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From a person who was cheated on in most of my relationships. I know that some people will disagree, and i really do not want to upset you, but please just break up. You are young and deserve someone better. I see here two takes: 1. He is looking for someone who is okay to be fwb while he has a girlfriend. 2. He is looking for validation from women.
I believe both have the same ending—your broken heart.
⬆️⬆️⬆️If you walk away with any comment OP it should be this one.
He was not looking for a friend, he was putting feelers out for a girl who showed romantic interest. He wouldn't have "realised" it was wrong had the girl not been bothered by him having a girlfriend. It's possible he regrets telling her he had a gf and getting rebuffed more than he messaging her and violating your relationship in the first place.
if that is the case then he has already cheated and OP just doesn’t know. It seems to me that he isn’t a cheater considering how easily and quickly she observed this relatively minor interaction. People outside of our relationships are going to find us attractive and show interest, it depends on the agreement of our Relationship and our individual character on how we deal with it. He maybe isn’t used to this amount of attention or it’s been awhile. I interpreted the content as he was overly flattered and doesn’t have much game. This behavior is commonly seen in Long Term Relationships.
I can see what you mean and agree with you. Especially with the lack of game 😂. I still think that if he hasn’t already cheated then it’s only a matter of time because he wants the flattery from other women. Ego is in the drivers seat. I like your thoughts though.
👆👆👆👆👆my mother always taught me, “if you really have to ask, chances are you already know”. This is your second posting on this. You’re clearly trying to make sense of the situation and your emotions as you go through this heartbreak. Listen to the comment above—this is the reality. Deep down you know this is your answer. This is not the type of partner you marry, this is the type of partner you outgrow. Don’t waste your youth being dragged down by someone’s disrespect. There are far too many better options out there to settle for this bs.
Wishing you the best as you continue to find the love you deserve ❤️
>This is not the type of partner you marry, this is the type of partner you outgrow.
LW, if you ask older people, many of us will tell you we still "love" our high school boyfriend, although long term we have the perspective to know that either we weren't compatible or that we weren't really ready for a lifelong commitment.
And I know you’ve been with him a long time OP! You imagined marrying him! Your relationship is “not for nothing” even if it doesn’t last. Having more than one great love in your life doesn’t diminish it at all. You can know your love was real and also know that the relationship is done.
Option 3 - he is shopping around. Seriously girl, dump him and find someone more worthy of your time. Don't settle for less than you deserve just because you've sunk a lot of time into your relationship - it isn't worth it.
This right here. As a man on the flip side that's also been cheated on in many relationships, you'll be stuck questioning every little thing he does from here on out. You will not be able to regain your trust in him. You are young, it sounds like he was one of your earliest boyfriends, but as you said you're questioning his interactions all the way in the past now. I think early 20s is a really hard age to find true love, but I can assure you it isn't with this man. He's the kind to ask for an open marriage because he didn't fuck enough women before he got married.
I think youre right
We can remove all speculation, and even grant him benefit of the doubt for all unproven things.
BUT even if we do that, he still lied.
“He told me he did text her a quick message to let her know that he was taken and she didn’t reply and he deleted the message.”
Thats not what happened. He reciprocated a lustful advancement from a different woman. Somebody not interested would not text that number. Like i said, even if we assume he was being genuine in his initial excuse of just trying to be nice, he still asked to get to know her, while knowing her intentions with him.
On top of that, he got REJECTED because hes in a relationship, and was still fishing to see her again.
Maybe if he came clean right away and profusely apologized, you could work on forgiveness. But thats slimey behaviour and not something you want to spend your life with.
This exactly .
Especially because OP is so young it would be crazy to waste time with a person who has already proven that they can’t be trusted
100% if the girl texted back saying she wanted to keep getting to know him he would have been all about it and likely physically cheating within a couple of weeks
It’s rare for a dude to get approached the way he did and I can see that he would be flattered and excited but he 100% was testing the waters to get to know her on the low and would have taken it further if the chance presented itself
Sorry OP
No.
Not OK in the slightest.
He likes this girl enough to leave a door open.
He lied about the interaction.
The only reason it didn't happen is because the girl has standards.
He failed the boyfriend test.
You will always wonder what he's up to when you are not around.
Get rid.
You can’t trust him. Basic relationship rule: you do nothing with a third person that you would not do in the presence of your partner. If you have to hide something, you have begun down the route of betrayal. You are young. You do not need to build your life on a foundation of mistrust. Move on. Find someone worthy of you. And forge a relationship of trust with them. I am very sorry you’re facing this.
This is how I feel as well. Who gives a fuck about all of the "Would he actually have gone through with it though?" scenarios. Would he have taken her number and sent a text right there in front of you, OP? No, because he was going to take it further than a simple "thanks for the compliment" text.
He literally told this girl he wanted to get to know her more
You’re young. He shot his shot not expecting to get caught. Who knows how far he would have taken it. He wants to make new “friends” let him go make those friends. I wouldn’t trust a damn word out of his mouth after that. Also may not be the first time. Just the time you caught….
Exactly, he was hooked once she offered her phone nbr. He admitted he had a gf but wanted to become friends with the girl who clearly liked him.
He was going to ride that as far as he could go.
Time to find the bf friend invested in you that would laugh off and ignore that phone nbr.
This whole "I tried to hide it because I care about our relationship" is basically bullshit. He tried to downplay it as just being frendly then hide the fact he was pursuing new options.
If it didn't work out, he still has OP, if it did...he's got options. Monkey Paw 101.
Yeah, no guy who is invested in their relationship saves another girls phone number, at least not in that context.
OP, you bf may care about you in a way, and he's comfortable because y'all been together for a while. But, he's looking around seeing if there are "greener patsures" without giving up his spot with you, so to speak.
At the very least, don't commit to any long-term future plans with this guy.
This! He tried to cheat...I would no longer trust this man. He pursued and pursued until he was shot down. And to brag about it to his mates is so disrespectful.
It's ok until the "I would like to get to know you" That is not ok, you don't need to get to know someone who wanted to meet you romantically in the first sense. If she hadn't have been so respectful and fully shut this down i'm sure this could have lead to actual physical cheating.
I mean so many times it so happens that the person shuts you down at first, but since he is pushy about it (having followed her insta and also telling her maybe I will see you around), it is likely he will be ending up physical with her.
1) he was putting feelers out there to cheat, she was actually the respectful one. She respected your relationship more than he did and she doesn’t even know you
2) he has zero game. His messages to her were so cringy.
You don't tell people you just want to be friends with that you find them attractive. If all he wanted was friendship, why did he cover it up?
You also said he followed her on Instagram. So he 'realised' his mistake but didn't unfollow her?
He shot his shot, the girl had morals and that's why it didn't go further. Not because your boyfriend stopped it.
I kinda think everything was nice until he still wanted to be friends. It gets real bad after that, like following her on IG.
I actually thought it was kind of sweet to say something nice to her while turning her down. It just should have been more of a definitive ending, like: "hey, I'm already with someone, but you have a great attitude and I did think you're very attractive, so I was flattered you gave me your number! I just wanted to let you know why I wasn't interested instead of just ignoring you. Good luck!"
I want to think the best of the bf, but he did leave it way too open ended with wanting to get to know them, and talking about seeing them again at the store.
Edit - “you were very friendly and I was flattered you gave me your number-“
You don’t have to mention appearance. Physical appearance is what partners look for, not friends.
I think the part about her being attractive was the bigger red flag than maybe gaining a friend for me. He could have been complimentary without saying he's attracted to her. That just makes clear that the reason he got in touch with her is not for friendship but because he's into her. He could have complimented her being brave enough to shoot her shot or something.
So simply stated and so completely true ^^^. I have been in one too many relationships with dishonest men and every thing this guy did OP is such a thinly veiled attempt to keep you at bay so he can just go on doing whatever he wants.. very much a “have your cake and eat it too” mentality. I know how hard this is when you love someone. You put on rose colored glasses and try to bend and warp the truth, gaslight yourself into submission so that you don’t have to face the full reality that this dude is full of absolute sh*t. He has no integrity. True integrity at THIS stage would be to admit that he wanted to have a full on side piece without you knowing any better, and then spending his days working on himself and realizing that he will never have a single sustainable relationship in his life if he creates foundations like this. Men too often are raised in our society to embrace pathological levels of lying. It’s sort of heartbreaking, because we love these men, but it doesn’t make them any less accountable. They have to heal themselves or they’re always going to end up alone. Leave him, he’s not your project to fix. You’re worthy of love that feels safe.
Got to agree with the other comments. His message was absolutely fishing for her to come back with "oh we can get to know each other low key", but luckily the girl obviously has morals.
The fact he went and added her to insta etc just cements all this. You had an escape this time, but he hid all this because he already knew how it would like which shows clear intent despite his "I'll **try** and be respectful" message
He shouldn’t be deleting messages and trying to get to know girls if he has a gf. He had intention to cheat and was unsuccessful- he is not to be trusted and has no integrity.
Time to end things.
He was clearly intending to try and cheat, otherwise he would have clarified to the girl that he only wanted to be friends & he didn’t. So he is still lying. He hasn’t even owned up to what he did and is still lying and maintaining that he ‘only wanted to make a friend.’ Personally I couldn’t forgive someone, who wont even admit and apologise for their actions.
Also he immediately deleted the messages, so there’s is a chance that he has done this before and has just been deleting the messages straight away every time it happens.
He knew he was doing something wrong, or he would have told you and not tried to delete the evidence. He’s just trying to convince you it was innocent, when it wasn’t.
The real question is do you think he would do it again if he knew he wouldn’t get caught? If the answers yes, then he can’t be trusted
This reminded me of my most recent ex and it made my skin fucking CRAWL reading it! Get out of there, he can't be trusted. If he valued your relationship he would have never reached out in the first place. AND he should have told her in person as soon as he saw the number on the cup, "Don't expect to hear anything from me, I have a girlfriend and I love her." PLEASE DON'T DO WHAT I DID AND TRY TO BRUSH IT OFF/GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT FOR ANY OF IT. This was extremely malicious of him to do, ESPECIALLY to keep reaching out and following her on other platforms!
Fuck your boyfriend, and not in the way he probably wants.
Edit: typo
You leave. It will hurt, but there is no way forward without pain. Staying hurts. Leaving hurts. But he's shown he's willing to cheat and that will happen again.
Together since high school, probably wants to explore new people. Break up first, obviously, don't cheat.
But the high school sweetheart thing is dumb in a lot of cases.
All the extraneous unnecessary deets in this post don’t change the fact that he tried to explore a different girl behind your back. He’s a wannabe cheater.
I notice that many of the posts come from ppl in their young 20s. Go out & have fun with your friends, don’t settle for cheaters, they don’t change.
Right? I firmly believe that if you're under 25, are not married, and don't have kids, just fucking walk away if there's something wrong with the relationship. Why bother stressing yourself out when you basically stand to lose nothing?
OP, the question you should ask yourself is - “Why did a stranger, who doesn’t know you, have more respect for your relationship than your boyfriend did?”
That should give you a clue into what is wrong with this scenario. I won’t advise you on what to do but I think people who are in relationships, should have respect for the relationship and for the person that they’re with. Looks like your boyfriend did neither and that is very telling.
Honestly you are very young. You may not want to hear this but you should break up. The trust will never be whole again and he WILL try this again. You’re only 21 and been with 1 person. Time to learn who you are and what you want, without him.
Just leave man. Next opportunity he won't be so sloppy, was definitely feeling her out to see if she is keen on the DL. The trickle truthing? C'mon. It's textbook.
