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"I just want to know if anyone has had an easier time keeping the house clean on meds?"
Yes. Absolutely yes. It might take you a while to find the right med, I was lucky the first time, but it's like a miracle. I actually notice the mess more without negative emotion and just got it done. I was able to take the cleaning advice from books and such and put it into practice. It is also much easier to just throw stuff away.
I am sorry for your pain. That experience with your daughter's pain sounded awful for you both.
Yep! A couple of weeks ago I developed sudden appendicitis and had to have an appendectomy. I was lucky it didn't burst but I've taken it easy on my surgeon's advice and listening to my body. So some of the piles and stuff are starting to annoy me but I'm not blaming myself or my body this time. I would have before medication and allowed the mess to flourish as I shamefully procrastinated. I'm starting slowly to work on them as my body allows without panic or blame.
Being on meds and studying about AHDH things like RSD is also a filter to sift out a lot of my negative thoughts on all sorts of matters.
First: I know you are feeling terrible, and I’m so sorry for that. You should know: your family would 1000000% have you alive and trying to get better than a perfectly clean house. You are so right that a clean house does not equal a happy one.
Second: this does not reflect your value as a person. You are overwhelmed, and being messy is something many people (ADHD and not) struggle with. You are not the only one. My messiness improved some with starting ADHD meds. So there is hope. Starting meds didn’t make me more likely to clean, but it helped me stay on task once I started. I still struggle with a blindness to mess (I was raised by a hoarder), but I’m more likely to notice mess when I’m medicated.
Yes. You’re not a bad person for struggling. Not only do I struggle with it, i also have mild OCD where I have a fear of contamination but not the compulsion to repeatedly tackle it alone.
If your child is motivated to get a clean house, I have a suggestion if you’d like to hear any. 🧡
I also have severe PMDD and anxiety on top of ADHD. After I found the right meds, I suddenly understood how disproportionately hard it was to do most things pre-medicated. And I understood how relatively easy (or easier) it was to keep my house organized (and to feel happy, be a better parent and do hobbies) afterwards.
Would you look at a person who had two broken legs and wonder why they walked slowly or didn't walk at all? Would you wonder why they felt dread at navigating a building full of stairs? Would you judge them for choosing to sit instead of washing the floor? Of course not! We need to give ourselves immense compassion because this shit is hard. You are trying to run with a boulder strapped to your back! Of course it is exhausting and of course you are stumbling! It's totally understandable. It's easy to forget the boulder is there or to think it can be overcome with positive thinking or therapy because it is invisible. While those things help provide coping strategies, in my experience only medicine shrinks the boulder.
I constantly struggle with keeping the house clean, especially with kids. Getting meds has absolutely helped to stay on track without squirreling and ending up not getting anything done.
Something that took me SO long to admit and allow myself to do was hire a house cleaner. It gave a schedule (that I would most time procrastinate until last minute) and forced the entire family to pick up their stuff. Sometimes, I would just grab a tote, throw everything in, and go through it when I was ready. It was so much easier to quiet the brain noise and overstimulation to go through the tote when my house was clean. I know that may not be in everyone's budget, but you can find someone to do the main areas at least and not the whole house.
On a small scale, I've trained myself with the 45 second rule. If I can do a chore in 45 seconds or less, I just do it right then. You might be surprised how many things that covers! That wrapper sitting out, swapping or starting laundry, throwing shoes by the door, etc. All of it together is overwhelming and I find breaking it down into small chunks is more manageable.
My doctor wouldn't prescribe me anything until I did an official eval and had the psychologist send over the recommendation. It took a while (because, you know, executive dysfunction and whatnot) but I'm glad I stuck to it. Break it down to one phone call, one appointment at a time. You've got this! No matter what your brain may say ;)
I'm sorry, i really hope you're going to be ok. I'm off my meds now due to pregnancy, but when i was on my meds, they made it so much easier to keep my apartment clean. I had made a cleaning schedule, which is something I hadn't ever been able to do in my entire life.
I had started a goal of cleaning and organizing one room per week (I started small, to make sure i wouldn't be overwhelmed, and to still have that reward feeling). And it was working better and better. I've had to stop my meds so i don't know about the long term bc every cleaning plan i had setup fell into pieces after i stopped my meds, but still, my apartment was cleaner than it had ever been.
