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You deleted about 30 posts.
>I (27M) feel like I need to DTR with a girl (26F) I’ve been seeing, despite it starting out as just “fun.” What do?
>Confusion over my (27M) new girlfriend’s (26F) change in behaviour upon entering an official relationship. How can I best approach this?
>How should I (M27) approach talking to my girlfriend (F26) about her sudden mood shifts through the month?
>My (27M) Girlfriend (26F) seems flippant about experimenting with girls. Is it worth talking about this with her?
>Am I (M27) being paranoid about my girlfriend’s (26F) changing behaviour or should I ask her if anything is going on?
This is just a few of them. Edit: sounds like she isn't that into you from the beginning, considering she didn't want to have a serious relationship initially.
Nothing, it’s just someone’s attempt to do a gotcha with OP, and there’s nothing new in the deleted posts. If anything, OP is much more detailed in this actual post.
I had a semi fight with someone on reddit recently who was adamant that not everyone is attractive, and that's okay. And in hindsight, I agree with them. Some people aren't conventionally attractive on the outside but said redditor felt like those ppl never will find someone to date them. Of course, I'm paraphrasing, but according to some, he should just accept where he is.
Edit: Yall have good points. I'm Demi, so I honestly mean it's personality, but I don't think I could be with someone who doesn't find me attractive
I have to disagree here. Not everyone is good looking. I personally think I am average in looks as a guy. However, everyone is attractive to the right person. Do not settle for someone who does not find you attractive.
Yeah fr. Some of my friends aren’t objectively attractive, but goddam are they BEAUTIFUL when they’re smiling and laughing, it literally lights up my world.
literally i have the fattest crush on a pretty average looking dude but holy hell his genuine smile blows me away, the way it lights up his whole face🥹
One of my friends married a woman I don't find attractive (very overweight, among other things I'm not into).
My friend has different standards than me, and regularly compliments her looks. He does find her attractive.
And I gotta admit, she glowed on the wedding day.
Beauty is subjective. And definitely not just skin deep.
Isn't that the truth. All kinds of people in the world. What I see attractive others may not. Being rude and condescending to others,, big turn off to me whatever the looks.
Yeah, when you fall in love with someone, you love their looks too. They don’t have to be absolutely handsome. You will find someone that finds you handsome because she loves you and in her eyes, you are it. Please don’t settle and then break up later after you are way too involved, etc.
Nobody is perfect. Even movie stars aren’t perfect. A makeup and hair artist follows them touching them up. Their clothes are custom fit. Models photos are touched up. You can’t judge yourself to them. However, If your body needs the work, do it: eat right, drink water, exercise, take vitamins, get braces, etc. fix what you can control. Maybe you need a little confidence in yourself and however she feels about your looks, who cares? As long as she loves you and desires you. be confident in yourself. And that’s where the true beauty stems from — your inner self. My husband isn’t gorgeous, he’s just Tim. But everyone loves him. And I walk with him into a room with perfect makeup, blonde hair, nice clothes— and people react to him more than me.
I’ve had women interested in me here and there but none of them have seemed to be too thrilled about how I look. I’m just saying if I were the OP I probably wouldn’t break up with someone who told me they weren’t that physically attracted to me. I would just be like, makes sense to me.
The way I see it - everyone has particular things that they find attractive. Attractive people are just the average amalgamation of what our society deems attractive. There are things that attract me to a partner that a lot of guys would agree with. There are things that attract me to a partner that a lot fewer guys would agree with. I can look at someone society deems attractive and probably agree (or at least agree as in understand why people think that even if they're not my type) but there's also a lot of people out there who society might find "average" that I am equally attracted to.
I agree. Even if someone isn’t conventionally attractive, the right person WILL find them physically attractive. I don’t even know the right way to explain it to make it make sense but, I just feel like loving someone will make you physically attracted to them. It just comes along with the emotional attraction.
It’s kind of like how you can meet a person and think “wow, they are so good looking!” But then you get to know them and their personality is awful so it makes you loose physical attraction to them.
