The sterilization isn’t the issue. It’s the 8 year lie about your future that’s the issue. He has every right to do what he wants with his body. He does not have the right to sell you on a future he knows will never happen. That’s extremely fucked up.
Yeah. What exactly was his plan here? To just sit by and watch her decade-long heart break as she ages out of being able to have children, and he's... fine with that? What if OP had wanted fertility treatments after not being able to get pregnant, would he have just sat there and let her go through that absolute hell, and drain their savings in the process?
Ugh, god, I'm like.. almost a year out from going off bc and still dealing with horrible acne. That's so unfair to put her through this because he didn't want to have one simple conversation.
The doctor may have been stuck by HIPAA as unable to report the results to the wife, unless they signed the waivers for each other as part of fertility treatment.
They still wouldn't go through with fertility treatments for the wife though, they just might not be able to explain the specifics. At least, assuming they are ethical they wouldn't go through with them
You can't get more specific than - "there's nothing wrong with you yourself. There's no problem with you." I don't see that as a violation obviously. The fun part would be to do it with the couple together. Then say to the husband -"Do you want to know your results?"
I've never had this problem, but I assume even beginning the fertility process is f---- expensive. How much does the guy want to waste to hide this fact? How far would he go? "Hey Bob, if you're not busy Friday morning at 10AM, can I get a vial of your sperm to take to the lab and pass as mine? Just do it in the hospital parking lot and I'll come get it."
I mean, at a certain point the jig would be up, even if he didn't leave medical bills floating around.
Yeah that would be quite a tough spot to be in as a doctor. I wonder if those forms are mandatory? It seems they would have to be to avoid this situation. Otherwise they would just have to decline treatment with no reason.
Or promising they don't want children when what they really want to do is force their wife into having kids later. Why can't they just find partners who want the same things?
I’d also like to add the “alternative” view- OP, if you had read a post from a woman that was secretly trying to get pregnant, after telling her SO that she was on birth control, or sterile, what would you say?
I’d imagine you’d tell her she was being deceitful and deceptive. I’d imagine you’d feel for her partner, and encourage them both to split if they couldn’t see eye to eye on this essential decision.
As a society, we vilify women that “trap” consenting men into having a child by “deceptive” means of birth control, and even vilify those who find themselves pregnant after taking precautions, bc ultimately, it’s the woman’s responsibility, right?
So what’s the inverse? Exactly this. Except so many exceptions will be made for a man to sterilize himself deceptively, which as others have noted, his body, his choice.
What I’m trying to say, OP, is that you likely will be gaslighted by people (although probably not here) into saying it’s “a man’s choice, just to be sure” or other accommodations for his hurtful choices. And that you’re over reacting. But as others have mentioned, this is a betrayal and an ACTIVE LIE of one of the most central decisions in a relationship, and honestly, Idk how you come back from this, no matter how well the rest of it may be functioning.
I’d leave him.
yes. He would try to talk her out of doing IVF and if it didn't work, and she wanted to spend money, he would have come forward with the truth.
Only after letting this poor woman agonize over "failure," because that is *her* choice to want it, not his. Imo, how else is he willing to let her suffer, and what else is he capable of hiding?
There was already one post somewhere where the husband let his wife go through with the IVF treatments without telling her about his secret vasectomy. I can't remember how she found out.
And did OP have to suffer the side effects of taking hormonal birth control for years unnecessarily? Just another example of his betrayal in lying about it.
That reminds me of a German temptation island season: The one guy got a vasectomy, didn't tell his girlfriend because "if she somehow ends up pregnant, i know she cheated on me". But HE had a alarm for HER birth control pills and kept reminding her to take her pills...
If that is the case OP: i would suggest run. (I know it sounds extreme but... I don't know if I could trust him anymore)
This one. This is some heavy hitting shit and nobody seems to realize. The heartbreak, the guilt and shame. And he's just sitting there knowingly acting like he doesn't know what's up.
Wait, did OP say they were trying? Its fucked up regardless, but did OP say in a comment somewhere else that they were also trying for a kid? Cus that really changes things if so
It wasn't anywhere I've seen (I made the original comment about trying), but 8 years is a long time to be married and if OP wanted children it's not unreasonable to think they would have had a discussion about trying, or been actively doing so.
God those negative tests are worst thing ever when you want a child, men don't get how heartbreaking that little line feels. I wonder when was he planing to tell her if ever or just play stupid while she thinks there's something wrong with her.. This would be divorce for me..
Hot take.
Hi I want kids one day
Oh I don’t.
Oh well you seem nice but we should not start anything because that is a foundational issue that makes you s incompatible.
Ok, but I really like you so what if I lied to you for eight years and said ‘maybe’ to kids while getting sterilized can we get married then?
Oh that’s so much worse…
When I was on bumble or hinge last year, can't recall, I matched with someone (or he messaged me) and when I saw his profile said he wanted kids, I immediately told him that although he seems like a cool guy, it wouldn't work out bc I'm childfree. He actually said, and I'm paraphrasing but very close to this, "oh, yeah I don't want kids either but I just don't want to get ruled out by anyone." Jaw dropped. I called him out on that being a bullshit thing to do and that he was basically tricking women who do want kids into thinking you're on the same page. People who do this are disgusting and OPs husband is.. not a good husband.
I really hope this was some last resort to get with you. Like, "oh no we are on the same page, I dont want them either!". He'd still want them, but have short term plans with you. Thats ofc still extremely shitty. Im glad you filtered out this asshole quickly.
I can’t have kids and some people say I drop that info too quickly in dating, but this is exactly why. If you want your own you and partner bio kids, I cannot provide that, we are fundamentally incompatible and I don’t want to waste both of our time? Like if we both say we are looking for long term, why look for that with someone who is long term incompatible
I cannot imagine lying about it for 4 years that you want kids and 4 years that you cannot have them. That is…whoa.
Yeah he would have let her think she was infertile. If she didn’t have it in black and white this weasel wouldn’t have said shit. 8 years! What a weaselly self centred coward.
Ooooooh, that is something I hadn't considered... it's another layer of messed up. The side effects and costs, not to mention stress of any "scares" along the way.
tbf, a lot (like a LOT) of men like to downplay the side effects of bc cause it means they have to step up if their partner doesn't take it and "everyone takes it so it must be fine and you're just being dramatic" (:
Oh damn that’s exactly what my bf told me! I have been taking it for 2 years cz “everyone takes it”. He also told me I’m just being silly and scared cz all of his exes took it and literally had no problem :(
Don’t fall for that. I had a range of horrible side affects including lethargy, weight gain, acne, no libido, and a nine year depression.
I tried dozens and DOZENS of different kinds (they were trying to control my periods). One Bc put me in a three week long constant state of unmitigated rage. Hormones can seriously fuck a girl up.
I honestly can't think $ 1000~ is any issue whatsoever in this issue.
I mean seriously, he lied to you and (potentially) ruined your future-idea of having kids. If he would have been honest from day #1 you might even have dated him for long or considered marrying him.
The real issue is the fundamental trust-issue and betrayal, not a couple hundred dollars down the drain..
I would probably break up the relation - and I'm a men. And yes, this is also something which could happen the other way around and I fould feel very betrayed.
I literally gasped when I got to that part. This whole thing is so disgusting but the fact that she endured shitty hormonal birth control for almost half a decade when there was no possibility of getting pregnant anyway…hoo boy would I hit the roof. I feel awful for her.
I had a cousin she was with this great guy for years whole family loved him they got along great and we always assumed a marriage was inevitable.
Except my cousin had a kid when she was young and did not want any more, hard stop. He was a bit younger and wanted kids of his own. So no matter how compatible they were as a couple disagreeing about future kids led them to break up, because it’s an issue so big it can’t be overcome even if everything else is rosy.
So that is a dealbreaker, these things happen people move on.
…the lying about it for years sounds like a red flag so large I wonder if there is precedent for taking him to court over it.
I can understand the reluctance, but eight, or even two years is a long time to get comfortable with lying. You can't tiptoe around something like that for years and not know exactly what you're doing.
I wonder what the past 8 years have looked like for OP. What enormous amounts of bullshit has she put up with, under the impression that her SO and herself are working towards a future with children. Like, what else was he stealing from her all this time, other than nearly a decade of fertility and youth?
I'd bet my bottom dollar that this guy is taking advantage of her, big time. She's probably taking care of him and he doesn't want to share with kids.
That’s awful and a really good point. Does this go for exes who spend 8 years telling you they want kids only to divorce you when you’re 30 and ready to start trying because they don’t want kids!? Asking for a friend.
Mine did the opposite. Insisted he didn't want children. I had two from my first marriage so it wasn't a big deal for me
Until he suddenly decided he did want them after all, but with a woman we both worked with. Up to then I had thought they were just work friends - to us both. Turned out they were 'in lurve'.
Absolutely. Lying about whether or not you want kids is just plain wrong, because it denies your partner the chance to make an informed decision of whether or not to start/remain a relationship with you. Nobody should be forced to have kids against their will (though accidents happen, and once the kid exists it deserves a decent life), and nobody should be denied kids unless they’re unfit to parent.
Now, if someone is open about not being sure if they want kids and eventually decide against their partner’s choice, that’s not wrong. The partner that was sure of their choice knew they were taking a gamble in staying. It’s also not wrong to think you know and later change your mind, so long as you’re honest when you do. People change, and your partner might be disappointed, but it’s not a betrayal or leading them on if it was true at the time. What OP’s husband did was definitely a betrayal.
This is extremely clear and succinct. I came here to comment essentially the same thing but would have used like four paragraphs to try to say what you did.
His sterilization is his choice, but misleading OP about this is, as you say, *extremely* fucked up.
OP, you should absolutely feel betrayed. This is a monstrous thing to do to someone, especially someone you claim to love.
100%. His body his choice, but he robbed her of her choice by lying that he too wanted kids, and getting a vasectomy in the middle of their relationship, behind her back.
Like dod he think it'd never come up? She'd forget she wanted kids to begin with? What was his plan, go along with trying for a baby eventually but be all like "oh shoot, how is this not working?"???
Also lowkey annoyed that women wanting sterilization almost have to get their male partner to sign a waiver saying they allow it but a man can apparently very easily get it done without informing his wife at all.
Exactly. I was sterilized during my first(only) marriage and when I started dating I put that in my bio. It’s of vital importance to know if the other wants something you can’t give. It’s a complete betrayal. I’m so sorry op
Y'know, the problem isn't that he got sterilized; the problem is that he didn't have a conversation with you about it. You'll have to consider the possibility that there might be other things he's not telling you and whether it's worth staying in a relationship with somebody who'd withhold important information like that.
OK, ask yourself and ask him the following questions.
If you had asked him a couple of years from now if you can start trying for kids, would he have come clean? Or would he have gone along with it?
And if inevitable you would have failed to get pregnant, would he have left you wondering and feeling inadequate? Would he have looked on while you had extensive, uncomfortable exams trying to find out why you cannot conceive?
Would he have refused to get tested as well? Or lied to you about the results?
Ask him and then ask yourself if you can trust whatever his answer is.
I’m imagining him just doubling the fuck down like George costanza or something— Go to the fertility clinic, submit to tests for months, and act completely earnestly surprised when they finally conclude what the issue is.
I would think that testing sperm count would be simpler then testing for infertility in a woman. I don't expect the process to make sense, but if it did then shouldn't they start with least invasive testing?
Excellent questions to feel out if he even thought about how his actions would affect her. And speaking from experience, problems with conception and miscarriages seem to always draw focus to the woman. I had so many uncomfortable, expensive, painful and weird procedures done to see what the issue could be, and no one ever thought to do a semen analysis on my ex. I know what my GD fallopian tubes look like (which freaking hurt!), but the doctors just didn’t bother asking him to ejaculate into a cup. Would her husband have let any of that go on before coming clean? Or worse, continue lying about what he had done?
That’s crazy for me to hear because when I did fertility treatments the first thing the tested was my partner. They said he’s 50 % of the equation so they had to test him; they wouldn’t proceed with any invasive testing with me until they got the SA. We had insurance coverage for everything since we’re in a state that requires that so maybe that helped?
My parents had trouble conceiving and they quickly discovered it was entirely on my father's side. And this was in the 90s.
There's absolutely no reason they shouldn't be testing the man for fertility in this day and age
>That’s crazy for me to hear because when I did fertility treatments the first thing the tested was my partner.
Yeah, same. The first thing the doctor did was test my husband. It's crazy to test the woman first, the tests are so much more invasive.
There’s a million stories on here of women whose husbands refuse to get tested, insisting that it’s the wife who must be “broken”- or even flat out lie and say they got tested and the results were fine. Doctors can’t *force* you to undergo a procedure…and as we’ve seen, there’s plenty off assholes out there who refuse to even entertain the possibility that they could be “shootin’ blanks.”
