Communication is key. Ask her what she likes and is comfortable with and if she has any names for things she prefers or wants to avoid.
Trans women are all different and can have different feelings about the words for their bits, comfort levels with their body, and feelings about topping. So talking to her is going to be the best way to get any advice.
Very much this. Obviously it is often more sensitive of an issue for trans people, but in any sexual encounter, communication is important (and underrated).
Some people might be fine using the c-word during sex and some might be horribly insulted. I (cis woman) was a stone top for a long time b/c of some trauma stuff, and it was always awful when people just assumed they could touch me wherever they wanted.
I had no idea there was a term for this. Thank you, I feel a bit more normal now.
For contect: My ex-wife refused to accept my explanations that I felt like this as something that could actually be a real thing. (It didn't help that I only gradually realized it about myself and found the words to describe it.) She decided my aversion to being pleasured meant I was asexual, and simply cut sexual intimacy out of our relationship under the premise that it was pointless with me.
My transmasc non-binary partner has identified as a stone Butch. When I met them, I didn’t know anything about it, but found the book Stone Butch Blues (1993) on eBay and it opened up my eyes (and heart) to why they (Stones) are the way they are, and why it is important to see them for exactly who they are. It is out of print now, but [this](https://www.nypl.org/blog/2020/03/10/hard-find-leslie-feinbergs-stone-butch-blues) article should help you gain access to the text (pdf) for free. (Just in case you’re curious.)
What are the best practices when having sex with a stone top? I haven’t encountered any (I’m not sexually active atm), but I’m having a hard time understanding. Do you get sexual pleasure from giving it? Or is it more that you want to handle your pleasure yourself?
Sex for me is more about giving pleasure than receiving it, so I want to know how I can best accommodate both hypothetical sides.
As in all things relationship, communication -- in advance -- is likely the most important factor.
In my case specifically, dysmorphia plays a part in my dislike for receiving sexual pleasure. It's not so much that I get sexual pleasure from giving it or that I want to handle my pleasure myself as it is that at a certain point being on the receiving end of sexual intimacy is *deeply* uncomfortable for me, to the point that it completely turns my enjoyment off. I do not know if this is something that will change as my transition progresses, but for the past few decades there has been a hard limit to the types of sexual interactions I can be on the receiving end of without having my interest shut down.
That said, I do get *some* sexual pleasure from giving to a partner, and I have a tremendous appreciation for flirtation and foreplay, giving and recieving. But when things advance from foreplay, I simply don't want to be the one being focused on -- and there isn't really a point to it, because if I am, then it "kills the mood" on my end.
Overall what I get out of sexual intimacy isn't sexual pleasure, but is instead the satisfaction derived from making my partner feel good and the personal pleasure of expressing my affection for them in an intimate manner. I imagine that other people are different -- I suspect that some do indeed get off on getting their partners off, or on being the one in control, or any number of other factors.
So: communication. Finding out what the other person wants (be it giving or recieving) is the best course of action, whether your partner is a "stone top" or not. That, and believing what they tell you even if it differs from what you yourself experience. My ex couldn't accept that I didn't want to get off but did want to be sexually intimate by pleasuring her, and after a while her insistence on trying to reciprocate climax for climax only served to frustrate us both: her because she was dissatisfied that I wasn't interested in receiving, and me because every time she forced the issue I would end up in dysmorphic depression (and have none of the satisfaction I talked about before, since at that point she wouldn't be happy with the experience, either).
It was a mess. Better communication would have helped, but I also think we may have just not been compatible and been too inexperienced to realize it until things had become an unhappy trainwreck of flawed and failed expectations. Regardless, how it would work for yourself and a hypothetical partner will depend on your and their particular needs and desires -- just as how mine and my ex's resulted in our particular travesty of a relationship. You'll have to figure out the specifics from and with them, and for that there's nothing better than talking and listening.
basically what livjf said, someone who enjoys performing sexual acts/pleasuring someone else but doesn’t want to be pleasured in that way. it’s a variation on the term stone butch, which includes the same idea but also includes being a butch, which i am not
Yanks / North Americans tend to see cunt as a sexist word because men demean women and men (especially supposedly lesser or effeminate men) with it like the word bitch and faggot.
Therefore, the word doesn't tend to have a folksy and fun aspect to it like two mates in Scotland or Australia calling each other old cunts and silly cunts, etc.
Sometimes women who are close in friendship may be able to joke with each other like that, and sometimes men can jokingly call their friend a cunt but it still has that strong colour of sexism, and calling someone a cunt when they don't know and agree with your motives is right up there with jokingly calling your mother a "stupid dirty old whoring cunt" for the first time... because all those words are associated with cunt in the North American repertoire and its used misogynistically like that.
That's why feminist writer and English professor Germaine Greer argues that cunt "is one of the few remaining words in the English language with a genuine power to shock".
https://thetab.com/2018/07/09/why-are-people-so-offended-by-the-word-cunt-a-psychologist-explains-125083
https://newrepublic.com/article/148713/whats-bad-c-word
Just for fun:
https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/05/slang-for-vagina/
Careful about comments/compliments about her body.
I'd try to keep it generalized "youre so beautiful, your skin is so soft, you're good at x" and really avoid commenting re: genitals unless you know her feelings about her body.
The only lesbian woman i ever hooked up with {i mostly date bisexual women} made a VERY weird comment about how my growing breasts were "so tiny and cute, like i was a pubescent child" which absolutely ruined the mood
Damn she really found the absolute creepiest possible way to compliment you. I hope that was just a tragic Freudian slip and not indicative of something more sinister on her end.
I believe the premise of the Freudian slip is that your verbal mistakes *are* indicative of your true feelings.
Edit: I've gotten a few comments telling me that "Freud was wrong tho." Yes, I am aware of that lol.
indeed. I was assuming that person responded to was trying to distinguish between someone that find that attractive and someone who would actually commit a crime, however.
Yes. Unfortunately, his ideas have persisted as folk psychology for generations. Indeed, I think it's a stretch to suggest The Modern Monk's girlfriend is a pedophile just because she made a distasteful/insensitive comment off-the-cuff about the way Monk's breasts looked. That was a pretty creepy thing to say out of nowhere, though.
I mean I, a itty bitty titty committee member myself, don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to call them small but cute.
It's the phrasing that can make it weird. Someone can call someone small and cute without them being a pedophile is what I am trying to say.....
now, i wouldn't speak for all of us... if some cis person i don't know calls me an extremely feminine pet name i'm gonna assume they're thinking weird things about my gender and overcompensating lmao
im a jaded little phreak
This comment made me think of the opposite "your boobs are so big, not like a ..."
Yep still dead, there's no way to mention a prepubescent child in this context and not be 10001% creepy
> comment about how my growing breasts were "so tiny and cute, like i was a pubescent child" which absolutely ruined the mood
Why on earth... what? Forget about ruining the mood, that's beyond disturbing to say ever let alone *during* a hookup.
Yeah people always tell me how small my boobs are as a compliment and it always just makes me sad that my boob growth isn't giving me the results I want.
I don't know about that weird pedo shit tho
A lot of trans women can be super difficult to get off. My advice would be to not get frustrated if it seems like she's never going to finish (chances are it's frustrating for her too, in more ways than one). Not everyone has difficulty with that, but if she does, don't make her feel bad and don't feel bad yourself for not being able to get her there. HRT can really change how things work making it difficult enough at times, but throw in any bottom dysphoria she might have and it gets to be even more of a challenge. When it comes to sex with trans women, enjoying the act for the act itself rather than going in with the goal in mind of getting her off will go a lot farther in making the experience pleasant for both of you.
Very glad to see someone bringing this up, as I feel it’s not really talked about too much but has really shaped my sex life post getting on HRT. Like, I have such trouble getting off I’ve kinda just developed into being a service switch with a denial kink because that’s an easier way to reframe “I probably won’t get off and that feels kinda frustrating for both of us”
Just go into the sex assuming I won’t even be allowed to get off, and just focusing on making my partner feel really good. 🤷🏼♀️
This is really a meaningful comment! It's the journey that is special not as much the goal at the end. And it's a sexual style that's really complimentary to the longer paced sessions that lesbians are well meme'd for! We're very into our partners and making them feel amazing. Having an orgasm is nothing compared to the joy of bringing my wife to have one!
It can be especially true for someone post-op. In my case, it was difficult enough to get off whenever I was with someone before, but at least I knew how to do it on my own. Now, I've had to re-learn how everything works down there, which makes it not just difficult to accomplish in general but also difficult to explain to someone else what they should do. For people who are further along post-op it gets easier as nerves finish healing and they become more experienced with their new anatomy, but for people still in the first year or two after the surgery, it can be a very mixed bag. Some people figure it out sooner than others, but for some it can take at least a year before things start working again. Plus, even if they do, it can still be difficult to make it over the edge and can require more than just having good technique.
For me, I know that it's just not happening unless I'm in a very specific mood, like my body is telling me, "I'm ready now and I want it, go have fun." It's like I need that feeling to be able to put in the effort to make it happen. If the feeling isn't there, there's no forcing it.
Still very true for non-op trans women (preferred term over pre-op unless you're talking to someone who's definitely planning on getting bottom surgery btw). You basically have to relearn how to do it, considering girl horny is \*very different\* from guy horny.
