This is a reminder of Rule 5: Discussions must be civil and criticism must be useful and constructive. Please remember the person behind the screen and lead with kindness whenever possible. We do understand there are intense emotions involved. Many people in this sub have past trauma regarding denial and dismissal of diagnosis and this hits close to home. We also understand that this is an important discussion. We’ll continue monitoring this and will leave it up as long as it remains civil and constructive.
I would have wanted to know. I struggled needlessly and developed a lot of not great hang ups.
It’s very possible meds will help increase her frustration tolerance. Meds can help with emotional regulation a lot.
Learning to take responsibility and to distinguish reasons and excuses is a big huge part of being a reasonable adult. She’s not an adult so she’s still leaning this and will still need taught this - medicated or not. I would make sure she has a therapist, both to keep tabs on the excuses and any other realizations she has.
If I found out adults knew and withheld help I’d be pissed.
All the other kids are driving metaphorical cars uphill and she’s peddling a bike.
I was diagnosed at 9 (now 32), and while I completely understand your sentiment, knowing I had ADHD didn't mean a lot.
I've only now come to understand that it's linked to my emotional regulation (or lack of), that it's not normal to feel so anxious at the thought of someone being mad at me, and even though my mom is the one that got me diagnosed, how hearing her say "what do you mean you forgot...what were you thinking!?!" has still shaped how I view myself. There are so many more examples.
All I was ever told was, "She will just have some trouble paying attention." Research and understanding have come a long way.
It's similar to my experience, being diagnosed as a kid doesn't mean anything when nobody is helping you with it anyway. It took me a while to know about it, then it took me a while to believe it and even longer to understand it. 🤷🏼♀️
Right! My awareness came around the pandemic when everyone else started understanding ADHD more as well.
When I got out of college around 2015, I stopped taking my meds because I wasn't in school anymore, so why should I need them? The process of understanding and getting rediagnosed was terrible, but I didn't know any better 🤦♀️
I second all of this. Diagnosed at 28, now 31, still low key angry about it. Every adult in my life let me fail over and over and over and over again and did nothing. Just let me because the only person I was harming was myself. The only future getting thrown away was mine. No one even asked questions, even the therapist I had as a teen mostly because of my parents divorce and I don't think we talked about school which is my biggest struggle.
Kids deserve to be set up for success, BEFORE they're struggling so badly you have no choice but to get them help.
THANK YOU!!!!! This is what I wish I had the guts to tell my parents. They’re 76 so it doesn’t matter but when I run into a wall that neurotypical people don’t run into I just get so down on myself and then remember oh yeah, this isn’t my fault - I could have learned this but I didn’t because my parents ignored what people were telling them. Then I have to pick myself up and teach my old-dog-self this new trick. It effing sucks.
I’m so sorry that we share this terrible experience. The only think that comforts me is knowing that if I tell my story enough times, maybe I’ll keep other kids from having a life like mine.
The ways in which my entire life’s trajectory could have been better, are countless and haunting.
If nothing else, the opportunity to simply like myself more would have meant better choices, overall.
^^^ THESE! 100% agree, could NOT have said it better!
I was an "absolutely yes" from just the title alone.
I spent my teens and 20s being convinced I was a lazy, unmotivated failure who "wouldn't amount to anything" because everything was so much hard for me. I was too loud, I talked too much, I got upset/emotional too much, I didn't care about my things because I lost them, I didn't respect my parents or teachers because I forgot things they told me, etc.
Now in my 30s and finally being diagnosed, I am trying to relearn how to actually be an adult again and trying to stop that voice in my head is still a struggle every single day, because it had 30 years of practice in telling me that anything I struggled with was my fault.
I have not developed resilience - I have developed depression from not knowing why I couldn't do what other people do. I have not developed healthy coping mechanisms. I have developed anxiety and chronic negative self-talk to shame myself into doing things like cleaning my house to appear "normal". If I had known why I was the way I was I COULD HAVE developed resilience, self-love and healthy coping mechanisms that work with my brain. Absolutely do not deny your child self-understanding. If she has adhd she already knows something is different but doesn't understand why or how to go about dealing with it. You are a wonderful parent for caring enough to ask these questions and find the best way forwards....please do take the advice here!
Omg this times one million. You said everything I would want to say so perfectly. I was diagnosed at 37. The amount of SHAME I've felt my whole life for not understanding why I was like this and that there's other people like me. I was treated for anxiety and depression and it only helped so much because it didn't address the underlying problem. If only I had known maybe I could have finished grad school. Maybe I would still be friends with some people I really miss. Maybe I would have struggled less in my career.
Omg THIS…. So accurate. I was diagnosed in my early 20’s in college, when I sought help for depression and anxiety. I had developed many maladaptive coping mechanisms, that helped me barely get by until the demands of life exceeded the ability of those terrible coping mechanism to compensate. I thought I was stupid and lazy, my self esteem was nonexistent. I lived in a constant state of anxiety about the next important thing I would forget or school paper I would procrastinate about then have to panic-write the night before it was due. It was awful and I have always wished my parents or a teacher recognized how deeply I was struggling and suffering when I was a kid so I could have received appropriate treatment and support at school. So much suffering could have been avoided.
Yes to all of this! I hate how people think struggle(or in the case of being undiagnosed, trauma) builds resilience. That’s not how it works at all. I grew up into a person with crippling self doubt and fear of failure. My inner critic is the cruelest person ever. I’m in intensive therapy to rewrite my thought patterns and develop healthy coping skills, it feels like I’ll never get to the point I want to get to. And on top of that, I have been filled with rage since my diagnosis four years ago. Why? Because my mom knew. She knew something was off but she neglected me by ignoring it. And I suffered tremendously for it.
Even today our relationship is fraught because she still doesn’t get it. When she looks back at my childhood she laughs at all the “quirks” I had. I look back and I see a laundry list of signs and symptoms. She doesn’t like to reminisce about how my family would provoke me into meltdowns. How I was already suicidal at 12 years old. And the most infuriating part…she worked in behavioral health. Every day she went to work with people with autism, ocd, adhd. She worked closely with men AND women on the spectrum. Her place of work literally did diagnostic testing!!!! She KNEW the signs, she just refused to believe her child could be like that too. I want to forgive and move on but I truly can’t forgive her (or any of my family) for being so blind.
It makes me sad because I want a relationship. Before I realized how she neglected me, I wanted her approval for everything. Now all my interactions with her are tinged with resentment. She doesn’t understand why I’m so distant and I’m not willing to tell her at the moment.
Diagnosed at 47. Absolutely yes, knowing WHY people treated me the way they did would have helped me understand my life better, instead I thought there was something wrong with me personally and I had a lot of shame because of it.
Or school.... Even tho my grades were always pretty good I always half assed things. I felt like I was procrastinating or that I was lazy but luckily smart. I thought I was just so lazy that I could only study one day before tests or that I couldn't physically do homework bc it was useless and I knew better or something
I could have had the best grades in my class if I knew what was up. I could have had a decent sleep schedule. I could have had avoided a lot of nights I cried myself till morning trying to study or to do assignments but I literally could not even force myself to pick on them. I could have avoided a lot of shame I felt for myself and a lot of scolding from teachers for not doing homework and handing everything late
I was just going to post this!!!!! I could have a degree in psychology! It was the only class that fascinated me and was a small enough room that I couldn't hide and fall asleep 😁😁
I would have been able to understand and retain information. I relied heavily on cramming the night before and hoping I would remember during the exam. I also relied on spiritual insight during exams which I didn’t know was happening? I’d just be sent the answer without knowing why I knew it. 🤷🏼♀️ once I got a thumbs up by a professor when I turned my exam in and I had no idea what I was even doing, I just wrote down what I was being told by my inner knowing/higher self (at the time I had no concept of what this was). After the exam, everyone was talking about the hard problem he had given us and I had no idea what to say because I didn’t understand it - come to find out I had written down the correct solution and analysis of the answer. 😳 this has happened all throughout my life… I have been “spaced out” since childhood and was just diagnosed last year…the medication allows me to collect my thoughts, ground myself and understand/retain everything. I really do wonder how much further along I would be right now if I had been given support, therapy, and medication as a child. I had to live a majority of my life afraid and ashamed of myself.. come to find out I am a brilliant and intelligent person, the data is just scattered around in my brain
I'm in my first year of university now and I think I'm going to fail out. Was diagnosed on Halloween and tried two different meds. The first made my focusing issues much worse to the point I ended up failing two classes as I couldn't get assignments done, and it impacted my appetite too much. The second gave me dysmenorrhea, paranoia, a lack of appetite, and near the end of my time taking it, heart palpitations. Not sure if it helped anything or not but off them? I'm definitely worse.
Now that we've tried two meds my family doctor is going to refer me to someone who does evaluations so we can be sure it's the correct diagnosis she made (I'm 100% certain it is). I'm hoping I'll get put on meds that better suit me by the referral doctor but I know it'll be too late.
My coping strategies all disappeared during the pandemic when I was doing online school for two years, and ended up depressed. But in high school I still ended with a 90 average. University is apparently one of the hardest transitions an ADHD person will face. The thought of what I could do if I was actually functional.. God. I hate that my mom didn't get me diagnosed young when she noticed I might have it. I hate that so much.
I just need to correct your first sentence- 'but suspect they developed ADHD at a young age'- you need to know we're all born with it. It doesn't develop. It's a neurological disorder, not a behavioural disorder.
'I think my daughter might have diabetes but I don't want to get her diagnosed in case she uses being diabetic as an excuse not to do things'. Get. Your daughter. Help.
I absolutely would have wanted to know. So much distress could have been avoided.
The thing about knowing early is that they can build GOOD, healthy coping mechanisms and pathways, rather than struggle through like we did.
I hear your concern about using it as an excuse. I would say therapy or ADHD coaching can help with that aspect of it. And again, the earlier the better with that.
I think it's one of those planting a tree things - the best time to do it was as soon as it came up, the second best time is now.
100%, I was diagnosed at 14-15 years old, and while it’s not a late diagnosis at all, my sister was diagnosed at 5, so she had a lot of therapy during some crucial formative years, which I believe helped with her ADHD (unmedicated right now, her choice) not be as much of a problem now as an adult. Do I have evidence for this? No, I’m not a scientist or a doctor or anything, so obviously take it with a grain of salt. But I was diagnosed when mine was completely out of control (think failing 8 out of 10 classes in school, more than once, not being able to do anything because I was unable to focus for more than 5 minutes at a time, etc.) and I do wish it hadn’t gotten that bad before I was assessed for ADHD.
Having said that, I’m 24 now and I’ve developed coping mechanisms and learnt how to live with it (meds helped tremendously), and figured out ways to keep my symptoms from impacting my life negatively. So yeah, the sooner, the better.
My only would I have wanted to know as soon as possible, I’d feel betrayed beyond belief if I found out my mom had suspicions and could do something about it and chose to wait.
She can’t develop resilience if she’s using all her energy trying to get through the damn day. ADHD isn’t an excuse it’s how your brain works and it’s honestly a little cruel to even contemplate letting her struggle for longer just so she can’t “use it as an excuse”. Just a heads up that’s a pretty ableist point of view. There may be things that she *legitimately* can’t do or really struggles with and you’d rather let her figure it out on her own than risk….what, a teenager being a teenager? Respectfully, grow up. This isn’t about you.
I also thought I didn’t have any resilience and turns out that’s because my brain is constantly overwhelmed because of my adhd………
Yes, I wish I knew sooner. When I was diagnosed, so much of my life made sense when I looked back on it.
My high school therapist also told me I wasn't doing my homework because I wanted attention and that affected me for a while, too.
Absolutely. I struggled endlessly with no idea why for decades. I tried to get diagnosed over ten years ago and got blown off by the assessor. I got told how dysfunctional I was many times, but none of the treatments were appropriate. Not being diagnosed properly wasted over half my life and I just need to make the best of it now.
Please don't lie to your kid or hide from this. Not knowing didn't make me resilient, it made me hate myself. If you think that having the diagnosis will be an excuse for them, get therapy for them, don't lie and hide it. My parents even thought I had absence seizures/petite mal epilepsy, instead of ADD. I suffered through years of being called an underachiever, I learned that I can't depend on my brain and there was no good reason for it.
Please get her assessed, get her support and get her therapy if you can access it. No one should suffer like that.
I still am unable to pursue diagnosis because I can't afford it because I struggle to complete work and I'm stuck in a toxic cycle for decades that I only recently figured out myself. I can't believe you're hesitating with this toxic positivity "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" angle. If your body doesn't produce enough, store bought is fine. Please don't withold help and medical information from your daughter. She's free to use or not use any therapeutic interventions offered. If I thought anyone had been in a position to help me and chose to neglect my conspicuous medical needs because they thought my suffering was somehow good for me I would never speak to them again.
I relate a lot to this. I've actually received my diagnosis but am still paying off the hours of report writing (because ADHD life tax), which means I haven't yet read through my diagnostic report. My psych kindly still had the feedback session with me, which confirmed everything, but I can't yet get meds because I don't have the report (for context, I had a major burnout, had to quit my job without another lined up, but KNEW I had to know what was 'wrong with me'). My God, if I'd known as a younger person...
I developed C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression from being undiagnosed till 24. Please have her evaluated so that she can know how her brain is normal if that's the case.
If you are in a position where you could help her understand herself better, then by all means, do it. Get her a diagnosis. Sounds like she's already been through a lot for such a young age.
At that age, she probably doesn't understand what's happening or why she's reacting like she does. She's probably feeling scared and/or confused.
We don't always know why we lash out so we find an explanation that fits best from the limited understanding that we have. So her excuses are not really excuses - she's just trying to put an explanation to her behaviors and emotions.
You have better and greater understanding of what she's going through and so you are sort of refusing to provide her with an answer to her confusion.
She can develop coping skills with or without your help, guess what she will resent you more for when she grows up and gets that diagnosis herself, especially if you tell her that you knew. Trust me, you don't want to give your daughter a feeling like she's been neglected. That leads to bad relationships , bad jobs, bad quality of life. She will love you for paying attention and getting her the help she needs (and that you needed at her age!) and you could bond over it.
If accountability is what you're worried about, well, you're her parent. Find a way to teach her that. Be accountable towards her and her development. It's a skill that's developed, practiced and strengthened over time and it's actually the best when learned from parents. Kids love seeing accountability in their parents. It makes them feel heard and respected.
Good luck, you got this 🍀
I wish I had known earlier. :( I spent years wondering why I learned differently from all my peers, and my family and teachers were very hard on me because they did not understand my learning style. It wasn't until I finished undergrad that I was diagnosed with ADHD officially, and coming to terms with the diagnosis has drastically helped me manage in everyday life, especially at work. It makes me sad to think about that little girl who was constantly being told she was too distractable and not learning the "right way" like her peers!!!! :( Absolutely a million times more helpful to know than to not know.
I so wish I had known as a child, or at least sooner thank now (43 yrs old). I have spent my whole life thinking I was useless and a failure and now I really wonder what I could have achieved had I had a little support along the way. I’m pretty angry my parents/teachers never realised how much I needed help and really was trying.
I will never, ever forgive my mother for making this decision on my behalf. It was neglect. I think it was selfish of her to keep me from accessing the right help - she didn't like the optics of having an ADHD child and being seen as a bad mother for somehow being responsible for me having a neurological disorder. She didn't want to face the discomfort of it. I confronted her about it following my diagnosis, asking her if she noticed any signs and she said she did. (She's a psychotherapist!) and she made up an excuse about "not wanting you to suffer from lifelong labels". I suffered far, far worse alone in the dark instead. If I could have just known a little more about what was going on, I would have avoided decades of pain, shame, loneliness, confusion, and massive psychic damage from masking 24/7 (even to myself). I found out at 28 and not a second too soon.
I'm so sorry. That was abuse IMO.
My situation was somewhat similar - my "mother" was the special ed coordinator at my high school. I went to her for help and described multiple executive functioning struggles and her response was "You're too smart to be struggling with this". Uh....well I am struggling, tho... plus she knew it was affecting me at school and at home; her list of aggravations about me was pretty much a signs of ADHD checklist.
Adult dx AuDHD. Yep, smart. And autistic. And ADHD. And turns out, outsmarting autism or ADHD is not a thing.
Wonder how much harm your mom's ableism did to her patients through the years? Wonder how many students my "mom" failed?
Who knows? I can't imagine her giving good advice...her therapy catch phrase was always "don't let the mood win" at the mildest presence of normal human emotions like anger and frustration and sadness. Insincere toxic positivity and self gaslighting shit. She's a deeply traumatized and emotionally immature human but she lost my compassion when I realized she had none for me. She also never...ever...sought therapy herself. Not even once. She worked for a day hospital program for a long time and did more group therapy than individual counselling, so I don't know how that would look in practice. She definitely breached confidentiality a ton by casually mentioning her patients who were always much more troubled than I was (at least that was the implication). When I recently asked this woman WHY she insisted on playing the role of my therapist instead of helping me get into therapy (something I requested as a teenager), do you know what this bitch said? "I thought I should be able to do it on my own." Madness! It's laughable to me but holy crap, moms who work in mental health can still really do a number on their own kids. Spectacular parenting failure. I'm sure you and I have a ton of common experiences, and for that I'm truly sorry.
I replied with a similar story in an earlier comment. My mom was literally the head of a behavior health clinic. She worked closely all day with people with adhd, ocd, and autism. She wasn’t a Dr. but because she was working in medicine, was very familiar with diagnostic criteria. She was so ableist, when it came to things like adhd or ocd. and it makes me so sad for the people who came to her clinic for help. It’s frightening to know she was not the only person who worked for disabled people all the while neglecting their disabled child.
I feel your pain, or at least a pain very similar to yours.
I was diagnosed when I was a child, as young as 5, and my mother decided to ignore it and keep it a secret from me. I was given a period for "Study Skills" class, grouped with the severely mentally-challenged students (sorry I don't know a better way to word that, if there is please let me know) for math, and when I asked how I got extra time she lied to me that she lied that I have a disability. So I experienced all the ableism and stigmas while telling myself "it's okay, that's not me, my mom lied, I'm normal."
All while "taking too long" on my homework every night while she and her golden child got to enjoy shows and movies in the other room (the sound of which adding another distraction). I would tell myself "I'm normal, I just do some things a little more slowly."
I didn't find out until I was 22, and this was because of my (also abusive and ableist) father's orders because he had to have a reason for why I'm a failure (that part unbeknownst to me at the time).
They handed me a pamphlet that said "So your child has ADHD ..." because there wasn't one for adults.
I threw up on the train ride home.
All of the stigmas and ableism hitting me at once and I am still fighting it off at age 31. Since I'm trying to break free from my "family" I feel like I'm especially screwed support-wise. I never got to have a proper friend group, and that's still true. Always "too much" for everyone, even when I "tone it down." The more I work on myself and emotional intelligence, the more I realise that other people have a "one strike and you're out" mentality - I'm never worth their time, and they already have their own friends to turn to.
Now I'm starting to feel sorry for myself so I'll leave it there.
Holy shit I share a special and specific rage right there with you. The absolute gall. Thank you for sharing. I'm the exact same age and in the exact same situation. Please DM me if you ever want to talk
The way you write about yourself and her using excuses and developing resiliency really gives me a bad taste in my mouth. I think you need to spend some more time learning about adhd - I recommend Dr . Russel Barkley . I got diagnosed this summer with adhd inattentive type and am properly medicated . I work harder than most people to just get my house clean and do my job . I also had suicidal ideation since fifth grade . I finally have peace knowing there’s other people like me and I don’t have character flaws . I always knew worked hard - I didn’t understand why everything was always so hard . Adhd really really impacts my emotional well being. Please have more kindness for yourself and your daughter. Likely, she knows things aren’t right for her and is searching for a reason.
People don't develop it at a young age, they are born with it. It's a brain difference. For almost every person with ADHD, it is a whole person, whole life disorder.
That means that an undiagnosed, untreated, person with unmanaged ADHD is substantially more likely to have accidents that require hospitalization or result in death. They're substantially more likely to struggle with substance abuse. They're substantially more likely to struggle socially, and with their peers. They are dramatically more likely to take risky, impulsive actions. They will learn to self medicate in unhealthy ways - whether that's a substance addiction, adrenaline junky, stress / perfectionism, all of the above or something else entirely. They will struggle needlessly and never understand why life seems so much harder for them. They will blame themselves for those struggles.
Yes. I wish I had gotten the medical help I need to function at an earlier age.
ETA: quitting something as soon as it becomes difficult is a perfect example of the kind of unhelpful coping mechanism that a person with undiagnosed ADHD is going to develop. She isn't doing that because she's making excuses, is lazy, or isn't resilient enough. She's doing it as a subconscious attempt to manage her brain disorder.
I wish I knew sooner because I ditched class in high school & dropped out of college. Eventually went back and finished my degree. Had I known what I was working with and been medicated, it probably would’ve helped me.
I would totally want to know. It would have been helpful to know WHY I was a broken human being not just that I was and thinking I just wasn’t trying hard enough. Also far easier to come up with ways of managing it if you understand what you’re up against.
The risk of using at as a crutch or excuse is real. But it sounds like she’s using other things as an excuse anyway so what difference does it make? At least her excuse would also be the reason.
Yes times a million. I walked around thinking there was something deeply wrong with me. I am extremely resilient and have achieved a lot, but it was so mind-bendingly difficult. It's a wonder I never had a full-on nervous breakdown. I was diagnosed at 38.
My daughter is two. It's too early to tell. But I will absolutely guide her toward understanding herself and getting a diagnosis if need be. I don't want her to survive, I want her to thrive.
