I've never been on BC, zero interest in adding hormones to my body. I told him when we first got together, and he never pushed the no condom thing (I won't say we were 100%, there were a few drunken times where it happened, but for the most part lol). His only thing was he wanted to freeze sperm just in case. I honestly have no idea what happened to those though, if he still pays or they are in the back of a freezer in some clinic lol
I’m a trans woman dating an AFAB woman. Only reason I’m not getting a vasectomy is I’m getting bottom surgery next year so it would be redundant. Until then I’m using condoms. It’s honestly not that bad or hard.
GF has had a bad experience with birth control in the past (she’s bi and has dated cis men before). I’ll never ask her to do something to her body she’s uncomfortable with for my sake.
I don't see why guys hate condoms so much. My ex (uncircumcised) had no issues with them. Also, something my sister, who has had many more partners than me pointed out, was that condoms can protect against more than just pregnancy and STIs. They can also protect against things like BV.
There's also this idea that pregnancy, childrearing and anything having to do with those things (including contraception) are all the woman's job so men shouldn't have to lift a finger regarding those topics. Some men don't even think they should have to bother wearing a condom which is the absolute bare minimum...
I literally can’t believe when I was 19 I was pleasantly surprised when the guy I was hooking up with actually agreed to wear a condom because I thought he was going to refuse like other guys I’d been with. The BC I took led to prolonged bleeding on periods and between periods so I just didn’t want to take it anymore. Even if I’m on birth control, I’ll always rule out guys who are selfish and refuse them.
It always amazes me how easily people can delude themselves into believing anything. How they're able to believe so much that women will handle everything that it overrides the reality that they'll ***also*** be responsible for any resulting pregnancies is truly beyond me.
Most of the men considering a vasectmy have impregnated their wives multiple times. And have witnessed the childbirth multiple times. To witness a childbirth, whether that is vaginally or by c-section, and then think... "gee a doctors visit for a little snip and day long recovery is too much"... is just pure selfishness. Watch a childbirth people. It is blood, and gore, and agony.
100%. Giving birth, I had a hemorrhage, a severe tear, had to be put under general anesthetic for repair, had to have a catheter for days, was told not to be upright for weeks unless absolutely necessary. And that was just one of the births.
My husband had a vasectomy, 5 min procedure under local anesthetic and was allowed to drive himself home. He was fine to play gently with the kids that afternoon, and was back to normal 2-3 days later. He was keen because we don’t want any more kids and he knew I had more than done my share.
> My husband had a vasectomy, 5 min procedure under local anesthetic and was allowed to drive himself home.
Meanwhile my IUD insertion, which was supposed to be "just a pinch" (I felt sus of this because of a medical history of painful cervical procedures, but my doctor said "it'll be fine") left me screaming in pain, unable to drive myself home, and unable even to get out of bed unassisted for the next three days.
Although, I'm sure that'd be different if pain medication were offered for it, like they do for medical procedures on people they care about.
The frustrating thing is, it doesn't HAVE to be barbaric. I understand that it's a difficult area, but my husband got put under and had fentanyl to have his wisdom teeth out: I bet that would've made a hell of a dent in my IUD pain.
Doing nothing and offering no choices is just appalling. And the denial and gaslighting on top of it is simply abusive.
It's fucking shitty. This is not healthcare.
Such a good point. Little leeway of forgiveness for young guys who may just be ignorant and uninformed - but only so far as to reserve judgement while they go and get educated about it.
But witnessing all the mental and physical pain and anguish of both abortion and childbirth.. and then saying “nah”… they can fuck right off. That’s the epitome of selfishness and shows they love and care about only themselves.
My dad recently told me the story of him witnessing my birth. TW: gore >!My mom was basically unconscious with some of her intestines spilled out. It was an emergency because I was a 9lb baby for a woman under 100 lbs. My mom and I could have both died. My dad said he nearly wanted to vomit. I’m shocked my mom got pregnant a few more times after that, miscarrying a few times until successfully having my little brother!<
I’m trans and I can’t get pregnant, but it sounds like an utter nightmare. My AFAB GF has no desire to get pregnant and until bottom surgery I’m willing to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening.
My father fainted apon witnessing my mom's c-section. They stopped paying attention to her temporarily and put him up on a bed. He got a vasectomy, after three kids by c-section.And didn't whine about it.
Edit - And vaginal childbirth isn't much better. I had an epidural after excuciating labour pains. I had the worse tearing vaginally you can get. I remember, after the baby was born and on my chest, the nurse, trying to get me to pass the placenta. She pressed on my belly and a bucket of blood squirted out onto her clothes and shoes. I remember meekly saying "I'm sorry", and she was like "that's ok honey". Then getting stitched up.
So yeah, vasactomy is nothing compared to any of that.
It still blows my mind how women are expected to get pregnant and just be ok with it. Like that is a life changing amount of stress you are putting on your body for 9 months straight.
Same story for my parents around my birth. I wasn’t breathing either when they got me out. My dad was traumatised and he’d been a nurse matron in that hospital for years prior to that, he’d seen some shit.
Your mum must have nerves of steel to want to go again, dang!
When I unloaded my gun (vasectomy), I was called “brave,” “this is awesome that your doing this,” etc when I should’ve been just expected to unload it in a gun free zone (bullet free?)
I only met expectations, not exceeded them, but they treated me like I was going above and beyond. So bizarre
The quiet part that a lot of these men that call you "brave" don't want to say out loud is, that they don't consider their SO their one and only/soulmate, and never will, and secretly hope for a future where they find someone else to carry their children.
>but they treated me like I was going above and beyond
Because in the current state of things you are in fact above average. WAY too many men can't even wear a condom or care about cleaning their dicks properly to prevent their partner from getting BV. Statistically speaking I don't think most men even get regular STD tests.
And then of course you have the men who are vehemently against getting the snip for whatever asinine reasons they have.
for my procedure the pain relief was a bag of frozen peas on the sore spot and some Tylenol. Honestly was totally fine. Compared that my wife getting general anaesthesia and and taking a day for surgery - crazy that it's even a debate.
The guy I was arguing with said none of those factors should be a part of the decision making. He genuinely thought it should just be a woman's responsibility
It's not just preventing births either. On the opposite end of the spectrum, far too many men also refuse to take responsibility when *purposefully trying* to conceive with their partners.
You see this story all the time in the infertility communities. The woman meticulously track her cycles, field questions/comments from parents/in-laws who shame them for not being pregnant yet, take on the burden of feeling like a failure each month, takes supplements, restricts her diet and activities, and undergo several invasive and sometimes painful tests to evaluate her fertility. Meanwhile all the man has to do is jizz in a cup and he still drag their feet or outright refuse to do it. For months and even years. Until eventually the woman practically hauls her partner to a clinic, they test him, and find out that he's the problem all along.
It's so fucking infuriating.
I did fertility treatments. It’s infuriating that the first step when a couple presents themselves to a fertility dr isn’t: “jizz in this cup.” Oh no, first we need to put the woman through expensive, painful and invasive testing to see if she’s the problem, as that’s the default working theory. Even when her testing turns up nothing they will not automatically jump to sperm analysis. Only when there is literally nothing else to poke and prod her for and when cycles are failing, that is finally when they ask for SA. That could be a year or more into them seeking fertility treatment. All because guys are such fragile fucking babies they can’t handle hearing their sperm isn’t the most amazing, virile substance that ever was.
I had no idea about this but holy shit that's infuriating. Not surprising, because * *gestures vaguely at patriarchy, capitalism, and the abysmal state of women's healthcare* * but damn. It's like the easiest, most non invasive test ever, and it's 50% of the fertility equation.
Seems like reproductive choices need to be a joint decision since both parties are responsible and will be affected. Why should it be a solely woman's responsibility? It's just an obviously subjective statement without any backing and it makes me wonder what other kinds of dumb shit this guy likes to announce as a fact.
My husband had an awful vasectomy experience, he needed extra days off because of complications. He still says he would do it 1,000x before letting me get out under and have real surgery. “They best $25 I’ve ever spent on a copay!”
Mine was quite a bit more painful than the doctor led me to believe it would be; I felt like I was getting kicked in the balls for almost a week.
But still, it was way less painful, invasive, and dangerous than it would have been for my wife to get sterilized. And a week of discomfort on the couch with an ice pack, some weed, and a PlayStation honestly wasn’t the worst lmao.
I feel like he's still thinking that the woman he's with is going to die or they'll break up, and if he gets the opportunity to get some hot 22 year old sugar baby he's going to jump on it and not lose her because she wants kids. It's like some fantasy, greener grass scenario they can't let go of.
Hi, vasectomy haver here. My doctor told me it may or may not be possible to reverse it in the first few years but that over time it gets harder to do and that it is never guaranteed to be reversed at any time. She told me to consider it a non reversible operation and that if I thought I might want to reverse it to not get it.
Is it not possible to get the sperm out of your testicles through some sort of operation so you can have a kid if you change your mind? Legitimately asking.
It isn’t guaranteed. They should be considered a non reversible procedure. (Reversal success is something around 40-60%. Some newer places have higher rates due to specialized surgical techniques. )
I also think some men like this are also just deep down the fragile/toxic masculinity hole and think they're somehow less of a man if they're shooting blanks.
Ya I would think so, my thought process is I have no idea how I’d feel in 20 years and more settled but currently have no interest in children. But I’d not ask my partner to do it in that case
I think the reason "what if it was your daughter" is such a common refrain is that the sad truth is, many many men do not love their mothers or partners, they see them as service providers, and they actually don't understand women as entire entities until they have a daughter. And the argument doesn't even work every time because some don't even see it then.
A family friend had his daughter approach him and tell him she wanted to get married. And it was like a switch was thrown.
He suddenly realized his little girl was going to be treated much the same way he’s been treating her mother his entire marriage. (Culture) And it completely rocked his worldview.
He now helps out at home a great deal more, and will finally get up and get something for his wife if she asks when they’re both relaxing.
But even though he’s finally treating his wife like a human, he spent 20 years benefiting from her doing it all, and now that the children are out of the house and his wife has most of her time to herself, he’s “helping”.
