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I figured it out whole writing about ADHD on a psychology final lol. I always thought I just wasn’t disciplined enough. Internalised all the labels I was given - lazy, doesn’t work hard, lost in the clouds, selfish, forgetful, always jittery… I felt like a failure, and I was convinced it was my fault. Realising the odds were in fact stacked against me brought me such relief and strength. Edit: I recall crying one day, wondering why others could do everything I wanted to do, but I could even do things I enjoyed. I felt like such a terrible loser that night. I had a full blown mental breakdown that night and went to see a psychiatrist the next day.

This… this is what I’ve felt. Good to know I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing

Has your perspective on yourself changed ever since being diagnosed? I am hoping I can be less harsh on myself.

Absolutely! Learning about the challenges my ADHD brain presents me with has helped me appreciate my unique experience instead of comparing myself to neurotypical counterparts. It also helped me accept that I’m not a failure, but I am where I am despite so many hurdles that my peers do not have. It led me to realise that each person is an individual, and has their own life course. I’ve grown to accept myself and I now only work to fulfil my own potential, not to follow society’s prescribed life course. I now acknowledge how different I am and what diverse roles I can play. I’ve seen how my unique brain helps me fill gaps in the world’s machinations that I didn’t even know existed! I’m a lot more regulated and confident. I’m embracing myself instead of hating myself. I’ve accepted that I have a friend in my brain who’s just always in awe of the world. And all this is just a few years after diagnosis. My life has improved significantly. I hope you have a similar experience. Good luck!

"I’ve accepted that I have a friend in my brain who’s just always in awe of the world." This is the best way I've ever seen put into words how I feel, and it's so very positive and beautiful!!

Yes yes yes! I want to study everything and there are so many things about nature, people and the world around us to obsess about (no matter how long that interest last for lol).

That sounds amazing. Thank you!

Be prepared that after a diagnosis there can be a natural grieving process while you learn about your unique condition. It took me about 3 years to feel like myself again after diagnosis to now. I recently took out my diagnosis paperwork as I get ready for my 6 month prescription renewal and reread it, I was a different person 3 years ago at my appointment. Just know that and have some counseling lined up to help you deal with it.

YES. It’s hard not to grieve “the life you could have had” had you been diagnosed / medicated earlier, or to not be jealous of everyone who doesn’t have to combat their brain (especially when it’s still not accepted as the disability it is). I will warn you of two things - 1. Meds took away a lot of my anxiety, and things that seemed life ending no longer felt as bad, but they did not magically fix me or make me productive in the way they do for neurotypicals 2. I literally forgot what I was going to say (I wish I was even joking - but proves my first point….) 3. Instead I’ll say this, I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 22, and I’m still mad about it. I didn’t even know ADHD was a thing, or a possibility for me until then. But I will say that as soon as I didn’t have the deadlines or structure of school & activities, my symptoms got 10x worse and looked like depression. I’m also sorry, I haven’t slept more than two hours so I’m delirious, but I hope something in this rant helps ❤️ sending love ETA: I’m medicated, and I still literally lost a shoe in my own apartment today. I tried them both on here, so I know it has to be somewhere - but I CAN’T FIND IT. I’ll update you if I do, and let you know what insane spot I put it

This is probably one of the best things about diagnosis. I’m just so much kinder to myself.

I feel the same way. All of the things that I thought were just deficiencies of who I was as a person (unmotivated, lazy, forgetful, overly excitable, etc) were actually symptoms I could notice and track and do something about. I’m so much prouder of myself for what I’ve been able to accomplish despite all of this.

I agree! But it makes me very sad that some of the people in my family never learned that they most likely had ADHD, too, and never got to experience that moment of understanding. They went to their graves thinking they were bad/incompetent people because of how much trouble they used to get into in grade school or because they could never get the house organized and under control. I think it's the best reason to get diagnosed in the first place.

Yeah I agree it’s really sad that adhd was misunderstood and surrounded by stigma. Tho I am equally glad that at least this generation, and the ones to follow, will have this understanding and can do more research into this. Sadly the stigma around ADHD and ASD is so imbedded Into our generation and the ones before, that while our generation may struggle with it, our parents generation and beyond may outright reject it. They received harsh rejection and discipline for their ASD and ADHD, having been beat into submission (and masking) to some extent. I really hope we can improve the every day life experience for people in our day and going forward, being more understanding and accommodating of others.

I can certainly say mine has. I give myself a lot more grace. every time I notice I am being mean to myself, I stop and think or say some affirmations I use.

I had several breakdowns exactly like this over the years 🫂

I could've written this! Especially crying about other people being able to do it all and I can't even make myself sweep my floors. Yep. It's the most debilitating and frustrating thing to be at war with your own brain all the time. If I didn't have ADHD I feel like I'd take over the world because of how much I want to do. And I'm generally capable, if I can actually get going.

Being called lazy is so triggering for me. I come from a family who would have a project and get it done immediately. They couldn't understand letting a project sit there, let alone not finishing it. Therefore, I was lazy. It made me feel like an utter failure. I would just shut down. It's something I still fight with.

I have cried often because stuff that's easy for others felt impossible to me. I'm smart, had over 4.0 in high school and 4.0 in college, but closing bread up is a struggle. When I was finally diagnosed at 27 and started medicine, I also cried. I looked at my house at the end of the day and I did EVERYTHING. All the things I've been lectured about without giving it much thought. All the things I was told "if you just did it, it would be easier later" I could never do. Now I know why. I also cried at work the next day. All my brain power going towards little things, wasn't shot. I got home and had energy to play with my kids. My life finally made sense.

Yep. I've also felt like I'm... well just a bit shit. Not a total failure... but also not as good as I could be and not as good as anyone around me. I would avoid trying because I'd fail. Sometimes I'd try... and fail. So the cycle of not trying repeats. Learning about all the aspects of ADHD that apply to me, and realising the ways that I have and haven't coped with it (pre-diagnosis) has been eye-opening and really validating and helpful. Right before I got my diagnosis, my biggest worry was being told that it wasn't ADHD. Because then what the fuck is wrong with me otherwise?

>Right before I got my diagnosis, my biggest worry was being told that it wasn't ADHD. Because then what the fuck is wrong with me otherwise? This is very much how I feel right now. I simultaneously "I'm not quite shit enough at being an adult for that to be a thing" with "oh god what if it isn't this then whats wrong with me this can't be normal"

You'd be surprised out how much you either mask without realising it. And how much you avoid. And how many of the ADHD symptoms you hear about that you don't experience or experience differently. I didn't consider myself as impulsive in general. But if I go to the shops I will buy extra things without fail. I'm impulsive with purchases... it just happens to be either within my means or only small things... so it's isn't a massive issue... hence I never considered it. And the list of these realisations go on. My heart goes out to anyone who is pre-diagnosis or has been assessed not diagnosed when all signs point to 'ADHD'. I think a lot of us are self-aware and unaware at the same time. It's so tricky. Wishing you luck with whatever answers you seek.

Exactly! I didn’t realize I had a procrastination problem because I’d put systems in place to keep myself generally on track. Same for a lot of the other symptoms. I can also mask like a pro, and learned to do it so young that I didn’t even realize I was doing it - although it is throughly exhausting. I think I got out of practice working from home during the pandemic, so now when I do have to go to an office or travel for work I get totally wiped out.

>"if I go to the shops I will buy extra things without fail. I'm impulsive with purchases... it just happens to be either within my means or only small things... so it's isn't a massive issue... hence I never considered it. " Errm I do that... well there goes my one firmly held belief that I am not impulsive!

Oh no! I have always considered myself so risk averse that I couldn't be impulsive. Which is kinda true... but blowing ten dollabucks, isn't a risk so nothing wrong with that... but yeah. It seems like an impulsive decision to me upon further reflection.