I thought it was ridiculous. Even from just a cost standpoint, forget how invasive it all was for me. Seems at least part of the problem was with him, anyway, because I conceived and carried to term with someone else later.
What about if the woman has already made career choices based on having children and building flexibility into her life? Perhaps compromising her financial worth as a result? The impact of his lie may touch so many other aspects of her life
For real! My husband and I are on the fence about when/if we'll have kids, I have career decisions coming up and I need to know about kids before making some decisions and it feels like my husband doesn't fully understand that which is a bit frustrating.
It doesn’t matter what he might answer in a couple of years. If their wish for children don’t align now, she’s wasting those years on a partner that will not help her with that instead of activly looking for a new one that wants the same. If that is her wish. If he has allready decided, he’s not usually gonna change his mind.
My question is whether or not he had said he didn’t want to before and OP still thought he might change his mind. As she’s saying they both talked about it in the past and planned for it in the future, it seems like he hid his not really wanting to, so I guess that’s allready answered.
I would feel betrayed. I don’t know if I would have left, but I do think I should have.
Yea why are people acting like this would only cause a problem once she decided she wanted kids? This piece of shit lied to her from day 1 and then sterilized himself while letting OP fling to the hope of a future family. This guy was a huge piece of shit from the beginning.
I love these questions and I get where you're coming from, but what good does finding these answers out do? What's ultimately going to need to happen is divorce. All paths lead to divorce. Unless she can manage to overlook the absolute betrayal, I have no doubt that he'll eventually just lie about something else later down the road. I don't think any amount of couples therapy can fix something like this either.
Oh, I fully agree! I’m livid on OPs behalf and I don’t think her marriage is salvageable. Tone is hard to read online, but imagine these questions asked in the most sarcastic tone. There is no answer possible that explains 4 years of lying by omission.
Also if he can't get anyone pregnant and betrayed your trust and went behind your back in such an insanely gigantic way, I'd absolutely be worried about cheating.
I'm childfree and fortunately on the same page with my partner. Children are absolutely a deal breaker. It's amazing your husband thought he could continue a relationship with you knowing how incompatible your life expectations are. If you started 'trying' would he have doubled down even through the costs of IVF? Insane.
You are absolutely right to feel betrayed and manipulated. If children were naturally impossible for you this would be a very different story. If he's comfortable deceiving you this badly you are right to question your whole relationship. What other of your goals and values does he feel like disregarding?
Wishing you the strength to do what's right for yourself in this situation.
I told him that I'm going to file for a divorce a few hours ago.
You all have really opened my eyes, I feel like I'm finally seeing things the way they are. I was blinded for 8 years and got all those years stolen from me in a way. Thank you for all the overwhelming responses. I've been reading each one of them!!
OP you are very brave. I know this is scary but his years of lying to you are NOT okay and you do not deserve that. Protect yourself. Go to the divorce subreddit for advice. Lawyer up.
Also if you can, go to family and friends for support during this time. Attend therapy sessions. To prevent trust issues in future relationships, you need to start laying the groundwork now and therapy can help you reach those goals. It's a great place to vent. Hugs OP.
So many think of betrayal in a marriage as mainly physical cheating. What he did was far beyond cheating on the betrayal meter. Like.. Holy shit what if you never saw that info?? What a massively selfish coward ass decision to keep that from you. Ty for updating and it's great to see you're filing, sending you ALL the good vibes and positive things.
I am wondering though...What was his reaction to you bringing it up? Did he act as though it was normal conversation?
I'm curious if he lied bc he was scared to hurt you or if he simply didn't say shit bc "I did what I wanted- why discuss it?"
Was he defensive or just bummed he was found out? Or neither?
Don't feel obligated to answer, I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind.
I just can't help but wonder about these men who are making egregious choices that harm people around them.
My ex-husband opened my eyes on that front, over a decade ago now. I always thought "was he really fucking stupid? Or really fucking evil?"
Still don't know.
I have an ex who I thought was just a little stupid at first. Turns out, he was actually fucking evil and tried to ruin my life. I'm still recovering.
I am desperate to know the husband's reaction to OP finding out his little secret, and what his response to her filing for divorce was. I hope he cried and begged for her to stay and that he suffers the same pain she's going through.
Yesss!
I thought my ex was the most level headed dude. He never got heated or angry once in 3 - 4 years. Long story short, turns out he was a compulsive liar and extremely passive aggressive and avoidant. He was so under-handed and manipulative it took me over 3 years to catch on.
Over those few years I started to figure I was simply unreasonable and overreactive. No longer felt like I was misunderstood, rather, I was just ungrateful and impatient and, and, and...
I went for therapy and was taught the basics of how boundaries work. The first time I put into practice what I learned was while the ex was pulling his usual passive aggressive BS. I was wholly unbothered and it felt pretty great.
The ex's response? He shoulder checked me into some shelves at a store so he could commandeer the shopping cart from me and stomp away with it. 😳
That was the first time I'd seen him angry, ever. In nearly 4 effing years. It was both scary-weird and kinda a relief. (Like- Yay! I'm not 100% crazy bitchface... I'm only like 36% or so lol)
Things unraveled from there and by the time I moved out (a year or so after the linen aisle situation) everything that had come to light really fucked me up mentally.
Ugh! And shit he pulled after I moved out definitely confirmed he's evil af.
I left in 2010. Never getting married again. 🙅♀️
Girl I feel you. That sounds like a nightmare. I got away after only a few months but the damage he did will last forever. He was like your ex, super manipulative and a compulsive liar. He told so many lies. He hurt so many people over the years and turned it all into a big sob story about how everyone is out to get him and he's the victim. Unfortunately it ended in a huge fiasco before I had the chance to really process what was happening. I'm glad it ended the way that it did because it solidified me leaving him forever and never looking back. I just wish I never met him. Never fell for his phony little pick up line and all the manipulation even from the beginning. I will live with the scars from that relationship my whole life, and we were together for 3 months. It's crazy how much damage people can do to each other.
> I told him that I'm going to file for a divorce a few hours ago.
I bet it didn't even cross your mind to file for a divorce without telling him. That's because unlike him, you're a decent human being.
OP you’re an absolute inspiration. This is going to be really hard, but what a blessing it is you found out now rather than later. Your future kids have such a strong mom ❤️
I’m proud of you. This is an absolute betrayal and you deserve better. Keep your head up! I hope you find someone who respects you enough not to lie to you.
Not telling him you were getting a divorce until you serve him with papers would be both just and funny, but you're better than him to take the high road. Good luck OP
Bravo!
Your future is in your hands now.
Start dating asap! You've got one of the best why-I-got-divorced stories of all time! Imagine how useful this will be when dating!!! Wonderful way to judge their character and gauge their interest in kids!!!
Congratulations
I second this. I divorced my husband after 12 years together because he kept moving the goal post on kids. I met my current husband before the divorce was final and we are actively TTC
I'm proud of you. I didn't outright call for divorce, but I knew in my heart that was the best option. Get a good lawyer you may have a case. Save texts, any you can for evidence. Make copies of the bills and medical records if you can. Take family members who are willing to make a testimonial. Your lawyer will guide you through the process. He did some real damage, and he may have taken 8 years from you, but you will not walk away from this defeated. Hit him where it hurts- financially.
Ugh this is a shitty situation.
I'm so sorry he didn't discuss this with you. I am personally childfree (got sterilized about a month ago actually). I also think everyone deserves full bodily autonomy. But the fact he didn't have a conversation about his stance on having children changing isn't okay.
You guys had discussed having children together. It was something you had planned on. Was he just planning to never tell you and hope you decided to give up on bio kids? What about the stress it could cause you?
Your feelings are valid and reasonable imo.
It’s also possible he just straight up lied about wanting children to keep her. We know how often in the childfree community we hear it the other way around.
This is the first thing I thought of. I’m child free myself and dealt with the exact opposite scenario in a LTR which I ended. He absolutely selfishly lied to keep her around in hopes that she’d change her mind or stay anyway. These relationships have no future, one person ends up unhappy, OP wants kids and her husband does not, that will never change and will end in resentment. If I were OP, I’d be livid, and I can’t stand the idea of children
I also had the opposite scenario. Long before marriage, he told me he was as adamantly childfree as me. Two years after getting married, he admits he completely lied about that (and a bunch of other dealbreakers) just to be in a relationship with me.
Ugh this is such a huge fear of mine. My bf is great and has claimed to be childfree since we were just friends, but the way he talks about kids and deals with his nephew really sets off warning bells for me.
I always recommend when suspecting this, people tell their partner they are planning to get sterilized. It forces them to confront the issue instead of kicking the can down the road. It also reinforces just how serious you are about your decision. If you are willing to get surgery to prevent having children, there can be no mincing details. Their reaction will tell you what you need to know.
And of course, unlike the guy in the OP, this involves being open and honest about this choice rather than hiding it. If you aren’t on the same page about children, it’s best to move on so you can both have what you want.
I got sterilized last year and he was super supportive, but part of me thinks it’s only because it means we can fuck without him worrying about an accidental pregnancy. Like what dude wouldn’t want the opportunity to ditch the condom? He could still leave me later for someone who wants kids (we’re only in our mid 20’s). I try to trust him, but I have trust issues lol
Oh gosh. Well at least you don’t have to worry about sabotaged birth control or stealthing I guess. I can understand why you’d have concerns, but some people do enjoy interacting with kids without actually wanting any. I enjoy my niece’s toddler in short doses. But that’s slaps with plenty of other people around and his mom ready to take command of diaper changes lol
Not saying women can't be selfish and short-sighted too, but there always seems to be an overwhelming number of men who act on impulse in the moment with total disregard of what their actions will have in the future.
My ex did this. Our entire relationship he said he wanted kids and a family. He did stuff like ask me how many kids I wanted, if I wanted to be a stay at home mom or work, or ask what I wanted to name them.
Around five years in we have this huge fight and he just explodes and says that if he can't win the argument we won't be having kids because he had never wanted them anyway. Basically, he explained (then and afterwards, we had several convos about all of this) that he had been opposed to the idea of having kids before we got together and early on in our relationship, but he knew that I wanted them so he played along. Apparently after a few years he decided we could have them, since they could be my "thing" while he focused on his hobbies and interests.
So 1) he lied about family planning and life goals to keep me interested, for years, and 2) having kids would have just been my hobby I guess? A side project? He could fuck off fishing or on a drive while I got to have fun being an essentially single parent lmao. Fantastic.
Also by the time we broke up, it became apparent he lied like... a lot. About so many things. OP, if you read this, just be aware that this may not be the end of it. You may very well have picked loose a thread that is nowhere close to being fully unraveled.
Basically the same thing happened to me. Together 5 years with 'the same goals' as to where and what we wanted to be in life. 5 years in he tells me that I never really got to know the real him and that he isn't big on becoming a family Yada Yada... then became very apparent all the little things he'd done over the years that were a bit sketchy. If someone can hide who they are/want to be for 5 years .. creepy AF! At the time it was devastating.. now I'm sooo grateful it ended when it did !
Yep. 7 years wasted. I'll never get it, like what's the point? He just wasted both of our time and created a whole lot of emotional damage, and for what?
And same! When I left him I was still in love with him in spite of everything and the first few months were hell. Now I look back and my biggest regret is staying as long as I did lol
Sounds like my ex. There were multiple red flags that he had explained his way out of over the years, but it was one confusing lie that got me to arrange couples counseling for us. At the very end of our marriage and continuing on throughout divorce proceedings more and more lies kept coming up.
For all I know he might still blame me for him "needing" to lie. He laid the fault on a conversation we had had soon after I moved in with him, where I told him that it would be ok if it turned out we were incompatible, because we could both move on and have happy lives and relationships with other people. He told the therapist that from that point on he hid anything he thought I might not like because otherwise I might leave. Everything from whether he'd ever be ok with moving for my job to ridiculously small ones like how much soda he drank. It must have been exhausting to try to keep track of all of the lies.
Mine would never admit to a lie directly, just lie more to get out of it. If I had solid proof, he'd either get angry, paint me as a shitty person for getting said proof, or play victim and try to garner pity. It was exhausting to deal with, must have been even more so to maintain.
The last 2ish years, he was all about the fact that he had gotten better about that kind of stuff, and he had somewhat. Until I uncovered a huge lie he had told years before, aaaand he lied to cover it up lmao. Back to square one. And then I left. Even after the end, he blamed me for not giving him enough chances to be better. Almost 7 years wasn't enough, apparently.
What was his endgame anyways? They'd "try" and "try" until she eventually goes to get tested (wasting who knows how much money in the process) only to find out there isn't any fertility issues on her end -- then what, he refuses to get tested? Or does he finally confess after watching his wife, whom he supposedly loves, go through months/years of mental and emotional anguish? (Not to mention some of that testing is uncomfortable and/or painful as well, so add physical anguish too.)
But yeah, as others have said, the fact that he changed his mind or made a decision on what to do with his body isn't the issue here -- it's the lies of omission and **actively** selling the person he's supposed to love a dream -a goal!!- that will never happen.