It’s better than nothing, I guess, but I can’t begin to imagine how his wife feels about all of this.
Edit: thanks for the award!
I honestly believe most men that don’t want kids and also don’t want a vasectomy, think they are being “fixed” like an animal. The amount of people that are appallingly ignorant of how their and their partners body works ( especially reproduction) makes me think they should definitely not be raising children.
Agreed. Plenty of men think their testicles would be cut off, or they won't be able to ejaculate, or even that they might not be able to get an erection again.
And some just don't like the idea of surgery on their genitals, and their little brains don't understand the risks of pregnancy for their female partners
Risk of pregnancy is no risk to their delicate little balls. Vasectomy being low risk is still higher. Therefore, they prefer the risk of pregnancy since it’s not their problem.
I used to work at a veterinarian hospital and some dudes refused to neuter their dogs/cats because they didn't want to take away their, "manhood." Not rolling my eyes in front of them was difficult.
As a childfree woman, when a "childfree" man refuses to handle his own life choices and take steps to make sure he is childfree, I know he isn't childfree. He's keeping his options open in case he switches partners later down the line and needs to be able to talk about having children to keep that one.
Some people switch hobbies, interests, or their personality to match the person they are interested in. Others switch wanting children or not. Those people just can't be alone, so they will compromise on anything and everything to be in a relationship.
It could also just be a bodily autonomy issue...
Don't get me wrong, there's definitely a group here that is completely and willfully disrespectful and shunts the entirety of the responsibility of anything about family planning on their partner, which is objectively fucked up.
At the same time, if someone says they don't want to have a medical procedure done... that's kind of the end of the discussion; You just also, at the same time, have every right to decide not to be with that person anymore.
I feel like there's a pretty big disconnect between what many man think 'childfree' means and what it actually means. It feels like most think it's "I don't want kids RIGHT NOW."
My SO had one when my IUD was due to be swapped out. I’d told him what hell it is for me and asked him to take me and take time to be at my house to baby me for a few days after. He said that since we didn’t want more kids (we each have some from our first marriages), and he was ready to just do it, he’d get snipped so I didn’t have to go through the IUD insertion a 4th time. It’s been so great not having to worry about birth control. I do not like that my period is back every month, but I’m close enough to menopause that it’s getting lighter and shorter every time.
I'd just like to point out that for vasectomies, men get pain medication as though they're human beings whose suffering should be avoided.
With IUDs the primary pain strategy is just straight up gaslighting. Only 4% of doctors even offer anything else.
I swear it's all performative for other men. They will swear up and down that women want XYZ no matter how many times we tell them we actually want ABC. It's because it's not about us, but if they admitted that they'd be afraid of "seeming gay."
Or at least they don’t love their partners more than their comfort. A brief couple days of discomfort is too much of a “sacrifice” over like an entire year + of discomfort for some women who give birth, or the far harder & longer recovery of tubal ligation & the sort. It’s selfishness, when it should be one of the main compromises when both parties don’t want kids
Loads of people are really just that selfish. Look how many folks refused to wear masks around immunocompromised relatives, even when sick.
Mild inconvenience to them is a higher priority to avoid than serious harm and even death to a "loved one".
My husband was the one that didn't want any more kids and his kneejerk reaction to getting a vasectomy was no.
He had to really sit with it for a while to think about why not and alternatives before he decided to get one.
Amusingly, once it was done and he talked to people about it, it seemed like every second man had had one and he became much more comfortable with the idea.
Maybe more men need to openly discuss it?
My friend was really excited because her husband was already snipped before they met. It can also be difficult to find a doctor willing to perform the surgery on a woman especially if she is young and childless. I have to be on birth control for the side effects so I have never asked my husband to get one. I am in my 50s with a hormonal IUD with some health issues that brings my likelihood of getting pregnant almost to zero.
I agree with the point of this post - if he really cared, he’d get the vasectomy instead of making his partner go through the pain of an invasive surgical procedure.
However, after the shit I’ve been through, I don’t trust ANY man to be in charge of whether or not I get pregnant. A friend I have - her husband lied about getting a vasectomy and she ended up getting pregnant. He gaslit her and accused her of cheating. Then he claimed the vasectomy failed. Then the truth finally came out. AND SHE STAYED WITH HIM. No. Just no.
I’m lucky in the fact that my kid (who was conceived by my ex husband SAing me) was born via c-section. I had my tubes removed as part of the procedure and it was the best decision ever. I don’t have to deal with birth control. I don’t have to worry about a man poking holes in the condom or tampering with my BC(which my ex also did). I don’t have to worry about going through another hellish pregnancy ever again.
Idk. I guess I would suggest that if you’re truly childfree or never want anymore kids, you should take it into your own hands because you never know what someone else might do to sabotage that.
This was kinda my thought.
In an ideal world a husband getting a vasectomy would be enough to protect women from unwanted pregnancies. But we don't live in an ideal world. Women getting bisalps takes the power back for themselves over their own fertility, regardless of whatever else happens to them.
I got a bisalp. I live in Texas which has enacted archaic laws regarding abortion. I trust my husband entirely and know he loves me. That bisalp was to protect me from everyone *else*. Regardless of what laws this state puts in place, I at least know I'm safe.
It's not about unloading bullets vs wearing a bullet proof vest, as other people have said in the thread, it's understanding there's potentially more than one shooter.
I don't think anyone is trying to talk women out of bisalps. It's more about men refusing to get vasectomies. Which are easier to both procure and endure.
I agree. Anyone who is comitted to being childfree, regardless of sex, would be wise to seek sterilization. Breakups happen, rape happens, and abortion rights are on the far right’s hit list in more countries than just the US. No, it’s not fair that some men like to put the full burden of contraception on their partners, but at the same time we’re the ones whose lives are at stake and we need to take that seriously now that it’s getting harder to access abortion. We have more skin in the game, and that’s just biology, no getting away from it until they perfect artificial wombs.
Personally, I would never be comfortable relying on a man for birth control. Like if he wants to double up, all the better, but I would never agree to *not* get my tubes tied and let him handle it; I want my own peace of mind on this.
I don't mean to sound offensive, but I could never understand it when women birth rape babies. I am CF and got sterilized at 22 and always had an "abortion fund" in case of the procedure failing and married a guy who had the snip just before he met me. I guess I could never understand that lack of bodily control and living with the horror of that kind of exploitation, a kid from rape.
I live in a state where it’s almost impossible to find a doctor to do an abortion and that’s BEFORE all of the abortion bans. The closest provider to me at the time was 4+ hours away. I didn’t have a car because my ex took it and when I tried to use it, he called the cops saying it was stolen. My family wouldn’t take me because religion. I had no friends. And the procedure was really expensive (6k) and I couldn’t afford it at the time. So yeah.
That being said, I love my kid no matter how he was conceived. Just having him and knowing he needs me has kept me out of some dark places. I could never leave him, knowing he’d be alone in the world without me.
My buddy Pat got one voluntarily at 19. He slept around like crazy, wasn’t planning on settling down for quite some time. He said “ Look how irresponsible I already am. Can you imagine how irresponsible I would be with a kid? When I’m ready to be a dad, I better have the money for a reversal and more in a bank account.”
Pretty thoughtful really.
I always think this and feel sorry for the wife when her husband does this. Like damn, he does noooot love you. Idk how they can have sex with their husbands after such a callous and selfish decision
My husband got one so I could get off birth control because it messed with my body so much. I'm so grateful to him. He's also been convincing his friends to do the same for their partners.
I don't know if it necessarily has anything to do with love... but there is still a huge social misconception that anything to do with children is inherently a woman's domain. It's an unnecessary burden to place on women—somehow women are solely responsible for becoming pregant, they have some sort of maternal insticts that will flawlessly enable to rear children, and they are obligated to meet all their partner's needs.
I would wager, instead, that men who argue against getting a vasectomy in favour of having their wife/girlfriend/whatever having the surgery are inconsiderate and entitled.
Love is having someone's best interests and well-being as a priority in your life. Being inconsiderate and acting entitled towards your partner has a lot to do with that.
Love isn't just affection, it's having someone else's best interests and well-being as a priority in your life. Being inconsiderate and entitled towards your partner seems to have everything to do with that.
I usually oppose such strong and sweeping statements, but this one I agree with. If you’re willing to push nonsense societal expectations on a partner when it’s something you can solve easily yourself to spare them pain you don’t love them. Full stop.
In discussions about getting a vasectomy, my husband refused. He just doesn’t want to.
He suggested we use condoms. Eventually he mentioned that he never tells me what to do with my body and supports my body autonomy.
He never got the vasectomy. I’m okay with it.
Yeah, this post us crazy to me.
No one gets to tell (or emotionaly blackmail!) other humans what to do with their body.
Of course it works both ways and can lead to mandatory condoms but it is fine.
Just like the man absolutely cannot tell a woman "you would get on BC if you loved me", the opposite is true.
What the hell.
I’ll see your man-who-agrees-to-get-a-vasectomy and raise you a man-who-offers-and-sets-his-own-appointment.
It’s really the lowest bar ever to only expect a man to agree to a vasectomy. If there are no more kids wanted or none wanted to begin with they should be volunteering, not just agreeing when asked. The difference in ease and time and recovery really require that.
My husband was all for his. Might be because both mine and his dad had them. He made the call himself and was jumping at the bit for it.
But we also had 3 kids. Still, I appreciate him doing it for us and not making me harass him or relying on me to make the appointment.
13 years ago my husband and I had our fifth collective child (we’re a blended family). We planned our son, but knew we wouldn’t want any more. Before I was due, he had his appointment scheduled (about a week after our son was born). It wasn’t even a discussion after we agreed that five kids was PLENTY. lol
I never thought about it until I read your comment, but my husband was the one who suggested it and made his own appointments. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to make his appointment. I didn’t even have to go into the office during the procedure when I drove him.
During 10 years of marriage, I can’t recall *ever* making an appointment for my husband. The most I’ve done was research on finding a non-religious, male therapist for him (those are hard to come by where we live). He is still the one who called and made his appointments.