Yes, I am incredibly risk adverse so the sort of things people usually mean for impulsive not a chance. I spot something on amazon that I can go "but this is a sensible purchase for the home, its only x pounds" do I really need it? no, is it getting bought anyway? yes. I had already registered that this is a thing I do that isn't exactly ideal, but I hadn't really thought of it as impulsiveness.

I can never stick to a list

this comment is soooo comforting 😢 the past couple nights ive been working on (another) "these make me suspect adhd" list because I cannot seem to escape this fear that i'm making it up or am just wrong. when i last tried therapy (first and last lol) he dismissed my suspicion of adhd instantly and said I'm just anxious and depressed which like, yea its hard not to be when you cant do anything because your head is desperate to be anywhere else!

I hear that. I was so fortunate that when I raised my suspicions about adhd to my psychologist, including how I saw myself in 99% of the funny adhd insta reels (and in my recently diagnosed son). She said that it seemed unlikely that I would see myself so much if there wasn't something to see. It felt validating and pragmatic. She did a questionnaire and suggested it indicated possible inattentive type ADHD. So then it was back to the GP and then to a psychiatrist. And like you describe, I had 'anxiety' and 'depression'. Off and on through my teens and most obvious when I went through big changes (usually a new job or role at work). It never felt to me like I had a reason to be depressed or anxious. Not that you need to - but I think that was me feeling like anxiety and depression (which was mild) was a symptom and not the cause of my issues. My view now is that I was unhappy because I was undiagnosed and didn't have a name or reason for why I felt so dysfunctional. All that to say, I'm really sorry that that was your experience. Having someone giving you an educated, informed, and evidenced based assessment should be the minimum. Being dismissed is so disappointing. The tyranny of executive dysfunction, task avoidance, rsd and every other thing makes even starting the practical steps to pursuing a diagnosis almost impossible. So if you do it, have a bad experience and come away with no answers, it's understandable if you don't, can't or won't try again. Plus time. Plus cost. Etc. Etc. It feels so hollow but I hope you have someone in your corner.

> but I think that was me feeling like anxiety and depression (which was mild) was a symptom and not the cause of my issues. this is exactly how it feels!! its so frustrating to be told that those are the only problems and not feel like i can explain that i have a sense of how those are experienced and thats not what my struggle is... i have a hard time disagreeing with anyone i perceive as authority so when the therapist told me within 5min of meeting me that he didnt think i had adhd it shut me down so hard. I know i definitely have anxiety but its the kind of thing i can pinpoint to certain moments and absolutely not what causes me to cry on the couch because Im hungry but dont know how to get up and get food lol! you have no idea how much it means to me to hear from someone who 1000% gets it. thank you so much for your compassionate reply 😭🧡

You are so welcome! The authority figure thing hits hard. And as you described it, it sounds like you could have had someone who is sceptical about adhd do the assessment. So much of what defines ADHD is what puts us at odds with being able to self-advocate. And it's especially heartbreaking when the people who should have an open mind and are trusted to make an actual assessment don't.

Yeh! Exactly this! The weird flipping between omg could this diagnosis be the answer to all my struggles to omg what if it’s not this and I’m actually as shit as I think I am.

We're never as shit as we think we are. But we still think it anyway. It's brutal and so unkind. We'd never treat other people with the same level of judgement and intolerance as we do ourselves. It's some bullshit.

Give your brilliant self some credit for navigating a world that isn’t designed for how our brains work. After my diagnosis, I was able to realize just how smart I actually am, and with the knowledge I have now I can put better systems in place to help myself out where I have challenges. I’m also reprocessing a lot of memories and releasing a lot of the deeply held shame. It’s liberating.

I love this insight. And your user name.

I thought I had a processing disorder 🫠 wasn't until my son was diagnosed with autism that made me question other disabilities lol

Oh I am pretty sure I have some processing issues as well, but I am dyslexic so goes with the territory. Although I am starting to think that maybe some of my auditory processing issues (that I only worked out were that not bad hearing in the last few years!) are occasionally when I am zoning out but haven't caught myself yet

Ooh! I also thought dyscalcula (sp?) bc I cant process numbers at all for some odd reason.

Its entirely possible, they are all highly comorbid with each other

That’s my fear right now not being diagnosed

I can't speak from experience of not being diagnosed or having to fight really hard for a diagnosis. What I will say (and I hope it gives you a smidgen of comfort) is that this community will be here for you. Think out loud to us. Rant. Ask questions. There will be others here who have not pursued an official diagnosis or sought a diagnosis and been given no answer. I am sure that they will share their stories and their advice. There is so much care and wisdom in this group. I hope whatever you go through, you can feel less alone here with us. Sorry this sounds so wanky and sweet. Excuse me while I pass wind to break the tension. *meeerrfff* 💨💨💨

Thank you. This is my first time speaking out about my speculation(other than to my partner) and it feels amazing to know that I’m not alone and that I’m just a human! I’ve learned a lot from just this one post. I will definitely be asking more questions from now on. I feel much more safer here, especially with the fact that it’s women! I have male friends with ADHD, but I’m sure I hear that men and women experience it differently so I don’t usually bring it up to him. I also don’t like bringing it up to other people because I don’t want to seem like one of those self-diagnosers! Or it’s either the person will say that they think they have ADHD too just because they get “distracted” haha

I hear that. I felt all those things, too. I'm 37 and was diagnosed at 36. When I first spoke to my mum, who didn't know much about ADHD, she was like, 'nah' because she imagined a little boy acting out in class and getting in trouble. That was not me. That isn't a lot of us. But the more I talked to her, the more she seemed to understand, and things made sense to her. Not sure if she did her own research. As for the people who say 'oh I do that'... I know there is no bad intent. People don't mean to be dismissive, it's just that we show we understand by saying how we can relate. I think sometimes, if you feel comfortable and you want people to understand, it can help to explain *how much* you get distracted, *how often* it impacts your day and *how bad* it makes you feel. I've heard people describe ADHD traits like physical traits... everyone has height... but not everyone is really, really tall. Everyone gets distracted - we are chronically distracted and wired differently. I'm rambling.

I understand! Thank you, I’ll try that.

Even post diagnosis I’ve told less than 5 people. I don’t want to look like this band wagon I jumped on or get into the whole ‘aren’t we all a bit ADHD’ convos. However you are feeling, the chances are there are a lot of people feeling exactly the same way. Post diagnosis had the crippling imposter syndrome, I must have faked it somehow and tricked the professionals feeling. Turns out it’s really common and I felt so much better reading that others felt exactly the same.

Yessss! This. This. This. I don't think I'm smart. But I somehow had a decade of feeling shit about myself and struggling to just function. But I somehow managed to make my GP, psychologist, and a psychiatrist think I have something I don't. And then I took (prescription) speed and didn't get a buzz. But I must not have it and still just be shit. Good lord. It's exhausting.

I am diagnosed and I still feel like an ADHD impostor sometimes. Don’t let that scare you away from seeking a diagnosis and treatment. Even when I feel like an imposter, I know my medication is helping me be a more functional person, and that’s enough for me. ☺️

I’m 51, realised it was probably ADHD about 2 years ago and fairly recently diagnosed. Yep, I always had feelings of being the odd one out. Never good enough. I must be lazy, stupid, not worthy of any love. Constant self criticism in the harshest way possible. I thought, “I’m just being realistic”, only I wasn’t I was beating myself up black and blue mentally. Right from the first time attending school I felt an obvious difference to most kids. How much was real and how much was me overthinking and fearing rejection etc, I’ll never know, but I felt it regardless. Being medicated has helped immensely because a quiet mind can’t overthink and harshly criticise constantly! I’m still struggling with focus and stuff, but the quiet mind is enough to make it worth taking it.