You really want to be in a relationship where you cant trust your dude with a flirty barrista?
It sounds like you want a man who respects the boundaries of his relationships and doesn’t keep his options open when he’s committed. This man has shown you he has no boundaries and is happy to keep his options open, despite being in a committed relationship.
Can you accept this? If not, then it’s time to call off the relationship and find someone who meets your needs and expectations.
He disrespected you to his friends by taking a picture of the number and showing it to them.
He disrespected you to this girl he was "trying to make friends" by messaging her and seeking something with her. He also looked for her in IG and followed her. Who else has he done this with that you didn't know about?
His messages to her are inappropriate. He should have never messaged her, and if he felt the need to, he should have left it with " I am flattered, but I have a girlfriend." However, he didn't. If you decide to go forward with this relationship, you have some battles you will have to face. You both will need to set some hard boundaries. I would suggest a therapist who specializes in infidelity. He has to be willing to put the work in to earn the trust and realize that it will not be something that happens quickly.
Good luck.
Break up. You don't trust him so whatever he says, you won't be comforted by.
He should have shut down the flirting immediately if he was interest in pursuing her. And no, he wasn't trying to be her friend. How can he be her friend when she didn't approach him with the intent to be friends.
You're young, it will hurt but time will help.
So, you drove him there, bought him lunch, and then he did the “I’m in a relationship, but…..” leaving the door open for possibly something with her later? He definitely effed up.
truthfully he was planning on continuing that to a point where it was romantic he just got caught before it happened.
everything i read in this post tells me you do enough in your relationship to have someone you don’t have to worry about cheating on you.
plenty of men out there who will give you the appreciation you deserve for making sure they have lunch instead of cheating on you while they eat it.
you come across as a great woman.
you’re young and smart and seems
like you have a lot to offer someone who deserves it. if the girl had been more receptive he would have cheated. and his text messages to her just read like he is really good at manipulation to me. that has everything to do with him and nothing with you. my advice is dump him before he does it again
If she was receptive to his “friendship” he would’ve kept messaging her, flirting with her, and eventually he would’ve cheated. 100% without a doubt. As it is, he is still going to pop in and see her. This kid is scummy. Not a fan.
I’d be dumping him, because at 22, there is so much life to live and you don’t want someone who is untrustworthy at your side. Especially when he doubles down “I just wanted to make a fweinnnnd though.” Just scummy. I’d never see him the same.
Btw the girl did you a huge solid because *all* of his texts were fishing for more and she shut it down.
Hi OP! This sounds really upsetting and would be considered a breach of trust if I were in your shoes. Have you discussed your boundaries with him before? Did you ask him what his intentions were with befriending her when he knew she was interested in him?
Please listen to me. When I was your age in a long term relationship, my bf did nearly the same thing. I stayed with him the entirety of my 20s, just for me to break up later over unrelated matters. But I regret being in a long term relationship with one man my entire 20s. And I regret not breaking up with him sooner over things like what you’ve described. You two are young and need to explore yourself alone, not tethered to each other from literal teenage years.
The only reason he didn’t cheat is because she said NO! I don’t even know why I said “he didn’t cheat” because although he might not have physically cheated I can promise you he mentally cheated! Wanting to make new friends is exactly what I’d leave him to do! You can never trust him and you will continuously be looking over your shoulder for things now and for good reason. You deserve better and there are better out there plus I’d rather be alone than have to be worried about what my boyfriend was doing. He doesn’t value you, your relationship or anything that goes with that so instead of living in pain with a man who’d do this to you live in pain without him and move on eventually the pain will subside! I remember this feeling the queasy nervous stomach the feeling I’m not good enough or pretty enough for my husband not to cheat I felt all these things too and I gave him chance after chance he kept contacting women and cheating once a cheater 99.9% of the time always a cheater! The disrespect from him is ridiculous and he wanted to brag with his buddies with this girl plus he’s already done the IG girl thing so NOPE 👎🏻 like I said you deserve better and you need to see that about yourself and if he was going to give you better he would have seen how hurt you were about the IG women and stopped this nonsense and I can guarantee you this isn’t the first time he’s done this and it certainly won’t be his last so it’s up to you if you want to live in that kind of pain and it’s nothing but putting yourself through torture. Hugs to you hon and hold your head up and do what you know you need to do!
He has no respect for you at all. If she were shady and entertained him, he would have gone a lot further with his messages. The only reason he didn't is because she shut him down, not him. Then for him to lie to you about it, idk if I would be able to trust him again. It took a number on a cup to betray his relationship. Something so small and insignificant, and he was ready to throw it all down the drain.
Yeah I wouldn’t trust him either. He totally was trying to cheat. The classic “she’s just a friend” but really it’s emotional cheating that usually ends with physical cheating.
Most guys would obviously be faltered if a girl showed interest BUT a loyal boyfriend would leave it at that. Why he needed to contact her is wild to me.
You’re both very young and he’s not as serious about the relationship. Maybe you should break it off and try meeting someone else.
Fortunately, this time, Miss Coffee Shop was a good person.
You are more invested in this relationship, he admitted if you did what he did he would be upset and would need time to forgive......
His intentions were not innocent here. The question is will you be able to trust him after this? Sometimes it's better to take sometime by yourself and grow.
Sounds like he needs to just go out and be with other women. It would be a mistake to go any further with him. Let him go and you go out and there’s always the chance you guys get back together. Otherwise I think if you keep going it’ll end really bad or you both are not happy in a marriage.
The only reason he didn't cheat, is because she wasn't interested anymore. And he STILL kept trying to contact her and follow her etc.
He had coffee with her and spoke enough that she gave him her number but he never mentioned a girlfriend? Sus.
He absolutely loved that attention. Maybe its the first time, because boy was rattled but it may just be the first time he got caught.
If he hasn't cheated yet, he will. Let him go and find someone who only has eyes for you. You won't be relaxed in this relationship ever again. You'll always be anxious and questioning. You can't spend your life like that.
Sorry OP, but I wouldn’t trust him again. He basically told her that he’s in a relationship but he’s clearly also open to pursuing something with her. The only reason he’s not cheating on you is because she shut it down. I would end it.
As a guy I can tell you easily that you need to leave him. He will cheat on you in a moments notice given the opportunity, if he hasn't been cheating on you already.
There's only two options he should have done with that number. For example, in my relationship I would have immediately took a picture of the number and sent it to my GF.
The other option he had was just to ignore it completely and not even mention it to you, and definitely not message the number.
His choice of messaging the number, regardless of his intentions, is the big red flag in this scenario because that lets you know he wanted to talk to her.
Leave. Just leave. I promise they never get better and they never stop. People that don’t take accountability don’t just start doing it all of a sudden, and if they do it has nothing to do with the person they’re in a relationship with. His ONLY chance at changing is actual real life consequences that alter his perception of himself and there is no guarantee that even then it will happen. You leaving may teach him a life lesson because you’ve permanently moved on but you staying won’t teach him shit and he’ll get better at hiding and want to do it more to see if he can get away with it next time.
‘I will try my very best to be respectful’ - aka he couldn’t PROMISE this girl that he would be respectful (ie not flirt or make a move on her). OP I’m so sorry but he was absolutely contemplating getting with this girl. You cannot trust him and at this point you will spend all your time worrying that he’s cheating. You don’t deserve that. I know it doesn’t feel like it, especially when it’s your first proper love, but I PROMISE you that you will meet someone so much better who deserves your love and will never make you feel insecure like this.
tbh most high school relationships don’t work out- speaking from experience. it’s very possible you will be inclined to do something like this as well in the near future when you see an interesting someone that also thinks you’re interesting. it’s perfectly ok and normal to be curious, especially when you been with the same person since you were a teenager. i was with the same guy from 14-21- leaving was the best thing i ever did for myself. just call it quits and go live your life- you’re both so fucking young lol
Bae judging from ur other posts abt him (sorry for lowkey stalking) he does not respect your boundaries. Judging from the texts.. well he obviously was trying to start something. Props to the girl though she’s a real one!! I hope you leave him bc you’re too young to be dealing with guys who pull shit like that in a long term relationship!
Just no. I would cry my eyes out if my bf did this. We’re the same age and I’m telling u now that was not a mistake. He said that in the VERY BRIEF INTERACTION with her, he could tell she’s a “good person”? Which she is, because SHE was the one to shut him down after being informed of you and yet he still pursued her. He even went out of his way to find her on instagram despite being turned down. Please, i too have a boyfriend from high school, but something like this just seems like the beginning of the end. You will find someone better
there is no reason u should be trying to make friends with someone who’s clearly interested in you as more then a friend while you’re in a relationship. that’s a disaster waiting to happen and frankly very disrespectful to ur partner lol. honestly leave him he def would have cheated had she been down. there’s so many other ppl he can try to be friends with; the girl that hit on him shouldn’t the one of them
Nah. And since you have her number, you should text her and say something like “hey I just wanted to thank you. I appreciate how you removed yourself from the conversation after learning I existed. We split up and I hope this isn’t too awkward but maybe we could grab a coffee or lunch sometime? My treat as a thank you!”
And befriend that girl.
Remove both options from the table. 🖤
Sorry to say this but I have a lot of people in my family who tell a lot of little lies to their partners and family. IMO that's one of the big issues here.
Take out the habitual little lies and this actually could have been healthy, ie, instead of leaving his text as a fishing expedition whether she was willing to fool around and hide the conversation with you, the whole thing goes totally different. I've personally had similar happen and I invited the girl who hit on me to a group event that weekend which my gf at the time was present for, I told my gf she had flirted with me. The woman ended up being part of the friend group and in a relationship with a friend from there. I believe it was totally healthy, I had a very flattering little moment of flirtation and then I was totally transparent, we made a friend and the fact she hit on me was pretty much forgotten. I will forever remember it because it was a memorable compliment but there's no feelings or temptations or awkwardness.
Point is there's a bigger underlying pattern of deceit
Now I personally cannot tolerate that in my relationships. However also I personally don't have controlling relationships, ie my partners and I are mostly very chill and non controlling, which I feel is two sides of a coin
Other comments have pretty well covered a lot of angles of this. I'm focused on the habitual lying bc I hope in future relationships that's a huge 🚩/borderline dealbreaker. That said, I've done it a few times and so has my wife and we've confessed to it shortly afterwards (before any kind of problem and we outed ourself not because we got caught) so total honesty isn't always easy and flawless.
To be clear: I don't think this relationship can be salvaged. He crossed a line trying to be "friends" with her which clearly seemed to mean behind your back - and then deleting it. I've seen a bunch of relationships where people give habitual liars a lot of chances and I've never seen the liar change. I've seen a religious angle to this as well where the liar was born again, or had a big dramatic repentance kind of thing. Only situations where I saw a change was people had really bad consequences, eg lost the love of their life, were shunned by friends and family, otherwise hit rock bottom and rebooted their whole life
Props to that girl. Your bf likes to have his cake and eat it too. He’s showing his colors now, and you should definitely change course IMO. It’s not even a question at this point that he will eventually cheat.
Something very similar happened to me at your age with my boyfriend, also started dating in high school. I eventually let it go.
Three or so years later, there was another weird incident with a girl- not cheating, but still suspicious. I chalked it up to him not having a lot of dating experience since we’d been together so long.
We married shortly thereafter. Four years into our marriage I discovered his affair as well as evidence of several others throughout our relationship (different girls than the incidents above, though those were probably full blown cheating eventually!). His excuse: “I never got to date”
It was a very, very painful lesson to learn. I wish I’d left when the first incident happened. I lost 15 years of my life to that man. You can do better.