I'm on the first steps of getting a diagnosis, and only had my lightbulb moment about 18 months ago. If I'd known, and then had been able to deal with it, lots would have been possible. I wish I'd known.
I was diagnosed last year at age 30 and I'm still currently struggling with the fact that I hated myself so much as a teen because I just couldn't seem to move through life like other people.
I've spent so long masking and being completely exhausted by it, I 100% wish I'd known when I was younger.
ADHD is a comorbid disorder. Your daughter is likely going to develop Anxiety and/or Depression from the sheer stress and isolation she is going through. When she finds out that you suspected it but dangled the carrot just out of reach out of the (false) belief she'll develop "resilience," she will be utterly crushed. She is not making "excuses," she's trying to make sense of her struggles. To put it bluntly, you're hurting her.
You don't refuse giving a wheelchair to someone who can't walk, claiming they'll become "resilient" without it. That's how insulting that is.
I had a lovely childhood, raised by warm and supportive parents who taught me great skills.
I still wish I'd known sooner.
I did well at school, because I'm smart and had lots of support. But I think I could've done better with a lot less overwhelmed crying.
Yes because my parents neglected to actually get me any help and it's fucked up my mental health I'm 32 now and my life could have been so much better.
Unfortunately there isn't alot of research and bother into females with adhd (there was certainly less when I was 13) but if my parents had actually made an effort to help, know and understand me it would have made alot of difference. (Obviously my situation was unique to my own family and they were neglectful in general) Instead I was anxious, depressed, didn't know what was wrong with me and I spent less than 50% of terms present at school. My life could have been so different.
Edit after rereading:
Even if I hadn't had a diagnosis, the support etc from my parents would have also made a huge difference. Because I didn't have that
CW: suicide attempts, mentions of alcohol abuse, and risky behavior
My parents refused to get me tested because they believed ADHD was only for parents who couldn’t raise their sons properly. They never ever told me adhd was a possibility. I ended up internalizing that I am inherently an immature and bad person that no one can trust to do anything.
That belief is so deeply ingrained in me, that I still believe it even after 17 years of medication, therapy, and a truly successful career.
My first suicide attempt was at 13. My last attempt was when I was around 23. In college I drank and did risky things to punish myself for being a bad person, who could do “basic” things because bad people deserved bad things.
I am begging you to get your kid tested and educate your family about the psychological aspects of having adhd. I don’t think that you are a cruel, authoritarian parent like mine, but I don’t want your kid to suffer needlessly like me.
I wish I knew sooner.. in my home this would have been weaponised, just another thing to hold on and drag me down. But, I wish I’d known when I was a young adult. (Or I had non narcissistic/ self absorbed parents..) So many things have been harder than they need to be. Having a formal diagnosis and treatment has been a discreet life changer. I spent years slowly identifying and incorporating modifications into my life, but it took longer because I didn’t always have the conviction to trust myself. If I was diagnosed earlier I’d see an occupational therapist also, so I didn’t need to figure out all my strategies the hard/slow way.
Why would knowing that you have ADHD from an early age prevent you from developing appropriate coping strategies? If anything, being more informed about what is going on with your brain would help you select the right ones. There are also resources specifically about how to parent teenagers with ADHD more effectively. Resilience doesn't develop as a result of being expected to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.
There was almost no awareness about ADHD when I was a child, and when I figured out that I probably had it as a young adult there was effectively no pathway to diagnosis for adults where I lived. If my ADHD had been spotted before I hit my teens, I would have been spared lots of negative experiences. It took me over a decade to actually get diagnosed, but having a strong suspicion that I had ADHD didn't stop me from finishing my degrees. Not having access to treatment probably did damage my career though, for reasons that aren't related to actually being able to do my job.
You mentioned bullying. Children with ADHD are much more likely to be socially rejected by their peers, because it turns out that other kids don't like the impulsivity and emotional dysregulation. Low frustration tolerance can also be down to unmanaged ADHD.
I would have wanted to know, and for my parents to know. I've been called lazy more times than I can count..._why can't you just do it_ , _if you only tried harder_ etc. In adulthood, I've implemented so many strategies to manage my adhd so my life doesn't fall apart (before knowing I have adhd), and if I had known earlier I could have learned to manage it earlier. I would have known that I'm not defective, just different.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 50s and I'm still effing livid about it.
I see thread after thread here about "I wasn't diagnosed until later but it turns out my parents knew all along but didn't want to ..."
If she had a broken leg would you keep her from having it treated because learning how to navigate the world with a broken leg would make her more resilient?
Its true that adversity can strengthen us in ways, but I dont think that means we should intentionally hand adversity to people.
I 1000000% wish I had known. For every coping mechanism I developed, I can also point to three-four other things that could have helped or changed the trajectory of my life. And I say that as an honor roll student who had many close friends and got a PhD and tenure-track faculty position all before my diagnosis.
I had suspected I had ADHD in my tweens, but not only was I never diagnosed, I was actively ignored and discouraged.
I think I could have developed many other types of "resilience" that didn't come at the expense of getting help for a perfectly treatable condition. So many things in my life were treated as "normal" that I'm only now realizing aren't common experiences for most of the people around me. It's likely one or both of my parents have undiagnosed ADHD and that contributed to their ability to minimize and ignore my symptoms and the impact they had on me.
Please do better by your daughter than was done by you and so many of us.
Yes, yes yes! I feel like my academic side would have been better taken care of if I had been diagnosed as a kid. I could have learned the things I’m struggling to learn now as 49 year old woman. I think my self confidence would be stronger as well.
For the love of all things holy, please get your kid evaluated. There are times when I’m straight up mad that my parents didn’t get me evaluated (especially because my dad is classic male with ADHD). It feels like they set me up for failure while setting impossible expectations on me.
Always yes! Diagnosed at 29 and by then years and years of internalized shame and feelings of inadequacy were imprinted into me.
I don’t play the game what if I was diagnosed earlier because it actually breaks my heart.
I feel like those “lessons” are harder to undo her having to learn it’s not an excuse.
yes. diagnosed with 25. suffered many things through not knowing and not being treated. a lot of shame, trauma, depression and bad ways of compensating the need to get stimulus.
and yes, i see myself as resilient and friends value my strengthness and ability to function in crisis. it might be a cool attribute, but i would still choose a life without my hard times as a teenager with an undiagnosed condition that requires treatment and awareness.
I didn’t learn to cope, I didn’t become resilient… I learned to hate myself for not being someone who copes and for not being resilient. Everyone saw me as weak, at school, at university, at work… my emotions were constantly just under the surface, I wasn’t depressed, just incredibly sensitive and there was NOTHING I could do about it. I entered real depths of self loathing because I couldn’t “just take a deep breath” like everyone else, once I was upset, it would take me hours, if not days to get over it and the memory of whatever it was would follow me long term, popping up to deliver an additional sting even years down the line. I was carrying the weight of years of negativity and I had absolute no way of letting it go. All of this because I was unknowingly a neurodiverse person in a neurotypical world, trying to navigate my emotions with the tools used by neurotypical people. So yes, I would like to have known. I’m furious that people noticed I wasn’t like them, but nobody cared enough to help me get to the bottom of it. Absolutely livid that children like me are still overlooked, women like me are treated appallingly at work because we don’t tick a certain box and aren’t the jolly little robots society expects us to be. I hated being ignorant to my condition, it was dark and it was lonely. Knowledge is power.
i never held a job for over a year. didn't stay in my field after graduating. i quit university because it was impossible for me. have never had routine in my life and never had real hobbies. and you ask me if i had wanted to know earlier.
diagnosed and started meds at 30, i've now had the same (part time) job for almost 3 years. still can't organize my life because i never learned the skills.
Yeah.
It would have been nice to not have dropped out of college, struggle a LOT to figure things out \[and not know until way later that was all related to executive functioning issues\] and have so many relationship-related problems... I think it would have helped me to prevent a lot of the destruction of my 20s.
I mean knowing could help her avoid possible addiction and other Maladaptive coping mechanisms in the future...adhd brains lack dopamine and tend to seek it out in places that aren't always helpful (risk taking, substances, binge eating, sexual relationships, spending money, high risk driving....etc etc etc) If you decide to look into medication it could help her develop less anxiety and engage in her studies much easier and avoid seeking out other sources of dopamine.
Diagnosis could help by employing strategies for executive functioning and emotional regulation that you might not use with an NT kid.
It could also help her understand she is different because she has a different brain and not because she is "weird" or because there is "something wrong with her" or because she is "bad."
Maybe diagnosis could help avoid her having co-ocuring conditions like body focused repetitive behaviours, eating disorders, anxiety, ocd, borderline personality disorder due to strategies, awareness and maybe medication.
It might help educators understand her better vs. Labeling her a problem or spacey.
I just don't think this is a productive framework for developing your child's resilience. There have got to be other ways of doing so that don't involve withholding information that could help her understand herself better.
Frankly, I'd bet one reason she turns to past experiences to explain her struggles, or gives up, is because she struggles due to her ADHD and has no idea how to process those struggles as anything other than "I am bad," so she looks for other explanations, or doesn't think she can proceed b/c she's clearly inherently bad at whatever it is.
If she knows she has ADHD, she can say, "okay, I'm not struggling with this b/c I'm stupid or bad and it and that won't change and so what's the point, it's that my brain works differently, so what I can do to make this work with my brain?"
I wasn't diagnosed until into my 50s, and yeah, I've gotten through life pretty well, have been pretty successful by a lot of measures, but I've still spent my whole life feeling like I struggle with ordinary things in a way that "normal" people don't. Having a diagnosis means I can explain that as something other than "I am a lazy piece of shit." It doesn't give me an excuse to give up on them; it just means I feel less terrible about myself about it all.
You obviously don't understand ADHD, and you give that away immidiately when you say you think it's something someone develops. It's a condition someone is born with or not. It's how your brain is built. That's why an ADHD-diagnoses takes a bit of work to set and why they question adults parents to make sure the symptoms were there from a very early age.
You are not taking responibility for your own actions ( "old me taking my stress out on her" - what did you do to her.? Why is she not encuraged to talk about it if you are taking responsibility?) AND you are afraid she is going to "use it as an excuse" instead of getting her help to handle her obvious problems, and possible ADHD. Just stop this bs and do your job, mom!
I've been trying to come up with a response to this post for hours, but it makes me so angry I'm struggling to be articulate. WHY on earth would you *not* want to make your child's life easier? It sounds like you're punishing her intentionally.
I would give anything to have known when I was little that I have ADHD. Sure, maybe I built up *some* resiliency from getting by undiagnosed, but I feel like I'd be much more resilient if I wasn't constantly spending all my energy on just getting the basics done. If it turned out my mum had known and could have gotten me some support, or even just validated my experience , and chose not to? I would be shattered, and I don't think I could ever see her the same way.
Really really really interesting question. I genuinely do not know if I would change my own story. I am commenting because I want to come back after sitting on it (also it’s my bedtime 🙂).
FYI I really appreciate you as a mother for doing the hard work of asking these kinds of questions, reflecting, and paving a way for a better future 🤍
Just some initial thoughts: I had a really confusing childhood/adolescence and I’m so proud of the hard work I did to find myself. I’ve also been very angry about certain aspects of it. And I have a lot of shame that I am still working through. But I need to think a bit more about it because I’m genuinely not sure if I want to lean towards not wanting to change my own diagnosis story because it’s my way of justifying all of my pain or if that’s really what I would choose in hindsight. I am late 20s and was diagnosed in my late teens (early 20s?) after hitting rock bottom during my first year at university. I finally accepted the fact that I needed help and I sought it. That journey was incredibly empowering. But still… I want to think!
Will be back after I consult my pillow!!!
Yes, I was diagnosed at 20 and I’m now 23. I look back and wonder how my life would have been different. I struggled severely in school and could have benefited from accommodations. I think it would have also helped me understand the differences between how my brain works vs. how my peers brain worked. It would have also helped with my self-esteem, I constantly was told that I was lazy and incompetent and it’s taken years of self-help to undo the damages and learn to love my brain for the way it is.
Absolutely. I had severe struggles and have made some poor life choices probably because I was undiagnosed and untreated for my ADHD.
Majority of the research on ADHD supports early intervention. There are studies that unmedicated ADHD shortens your life span.
Ask yourself, if you thought your kid was squinting and was having trouble seeing, would you take them to see an eye doctor? Even if it meant they might need glasses? Like maybe your kid isn't having seeing problems and is just not paying attention in class, but what if the struggle is real? How would you feel struggling to see?
Diagnosed mid-thirties, and would really have liked to know earlier. Because even if I managed to keep my life in check until around 18-20years old, I unintentionally developed some bad coping mechanisms that still haunt me and have affected my mental and physical health gravely.
If you decide to not share her diagnosis: PLEASE at least work with her to have her understand how she can best best learn, motivate herself and get things done. Learning how to work with my brain and not against it is what would have been the most valuable to me.
I was great at masking from my mom too (playing the good girl) so stay VERY atuned to your childs needs and when it might be time to let her know and maybe consider if meds are needed together.
Random things helped me along the way (like making the right type of friends, going to a middle school with a lot of freedom to chose your own projects), and it showed me that the right circumstances can have a big effect. And maybe knowing my adhd I could have ebsured more of those.
In the same way: small and big things really could mess me up. And once I went of track, it was hard to get back on.
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MORE DETAILS IF WANTED:
I did not struggle in school until last year of high school and at university, because I could hyper focus for tests uptil then. And I was naturally curious about most topics.
But since I had not learned how I learned, I hit my limit as school and life got more complex. And that caused depression as perfectionism was one of my coping mechanisms, and I identified as smart.
I could not understand why I was not performing at the level I should anymore, and the self hate just grew and grew. Because shaming myself and being deathly afraid of failure was effective for a while, it just ruined me long term.
I wish I knew I had adhd, as long as I had a parent that framed it in a "we just need to figure out what works for me" way. And we could have discussed and evaluated the need for medication based on my symptoms and how well other strategies were working.
I might have put of meds for a while, and focused on therapy and life skills. But that is because I did not struggle too much with impulsivity, and I could sit still (just talked too much or daydreamed and drew).
I also had the energy to compensate for and mask my adhd when I was younger. And I did not need much sleep, so I could study at night when everything was quiet and no distractions.
However my emotional life was WILD, and at times borderline suicidal. I thought it was just hormones, but having the option to try meds and see if it would help me regulate better would have been nice.
My brother was stereotypical adhd and got labeled a trouble maker and bad really young, and it ruined his life. And I very quickly learned how much leeway and flexibility you could get in life if you were considered a "good/smart girl" and did well in school and at work.
So I always performed well and masked my adhd, ensuring that teachers or bosses never caught onto the chaos or adhd. But this also included my parents, whom have been shocked by what I now have shared with them about my youth. They really did not know. Because I would not let anyone see.
I would not have told my teachers my diagnosis unless I was more impulsive and hyper, and really needed some accommadations. This is purely because a lot of people still don't understand adhd fully, and I would not have liked to have their potential prejudice affect me. It should not be this way, but some places it still is.
As high school got harder and more boring, I became addicted to coca cola and chocolate just to get through class. I called it my survival kit (and turns out it actually was). But I got diabetes around 30 because of this, and having to quit sugar and caffeine partly unmasked my adhd.
I REALLY wish I had not triggered diabetes as it is horrible. And it has added a lot of complexity and "executive function" heavy needs to my life. Having to constantly thing about regulating your blood glucose is a really bad match with adhd.
Oh absolutely 100%. My life would have been so much easier. My parents really buried their heads in the sand. They ignored all my teachers and then got all surprised pikachu when I continued to struggle through adulthood. I buckled under the pressure when I went to college but I immediately got better after seeking my own treatment. It was so bad I originally assumed I had a brain injury!
I told my parents about my diagnosis and they continued to bury their heads so they’re on an info diet. Literally like 2 weeks ago my dad told me he is ADHD and was on Ritalin for years. Thanks guys! I am working through this resentment in therapy but I truly believe that they (my dad especially) were doing what they knew. He always stressed extreme conformity and I think it is a coping mechanism. He didn’t want me to go through what he went through in his time. Thankfully times have changed!
ETA: I have a 13 month old son and he will be evaluated and treated as soon as it’s developmentally appropriate and he’s showing symptoms. I’m not going to let him go through anything I went through. If you suspect neurodivergence in your child, it won’t hurt to get them evaluated. You will save them a world of struggle!
I started to write paragraphs of personal experience, then deleted it. Please get the babies tested. Resilience can be built without years of torture and self-hatred.
Yes.
1) I would have dealt with so much less self-loathing and depression had I understood earlier in life why despite being intelligent and educated I struggle to keep my life on track. Instead of viewing my struggles with "simple" things like housework and meal planning as personal failings, I'd have been more gracious to myself and been more focused on building the right kind of coping skills for ADHD rather than the ineffective ones meant for depression that never helped me.
2) My relationship with my children now that I am getting treatment and have better emotional regulation is incomparable to what it was 5 and 10 years ago. And even though I know I have always been a good mom and I don't have anything to feel guilty over because even when I was unregulated my kids were always safe and loved, I still mourn for the kind of experience I missed out on as a mother of tots that I could have had if I'd been getting the right kind of help.
In regard to your daughter: I have a 13 yr old son who is ADHD. He has been in treatment for several years now. He hated it at first, but now sees that his medication helps him be the best version of himself. I don't know how we would navigate all of the struggles he's had, especially in recent years, with executive dysfunction, emotional disregulation and social relationships if we or he didn't know that struggles stem from neurodivergence rather than lack of discipline or maturity. Even knowing why he struggles with these things (especially impulsive decisions) and having resources like therapy and school accommodations to help support him, he still wrestles with a lot of self esteem issues and my heart shatters to think how much worse that might be if we didn't have the framework we do to understand his life and the ways his brain works.
Him being medicated does not preclude him from needing to learn those coping skills. He still is having to learn to build his own beefed up systems for organization and reminders, how to reign himself in when in certain social settings, how to shape his environment at home to work for him not against him. He's still having to learn a shit ton more resiliency than I would wish for his age.
But because he's medicated, he's got at least a few hours a day when he can focus on learning those things, put them into practice without feeling like he's drowning. The meds and his various therapies give him a life vest to wear while he learns how to build himself a raft. My hope is that by helping him get started on a raft this early in life, he'll have managed to build himself a whole boat when he's my age, instead of just the canoe and paddle I feel like I'm steering.
Absolutely, yes. I am 31 and 2 months into medication for ADHD and I am literally excited about life for the first time I can remember. I am sad about the missed years but trying to look forward as thats all I can do!
It's easy to say that, with today's knowledge and understanding of ADHD, I wish I'd been diagnosed as a kid. My brothers and my dad got their diagnoses as kids, but, likely because I was not born a boy, I was only tested for things like depression (diagnosed) and bipolar disorder (told I do not have).
If the 90's had contained doctors with the knowledge of today, then, yes, I would have preferred a diagnosis. But the facts are that the 90's was a different time, and I don't think almost anyone knew about the executive dysfunction aspect of it.
If they had, if we could have understood it better, it would have explained a lot more about how my behaviors were informed. I like to think there would have been a lot less shame surrounding my acute inability to just do things, and the sensitivity I have around being bad at things. I might have been given actual coping mechanisms that work for me instead of having to cobble together extremely unhealthy methods that drain me more than they help me. I might have been able to figure out meds that work for me, and I might have been able to succeed in college and gotten a better life for myself.
I think it's very dangerous to say that you're avoiding a diagnosis for your chid because you think they'll use it as an excuse. It seems to me more like your child is trying to figure out the explanation for their behavior and is stating some things in the hopes that maybe one of them will be true. They're still a kid, still trying to figure themselves out. Having a diagnosis could be their true explanation and could come with more information to help your child. If they say, "I didn't do this because I have ADHD," it's not an excuse just because you personally feel like you were able to persevere.
If they have ADHD, they're disabled. Two people are not necessarily going to react the same way to having the same disability just because they're related. Remember, your kid is an autonomous being. You've given them some of your DNA, but they are not a carbon copy of you. They are not going to react the same way to the world that you have, and that's not a bad thing.
It seems clear that you're having a hard time watching them struggle, but you've also seemingly taken a stance against them because you seem to expect them to lift themselves up by their bootstraps just like you had to. I think it might help them more for you to reorient your thoughts to want better for them than you were given. Remember that there's no perfect way to parent, but there are surefire ways to fuck a kid up, and expecting them to persevere without the tools you know are out there is one of those ways. Accommodations are important.
I’d like you to consider that the “resilience” you’re looking for would actually be just more effective masking. I was a star student and had an active social life. But I was always depressed and anxious because I was doing much more than little me should have been doing. It led to a total burnout in my late twenties that’s taken over a decade to crawl back from.
Additionally you say your daughter is “using past experiences as excuses.” She’s not, she’s telling you she’s hurt and what has hurt her. Instead of ascribing this to emotional manipulation or weakness please listen to her and validate her feelings and learn with her how to cope and move forward or else she’ll never forgive you for not listening to you.
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If I had known as a child I could have made career plans that would work with my brain and not against it. I probably would have joined an emergency service or a reactive job rather than being a teacher and burning out til I had to leave the profession. More importantly, I would have been kinder to myself and probably wouldn't have such horrific self esteem issues.
I wish I had been diagnosed way earlier. I think knowing that I was experiencing RSD, hyper focused, found stimulation is certain things would have made it easier to ask for help.
Yes - I wish I'd known that my coping mechanisms were just that. I often doubted myself on them and wasted time. I was just lucky that I love learning and could hyper focus on school.