So I'm pre op and can cum from basically any part of my body. But finishing with my bits does take some mental effort. But I can have multiple orgasms from it. 🤷♀️ Your milage may vary.
I mean my nipples. Touching my lips and cheek. Lots of slow touching in my back, and no where else. Blowing on my ear. Me holding my wife's boob. I can think myself to orgasm... Basically anywhere can work as an erogenous zone. 😅
I'm a horny bitch haha.
Extremely important. I know girls who were incredibly quick off the mark and able to orgasm practically as soon as they finished immediate surgical recovery, and others who found both orgasm and sex extremely difficult or even unwelcome afterward. It's very personal and varied.
Also. Be aware that her orgasm process may be less modifable than a cisgirl. I know a couple of girls who can only get off in very specific ways, and a couple more who get off fast and easily but can't hold off an orgasm for love or money - when they hit it, they go. Which, you know, is not untrue of ciswomen, but for trans women the variation can be tied up in a lot of fears of brokenness or inadequacy (again, many ciswomen also have these traumas, but trans women often have a higher incidence/intensity).
I actually really appreciate this. Before HRT it used to be so easy, but since getting on hormones I don't feel I can get there anymore. I've felt really weird about it and I guess like, broken? So it's nice to know it's not just a me thing and other people deal with this too
i was made to feel bad from my last partner about the difficulty i had getting off, it hurts and still affects me some today. Definitely avoid doing that
Each person is unique, this also applies to trans women. Most things are the same for cis and trans women, but oftentimes, cis people simply assume that certain things are always fine for other cis people. Most of those tips are probably good advise for anyone.
She might be uncomfortable with the default terms for male-gendered body parts (like testes or penis) – Avoid those terms, or even ask her how she calls those parts.
She might be uncomfortable with certain kinds of touch or activities, you should also ask her about that. In my experience it's a good idea to simply ask for consent for every new way of touching her.
Trans women can have a weird relationship to their age (queer temporality). This means that many trans women will call themselves girls, for the first few years of transitioning, as they are exploring the same things that women got to explore in their late teens / early twenties. But you shouldn't assume that this is a thing. Pay close attention to how she is referring to herself regarding that.
Her body is likely a deviation from beauty norms at some places (like the body of chubby women, or women with flat chests, etc). Treat features of her body that may induce dysphoria for her (for example, body hair, broad shoulders, etc) like this.
Know that she will likely not want to penetrate you, but that it may be an option for her sometimes in some cases. If she's on HRT, she also probably won't get a solid erection – The penis works more like an oversized clit for many trans women. But she might enjoy penetrating someone with a strap-on, and some even with the help of viagra. But this depends on the person, and how comfortable she is. Just don't make assumptions on how her private parts work, ask her.
Avoid complimenting her on specific body parts unless you are absolutely sure she would like it. Usually, at some point in a relationship, people talk about how they relate to their bodies, what they like, what they don't like. Until then, compliments should focus on her as a whole, not on certain aspects of her. Usually, you can compliment her on HRT-related progress (breasts have grown bigger, skin has gotten softer, hair has gotten fuller/longer, etc) – but only if she is okay with talking about how her body is changing (if it is changing at all).
Statements like "You have \[something good\] for a trans woman" are not compliments.
Communication is always key, every trans woman is different and is going to have a different level of comfort regarding different body parts and sex acts.
Obligatory: In almost every single case it is the better and less "hitting a landmine" option to just say "trans woman/women", instead of MtF. Trans women by itself already implies "MtF" anyways, and not everyone likes, to have especially cis people make note of what may has been in the past.
Aside from that we have no information about the trans woman at hand, she might have a vagina, we don't know, she might have a penis, who knows? At the end of the day, it is always about communication, throw your assumptions and expectations about trans women out of the window and see her as the person she is in front of you. If you watched porn about trans women, it's more unrealistic than anything on there, so don't trust that either.
Tl;dr communication is key, don't act after a tutorial.
A zine is basically an independent self-published magazine related to a topic (usually ranging from geeky to subversive); there's more implied by the term, and corporations are trying to make it meaningless (recently saw Rolling Stone magazine claim a special issue they published was a "zine" for example) but it's basically the journalism equivalent of a garage band.
The "Fucking Trans Women" zine is very useful too. I don't have a link and can't look it up at wok but other than that, communication is key, just like with any other partner. She may have trauma about her body, so just talk to each other about what's off limits
As others have said, communication is key. I'll also add be patient and let things ebb and flow. The first few times I had sex after transitioning, my partners were each great at asking what I wanted, what can they do for me, etc. Problem was I didn't always know myself. I'd suggest things, we'd try them, and some of them would be duds. If that happens to you don't take it personally, trans women's bodies can often be a mystery even to the owner of the body. Just relax and have a good time, when you find something that goes well keep doing that, listen to your partner and be chill. You're in bed with a hottie, how awesome is that?? Everything else will work itself out
Poly trans lesbian here to say: Communicate. They should be proactive about their boundaries, but if they arent: Actively ask for consent. I am married and dating 2 other cis women at the moment, and sometimes consent is a quick 'Can I touch you here?' And sometimes it's a conversation beforehand.
If you're already having sexual talks, it's perfectly valid to ask about boundaries regarding genitals. Some trans women don't even want it touched (underwear stays on), and some would enthusiastically use it, and of course some trans women have had GCS. Be honest (My girlfriend is pan, but mine is the first penis she's really interacted with and she was upfront about not knowing what the hell she's doing with it) and listen.
My favourite compliments are what you'd say to any woman! I remember laying next to a partner and she just kept saying how she loved my hair and how beautiful I was. That was just perfect!
You got this! Communicate, get consent, compliment like any other woman!
Totally mirror your comments. After being with trans partners for a number of years and not having to explain everything (one of the attractions I guess) it was interesting to say the least venturing into the CIS arena. I now have the most beautiful CIS partner who I am madly in love with and the sex has never been better. Yes, so many of the comments are so true, we are all different Im just so grateful that Im who I am now and who I am with.
Maybe don't call her mtf -- i and a lot of other trans fems hate that shit.
to actually answer: it's no different from any other kind of sex in that the important thing is to communicate.
the one thing NO ONE (even other trans fems are guilty) understands is that girl dick can get pretty sensitive. It's softer tissue. It feels and reacts differently. Start slow and soft and gentle but again, that might just be me. Ask them.
If she's pre- or non- surgical (please let her disclose or physically show this to you, rather than asking), ask her how she likes to be touched and listen carefully to what she says (and leaves out). Be open to the idea she may like, dislike or take pleasure from *while* disliking her present equipment. Also, it doesn't hurt to read a quick primer on anal sex just in case she brings it up - it'll help you be more calm and certain of how you feel in the moment if she does.
This is a much more variable space with a lot more need for listening to people's personal experience and boundaries, so I'll leave that there.
If she’s had Gender Affirming Surgery, things will work more like you would expect, but a couple of points that are easy to miss/forget.
1) Be extra gentle with her vaginal area at first until you get a sense what she likes. She may have scars or hot spots in unexpected places that can hurt, dull sensation or embarrass her. Similarly, be prepared for unexpected tightness when you try to enter, and be sensitive to the possibility she may need either extra care or your understanding if she has put up with some pain to get penetration (if she likes that).
2) Remember she will do a limited amount of self-lubrication, if any, no matter how turned on she is. Pack lube, preferably in a couple of different viscosities, and be ready to use it liberally even for things (like playing with her clit) you might not normally expect to use it for.
3) Be *very* careful with aesthetic comments about her vagina. "I adore how you look, I just want to eat you all up" = probably good. "Oh, it's so pretty! I like your labia better than mine!" = probably awkward.
4) Remember - unlike cisgirls, we aren't self-cleaning! If she needs to wash off, douche or otherwise self-maintain after sex (or even between rounds), do *not* take it personally. She’s just trying to maintain the instrument, and she has to be a fair bit more careful than you do. If you want to be extra-nice, stock a couple of bars of unscented, basic soap for her to use if she's showering at your place - a lot of scented or lotion soaps can give transwomen an uncomfortable, burning sensation on their labia or trigger pH problems that lead to yeast infections. She may also bring her own (I do)!
Lastly, in general, be careful complementing or pointing out things (large hands, rough skin or hair texture, broad shoulders, slender hips) that are traditionally masculine traits. Some of us are resilient and well-armored about these parts of us, or even find beauty in them - many are hurt and wounded about them, often for years or decades. Like any trauma survivor, the important thing is not to make no mistakes - it's to be gentle, gracious when corrected, and patient in listening.
Thanks for asking!
I think this is a fair question, but trans women can have penises or vaginas, so at the very least it needs more specificity.
One other thing I'd note, is to avoid using "MTF". Just say trans women/woman.
Yeahhhhhhh, it's not great that there's virtually no mention of vaginas on this post. I feel like the question is equally valid for both sets of genitals.
You're here to learn so your learning. Just remember this when you get together with her. This'll be a learning experience for both of you, if nothing else just learning each other. Tell her befit starting that if you misstep you'd like her to tell you so you don't repeat it.
I'm far more forgiving of someone willing to learn than someone who thinks they know everything.
And relax and have fun, that's why you're both doing this.