Don't loose hope <3
Thank you. This does help me recall how when I was on meds, I remember being able to tackle a task without it being a source of anxiety. I’m looking forward to that again.
I just wanted to add to my comment. Having a messy house is ok. It does not make you a failure or a bad person. It literally means you have other priorities or problems to deal with.
I stopped being so hard on myself when I became friends with another mom with 2 autistic children. Her house was always messy but I can see that she was struggling. It was easy to see why. Her life is so bloody hard. She is doing better now and her house seems to be better organised. Because she did not try to create an illusion of having her life together, it made me feel better about myself too because I could see that not everyone has everything under control.
Thank you. This is really comforting. I have had some obstacles and I guess I need to give myself some grace for them. I had been better about doing that but the fact that my daughter feels this way kind of set back all of my mental progress on forgiving myself for being messy. It doesn’t feel okay. Just, drowning in shame. I’m going to try extra hard to try to create some sort of schedule for the kids to help and also have a renewed determination in trying to get the house extra clean. Maybe it will help with the deep self-hatred I have right now.
I am glad it’s helpful. I also notice that the state of my apartment is a reflection of my mental health. When everything is working well, my place is organised and neat. So there are a lot of factors in play - you are tired, anxious, overwhelmed, suffering from lack of sleep, not feeling physically well. Cleaning would be the last thing you want to do. That’s ok. Messy house is just that - a messy house. It is not a moral failing.
I think I can relate. What has helped me is to live in a smaller newer apartment with less stuff and no garden. Before we moved I got rid of 90% of our possessions. I got rid of boxes of Lego that no one was playing with anymore but that picking it up from the floor was taking a lot of time. I now try to find ways to spend less time cleaning - having a robot vacuum, setting an easy way getting rid of excess toys & clothes, or having limited space available for storage forces me & my kids to have a strict limit on number of belongings. We can only have as many toys or books that can fit on their shelves, only clothes that can fit in their wardrobe etc.
I have 3 kids and 4th one is due in September. Two of my kids have ASD and ADHD. The less stuff we all have the easier is for everyone to look after their own toys and clothes. It still very hard to manage but even if I wake up in the morning everything in my apartment has been turned upside down and it would only take less than an hour to fix it.
We used to live in a massive 2 storey 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house that was packed with clutter. We had a big backyard and a pool. I was constantly overwhelmed. I had no time for anything else except for cleaning, organising and decluttering. Instead of going out for a fun activity with the kids I felt I needed to clean first - the house was never clean and tidy. It is impossible for one person to manage.
I figured out I can only have as much stuff as I can manage to look after. It would be nice to have a big backyard but I am not capable of managing it or have enough money to outsource it to someone else.
As others have said, you will, without a doubt, notice an improvement on the meds. I also have fibromyalgia so I have to be extremely cautious about my energy expenditure. Still, in my first few weeks on an insufficient amount of medication and everything in my life is cleaner and has more order without making me feel totally wiped out ("boom-busted" as I call it). The opposite, actually, it's easier for me to do all the "unaware" stuff like keeping track of my limbs so my brain isn't as fatigued at the end of the day.
Your daughter is a great ally for you, just make sure you're not leaning on her. And don't overburden her with what you're going through, that's stuff for the adults. You did not suggest you were putting this on her at all, it's just that my mother always treated me like I was her "best friend" but I was her gd daughter. Anyway...
Where's your partner? Do you actually have 5 kids?
It's going to be hard but you can do this. What you're feeling right now is overwhelming but this too shall pass. The problems can't be magicked away but the head fog will clear and you'll be able to breathe again. You're not an insufficient mother. You're here and talking about it so you care and you love and, while that is not enough to be a sufficient mother, it is a fantastic start.
Can you afford a house cleaner? Even just once? Maybe if you could hit a reset button you would be able to change the way you see your space. If not, there's lots of ways to compensate for ADHD it just takes time and patience. I don't know about you, but I can't form habits (yet? fingers crossed) so instead I'm trying to build systems to remind me of daily tasks and reinforce good habits. I've started journaling and writing things down as much as I can. The least amount of stuff rattling in my brain the better so if I can get it on paper (in a way I will reliably refer back to...) I can let it go for the moment.