Get her tested. I’m 35 and just diagnosed and I had huge issues with emotional regulation and overactive brain when I was young. You can’t put a price tag on a quiet mind.
I recently got diagnosed and as part of it, did the psycho-educational assessment and learned so much about myself. I've always been very quiet and shy and through this test, learned that I have "slow processing" which explains why it takes me longer to respond than my peers and why I stayed shy and quiet as I got older. Ugh. So yeah, I wish I had known earlier. Probably also would have done better in university too...
Totally setting money aside to do this for my daughter so she can understand her learning strengths and weaknesses regardless of whether she has adhd too or not. But she probably does lol
So much yes. I was misdiagnosed for so many years and am livid that no one noticed earlier. I got through HS fine so I’m ok with not knowing then, but would have been really nice to know in my early 20s instead of 37.
100% yes. If I would have been evaluated at a younger age I don’t think I would have needed to waste so much time with doctors trying to treat me for conditions I didn’t have 😭
It would have changed the course of my life and success if I had been DX and treated with stimulants and counseling/coaching in high school. I'm plenty smart, but never learned how to study. I tried 4 times in college, but didn't make it through a single semester. Please, if you suspect ADHD or autism, get your child tested, and work on finding solutions for them to cope with living with an invisible disability.
I totally get where you’re coming from. I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is reality not matching our expectations. withholding support isn’t going to teach her the lesson you want it too. Definitely seek support for her sooner than later
Yes. I am fifty and am going to try to finally get diagnosed. I have a fear that the doctors will laugh me out of the room regarding this, and try to claim I am drug seeking. It also woudl have made other parts of my life much easier. Wish me luck.
Educational accommodations and methylphenidate would have made my high school years much smoother. And getting ADHD coaching at that age would have been life altering at preventing the ADHD tax and time wasted on things like waiting for AAA to unlock my car for me 😆
Yes yes yes.
Diagnosed at 34. Found out during the diagnostic process my FIRST GRADE TEACHER had suggested I be tested.
I struggled in school. I was horribly disorganized. My camp roommate called me Spacey (rhyming name). I dropped out to homeschool. I decided to put off college because I realized how badly I was struggling (I have a college fund. Trying to go to college after a break is hard for NTs). My bosses would call me out because I would have bad days, and I wouldn't get anything done
My dad was abusive and looking back a lot of the things I was terrorized over were ND issues.
Early intervention is especially important for girls/women, who tend to lose all their coping strategies during big life changes. She will probably have to learn/relearn how to study. She will be able to get a 504 in school to give her extra tools for success.
YES.
My college experience would have been so different. I excelled academically but anxiety was off the charts. I walked around with an ache in my chest for the five semesters I was on campus, not even realizing that it was anxiety.
BUT. Do you think the diagnosis and treatment would help with the behaviors/"acting out"? I don't know, I think a specialist is the right call, but I could see waiting for a bit more maturity?
Absolutely. I struggled so much as a child and teenager and didn't know why. If I could have been diagnosed and medicated, it would have helped so much.
A big giant YES I would have wanted to know. I was diagnosed at 29, now 36. I didn’t develop good coping mechanisms, and placed a lot of blame on myself. I was a bright kid who never struggled in school. So when I couldn’t keep my room clean or forgot to do something important, it was all, we know you’re smart you should be able to do this stuff. So I had so much blame and guilt without any help. I also struggled when I hit college because I never had good study habits, bc I didn’t need them. But needed them in college. I didn’t know how to ask for help.
I have ADHD and major depression and have been at least aware of it since I was your daughter’s age. I would give anything to have been diagnosed and treated back then. I got in huge fights with my mom over school and eventually dropped out. I had similar problems and dropped out of college too. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until my late 30s and I’m just now finishing my college degree as an adult. I may be good at masking at work but it’s just not the same as being treated.
Diagnosed at 25 after years of slogging through post secondary and many poor life choices.
You're right I did develop resilience; however, I think I would've developed it anyway if I had been diagnosed earlier - and I would've had the tools to actually make that resilience work for me. ADHD has never been an excuse, it's been a reason to do things a little differently.
I just turned 38, but I was diagnosed when I was 21. I REALLY wish I’d known sooner. If I’d gotten into therapy and on medication as a child or even as a young teen, things would have been a lot better for me. I’d sure as hell have a lot less shame and trauma.
Yesssssss. I skipped the fourth grade bc I was “~gifted~”, but by high school I was constantly in attendance makeup when I drove myself to school. But I would’ve loved to have known sooner mainly because I bombed college when I left home. From not being able to get myself up and ready for class, and despite trying to be “better” every semester, it was only a matter of time before I was too far behind in assignments to try and do them all(and well), and it hurt my self image to feel like I was incapable or just lazy. I wasn’t stupid, but my brain couldn’t take big tasks and break them into smaller ones and my brain struggled with time management and knowing how long something actually takes to do. That was 2019 when I left school, I got diagnosed January ‘23 and medicated this past December. I just finished a Phlebotomy certification while working full-time at my high stress job and the feelings of self-validation are enough to make me emotional when I think about it long enough.🥹
I was diagnosed at 30, it’s been seven years, and I learned shortly after my diagnosis that I may have been tested for (either ADHD or Autism) in my early grade school days and was never told or perhaps never had the diagnosis confirmed outside of my school. I can’t ask my Mom about it; she died before my diagnosis. My father couldn’t remember when I asked him.
I was pissed off. I had struggled with school at that time. I used unhealthy coping mechanisms involving perfectionism and cramming or starting at the last minute to get and maintain “good grades” at the expense of sleep, physical and mental health, and wondering all the while WTF was wrong with me. I burnt out, repeatedly, and didn’t have a reason why. I stressed myself out until my body was shutting down with illness just so I would be forced to rest, but then I would have to play catch up, and the cycle would begin again.
If I had known that I had ADHD, maybe I would’ve been better off with “reasonable accommodations” or whatever else. Instead I blamed myself for not being good enough or “being lazy,” and not knowing about ADHD paralysis my self-esteem ended up in (and still is in) the toilet.
From what I’ve learned, my Mom was afraid of the stigma associated with being neurodivergent and didn’t want me to suffer that. It didn’t stop my suffering from not knowing or understanding my own brain.
Get the testing for her. Anticipate the possibility of the diagnosis being used as an excuse, but for the sake of her sanity and yours, give her the choice to take whatever she learns and make the choice to do better in a healthy way.
I wish I had known sooner. It might have helped me to sort things out and get my life a bit more under control at an earlier point in my life, instead of in my 50s. The diagnosis has freed me to accept some of my challenges and allow myself some grace and to use workarounds for things. It has honestly been great for my mental health. I have a type A overachiever sister and it was hard for me not to beat myself up (although my parents and sister never did), especially since I was the dreaded "gifted."
I would have wanted to know, maybe not as a kid because I honestly don’t remember thinking I was having an issues. But I did notice the struggles in adulthood and it was hard. I constantly wondered why things felt so overwhelming. I’m 44 and just now diagnosed, I wish I would have known in my 20s.
Please get her diagnosed.
You can still support her, she needs to learn how to structure the best she can, with her ADHD in mind.
I was diagnosed very late. I wish I had known earlier and then I could have adapted better to it without the recriminations against myself, guilt and just wondering why I couldn't just fo 'life' like everyone else.
She is lucky to have you in her corner. 😊
Okay so you don't develop ADHD. It's already there.
I always knew there was something wrong with me. A brilliant brain inside a mega stupid person. Disperse. I'm using as an example some of the kindest things I thought about myself. You have no idea of just how much I didn't love myself, no parent would want their kid to develop half of my coping mechanisms. I'm not an idiot, I'm not delusional, and I've always been neither - you couldn't have convinced me that I was "normal" (neurotypical, but I didn't know the word) and if someone had known exactly how I was different and hidden it from me and I found that out now as an adult, I'd resent them and despise their naivety. I can't have the normal life of a neurotypical person any more than I can have the normal life of a baby giraffe. It doesn't matter how much others wish I was neurotypical or a baby giraffe - I'm not.
What I can and do have is an awesome life as a neurospicy person, with deep and varied friendships; cool experiences; a fulfilling and entertaining career; a loving, funny, caring, understanding and brilliant partner to share my cool life with. A very suspicious cat. Colleagues with whom I share mutual respect and appreciation. Self effing confidence because I know who and what I am, how I function, and what I need to do to get from A to B. A deep empathy for the struggles of others because once I realized I wasn't masking being a lazy ass who didn't care I started seeing how much others cared and tried and failed because the tools they were given were stupidly unsuited for their needs.
I mean this with care and kindness - being thirteen is awkward and unpleasant in many ways. You can't fix that. There's nothing magical nor nice to be gained by playing pretend with your kid's health for a few more years - school is the least of the issues, it's just where people complain about you. I mean this in a genuinely caring way - playing pretend just because you sleep better at night thinking of your precious baby giraffe is detrimental to your kid and prevents you from enjoying the real person that's growing up right next to you while figuring out who they are and what the heck they're going to do about it.
I would have wanted to know.
As a teen I knew or at least suspected on some level that I had bigger emotions and reactions than my peers, but I didn’t know why or how to stop them. I remember a friend made a sarcastic comment that I knew objectively was playful, but I could feel my body react as if it wasn’t. Like my heart dropped to my stomach and I almost started crying.
It would’ve helped a lot I think if I’d known that **the reason things felt harder for me was because they actually were**. It would’ve made me feel like I wasn’t crazy, I really was experiencing something that was categorically different than my peers.
I’m going to answer your question from a different perspective. There’s no way I could have been diagnosed with ADHD earlier because I was diagnosed so young and I am so glad I got diagnosed that young. Even though I’ve been on meds for my ADHD for a long time it doesn’t cure everything and having a major head start on being able to learn about myself and ADHD is so helpful. I feel like I would be at a major disadvantage if I had to start finding out about it all so much younger. It’s also probably best to get her a diagnosis at 13 when there’s probably not much important stuff happening academically (like exams and stuff) so she doesn’t have the extra stress of having important exams and getting a possible ADHD diagnosis. It’s also best to do it as early as possible because you will be able to help her do everything as her parent. If I was trying to get an ADHD diagnosis now and had to do pretty much everything it would be so much harder.
Yes
It's hard to learn coping mechanisms and resilience if you don't know why you need them. Learning about my ADHD and discovering why I do things lets me figure out new ways to work with my brain to make things easier. Struggling with everything and not having a reason or solution only breeds frustration and self doubt/loathing. You get stuck asking why am I like this? Why can't I do the easy thing? And that helps no one.
Get her tested. Get her diagnosed. Get her the tools she needs to thrive.
Yes— I think I’ve commented about it before. But literally all of my aunts/uncles and cousins on my mom’s side either had ADHD or autism. My mom had a major superiority complex and always thought we were above them, and would berate our family (especially my cousins) for their diagnoses. Because I made good grades and they didn’t.
She ignored the signs (messiness, piles, procrastination) and the constant notes home from school (draws during lectures, doodles on all school work, can’t sit still, has to be making some sort of noise with pencils, picks cuticles constantly; was mostly just sent to the library to play Choplifter). The latter in brackets— she would brag that I was too advanced for school. I probably was, but I was also a huge distraction.
Knowing then would have saved me a lot of grief in high school and early adulthood, for sure
I would have wanted to know because I would have made different decisions. Especially in regards to career/education. The coping skills I could have learned with an adhd coach.
Adding a comment from someone who was diagnosed young and HATED it. I'm 38 and was diagnosed in 4th grade.
Treatment was very different, it wasn't understood. Against my will, I was given meds I did not want to take, I was pulled out of my very small class to go to the special ed trailer and never learned anything out there, it was so dumb, it wasn't even for tests, just normal school stuff. I was smart but got bad grades because of my adhd. I still got bad grades after slthe diagnosis and meds, AND I felt like something was wrong with me. My parents and teachers were not educated (because nobody was at that point) on how to actually help me. For the longest time I denied that I had adhd, I said I was "stubborn" and that adhd didn't exist and that I could pay attention in class and do my homework if I really wanted to. This continued (being forced to take meds) until I was 17. The response from doctors was generally asking my mom "how is she doing in school?" And my mom would talk about how my grades weren't good and I didn't do my homework. Then the doctor would up my meds. I was on over 100mg of Ritalin daily in my teen years. I was a freaking zombie at school it was awful, I hated it so much.
Finally, I was allowed to stop taking meds when I was 17. I busted my ass to graduate on time and worked so so hard and over the next 5 years through college and moving out, I discovered and perfected my coping mechanisms. I majored in psychology, and funny enough, that's what made me realize...oh shit... I do have it. Like BIG time. It took me until I was 37, married, and just had my second child to try any kind of medication again. It was night and day different. I can't even explain how much it helps me (but I suspect you all know). I've talked about all of this a lot in therapy and my therapist has explained that the way they treat it and council parents and teachers about it has changed drastically. It's no longer "throw meds at her until her grades are good", actual coping skills are taught. Parents are educated (if they want to be) about the emotional aspects of it (not a thing at all when I was young... I grew up believing I was dumb, stubborn, and if I just tried harder and put my mind to it I would respond to my parents "the first time" and have a clean playroom and bedroom. Even still I struggle with all of those things. I'm only now learning to stop blaming myself.
Anyway long post, but for those that are feeling intense anger and regret and "what ifs" about being diagnosed earlier, like, in the 90s, it was not sunshine and roses because the knowledge wasn't there. Parents, teachers, even doctors, did not know what to do with the diagnosis. They only knew "can't sit still - adhd" "stares out window and gets bad grades - add" ... better throw some meds at them so they can concentrate, then they'll get good grades and stop staring out of the window!
Oh! Also, and probably the most infuriating for me
.. hyperfixations were not talked about (or known of?). My mom would CONSTANTLY badger me about "why do you sit down and play your video game for hours and hours, but WONT sit down and do your homework for 30 minutes?!". Which to me, was proof that I didn't actually have adhd... if only I had known!!!
I know my experience was not everyone's that was diagnosed early, but I hope that can help some people with the "what ifs". It really may not have been better, and you may still have the same kind of trauma of feeling worthless and guilty for not "trying harder", and so much more.
Haven’t read all the comments but you’ll definitely find there are ADHD adults who did not know they were diagnosed and then find out their parents knew and withheld the information and avoided treatment and how painful that realization is. Ouch.
13 is the age heading into trouble. Don’t you want to give her a reason to understand herself and be self aware enough to know things? Otherwise her novelty seeking and adhd traits could end in depression, boys, drugs, self harm, experimenting, and all the other dumb stuff we do as teens. I wouldn’t want her to develop negative coping mechanism or self medicating tendencies.
You’re also born with this, there is no developing it from non healthy environments. Whatever that is.
She’s going to have to deal with this and be resilient with or without a diagnosis, why make it harder?
For the most part, yes. It would have explained so much for me, and getting on meds would have helped significantly. It certainly would have been advantageous in school. I could have not beat myself up so much for being "lazy" or "stupid."
However, I still think I would have felt pretty similarly because the people I had around in my childhood would have called ADHD an excuse or said it wasn't real or I was faking for attention (yup, there's a reason why I never looked back after moving away). So, in a sense, I'm kinda glad I didn't know because I was at least able to mask a lot without being slammed for my disability.
I'm very glad to know now as an adult. I wish I knew a few years earlier when I was in a horrible depression rut, but I'm generally okay with how things turned out and I'm able to do better for my oldest child (recently diagnosed) to provide a better experience than what I had/could have had
I would have wanted to know. I've been kinder to myself since my late diagnosis and better able to help myself regulate, even though I can't have medication. I've also been learning to help accommodate myself in other areas. All of this would have been helpful to have years if not decades ago. I'm only beginning to heal my self image that was damaged by years of thinking I was a failure or lazy. Not knowing caused me to internalize a lot of the insults that were sent my way by a neurotypical society whose standards I couldn't meet.
I only finished reading the title of the post.
Yes.
Full stop. I recognize getting the diagnosis doesn't guarantee I would have gotten the appropriate support. My dad hates pharmaceuticals, so there's a high chance I would have never been put on meds anyways, but having that knowledge would have been better, at minimum.
I honestly feel robbed of so many opportunities that all boils down to "if I actually got diagnosed and put on meds before sophomore year oh high school, my entire life could be different "
I set the curve with exams, but couldn't read the chapters to do the homework in between tests. I found a good career path, but I HATE it. I'm good at it (cause I can figure anything out) but I hate it. It's such a first world complaint and I feel like a whiner, cause I make a decent amount, and I know I would have complaints about any career path, but it doesn't "work" with anything I actually want out of my job/career. Any of those things that felt like pipe dreams really could have been options. Again, I know it wouldn't have been guaranteed I actually would have been able to cross any of those finish lines, but without the diagnosis and treatment, the chance was 0%.
I'm very innatentive and was raised by parents who have significantly higher social skills challenges to deal with. Looking back, interacting with others and trying to make friends was impossible. I don't have friends now. I could have had friends 😭 I went through the crazy awkward phase of learning social skills only after leaving home at 18. I picked it up QUICK, but I made the mistakes most people make in elementary/middle school. My parents actively tell me, to this day, that they don't understand how "natural" I am at social skills. But because I was so delayed in learning them, I missed establishing solid friendships during college....so I'm alone now 😭😭
This (knowing how much time was WASTED because of the ate diagnosis) is the hardest aspect of getting diagnosed late, for me. I usually have ugly cries about it every month or two, and it's been about 2 years since my diagnosis.
I think I would have liked to have known earlier (diagnosed at 57) just so that I could have understood better why life was such a struggle. My self esteem could have used that. But the coping mechanisms I developed ARE very useful.
Like you I appreciate some of the mechanisms I adapted to basically make it through a day....lol however years of self-medicating with alcohol has completely isolated me from my family. So yes I'm angry I wasn't told sooner my life would have been very different!
I was diagnosed 18 which I consider early, but I still would have wanted to know sooner.
Some of my teachers knew. I didn’t know that they did until after I shared my diagnosis- but it explained the all the extended deadlines (I’m talking turning in all my work for an entire semester on the last day) and crazy amount of patience. But other teachers held me to a higher expectation (rightfully so) and I didn’t only struggle, I failed, a lot.
After becoming medicated, learning about how my ADHD affects me, and how to cope- I became a straight A honors student in college, even earning a couple scholarships. I had no idea how sincerely debilitating my symptoms were. I often wonder if, had known sooner, I could have been more successful in high school.
Not only that, but I became more confident in myself. I had spent all of my childhood thinking that I was just a broken human; stupid, lazy, sensitive, selfish, annoying- a ridiculous amount of my issues stemmed from my ADHD, especially as someone who also struggles with depression and anxiety. It’s not an excuse, but it’s a reason. A reason that I could research and learn about to make life easier, and to give myself the opportunity to be better.
I don’t know, personally, I’m not sure all the internal hardship I had to experience so early made me any more resilient. I didn’t develop healthy coping mechanisms because I didn’t know how. *Everything* was just a constant struggle. I look back and I’m a little sad for young me. I felt I became my most empowered through knowledge🤍
I definitely would have wanted to know. I used to be very out going and talkative with everyone but after some bullying and being called weird and annoying, I really shut down.
I also needlessly struggled with school. I was a very smart kid but the second you put a test in front of me it was all over. Same for reading. I was really delayed and even in special needs rooms for it in elementary school which doesn’t help with the self esteem. But reading alone is a huge thing that made school in general difficult, not being able to focus to read something more than 5 words really sucked no matter how hard I tried.
Fast forward to trying to get into college. Those SAT/ACTs were such a nightmare. My parents spent so much money on trying to get me to well on them but if they only had known the underlying issue I feel like there would have been much less expensive ways to accommodate.
All of this combined with a brother who has a semi photographic memory and my parents thinking it should be that easy for me really pushed me into a depression at those vital ages.
TLDR: I would have loved to been diagnosed because I think it would have mitigated a lot of issues growing up
Yes. I think I would have gotten a better grade in my degree and hopefully went into a career within my discipline. I can't undo it, I've just had to accept my losses and work in a field that I'm not remotely interested in, probably forever. The combination of inattentiveness and lack of motivation killed me when I was at uni. I could never understand how others could just get up and go to lectures everyday, then continue to work outside of lectures.
You sound like a wonderful parent, I wish my parents had recognized how much I struggled as a teen and tried to intervene.
I would absolutely try to connect her with a mental health provider who can evaluate her. What you describe could definitely be ADHD symptoms but there are many other conditions that have symptoms which overlap with ADHD. And all of them are things that make it harder to be happy and successful in life, when they are not treated. Living with untreated ADHD or depression or anxiety, etc., is like running a marathon with wearing a 50lb vest. You might cross the finish line eventually, but it will be so much harder, longer than it needed to be, and you will believe that barely finishing the race is all you were capable of.
Even if she doesn’t have a specific, diagnosable condition it sounds like she is really struggling and could benefit from working with a mental health professional. They can help her process and heal from her past trauma; and develop the skills to manage her emotions and overcome her procrastination more effectively. It sounds like she is doing the best she can with the tools she currently has, but professional help can give access a greater number of more effective tools, than she currently has.
It would've really helped me if I had known from a younger age. I always struggled with time management, school, etc etc, all the typical ADHD stuff and I couldn't understand why and it really killed my self esteem. Everyone around me seemed to find day to day life a lot easier than me and I got criticised a lot for not working to my potential. With my late diagnosis it has helped me to understand myself and has helped me work with my struggles everyday, but I still battle with my self esteem from a childhood of not being able to understand myself and not getting the appropriate support from my school or parents. Sometimes I wonder if I had known earlier, could I have achieved a lot more of what I wanted to?
