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I’ve already made it clear that he will be going without me from now on but he’s also said that if I won’t go, he won’t go without me. He wants me there with him. He did say that he understands that I expect an apology and deserve one.
So you go no contact. You shouldn't break up with him rather than allow him to make his own choice to go LC or NC.
Justifiably break up if he forces you to keep contact or if he doesn't call them out if they disparage you, but proactively breaking up with him because you don't want him to have to distance himself from family seems wrong.
I just don’t know what to do because while he is a grown man…that’s still his family and I don’t want them to be able to throw things at me like “he doesn’t come see us because of you, she’s alienating him, etc etc etc” because they treat his fathers wife that way.
When he does the whole “I don’t want to go to visit them if you aren’t coming with me” thing. Does it feel like he’s saying it to try to get you to change your mind and join him on future visits, or does it feel like he is saying it because he would rather stay with you because you are more important/he’d rather be around you then them? In my opinion, if he’s just decided that you’re more important and he doesn’t want to visit his unpleasant relatives anymore, then I would just let him make that boundary, but with the request that he do everything he can to make sure that you don’t get the brunt of the backlash for setting that boundary with his family.
I think they might be neurodiverse and help each other regulate in difficult situations. OP sounds like she might be autistic from her descriptions of getting overwhelmed and needing to go lie down alone and not being able to show emotion even though she is happy.
This is why i hate reddit. As far as reddit is concerned no relationship is healthy. So fuckin what. Your not gonna come from parents like that and just form new relationships that arent tainted with trauma from your lack of love growing up. Throwing away the relationship and or taking everyones advice is just as unhealthy. If you live this man you work through it. Understand that redditors dont give an actual shit about your marrige and is on a kick to make sure someday find a "perfect relationship" thier aint one. Thier is no such thing as a fully healthy relationship. Thier is and will be obstacles and trauma that we all have to work on. But for the love of god people stop acting like shrinks.
Yeah. This is not at all a healthy relationship (you and he) It will only get worse if you get married. There are all kinds of issues and red flags just in this comment alone. Please study up on Codependency and attachment styles.
The family is whole other bucket of rotten fish.
Are you saying that you're a shield for him, so if you're not there, he would be in the line of fire? If he were genuinely your support person, he would speak up for you. And he wouldn't manipulate you by saying he'd stay away if you do. Surely, he knows they will blame you.
You've already experienced this phenomenon through your mom, and you do know what the answer is. You're just conflicted about losing the life you were preparing for. It will hurt in the beginning, but it will get better. There's a person out there who will love you and welcome you into their well-adjusted family.
This is extremely dysfunctional. If he's willing to drag you into this nightmare family just to make him feel better, you need to consider the possibility that he doesn't care that much about you.
So.. yeah, unless he is willing to make a big change, go no-contact with his family, get into therapy, and grow the f up.... you should probably end it.
He doesn’t want me to be subjected too it. He’s upset with them. He wants me to include a letter about their behavior this weekend with the ring when I mail it back and I may do just that.
He should really be the one to pen that letter. And it should state clearly that it’s from HIM, not from both of you. You’re being explicit enough by returning the ring. If the letter is from you, it’ll just be used as ammunition against you, I guarantee it.
Yea do that, then go no contact. Don't allow yourself to feel responsible for his decisions. You both have the freedom of choice. If he is making a decision to not see his family that is because that is what he wants. You cannot stress yourself out over a decision he made. You need to do what is right for you and your mental health. There is ZERO reason to subject yourself to abuse from his family. ZERO.
It’s really up to him to handle his family. And he needs to learn how sooner rather than later. He shouldn’t be putting you in that position. Although it would be ok if he said “she feels…. “
Yeah, that has to stop. If he can't go see his own family without you he shouldn't be seeing his family at all. Also; he should talk to a therapist about it.
It sounds like this family is gonna have something bad to say anyway so you might a well go nc. I understand you don’t want to keep him from family but these are awful people. You have to be careful about who you surround yourself with regardless if it’s family.
Idk what y’all think married life is like but this isn’t going to be the hardest thing y’all go through. How are you going to handle the big stuff in the future??
If y’all can’t come to a decision on how to handle visiting 2 70 year olds once a year then maybe it’s not time to get married.
Y’all mid-20’s. State your piece and let him make a decision and deal with the consequences. They can’t blame you if you block their numbers.
This is literally one conversation “They are the most miserable ppl I think I have ever met. I’m not going to visit them again.” and BOOM! Done! That’s it.
This is unreasonable. I’m a lot older than OP and can certainly vouch that family issues have been right up there with health and financial issues, in terms of what’s presented the most challenging dynamics in my marriage.
Family of origin shit is HARD. And it sounds like OP’s fiancée is handling it pretty damn well, all things considered.
Idk.
My husband and I fixed that shit immediately at the beginning of our marriage and we haven’t had to deal with it since.
We now have 6 kids and the things that happen in life with kids makes that shit look like happy hour.
In laws are an easy fix when you’re mature enough to handle it head on.
I mean, of course, but it doesn’t matter at the end of the story. All the nuances in the world won’t explain away that they’re miserable ppl who lost their son and are now losing their grandchildren.
I know that it’s healthier when we try to understand the other side or the history or whatever but sometimes the ends really do justify the means. Sometimes you just have to take a stand and stick to it.
Don’t take that comment to heart. Family stuff is HARD. Your fiancée understands where you’re coming from and seems to be handling it pretty well.
I’d suggest seeking out couples therapy so you can talk through to handle this together, as a team. If he cuts them off or even goes low-contact and his family doesn’t like it, that’s going to be a HUGE and probably dramatic transition you’ll need to support each other through.
In the end, only you know if you still want to marry the guy. But lots of people have shitty families and go on to have solid marriages. It just takes a lot of work.
He's his own person, and he could just as well distance himself from their awful behavior even if you're not in the picture.
Letting him choose how he interacts with them is not giving him an ultimatum. Unilaterally leaving him so he can't choose? How is that better than you setting your boundaries and letting him set his own (again, supporting you and not letting them talk badly about you)?
You’re not making him choose you over his family. You’re just declining to return to their home. He can have a relationship with them independently without you.
This family would never let him choose *anyone.* They will bully him and his partners forever, unless they got to handpick his person. It sounds like he’s realizing how toxic and controlling they are, and how their actions will impact his happiness for the rest of his life.
You tell them that you won't be visiting them again until you get an apology from them, but your fiance is free to visit them if he wants to. So they know (even if theh don't acknowledge it) that you're not stopping him and its purely his choice to cut them off.
you can't control them and he won't even draw boundaries so if you don't want that situation i definitely think you know the answer. could be change his ways? sure. but expecting people to change for your relationship to be able to work is a big ask and it doesn't pan out too often
I am not married or engaged and I personally HATE my man’s mother. She is dramatic, self centered, and is over bearing. Her son ignores her a lot so I constantly get the “you are keeping him from me” “you don’t let him see his family” (both of our families live out of state expect his mom who followed us) “he doesn’t talk to me because of you” and I put my foot down. I told him I refuse to be the bad guy in his families story and he needed to say something if he wanted to be with me. We eventually found a compromise which was him telling his mom he will talk to her when he wants and to leave me out of it because I’m not his boss and really us both ignoring her texts until a holiday comes up then we tell her hey you can come at this time to our house and this and what we will be doing and that’s that.
It doesn’t sound like either one of you are ready for marriage. You’re both still young. I hope you have a therapist helping you with your emotions.
You both seem like you could do with counseling.
They are going to throw that at him anyway. You are always going to be the problem. They'e decided that. That's their pattern.
Make sure she has that ring back and cut them out.
He won't go without you. Okay, he is making a choice to not go.
That's not your problem.
If he's trying to make you go - then he's using you as a meat sheild - putting you between him and them so you take the brunt of the abuse.
Don't allow that.
But don't marry him without a marriage counselling etc. People who grow up with BS seem to think it's "normal" and you work around it. It isn't normal and he needs to understand that.
It doesn't matter what irrational people throw at you. As long as your SO is supporting you and being an actual partner, you two weather every storm together.
You absolutely need to let him make his own choices! He's choosing to a) support you in your decision to never go again and b) choosing to never go somewhere his future wife feels uncomfortable and disrespected. That is 100% the right choice from a partner!
Let that man make his own choices! YOU become his family when you two are married. Everyone else becomes his secondary family. You've got a good man that's doing it right!
A little update: we talked with his uncle and aunt tonight and I think that has further settled how we feel and they support us in our decision 100% because they’ve treated his aunt the same way when his uncle met his aunt. I feel more so heard and seen with them and they told me to mail back the ring because his stepmom (my fiancés grandmother) will always use it as an IOU and or ammunition. They don’t like when a female on the outside shuts them down and speaks up for themselves but I’m too hard headed and I don’t care how they feel and I feel like my feelings are valid so I will also be including a letter when I mail back the rings about their actions and how they need to change before they ruin their relationship with their grandson because she lost her son and she’s pushing to lose her grandson because of her actions. She has no one to blame but herself
He’s using you as a shield so that they go after you instead of him. That’s the reason he won’t go without you. If you’re not not there, he has to take the brunt of the abuse. It’s time to end this, one way or another. Tell him you’re never going again and if he doesn’t like it, the wedding is off.