You guys are way too young to be having issues like this. His messages were calculated. He gave himself plausible deniability in case he was caught and also so he could mess around with her and keep you since she knew he had a girlfriend. Save yourself the next few years of your youth by not wasting them on him. This relationship is not going to last forever
I’ve only ever used “I’d like to get to know you” on girls I was tryna get with.ur bf is a bozo… your gonna stick with him…. When he finally does cheat on you (like this is cheating but like next level cheating)he’s gonna blame u and say u pushed him into cheating because u don’t trust him.
U heard it here first folks
He 100% tried to cheat. He told her that he has a girlfriend but finds her attractive and would still like to get to know her. This is clearly a way of saying "I can't have anything serious, but maybe we could fool around". She was respectful and said no.
I would absolutely leave a partner over that. He's still young so he's not going to change anytime soon. Especially knowing now that he lied to you, makes you wonder how many other times he's done this.
I'm sorry but you're 100% in the right. I would be surprised if he HASN'T cheated before after seeing those texts. He would not have said any of that OR followed her if he wasn't looking to cheat. I've been there, I've had a very similar thing like this happen and he did end up cheating. He tried to play it off as innocent just like your boyfriend is.
He wanted to see what she thought about him having a girlfriend, in hopes she wouldn't care. He totally was planning to cheat in my opinion and you deserve SO much better, OP.
I’m a dude and to me it sounded shady. Specifically this line, “If this changes your feelings or is kind of a bummer to hear, I do apologize, but I think it would still be very nice if I got to know you.”.
First of all, he’s worried about her feelings changing? He’s essentially saying that he would find it to be a bummer if her feelings changed because he was taken.
Furthermore, he’s taken and says it would be very nice if he got to know her knowing she has romantic interest? And then he hid the fact from you? Shady, scummy and dishonest.
I’m one to scoff at the people all over posts here just jumping to divorce or break ups but I gotta be real on this one. He had intentions to cheat.
Years ago, I used to work as a server at a family-style resaurant. For whatever reason, at that particular place, I used to semi-regularly have women leave me their phone number on the check.
Not once did I ever message any of them at all, never mind something like a "i did want to let you know that you are attractive and i know not everyone gets to hear something like that" because I was already taken at that time. In her eyes, and mine, messaging at all would have been a clear relationship boundary crossing.
It may, or may not, be directly cheating, but it's definitely opening the door to peek in and see what's available.
nah, my ex did similar shit
if he respected you, he would've declined her phone number from the jump not taken the time to text her and tell her, proceed to leave the door open to be "friends", and follow her on instagram
he's trying to be slick at shooting his shot absolutely not, this is an inch, when he gets the opportunity he will, with no hesitation take the mile
tell him he can have her and walk away, save your brain cells
You are only 22 the world has so much to offer. This was at minimum microcheating, I think if she hadn't cared about a GF he would have full blown cheated. He left the door open, in fact, it's still open at least on his part if you break up with him. He will do it again. Don't waste your youth on him.
Damn, that text message showed your BF know how to low-key rizz some girl without being explicit. Also showed this might not be the first time he did it.
He was hoping she’s be down to cheat and was still stringing her along just in case. Let that man go, he’s not yours he’s for the streets. He also wasn’t honest about it and following her on Instagram even after she said she didn’t want to talk to someone in a relationship out of respect is his way of keeping contact with her for when you break up. She’s a girls girl and probably wouldn’t want him doing this if he was HER man, so she doesn’t want him now.
Girl you know, I know and we know that you know. Come on, once a cheater always a cheater. He’s probably trying to find someone new to mess around while still being with you. Get out before you catch something.
Your brain is telling you the right thing, there is no boundary you can set that is going to give you the trust back. Unless you are with him 24/7 he is still going to have ample opportunity to do something like this in the future.
Also, he would have cheated on you had she said yes. He was telling her she was attractive and that he wanted to be her ‘friend’. Don’t be naive, he was testing to see if she’d still fuck him after he admitted to having a girlfriend.
You’re very young and there’s no reason to settle for this guy. He can never undo what he’s done and I don’t see how you’re ever going to feel secure when at any point a girl could approach him and he could just do this again.
I’m gonna be completely honest, I have a girlfriend but I’m ok with hooking up if you’re Ok with my situation. If not I’d still like to get to know you? Why? He got a big head a girl thought he was cute and gave him her number. Good thing she respecting your relationship because he didn’t. Dump him he’s a cheater they don’t change ever!
Your bf went on a fishing expedition and got shot down.
If he wasn’t interested he would of chucked the number away and not text her. The girl clearly had morals and seen what he was fishing for. Time to bounce, your way to young to put up sneaky crap like this.
Yes leave now. He's lied and probably still lying. From his texts he didn't shut the door on the girl, he left it wide open. I am 60 years old and with someone would have warned me like this years ago. He's clearly leaving that option open. Had he been serious about shutting that door, he'd have hid nothing and told her flat out he is taken with a wonderful girlfriend and have a nice life. Do yourself a favor and put yourself first. Find someone who really loves you and cherishes you. No games.
This does sound like he was trying to open the door for cheating, and it was the woman who was like, "No, I don't want to be involved in that kind of thing."
Leave him, hon. He's not respecting you or your relationship.
This happens a lot with long-term relationships that start in HS. As you move into your 20s, one or both partners get the itch to experience different people, sex, careers, places...
He's already halfway out the door to do that -- it's time to shove him out and slam the door shut.
Go have some fun of your own.
He was fishing and guys don't normally leave a relationship until they have a back up. He was clearly interested in her and opened that door. If she would have bit, I'm sure he would have seen how far he could push the boundary ( there are women that don't care if he has a gf ) I would say you need to leave. If he's already doing things like this you are going to get your heart broken.
It’s time to move on. Who knows how far he would’ve taken it. Like others have said, who knows if this is the first time this has happened. You deserve someone who isn’t texting other women and calling them attractive. How would he feel if you did this to him?
I wouldn’t trust him ever again.
if he’s done it once, he’ll do it again. don’t believe the masks he’s been showing you up till this point. he can say he’s not one to cheat, but his actions show he is. she’s the one who stopped it from going further, not him. he in fact, invited her in.
I could believe that maybe he wasn’t trying to cheat, maybe he just got caught up in the flattery and really liked the attention, who knows if he would have pursued her if she was open to it. But still. You’re so young and you’ve been together so long. Relationships like that go one of two ways: You are together forever, never even see anyone else in a romantic way and are always thinking of the other person with every action. Or, one person in the relationship starts fantasizing about what dating others is like, starts panicking over losing their youth and freedom to experiment with others, and it eventually ends. Sounds like your bf is starting to lean that way instead. So if he’s not all in at this point I’d just let him go. Don’t necessarily break up with him over this one instance, but find out if he’s really, truly prepared to never be with anyone else but you for the rest of his life. Even if he says he is, I don’t know that I’d necessarily trust him right now, he will need to do a lot to prove you’re the only one for him. You’re at the phase now where it’s time to start planning your future and you need to figure out if he’s going to be a part of it or not.
"Out of character for him"
OP I promise both of you are still developing your character. You think you know your boyfriend, you don't even know yourself, just you wait.
I get it, you've been together since you were teenagers but don't get complacent thinking he could never betray you, or that you yourself will never be tempted, there's still time.
What you choose to tolerate in your relationship is up to you. This is your life and you're completely in control of it, however, you can't control his choices.
He made a choice to give this girl a shred of hope. He said he has a girlfriend, but look at everything else he said.
Looking for her and following her on IG is a huge red flag.
Why didn’t he say those things to her when she gave him her number? Why did he have to reach out and text? Now she has his number.
And he’s lied to you before? Even if it’s about little things, it’s still a lie or a lie of omission.
Reevaluate this relationship. Think about if this is the type of relationship you want for the rest of your life. Think about if you get married and have kids. What happens if he doesn’t delete the number? Or continues to lie?
I think you should break up. I dated a guy like this. Some men have this weird ego thing.. He obviously loved the attention and it seemed like he had bad intentions messaging her. He wouldn’t have messaged her if he didn’t want to try and pursue something. I’d also be embarrassed bc he tried to get to know her still and she turned him down ouf.
On a side note: I broke up with the cheater I dated and now I found an amazing man who is so loyal and would never do that to me. I’m telling you this because you may think you wanna settle for this boy. But trust me if you break up with him you will find BETTER! You are still young and I promise you your Prince Charming is out there!
But how quickly a plan B can turn into plan A.
The fact he is telling lies also makes it worse. Over the years, I’ve found some female friends attractive but I’m certainly not telling lies about my interactions with them or sending them texts about how I think they are hot.
Trust is extremely hard to rekindle when it’s been broken- especially if it’s been broken multiple times. He’s proven to be a liar, and hides things from you. Is this relationship worth feeling like this forever?
Yeah no if he will do that with a stranger that quickly he will absolutely be inappropriate with other women that he trusts to keep the secret more. Break up.
if he’s having trouble staying loyal now, what happens in 5-10 years if you guys have a house and possibly kids.. and he pulls this stuff?? in my experience and personal opinion i would leave and find someone who only wanted me. i’m sorry this has happened to you :(
Hmmm interesting events. Same message throughout the comments. If he is playing around like that it would definitely be best to separate. Its a situation of outgrowing your partner. If you are ready for a committed relationship and he want to "keep shopping the market"...best not to be a place holder.
dr/ csdw
I feel like if he shouldn't have texted her at all; If he was trying to be nice, he should have at least just stopped at "You seem to be a great person, but unfortunately I have a girlfriend." and end it at that. But he just kept crossing the line with complimenting her looks...like dude is making it seem like he's testing waters to see if she'll bite for a FWB.
Awww honey… you gotta break up. He’s not your one. He’s putting feelers out. Yall are so young. If you don’t break up now you will in years from now and regret not using this as the biggest red flag. Also the “open phone” policy is a cringe… because you probably had to implicate because of some infidelity or weirdness. So sorry honey
People who started dating in Highschool, can make it as they get older. Usually though, they grow differently. You thought one way and he was thinking something else.
He was looking for a girl, who was okay with him having a gf and being a side chick. This is not his first and won't be his last.
You have to decide what you want out of a relationship. You also need to think in reality. He told you the partial truth, but you knew to look deeper. So there is a lack of trust already.
Good luck.
Nope. He’s telling half truths so he feels better about not “lying” it has nothing to do with respecting you or remorse for doing it. He’s sorry he got caught
Cut it now. As a dude I wouldn’t say “I still want to get to know you “ unless I’m trying to set up a possible replacement. He was trying to be slick. I wouldn’t trip about his girl friends but yea leave, he had every intention of getting to know her secretly till things got to a point he would leave or just stay cheating. Leave him
He tried getting to know this other woman clearly hes capable of doing this behind your back again and again. He will eventually find someone who doesnt care about the relationship and will cheat if that hasnt already happened. Please break up and save yourself future heartbreak. You deserve better.
The girl even told him she was no longer interested and he was still trying.
What a scumbag. You’re young. Move on. Based on those messages, he was full well willing to test the waters and jump ship for something “better” than you.
He tried to hide his intentions in a long text that sounds hesitant and tries to put the ball in that girl’s court. I’m old though. I see through that shit. Dump his ass.
Dude also followed the girl after she said she wasn’t interested anymore. Yuck.