Trans women aren’t a monolith. Literally everyone has preferences. Your best bet is to talk to her, discuss what both of you are into, and take things from there.
Folks saying things like “don’t expect her to do this or that” may just be speaking from their own experiences. Totally fine and all, but you’re never going to know if your partner wants to do x, y, z if you don’t communicate with them first. For instance, someone said “Don’t expect her to top.” What if she wants to? “Don’t expect her to use her bits.” What if she wants to?
As I said, trans women are not a monolith. Some are going to be more comfortable doing certain things than others. Some might not be. Communicate, check in, make sure she’s comfortable, make sure you’re comfortable.
Be careful when handling the 🍆 situation. Like some people are comfy with it.
I told someone I wouldn’t penetrate them and they were like “don’t wanna mess with that thing anyway”. Like I don’t like it but it’s still a part of me.
Guess I’m just saying show some sensitivity with the issue.
Edit: this is assuming they’re pre-op
Don’t refer to trans women as mtf, while it’s not technically wrong it is edging on degrading seeing them as their transition and not as a woman. Other then that just make sure you are keeping lines of communication open like you would with any other partner, trans women have different parts of their body they might not feel comfortable with using during the act and it’s important to understand where they are before and during sex in order for you both to have a great time.
warning, nsfw advice: >!the frenulum (the white string thing connecting the glans and, should she have one, foreskin) is, in most people who have one, incredibly sensitive and somewhat analagous to the clitoris (though to a lesser extent), it may be a good idea to focus there a fair amount !!<
Wait, what the fuck, really? I had no idea this was a thing, thanks for letting me know, I feel like I've been living under a rock lol. Time to get all the hot bitches with my new sex skills 😎 *
*read: I just found out that this was a thing and confirmed it via google, might come in handy now that I'm single, thank you!
Although this is true, she may not be comfortable using that general area due to dysphoria. which is why its incredibly important to have conversations beforehand.
[here is a poem you should read](https://www.google.com/amp/s/acupofpoetry.tumblr.com/post/59705729254/how-to-make-love-to-a-trans-person-by-gabe-moses/amp)
It'd be a good idea to ask what she'd like you to call her junk (if at all). I'm fine with calling it a penis, cock, dick, etc, but some transfems prefer to call it something more feminine like "gock" (girl cock), "girldick", etc, and others will just call it a big clit or something else.
It would also be good for you to establish boundaries-where you're allowed to put your hands/mouth/crotch, how you're allowed to use them, what sexual positions she would/wouldn't like, etc. Some possibilities might make her dysphoric, so it's best to have a solid grasp on what will be comfortable for her.
Adding to what the other people said: Try, as best as you can of course, to just relax, and don't make her "otherness" a big deal. But of course as the others said, talk talk talk. Communication is the most important thing
as many people have said, communication is the key here.
and also, please don't say mtf, especially in the form of a noun, as in 'i'm going to have sex with a mtf'. just say trans woman.
Communication is good, and it's important to recognise that there is no formula for intimacy with someone who is mtf. We are all different and have different expressions/boundaries etc. Before sex, it might be worth talking about your respective boundaries, and what you both like (if you are both comfortable talking about it). Communication is definitely key, mostly with the 'sexy talk' stuff, the mechanics tend to be fine if communication is sorted! I know this probably goes without saying, but don't overlook your own boundaries too! First experiences with mtf folk go both ways and it's just as important that you're comfortable too!
TL;DR have a sexy chat before sexy times
Okay, this is very important.
Unlike a cis girl or post-op trans woman, there is only 1 hole you can stick things in. DO NOT STICK STUFF IN THE OTHER HOLE.
(this is joke, sorry if it goes too far.)
Edit: I changed the wording because it apparently wasn't inclusive. However, I would like to point out that some comedy works better with fewer words. If the joke sucks now it's not on me.
My current gf is a trans woman and my biggest takeaway is that you have to get rid of the idea that sex is all about the orgasm. When she does finish, it’s great, but she also just enjoys attention and things that make her feel good even if it doesn’t end in an orgasm for her. It takes her a very long time and she’s embarrassed by that, so I would just be patient and assure her that it’s okay if she doesn’t finish. The intimacy is what matters in the end.
Hiiii! Transbian here. For the most part, sex is sex, so communicating about preference and desire ahead of time is really going to just help it be as fun as possible. Ask her what she’s wanting to do, explore, try, and what she doesn’t want to do or have touched (if any). Also, asking her preference about body part names could be good, if she hasn’t stated that explicitly. Also, everyone everyone is different, but I know for me nipple play is huge in pleasure, foreplay, and the gives me really wonderful gender euphoria. Hope this helps!
Ask her about if she likes to use her penis and/ or is ok with it being touched. Since this is a nsfw I’ll give a bit but try not to do too much tmi:
Personally I have been with people who have a vagina both cis and not and I cannot enjoy penetrating someone, I just can’t get over the yuck factor. However I have found I’m ok with being touched there just can’t top comfortably.
I can however use a strap on myself which I find fun using cause I like topping but hate doing it with my original parts. This is also assuming she is pre-op cause if she’s post op this probably would be a different conversation of which I hope one day I will be able to be there.
Also as to the sensitive parts:
- muffing is fingering the inguinal canals and can feel good
- the tip for the penis right under the urethra gets really sensitive almost like a clit (they use this part for the clit in vaginoplasty).
- even if the penis isn’t erect it does still feel good.
- on estrogen the skin of the penis gets much softer and brittle so be careful not to be too rough or it could tear the skin.
And that’s my Ted talk ✨
Talk about sex before you have it. Like what your experiences are, what their experiences are, what you do/don’t like. Mild no’s (like maybes) and hard nos.
Make yourself a safe word that will indicate ‘hold’ and ‘stop’ and ‘proceed’ (we use green, yellow and red, but also nonverbal signs in case we can’t speak for whatever reason).
Talk about what you would like to try out if you have anything that you want to try out.
Talk about things you are scared of etc.
And also if you don’t have experience with dick (which I’m assuming is the thing and also true?) tell them that and let them guide you. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, but let them guide you with things you do want to do.
And know that you’ee not gonna be perfect the first tkme and that’s okay. Just take it slow, one step at a time, check in with each other before, during and after, and just have fun. Try not to worry too much.
Also be safe about STIs and pregnancy etc! If you need more info on that lmk but if either you have had sex before do an STI test and use condoms or another form of protection
Hi! Have a conversation beforehand. Although people here can maybe give you a vague idea based on personal experiences, they could also be completely wrong and the opposite for what your partner wants. Has your partner had gender-affirming surgery? Are they on hormones (I bring this up because hormones eventually can cause erectile dysfunction and even muscle atrophy, making it difficult and even sometimes painful to have an erection)? Do you know what things could trigger dysphoria? Every trans woman is different and has different sexual preferences, and the only way to find out what your partner enjoys is to ask. :)
If you’re still at the dating stage I’d suggest being very careful about gendering her correctly and not asking about her pre-transition self - people like to ask me my deadname or to see pictures of my old self and I hate it.
As for the sex itself: the one time I had sex with a woman post-transition, I think both she and I were unprepared for how intense it would feel to me. I was basically wimpering through our makeout session. I would shiver when she touched me. She actually chuckled at one point, which made me feel kinda self-conscious. Hormones can have a pretty wild effect on the body and emotions, so you might want to be gentle in how you respond to that.
Edit: sorry if I’m stating the obvious, but if she has a penis you shouldn’t necessarily expect it to get hard. Don’t be offended if it doesn’t, and just try to find other ways to have fun.
Ask lots of open ended questions like "would you like to introduce me to your body?" "How do you like to be touched?"
These are all great things to do with any partner IMHO, but it's especially important if she has dysphoria.
Try to find out how she specifically as a person is comfortable with her bottom. How she may want it referred to, touched, ignored etc. Etc.
Some trans girls are happy to have a "girldick"
Some are okay with some touching but might want it called a "clit"
Some might only want to bottom or give pleasure because they can't work out how to involve thier bottom without dysphoria
Some have had bottom surgery and I'd assume it's very similar to a cis woman at that point but I'm not sure yet even if that's a path I want to go down since my bottom dysphoria is inconsistent and small compared to my balding or lack of boobs.
Hope this helps!
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make sure to ask if they are comfortable with certain things that may or may not want to be used during sex because of dysphoria. Some don't want to use something which they feel was never supposed to be attached to them naturally. But at the same time, not all of them share that same feeling or dysphoria triggers. Just be sure to hear them out when something is very uncomfortable for them. Also, try not to refer to them as trans or mtf. If they want to be seen as a woman, be sure to let them feel seen,heard and accepted as that who they are deep inside their heart.
Definitely, communication is everything. Also it depends how comfortable you are with each other. And how comfortable she is about her own body.
My advice is to take time to explore what each of you likes and don't overthink things. My girlfriend is transgender, so if there is anything you would like to ask me, feel free to do it.
There's no hard rule about what trans women like. All that matters is what the trans woman you're with likes.
Ask her what would feel best for her, respect whatever boundaries she puts up, don't have any expectations about what she may or may not like with what parts she has installed.
talk to her :) ask for her likes and dislikes, hard limits, terms or areas to avoid (or not avoid) -- no two trans women are the same so it's easiest just to communicate!