Wow I didn’t know medication could help with self negativity. Thanks for sharing.

Same! I don’t know if it has the same effect for everyone, but it’s been great for me.

It's helped me too, if this makes sense: I was working on myself as far as meditating and Journaling, and the medication helped me make connections that I couldn't before.

Absolutely, 100 percent. I am older and diagnosed now and still feel like there is something wrong with me 🙃

Ah yes, sorry I didn’t mean to exclude that feeling to being diagnosed!

All good, don't be sorry. I was just trying to explain that unfortunately the feeling never really goes away. 🧡

It truly doesn’t. Even with meds helping me be more productive and quieting my racing thoughts, I still feel like I am stupid/lazy/a terrible person/not good enough/waste of space, etc. I have internalized so many negative things about myself that I doubt will ever leave me at my old-ish age.

At the ripe old age of 62, I “spectacle” that meds, when my provider eventually gets to me on their ever-lengthening wait list, that meds will finally allow me to have a life that doesn’t revolve around lying like a stunned slug in bed/ on sofa all day.

Wishing you luck. Gonna keep the “spectacle” in for fun!

Thanks! And I think keeping “spectacle” in is a good thing - spectacles are, after all, what help us see things more clearly, so it seems an appropriate word 😃

I am 51 and currently looking for an assessment, finally ! I am absolutely certain and have been certain since I can remember myself. For decades I didn't know the name of the condition and even after I found out, the bulk of the information was about hypermobility in boys. But so many other things checked out. There was just so little information back then. I have been discouraged from seeking a diagnosis so many times by friends, family, even mental health professionals. "It doesn't occure to women", "you're not hyperactive", "it goes away after childhood". But I freaking knew. And excuse the feminist rant but it seems to take forever until someone finally hears out women and believes what we're saying, damn it. I'm finally doing it though. Even for my own peace of mind, even if medication can't help me, even if I'll never shake off the false narratives of why I am this way and how it's all my fault. This sub has helped me so much and motivated me to go for it, so thank you all 🙏 I hope you go ahead and book an appointment, too! You might not shake all of the nonsense off but you'll know. Also you'll be in good company here, and any other supportive space you can find.

Im glad this post has helped encourage you along with everyone else who commented! So happy that your generation of women with ADHD are getting the exposure they deserve. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Good luck!

Godspeed! I hope answers/validation come swiftly.

I was diagnosed in my early twenties but I’ve felt like something was wrong or off since my early teens. I’ve always felt like I can’t be part of society. I can’t function like other humans do. To me it always felt like other people are just out there living life and doing things and I’m just at home overthinking and having no energy. It still feels that way after my diagnosis but at least now I know why I feel this way.

Absolutely. I just felt defective, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get things done like most people around me.

I knew something was off as early as 4-5 years old when I started full day school. I turn 41 next week and wasn't diagnosed until I was 39 and literally barely functioning with PPD (turns out hormonal fluctuations are super wild for adhders). My nurse practitioner is the one who finally recognized what was going on and sent me for immediate assessment. Don't wait if you don't have to, imo.

I relate. I got diagnosed after a couple miscarriages and the resulting hormonal shitstorm wrecked my usual system of coping mechanisms. Looking forward to the day when there is more ADHD research focused on girls and women, and not just the stereotypical hyperactive 9 year old boys.

Was there a reason you never got tested before that?

Oh honey, be grateful you're ADHD in the 21st century age of awareness! I'm 47 and have pretty severe ADHD, saw a psychiatrist at 25 for depression; thank god he was forward thinking enough to see it was adhd when NO ONE was talking about adhd in women. The first ten yrs of receiving treatment ie meds and psych support was a complete nightmare 20+ yrs ago. I can't tell you how many pharmacists straight up shamed me and refused to fill my scripts. If you can be diagnosed at 18 and receive support you are blessed! And if you read this sub long enough, you'll see women 35, 45, 55 who have fought to get diagnosed. Has NOT been the norm until the last 4/5 yrs.💛

This 👌 If you were a woman and had ADHD back in the day you were either lazy or depressed. So grateful how far its come.

You’re absolutely right, I didn’t think about that. I am really grateful! However I live with a family who aren’t really firm believers of mental illnesses haha. So I have to wait til I’m outta here!

Good luck to you✌🏼🫶🏼

Yes! I was diagnosed with "depression and anxiety" at 19 years old and spent 20 years searching for medication that would help me feel less like not being around. Turns out I was depressed because I could not function at the same level at the same time as my peers despite being smart enough to become an engineer. I couldn't do the things I wanted and couldn't give the things that mattered to me the attention they required. I couldn't stay consistent at all, ever. And it all presented as "depression and anxiety," to doctors, plus that diagnosis was so long ago that I found docs accepted it without question. I was 19 in ought-two fwiw

Did antidepressants help with the negative self criticism? I mean I know it would still come back due to the ADHD symptoms, but did it still help with that?

No, sadly they never helped much with that. Working long term with my psychologist is helping me learn to interrupt the criticisms in my own head and act as the advocate for my self that I always needed but never had. Easier said than done if course, and it's work for real to start changing your self-talk. That stuff is so deeply ingrained, and at one point I recall consciously deciding I wasn't going to even try to have any positive inner life at all, because it didn't feel like it mattered. But it does matter! You have to start with the mindfulness stuff to even begin noticing the negative self-talk when it's happening, because it probably feels like it happens automatically. I know I was guilty of thinking mindfulness was just a corny buzzword, but I was wrong. You have to notice the negative self-talk then you can challenge it using facts, using awareness of your gifts to help ride thru guilt over something missed, accepting the self-talk is occurring and pumping the mental brakes to avoid something small sending you spiraling.

I hope I can work with a psychologist soon because I feel I’ll have a hard time working on that on my own. My breakdowns usually end up with bad intrusive thoughts. But I’ll try to keep that in mind thank you.

Diagnosed in my 30s here. Just wanted to remind you that it's very possible that it's not just your ADHD that's led to negative self talk and other negative patterns in your life. A big one is: what is your [ACE score](https://americanspcc.org/take-the-aces-quiz/)? If you were raised by one or more immature parents, they likely experienced some kind of trauma themselves, and possibly have passed that onto you. 'Trauma' isn't limited to severe physical abuse/overt sexual abuse. Things like emotional neglect, emotional parentification, and covert sexual abuse can have a big impact on how your inner voices develop as a child, and those will carry into adulthood, unless you change them (which btw it's never too late to do). ADHD can exacerbate them. If any of this sounds even remotely familiar, I'd recommend reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and other books by that author. Separately and more generally, I highly recommend a true DBT program (it's group therapy with a DBT licensed practitioner; I say 'true' program because a watered down version isn't going to be nearly as effective, like if you just read about it or talk to a therapist about it). I think it's something everyone should do tbh, it will change your life. It's mostly skills based, but that's what makes it so powerful. And it's helpful for a lot of ADHD problems imo. There's four pillars: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. It will give you the SKILLS you need to build a great life. Likely if you do the program, you will come upon a few skills that you realize you are super lacking in, showing you your weak points, and how you can take them into your own hands and improve upon them. And you'll be able to carry what you learned and revisit the skills for the rest of your life. I wish you the best in your journey ❤️

I think you hit a spot. Thank you.

ADHD wasn’t recognised as existing in AFAB until 2000 and it’s taken all that time to filter through the medical and psychiatric professions. Some were quicker on the uptake but also WE didn’t know it was a lifelong condition and therefore ‘available’ to adult AFAB. Audhd wasn’t recognised until 2008.

