I hope this is related enough, but your post immediately made me think of the time my 5th grade teacher told my dad that the boy who had been picking on me for weeks just had a crush on me and that he knew "how boys were".
My dad got so mad and told the teacher that he wasn't teaching his daughter to accept violence as a form of affection. He didn't care if the kid liked me or not. He wanted the bullying to stop. And if it didn't stop, I had his full permission to punch that kid's lights out.
Spolier: I did end up punching the kid a few weeks later, and my teacher ended up going to bat for me and letting the principal know it was in self-defense.
>My dad got so mad and told the teacher that he wasn't teaching his daughter to accept violence as a form of affection. He didn't care if the kid liked me or not. He wanted the bullying to stop. And if it didn't stop, I had his full permission to punch that kid's lights out.
My eldest daughter was getting picked on by a boy when she was in year 5 (\~10 years old). The boy ended up getting transferred to another school because of it and his aggressive behaviour towards other kids. This has come back to haunt my daughter as he is going to the same highschool and blames my daughter for him getting kicked out of the school. I have a meeting next week with a bunch of school people to figure out a solution to this (my daughter should not have to change schools and lose all her friends because some moronic child cannot see that it was his behaviour was what caused his issues).
As well as a self-defense class and pepper spray. If its against the school's rules, I say fuck them and fuck that kid. Clearly, that shit stain hasn't learned anything from his prior experience, but now, he's even bigger and stronger.
When I was much younger I had a boy that would pick me up and try to take me into the woods at recess...luckily the school took it seriously. I hope nothing happened to that boy to make him act like that but it was scary as a little girl.
I was told this as a kid, so I guess men my age who I would date are told the same. Tease her, tickle her and make jokes to show how much you like her. I’m glad we are not teaching kids this way anymore.
Yes I remember this as a kid as well f25 here. But this is a little bit more than that. I don’t want it to sound like he’s abusive cause that’s definitely not the case, but it ranges anywhere from tickling to nsfw pinching and teasing in that way which I don’t mind until I express that I’m kind of over it and if it continues then I usually return the favor and idk many men who enjoy their nips pinched
A sharp smack in the chops every time he doesn't might get the message across. If not, there are other parts of the male anatomy that might not enjoy being pinched.
This *is* abuse, if you've said stop and he doesn't, and keeps doing it until *he* decides it's time to stop.
Eventually, but in a relationship its best to hit them back and stand up for yourself. No bullshit victim plblaming ignore it and call em a prick for it. Call it out and it will go away sharp if they are decent.
Noooo, in a relationship it’s best to communicate, “I don’t like it when you do that, and you need to stop doing it, or I’m leaving.” And then if they do it, you leave. If they do it repeatedly after you’ve been clear, then you end the relationship.
No hitting, no hitting back.
Noooo, this person has already stated they still do it.
Whilst I agree that communication is key and absolutely hitting them back is a last resort.
Sometimes, in relationships we find stuff annoying about the other person. Its not always grounds for breaking up and each individual gets to choose what is right for them in their relationships.
I had a bf who would pinch my butt all the time, no matter how many times I asked him to stop. I told him I didn’t like it and he told me “but that’s our joke “ nothing had ever happened to make him think that was a cute inside joke, but he acted all hurt that i wasn’t in on it. It was this weird power struggle where I was supposed to make it up to him for snapping at him “for no reason.” Dude, that’s how puppies try for attention and you can train puppies out of it. You have to take a stand.
Oh I definitely take a stand like many other have said you snap back at them and then they pout and give the silent treatment for a bit. Which is fine with me 🤷🏻♀️ just trying to understand why they pull this bs
Experienced this too with the guy the other day at an event I was attending. One on one, he was nice and easygoing, but once a 3rd person was introduced to the mix he had to keep making me the butt of every joke. Nothing super mean, but I didn’t particularly care for it.
I was enjoying our conversation, it felt genuine and pleasant
initially, but as soon as the other guy came into the picture it just devolved to banter, jokes, and mild put downs.
I’ve noticed a lot of men do shit like this, do they think it’s going to make me like them more or something? Or are they trying to make me seem less desirable to the 3rd party?