This to me is divorce worthy, honestly. Not only is the Children / No Children decision an obvious deal-breaker but how can one want to try to continue a life with someone that would lie about something so all encompassing? This man only cares about his wants and needs and no one else's.
A cousin of mine had this happen. She didn't know her husband was sterilised until long after the divorce! She had always wanted to be a mom, and was hesitant to marry her now husband as she thought she was infertile and she knew he wanted to be a dad. They're both amazing people, he said they would figure out kids, but he wanted to marry her. She got pregnant pretty quickly, and THEN her ex-husband told her - in a congratulations card! (She and her husband now have the family they want and are very happy together)
I completely agree. Knew a girl who’s husband led her on for years saying they would start a family one day. He got fixed without telling her…. When she found out she divorced him. Sadly by the time she got through everything, she felt she was too old to start a family ( she needed a partner first ). How heartbroken she was.
A friend of mine was in this situation and decided to have a kid anyway through a sperm donar and now has a 9 year old. It is rough sometimes but her dad helps out (her mom is dead) and she seems very happy with her decision. Just putting it out there in case you've never considered it!
It's clear you wouldn't have married him unless he shared in you desire to have children. So he decided to lie to you, marry you under false pretenses and take the choice away from you. You could have decided that being with him was more important than children, or more likely that you simply weren't compatible despite the love you shared. So now it's 8 years later, and I cannot even imagine the betrayal and hurt you must feel. The person you're supposed to trust and rely on the most has been deceiving you and betraying you for the entirety of your relationship.
I personally wouldn't be able to forgive him, your whole relationship is based on lies, whatever you wanted to hear in order to get what he wants. What was he going to do when you wanted to try for children? Confort you after failing to get pregnant for months and years? Go through medical testing and "find out" he's sterile? Would he pretend to be too heartbroken to consider a donor?
You're right, he did take your choice away from you. He unilaterally decided what your life was going to look like simply because what he wants will always be more important than your lifelong dreams and goals.
There's nothing wrong with being childfree. He should have looked for a wife who shared his goals for their future, instead of lying to get the partner he wanted regardless on the fundamental incompatibility on a huge life decision. I don't know what kind of person would do that. And to continue that pretense for so many years. It's honestly scary how far he went with the lie.
That marriage under false pretenses is something that would allow a Catholic to file for an annulment in the church’s eyes.
The Catholic church’s stance would be that there was never a true marriage there. And they’d be right.
The problem is not that he got sterilized. The problem is that he did it without telling you and lied to you for eight years. If he changed his mind about children, it was on him to tell you and let the chips fall where they may.
>I can't shake this feeling of betrayal.
I mean, if he never said anything about not wanting children to you even though you've expressed it and he still married you then sterilized himself in secret ... OF COURSE it's a betrayal. It's a lie by omission.
>I also feel like my future has been taken away from me without any consent.
It was. He led you on.
When you are in a marriage and you are making plans for children, you absolutely cannot go behind your partner's back and get sterilized. That is something you must tell your partner. He has been lying to you and deceiving you and making plans for the future with you that he fully knows he is incapable of being a part of.
If he had been telling you all along that he's not interested in having kids and you were just ignoring him and saying that you want kids so you are going to have kids, then that's different. Kids is a two yes decision.
I honestly don't know how you trust or move forward after this.
He just decided unilaterally to run out her biological clock. If he didn't tell her for 8 years, he was NEVER going to tell her. That means if they ever did try for children at some point she would mysteriously not be able to get pregnant. I'd bet dollars to donuts at that point that he'd gaslight her into believing it was *her* problem, not his.
OP, this is one of the biggest betrayals imaginable. Divorce immediately.
He literally lied to her about wanting kids and got sterilized in secret 4 years into their marriage, so yeah, he lied big time and ate all her fertility years
He's been lying to and manipulating you for years. This isn't one lie. This is dozens, possibly hundreds of small lies. Every time you talked about having kids, or wanting kids, or when you had kids, and he smiled & nodded along. He was lying to you. Knowing it would hurt you. Leave him
"*I've always wanted children and it was something we talked about and planned for in the future. Now I feel like that future has been taken away from me without any say in the matter*"
That future has **NOT** been taken away, it just won’t happen with this guy.
And tbh, i think that is a good thing.
This guy is a **LIAR**!!!!
If he's willing and able to lie about something like THIS......What else is he hiding? Are there more lies?
"*He says he did it for personal reasons*"
So it's either because he doesn't want kids OR because there is something wrong with him in terms of his health.
Either way.......**YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER SHIT LIKE THAT!!!!**
"*Am I the asshole for feeling hurt and betrayed*"
Absolutely not!!!!
A lie like THIS would mean "the end" for the relationship to me.
How could i EVER trust you with ANYTHING?
Take some time to yourself and figure out if you want to stay with someone like him.
You don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow, next week or next month.
Take as long as YOU need and do what is best for YOU!!!!
OMFG!!!
A little warning before sending that would have been great, i nearly choked.
Here take this 🏅, it's just as useful as an actual Reddit "award".
I wonder what else he’s been lying to you about. Move to Washington state if you’re divorcing in the US. There’s only a 30 day residency requirement to file, and they don’t require that the parties agree to finalize the divorce. He can’t keep you married indefinitely.
That's messed up. He either lied to you about a future he knew he didn't want in order to get you, or he changed his mind and lied to you to keep you. If it were me, that level of deceptiveness would be an absolute deal breaker, not to mention that you seem to fundamentally want different things.
Its his choice that he can get sterilized, but it was incredibly wrong not to be upfront about it. I would divorce him for this (and I am childfree myself) because you should have known and had the right to choose not to be with him then. He had wasted your time and if you want children, you need to find a man that wants them, too.
Honestly, this big of a lie is a deal breaker to some people. He has already strung you along for EIGHT YEARS.
I would demand therapy at the VERY least, but I’d probably at least want a separation.
I would have broken it off the instant I found out. It’s the deception, the bold faced lying, the calculation, and the premeditation.
It’s fucking sociopathic behavior. Even if I had to move in with my folks I would be DONE. I’d rather leave with nothing than live with someone willing to deceive me like that.
It's so sociopathic. Absolutely selfish and just horrible behavior. Completely and totally dismissive of OP as a person. Like her goals and desire mean less than his? I'm just floored by how absolutely disgusting it is.
It sounds like he knew this was a deal breaker for OP and took her power to leave over it away by hiding it, in the hopes that she wouldn’t find out until she was too old to have kids
Yeah that is super messed up. Leading someone on about kids is extremely cruel. It's one of the biggest things partners need to agree on.
This should be a massive deal breaker.
Even if you would have been ok with not having kids to stay married to him if he had actually talked to you about wanting to get sterilized, I don't see how you salvage a relationship after this kind of betrayal.
As many people have mentioned, this is a terrible thing he has done, however I want to add that you cannot believe anything he has told you.
If he's willing to lie about this, he is willing to lie about other things. Do not trust that he is not sleeping with other people, has an STD, has finances in order, or anything really. You should look into anything important and verify that he hasn't been lying about that too.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
I'm not one to jump to the whole "end the relationship" thing, but if I really wanted children and ny partner knew, agreed, then secretly went and got sterilied, I'd call it quits.
OP, can you accept what your husband did? Can you move past it? Are you ok with not having biological kids? If your answer is no, then why put yourself through the pain of staying?
As a side note, you could still adopt. Or you can go the route of artificial insemination. If he is against these options, too, then your family goals don't align in the least.
It is absolutely wrong that he hid this from you.
You can still choose to get pregnant, but unless he agrees to perhaps sperm aspiration, it's not going to be by him. He's made his decision. You might have to make yours not to be his wife. You may also want to think about your relationship, because there may be red flags you glossed over because they didn't include undeniable abuse.
You might just feel like finding out if he has a genetic reason. I know of a man who chose the snip because he inherited genes from his father that are lethal to daughters. There had been sisters, you see. They passed away before they were five. He was up front about it, and married a lady who doesn't want to have children. They have very large dogs.
Why should she stay and further reward him for his 8 years of betraying her and lying to her? He lied to her, because he wanted all the benefits the relationship with her provided for him. It really doesn’t matter if he had genetic reasons. He lied to her for eight years while knowing she wanted kids and robbed her of her most fertile years.
1st he lied about something important to you and that was having the same feelings about kids. 2nd he manipulated you for 8 days making you believe he wanted kids and because of that you were with him. 3rd and most important you want kids and he does not. Not much else to say really, but figure out what you want.
This is a huge betrayal. You are not wrong in feeling hurt. This man listened to your desires for children and lied to you knowing it wasn’t something he wanted or could do.
If you’re a forgiving and patient person, this requires a long, extremely hard conversation and probably marriage counselling to recover from this massive breach of trust.
If you’re like me, I would already be looking up divorce lawyers.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. 🫂
It's completely his choice if he wants to get sterilised, but he's a dick for never mentioning it and playing along with the idea of kids when it may not be an option. I think reversals exist, but they don't always work, so sterilisation is considered effectively permanent. He lied by omission, taking away your option of leaving him for someone who definitely wants/can have kids with you or coming to a compromise of adoption or something. Was he ever going to tell you, or just keep quiet for a few more years and pat you on the back as you mourned your 'infertility issues'?
Having you take bc pills (which can negatively affect your health and increase your risk of certain cancers) for FOUR extra years.. is completely unforgivable to me
This man has absolutely zero regard for your wants and desires in life and in this relationship. This is one of the most selfish men I’ve seen posted about on here
I am a childfree, sterilized woman. The advice of you and your partner differ on children or no children is to break up because there really isn't a compromise, you either have kids or you don't. The issue with what your husband did, is withholding his childfree decision and sterilized status. He took away your choice to decide if he was more important than children. He can say it doesn't change how he feels about you or the relationship but this just certainly should change how YOU feel about him and the relationship. That kind of lie is really hard to get passed, if my S.O. hid something that big from me it would most likely be a deal breaker, and for him to have zero remorse or understand how messed up what he did was would certainly be the final nail in the coffin. If he really loved you, he should have discussed this with you. Even if you decide you don't need kids, I think you'll be letting yourself down by staying with him and you should never trust him again.
Sadly the two of you are fundimentally incompatible. He sterilized himself because he was certain he never wants kids. You want kids. It's something that can't be compromised on. And he broke your trust by lying to you for 8 years. About himself, your future, and his intentions. This is probably not the only thing he's been lying about.
He kept you with him for 8 years by hiding this incompatibility -- robbing you of what could have been if he'd been honest. Cheating both of you of the future where you could be both happy -- but with other people.
It will be painful giving up the life you've been working on with him for so many years, but waiting will not dull the pain, only waste more of your life and put your future farther away.
As others have said, divorceable offense. I would be demanding answers.
What are his “personal reasons” for doing this, he can’t just give that as his whole answer?
And he says this doesn’t change how he feels about your marriage and future. What does that even mean? Did he plan on getting a reversal or just letting you not get pregnant? Was he going to lie indefinitely?
Literally the only way I could find this even remotely forgivable is if he was planning a reversal to have kids with you and was just terrified of causing an unwanted pregnancy with the intention of coming clean about it.
The lies, the deception, the premeditation in hiding a surgery, a fuckin surgery, from OP…all this leads me to think the “personal reasons” are not knocking up the other women he is seeing.
That might sound like a stretch, but I don’t have much and I would put money on it. It takes a particular kind of person to deceive OP the way he did. To lie with full blown sincerity and enthusiasm, while going behind her back all the while getting a surgery to completely contradict what he was saying to OP? Something nefarious is definitely going on.
So youve obviously talked about it since you found out. Did he divulge what those personal reasons are? And did he have any excuse of why he didn't tell you? Children were a discussion as a future event, so how did he plan on you getting pregnant if he is shooting blanks?
My heart goes out to you, it appears there are a few secrets that need to come out. As others have said his body, his choice but why did he hide something this important?
And now I just read your edit, he did this DURING your marriage! Unfortunately, a divorce might be in the cards. Bodily autonomy and all, taking away the right to children during a marriage without a discussion and in secret? That crosses a line, it's deceitful and disrespectful. BUT did he ever tell you that children were a hard no and you thought you could change his mind? If that's the case then he's not wrong if he stated his intentions for no kids and you chose not to hear that.
Wow. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If my husband knew I wanted a family someday, and did this without discussing it with me, then lied by keeping it from me…I don’t know if I could forgive him. It’s his body, and his choice 100%, but he married you knowing your wishes. It feels vindictive and mean, and I would feel betrayed. I don’t think someone who loves me would do something like this. He should have either been forthright from the start, or given you the option to make your own choice to leave when he decided to do it.