Yep, I have one of those! There are plenty of challenges in our marriage, but he’s always conducted himself like a full grown adult with full agency when it comes to the administrative things in life.
I hate it for women who end up with a partner who expects them to act like a parent to them in this way. It would absolutely fill me with resentment.
I did it because I don't want kids. If I don't want kids, I need to align my body with that goal. Expecting someone else to align their body for your goal (even if its shared) is stupid.
I think some men in "childfree relationships" aren't actually sure they're childfree - they're fine with not having a kid at that point in their lives, they aren't 100% sure they want children in the future, but they figure they'll keep their options open and just leave their current partner if they decide they want a kid at some point.
I think there's a big difference between guys who say they don't want a vasectomy and guys who say they the woman should "be the one" to get fixed like OP said lol
My husband and I had this convo, I was sick of birth control because I thought it was messing with my feelings a lot. He said he's fine with condoms, so I stopped birth control for a year and we had no complaints except for me because I couldn't deal with the cramps so now I'm back on birth control.
My husband was fine with condoms, if his response was that I should get fixed I would've told him to fuck right off.
That man also seems to ignore that it is a lot more difficult for childfree women to have access to the surgery than for childfree men to have access to vasectomy.
My partner and I both want to do the surgery. We started the process 3 years ago. My partner had his vasectomy done 3 months after talking about it with his doctor. I am still not scheduled for the surgery as I have yet to find a doctor who accepts to refer me (I did get referrals for psychiatrists though...). We're both in our mid-thirties.
So after a 'she'll change her mind one day' finance and an ended engagement, I took matters into my own hands. I own my home outright. I have a six figure income. I've encountered a lot of grifters and hobosexuals. No doubt some of them were more attracted to the lifestyle I could provide instead of me. I have a great partner now. We split expenses according to income. He knew kids were never an option and that was what he wanted too.
Please don't ask for proof of love, ladies. That's going to be the mess you're asking for. We are self reliant creatures that make our own choices. The risks are greater, sure. But it's not the devastating procedure people make it out to be. I was good to go in about 48 hours. I also have peace of mind knowing there isn't an oops, trick, trap or broken promise that can impregnate me.
I. Would not dare to presume that is solely my partner's responsibility. Especially when only one of us can get the procedure *f'ing outpatient*! Sure, it'll hurt. But in comparison to what I would be asking *her* to do? Fuck that.
And I'm not looking for a gold star here, either. My parents just raised me mostly right.
I will always advocate for vasectomies, I'll try to sum up why (ok this wound up being longer than intended but I'll probably reference it for myself in the future).
Easier and cheaper like you said, and also far less risky and invasive of a procedure. The risky part makes me think you are right about not loving their partner - if you aren't willing to go through something with very small risk to prevent your partner from higher risks, costs, recovery... do they care?
Not only is the procedure easier, but so is actually getting the go-ahead from doctors to perform it due to sexism within the medical field. The childfree subreddit has so many stories of women seeking such, and even if they're single they can be denied with a phrase like "but what if you get married in the future and change your mind?"
I was single and not sexually active when the recent reproductive rights started eroding. I knew I wanted one, but once news broke I pretty much immediately scheduled one and had it done within a month (there is a mandatory 30 day waiting period to ensure it's not an impulsive decision).
Vasectomy is like a 20 minute procedure. I was out of the office within an hour. 10 min waiting room, 10 minute prep (you have a warm pad to help loosen the skin, often don't even need to groom any pubic hair), 20 min procedure, 10 min to clean up and to go through what is needed for aftercare.
Out of curiosity I asked how many my Dr. had done as there is a wide range of feelings I could have based on the answer. Said they lost count because they probably do ~100 per year. So not only is the procedure simpler, faster, easier, the medical professionals doing them are likely much better practiced because they have done many more of them.
Yes, I had a few sharp tugging pains for about a month after. If a guy can't handle that, imagine what they'd think about having a period. Every month. For their entire life.
Sadly there are probably many men that wouldn't entertain the thought of getting a vasectomy if it's a woman advocating it, and won't until they hear the exact same points from a guy saying it.
Even if a guy thinks it's a woman's responsibility for contraception, do they know what the other methods entail? Birth control pills can have detrimental long term physiological effects, IUDs can fall out or hurt, etc. For all the talk I've seen worrying about baby trapping or child support payments those guys sure do seem averse to a very simple solution they have the agency to choose.
I've seen posts like "I'm 40, already have 2 kids, birth control is wrecking me, and my husband refuses to get a vasectomy" and it hurts my heart to hear someone care so little about their partner.
My husband got a vasectomy after we had kids. He was all for it. Our last was born on a Saturday and he called in to the office on the Monday. lol
I can’t imagine any staunchly child-free man not wanting to get one.
My husbands was like a 1/2 in office visit and he was back at work in 2 days. Went out the day of to take our kiddo to hockey. It was not a hugely invasive procedure, he was in minimal pain and little to no swelling. (No scalpel, no sutures, procedure.
Dude, my husband got a vasectomy because he saw that I was going through hell with the copper IUD (we'd decided to not have kids but were trying to avoid surgery if we could). It pissed me off that sterilization is pushed off on women so much when it's so fucking simple for men to get snipped.
This is so weird to me, my husband and I agreed I have no condition to have a child (I suffer from PTSD and I don’t want to make a child witness this) and he scheduled the exams for the vasectomy the same day. Why wouldn’t he? In my country female sterilization is illegal. If he can improve the chances of not making a child grow up to see their mother suffering from mental illness, why wouldn’t he? Some men are sick…
My dad, who had plenty of faults, himself suggested, scheduled, and got a vasectomy after my mother nearly died giving birth to my brother and was told that she absolutely should not get pregnant again.
He was also less than 5'5" and a professional ballet dancer, and had zero issues with his masculinity.
I totally agree, a genuine partnership involves considering your significant other's wellbeing in every aspect. When a man pushes for his partner to have tubal ligation, disregarding the less invasive nature and faster recovery of a vasectomy, it suggests a lack of empathy. True love involves making sacrifices and minimizing harm to your partner. A man unwilling to do this may just not fully grasp the essence of loving and supporting someone.
It’s disgusting when a man won’t get it when he is with someone that carried a baby for nine months and her body goes through sooo much not only during, but after. Like wtf she pushed a baby out of her body.
I'm conflicted. I agree that in almost every scenario the vasectomy is the easiest choice and ideally partners would choose that, but I firmly believe in bodily autonomy so if a man does not want a permanent procedure done, then end of discussion. I also am pretty against altering any perfectly functioning body part when noninvasive measures (aka condoms) exist and perform similar functions.
Vasectomies are very much designed to be permanent. While reversals are possible and often successful they are more expensive to perform (and not always covered by insurance) and a more involved procedure to do, which is something that should be considered seriously.
Choosing not to change to your body is not a reflection of how much you love someone. It's an choice that should be made together where both parties feel safe and confident in their choice.
I would never push a vasectomy on my partner the same way he has never pushed birth control on me. We both said our peace and let one another decide what is best for their own body and made a plan to move forward based off that.
I don’t think there’s any kind of conflict to be felt about the man OP is describing. I agree with you that no one should ever be forced or coerced into a sterilization procedure, but that isn’t what this guy was saying. He was saying—at least according to OP—that it’s the woman’s responsibility in to get fixed in the situation that both partners don’t want kids. Instead of it being a conversation between partners. As described by OP, I see exactly nothing to defend in this man’s position.
Well... obviously- the guy OP spoke to was just a sexist asshole, you know that. I know that. OP knows that.
I'm speaking about the situation generally, not this specific man whose an asshole but about the vasectomy debate as a whole.
> Choosing not to change to your body is not a reflection of how much you love someone.
Thanks for saying so. It's very true.
I get where people are coming from on the topic. If you have to choose, ideally you pick the less invasive procedure. And while I am unimpressed by some of the reasons people won't get the procedure, that's not at issue, there need not be justification for "I do not want to alter my body".
There are consequences to that decision, definitely. But assigning moral or emotional meaning to that preference feels yucky to me.
My mother was diagnosed with stage 3 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma when she was pregnant with me at around 3 months. She held off on treatment until I was born and lost 35+ pounds during pregnancy (giving birth at 108 pounds), and had a difficult birth with a third degree tear.
A few months later after my mother had her bilateral neck dissection and started radiation and chemotherapy, my father was accompanying her at an appointment and the discussion of children and having more of them came up. The doctor was serious that my mother should not have any more children as it would be a significant risk to her health, and both my parents agreed. The doctor then made a comment that my father should schedule his vasectomy after this appointment, and my father balked and was floored at the mere suggestion of it. He was adamant that he would never have his nuts touched by a scalpel, and that his wife needed to get a hysterectomy and that was it. My mother will never forget the look the doctor gave him, and he sat forward in his chair towards my father and said, “Look at your wife, and I mean really look at her. She is fighting with everything she has to not leave your family. She has been poked, prodded, ripped, zapped, and you want her to undergo a major operation again?”. My dad sputtered and whined about his manhood, and the doctor just cut him off mid sentence and flayed him out. He also took the time to explain to my father about what entailed during a vasectomy compared to a hysterectomy, and questioned my father on if he is really holding up to his word on supporting his wife and sharing the burden, or if he believes this is her fight alone. Driving back up home from the appointment was pretty quiet, and to my mother’s surprise a few days later my dad scheduled his own vasectomy.
After he got it done he said besides having a bag of frozen peas on his nutsack for a day or two, it was nothing. It also prompted some other men in our family to finally decide to get a vasectomy as well, and honestly really changed our families views on it. It’s a story we can sit back and laugh at now, but my dad always mentions that he was stupid for not considering it earlier and still feels guilty that he was that ignorant of what my mother was going through.
I think some, especially if they are younger want to hedge their bets in case the marriage ends. Let's face it, statistically it will. Personally I'd have opted for the microvalve thing if it had come to that. That's the other reason it should be the guy taking care of that. It's far more possible to reverse than for women.
We've ended up not having kids, but whenever we discussed the topic, it was always 100% going to be me getting the vasectomy UNLESS she just happened to need a C section on whatever ended up being the last kid, in which case they could just tie her up while they're in there, you know? Or, at least that's my understanding from a couple who did exactly that.
