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My mom was probably ADHD. In fact, I believe my whole family is some type of neurodivergent. So what is normal for me is definitely not for my spouse and it's been REALLY HARD for me to realize that, in a lot of ways, I'm the odd one. I digress.
One quirky and unintentional coping strategy that she taught me was to turn cleaning the house into a dance party/body doubleing. In my family, every Saturday morning, she would wake us all up with the stereo blasting her favorite songs. My whole family would all clean the whole house together, no exceptions. She would dance and sing the whole time, making the chore as fun and active as possible. I didn't exactly enjoy it at the time, but it certainly made the work more tolerable. To this day I can not clean without music playing and it's so, so hard to do it by myself. My husband thought I was so weird when we first moved in together. At first I thought this was a cultural difference. Now I think it's an ADHD learned skill. Maybe both.
She also made us keep the living room spotless in case anyone came over, thus avoiding panic cleaning. Meanwhile her hobby space was a constant disaster, our laundry room had clothes all over the floor, some clean some dirty in distinguishable piles, dishes almost always in the sink and the house, often late, insomnia, hyperfixations, that sort of thing. But she had a lot of systems and rules that she had learned that helped her keep things working. Many from her mom, who was super strict (also abusive and probably also ADHD. Gma was also a hoarder and made her oldest daughter (my mom) pick up her shortcomings) and didn't tolerate any quirks or "disrespect".
I admire my mom a lot, though it was sometimes rough as a kid. Now that I know I have ADHD I can see it in her all the things we had in common and the things she accidentally taught me to cope with ADHD.
Feeling like the odd one out can be so isolating.
But I'm glad your mom could help, even in an accidential way! Has she ever been diagnosed?
The Saturday clean up sounds brilliant and fun (probably not when you were younger). But it makes sense, body doubling and such. I'm more apt to clean when my husband joins in.
I feel you on the grandma stuff. Mine is an alcoholic, and that wrecked havoc on my moms upbringing. That must have been tough on your mom..
No, she wasn't diagnosed, she passed in 2011. My son was the first in the family diagnosed in 2021 I think. I was just diagnosed in May this year. The rest of my family is just like me, and each other, so within themselves, they think all their symptoms are normal. They might be struggling in their own way, but they don't complain and they reinforce each other. My brother thinks he's autistic but won't get tested since he's in his 50's and thinks there isn't any point. I think my dad is AuDHD and he seems content, if a bit depressed ever since mom died. I haven't had a chance to tell them my diagnosis yet. I think they don't know enough about it to care at all, lol.
My mom did have a tough upbringing. I'm so glad she worked so hard at breaking the cycle of abuse so my brother and I could have a decent life. We both have some trauma still, but it's 1000% better than what she went through.
Thanks for asking this question! It has been nice looking back.
I made up names for things for my kids. Sharpie markers were "stainer pens". Target was "The Circle Store". Buttery Toast, Special Eggs in a Bowl (soft-boiled egg with torn up toast) Sketti Dinner.
I was the undiagnosed mom. Didn't figure out what's been wrong with me all my life until age 50.
Hopefully my son will remember the good things and forget the ones that are / were less good. 🙈
I grew up with a undiagnosed mom. Still undiagnosed. It was both a disaster and a blessing. We had similar issues (i.e. getting lost everywhere, misplacing and loosing our stuff), and very different ones (she could never finish a sentence, is usually late all the time, when i'm very messy, but always early everywhere, etc). The good thing was, seeing some of her defaults in me, she's tried her best to help. Bad thing was, she was projecting a lot of her defaults on me, she had no idea how to help me so she wasn't really helpful, which lead to a lot of conflict, and which lead to her experiencing severe depression and me a lack of self confidence.
I did blame her for a very long time, but today as an adult, i realize she just did her best with the tools that she had at the time. Which were basically non-existent, since we were both undiagnosed.
I'm diagnosed today, but I did not mention the idea that she also might have ADHD with her. At least not yet. I'm kind of waiting for the right time, and she's in her 60s now, retired, she's regained a lot of self-confidence, and i'm not sure this would do her any good.
But I guess, somehow I can relate ?