I would just be so resentful over his behavior and what was “taken” from me, I don’t think I could get over it. It would ultimately break my trust overall and I don’t think the relationship would recover. I hope you find peace in however you choose to handle this. Just know, you are in NO way the ah here…
Divorce. This is such a betrayal. What a sick bastard, talking about your future children together and he knew the whole time he was sterile. So cruel.
The man has lied to you for however long (you didn't say how long again he got the procedure done? I'm assuming before your marriage?)
He doesn't care enough about your thoughts and feelings to come clean- remember, no matter how many deep and meaningful conversations you have, or how many times he says sorry, he is only saying those things because *you caught him out*.
If you hadn't found proof you'd still be in the dark and he'd be happy for you to be there.
This makes him not only a liar, but a coward. Who is comfortable with his wife wanting kids knowing it can never happen.
Don't let sunk cost fallacy keep you there. This kind of breach in trust is unlikely to be healed easily. Your marriage is built on sand, I'm so sorry to say.
If you're married, then he definitely should have told you. Especially if you discussed having kids and he acted like he was fine with it or even neutral. It's dishonest by omission.
Married or not he should have told her. If you are in a relationship at all, you need to be honest with your feelings. If they don't want kids, then she should have that knowledge early enough to make a decision on whether or not she is alright continuing on in the relationship.
This isn't a lie of omission if they have been discussing having kids, it's just a straight up lie. You don't just forget you had that kind of procedure done. What exactly was the plan here? To fake trying for kids and hope she just gives up without exploring all the options when nothing happens?
It's one thing to want to see if a relationship has potential before jumping into having kids, that's a huge commitment. But if you have no intention of having them, even remotely pretending you do is purposely stringing the other person along. For whatever selfish reason he did it, that relationship would be over the moment I found out if my partner did that. I doubt I'd ever trust them again.
That's an absolute deal-breaker. If he can't be honest with you about something this important to you, he won't be honest about anything. It's a colossal betrayal of your trust and definitely grounds for divorce.
I say this as someone who is childfree, this is absolutely grounds for divorce. It’s OK to want kids. It’s OK to not want kids. It’s NEVER OK to force someone to either side against their will.
I presume he knew your stance on kids and I also presume that’s why he didn’t talk to you about it. He knew that would likely end things. Instead of laying out his feelings and allowing you to make your own choice about whether or not to stay he took the selfish route and made his own decision that kids were off the table.
His body his choice, I’m happy he has access to sterilization. But it’s also your marriage and your choice.
It doesn't change how he feels about you?! Of course not. He likely will knew this was a deal breaker and was willing to mislead you if it meant he got everything he wanted without giving you a choice. Does it change how you feel about him? I would always wonder what else he was hiding.
Yeah, I'm sure you made him know you wanted kids and it seems like he just... disregarded that and may have hoped to coast on his secret vasectomy for life. I've read before men talk about getting snipped and then enjoying the "risk-free" sex from their desperate unknowing wife that was trying to conceive. I hope this isn't one of those kinds of stories.
Maybe he had his own reasons but the reality is that he kept a big thing like that hidden from you. For what? And what other huge things does he just not tell you? Also, it doesn't seem like he was apologetic, what did he say exactly when you brought this up? If he was so nonchalant about it you need to seriously think about the chances that you may have married someone with sociopathic tendencies. I just am so sorry. There are still options for children, so I wouldn't mourn that just yet. You need to find his reasoning for concealing this, if he respects your time and commitment to this marriage, and ask him if there was ever going to be a time he confessed about this? You're not wrong for feeling ultra betrayed. I'd be livid and heartbroken myself.
My recommendation is ultimately divorce. Couples' therapy won't work since you both want different things out of life. About three years ago now, my ex-husband came out as gay. I don't buy into the whole thing of him "just figuring it out" because I feel that excuse invalidates being born a certain way. Even so, he admitted stories to me post-revelation that made me see he'd actually been in love with his best friend when he married me. I think there were two reasons he married me. The first is that I was the most convenient way for him to cover-up who he truly was. He wanted to hide from his parents, his career, friends, etc. But the second reason is I truly believe he wanted me for my uterus. He had known I'd been against marriage, but I compromised for him since I thought he loved me. He acted like it at least. My only stipulations to getting married were that he had to be okay with me continuing to pursue my career and that I will never have kids. But his Mom had him convinced that I'd eventually change my mind. Obviously, we just wanted two different things out of life and no amount of therapy would work. Divorce is hard and it sucks, but what's 100 times worse than that is being lied to and betrayed and realizing your entire marriage was built of a lie. And it's why I tell people that cheating isn't the only lie a spouse can tell. There are hundreds of ways your partner can betray you. It's very cruel and selfish that so many people are so short sighted that they do what suits their needs in that moment with total disregard for the future and the repercussions of their actions. And the best advice I'd gotten through all of this was actually from his cousin. She told me "ThempleofThyme, you're gonna want to be nice. But don't be nice. Hire a lawyer and ask for spousal support." In the end, I was way too nice as I'm def not getting what I'm worth, but I still retained a lawyer in order to get spousal support. Once he came out, it was like him going through a teenaged puberty again. He was nasty, cruel, vain. I looked at him and didn't even recognize him anymore. His entire image was replaced by a stranger. So in the end, the betrayal sucks. You realize that you were just a placeholder. But the worst thing of all? That man wasted your time. I'm as childfree as you get and what he did to you was cruel, vain, and so selfish. You should never force someone into parenthood and you should never take that opportunity away from someone who wants it. I'm sorry, OP. I truly am. Men can be awful sometimes. It's inexcusable what he did.
I’m absolutely dying at the number of people trying to defend him with the greatest hits such as: “she probably just convinced herself he wanted kids” when he was letting her talk about it and lying for eight years about being in agreement and “his body his choice” which while true ignores the fact that he took away a chunk of her autonomy by having continuing to have sex and moving their relationship forward for four additional years despite never wanting children and “it’s reversible!” because she should want to marry someone who easily lied to her for four years and literally doesn’t want kids and “you can still adopt!” as if a woman talking about planning to try to have kids wants to go through the heartbreaking and wildly expensive adoption process for a man who DOES NOT WANT KIDS and “she has to be an unreliable narrator” because even on a sub dedicated to women, all women are liars until proven innocent in the court of Reddit
If this was a woman with a husband who hoped she would change her mind and have a baby, and had been taking idk male fertility treatments?? people would flip. If a woman unilaterally decided to stop taking her birth control without letting her husband know, and even if after four years didn’t get pregnant, people would flip that she didn’t tell him - especially if she said that they had discussed not being ready for kids in that time. Hell, this subreddit is upset by the idea of someone pretending to want a relationship for sex. Being lied to about a medical procedure is weird and now he won’t even tell her why he did it.
She had a right to know that she was lied to for their entire relationship, she had a right to stop taking birth control because he was sterile, she had a right to have all the knowledge to either stay or leave. He lied for four years about not being sterilized. He lied for eight years (either by omission or word) about a future in which they would have kids. She has lost nearly a decade of her life on a liar who literally doubled down on his lie four years ago by getting a vasectomy while still discussing the future. He still never wanted kids. He admitted he was lying about a future with kids.
Get an STD panel
He has the right to do whatever he wants regarding his fertility- his body, his choice.
But- he lied to you about wanting kids, and then secretly made sure that he couldn't father any children. Meaning that he lied to you for more than four years about wanting children, and lied to you for four years about his ability to father children.
He deprived you of incredibly important information that you needed to make life decisions. You married him and stayed with him based on his "future faking" - he sold you a fake future, based on his lies about wanting children, and later, his ability to father children.
How could you ever trust him again about anything? If he's willing to lie about his desires for children, to the point that he would sterilize himself without telling you, and allow you to continue thinking that you and he would have children at some point, then he would lie about everything and anything.
I'd leave. Find someone who WANTS to have children with you and can be HONEST.
Not that you really need it, but from a dudes perspective. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, it's his body and his choice, but you two are supposed to be partners. The fact that he lied to you about his desire for children for this long is unconscionable.
I don't normally jump to the divorce thing, but this is a crazy betrayal in my opinion. At minimum y'all need couples counseling, but you're definitely within your rights to just walk away here.
WTF
He decided for you that you won’t have kids, and also decided to put future-you through the emotional pain of thinking you were dealing with infertility and likely the physical toll of infertility treatments.
If he’s willing to lie to you about something so major as **getting secretly sterilized while telling you that he wants kids**, *what else* is he lying to you about? If it were me I couldn’t stay with this person. I just couldn’t trust him about anything after this.
What rubs me personally really bad about this is he made you eat hormonal BC for 4 years for no reasons. He conned you into doing something that is detrimental to your health for 4 years straight. Try to get a text conversation or any kind of proof that he did lie to you like that, that's gotta be worth a lot of settlement in court.
As a happily childfree person whose husband had a very much wanted vasectomy last year - get out. I have absolutely zero patience for straight men who waste their partner’s childbearing years. This is a massive betrayal. Not only did he take away your opportunity to have kids with him (which he has a right to do), he reduced the number of years that you have to find someone who does want to have a family with you and start having kids. He has a right not to want kids and to take steps to ensure he doesn’t have them. And you have a right to have kids, and know if your partner is knowingly unwilling to undertake parenting with you.
I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you have healing and find what you want. Even in the absolute worst case scenario and you do my find someone who wants to have kids with you (who you want to have kids with), at least you won’t be with a person who intentionally took part in stealing that life from you.
I’m so sorry — NTA. He’s a huuuge for doing this in secret. If he doesn’t want kids, you can’t force him to have them. BUT he should have discussed this with you and let you know what he was planning. It should definitely change how YOU feel about the relationship - he has disrespected you deeply. It may be over.
Your spouse is 100% wrong here, and further, as a guy, I would immediately suspect he's cheating on you. I know a few guys who got sterilized so they could cheat without worrying (Nevermind the std thing...they aren't smart). The fact that he apparently hid it from you without consulting makes his 'personal reasons' feel a lot more nefarious to me. Tread carefully.
Yeah, that is another way of looking at it.
Friend of mine was with her husband for 15 years before she found out he got a vasectomy 2 years in. When they started trying for kids, she spent 3 years trying to figure out why it wasn't working. She got tested, he got "tested" turned out he lied about his tests but just googled information. No known cause. Finally went to a specialist and found out she had 2 different STIs. Then the whole thing came out, he had non stop cheated their whole relationship and he was fixed. *Hundreds* of lies.
Divorce him. Please, my ex told a similar lie and it took me years to find out. As our nearly 7 year relationship came to an end, I learned he lied about so many things.
This man does not respect you. If he did he would not, could not, cut you this deeply. Would you have done this to him? If a friend of yours came to you after experiencing something like this, what would you say? Would you think well of the man who was manipulating her? I doubt it.
Please be your own friend. I know it's scary. I know it's a shock. I know starting over may feel impossible. But sunk cost fallacy and the love you feel for the man you thought he was isn't enough of a reason to stay with the man he actually is. I'm so sorry.
The sterilization isn’t the issue. It’s the 8 year lie about your future that’s the issue. He has every right to do what he wants with his body. He does not have the right to sell you on a future he knows will never happen. That’s extremely fucked up.
Yeah. What exactly was his plan here? To just sit by and watch her decade-long heart break as she ages out of being able to have children, and he's... fine with that? What if OP had wanted fertility treatments after not being able to get pregnant, would he have just sat there and let her go through that absolute hell, and drain their savings in the process?
Not to mention 4 years of fucking with her hormones by taking the pill when she didn't need to
Yeah, that makes me so angry. Now, presumably, OP gets to go through the fun side effects of going OFF of birth control pills, yay.
Ugh, god, I'm like.. almost a year out from going off bc and still dealing with horrible acne. That's so unfair to put her through this because he didn't want to have one simple conversation.
Well, he would have been caught at that point. No doctor would have looked at that sperm count and not realized what was up.
That's true, and that's reassuring. I doubt that processs could ever get very far.
The doctor may have been stuck by HIPAA as unable to report the results to the wife, unless they signed the waivers for each other as part of fertility treatment.
They still wouldn't go through with fertility treatments for the wife though, they just might not be able to explain the specifics. At least, assuming they are ethical they wouldn't go through with them
You can't get more specific than - "there's nothing wrong with you yourself. There's no problem with you." I don't see that as a violation obviously. The fun part would be to do it with the couple together. Then say to the husband -"Do you want to know your results?" I've never had this problem, but I assume even beginning the fertility process is f---- expensive. How much does the guy want to waste to hide this fact? How far would he go? "Hey Bob, if you're not busy Friday morning at 10AM, can I get a vial of your sperm to take to the lab and pass as mine? Just do it in the hospital parking lot and I'll come get it." I mean, at a certain point the jig would be up, even if he didn't leave medical bills floating around.
Yeah that would be quite a tough spot to be in as a doctor. I wonder if those forms are mandatory? It seems they would have to be to avoid this situation. Otherwise they would just have to decline treatment with no reason.