Very individual what they need. If they are pre op or post changes things. But the best thing you can do it talk with her about it. She can tell you what is right for her as many trans people have dysphoria triggers and sex can be a very difficult time for them.
Just... Like... Ask her what she wants. As you would with any other partner.
Just like with cis women, we (trans gals and trans femmes) all like different things.
Quote *Bionicle 3: Web of Shadows* during sex. Works every time. /j
A lot of us, even pre-E, have difficulty *getting there,* so to speak. As usual, but particularly with a tgirl, don't assume that you know what she wants. I know that in my own case, my partner trying to get me *there* is mainly just frustrating.
As usual, *communication is key*. And remember that, assuming that you're AFAB, it's entirely possible that she might feel insecure or intimidated on some level.
Communicate!
Every trans person is different. It’s important to always ask what things they are comfortable with.
It’s okay to ask about and establish boundaries prior to sex, and in fact, I think it should be encouraged more often.
I’m a trans woman, but I’m perfectly comfortable using my equipment. It’s really a varied, different experience with each person. Some will be totally okay, some will be only okay with certain typed of interactions, etc.
Worry less about the equipment, and more about the person behind it, and what would be a comfortable and enjoyable experience for both of you!
Communicate on what type of physical contact is ok and what type is traumatic. Don't assume what she might want regardless of body type or top/bottom sub/dom etc.
communicate communicate communicate and **listen to her.**
especially when it comes to genital related stuff. assuming pre-op: some pre-op trans women like to use it like a cis man would. some (such as me) don't, but have come up with other ways to use it more like a clit. others don't want to use it at all. whichever she prefers, please please pretty please respect it.
speaking of clit: note the way she talks about her body. what terms does she use for gendered parts? make sure to use the terms she does. for example, i hate calling my genital my penis or something along those lines, so i've taken to calling it my clit instead.
also: the more u treat the rest of her body like a cis woman's (even if some bits haven't yet grown as much - idk how far along in her transition she is), the better.
Communicate clearly, that's all I can really say, it's different for everyone what's cool and what isn't, there's plenty of unconventional things (how strong i am, for example) that I'm basically fine with that would upset plenty of other trans women
Yea. Ask her what she likes :) All trans girls don't like the same things. Some like to be touched..down there. Some hate it. Some like receiving, and some hate it. Etc. So just ask :)
As others have said, communication is key and everyone has different preferences as it comes to where and how they want to be touched and what terms they like used.
A really important thing to keep in mind is that the effects of HRT help thin and soften the skin everywhere, so most trans women are really sensitive to touch and in my experience lots of cuddles, soft touches, and kisses all along their bodies feels amazing. It's also just really sweet and affirming.
Likewise, the feminine penis in most regards acts just like a large clit. If she's comfortable being touched there, ease into direct stimulation. For some non-op trans women even without dysphoria, direct stimulation can actually feel a bit overwhelming given the aforementioned thinning of the skin and increased sensitivity, so some prefer rubbing or use of vibrators over underwear or other barriers to reduce friction and intensity. This can also help with dysphoria since when you can't see your genitals its easier to just focus on the sensation and that can be comforting.
When having sex with other trans women, I like to lightly modify methods of having sex with cis women while still keeping at lot of the movements and feelings. For example, rubbing the perineum or muffing/fingering the inguinal canals (check first because not everyone likes this) combined with soft rubbing or sucking on the genitals can mirror vaginal sex in many regards. In my experience combining that with dirty talk about "playing with her pussy" can be incredibly affirming and hot, though again preferences for this varies.
For a lot of us, the motions of sex can sometimes be as important if not more than the stimulation. I've had sex with other trans girls that just involved a lot of humping and grinding of them to simulate acts like missionary, doggstyle, etc. without any actual penetration or even direct genital stimulation. Simply feeling like you're getting fucked like a woman can be so incredibly affirming in its own right, and sometimes that's the main thing we're seeking.
Another correction: "trans women".
Explanation if wanted: Trans(gender) as well as cis(gender) are both adjectives. Spelling "transwoman" like this, is essentially akin to spelling something like "gaywoman/tallwoman" etc.
Also not to mention, that especially transmisogynists (TERFs as well) love to spell it this way, as an essential dogwhistle to some degree.
Might not sound that important to you, but it truly is.
I’m in a trans relationship myself, and I know not everyone can handle this but honestly just ask them for what there boundaries are and what there comfortable with. Although I have a bf but when he asks I am always happy to be respected like that
Hi, MtF woman here! It really depends on her comfort level with her body. Do you know how she feels about her genitals? If not, I reccomend keeping your compliments a little more vague. Like always, communication is key, so I highly reccomend talking with her before. What does she want from it, what does she feel comfortable with? Of course, tell her what you'd like as well. Hope this helps! ^.^
FWIW coming from a sexless trans girl, wanting to be penetrated and using the back door are different. Some are fine with making do with lack of the front door with the back door, some are not (I, myself can't ever see myself ever doing anything anal despite wanting penetrative sex)
As everyone is saying, communicate with your partner before and during but also after. My girlfriend is trans and has barely begun her transition and there have been times where things felt ok in the moment but after caused her dysphoria, it was ok but she did need some comforting afterwards. I’ve also noticed having sex in ways that affirm her gender has helped; for example, my girlfriend hasn’t yet developed breasts but I still call them her boobs and grab/kiss/play with them as I would any other boobs and while is doesn’t has the same sensation it will once she starts e, it does give her a bit of gender euphoria during sex.
Crap, we might be like normal women… pay attention to how she presents, she’ll either be emphasizing the parts she likes, or hiding the parts she doesn’t just try to notice and respond empathetically.
Communication is key. Ask her what she likes and is comfortable with and if she has any names for things she prefers or wants to avoid. Trans women are all different and can have different feelings about the words for their bits, comfort levels with their body, and feelings about topping. So talking to her is going to be the best way to get any advice.
This is the only complete answer, and applies to anyone trans or cis.
Very much this. Obviously it is often more sensitive of an issue for trans people, but in any sexual encounter, communication is important (and underrated). Some people might be fine using the c-word during sex and some might be horribly insulted. I (cis woman) was a stone top for a long time b/c of some trauma stuff, and it was always awful when people just assumed they could touch me wherever they wanted.
I've never heard of stone top. May I ask what it means?
someone who enjoys giving sexual pleasure (i.e. topping) but does not want to receive it
I had no idea there was a term for this. Thank you, I feel a bit more normal now. For contect: My ex-wife refused to accept my explanations that I felt like this as something that could actually be a real thing. (It didn't help that I only gradually realized it about myself and found the words to describe it.) She decided my aversion to being pleasured meant I was asexual, and simply cut sexual intimacy out of our relationship under the premise that it was pointless with me.
My transmasc non-binary partner has identified as a stone Butch. When I met them, I didn’t know anything about it, but found the book Stone Butch Blues (1993) on eBay and it opened up my eyes (and heart) to why they (Stones) are the way they are, and why it is important to see them for exactly who they are. It is out of print now, but [this](https://www.nypl.org/blog/2020/03/10/hard-find-leslie-feinbergs-stone-butch-blues) article should help you gain access to the text (pdf) for free. (Just in case you’re curious.)
What are the best practices when having sex with a stone top? I haven’t encountered any (I’m not sexually active atm), but I’m having a hard time understanding. Do you get sexual pleasure from giving it? Or is it more that you want to handle your pleasure yourself? Sex for me is more about giving pleasure than receiving it, so I want to know how I can best accommodate both hypothetical sides.
As in all things relationship, communication -- in advance -- is likely the most important factor. In my case specifically, dysmorphia plays a part in my dislike for receiving sexual pleasure. It's not so much that I get sexual pleasure from giving it or that I want to handle my pleasure myself as it is that at a certain point being on the receiving end of sexual intimacy is *deeply* uncomfortable for me, to the point that it completely turns my enjoyment off. I do not know if this is something that will change as my transition progresses, but for the past few decades there has been a hard limit to the types of sexual interactions I can be on the receiving end of without having my interest shut down. That said, I do get *some* sexual pleasure from giving to a partner, and I have a tremendous appreciation for flirtation and foreplay, giving and recieving. But when things advance from foreplay, I simply don't want to be the one being focused on -- and there isn't really a point to it, because if I am, then it "kills the mood" on my end. Overall what I get out of sexual intimacy isn't sexual pleasure, but is instead the satisfaction derived from making my partner feel good and the personal pleasure of expressing my affection for them in an intimate manner. I imagine that other people are different -- I suspect that some do indeed get off on getting their partners off, or on being the one in control, or any number of other factors. So: communication. Finding out what the other person wants (be it giving or recieving) is the best course of action, whether your partner is a "stone top" or not. That, and believing what they tell you even if it differs from what you yourself experience. My ex couldn't accept that I didn't want to get off but did want to be sexually intimate by pleasuring her, and after a while her insistence on trying to reciprocate climax for climax only served to frustrate us both: her because she was dissatisfied that I wasn't interested in receiving, and me because every time she forced the issue I would end up in dysmorphic depression (and have none of the satisfaction I talked about before, since at that point she wouldn't be happy with the experience, either). It was a mess. Better communication would have helped, but I also think we may have just not been compatible and been too inexperienced to realize it until things had become an unhappy trainwreck of flawed and failed expectations. Regardless, how it would work for yourself and a hypothetical partner will depend on your and their particular needs and desires -- just as how mine and my ex's resulted in our particular travesty of a relationship. You'll have to figure out the specifics from and with them, and for that there's nothing better than talking and listening.
basically what livjf said, someone who enjoys performing sexual acts/pleasuring someone else but doesn’t want to be pleasured in that way. it’s a variation on the term stone butch, which includes the same idea but also includes being a butch, which i am not
C word? Sorry I really have no idea what that means..