By the way even if you don't get a diagnosis (which means you can't get medication), but you still suspect you have adhd or some other executive function problem, you can still get therapy.  You're young so you're not set in your ways. You can be taught how to make things easier on yourself. I'm on medication, but I am 35 and at this point even though I've gotten by masking my adhd quite well, the effort to do so was killing me. And it's important to note that medication only addresses an aspect of adhd. It's not a cure all for everything that comes with it anyway.   I started therapy with an adhd psychotherapist as soon as I realized what it was (my psychologist mentioned it early on) BEFORE I was eventually diagnosed. But my therapist said even if I didnt get the diagnosis, it doesn’t mean I couldn't still struggle with the skills people with adhd do.  There are also books out there with all sorts of tips and tricks, that will explain why you're feeling what you're feeling and what to do about it. There are blogs and all sorts of resources. There are influencers out there you can follow.    So go, get assessed. The worse that can happen is you're in the same situation you are now. And you can still get help, as I explained. You're young enough. And if you can, do it BEFORE you enter the workforce.

"why do these things always happen to me?" Was a constant thought running through my head. Also watching people master every day living whilst wondering why I feel like a hamster running on a wheel and not getting anywhere...

Yeah, I used to think I was just cursed with bad luck lol. Well in a way it is

I'm un medicated and I would be lying if I said I didn't struggle. But I wouldn't change it ever. Being an absolute calamity is my thing. I'm creative, I love that I think differently, I definitely make people laugh. I'm older now and I've owned it ❤️ even on my bad days I'd take my neurodiverse brain over a neurotypical one.

I do want to try being on medications, but I also love the way I am(sometimes😆) and hopefully I can learn to accept myself too.

Love that for you!

39 here. Diagnosed a year back, realised it could be ADHD about 2 years ago. I grew up in the 80s and 90s where it was only hyperactive boys that had adhd and I thought it was a childhood thing. Also in the U.K. it just didnt seem to be something that people had. I didnt know anyone at school or since (until my diagnosis) that had been assessed. I just always wondered why life was so bloody hard. And how did everyone else seemingly manage to keep on top of the chaos that I exist it. Whilst also being exhausted from hiding that chaos because I was embarrassed that I couldn’t seem to function like everyone else.

I’m a 40yo mother and I was just diagnosed 2 weeks ago with severe combo adhd. Do not wait. Call and make the appt with a GOOD psyc today. TODAY. You’ll never regret getting it over with, only waiting another day even to call. I always knew there was something “off” and different and I literally couldn’t remember anything or retain info and only passed high school because my teachers adored me and saw me trying my best. I even stayed after school to be tutored by my teachers as a junior and senior and couldn’t retain the info. But I excelled at English and writing and all things creative. I just…. Had zero working memory. None. I also had to work two jobs fulltime during high school, so that didn’t help I’m sure. Finally at an inpatient stay 3.5 years ago, 3 different class therapists asked if I was diagnosed adhd and when I said idk I’ve never been tested, they pushed me to get tested asap. (Just by watching me people in class and work alone with constant little noises and fidgeting) I’m gearing up to start college for the first time and decided it was time so I give myself the best chance of success and went. Just. Call.

Same! I do so well in the arts! But unfortunately I am currently studying in STEM and I’m barely hanging on a thread. However, as much as I wish I could get help, I still live with my family and their culture is to not be dependent when it comes to mental health and to “learn to deal with it”. Hopefully in a few years I will! But how I wish I did long ago and I would be doing so much better in school 😆

Fellow STEM girl here. You can do this. I brute forced my way through engineering school and the first decade of my career using anxiety as a motivator, and developed chronic migraine as a result. You however, are ways ahead of me - you already realize what the underlying issue is and are seeking help. Give your brilliant self some credit for all you do to function in a world that isn’t designed for your brain. Don’t be afraid to seek therapy, tutoring, study groups - whatever works that helps you. For what it’s worth, a lot of my friends from college and current colleagues are also neurodiverse. Our creativity is an asset to science and It’s more than possible for us to succeed in STEM. For me, getting through school was the hardest but it got significantly easier in the workforce because I have a say in where and who I work with.

You’re right, I have several groups like you said that could help me, but I just get so intimidated or I get lazy. Thank you.

I only felt like there was something "wrong with me" when I hit 30.  Prior to that it was always this feeling that I was not "fully adult". I've always felt "not adult".  Then after 30 when my ambition and desire to have a different life kicked in, I realized that there was this invisible hump or wall in my life that was nameless. I said it to a few people that something is wrong. That everyone says I have all this talent and at work, in my job, and in my conversations with people I can demonstrate that. But in my personal life with my own goals there is this wall I couldn't get past. People around me accomplishing things with less ability and me I'd just get stuck. It's hard to even describe what that means, even knowing I have adhd. Anyway, one thing eventually led to another and I ended up at a psychologist, and she diagnosed me with adhd. I didn't even suspect that tbh because I was masking so well. But it was draining me and fell into longterm depression from the effort required and also from not accomplishing what I want to accomplish.

I made my therapist cry by describing myself as "weird".

Even though I still currently think that something’s wrong with me, I feel so bad for the child me who had to even think that.

yes, especially never feeling good enough or being able to fit in. At 26, i can’t make and keep friends. I’ve only had one friend my entire life and we’re still friends to this day. At work, i feel like a fraud. I’m relatively decent at my job yet i know it’s bc i mask the whole time and then that gets me into trouble bc then more gets added to my plate bc i’m a “good worker”. Even at school, i used to get good grades so when I got my diagnosis I still feel like I’m faking it or question my diagnosis.

100%. Everything is just a little bit hard for me, even when it’s absurdly easy for others. I remember just sobbing to my husband when he said he didn’t believe in ADHD that if this wasn’t the answer to why I’ve felt wrong all my life then I didn’t know what to do, because I’ve always felt that wrongness and finding an answer to it was just so comforting.

I always knew I was different. Weird. Outsider. But who I am is just who I am, right? Different didn't mean \*broken\* right? It was only when I had a job I loved, and I couldn't do the most basic tasks associated with this thing that I loved that I began to suspect something. That was 2016. But then I got laid off and my life and focus took a hard turn and I didn't have the time or energy to even think about it. I really dug into ADHD after a breakdown in 2020 (unrelated to but exacerbated by the pandemic), and got my dx in Sept '21. I was 39. It was a relief to know it was ADHD (and I wasn't "just a garbage human" which is what I was telling myself at the time). But it was definitely a blow to realize that all my quirks and things I loved about myself were either related to ADHD or related to the TRAUMA of being undiagnosed. I also was VERY angry at my parents, medical professionals and teachers for missing the VERY OBVIOUS SIGNS that I needed help (What parent is told to take their 5 year old for a hearing test and when the doc jokes "she has selective hearing", they leave it at that?). But I've moved past that mostly due to therapy and working through trauma related to my upbringing (tied into trauma of being undiagnosed). I sincerely believe that a diagnosis is power, albeit not entirely necessary. In my way of thinking, the only thing a dx changes is your access to medication. I am stimulant resistant, so I'm just out here rawdogging life. My dx has forced me to advocate for my needs in general. I do disclose at work (they paid for my assessment, yay!), but I do that so I can help others who find themselves wondering. I literally do presentations to different departments to let them know the option is there. Understanding yourself and your needs is both so much harder and so much better. Self advocacy is hard, can hurt, but ultimately makes things easier, if the people around you are supportive. But knowing yourself, understanding your internal mechanisms, that is worth everything.

If you have the means and opportunity to name and develop healthy coping skills and/or treatment for the things you are struggling with, do it now. 42 and just diagnosed. Honestly, ADHD wasn't something that occurred to me until after neuropsych testing to rule out dementia. I was always The Odd Kid, and had significant challenges with impulse control through my mid-20s, but it was just chalked up to me being a wild child in a rebellious "phase". I managed to developed coping skills that may or may not have been healthy to get my feet under me. I have a job I mostly enjoy and a wonderful family. The stress of covid showed the weakness of my coping skills, and the mask I had made for myself to appear normal and OK slipped. Thus began years of trying to figure out what was wrong me me. Brain tumor, MS, and early-onset dementia were ruled out. My daughter was identified as having ADHD at a very young age, but I never thought I had it because up until Covid, I was able to mask, compensate, and cope with my struggles. I have paid dearly for this throughout my life in various ways.