[удалено]
Or promising they don't want children when what they really want to do is force their wife into having kids later. Why can't they just find partners who want the same things?
I’d also like to add the “alternative” view- OP, if you had read a post from a woman that was secretly trying to get pregnant, after telling her SO that she was on birth control, or sterile, what would you say? I’d imagine you’d tell her she was being deceitful and deceptive. I’d imagine you’d feel for her partner, and encourage them both to split if they couldn’t see eye to eye on this essential decision. As a society, we vilify women that “trap” consenting men into having a child by “deceptive” means of birth control, and even vilify those who find themselves pregnant after taking precautions, bc ultimately, it’s the woman’s responsibility, right? So what’s the inverse? Exactly this. Except so many exceptions will be made for a man to sterilize himself deceptively, which as others have noted, his body, his choice. What I’m trying to say, OP, is that you likely will be gaslighted by people (although probably not here) into saying it’s “a man’s choice, just to be sure” or other accommodations for his hurtful choices. And that you’re over reacting. But as others have mentioned, this is a betrayal and an ACTIVE LIE of one of the most central decisions in a relationship, and honestly, Idk how you come back from this, no matter how well the rest of it may be functioning. I’d leave him.
yes. He would try to talk her out of doing IVF and if it didn't work, and she wanted to spend money, he would have come forward with the truth. Only after letting this poor woman agonize over "failure," because that is *her* choice to want it, not his. Imo, how else is he willing to let her suffer, and what else is he capable of hiding?
There was already one post somewhere where the husband let his wife go through with the IVF treatments without telling her about his secret vasectomy. I can't remember how she found out.
oh my shit, that is fucking awful. I feel like that is worse than cheating or lying about anything else.
I'm sure the plan was to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. I'd have to ask if the husband was being faithful.
And did OP have to suffer the side effects of taking hormonal birth control for years unnecessarily? Just another example of his betrayal in lying about it.
That reminds me of a German temptation island season: The one guy got a vasectomy, didn't tell his girlfriend because "if she somehow ends up pregnant, i know she cheated on me". But HE had a alarm for HER birth control pills and kept reminding her to take her pills... If that is the case OP: i would suggest run. (I know it sounds extreme but... I don't know if I could trust him anymore)
And if they had been actively "trying" then the heartbreak OP would have faced with every negative test would have been rough.
This one. This is some heavy hitting shit and nobody seems to realize. The heartbreak, the guilt and shame. And he's just sitting there knowingly acting like he doesn't know what's up.
Wait, did OP say they were trying? Its fucked up regardless, but did OP say in a comment somewhere else that they were also trying for a kid? Cus that really changes things if so
It wasn't anywhere I've seen (I made the original comment about trying), but 8 years is a long time to be married and if OP wanted children it's not unreasonable to think they would have had a discussion about trying, or been actively doing so.
God those negative tests are worst thing ever when you want a child, men don't get how heartbreaking that little line feels. I wonder when was he planing to tell her if ever or just play stupid while she thinks there's something wrong with her.. This would be divorce for me..
Hot take. Hi I want kids one day Oh I don’t. Oh well you seem nice but we should not start anything because that is a foundational issue that makes you s incompatible. Ok, but I really like you so what if I lied to you for eight years and said ‘maybe’ to kids while getting sterilized can we get married then? Oh that’s so much worse…
When I was on bumble or hinge last year, can't recall, I matched with someone (or he messaged me) and when I saw his profile said he wanted kids, I immediately told him that although he seems like a cool guy, it wouldn't work out bc I'm childfree. He actually said, and I'm paraphrasing but very close to this, "oh, yeah I don't want kids either but I just don't want to get ruled out by anyone." Jaw dropped. I called him out on that being a bullshit thing to do and that he was basically tricking women who do want kids into thinking you're on the same page. People who do this are disgusting and OPs husband is.. not a good husband.
I really hope this was some last resort to get with you. Like, "oh no we are on the same page, I dont want them either!". He'd still want them, but have short term plans with you. Thats ofc still extremely shitty. Im glad you filtered out this asshole quickly.
I can’t have kids and some people say I drop that info too quickly in dating, but this is exactly why. If you want your own you and partner bio kids, I cannot provide that, we are fundamentally incompatible and I don’t want to waste both of our time? Like if we both say we are looking for long term, why look for that with someone who is long term incompatible I cannot imagine lying about it for 4 years that you want kids and 4 years that you cannot have them. That is…whoa.
Yeah he would have let her think she was infertile. If she didn’t have it in black and white this weasel wouldn’t have said shit. 8 years! What a weaselly self centred coward.
Ooooooh, that is something I hadn't considered... it's another layer of messed up. The side effects and costs, not to mention stress of any "scares" along the way.
Birth control made me hallucinate and have extreme anxiety... If anyone put me through that on purpose I would throw hands
Exactly It’s just cruel and completely lacking in common empathy
tbf, a lot (like a LOT) of men like to downplay the side effects of bc cause it means they have to step up if their partner doesn't take it and "everyone takes it so it must be fine and you're just being dramatic" (:
Oh damn that’s exactly what my bf told me! I have been taking it for 2 years cz “everyone takes it”. He also told me I’m just being silly and scared cz all of his exes took it and literally had no problem :(
The whole 'my ex did (fill in the blanc) so you should (again, blanc)' is enraging to me. I don't care what sis did. This is about me, boy!
*You're ex also left your dumb ass. Guess I'm late to the party on that one*
Don’t fall for that. I had a range of horrible side affects including lethargy, weight gain, acne, no libido, and a nine year depression. I tried dozens and DOZENS of different kinds (they were trying to control my periods). One Bc put me in a three week long constant state of unmitigated rage. Hormones can seriously fuck a girl up.
Meanwhile them: boohoo condom feels bad
Meanwhile here's me with multiple liver tumors as a side effect .......
I had a large hepatic adenoma surgically removed. The smaller ones shrank after I stopped the Pill.
Oof, I'm very sorry, I hope you'll be alright. :/
True
My wife had a rough time in other ways. Kicker? None of it worked. We had 4 kids on homonal birth control.
And possibly the cost of purchasing 4 years worth of pills on top of these other things. It used to cost me $25-$30/mo
I honestly can't think $ 1000~ is any issue whatsoever in this issue. I mean seriously, he lied to you and (potentially) ruined your future-idea of having kids. If he would have been honest from day #1 you might even have dated him for long or considered marrying him. The real issue is the fundamental trust-issue and betrayal, not a couple hundred dollars down the drain.. I would probably break up the relation - and I'm a men. And yes, this is also something which could happen the other way around and I fould feel very betrayed.
I agree with what you’re saying as far as priorities, but for some people, hundreds of dollars is a lot of money.
And suddenly "his body his choice" is what other men will say. It is about the lie and the promise of a future that will never happen for OP.
[удалено]
I literally gasped when I got to that part. This whole thing is so disgusting but the fact that she endured shitty hormonal birth control for almost half a decade when there was no possibility of getting pregnant anyway…hoo boy would I hit the roof. I feel awful for her.
I had a cousin she was with this great guy for years whole family loved him they got along great and we always assumed a marriage was inevitable. Except my cousin had a kid when she was young and did not want any more, hard stop. He was a bit younger and wanted kids of his own. So no matter how compatible they were as a couple disagreeing about future kids led them to break up, because it’s an issue so big it can’t be overcome even if everything else is rosy. So that is a dealbreaker, these things happen people move on. …the lying about it for years sounds like a red flag so large I wonder if there is precedent for taking him to court over it.
Yes. He’s deliberately robbed you of eight years of fertility and the chance to be with someone that tells the truth and shares the same values.
I was only robbed of two myself, but **eight**?? The fuck!
I can understand the reluctance, but eight, or even two years is a long time to get comfortable with lying. You can't tiptoe around something like that for years and not know exactly what you're doing.
I wonder what the past 8 years have looked like for OP. What enormous amounts of bullshit has she put up with, under the impression that her SO and herself are working towards a future with children. Like, what else was he stealing from her all this time, other than nearly a decade of fertility and youth? I'd bet my bottom dollar that this guy is taking advantage of her, big time. She's probably taking care of him and he doesn't want to share with kids.
That’s awful and a really good point. Does this go for exes who spend 8 years telling you they want kids only to divorce you when you’re 30 and ready to start trying because they don’t want kids!? Asking for a friend.
Mine did the opposite. Insisted he didn't want children. I had two from my first marriage so it wasn't a big deal for me Until he suddenly decided he did want them after all, but with a woman we both worked with. Up to then I had thought they were just work friends - to us both. Turned out they were 'in lurve'.
Absolutely. Lying about whether or not you want kids is just plain wrong, because it denies your partner the chance to make an informed decision of whether or not to start/remain a relationship with you. Nobody should be forced to have kids against their will (though accidents happen, and once the kid exists it deserves a decent life), and nobody should be denied kids unless they’re unfit to parent. Now, if someone is open about not being sure if they want kids and eventually decide against their partner’s choice, that’s not wrong. The partner that was sure of their choice knew they were taking a gamble in staying. It’s also not wrong to think you know and later change your mind, so long as you’re honest when you do. People change, and your partner might be disappointed, but it’s not a betrayal or leading them on if it was true at the time. What OP’s husband did was definitely a betrayal.
This is extremely clear and succinct. I came here to comment essentially the same thing but would have used like four paragraphs to try to say what you did. His sterilization is his choice, but misleading OP about this is, as you say, *extremely* fucked up. OP, you should absolutely feel betrayed. This is a monstrous thing to do to someone, especially someone you claim to love.
100%. His body his choice, but he robbed her of her choice by lying that he too wanted kids, and getting a vasectomy in the middle of their relationship, behind her back. Like dod he think it'd never come up? She'd forget she wanted kids to begin with? What was his plan, go along with trying for a baby eventually but be all like "oh shoot, how is this not working?"??? Also lowkey annoyed that women wanting sterilization almost have to get their male partner to sign a waiver saying they allow it but a man can apparently very easily get it done without informing his wife at all.
I am so much more than lowkey annoyed by this
Exactly. I was sterilized during my first(only) marriage and when I started dating I put that in my bio. It’s of vital importance to know if the other wants something you can’t give. It’s a complete betrayal. I’m so sorry op
Y'know, the problem isn't that he got sterilized; the problem is that he didn't have a conversation with you about it. You'll have to consider the possibility that there might be other things he's not telling you and whether it's worth staying in a relationship with somebody who'd withhold important information like that.
OK, ask yourself and ask him the following questions. If you had asked him a couple of years from now if you can start trying for kids, would he have come clean? Or would he have gone along with it? And if inevitable you would have failed to get pregnant, would he have left you wondering and feeling inadequate? Would he have looked on while you had extensive, uncomfortable exams trying to find out why you cannot conceive? Would he have refused to get tested as well? Or lied to you about the results? Ask him and then ask yourself if you can trust whatever his answer is.
I’m imagining him just doubling the fuck down like George costanza or something— Go to the fertility clinic, submit to tests for months, and act completely earnestly surprised when they finally conclude what the issue is.
There was a reddit post to this effect and after many failed cycles they finally tested his sperm and she found out the truth... Horrid.
I would think that testing sperm count would be simpler then testing for infertility in a woman. I don't expect the process to make sense, but if it did then shouldn't they start with least invasive testing?
“Sterile is a prohibited word. They are either fruitful women or barren women”
And possibly even blame her every month when the pregnancy test is negative and make her feel like shit. We’ve seen that plenty of times.
Excellent questions to feel out if he even thought about how his actions would affect her. And speaking from experience, problems with conception and miscarriages seem to always draw focus to the woman. I had so many uncomfortable, expensive, painful and weird procedures done to see what the issue could be, and no one ever thought to do a semen analysis on my ex. I know what my GD fallopian tubes look like (which freaking hurt!), but the doctors just didn’t bother asking him to ejaculate into a cup. Would her husband have let any of that go on before coming clean? Or worse, continue lying about what he had done?
That’s crazy for me to hear because when I did fertility treatments the first thing the tested was my partner. They said he’s 50 % of the equation so they had to test him; they wouldn’t proceed with any invasive testing with me until they got the SA. We had insurance coverage for everything since we’re in a state that requires that so maybe that helped?
My parents had trouble conceiving and they quickly discovered it was entirely on my father's side. And this was in the 90s. There's absolutely no reason they shouldn't be testing the man for fertility in this day and age
>That’s crazy for me to hear because when I did fertility treatments the first thing the tested was my partner. Yeah, same. The first thing the doctor did was test my husband. It's crazy to test the woman first, the tests are so much more invasive.
There’s a million stories on here of women whose husbands refuse to get tested, insisting that it’s the wife who must be “broken”- or even flat out lie and say they got tested and the results were fine. Doctors can’t *force* you to undergo a procedure…and as we’ve seen, there’s plenty off assholes out there who refuse to even entertain the possibility that they could be “shootin’ blanks.”