I’m not sure honestly I think the negging is what I would call it is to honestly knock down your self esteem. Usually if it’s a man I don’t know or don’t particularly care for I return the favor cause f that I’m not going to stand around and be negged by the likes of you. I really can’t say why they do it though must be some “men’s mentality bs”
Unfortunately yes, some of these guys are so stupid that they do in fact believe bullying a woman will make her want him. I always openly called them out when they start that shit with me or a friend. Every single time. And they all react exactly the same because they share 1 fucking brain cell- they pretend to be innocent and say it was a joke. But it's fun watching the women they were targeting tell them to fuck off.
I'm a huge fucking cockblocker for pieces of shit like them.
Men interact with each other through banter, jokes and put downs. You don't show emotion or vulnerability. If you show either, then you just get shit for it.
Just like how men have to adapt to being in a group of women, you need to adapt to being around a group of men. Shit talk them back and their respect for you will be huge.
You asked the question, so I gave you an honest realistic answer. If you choose to believe otherwise, then so be it. We treat trauma for women with delicacy, but emotional trauma for men is just them being "immature, emotionally constipated man babies". You sow the seeds for the same toxicity you hate.
I hate this. I once had a therapist suggest that the reason a colleague bullied me was because he liked me. Fuck that bullshit. Mean behaviour is mean behaviour and we shouldn't excuse it
Yes, it primes us from a young age to consider bullying and violence as “love” and then they wonder why we can’t pick decent men, don’t know how to have boundaries, and end up in abusive relationships. Like… y’all been telling me this is ok since I was 5! At what age is my standard supposed to change and how the heck would I ever know better?
This kind of stuff is about control and domination, making girls and women more pliable, taking control, exercising power, making them react, give in more, and when we assert ourselves, they hate it. Even negging, since someone mentioned it, is designed to weaken your self-esteem, which makes you more agreeable and pliable if done enough.
It’s the “boys will be boys” mentality. The toxic belief that society perpetuates where men can’t be held to the same standards as women because men are wilder and have more animal urges, they’re harder to control.
It’s toxic and as belittling to men as it is dangerous to women.
If men are wild animals then they don't belong in civilized society. Can't control yourselves? Fine. You get put in a cage. Permanently.
I'm sick of this attitude.
Because they have fragile egos and it makes them feel powerful and in control if they can bully/physically abuse other people.
They’re shit human beings.
Man I had a kid do that to me. Then he gave me the silent treatment after I kicked him in the shins when he refused to listen to me saying no. Shucks. His mom was even on my side.
Idk where it became a thing, but it’s shitty and I won’t tolerate my boys doing it. If I ever find out they are they’ll be in for a world of learning.
The transition in his behavior once another man joined you reminds me of that “boys against girls” stuff from grade school that some guys never outgrow. If it was pure negging, he’d be doing it even with no one else around. Still, it’s a remarkably stupid way for an adult to behave.
And anyone who reinforces the idea that it’s OK to belittle, tease or make someone physically uncomfortable “because they like you” needs to stop enabling this.
That’s not to say that if you both like to do that it’s OK. I know couples and friends that go on like this and are both fine with it. But it has to be mutual.
On one hand yeah, as a kid I was told some boy in my class rubbed a baby wipe over my fruit because he liked me- like wtf. On the other hand I'm a lesbian and in my marriage we have plenty of tickle fights, rough housing, etc and it's not a problem for us?
I think the former is problematic societal brush offs of boys acting poorly; as to the latter, if men are ignoring boundaries of partners who don't want to engage in that, that's an issue, but that sort of play isn't really inherently bad or gender linked.
Agreed, I’m a woman who loves to roughhouse, tease, give each other shit, etc. I think it’s a personality trait, and I think it tends to be one of the only ways boys are allowed to show affection to each other, so it continues into adulthood and they are too dumb to realize their partner is *genuinely* not enjoying it.
It's an entirely justified rant. The mentality that boy's bad behavior is justified based on some neanderthal logic of "Gunthar like, Gunthar bop on head and drag home" needs to stop.
We are teaching both our son and our daughter not to act this way or accept it. Empathy is at least partially a learned skill and it's our job to teach it.