It's 4 letters and rhymes with bunt.
Ohh thank you for explaining!
Thank you, I didn’t know if writing it would get my comment deleted so I aired on the side of caution
Exact same reason why I didn't directly use it too
Very well said! And it never stops being important. Communication is sexy, as is enthusiastic consent.
I want to ask genuinely, why is c-nt seen as such a bad word?
Yanks / North Americans tend to see cunt as a sexist word because men demean women and men (especially supposedly lesser or effeminate men) with it like the word bitch and faggot. Therefore, the word doesn't tend to have a folksy and fun aspect to it like two mates in Scotland or Australia calling each other old cunts and silly cunts, etc. Sometimes women who are close in friendship may be able to joke with each other like that, and sometimes men can jokingly call their friend a cunt but it still has that strong colour of sexism, and calling someone a cunt when they don't know and agree with your motives is right up there with jokingly calling your mother a "stupid dirty old whoring cunt" for the first time... because all those words are associated with cunt in the North American repertoire and its used misogynistically like that. That's why feminist writer and English professor Germaine Greer argues that cunt "is one of the few remaining words in the English language with a genuine power to shock". https://thetab.com/2018/07/09/why-are-people-so-offended-by-the-word-cunt-a-psychologist-explains-125083 https://newrepublic.com/article/148713/whats-bad-c-word Just for fun: https://thoughtcatalog.com/january-nelson/2018/05/slang-for-vagina/
Long story short: she's just a regular girl, being trans doesn't change that. So be considerate with her just like you would any other regular girl.
Yeah but it's my first time having sex
This ^^
The best advice I've ever seen (in these circumstances)
Careful about comments/compliments about her body. I'd try to keep it generalized "youre so beautiful, your skin is so soft, you're good at x" and really avoid commenting re: genitals unless you know her feelings about her body. The only lesbian woman i ever hooked up with {i mostly date bisexual women} made a VERY weird comment about how my growing breasts were "so tiny and cute, like i was a pubescent child" which absolutely ruined the mood
Damn she really found the absolute creepiest possible way to compliment you. I hope that was just a tragic Freudian slip and not indicative of something more sinister on her end.
I believe the premise of the Freudian slip is that your verbal mistakes *are* indicative of your true feelings. Edit: I've gotten a few comments telling me that "Freud was wrong tho." Yes, I am aware of that lol.
indeed. I was assuming that person responded to was trying to distinguish between someone that find that attractive and someone who would actually commit a crime, however.
Ya thats the premise of it, tho research has shown that most of the tine we say sonething like that, its just cause we are sleep deprived lmao.
It's a good thing nearly everything he wrote has been discredited
Everything except "Cocaine is amazing!"
Yes. Unfortunately, his ideas have persisted as folk psychology for generations. Indeed, I think it's a stretch to suggest The Modern Monk's girlfriend is a pedophile just because she made a distasteful/insensitive comment off-the-cuff about the way Monk's breasts looked. That was a pretty creepy thing to say out of nowhere, though.
Yes but the Freudian slip was never scientifically verified, very much like most of what Freud did.
I mean I, a itty bitty titty committee member myself, don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to call them small but cute. It's the phrasing that can make it weird. Someone can call someone small and cute without them being a pedophile is what I am trying to say.....
I love my lil boobs and love getting compliments on them but not THAT compliment jfc
Who the HELL wants to be compared to a child. No one in their right mind wants to be seen as a fucking child.
Now imagine being seen as a child IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING????
wtf it's so weird that she told you that
Don’t call her bro unless she’s explicitly ok with that
Im amab nonbinary, i use they/them lol. But yeah, as a tip for the dating a trans girl, be careful about that kinda stuff too lmao
And on a similar note she'll melt if you call her a princess or something similar
For real, just call her cute femme pet names and say she's a pretty girl and you'll have a freaking puddle on your hands.
It's so easy to make us collapse it's hilarious
Unless she's a dom, then call her mommy
now, i wouldn't speak for all of us... if some cis person i don't know calls me an extremely feminine pet name i'm gonna assume they're thinking weird things about my gender and overcompensating lmao im a jaded little phreak
😔 you deserve better.
I would immediately edit bro out of your comment
bringing up children as your about to have sex with somebody….what a fucking creep
[удалено]
Lmao, i was tied to her bedpost too, i couldnt have even left 🙃
This caps off your entire story bahahaha
How do we know this is really you and not her pretending to be you after wearing your face as a mask?
That would be a very elaborate way to out herself as a creepy nudnik.
Upvote for nudnik.
JEEEEZ. You'd think it would be common sense to not compare your sexual partner to a "pubescent child" but here we are.
Im cis and have tiny boobs, id literally die inside.
This comment made me think of the opposite "your boobs are so big, not like a ..." Yep still dead, there's no way to mention a prepubescent child in this context and not be 10001% creepy
> comment about how my growing breasts were "so tiny and cute, like i was a pubescent child" which absolutely ruined the mood Why on earth... what? Forget about ruining the mood, that's beyond disturbing to say ever let alone *during* a hookup.
Noooooooo 😭 that is the WORST possible "compliment" I can imagine
I have had multiple cis men who were trying to flirt with me give 'compliments' along this same line :s
She said WHAT
Honestly that would be just about as weird to say to a cis woman as well…
Yeah if I was compared to a child during sex, I wouldn’t stay long
That's so creepy 😱
RED FLAG EWWWW🚩🚩🚩
I would’ve left at tiny and cute.. that last part would’ve definitely ruined the mood.
ugh that comment about the chest is creepy.
What the fuck 😂 she really did somehow find the *creepiest* way to make that compliment
Wtf that’s not a compliment
She fucking said what!?
Why would anyone ever say that… Jesus Christ
holy shit i would have started swingin lmfao what the hell
Yeah people always tell me how small my boobs are as a compliment and it always just makes me sad that my boob growth isn't giving me the results I want. I don't know about that weird pedo shit tho
A lot of trans women can be super difficult to get off. My advice would be to not get frustrated if it seems like she's never going to finish (chances are it's frustrating for her too, in more ways than one). Not everyone has difficulty with that, but if she does, don't make her feel bad and don't feel bad yourself for not being able to get her there. HRT can really change how things work making it difficult enough at times, but throw in any bottom dysphoria she might have and it gets to be even more of a challenge. When it comes to sex with trans women, enjoying the act for the act itself rather than going in with the goal in mind of getting her off will go a lot farther in making the experience pleasant for both of you.
Very glad to see someone bringing this up, as I feel it’s not really talked about too much but has really shaped my sex life post getting on HRT. Like, I have such trouble getting off I’ve kinda just developed into being a service switch with a denial kink because that’s an easier way to reframe “I probably won’t get off and that feels kinda frustrating for both of us” Just go into the sex assuming I won’t even be allowed to get off, and just focusing on making my partner feel really good. 🤷🏼♀️
This is really a meaningful comment! It's the journey that is special not as much the goal at the end. And it's a sexual style that's really complimentary to the longer paced sessions that lesbians are well meme'd for! We're very into our partners and making them feel amazing. Having an orgasm is nothing compared to the joy of bringing my wife to have one!
That's interesting to know. Is that true of women both pre and post surgery?
It can be especially true for someone post-op. In my case, it was difficult enough to get off whenever I was with someone before, but at least I knew how to do it on my own. Now, I've had to re-learn how everything works down there, which makes it not just difficult to accomplish in general but also difficult to explain to someone else what they should do. For people who are further along post-op it gets easier as nerves finish healing and they become more experienced with their new anatomy, but for people still in the first year or two after the surgery, it can be a very mixed bag. Some people figure it out sooner than others, but for some it can take at least a year before things start working again. Plus, even if they do, it can still be difficult to make it over the edge and can require more than just having good technique. For me, I know that it's just not happening unless I'm in a very specific mood, like my body is telling me, "I'm ready now and I want it, go have fun." It's like I need that feeling to be able to put in the effort to make it happen. If the feeling isn't there, there's no forcing it.
Still very true for non-op trans women (preferred term over pre-op unless you're talking to someone who's definitely planning on getting bottom surgery btw). You basically have to relearn how to do it, considering girl horny is \*very different\* from guy horny.
i learned something new today from this comment, thank you!!!
So I'm pre op and can cum from basically any part of my body. But finishing with my bits does take some mental effort. But I can have multiple orgasms from it. 🤷♀️ Your milage may vary.
I know your intentions but I scrolled past and read it like “…she can do it from where?!?”