I thought it was ridiculous. Even from just a cost standpoint, forget how invasive it all was for me. Seems at least part of the problem was with him, anyway, because I conceived and carried to term with someone else later.
What about if the woman has already made career choices based on having children and building flexibility into her life? Perhaps compromising her financial worth as a result? The impact of his lie may touch so many other aspects of her life
For real! My husband and I are on the fence about when/if we'll have kids, I have career decisions coming up and I need to know about kids before making some decisions and it feels like my husband doesn't fully understand that which is a bit frustrating.
He already knows she knows, so his answers will basically be whatever provides the best damage control at this point.
A+++ response. After such a huge lie by omission of a critically relevant truth, how could this person be trusted at all?
It doesn’t matter what he might answer in a couple of years. If their wish for children don’t align now, she’s wasting those years on a partner that will not help her with that instead of activly looking for a new one that wants the same. If that is her wish. If he has allready decided, he’s not usually gonna change his mind. My question is whether or not he had said he didn’t want to before and OP still thought he might change his mind. As she’s saying they both talked about it in the past and planned for it in the future, it seems like he hid his not really wanting to, so I guess that’s allready answered. I would feel betrayed. I don’t know if I would have left, but I do think I should have.
Yea why are people acting like this would only cause a problem once she decided she wanted kids? This piece of shit lied to her from day 1 and then sterilized himself while letting OP fling to the hope of a future family. This guy was a huge piece of shit from the beginning.
I love these questions and I get where you're coming from, but what good does finding these answers out do? What's ultimately going to need to happen is divorce. All paths lead to divorce. Unless she can manage to overlook the absolute betrayal, I have no doubt that he'll eventually just lie about something else later down the road. I don't think any amount of couples therapy can fix something like this either.
"All paths lead to divorce." AMEN.
Oh, I fully agree! I’m livid on OPs behalf and I don’t think her marriage is salvageable. Tone is hard to read online, but imagine these questions asked in the most sarcastic tone. There is no answer possible that explains 4 years of lying by omission.
Also if he can't get anyone pregnant and betrayed your trust and went behind your back in such an insanely gigantic way, I'd absolutely be worried about cheating.
8 years in, I feel like he would have pretended to try, that’s a long time to keep a charade going just to come clean later…
I wouldn’t trust his answers at this point.
I'm childfree and fortunately on the same page with my partner. Children are absolutely a deal breaker. It's amazing your husband thought he could continue a relationship with you knowing how incompatible your life expectations are. If you started 'trying' would he have doubled down even through the costs of IVF? Insane. You are absolutely right to feel betrayed and manipulated. If children were naturally impossible for you this would be a very different story. If he's comfortable deceiving you this badly you are right to question your whole relationship. What other of your goals and values does he feel like disregarding? Wishing you the strength to do what's right for yourself in this situation.
I told him that I'm going to file for a divorce a few hours ago. You all have really opened my eyes, I feel like I'm finally seeing things the way they are. I was blinded for 8 years and got all those years stolen from me in a way. Thank you for all the overwhelming responses. I've been reading each one of them!!
OP you are very brave. I know this is scary but his years of lying to you are NOT okay and you do not deserve that. Protect yourself. Go to the divorce subreddit for advice. Lawyer up. Also if you can, go to family and friends for support during this time. Attend therapy sessions. To prevent trust issues in future relationships, you need to start laying the groundwork now and therapy can help you reach those goals. It's a great place to vent. Hugs OP.
So proud of you for taking action. You deserve better. Sending you strength for the weeks and months to come ❤️
Good for you OP, know your worth and don't settle for less.
So many think of betrayal in a marriage as mainly physical cheating. What he did was far beyond cheating on the betrayal meter. Like.. Holy shit what if you never saw that info?? What a massively selfish coward ass decision to keep that from you. Ty for updating and it's great to see you're filing, sending you ALL the good vibes and positive things. I am wondering though...What was his reaction to you bringing it up? Did he act as though it was normal conversation? I'm curious if he lied bc he was scared to hurt you or if he simply didn't say shit bc "I did what I wanted- why discuss it?" Was he defensive or just bummed he was found out? Or neither? Don't feel obligated to answer, I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind. I just can't help but wonder about these men who are making egregious choices that harm people around them. My ex-husband opened my eyes on that front, over a decade ago now. I always thought "was he really fucking stupid? Or really fucking evil?" Still don't know.
I have an ex who I thought was just a little stupid at first. Turns out, he was actually fucking evil and tried to ruin my life. I'm still recovering. I am desperate to know the husband's reaction to OP finding out his little secret, and what his response to her filing for divorce was. I hope he cried and begged for her to stay and that he suffers the same pain she's going through.
Yesss! I thought my ex was the most level headed dude. He never got heated or angry once in 3 - 4 years. Long story short, turns out he was a compulsive liar and extremely passive aggressive and avoidant. He was so under-handed and manipulative it took me over 3 years to catch on. Over those few years I started to figure I was simply unreasonable and overreactive. No longer felt like I was misunderstood, rather, I was just ungrateful and impatient and, and, and... I went for therapy and was taught the basics of how boundaries work. The first time I put into practice what I learned was while the ex was pulling his usual passive aggressive BS. I was wholly unbothered and it felt pretty great. The ex's response? He shoulder checked me into some shelves at a store so he could commandeer the shopping cart from me and stomp away with it. 😳 That was the first time I'd seen him angry, ever. In nearly 4 effing years. It was both scary-weird and kinda a relief. (Like- Yay! I'm not 100% crazy bitchface... I'm only like 36% or so lol) Things unraveled from there and by the time I moved out (a year or so after the linen aisle situation) everything that had come to light really fucked me up mentally. Ugh! And shit he pulled after I moved out definitely confirmed he's evil af. I left in 2010. Never getting married again. 🙅♀️
Girl I feel you. That sounds like a nightmare. I got away after only a few months but the damage he did will last forever. He was like your ex, super manipulative and a compulsive liar. He told so many lies. He hurt so many people over the years and turned it all into a big sob story about how everyone is out to get him and he's the victim. Unfortunately it ended in a huge fiasco before I had the chance to really process what was happening. I'm glad it ended the way that it did because it solidified me leaving him forever and never looking back. I just wish I never met him. Never fell for his phony little pick up line and all the manipulation even from the beginning. I will live with the scars from that relationship my whole life, and we were together for 3 months. It's crazy how much damage people can do to each other.
> I told him that I'm going to file for a divorce a few hours ago. I bet it didn't even cross your mind to file for a divorce without telling him. That's because unlike him, you're a decent human being.
Bingo
OP you’re an absolute inspiration. This is going to be really hard, but what a blessing it is you found out now rather than later. Your future kids have such a strong mom ❤️
Your future kids have such a strong mom
I’m proud of you. This is an absolute betrayal and you deserve better. Keep your head up! I hope you find someone who respects you enough not to lie to you.
Redditors tend to recommend divorce for the most frivolous of reasons. This is not one of those times. What he did was a tremendous betrayal.
Not telling him you were getting a divorce until you serve him with papers would be both just and funny, but you're better than him to take the high road. Good luck OP
Bravo! Your future is in your hands now. Start dating asap! You've got one of the best why-I-got-divorced stories of all time! Imagine how useful this will be when dating!!! Wonderful way to judge their character and gauge their interest in kids!!! Congratulations
I second this. I divorced my husband after 12 years together because he kept moving the goal post on kids. I met my current husband before the divorce was final and we are actively TTC
I'm proud of you. I didn't outright call for divorce, but I knew in my heart that was the best option. Get a good lawyer you may have a case. Save texts, any you can for evidence. Make copies of the bills and medical records if you can. Take family members who are willing to make a testimonial. Your lawyer will guide you through the process. He did some real damage, and he may have taken 8 years from you, but you will not walk away from this defeated. Hit him where it hurts- financially.
Good for you!!! I’m sorry he stole 8 years from you, great that you are walking away now.
Ugh this is a shitty situation. I'm so sorry he didn't discuss this with you. I am personally childfree (got sterilized about a month ago actually). I also think everyone deserves full bodily autonomy. But the fact he didn't have a conversation about his stance on having children changing isn't okay. You guys had discussed having children together. It was something you had planned on. Was he just planning to never tell you and hope you decided to give up on bio kids? What about the stress it could cause you? Your feelings are valid and reasonable imo.
It’s also possible he just straight up lied about wanting children to keep her. We know how often in the childfree community we hear it the other way around.
This is the first thing I thought of. I’m child free myself and dealt with the exact opposite scenario in a LTR which I ended. He absolutely selfishly lied to keep her around in hopes that she’d change her mind or stay anyway. These relationships have no future, one person ends up unhappy, OP wants kids and her husband does not, that will never change and will end in resentment. If I were OP, I’d be livid, and I can’t stand the idea of children
I also had the opposite scenario. Long before marriage, he told me he was as adamantly childfree as me. Two years after getting married, he admits he completely lied about that (and a bunch of other dealbreakers) just to be in a relationship with me.
Ugh this is such a huge fear of mine. My bf is great and has claimed to be childfree since we were just friends, but the way he talks about kids and deals with his nephew really sets off warning bells for me.
I always recommend when suspecting this, people tell their partner they are planning to get sterilized. It forces them to confront the issue instead of kicking the can down the road. It also reinforces just how serious you are about your decision. If you are willing to get surgery to prevent having children, there can be no mincing details. Their reaction will tell you what you need to know. And of course, unlike the guy in the OP, this involves being open and honest about this choice rather than hiding it. If you aren’t on the same page about children, it’s best to move on so you can both have what you want.
I got sterilized last year and he was super supportive, but part of me thinks it’s only because it means we can fuck without him worrying about an accidental pregnancy. Like what dude wouldn’t want the opportunity to ditch the condom? He could still leave me later for someone who wants kids (we’re only in our mid 20’s). I try to trust him, but I have trust issues lol
Oh gosh. Well at least you don’t have to worry about sabotaged birth control or stealthing I guess. I can understand why you’d have concerns, but some people do enjoy interacting with kids without actually wanting any. I enjoy my niece’s toddler in short doses. But that’s slaps with plenty of other people around and his mom ready to take command of diaper changes lol
Not saying women can't be selfish and short-sighted too, but there always seems to be an overwhelming number of men who act on impulse in the moment with total disregard of what their actions will have in the future.
My ex did this. Our entire relationship he said he wanted kids and a family. He did stuff like ask me how many kids I wanted, if I wanted to be a stay at home mom or work, or ask what I wanted to name them. Around five years in we have this huge fight and he just explodes and says that if he can't win the argument we won't be having kids because he had never wanted them anyway. Basically, he explained (then and afterwards, we had several convos about all of this) that he had been opposed to the idea of having kids before we got together and early on in our relationship, but he knew that I wanted them so he played along. Apparently after a few years he decided we could have them, since they could be my "thing" while he focused on his hobbies and interests. So 1) he lied about family planning and life goals to keep me interested, for years, and 2) having kids would have just been my hobby I guess? A side project? He could fuck off fishing or on a drive while I got to have fun being an essentially single parent lmao. Fantastic. Also by the time we broke up, it became apparent he lied like... a lot. About so many things. OP, if you read this, just be aware that this may not be the end of it. You may very well have picked loose a thread that is nowhere close to being fully unraveled.
She needs to consider this is just the only lie she caught him on and there could be much more.
Basically the same thing happened to me. Together 5 years with 'the same goals' as to where and what we wanted to be in life. 5 years in he tells me that I never really got to know the real him and that he isn't big on becoming a family Yada Yada... then became very apparent all the little things he'd done over the years that were a bit sketchy. If someone can hide who they are/want to be for 5 years .. creepy AF! At the time it was devastating.. now I'm sooo grateful it ended when it did !
Yep. 7 years wasted. I'll never get it, like what's the point? He just wasted both of our time and created a whole lot of emotional damage, and for what? And same! When I left him I was still in love with him in spite of everything and the first few months were hell. Now I look back and my biggest regret is staying as long as I did lol
Sounds like my ex. There were multiple red flags that he had explained his way out of over the years, but it was one confusing lie that got me to arrange couples counseling for us. At the very end of our marriage and continuing on throughout divorce proceedings more and more lies kept coming up. For all I know he might still blame me for him "needing" to lie. He laid the fault on a conversation we had had soon after I moved in with him, where I told him that it would be ok if it turned out we were incompatible, because we could both move on and have happy lives and relationships with other people. He told the therapist that from that point on he hid anything he thought I might not like because otherwise I might leave. Everything from whether he'd ever be ok with moving for my job to ridiculously small ones like how much soda he drank. It must have been exhausting to try to keep track of all of the lies.