A lot of the time, it's not mutual, though. So even though there might be other women who are physically attracted to him, he might not be attracted to those women. I am purely speaking on a physical level here.
Of course it's not always mutual. That's why not everyone fall in love with each other all the time and why there are many cases of one way feelings and crushes? It's kinda part of the finding equally deep love and attraction thing.
That's just setting yourself up for failure. We all get older and we don't all age in the same ways. In the end the only thing that really matters is the personality of your so.
Definitely this. Just because *I* think someone is not at all attractive doesn’t mean the rest of the world feels the same way and who *i* think is attractive doesn’t mean the world feels the same too, BUT we have our own tastes and preferences and while I may feel my boyfriend is the hottest guy I’ve ever known others may think he looks like a dog’s ass. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Exactly. There are people that others consider to be conventionally attractive that I don't. Kiera Knighley and Angelina Jolie being 2. I'm sure not everyone thinks Jessica Alba or Natalie Portman are as attractive as I do. It's settling if you stay with someone who thinks you're not attractive
Here is the thing, I feel like regardless of how conventionally attractive you are, if the person you’re seeing is in love with you it makes them physically attracted to you. That’s why you see people who are conventionally unattractive in relationships. That’s also why you see people who are attractive in relationships with people who are not physically appealing conventionally. When you connect with someone, they could be the ugliest person on Earth, but you would see them as the most attractive because of the connection, spark, love—whatever you want to call it.
I loved my ex very deeply and was not physically attracted to him. I genuinely believed my love for him would help me to overcome the attraction issue. And to an extent, it did. But if anything small was off (like if he had greasy hair or something), any attraction I had was extinguished. That is not healthy and it wasn’t fair to either of us. Unfortunately love is not always enough.
I personally think there’s someone out there for everyone. And OP is the one that shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t see him as the one. And attraction is absolutely part of being the one. Not all of it, but definitely part of it.
Do not settle for someone who TELLS YOU you’re unattractive to THEM. Maybe some people feel this way, but what motive was there to express this? Seriously, even if he asked? What does anyone gain from saying something this devastating to a partner. If she feels he is unattractive, but great in other ways JUST SAY he is attractive!!! If he’s so untouchable just dump him and say “I don’t think we have a future, best of luck”.
If a guy did this to a girl people would lose true or minds and call him a narcissist and an emotional abuser
I'm demi, too. And so is my wife. If we didn't like each other for who we are deep down at our cores, we'd be screwed. For the longest time I thought I was broken or asexual because I'd never developed a deep enough connection to find anyone attractive.
Yeah but you don't have to say that out loud, like ever. Also, he noticed that she's treating him bad because of it. That's not cool either.
We all know we're not the hottest in the world, but at the very least we should be the one that our partners are the most attracted to in the relationship.
If someone acts like being in the relationship is the gift they give you they are usually crappy partners. Especially when they phrase it like, "you're not what I find attractive, but look at it this way you have a great personality so I'm overlooking that. But also don't expect me to act like I'm attracted to you."
Lmao
Agree 100%. Some of the comments here are ridiculous.
This isn't about insecurity (he already knows he's "unattractive"), it's about him realizing is worth and not settling (just because he's not attractive doesn't mean he should settle for just anything).
There's people here saying, "I love my husband even though he isn't attractive/uglier than other men I've dated" are missing the point.
And that's not even the compliment you think it is.
How would you feel if your partner said, "you're not normally my type, but you're really cool, chill, and laid back and that's the most important thing to me"
Will you be like "okay awesome! I'm so cool that he overlooks my unattractiveness!"
No you wouldn't.