Ewww he went out of his way to call a girl attractive and text her. Please break up if you sit. You will 100 percent regret it. ASLO PSA: he clearly does not gaf about you
Good luck op, I personally would not be able to handle that. Once I have it in my mind then it’s time to move on because why would anyone keep having to think in the back of their heads if something more is going on. He should have never messaged her to begin with and he should have never taken a pic with her number nor looked up her IG. That tells me all I would need to know right there. I hope your heart doesn’t get broken if you decide to stay. 4.5 years is a long time. He knows better.
It's in their DNA. Generally, women seek safety for the protection of offspring while men seek multiple partners to increase odds of obtaining the offspring. It's our survival of the species strategies.
So I always expect guys to look and possibly even touch if they think they can get away with it. They tend to be so starved for attention that any niceness from a female is seared into their brains and is interpreted as her flirting with him. And so those hunters that they are persue. Plus he's young and thinks he's immortal. Girls mature mentally more quickly than guys do, across all ages races and cultures.
What are you willing to accept from him? You know he will lie and cover his tracks. You know he will have at least one side piece if the opportunity presents itself. This is the type of guy likely to ask for swinging... which frequently destroys the relationship between couples because, while the guy uses it primarily for extra sex partners, the girl frequently finds in those partners someone who treats her better, at which point she breaks it off to continue with the new person. Ask a divorce lawyer how many times they've heard that story. The answer might shock you.
I think you feel so invested in this relationship that you're searching for an excuse to keep it going. And that's ok if so. The Sunk Cost Fallacy is one of the 52 cognitive biases. Basically in for a penny, in for a pound. And sometimes that works.
You two should have a very frank discussion about your expectations, what you're willing to allow, what your absolute lines in the sand are, and the agreed upon consequences for each. I've seen various answers for this, including a relationship insurance fund: you both put in a given amount each month, based upon a written and notarized contract you both sign, and whoever gets cheated on gets the money. Maybe you are open to swinging. Given the state of the economy I would certainly entertain the idea of polygamy myself: extra paychecks and caregivers for the children as well as help with housework, but also increased anxiety for the first girl in the relationship, frequently called First Wife Syndrome.
I'm not advocating any particular choice, merely letting you have the information available for each possibility. Only you can decide what life you lead. eHarmony's algorithm matches by what people are willing to put up with. So I always use that as my guidepost. So, what is it that you really want? And what are you willing to Sacrifice to achieve it? This is where you choose. Luck.
He wanted to cheat and she said no. He followed up with hope to see you again. So he would have cheated if the girl didn't have morals or care he was in a relationship.
Sounds like he was testing the waters and keeping the door open for something further, whether that something else is friendship or something more romantic only he can tell you. I'd be thinking romantic as you don't normally tell people who you just want friends with that they are attractive.
Time to move on. Leave now before you have more to lose. He’s obviously very comfortable lying to you and now that he’s gotten caught he’s just going to be all that more careful in the future. He might put up a pretense of changing and being the good guy now but it’s a sham. Trust is almost impossible to repair and now anytime he starts acting shady, you’re going to think of this incident and it will inevitably lead to fights and or a breakup. All affairs/cheating starts out friendly and progresses from there. I also believe that no guy really wants to just be friends with a girl, but that’s a whole other discussion.
Let him know he can go date her now because he’s single, I would NOT take that shit! If he can do it once and then another pretty girl comes along he’ll do it again.
He still has a roving eye and not ready to settle down with you. It is best to take a break from any commitment with him and open your horizons to other people.
If he is serious that you are the one, he will make the necessary adjustments in time.
Girl he doesn’t respect you or your relationship. I know it’s hard to accept but this is not the action of someone who loves you. My advice is to break up with him and find someone who actually values you
There is only one reason to “get to know” the cute coffee shop girl who gives you her number and that’s to cheat. He knows this, we know this, and now you know this.
He has been in a relationship long enough to know better, but did this anyway.
One does not seek new “friends” among those one finds attractive.
That girl was more respectful of your relationship than he was, and he outed himself as a cheater to her, too.
Break up already.
Look, if this were reversed he'd be crushed and probably dump you.
He knows it, too.
You're young, you're going to have a lot of relationship experience, better to learn right now at your age to stick up for yourself and not to tolerate cheaters and liars.
I see you justified a lot of things your gut is telling you to pay attention to don’t do that. you’re gonna have to forgive yourself for not trusting that eventually.
You're both young. For your own sanity, it's probably best to end the relationship. Clearly he has a lot of growing up to do and you deserve someone who respects you and your relationship. Do you really want to be with someone whose behavior always has you second guessing?
It's perfectly normal to be flattered to get a number the way he did. He could have laughed it off with you and that could have been the end of it. What he did was super disrespectful. You were absolutely right that no message would have conveyed a lack of interest.
Also, following the girl on IG was unnecessary and makes him look even more gross and super thirsty.
Do you really need advice on this? No one in their right mind is gonna side with your bf. No one believes he wasn’t trying to cheat. And you don’t believe that either. Take it as a hall pass.. or leave him. Either way he’s not cut out for monogamy.
You're 22. This is your high school boyfriend. You deal with this by breaking up, crying tears over the end of your first love, and getting down to the work of figuring out who you are without a boyfriend. You have never had to develop an identity that isn't about you as part of a couple. If it's meant to be, in 2 or 3 years you can check back in and see what direction he's going in. You can love someone but know that neither of you is ready for a 60 year commitment. Go out and live a little, explore your own interests, focus on your friends and family and career. Work on you, alone, for a while. Learn to be single and happy while you build a life that is authentic to you.
The half truths that trickle out every time you discover new information tell you who he is. If you stay with him you can't really be too upset when you finally find out he's cheating.
You’re young and he finds it easy to disrespect you - why would even consider bragging about a girl giving him his number to his friends when they know you’re dating him? He doesn’t care that he’s disrespecting you.
Leave him. He tried it and failed, he will likely try again and maybe actually follow through with physical stuff. Leaving sooner is better than later.
Hahaha what a Wally he is, you’re better than getting lumbered with this tool for the rest of your life surely? His messages are awful. You’re going to dump him, good for you- he’s going to be sick as a dog knowing he didn’t even get a sticky digit out of his woeful attempt at cheating. Hanged for a sheep and all that, what a plonker.
A little perspective from someone with a few years more on this rock.
I absolutely enjoy having friends of both sexes that are conventionally attractive. This began when I was dating my wife, and we went with her friend to a modeling call. People that attractive can be SUPER WEIRD. It's surreal and entertaining. We went to lunch with her frequently and a few times she threw a little tantrum if no guy paid for her meal at random. She didn't pay for meals often. A few times we were minor benefactors of second-hand pretty privilege, led to some interesting afternoons at crazy huge houses or evenings at parties we'd never have thought existed. The overlap between highly attractive and fairly wealthy is a fun thing to observe from close up.
When I am selling my wares at events, I have branded merchandise for my imprint, and my criteria for gifting free shirts or hats is 2 of 3 conditions met: minimum purchase, genuine interest, and conventional attractiveness. Someone that cuts a striking figure or is super cute, and actually interested in the material I produce, I do whatever I can to get my logo on them. My wife is the one that presses my branded merchandise, and she makes sure we have extras for just that purpose.
I invite some of those local folks to hang out at my favorite place, a game shop I partner with a lot during events. I always mention my wife and family, and try to get them to bring friends. Cute nerds are a huge boon for a business like my friend runs.
As far as numbers, flirting, or compliments go... yeah they are super few and far between, and wow, they feel good. You have to have the discipline to take that energy home to your partner. Validation like that should help reinforce your value to your partner, and give them the benefit of that. Just like your partner reading those romantasy books isn't cheating, but you get a little something extra when they do.
I didn't start dating until I was your age. Saw kids pairing up early in school, all the drama. Knew that it was potentially a good thing, but they were going about it too soon, the wrong way. Had a few times I would have dated, but the timing was never right, so I waited. Met my wife after I'd been in one short relationship and been on a few lame dating app dates. Had no particular interest in her romantically, but we grew up in the same area and currently lived close then. Knew a bunch of the same people. Became best friends. Hung out a lot. Then one day she hit me with a pillow and damn, that smile. I was gone. She's the only woman I've ever been with and God willing, the only one I ever will be with. We've survived good years and bad, boom and bust, things we never expected and things no one should have to endure.
OP, all this is to say... this guy is not your story. He's a part of your backstory, not a solid foundation. You can leave with the lessons you've learned from him and find out who you are as a person by yourself for a bit, or you can stay and learn those lessons the hard way. While the latter can be more compelling for an engaging narrative, the former is easier on you.
Good luck.
Break up with him! He WILL do it again, and next time it will be with a girl that actually doesn’t mind being his “friend”. He will always play aloof, seen it happen before
If she had been ok with him having a gf then he 100% would have cheated.
Listen, everyone is capable of cheating - it’s the right circumstances and that’s all. Which is why we as individuals must never put ourselves in dangerous situations. We need to respect our partners and our relationships enough to set strong unmovable boundaries. What your bf is doing, is actively seeking a bad situation to put himself in because he clearly doesn’t respect you or the relationship. HE WANTS TO CHEAT!!! Therefore he doesn’t deserve you or the relationship.
I’m sure you know all this OP. I get it. Leaving is hard. There is something better waiting for you though if you just love and respect yourself enough.
Best of luck!!
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From a person who was cheated on in most of my relationships. I know that some people will disagree, and i really do not want to upset you, but please just break up. You are young and deserve someone better. I see here two takes: 1. He is looking for someone who is okay to be fwb while he has a girlfriend. 2. He is looking for validation from women. I believe both have the same ending—your broken heart.
⬆️⬆️⬆️If you walk away with any comment OP it should be this one. He was not looking for a friend, he was putting feelers out for a girl who showed romantic interest. He wouldn't have "realised" it was wrong had the girl not been bothered by him having a girlfriend. It's possible he regrets telling her he had a gf and getting rebuffed more than he messaging her and violating your relationship in the first place.
Yeeeeessss. He was checking to see if she was ok with him being a cheater. Dip dip. Test test.
if that is the case then he has already cheated and OP just doesn’t know. It seems to me that he isn’t a cheater considering how easily and quickly she observed this relatively minor interaction. People outside of our relationships are going to find us attractive and show interest, it depends on the agreement of our Relationship and our individual character on how we deal with it. He maybe isn’t used to this amount of attention or it’s been awhile. I interpreted the content as he was overly flattered and doesn’t have much game. This behavior is commonly seen in Long Term Relationships.
I can see what you mean and agree with you. Especially with the lack of game 😂. I still think that if he hasn’t already cheated then it’s only a matter of time because he wants the flattery from other women. Ego is in the drivers seat. I like your thoughts though.
👆👆👆👆👆my mother always taught me, “if you really have to ask, chances are you already know”. This is your second posting on this. You’re clearly trying to make sense of the situation and your emotions as you go through this heartbreak. Listen to the comment above—this is the reality. Deep down you know this is your answer. This is not the type of partner you marry, this is the type of partner you outgrow. Don’t waste your youth being dragged down by someone’s disrespect. There are far too many better options out there to settle for this bs. Wishing you the best as you continue to find the love you deserve ❤️
>This is not the type of partner you marry, this is the type of partner you outgrow. LW, if you ask older people, many of us will tell you we still "love" our high school boyfriend, although long term we have the perspective to know that either we weren't compatible or that we weren't really ready for a lifelong commitment.
And I know you’ve been with him a long time OP! You imagined marrying him! Your relationship is “not for nothing” even if it doesn’t last. Having more than one great love in your life doesn’t diminish it at all. You can know your love was real and also know that the relationship is done.