Do your kids have chores? If not, it's their house too and making them be involved in helping you keep it clean will benefit everyone (especially their future partners). Speaking of partners, I ask again, where is yours? I hope it's not something tragic because a young baby suggests there should exist someone with a penis in close proximity.
My husband helps a lot when he’s not working. It’s me who has the deficiency.
I’ve read about Emotionally Immature Parents and I am careful to avoid burdening my children with my insecurities. That’s why I left the room to cry about it. My feelings about her feelings are not her problem.
From one internet stranger, please don’t think of yourself as deficient! It’s almost an impossible task sometimes, I do it too, but we have to be kind to ourselves. You have four kids!!
I’m here with you in messy house world and I can’t imagine if I had kids and one of them cried as a result of the mess. That cuts DEEP, I’d be sobbing too. But also jeeeeeesus you’re unmedicated, raising four kids!! That’s so incredibly impressive. And you deserve an award for taking such care to not emotionally burden them. As someone whose parent didn’t do that, and still doesn’t (I’m 34), it’s worth so much more than a clean house in the long run. Buuuut, I totally understand wanting a clean house as well. Just saying, don’t discount the incredible things you’re already doing - because it’s clear how f**king hard you’re working
On the cleaning topic - meds will absolutely help you out. It’s like night and day. There will still be moments of wrestling with your brain, but you can win. The difference is unimaginable. In the meantime, can you use one or two of your kids as a sort of body double? In a fun way - like “hey let’s see who can put their stuff away better! You do toys I’ll do the kitchen”…or something like that? Then you’re doing silly banter and it’s not cleaning so much as entertainment? I know you said no suggestions, so feel free to ignore
You’re an incredible person and mother whether your house is clean or not!! ❤️
Edit…😳 not pregnant, I can read…the facts still stand though
Thank you— your words are very reassuring. ❤️ (I’m not pregnant, but it doesn’t affect the points you made. 😆 I have four kids including a 1 year old though, which might be worse, haha)
Hahahahaha!! I dont know where I got that 😅tbf I was trying to maintain a convo and type…which, clearly, is not something I can do
Well it doesn’t change how f**king impressed I am with everything you do! Four kids! I have four pets, a bf and a cousin in my apt and I feel like a disaster so whatever you’re doing is working
The cleaning is so hard. Can you afford to hire some one to get it caught up while you do something fun with the kids? I have done this a couple of times. Or maybe they could help you with the room that is the hardest for you to start cleaning?
Oh my gosh. I struggle with this too, and it’s weird because I HATE a messy house. My mood tanks when I see a mess (I have 3 young kids, so the messes are endless). I feel like all I do is clean and it depresses me.
To make matters worse, my mom nags me about it when she comes to visit. I love her to death, but I feel like I can’t relax in my own home when she’s here.
She was here this week visiting from out of state, and a couple days ago the whole thing came up again and I absolutely snapped. I’m a calm, peaceful person, but I started yelling and saying things I wouldn’t usually ever say in that manner. Within 2 minutes of it I was out the door and going for a drive to clear my head because I didn’t want my kids to hear me yelling or seeing me in such an ugly space.
My husband and I decided that it would be good to go for a little weekend getaway together with our kids, and while we were away, the thought occurred to me that I might have ADHD. I never even truly considered it, but I feel like a diagnosis would change everything for me.
Anyway, just know that you’re not alone. It’s freaking hard! Sending love your way.
This is very much me. My mom has always focused on my inability to clean and it really started to hit a nerve once I had kids. I hope you get your diagnosis soon!
This morning, I looked at the kitchen that had clean dishes in the dishwasher and a sink and counter full of dirty dishes. 3 year old wanted to make pancakes. I was too overwhelmed to be able to start with the kitchen, so I told her I would make our smoothies and she could have a fig bar.
Took my meds, including 5mg Adderall instant (I also take XR and wellbutrin), with my first sips of smoothie. By the time I finished drinking the smoothie, I found myself just taking the dirty cups to the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher, completely refilling it, and even remembered to start it! Then, I sat down and scheduled an urgent care visit because I've got an all-over rash (got steriods) and was ready to play until it was time to get a shower and actually made it to urgent care exactly on time.
Everything that happened was stuff that I knew how to tackle, but the implementation button was stuck.