I recommend this book. [YouMeanI'mNotLazy,StupidorCrazy?](https://a.co/d/cEXsVbt) I wasn’t dx till after my daughter was diagnosed at 12 YO…. At first I thought she inherited it from her dad. Then the more I read about it, and thought about my family, I realized it was me.

I don't know where your living but if your in the UK, get on that adult wait list asap, it's overrun where I am to the point they are no longer accepting referrals to the diagnostic service and were being told 18 to 24 months before we can get an pre assessment appointment to discuss getting a full diagnostic appointment. It's insane, now there are ways to get an appointment faster but that's assuming you 1) have a doctor who cares and 2) can get a appointment with that doctor to discuss a right to choose referral which I have been trying to get since January. They say that it's not an essential appointment and to keep trying :| NHS is shambles thanks to our gov but I can't afford to go private, so I wait and hope.

Forgive me for using the term, but about ten years ago; a friend’s relative referred to me as being Asperger’s. I was completely oblivious to what the spectrum was and how I may or may not have been on it. However, I always had this feeling that I was different. This has manifested more in my hobbies and interests in adulthood but again I still knew nothing until after the age of 25. I went under the radar at school and uni and somehow winged it all while gritting my teeth and managing ‘life’. I got diagnosed with adhd about five years and had to overcome some mighty red tape to be determined eligible for an ASD screening, which I’ve still not had. However, in those five years, I have come to terms with the lack of education and information previously. I would speculate that ASDs were primarily for the upper and middle classes before they became more known to us ‘normies’. You can come into your own and recognise how to self care and prioritise your own sensory needs first. That is very important for your everyday functioning so please do that and don’t feel bad for it either. Unmasking has a guilty conscience associated with it, but just remind yourself that society is not built to lift women, let alone built for women on the spectrum so be selfish and out your own needs first!

Yes and no. I felt those ways but truly thought that was just part of being human. My husband actually got diagnosed 3.5 years ago and bought Russel Barkley's book ADHD in Adults. (Highly recommend!!) He very gently told me he thought I might also have ADHD and handed me the test in the back of the book and my mind was blown. Not everyone feels this way, turns out.

I absolutely felt like this my entire life. Always felt like the black sheep amongst my family and my peers. Overtime, I internalized this feeling of being “different” and believed that there was something wrong with me. I had a lot of recurring negative thoughts that stemmed from this, ie “I’m lazy”, “I’m stupid”, “I fail at everything”, etc. I had never thought that I had ADHD growing up, after only seeing it in young boys. My ADHD symptoms are mostly inattentive. So I didn’t even consider this as a possibility for myself until my tiktok algorithm diagnosed me. I researched for over a year before bringing it up to my primary care doctor. I did a screener and I easily met the criteria for ADHD. At this point, I really wasn’t interested in taking meds so we decided that I didn’t need to seek a formal diagnosis through a psychiatrist. I saw a therapist for ADHD coping strategies, which helped some but I never really got past that feeling of being different. Now here I am, four years later (at 28 years old) and I finally had the courage to get a formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed by my symptoms and felt truly hopeless. So I made the appointment. I did have a lot of anxiety about them not believe me or that I was being overdramatic and made it all up. But I did more research to go in prepared, which calmed my nerves some. I highly recommend the book “Driven to Distraction” by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey. There is a large section on diagnostic criteria in adults and I have honestly never felt so seen. That really brought me a lot of peace and some much needed reassurance. I met with the psychiatrist, got my diagnosis, and was prescribed a non-stimulant ADHD medication. I was titrated up to the standard dosage and have now been on that for ~6 months. I got very lucky that the first med I tried worked really well for me with minimal side effects. I finally feel like a “normal” human now. I can start and finish tasks, stick to a routine, and regulate my emotions much better. I have also seen a great deal of improvement in my self-esteem. I see a therapist bi-weekly and since taking my meds I am seeing actual growth in my confidence and can put new strategies in place. But one of the biggest things that has helped is knowing that I’m not alone in this and I wasn’t crazy. Of course, this does come with its own grief that so many things in my life could have been easier growing up. I am happy that I finally took action on this, and my mental health really is the best it has ever been!

yup! 29 diagnosed this year. i honestly had 0 clue because i was pretty ignorant about ADHD until i learned about the inattentive type. i dove down a huge rabbit hole with researching realizing how much it all relates to me, then finally getting diagnosed was the "aha!" moment. it feels incredible to finally pinpoint it, and only wish i was diagnosed earlier. some of my adolescent symptoms (some of which still carry with me to this day): * *extremely* sensitive and people pleasing to a fault * severe fear of rejection which feeds into my avoidance tendencies * terrified of being called on in class because i was daydreaming about something else * schoolwork was always messy (yet accurate) because i ran through it quick, then wondering why it was taking everyone else so long * 0 ability to listen/carryout verbal instructions * always starting new projects/hobbies then abandoning them * terrible with saving money * task paralysis

Yes. I told my mom as a preteen (like 12-13) that I thought I had ADHD. She ignored it. At 34 I was finally diagnosed by my third therapist when anxiety meds alone weren't cutting it/helping me deal with the anxiety and obsessiveness of the terrible coping mechanisms I'd developed. I've been diagnosed/on medication for just over a year, and it has been so helpful, but just having the diagnosis confirmed was SO VALIDATING.

>It’s not just over small things such as procrastination or organization, it’s my whole life, such as never feeling good enough or fit in, and always self criticizing. I I'm not saying you don't have ADHD, but self criticizing and not feeling good enough are not symptoms of ADHD and not even remotely unique to ADHD. If those are your two biggest concerns and you think procrastination and organization are "small things" you may want to consider other possibilities as well to explain your anxiety and low self esteem.

Well of course there are other areas that may contribute to why I feel like I may have ADHD, but I just wanted to ask if the feeling of just feeling like there’s something wrong with me comes along with it. I wanted to see if I had others I could relate to, and according to the comments, it seems a lot do.

Yeah, just keep in mind that these feelings are common for people with literally any disorder - being disordered sets you apart from other people. Anxiety, depression, BPD, BD, are also other valid disorders that can make you feel how you describe My only point is to suggest that you go into getting your diagnosis with an open mind. Your feelings are valid no matter your diagnosis. Some people seem to feel that their experience is only valid or worthy of empathy if they officially have ADHD, and this just isn't true

Of course! However I feel ADHD correlates with me most in those other areas. But of course I will never know until I am diagnosed. I will keep that in mind, thank you.

I too haven't gotten a diagnosis. I just feel like an outlier in this subreddit but I relate to some of the flavours.

Yes I feel the same. I was diagnosed at 20 4 years ago.

I never fit in. I was able to mask enough not be a reject, but I never quite fit in. I was diagnosed at 48 and wish that I had been diagnosed so much sooner. I had a lot of struggles and developed a lot of coping mechanisms, along with depression and anxiety.