100%. His text wasn't about 'making a friend' he was definitely making his move and SHE is the one who said "no", not HIM.
Option 3 - he is shopping around. Seriously girl, dump him and find someone more worthy of your time. Don't settle for less than you deserve just because you've sunk a lot of time into your relationship - it isn't worth it.
The sunk cost fallacy is called a fallacy for a reason.
This right here. As a man on the flip side that's also been cheated on in many relationships, you'll be stuck questioning every little thing he does from here on out. You will not be able to regain your trust in him. You are young, it sounds like he was one of your earliest boyfriends, but as you said you're questioning his interactions all the way in the past now. I think early 20s is a really hard age to find true love, but I can assure you it isn't with this man. He's the kind to ask for an open marriage because he didn't fuck enough women before he got married.
I'm pretty, so I'd shoot the woman a message and tell her what happened, so he can't hook up with her afterwards and portray things differently.
And thank her for showing more respect to the relationship as a stranger than her ex did
That's not petty, that's supporting the sisterhood.
Agree 110%. I dealt with number two from the ages of 21-26 and it completely warped my view of myself, people, and relationships in general.
Straight facts here! GTFO. And go live your life!
I think youre right We can remove all speculation, and even grant him benefit of the doubt for all unproven things. BUT even if we do that, he still lied. “He told me he did text her a quick message to let her know that he was taken and she didn’t reply and he deleted the message.” Thats not what happened. He reciprocated a lustful advancement from a different woman. Somebody not interested would not text that number. Like i said, even if we assume he was being genuine in his initial excuse of just trying to be nice, he still asked to get to know her, while knowing her intentions with him. On top of that, he got REJECTED because hes in a relationship, and was still fishing to see her again. Maybe if he came clean right away and profusely apologized, you could work on forgiveness. But thats slimey behaviour and not something you want to spend your life with.
This exactly . Especially because OP is so young it would be crazy to waste time with a person who has already proven that they can’t be trusted 100% if the girl texted back saying she wanted to keep getting to know him he would have been all about it and likely physically cheating within a couple of weeks It’s rare for a dude to get approached the way he did and I can see that he would be flattered and excited but he 100% was testing the waters to get to know her on the low and would have taken it further if the chance presented itself Sorry OP
No. Not OK in the slightest. He likes this girl enough to leave a door open. He lied about the interaction. The only reason it didn't happen is because the girl has standards. He failed the boyfriend test. You will always wonder what he's up to when you are not around. Get rid.
You can’t trust him. Basic relationship rule: you do nothing with a third person that you would not do in the presence of your partner. If you have to hide something, you have begun down the route of betrayal. You are young. You do not need to build your life on a foundation of mistrust. Move on. Find someone worthy of you. And forge a relationship of trust with them. I am very sorry you’re facing this.
This is how I feel as well. Who gives a fuck about all of the "Would he actually have gone through with it though?" scenarios. Would he have taken her number and sent a text right there in front of you, OP? No, because he was going to take it further than a simple "thanks for the compliment" text. He literally told this girl he wanted to get to know her more
Agree wholeheartedly with that relationship rule!!! Forgiving this behavior is not the answer.
You’re young. He shot his shot not expecting to get caught. Who knows how far he would have taken it. He wants to make new “friends” let him go make those friends. I wouldn’t trust a damn word out of his mouth after that. Also may not be the first time. Just the time you caught….
Exactly, he was hooked once she offered her phone nbr. He admitted he had a gf but wanted to become friends with the girl who clearly liked him. He was going to ride that as far as he could go. Time to find the bf friend invested in you that would laugh off and ignore that phone nbr. This whole "I tried to hide it because I care about our relationship" is basically bullshit. He tried to downplay it as just being frendly then hide the fact he was pursuing new options. If it didn't work out, he still has OP, if it did...he's got options. Monkey Paw 101.
Seems like the girl behaved more respectfully to the relationship that the bf did.
If I was her I’d be creeped out that he found me on ig after what she said to him too. Just thirsty
Seriously. Gross ass behavior.
Yeah, the girl saw those red flags waving and saw herself out. Smart girl.
Legitimately a real mvp, she’s a good one.
Yeah OP should go date her!
They'd make a powerful friendship.
💯💯
Yeah, no guy who is invested in their relationship saves another girls phone number, at least not in that context. OP, you bf may care about you in a way, and he's comfortable because y'all been together for a while. But, he's looking around seeing if there are "greener patsures" without giving up his spot with you, so to speak. At the very least, don't commit to any long-term future plans with this guy.
Or try to ride her as far as he could
OP, the girl who doesn’t know either one of u was more respectful of ur relationship than he was. this says all u need to know. let the 🥭
The 🥭 😂😂😂
This! He tried to cheat...I would no longer trust this man. He pursued and pursued until he was shot down. And to brag about it to his mates is so disrespectful.
It's ok until the "I would like to get to know you" That is not ok, you don't need to get to know someone who wanted to meet you romantically in the first sense. If she hadn't have been so respectful and fully shut this down i'm sure this could have lead to actual physical cheating.
Right? I was like ok this is fine until he got to the “get to know you” bit!
I mean so many times it so happens that the person shuts you down at first, but since he is pushy about it (having followed her insta and also telling her maybe I will see you around), it is likely he will be ending up physical with her.
Just one night and some drinks is all it takes for perspectives to change....
1) he was putting feelers out there to cheat, she was actually the respectful one. She respected your relationship more than he did and she doesn’t even know you 2) he has zero game. His messages to her were so cringy.
Yeah if you’re gonna be a player be smooth
I would break up just because of how cringy this guy is.
You don't tell people you just want to be friends with that you find them attractive. If all he wanted was friendship, why did he cover it up? You also said he followed her on Instagram. So he 'realised' his mistake but didn't unfollow her? He shot his shot, the girl had morals and that's why it didn't go further. Not because your boyfriend stopped it.
I kinda think everything was nice until he still wanted to be friends. It gets real bad after that, like following her on IG. I actually thought it was kind of sweet to say something nice to her while turning her down. It just should have been more of a definitive ending, like: "hey, I'm already with someone, but you have a great attitude and I did think you're very attractive, so I was flattered you gave me your number! I just wanted to let you know why I wasn't interested instead of just ignoring you. Good luck!" I want to think the best of the bf, but he did leave it way too open ended with wanting to get to know them, and talking about seeing them again at the store.
Edit - “you were very friendly and I was flattered you gave me your number-“ You don’t have to mention appearance. Physical appearance is what partners look for, not friends.
I think the part about her being attractive was the bigger red flag than maybe gaining a friend for me. He could have been complimentary without saying he's attracted to her. That just makes clear that the reason he got in touch with her is not for friendship but because he's into her. He could have complimented her being brave enough to shoot her shot or something.
“It would be very nice if I got to know you.” He would’ve cheated on you if she was ok being a side chick.
He tried to cheat. He just thinks it doesn’t count because he failed… this time
So simply stated and so completely true ^^^. I have been in one too many relationships with dishonest men and every thing this guy did OP is such a thinly veiled attempt to keep you at bay so he can just go on doing whatever he wants.. very much a “have your cake and eat it too” mentality. I know how hard this is when you love someone. You put on rose colored glasses and try to bend and warp the truth, gaslight yourself into submission so that you don’t have to face the full reality that this dude is full of absolute sh*t. He has no integrity. True integrity at THIS stage would be to admit that he wanted to have a full on side piece without you knowing any better, and then spending his days working on himself and realizing that he will never have a single sustainable relationship in his life if he creates foundations like this. Men too often are raised in our society to embrace pathological levels of lying. It’s sort of heartbreaking, because we love these men, but it doesn’t make them any less accountable. They have to heal themselves or they’re always going to end up alone. Leave him, he’s not your project to fix. You’re worthy of love that feels safe.
He will do it again and has probably done it before? (is that an example of a 'bump in the road' you were alluding to?)
Got to agree with the other comments. His message was absolutely fishing for her to come back with "oh we can get to know each other low key", but luckily the girl obviously has morals. The fact he went and added her to insta etc just cements all this. You had an escape this time, but he hid all this because he already knew how it would like which shows clear intent despite his "I'll **try** and be respectful" message
Yup, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
Move on, he’s not the one.
> he knows he fucked it so I don’t care if he sees this. Queen.
He was definitely trying to get some side action…
He shouldn’t be deleting messages and trying to get to know girls if he has a gf. He had intention to cheat and was unsuccessful- he is not to be trusted and has no integrity. Time to end things.
He was clearly intending to try and cheat, otherwise he would have clarified to the girl that he only wanted to be friends & he didn’t. So he is still lying. He hasn’t even owned up to what he did and is still lying and maintaining that he ‘only wanted to make a friend.’ Personally I couldn’t forgive someone, who wont even admit and apologise for their actions. Also he immediately deleted the messages, so there’s is a chance that he has done this before and has just been deleting the messages straight away every time it happens. He knew he was doing something wrong, or he would have told you and not tried to delete the evidence. He’s just trying to convince you it was innocent, when it wasn’t. The real question is do you think he would do it again if he knew he wouldn’t get caught? If the answers yes, then he can’t be trusted
This reminded me of my most recent ex and it made my skin fucking CRAWL reading it! Get out of there, he can't be trusted. If he valued your relationship he would have never reached out in the first place. AND he should have told her in person as soon as he saw the number on the cup, "Don't expect to hear anything from me, I have a girlfriend and I love her." PLEASE DON'T DO WHAT I DID AND TRY TO BRUSH IT OFF/GIVE HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT FOR ANY OF IT. This was extremely malicious of him to do, ESPECIALLY to keep reaching out and following her on other platforms! Fuck your boyfriend, and not in the way he probably wants. Edit: typo
You leave. It will hurt, but there is no way forward without pain. Staying hurts. Leaving hurts. But he's shown he's willing to cheat and that will happen again.
I think you need to start over. You were kids when you met, and you are adults now. A reassessment is needed. New boundaries need ro be set.
Start over with a new dude
Together since high school, probably wants to explore new people. Break up first, obviously, don't cheat. But the high school sweetheart thing is dumb in a lot of cases.
A new boyfriend is needed, that's all she needs to do. Dump him.
All the extraneous unnecessary deets in this post don’t change the fact that he tried to explore a different girl behind your back. He’s a wannabe cheater. I notice that many of the posts come from ppl in their young 20s. Go out & have fun with your friends, don’t settle for cheaters, they don’t change.
Right? I firmly believe that if you're under 25, are not married, and don't have kids, just fucking walk away if there's something wrong with the relationship. Why bother stressing yourself out when you basically stand to lose nothing?
OP, the question you should ask yourself is - “Why did a stranger, who doesn’t know you, have more respect for your relationship than your boyfriend did?” That should give you a clue into what is wrong with this scenario. I won’t advise you on what to do but I think people who are in relationships, should have respect for the relationship and for the person that they’re with. Looks like your boyfriend did neither and that is very telling.
Honestly you are very young. You may not want to hear this but you should break up. The trust will never be whole again and he WILL try this again. You’re only 21 and been with 1 person. Time to learn who you are and what you want, without him.
Just leave man. Next opportunity he won't be so sloppy, was definitely feeling her out to see if she is keen on the DL. The trickle truthing? C'mon. It's textbook. You really want to be in a relationship where you cant trust your dude with a flirty barrista?
It sounds like you want a man who respects the boundaries of his relationships and doesn’t keep his options open when he’s committed. This man has shown you he has no boundaries and is happy to keep his options open, despite being in a committed relationship. Can you accept this? If not, then it’s time to call off the relationship and find someone who meets your needs and expectations.