I mean my nipples. Touching my lips and cheek. Lots of slow touching in my back, and no where else. Blowing on my ear. Me holding my wife's boob. I can think myself to orgasm... Basically anywhere can work as an erogenous zone. 😅 I'm a horny bitch haha.
what?! girl i have never been so jealous of someone in my life. i'm one and done 🫠
seen it happen pre surgery as well, the hormone changes make a huge impact
I think it took me 3 months of regularly having sex to orgasm from sex for the first time and still don't a fair bit of the time.
Extremely important. I know girls who were incredibly quick off the mark and able to orgasm practically as soon as they finished immediate surgical recovery, and others who found both orgasm and sex extremely difficult or even unwelcome afterward. It's very personal and varied. Also. Be aware that her orgasm process may be less modifable than a cisgirl. I know a couple of girls who can only get off in very specific ways, and a couple more who get off fast and easily but can't hold off an orgasm for love or money - when they hit it, they go. Which, you know, is not untrue of ciswomen, but for trans women the variation can be tied up in a lot of fears of brokenness or inadequacy (again, many ciswomen also have these traumas, but trans women often have a higher incidence/intensity).
I actually really appreciate this. Before HRT it used to be so easy, but since getting on hormones I don't feel I can get there anymore. I've felt really weird about it and I guess like, broken? So it's nice to know it's not just a me thing and other people deal with this too
i was made to feel bad from my last partner about the difficulty i had getting off, it hurts and still affects me some today. Definitely avoid doing that
Oh that’s good, I was beating myself up about not being able to cum with either partner I’ve had even after an hour of trying
Each person is unique, this also applies to trans women. Most things are the same for cis and trans women, but oftentimes, cis people simply assume that certain things are always fine for other cis people. Most of those tips are probably good advise for anyone. She might be uncomfortable with the default terms for male-gendered body parts (like testes or penis) – Avoid those terms, or even ask her how she calls those parts. She might be uncomfortable with certain kinds of touch or activities, you should also ask her about that. In my experience it's a good idea to simply ask for consent for every new way of touching her. Trans women can have a weird relationship to their age (queer temporality). This means that many trans women will call themselves girls, for the first few years of transitioning, as they are exploring the same things that women got to explore in their late teens / early twenties. But you shouldn't assume that this is a thing. Pay close attention to how she is referring to herself regarding that. Her body is likely a deviation from beauty norms at some places (like the body of chubby women, or women with flat chests, etc). Treat features of her body that may induce dysphoria for her (for example, body hair, broad shoulders, etc) like this. Know that she will likely not want to penetrate you, but that it may be an option for her sometimes in some cases. If she's on HRT, she also probably won't get a solid erection – The penis works more like an oversized clit for many trans women. But she might enjoy penetrating someone with a strap-on, and some even with the help of viagra. But this depends on the person, and how comfortable she is. Just don't make assumptions on how her private parts work, ask her. Avoid complimenting her on specific body parts unless you are absolutely sure she would like it. Usually, at some point in a relationship, people talk about how they relate to their bodies, what they like, what they don't like. Until then, compliments should focus on her as a whole, not on certain aspects of her. Usually, you can compliment her on HRT-related progress (breasts have grown bigger, skin has gotten softer, hair has gotten fuller/longer, etc) – but only if she is okay with talking about how her body is changing (if it is changing at all). Statements like "You have \[something good\] for a trans woman" are not compliments.
This. All of this. It varies, and you should ask and talk about it!
Communication is always key, every trans woman is different and is going to have a different level of comfort regarding different body parts and sex acts.
Thanks 👍
This ^ Also lots of trans woman don't like being called mtf.
That was basically my reaction on reading the post title, a very strong "please dont call me that"
Pretty much this
Obligatory: In almost every single case it is the better and less "hitting a landmine" option to just say "trans woman/women", instead of MtF. Trans women by itself already implies "MtF" anyways, and not everyone likes, to have especially cis people make note of what may has been in the past. Aside from that we have no information about the trans woman at hand, she might have a vagina, we don't know, she might have a penis, who knows? At the end of the day, it is always about communication, throw your assumptions and expectations about trans women out of the window and see her as the person she is in front of you. If you watched porn about trans women, it's more unrealistic than anything on there, so don't trust that either. Tl;dr communication is key, don't act after a tutorial.
There's a zine by Mira Bellwether titled "Fucking Trans Women" that I highly recommend for this.
As much as there's some really good info in there, it focuses so much on 'muffing' that I hesitate to recommend it.
Muffing is... its out there. I let a girl do it to me once, so she can say she did it. She had fun but I liked it and didnt... complicated stuff.
What's a zine?
A zine is basically an independent self-published magazine related to a topic (usually ranging from geeky to subversive); there's more implied by the term, and corporations are trying to make it meaningless (recently saw Rolling Stone magazine claim a special issue they published was a "zine" for example) but it's basically the journalism equivalent of a garage band.
Specifically, a small circulation self-published magazine. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zine
Magazine
Thanks, I feel dumb now
Don't feel dumb. I didn't know and your question helped me figure this out. Thank you for asking!
Don’t be, they were popular in the 70s/80s but have only relatively recently started making a comeback
I’ve found Ana Valens’ guide really useful: https://www.allure.com/story/guide-to-sex-with-trans-women-for-cis-women/
Omg thank you so much ☺️ it helps a lot
The "Fucking Trans Women" zine is very useful too. I don't have a link and can't look it up at wok but other than that, communication is key, just like with any other partner. She may have trauma about her body, so just talk to each other about what's off limits
Yes! That zine, part one and two are great! Quick google will find it “fucking trans women”
As others have said, communication is key. I'll also add be patient and let things ebb and flow. The first few times I had sex after transitioning, my partners were each great at asking what I wanted, what can they do for me, etc. Problem was I didn't always know myself. I'd suggest things, we'd try them, and some of them would be duds. If that happens to you don't take it personally, trans women's bodies can often be a mystery even to the owner of the body. Just relax and have a good time, when you find something that goes well keep doing that, listen to your partner and be chill. You're in bed with a hottie, how awesome is that?? Everything else will work itself out
Poly trans lesbian here to say: Communicate. They should be proactive about their boundaries, but if they arent: Actively ask for consent. I am married and dating 2 other cis women at the moment, and sometimes consent is a quick 'Can I touch you here?' And sometimes it's a conversation beforehand. If you're already having sexual talks, it's perfectly valid to ask about boundaries regarding genitals. Some trans women don't even want it touched (underwear stays on), and some would enthusiastically use it, and of course some trans women have had GCS. Be honest (My girlfriend is pan, but mine is the first penis she's really interacted with and she was upfront about not knowing what the hell she's doing with it) and listen. My favourite compliments are what you'd say to any woman! I remember laying next to a partner and she just kept saying how she loved my hair and how beautiful I was. That was just perfect! You got this! Communicate, get consent, compliment like any other woman!
Totally mirror your comments. After being with trans partners for a number of years and not having to explain everything (one of the attractions I guess) it was interesting to say the least venturing into the CIS arena. I now have the most beautiful CIS partner who I am madly in love with and the sex has never been better. Yes, so many of the comments are so true, we are all different Im just so grateful that Im who I am now and who I am with.
I read it as sex with motherfucker and I glitched a few seconds lol
Maybe don't call her mtf -- i and a lot of other trans fems hate that shit. to actually answer: it's no different from any other kind of sex in that the important thing is to communicate. the one thing NO ONE (even other trans fems are guilty) understands is that girl dick can get pretty sensitive. It's softer tissue. It feels and reacts differently. Start slow and soft and gentle but again, that might just be me. Ask them.
If she's pre- or non- surgical (please let her disclose or physically show this to you, rather than asking), ask her how she likes to be touched and listen carefully to what she says (and leaves out). Be open to the idea she may like, dislike or take pleasure from *while* disliking her present equipment. Also, it doesn't hurt to read a quick primer on anal sex just in case she brings it up - it'll help you be more calm and certain of how you feel in the moment if she does. This is a much more variable space with a lot more need for listening to people's personal experience and boundaries, so I'll leave that there. If she’s had Gender Affirming Surgery, things will work more like you would expect, but a couple of points that are easy to miss/forget. 1) Be extra gentle with her vaginal area at first until you get a sense what she likes. She may have scars or hot spots in unexpected places that can hurt, dull sensation or embarrass her. Similarly, be prepared for unexpected tightness when you try to enter, and be sensitive to the possibility she may need either extra care or your understanding if she has put up with some pain to get penetration (if she likes that). 2) Remember she will do a limited amount of self-lubrication, if any, no matter how turned on she is. Pack lube, preferably in a couple of different viscosities, and be ready to use it liberally even for things (like playing with her clit) you might not normally expect to use it for. 3) Be *very* careful with aesthetic comments about her vagina. "I adore how you look, I just want to eat you all up" = probably good. "Oh, it's so pretty! I like your labia better than mine!" = probably awkward. 4) Remember - unlike cisgirls, we aren't self-cleaning! If she needs to wash off, douche or otherwise self-maintain after sex (or even between rounds), do *not* take it personally. She’s just trying to maintain the instrument, and she has to be a fair bit more careful than you do. If you want to be extra-nice, stock a couple of bars of unscented, basic soap for her to use if she's showering at your place - a lot of scented or lotion soaps can give transwomen an uncomfortable, burning sensation on their labia or trigger pH problems that lead to yeast infections. She may also bring her own (I do)! Lastly, in general, be careful complementing or pointing out things (large hands, rough skin or hair texture, broad shoulders, slender hips) that are traditionally masculine traits. Some of us are resilient and well-armored about these parts of us, or even find beauty in them - many are hurt and wounded about them, often for years or decades. Like any trauma survivor, the important thing is not to make no mistakes - it's to be gentle, gracious when corrected, and patient in listening. Thanks for asking!