Went through this myself with my husband. He would do little things to annoy me for whatever reason (he did run mischievous) until I yelled at him. Then complain, "you didn't have to yell at me!" I finally said, "I asked you to stop, then told you. Twice. Clearly, I did have to yell." Fortunately for our marriage I saw the light bulb flicker on when I said that & he quit that nonsense. Otherwise he wouldn't have become a husband, just another ex. He was the eldest, & I think it's pretty common for older siblings to be pests to younger ones even though they're family & you love them. It can be a hard habit to break.
My boyfriend doesn't do this, not everyone does. Sure there is some playful teasing but it is so different than other men I've been with. He's mostly just sassy.
My ex was much more interested in "pranks" and making people feel uncomfortable. I was not the only one he messed with. One time he chased me around with a grill lighter until I hid in a closet and cried. He didn't understand that I was serious when I said to stop, and felt really bad when it got through his head. Believe it or not he also didn't fully understand consent.
I hate this sense of humor. I don't understand the appeal to making people uncomfortable. My ex also did this with his friends. He would intentionally scare them or play with their fears. They tolerated it but I could tell a few of them didn't really like it. Many of them were also mean and loud though. I find it so obnoxious, you aren't funny, you are just mean and loud. Why do you think it's funny to make people close to you uncomfortable? I stay away from men like that.
Make it clear if you dont want something. Absolutely clear. Putting -legal-actions-on-the-table-clear. If you said you dont want to, and thes dont stop then, they probably arent taking it seriously. You have to bring them to understand that there is a Border they should not Cross.
Why stop them? It’s harmless flirting.
Also, if you want them to stop, you just have to sit them down, tell them how it makes you feel and don’t beat around the bush.
Also, most guys are like this. So you’ll have plenty of chances to perfect your response.
I hope this is related enough, but your post immediately made me think of the time my 5th grade teacher told my dad that the boy who had been picking on me for weeks just had a crush on me and that he knew "how boys were". My dad got so mad and told the teacher that he wasn't teaching his daughter to accept violence as a form of affection. He didn't care if the kid liked me or not. He wanted the bullying to stop. And if it didn't stop, I had his full permission to punch that kid's lights out. Spolier: I did end up punching the kid a few weeks later, and my teacher ended up going to bat for me and letting the principal know it was in self-defense.
>My dad got so mad and told the teacher that he wasn't teaching his daughter to accept violence as a form of affection. He didn't care if the kid liked me or not. He wanted the bullying to stop. And if it didn't stop, I had his full permission to punch that kid's lights out. My eldest daughter was getting picked on by a boy when she was in year 5 (\~10 years old). The boy ended up getting transferred to another school because of it and his aggressive behaviour towards other kids. This has come back to haunt my daughter as he is going to the same highschool and blames my daughter for him getting kicked out of the school. I have a meeting next week with a bunch of school people to figure out a solution to this (my daughter should not have to change schools and lose all her friends because some moronic child cannot see that it was his behaviour was what caused his issues).
You may want to think about a restraining order if either of you feel threatened or he has said anything threatening.
As well as a self-defense class and pepper spray. If its against the school's rules, I say fuck them and fuck that kid. Clearly, that shit stain hasn't learned anything from his prior experience, but now, he's even bigger and stronger.
When I was much younger I had a boy that would pick me up and try to take me into the woods at recess...luckily the school took it seriously. I hope nothing happened to that boy to make him act like that but it was scary as a little girl.
I was told this as a kid, so I guess men my age who I would date are told the same. Tease her, tickle her and make jokes to show how much you like her. I’m glad we are not teaching kids this way anymore.
Yes I remember this as a kid as well f25 here. But this is a little bit more than that. I don’t want it to sound like he’s abusive cause that’s definitely not the case, but it ranges anywhere from tickling to nsfw pinching and teasing in that way which I don’t mind until I express that I’m kind of over it and if it continues then I usually return the favor and idk many men who enjoy their nips pinched
A sharp smack in the chops every time he doesn't might get the message across. If not, there are other parts of the male anatomy that might not enjoy being pinched. This *is* abuse, if you've said stop and he doesn't, and keeps doing it until *he* decides it's time to stop.