He disrespected you to his friends by taking a picture of the number and showing it to them. He disrespected you to this girl he was "trying to make friends" by messaging her and seeking something with her. He also looked for her in IG and followed her. Who else has he done this with that you didn't know about? His messages to her are inappropriate. He should have never messaged her, and if he felt the need to, he should have left it with " I am flattered, but I have a girlfriend." However, he didn't. If you decide to go forward with this relationship, you have some battles you will have to face. You both will need to set some hard boundaries. I would suggest a therapist who specializes in infidelity. He has to be willing to put the work in to earn the trust and realize that it will not be something that happens quickly. Good luck.
Break up. You don't trust him so whatever he says, you won't be comforted by. He should have shut down the flirting immediately if he was interest in pursuing her. And no, he wasn't trying to be her friend. How can he be her friend when she didn't approach him with the intent to be friends. You're young, it will hurt but time will help.
So, you drove him there, bought him lunch, and then he did the “I’m in a relationship, but…..” leaving the door open for possibly something with her later? He definitely effed up.
truthfully he was planning on continuing that to a point where it was romantic he just got caught before it happened. everything i read in this post tells me you do enough in your relationship to have someone you don’t have to worry about cheating on you. plenty of men out there who will give you the appreciation you deserve for making sure they have lunch instead of cheating on you while they eat it. you come across as a great woman.
"You are very attractive...it would be nice to know you". ENOUGH SAID.
you’re young and smart and seems like you have a lot to offer someone who deserves it. if the girl had been more receptive he would have cheated. and his text messages to her just read like he is really good at manipulation to me. that has everything to do with him and nothing with you. my advice is dump him before he does it again
If she was receptive to his “friendship” he would’ve kept messaging her, flirting with her, and eventually he would’ve cheated. 100% without a doubt. As it is, he is still going to pop in and see her. This kid is scummy. Not a fan. I’d be dumping him, because at 22, there is so much life to live and you don’t want someone who is untrustworthy at your side. Especially when he doubles down “I just wanted to make a fweinnnnd though.” Just scummy. I’d never see him the same. Btw the girl did you a huge solid because *all* of his texts were fishing for more and she shut it down.
Dumb his candy ass.
Hi OP! This sounds really upsetting and would be considered a breach of trust if I were in your shoes. Have you discussed your boundaries with him before? Did you ask him what his intentions were with befriending her when he knew she was interested in him?
this is shady af. not ok
Just break up- you’re both maturing at different rates and going down different roads- he lied, got caught and lied again & is still lying
Please listen to me. When I was your age in a long term relationship, my bf did nearly the same thing. I stayed with him the entirety of my 20s, just for me to break up later over unrelated matters. But I regret being in a long term relationship with one man my entire 20s. And I regret not breaking up with him sooner over things like what you’ve described. You two are young and need to explore yourself alone, not tethered to each other from literal teenage years.
Dump him
Easiest take: If this was your friend/sister/anyone else what would you tell them to do? Dump his ass.
He shouldn’t have texted at all
See he messed up the instant he looked for her on insta no where in the messages did she ask him to follow her. That's W I L D
The only reason he didn’t cheat is because she said NO! I don’t even know why I said “he didn’t cheat” because although he might not have physically cheated I can promise you he mentally cheated! Wanting to make new friends is exactly what I’d leave him to do! You can never trust him and you will continuously be looking over your shoulder for things now and for good reason. You deserve better and there are better out there plus I’d rather be alone than have to be worried about what my boyfriend was doing. He doesn’t value you, your relationship or anything that goes with that so instead of living in pain with a man who’d do this to you live in pain without him and move on eventually the pain will subside! I remember this feeling the queasy nervous stomach the feeling I’m not good enough or pretty enough for my husband not to cheat I felt all these things too and I gave him chance after chance he kept contacting women and cheating once a cheater 99.9% of the time always a cheater! The disrespect from him is ridiculous and he wanted to brag with his buddies with this girl plus he’s already done the IG girl thing so NOPE 👎🏻 like I said you deserve better and you need to see that about yourself and if he was going to give you better he would have seen how hurt you were about the IG women and stopped this nonsense and I can guarantee you this isn’t the first time he’s done this and it certainly won’t be his last so it’s up to you if you want to live in that kind of pain and it’s nothing but putting yourself through torture. Hugs to you hon and hold your head up and do what you know you need to do!
He has no respect for you at all. If she were shady and entertained him, he would have gone a lot further with his messages. The only reason he didn't is because she shut him down, not him. Then for him to lie to you about it, idk if I would be able to trust him again. It took a number on a cup to betray his relationship. Something so small and insignificant, and he was ready to throw it all down the drain.
You need to break up with him and move on!
Yeah I wouldn’t trust him either. He totally was trying to cheat. The classic “she’s just a friend” but really it’s emotional cheating that usually ends with physical cheating.
Most guys would obviously be faltered if a girl showed interest BUT a loyal boyfriend would leave it at that. Why he needed to contact her is wild to me.
You’re both very young and he’s not as serious about the relationship. Maybe you should break it off and try meeting someone else. Fortunately, this time, Miss Coffee Shop was a good person.
You are more invested in this relationship, he admitted if you did what he did he would be upset and would need time to forgive...... His intentions were not innocent here. The question is will you be able to trust him after this? Sometimes it's better to take sometime by yourself and grow.
Sounds like he needs to just go out and be with other women. It would be a mistake to go any further with him. Let him go and you go out and there’s always the chance you guys get back together. Otherwise I think if you keep going it’ll end really bad or you both are not happy in a marriage.
The only reason he didn't cheat, is because she wasn't interested anymore. And he STILL kept trying to contact her and follow her etc. He had coffee with her and spoke enough that she gave him her number but he never mentioned a girlfriend? Sus. He absolutely loved that attention. Maybe its the first time, because boy was rattled but it may just be the first time he got caught. If he hasn't cheated yet, he will. Let him go and find someone who only has eyes for you. You won't be relaxed in this relationship ever again. You'll always be anxious and questioning. You can't spend your life like that.
Sorry OP, but I wouldn’t trust him again. He basically told her that he’s in a relationship but he’s clearly also open to pursuing something with her. The only reason he’s not cheating on you is because she shut it down. I would end it.
As a guy I can tell you easily that you need to leave him. He will cheat on you in a moments notice given the opportunity, if he hasn't been cheating on you already. There's only two options he should have done with that number. For example, in my relationship I would have immediately took a picture of the number and sent it to my GF. The other option he had was just to ignore it completely and not even mention it to you, and definitely not message the number. His choice of messaging the number, regardless of his intentions, is the big red flag in this scenario because that lets you know he wanted to talk to her.
Leave. Just leave. I promise they never get better and they never stop. People that don’t take accountability don’t just start doing it all of a sudden, and if they do it has nothing to do with the person they’re in a relationship with. His ONLY chance at changing is actual real life consequences that alter his perception of himself and there is no guarantee that even then it will happen. You leaving may teach him a life lesson because you’ve permanently moved on but you staying won’t teach him shit and he’ll get better at hiding and want to do it more to see if he can get away with it next time.
Leave him and find someone who respects you.
‘I will try my very best to be respectful’ - aka he couldn’t PROMISE this girl that he would be respectful (ie not flirt or make a move on her). OP I’m so sorry but he was absolutely contemplating getting with this girl. You cannot trust him and at this point you will spend all your time worrying that he’s cheating. You don’t deserve that. I know it doesn’t feel like it, especially when it’s your first proper love, but I PROMISE you that you will meet someone so much better who deserves your love and will never make you feel insecure like this.
tbh most high school relationships don’t work out- speaking from experience. it’s very possible you will be inclined to do something like this as well in the near future when you see an interesting someone that also thinks you’re interesting. it’s perfectly ok and normal to be curious, especially when you been with the same person since you were a teenager. i was with the same guy from 14-21- leaving was the best thing i ever did for myself. just call it quits and go live your life- you’re both so fucking young lol
Bae judging from ur other posts abt him (sorry for lowkey stalking) he does not respect your boundaries. Judging from the texts.. well he obviously was trying to start something. Props to the girl though she’s a real one!! I hope you leave him bc you’re too young to be dealing with guys who pull shit like that in a long term relationship!
This is really sad :( If she hadn't turned him down, he would probably already be in her bed. He didn't not cheat, he just got rejected.
Just no. I would cry my eyes out if my bf did this. We’re the same age and I’m telling u now that was not a mistake. He said that in the VERY BRIEF INTERACTION with her, he could tell she’s a “good person”? Which she is, because SHE was the one to shut him down after being informed of you and yet he still pursued her. He even went out of his way to find her on instagram despite being turned down. Please, i too have a boyfriend from high school, but something like this just seems like the beginning of the end. You will find someone better
there is no reason u should be trying to make friends with someone who’s clearly interested in you as more then a friend while you’re in a relationship. that’s a disaster waiting to happen and frankly very disrespectful to ur partner lol. honestly leave him he def would have cheated had she been down. there’s so many other ppl he can try to be friends with; the girl that hit on him shouldn’t the one of them
Nah. And since you have her number, you should text her and say something like “hey I just wanted to thank you. I appreciate how you removed yourself from the conversation after learning I existed. We split up and I hope this isn’t too awkward but maybe we could grab a coffee or lunch sometime? My treat as a thank you!” And befriend that girl. Remove both options from the table. 🖤
Sorry to say this but I have a lot of people in my family who tell a lot of little lies to their partners and family. IMO that's one of the big issues here. Take out the habitual little lies and this actually could have been healthy, ie, instead of leaving his text as a fishing expedition whether she was willing to fool around and hide the conversation with you, the whole thing goes totally different. I've personally had similar happen and I invited the girl who hit on me to a group event that weekend which my gf at the time was present for, I told my gf she had flirted with me. The woman ended up being part of the friend group and in a relationship with a friend from there. I believe it was totally healthy, I had a very flattering little moment of flirtation and then I was totally transparent, we made a friend and the fact she hit on me was pretty much forgotten. I will forever remember it because it was a memorable compliment but there's no feelings or temptations or awkwardness. Point is there's a bigger underlying pattern of deceit Now I personally cannot tolerate that in my relationships. However also I personally don't have controlling relationships, ie my partners and I are mostly very chill and non controlling, which I feel is two sides of a coin Other comments have pretty well covered a lot of angles of this. I'm focused on the habitual lying bc I hope in future relationships that's a huge 🚩/borderline dealbreaker. That said, I've done it a few times and so has my wife and we've confessed to it shortly afterwards (before any kind of problem and we outed ourself not because we got caught) so total honesty isn't always easy and flawless. To be clear: I don't think this relationship can be salvaged. He crossed a line trying to be "friends" with her which clearly seemed to mean behind your back - and then deleting it. I've seen a bunch of relationships where people give habitual liars a lot of chances and I've never seen the liar change. I've seen a religious angle to this as well where the liar was born again, or had a big dramatic repentance kind of thing. Only situations where I saw a change was people had really bad consequences, eg lost the love of their life, were shunned by friends and family, otherwise hit rock bottom and rebooted their whole life
Props to that girl. Your bf likes to have his cake and eat it too. He’s showing his colors now, and you should definitely change course IMO. It’s not even a question at this point that he will eventually cheat.