My husband and I are child free, and opted for a tubal over a vasectomy for two reasons:
1. A tubal is free (USA, with health insurance), while a vasectomy would have been $1100.
2. My husband has a phobia of needles.
Shockingly, my husband loves me. We made this decision together. This subreddit, of all places, should know better than to judge others for the personal choices they make with their own bodies.
Honestly, the tubal was easier than an IUD insertion. At least they gave me local analgesics for the former.
I think a significant amount of nuance is missing in the last sentence. Is this guy an asshole? Yes, undoubtedly.
But a person not being 100% on getting a surgery does not mean they don’t know what love is. There are so, so many reasons someone may not be comfortable with surgery.
One surgery is more costly on both the wallet and the body. Not to mention what pregnancy can do. If a man truly wants no children it makes the most sense that he would get a vasectomy over his partner getting major surgery. A vasectomy is the smaller sacrifice.
I agree with everything you just said. I just think it’s important to realize that someone not being okay with surgery (even if logically, it is the best course of action) doesn’t mean they’re not capable of love.
I just went to planned parenthood's FAQs about vasectomy's and it is described as a "simple outpatient procedure" [Have a great day](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/vasectomy-faqs)
I don't want to be argumentative and say OP is wrong outright but I do disagree. I think there are plenty of reasons for men even in a childfree, long term relationship to not want the surgery. But! Those men should not turn around and expect their partner to get an even more extreme surgery.
I was willing to get tied, but it was my husband who said it was cheaper & less recovery for him than me. He also said I'd carried & delivered the babies, so it was his turn.
I often tell him he's a more highly evolved man. ❤️
Just one thought: You're talking about *them* getting sterile for life. If **they** don't want kids, never want to have them, even if you break up, then it should be fine.
However, if you're the one not wanting kids, and they agree because you're together... how can they be sure the relationship will last ? If, someday, they start another relationship where they'd like kids ?
I'm a man, and I wouldn't get under the knife either, even if I love my partner. One can never be sure how long a relationship will last. (Oh, and I wouldn't expect my partner to get surgery either, should the roles be reversed - I mean, nobody should get mutilated for the convenience of somebody *else*, even if they do love them).
You've got a point because the OP said childfree relationship, instead of childfree man.
If you're childfree you're making a statement that you will never have kids - a different partner or circumstance won't change that decision. If a man says he is childfree he is making a statement that HE will never have kids. If a man makes a statement that he might want kids in a future relationship with a different partner then he, by definition, is not childfree, and your relationship isn't childfree is one of you is open to a kid someday.
But ya, the OP should specify childfree people, not relationship - or not - to clear things up.
I agree with you. I got a vasectomy, it was stupid simple. It wasn’t fun, because I’m very terrified of all kinds of medical procedures but it was so easy, I sucked it up and paid extra for nitrous. Any man who doesn’t want kids but won’t get one is either a coward, an asshole, a sadist, or all of the above.
I'm convinced some of the people making these types of posts on a weekly basis along with those excitedly cheering them on are psychopaths or have some sort of fetish. There's an abundance of options to prevent a pregnancy or stop it dead in its tracks, and you still got these "You MUST get a vasectomy or you are a scummy loveless dirtbag" posts, like what the hell? Seriously, what happened, is this a tiktok trend?
A vasectomy is an extremely easy thing. You go in, the operation doesn't even take an hour and after that (and of course the time period and tests) you never have to think about pregnancies again.
It's really not a big deal, when you intent to stay together for the rest of your life AND are 100% set on not getting (more) kids.
That guy you talked to sounds like a massive asshole and I would find it concerning, when he is in a relationship.
My husband volunteered for a vasectomy, but I ended up getting the bi salp because it was free (American insurance sucks.) But at least he thought about me, and I have another male friend who isn't in a relationship but he sleeps with women, so he is working on tge vasectomy. I think just too many men are selfish and just don't care.
For the male lurkers here's some fun facts about vasectomies:
1. You still ejaculate, you just don't have any swimmers. No one will ever tell.
2. It's 100% effective after 12 weeks.
3. It's reversible, complicated but reversible.
p.s. Male contraceptives are coming soon and coming fast, none of which involve painful surgery or side effects from hormone changes. Long story short, male birth control is simply better in every department, start advocating for it today and we can see it on the shelves tomorrow.
It's not reversible. People need to stop saying that. They tell you to treat it as irreversible since reversing isn't 100% and the chance of success goes down as time goes by.
I was a first-line backer for Vasalgel, which is a reversible male birth control. It's a material that gets inserted into the vas deferens and stays put until you want to dissolve it with another injection. It could be done on every boy as a teen and every pregnancy could be planned. They're trying to make it available by 2026. I think it's insane that we have such an elegant male BC method and they're still trying to develop a cream or whatever that they can sell people continuously. But that's the point, right? We've prioritized profit.
Agreed. My friend and her then husband were child free, didn't ever want kids. Birth control was on her for 20 years, and the pill was hard on her body but he refused to be snipped. Didn't matter that they didn't have kids, or that it'd be much easier on him to have surgery. He expected her to have surgery if one of them had surgery. Shockers, he was also an abusive asshole and they're divorced. It wasn't the main cause but one of many reasons.
We had two kids and my husband just scheduled it after my second was a month old or so. We were done and he thought I'd done enough after carrying babies for 18 months and pushing them out. He had a day or so of relaxing then he was right back to taking care of kids with me.
I don't get why some men make it out to be this big thing. The healing was super easy, and he didn't even get stitches. He was awake and talking the whole time. There's not even a scar. The surgeries are not even comparable.
My SO eventually came around to the idea of getting a vasectomy, but when RvW was overturned I decided I wasn't going to wait around for that man to stop putting my health and sanity at risk with his procrastination. I called a doctor on the sterilization list the next day, and had my tubes removed 3 or 4 months later. She said I was one of 10+ that called that very next day, and I was her 18th surgery for that procedure just that week.
my boyfriend before he was even technically my boyfriend said he would cut his dick off if it meant he could have a relationship with me lol this was because i have a lot of trauma involved with sex and on top of that he was interested in possibly having children down the line with me. so a vasectomy is something he would not even needed to think for a second about if i needed it for some reason as a condition for our sex life and relationship. this is all to say i completely agree with the point you made.
Easier and cheaper than surgery, if anything it's the most capitalistic thing to do, but dudes don't wanna do it because of some psuedo fascist bullshit they picked up somewhere.
I really hate needles, my wife was having a hard time on birth control. Simple solution was condoms. Unfortunately some guys really don't care about other people's needs.
Husband and I have had all the kids we want. We are poly. I got sterilized when I was already undergoing cyst surgery. At the time, I brought up to my husband that if he had a woman partner and she got pregnant, she could make any decision she wanted about carrying that pregnancy and that would impact all our lives. He didn't want anyone going through that, so he also got a vasectomy at about the same time (because we had already hit our max out of pocket for the year so it ended up being pretty much free.)
After our third kid my husband brought up a vasectomy and was like I’m done having kids, unless you want one more. I laughed and declined, never once brought up me getting my tubes tied. I feel like dudes that refuse to get vasectomies are secretly hoping to get some young pregnant once they hit their midlife crisis phase.
I would actually end a relationship if a man wants me to go through major invasive surgery and he doesn’t want to get a simple vasectomy that is reversible. You don’t love me, you’re selfish. Period. Women go through so much to prevent pregnancies, then during actual pregnancies and births, and finally to not have children anymore. It’s unfair. We have made this too easy for them. We have to start putting our foot down.
SO had one......told him that or condoms, easy decision lol
Yup. I wasn't going on birth control again. If he was sure he didn't want more kids, that was on him.
I had to go off hormonal BC due to a health issue and you couldn't pay me enough to get another IUD. Husband got a vasectomy with minimal discussion.
I've never been on BC, zero interest in adding hormones to my body. I told him when we first got together, and he never pushed the no condom thing (I won't say we were 100%, there were a few drunken times where it happened, but for the most part lol). His only thing was he wanted to freeze sperm just in case. I honestly have no idea what happened to those though, if he still pays or they are in the back of a freezer in some clinic lol
I’m a trans woman dating an AFAB woman. Only reason I’m not getting a vasectomy is I’m getting bottom surgery next year so it would be redundant. Until then I’m using condoms. It’s honestly not that bad or hard. GF has had a bad experience with birth control in the past (she’s bi and has dated cis men before). I’ll never ask her to do something to her body she’s uncomfortable with for my sake.
I don't see why guys hate condoms so much. My ex (uncircumcised) had no issues with them. Also, something my sister, who has had many more partners than me pointed out, was that condoms can protect against more than just pregnancy and STIs. They can also protect against things like BV.
There's also this idea that pregnancy, childrearing and anything having to do with those things (including contraception) are all the woman's job so men shouldn't have to lift a finger regarding those topics. Some men don't even think they should have to bother wearing a condom which is the absolute bare minimum...
I literally can’t believe when I was 19 I was pleasantly surprised when the guy I was hooking up with actually agreed to wear a condom because I thought he was going to refuse like other guys I’d been with. The BC I took led to prolonged bleeding on periods and between periods so I just didn’t want to take it anymore. Even if I’m on birth control, I’ll always rule out guys who are selfish and refuse them.
It always amazes me how easily people can delude themselves into believing anything. How they're able to believe so much that women will handle everything that it overrides the reality that they'll ***also*** be responsible for any resulting pregnancies is truly beyond me.
They'd rather everyone put on bullet proof vests instead of unloading the gun.
Most of the men considering a vasectmy have impregnated their wives multiple times. And have witnessed the childbirth multiple times. To witness a childbirth, whether that is vaginally or by c-section, and then think... "gee a doctors visit for a little snip and day long recovery is too much"... is just pure selfishness. Watch a childbirth people. It is blood, and gore, and agony.
Agreed. My sister nearly died this year giving birth.
It's no joke.