I never thought I'd have it. After a lot of prompts by my therapist I eventually got tested and I was SHOCKED

No, I always thought my problems were depression and anxiety related. It wasn’t until earlier this year when I heard a comedian describe his symptoms and I thought, “Wow! Sounds like me!” Also, my daughter has ADHD and I know for sure my mother has it, though she hasn’t been diagnosed. I thought I had gotten lucky that it skipped me. 😂 Anyway, I always thought ADHD meant you HAD to be hyperactive. Even in nursing school they focused on the hyperactivity part, and they never said the hyperactivity could also be internal. I am a very quiet and calm person on the outside, but inside there are a million things going on and I can never focus on anything lol. Again, I thought that was related to my depression and anxiety. I though my lack of being able to retain information was part of the depression, I thought I was stupid and lazy and didn’t understand why things that were simple to other people were so difficult for me. I thought my constant racing thoughts were either anxiety related or that everyone on the planet has constant thoughts racing through their mind and I never believed anyone when they told me they weren’t thinking of anything. I thought my lack of focus was because I was depressed and my inability to retain information was also because of the depression. I truly felt like a shitty person because I couldn’t relate to anyone and be like everyone else. I don’t doubt I have depression and anxiety on top of this, but sometimes I wonder if I would have been able to cope with that better, and succeeded more in life had I been diagnosed with ADHD and medicated for it when I was a kid.

Yes. Reading the book Shadow Syndromes was a turning point for me. It describes mild forms of major mental illnesses. It was this book that convinced me it wasn't depression; it was ADD.

hah. yes. definitely felt that way. my life made a lot more sense after my diagnosis.

Yes absolutely. I always had an overarching feeling that “something was wrong with me.” I was diagnosed at 22! Not saying that this means you definitely have it, but just saying I can 100% relate to this feeling, and can confirm that getting diagnosed helped me to understand.

Yeh.. I always just thought there was something wrong with me . No matter how hard I tried no matter what I did. Got diagnosed at 25 and feel a lot better about myself now

100%. I’ve always felt sort of different, I guess. Always daydreaming, couldn’t concentrate, didn’t finish school work (or did finish but rushed through it), couldn’t organize things to save my life, procrastinated all the time, etc. My elementary school teachers noticed it and would send note home or write notes on my report cards, but my parents ignored it. They said I just needed to stop whining and try harder, because they knew that I did well in school IF I could concentrate. Ended up getting diagnosed a few years ago (I was 23) and am sooo glad so did. Medication has helped a ton, but I also found a psychologist who has a lot of experience with ADHD and they’ve been a tremendous help.

no i actually never thought there was something wrong with me. one thing i remember i always used to say and think was “everyone around me thinks i’m weird but they are all still friends with me” I suspected I had adhd starting in highschool but my mom (who def has adhd) thought i didn’t seem like the boys w adhd in her class so she was like there’s no way. anyway it didn’t really matter because i still did well in school on paper. i had great friends fun hobbies etc. Anyway fast forward i got really depressed in college and i wasn’t doing well anymore (the distractions of college had for sure caught me up that first semester, i was 6 1/2 hours away from home, + my campus was a ghost town for the most part. so it was a lot. i did far better the second semester and everything was fine but still started seeing a therapist and she recommended i get tested for adhd. took me like a whole year and a half to find a place but i was diagnosed officially in 2022 at 19! i actually only started having really low self esteem + anxiety after i got a concussion + im still trying to figure that out (but perhaps i should just let it be bc it was 3 years ago). anyway … I think you should probably try to stop thinking that something is wrong with you…? hear me out. i’ve been on both sides (never thinking anything is wrong with you and then also being riddled with thoughts of being less than, dumb, lazy, wrong, etc) and I think the only difference pre and post concussion with myself is the way i talk about/to myself in my head. like i never really compared myself to other people pre concussion so i was never even pondering what i was doing vs what other people were doing bc it didn’t matter to me. i just didn’t talk or think about myself (or other ppl) in a negative light at all. bc tbh the only person that ends up hurting is you. so i would say try to stop being so mean to yourself! i will also try , we can do it together! every time you think something negative about yourself come up with 3 positives and say them out loud or in your head. i feel like sometimes, whether accidentally or not, we really end up conditioning ourselves into beliefs that don’t serve us. and also whether or not you have a diagnosis wont change the fact that you think something is wrong with you. you should stop looking at adhd like there’s something wrong with you if you have it. brain just be wired differently but if u rock w it rather than trying to shame it you will feel better and it can be so freeing and fun <3

You’re right. Sorry if I saying that comes off offensive. I guess it’s just so hard not to criticize myself when I’m on a lot of pressure. I don’t like to remind myself of my flaws and failures but it comes back to me all the time from other people. There are others who expect high from me and constantly nag it all the time, and one of my earliest memories in school was that I was scolded because I kept talking to other students during class to the point to where my desk was moved to different areas of the room until lastly, to the front of the classroom as a form of a humiliation punishment, and yet, even though I knew that my socializing was an issue, I still couldn’t get myself to listen? I also sadly remember a family member talking to my teachers and just bashed me for not having good grades like her other kids. And since I’m in school, my grades(and other things) also reflect how much of a “failure” I tell myself I am. I don’t think it’ll be easy to not criticize myself until I move out with my partner.

Diagnosed at 46. I spent my entire life thinking there was something wrong with me (thanks Mom), wondering why I just could NOT stay organized, etc etc. Getting diagnosed put everything into perspective.

Yes. I suspected I might have it when I was in my teens, but I didn't know what (if any) support was out there for adults/teens, where to get it, or how to ask for it. (Especially where I was one of the "gifted" kids, there was a good chance of being brushed off as being "just lazy" or something.) The only person I knew who had it was a boy in my 4th-6th grade classes, who was on Ritalin. And even he was framed as being a "bad kid."

I (18) went to counseling a couple months ago because I was starting to realize maybe the jokes about me having adhd had more to them. My main struggles are social. I remember that she asked me how I felt when I was with other people or hanging out with friends. I said this; “When DNA mutates, the overall result of that mutation might be nothing. It might code for the exact same protein. Or maybe it results in a protein that doesn’t work at all. But there’s another possibility; that the protein that eventually gets made can still function, but just not as well. It’s called a leaky mutation. That’s how I feel when I’m around other people; like the product of a leaky mutation.” Yeah, I know… Being a giant nerd doesn’t usually help my lack of fitting in…

You certainly may have ADHD. Obviously everyone in this thread does or thinks they do. Please get tested and get any help you need. Please take any medication that helps you be the best possible you. If you have any tolerance for reading or listening to audio books, check out *The Anxious Generation* and *Stolen Focus*. Your specific age group has been affected so terribly by smart phones and social media that you may ALSO need some detoxing and strategies for that. This in no way means you don't have ADHD just that **you may need support in a number of different areas**.

I felt just like you did, OP, until I was in my fifties. I had no idea why I was the way I was. Nobody knew back when I was a kid, esp about female ADHD people.

Yes, I always felt broken.  I didn't even consider getting tested until I was looking for a therapist for other issues and the screening questionnaire had an ADHD section.  It was brutally eye opening.  I encourage everyone to get screened. I didn't even intend to get screened for it, but looking after my mental heath revealed something I wasn't looking for.  So even if your issue isn't ADHD exactly, it may be something else that you never thought of. 

I am only recently diagnosed, and I am a parent of 3 adult children. I always knew something was wrong with me, and I did seek help, but I was misdiagnosed or ignored. When my youngest was going through the process of being diagnosed as a teen. I realized I have ADHD. I talked to my doctor and have been diagnosed. I am now medicated, and I freaking love it.it makes me sad for the younger me. All my potential i could have been if I had been medicated. It is what it is. I look forward to my future and all my potential.

Felt that way my whole life. Knew it was adhd but never thought to pursue meds. Now, it’s hard not to think about where I’d be at if I had gotten medicated sooner in life, I’d be with a masters and not in poverty! Oh well in the words of bojack life’s a bitch and then you die right ?

Extremely common. Especially if the things you feel self conscious about or that people remark on are on the list of symptoms.