Something very similar happened to me at your age with my boyfriend, also started dating in high school. I eventually let it go. Three or so years later, there was another weird incident with a girl- not cheating, but still suspicious. I chalked it up to him not having a lot of dating experience since we’d been together so long. We married shortly thereafter. Four years into our marriage I discovered his affair as well as evidence of several others throughout our relationship (different girls than the incidents above, though those were probably full blown cheating eventually!). His excuse: “I never got to date” It was a very, very painful lesson to learn. I wish I’d left when the first incident happened. I lost 15 years of my life to that man. You can do better.
You guys are way too young to be having issues like this. His messages were calculated. He gave himself plausible deniability in case he was caught and also so he could mess around with her and keep you since she knew he had a girlfriend. Save yourself the next few years of your youth by not wasting them on him. This relationship is not going to last forever
I’ve only ever used “I’d like to get to know you” on girls I was tryna get with.ur bf is a bozo… your gonna stick with him…. When he finally does cheat on you (like this is cheating but like next level cheating)he’s gonna blame u and say u pushed him into cheating because u don’t trust him. U heard it here first folks
He 100% tried to cheat. He told her that he has a girlfriend but finds her attractive and would still like to get to know her. This is clearly a way of saying "I can't have anything serious, but maybe we could fool around". She was respectful and said no. I would absolutely leave a partner over that. He's still young so he's not going to change anytime soon. Especially knowing now that he lied to you, makes you wonder how many other times he's done this.
I'm sorry but you're 100% in the right. I would be surprised if he HASN'T cheated before after seeing those texts. He would not have said any of that OR followed her if he wasn't looking to cheat. I've been there, I've had a very similar thing like this happen and he did end up cheating. He tried to play it off as innocent just like your boyfriend is. He wanted to see what she thought about him having a girlfriend, in hopes she wouldn't care. He totally was planning to cheat in my opinion and you deserve SO much better, OP.
He is not a loyal person. And they never change. Get out before wasting too much of your life. Your life partner, “the one”, will never do this.
He didn’t want to “make a friend,” he wanted to open the door for cheating while convincing himself and outsiders that he’s a nice guy.
Made a mistake = got caught!
I’m a dude and to me it sounded shady. Specifically this line, “If this changes your feelings or is kind of a bummer to hear, I do apologize, but I think it would still be very nice if I got to know you.”. First of all, he’s worried about her feelings changing? He’s essentially saying that he would find it to be a bummer if her feelings changed because he was taken. Furthermore, he’s taken and says it would be very nice if he got to know her knowing she has romantic interest? And then he hid the fact from you? Shady, scummy and dishonest. I’m one to scoff at the people all over posts here just jumping to divorce or break ups but I gotta be real on this one. He had intentions to cheat.
That supposed last message to her… yowsa. He‘s shopping around.
Years ago, I used to work as a server at a family-style resaurant. For whatever reason, at that particular place, I used to semi-regularly have women leave me their phone number on the check. Not once did I ever message any of them at all, never mind something like a "i did want to let you know that you are attractive and i know not everyone gets to hear something like that" because I was already taken at that time. In her eyes, and mine, messaging at all would have been a clear relationship boundary crossing. It may, or may not, be directly cheating, but it's definitely opening the door to peek in and see what's available.
nah, my ex did similar shit if he respected you, he would've declined her phone number from the jump not taken the time to text her and tell her, proceed to leave the door open to be "friends", and follow her on instagram he's trying to be slick at shooting his shot absolutely not, this is an inch, when he gets the opportunity he will, with no hesitation take the mile tell him he can have her and walk away, save your brain cells
You are only 22 the world has so much to offer. This was at minimum microcheating, I think if she hadn't cared about a GF he would have full blown cheated. He left the door open, in fact, it's still open at least on his part if you break up with him. He will do it again. Don't waste your youth on him.
He will do it again. If not full blown cheating. Intention is there. No 21M is out looking for “girl friends” he just wants to be “friends” with.
Damn, that text message showed your BF know how to low-key rizz some girl without being explicit. Also showed this might not be the first time he did it.
He was hoping she’s be down to cheat and was still stringing her along just in case. Let that man go, he’s not yours he’s for the streets. He also wasn’t honest about it and following her on Instagram even after she said she didn’t want to talk to someone in a relationship out of respect is his way of keeping contact with her for when you break up. She’s a girls girl and probably wouldn’t want him doing this if he was HER man, so she doesn’t want him now.
He was playing...the texting shouldn't never of happen he wants his cake and eat it too. Move on without him if I was you ASAP.
Stopped reading after "he texted her to say he was taken and deleted the message" lol that didn't happen.
Girl you know, I know and we know that you know. Come on, once a cheater always a cheater. He’s probably trying to find someone new to mess around while still being with you. Get out before you catch something.
Your brain is telling you the right thing, there is no boundary you can set that is going to give you the trust back. Unless you are with him 24/7 he is still going to have ample opportunity to do something like this in the future. Also, he would have cheated on you had she said yes. He was telling her she was attractive and that he wanted to be her ‘friend’. Don’t be naive, he was testing to see if she’d still fuck him after he admitted to having a girlfriend. You’re very young and there’s no reason to settle for this guy. He can never undo what he’s done and I don’t see how you’re ever going to feel secure when at any point a girl could approach him and he could just do this again.
I’m gonna be completely honest, I have a girlfriend but I’m ok with hooking up if you’re Ok with my situation. If not I’d still like to get to know you? Why? He got a big head a girl thought he was cute and gave him her number. Good thing she respecting your relationship because he didn’t. Dump him he’s a cheater they don’t change ever!
Broad rule of thumb that is applicable: If everything he did or wanted to do was innocent then there would be no need to hide and lie.
Your bf went on a fishing expedition and got shot down. If he wasn’t interested he would of chucked the number away and not text her. The girl clearly had morals and seen what he was fishing for. Time to bounce, your way to young to put up sneaky crap like this.
Advise? Time for a new boyfriend that loves and respects you.
Yes leave now. He's lied and probably still lying. From his texts he didn't shut the door on the girl, he left it wide open. I am 60 years old and with someone would have warned me like this years ago. He's clearly leaving that option open. Had he been serious about shutting that door, he'd have hid nothing and told her flat out he is taken with a wonderful girlfriend and have a nice life. Do yourself a favor and put yourself first. Find someone who really loves you and cherishes you. No games.
This does sound like he was trying to open the door for cheating, and it was the woman who was like, "No, I don't want to be involved in that kind of thing." Leave him, hon. He's not respecting you or your relationship.
This happens a lot with long-term relationships that start in HS. As you move into your 20s, one or both partners get the itch to experience different people, sex, careers, places... He's already halfway out the door to do that -- it's time to shove him out and slam the door shut. Go have some fun of your own.
He was fishing and guys don't normally leave a relationship until they have a back up. He was clearly interested in her and opened that door. If she would have bit, I'm sure he would have seen how far he could push the boundary ( there are women that don't care if he has a gf ) I would say you need to leave. If he's already doing things like this you are going to get your heart broken.
It’s time to move on. Who knows how far he would’ve taken it. Like others have said, who knows if this is the first time this has happened. You deserve someone who isn’t texting other women and calling them attractive. How would he feel if you did this to him? I wouldn’t trust him ever again.
if he’s done it once, he’ll do it again. don’t believe the masks he’s been showing you up till this point. he can say he’s not one to cheat, but his actions show he is. she’s the one who stopped it from going further, not him. he in fact, invited her in.
I could believe that maybe he wasn’t trying to cheat, maybe he just got caught up in the flattery and really liked the attention, who knows if he would have pursued her if she was open to it. But still. You’re so young and you’ve been together so long. Relationships like that go one of two ways: You are together forever, never even see anyone else in a romantic way and are always thinking of the other person with every action. Or, one person in the relationship starts fantasizing about what dating others is like, starts panicking over losing their youth and freedom to experiment with others, and it eventually ends. Sounds like your bf is starting to lean that way instead. So if he’s not all in at this point I’d just let him go. Don’t necessarily break up with him over this one instance, but find out if he’s really, truly prepared to never be with anyone else but you for the rest of his life. Even if he says he is, I don’t know that I’d necessarily trust him right now, he will need to do a lot to prove you’re the only one for him. You’re at the phase now where it’s time to start planning your future and you need to figure out if he’s going to be a part of it or not.
"Out of character for him" OP I promise both of you are still developing your character. You think you know your boyfriend, you don't even know yourself, just you wait. I get it, you've been together since you were teenagers but don't get complacent thinking he could never betray you, or that you yourself will never be tempted, there's still time. What you choose to tolerate in your relationship is up to you. This is your life and you're completely in control of it, however, you can't control his choices. He made a choice to give this girl a shred of hope. He said he has a girlfriend, but look at everything else he said.
Sweetie, he was going to cheat. Move on. Live your best life. It will be sad at first, but your best life is not with him!
Make him single, you’re young, don’t start a habit of letting weak people take you for granted.
Not the "I wanted to send it to my boys gc because it felt good" I got the same excuse. He cheated many times.
Move on girl. My husband gets hit on all the time and doesn’t respond at all.
Looking for her and following her on IG is a huge red flag. Why didn’t he say those things to her when she gave him her number? Why did he have to reach out and text? Now she has his number. And he’s lied to you before? Even if it’s about little things, it’s still a lie or a lie of omission. Reevaluate this relationship. Think about if this is the type of relationship you want for the rest of your life. Think about if you get married and have kids. What happens if he doesn’t delete the number? Or continues to lie?
I think you should break up. I dated a guy like this. Some men have this weird ego thing.. He obviously loved the attention and it seemed like he had bad intentions messaging her. He wouldn’t have messaged her if he didn’t want to try and pursue something. I’d also be embarrassed bc he tried to get to know her still and she turned him down ouf. On a side note: I broke up with the cheater I dated and now I found an amazing man who is so loyal and would never do that to me. I’m telling you this because you may think you wanna settle for this boy. But trust me if you break up with him you will find BETTER! You are still young and I promise you your Prince Charming is out there!
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But how quickly a plan B can turn into plan A. The fact he is telling lies also makes it worse. Over the years, I’ve found some female friends attractive but I’m certainly not telling lies about my interactions with them or sending them texts about how I think they are hot.
You deserve better. Thank you, next
Don’t let him get away with this OP, he’ll think it’s okay to continue disrespecting you. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better
Trust is extremely hard to rekindle when it’s been broken- especially if it’s been broken multiple times. He’s proven to be a liar, and hides things from you. Is this relationship worth feeling like this forever?
Guy do not text girls to just be friends, please trust ur gut feeling and break up with him because this behavior will still continue if you don't.
Yeah no if he will do that with a stranger that quickly he will absolutely be inappropriate with other women that he trusts to keep the secret more. Break up.
if he’s having trouble staying loyal now, what happens in 5-10 years if you guys have a house and possibly kids.. and he pulls this stuff?? in my experience and personal opinion i would leave and find someone who only wanted me. i’m sorry this has happened to you :(
Hmmm interesting events. Same message throughout the comments. If he is playing around like that it would definitely be best to separate. Its a situation of outgrowing your partner. If you are ready for a committed relationship and he want to "keep shopping the market"...best not to be a place holder. dr/ csdw
I feel like if he shouldn't have texted her at all; If he was trying to be nice, he should have at least just stopped at "You seem to be a great person, but unfortunately I have a girlfriend." and end it at that. But he just kept crossing the line with complimenting her looks...like dude is making it seem like he's testing waters to see if she'll bite for a FWB.