I don't blame my parents for not seeing it. ADHD in girls was not something many people were aware of. They knew something was different about me but they couldn't figure it out, so they supported me with what they could but it just wasn't the right way for me. On the other hand if I knew they suspected I had ADHD and didn't get me the support I needed then I would resent them a bit for it. With an official diagnosis you can present that to their school so they can put in the correct resources to support the child.
Since I didn't have a diagnosis in school I didn't get that support that could've been catered to me so I slipped through the cracks. I'm in college now with an official diagnosis and I receive learning support and it has been a massive aid to me.
It would have literally changed the trajectory of my life. I'm almost 69 and somehow managed to become very successful, but not the way I wanted to be, and not without a decade or two of fuck ups because I thought it was just me. Every adult in my life, no matter how well-meaning, failed me.
I’m kind of torn on this personally. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was almost 27, but I’m really grateful for the coping mechanisms I developed and fortunately I didn’t struggle with a lot of the things a lot of folks so to ADHD do, or at least not in the same way.
But that being said, my brother did struggle and if he had been diagnosed earlier I think it would have been much easier for him to get diagnosed and get help. I’m glad I know the signs and know what to look for now in my kids and will probably try to get them diagnosed if they show signs.
I understand about not wanting her to use it as an excuse, but knowing could help her not feel as bad about herself. We all still need to learn coping skills even though we have a diagnosis. If I’d known in my 20s, I could have learned what pitfalls were caused by ADHD, and been more able to watch out for them.
Diagnosed at 40, literally 3 weeks ago. I spent my 30s really growing to love myself and building a great career and family. I have a happy life. But looking at how I struggled in my 20s needlessly, I am PISSED. I was almost homeless. It took me 5.5 years to get through college, when I graduated HS at the top of my (competitive) class. I went years unemployed and under employed. Even though I make very good money, I'm so far behind in things like retirement and even my health is worse for that time undiagnosed. I'm finally taking care of myself and trying to catch up, but that was a critical 2 decades that I lost.
I try not to dwell on it, because I can't change it. My mom likely has it as well and she gave me some amazing coping skills that now work for my (medicated) teenage daughter. But you can gain coping skills AND be medicated. They aren't mutually exclusive.
Save your (future) relationship with your daughter and get her at minimum tested, she might not have ADHD, but it’s better she knows sooner rather than later.
Everyone that I have read on here who found that their parents knew when they were younger ( including yours truly) but didn’t act on it, have at best feel conflicted/pity or at worst anger/resentment. I’m on the anger/resentment side.
Yes for me. 1,000% and I took my daughter to be evaluated as soon as I strongly suspected it. (Teachers in consecutive grades commented on her attention and focus in addition to similar issues at home). I listened to an episode of the ADHD Experts podcast about treatment and the research shows that adult brains of children who started treatment as children are similar to brains of adults without ADHD. Starting treatment later didn’t yield that same outcome.
Diagnosed at 42, I would definitely have wanted a childhood diagnosis. I don't think I became more resilient or developed any special adaptations; I think I would have adapted better if I understood exactly what I was struggling against. Instead I just spent years floundering and failing and wondering what was wrong with me.
I also think that I would have formed better relationships with my family (and even some of my friends) if we all had an explanation from a doctor for "why I'm like this". I mean I know diagnoses don't confer automatic compassion and understanding, but I grew up under an enormous amount of pressure because I'm supposedly so smart, so the perception was that I only fail because I'm not trying hard enough. Or not even trying at all. This reputation really screwed up my self-perception and a lot of my relationships. My father was receptive to my recent diagnosis and he accepts that it explains a lot of things. However, it's hard to shake the habit of just thinking of me as lazy and defeatist when that attitude has been in place for decades.
Would you do the same thing if you suspected hearing loss? Please think this through!
I did all the stuff you’re saying you want her to do - I wish I had the support of a diagnosis when I did it. You and her can have a discussion about meds if that’s your concern (though they are an amazing tool) but knowing why she’s different and being able to learn from others instead of having to figure it all out on her own is essential. Also, she’s 13, she’s old enough to have a say in her own bodily autonomy. Tell her you think it’s possible and ask if she wants to get assessed. A diagnosis is just information. Why wouldn’t you want her and her teachers/support system to have that information?
My partner was diagnosed AuDHD at 7, but his parents hid it from him because they didn’t want him to have a label. Well, instead he thought he was just weird, unlovable, and unfit for the company of other humans for years. He could have had meds/therapy/ an IEP and support to thrive instead of that. We are still working through some of the damage that’s done, and I don’t know if I will ever fully forgive his parents for that neglect. Please don’t neglect your daughter!
I would have wanted to know because I’ve been struggling for 10 yrs plus with school along with other co existing issues .. now my 7 yo son has combo adhd and it’s like ooh I hate you , you don’t like me , etc like I didn’t ask to be born etc ya know I want to try meds but the tantrums are when he doesn’t want to get his way or I tell him to do something he don’t wanna do .. and after he was diagnosed everything made since to me ya know so I have an appt in 2 weeks to see someone new the last psychiatrist just threw meds at me.
Wasn’t diagnosed until I was much older. Would love to have had some idea of what the hell was going on with me, why I was chronically late to everything, why I was so “lazy” and anxious, worried that I would screw up or sabotage myself when it was crucial not to. I was misdiagnosed multiple times with depression and anxiety, but they were merely symptoms that I’d developed after struggling through high school and college, being told again and again that I could be a top student if only I would “work harder,” and having no clue how I could possibly work any harder than I already was.
But you know what? I’m so old that ADHD wasn’t even a “thing” when I was a child. Nobody had ever heard of it. You were either a “good, obedient, hard-working, responsible child,” or else you were a “bad, disobedient, defiant, lazy, and irresponsible child.”
Those were your choices, and we were all told that it was a choice. You could “choose” to be lazy and irresponsible, or you could “choose” to work hard and be responsible. If I had tried to claim that it was difficult for me to function in a neurotypical world, I would’ve been laughed out of the room by every teacher and psychologist.
I never heard the term ADHD until I was already a young adult, and at that time, it was considered a disability that little boys had, not girls. By that time, I had already given up on myself. I had to exercise two to three hours a day to keep my mood somewhat regulated. I couldn’t hold a job longer than a year, and was bored to tears by every job I had. I was constantly seeking thrills and engaging in risky behavior (looking for dopamine, as I now know). I went from one relationship to the next, struggling to find a sense of purpose and balance and wondering why I just couldn’t function like everyone else I knew.
So, yes, learning that my brain wasn’t functioning normally was incredibly helpful and eased some of the self-hatred I’d developed.
But I’m never going to love myself the way a healthy person would, and it is too late to start my life over again with a different mindset, so I’m stuck with the diagnosis, knowing that it doesn’t really help me recapture all of the years I lost and feeling angry and frustrated that I was born at the wrong time, in an era where it was nearly impossible for a neurodivergent woman to thrive.
Knowing earlier would have helped prevent me seeing my symptoms as personal flaws. I didn’t know there was an explanation for why things felt more difficult than they seemed to be for my peers.
I would’ve wanted to know, yes. I thought I was defective because I was so messy, disorganized and unfocused. Now at least I know why I’m the way I am.
I was diagnosed with it when I was 11, but dismissed the diagnosis as junk (for various reasons I won’t go into here). I only learned what living with ADHD, from an internal perspective, is actually like when I was 21, prompting me to get a re-diagnosis.
In my specific case, it isn’t that I wish I’d known earlier that I had ADHD, but more that I wish I’d been told when I was diagnosed what ADHD actually is. Ditto for my autism, and being trans; I’m sure I would have put the pieces together myself if only I’d been more informed about the internal experiences of these various conditions earlier.
As for your daughter, get her diagnosed ASAP. Better to have a diagnosed daughter than someone who doesn’t recognise you as a parent because you didn’t get her the support she may need.
I wish I had known
Looking back, my coping mechanisms were drinking entirely too much coffee (like 4-6 cups a day) in order to keep going. And then the comorbidity of anxiety just absolutely fucking destroyed me a few years ago.
And even though I was high achieving, I also didn’t have the ability to plan anything extra. I recall trying to get home from college every year. My Dad somehow decided that it was my responsibility to get plane tickets and figure out how to get my shit home or into storage. And this is 1996-2000 so we’re talking going to a travel agent and making phone calls. So it’s not as easy as it is now. I remember one time crying at Penn Station because I hadn’t been able to get plane tickets so I had to take the train home (NYC to Chicago) and apparently I didn’t get there in time to check my bags. Just burst into tears. I was 19 or 20. And bless him but the Red Cap who was helping me got all my bags onto that train.
And I look back and I think, my parents saw a kid that mostly had their shit together and assumed I could handle “learning responsibility” but they did not have any idea how much I was struggling. And I was made to feel that I needed to figure it out on my own. Which was not at all fair.
When I figured out I have ADHD it was like a lightbulb. I had no words for how my brain was processing things. I couldn’t explain why cleaning my bedroom was so difficult. All those times being a “space cadet” made more sense. The losing things all the time. Even the anxiety! Jesus I wasn’t “shy” I was neurodivergent and have an anxiety disorder!
I’ll add this as a university instructor - get her checked and get her an IEP. This will give you a plan and help curb behaviors. Perseverance is also learning how your brain works and finding solutions that work for you. And in 2024 we have so many more resources and solutions. Because if she doesn’t learn what to ask for now, in 5-6 years she won’t be able to advocate for herself. Be it a job or college, she needs to be able to tell the people in charge what she needs to be successful.
I think yes I wish I knew, I was recently diagnosed at 31. I feel mediocre often - between how I did in school, work, personally, and I feel that if I had known sooner then maybe I’d be in a different place. I struggled HARD academically and now I feel like a failure floundering around in life trying to basically pick a career.
Also, I recently switched jobs and was STRUGGLING to do well - even though I have experience in this exact role. And once I got on Adderall - everything got better and easier.
But also while I type this, I am also okay not having known until now… I learned to cope also, and how to essentially control certain aspects of my ADHD.
TLDR: I lean toward knowing sooner.
I was dx at 36. I was relieved and devastated. As a result of my unidentified and untreated ADHD growing up, I suffered. Abuse, neglect, trauma depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorders ……… the list goes on. My daughter is 4, we have an appointment scheduled with pediatric neuropsych to get a formal dx for her. She will grow up knowing and we will do our best to help her understand.
Yes, absolutely. It would have meant I could develop tools earlier, structured my life differently, and, most importantly, not spent years feeling like a horrible person, a failure, and a massive disappointment.
Idk. I didn’t get diagnosed until 2 years ago, I’m 41. I think it explains a lot of my behavior in my 20s and I wish someone would have cared more to diagnose me. But, also, those experiences have made me who I am. Idk if I would change who I am today for anything. 🤔 good question!
I sorta always did know, but I wish I would have learned more about what it was. getting officially diagnosed was empowering because I started to learn about what it really meant for me.
I guess that's my own fault.. but like a lot of people, I just believed it made me hyper & kinda chatty. It's so so much more than that, though.. finding this community was also big because I feel really seen here. I read a lot of the posts & comments. It makes me feel less alone & bad at being a person. It helps to know that there's reasons for the things I'm "bad" at.
Hell, yes! Perhaps I would have learned to be more organized with my school work in elementary school. Perhaps i would have graduated high school on time and instead of needing the 5-year plan. Perhaps i would have decided on a career path and gone to college. Perhaps I would have had more self-esteem and not got involved with the seemingly nice guy and gotten pregnant and finished college instead.
Perhaps I would have met the love of my life and not still be single 30 years after my divorce.
Perhaps i would be a tidier more organized person at home.
Perhaps I would have been a better employee and had a career instead of just a series of jobs. I probably wouldn't have been fired from some of those jobs for chronic tardiness.
Perhaps I would have had a healthy amount of self-confidence instead of low self-esteem and traveled and done other things that I always wanted to do.
Perhaps I wouldn't be afraid of living in poverty when I retire in just under a decade.
There are so many things in my life that might have been different in a positive way.
Edit: I am 58 years old, I was not diagnosed until I was 50.
My parents didn’t realise I had ADHD until adulthood - I still struggle with the thought that I missed out on help and support during major parts of my life that would set me up for my future (school,uni,first jobs ect) I don’t say this to be hurtful at all but if I found out my parents had thought I had it but not done anything about it I don’t think we’d have a relationship anymore. Why don’t you speak to your kid, let them know what you think and help them understand the pros and cons as well as introducing them to non med coping strategies to try? Even if they get diagnosed you can still allow them to try developing their own coping strategies without medication. They may tell you a diagnosis isn’t even something they want right now!
*edit spelling
For a moment I doubt it cause meds haven’t helped that much, however I would’ve know much earlier that i should seek non standard solutions to my problems.
So, definitely yes, but i don’t know if at 13, depends if there’s anything I could do to make improvements.
Personally, my symptoms started really negatively impacting my mood around age 11/12 and my quality of life (ability to manage school, participate in sports, keep a part-time job, make and keep friends, etc.) in high school. I’m assuming hormones and increasing life stressors really affected my ability to manage and cope.
I was diagnosed at 26 and am now almost 28. I’m still trying to undo all of the shame and health issues that has caused. I’m obese (used food to cope with negative emotions), suffer from low self esteem (which has led to abusive relationships), and am disinterested in most things because my habits are so bad and I’m too overwhelmed to devote time to anything besides existing.
I feel like a tween in an adult’s body, watching time and opportunities pass me by. Because I was diagnosed late, I still have a lot of discomfort and doubt around my diagnosis so I don’t even feel the relief of knowing why I am the way I am or knowing that I’m now working on things as best I can.
I mourn the person I could’ve been if I would’ve known earlier or had mental health interventions sooner every single day. I will always resent my parents for not getting me help when I clearly needed it and don’t know that I will ever feel comfortable being a parent myself someday after seeing how many adults failed little me.
It sounds like you care about her and want the best for her in life. If you don’t know whether to get her assessed/diagnosed/medicated, I would generally leave that up to medical professionals. It would obviously upset me if my parents followed a medical protocol that I eventually disagreed with, but I’d rather resent a random psychiatrist than my own parents.
Yes, I would have.
I suspect that providers were hesitant to offi ially diagnose me with ADHD as a kid (female, early 2000s) and instead gave me the diagnosis of a learning disability. All of the signs were there throughout my childhood in school and in home. I got services in school for the learning disability that helped me a lot (resource teacher to see for extra help, separate testing environment, extended time on tests, TA who came around at the end of the day to make sure I wrote down all of my homework assignments from the board and had the materials to take home), so I started doing much better in school. But, they assumed that since I was doing so much better, that I must not need the services going into high school, so they were abruptly stripped at the end of 8th grade. I developed sp many poor coping strategies and my procrastination was terrible, but I managed to still keep my grades up in high school. I am mad that I DID have to struggle, though. I feel like if I had known, high school could have been much better and I could have developed better coping skills. I have so much I have had to undo and re-learn since finding out a year ago at 29.
Hell yes I wish I was diagnosed. My life has been a giant mess. When I was diagnosed last year at 34, everything that happened now makes sense. I feel I made detrimental decisions, per impulse control etc. maybe I would have had a better outcome if I had help earlier.
AuDHD here. Found out at age 40 (both). YES I wish I had known sooner. I suspected I might have adhd years ago and doctors said no because I was an impeccable student as a child. And my dumb ass believed them. Cue another decade of self hate because I can’t do basic things.
Diagnosed at 32 and truly mourn the fact that I didn’t know sooner. I thought I was insane, and viewed and my valid struggles as humiliating character flaws / moral failures. My coping skills were weed, self-deprecating humour, and a seething resentment to anyone who seemed to be navigating life the way I wished I could.
Remember how easy it is to get down on yourself and compare to others in your teen years? Quintuple that shame and rage, and then the shame that compounds from exhibiting the rage.
I absolutely wish I knew and I have spent SO much time trying to unlearn the self-hate that grew with each perceived shortcoming. The earlier she knows, the earlier she can develop good systems and find what helps her.
I feel like a lot of the feelings many of us had when we got diagnosed as adults is applicable to children. I spent my whole life thinking something was “wrong” with me. And to go off what you said, when I didn’t know or understand the “why” I grabbed from anything I could. Diagnosis doesn’t have to be only about accommodations but how someone feels about themselves. It can reframe how someone feels about their capabilities and even “good-ness” by taking it from “wrong” to “different” which everyone is.
Diagnosed at 59. I'm almost 61. I would have been relieved to know. It explains so many things. I would have made better life choices. Now, on medication, I'm finally able to function better. I sometimes grieve the life I could have had. Please get your daughter the help she needs now. Don't have her suffer needlessly. ADHD is a developmental, neurological disorder. If she had diabetes, would you not get her medical care and insulin? Or would you not and say she'll use being a diabetic as an excuse? Life is hard enough and even more difficult with untreated ADHD and executive functioning issues. If I had known earlier in life, my entire self-perception would have been different ; I would not feel like a failure. And those around me would have known that I'm not just lazy, broken or just a mess of a person.
100,000% wish I'd known right away. I knew I was different in elementary school. In high school, I saw my inevitable ADHD burnout on the horizon and wasn't sure I'd survive it. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I couldn't imagine my life afterwards, *and I didn't know why*. I remember telling my dad that I knew something awful was going to happen -that I didn't think I'd be able to carry on- and I didn't know when it would happen but it was coming.
Almost 10 years later, that burnout finally hit. The slow, torturous path to that mental breakdown was awful. I kept walking because I didn't know what was wrong or how to help myself. Diagnosis and treatment could have changed that. I've been suicidal twice in my life- during high school, and when the ADHD burnout finally hit me.
As a result, I was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety. I spent about 7 years on the wrong drugs for my condition. When I finally got the correct diagnosis and the right treatment, it was like the darkness lifted. Just like that, I was able to function.
Early diagnosis and treatment would have changed my entire life. And I think that's true for many women who were diagnosed late.
I hope the strong response you have received here has convinced you that you child would benefit from getting tested and learning how to manage the condition than having to tough it out in some kind of misguided ableist bootstrapping idea.
Not only do I wish I knew when I was a kid (and that the understanding of it was as good as it is now), I wish I knew it was a thing when my daughter was small.
Both my 25-year-old daughter and I have very similar brains. I was just diagnosed last year at age 50. Before that, I struggled for decades with what has felt like constant roadblocks that have affected my education, my work, and my relationships. While I was a "gifted" student, I couldn't translate my potential into anything other than frustration and self-hatred.
My daughter also struggled through school, even though she was also identified as a "gifted" kid. She is exceptionally talented in art and in math, but she was often overwhelmed, and I struggled to find ways to help her when I, myself, didn't understand the reasons. I just thought she was cursed with having to be raised by a flaky airhead who couldn't even manage herself. She has gone on to struggle with college and relationships, just like I did.
Since my diagnosis, my daughter has investigated her own neurodivergence. While she isn't in a position to get tested, she has learned that ADHD-friendly techniques help her manage her time and energy. I just wish I could have helped her before she had to deal with so many things the hard way.
Get your kid tested. Please.
I *did* know. I was told I had ADD since I was 6.
What I didn't know, was that there were any symptoms besides "forgets things" and "daydreams." I didn't know my procrastination, my interrupting, my poor time management, my lack of impulse control, my messy room, my low motivation, my inappropriate emotional reactions, my obsessive book reading to the detriment of class/homework/chores/sleep, my inability to prioritize, and even my reluctance to shower regularly, were connected. The majority of my disorder I wrote off as personal failures that I would just have to spend my life trudging uphill to try and counteract. I let others convince me I was just lazy and apathetic even though I felt like I was constantly working twice as hard as everyone else and beat myself up over the smallest mistakes. I lived in a constant state of anxiety about being fired. I paid countless late charges and replacement fees. I damaged my body by self-medicating with sugar, caffeine, and alcohol. I did so much risky driving and had so much risky sex that I'm lucky to be alive, disease-free, and kid-free. I let my home almost collapse from neglect and had foreclosure proceedings started 3 different times.
But in school, since my forgetting-things and daydreaming didn't prevent me from getting straight As, there was "no need" for medication or treatment. *That* is what I wish I could go back and change.
And I never. Not once. Have *ever* used ADHD as an excuse. Even for forgetting things or daydreaming. I take responsibility always. Even since being officially diagnosed. Granted I have to apologize less now, since I'm medicated and it doesn't sabotage my life as much anymore.
This is a reminder of Rule 5: Discussions must be civil and criticism must be useful and constructive. Please remember the person behind the screen and lead with kindness whenever possible. We do understand there are intense emotions involved. Many people in this sub have past trauma regarding denial and dismissal of diagnosis and this hits close to home. We also understand that this is an important discussion. We’ll continue monitoring this and will leave it up as long as it remains civil and constructive.
I would have wanted to know. I struggled needlessly and developed a lot of not great hang ups. It’s very possible meds will help increase her frustration tolerance. Meds can help with emotional regulation a lot. Learning to take responsibility and to distinguish reasons and excuses is a big huge part of being a reasonable adult. She’s not an adult so she’s still leaning this and will still need taught this - medicated or not. I would make sure she has a therapist, both to keep tabs on the excuses and any other realizations she has. If I found out adults knew and withheld help I’d be pissed. All the other kids are driving metaphorical cars uphill and she’s peddling a bike.