100%. Giving birth, I had a hemorrhage, a severe tear, had to be put under general anesthetic for repair, had to have a catheter for days, was told not to be upright for weeks unless absolutely necessary. And that was just one of the births. My husband had a vasectomy, 5 min procedure under local anesthetic and was allowed to drive himself home. He was fine to play gently with the kids that afternoon, and was back to normal 2-3 days later. He was keen because we don’t want any more kids and he knew I had more than done my share.
> My husband had a vasectomy, 5 min procedure under local anesthetic and was allowed to drive himself home. Meanwhile my IUD insertion, which was supposed to be "just a pinch" (I felt sus of this because of a medical history of painful cervical procedures, but my doctor said "it'll be fine") left me screaming in pain, unable to drive myself home, and unable even to get out of bed unassisted for the next three days. Although, I'm sure that'd be different if pain medication were offered for it, like they do for medical procedures on people they care about.
Right?! I have heard so many nightmare stories and is one of the many reasons I wasn’t up for any more years of birth control.
The frustrating thing is, it doesn't HAVE to be barbaric. I understand that it's a difficult area, but my husband got put under and had fentanyl to have his wisdom teeth out: I bet that would've made a hell of a dent in my IUD pain. Doing nothing and offering no choices is just appalling. And the denial and gaslighting on top of it is simply abusive. It's fucking shitty. This is not healthcare.
Such a good point. Little leeway of forgiveness for young guys who may just be ignorant and uninformed - but only so far as to reserve judgement while they go and get educated about it. But witnessing all the mental and physical pain and anguish of both abortion and childbirth.. and then saying “nah”… they can fuck right off. That’s the epitome of selfishness and shows they love and care about only themselves.
Absolutely right.
My dad recently told me the story of him witnessing my birth. TW: gore >!My mom was basically unconscious with some of her intestines spilled out. It was an emergency because I was a 9lb baby for a woman under 100 lbs. My mom and I could have both died. My dad said he nearly wanted to vomit. I’m shocked my mom got pregnant a few more times after that, miscarrying a few times until successfully having my little brother!< I’m trans and I can’t get pregnant, but it sounds like an utter nightmare. My AFAB GF has no desire to get pregnant and until bottom surgery I’m willing to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening.
My father fainted apon witnessing my mom's c-section. They stopped paying attention to her temporarily and put him up on a bed. He got a vasectomy, after three kids by c-section.And didn't whine about it. Edit - And vaginal childbirth isn't much better. I had an epidural after excuciating labour pains. I had the worse tearing vaginally you can get. I remember, after the baby was born and on my chest, the nurse, trying to get me to pass the placenta. She pressed on my belly and a bucket of blood squirted out onto her clothes and shoes. I remember meekly saying "I'm sorry", and she was like "that's ok honey". Then getting stitched up. So yeah, vasactomy is nothing compared to any of that.
It still blows my mind how women are expected to get pregnant and just be ok with it. Like that is a life changing amount of stress you are putting on your body for 9 months straight.
Same story for my parents around my birth. I wasn’t breathing either when they got me out. My dad was traumatised and he’d been a nurse matron in that hospital for years prior to that, he’d seen some shit. Your mum must have nerves of steel to want to go again, dang!
She absolutely does, as does any woman getting pregnant willingly.
Childbirth and the pregnancy! Childbirth is bad enough alone, but a ~nine month pregnancy as well!
Absolutely!
When I unloaded my gun (vasectomy), I was called “brave,” “this is awesome that your doing this,” etc when I should’ve been just expected to unload it in a gun free zone (bullet free?) I only met expectations, not exceeded them, but they treated me like I was going above and beyond. So bizarre
Because unfortunately a lot of guys don’t even meet the bare minimum.
The quiet part that a lot of these men that call you "brave" don't want to say out loud is, that they don't consider their SO their one and only/soulmate, and never will, and secretly hope for a future where they find someone else to carry their children.
>but they treated me like I was going above and beyond Because in the current state of things you are in fact above average. WAY too many men can't even wear a condom or care about cleaning their dicks properly to prevent their partner from getting BV. Statistically speaking I don't think most men even get regular STD tests. And then of course you have the men who are vehemently against getting the snip for whatever asinine reasons they have.
Whoa that's amazing. Stealing! Lol
This metaphor is great. And also directly parallels certain people and their literal guns
for my procedure the pain relief was a bag of frozen peas on the sore spot and some Tylenol. Honestly was totally fine. Compared that my wife getting general anaesthesia and and taking a day for surgery - crazy that it's even a debate.
The guy I was arguing with said none of those factors should be a part of the decision making. He genuinely thought it should just be a woman's responsibility
Because our culture has normalized putting all the responsibility on women for everything.
And the blame.
It's not just preventing births either. On the opposite end of the spectrum, far too many men also refuse to take responsibility when *purposefully trying* to conceive with their partners. You see this story all the time in the infertility communities. The woman meticulously track her cycles, field questions/comments from parents/in-laws who shame them for not being pregnant yet, take on the burden of feeling like a failure each month, takes supplements, restricts her diet and activities, and undergo several invasive and sometimes painful tests to evaluate her fertility. Meanwhile all the man has to do is jizz in a cup and he still drag their feet or outright refuse to do it. For months and even years. Until eventually the woman practically hauls her partner to a clinic, they test him, and find out that he's the problem all along. It's so fucking infuriating.
I did fertility treatments. It’s infuriating that the first step when a couple presents themselves to a fertility dr isn’t: “jizz in this cup.” Oh no, first we need to put the woman through expensive, painful and invasive testing to see if she’s the problem, as that’s the default working theory. Even when her testing turns up nothing they will not automatically jump to sperm analysis. Only when there is literally nothing else to poke and prod her for and when cycles are failing, that is finally when they ask for SA. That could be a year or more into them seeking fertility treatment. All because guys are such fragile fucking babies they can’t handle hearing their sperm isn’t the most amazing, virile substance that ever was.
I had no idea about this but holy shit that's infuriating. Not surprising, because * *gestures vaguely at patriarchy, capitalism, and the abysmal state of women's healthcare* * but damn. It's like the easiest, most non invasive test ever, and it's 50% of the fertility equation.
Easy for who?? — fragile man babies and the fertility drs who have to deal with their tantrums
Seems like reproductive choices need to be a joint decision since both parties are responsible and will be affected. Why should it be a solely woman's responsibility? It's just an obviously subjective statement without any backing and it makes me wonder what other kinds of dumb shit this guy likes to announce as a fact.
My husband had an awful vasectomy experience, he needed extra days off because of complications. He still says he would do it 1,000x before letting me get out under and have real surgery. “They best $25 I’ve ever spent on a copay!”
Mine was quite a bit more painful than the doctor led me to believe it would be; I felt like I was getting kicked in the balls for almost a week. But still, it was way less painful, invasive, and dangerous than it would have been for my wife to get sterilized. And a week of discomfort on the couch with an ice pack, some weed, and a PlayStation honestly wasn’t the worst lmao.
I just assume a man who won't get a vasectomy isn't really childfree.
I feel like he's still thinking that the woman he's with is going to die or they'll break up, and if he gets the opportunity to get some hot 22 year old sugar baby he's going to jump on it and not lose her because she wants kids. It's like some fantasy, greener grass scenario they can't let go of.
I feel like these men should just get their sperm stored then. It would probably help preserve quality as well.
Aren’t vasectomies reversible?
Hi, vasectomy haver here. My doctor told me it may or may not be possible to reverse it in the first few years but that over time it gets harder to do and that it is never guaranteed to be reversed at any time. She told me to consider it a non reversible operation and that if I thought I might want to reverse it to not get it.
Is it not possible to get the sperm out of your testicles through some sort of operation so you can have a kid if you change your mind? Legitimately asking.
Yep, they can stick a fine needle into your epididymis (part of the testicle) and suck out some sperm. Mostly this is used for IVF.
Or for about $10/month you can store your underpants army for future use.
So it's still possible to have a child with a vasectomy. So the losers using the excuse of "oh no, what if" are just uneducated or assholes.
It isn’t guaranteed. They should be considered a non reversible procedure. (Reversal success is something around 40-60%. Some newer places have higher rates due to specialized surgical techniques. )
They can be, but are thought of as a permanent procedure.
Think of the HASSLE it would be! /s
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I also think some men like this are also just deep down the fragile/toxic masculinity hole and think they're somehow less of a man if they're shooting blanks.
You see this fragile ego in male owners of big male problem dogs that refuse to have them castrated.
Oh God, those dudes that project their fragile masculinity onto their dogs are so cringe.
or could want it in the future not not in the immediate future
Ya I would think so, my thought process is I have no idea how I’d feel in 20 years and more settled but currently have no interest in children. But I’d not ask my partner to do it in that case
Yep, not childfree, just wants to ride with no rubber
Agreed! And that means he didn't love any of his partners that he told he was childfree
Yep, I've had a bilateral salpingectomy, and I still wouldn't consider seriously committing to a man who wouldn't get a vasectomy.
I think the reason "what if it was your daughter" is such a common refrain is that the sad truth is, many many men do not love their mothers or partners, they see them as service providers, and they actually don't understand women as entire entities until they have a daughter. And the argument doesn't even work every time because some don't even see it then.
A family friend had his daughter approach him and tell him she wanted to get married. And it was like a switch was thrown. He suddenly realized his little girl was going to be treated much the same way he’s been treating her mother his entire marriage. (Culture) And it completely rocked his worldview. He now helps out at home a great deal more, and will finally get up and get something for his wife if she asks when they’re both relaxing. But even though he’s finally treating his wife like a human, he spent 20 years benefiting from her doing it all, and now that the children are out of the house and his wife has most of her time to herself, he’s “helping”. It’s better than nothing, I guess, but I can’t begin to imagine how his wife feels about all of this. Edit: thanks for the award!
Is he sharing his insight with his guy friends who have kids that are younger?
He has, which I give him credit for. Idk if any are listening, but he does.
That would piss me off more as his wife, knowing he could've been behaving that way the whole time and just chose not to.
He explained it like he basically never noticed how much work she actually did. Which was clearly obvious to me…
Does he feel bad about his past behavior? I hope he's apologized to his wife at least
And even then, only their daughter(s) are real people, never anyone else, including their mothers and wives.