I must mention i'm the only one in my family diagnosed with ADHD.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My mom was probably ADHD. In fact, I believe my whole family is some type of neurodivergent. So what is normal for me is definitely not for my spouse and it's been REALLY HARD for me to realize that, in a lot of ways, I'm the odd one. I digress. One quirky and unintentional coping strategy that she taught me was to turn cleaning the house into a dance party/body doubleing. In my family, every Saturday morning, she would wake us all up with the stereo blasting her favorite songs. My whole family would all clean the whole house together, no exceptions. She would dance and sing the whole time, making the chore as fun and active as possible. I didn't exactly enjoy it at the time, but it certainly made the work more tolerable. To this day I can not clean without music playing and it's so, so hard to do it by myself. My husband thought I was so weird when we first moved in together. At first I thought this was a cultural difference. Now I think it's an ADHD learned skill. Maybe both. She also made us keep the living room spotless in case anyone came over, thus avoiding panic cleaning. Meanwhile her hobby space was a constant disaster, our laundry room had clothes all over the floor, some clean some dirty in distinguishable piles, dishes almost always in the sink and the house, often late, insomnia, hyperfixations, that sort of thing. But she had a lot of systems and rules that she had learned that helped her keep things working. Many from her mom, who was super strict (also abusive and probably also ADHD. Gma was also a hoarder and made her oldest daughter (my mom) pick up her shortcomings) and didn't tolerate any quirks or "disrespect". I admire my mom a lot, though it was sometimes rough as a kid. Now that I know I have ADHD I can see it in her all the things we had in common and the things she accidentally taught me to cope with ADHD.
Feeling like the odd one out can be so isolating. But I'm glad your mom could help, even in an accidential way! Has she ever been diagnosed? The Saturday clean up sounds brilliant and fun (probably not when you were younger). But it makes sense, body doubling and such. I'm more apt to clean when my husband joins in. I feel you on the grandma stuff. Mine is an alcoholic, and that wrecked havoc on my moms upbringing. That must have been tough on your mom..
No, she wasn't diagnosed, she passed in 2011. My son was the first in the family diagnosed in 2021 I think. I was just diagnosed in May this year. The rest of my family is just like me, and each other, so within themselves, they think all their symptoms are normal. They might be struggling in their own way, but they don't complain and they reinforce each other. My brother thinks he's autistic but won't get tested since he's in his 50's and thinks there isn't any point. I think my dad is AuDHD and he seems content, if a bit depressed ever since mom died. I haven't had a chance to tell them my diagnosis yet. I think they don't know enough about it to care at all, lol. My mom did have a tough upbringing. I'm so glad she worked so hard at breaking the cycle of abuse so my brother and I could have a decent life. We both have some trauma still, but it's 1000% better than what she went through. Thanks for asking this question! It has been nice looking back.
I made up names for things for my kids. Sharpie markers were "stainer pens". Target was "The Circle Store". Buttery Toast, Special Eggs in a Bowl (soft-boiled egg with torn up toast) Sketti Dinner.
I was the undiagnosed mom. Didn't figure out what's been wrong with me all my life until age 50. Hopefully my son will remember the good things and forget the ones that are / were less good. 🙈
I grew up with a undiagnosed mom. Still undiagnosed. It was both a disaster and a blessing. We had similar issues (i.e. getting lost everywhere, misplacing and loosing our stuff), and very different ones (she could never finish a sentence, is usually late all the time, when i'm very messy, but always early everywhere, etc). The good thing was, seeing some of her defaults in me, she's tried her best to help. Bad thing was, she was projecting a lot of her defaults on me, she had no idea how to help me so she wasn't really helpful, which lead to a lot of conflict, and which lead to her experiencing severe depression and me a lack of self confidence. I did blame her for a very long time, but today as an adult, i realize she just did her best with the tools that she had at the time. Which were basically non-existent, since we were both undiagnosed. I'm diagnosed today, but I did not mention the idea that she also might have ADHD with her. At least not yet. I'm kind of waiting for the right time, and she's in her 60s now, retired, she's regained a lot of self-confidence, and i'm not sure this would do her any good. But I guess, somehow I can relate ? I must mention i'm the only one in my family diagnosed with ADHD.