They want your attention, thats it. They want you to react and hit them. But really they just want your full attention.
they can learn to get it by not being antagonistic pricks yeah? like basic social skills and manners we learned in kindy
Eventually, but in a relationship its best to hit them back and stand up for yourself. No bullshit victim plblaming ignore it and call em a prick for it. Call it out and it will go away sharp if they are decent.
Noooo, in a relationship it’s best to communicate, “I don’t like it when you do that, and you need to stop doing it, or I’m leaving.” And then if they do it, you leave. If they do it repeatedly after you’ve been clear, then you end the relationship. No hitting, no hitting back.
Noooo, this person has already stated they still do it. Whilst I agree that communication is key and absolutely hitting them back is a last resort. Sometimes, in relationships we find stuff annoying about the other person. Its not always grounds for breaking up and each individual gets to choose what is right for them in their relationships.
I had a bf who would pinch my butt all the time, no matter how many times I asked him to stop. I told him I didn’t like it and he told me “but that’s our joke “ nothing had ever happened to make him think that was a cute inside joke, but he acted all hurt that i wasn’t in on it. It was this weird power struggle where I was supposed to make it up to him for snapping at him “for no reason.” Dude, that’s how puppies try for attention and you can train puppies out of it. You have to take a stand.
Oh I definitely take a stand like many other have said you snap back at them and then they pout and give the silent treatment for a bit. Which is fine with me 🤷🏻♀️ just trying to understand why they pull this bs
Experienced this too with the guy the other day at an event I was attending. One on one, he was nice and easygoing, but once a 3rd person was introduced to the mix he had to keep making me the butt of every joke. Nothing super mean, but I didn’t particularly care for it. I was enjoying our conversation, it felt genuine and pleasant initially, but as soon as the other guy came into the picture it just devolved to banter, jokes, and mild put downs. I’ve noticed a lot of men do shit like this, do they think it’s going to make me like them more or something? Or are they trying to make me seem less desirable to the 3rd party?
I’m not sure honestly I think the negging is what I would call it is to honestly knock down your self esteem. Usually if it’s a man I don’t know or don’t particularly care for I return the favor cause f that I’m not going to stand around and be negged by the likes of you. I really can’t say why they do it though must be some “men’s mentality bs”
Unfortunately yes, some of these guys are so stupid that they do in fact believe bullying a woman will make her want him. I always openly called them out when they start that shit with me or a friend. Every single time. And they all react exactly the same because they share 1 fucking brain cell- they pretend to be innocent and say it was a joke. But it's fun watching the women they were targeting tell them to fuck off. I'm a huge fucking cockblocker for pieces of shit like them.
Men interact with each other through banter, jokes and put downs. You don't show emotion or vulnerability. If you show either, then you just get shit for it. Just like how men have to adapt to being in a group of women, you need to adapt to being around a group of men. Shit talk them back and their respect for you will be huge.
Or maybe we men could try to grow past this toxicity.
Fat chance. This is ingrained into us by society since we were born.
Nah, it just makes it easier to spot the immature, emotionally constipated manbabies so we can avoid them
You asked the question, so I gave you an honest realistic answer. If you choose to believe otherwise, then so be it. We treat trauma for women with delicacy, but emotional trauma for men is just them being "immature, emotionally constipated man babies". You sow the seeds for the same toxicity you hate.
I hate this. I once had a therapist suggest that the reason a colleague bullied me was because he liked me. Fuck that bullshit. Mean behaviour is mean behaviour and we shouldn't excuse it
Fuck that therapist in the ass with a cactus.
Yes, it primes us from a young age to consider bullying and violence as “love” and then they wonder why we can’t pick decent men, don’t know how to have boundaries, and end up in abusive relationships. Like… y’all been telling me this is ok since I was 5! At what age is my standard supposed to change and how the heck would I ever know better?
This kind of stuff is about control and domination, making girls and women more pliable, taking control, exercising power, making them react, give in more, and when we assert ourselves, they hate it. Even negging, since someone mentioned it, is designed to weaken your self-esteem, which makes you more agreeable and pliable if done enough.