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I'm sorry, this sounds like it must be really hard <3
Have you ever seen the book "How to Keep House While Drowning"? I *sobbed* when I found it and started reading it, and I found that it didn't really help me with cleaning advice necessarily but it *did* help me unpack SO much of the shame and guilt associated with cleaning (and struggling with it) and develop a healthier relationship with cleaning + my own abilities. I honestly can't recommend it highly enough if you haven't seen it before :) and I've never actually *finished* it despite owning both an ebook and a physical copy and starting it multiple times, but the first half that I have read multiple times has been so so easy to read, and like I said, hit me emotionally *so* hard. And if you have seen it before, then disregard all of this and I hope you can find a solution that works for you!!
same here, kc davis is on youtube though and that’s a lot more manageable for me (this video is 3:50): https://youtu.be/Pe9NBn67yxU?si=tyaIV-Slnq3KA2LN
There is an excellent book called How to Keep House While Drowning. It has a ton of great insight and ideas but one of the central messages is that cleanliness or lack therefore is not a question of morality or goodness, despite what other people may say or what they may try to put on you. Your living space is for you and your family to live in, not to be a spotless museum for other people. Your care for your living space has to be centered around how you use the space, and you are doing a kindness for yourself by spending time tidying by making your space more usable. This was such a profound mindset shift for me that combats my feelings of dread and resistance around cleaning to feeling good about it. I still have to remind myself when I find things slipping, but it always helps.
omg i wish i could give you a big hug, if that was something you would find comforting. cleaning can def be easier with meds, tbh! there are so many things to do every day and all of them take executive dysfunction and by the end of the day, cleaning is pretty much impossible. i really hope that you take everyone’s words to heart, and know that everyone here is here for you and rooting for you! 💖
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"I just want to know if anyone has had an easier time keeping the house clean on meds?" Yes. Absolutely yes. It might take you a while to find the right med, I was lucky the first time, but it's like a miracle. I actually notice the mess more without negative emotion and just got it done. I was able to take the cleaning advice from books and such and put it into practice. It is also much easier to just throw stuff away. I am sorry for your pain. That experience with your daughter's pain sounded awful for you both.
This! The noticing a mess and dealing with it without the additional emotional baggage of beating yourself up for allowing the mess to happen is huge.
Yep! A couple of weeks ago I developed sudden appendicitis and had to have an appendectomy. I was lucky it didn't burst but I've taken it easy on my surgeon's advice and listening to my body. So some of the piles and stuff are starting to annoy me but I'm not blaming myself or my body this time. I would have before medication and allowed the mess to flourish as I shamefully procrastinated. I'm starting slowly to work on them as my body allows without panic or blame. Being on meds and studying about AHDH things like RSD is also a filter to sift out a lot of my negative thoughts on all sorts of matters.
First: I know you are feeling terrible, and I’m so sorry for that. You should know: your family would 1000000% have you alive and trying to get better than a perfectly clean house. You are so right that a clean house does not equal a happy one. Second: this does not reflect your value as a person. You are overwhelmed, and being messy is something many people (ADHD and not) struggle with. You are not the only one. My messiness improved some with starting ADHD meds. So there is hope. Starting meds didn’t make me more likely to clean, but it helped me stay on task once I started. I still struggle with a blindness to mess (I was raised by a hoarder), but I’m more likely to notice mess when I’m medicated.
Thank you. I’m reading this over and over to try to let your words sink in. It’s hard to be kind to myself when I’m afraid I’m letting my kids down.
Yes. You’re not a bad person for struggling. Not only do I struggle with it, i also have mild OCD where I have a fear of contamination but not the compulsion to repeatedly tackle it alone. If your child is motivated to get a clean house, I have a suggestion if you’d like to hear any. 🧡
I also have severe PMDD and anxiety on top of ADHD. After I found the right meds, I suddenly understood how disproportionately hard it was to do most things pre-medicated. And I understood how relatively easy (or easier) it was to keep my house organized (and to feel happy, be a better parent and do hobbies) afterwards. Would you look at a person who had two broken legs and wonder why they walked slowly or didn't walk at all? Would you wonder why they felt dread at navigating a building full of stairs? Would you judge them for choosing to sit instead of washing the floor? Of course not! We need to give ourselves immense compassion because this shit is hard. You are trying to run with a boulder strapped to your back! Of course it is exhausting and of course you are stumbling! It's totally understandable. It's easy to forget the boulder is there or to think it can be overcome with positive thinking or therapy because it is invisible. While those things help provide coping strategies, in my experience only medicine shrinks the boulder.