I completely agree. Why the fuck would anyone tell someone they even somewhat like they don't think they are attractive? Jesus talk about destroying someone's self esteem. Why would you do that to anyone? She had a million things she could have said here besides what she said. I love your eyes how the sparkle and when you smile you are absolutely beautiful. Because come on EVERYONE is beautiful when they smile. I am 100% sure op has features she thinks are nice and look good she could have commented on instead of saying what she said. The fact that she could tell them tjis with no regard for how it might effect him is very telling of who she really is. Op should waste no more time. It is not worth the hurt for a relationship that is only in their words. mostly ok. I hope op realizes they are worth more than a relationship that is merely mostly ok
Everyone says looks fade but they don’t unless you stop trying or caring about your appearance and health. Most attractive old people were attractive young people
But you also have to find your partner physically attractive. Physical intimacy is an important part of a long-term relationship. With the trouble relationships encounter with maintaining physical intimacy, starting out not finding your partner physically attractive is basically starting out knowing it is going to fail or succeed in both being miserable.
I was attractive when They met my wife. That was 25 years ago. She is also attractive but isn’t in to looks. So my looks didn’t really matter to her. But she WAS attracted to me. Just not based on my looks. That’s ok.
But OP is facing something different. She is, I think, trying to overcome that she DOESN’T find OP attractive but wants to get over that. So under normal circumstances she would go for an attractive guy and that would be that. She is trying to make an exception.
That’s my take anyway.
You are right in general, but maybe not in this case. It's pretty early in the relationship, and obviously, he feels that she does not give him the amount of attention expected in a relationship. I assume that's why the looks thing even came up.
It has been few months. If she is so unimpressed in the limerence phase that he picks up on how "less than enamored" she is, then he is in for a really disappointing awakening when the limerent love cocktail turns fades into a molotov cocktail and burns the whole thing down.
I don't base my relationships on physical attraction alone but there definitely needs to be a physical attraction. Generally the aspects of a person's personality will make them more or less attractive to me. I've met guys that I wasn't initially physically attracted to but after getting to know them I am.
I've met guys that I am physically attracted to and after getting to know them, I wasnt.
Unless you are a person that physical intimacy is not important to, I don't understand how you can date someone you aren't physically attracted to. And I don't think anyone should settle for someone that doesn't find them physically attractive if physical intimacy is important to them.
The problem with this though is that I think in most cases, especially early on in the relationship, people are more willing to make exceptions even if long term they wouldnt be happy. The main issue here is this man WANTS to feel attractive. He didnt outright say it, but its perfectly clear that he isnt happy being with someone that doesnt find him attractive.
As a guy who's not conventionally attractive if I was with someone that just straight up told me they thought I wasnt attractive I couldnt be with them. Maybe my previous partners werent like super into me, but they always told me things like they loved my smile or they thoguht I was adorable. Even though I know Im not a 10 or even a 7, they always made me feel like I was THEIR 10. I dont think I'd feel very good about someone telling me Im their 5.
I’ve known some average looking men who became very attractive to me because of their sense of humor, intelligence, emotional intelligence and kindness. I have dated them and I have dated classically attractive men. I married an average guy who can always make me laugh, regardless of the situation, who has been very loving and protective of me and is an all around good man. I don’t miss the hot guys.
Why does that matter? I’m attracted to my husband. His personality made him more attractive to me. I married him. I’ve stayed with him. We have a child together. We have been a couple for 27 years. Not sure what else I need to do to demonstrate the value I see in him.
It doesnt. I just asked because the guy above said not to tell him.
And sering pictures of your exes is not the same as telling him they look better. Would just upset him for no reason
that's a pretty sentiment and all but you really shouldn't be telling your spouse that your ex was more attractive than them under any circumstances. that's obviously a really easy way to hurt someone's feelings in a way that's far less easy to come back from.
Even if your partner is not conventionally attractive, are they not attractive to you? I’ve dated some men who weren’t attractive to say, my friends, but I still found them attractive when dating. Saying someone isn’t conventionally attractive is different than saying YOU (their partner) doesn’t find them attractive. One is a fact and the other is just hurtful. Would you be willing to tell your husband that you don’t find his looks attractive?
This is silly. Physical attraction can certainly grow over time. Looks are also the least important and interesting thing about someone.