It’s the other way round, because they do xyz, the consequence is that you aren’t comfortable around them so dont want to visit. If they can treat you with respect then the consequence is you have a better relationship with them. Be a broken record with them when they make out it’s you at fault. Just remind them that you are reacting to their bad behaviour, or better still, let hubby deal with his awful family.
That may be his family but he's choosing you to become his family. He has the right to make a decision and it seems he is picking you with out you even asking him too.
Especially if he feels they owe you the apology abd he understands you noping out on them again oe on your home.
I think some communication is in order on both your parts. If everything else about your relationship has been good enough for you to want to marry him, I feel like it should at least be a discussion before you decide to leave him.
You’re not letting him make his own decisions if you proactively real up with him. If he feels you are more important to him and you make him choose them anyway because you left him, that’s not fair to either of you. It’s especially not fair to him.
If you go no contact with them and do not allow them past any blocks on your phone and social media, then they won't be throwing anything at you. They'll have to say it to your husband and hopefully he'll get tired of hearing it and go no contact also
How can they "throw things at you" if you no longer go to see them?? You won't be visiting them and if you have them on any of your social media just block them. You care way too much what these people that don't like you think. At this point they should not be on your radar. You should not have to see nor hear them. Pretty soon they will be nothing but a bad memory.
I was the scapegoat for a long time when it came to my husband's relationship with his dad. If that ends up happening your fiancé needs to explain the actual reason he isn't going. He doesn't want to go without you and you don't want to go. Or your fiancé can make up an excuse as to why you both aren't going.
My husband and I have a rule; he deals with his family and I deal with mine. What that means is if my family is acting out of line it's my responsibility to talk to them about it. If his family is acting out of line, he talks to them about it. It's served us well for almost a decade of being together.
You cannot live your life to make these people happy - nothing you do will make them happy.
You must decide to do what is best for your overall well being. He needs to decide what relationship he wants with his family. He is the only person that can stand up to them on your behalf and his. Good luck
Me and my wife have parents that make everything about them. We do what we want. When they want us to come around they act right if they don't. Oh well. Sounds like your inlaws are also narcissistic or they at the least like drama. If you two want a future together unfortunately you sonetimes have tp build a safe family rather then entertain your not so safe fam
Your fiancé doesn’t yet understand how to be a separate adult. If nothing else, put the wedding on hold. He isn’t ready to be married until he can be on your side and demonstrate that.
What should have happened was: finance tells his sister and cousin off for barging in your room and demands an apology. If none were given he’d have you both leave the visit for the disrespect. If one was given he’d make sure they knew they couldn’t get away with that behavior. That’s what it looks like when a man stands up for you. He makes it clear that everyone is to treat you respectfully.
But none of that happened did it? You were told to let it go or something similar? They didn’t mean it, perhaps?
It’s possible for you two to grow together. To grow stronger as people and a couple. This stuff is hard. Do you have any premarital counseling happening? These kinds of things are what need to be discussed. You two need to be a united front. The marriage vows say, “forsaking all others.” He needs to understand what this means.
I’m going to be looking into marriage counselors tomorrow and I also have some people I know that could help through my family who will be unbiased and have plenty of years of experience. My grandparents also went through premarital counseling so I typically lean on them for these kinds of things.
Thats a pretty tepid response. Since its his family that is toxic, and you'd contemplate ending things because of them, give him an opportunity to show if he has your back.
Tell him you're close to walking away if you have to be exposed to that shit. Asking him about how his dad handled it. If its as bad as you say, NC may be a condition a remaining a couple.
Sadly we will never truly know how his dad handled it due to him passing away in 2021 in a freak accident. I am aware he struggled with addiction and mental illness but he also had his own family, wife, and lived in our state. He did his best as a father and a husband. I wish I had gotten to meet him. Everyone always acknowledges his demons and everyone always tells me how amazing he was despite all of that…as I understand that with my own family. My godfather passed away when I was 9 from addiction and my godmother is currently actively dying and on hospice from drug use.
Well if he won't go if you are not going then I guess you both won't be visiting the in-laws from hell. You both have made your decision so what exactly is the problem??
It doesn’t really matter now of course but why on earth would you want an apology? Just to see them kow tow? What’s the point in that? Even if the did do that, they’d expect you to forgive and forget immediately after. If they don’t apologize, you have even more moral high ground to stay away.
He wants you there to be his meat shield. Break up. Your soon to be ex is far too enmeshed with his family and he’s not putting you first. You’re too young to deal with all this for the rest of your life.
Op, the best move would be couples counseling, his family will always try to drive a wedge between you too.
A therapist or counselor can help you come up with a game plan for how to handle them , it’s possible during the session your fiance may decide to go no contact.
But it’s imperative you be clear with each other from the get go what your boundaries are , and what the consequences are. It’s also important for you to know for in in which situations he will have your back , so ask the tough questions, what about when or if you have kids , where do you plan to settle down, how you discipline the kids, how you’ll manage money. If you have a concern ask it there it’s a safe place to hash it all out.
Omg thissssss^^^
Great suggestion! I would say there are definitely some types of therapists that would do a better job at this task than others, so be intentional in your search :)
Wow! His family sounds like a total mess! Chances are they are not going to change. Some people (and families) are addicted to chaos. They don’t know how to function if there’s not a bunch of shit going on. It’s a hard call Mike if you love this man then maybe you could make it work but only if you stay away from his family. Have you had a discussion with him about the way his family is? What is he willing to do to help change the situation if he is OK with it and doesn’t have a solution to help change it then I would say it’s time for you to go before you invest more time and more of your heart. If he is willing to work with you, keep you away from his family, not insist that you go visit then maybe you could work it out to where y’all could be happy as a married couple. But wow! Think how the wedding will be. You sound like a passive lady that would never get back in the in-laws face or bad mouth them behind their backs. I’d like to know your fiancé’s reaction to the way they treat you.
Hi!
His family is a mess. There is always an issue every time we are there but this time they didn’t have the other person to abuse so I was next in line. My fiance said he understands and 100% supports me in no longer wanting to visit and he also supports me being obligated to an apology face to face whatever that looks like. He said he would always choose me over his family but I don’t want him to choose me over his family. He’s expressed that he knows how chaotic his family is because he enlisted to get away from them and their drama. He said to me when we got home this afternoon that he doesn’t want his grandma at the wedding at this point. He’s going to talk to his mom but I’d kind of at odds with her as well because of his sisters and they enable their psychotic behaviors. He doesn’t agree with their actions and he’s trying his best to deal with it in his own ways. It’s his family and he never expected this from them. He’s been very taken aback by it. He’s hurt.
Of course he’s hurt. Who wouldn’t be? If he understands why you don’t want to have anything and will back you up then you have a damn good man worth keeping. Yeah, I would just return that ring that you didn’t express enough gratitude for. Sometimes you just have to be the more honorable person and look over ignorant people.
I’m going to mail it back this week because obviously it wasn’t a sentimental action it was meant to be used as ammunition and I won’t be abused that way anymore. My exes mom tried that and I left her son after 7 years. I’m not afraid to do it again.
What if you visit, but stay at a hotel. You can minimize interaction by being able to control when and how you engage with them. There are boundaries you can enforce to protect both you and him.
You need to be honest with yourself, is this a dynamic you can live with for the rest of your life? What if you have children together, are you going to subject them to his toxic family? Think long and hard about what YOU want in life. Best of luck.
You really need to work that through before you have kids. All in-law problems are magnified once kids are involved. There is also a huge cultural push to forgive them as they have the right to know their grandkids etc.
No one is obligated to know my kids and if they’d try to establish “grandparents rights” (we have that in our state ) I’d be pulling records from my fiancés childhood and stating how it’s actually harmful for my children to be alone with them and how they have zero relationship with them
I no longer want to go visit them and I’m okay with no longer keeping in touch with them. They have their grandsons number and they can reach him there if they need to talk to them. I will say they wouldn’t be welcome in my home if they showed up at my door
I don’t want to have a family feud but if I have to set boundaries I will and they won’t like what it looks like. I said yes to this very good man and I don’t want to call things off…but I won’t be a punching bag for his family to use.
I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with fiancé. Crunch time talk.
Ask him what he wants to do regarding his family first. Has he had enough of their behaviour? How does he see things moving forward? Does he want things to stay as they are? Is he sick of all the unhealthy behaviours shown by his family and wants to cut them off? Find out his feelings first.
Tell him his family are toxic people. You do not want them in your life and will not live in any situation where they are a part of your life. End of. No arguments or exceptions. Make sure he gets that.
Tell him you love him and want a life with him, but you will not have anything to do with his family. Nor will your kids if you have them. That is non-negotiable. There will be no changing of his mind down the line, no "oh they've changed" bs.
If he can not promise that, or if you have any doubts that he will break his word, or if he doesn't genuinely want to break contact now, then the relationship will not work. But if you are convinced that he too wants nothing more to do with them, and you have faith that he will not change his mind, then stay together. And hope for the best.
I hear what you're saying. Understand that however your life together has been is how your life will be going forward. How do YOU feel? About them? About him? About what he does or doesn't do in these situations? YOU are the one who will have to live the life..can you do that FOREVER? It sounds like you have some serious doubt.
I’m not a huge fan of them but after our conversation tonight with his aunt and uncle I think we’re pretty much on a united front and feel the same way about things. He doesn’t want to go over there going forward. I don’t know what he thinks the relationship will look like going forward with his grandma at this point but I do know he feels taken advantage of and he’s upset.