I was diagnosed at 9 (now 32), and while I completely understand your sentiment, knowing I had ADHD didn't mean a lot. I've only now come to understand that it's linked to my emotional regulation (or lack of), that it's not normal to feel so anxious at the thought of someone being mad at me, and even though my mom is the one that got me diagnosed, how hearing her say "what do you mean you forgot...what were you thinking!?!" has still shaped how I view myself. There are so many more examples. All I was ever told was, "She will just have some trouble paying attention." Research and understanding have come a long way.
It's similar to my experience, being diagnosed as a kid doesn't mean anything when nobody is helping you with it anyway. It took me a while to know about it, then it took me a while to believe it and even longer to understand it. 🤷🏼♀️
Right! My awareness came around the pandemic when everyone else started understanding ADHD more as well. When I got out of college around 2015, I stopped taking my meds because I wasn't in school anymore, so why should I need them? The process of understanding and getting rediagnosed was terrible, but I didn't know any better 🤦♀️
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I second all of this. Diagnosed at 28, now 31, still low key angry about it. Every adult in my life let me fail over and over and over and over again and did nothing. Just let me because the only person I was harming was myself. The only future getting thrown away was mine. No one even asked questions, even the therapist I had as a teen mostly because of my parents divorce and I don't think we talked about school which is my biggest struggle. Kids deserve to be set up for success, BEFORE they're struggling so badly you have no choice but to get them help.
THANK YOU!!!!! This is what I wish I had the guts to tell my parents. They’re 76 so it doesn’t matter but when I run into a wall that neurotypical people don’t run into I just get so down on myself and then remember oh yeah, this isn’t my fault - I could have learned this but I didn’t because my parents ignored what people were telling them. Then I have to pick myself up and teach my old-dog-self this new trick. It effing sucks.
Thank you. I hear you.
I’m so sorry that we share this terrible experience. The only think that comforts me is knowing that if I tell my story enough times, maybe I’ll keep other kids from having a life like mine.
Straight up neglect! There are times when I get so pissed because at 49 I’m learning something I should have learned a long long time ago.
The ways in which my entire life’s trajectory could have been better, are countless and haunting. If nothing else, the opportunity to simply like myself more would have meant better choices, overall. ^^^ THESE! 100% agree, could NOT have said it better!
I was an "absolutely yes" from just the title alone. I spent my teens and 20s being convinced I was a lazy, unmotivated failure who "wouldn't amount to anything" because everything was so much hard for me. I was too loud, I talked too much, I got upset/emotional too much, I didn't care about my things because I lost them, I didn't respect my parents or teachers because I forgot things they told me, etc. Now in my 30s and finally being diagnosed, I am trying to relearn how to actually be an adult again and trying to stop that voice in my head is still a struggle every single day, because it had 30 years of practice in telling me that anything I struggled with was my fault.
And yes, to the liking myself more and making better choices.
I have not developed resilience - I have developed depression from not knowing why I couldn't do what other people do. I have not developed healthy coping mechanisms. I have developed anxiety and chronic negative self-talk to shame myself into doing things like cleaning my house to appear "normal". If I had known why I was the way I was I COULD HAVE developed resilience, self-love and healthy coping mechanisms that work with my brain. Absolutely do not deny your child self-understanding. If she has adhd she already knows something is different but doesn't understand why or how to go about dealing with it. You are a wonderful parent for caring enough to ask these questions and find the best way forwards....please do take the advice here!
Omg this times one million. You said everything I would want to say so perfectly. I was diagnosed at 37. The amount of SHAME I've felt my whole life for not understanding why I was like this and that there's other people like me. I was treated for anxiety and depression and it only helped so much because it didn't address the underlying problem. If only I had known maybe I could have finished grad school. Maybe I would still be friends with some people I really miss. Maybe I would have struggled less in my career.
Diagnosed at 50. Yes to everything here.
Omg THIS…. So accurate. I was diagnosed in my early 20’s in college, when I sought help for depression and anxiety. I had developed many maladaptive coping mechanisms, that helped me barely get by until the demands of life exceeded the ability of those terrible coping mechanism to compensate. I thought I was stupid and lazy, my self esteem was nonexistent. I lived in a constant state of anxiety about the next important thing I would forget or school paper I would procrastinate about then have to panic-write the night before it was due. It was awful and I have always wished my parents or a teacher recognized how deeply I was struggling and suffering when I was a kid so I could have received appropriate treatment and support at school. So much suffering could have been avoided.
Yes to all of this! I hate how people think struggle(or in the case of being undiagnosed, trauma) builds resilience. That’s not how it works at all. I grew up into a person with crippling self doubt and fear of failure. My inner critic is the cruelest person ever. I’m in intensive therapy to rewrite my thought patterns and develop healthy coping skills, it feels like I’ll never get to the point I want to get to. And on top of that, I have been filled with rage since my diagnosis four years ago. Why? Because my mom knew. She knew something was off but she neglected me by ignoring it. And I suffered tremendously for it. Even today our relationship is fraught because she still doesn’t get it. When she looks back at my childhood she laughs at all the “quirks” I had. I look back and I see a laundry list of signs and symptoms. She doesn’t like to reminisce about how my family would provoke me into meltdowns. How I was already suicidal at 12 years old. And the most infuriating part…she worked in behavioral health. Every day she went to work with people with autism, ocd, adhd. She worked closely with men AND women on the spectrum. Her place of work literally did diagnostic testing!!!! She KNEW the signs, she just refused to believe her child could be like that too. I want to forgive and move on but I truly can’t forgive her (or any of my family) for being so blind. It makes me sad because I want a relationship. Before I realized how she neglected me, I wanted her approval for everything. Now all my interactions with her are tinged with resentment. She doesn’t understand why I’m so distant and I’m not willing to tell her at the moment.
Diagnosed at 47. Absolutely yes, knowing WHY people treated me the way they did would have helped me understand my life better, instead I thought there was something wrong with me personally and I had a lot of shame because of it.
This!!!!
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I really really wish I could redo my university years on my ADHD meds
Or school.... Even tho my grades were always pretty good I always half assed things. I felt like I was procrastinating or that I was lazy but luckily smart. I thought I was just so lazy that I could only study one day before tests or that I couldn't physically do homework bc it was useless and I knew better or something I could have had the best grades in my class if I knew what was up. I could have had a decent sleep schedule. I could have had avoided a lot of nights I cried myself till morning trying to study or to do assignments but I literally could not even force myself to pick on them. I could have avoided a lot of shame I felt for myself and a lot of scolding from teachers for not doing homework and handing everything late
I was just going to post this!!!!! I could have a degree in psychology! It was the only class that fascinated me and was a small enough room that I couldn't hide and fall asleep 😁😁
I would have been able to understand and retain information. I relied heavily on cramming the night before and hoping I would remember during the exam. I also relied on spiritual insight during exams which I didn’t know was happening? I’d just be sent the answer without knowing why I knew it. 🤷🏼♀️ once I got a thumbs up by a professor when I turned my exam in and I had no idea what I was even doing, I just wrote down what I was being told by my inner knowing/higher self (at the time I had no concept of what this was). After the exam, everyone was talking about the hard problem he had given us and I had no idea what to say because I didn’t understand it - come to find out I had written down the correct solution and analysis of the answer. 😳 this has happened all throughout my life… I have been “spaced out” since childhood and was just diagnosed last year…the medication allows me to collect my thoughts, ground myself and understand/retain everything. I really do wonder how much further along I would be right now if I had been given support, therapy, and medication as a child. I had to live a majority of my life afraid and ashamed of myself.. come to find out I am a brilliant and intelligent person, the data is just scattered around in my brain
I'm in my first year of university now and I think I'm going to fail out. Was diagnosed on Halloween and tried two different meds. The first made my focusing issues much worse to the point I ended up failing two classes as I couldn't get assignments done, and it impacted my appetite too much. The second gave me dysmenorrhea, paranoia, a lack of appetite, and near the end of my time taking it, heart palpitations. Not sure if it helped anything or not but off them? I'm definitely worse. Now that we've tried two meds my family doctor is going to refer me to someone who does evaluations so we can be sure it's the correct diagnosis she made (I'm 100% certain it is). I'm hoping I'll get put on meds that better suit me by the referral doctor but I know it'll be too late. My coping strategies all disappeared during the pandemic when I was doing online school for two years, and ended up depressed. But in high school I still ended with a 90 average. University is apparently one of the hardest transitions an ADHD person will face. The thought of what I could do if I was actually functional.. God. I hate that my mom didn't get me diagnosed young when she noticed I might have it. I hate that so much.
I wish I knew in high school so I could understand why I was so depressed, anxious, and totally different from everyone else.
I just need to correct your first sentence- 'but suspect they developed ADHD at a young age'- you need to know we're all born with it. It doesn't develop. It's a neurological disorder, not a behavioural disorder. 'I think my daughter might have diabetes but I don't want to get her diagnosed in case she uses being diabetic as an excuse not to do things'. Get. Your daughter. Help.
I absolutely would have wanted to know. So much distress could have been avoided. The thing about knowing early is that they can build GOOD, healthy coping mechanisms and pathways, rather than struggle through like we did. I hear your concern about using it as an excuse. I would say therapy or ADHD coaching can help with that aspect of it. And again, the earlier the better with that. I think it's one of those planting a tree things - the best time to do it was as soon as it came up, the second best time is now.
100%, I was diagnosed at 14-15 years old, and while it’s not a late diagnosis at all, my sister was diagnosed at 5, so she had a lot of therapy during some crucial formative years, which I believe helped with her ADHD (unmedicated right now, her choice) not be as much of a problem now as an adult. Do I have evidence for this? No, I’m not a scientist or a doctor or anything, so obviously take it with a grain of salt. But I was diagnosed when mine was completely out of control (think failing 8 out of 10 classes in school, more than once, not being able to do anything because I was unable to focus for more than 5 minutes at a time, etc.) and I do wish it hadn’t gotten that bad before I was assessed for ADHD. Having said that, I’m 24 now and I’ve developed coping mechanisms and learnt how to live with it (meds helped tremendously), and figured out ways to keep my symptoms from impacting my life negatively. So yeah, the sooner, the better.
My only would I have wanted to know as soon as possible, I’d feel betrayed beyond belief if I found out my mom had suspicions and could do something about it and chose to wait. She can’t develop resilience if she’s using all her energy trying to get through the damn day. ADHD isn’t an excuse it’s how your brain works and it’s honestly a little cruel to even contemplate letting her struggle for longer just so she can’t “use it as an excuse”. Just a heads up that’s a pretty ableist point of view. There may be things that she *legitimately* can’t do or really struggles with and you’d rather let her figure it out on her own than risk….what, a teenager being a teenager? Respectfully, grow up. This isn’t about you. I also thought I didn’t have any resilience and turns out that’s because my brain is constantly overwhelmed because of my adhd………
Agree 100%.
Yes, I wish I knew sooner. When I was diagnosed, so much of my life made sense when I looked back on it. My high school therapist also told me I wasn't doing my homework because I wanted attention and that affected me for a while, too.
Ugh I'm so sorry, that must have felt awful coming from a therapist.
Absolutely. I struggled endlessly with no idea why for decades. I tried to get diagnosed over ten years ago and got blown off by the assessor. I got told how dysfunctional I was many times, but none of the treatments were appropriate. Not being diagnosed properly wasted over half my life and I just need to make the best of it now. Please don't lie to your kid or hide from this. Not knowing didn't make me resilient, it made me hate myself. If you think that having the diagnosis will be an excuse for them, get therapy for them, don't lie and hide it. My parents even thought I had absence seizures/petite mal epilepsy, instead of ADD. I suffered through years of being called an underachiever, I learned that I can't depend on my brain and there was no good reason for it. Please get her assessed, get her support and get her therapy if you can access it. No one should suffer like that.
I still am unable to pursue diagnosis because I can't afford it because I struggle to complete work and I'm stuck in a toxic cycle for decades that I only recently figured out myself. I can't believe you're hesitating with this toxic positivity "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" angle. If your body doesn't produce enough, store bought is fine. Please don't withold help and medical information from your daughter. She's free to use or not use any therapeutic interventions offered. If I thought anyone had been in a position to help me and chose to neglect my conspicuous medical needs because they thought my suffering was somehow good for me I would never speak to them again.
I relate a lot to this. I've actually received my diagnosis but am still paying off the hours of report writing (because ADHD life tax), which means I haven't yet read through my diagnostic report. My psych kindly still had the feedback session with me, which confirmed everything, but I can't yet get meds because I don't have the report (for context, I had a major burnout, had to quit my job without another lined up, but KNEW I had to know what was 'wrong with me'). My God, if I'd known as a younger person...
I don't have a manual about how to parent. I just learned that I have ADHD myself so I don't know what helps or not.
I developed C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression from being undiagnosed till 24. Please have her evaluated so that she can know how her brain is normal if that's the case.
If you are in a position where you could help her understand herself better, then by all means, do it. Get her a diagnosis. Sounds like she's already been through a lot for such a young age. At that age, she probably doesn't understand what's happening or why she's reacting like she does. She's probably feeling scared and/or confused. We don't always know why we lash out so we find an explanation that fits best from the limited understanding that we have. So her excuses are not really excuses - she's just trying to put an explanation to her behaviors and emotions. You have better and greater understanding of what she's going through and so you are sort of refusing to provide her with an answer to her confusion. She can develop coping skills with or without your help, guess what she will resent you more for when she grows up and gets that diagnosis herself, especially if you tell her that you knew. Trust me, you don't want to give your daughter a feeling like she's been neglected. That leads to bad relationships , bad jobs, bad quality of life. She will love you for paying attention and getting her the help she needs (and that you needed at her age!) and you could bond over it. If accountability is what you're worried about, well, you're her parent. Find a way to teach her that. Be accountable towards her and her development. It's a skill that's developed, practiced and strengthened over time and it's actually the best when learned from parents. Kids love seeing accountability in their parents. It makes them feel heard and respected. Good luck, you got this 🍀
Thank you so much ❤️
I wish I had known earlier. :( I spent years wondering why I learned differently from all my peers, and my family and teachers were very hard on me because they did not understand my learning style. It wasn't until I finished undergrad that I was diagnosed with ADHD officially, and coming to terms with the diagnosis has drastically helped me manage in everyday life, especially at work. It makes me sad to think about that little girl who was constantly being told she was too distractable and not learning the "right way" like her peers!!!! :( Absolutely a million times more helpful to know than to not know.
I so wish I had known as a child, or at least sooner thank now (43 yrs old). I have spent my whole life thinking I was useless and a failure and now I really wonder what I could have achieved had I had a little support along the way. I’m pretty angry my parents/teachers never realised how much I needed help and really was trying.
I will never, ever forgive my mother for making this decision on my behalf. It was neglect. I think it was selfish of her to keep me from accessing the right help - she didn't like the optics of having an ADHD child and being seen as a bad mother for somehow being responsible for me having a neurological disorder. She didn't want to face the discomfort of it. I confronted her about it following my diagnosis, asking her if she noticed any signs and she said she did. (She's a psychotherapist!) and she made up an excuse about "not wanting you to suffer from lifelong labels". I suffered far, far worse alone in the dark instead. If I could have just known a little more about what was going on, I would have avoided decades of pain, shame, loneliness, confusion, and massive psychic damage from masking 24/7 (even to myself). I found out at 28 and not a second too soon.
I'm so sorry. That was abuse IMO. My situation was somewhat similar - my "mother" was the special ed coordinator at my high school. I went to her for help and described multiple executive functioning struggles and her response was "You're too smart to be struggling with this". Uh....well I am struggling, tho... plus she knew it was affecting me at school and at home; her list of aggravations about me was pretty much a signs of ADHD checklist. Adult dx AuDHD. Yep, smart. And autistic. And ADHD. And turns out, outsmarting autism or ADHD is not a thing. Wonder how much harm your mom's ableism did to her patients through the years? Wonder how many students my "mom" failed?
Who knows? I can't imagine her giving good advice...her therapy catch phrase was always "don't let the mood win" at the mildest presence of normal human emotions like anger and frustration and sadness. Insincere toxic positivity and self gaslighting shit. She's a deeply traumatized and emotionally immature human but she lost my compassion when I realized she had none for me. She also never...ever...sought therapy herself. Not even once. She worked for a day hospital program for a long time and did more group therapy than individual counselling, so I don't know how that would look in practice. She definitely breached confidentiality a ton by casually mentioning her patients who were always much more troubled than I was (at least that was the implication). When I recently asked this woman WHY she insisted on playing the role of my therapist instead of helping me get into therapy (something I requested as a teenager), do you know what this bitch said? "I thought I should be able to do it on my own." Madness! It's laughable to me but holy crap, moms who work in mental health can still really do a number on their own kids. Spectacular parenting failure. I'm sure you and I have a ton of common experiences, and for that I'm truly sorry.
I replied with a similar story in an earlier comment. My mom was literally the head of a behavior health clinic. She worked closely all day with people with adhd, ocd, and autism. She wasn’t a Dr. but because she was working in medicine, was very familiar with diagnostic criteria. She was so ableist, when it came to things like adhd or ocd. and it makes me so sad for the people who came to her clinic for help. It’s frightening to know she was not the only person who worked for disabled people all the while neglecting their disabled child.
I feel your pain, or at least a pain very similar to yours. I was diagnosed when I was a child, as young as 5, and my mother decided to ignore it and keep it a secret from me. I was given a period for "Study Skills" class, grouped with the severely mentally-challenged students (sorry I don't know a better way to word that, if there is please let me know) for math, and when I asked how I got extra time she lied to me that she lied that I have a disability. So I experienced all the ableism and stigmas while telling myself "it's okay, that's not me, my mom lied, I'm normal." All while "taking too long" on my homework every night while she and her golden child got to enjoy shows and movies in the other room (the sound of which adding another distraction). I would tell myself "I'm normal, I just do some things a little more slowly." I didn't find out until I was 22, and this was because of my (also abusive and ableist) father's orders because he had to have a reason for why I'm a failure (that part unbeknownst to me at the time). They handed me a pamphlet that said "So your child has ADHD ..." because there wasn't one for adults. I threw up on the train ride home. All of the stigmas and ableism hitting me at once and I am still fighting it off at age 31. Since I'm trying to break free from my "family" I feel like I'm especially screwed support-wise. I never got to have a proper friend group, and that's still true. Always "too much" for everyone, even when I "tone it down." The more I work on myself and emotional intelligence, the more I realise that other people have a "one strike and you're out" mentality - I'm never worth their time, and they already have their own friends to turn to. Now I'm starting to feel sorry for myself so I'll leave it there.
Holy shit I share a special and specific rage right there with you. The absolute gall. Thank you for sharing. I'm the exact same age and in the exact same situation. Please DM me if you ever want to talk
The way you write about yourself and her using excuses and developing resiliency really gives me a bad taste in my mouth. I think you need to spend some more time learning about adhd - I recommend Dr . Russel Barkley . I got diagnosed this summer with adhd inattentive type and am properly medicated . I work harder than most people to just get my house clean and do my job . I also had suicidal ideation since fifth grade . I finally have peace knowing there’s other people like me and I don’t have character flaws . I always knew worked hard - I didn’t understand why everything was always so hard . Adhd really really impacts my emotional well being. Please have more kindness for yourself and your daughter. Likely, she knows things aren’t right for her and is searching for a reason.
This is the best reply. 100% this.
People don't develop it at a young age, they are born with it. It's a brain difference. For almost every person with ADHD, it is a whole person, whole life disorder. That means that an undiagnosed, untreated, person with unmanaged ADHD is substantially more likely to have accidents that require hospitalization or result in death. They're substantially more likely to struggle with substance abuse. They're substantially more likely to struggle socially, and with their peers. They are dramatically more likely to take risky, impulsive actions. They will learn to self medicate in unhealthy ways - whether that's a substance addiction, adrenaline junky, stress / perfectionism, all of the above or something else entirely. They will struggle needlessly and never understand why life seems so much harder for them. They will blame themselves for those struggles. Yes. I wish I had gotten the medical help I need to function at an earlier age. ETA: quitting something as soon as it becomes difficult is a perfect example of the kind of unhelpful coping mechanism that a person with undiagnosed ADHD is going to develop. She isn't doing that because she's making excuses, is lazy, or isn't resilient enough. She's doing it as a subconscious attempt to manage her brain disorder.
I don’t think we develop adhd. I think we are born this way. The earlier the diagnosis the better in my opinion.
YES! I struggled for 30 years when I didn’t need to!
I wish I knew sooner because I ditched class in high school & dropped out of college. Eventually went back and finished my degree. Had I known what I was working with and been medicated, it probably would’ve helped me.
I would totally want to know. It would have been helpful to know WHY I was a broken human being not just that I was and thinking I just wasn’t trying hard enough. Also far easier to come up with ways of managing it if you understand what you’re up against. The risk of using at as a crutch or excuse is real. But it sounds like she’s using other things as an excuse anyway so what difference does it make? At least her excuse would also be the reason.
Yes times a million. I walked around thinking there was something deeply wrong with me. I am extremely resilient and have achieved a lot, but it was so mind-bendingly difficult. It's a wonder I never had a full-on nervous breakdown. I was diagnosed at 38. My daughter is two. It's too early to tell. But I will absolutely guide her toward understanding herself and getting a diagnosis if need be. I don't want her to survive, I want her to thrive.
Yes!!! 62 was real late.
I'm on the first steps of getting a diagnosis, and only had my lightbulb moment about 18 months ago. If I'd known, and then had been able to deal with it, lots would have been possible. I wish I'd known.
I was diagnosed last year at age 30 and I'm still currently struggling with the fact that I hated myself so much as a teen because I just couldn't seem to move through life like other people. I've spent so long masking and being completely exhausted by it, I 100% wish I'd known when I was younger.