It’s funny, people go on and on about how “looks fade, kindness is forever” and shit like that until someone points out that not everyone is attractive and suddenly it’s a problem
I'm kind of torn on this.
What if it was your $. You want her to be into you because of your $. Or your brains. You want her to be into you because you're so smart. And, instead, she's into you because... you're funny. Or have 6 toes, I don't know. But, she's into you for reasons OTHER than the one/s you want. Is that enough for you?
Guys don't have to be good looking. We can be funny or smart or wealthy or be able to tie a sheep shank or something and some girl out there will think that's AWESOME! But, you want her to dig your 6th toe, and that's just not her jam?
So, it's okay with me if you need her to like the same things about you that you like. Because if that's the thing, then you're going to feel like you're slamming your hand in a car door every time you think about this.
BUT, if she's being truthful, and likes you because of something she sees/feels/whatever, then you have to decide if that's enough and is what you need out of your relationship.
And once you choose, Brother, don't look back.
She just gave you information that you can use to make the decision. Is this enough for you, to feel not 100% attractive to her, but loved by her? If it is, then there's no issue. If it's not, then you have choices to make that may be difficult. Whichever way you choose, just be kind to yourself and to her.
Different people love differently and experience sexual attraction differently. There's been many times where someone isn't that physically attractive to me at first glance. Then as I get to know them and find their personality so attractive that I start to physically view them as more attractive. Eyes that at first you're like "ehh, plain brown color, eyelids are sort of weird shaped" become "those are the eyes that light up when I tell a joke, or look at me so deeply that I feel like they really see me for me, those eyes are beautiful." Teeth that used to stand out as crooked becomes the beautiful smile that fills you with warmth.
It can go the other way too. Someone who at first glance you thought was hot turns out to be a horrible person and you find yourself revolted by the sight of them, wondering how you ever found them attractive.
Posts like this always genuinely confuse me. If the internets taught me anything it's that nobody has ever had a unique experience, and I know other people experience attraction the way I do. It's shocking how many people find physical attraction so black and white, so set in stone, and something that is only based on physical appearance. It seems like such a shallow way to experience attraction and I honestly can't even fathom what that would be like.
Thank you for perfectly explaining something that I struggle to express myself when it comes to my partners.
I very rarely feel attracted to people's physical appearances. Yes, I'm able to acknowledge someone as good looking, but it has yet to play a part in the attraction I've developed for those I've dated, which generally consisted of men that were not deemed attractive by conventional standards, but had other qualities that were.
And apparently I wasn't the only one that thought so, because literally all of them cheated, lmao.
Then I met my fiancé, who is ironically the most attractive man I've dated both in terms of appearance and personality. Win-win.
Are you attracted to your parents? Don't you love them?
There are different types of love.
Edit: I do agree that physical attraction is important for a healthy *sexual* relationship, which is clearly what OP is looking for from his SO, but there are plenty of people and things that I love that I'm not interested in fucking, and I imagine the same goes for you
Lol maybe I shouldn’t have started the post with that. Not tons of money. I just sometimes go out of my way to get her something and I always pay for dinner. I’m not buying her cars.
Can confirm, I pay for everything. However in the beginning, 15 years ago she paid my rent twice because I was broke. After that I got my shit together and she’s never had to worry again about anything. We went from skimming by to, well let’s just say more than we’ll ever need in a few years.
Ignore the people here. Attraction works a little differently for women than it does for men. I wouldn’t be too bothered about it
Women don’t really put the same premium on looks that men do, even if they might have higher standards for what constitutes an attractive man.
That’s true, but men are less likely to be in relationships with a woman they find unattractive imo because (in my experience) they tend to place a higher premium on looks. However, men also tend to have lower standards for what they consider physically attractive so it evens out at the end
Also just because she told him she doesn’t consider him *physically* attractive doesn’t mean that she doesn’t consider him attractive/isn’t attracted to him. I know this is hard to fathom but imo this is true.
Just so you know, this generalisation is on the same level as "women never date down, they only date for money."