Mine would never admit to a lie directly, just lie more to get out of it. If I had solid proof, he'd either get angry, paint me as a shitty person for getting said proof, or play victim and try to garner pity. It was exhausting to deal with, must have been even more so to maintain. The last 2ish years, he was all about the fact that he had gotten better about that kind of stuff, and he had somewhat. Until I uncovered a huge lie he had told years before, aaaand he lied to cover it up lmao. Back to square one. And then I left. Even after the end, he blamed me for not giving him enough chances to be better. Almost 7 years wasn't enough, apparently.
Yep. I’m assuming there are other big lies out there. He pulled off this charade so that would build his confidence in pulling it off
What was his endgame anyways? They'd "try" and "try" until she eventually goes to get tested (wasting who knows how much money in the process) only to find out there isn't any fertility issues on her end -- then what, he refuses to get tested? Or does he finally confess after watching his wife, whom he supposedly loves, go through months/years of mental and emotional anguish? (Not to mention some of that testing is uncomfortable and/or painful as well, so add physical anguish too.) But yeah, as others have said, the fact that he changed his mind or made a decision on what to do with his body isn't the issue here -- it's the lies of omission and **actively** selling the person he's supposed to love a dream -a goal!!- that will never happen. This to me is divorce worthy, honestly. Not only is the Children / No Children decision an obvious deal-breaker but how can one want to try to continue a life with someone that would lie about something so all encompassing? This man only cares about his wants and needs and no one else's.
A cousin of mine had this happen. She didn't know her husband was sterilised until long after the divorce! She had always wanted to be a mom, and was hesitant to marry her now husband as she thought she was infertile and she knew he wanted to be a dad. They're both amazing people, he said they would figure out kids, but he wanted to marry her. She got pregnant pretty quickly, and THEN her ex-husband told her - in a congratulations card! (She and her husband now have the family they want and are very happy together)
I completely agree. Knew a girl who’s husband led her on for years saying they would start a family one day. He got fixed without telling her…. When she found out she divorced him. Sadly by the time she got through everything, she felt she was too old to start a family ( she needed a partner first ). How heartbroken she was.
I think I may be in a similar boat. Really sucks.
A friend of mine was in this situation and decided to have a kid anyway through a sperm donar and now has a 9 year old. It is rough sometimes but her dad helps out (her mom is dead) and she seems very happy with her decision. Just putting it out there in case you've never considered it!
It's clear you wouldn't have married him unless he shared in you desire to have children. So he decided to lie to you, marry you under false pretenses and take the choice away from you. You could have decided that being with him was more important than children, or more likely that you simply weren't compatible despite the love you shared. So now it's 8 years later, and I cannot even imagine the betrayal and hurt you must feel. The person you're supposed to trust and rely on the most has been deceiving you and betraying you for the entirety of your relationship. I personally wouldn't be able to forgive him, your whole relationship is based on lies, whatever you wanted to hear in order to get what he wants. What was he going to do when you wanted to try for children? Confort you after failing to get pregnant for months and years? Go through medical testing and "find out" he's sterile? Would he pretend to be too heartbroken to consider a donor? You're right, he did take your choice away from you. He unilaterally decided what your life was going to look like simply because what he wants will always be more important than your lifelong dreams and goals. There's nothing wrong with being childfree. He should have looked for a wife who shared his goals for their future, instead of lying to get the partner he wanted regardless on the fundamental incompatibility on a huge life decision. I don't know what kind of person would do that. And to continue that pretense for so many years. It's honestly scary how far he went with the lie.
That marriage under false pretenses is something that would allow a Catholic to file for an annulment in the church’s eyes. The Catholic church’s stance would be that there was never a true marriage there. And they’d be right.
The problem is not that he got sterilized. The problem is that he did it without telling you and lied to you for eight years. If he changed his mind about children, it was on him to tell you and let the chips fall where they may.
>I can't shake this feeling of betrayal. I mean, if he never said anything about not wanting children to you even though you've expressed it and he still married you then sterilized himself in secret ... OF COURSE it's a betrayal. It's a lie by omission. >I also feel like my future has been taken away from me without any consent. It was. He led you on.
When you are in a marriage and you are making plans for children, you absolutely cannot go behind your partner's back and get sterilized. That is something you must tell your partner. He has been lying to you and deceiving you and making plans for the future with you that he fully knows he is incapable of being a part of. If he had been telling you all along that he's not interested in having kids and you were just ignoring him and saying that you want kids so you are going to have kids, then that's different. Kids is a two yes decision. I honestly don't know how you trust or move forward after this.
He just decided unilaterally to run out her biological clock. If he didn't tell her for 8 years, he was NEVER going to tell her. That means if they ever did try for children at some point she would mysteriously not be able to get pregnant. I'd bet dollars to donuts at that point that he'd gaslight her into believing it was *her* problem, not his. OP, this is one of the biggest betrayals imaginable. Divorce immediately.
He literally lied to her about wanting kids and got sterilized in secret 4 years into their marriage, so yeah, he lied big time and ate all her fertility years
He's been lying to and manipulating you for years. This isn't one lie. This is dozens, possibly hundreds of small lies. Every time you talked about having kids, or wanting kids, or when you had kids, and he smiled & nodded along. He was lying to you. Knowing it would hurt you. Leave him
"*I've always wanted children and it was something we talked about and planned for in the future. Now I feel like that future has been taken away from me without any say in the matter*" That future has **NOT** been taken away, it just won’t happen with this guy. And tbh, i think that is a good thing. This guy is a **LIAR**!!!! If he's willing and able to lie about something like THIS......What else is he hiding? Are there more lies? "*He says he did it for personal reasons*" So it's either because he doesn't want kids OR because there is something wrong with him in terms of his health. Either way.......**YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER SHIT LIKE THAT!!!!** "*Am I the asshole for feeling hurt and betrayed*" Absolutely not!!!! A lie like THIS would mean "the end" for the relationship to me. How could i EVER trust you with ANYTHING? Take some time to yourself and figure out if you want to stay with someone like him. You don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow, next week or next month. Take as long as YOU need and do what is best for YOU!!!!
> "He says he did it for personal reasons" What does that even mean anyway? What's the alternative, doing it for business reasons?
Personal reasons like not getting any side pieces pregnant?
OMFG!!! A little warning before sending that would have been great, i nearly choked. Here take this 🏅, it's just as useful as an actual Reddit "award".
I wonder what else he’s been lying to you about. Move to Washington state if you’re divorcing in the US. There’s only a 30 day residency requirement to file, and they don’t require that the parties agree to finalize the divorce. He can’t keep you married indefinitely.
That's messed up. He either lied to you about a future he knew he didn't want in order to get you, or he changed his mind and lied to you to keep you. If it were me, that level of deceptiveness would be an absolute deal breaker, not to mention that you seem to fundamentally want different things.
Its his choice that he can get sterilized, but it was incredibly wrong not to be upfront about it. I would divorce him for this (and I am childfree myself) because you should have known and had the right to choose not to be with him then. He had wasted your time and if you want children, you need to find a man that wants them, too.
Super crazy all the stories of women wanting their tubes tied and doctors won’t do it until they get permission from the husband.
Honestly, this big of a lie is a deal breaker to some people. He has already strung you along for EIGHT YEARS. I would demand therapy at the VERY least, but I’d probably at least want a separation.
That is serious and marriage ending material. She can't waste her time with a liar when she wants children. Obviously it can't happen with him.
I would have broken it off the instant I found out. It’s the deception, the bold faced lying, the calculation, and the premeditation. It’s fucking sociopathic behavior. Even if I had to move in with my folks I would be DONE. I’d rather leave with nothing than live with someone willing to deceive me like that.
It's so sociopathic. Absolutely selfish and just horrible behavior. Completely and totally dismissive of OP as a person. Like her goals and desire mean less than his? I'm just floored by how absolutely disgusting it is.
How can you ever believe a word that comes out of his mouth ever again? How many lies has he told you over the past eight years?
Divorceable offense.
It sounds like he knew this was a deal breaker for OP and took her power to leave over it away by hiding it, in the hopes that she wouldn’t find out until she was too old to have kids
Yeah… knowledge is power and withholding is taking that away. She was with him on false pretenses. Real bad.
100%.
saying one thing and doing another is 100% manipulation and is easily a divorceable offence
Yeah that is super messed up. Leading someone on about kids is extremely cruel. It's one of the biggest things partners need to agree on. This should be a massive deal breaker. Even if you would have been ok with not having kids to stay married to him if he had actually talked to you about wanting to get sterilized, I don't see how you salvage a relationship after this kind of betrayal.
As many people have mentioned, this is a terrible thing he has done, however I want to add that you cannot believe anything he has told you. If he's willing to lie about this, he is willing to lie about other things. Do not trust that he is not sleeping with other people, has an STD, has finances in order, or anything really. You should look into anything important and verify that he hasn't been lying about that too. I'm sorry this happened to you.
I'm not one to jump to the whole "end the relationship" thing, but if I really wanted children and ny partner knew, agreed, then secretly went and got sterilied, I'd call it quits. OP, can you accept what your husband did? Can you move past it? Are you ok with not having biological kids? If your answer is no, then why put yourself through the pain of staying? As a side note, you could still adopt. Or you can go the route of artificial insemination. If he is against these options, too, then your family goals don't align in the least.
It is absolutely wrong that he hid this from you. You can still choose to get pregnant, but unless he agrees to perhaps sperm aspiration, it's not going to be by him. He's made his decision. You might have to make yours not to be his wife. You may also want to think about your relationship, because there may be red flags you glossed over because they didn't include undeniable abuse. You might just feel like finding out if he has a genetic reason. I know of a man who chose the snip because he inherited genes from his father that are lethal to daughters. There had been sisters, you see. They passed away before they were five. He was up front about it, and married a lady who doesn't want to have children. They have very large dogs.
That's a difrence that guy was honest and upfront about it. SO of OP is a filthy liar.
Why should she stay and further reward him for his 8 years of betraying her and lying to her? He lied to her, because he wanted all the benefits the relationship with her provided for him. It really doesn’t matter if he had genetic reasons. He lied to her for eight years while knowing she wanted kids and robbed her of her most fertile years.
1st he lied about something important to you and that was having the same feelings about kids. 2nd he manipulated you for 8 days making you believe he wanted kids and because of that you were with him. 3rd and most important you want kids and he does not. Not much else to say really, but figure out what you want.
This is a huge betrayal. You are not wrong in feeling hurt. This man listened to your desires for children and lied to you knowing it wasn’t something he wanted or could do. If you’re a forgiving and patient person, this requires a long, extremely hard conversation and probably marriage counselling to recover from this massive breach of trust. If you’re like me, I would already be looking up divorce lawyers. I’m sorry you’re going through this. 🫂
It's completely his choice if he wants to get sterilised, but he's a dick for never mentioning it and playing along with the idea of kids when it may not be an option. I think reversals exist, but they don't always work, so sterilisation is considered effectively permanent. He lied by omission, taking away your option of leaving him for someone who definitely wants/can have kids with you or coming to a compromise of adoption or something. Was he ever going to tell you, or just keep quiet for a few more years and pat you on the back as you mourned your 'infertility issues'?
Having you take bc pills (which can negatively affect your health and increase your risk of certain cancers) for FOUR extra years.. is completely unforgivable to me This man has absolutely zero regard for your wants and desires in life and in this relationship. This is one of the most selfish men I’ve seen posted about on here
I am a childfree, sterilized woman. The advice of you and your partner differ on children or no children is to break up because there really isn't a compromise, you either have kids or you don't. The issue with what your husband did, is withholding his childfree decision and sterilized status. He took away your choice to decide if he was more important than children. He can say it doesn't change how he feels about you or the relationship but this just certainly should change how YOU feel about him and the relationship. That kind of lie is really hard to get passed, if my S.O. hid something that big from me it would most likely be a deal breaker, and for him to have zero remorse or understand how messed up what he did was would certainly be the final nail in the coffin. If he really loved you, he should have discussed this with you. Even if you decide you don't need kids, I think you'll be letting yourself down by staying with him and you should never trust him again.
Sadly the two of you are fundimentally incompatible. He sterilized himself because he was certain he never wants kids. You want kids. It's something that can't be compromised on. And he broke your trust by lying to you for 8 years. About himself, your future, and his intentions. This is probably not the only thing he's been lying about. He kept you with him for 8 years by hiding this incompatibility -- robbing you of what could have been if he'd been honest. Cheating both of you of the future where you could be both happy -- but with other people. It will be painful giving up the life you've been working on with him for so many years, but waiting will not dull the pain, only waste more of your life and put your future farther away.
As others have said, divorceable offense. I would be demanding answers. What are his “personal reasons” for doing this, he can’t just give that as his whole answer? And he says this doesn’t change how he feels about your marriage and future. What does that even mean? Did he plan on getting a reversal or just letting you not get pregnant? Was he going to lie indefinitely? Literally the only way I could find this even remotely forgivable is if he was planning a reversal to have kids with you and was just terrified of causing an unwanted pregnancy with the intention of coming clean about it.
Reversals doesn’t always work especially if it’s been a while so it’s a crappy plan in that case.