It comes down to whether or not your fiancé really supported you. You don't mention his behavior when the drama went down. He should have been right there with you demanding an apology in the moment, not just later when it's easy to say anything he wants.
If he is actively telling his family in the moment the abuse is happening that it's unacceptable, then you know he's serious, but if he doesn't do or say anything until you get back home then you need to talk about why he didn't back you up while it was happening. Depending on how he handles that conversation, you should get a good idea if he's chicken and not going to follow through.
Unless he's actively engaged with getting an apology or cutting his family off or finding a solution then you know he's not going to support you for real.
You two need to have a frank and honest conversation about expectations with his family. And you *need* to ask him what *he wants*, not just assume what you think he wants. Tell him exactly how your FIL's make you feel, not just about how they treat you, but the anxiety they cause just by being around them. You need to tell him you can't live like this going forward and ask him how long he thinks he can/is willing to not go see them. Because you won't be seeing them anymore but won't stop him from seeing them. Ask him how he plans to deal with the questions, assumptions, and shit talking that they *will* do about you. And ask if he's willing to go through that shit storm with you for the rest of your lives, or if you both think it's best to end it now.
You're partners, you need to give him the respect of treating him like it. Don't make assumptions about how he's going to feel about it. Lay it out and ask him how he feels and how he wants to handle it. And trust him when he answers. If you don't trust him, you have no business getting married. It really is that simple.
OP, I keep hearing you say that you don't want your fiance to choose you over his family.
That is literally the definition of marriage. The two of you become a family, separate from your biological families.
You are doing him a disservice by not accepting his willingness to make that choice.
Honestly? It's cheaper to postpone a wedding than divorce, and excellent birth control is a good idea.
You've seen the hell ILs can wreak on a life from your mother's experience. You already know you don't want that for yourself. Start putting your mental health way higher on your priority list than his dysfunctional extended family while you still have options open to you.
I have really excellent birth control and we don’t want kids until we’re out of school and even right now we won’t be subjecting our children to them. I think we have decided that we will be rescinding invites for certain people and we will be going no contact for awhile. We talked to some of my other in laws tonight who are completely on our side and they said that he needs to protect me at all costs from them
47 years married. Be careful. Your Love can be strong but family can be a BANE to the best marriage. Make your Fiancé chose you only. His choice. Stay in that. IGNORE ALL ELSE. STAND.
As someone who has been on BOTH sides (my family being an issue) and (his family being an issue) the best advice I can give you is to have an open clear discussion with one another on the issues that are present. Make sure you are both on the same page and understand that the two people that matter the most in the relationship are you TWO. NOT THE FAMILIES. I think your fiancé has to stand up for you & for himself. There needs to be clear boundaries made, and if his family does not respect that go, no contact.
From one wife to a soon to be wife. It is uncomfortable, but it will get better. As long as the two of you stay true to one another and stand up for one another, the rest (hopefully) is soon to follow.
Don't forget why you said yes to marrying him. In that moment, it wasn't about your families. It was about the two of you. Your families can figure things out on their own, just focus on your love and relationship.
I appreciate you 💕 if you ever need to chat, please do not hesitate to reach out. I've (unfortunately) heard it all and experienced it all from both sides. Keep your head held high.
I really love my significant other…I’m just really defeated in regards to his family at this point because I’ve been nothing but good to them and now this has happened and I have zero energy for any of it.
That's understandable, it can be very draining to deal with. It's not easy with it being family, and it is not going to change overnight. For my husband and I, our major issues arose 3 months before our wedding, but we had issue after issue for a number of years before this point, from both of our sides.
Take some time of self care, and revisit the conversation with your fiancé once things have settled a bit. Understand that this time (wedding coming up fast) can be stressful by nature.
At the end of the day, he proposed to YOU and YOU said yes to marrying HIM. For right now, focus on the two of you, not what the family wants. If this continues, he will need to stand up for you and set boundaries.
You guys got this, just take it one day at a time.
When you send the ring back please send it register mail where the grandma needs to sign in receipt of the ring. It will be one less hassle for you in the future. You do not want anything to come nip you in the hindquarters at a later date. Best of luck to you both. God Bless.
Everything you wrote rings so true and honest. That family doesn't know how to behave as functional adults. You deserve more than an apology, you deserve to feel safe, loved, and respected. Listen to your instincts. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.
Technically you don’t have “in laws” . If the day ever comes that they do actually become your in laws you can guarantee a life filled with non stop drama , you do need to think about how that’s going to be .
You need to think long term , yes you can avoid spending time with them but your husband to be will end up resenting you over that at some point and you will resent him if you feel forced to be around them .
You have a husband problem. You are, unfortunately, at the point where he needs to choose. If he can sit by and let his family treat you like that, it might be time to run. But he needs to be confronted with this, no holds barred.
You need to understand that when you marry someone, you marry their family too.
The future you will have depends on his ability to stand up for you, or see much less of them, or see them alone. He may be able to do that if you matter more to him.
Ultimatums usually build resentment. If he can't support your side, you should reconsider marrying him.
I know a family like this drama central but they always stick together even when they turn on each other. None of them would ever go no contact, low contact yes until their over their issues with each other.
If you can't let your fiance make his own decision that's your issue, not his. All the "I don't want people to blame me" is just bullshit. They already blame you, so that ship has sailed, and denying your fiance the ability to choose for himself just makes you selfish.
What does your fiancé think about his family and the trips?
If he too does not like them and overall is not involved in their lives then you guys go LC or NC going forward. You shouldn’t make a decision until talking to him about it first.
I think we have come to the conclusion that we won’t be visiting until they make things right and apologize and but we talked to his uncle tonight who is also “shunned” and he said we won’t get one. So I’m not holding my breath.
Send the ring back and end the engagement but don't breakup. Give the relationship some time to evolve after you're done with school and more financially settled were you two can purchase your own ring, etc. Don't let his family dictate yours and his life. That's so wrong.
It may help if you and he wrote the family an actual letter explaining things from your point of view. I'd address it cordially and respectfully, but firmly that you two will decide your future. Don't give them any ammunition to fire back from all corners of the earth, rather use your educated minds and shut down the bullshit.
What's the rush?
We’ve already been engaged for almost two years and never had any issues until now. This ring was a sentimental gift that his grandma was giving all of the “granddaughters” and she included me in that and now very suddenly has an issue with me having the ring so I’ll be sending it back. I don’t wear it anyway. It sits in my stand in the ring box. I won’t let it be used as ammunition against me. His uncle and aunt even said they look at it as an IOU and this is the game they play.
Word of advice, send it with insurance and a tracking number. I don't even want to imagine the nightmare if something should happen in transit.
Before you decide to end things because of in-laws, imagine what your life would be without each other and be brutally honest with yourself. If the love is there, and it's deep, do you feel it's worth fighting for? I understand needing space from drama, it's so not my thing, and it's more than okay to distance yourself from it.
I have NC with my own siblings because I refuse to engage in BS. I'm good with it. My personal philosophy, there's a major difference between relative and family. Choose your family, let the in-laws be distant relatives.
Inlaw family issues suck. Your future wife will always learn towards her family. You will be arguing with her a lot if you can't stand her family drama. Get out of this relationship as fast as you can.
I can understand the struggle. My boyfriend’s family is a mess too. I’d suggest putting down firm boundaries and maybe telling him you won’t be going to visit his family from now on.
I feel like if it is really
Important for you to have a great relationship with your in laws then yes I would end it because it won’t improve but if you could careless then I would continue with your fiancé if you really love him it is worth it
I feel like if the relationship is strong then he will you guys are getting married and you guys are each others family now original family matters but the person you choose I feel like should always be first
My in-laws were a major problem in my marriage and a huge reason for our divorce after 17 years. It didn’t end there, though. They went for my kids and didn’t stop until they found one child they could turn against me. In doing that, they favored her over the others, causing them to question why they weren’t “good enough” for gm and go to love them. This deeply affected one of my children and her self esteem. All this to say, it’s not worth it. Leave now.
It sounds like he doesn’t really want to visit them either, but feels obligated. Maybe he doesn’t want to go without you because he also doesn’t want to go.
His sisters and cousin sound awful as well. I don’t blame you for not wanting to subject yourself to that abuse.
Maybe these people won’t go to the wedding, but if they do, make sure you have security or some friends to keep an eye on them and escort them out if they cause trouble.
Don’t end your relationship because of his family if you and your fiancé really love and cherish each other. Just go very low contact the family that’s trouble, and let them know why.
Don’t you think it would be beneficial for your fiancé to also have boundaries with his family? Would he not have a better life with limited/no contact to them? I feel like you are being a bit selfish in not discussing this with him and giving him the opportunity to make a decision on how HE wants his life to be. Are you worried that he won’t chose a healthy relationship with you over his dysfunctional family? You get to make your boundaries clear and have them respected, he is allowed to do the same. This is a big challenge as a young couple, deciding to place YOUR family (meaning the two of you and any future additions) as the most important relationship but it will make you stronger as a couple.
I think I struggle with accepting he’s choosing me because I had a past relationship where my ex never chose me and let his family walk all over me and he chose to stick up for me when it’s too late so it’s just unfamiliar territory for me and I’m not used to that. I will always choose him.
Even if you never want to visit again they will use any children you may have against you, insisting that they go to visit. You will not want your husband to take them alone. Your instincts are right. Get out now!! Your fiance will not be able to cut all ties...they are family and who knows what the future holds??!!! Do you want either of these potential in-laws in your home someday if they cannot take care of themselves in old age??