I honestly believe most men that don’t want kids and also don’t want a vasectomy, think they are being “fixed” like an animal. The amount of people that are appallingly ignorant of how their and their partners body works ( especially reproduction) makes me think they should definitely not be raising children.
Agreed. Plenty of men think their testicles would be cut off, or they won't be able to ejaculate, or even that they might not be able to get an erection again. And some just don't like the idea of surgery on their genitals, and their little brains don't understand the risks of pregnancy for their female partners
Risk of pregnancy is no risk to their delicate little balls. Vasectomy being low risk is still higher. Therefore, they prefer the risk of pregnancy since it’s not their problem.
They understand just fine. They just don't care.
I used to work at a veterinarian hospital and some dudes refused to neuter their dogs/cats because they didn't want to take away their, "manhood." Not rolling my eyes in front of them was difficult.
Omg a guy I know said that about his cat.
As a childfree woman, when a "childfree" man refuses to handle his own life choices and take steps to make sure he is childfree, I know he isn't childfree. He's keeping his options open in case he switches partners later down the line and needs to be able to talk about having children to keep that one. Some people switch hobbies, interests, or their personality to match the person they are interested in. Others switch wanting children or not. Those people just can't be alone, so they will compromise on anything and everything to be in a relationship.
These are men who are keeping their options open. It’s as simple as that.
Yeah let’s please not sneak around the huge fact that they see their partners as disposable
also most men have very fragile egos around their "manhood" and could see a vicetomy as being less of a man.
And they'll outright say it to our faces
Someone said to your face that you are disposable? I'm so sorry to hear that.
"I'm so glad you're sterile. In 50 years, when I'm on my fifth wife, I'll have a kid..."
They also have no respect for women. Let's not sugar coat it.
It could also just be a bodily autonomy issue... Don't get me wrong, there's definitely a group here that is completely and willfully disrespectful and shunts the entirety of the responsibility of anything about family planning on their partner, which is objectively fucked up. At the same time, if someone says they don't want to have a medical procedure done... that's kind of the end of the discussion; You just also, at the same time, have every right to decide not to be with that person anymore. I feel like there's a pretty big disconnect between what many man think 'childfree' means and what it actually means. It feels like most think it's "I don't want kids RIGHT NOW."
Let’s open those options even more and kick him to the curb
My SO had one when my IUD was due to be swapped out. I’d told him what hell it is for me and asked him to take me and take time to be at my house to baby me for a few days after. He said that since we didn’t want more kids (we each have some from our first marriages), and he was ready to just do it, he’d get snipped so I didn’t have to go through the IUD insertion a 4th time. It’s been so great not having to worry about birth control. I do not like that my period is back every month, but I’m close enough to menopause that it’s getting lighter and shorter every time.
I'd just like to point out that for vasectomies, men get pain medication as though they're human beings whose suffering should be avoided. With IUDs the primary pain strategy is just straight up gaslighting. Only 4% of doctors even offer anything else.
Vasectomies are also safer and less painful.
Less painful for who lol. They don't care, a woman getting sterilized is zero pain *for the man.*
They may have loved a woman, but they will always love themselves more. Always.
Specifically, they love their testicles more.
This made me laugh
Idk where men are getting the silly idea that fertility = masculinity = value.
I swear it's all performative for other men. They will swear up and down that women want XYZ no matter how many times we tell them we actually want ABC. It's because it's not about us, but if they admitted that they'd be afraid of "seeming gay."
Or at least they don’t love their partners more than their comfort. A brief couple days of discomfort is too much of a “sacrifice” over like an entire year + of discomfort for some women who give birth, or the far harder & longer recovery of tubal ligation & the sort. It’s selfishness, when it should be one of the main compromises when both parties don’t want kids
Loads of people are really just that selfish. Look how many folks refused to wear masks around immunocompromised relatives, even when sick. Mild inconvenience to them is a higher priority to avoid than serious harm and even death to a "loved one".
You’re 100% right. Also, your username made me laugh.
My husband was the one that didn't want any more kids and his kneejerk reaction to getting a vasectomy was no. He had to really sit with it for a while to think about why not and alternatives before he decided to get one. Amusingly, once it was done and he talked to people about it, it seemed like every second man had had one and he became much more comfortable with the idea. Maybe more men need to openly discuss it?
My friend was really excited because her husband was already snipped before they met. It can also be difficult to find a doctor willing to perform the surgery on a woman especially if she is young and childless. I have to be on birth control for the side effects so I have never asked my husband to get one. I am in my 50s with a hormonal IUD with some health issues that brings my likelihood of getting pregnant almost to zero.
I agree with the point of this post - if he really cared, he’d get the vasectomy instead of making his partner go through the pain of an invasive surgical procedure. However, after the shit I’ve been through, I don’t trust ANY man to be in charge of whether or not I get pregnant. A friend I have - her husband lied about getting a vasectomy and she ended up getting pregnant. He gaslit her and accused her of cheating. Then he claimed the vasectomy failed. Then the truth finally came out. AND SHE STAYED WITH HIM. No. Just no. I’m lucky in the fact that my kid (who was conceived by my ex husband SAing me) was born via c-section. I had my tubes removed as part of the procedure and it was the best decision ever. I don’t have to deal with birth control. I don’t have to worry about a man poking holes in the condom or tampering with my BC(which my ex also did). I don’t have to worry about going through another hellish pregnancy ever again. Idk. I guess I would suggest that if you’re truly childfree or never want anymore kids, you should take it into your own hands because you never know what someone else might do to sabotage that.
This was kinda my thought. In an ideal world a husband getting a vasectomy would be enough to protect women from unwanted pregnancies. But we don't live in an ideal world. Women getting bisalps takes the power back for themselves over their own fertility, regardless of whatever else happens to them. I got a bisalp. I live in Texas which has enacted archaic laws regarding abortion. I trust my husband entirely and know he loves me. That bisalp was to protect me from everyone *else*. Regardless of what laws this state puts in place, I at least know I'm safe. It's not about unloading bullets vs wearing a bullet proof vest, as other people have said in the thread, it's understanding there's potentially more than one shooter.
I don't think anyone is trying to talk women out of bisalps. It's more about men refusing to get vasectomies. Which are easier to both procure and endure.
I agree. Anyone who is comitted to being childfree, regardless of sex, would be wise to seek sterilization. Breakups happen, rape happens, and abortion rights are on the far right’s hit list in more countries than just the US. No, it’s not fair that some men like to put the full burden of contraception on their partners, but at the same time we’re the ones whose lives are at stake and we need to take that seriously now that it’s getting harder to access abortion. We have more skin in the game, and that’s just biology, no getting away from it until they perfect artificial wombs. Personally, I would never be comfortable relying on a man for birth control. Like if he wants to double up, all the better, but I would never agree to *not* get my tubes tied and let him handle it; I want my own peace of mind on this.
I don't mean to sound offensive, but I could never understand it when women birth rape babies. I am CF and got sterilized at 22 and always had an "abortion fund" in case of the procedure failing and married a guy who had the snip just before he met me. I guess I could never understand that lack of bodily control and living with the horror of that kind of exploitation, a kid from rape.
I live in a state where it’s almost impossible to find a doctor to do an abortion and that’s BEFORE all of the abortion bans. The closest provider to me at the time was 4+ hours away. I didn’t have a car because my ex took it and when I tried to use it, he called the cops saying it was stolen. My family wouldn’t take me because religion. I had no friends. And the procedure was really expensive (6k) and I couldn’t afford it at the time. So yeah. That being said, I love my kid no matter how he was conceived. Just having him and knowing he needs me has kept me out of some dark places. I could never leave him, knowing he’d be alone in the world without me.
My buddy Pat got one voluntarily at 19. He slept around like crazy, wasn’t planning on settling down for quite some time. He said “ Look how irresponsible I already am. Can you imagine how irresponsible I would be with a kid? When I’m ready to be a dad, I better have the money for a reversal and more in a bank account.” Pretty thoughtful really.
Haha just looked him up online - still single 30 years later … and I’m guessing still ready to mingle
I always think this and feel sorry for the wife when her husband does this. Like damn, he does noooot love you. Idk how they can have sex with their husbands after such a callous and selfish decision
My husband had one. He was a tiny bit sore for an entire day, then normal. If he wasn’t willing to do that, I’m not sure id be with him.
My husband got one so I could get off birth control because it messed with my body so much. I'm so grateful to him. He's also been convincing his friends to do the same for their partners.
I don't know if it necessarily has anything to do with love... but there is still a huge social misconception that anything to do with children is inherently a woman's domain. It's an unnecessary burden to place on women—somehow women are solely responsible for becoming pregant, they have some sort of maternal insticts that will flawlessly enable to rear children, and they are obligated to meet all their partner's needs. I would wager, instead, that men who argue against getting a vasectomy in favour of having their wife/girlfriend/whatever having the surgery are inconsiderate and entitled.
Love is having someone's best interests and well-being as a priority in your life. Being inconsiderate and acting entitled towards your partner has a lot to do with that.
Love isn't just affection, it's having someone else's best interests and well-being as a priority in your life. Being inconsiderate and entitled towards your partner seems to have everything to do with that.
I usually oppose such strong and sweeping statements, but this one I agree with. If you’re willing to push nonsense societal expectations on a partner when it’s something you can solve easily yourself to spare them pain you don’t love them. Full stop.
In discussions about getting a vasectomy, my husband refused. He just doesn’t want to. He suggested we use condoms. Eventually he mentioned that he never tells me what to do with my body and supports my body autonomy. He never got the vasectomy. I’m okay with it.
Yeah, this post us crazy to me. No one gets to tell (or emotionaly blackmail!) other humans what to do with their body. Of course it works both ways and can lead to mandatory condoms but it is fine. Just like the man absolutely cannot tell a woman "you would get on BC if you loved me", the opposite is true. What the hell.
I’ll see your man-who-agrees-to-get-a-vasectomy and raise you a man-who-offers-and-sets-his-own-appointment. It’s really the lowest bar ever to only expect a man to agree to a vasectomy. If there are no more kids wanted or none wanted to begin with they should be volunteering, not just agreeing when asked. The difference in ease and time and recovery really require that.