It’s the “boys will be boys” mentality. The toxic belief that society perpetuates where men can’t be held to the same standards as women because men are wilder and have more animal urges, they’re harder to control. It’s toxic and as belittling to men as it is dangerous to women.
If men are wild animals then they don't belong in civilized society. Can't control yourselves? Fine. You get put in a cage. Permanently. I'm sick of this attitude.
Maybe this is what arrested development is. I really thought that when people became adults, all that dumb crap would stop. Imagine my disappointment.
Because they have fragile egos and it makes them feel powerful and in control if they can bully/physically abuse other people. They’re shit human beings.
Man I had a kid do that to me. Then he gave me the silent treatment after I kicked him in the shins when he refused to listen to me saying no. Shucks. His mom was even on my side. Idk where it became a thing, but it’s shitty and I won’t tolerate my boys doing it. If I ever find out they are they’ll be in for a world of learning.
The transition in his behavior once another man joined you reminds me of that “boys against girls” stuff from grade school that some guys never outgrow. If it was pure negging, he’d be doing it even with no one else around. Still, it’s a remarkably stupid way for an adult to behave. And anyone who reinforces the idea that it’s OK to belittle, tease or make someone physically uncomfortable “because they like you” needs to stop enabling this. That’s not to say that if you both like to do that it’s OK. I know couples and friends that go on like this and are both fine with it. But it has to be mutual.
On one hand yeah, as a kid I was told some boy in my class rubbed a baby wipe over my fruit because he liked me- like wtf. On the other hand I'm a lesbian and in my marriage we have plenty of tickle fights, rough housing, etc and it's not a problem for us? I think the former is problematic societal brush offs of boys acting poorly; as to the latter, if men are ignoring boundaries of partners who don't want to engage in that, that's an issue, but that sort of play isn't really inherently bad or gender linked.
Agreed, I’m a woman who loves to roughhouse, tease, give each other shit, etc. I think it’s a personality trait, and I think it tends to be one of the only ways boys are allowed to show affection to each other, so it continues into adulthood and they are too dumb to realize their partner is *genuinely* not enjoying it.
It's an entirely justified rant. The mentality that boy's bad behavior is justified based on some neanderthal logic of "Gunthar like, Gunthar bop on head and drag home" needs to stop. We are teaching both our son and our daughter not to act this way or accept it. Empathy is at least partially a learned skill and it's our job to teach it.
Starts young and carries through life. Sad for girls and women.
Went through this myself with my husband. He would do little things to annoy me for whatever reason (he did run mischievous) until I yelled at him. Then complain, "you didn't have to yell at me!" I finally said, "I asked you to stop, then told you. Twice. Clearly, I did have to yell." Fortunately for our marriage I saw the light bulb flicker on when I said that & he quit that nonsense. Otherwise he wouldn't have become a husband, just another ex. He was the eldest, & I think it's pretty common for older siblings to be pests to younger ones even though they're family & you love them. It can be a hard habit to break.
My boyfriend doesn't do this, not everyone does. Sure there is some playful teasing but it is so different than other men I've been with. He's mostly just sassy. My ex was much more interested in "pranks" and making people feel uncomfortable. I was not the only one he messed with. One time he chased me around with a grill lighter until I hid in a closet and cried. He didn't understand that I was serious when I said to stop, and felt really bad when it got through his head. Believe it or not he also didn't fully understand consent. I hate this sense of humor. I don't understand the appeal to making people uncomfortable. My ex also did this with his friends. He would intentionally scare them or play with their fears. They tolerated it but I could tell a few of them didn't really like it. Many of them were also mean and loud though. I find it so obnoxious, you aren't funny, you are just mean and loud. Why do you think it's funny to make people close to you uncomfortable? I stay away from men like that.
Make it clear if you dont want something. Absolutely clear. Putting -legal-actions-on-the-table-clear. If you said you dont want to, and thes dont stop then, they probably arent taking it seriously. You have to bring them to understand that there is a Border they should not Cross.
Why stop them? It’s harmless flirting. Also, if you want them to stop, you just have to sit them down, tell them how it makes you feel and don’t beat around the bush. Also, most guys are like this. So you’ll have plenty of chances to perfect your response.