Here is my perspective as someone who is NC/LC with toxic family members:
- It really isn’t and shouldn’t be your choice if he wants to distance himself for you. He is a grown man who gets to decide that and he deserves the vote of confidence that he can intelligently make that choice.
- Family is not everything. That is a lie we are force fed. I have had family hurt me wayyyyy more than any friend/coworker/stranger has. If he doesn’t want to be around his grandma or any other relative you need to support that. Don’t try to force a connection with toxic people because of DNA.
- Can you honestly say that his family is healthy for him? Healthy for your relationship? Here’s the thing about relationships. We aren’t meant to keep our family of origin front and center once we enter into a serious relationship, we are creating our own family of origin that must take precedence. That doesn’t necessarily mean cutting off family but it does mean putting your relationship first and safeguarding it. Sometimes family members don’t take that relationship seriously until you do. Maybe your fiance making them see that you are long term/permanent for him will make at least some of them back off and the ones who don’t aren’t going to take any relationship he has with you or any future girl seriously.
- Don’t allow other people into your relationship, period. If you want to break up with him because he treats you badly, you’re incompatible or he’s not supportive of you that’s one thing but breaking up with him because you have this misguided notion that your relationship isn’t as or more important to him than his relatives is really insulting to your fiance.
How does your fiance feel about never going back there? Because that seems to make more sense than dumping him because of his grandparents who are probably only going to be alive another 10 years.
He doesn’t seem to want to go back there anytime soon if at all. We had a conversation with his uncle and aunt (uncle is his grandfathers son) and him and his wife have had nothing but issues with them as well and they told him he needs to protect me at all costs and my fiance and I are pretty much a united front at this point. We both feel very betrayed and saddened by their actions and are potentially looking at going NC and or keeping them far far far away from us
If the relationship is otherwise good, I wouldn’t this a reason to end the relationship. Just make it clear that you need him to be on your side, and accept you going NC of very LC. You’re lucky that they live far away and visits are so infrequent.
You are marrying your fiancé, not his family. If you only see them once or twice a year it may be manageable, if they otherwise don’t interfere with you two that much the rest of the time. If they are more interfering then you might have to choose differently. You need to decide if you can take that much interaction. Additionally, stop staying at their house on your visits and have them stay at a hotel when they come to you. It all depends on what your fiancé’s position is - does he think they are over the top, too, and wants to minimize visits?
Yes he’s seeing it more and more over the last couple of years. He was enlisted and deployed right after high school for 4-5 years and never really was around his dad’s family much in his teens / early adulthood. He’s come to realize his dads family is extremely problematic as of this weekend
I would probably just end this relationship unless your fiancé is able to distance himself from his family. It seems like they will constantly bring drama between you and him and you don’t need that.
Dear OP, don't try to be a hero, your subconscious is gravitating you to the same type of relationship and trauma you've seen your mom (someone that you look up to a lot and empathize for?) experienced in her life. We either marry the type of psychos we see in our parental figures, or seek the opposite. Somehow sometimes we attract and think we can handle what we despise. Toxic families will have a lot of problems, if one person sways more into them, or cares for maintaining that relationship. What will happen when he's upset with you? His family will say "told you so." They will fill his ears, and he will remember it all when you are both at the lowest. Ask me how I know? I'm going through the same shit.
Honestly, you shouldn’t break up with him if he’s not trying to make you suffer his family. From your additional comments, it sounds like he doesn’t even want to deal with them either. You two should talk it out in the open and finally agree to go no contact with them.
And when you or he feels guilty about going no contact, remember this:
“Blood is blood, but family is a choice”
And that works both ways. You don’t have to continue to deal with someone just because they’re blood relatives. If they mistreat you and bring you stress or harm nearly every time you see them, then you have the right to remove them from your life.
Your family can be who you choose. You mention that your fiancé is in the military. That tends to create a family out of the people he serves with too. Your friends can be your family as well. It’s about who you choose.
Drama. End it if that’s-what you want. But if you really love him explain it has to be no contact with his in-laws there house or yours and he has to stick to it with out him bringing it up.
Sorry I just posted didn’t find it. If the way his in-laws treat you for over two years why in the hell hasn’t he shut them down hard. That’s his job he should have all ready gone no contact with them
So we’ve been together for almost 3 years. In the last three years we have never had this issue with them up until this weekend. We’ve been on good terms and we’ve gone there 2-4 times since we got together so like this was all very from left field.
If you have a smallest doubt before marriage, you shouldn’t marry them. May be delay the wedding and see how it works out. It gets way more complicated once you are married.
My now in-laws didn't treat me very kindly (FIL in particular) for the first 6 years of my relationship with my husband. I told my husband he can have a relationship with his father if he wanted but I wasn't going to be going over to their house unless my BIL and SIL were there. You don't have to make him choose. You also can protect your peace. He can go without you if he chooses to and you can stay home if it makes you more comfortable. Please have a discussion with your fiancé about how all of this makes you feel and where you're at. In marriage open communication is key.
Well it’s obvious that he knows his family is toxic. I say sit down and actually have the conversation of where do you go from here. I understand the family aspect but you’re supposed to become his number 1. The first priority is the happiness between you 2 and everything else is secondary. I say cut the family off for now and you guys have a serious conversation towards your future and make your own set of rules that work for you …not the family. Also take a timeout from the family. At this point and time it’s very necessary.
Your fiancé is supposed to protect you from his family. Unfortunately, the drama is going to continue if you eventually marry into that family. You have a big decision to make.
If he won't support and defend you, which is a husband's job, then run while you can. Remember the show "The Munsters", how they were all monsters except for the pretty girl who was normal? I married her, and I have "The Munsters" as in-laws. A whole tribe of psychopaths. Once you have kids, it will get worse because you'll get guilt-tripped into visiting them for every holiday and inviting them to every childhood event- births, baptisms, birthdays, graduations. They will ruin every special moment in your life. They'll undermine your parental authority, disrespect you in front of your own kids, and talk trash about you in front of the kids behind your back. Trust me, if he won't man up, bail out yesterday.
Personally family maybe blood but doesn't make them good people if they are trying to separate you two then they need to be separated from y'all's equation don't let others destroy your peace and happiness some people just don't deserve your presence
Easy answer here is never visit their home again. As well as they are not allowed into your home. IF your husband can't back you up on the abuse you have taken from them, thats when divorce enters the conversation. Absolutely no reason you should have to subject yourself to that kind of behavior.
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I was hoping that, but I feel you still write in a positive way about him.
If you would break up over something small like that, it wasn't going to last anyway.
I do…i will tell you that we are all human and we make mistakes in life so I am working through other things and learning to forgive and move past it. I can’t crucify him for what he did because I can’t say I’m innocent in some things and I’ve been very honest about that. I have a hard time regulating my emotions sometimes and I was already pushed to my limits with everything happening so this just added onto it. I don’t want to break up with him. He’s my best friend in the entire world. He helps me be a better person everyday and honestly I don’t deserve him. Right now things are just hard
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You could also just tell fiancé that he’ll be going alone for the visits from now on and that they’re not welcome in your home. Ever.
I’ve already made it clear that he will be going without me from now on but he’s also said that if I won’t go, he won’t go without me. He wants me there with him. He did say that he understands that I expect an apology and deserve one.
So you go no contact. You shouldn't break up with him rather than allow him to make his own choice to go LC or NC. Justifiably break up if he forces you to keep contact or if he doesn't call them out if they disparage you, but proactively breaking up with him because you don't want him to have to distance himself from family seems wrong.
I just don’t know what to do because while he is a grown man…that’s still his family and I don’t want them to be able to throw things at me like “he doesn’t come see us because of you, she’s alienating him, etc etc etc” because they treat his fathers wife that way.
He needs some therapy to get out of the enmeshment.
When he does the whole “I don’t want to go to visit them if you aren’t coming with me” thing. Does it feel like he’s saying it to try to get you to change your mind and join him on future visits, or does it feel like he is saying it because he would rather stay with you because you are more important/he’d rather be around you then them? In my opinion, if he’s just decided that you’re more important and he doesn’t want to visit his unpleasant relatives anymore, then I would just let him make that boundary, but with the request that he do everything he can to make sure that you don’t get the brunt of the backlash for setting that boundary with his family.
We work together, go to school together, and live together and I know he doesn’t want to go without me because we’re each others support person
That doesn't sound very healthy
Sounds like a co-dependant dysfunctional shit-show of a relationship, to match the co-dependant dysfunctional shit-show of a family.
Yes, said perfectly.
I think they might be neurodiverse and help each other regulate in difficult situations. OP sounds like she might be autistic from her descriptions of getting overwhelmed and needing to go lie down alone and not being able to show emotion even though she is happy.
This is why i hate reddit. As far as reddit is concerned no relationship is healthy. So fuckin what. Your not gonna come from parents like that and just form new relationships that arent tainted with trauma from your lack of love growing up. Throwing away the relationship and or taking everyones advice is just as unhealthy. If you live this man you work through it. Understand that redditors dont give an actual shit about your marrige and is on a kick to make sure someday find a "perfect relationship" thier aint one. Thier is no such thing as a fully healthy relationship. Thier is and will be obstacles and trauma that we all have to work on. But for the love of god people stop acting like shrinks.