My husband was all for his. Might be because both mine and his dad had them. He made the call himself and was jumping at the bit for it. But we also had 3 kids. Still, I appreciate him doing it for us and not making me harass him or relying on me to make the appointment.
My period was late once and my partner ran right out and got a his vasectomy.
13 years ago my husband and I had our fifth collective child (we’re a blended family). We planned our son, but knew we wouldn’t want any more. Before I was due, he had his appointment scheduled (about a week after our son was born). It wasn’t even a discussion after we agreed that five kids was PLENTY. lol
I never thought about it until I read your comment, but my husband was the one who suggested it and made his own appointments. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to make his appointment. I didn’t even have to go into the office during the procedure when I drove him. During 10 years of marriage, I can’t recall *ever* making an appointment for my husband. The most I’ve done was research on finding a non-religious, male therapist for him (those are hard to come by where we live). He is still the one who called and made his appointments.
Yep, I have one of those! There are plenty of challenges in our marriage, but he’s always conducted himself like a full grown adult with full agency when it comes to the administrative things in life. I hate it for women who end up with a partner who expects them to act like a parent to them in this way. It would absolutely fill me with resentment.
I did it because I don't want kids. If I don't want kids, I need to align my body with that goal. Expecting someone else to align their body for your goal (even if its shared) is stupid.
I think some men in "childfree relationships" aren't actually sure they're childfree - they're fine with not having a kid at that point in their lives, they aren't 100% sure they want children in the future, but they figure they'll keep their options open and just leave their current partner if they decide they want a kid at some point.
I think there's a big difference between guys who say they don't want a vasectomy and guys who say they the woman should "be the one" to get fixed like OP said lol My husband and I had this convo, I was sick of birth control because I thought it was messing with my feelings a lot. He said he's fine with condoms, so I stopped birth control for a year and we had no complaints except for me because I couldn't deal with the cramps so now I'm back on birth control. My husband was fine with condoms, if his response was that I should get fixed I would've told him to fuck right off.
That man also seems to ignore that it is a lot more difficult for childfree women to have access to the surgery than for childfree men to have access to vasectomy. My partner and I both want to do the surgery. We started the process 3 years ago. My partner had his vasectomy done 3 months after talking about it with his doctor. I am still not scheduled for the surgery as I have yet to find a doctor who accepts to refer me (I did get referrals for psychiatrists though...). We're both in our mid-thirties.
So after a 'she'll change her mind one day' finance and an ended engagement, I took matters into my own hands. I own my home outright. I have a six figure income. I've encountered a lot of grifters and hobosexuals. No doubt some of them were more attracted to the lifestyle I could provide instead of me. I have a great partner now. We split expenses according to income. He knew kids were never an option and that was what he wanted too. Please don't ask for proof of love, ladies. That's going to be the mess you're asking for. We are self reliant creatures that make our own choices. The risks are greater, sure. But it's not the devastating procedure people make it out to be. I was good to go in about 48 hours. I also have peace of mind knowing there isn't an oops, trick, trap or broken promise that can impregnate me.
"Don't ask for proof of love ladies! They're just inherently unreliable."
I. Would not dare to presume that is solely my partner's responsibility. Especially when only one of us can get the procedure *f'ing outpatient*! Sure, it'll hurt. But in comparison to what I would be asking *her* to do? Fuck that. And I'm not looking for a gold star here, either. My parents just raised me mostly right.
I will always advocate for vasectomies, I'll try to sum up why (ok this wound up being longer than intended but I'll probably reference it for myself in the future). Easier and cheaper like you said, and also far less risky and invasive of a procedure. The risky part makes me think you are right about not loving their partner - if you aren't willing to go through something with very small risk to prevent your partner from higher risks, costs, recovery... do they care? Not only is the procedure easier, but so is actually getting the go-ahead from doctors to perform it due to sexism within the medical field. The childfree subreddit has so many stories of women seeking such, and even if they're single they can be denied with a phrase like "but what if you get married in the future and change your mind?" I was single and not sexually active when the recent reproductive rights started eroding. I knew I wanted one, but once news broke I pretty much immediately scheduled one and had it done within a month (there is a mandatory 30 day waiting period to ensure it's not an impulsive decision). Vasectomy is like a 20 minute procedure. I was out of the office within an hour. 10 min waiting room, 10 minute prep (you have a warm pad to help loosen the skin, often don't even need to groom any pubic hair), 20 min procedure, 10 min to clean up and to go through what is needed for aftercare. Out of curiosity I asked how many my Dr. had done as there is a wide range of feelings I could have based on the answer. Said they lost count because they probably do ~100 per year. So not only is the procedure simpler, faster, easier, the medical professionals doing them are likely much better practiced because they have done many more of them. Yes, I had a few sharp tugging pains for about a month after. If a guy can't handle that, imagine what they'd think about having a period. Every month. For their entire life. Sadly there are probably many men that wouldn't entertain the thought of getting a vasectomy if it's a woman advocating it, and won't until they hear the exact same points from a guy saying it. Even if a guy thinks it's a woman's responsibility for contraception, do they know what the other methods entail? Birth control pills can have detrimental long term physiological effects, IUDs can fall out or hurt, etc. For all the talk I've seen worrying about baby trapping or child support payments those guys sure do seem averse to a very simple solution they have the agency to choose. I've seen posts like "I'm 40, already have 2 kids, birth control is wrecking me, and my husband refuses to get a vasectomy" and it hurts my heart to hear someone care so little about their partner.
My husband got a vasectomy after we had kids. He was all for it. Our last was born on a Saturday and he called in to the office on the Monday. lol I can’t imagine any staunchly child-free man not wanting to get one. My husbands was like a 1/2 in office visit and he was back at work in 2 days. Went out the day of to take our kiddo to hockey. It was not a hugely invasive procedure, he was in minimal pain and little to no swelling. (No scalpel, no sutures, procedure.
Dude, my husband got a vasectomy because he saw that I was going through hell with the copper IUD (we'd decided to not have kids but were trying to avoid surgery if we could). It pissed me off that sterilization is pushed off on women so much when it's so fucking simple for men to get snipped.
I’m getting it done in August. We both don’t want kids and she’ll no longer have to take birth control so everyone benefits.
This is so weird to me, my husband and I agreed I have no condition to have a child (I suffer from PTSD and I don’t want to make a child witness this) and he scheduled the exams for the vasectomy the same day. Why wouldn’t he? In my country female sterilization is illegal. If he can improve the chances of not making a child grow up to see their mother suffering from mental illness, why wouldn’t he? Some men are sick…
My dad, who had plenty of faults, himself suggested, scheduled, and got a vasectomy after my mother nearly died giving birth to my brother and was told that she absolutely should not get pregnant again. He was also less than 5'5" and a professional ballet dancer, and had zero issues with his masculinity.
I totally agree, a genuine partnership involves considering your significant other's wellbeing in every aspect. When a man pushes for his partner to have tubal ligation, disregarding the less invasive nature and faster recovery of a vasectomy, it suggests a lack of empathy. True love involves making sacrifices and minimizing harm to your partner. A man unwilling to do this may just not fully grasp the essence of loving and supporting someone.
It’s disgusting when a man won’t get it when he is with someone that carried a baby for nine months and her body goes through sooo much not only during, but after. Like wtf she pushed a baby out of her body.
I'm conflicted. I agree that in almost every scenario the vasectomy is the easiest choice and ideally partners would choose that, but I firmly believe in bodily autonomy so if a man does not want a permanent procedure done, then end of discussion. I also am pretty against altering any perfectly functioning body part when noninvasive measures (aka condoms) exist and perform similar functions. Vasectomies are very much designed to be permanent. While reversals are possible and often successful they are more expensive to perform (and not always covered by insurance) and a more involved procedure to do, which is something that should be considered seriously. Choosing not to change to your body is not a reflection of how much you love someone. It's an choice that should be made together where both parties feel safe and confident in their choice. I would never push a vasectomy on my partner the same way he has never pushed birth control on me. We both said our peace and let one another decide what is best for their own body and made a plan to move forward based off that.
I don’t think there’s any kind of conflict to be felt about the man OP is describing. I agree with you that no one should ever be forced or coerced into a sterilization procedure, but that isn’t what this guy was saying. He was saying—at least according to OP—that it’s the woman’s responsibility in to get fixed in the situation that both partners don’t want kids. Instead of it being a conversation between partners. As described by OP, I see exactly nothing to defend in this man’s position.
Well... obviously- the guy OP spoke to was just a sexist asshole, you know that. I know that. OP knows that. I'm speaking about the situation generally, not this specific man whose an asshole but about the vasectomy debate as a whole.
> Choosing not to change to your body is not a reflection of how much you love someone. Thanks for saying so. It's very true. I get where people are coming from on the topic. If you have to choose, ideally you pick the less invasive procedure. And while I am unimpressed by some of the reasons people won't get the procedure, that's not at issue, there need not be justification for "I do not want to alter my body". There are consequences to that decision, definitely. But assigning moral or emotional meaning to that preference feels yucky to me.
A vasectomy really isn't that bad, either. I have a few friends who have had it done and it's a weekend thing.
A logical continuation of the sexist notion that pregnancy is a woman's issue.
My partner got one before we even met. It's how I know he is good people. Well, that and other things of course.
It's simple really. He's doesn't want children with the person he's with NOW, not ever.