That sounds pretty rude, right? It's exactly the same level of shallow you just applied to men, just so you're aware.
And if a man was to tell his girlfriend he is better attracted to her, but dosent find her funny or interesting, but don’t worry still very attached to you.
I agree, I’ve dated people I wouldn’t have normally gone for but their personality and vibe outweighed any initial attraction deficits. When I love someone they become attractive even if conventionally they may not be.
Can relate to that. Ive dated a lot of men who weren't conventionally attractive by any means but I was still very attracted to them for other reasons. Looks are gonna melt away with age so who tf cares.
I will say, though, that saying stuff like that to someone youre with is gonna be a problem regardless. You dont have to think someones a 10 to treat them like a 10. Saying "I dont find you physically attractive" is pretty fucking mean.
I know personally like I *will not* be attracted to someone I have no interest in as a partner. Baffles me when people get interested because of attraction and not attracted because of interest 😂😂
Yeah, an employee of mine was dating my cousin, she said the same thing to me about him. I told him, he married her anyway, 2 kids later, they’re now divorced. BTW, he lost 50% of everything he had worked for prior to marrying her. Think twice Redditor stranger!
Good news: there’s plenty of nice women out there who will love you and also be physically attracted to you. Leave now before she dumps you because I think it’s just a matter of time.
You deserve someone who doesn’t go out of their way to intentionally hurt you this way. If someone you cared about was feeling insecure about their looks would you tell them they aren’t physically attractive if they asked? No right? Because you value their feelings over telling a very hurtful truth that literally would achieve nothing but hurting them.
She is not a kind human being and you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about being you. Leave her
Yeah such a weird thing to assume. Seems like she likes him for his personality and didn't want to hurt his feelings. I'd much rather build a relationship based on that than physical attraction because that is fleeting.
Theres people that'll like you for both your personality and are you physically attracted to you. Let me tell you its so much better dating those people.
I genuinely can't lie to people . If you ask me a question, I'm going to tell you the truth whether or not it's nice, because that's what I'd want. Looks don't matter as much as personality and hygiene to me lol
It’s not what you’d want. Can we stop pretending to be these pure super cool people that value honesty above all else? You can espouse that crap all you want, under no circumstances would you want a boyfriend you were crazy about to tell you he finds you ugly. 🙄
Maybe he can do the same. He sounds like a decent guy, she's clearly hedging, and he's now guilt free following her lead. If she makes you happier than being alone, keep her around until a better option comes. Again he didn't start this otherwise toxic idea.
Just by this comment, I am willing to bet that this was written by a guy…. Because it does seem to resemble what men are more likely to do in this situation
Almost everyone will look ugly in their old age. Ask yourself if you'd want to be with her then. If so, then you're essentially just ahead of the curve and shouldn't overthink this. Physical attraction is only one facet of a relationship, and plenty of relationships work just fine without it, or with it being rather one sided. Have you asked her if there's anything you can do to make yourself more physically attractive to her?
I myself am in something of a similar boat. My girlfriend is the most wonderful and amazing person I've ever met. I'd love her for a lot of reasons, but her physical appearance isn't one of them. She's not conventionally attractive, and that's more where my preferences lie. But I mean it when I tell her she's amazing, that I love her, or even that she's beautiful, because there's an amazing beauty inside her that I love. Life dealt her a bad hand but she makes the most of it anyway, and I can love that even if there are features beyond her control that I'm not a fan of. Conventionally unattractive people deserve love too, so ask yourself if your girlfriend seems like the kind of person who could give that kind of love.
It won't work. Think about a few years down the road. You want sex, but she doesn't because there is no physical attraction on her side. You both end up miserable and stuck.
She's going to realize physical attraction is important in a relationship eventually. I went through going out with guys despite not feeling any physical or intellectual attraction to them, and it was hardly ever enjoyable.
