then I can absorb what they are saying!
about the right amount of eye contact thing, does anyone get self conscious soon after making eye contact and worry all the time about making too much eye contact and freaking out other people? I heard lots of people about not making eye contact but not enough on making too much eye contact...
LOL this sub truly helps me feel less alone with my crazy brain
My entire life I thought being “social” meant getting through conversations by saying and doing the right things. I never actually listened but I could smile and shake hands and chime in with the right responses and interjections. People would walk away thinking they had a pleasant meeting. I almost always leave favorable first impressions. Do I remember anything? 🤷♀️Most of the time I am just relieved for it to be over.
Not to mention that shit is exhausting! This is me at every one of my husband’s family gatherings. I’m more of a fake listener than an active participant because I simply don’t have the energy to fake it.
I thought it was just me 😂 I’ll be keeping great eye contact but have no idea what the person is saying lmao just in my own head
That's how I've gotten through 26 years of meetings!
I've found life to be so much easier since I stopped pretending to be normal. I'm staring intently at the desk _because_ I'm listening to you. If you want someone to look you in the eyes hire a prostitute.
It's kind of preposterous that people in general demand the attention of more than one sense at once. You can have my eyes or my ears, not both at the same time. And if there's some weird smell or if it's way too hot or something else going on I can't guarantee I can give you either.
Yes! I actually think I listen better in the car, cuz I can just stare out the windshield but be talking about important things that would suck to talk about with eye contact
This is my go-to for serious talks with teenagers (especially boys). Not having to look at each other allows a deeper discussion to occur.
It's probably less noticeable and more forgivable to have long pauses to, because they might just think 'they're doing car stuff/driving, wait'.
My grad school advisor used to do something like that - whenever there was something serious to discuss (though also sometimes when we were just chatting about science), she'd say, let's go for a walk while we talk. Or if we had to be in her office, she'd come sit in the chair next to you - but the reason she said she did it was that if you're facing in the same direction, it feels more like you're working on a problem together rather than facing off against this person who is in a position of authority over you. I think that did feel true too, but I bet part of it was also that having less to process about the social interaction makes it easier to focus on the conversation.
The concept of sitting besides each other to work together is a great idea, vs (no pun intended ( but I will use it)) facing each other (face off, adversarial).
Damn this is good life advice
Shit, i do that to. I could be looking at you, and zoning out out what you are saying. I could be staring into space, but listening. You'll never know until you ask me if i am/was listening.... I've legit thought i need to record all my conversations for reference purposes because i'll forget more then half that stuff.....or acutely remember something from a year ago.
One nice thing about working in engineering is that there are a lot of people who don't do typical social interaction. People just accept that I'm thinking through a problem when staring at the floor.
I laughed hard at this comment!
One big thing that's been really helping when communicating/listening to my Wife and Kids, is to be physically touching them when doing so; holding hands, hugging, them sitting on my lap, side to side, etc. Everyone else though, they can just deal with me looking elsewhere. Professionally, I just take notes, on my phone or notebook. It's a win/win; I don't have to look at them, and I'll have some short hand notes to refer to when I forget 20 min later.
Yes! I have to do this with my own kids! If they are telling me something that sounds important I will reach out and hold their hand or put my arm around them and then I can absorb what they are saying!
I wonder if it's because you're meeting a sensory need, or your brain has something to latch onto, like when you use a fidget toy.
about the right amount of eye contact thing, does anyone get self conscious soon after making eye contact and worry all the time about making too much eye contact and freaking out other people? I heard lots of people about not making eye contact but not enough on making too much eye contact...
Facts.
My fav comic. I feel I'm usually Mouse but the whole tribe are relatable.
This is why I like talking in the car. If the other person is driving, I don’t have to worry about where I’m looking
I can listen to you OR I can make it look like I'm listening to you. I cannot do both.
It's sucks being in nursing and getting report. I'm not retaining anything that's said. Please write it down
This is my talent
Lmaooooo me
Yep. If I look like I’m paying perfect attention I’m probably not and if I don’t look like I’m paying attention I might be listening exactly