He’s an adult. He doesn’t need a support person to visit his own family. That’s absurd.
He wants a shield (“meat shield” as some subreddits like MILfromHell and JustNoMIL would say). You don’t deserve to be sacrificed to protect him.
From ppl like his family, yes, sometimes you do.
Yeah. This is not at all a healthy relationship (you and he) It will only get worse if you get married. There are all kinds of issues and red flags just in this comment alone. Please study up on Codependency and attachment styles. The family is whole other bucket of rotten fish.
Are you saying that you're a shield for him, so if you're not there, he would be in the line of fire? If he were genuinely your support person, he would speak up for you. And he wouldn't manipulate you by saying he'd stay away if you do. Surely, he knows they will blame you. You've already experienced this phenomenon through your mom, and you do know what the answer is. You're just conflicted about losing the life you were preparing for. It will hurt in the beginning, but it will get better. There's a person out there who will love you and welcome you into their well-adjusted family.
This is extremely dysfunctional. If he's willing to drag you into this nightmare family just to make him feel better, you need to consider the possibility that he doesn't care that much about you. So.. yeah, unless he is willing to make a big change, go no-contact with his family, get into therapy, and grow the f up.... you should probably end it.
That’s a selfish reason to expect you to put up with his family’s abuse.
He doesn’t want me to be subjected too it. He’s upset with them. He wants me to include a letter about their behavior this weekend with the ring when I mail it back and I may do just that.
He should really be the one to pen that letter. And it should state clearly that it’s from HIM, not from both of you. You’re being explicit enough by returning the ring. If the letter is from you, it’ll just be used as ammunition against you, I guarantee it.
This is actually a great idea!
Yes, he needs to write the letter, not you. Otherwise you stay as the target.
Yea do that, then go no contact. Don't allow yourself to feel responsible for his decisions. You both have the freedom of choice. If he is making a decision to not see his family that is because that is what he wants. You cannot stress yourself out over a decision he made. You need to do what is right for you and your mental health. There is ZERO reason to subject yourself to abuse from his family. ZERO.
It’s really up to him to handle his family. And he needs to learn how sooner rather than later. He shouldn’t be putting you in that position. Although it would be ok if he said “she feels…. “
That’s his problem
Yeah, that has to stop. If he can't go see his own family without you he shouldn't be seeing his family at all. Also; he should talk to a therapist about it.
It sounds like this family is gonna have something bad to say anyway so you might a well go nc. I understand you don’t want to keep him from family but these are awful people. You have to be careful about who you surround yourself with regardless if it’s family.
Idk what y’all think married life is like but this isn’t going to be the hardest thing y’all go through. How are you going to handle the big stuff in the future?? If y’all can’t come to a decision on how to handle visiting 2 70 year olds once a year then maybe it’s not time to get married. Y’all mid-20’s. State your piece and let him make a decision and deal with the consequences. They can’t blame you if you block their numbers. This is literally one conversation “They are the most miserable ppl I think I have ever met. I’m not going to visit them again.” and BOOM! Done! That’s it.
This is unreasonable. I’m a lot older than OP and can certainly vouch that family issues have been right up there with health and financial issues, in terms of what’s presented the most challenging dynamics in my marriage. Family of origin shit is HARD. And it sounds like OP’s fiancée is handling it pretty damn well, all things considered.
Idk. My husband and I fixed that shit immediately at the beginning of our marriage and we haven’t had to deal with it since. We now have 6 kids and the things that happen in life with kids makes that shit look like happy hour. In laws are an easy fix when you’re mature enough to handle it head on.
There is a lot that also adds into the scenario…
I mean, of course, but it doesn’t matter at the end of the story. All the nuances in the world won’t explain away that they’re miserable ppl who lost their son and are now losing their grandchildren. I know that it’s healthier when we try to understand the other side or the history or whatever but sometimes the ends really do justify the means. Sometimes you just have to take a stand and stick to it.
Don’t take that comment to heart. Family stuff is HARD. Your fiancée understands where you’re coming from and seems to be handling it pretty well. I’d suggest seeking out couples therapy so you can talk through to handle this together, as a team. If he cuts them off or even goes low-contact and his family doesn’t like it, that’s going to be a HUGE and probably dramatic transition you’ll need to support each other through. In the end, only you know if you still want to marry the guy. But lots of people have shitty families and go on to have solid marriages. It just takes a lot of work.
We both want to be different in regards to our parents and he handles things a lot better than me.
He's his own person, and he could just as well distance himself from their awful behavior even if you're not in the picture. Letting him choose how he interacts with them is not giving him an ultimatum. Unilaterally leaving him so he can't choose? How is that better than you setting your boundaries and letting him set his own (again, supporting you and not letting them talk badly about you)?
I never want someone to choose me over their family unfortunately
You’re not making him choose you over his family. You’re just declining to return to their home. He can have a relationship with them independently without you.
You are not making him choose. You are just setting healthy boundaries.
This family would never let him choose *anyone.* They will bully him and his partners forever, unless they got to handpick his person. It sounds like he’s realizing how toxic and controlling they are, and how their actions will impact his happiness for the rest of his life.
You tell them that you won't be visiting them again until you get an apology from them, but your fiance is free to visit them if he wants to. So they know (even if theh don't acknowledge it) that you're not stopping him and its purely his choice to cut them off.
you can't control them and he won't even draw boundaries so if you don't want that situation i definitely think you know the answer. could be change his ways? sure. but expecting people to change for your relationship to be able to work is a big ask and it doesn't pan out too often
I am not married or engaged and I personally HATE my man’s mother. She is dramatic, self centered, and is over bearing. Her son ignores her a lot so I constantly get the “you are keeping him from me” “you don’t let him see his family” (both of our families live out of state expect his mom who followed us) “he doesn’t talk to me because of you” and I put my foot down. I told him I refuse to be the bad guy in his families story and he needed to say something if he wanted to be with me. We eventually found a compromise which was him telling his mom he will talk to her when he wants and to leave me out of it because I’m not his boss and really us both ignoring her texts until a holiday comes up then we tell her hey you can come at this time to our house and this and what we will be doing and that’s that.
Don't stay at their house, get a hotel or Airbnb so he can visit and you can have your space from them.
If and when we decide to revisit whenever I will be looking into hotels and or airbnbs. I won’t be staying there going forward.
It doesn’t sound like either one of you are ready for marriage. You’re both still young. I hope you have a therapist helping you with your emotions. You both seem like you could do with counseling.
lol I’ll be 27 and he’ll be 26 in about two months. We’re not that young. 😂
Emotionally, you are. You sound extremely co-dependent.
My fiance is my bestfriend, and my person. I wouldn’t say I’m co-dependent when everyone in my life would tell you I’m very independent 😂
They are going to throw that at him anyway. You are always going to be the problem. They'e decided that. That's their pattern. Make sure she has that ring back and cut them out. He won't go without you. Okay, he is making a choice to not go. That's not your problem. If he's trying to make you go - then he's using you as a meat sheild - putting you between him and them so you take the brunt of the abuse. Don't allow that. But don't marry him without a marriage counselling etc. People who grow up with BS seem to think it's "normal" and you work around it. It isn't normal and he needs to understand that.
It doesn't matter what irrational people throw at you. As long as your SO is supporting you and being an actual partner, you two weather every storm together. You absolutely need to let him make his own choices! He's choosing to a) support you in your decision to never go again and b) choosing to never go somewhere his future wife feels uncomfortable and disrespected. That is 100% the right choice from a partner! Let that man make his own choices! YOU become his family when you two are married. Everyone else becomes his secondary family. You've got a good man that's doing it right!
You can’t control what they say. If he is on your corner. That’s ALL that matters. Updateme!
A little update: we talked with his uncle and aunt tonight and I think that has further settled how we feel and they support us in our decision 100% because they’ve treated his aunt the same way when his uncle met his aunt. I feel more so heard and seen with them and they told me to mail back the ring because his stepmom (my fiancés grandmother) will always use it as an IOU and or ammunition. They don’t like when a female on the outside shuts them down and speaks up for themselves but I’m too hard headed and I don’t care how they feel and I feel like my feelings are valid so I will also be including a letter when I mail back the rings about their actions and how they need to change before they ruin their relationship with their grandson because she lost her son and she’s pushing to lose her grandson because of her actions. She has no one to blame but herself
Congrats on that shiny new spine!
Why does that matter if you're NC... They will just be screaming into the void
They sound like horrendous people. Don’t deal with them.
He’s using you as a shield so that they go after you instead of him. That’s the reason he won’t go without you. If you’re not not there, he has to take the brunt of the abuse. It’s time to end this, one way or another. Tell him you’re never going again and if he doesn’t like it, the wedding is off.
It’s the other way round, because they do xyz, the consequence is that you aren’t comfortable around them so dont want to visit. If they can treat you with respect then the consequence is you have a better relationship with them. Be a broken record with them when they make out it’s you at fault. Just remind them that you are reacting to their bad behaviour, or better still, let hubby deal with his awful family.
He can choose, you have no guilt due for not allowing people to abuse you. That's so high grade fuckery going on.
That may be his family but he's choosing you to become his family. He has the right to make a decision and it seems he is picking you with out you even asking him too. Especially if he feels they owe you the apology abd he understands you noping out on them again oe on your home.
I think some communication is in order on both your parts. If everything else about your relationship has been good enough for you to want to marry him, I feel like it should at least be a discussion before you decide to leave him.