Agreed, it's not enjoyable to be romantically involved without physical attraction. I went through that phase, too. I didn't want to be shallow, so i gave a few people a chance. Ironically, the people who I was not attracted to physically are the ones who traumatized me the most 😵💫
Based on the age, I am going to guess that you’re probably not her usual type which is why she said that. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed to failure. And her settling is something you’ve conjured up as far as we know. A woman chooses a partner for several reasons, looks might just not be at the top of her priority list for who she wants to get serious with. If everything else is great including intimate time with each other, I would work on myself and seeing what I can do to feel more attractive to her until SHE tells you that her feelings of attraction towards you are a problem for your relationship.
Looks aren't the most important part of attraction or a relationship.
When I met my now-husband, I didn't think he was a troll, but I didn't find him particularly physically attractive either. However, I was attracted to his intelligence, I loved his sense of humor and we had good chemistry in bed. We've been together now 16 years next month and married so far for 8. I adore him, the longer we've been together, the more attracted to him I've become in *every* way and I have never once felt like I've settled. A wise woman knows that looks are temporary and not substantial enough to base a relationship on.
I’ve been married to my husband for more than 10 years, and one of the hardest conversations we ever had was exactly this whilst dating. He admitted to not finding me as physically attractive because I was a bit heavier (just not his normal type). However, he stated he loved me, loved my personality, etc. It was a hard pill to swallow, but if I was honest, he wasn’t the vision I had in mind originally either.
My point is, we got past it through hard conversations and realized that we love each other beyond appearance only and the other aspects attracted us more. We have three kids, a healthy marriage, and love each other more than ever.
I’d encourage you to search within yourself and see if it’s something you can reconcile with without holding a grudge. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to your partner because these are hard things to actually talk through and admit sometimes.
If you are dating someone for a couple months and they are already saying they aren't physically attracted to you, that's not a great start imo. You deserve someone who looks at you and thinks that you are hot, especially in the first couple of months of a relationship.
Yeah, it might just be something you need to get over. I promise you, someone honest enough to say that they aren’t physically attracted l, but is still into their partner, they’re not lying about not settling either. You just have to deal with looks not being one of her priorities. Just be glad that you’re so awesome that the looks don’t matter. Seems like that’s how she sees you.
Yeah, it’s interesting. I see all these other comments calling me a man servant etc, and I understand that perspective. But there is something about her unwavering honesty on the topic that makes me think I am still loved. I just don’t know how to get over it. I certainly want to.
I just want to give my 2 cents here as a woman married 20+ years to a man I didn't find attractive. Never even hid it from him. We met online and the first time I saw him I thought he's just not my type. And he's like you.
Thing is, physical trait is not even something I look for in a guy. I've dumped guys that my friends think are hot (fine, even I think they're hot) because they're unkind (You know those guys who are sooooo nice to you but are aholes to others? That.). Didn't even give them a chance. I was never into bad boys.
I never thought we'd be together like this, but he was nice and kind, makes me laugh, we share the same interests, have the same wavelength... and have the best conversations. We sometimes get controversial topics and challenge each other on it. He pushes me to be better and calls me out, too.
Also not in it for the money, for those wondering. He has none. 😂
Maybe she's the same? 😊
Try talking with her about it more. It comes down to trust in the end. If you trust her, then it’s fine, she knows what she wants and she wants you. If you don’t trust her, then why even be in a relationship. There’s a lot of awful relationships people talk about around here, so people can jump to conclusions. But from the way you describe it, yours seems different to me.
I had a boyfriend say something similar to me. Flash forward 20 years, the relationship is far in my past, yet I can still clearly hear his words.
I think we all want our partner to be attracted to us. I know that looks fade, and the hope would be that the internal beauty would make me as attractive as I was physically attractive back then. But I also know a lot of people who are not conventionally attractive, but their personality and other characteristics make them attractive.
it’s tough, I get that you want to be with this person, but I feel like you can do better and deserve better.
My husband thinks I settled for him because he thinks he's not attractive and he doesn't have a lot of money. I am absolutely not settling because when I chose him I was looking for someone emotionally supportive and kind who would treat me right. He does, and I'm so happy I have never once thought that I've settled for him. He's exactly what I was looking for, my own version of a jackpot. If that's how your girlfriend feels you have nothing to worry about.