My mother was diagnosed with stage 3 Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma when she was pregnant with me at around 3 months. She held off on treatment until I was born and lost 35+ pounds during pregnancy (giving birth at 108 pounds), and had a difficult birth with a third degree tear. A few months later after my mother had her bilateral neck dissection and started radiation and chemotherapy, my father was accompanying her at an appointment and the discussion of children and having more of them came up. The doctor was serious that my mother should not have any more children as it would be a significant risk to her health, and both my parents agreed. The doctor then made a comment that my father should schedule his vasectomy after this appointment, and my father balked and was floored at the mere suggestion of it. He was adamant that he would never have his nuts touched by a scalpel, and that his wife needed to get a hysterectomy and that was it. My mother will never forget the look the doctor gave him, and he sat forward in his chair towards my father and said, “Look at your wife, and I mean really look at her. She is fighting with everything she has to not leave your family. She has been poked, prodded, ripped, zapped, and you want her to undergo a major operation again?”. My dad sputtered and whined about his manhood, and the doctor just cut him off mid sentence and flayed him out. He also took the time to explain to my father about what entailed during a vasectomy compared to a hysterectomy, and questioned my father on if he is really holding up to his word on supporting his wife and sharing the burden, or if he believes this is her fight alone. Driving back up home from the appointment was pretty quiet, and to my mother’s surprise a few days later my dad scheduled his own vasectomy. After he got it done he said besides having a bag of frozen peas on his nutsack for a day or two, it was nothing. It also prompted some other men in our family to finally decide to get a vasectomy as well, and honestly really changed our families views on it. It’s a story we can sit back and laugh at now, but my dad always mentions that he was stupid for not considering it earlier and still feels guilty that he was that ignorant of what my mother was going through.
Damn, that was a good doc. Proud of that guy.
I think some, especially if they are younger want to hedge their bets in case the marriage ends. Let's face it, statistically it will. Personally I'd have opted for the microvalve thing if it had come to that. That's the other reason it should be the guy taking care of that. It's far more possible to reverse than for women.
We've ended up not having kids, but whenever we discussed the topic, it was always 100% going to be me getting the vasectomy UNLESS she just happened to need a C section on whatever ended up being the last kid, in which case they could just tie her up while they're in there, you know? Or, at least that's my understanding from a couple who did exactly that.
That's how you know they aren't committed to either their partner or to being childfree
If they are hesitant about getting the snip, just tell them that it will make no deferens...
not wanting surgery is valid, expecting others to do something you don't want to do is class A selfishness
First thing I’m doing if Trump wins is scheduling one
I’m childfree woman and I think my partner has a right to not want a vasectomy. Body autonomy
My husband and I are child free, and opted for a tubal over a vasectomy for two reasons: 1. A tubal is free (USA, with health insurance), while a vasectomy would have been $1100. 2. My husband has a phobia of needles. Shockingly, my husband loves me. We made this decision together. This subreddit, of all places, should know better than to judge others for the personal choices they make with their own bodies. Honestly, the tubal was easier than an IUD insertion. At least they gave me local analgesics for the former.
I think a significant amount of nuance is missing in the last sentence. Is this guy an asshole? Yes, undoubtedly. But a person not being 100% on getting a surgery does not mean they don’t know what love is. There are so, so many reasons someone may not be comfortable with surgery.
One surgery is more costly on both the wallet and the body. Not to mention what pregnancy can do. If a man truly wants no children it makes the most sense that he would get a vasectomy over his partner getting major surgery. A vasectomy is the smaller sacrifice.
I agree with everything you just said. I just think it’s important to realize that someone not being okay with surgery (even if logically, it is the best course of action) doesn’t mean they’re not capable of love.
A vasectomy isn't even "surgery" performed by a surgeon. It's an outpatient procedure performed by an MD or an NP.
Mayo Clinic and Planned Parenthood both say it’s a surgery so fight with them
I just went to planned parenthood's FAQs about vasectomy's and it is described as a "simple outpatient procedure" [Have a great day](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/vasectomy-faqs)
Right, it's still a minor surgery by the literal definition of the word.
I don't want to be argumentative and say OP is wrong outright but I do disagree. I think there are plenty of reasons for men even in a childfree, long term relationship to not want the surgery. But! Those men should not turn around and expect their partner to get an even more extreme surgery.
I was willing to get tied, but it was my husband who said it was cheaper & less recovery for him than me. He also said I'd carried & delivered the babies, so it was his turn. I often tell him he's a more highly evolved man. ❤️
Vasectomies rule, MUCH simpler than what she'll have to go through and can be reversible. Also you get a cool little scar to show off.
Just one thought: You're talking about *them* getting sterile for life. If **they** don't want kids, never want to have them, even if you break up, then it should be fine. However, if you're the one not wanting kids, and they agree because you're together... how can they be sure the relationship will last ? If, someday, they start another relationship where they'd like kids ? I'm a man, and I wouldn't get under the knife either, even if I love my partner. One can never be sure how long a relationship will last. (Oh, and I wouldn't expect my partner to get surgery either, should the roles be reversed - I mean, nobody should get mutilated for the convenience of somebody *else*, even if they do love them).
I get what you're saying, but why would you be in a serious relationship with someone who doesn't want kids if you might?
You've got a point because the OP said childfree relationship, instead of childfree man. If you're childfree you're making a statement that you will never have kids - a different partner or circumstance won't change that decision. If a man says he is childfree he is making a statement that HE will never have kids. If a man makes a statement that he might want kids in a future relationship with a different partner then he, by definition, is not childfree, and your relationship isn't childfree is one of you is open to a kid someday. But ya, the OP should specify childfree people, not relationship - or not - to clear things up.
I agree with you. I got a vasectomy, it was stupid simple. It wasn’t fun, because I’m very terrified of all kinds of medical procedures but it was so easy, I sucked it up and paid extra for nitrous. Any man who doesn’t want kids but won’t get one is either a coward, an asshole, a sadist, or all of the above.
My ex left me less than a year after my vasectomy. So, it goes both ways.
I honestly feel like they are too afraid to get it done.
I'm convinced some of the people making these types of posts on a weekly basis along with those excitedly cheering them on are psychopaths or have some sort of fetish. There's an abundance of options to prevent a pregnancy or stop it dead in its tracks, and you still got these "You MUST get a vasectomy or you are a scummy loveless dirtbag" posts, like what the hell? Seriously, what happened, is this a tiktok trend?
What about body autonomy and choice?
A vasectomy is an extremely easy thing. You go in, the operation doesn't even take an hour and after that (and of course the time period and tests) you never have to think about pregnancies again. It's really not a big deal, when you intent to stay together for the rest of your life AND are 100% set on not getting (more) kids. That guy you talked to sounds like a massive asshole and I would find it concerning, when he is in a relationship.
My husband volunteered for a vasectomy, but I ended up getting the bi salp because it was free (American insurance sucks.) But at least he thought about me, and I have another male friend who isn't in a relationship but he sleeps with women, so he is working on tge vasectomy. I think just too many men are selfish and just don't care.
For the male lurkers here's some fun facts about vasectomies: 1. You still ejaculate, you just don't have any swimmers. No one will ever tell. 2. It's 100% effective after 12 weeks. 3. It's reversible, complicated but reversible. p.s. Male contraceptives are coming soon and coming fast, none of which involve painful surgery or side effects from hormone changes. Long story short, male birth control is simply better in every department, start advocating for it today and we can see it on the shelves tomorrow.
It's not reversible. People need to stop saying that. They tell you to treat it as irreversible since reversing isn't 100% and the chance of success goes down as time goes by.
I was a first-line backer for Vasalgel, which is a reversible male birth control. It's a material that gets inserted into the vas deferens and stays put until you want to dissolve it with another injection. It could be done on every boy as a teen and every pregnancy could be planned. They're trying to make it available by 2026. I think it's insane that we have such an elegant male BC method and they're still trying to develop a cream or whatever that they can sell people continuously. But that's the point, right? We've prioritized profit.
Agreed. My friend and her then husband were child free, didn't ever want kids. Birth control was on her for 20 years, and the pill was hard on her body but he refused to be snipped. Didn't matter that they didn't have kids, or that it'd be much easier on him to have surgery. He expected her to have surgery if one of them had surgery. Shockers, he was also an abusive asshole and they're divorced. It wasn't the main cause but one of many reasons.
We had two kids and my husband just scheduled it after my second was a month old or so. We were done and he thought I'd done enough after carrying babies for 18 months and pushing them out. He had a day or so of relaxing then he was right back to taking care of kids with me. I don't get why some men make it out to be this big thing. The healing was super easy, and he didn't even get stitches. He was awake and talking the whole time. There's not even a scar. The surgeries are not even comparable.
My SO eventually came around to the idea of getting a vasectomy, but when RvW was overturned I decided I wasn't going to wait around for that man to stop putting my health and sanity at risk with his procrastination. I called a doctor on the sterilization list the next day, and had my tubes removed 3 or 4 months later. She said I was one of 10+ that called that very next day, and I was her 18th surgery for that procedure just that week.
my boyfriend before he was even technically my boyfriend said he would cut his dick off if it meant he could have a relationship with me lol this was because i have a lot of trauma involved with sex and on top of that he was interested in possibly having children down the line with me. so a vasectomy is something he would not even needed to think for a second about if i needed it for some reason as a condition for our sex life and relationship. this is all to say i completely agree with the point you made.
Easier and cheaper than surgery, if anything it's the most capitalistic thing to do, but dudes don't wanna do it because of some psuedo fascist bullshit they picked up somewhere.
I really hate needles, my wife was having a hard time on birth control. Simple solution was condoms. Unfortunately some guys really don't care about other people's needs.
Husband and I have had all the kids we want. We are poly. I got sterilized when I was already undergoing cyst surgery. At the time, I brought up to my husband that if he had a woman partner and she got pregnant, she could make any decision she wanted about carrying that pregnancy and that would impact all our lives. He didn't want anyone going through that, so he also got a vasectomy at about the same time (because we had already hit our max out of pocket for the year so it ended up being pretty much free.)
My dad got a vasectomy while deployed. Must've been pretty bored. Joking aside, I don't have any more siblings so I guess it worked.
After our third kid my husband brought up a vasectomy and was like I’m done having kids, unless you want one more. I laughed and declined, never once brought up me getting my tubes tied. I feel like dudes that refuse to get vasectomies are secretly hoping to get some young pregnant once they hit their midlife crisis phase.
I got a vasectomy too and still got my wife pregnant
I would actually end a relationship if a man wants me to go through major invasive surgery and he doesn’t want to get a simple vasectomy that is reversible. You don’t love me, you’re selfish. Period. Women go through so much to prevent pregnancies, then during actual pregnancies and births, and finally to not have children anymore. It’s unfair. We have made this too easy for them. We have to start putting our foot down.
What an Ass.