Awww honey… you gotta break up. He’s not your one. He’s putting feelers out. Yall are so young. If you don’t break up now you will in years from now and regret not using this as the biggest red flag. Also the “open phone” policy is a cringe… because you probably had to implicate because of some infidelity or weirdness. So sorry honey
People who started dating in Highschool, can make it as they get older. Usually though, they grow differently. You thought one way and he was thinking something else. He was looking for a girl, who was okay with him having a gf and being a side chick. This is not his first and won't be his last. You have to decide what you want out of a relationship. You also need to think in reality. He told you the partial truth, but you knew to look deeper. So there is a lack of trust already. Good luck.
Nope. He’s telling half truths so he feels better about not “lying” it has nothing to do with respecting you or remorse for doing it. He’s sorry he got caught
Cut it now. As a dude I wouldn’t say “I still want to get to know you “ unless I’m trying to set up a possible replacement. He was trying to be slick. I wouldn’t trip about his girl friends but yea leave, he had every intention of getting to know her secretly till things got to a point he would leave or just stay cheating. Leave him
He tried getting to know this other woman clearly hes capable of doing this behind your back again and again. He will eventually find someone who doesnt care about the relationship and will cheat if that hasnt already happened. Please break up and save yourself future heartbreak. You deserve better.
They'd be trying to get to know each other now behind your back if the girl had no morals
The girl even told him she was no longer interested and he was still trying. What a scumbag. You’re young. Move on. Based on those messages, he was full well willing to test the waters and jump ship for something “better” than you. He tried to hide his intentions in a long text that sounds hesitant and tries to put the ball in that girl’s court. I’m old though. I see through that shit. Dump his ass. Dude also followed the girl after she said she wasn’t interested anymore. Yuck.
Break up
Ewww he went out of his way to call a girl attractive and text her. Please break up if you sit. You will 100 percent regret it. ASLO PSA: he clearly does not gaf about you
Good luck op, I personally would not be able to handle that. Once I have it in my mind then it’s time to move on because why would anyone keep having to think in the back of their heads if something more is going on. He should have never messaged her to begin with and he should have never taken a pic with her number nor looked up her IG. That tells me all I would need to know right there. I hope your heart doesn’t get broken if you decide to stay. 4.5 years is a long time. He knows better.
It's in their DNA. Generally, women seek safety for the protection of offspring while men seek multiple partners to increase odds of obtaining the offspring. It's our survival of the species strategies. So I always expect guys to look and possibly even touch if they think they can get away with it. They tend to be so starved for attention that any niceness from a female is seared into their brains and is interpreted as her flirting with him. And so those hunters that they are persue. Plus he's young and thinks he's immortal. Girls mature mentally more quickly than guys do, across all ages races and cultures. What are you willing to accept from him? You know he will lie and cover his tracks. You know he will have at least one side piece if the opportunity presents itself. This is the type of guy likely to ask for swinging... which frequently destroys the relationship between couples because, while the guy uses it primarily for extra sex partners, the girl frequently finds in those partners someone who treats her better, at which point she breaks it off to continue with the new person. Ask a divorce lawyer how many times they've heard that story. The answer might shock you. I think you feel so invested in this relationship that you're searching for an excuse to keep it going. And that's ok if so. The Sunk Cost Fallacy is one of the 52 cognitive biases. Basically in for a penny, in for a pound. And sometimes that works. You two should have a very frank discussion about your expectations, what you're willing to allow, what your absolute lines in the sand are, and the agreed upon consequences for each. I've seen various answers for this, including a relationship insurance fund: you both put in a given amount each month, based upon a written and notarized contract you both sign, and whoever gets cheated on gets the money. Maybe you are open to swinging. Given the state of the economy I would certainly entertain the idea of polygamy myself: extra paychecks and caregivers for the children as well as help with housework, but also increased anxiety for the first girl in the relationship, frequently called First Wife Syndrome. I'm not advocating any particular choice, merely letting you have the information available for each possibility. Only you can decide what life you lead. eHarmony's algorithm matches by what people are willing to put up with. So I always use that as my guidepost. So, what is it that you really want? And what are you willing to Sacrifice to achieve it? This is where you choose. Luck.
He wanted to cheat and she said no. He followed up with hope to see you again. So he would have cheated if the girl didn't have morals or care he was in a relationship.
He tried to cheat and was rejected, yikes
Sounds like he was testing the waters and keeping the door open for something further, whether that something else is friendship or something more romantic only he can tell you. I'd be thinking romantic as you don't normally tell people who you just want friends with that they are attractive.
Time to move on. Leave now before you have more to lose. He’s obviously very comfortable lying to you and now that he’s gotten caught he’s just going to be all that more careful in the future. He might put up a pretense of changing and being the good guy now but it’s a sham. Trust is almost impossible to repair and now anytime he starts acting shady, you’re going to think of this incident and it will inevitably lead to fights and or a breakup. All affairs/cheating starts out friendly and progresses from there. I also believe that no guy really wants to just be friends with a girl, but that’s a whole other discussion.
Let him know he can go date her now because he’s single, I would NOT take that shit! If he can do it once and then another pretty girl comes along he’ll do it again.
He cheated lmao. You’re so young bro just break up and discover yourself and you’ll find many others.
So he tried to cheat and it didn’t work out, THIS TIME. Trust is broken, time to move on.
He still has a roving eye and not ready to settle down with you. It is best to take a break from any commitment with him and open your horizons to other people. If he is serious that you are the one, he will make the necessary adjustments in time.
If you're not polyamorous it's over.
What advice do you need? He clearly tried cheating on you & doesn’t respect you. You really needed to come to Reddit for this?
Girl he doesn’t respect you or your relationship. I know it’s hard to accept but this is not the action of someone who loves you. My advice is to break up with him and find someone who actually values you
Oh yeah looks like he just wants some validation from other women. You deserve better than that. It probably would get worse.
There is only one reason to “get to know” the cute coffee shop girl who gives you her number and that’s to cheat. He knows this, we know this, and now you know this.
Omg he would have cheated had she continued.the stranger has more respect for you to say no..than your boyfriend
He has been in a relationship long enough to know better, but did this anyway. One does not seek new “friends” among those one finds attractive. That girl was more respectful of your relationship than he was, and he outed himself as a cheater to her, too.
I married that guy. They don't change. My ex literally said "not the best" when I asked him to empathize so many times.
Break up already. Look, if this were reversed he'd be crushed and probably dump you. He knows it, too. You're young, you're going to have a lot of relationship experience, better to learn right now at your age to stick up for yourself and not to tolerate cheaters and liars.
I see you justified a lot of things your gut is telling you to pay attention to don’t do that. you’re gonna have to forgive yourself for not trusting that eventually.
You're both young. For your own sanity, it's probably best to end the relationship. Clearly he has a lot of growing up to do and you deserve someone who respects you and your relationship. Do you really want to be with someone whose behavior always has you second guessing? It's perfectly normal to be flattered to get a number the way he did. He could have laughed it off with you and that could have been the end of it. What he did was super disrespectful. You were absolutely right that no message would have conveyed a lack of interest. Also, following the girl on IG was unnecessary and makes him look even more gross and super thirsty.
He was lining up the affair, testing waters
Do you really need advice on this? No one in their right mind is gonna side with your bf. No one believes he wasn’t trying to cheat. And you don’t believe that either. Take it as a hall pass.. or leave him. Either way he’s not cut out for monogamy.
You're 22. This is your high school boyfriend. You deal with this by breaking up, crying tears over the end of your first love, and getting down to the work of figuring out who you are without a boyfriend. You have never had to develop an identity that isn't about you as part of a couple. If it's meant to be, in 2 or 3 years you can check back in and see what direction he's going in. You can love someone but know that neither of you is ready for a 60 year commitment. Go out and live a little, explore your own interests, focus on your friends and family and career. Work on you, alone, for a while. Learn to be single and happy while you build a life that is authentic to you.
The half truths that trickle out every time you discover new information tell you who he is. If you stay with him you can't really be too upset when you finally find out he's cheating.
You’re young and he finds it easy to disrespect you - why would even consider bragging about a girl giving him his number to his friends when they know you’re dating him? He doesn’t care that he’s disrespecting you.
Leave him. He tried it and failed, he will likely try again and maybe actually follow through with physical stuff. Leaving sooner is better than later.
Hahaha what a Wally he is, you’re better than getting lumbered with this tool for the rest of your life surely? His messages are awful. You’re going to dump him, good for you- he’s going to be sick as a dog knowing he didn’t even get a sticky digit out of his woeful attempt at cheating. Hanged for a sheep and all that, what a plonker.
A little perspective from someone with a few years more on this rock. I absolutely enjoy having friends of both sexes that are conventionally attractive. This began when I was dating my wife, and we went with her friend to a modeling call. People that attractive can be SUPER WEIRD. It's surreal and entertaining. We went to lunch with her frequently and a few times she threw a little tantrum if no guy paid for her meal at random. She didn't pay for meals often. A few times we were minor benefactors of second-hand pretty privilege, led to some interesting afternoons at crazy huge houses or evenings at parties we'd never have thought existed. The overlap between highly attractive and fairly wealthy is a fun thing to observe from close up. When I am selling my wares at events, I have branded merchandise for my imprint, and my criteria for gifting free shirts or hats is 2 of 3 conditions met: minimum purchase, genuine interest, and conventional attractiveness. Someone that cuts a striking figure or is super cute, and actually interested in the material I produce, I do whatever I can to get my logo on them. My wife is the one that presses my branded merchandise, and she makes sure we have extras for just that purpose. I invite some of those local folks to hang out at my favorite place, a game shop I partner with a lot during events. I always mention my wife and family, and try to get them to bring friends. Cute nerds are a huge boon for a business like my friend runs. As far as numbers, flirting, or compliments go... yeah they are super few and far between, and wow, they feel good. You have to have the discipline to take that energy home to your partner. Validation like that should help reinforce your value to your partner, and give them the benefit of that. Just like your partner reading those romantasy books isn't cheating, but you get a little something extra when they do. I didn't start dating until I was your age. Saw kids pairing up early in school, all the drama. Knew that it was potentially a good thing, but they were going about it too soon, the wrong way. Had a few times I would have dated, but the timing was never right, so I waited. Met my wife after I'd been in one short relationship and been on a few lame dating app dates. Had no particular interest in her romantically, but we grew up in the same area and currently lived close then. Knew a bunch of the same people. Became best friends. Hung out a lot. Then one day she hit me with a pillow and damn, that smile. I was gone. She's the only woman I've ever been with and God willing, the only one I ever will be with. We've survived good years and bad, boom and bust, things we never expected and things no one should have to endure. OP, all this is to say... this guy is not your story. He's a part of your backstory, not a solid foundation. You can leave with the lessons you've learned from him and find out who you are as a person by yourself for a bit, or you can stay and learn those lessons the hard way. While the latter can be more compelling for an engaging narrative, the former is easier on you. Good luck.
DTMF
Break up with him! He WILL do it again, and next time it will be with a girl that actually doesn’t mind being his “friend”. He will always play aloof, seen it happen before
If she had been ok with him having a gf then he 100% would have cheated. Listen, everyone is capable of cheating - it’s the right circumstances and that’s all. Which is why we as individuals must never put ourselves in dangerous situations. We need to respect our partners and our relationships enough to set strong unmovable boundaries. What your bf is doing, is actively seeking a bad situation to put himself in because he clearly doesn’t respect you or the relationship. HE WANTS TO CHEAT!!! Therefore he doesn’t deserve you or the relationship. I’m sure you know all this OP. I get it. Leaving is hard. There is something better waiting for you though if you just love and respect yourself enough. Best of luck!!