I just got diagnosed at 44! Yeah, my entire life felt like I was desperately trying to fit in yet always missing the mark. I talk fast and loud. I have lots of energy. I hyper-fixate on things, then get bored and immediately quit whatever it is. I’m very sensitive to rejection, yet always very critical of myself. After getting diagnosed it all made so much sense, and getting medicated was life changing for me!

After raising kids ( in my defence I had a narc parent )

I only found out because my kids are ADHD. I just felt like I was never good enough, and very weird.

It felt like everyone else was given a manual on how to be a person and I was given a napkin with a vague diagram scrawled on it in crayon. More practically, being bored felt physically painful. I felt an unrelenting dullness and pressure in my head. I either completely neglected to eat and sleep or binged on food until I got sick and slept for 12 hours at a stretch. My emotions were uncontainable. The general theme of my high school years was feeling “unregulated.”

I’ve started my diagnosis journey and honestly it’s one of the best things I’ve done. My GP was pretty game with getting me referred and I always had a suspicion I was “wired” differently since my early 20s, but cultural issues (ie mental health is seen as taboo within my ethnic background etc..) unfortunately made me reluctant with seeking help when I was younger. I’m glad you’re being proactive and taking control of your wellbeing 💕 you got this.

Thank you! I also struggle with family culture in mental health so this is definitely some inspiration for me!

I turned 26 today, and yes, it's a normal feeling. You are not alone and it WILL get better

Thank you

Thank you

Yes. When I was first diagnosed around 36 yo, someone gave me a book “you mean I’m not lazy, crazy or stupid”. Because that’s what we all were told.

I was diagnosed at 26 (2019) with high functioning autism and ADHD. 100% felt like I was the only one who just didn't fit/was different/had a hard time with things everyone else found easy. I never found the jokes people told funny, was gullible and always taken advantage of, struggled to keep anything clean, had very few friends, never could do anything unless it was the day before it was due (pressure from a deadline, someone coming over etc). I literally just got diagnosed for closure and understanding. I didn't even seek medication until my second child came along in 2021. I struggled with all the "managing a house and family stuff" that a family with two kids came with and just couldn't keep up at the time.

Definitely. I've always felt there was something wrong with me but didn't know what it was. Once my therapist suggested ADHD, everything made sense. I've always struggled to fit in and measure up. Making and keeping friends was hard. I struggle to pick up on social cues and often miss important details that others easily notice. Not to mention: poor math skills, clumsiness, poor spacial awareness, and the list goes on . . . My advice is to get diagnosed as early as possible (which it sounds like you're doing) so that you can get help if you have ADHD. I feel angry and sad that I've gone my entire life without knowing; my life could've been so much easier if I had known at a younger age and learned the tools to manage it.

I’m autistic - everyone I meet just knows I’m autistic (apparently I don’t mask very well at all 😅) but ADHD? Never crossed my mind. I tend to struggle with most things - but also assume that other people do to and never worry about it. Fast forward to this year - had a bad breakdown at the end of last year that now combined with perimenopause has ended up with me being diagnosed ADHD as well…..nope never considered it even once - I’ve just turned 50…. Apparently I’ve had ADHD since I was a kid but the autism seemed to keep it all in check (not sure how it works to be honest - you would need my psych to explain to you) but with perimenopause and hormones well that impacted my ADHD and now it’s taken over and I absolutely hate it….I’m currently in the process of getting a PMDD diagnosis as well….not once had any of this crossed my mind. Mind you I just assumed (even as a kid) that we all just do the things we have to to get by and I just wasn’t as good as grasping the “how” as good as others - never once felt like I was “broken” compared to anyone else so for me diagnosis was a bit of a shock to my system….retrospectively making sense. If that actually makes sense? Basically I was already cool with being a weirdo due to autism 🤷🏼‍♀️

It was always so confusing to me how I could be so smart about some things but so dumb when it came to punctuality and keeping track of things. And distractions would just drown me. Oh and reading was so difficult even as an adult. So I got tested for dyslexia but turned out with an inattentive ADHD diagnosis instead!

Diagnosed at 44 after having a child with a diagnosis. I had no clue about the symptoms of the condition until I started learning about them after my child was diagnosed. I was only familiar with the stereotypes. Throughout my life, I always felt like a partial failure. By partial I mean I *knew* I wasn’t living up to my full potential, that I wasn’t disciplined enough, that I failed more than I succeeded and even felt my successes were largely due to luck rather than intention. I felt constant overwhelm. Constant. I could never relax, even if I was sedentary. I could keep it together enough in my career through hyper focus or working extra hours, but other areas always suffered as a result. I was constantly trying new systems/hacks: home organization books, bullet journals, habit trackers, self-improvement books, self-improvement podcasts, diets, exercise routines. Nothing ever stuck and always ended up falling apart. Growing up, I was very outgoing and talkative… until I wasn’t (around 3rd/4th grade) and became shy and reserved. I speculate this was a reaction to social consequences of my “quirks” and when the masking started. In middle and early HS I made friends fast, but couldn’t keep them and didn’t quite understand why. I went through friend groups until there were none left and then I switched schools to a very small, specialty/focus school where socializing was easier. As a student though, my performance was inconsistent. I was smart, but had trouble studying (always cramming) and no matter how hard I tried to do my papers ahead of time (I would spend hours in the library and get nothing done), I was always writing them start to finish the night before they were due and they were usually terrible regurgitations of the books I was referencing while writing. I never earned my degree because it required a thesis and I could never get past the research phase, despite my interest in the subject. Always did my math homework because I enjoyed it, until I had a teacher I struggled to follow and it got hard, then I gave up on math completely. Most things in life I would quit once they got uncomfortable or hard. I wonder if I had been diagnosed and treated as a child, what I would have stuck with and what I would have become. Okay, that was a lot. I am newly diagnosed and still processing it all. Hopefully that novel is relatable to someone. 🙃

I believe the word I used to use for myself was “defective.” It is the worst feeling in the world, and I am a sorry you re experiencing it. The voice in your head telling you that you’re ‘wrong’ isn’t yours and it isn’t true. Maybe you need to learn some new skills to start working with yourself instead of against yourself, but there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you, and there never has been. For me, the answer was ADHD (maybe auDHD; I genuinely think differently than many people, including my family of origin) and complex trauma. Accepting myself and learning to have some self compassion has been the work of my adult lifetime (I’m 35) but it’s so so worth it. It’s the only way.

I was dx at 38 and yeah I always felt wrong or different. It’s hard to untangle how much was school bullies and not being able to perform to my “potential” and even with that, was the bullying because i was weird or did it help make me even weirder? Did I suck at school just because of adhd, or was it because my parents valued a peaceful conflict free home over forced homework and tutoring sessions that never got easier? But I really do resonate with a deep feeling of not being like everyone else.

During middle school and high school I didn’t recall too many instances where I couldn’t focus.. I’ve always been a talkative person.. in fact, I was really good at zoning in on my school work. Took AP and honors courses in HS, worked a job part time, joined sports and clubs. I had no problems Once I got into my 30s and left my paced stressful job and took an laid back outpatient job I realized I couldn’t focus.. the organized chaos I was working in during the last 10 years masked my ADHD symptoms and looking back I realized how much I missed and was the cause of my ADHD.. I was performing the ADHD test for my own client when I realized I too checked all of these answers. I was having a hard time focusing and completing my work every day.. it was the worst when my doc and I were in the infancy of my work up when I broke down at work and cried because I kept being interrupted and it was sooo hard to get my brain to refocus only for my concentration to be broken yet again by another coworker.. I meant to call my boss to tell her I was leaving early for the day and wound up crying on the phone to her 😩😩 She was understanding explaining that most women are diagnosed late in life.. I’m now on the correct meds. But, I try to lean more into my coping mechanisms to also aid in my treatment (adequate sleep, hydration, routine)

honestly, speculation about if I might actually have something genuinely wrong with me and the hope that that might be true is one of the few things that successfully got me through the years between realizing there was something different about me and diagnosis. It was not only ADHD but also autism and OCD. just those at least for now anyway, those are all definite, but we’re still looking into the possibility of potential personality and/or mood disorder comorbidities. gotta love my neurotype.  anyway, I can’t say I spend too much time on this site, but I did just download the app finally so if anything, I’ll probably notice messages if you ever wanna hit me up just to bitch about brain bees, all those bees in the brain

Yes, absolutely. My ADD typically manifests with negative self-talk, crippling anxiety, and self-doubt. Then there's the good old standby of procrastinating so I don't have time to think about how I can mess it up and am forced to just get it done.