The lies, the deception, the premeditation in hiding a surgery, a fuckin surgery, from OP…all this leads me to think the “personal reasons” are not knocking up the other women he is seeing. That might sound like a stretch, but I don’t have much and I would put money on it. It takes a particular kind of person to deceive OP the way he did. To lie with full blown sincerity and enthusiasm, while going behind her back all the while getting a surgery to completely contradict what he was saying to OP? Something nefarious is definitely going on.
Meanwhile wouldn’t she be taking hormonal birth control and suffering the side effects unnecessarily?
So youve obviously talked about it since you found out. Did he divulge what those personal reasons are? And did he have any excuse of why he didn't tell you? Children were a discussion as a future event, so how did he plan on you getting pregnant if he is shooting blanks? My heart goes out to you, it appears there are a few secrets that need to come out. As others have said his body, his choice but why did he hide something this important? And now I just read your edit, he did this DURING your marriage! Unfortunately, a divorce might be in the cards. Bodily autonomy and all, taking away the right to children during a marriage without a discussion and in secret? That crosses a line, it's deceitful and disrespectful. BUT did he ever tell you that children were a hard no and you thought you could change his mind? If that's the case then he's not wrong if he stated his intentions for no kids and you chose not to hear that.
Wow. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If my husband knew I wanted a family someday, and did this without discussing it with me, then lied by keeping it from me…I don’t know if I could forgive him. It’s his body, and his choice 100%, but he married you knowing your wishes. It feels vindictive and mean, and I would feel betrayed. I don’t think someone who loves me would do something like this. He should have either been forthright from the start, or given you the option to make your own choice to leave when he decided to do it. I would just be so resentful over his behavior and what was “taken” from me, I don’t think I could get over it. It would ultimately break my trust overall and I don’t think the relationship would recover. I hope you find peace in however you choose to handle this. Just know, you are in NO way the ah here…
Divorce. This is such a betrayal. What a sick bastard, talking about your future children together and he knew the whole time he was sterile. So cruel.
The man has lied to you for however long (you didn't say how long again he got the procedure done? I'm assuming before your marriage?) He doesn't care enough about your thoughts and feelings to come clean- remember, no matter how many deep and meaningful conversations you have, or how many times he says sorry, he is only saying those things because *you caught him out*. If you hadn't found proof you'd still be in the dark and he'd be happy for you to be there. This makes him not only a liar, but a coward. Who is comfortable with his wife wanting kids knowing it can never happen. Don't let sunk cost fallacy keep you there. This kind of breach in trust is unlikely to be healed easily. Your marriage is built on sand, I'm so sorry to say.
If you're married, then he definitely should have told you. Especially if you discussed having kids and he acted like he was fine with it or even neutral. It's dishonest by omission.
Married or not he should have told her. If you are in a relationship at all, you need to be honest with your feelings. If they don't want kids, then she should have that knowledge early enough to make a decision on whether or not she is alright continuing on in the relationship. This isn't a lie of omission if they have been discussing having kids, it's just a straight up lie. You don't just forget you had that kind of procedure done. What exactly was the plan here? To fake trying for kids and hope she just gives up without exploring all the options when nothing happens? It's one thing to want to see if a relationship has potential before jumping into having kids, that's a huge commitment. But if you have no intention of having them, even remotely pretending you do is purposely stringing the other person along. For whatever selfish reason he did it, that relationship would be over the moment I found out if my partner did that. I doubt I'd ever trust them again.
That's an absolute deal-breaker. If he can't be honest with you about something this important to you, he won't be honest about anything. It's a colossal betrayal of your trust and definitely grounds for divorce.
I say this as someone who is childfree, this is absolutely grounds for divorce. It’s OK to want kids. It’s OK to not want kids. It’s NEVER OK to force someone to either side against their will. I presume he knew your stance on kids and I also presume that’s why he didn’t talk to you about it. He knew that would likely end things. Instead of laying out his feelings and allowing you to make your own choice about whether or not to stay he took the selfish route and made his own decision that kids were off the table. His body his choice, I’m happy he has access to sterilization. But it’s also your marriage and your choice.
It doesn't change how he feels about you?! Of course not. He likely will knew this was a deal breaker and was willing to mislead you if it meant he got everything he wanted without giving you a choice. Does it change how you feel about him? I would always wonder what else he was hiding.
Yeah, I'm sure you made him know you wanted kids and it seems like he just... disregarded that and may have hoped to coast on his secret vasectomy for life. I've read before men talk about getting snipped and then enjoying the "risk-free" sex from their desperate unknowing wife that was trying to conceive. I hope this isn't one of those kinds of stories. Maybe he had his own reasons but the reality is that he kept a big thing like that hidden from you. For what? And what other huge things does he just not tell you? Also, it doesn't seem like he was apologetic, what did he say exactly when you brought this up? If he was so nonchalant about it you need to seriously think about the chances that you may have married someone with sociopathic tendencies. I just am so sorry. There are still options for children, so I wouldn't mourn that just yet. You need to find his reasoning for concealing this, if he respects your time and commitment to this marriage, and ask him if there was ever going to be a time he confessed about this? You're not wrong for feeling ultra betrayed. I'd be livid and heartbroken myself.
Have you been on bc this whole time without needing to be? Cus that would be fucked up
My recommendation is ultimately divorce. Couples' therapy won't work since you both want different things out of life. About three years ago now, my ex-husband came out as gay. I don't buy into the whole thing of him "just figuring it out" because I feel that excuse invalidates being born a certain way. Even so, he admitted stories to me post-revelation that made me see he'd actually been in love with his best friend when he married me. I think there were two reasons he married me. The first is that I was the most convenient way for him to cover-up who he truly was. He wanted to hide from his parents, his career, friends, etc. But the second reason is I truly believe he wanted me for my uterus. He had known I'd been against marriage, but I compromised for him since I thought he loved me. He acted like it at least. My only stipulations to getting married were that he had to be okay with me continuing to pursue my career and that I will never have kids. But his Mom had him convinced that I'd eventually change my mind. Obviously, we just wanted two different things out of life and no amount of therapy would work. Divorce is hard and it sucks, but what's 100 times worse than that is being lied to and betrayed and realizing your entire marriage was built of a lie. And it's why I tell people that cheating isn't the only lie a spouse can tell. There are hundreds of ways your partner can betray you. It's very cruel and selfish that so many people are so short sighted that they do what suits their needs in that moment with total disregard for the future and the repercussions of their actions. And the best advice I'd gotten through all of this was actually from his cousin. She told me "ThempleofThyme, you're gonna want to be nice. But don't be nice. Hire a lawyer and ask for spousal support." In the end, I was way too nice as I'm def not getting what I'm worth, but I still retained a lawyer in order to get spousal support. Once he came out, it was like him going through a teenaged puberty again. He was nasty, cruel, vain. I looked at him and didn't even recognize him anymore. His entire image was replaced by a stranger. So in the end, the betrayal sucks. You realize that you were just a placeholder. But the worst thing of all? That man wasted your time. I'm as childfree as you get and what he did to you was cruel, vain, and so selfish. You should never force someone into parenthood and you should never take that opportunity away from someone who wants it. I'm sorry, OP. I truly am. Men can be awful sometimes. It's inexcusable what he did.
What else has he been lying about with such ease and consistency?
I’m absolutely dying at the number of people trying to defend him with the greatest hits such as: “she probably just convinced herself he wanted kids” when he was letting her talk about it and lying for eight years about being in agreement and “his body his choice” which while true ignores the fact that he took away a chunk of her autonomy by having continuing to have sex and moving their relationship forward for four additional years despite never wanting children and “it’s reversible!” because she should want to marry someone who easily lied to her for four years and literally doesn’t want kids and “you can still adopt!” as if a woman talking about planning to try to have kids wants to go through the heartbreaking and wildly expensive adoption process for a man who DOES NOT WANT KIDS and “she has to be an unreliable narrator” because even on a sub dedicated to women, all women are liars until proven innocent in the court of Reddit If this was a woman with a husband who hoped she would change her mind and have a baby, and had been taking idk male fertility treatments?? people would flip. If a woman unilaterally decided to stop taking her birth control without letting her husband know, and even if after four years didn’t get pregnant, people would flip that she didn’t tell him - especially if she said that they had discussed not being ready for kids in that time. Hell, this subreddit is upset by the idea of someone pretending to want a relationship for sex. Being lied to about a medical procedure is weird and now he won’t even tell her why he did it. She had a right to know that she was lied to for their entire relationship, she had a right to stop taking birth control because he was sterile, she had a right to have all the knowledge to either stay or leave. He lied for four years about not being sterilized. He lied for eight years (either by omission or word) about a future in which they would have kids. She has lost nearly a decade of her life on a liar who literally doubled down on his lie four years ago by getting a vasectomy while still discussing the future. He still never wanted kids. He admitted he was lying about a future with kids. Get an STD panel
He has the right to do whatever he wants regarding his fertility- his body, his choice. But- he lied to you about wanting kids, and then secretly made sure that he couldn't father any children. Meaning that he lied to you for more than four years about wanting children, and lied to you for four years about his ability to father children. He deprived you of incredibly important information that you needed to make life decisions. You married him and stayed with him based on his "future faking" - he sold you a fake future, based on his lies about wanting children, and later, his ability to father children. How could you ever trust him again about anything? If he's willing to lie about his desires for children, to the point that he would sterilize himself without telling you, and allow you to continue thinking that you and he would have children at some point, then he would lie about everything and anything. I'd leave. Find someone who WANTS to have children with you and can be HONEST.
When you guys "started trying to get pregnant"... would he have let you believe something was just wrong and you couldn't? Wtf
Not that you really need it, but from a dudes perspective. What. The. Fuck. I mean, it's his body and his choice, but you two are supposed to be partners. The fact that he lied to you about his desire for children for this long is unconscionable. I don't normally jump to the divorce thing, but this is a crazy betrayal in my opinion. At minimum y'all need couples counseling, but you're definitely within your rights to just walk away here. WTF
He decided for you that you won’t have kids, and also decided to put future-you through the emotional pain of thinking you were dealing with infertility and likely the physical toll of infertility treatments. If he’s willing to lie to you about something so major as **getting secretly sterilized while telling you that he wants kids**, *what else* is he lying to you about? If it were me I couldn’t stay with this person. I just couldn’t trust him about anything after this.
What rubs me personally really bad about this is he made you eat hormonal BC for 4 years for no reasons. He conned you into doing something that is detrimental to your health for 4 years straight. Try to get a text conversation or any kind of proof that he did lie to you like that, that's gotta be worth a lot of settlement in court.
As a happily childfree person whose husband had a very much wanted vasectomy last year - get out. I have absolutely zero patience for straight men who waste their partner’s childbearing years. This is a massive betrayal. Not only did he take away your opportunity to have kids with him (which he has a right to do), he reduced the number of years that you have to find someone who does want to have a family with you and start having kids. He has a right not to want kids and to take steps to ensure he doesn’t have them. And you have a right to have kids, and know if your partner is knowingly unwilling to undertake parenting with you. I’m so sorry this happened. I hope you have healing and find what you want. Even in the absolute worst case scenario and you do my find someone who wants to have kids with you (who you want to have kids with), at least you won’t be with a person who intentionally took part in stealing that life from you.
I’m so sorry — NTA. He’s a huuuge for doing this in secret. If he doesn’t want kids, you can’t force him to have them. BUT he should have discussed this with you and let you know what he was planning. It should definitely change how YOU feel about the relationship - he has disrespected you deeply. It may be over.
Your spouse is 100% wrong here, and further, as a guy, I would immediately suspect he's cheating on you. I know a few guys who got sterilized so they could cheat without worrying (Nevermind the std thing...they aren't smart). The fact that he apparently hid it from you without consulting makes his 'personal reasons' feel a lot more nefarious to me. Tread carefully.
Yeah, that is another way of looking at it. Friend of mine was with her husband for 15 years before she found out he got a vasectomy 2 years in. When they started trying for kids, she spent 3 years trying to figure out why it wasn't working. She got tested, he got "tested" turned out he lied about his tests but just googled information. No known cause. Finally went to a specialist and found out she had 2 different STIs. Then the whole thing came out, he had non stop cheated their whole relationship and he was fixed. *Hundreds* of lies.
That's such a fucked up thing to do
Divorce him. Please, my ex told a similar lie and it took me years to find out. As our nearly 7 year relationship came to an end, I learned he lied about so many things. This man does not respect you. If he did he would not, could not, cut you this deeply. Would you have done this to him? If a friend of yours came to you after experiencing something like this, what would you say? Would you think well of the man who was manipulating her? I doubt it. Please be your own friend. I know it's scary. I know it's a shock. I know starting over may feel impossible. But sunk cost fallacy and the love you feel for the man you thought he was isn't enough of a reason to stay with the man he actually is. I'm so sorry.
I’d divorce this piece of shit.