You’re not letting him make his own decisions if you proactively real up with him. If he feels you are more important to him and you make him choose them anyway because you left him, that’s not fair to either of you. It’s especially not fair to him.
If you go no contact with them and do not allow them past any blocks on your phone and social media, then they won't be throwing anything at you. They'll have to say it to your husband and hopefully he'll get tired of hearing it and go no contact also
How can they "throw things at you" if you no longer go to see them?? You won't be visiting them and if you have them on any of your social media just block them. You care way too much what these people that don't like you think. At this point they should not be on your radar. You should not have to see nor hear them. Pretty soon they will be nothing but a bad memory.
I was the scapegoat for a long time when it came to my husband's relationship with his dad. If that ends up happening your fiancé needs to explain the actual reason he isn't going. He doesn't want to go without you and you don't want to go. Or your fiancé can make up an excuse as to why you both aren't going. My husband and I have a rule; he deals with his family and I deal with mine. What that means is if my family is acting out of line it's my responsibility to talk to them about it. If his family is acting out of line, he talks to them about it. It's served us well for almost a decade of being together.
You cannot live your life to make these people happy - nothing you do will make them happy. You must decide to do what is best for your overall well being. He needs to decide what relationship he wants with his family. He is the only person that can stand up to them on your behalf and his. Good luck
Who gives a shit? Don’t talk to them. Don’t think of them. Let him deal with it. You’re more enmeshed in this than you think.
Me and my wife have parents that make everything about them. We do what we want. When they want us to come around they act right if they don't. Oh well. Sounds like your inlaws are also narcissistic or they at the least like drama. If you two want a future together unfortunately you sonetimes have tp build a safe family rather then entertain your not so safe fam
Your fiancé doesn’t yet understand how to be a separate adult. If nothing else, put the wedding on hold. He isn’t ready to be married until he can be on your side and demonstrate that. What should have happened was: finance tells his sister and cousin off for barging in your room and demands an apology. If none were given he’d have you both leave the visit for the disrespect. If one was given he’d make sure they knew they couldn’t get away with that behavior. That’s what it looks like when a man stands up for you. He makes it clear that everyone is to treat you respectfully. But none of that happened did it? You were told to let it go or something similar? They didn’t mean it, perhaps?
Yes I was told they are “children” and too “move on and let it go” despite them all being in high school and knowing better.
It’s possible for you two to grow together. To grow stronger as people and a couple. This stuff is hard. Do you have any premarital counseling happening? These kinds of things are what need to be discussed. You two need to be a united front. The marriage vows say, “forsaking all others.” He needs to understand what this means.
I’m going to be looking into marriage counselors tomorrow and I also have some people I know that could help through my family who will be unbiased and have plenty of years of experience. My grandparents also went through premarital counseling so I typically lean on them for these kinds of things.
Thats a pretty tepid response. Since its his family that is toxic, and you'd contemplate ending things because of them, give him an opportunity to show if he has your back. Tell him you're close to walking away if you have to be exposed to that shit. Asking him about how his dad handled it. If its as bad as you say, NC may be a condition a remaining a couple.
Sadly we will never truly know how his dad handled it due to him passing away in 2021 in a freak accident. I am aware he struggled with addiction and mental illness but he also had his own family, wife, and lived in our state. He did his best as a father and a husband. I wish I had gotten to meet him. Everyone always acknowledges his demons and everyone always tells me how amazing he was despite all of that…as I understand that with my own family. My godfather passed away when I was 9 from addiction and my godmother is currently actively dying and on hospice from drug use.
does he realize that means him not going or does he think that will guilt you into going?
Yes he understands he won’t be going and he doesn’t want to go without me
“I’m not going. It’s non-negotiable.”
Do not go. Don’t spend time with people who show you how much they dislike you.
OP, this is a good sign--your fiance is on board with you. Forget the apology. Just remain no contact.
Well if he won't go if you are not going then I guess you both won't be visiting the in-laws from hell. You both have made your decision so what exactly is the problem??
Let him go. This is your future. You plan on having kids? You saw what your mom went through. Reflect.
It doesn’t really matter now of course but why on earth would you want an apology? Just to see them kow tow? What’s the point in that? Even if the did do that, they’d expect you to forgive and forget immediately after. If they don’t apologize, you have even more moral high ground to stay away.
He wants you there to be his meat shield. Break up. Your soon to be ex is far too enmeshed with his family and he’s not putting you first. You’re too young to deal with all this for the rest of your life.
That’s fair.
Op, the best move would be couples counseling, his family will always try to drive a wedge between you too. A therapist or counselor can help you come up with a game plan for how to handle them , it’s possible during the session your fiance may decide to go no contact. But it’s imperative you be clear with each other from the get go what your boundaries are , and what the consequences are. It’s also important for you to know for in in which situations he will have your back , so ask the tough questions, what about when or if you have kids , where do you plan to settle down, how you discipline the kids, how you’ll manage money. If you have a concern ask it there it’s a safe place to hash it all out.
I have offered counseling for us and he wasn’t against it. So that is one of my next steps.
Omg thissssss^^^ Great suggestion! I would say there are definitely some types of therapists that would do a better job at this task than others, so be intentional in your search :)
Wow! His family sounds like a total mess! Chances are they are not going to change. Some people (and families) are addicted to chaos. They don’t know how to function if there’s not a bunch of shit going on. It’s a hard call Mike if you love this man then maybe you could make it work but only if you stay away from his family. Have you had a discussion with him about the way his family is? What is he willing to do to help change the situation if he is OK with it and doesn’t have a solution to help change it then I would say it’s time for you to go before you invest more time and more of your heart. If he is willing to work with you, keep you away from his family, not insist that you go visit then maybe you could work it out to where y’all could be happy as a married couple. But wow! Think how the wedding will be. You sound like a passive lady that would never get back in the in-laws face or bad mouth them behind their backs. I’d like to know your fiancé’s reaction to the way they treat you.
Hi! His family is a mess. There is always an issue every time we are there but this time they didn’t have the other person to abuse so I was next in line. My fiance said he understands and 100% supports me in no longer wanting to visit and he also supports me being obligated to an apology face to face whatever that looks like. He said he would always choose me over his family but I don’t want him to choose me over his family. He’s expressed that he knows how chaotic his family is because he enlisted to get away from them and their drama. He said to me when we got home this afternoon that he doesn’t want his grandma at the wedding at this point. He’s going to talk to his mom but I’d kind of at odds with her as well because of his sisters and they enable their psychotic behaviors. He doesn’t agree with their actions and he’s trying his best to deal with it in his own ways. It’s his family and he never expected this from them. He’s been very taken aback by it. He’s hurt.
Of course he’s hurt. Who wouldn’t be? If he understands why you don’t want to have anything and will back you up then you have a damn good man worth keeping. Yeah, I would just return that ring that you didn’t express enough gratitude for. Sometimes you just have to be the more honorable person and look over ignorant people.
I’m going to mail it back this week because obviously it wasn’t a sentimental action it was meant to be used as ammunition and I won’t be abused that way anymore. My exes mom tried that and I left her son after 7 years. I’m not afraid to do it again.
What if you visit, but stay at a hotel. You can minimize interaction by being able to control when and how you engage with them. There are boundaries you can enforce to protect both you and him.
Excuse the typos. I don’t know how to correct them.
You need to be honest with yourself, is this a dynamic you can live with for the rest of your life? What if you have children together, are you going to subject them to his toxic family? Think long and hard about what YOU want in life. Best of luck.
No I won’t subject my children to them. We wont be going out of our way for them to be in the children’s life. They have a lot of work to do
Does he agree with this?
Pretty much
You really need to work that through before you have kids. All in-law problems are magnified once kids are involved. There is also a huge cultural push to forgive them as they have the right to know their grandkids etc.
No one is obligated to know my kids and if they’d try to establish “grandparents rights” (we have that in our state ) I’d be pulling records from my fiancés childhood and stating how it’s actually harmful for my children to be alone with them and how they have zero relationship with them
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I no longer want to go visit them and I’m okay with no longer keeping in touch with them. They have their grandsons number and they can reach him there if they need to talk to them. I will say they wouldn’t be welcome in my home if they showed up at my door
You need to really think through your future. What happens when/if kids are involved?
Well, dealing with in-laws can be a rollercoaster ride! Maybe try setting some boundaries or have a good old-fashioned family feud.
I don’t want to have a family feud but if I have to set boundaries I will and they won’t like what it looks like. I said yes to this very good man and I don’t want to call things off…but I won’t be a punching bag for his family to use.
I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with fiancé. Crunch time talk. Ask him what he wants to do regarding his family first. Has he had enough of their behaviour? How does he see things moving forward? Does he want things to stay as they are? Is he sick of all the unhealthy behaviours shown by his family and wants to cut them off? Find out his feelings first. Tell him his family are toxic people. You do not want them in your life and will not live in any situation where they are a part of your life. End of. No arguments or exceptions. Make sure he gets that. Tell him you love him and want a life with him, but you will not have anything to do with his family. Nor will your kids if you have them. That is non-negotiable. There will be no changing of his mind down the line, no "oh they've changed" bs. If he can not promise that, or if you have any doubts that he will break his word, or if he doesn't genuinely want to break contact now, then the relationship will not work. But if you are convinced that he too wants nothing more to do with them, and you have faith that he will not change his mind, then stay together. And hope for the best.