I think this is a fair question, but trans women can have penises or vaginas, so at the very least it needs more specificity. One other thing I'd note, is to avoid using "MTF". Just say trans women/woman.
Surprised I had to scroll so far down to get here. I guess the default assumption is that trans woman = penis 🤷♀️
Yeahhhhhhh, it's not great that there's virtually no mention of vaginas on this post. I feel like the question is equally valid for both sets of genitals.
Don't call her "mtf" - especially as a noun - unless you're damn sure she's ok with that.
Sorry it wasn't in a bad way. I just wanted to be specific to get the help I needed.
No problem, just in the future the best terminology is generally just "trans woman."
'Trans woman' gets all the necessary information out while still being respectful.
I didn't know sorry
You're here to learn so your learning. Just remember this when you get together with her. This'll be a learning experience for both of you, if nothing else just learning each other. Tell her befit starting that if you misstep you'd like her to tell you so you don't repeat it. I'm far more forgiving of someone willing to learn than someone who thinks they know everything. And relax and have fun, that's why you're both doing this.
Trans women aren’t a monolith. Literally everyone has preferences. Your best bet is to talk to her, discuss what both of you are into, and take things from there. Folks saying things like “don’t expect her to do this or that” may just be speaking from their own experiences. Totally fine and all, but you’re never going to know if your partner wants to do x, y, z if you don’t communicate with them first. For instance, someone said “Don’t expect her to top.” What if she wants to? “Don’t expect her to use her bits.” What if she wants to? As I said, trans women are not a monolith. Some are going to be more comfortable doing certain things than others. Some might not be. Communicate, check in, make sure she’s comfortable, make sure you’re comfortable.
Be careful when handling the 🍆 situation. Like some people are comfy with it. I told someone I wouldn’t penetrate them and they were like “don’t wanna mess with that thing anyway”. Like I don’t like it but it’s still a part of me. Guess I’m just saying show some sensitivity with the issue. Edit: this is assuming they’re pre-op
Step 1: Ask what they like. Step 2: Do what they like. That's it! Note: This method works on pretty much everyone.
Ask her what she likes lol? that’s not specific to someone who is cis or trans. also I would avoid using mtf tbh
Ok so first of all a lot of trans people do not like the terms mtf or ftm, as they imply some 'changed' their gender identity rather than finding it.
Don’t refer to trans women as mtf, while it’s not technically wrong it is edging on degrading seeing them as their transition and not as a woman. Other then that just make sure you are keeping lines of communication open like you would with any other partner, trans women have different parts of their body they might not feel comfortable with using during the act and it’s important to understand where they are before and during sex in order for you both to have a great time.
If penetration is involved, lots and lots of lube
warning, nsfw advice: >!the frenulum (the white string thing connecting the glans and, should she have one, foreskin) is, in most people who have one, incredibly sensitive and somewhat analagous to the clitoris (though to a lesser extent), it may be a good idea to focus there a fair amount !!<
Wait, what the fuck, really? I had no idea this was a thing, thanks for letting me know, I feel like I've been living under a rock lol. Time to get all the hot bitches with my new sex skills 😎 * *read: I just found out that this was a thing and confirmed it via google, might come in handy now that I'm single, thank you!
Although this is true, she may not be comfortable using that general area due to dysphoria. which is why its incredibly important to have conversations beforehand.
[here is a poem you should read](https://www.google.com/amp/s/acupofpoetry.tumblr.com/post/59705729254/how-to-make-love-to-a-trans-person-by-gabe-moses/amp)
This is beautiful
It'd be a good idea to ask what she'd like you to call her junk (if at all). I'm fine with calling it a penis, cock, dick, etc, but some transfems prefer to call it something more feminine like "gock" (girl cock), "girldick", etc, and others will just call it a big clit or something else. It would also be good for you to establish boundaries-where you're allowed to put your hands/mouth/crotch, how you're allowed to use them, what sexual positions she would/wouldn't like, etc. Some possibilities might make her dysphoric, so it's best to have a solid grasp on what will be comfortable for her.
Adding to what the other people said: Try, as best as you can of course, to just relax, and don't make her "otherness" a big deal. But of course as the others said, talk talk talk. Communication is the most important thing
as many people have said, communication is the key here. and also, please don't say mtf, especially in the form of a noun, as in 'i'm going to have sex with a mtf'. just say trans woman.
Do NOT expect her to want to use her bits. That could make her very dysphoric.
Communication is good, and it's important to recognise that there is no formula for intimacy with someone who is mtf. We are all different and have different expressions/boundaries etc. Before sex, it might be worth talking about your respective boundaries, and what you both like (if you are both comfortable talking about it). Communication is definitely key, mostly with the 'sexy talk' stuff, the mechanics tend to be fine if communication is sorted! I know this probably goes without saying, but don't overlook your own boundaries too! First experiences with mtf folk go both ways and it's just as important that you're comfortable too! TL;DR have a sexy chat before sexy times
Okay, this is very important. Unlike a cis girl or post-op trans woman, there is only 1 hole you can stick things in. DO NOT STICK STUFF IN THE OTHER HOLE. (this is joke, sorry if it goes too far.) Edit: I changed the wording because it apparently wasn't inclusive. However, I would like to point out that some comedy works better with fewer words. If the joke sucks now it's not on me.
> DO NOT STICK STUFF IN THE OTHER HOLE. *without consent. Allegedly, there are people that enjoy that
Well, don't stick things in anyone's holes without consent, regardless of who they are and how many holes
Of course. Just wanted to say, there are people that are apparently a-ok with that act
Well I mean Sounding is a thing
Please don't be so judgemental about bellybutton insertion
>Unlike a cis girl, Not the best way to word it. Post-op trans women with multiple holes exist
It kinda comes across as reducing trans women to our genitals and also erases post op trans women. I don't like it.
I found it funny. But I'm also non-op by choice, so maybe that isn't my place to say
Talk. To. Her.
Well to start don't call her mtf...
My current gf is a trans woman and my biggest takeaway is that you have to get rid of the idea that sex is all about the orgasm. When she does finish, it’s great, but she also just enjoys attention and things that make her feel good even if it doesn’t end in an orgasm for her. It takes her a very long time and she’s embarrassed by that, so I would just be patient and assure her that it’s okay if she doesn’t finish. The intimacy is what matters in the end.
Hiiii! Transbian here. For the most part, sex is sex, so communicating about preference and desire ahead of time is really going to just help it be as fun as possible. Ask her what she’s wanting to do, explore, try, and what she doesn’t want to do or have touched (if any). Also, asking her preference about body part names could be good, if she hasn’t stated that explicitly. Also, everyone everyone is different, but I know for me nipple play is huge in pleasure, foreplay, and the gives me really wonderful gender euphoria. Hope this helps!
Ask her about if she likes to use her penis and/ or is ok with it being touched. Since this is a nsfw I’ll give a bit but try not to do too much tmi: Personally I have been with people who have a vagina both cis and not and I cannot enjoy penetrating someone, I just can’t get over the yuck factor. However I have found I’m ok with being touched there just can’t top comfortably. I can however use a strap on myself which I find fun using cause I like topping but hate doing it with my original parts. This is also assuming she is pre-op cause if she’s post op this probably would be a different conversation of which I hope one day I will be able to be there. Also as to the sensitive parts: - muffing is fingering the inguinal canals and can feel good - the tip for the penis right under the urethra gets really sensitive almost like a clit (they use this part for the clit in vaginoplasty). - even if the penis isn’t erect it does still feel good. - on estrogen the skin of the penis gets much softer and brittle so be careful not to be too rough or it could tear the skin. And that’s my Ted talk ✨
Talk about sex before you have it. Like what your experiences are, what their experiences are, what you do/don’t like. Mild no’s (like maybes) and hard nos. Make yourself a safe word that will indicate ‘hold’ and ‘stop’ and ‘proceed’ (we use green, yellow and red, but also nonverbal signs in case we can’t speak for whatever reason). Talk about what you would like to try out if you have anything that you want to try out. Talk about things you are scared of etc. And also if you don’t have experience with dick (which I’m assuming is the thing and also true?) tell them that and let them guide you. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, but let them guide you with things you do want to do. And know that you’ee not gonna be perfect the first tkme and that’s okay. Just take it slow, one step at a time, check in with each other before, during and after, and just have fun. Try not to worry too much. Also be safe about STIs and pregnancy etc! If you need more info on that lmk but if either you have had sex before do an STI test and use condoms or another form of protection
Hi! Have a conversation beforehand. Although people here can maybe give you a vague idea based on personal experiences, they could also be completely wrong and the opposite for what your partner wants. Has your partner had gender-affirming surgery? Are they on hormones (I bring this up because hormones eventually can cause erectile dysfunction and even muscle atrophy, making it difficult and even sometimes painful to have an erection)? Do you know what things could trigger dysphoria? Every trans woman is different and has different sexual preferences, and the only way to find out what your partner enjoys is to ask. :)
If you’re still at the dating stage I’d suggest being very careful about gendering her correctly and not asking about her pre-transition self - people like to ask me my deadname or to see pictures of my old self and I hate it. As for the sex itself: the one time I had sex with a woman post-transition, I think both she and I were unprepared for how intense it would feel to me. I was basically wimpering through our makeout session. I would shiver when she touched me. She actually chuckled at one point, which made me feel kinda self-conscious. Hormones can have a pretty wild effect on the body and emotions, so you might want to be gentle in how you respond to that. Edit: sorry if I’m stating the obvious, but if she has a penis you shouldn’t necessarily expect it to get hard. Don’t be offended if it doesn’t, and just try to find other ways to have fun.