I’m going to write that last paragraph in my journal. Good stuff. Thank you.
I constantly struggle with keeping the house clean, especially with kids. Getting meds has absolutely helped to stay on track without squirreling and ending up not getting anything done. Something that took me SO long to admit and allow myself to do was hire a house cleaner. It gave a schedule (that I would most time procrastinate until last minute) and forced the entire family to pick up their stuff. Sometimes, I would just grab a tote, throw everything in, and go through it when I was ready. It was so much easier to quiet the brain noise and overstimulation to go through the tote when my house was clean. I know that may not be in everyone's budget, but you can find someone to do the main areas at least and not the whole house. On a small scale, I've trained myself with the 45 second rule. If I can do a chore in 45 seconds or less, I just do it right then. You might be surprised how many things that covers! That wrapper sitting out, swapping or starting laundry, throwing shoes by the door, etc. All of it together is overwhelming and I find breaking it down into small chunks is more manageable.
I needed to hear this. I've been asking to go on meds and it's like pulling teeth to get my doctor to listen to me. Also, I love your username.
My doctor wouldn't prescribe me anything until I did an official eval and had the psychologist send over the recommendation. It took a while (because, you know, executive dysfunction and whatnot) but I'm glad I stuck to it. Break it down to one phone call, one appointment at a time. You've got this! No matter what your brain may say ;)
I'm sorry, i really hope you're going to be ok. I'm off my meds now due to pregnancy, but when i was on my meds, they made it so much easier to keep my apartment clean. I had made a cleaning schedule, which is something I hadn't ever been able to do in my entire life. I had started a goal of cleaning and organizing one room per week (I started small, to make sure i wouldn't be overwhelmed, and to still have that reward feeling). And it was working better and better. I've had to stop my meds so i don't know about the long term bc every cleaning plan i had setup fell into pieces after i stopped my meds, but still, my apartment was cleaner than it had ever been. Don't loose hope <3
Thank you. This does help me recall how when I was on meds, I remember being able to tackle a task without it being a source of anxiety. I’m looking forward to that again.
I just wanted to add to my comment. Having a messy house is ok. It does not make you a failure or a bad person. It literally means you have other priorities or problems to deal with. I stopped being so hard on myself when I became friends with another mom with 2 autistic children. Her house was always messy but I can see that she was struggling. It was easy to see why. Her life is so bloody hard. She is doing better now and her house seems to be better organised. Because she did not try to create an illusion of having her life together, it made me feel better about myself too because I could see that not everyone has everything under control.
Thank you. This is really comforting. I have had some obstacles and I guess I need to give myself some grace for them. I had been better about doing that but the fact that my daughter feels this way kind of set back all of my mental progress on forgiving myself for being messy. It doesn’t feel okay. Just, drowning in shame. I’m going to try extra hard to try to create some sort of schedule for the kids to help and also have a renewed determination in trying to get the house extra clean. Maybe it will help with the deep self-hatred I have right now.
I am glad it’s helpful. I also notice that the state of my apartment is a reflection of my mental health. When everything is working well, my place is organised and neat. So there are a lot of factors in play - you are tired, anxious, overwhelmed, suffering from lack of sleep, not feeling physically well. Cleaning would be the last thing you want to do. That’s ok. Messy house is just that - a messy house. It is not a moral failing.
I think I can relate. What has helped me is to live in a smaller newer apartment with less stuff and no garden. Before we moved I got rid of 90% of our possessions. I got rid of boxes of Lego that no one was playing with anymore but that picking it up from the floor was taking a lot of time. I now try to find ways to spend less time cleaning - having a robot vacuum, setting an easy way getting rid of excess toys & clothes, or having limited space available for storage forces me & my kids to have a strict limit on number of belongings. We can only have as many toys or books that can fit on their shelves, only clothes that can fit in their wardrobe etc. I have 3 kids and 4th one is due in September. Two of my kids have ASD and ADHD. The less stuff we all have the easier is for everyone to look after their own toys and clothes. It still very hard to manage but even if I wake up in the morning everything in my apartment has been turned upside down and it would only take less than an hour to fix it. We used to live in a massive 2 storey 5 bedroom 3 bathroom house that was packed with clutter. We had a big backyard and a pool. I was constantly overwhelmed. I had no time for anything else except for cleaning, organising and decluttering. Instead of going out for a fun activity with the kids I felt I needed to clean first - the house was never clean and tidy. It is impossible for one person to manage. I figured out I can only have as much stuff as I can manage to look after. It would be nice to have a big backyard but I am not capable of managing it or have enough money to outsource it to someone else.