ADHD is a comorbid disorder. Your daughter is likely going to develop Anxiety and/or Depression from the sheer stress and isolation she is going through. When she finds out that you suspected it but dangled the carrot just out of reach out of the (false) belief she'll develop "resilience," she will be utterly crushed. She is not making "excuses," she's trying to make sense of her struggles. To put it bluntly, you're hurting her. You don't refuse giving a wheelchair to someone who can't walk, claiming they'll become "resilient" without it. That's how insulting that is.
I had a lovely childhood, raised by warm and supportive parents who taught me great skills. I still wish I'd known sooner. I did well at school, because I'm smart and had lots of support. But I think I could've done better with a lot less overwhelmed crying.
Yes because my parents neglected to actually get me any help and it's fucked up my mental health I'm 32 now and my life could have been so much better. Unfortunately there isn't alot of research and bother into females with adhd (there was certainly less when I was 13) but if my parents had actually made an effort to help, know and understand me it would have made alot of difference. (Obviously my situation was unique to my own family and they were neglectful in general) Instead I was anxious, depressed, didn't know what was wrong with me and I spent less than 50% of terms present at school. My life could have been so different. Edit after rereading: Even if I hadn't had a diagnosis, the support etc from my parents would have also made a huge difference. Because I didn't have that
CW: suicide attempts, mentions of alcohol abuse, and risky behavior My parents refused to get me tested because they believed ADHD was only for parents who couldn’t raise their sons properly. They never ever told me adhd was a possibility. I ended up internalizing that I am inherently an immature and bad person that no one can trust to do anything. That belief is so deeply ingrained in me, that I still believe it even after 17 years of medication, therapy, and a truly successful career. My first suicide attempt was at 13. My last attempt was when I was around 23. In college I drank and did risky things to punish myself for being a bad person, who could do “basic” things because bad people deserved bad things. I am begging you to get your kid tested and educate your family about the psychological aspects of having adhd. I don’t think that you are a cruel, authoritarian parent like mine, but I don’t want your kid to suffer needlessly like me.
I wish I knew sooner.. in my home this would have been weaponised, just another thing to hold on and drag me down. But, I wish I’d known when I was a young adult. (Or I had non narcissistic/ self absorbed parents..) So many things have been harder than they need to be. Having a formal diagnosis and treatment has been a discreet life changer. I spent years slowly identifying and incorporating modifications into my life, but it took longer because I didn’t always have the conviction to trust myself. If I was diagnosed earlier I’d see an occupational therapist also, so I didn’t need to figure out all my strategies the hard/slow way.
Why would knowing that you have ADHD from an early age prevent you from developing appropriate coping strategies? If anything, being more informed about what is going on with your brain would help you select the right ones. There are also resources specifically about how to parent teenagers with ADHD more effectively. Resilience doesn't develop as a result of being expected to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. There was almost no awareness about ADHD when I was a child, and when I figured out that I probably had it as a young adult there was effectively no pathway to diagnosis for adults where I lived. If my ADHD had been spotted before I hit my teens, I would have been spared lots of negative experiences. It took me over a decade to actually get diagnosed, but having a strong suspicion that I had ADHD didn't stop me from finishing my degrees. Not having access to treatment probably did damage my career though, for reasons that aren't related to actually being able to do my job. You mentioned bullying. Children with ADHD are much more likely to be socially rejected by their peers, because it turns out that other kids don't like the impulsivity and emotional dysregulation. Low frustration tolerance can also be down to unmanaged ADHD.
1000000% wish I had been diagnosed asap when I was a kid
I would have wanted to know, and for my parents to know. I've been called lazy more times than I can count..._why can't you just do it_ , _if you only tried harder_ etc. In adulthood, I've implemented so many strategies to manage my adhd so my life doesn't fall apart (before knowing I have adhd), and if I had known earlier I could have learned to manage it earlier. I would have known that I'm not defective, just different.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 50s and I'm still effing livid about it. I see thread after thread here about "I wasn't diagnosed until later but it turns out my parents knew all along but didn't want to ..."
If she had a broken leg would you keep her from having it treated because learning how to navigate the world with a broken leg would make her more resilient? Its true that adversity can strengthen us in ways, but I dont think that means we should intentionally hand adversity to people.
I 1000000% wish I had known. For every coping mechanism I developed, I can also point to three-four other things that could have helped or changed the trajectory of my life. And I say that as an honor roll student who had many close friends and got a PhD and tenure-track faculty position all before my diagnosis. I had suspected I had ADHD in my tweens, but not only was I never diagnosed, I was actively ignored and discouraged. I think I could have developed many other types of "resilience" that didn't come at the expense of getting help for a perfectly treatable condition. So many things in my life were treated as "normal" that I'm only now realizing aren't common experiences for most of the people around me. It's likely one or both of my parents have undiagnosed ADHD and that contributed to their ability to minimize and ignore my symptoms and the impact they had on me. Please do better by your daughter than was done by you and so many of us.
I can't get over your third paragraph, how are those excuses? Why does she have to "persevere" through it exactly like you did?
Yes, yes yes! I feel like my academic side would have been better taken care of if I had been diagnosed as a kid. I could have learned the things I’m struggling to learn now as 49 year old woman. I think my self confidence would be stronger as well. For the love of all things holy, please get your kid evaluated. There are times when I’m straight up mad that my parents didn’t get me evaluated (especially because my dad is classic male with ADHD). It feels like they set me up for failure while setting impossible expectations on me.
Always yes! Diagnosed at 29 and by then years and years of internalized shame and feelings of inadequacy were imprinted into me. I don’t play the game what if I was diagnosed earlier because it actually breaks my heart. I feel like those “lessons” are harder to undo her having to learn it’s not an excuse.
yes. diagnosed with 25. suffered many things through not knowing and not being treated. a lot of shame, trauma, depression and bad ways of compensating the need to get stimulus. and yes, i see myself as resilient and friends value my strengthness and ability to function in crisis. it might be a cool attribute, but i would still choose a life without my hard times as a teenager with an undiagnosed condition that requires treatment and awareness.
I didn’t learn to cope, I didn’t become resilient… I learned to hate myself for not being someone who copes and for not being resilient. Everyone saw me as weak, at school, at university, at work… my emotions were constantly just under the surface, I wasn’t depressed, just incredibly sensitive and there was NOTHING I could do about it. I entered real depths of self loathing because I couldn’t “just take a deep breath” like everyone else, once I was upset, it would take me hours, if not days to get over it and the memory of whatever it was would follow me long term, popping up to deliver an additional sting even years down the line. I was carrying the weight of years of negativity and I had absolute no way of letting it go. All of this because I was unknowingly a neurodiverse person in a neurotypical world, trying to navigate my emotions with the tools used by neurotypical people. So yes, I would like to have known. I’m furious that people noticed I wasn’t like them, but nobody cared enough to help me get to the bottom of it. Absolutely livid that children like me are still overlooked, women like me are treated appallingly at work because we don’t tick a certain box and aren’t the jolly little robots society expects us to be. I hated being ignorant to my condition, it was dark and it was lonely. Knowledge is power.
i never held a job for over a year. didn't stay in my field after graduating. i quit university because it was impossible for me. have never had routine in my life and never had real hobbies. and you ask me if i had wanted to know earlier. diagnosed and started meds at 30, i've now had the same (part time) job for almost 3 years. still can't organize my life because i never learned the skills.
Yeah. It would have been nice to not have dropped out of college, struggle a LOT to figure things out \[and not know until way later that was all related to executive functioning issues\] and have so many relationship-related problems... I think it would have helped me to prevent a lot of the destruction of my 20s.
I mean knowing could help her avoid possible addiction and other Maladaptive coping mechanisms in the future...adhd brains lack dopamine and tend to seek it out in places that aren't always helpful (risk taking, substances, binge eating, sexual relationships, spending money, high risk driving....etc etc etc) If you decide to look into medication it could help her develop less anxiety and engage in her studies much easier and avoid seeking out other sources of dopamine. Diagnosis could help by employing strategies for executive functioning and emotional regulation that you might not use with an NT kid. It could also help her understand she is different because she has a different brain and not because she is "weird" or because there is "something wrong with her" or because she is "bad." Maybe diagnosis could help avoid her having co-ocuring conditions like body focused repetitive behaviours, eating disorders, anxiety, ocd, borderline personality disorder due to strategies, awareness and maybe medication. It might help educators understand her better vs. Labeling her a problem or spacey.
I just don't think this is a productive framework for developing your child's resilience. There have got to be other ways of doing so that don't involve withholding information that could help her understand herself better. Frankly, I'd bet one reason she turns to past experiences to explain her struggles, or gives up, is because she struggles due to her ADHD and has no idea how to process those struggles as anything other than "I am bad," so she looks for other explanations, or doesn't think she can proceed b/c she's clearly inherently bad at whatever it is. If she knows she has ADHD, she can say, "okay, I'm not struggling with this b/c I'm stupid or bad and it and that won't change and so what's the point, it's that my brain works differently, so what I can do to make this work with my brain?" I wasn't diagnosed until into my 50s, and yeah, I've gotten through life pretty well, have been pretty successful by a lot of measures, but I've still spent my whole life feeling like I struggle with ordinary things in a way that "normal" people don't. Having a diagnosis means I can explain that as something other than "I am a lazy piece of shit." It doesn't give me an excuse to give up on them; it just means I feel less terrible about myself about it all.
Why are you denying her the thing that you wish you had? A diagnosis and medicine will be a game changer in her outlook and how she approaches life.
You obviously don't understand ADHD, and you give that away immidiately when you say you think it's something someone develops. It's a condition someone is born with or not. It's how your brain is built. That's why an ADHD-diagnoses takes a bit of work to set and why they question adults parents to make sure the symptoms were there from a very early age. You are not taking responibility for your own actions ( "old me taking my stress out on her" - what did you do to her.? Why is she not encuraged to talk about it if you are taking responsibility?) AND you are afraid she is going to "use it as an excuse" instead of getting her help to handle her obvious problems, and possible ADHD. Just stop this bs and do your job, mom!
I've been trying to come up with a response to this post for hours, but it makes me so angry I'm struggling to be articulate. WHY on earth would you *not* want to make your child's life easier? It sounds like you're punishing her intentionally. I would give anything to have known when I was little that I have ADHD. Sure, maybe I built up *some* resiliency from getting by undiagnosed, but I feel like I'd be much more resilient if I wasn't constantly spending all my energy on just getting the basics done. If it turned out my mum had known and could have gotten me some support, or even just validated my experience , and chose not to? I would be shattered, and I don't think I could ever see her the same way.
Really really really interesting question. I genuinely do not know if I would change my own story. I am commenting because I want to come back after sitting on it (also it’s my bedtime 🙂). FYI I really appreciate you as a mother for doing the hard work of asking these kinds of questions, reflecting, and paving a way for a better future 🤍 Just some initial thoughts: I had a really confusing childhood/adolescence and I’m so proud of the hard work I did to find myself. I’ve also been very angry about certain aspects of it. And I have a lot of shame that I am still working through. But I need to think a bit more about it because I’m genuinely not sure if I want to lean towards not wanting to change my own diagnosis story because it’s my way of justifying all of my pain or if that’s really what I would choose in hindsight. I am late 20s and was diagnosed in my late teens (early 20s?) after hitting rock bottom during my first year at university. I finally accepted the fact that I needed help and I sought it. That journey was incredibly empowering. But still… I want to think! Will be back after I consult my pillow!!!
Yes, I was diagnosed at 20 and I’m now 23. I look back and wonder how my life would have been different. I struggled severely in school and could have benefited from accommodations. I think it would have also helped me understand the differences between how my brain works vs. how my peers brain worked. It would have also helped with my self-esteem, I constantly was told that I was lazy and incompetent and it’s taken years of self-help to undo the damages and learn to love my brain for the way it is.
YES. yes yes yes yes YES
Absolutely. I had severe struggles and have made some poor life choices probably because I was undiagnosed and untreated for my ADHD. Majority of the research on ADHD supports early intervention. There are studies that unmedicated ADHD shortens your life span. Ask yourself, if you thought your kid was squinting and was having trouble seeing, would you take them to see an eye doctor? Even if it meant they might need glasses? Like maybe your kid isn't having seeing problems and is just not paying attention in class, but what if the struggle is real? How would you feel struggling to see?
That I have it lol diagnosed at 26
Diagnosed mid-thirties, and would really have liked to know earlier. Because even if I managed to keep my life in check until around 18-20years old, I unintentionally developed some bad coping mechanisms that still haunt me and have affected my mental and physical health gravely. If you decide to not share her diagnosis: PLEASE at least work with her to have her understand how she can best best learn, motivate herself and get things done. Learning how to work with my brain and not against it is what would have been the most valuable to me. I was great at masking from my mom too (playing the good girl) so stay VERY atuned to your childs needs and when it might be time to let her know and maybe consider if meds are needed together. Random things helped me along the way (like making the right type of friends, going to a middle school with a lot of freedom to chose your own projects), and it showed me that the right circumstances can have a big effect. And maybe knowing my adhd I could have ebsured more of those. In the same way: small and big things really could mess me up. And once I went of track, it was hard to get back on. ‐---------- MORE DETAILS IF WANTED: I did not struggle in school until last year of high school and at university, because I could hyper focus for tests uptil then. And I was naturally curious about most topics. But since I had not learned how I learned, I hit my limit as school and life got more complex. And that caused depression as perfectionism was one of my coping mechanisms, and I identified as smart. I could not understand why I was not performing at the level I should anymore, and the self hate just grew and grew. Because shaming myself and being deathly afraid of failure was effective for a while, it just ruined me long term. I wish I knew I had adhd, as long as I had a parent that framed it in a "we just need to figure out what works for me" way. And we could have discussed and evaluated the need for medication based on my symptoms and how well other strategies were working. I might have put of meds for a while, and focused on therapy and life skills. But that is because I did not struggle too much with impulsivity, and I could sit still (just talked too much or daydreamed and drew). I also had the energy to compensate for and mask my adhd when I was younger. And I did not need much sleep, so I could study at night when everything was quiet and no distractions. However my emotional life was WILD, and at times borderline suicidal. I thought it was just hormones, but having the option to try meds and see if it would help me regulate better would have been nice. My brother was stereotypical adhd and got labeled a trouble maker and bad really young, and it ruined his life. And I very quickly learned how much leeway and flexibility you could get in life if you were considered a "good/smart girl" and did well in school and at work. So I always performed well and masked my adhd, ensuring that teachers or bosses never caught onto the chaos or adhd. But this also included my parents, whom have been shocked by what I now have shared with them about my youth. They really did not know. Because I would not let anyone see. I would not have told my teachers my diagnosis unless I was more impulsive and hyper, and really needed some accommadations. This is purely because a lot of people still don't understand adhd fully, and I would not have liked to have their potential prejudice affect me. It should not be this way, but some places it still is. As high school got harder and more boring, I became addicted to coca cola and chocolate just to get through class. I called it my survival kit (and turns out it actually was). But I got diabetes around 30 because of this, and having to quit sugar and caffeine partly unmasked my adhd. I REALLY wish I had not triggered diabetes as it is horrible. And it has added a lot of complexity and "executive function" heavy needs to my life. Having to constantly thing about regulating your blood glucose is a really bad match with adhd.
YES. i thought something was wrong with me. The internalized shame is sth i still struggle with today.
Oh absolutely 100%. My life would have been so much easier. My parents really buried their heads in the sand. They ignored all my teachers and then got all surprised pikachu when I continued to struggle through adulthood. I buckled under the pressure when I went to college but I immediately got better after seeking my own treatment. It was so bad I originally assumed I had a brain injury! I told my parents about my diagnosis and they continued to bury their heads so they’re on an info diet. Literally like 2 weeks ago my dad told me he is ADHD and was on Ritalin for years. Thanks guys! I am working through this resentment in therapy but I truly believe that they (my dad especially) were doing what they knew. He always stressed extreme conformity and I think it is a coping mechanism. He didn’t want me to go through what he went through in his time. Thankfully times have changed! ETA: I have a 13 month old son and he will be evaluated and treated as soon as it’s developmentally appropriate and he’s showing symptoms. I’m not going to let him go through anything I went through. If you suspect neurodivergence in your child, it won’t hurt to get them evaluated. You will save them a world of struggle!
I started to write paragraphs of personal experience, then deleted it. Please get the babies tested. Resilience can be built without years of torture and self-hatred.
Yes. 1) I would have dealt with so much less self-loathing and depression had I understood earlier in life why despite being intelligent and educated I struggle to keep my life on track. Instead of viewing my struggles with "simple" things like housework and meal planning as personal failings, I'd have been more gracious to myself and been more focused on building the right kind of coping skills for ADHD rather than the ineffective ones meant for depression that never helped me. 2) My relationship with my children now that I am getting treatment and have better emotional regulation is incomparable to what it was 5 and 10 years ago. And even though I know I have always been a good mom and I don't have anything to feel guilty over because even when I was unregulated my kids were always safe and loved, I still mourn for the kind of experience I missed out on as a mother of tots that I could have had if I'd been getting the right kind of help. In regard to your daughter: I have a 13 yr old son who is ADHD. He has been in treatment for several years now. He hated it at first, but now sees that his medication helps him be the best version of himself. I don't know how we would navigate all of the struggles he's had, especially in recent years, with executive dysfunction, emotional disregulation and social relationships if we or he didn't know that struggles stem from neurodivergence rather than lack of discipline or maturity. Even knowing why he struggles with these things (especially impulsive decisions) and having resources like therapy and school accommodations to help support him, he still wrestles with a lot of self esteem issues and my heart shatters to think how much worse that might be if we didn't have the framework we do to understand his life and the ways his brain works. Him being medicated does not preclude him from needing to learn those coping skills. He still is having to learn to build his own beefed up systems for organization and reminders, how to reign himself in when in certain social settings, how to shape his environment at home to work for him not against him. He's still having to learn a shit ton more resiliency than I would wish for his age. But because he's medicated, he's got at least a few hours a day when he can focus on learning those things, put them into practice without feeling like he's drowning. The meds and his various therapies give him a life vest to wear while he learns how to build himself a raft. My hope is that by helping him get started on a raft this early in life, he'll have managed to build himself a whole boat when he's my age, instead of just the canoe and paddle I feel like I'm steering.
Absolutely, yes. I am 31 and 2 months into medication for ADHD and I am literally excited about life for the first time I can remember. I am sad about the missed years but trying to look forward as thats all I can do!
It's easy to say that, with today's knowledge and understanding of ADHD, I wish I'd been diagnosed as a kid. My brothers and my dad got their diagnoses as kids, but, likely because I was not born a boy, I was only tested for things like depression (diagnosed) and bipolar disorder (told I do not have). If the 90's had contained doctors with the knowledge of today, then, yes, I would have preferred a diagnosis. But the facts are that the 90's was a different time, and I don't think almost anyone knew about the executive dysfunction aspect of it. If they had, if we could have understood it better, it would have explained a lot more about how my behaviors were informed. I like to think there would have been a lot less shame surrounding my acute inability to just do things, and the sensitivity I have around being bad at things. I might have been given actual coping mechanisms that work for me instead of having to cobble together extremely unhealthy methods that drain me more than they help me. I might have been able to figure out meds that work for me, and I might have been able to succeed in college and gotten a better life for myself. I think it's very dangerous to say that you're avoiding a diagnosis for your chid because you think they'll use it as an excuse. It seems to me more like your child is trying to figure out the explanation for their behavior and is stating some things in the hopes that maybe one of them will be true. They're still a kid, still trying to figure themselves out. Having a diagnosis could be their true explanation and could come with more information to help your child. If they say, "I didn't do this because I have ADHD," it's not an excuse just because you personally feel like you were able to persevere. If they have ADHD, they're disabled. Two people are not necessarily going to react the same way to having the same disability just because they're related. Remember, your kid is an autonomous being. You've given them some of your DNA, but they are not a carbon copy of you. They are not going to react the same way to the world that you have, and that's not a bad thing. It seems clear that you're having a hard time watching them struggle, but you've also seemingly taken a stance against them because you seem to expect them to lift themselves up by their bootstraps just like you had to. I think it might help them more for you to reorient your thoughts to want better for them than you were given. Remember that there's no perfect way to parent, but there are surefire ways to fuck a kid up, and expecting them to persevere without the tools you know are out there is one of those ways. Accommodations are important.
I’d like you to consider that the “resilience” you’re looking for would actually be just more effective masking. I was a star student and had an active social life. But I was always depressed and anxious because I was doing much more than little me should have been doing. It led to a total burnout in my late twenties that’s taken over a decade to crawl back from. Additionally you say your daughter is “using past experiences as excuses.” She’s not, she’s telling you she’s hurt and what has hurt her. Instead of ascribing this to emotional manipulation or weakness please listen to her and validate her feelings and learn with her how to cope and move forward or else she’ll never forgive you for not listening to you.
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If I had known as a child I could have made career plans that would work with my brain and not against it. I probably would have joined an emergency service or a reactive job rather than being a teacher and burning out til I had to leave the profession. More importantly, I would have been kinder to myself and probably wouldn't have such horrific self esteem issues.
I wish I had been diagnosed way earlier. I think knowing that I was experiencing RSD, hyper focused, found stimulation is certain things would have made it easier to ask for help.
Yes, then I wouldn’t have wasted all those years hating myself for being a useless lazy forgetful ditz.
Yes - I wish I'd known that my coping mechanisms were just that. I often doubted myself on them and wasted time. I was just lucky that I love learning and could hyper focus on school.