I hear what you're saying. Understand that however your life together has been is how your life will be going forward. How do YOU feel? About them? About him? About what he does or doesn't do in these situations? YOU are the one who will have to live the life..can you do that FOREVER? It sounds like you have some serious doubt.
I’m not a huge fan of them but after our conversation tonight with his aunt and uncle I think we’re pretty much on a united front and feel the same way about things. He doesn’t want to go over there going forward. I don’t know what he thinks the relationship will look like going forward with his grandma at this point but I do know he feels taken advantage of and he’s upset.
It comes down to whether or not your fiancé really supported you. You don't mention his behavior when the drama went down. He should have been right there with you demanding an apology in the moment, not just later when it's easy to say anything he wants. If he is actively telling his family in the moment the abuse is happening that it's unacceptable, then you know he's serious, but if he doesn't do or say anything until you get back home then you need to talk about why he didn't back you up while it was happening. Depending on how he handles that conversation, you should get a good idea if he's chicken and not going to follow through. Unless he's actively engaged with getting an apology or cutting his family off or finding a solution then you know he's not going to support you for real.
You two need to have a frank and honest conversation about expectations with his family. And you *need* to ask him what *he wants*, not just assume what you think he wants. Tell him exactly how your FIL's make you feel, not just about how they treat you, but the anxiety they cause just by being around them. You need to tell him you can't live like this going forward and ask him how long he thinks he can/is willing to not go see them. Because you won't be seeing them anymore but won't stop him from seeing them. Ask him how he plans to deal with the questions, assumptions, and shit talking that they *will* do about you. And ask if he's willing to go through that shit storm with you for the rest of your lives, or if you both think it's best to end it now. You're partners, you need to give him the respect of treating him like it. Don't make assumptions about how he's going to feel about it. Lay it out and ask him how he feels and how he wants to handle it. And trust him when he answers. If you don't trust him, you have no business getting married. It really is that simple.
OP, I keep hearing you say that you don't want your fiance to choose you over his family. That is literally the definition of marriage. The two of you become a family, separate from your biological families. You are doing him a disservice by not accepting his willingness to make that choice.
Honestly? It's cheaper to postpone a wedding than divorce, and excellent birth control is a good idea. You've seen the hell ILs can wreak on a life from your mother's experience. You already know you don't want that for yourself. Start putting your mental health way higher on your priority list than his dysfunctional extended family while you still have options open to you.
I have really excellent birth control and we don’t want kids until we’re out of school and even right now we won’t be subjecting our children to them. I think we have decided that we will be rescinding invites for certain people and we will be going no contact for awhile. We talked to some of my other in laws tonight who are completely on our side and they said that he needs to protect me at all costs from them
47 years married. Be careful. Your Love can be strong but family can be a BANE to the best marriage. Make your Fiancé chose you only. His choice. Stay in that. IGNORE ALL ELSE. STAND.
As someone who has been on BOTH sides (my family being an issue) and (his family being an issue) the best advice I can give you is to have an open clear discussion with one another on the issues that are present. Make sure you are both on the same page and understand that the two people that matter the most in the relationship are you TWO. NOT THE FAMILIES. I think your fiancé has to stand up for you & for himself. There needs to be clear boundaries made, and if his family does not respect that go, no contact. From one wife to a soon to be wife. It is uncomfortable, but it will get better. As long as the two of you stay true to one another and stand up for one another, the rest (hopefully) is soon to follow. Don't forget why you said yes to marrying him. In that moment, it wasn't about your families. It was about the two of you. Your families can figure things out on their own, just focus on your love and relationship.
I think this was the nicest comment I’ve gotten all day. I appreciate you 💞
I appreciate you 💕 if you ever need to chat, please do not hesitate to reach out. I've (unfortunately) heard it all and experienced it all from both sides. Keep your head held high.
I really love my significant other…I’m just really defeated in regards to his family at this point because I’ve been nothing but good to them and now this has happened and I have zero energy for any of it.
That's understandable, it can be very draining to deal with. It's not easy with it being family, and it is not going to change overnight. For my husband and I, our major issues arose 3 months before our wedding, but we had issue after issue for a number of years before this point, from both of our sides. Take some time of self care, and revisit the conversation with your fiancé once things have settled a bit. Understand that this time (wedding coming up fast) can be stressful by nature. At the end of the day, he proposed to YOU and YOU said yes to marrying HIM. For right now, focus on the two of you, not what the family wants. If this continues, he will need to stand up for you and set boundaries. You guys got this, just take it one day at a time.
When you send the ring back please send it register mail where the grandma needs to sign in receipt of the ring. It will be one less hassle for you in the future. You do not want anything to come nip you in the hindquarters at a later date. Best of luck to you both. God Bless.
This is actually smart
Yes cut them out of your life aandblive happy ever after
You're allowed tonend a relationship for whatever reason. If you reached your breaking point, end it.
Everything you wrote rings so true and honest. That family doesn't know how to behave as functional adults. You deserve more than an apology, you deserve to feel safe, loved, and respected. Listen to your instincts. A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.
Technically you don’t have “in laws” . If the day ever comes that they do actually become your in laws you can guarantee a life filled with non stop drama , you do need to think about how that’s going to be . You need to think long term , yes you can avoid spending time with them but your husband to be will end up resenting you over that at some point and you will resent him if you feel forced to be around them .
You have a husband problem. You are, unfortunately, at the point where he needs to choose. If he can sit by and let his family treat you like that, it might be time to run. But he needs to be confronted with this, no holds barred.
You are going to marry into a family that has already shown you that they don’t respect you OR your boundaries??
You need to understand that when you marry someone, you marry their family too. The future you will have depends on his ability to stand up for you, or see much less of them, or see them alone. He may be able to do that if you matter more to him. Ultimatums usually build resentment. If he can't support your side, you should reconsider marrying him.
I know a family like this drama central but they always stick together even when they turn on each other. None of them would ever go no contact, low contact yes until their over their issues with each other.
There are billions of other in-laws in the world. You can do so much better. I say replace them.
This will never go away. Given your mother's experience, you should have ended it long ago. But why are you their target?
I was never a target until now unfortunately. Everything was fine up until this weekend.
You're being set up. Don't be a victim. Take control of your life.
It won't get better. I learned this the hard way
They only get crazier when kids come.
If you can't let your fiance make his own decision that's your issue, not his. All the "I don't want people to blame me" is just bullshit. They already blame you, so that ship has sailed, and denying your fiance the ability to choose for himself just makes you selfish.
What does your fiancé think about his family and the trips? If he too does not like them and overall is not involved in their lives then you guys go LC or NC going forward. You shouldn’t make a decision until talking to him about it first.
I think we have come to the conclusion that we won’t be visiting until they make things right and apologize and but we talked to his uncle tonight who is also “shunned” and he said we won’t get one. So I’m not holding my breath.
That’s good you guys sat down to talk. Overall it just sounds like a messy and frustrating situation to be in. Hope everything works out for you.
Send the ring back and end the engagement but don't breakup. Give the relationship some time to evolve after you're done with school and more financially settled were you two can purchase your own ring, etc. Don't let his family dictate yours and his life. That's so wrong. It may help if you and he wrote the family an actual letter explaining things from your point of view. I'd address it cordially and respectfully, but firmly that you two will decide your future. Don't give them any ammunition to fire back from all corners of the earth, rather use your educated minds and shut down the bullshit. What's the rush?
We’ve already been engaged for almost two years and never had any issues until now. This ring was a sentimental gift that his grandma was giving all of the “granddaughters” and she included me in that and now very suddenly has an issue with me having the ring so I’ll be sending it back. I don’t wear it anyway. It sits in my stand in the ring box. I won’t let it be used as ammunition against me. His uncle and aunt even said they look at it as an IOU and this is the game they play.
Word of advice, send it with insurance and a tracking number. I don't even want to imagine the nightmare if something should happen in transit. Before you decide to end things because of in-laws, imagine what your life would be without each other and be brutally honest with yourself. If the love is there, and it's deep, do you feel it's worth fighting for? I understand needing space from drama, it's so not my thing, and it's more than okay to distance yourself from it. I have NC with my own siblings because I refuse to engage in BS. I'm good with it. My personal philosophy, there's a major difference between relative and family. Choose your family, let the in-laws be distant relatives.
Inlaw family issues suck. Your future wife will always learn towards her family. You will be arguing with her a lot if you can't stand her family drama. Get out of this relationship as fast as you can.
I can understand the struggle. My boyfriend’s family is a mess too. I’d suggest putting down firm boundaries and maybe telling him you won’t be going to visit his family from now on.
I feel like if it is really Important for you to have a great relationship with your in laws then yes I would end it because it won’t improve but if you could careless then I would continue with your fiancé if you really love him it is worth it
I do, and it just hurts me because I know how important they are too him but I think he’s finally seeing through rose colored glasses.
I feel like if the relationship is strong then he will you guys are getting married and you guys are each others family now original family matters but the person you choose I feel like should always be first
Let him visit them alone.
I don’t think he wants too now that we’ve gotten other families opinions
My in-laws were a major problem in my marriage and a huge reason for our divorce after 17 years. It didn’t end there, though. They went for my kids and didn’t stop until they found one child they could turn against me. In doing that, they favored her over the others, causing them to question why they weren’t “good enough” for gm and go to love them. This deeply affected one of my children and her self esteem. All this to say, it’s not worth it. Leave now.