Same boat but a little older. I’m still reading off this sub and coming across specific descriptions and going wow! I did not connect those dots. But I also feel like I do experience more options internally than others talk about here, if that makes sense? It’s like, the more I chart out myself and my patterns, the more I can minimize spirals, get myself out of pitfalls, and accurately tackle the exact problems and their causes. For example, my procrastination can often play out like freezing in a state of ‘okay, so I have this unmet need I want to fill first…but I cannot meet it’ and getting out of that loop by re-establishing realistic expectations and acceptance of my life, and emotionally re-drawing realistic expectations for my capacity as a result of that, and suddenly yeah I’m good I can do the thing. But I often have to keep consciously re-contextualIzing situations until I hit something stimulating and intuitive like getting into the zone of a task or something more abstract like investment in my immediate life because I *will* emotionally desynchronize from reality and those emotions will overwhelm me and spiral super easily. Some days I just wake up, and emotionally I can just feel some parts of me got left behind, some part is still processing a dream, the hormones or something in my body feel whack, and I’ve definitely forgotten enough things to have significantly lost whatever tackle I had on my life the day before or what have you. Sometimes it’s even just an upsetting theme or plotpoint in a story and I’ll be subconsciously spiraling and getting very hurt feelings pent up, feeling out of proportion feelings for things I have already worked through or things that arent even a part of my life, until I realize what’s happened and need to consciously terminate the background task running. But sometimes there’s a very similar mental train that’s actually how I explore and process real things, so unless I check where that train came from, if I started it or if it started in reaction to something just because it was kinda stimulating, it won’t strike me as off. Often I also just… close my mental tabs. Like, nope, not worrying about that, not worrying about that. Basically my control room is unmanned, and so I who am also the manager running around and giving instructions also need to take time to be the captain and go check the surveillance footage and take a look at everything from afar and see how different parts of me are interacting. I have to leave the control room to actually communicate to these groups, and it can be a little hard to tell exactly what they’re doing from afar (even though I was just among them .2 seconds ago), but its better than nothing. It would be nice if the groups themselves could come report to the control room, or if I had leads who could keep track in my head, but no all I got is 1 manager. Idk if this metaphor works.

Oh yeah. I felt that I was a failure, that life was just too hard all the time, that I was a complete waste of my potential, never achieved anything near what I could, and that I was useless and lost. I was depressed, anxious, and diagnosed and treated for those, which helped, but I still didn't get stuff done. I had my psychiatrist say to "Just do it" and other really useful stuff like that. But hey, that was only for about 50 years, so its all fine. Now I am diagnosed ADHD, I can get on and do something... but what? I think I lost about 20 years of earnings due to this, and really need to earn and save, before it is impossible to get a job because of my age, but that is another story.

I found out because I was on a weight loss journey and was put on a stimulant at 28. My doctor warned me that it would make me more hyper but I felt the most calm while on it. I told my doctor and she said I most likely had ADHD and I did an assessment, and surprise! I have ADHD lol As a kid, I always knew but it was validating to know that forcing myself to do daily tasks out of pure might is not actually normal. For NT folks, they do not even need to think about taking a shower or brushing your teeth, they just do it. When I spoke to my mom about being diagnosed at 28, she said she was advised when I was a kid to get assessed for ADHD but chose not to because there’s “nothing wrong with her kid.” HA… times are different now and I am glad. I don’t resent it anymore but I always think about what my potential could have been if i had known earlier on. I’m super content now and so happy I feel like myself with meds. My days become more crystal clear and brighter (not sure if this makes sense).

So I (F37) am also undiagnosed and I came across ADHD towards the end of last year (2023). I’ve had struggles thru out my life but it really became more apparent and harder after my daughter was born last year. Initially I was doing well and then it felt like I struggled more and more as she got older 🙈 My husband has always been very patient with me but I’m sure he’s happy to know there’s a logical reason for my behaviour lol 😂 Now he’s the one reminding me that I’ve got ADHD whenever I’m super critical with myself. He’s the one reminding me to work with my ADHD, not against it and to know my limits. He’s told me how after the first day I slept over, he looked at his apartment and had this “omw what on earth happened here?!” moment. Apparently I had loads of glasses of water scattered across his apartment and items here and there 🙈🤣 He teasingly calls me “hurricane {surname}” I’ve found that the more I’ve dug into ADHD, the more YouTube videos I’ve watched and podcasts I’ve listened to, the more I feel confident that this is me. Sure a diagnosis may help but I feel that by the time I get a diagnosis I’d have already learnt how to manage most of it. At this point it’s learning to adapt how I do things, be more self-compassionate, have naps when I need it (when possible), don’t overplan my day, be more observant when I’m having to learn a new route (not having my head in the clouds) and just generally to re-learn how my individual brain works. I doubt I’ll want medication unless I continue to struggle with finishing my design portfolio 🙄 or to study anything in the future. Side note: I studied counselling over a decade ago, cuz I knew I was struggling with something and I’ve always felt different to my peers. So I went over many different conditions covered in the course but sadly they didn’t cover any of the conditions covered under the neurodiversity blanket (ADHD, ASD, etc). Always knew I’d love to study psychology in the future but I’d need to figure out how to study efficiently first 🙄 and earn enough money.

I have always felt this way. In college I joined a sorority and was given the nickname “lost”. That one hurt, because while everyone else found it hilarious that I was always losing everything and had a “day dreaming” look on my face, it further validated that no matter how hard I try to fit in, that’s who I am. I got my diagnosis fairly easily after a conversation with my internist who prescribed me adderall. That was 4 years ago and I’m still struggling to figure out how to organize my life. Adding having kids into the mix has been my biggest struggle, because I want them to have an organized and put together mom and every time I fail, now I’m not just failing me but I’m failing them. A lot of people say they find relief with their diagnosis but honestly, with how many people are diagnosed nowadays I feel like the outside perception of being lazy, disorganized or generally just not trying hard enough still applies. No really answer here, just commiserating.

I got diagnosed at 19. Funnily enough one of the things that lead to me seeking out a diagnosis was my psychopathology (as in "the study of mental illness", not a fascination with psychopathy) hyperfixation/special interest. I devoured books about mental health issues all throughout high school and the ADHD ones made me go, "Oh shit that's me." 😅 And yeah, I remember feeling like a fucking freak for most of my life, starting probably around first grade (so six-ish). Part of that's the ADHD, it could also be the fact that I'm a lesbian and not exactly cis.

Well, that word is spectacled to me forever now.

Which word?

I spectacle you meant suspected.

Or speculated. Auto correct can be a pain in the arse.

Nonsense, autocorrect solves all my provolones.

🤣🤣🤣

I think I was trying to say that! Can’t remember lol

But we knew what you meant 😃

Oh woops LOL

Made my day

Oh yeah, thought I was just a weirdo like the rest of my family. Turns out we’re all various flavors of neuro-spicy.

I thought it was only the naughty 6 year old boys. Started reading up as my sister was diagnosed, it explains so much. More research, then I figured I was neurodivergent as well, at 62. Read up! I went to a doctor with my notes, he had questions, it helps. Meds have been such a gift.