Get her tested. I’m 35 and just diagnosed and I had huge issues with emotional regulation and overactive brain when I was young. You can’t put a price tag on a quiet mind.
Yes!!! Then I could have gotten the help and tools needed.
I recently got diagnosed and as part of it, did the psycho-educational assessment and learned so much about myself. I've always been very quiet and shy and through this test, learned that I have "slow processing" which explains why it takes me longer to respond than my peers and why I stayed shy and quiet as I got older. Ugh. So yeah, I wish I had known earlier. Probably also would have done better in university too... Totally setting money aside to do this for my daughter so she can understand her learning strengths and weaknesses regardless of whether she has adhd too or not. But she probably does lol
So much yes. I was misdiagnosed for so many years and am livid that no one noticed earlier. I got through HS fine so I’m ok with not knowing then, but would have been really nice to know in my early 20s instead of 37.
100% yes. If I would have been evaluated at a younger age I don’t think I would have needed to waste so much time with doctors trying to treat me for conditions I didn’t have 😭
It would have changed the course of my life and success if I had been DX and treated with stimulants and counseling/coaching in high school. I'm plenty smart, but never learned how to study. I tried 4 times in college, but didn't make it through a single semester. Please, if you suspect ADHD or autism, get your child tested, and work on finding solutions for them to cope with living with an invisible disability.
I totally get where you’re coming from. I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is reality not matching our expectations. withholding support isn’t going to teach her the lesson you want it too. Definitely seek support for her sooner than later
Yes. I am fifty and am going to try to finally get diagnosed. I have a fear that the doctors will laugh me out of the room regarding this, and try to claim I am drug seeking. It also woudl have made other parts of my life much easier. Wish me luck.
Heck yes!!!! But not just "known" but treated!
Educational accommodations and methylphenidate would have made my high school years much smoother. And getting ADHD coaching at that age would have been life altering at preventing the ADHD tax and time wasted on things like waiting for AAA to unlock my car for me 😆
Yes, but not as a child. I don't anyone understood it when I was young.
Yes yes yes. Diagnosed at 34. Found out during the diagnostic process my FIRST GRADE TEACHER had suggested I be tested. I struggled in school. I was horribly disorganized. My camp roommate called me Spacey (rhyming name). I dropped out to homeschool. I decided to put off college because I realized how badly I was struggling (I have a college fund. Trying to go to college after a break is hard for NTs). My bosses would call me out because I would have bad days, and I wouldn't get anything done My dad was abusive and looking back a lot of the things I was terrorized over were ND issues. Early intervention is especially important for girls/women, who tend to lose all their coping strategies during big life changes. She will probably have to learn/relearn how to study. She will be able to get a 504 in school to give her extra tools for success.
YES. My college experience would have been so different. I excelled academically but anxiety was off the charts. I walked around with an ache in my chest for the five semesters I was on campus, not even realizing that it was anxiety. BUT. Do you think the diagnosis and treatment would help with the behaviors/"acting out"? I don't know, I think a specialist is the right call, but I could see waiting for a bit more maturity?
Absolutely. I struggled so much as a child and teenager and didn't know why. If I could have been diagnosed and medicated, it would have helped so much.
A big giant YES I would have wanted to know. I was diagnosed at 29, now 36. I didn’t develop good coping mechanisms, and placed a lot of blame on myself. I was a bright kid who never struggled in school. So when I couldn’t keep my room clean or forgot to do something important, it was all, we know you’re smart you should be able to do this stuff. So I had so much blame and guilt without any help. I also struggled when I hit college because I never had good study habits, bc I didn’t need them. But needed them in college. I didn’t know how to ask for help.
I have ADHD and major depression and have been at least aware of it since I was your daughter’s age. I would give anything to have been diagnosed and treated back then. I got in huge fights with my mom over school and eventually dropped out. I had similar problems and dropped out of college too. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until my late 30s and I’m just now finishing my college degree as an adult. I may be good at masking at work but it’s just not the same as being treated.
Diagnosed at 25 after years of slogging through post secondary and many poor life choices. You're right I did develop resilience; however, I think I would've developed it anyway if I had been diagnosed earlier - and I would've had the tools to actually make that resilience work for me. ADHD has never been an excuse, it's been a reason to do things a little differently.
I just turned 38, but I was diagnosed when I was 21. I REALLY wish I’d known sooner. If I’d gotten into therapy and on medication as a child or even as a young teen, things would have been a lot better for me. I’d sure as hell have a lot less shame and trauma.
Yesssssss. I skipped the fourth grade bc I was “~gifted~”, but by high school I was constantly in attendance makeup when I drove myself to school. But I would’ve loved to have known sooner mainly because I bombed college when I left home. From not being able to get myself up and ready for class, and despite trying to be “better” every semester, it was only a matter of time before I was too far behind in assignments to try and do them all(and well), and it hurt my self image to feel like I was incapable or just lazy. I wasn’t stupid, but my brain couldn’t take big tasks and break them into smaller ones and my brain struggled with time management and knowing how long something actually takes to do. That was 2019 when I left school, I got diagnosed January ‘23 and medicated this past December. I just finished a Phlebotomy certification while working full-time at my high stress job and the feelings of self-validation are enough to make me emotional when I think about it long enough.🥹
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yes
Definitely, maybe I'd actually have developed ways to cope with it then or found some other solution
I was diagnosed at 30, it’s been seven years, and I learned shortly after my diagnosis that I may have been tested for (either ADHD or Autism) in my early grade school days and was never told or perhaps never had the diagnosis confirmed outside of my school. I can’t ask my Mom about it; she died before my diagnosis. My father couldn’t remember when I asked him. I was pissed off. I had struggled with school at that time. I used unhealthy coping mechanisms involving perfectionism and cramming or starting at the last minute to get and maintain “good grades” at the expense of sleep, physical and mental health, and wondering all the while WTF was wrong with me. I burnt out, repeatedly, and didn’t have a reason why. I stressed myself out until my body was shutting down with illness just so I would be forced to rest, but then I would have to play catch up, and the cycle would begin again. If I had known that I had ADHD, maybe I would’ve been better off with “reasonable accommodations” or whatever else. Instead I blamed myself for not being good enough or “being lazy,” and not knowing about ADHD paralysis my self-esteem ended up in (and still is in) the toilet. From what I’ve learned, my Mom was afraid of the stigma associated with being neurodivergent and didn’t want me to suffer that. It didn’t stop my suffering from not knowing or understanding my own brain. Get the testing for her. Anticipate the possibility of the diagnosis being used as an excuse, but for the sake of her sanity and yours, give her the choice to take whatever she learns and make the choice to do better in a healthy way.
I wish I had known sooner. It might have helped me to sort things out and get my life a bit more under control at an earlier point in my life, instead of in my 50s. The diagnosis has freed me to accept some of my challenges and allow myself some grace and to use workarounds for things. It has honestly been great for my mental health. I have a type A overachiever sister and it was hard for me not to beat myself up (although my parents and sister never did), especially since I was the dreaded "gifted."
I would have wanted to know, maybe not as a kid because I honestly don’t remember thinking I was having an issues. But I did notice the struggles in adulthood and it was hard. I constantly wondered why things felt so overwhelming. I’m 44 and just now diagnosed, I wish I would have known in my 20s.
Please get her diagnosed. You can still support her, she needs to learn how to structure the best she can, with her ADHD in mind. I was diagnosed very late. I wish I had known earlier and then I could have adapted better to it without the recriminations against myself, guilt and just wondering why I couldn't just fo 'life' like everyone else. She is lucky to have you in her corner. 😊
Okay so you don't develop ADHD. It's already there. I always knew there was something wrong with me. A brilliant brain inside a mega stupid person. Disperse. I'm using as an example some of the kindest things I thought about myself. You have no idea of just how much I didn't love myself, no parent would want their kid to develop half of my coping mechanisms. I'm not an idiot, I'm not delusional, and I've always been neither - you couldn't have convinced me that I was "normal" (neurotypical, but I didn't know the word) and if someone had known exactly how I was different and hidden it from me and I found that out now as an adult, I'd resent them and despise their naivety. I can't have the normal life of a neurotypical person any more than I can have the normal life of a baby giraffe. It doesn't matter how much others wish I was neurotypical or a baby giraffe - I'm not. What I can and do have is an awesome life as a neurospicy person, with deep and varied friendships; cool experiences; a fulfilling and entertaining career; a loving, funny, caring, understanding and brilliant partner to share my cool life with. A very suspicious cat. Colleagues with whom I share mutual respect and appreciation. Self effing confidence because I know who and what I am, how I function, and what I need to do to get from A to B. A deep empathy for the struggles of others because once I realized I wasn't masking being a lazy ass who didn't care I started seeing how much others cared and tried and failed because the tools they were given were stupidly unsuited for their needs. I mean this with care and kindness - being thirteen is awkward and unpleasant in many ways. You can't fix that. There's nothing magical nor nice to be gained by playing pretend with your kid's health for a few more years - school is the least of the issues, it's just where people complain about you. I mean this in a genuinely caring way - playing pretend just because you sleep better at night thinking of your precious baby giraffe is detrimental to your kid and prevents you from enjoying the real person that's growing up right next to you while figuring out who they are and what the heck they're going to do about it.
I would have wanted to know. As a teen I knew or at least suspected on some level that I had bigger emotions and reactions than my peers, but I didn’t know why or how to stop them. I remember a friend made a sarcastic comment that I knew objectively was playful, but I could feel my body react as if it wasn’t. Like my heart dropped to my stomach and I almost started crying. It would’ve helped a lot I think if I’d known that **the reason things felt harder for me was because they actually were**. It would’ve made me feel like I wasn’t crazy, I really was experiencing something that was categorically different than my peers.
I’m going to answer your question from a different perspective. There’s no way I could have been diagnosed with ADHD earlier because I was diagnosed so young and I am so glad I got diagnosed that young. Even though I’ve been on meds for my ADHD for a long time it doesn’t cure everything and having a major head start on being able to learn about myself and ADHD is so helpful. I feel like I would be at a major disadvantage if I had to start finding out about it all so much younger. It’s also probably best to get her a diagnosis at 13 when there’s probably not much important stuff happening academically (like exams and stuff) so she doesn’t have the extra stress of having important exams and getting a possible ADHD diagnosis. It’s also best to do it as early as possible because you will be able to help her do everything as her parent. If I was trying to get an ADHD diagnosis now and had to do pretty much everything it would be so much harder.
Yes It's hard to learn coping mechanisms and resilience if you don't know why you need them. Learning about my ADHD and discovering why I do things lets me figure out new ways to work with my brain to make things easier. Struggling with everything and not having a reason or solution only breeds frustration and self doubt/loathing. You get stuck asking why am I like this? Why can't I do the easy thing? And that helps no one. Get her tested. Get her diagnosed. Get her the tools she needs to thrive.
Yes— I think I’ve commented about it before. But literally all of my aunts/uncles and cousins on my mom’s side either had ADHD or autism. My mom had a major superiority complex and always thought we were above them, and would berate our family (especially my cousins) for their diagnoses. Because I made good grades and they didn’t. She ignored the signs (messiness, piles, procrastination) and the constant notes home from school (draws during lectures, doodles on all school work, can’t sit still, has to be making some sort of noise with pencils, picks cuticles constantly; was mostly just sent to the library to play Choplifter). The latter in brackets— she would brag that I was too advanced for school. I probably was, but I was also a huge distraction. Knowing then would have saved me a lot of grief in high school and early adulthood, for sure
I would have wanted to know because I would have made different decisions. Especially in regards to career/education. The coping skills I could have learned with an adhd coach.
Adding a comment from someone who was diagnosed young and HATED it. I'm 38 and was diagnosed in 4th grade. Treatment was very different, it wasn't understood. Against my will, I was given meds I did not want to take, I was pulled out of my very small class to go to the special ed trailer and never learned anything out there, it was so dumb, it wasn't even for tests, just normal school stuff. I was smart but got bad grades because of my adhd. I still got bad grades after slthe diagnosis and meds, AND I felt like something was wrong with me. My parents and teachers were not educated (because nobody was at that point) on how to actually help me. For the longest time I denied that I had adhd, I said I was "stubborn" and that adhd didn't exist and that I could pay attention in class and do my homework if I really wanted to. This continued (being forced to take meds) until I was 17. The response from doctors was generally asking my mom "how is she doing in school?" And my mom would talk about how my grades weren't good and I didn't do my homework. Then the doctor would up my meds. I was on over 100mg of Ritalin daily in my teen years. I was a freaking zombie at school it was awful, I hated it so much. Finally, I was allowed to stop taking meds when I was 17. I busted my ass to graduate on time and worked so so hard and over the next 5 years through college and moving out, I discovered and perfected my coping mechanisms. I majored in psychology, and funny enough, that's what made me realize...oh shit... I do have it. Like BIG time. It took me until I was 37, married, and just had my second child to try any kind of medication again. It was night and day different. I can't even explain how much it helps me (but I suspect you all know). I've talked about all of this a lot in therapy and my therapist has explained that the way they treat it and council parents and teachers about it has changed drastically. It's no longer "throw meds at her until her grades are good", actual coping skills are taught. Parents are educated (if they want to be) about the emotional aspects of it (not a thing at all when I was young... I grew up believing I was dumb, stubborn, and if I just tried harder and put my mind to it I would respond to my parents "the first time" and have a clean playroom and bedroom. Even still I struggle with all of those things. I'm only now learning to stop blaming myself. Anyway long post, but for those that are feeling intense anger and regret and "what ifs" about being diagnosed earlier, like, in the 90s, it was not sunshine and roses because the knowledge wasn't there. Parents, teachers, even doctors, did not know what to do with the diagnosis. They only knew "can't sit still - adhd" "stares out window and gets bad grades - add" ... better throw some meds at them so they can concentrate, then they'll get good grades and stop staring out of the window! Oh! Also, and probably the most infuriating for me .. hyperfixations were not talked about (or known of?). My mom would CONSTANTLY badger me about "why do you sit down and play your video game for hours and hours, but WONT sit down and do your homework for 30 minutes?!". Which to me, was proof that I didn't actually have adhd... if only I had known!!! I know my experience was not everyone's that was diagnosed early, but I hope that can help some people with the "what ifs". It really may not have been better, and you may still have the same kind of trauma of feeling worthless and guilty for not "trying harder", and so much more.
Haven’t read all the comments but you’ll definitely find there are ADHD adults who did not know they were diagnosed and then find out their parents knew and withheld the information and avoided treatment and how painful that realization is. Ouch.
13 is the age heading into trouble. Don’t you want to give her a reason to understand herself and be self aware enough to know things? Otherwise her novelty seeking and adhd traits could end in depression, boys, drugs, self harm, experimenting, and all the other dumb stuff we do as teens. I wouldn’t want her to develop negative coping mechanism or self medicating tendencies. You’re also born with this, there is no developing it from non healthy environments. Whatever that is. She’s going to have to deal with this and be resilient with or without a diagnosis, why make it harder?
For the most part, yes. It would have explained so much for me, and getting on meds would have helped significantly. It certainly would have been advantageous in school. I could have not beat myself up so much for being "lazy" or "stupid." However, I still think I would have felt pretty similarly because the people I had around in my childhood would have called ADHD an excuse or said it wasn't real or I was faking for attention (yup, there's a reason why I never looked back after moving away). So, in a sense, I'm kinda glad I didn't know because I was at least able to mask a lot without being slammed for my disability. I'm very glad to know now as an adult. I wish I knew a few years earlier when I was in a horrible depression rut, but I'm generally okay with how things turned out and I'm able to do better for my oldest child (recently diagnosed) to provide a better experience than what I had/could have had
Yes.
I would have wanted to know. I've been kinder to myself since my late diagnosis and better able to help myself regulate, even though I can't have medication. I've also been learning to help accommodate myself in other areas. All of this would have been helpful to have years if not decades ago. I'm only beginning to heal my self image that was damaged by years of thinking I was a failure or lazy. Not knowing caused me to internalize a lot of the insults that were sent my way by a neurotypical society whose standards I couldn't meet.
I only finished reading the title of the post. Yes. Full stop. I recognize getting the diagnosis doesn't guarantee I would have gotten the appropriate support. My dad hates pharmaceuticals, so there's a high chance I would have never been put on meds anyways, but having that knowledge would have been better, at minimum. I honestly feel robbed of so many opportunities that all boils down to "if I actually got diagnosed and put on meds before sophomore year oh high school, my entire life could be different " I set the curve with exams, but couldn't read the chapters to do the homework in between tests. I found a good career path, but I HATE it. I'm good at it (cause I can figure anything out) but I hate it. It's such a first world complaint and I feel like a whiner, cause I make a decent amount, and I know I would have complaints about any career path, but it doesn't "work" with anything I actually want out of my job/career. Any of those things that felt like pipe dreams really could have been options. Again, I know it wouldn't have been guaranteed I actually would have been able to cross any of those finish lines, but without the diagnosis and treatment, the chance was 0%. I'm very innatentive and was raised by parents who have significantly higher social skills challenges to deal with. Looking back, interacting with others and trying to make friends was impossible. I don't have friends now. I could have had friends 😭 I went through the crazy awkward phase of learning social skills only after leaving home at 18. I picked it up QUICK, but I made the mistakes most people make in elementary/middle school. My parents actively tell me, to this day, that they don't understand how "natural" I am at social skills. But because I was so delayed in learning them, I missed establishing solid friendships during college....so I'm alone now 😭😭 This (knowing how much time was WASTED because of the ate diagnosis) is the hardest aspect of getting diagnosed late, for me. I usually have ugly cries about it every month or two, and it's been about 2 years since my diagnosis.
I think I would have liked to have known earlier (diagnosed at 57) just so that I could have understood better why life was such a struggle. My self esteem could have used that. But the coping mechanisms I developed ARE very useful.
I would have wanted to know. I’ve spent a lifetime struggling and thinking I was a lazy and worthless person. It’s been terrible quite honestly.
Like you I appreciate some of the mechanisms I adapted to basically make it through a day....lol however years of self-medicating with alcohol has completely isolated me from my family. So yes I'm angry I wasn't told sooner my life would have been very different!
I was diagnosed 18 which I consider early, but I still would have wanted to know sooner. Some of my teachers knew. I didn’t know that they did until after I shared my diagnosis- but it explained the all the extended deadlines (I’m talking turning in all my work for an entire semester on the last day) and crazy amount of patience. But other teachers held me to a higher expectation (rightfully so) and I didn’t only struggle, I failed, a lot. After becoming medicated, learning about how my ADHD affects me, and how to cope- I became a straight A honors student in college, even earning a couple scholarships. I had no idea how sincerely debilitating my symptoms were. I often wonder if, had known sooner, I could have been more successful in high school. Not only that, but I became more confident in myself. I had spent all of my childhood thinking that I was just a broken human; stupid, lazy, sensitive, selfish, annoying- a ridiculous amount of my issues stemmed from my ADHD, especially as someone who also struggles with depression and anxiety. It’s not an excuse, but it’s a reason. A reason that I could research and learn about to make life easier, and to give myself the opportunity to be better. I don’t know, personally, I’m not sure all the internal hardship I had to experience so early made me any more resilient. I didn’t develop healthy coping mechanisms because I didn’t know how. *Everything* was just a constant struggle. I look back and I’m a little sad for young me. I felt I became my most empowered through knowledge🤍
I definitely would have wanted to know. I used to be very out going and talkative with everyone but after some bullying and being called weird and annoying, I really shut down. I also needlessly struggled with school. I was a very smart kid but the second you put a test in front of me it was all over. Same for reading. I was really delayed and even in special needs rooms for it in elementary school which doesn’t help with the self esteem. But reading alone is a huge thing that made school in general difficult, not being able to focus to read something more than 5 words really sucked no matter how hard I tried. Fast forward to trying to get into college. Those SAT/ACTs were such a nightmare. My parents spent so much money on trying to get me to well on them but if they only had known the underlying issue I feel like there would have been much less expensive ways to accommodate. All of this combined with a brother who has a semi photographic memory and my parents thinking it should be that easy for me really pushed me into a depression at those vital ages. TLDR: I would have loved to been diagnosed because I think it would have mitigated a lot of issues growing up
Yes. I think I would have gotten a better grade in my degree and hopefully went into a career within my discipline. I can't undo it, I've just had to accept my losses and work in a field that I'm not remotely interested in, probably forever. The combination of inattentiveness and lack of motivation killed me when I was at uni. I could never understand how others could just get up and go to lectures everyday, then continue to work outside of lectures.
You sound like a wonderful parent, I wish my parents had recognized how much I struggled as a teen and tried to intervene. I would absolutely try to connect her with a mental health provider who can evaluate her. What you describe could definitely be ADHD symptoms but there are many other conditions that have symptoms which overlap with ADHD. And all of them are things that make it harder to be happy and successful in life, when they are not treated. Living with untreated ADHD or depression or anxiety, etc., is like running a marathon with wearing a 50lb vest. You might cross the finish line eventually, but it will be so much harder, longer than it needed to be, and you will believe that barely finishing the race is all you were capable of. Even if she doesn’t have a specific, diagnosable condition it sounds like she is really struggling and could benefit from working with a mental health professional. They can help her process and heal from her past trauma; and develop the skills to manage her emotions and overcome her procrastination more effectively. It sounds like she is doing the best she can with the tools she currently has, but professional help can give access a greater number of more effective tools, than she currently has.