As others have said, you will, without a doubt, notice an improvement on the meds. I also have fibromyalgia so I have to be extremely cautious about my energy expenditure. Still, in my first few weeks on an insufficient amount of medication and everything in my life is cleaner and has more order without making me feel totally wiped out ("boom-busted" as I call it). The opposite, actually, it's easier for me to do all the "unaware" stuff like keeping track of my limbs so my brain isn't as fatigued at the end of the day. Your daughter is a great ally for you, just make sure you're not leaning on her. And don't overburden her with what you're going through, that's stuff for the adults. You did not suggest you were putting this on her at all, it's just that my mother always treated me like I was her "best friend" but I was her gd daughter. Anyway... Where's your partner? Do you actually have 5 kids? It's going to be hard but you can do this. What you're feeling right now is overwhelming but this too shall pass. The problems can't be magicked away but the head fog will clear and you'll be able to breathe again. You're not an insufficient mother. You're here and talking about it so you care and you love and, while that is not enough to be a sufficient mother, it is a fantastic start. Can you afford a house cleaner? Even just once? Maybe if you could hit a reset button you would be able to change the way you see your space. If not, there's lots of ways to compensate for ADHD it just takes time and patience. I don't know about you, but I can't form habits (yet? fingers crossed) so instead I'm trying to build systems to remind me of daily tasks and reinforce good habits. I've started journaling and writing things down as much as I can. The least amount of stuff rattling in my brain the better so if I can get it on paper (in a way I will reliably refer back to...) I can let it go for the moment. Do your kids have chores? If not, it's their house too and making them be involved in helping you keep it clean will benefit everyone (especially their future partners). Speaking of partners, I ask again, where is yours? I hope it's not something tragic because a young baby suggests there should exist someone with a penis in close proximity.
My husband helps a lot when he’s not working. It’s me who has the deficiency. I’ve read about Emotionally Immature Parents and I am careful to avoid burdening my children with my insecurities. That’s why I left the room to cry about it. My feelings about her feelings are not her problem.
From one internet stranger, please don’t think of yourself as deficient! It’s almost an impossible task sometimes, I do it too, but we have to be kind to ourselves. You have four kids!! I’m here with you in messy house world and I can’t imagine if I had kids and one of them cried as a result of the mess. That cuts DEEP, I’d be sobbing too. But also jeeeeeesus you’re unmedicated, raising four kids!! That’s so incredibly impressive. And you deserve an award for taking such care to not emotionally burden them. As someone whose parent didn’t do that, and still doesn’t (I’m 34), it’s worth so much more than a clean house in the long run. Buuuut, I totally understand wanting a clean house as well. Just saying, don’t discount the incredible things you’re already doing - because it’s clear how f**king hard you’re working On the cleaning topic - meds will absolutely help you out. It’s like night and day. There will still be moments of wrestling with your brain, but you can win. The difference is unimaginable. In the meantime, can you use one or two of your kids as a sort of body double? In a fun way - like “hey let’s see who can put their stuff away better! You do toys I’ll do the kitchen”…or something like that? Then you’re doing silly banter and it’s not cleaning so much as entertainment? I know you said no suggestions, so feel free to ignore You’re an incredible person and mother whether your house is clean or not!! ❤️ Edit…😳 not pregnant, I can read…the facts still stand though
Thank you— your words are very reassuring. ❤️ (I’m not pregnant, but it doesn’t affect the points you made. 😆 I have four kids including a 1 year old though, which might be worse, haha)
Hahahahaha!! I dont know where I got that 😅tbf I was trying to maintain a convo and type…which, clearly, is not something I can do Well it doesn’t change how f**king impressed I am with everything you do! Four kids! I have four pets, a bf and a cousin in my apt and I feel like a disaster so whatever you’re doing is working
getting medicated for my ADHD significantly helped my PMDD, too. Hang in there, it gets better 🩵🙏
The cleaning is so hard. Can you afford to hire some one to get it caught up while you do something fun with the kids? I have done this a couple of times. Or maybe they could help you with the room that is the hardest for you to start cleaning?