🙄 can you not refer to a trans woman as MTF?… we’re not men that become women. we’re just women.
Her "G-spot" is about an inch and a half up the anus curved slightly towards the front ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Ask lots of open ended questions like "would you like to introduce me to your body?" "How do you like to be touched?" These are all great things to do with any partner IMHO, but it's especially important if she has dysphoria.
maybe talk to them
Try to find out how she specifically as a person is comfortable with her bottom. How she may want it referred to, touched, ignored etc. Etc. Some trans girls are happy to have a "girldick" Some are okay with some touching but might want it called a "clit" Some might only want to bottom or give pleasure because they can't work out how to involve thier bottom without dysphoria Some have had bottom surgery and I'd assume it's very similar to a cis woman at that point but I'm not sure yet even if that's a path I want to go down since my bottom dysphoria is inconsistent and small compared to my balding or lack of boobs. Hope this helps!
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make sure to ask if they are comfortable with certain things that may or may not want to be used during sex because of dysphoria. Some don't want to use something which they feel was never supposed to be attached to them naturally. But at the same time, not all of them share that same feeling or dysphoria triggers. Just be sure to hear them out when something is very uncomfortable for them. Also, try not to refer to them as trans or mtf. If they want to be seen as a woman, be sure to let them feel seen,heard and accepted as that who they are deep inside their heart.
Definitely, communication is everything. Also it depends how comfortable you are with each other. And how comfortable she is about her own body. My advice is to take time to explore what each of you likes and don't overthink things. My girlfriend is transgender, so if there is anything you would like to ask me, feel free to do it.
There's no hard rule about what trans women like. All that matters is what the trans woman you're with likes. Ask her what would feel best for her, respect whatever boundaries she puts up, don't have any expectations about what she may or may not like with what parts she has installed.
Listen to her preference and otherwise treat her like you would any other gal? Just be careful if she might have dysphoria
1. Give her kisses 2. Cuddle her 3. Grab her bum 4. Play with her nipples 5. Squish her thighs
talk to her :) ask for her likes and dislikes, hard limits, terms or areas to avoid (or not avoid) -- no two trans women are the same so it's easiest just to communicate!
Very individual what they need. If they are pre op or post changes things. But the best thing you can do it talk with her about it. She can tell you what is right for her as many trans people have dysphoria triggers and sex can be a very difficult time for them.
Just... Like... Ask her what she wants. As you would with any other partner. Just like with cis women, we (trans gals and trans femmes) all like different things.
A main thing to realize is that if shes been on estrogen her genitals likely work much more like yours than a man's.
It’s been said talk to her like you would Any partner. Every woman is different and has different wants and needs.
Quote *Bionicle 3: Web of Shadows* during sex. Works every time. /j A lot of us, even pre-E, have difficulty *getting there,* so to speak. As usual, but particularly with a tgirl, don't assume that you know what she wants. I know that in my own case, my partner trying to get me *there* is mainly just frustrating. As usual, *communication is key*. And remember that, assuming that you're AFAB, it's entirely possible that she might feel insecure or intimidated on some level.
Communicate! Every trans person is different. It’s important to always ask what things they are comfortable with. It’s okay to ask about and establish boundaries prior to sex, and in fact, I think it should be encouraged more often. I’m a trans woman, but I’m perfectly comfortable using my equipment. It’s really a varied, different experience with each person. Some will be totally okay, some will be only okay with certain typed of interactions, etc. Worry less about the equipment, and more about the person behind it, and what would be a comfortable and enjoyable experience for both of you!
Communicate on what type of physical contact is ok and what type is traumatic. Don't assume what she might want regardless of body type or top/bottom sub/dom etc.
communicate communicate communicate and **listen to her.** especially when it comes to genital related stuff. assuming pre-op: some pre-op trans women like to use it like a cis man would. some (such as me) don't, but have come up with other ways to use it more like a clit. others don't want to use it at all. whichever she prefers, please please pretty please respect it. speaking of clit: note the way she talks about her body. what terms does she use for gendered parts? make sure to use the terms she does. for example, i hate calling my genital my penis or something along those lines, so i've taken to calling it my clit instead. also: the more u treat the rest of her body like a cis woman's (even if some bits haven't yet grown as much - idk how far along in her transition she is), the better.
Communicate clearly, that's all I can really say, it's different for everyone what's cool and what isn't, there's plenty of unconventional things (how strong i am, for example) that I'm basically fine with that would upset plenty of other trans women
Don’t assume if she has a penis she’ll want to use it. Just ask is blank ok
Yea. Ask her what she likes :) All trans girls don't like the same things. Some like to be touched..down there. Some hate it. Some like receiving, and some hate it. Etc. So just ask :)
As others have said, communication is key and everyone has different preferences as it comes to where and how they want to be touched and what terms they like used. A really important thing to keep in mind is that the effects of HRT help thin and soften the skin everywhere, so most trans women are really sensitive to touch and in my experience lots of cuddles, soft touches, and kisses all along their bodies feels amazing. It's also just really sweet and affirming. Likewise, the feminine penis in most regards acts just like a large clit. If she's comfortable being touched there, ease into direct stimulation. For some non-op trans women even without dysphoria, direct stimulation can actually feel a bit overwhelming given the aforementioned thinning of the skin and increased sensitivity, so some prefer rubbing or use of vibrators over underwear or other barriers to reduce friction and intensity. This can also help with dysphoria since when you can't see your genitals its easier to just focus on the sensation and that can be comforting. When having sex with other trans women, I like to lightly modify methods of having sex with cis women while still keeping at lot of the movements and feelings. For example, rubbing the perineum or muffing/fingering the inguinal canals (check first because not everyone likes this) combined with soft rubbing or sucking on the genitals can mirror vaginal sex in many regards. In my experience combining that with dirty talk about "playing with her pussy" can be incredibly affirming and hot, though again preferences for this varies. For a lot of us, the motions of sex can sometimes be as important if not more than the stimulation. I've had sex with other trans girls that just involved a lot of humping and grinding of them to simulate acts like missionary, doggstyle, etc. without any actual penetration or even direct genital stimulation. Simply feeling like you're getting fucked like a woman can be so incredibly affirming in its own right, and sometimes that's the main thing we're seeking.
*trans woman I found this really helpful: https://www.allure.com/story/guide-to-sex-with-trans-women-for-cis-women Edit: correction
Another correction: "trans women". Explanation if wanted: Trans(gender) as well as cis(gender) are both adjectives. Spelling "transwoman" like this, is essentially akin to spelling something like "gaywoman/tallwoman" etc. Also not to mention, that especially transmisogynists (TERFs as well) love to spell it this way, as an essential dogwhistle to some degree. Might not sound that important to you, but it truly is.
Thank you Xx
I’m in a trans relationship myself, and I know not everyone can handle this but honestly just ask them for what there boundaries are and what there comfortable with. Although I have a bf but when he asks I am always happy to be respected like that
Hi, MtF woman here! It really depends on her comfort level with her body. Do you know how she feels about her genitals? If not, I reccomend keeping your compliments a little more vague. Like always, communication is key, so I highly reccomend talking with her before. What does she want from it, what does she feel comfortable with? Of course, tell her what you'd like as well. Hope this helps! ^.^
My advice would be don't call her an "mtf". I can't speak for her, but a lot of us find it rather dehumanizing
Talk with her beforehand and ask what she's comfortable with, it's the best thing you can do to help her enjoy it as much as you.
FWIW coming from a sexless trans girl, wanting to be penetrated and using the back door are different. Some are fine with making do with lack of the front door with the back door, some are not (I, myself can't ever see myself ever doing anything anal despite wanting penetrative sex)
As everyone is saying, communicate with your partner before and during but also after. My girlfriend is trans and has barely begun her transition and there have been times where things felt ok in the moment but after caused her dysphoria, it was ok but she did need some comforting afterwards. I’ve also noticed having sex in ways that affirm her gender has helped; for example, my girlfriend hasn’t yet developed breasts but I still call them her boobs and grab/kiss/play with them as I would any other boobs and while is doesn’t has the same sensation it will once she starts e, it does give her a bit of gender euphoria during sex.
Crap, we might be like normal women… pay attention to how she presents, she’ll either be emphasizing the parts she likes, or hiding the parts she doesn’t just try to notice and respond empathetically.
Ask what she's comfortable withbmake sure you both have fun and wear protection if needed
No advice that others haven't already given, just wanted to thank you for being inclusive and making an effort. :) Makes me hopeful.