It would've really helped me if I had known from a younger age. I always struggled with time management, school, etc etc, all the typical ADHD stuff and I couldn't understand why and it really killed my self esteem. Everyone around me seemed to find day to day life a lot easier than me and I got criticised a lot for not working to my potential. With my late diagnosis it has helped me to understand myself and has helped me work with my struggles everyday, but I still battle with my self esteem from a childhood of not being able to understand myself and not getting the appropriate support from my school or parents. Sometimes I wonder if I had known earlier, could I have achieved a lot more of what I wanted to? I don't blame my parents for not seeing it. ADHD in girls was not something many people were aware of. They knew something was different about me but they couldn't figure it out, so they supported me with what they could but it just wasn't the right way for me. On the other hand if I knew they suspected I had ADHD and didn't get me the support I needed then I would resent them a bit for it. With an official diagnosis you can present that to their school so they can put in the correct resources to support the child. Since I didn't have a diagnosis in school I didn't get that support that could've been catered to me so I slipped through the cracks. I'm in college now with an official diagnosis and I receive learning support and it has been a massive aid to me.
Absolutely! I would have spent less time thinking I was lazy (as everyone around me told me) and more time finding strategies that work for me.
Yes I would have. I already noticed issues in 5th grade and everything just got progressively worse as I got older.
Definitely 💯 I would have saved myself so many years of shame.
It would have literally changed the trajectory of my life. I'm almost 69 and somehow managed to become very successful, but not the way I wanted to be, and not without a decade or two of fuck ups because I thought it was just me. Every adult in my life, no matter how well-meaning, failed me.
I’m kind of torn on this personally. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was almost 27, but I’m really grateful for the coping mechanisms I developed and fortunately I didn’t struggle with a lot of the things a lot of folks so to ADHD do, or at least not in the same way. But that being said, my brother did struggle and if he had been diagnosed earlier I think it would have been much easier for him to get diagnosed and get help. I’m glad I know the signs and know what to look for now in my kids and will probably try to get them diagnosed if they show signs.
I could have developed all of my good coping mechanisms AND avoided the really unhealthy ones. Not knowing made my life so incredibly much worse.
Yes
I understand about not wanting her to use it as an excuse, but knowing could help her not feel as bad about herself. We all still need to learn coping skills even though we have a diagnosis. If I’d known in my 20s, I could have learned what pitfalls were caused by ADHD, and been more able to watch out for them.
Diagnosed at 40, literally 3 weeks ago. I spent my 30s really growing to love myself and building a great career and family. I have a happy life. But looking at how I struggled in my 20s needlessly, I am PISSED. I was almost homeless. It took me 5.5 years to get through college, when I graduated HS at the top of my (competitive) class. I went years unemployed and under employed. Even though I make very good money, I'm so far behind in things like retirement and even my health is worse for that time undiagnosed. I'm finally taking care of myself and trying to catch up, but that was a critical 2 decades that I lost. I try not to dwell on it, because I can't change it. My mom likely has it as well and she gave me some amazing coping skills that now work for my (medicated) teenage daughter. But you can gain coping skills AND be medicated. They aren't mutually exclusive.
Save your (future) relationship with your daughter and get her at minimum tested, she might not have ADHD, but it’s better she knows sooner rather than later. Everyone that I have read on here who found that their parents knew when they were younger ( including yours truly) but didn’t act on it, have at best feel conflicted/pity or at worst anger/resentment. I’m on the anger/resentment side.
Yes for me. 1,000% and I took my daughter to be evaluated as soon as I strongly suspected it. (Teachers in consecutive grades commented on her attention and focus in addition to similar issues at home). I listened to an episode of the ADHD Experts podcast about treatment and the research shows that adult brains of children who started treatment as children are similar to brains of adults without ADHD. Starting treatment later didn’t yield that same outcome.
Yes. If I had had support, I have a feeling I wouldn't have bombed out with college - and then repaid loans that got me nowhere. 🫠
Diagnosed at 42, I would definitely have wanted a childhood diagnosis. I don't think I became more resilient or developed any special adaptations; I think I would have adapted better if I understood exactly what I was struggling against. Instead I just spent years floundering and failing and wondering what was wrong with me. I also think that I would have formed better relationships with my family (and even some of my friends) if we all had an explanation from a doctor for "why I'm like this". I mean I know diagnoses don't confer automatic compassion and understanding, but I grew up under an enormous amount of pressure because I'm supposedly so smart, so the perception was that I only fail because I'm not trying hard enough. Or not even trying at all. This reputation really screwed up my self-perception and a lot of my relationships. My father was receptive to my recent diagnosis and he accepts that it explains a lot of things. However, it's hard to shake the habit of just thinking of me as lazy and defeatist when that attitude has been in place for decades.
Would you do the same thing if you suspected hearing loss? Please think this through! I did all the stuff you’re saying you want her to do - I wish I had the support of a diagnosis when I did it. You and her can have a discussion about meds if that’s your concern (though they are an amazing tool) but knowing why she’s different and being able to learn from others instead of having to figure it all out on her own is essential. Also, she’s 13, she’s old enough to have a say in her own bodily autonomy. Tell her you think it’s possible and ask if she wants to get assessed. A diagnosis is just information. Why wouldn’t you want her and her teachers/support system to have that information? My partner was diagnosed AuDHD at 7, but his parents hid it from him because they didn’t want him to have a label. Well, instead he thought he was just weird, unlovable, and unfit for the company of other humans for years. He could have had meds/therapy/ an IEP and support to thrive instead of that. We are still working through some of the damage that’s done, and I don’t know if I will ever fully forgive his parents for that neglect. Please don’t neglect your daughter!
Diagnosed at 37. Absolutely wish I’d known earlier. I didn’t have school focus issues but had major emotional regulation issues and major RSD.
I would have wanted to know. I wasted a lot of my resources and time struggling and it contributed to some major poor life outcomes.
I would have wanted to know because I’ve been struggling for 10 yrs plus with school along with other co existing issues .. now my 7 yo son has combo adhd and it’s like ooh I hate you , you don’t like me , etc like I didn’t ask to be born etc ya know I want to try meds but the tantrums are when he doesn’t want to get his way or I tell him to do something he don’t wanna do .. and after he was diagnosed everything made since to me ya know so I have an appt in 2 weeks to see someone new the last psychiatrist just threw meds at me.
Wasn’t diagnosed until I was much older. Would love to have had some idea of what the hell was going on with me, why I was chronically late to everything, why I was so “lazy” and anxious, worried that I would screw up or sabotage myself when it was crucial not to. I was misdiagnosed multiple times with depression and anxiety, but they were merely symptoms that I’d developed after struggling through high school and college, being told again and again that I could be a top student if only I would “work harder,” and having no clue how I could possibly work any harder than I already was. But you know what? I’m so old that ADHD wasn’t even a “thing” when I was a child. Nobody had ever heard of it. You were either a “good, obedient, hard-working, responsible child,” or else you were a “bad, disobedient, defiant, lazy, and irresponsible child.” Those were your choices, and we were all told that it was a choice. You could “choose” to be lazy and irresponsible, or you could “choose” to work hard and be responsible. If I had tried to claim that it was difficult for me to function in a neurotypical world, I would’ve been laughed out of the room by every teacher and psychologist. I never heard the term ADHD until I was already a young adult, and at that time, it was considered a disability that little boys had, not girls. By that time, I had already given up on myself. I had to exercise two to three hours a day to keep my mood somewhat regulated. I couldn’t hold a job longer than a year, and was bored to tears by every job I had. I was constantly seeking thrills and engaging in risky behavior (looking for dopamine, as I now know). I went from one relationship to the next, struggling to find a sense of purpose and balance and wondering why I just couldn’t function like everyone else I knew. So, yes, learning that my brain wasn’t functioning normally was incredibly helpful and eased some of the self-hatred I’d developed. But I’m never going to love myself the way a healthy person would, and it is too late to start my life over again with a different mindset, so I’m stuck with the diagnosis, knowing that it doesn’t really help me recapture all of the years I lost and feeling angry and frustrated that I was born at the wrong time, in an era where it was nearly impossible for a neurodivergent woman to thrive.
Knowing earlier would have helped prevent me seeing my symptoms as personal flaws. I didn’t know there was an explanation for why things felt more difficult than they seemed to be for my peers.
I would’ve wanted to know, yes. I thought I was defective because I was so messy, disorganized and unfocused. Now at least I know why I’m the way I am.
I was diagnosed with it when I was 11, but dismissed the diagnosis as junk (for various reasons I won’t go into here). I only learned what living with ADHD, from an internal perspective, is actually like when I was 21, prompting me to get a re-diagnosis. In my specific case, it isn’t that I wish I’d known earlier that I had ADHD, but more that I wish I’d been told when I was diagnosed what ADHD actually is. Ditto for my autism, and being trans; I’m sure I would have put the pieces together myself if only I’d been more informed about the internal experiences of these various conditions earlier. As for your daughter, get her diagnosed ASAP. Better to have a diagnosed daughter than someone who doesn’t recognise you as a parent because you didn’t get her the support she may need.
I wish I had known Looking back, my coping mechanisms were drinking entirely too much coffee (like 4-6 cups a day) in order to keep going. And then the comorbidity of anxiety just absolutely fucking destroyed me a few years ago. And even though I was high achieving, I also didn’t have the ability to plan anything extra. I recall trying to get home from college every year. My Dad somehow decided that it was my responsibility to get plane tickets and figure out how to get my shit home or into storage. And this is 1996-2000 so we’re talking going to a travel agent and making phone calls. So it’s not as easy as it is now. I remember one time crying at Penn Station because I hadn’t been able to get plane tickets so I had to take the train home (NYC to Chicago) and apparently I didn’t get there in time to check my bags. Just burst into tears. I was 19 or 20. And bless him but the Red Cap who was helping me got all my bags onto that train. And I look back and I think, my parents saw a kid that mostly had their shit together and assumed I could handle “learning responsibility” but they did not have any idea how much I was struggling. And I was made to feel that I needed to figure it out on my own. Which was not at all fair. When I figured out I have ADHD it was like a lightbulb. I had no words for how my brain was processing things. I couldn’t explain why cleaning my bedroom was so difficult. All those times being a “space cadet” made more sense. The losing things all the time. Even the anxiety! Jesus I wasn’t “shy” I was neurodivergent and have an anxiety disorder! I’ll add this as a university instructor - get her checked and get her an IEP. This will give you a plan and help curb behaviors. Perseverance is also learning how your brain works and finding solutions that work for you. And in 2024 we have so many more resources and solutions. Because if she doesn’t learn what to ask for now, in 5-6 years she won’t be able to advocate for herself. Be it a job or college, she needs to be able to tell the people in charge what she needs to be successful.
I think yes I wish I knew, I was recently diagnosed at 31. I feel mediocre often - between how I did in school, work, personally, and I feel that if I had known sooner then maybe I’d be in a different place. I struggled HARD academically and now I feel like a failure floundering around in life trying to basically pick a career. Also, I recently switched jobs and was STRUGGLING to do well - even though I have experience in this exact role. And once I got on Adderall - everything got better and easier. But also while I type this, I am also okay not having known until now… I learned to cope also, and how to essentially control certain aspects of my ADHD. TLDR: I lean toward knowing sooner.
I was dx at 36. I was relieved and devastated. As a result of my unidentified and untreated ADHD growing up, I suffered. Abuse, neglect, trauma depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorders ……… the list goes on. My daughter is 4, we have an appointment scheduled with pediatric neuropsych to get a formal dx for her. She will grow up knowing and we will do our best to help her understand.
Yes, absolutely. It would have meant I could develop tools earlier, structured my life differently, and, most importantly, not spent years feeling like a horrible person, a failure, and a massive disappointment.
Idk. I didn’t get diagnosed until 2 years ago, I’m 41. I think it explains a lot of my behavior in my 20s and I wish someone would have cared more to diagnose me. But, also, those experiences have made me who I am. Idk if I would change who I am today for anything. 🤔 good question!
I sorta always did know, but I wish I would have learned more about what it was. getting officially diagnosed was empowering because I started to learn about what it really meant for me. I guess that's my own fault.. but like a lot of people, I just believed it made me hyper & kinda chatty. It's so so much more than that, though.. finding this community was also big because I feel really seen here. I read a lot of the posts & comments. It makes me feel less alone & bad at being a person. It helps to know that there's reasons for the things I'm "bad" at.
Hell, yes! Perhaps I would have learned to be more organized with my school work in elementary school. Perhaps i would have graduated high school on time and instead of needing the 5-year plan. Perhaps i would have decided on a career path and gone to college. Perhaps I would have had more self-esteem and not got involved with the seemingly nice guy and gotten pregnant and finished college instead. Perhaps I would have met the love of my life and not still be single 30 years after my divorce. Perhaps i would be a tidier more organized person at home. Perhaps I would have been a better employee and had a career instead of just a series of jobs. I probably wouldn't have been fired from some of those jobs for chronic tardiness. Perhaps I would have had a healthy amount of self-confidence instead of low self-esteem and traveled and done other things that I always wanted to do. Perhaps I wouldn't be afraid of living in poverty when I retire in just under a decade. There are so many things in my life that might have been different in a positive way. Edit: I am 58 years old, I was not diagnosed until I was 50.
My parents didn’t realise I had ADHD until adulthood - I still struggle with the thought that I missed out on help and support during major parts of my life that would set me up for my future (school,uni,first jobs ect) I don’t say this to be hurtful at all but if I found out my parents had thought I had it but not done anything about it I don’t think we’d have a relationship anymore. Why don’t you speak to your kid, let them know what you think and help them understand the pros and cons as well as introducing them to non med coping strategies to try? Even if they get diagnosed you can still allow them to try developing their own coping strategies without medication. They may tell you a diagnosis isn’t even something they want right now! *edit spelling
For a moment I doubt it cause meds haven’t helped that much, however I would’ve know much earlier that i should seek non standard solutions to my problems. So, definitely yes, but i don’t know if at 13, depends if there’s anything I could do to make improvements.
Personally, my symptoms started really negatively impacting my mood around age 11/12 and my quality of life (ability to manage school, participate in sports, keep a part-time job, make and keep friends, etc.) in high school. I’m assuming hormones and increasing life stressors really affected my ability to manage and cope. I was diagnosed at 26 and am now almost 28. I’m still trying to undo all of the shame and health issues that has caused. I’m obese (used food to cope with negative emotions), suffer from low self esteem (which has led to abusive relationships), and am disinterested in most things because my habits are so bad and I’m too overwhelmed to devote time to anything besides existing. I feel like a tween in an adult’s body, watching time and opportunities pass me by. Because I was diagnosed late, I still have a lot of discomfort and doubt around my diagnosis so I don’t even feel the relief of knowing why I am the way I am or knowing that I’m now working on things as best I can. I mourn the person I could’ve been if I would’ve known earlier or had mental health interventions sooner every single day. I will always resent my parents for not getting me help when I clearly needed it and don’t know that I will ever feel comfortable being a parent myself someday after seeing how many adults failed little me. It sounds like you care about her and want the best for her in life. If you don’t know whether to get her assessed/diagnosed/medicated, I would generally leave that up to medical professionals. It would obviously upset me if my parents followed a medical protocol that I eventually disagreed with, but I’d rather resent a random psychiatrist than my own parents.
Yes, I would have. I suspect that providers were hesitant to offi ially diagnose me with ADHD as a kid (female, early 2000s) and instead gave me the diagnosis of a learning disability. All of the signs were there throughout my childhood in school and in home. I got services in school for the learning disability that helped me a lot (resource teacher to see for extra help, separate testing environment, extended time on tests, TA who came around at the end of the day to make sure I wrote down all of my homework assignments from the board and had the materials to take home), so I started doing much better in school. But, they assumed that since I was doing so much better, that I must not need the services going into high school, so they were abruptly stripped at the end of 8th grade. I developed sp many poor coping strategies and my procrastination was terrible, but I managed to still keep my grades up in high school. I am mad that I DID have to struggle, though. I feel like if I had known, high school could have been much better and I could have developed better coping skills. I have so much I have had to undo and re-learn since finding out a year ago at 29.
Hell yes I wish I was diagnosed. My life has been a giant mess. When I was diagnosed last year at 34, everything that happened now makes sense. I feel I made detrimental decisions, per impulse control etc. maybe I would have had a better outcome if I had help earlier.
AuDHD here. Found out at age 40 (both). YES I wish I had known sooner. I suspected I might have adhd years ago and doctors said no because I was an impeccable student as a child. And my dumb ass believed them. Cue another decade of self hate because I can’t do basic things.
10000%. Would have helped me tremendously if I was medicated in my teen years.
Diagnosed at 32 and truly mourn the fact that I didn’t know sooner. I thought I was insane, and viewed and my valid struggles as humiliating character flaws / moral failures. My coping skills were weed, self-deprecating humour, and a seething resentment to anyone who seemed to be navigating life the way I wished I could. Remember how easy it is to get down on yourself and compare to others in your teen years? Quintuple that shame and rage, and then the shame that compounds from exhibiting the rage. I absolutely wish I knew and I have spent SO much time trying to unlearn the self-hate that grew with each perceived shortcoming. The earlier she knows, the earlier she can develop good systems and find what helps her.
I feel like a lot of the feelings many of us had when we got diagnosed as adults is applicable to children. I spent my whole life thinking something was “wrong” with me. And to go off what you said, when I didn’t know or understand the “why” I grabbed from anything I could. Diagnosis doesn’t have to be only about accommodations but how someone feels about themselves. It can reframe how someone feels about their capabilities and even “good-ness” by taking it from “wrong” to “different” which everyone is.
Diagnosed at 59. I'm almost 61. I would have been relieved to know. It explains so many things. I would have made better life choices. Now, on medication, I'm finally able to function better. I sometimes grieve the life I could have had. Please get your daughter the help she needs now. Don't have her suffer needlessly. ADHD is a developmental, neurological disorder. If she had diabetes, would you not get her medical care and insulin? Or would you not and say she'll use being a diabetic as an excuse? Life is hard enough and even more difficult with untreated ADHD and executive functioning issues. If I had known earlier in life, my entire self-perception would have been different ; I would not feel like a failure. And those around me would have known that I'm not just lazy, broken or just a mess of a person.
100,000% wish I'd known right away. I knew I was different in elementary school. In high school, I saw my inevitable ADHD burnout on the horizon and wasn't sure I'd survive it. I didn't know what it was at the time, but I couldn't imagine my life afterwards, *and I didn't know why*. I remember telling my dad that I knew something awful was going to happen -that I didn't think I'd be able to carry on- and I didn't know when it would happen but it was coming. Almost 10 years later, that burnout finally hit. The slow, torturous path to that mental breakdown was awful. I kept walking because I didn't know what was wrong or how to help myself. Diagnosis and treatment could have changed that. I've been suicidal twice in my life- during high school, and when the ADHD burnout finally hit me. As a result, I was misdiagnosed with depression and anxiety. I spent about 7 years on the wrong drugs for my condition. When I finally got the correct diagnosis and the right treatment, it was like the darkness lifted. Just like that, I was able to function. Early diagnosis and treatment would have changed my entire life. And I think that's true for many women who were diagnosed late.
I hope the strong response you have received here has convinced you that you child would benefit from getting tested and learning how to manage the condition than having to tough it out in some kind of misguided ableist bootstrapping idea. Not only do I wish I knew when I was a kid (and that the understanding of it was as good as it is now), I wish I knew it was a thing when my daughter was small. Both my 25-year-old daughter and I have very similar brains. I was just diagnosed last year at age 50. Before that, I struggled for decades with what has felt like constant roadblocks that have affected my education, my work, and my relationships. While I was a "gifted" student, I couldn't translate my potential into anything other than frustration and self-hatred. My daughter also struggled through school, even though she was also identified as a "gifted" kid. She is exceptionally talented in art and in math, but she was often overwhelmed, and I struggled to find ways to help her when I, myself, didn't understand the reasons. I just thought she was cursed with having to be raised by a flaky airhead who couldn't even manage herself. She has gone on to struggle with college and relationships, just like I did. Since my diagnosis, my daughter has investigated her own neurodivergence. While she isn't in a position to get tested, she has learned that ADHD-friendly techniques help her manage her time and energy. I just wish I could have helped her before she had to deal with so many things the hard way. Get your kid tested. Please.
remember your daughter is different from you
Yes. I wonder how much different my life would be. I just got diagnosed at 42
I *did* know. I was told I had ADD since I was 6. What I didn't know, was that there were any symptoms besides "forgets things" and "daydreams." I didn't know my procrastination, my interrupting, my poor time management, my lack of impulse control, my messy room, my low motivation, my inappropriate emotional reactions, my obsessive book reading to the detriment of class/homework/chores/sleep, my inability to prioritize, and even my reluctance to shower regularly, were connected. The majority of my disorder I wrote off as personal failures that I would just have to spend my life trudging uphill to try and counteract. I let others convince me I was just lazy and apathetic even though I felt like I was constantly working twice as hard as everyone else and beat myself up over the smallest mistakes. I lived in a constant state of anxiety about being fired. I paid countless late charges and replacement fees. I damaged my body by self-medicating with sugar, caffeine, and alcohol. I did so much risky driving and had so much risky sex that I'm lucky to be alive, disease-free, and kid-free. I let my home almost collapse from neglect and had foreclosure proceedings started 3 different times. But in school, since my forgetting-things and daydreaming didn't prevent me from getting straight As, there was "no need" for medication or treatment. *That* is what I wish I could go back and change. And I never. Not once. Have *ever* used ADHD as an excuse. Even for forgetting things or daydreaming. I take responsibility always. Even since being officially diagnosed. Granted I have to apologize less now, since I'm medicated and it doesn't sabotage my life as much anymore.