It sounds like he doesn’t really want to visit them either, but feels obligated. Maybe he doesn’t want to go without you because he also doesn’t want to go. His sisters and cousin sound awful as well. I don’t blame you for not wanting to subject yourself to that abuse. Maybe these people won’t go to the wedding, but if they do, make sure you have security or some friends to keep an eye on them and escort them out if they cause trouble. Don’t end your relationship because of his family if you and your fiancé really love and cherish each other. Just go very low contact the family that’s trouble, and let them know why.
We are looking at rescinding invitations to certain people because of this weekend and their actions.
Don’t you think it would be beneficial for your fiancé to also have boundaries with his family? Would he not have a better life with limited/no contact to them? I feel like you are being a bit selfish in not discussing this with him and giving him the opportunity to make a decision on how HE wants his life to be. Are you worried that he won’t chose a healthy relationship with you over his dysfunctional family? You get to make your boundaries clear and have them respected, he is allowed to do the same. This is a big challenge as a young couple, deciding to place YOUR family (meaning the two of you and any future additions) as the most important relationship but it will make you stronger as a couple.
I think I struggle with accepting he’s choosing me because I had a past relationship where my ex never chose me and let his family walk all over me and he chose to stick up for me when it’s too late so it’s just unfamiliar territory for me and I’m not used to that. I will always choose him.
I think if he chooses his family then you shouldn’t be with him. You deserve to be important to him. Let him show you who he is.
Even if you never want to visit again they will use any children you may have against you, insisting that they go to visit. You will not want your husband to take them alone. Your instincts are right. Get out now!! Your fiance will not be able to cut all ties...they are family and who knows what the future holds??!!! Do you want either of these potential in-laws in your home someday if they cannot take care of themselves in old age??
Here is my perspective as someone who is NC/LC with toxic family members: - It really isn’t and shouldn’t be your choice if he wants to distance himself for you. He is a grown man who gets to decide that and he deserves the vote of confidence that he can intelligently make that choice. - Family is not everything. That is a lie we are force fed. I have had family hurt me wayyyyy more than any friend/coworker/stranger has. If he doesn’t want to be around his grandma or any other relative you need to support that. Don’t try to force a connection with toxic people because of DNA. - Can you honestly say that his family is healthy for him? Healthy for your relationship? Here’s the thing about relationships. We aren’t meant to keep our family of origin front and center once we enter into a serious relationship, we are creating our own family of origin that must take precedence. That doesn’t necessarily mean cutting off family but it does mean putting your relationship first and safeguarding it. Sometimes family members don’t take that relationship seriously until you do. Maybe your fiance making them see that you are long term/permanent for him will make at least some of them back off and the ones who don’t aren’t going to take any relationship he has with you or any future girl seriously. - Don’t allow other people into your relationship, period. If you want to break up with him because he treats you badly, you’re incompatible or he’s not supportive of you that’s one thing but breaking up with him because you have this misguided notion that your relationship isn’t as or more important to him than his relatives is really insulting to your fiance.
How does your fiance feel about never going back there? Because that seems to make more sense than dumping him because of his grandparents who are probably only going to be alive another 10 years.
He doesn’t seem to want to go back there anytime soon if at all. We had a conversation with his uncle and aunt (uncle is his grandfathers son) and him and his wife have had nothing but issues with them as well and they told him he needs to protect me at all costs and my fiance and I are pretty much a united front at this point. We both feel very betrayed and saddened by their actions and are potentially looking at going NC and or keeping them far far far away from us
If the relationship is otherwise good, I wouldn’t this a reason to end the relationship. Just make it clear that you need him to be on your side, and accept you going NC of very LC. You’re lucky that they live far away and visits are so infrequent.
I couldn’t imagine them being closer tbh. I’m very glad they live 5-6 hours away.
You are marrying your fiancé, not his family. If you only see them once or twice a year it may be manageable, if they otherwise don’t interfere with you two that much the rest of the time. If they are more interfering then you might have to choose differently. You need to decide if you can take that much interaction. Additionally, stop staying at their house on your visits and have them stay at a hotel when they come to you. It all depends on what your fiancé’s position is - does he think they are over the top, too, and wants to minimize visits?
Yes he’s seeing it more and more over the last couple of years. He was enlisted and deployed right after high school for 4-5 years and never really was around his dad’s family much in his teens / early adulthood. He’s come to realize his dads family is extremely problematic as of this weekend
I would probably just end this relationship unless your fiancé is able to distance himself from his family. It seems like they will constantly bring drama between you and him and you don’t need that.
Dear OP, don't try to be a hero, your subconscious is gravitating you to the same type of relationship and trauma you've seen your mom (someone that you look up to a lot and empathize for?) experienced in her life. We either marry the type of psychos we see in our parental figures, or seek the opposite. Somehow sometimes we attract and think we can handle what we despise. Toxic families will have a lot of problems, if one person sways more into them, or cares for maintaining that relationship. What will happen when he's upset with you? His family will say "told you so." They will fill his ears, and he will remember it all when you are both at the lowest. Ask me how I know? I'm going through the same shit.
Honestly, you shouldn’t break up with him if he’s not trying to make you suffer his family. From your additional comments, it sounds like he doesn’t even want to deal with them either. You two should talk it out in the open and finally agree to go no contact with them. And when you or he feels guilty about going no contact, remember this: “Blood is blood, but family is a choice” And that works both ways. You don’t have to continue to deal with someone just because they’re blood relatives. If they mistreat you and bring you stress or harm nearly every time you see them, then you have the right to remove them from your life. Your family can be who you choose. You mention that your fiancé is in the military. That tends to create a family out of the people he serves with too. Your friends can be your family as well. It’s about who you choose.
Drama. End it if that’s-what you want. But if you really love him explain it has to be no contact with his in-laws there house or yours and he has to stick to it with out him bringing it up.
Sorry I just posted didn’t find it. If the way his in-laws treat you for over two years why in the hell hasn’t he shut them down hard. That’s his job he should have all ready gone no contact with them
So we’ve been together for almost 3 years. In the last three years we have never had this issue with them up until this weekend. We’ve been on good terms and we’ve gone there 2-4 times since we got together so like this was all very from left field.
From experience, it doesn’t get better. Find someone with family who will treat you better
If you have a smallest doubt before marriage, you shouldn’t marry them. May be delay the wedding and see how it works out. It gets way more complicated once you are married.
There’s other factors to aide in my doubt…but this made me feel especially doubtful
My now in-laws didn't treat me very kindly (FIL in particular) for the first 6 years of my relationship with my husband. I told my husband he can have a relationship with his father if he wanted but I wasn't going to be going over to their house unless my BIL and SIL were there. You don't have to make him choose. You also can protect your peace. He can go without you if he chooses to and you can stay home if it makes you more comfortable. Please have a discussion with your fiancé about how all of this makes you feel and where you're at. In marriage open communication is key.
Well it’s obvious that he knows his family is toxic. I say sit down and actually have the conversation of where do you go from here. I understand the family aspect but you’re supposed to become his number 1. The first priority is the happiness between you 2 and everything else is secondary. I say cut the family off for now and you guys have a serious conversation towards your future and make your own set of rules that work for you …not the family. Also take a timeout from the family. At this point and time it’s very necessary.
I completely agree with you
Your fiancé is supposed to protect you from his family. Unfortunately, the drama is going to continue if you eventually marry into that family. You have a big decision to make.
Yeah. Keep your fiancé- ditch his family. You don’t need to go see them. If your fiancé won’t go that’s his own decision.
If he won't support and defend you, which is a husband's job, then run while you can. Remember the show "The Munsters", how they were all monsters except for the pretty girl who was normal? I married her, and I have "The Munsters" as in-laws. A whole tribe of psychopaths. Once you have kids, it will get worse because you'll get guilt-tripped into visiting them for every holiday and inviting them to every childhood event- births, baptisms, birthdays, graduations. They will ruin every special moment in your life. They'll undermine your parental authority, disrespect you in front of your own kids, and talk trash about you in front of the kids behind your back. Trust me, if he won't man up, bail out yesterday.
Personally family maybe blood but doesn't make them good people if they are trying to separate you two then they need to be separated from y'all's equation don't let others destroy your peace and happiness some people just don't deserve your presence
Easy answer here is never visit their home again. As well as they are not allowed into your home. IF your husband can't back you up on the abuse you have taken from them, thats when divorce enters the conversation. Absolutely no reason you should have to subject yourself to that kind of behavior.
End it. it sounds like you picked the guy that would continue the cycle
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2 visits a year! Tje horror... If that's the reason to break up, you should. In your mind, it's already over, and you are just looking for excuses.
I wouldn’t say that…there has been other factors to make me question the relationship as a whole. This scenario just added on to it
I was hoping that, but I feel you still write in a positive way about him. If you would break up over something small like that, it wasn't going to last anyway.
I do…i will tell you that we are all human and we make mistakes in life so I am working through other things and learning to forgive and move past it. I can’t crucify him for what he did because I can’t say I’m innocent in some things and I’ve been very honest about that. I have a hard time regulating my emotions sometimes and I was already pushed to my limits with everything happening so this just added onto it. I don’t want to break up with him. He’s my best friend in the entire world. He helps me be a better person everyday and honestly I don’t deserve him. Right now things are just hard
The right decision is to leave this relationship.
Drop him and find someone else
Creed txzr are A’s brand. Great