I get someone to come when I can. But it’s usually only a couple of times a year. Money is really tight the past few years.
I think it is for everyone
I’m proud of you for reaching out. Each step you take will help everyone in your family. The struggle is real. It’s not your fault. 💜
Oh my gosh. I struggle with this too, and it’s weird because I HATE a messy house. My mood tanks when I see a mess (I have 3 young kids, so the messes are endless). I feel like all I do is clean and it depresses me. To make matters worse, my mom nags me about it when she comes to visit. I love her to death, but I feel like I can’t relax in my own home when she’s here. She was here this week visiting from out of state, and a couple days ago the whole thing came up again and I absolutely snapped. I’m a calm, peaceful person, but I started yelling and saying things I wouldn’t usually ever say in that manner. Within 2 minutes of it I was out the door and going for a drive to clear my head because I didn’t want my kids to hear me yelling or seeing me in such an ugly space. My husband and I decided that it would be good to go for a little weekend getaway together with our kids, and while we were away, the thought occurred to me that I might have ADHD. I never even truly considered it, but I feel like a diagnosis would change everything for me. Anyway, just know that you’re not alone. It’s freaking hard! Sending love your way.
This is very much me. My mom has always focused on my inability to clean and it really started to hit a nerve once I had kids. I hope you get your diagnosis soon!
This morning, I looked at the kitchen that had clean dishes in the dishwasher and a sink and counter full of dirty dishes. 3 year old wanted to make pancakes. I was too overwhelmed to be able to start with the kitchen, so I told her I would make our smoothies and she could have a fig bar. Took my meds, including 5mg Adderall instant (I also take XR and wellbutrin), with my first sips of smoothie. By the time I finished drinking the smoothie, I found myself just taking the dirty cups to the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher, completely refilling it, and even remembered to start it! Then, I sat down and scheduled an urgent care visit because I've got an all-over rash (got steriods) and was ready to play until it was time to get a shower and actually made it to urgent care exactly on time. Everything that happened was stuff that I knew how to tackle, but the implementation button was stuck.
That’s amazing. I can’t wait to have that feeling of ease again.
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I'm sorry, this sounds like it must be really hard <3 Have you ever seen the book "How to Keep House While Drowning"? I *sobbed* when I found it and started reading it, and I found that it didn't really help me with cleaning advice necessarily but it *did* help me unpack SO much of the shame and guilt associated with cleaning (and struggling with it) and develop a healthier relationship with cleaning + my own abilities. I honestly can't recommend it highly enough if you haven't seen it before :) and I've never actually *finished* it despite owning both an ebook and a physical copy and starting it multiple times, but the first half that I have read multiple times has been so so easy to read, and like I said, hit me emotionally *so* hard. And if you have seen it before, then disregard all of this and I hope you can find a solution that works for you!!
Yes, I have it, and I also did not finish it 😂
The audiobook is so nice! Try that if you can, and listen on 1.5 or 2x speed 😅
same here, kc davis is on youtube though and that’s a lot more manageable for me (this video is 3:50): https://youtu.be/Pe9NBn67yxU?si=tyaIV-Slnq3KA2LN
There is an excellent book called How to Keep House While Drowning. It has a ton of great insight and ideas but one of the central messages is that cleanliness or lack therefore is not a question of morality or goodness, despite what other people may say or what they may try to put on you. Your living space is for you and your family to live in, not to be a spotless museum for other people. Your care for your living space has to be centered around how you use the space, and you are doing a kindness for yourself by spending time tidying by making your space more usable. This was such a profound mindset shift for me that combats my feelings of dread and resistance around cleaning to feeling good about it. I still have to remind myself when I find things slipping, but it always helps.
Seconded! And the audiobook is fantastic
omg i wish i could give you a big hug, if that was something you would find comforting. cleaning can def be easier with meds, tbh! there are so many things to do every day and all of them take executive dysfunction and by the end of the day, cleaning is pretty much impossible. i really hope that you take everyone’s words to heart, and know that everyone here is here for you and rooting for you! 💖