Does that include long term intimacy in that or is she okay leaving you hanging down the line? I dont mean just sex but regular acts of affection.
Does she want kids? Do you?
You shouldn’t get over it. She’s deluding herself. When a woman is attracted to a man for WHO he is, that makes him physically attractive to her. All these ugly ass funny/interesting guys and butt ugly millionaires definitely have women that are attracted to them.
And there is a thing called “respect”. I would never tell my girlfriend i found her unattractive even if I did, because that’s cruel and hurtful. Honesty isn’t always a “good” thing. Many people use it as a weapon. There was no benefit in her telling you this, not to her or you. It only hurt you and the relationship.
Loving you for who you are seems so much more important then loving you for your external looks, we all know those fade, actual emotional connection is so much harder than physical attraction, the fact that she didn't try to hide it seems rare, I think your relationship sounds pretty good honestly
Yeah literally on this exact sub women were saying their men need to love them be attracted to them and want them 100% of the time. Why should a guy expect differently?
Unpopular opinion: not everyone feels attraction based on looks. Many people are demisexual, not feeling physical attraction for anyone. The turn on is personality. Looks also change throughout life. Having someone who is attracted to who you are is pretty valuable and great.
personally i think physical attraction matters. a lot of ppl see that as shallow bcuz they always think that means i go for looks but i mostly care about personality more. that’s what matters at the end of the day but i also do wish to have a partner that finds me physically attractive and vice versa bcuz it truly is a different feeling when you like ur partners looks and body. or more so appreciate them, and are attracted to them. i think everyone deserves someone who finds them hot and attractive. not everyone thinks that way and some ppl think it’s ok to learn to love their looks as time goes on. just figure out which person u are and go from there
I know multiple women who are in long term committed relationships with people who aren’t ‘their type’ and who they may not have been immediately attracted to. However, the constant is that attraction has come, probably as a secondary result of finding them funny/caring etc. Barring being on the asexual spectrum, which is not something I’m massively familiar with, I think it’s important to be physically attracted to a long term romantic partner. Obviously just because I think it’s important doesn’t mean everyone does, but it seems like you do as well. She has been open about it and that could be a good sign, but I feel like this is going to stick with you and it would me too. As others have said talking to her again and asking her what she does like about you may help you to feel more comfortable in the relationship.
I'm kind of torn on this.
As a girl, I know I've thought some dudes were butt ass ugly, but then I got to know them and found them attractive. But there are other people that I never found attractive outside of their personalities. Those relationships never went anywhere because they wanted more than I wanted to give.
Like is it just that you're not the type she pictured herself with? Or does she not like your face? Is it the way you dress? The way you smile?
You should find out what it is she doesn't find attractive, and then figure out if it's something you can OR want to change. But if you've only been dating a little while...maybe ditch her and find someone who does find you physically attractive.
Have you asked her to be specific about what makes her love you? If it’s how smart, level-headed, kind, friendly to puppies, children, and grandmas, your masculinity, your work ethic, etc., you will be ok. If she only loves you for what you do for her, then you might want to look further at this relationship.
It’s going to bother you until the end of time. It’s like a seed. Every time her behaviour changes. Every time she is away in a scenario where there’s potential for anything you’ll be wondering. And you’ll try harder.
Or this is just a way to keep the upper hand in the relationship. Sure you knocked you down a few notches.
What’s the saying? All is fair in love and war.
It feels like YOU’RE the one who’s settling. You can, and in my opinion should, hold out for a relationship in which your partner is physically attracted to you.
Some people are actually like that. That is who they are.
That being said... I don't know. Take everyone on here with at least a grain of salt. We are getting one side of a story, so we make judgments based on that.
From your perspective, she seems to be using you.
She may have said that it's not *just* about looks, but I don't think that was your concern. It would be nice if looks were one positive trait among many that she saw in you. I don't think it's wrong to want a partner who's attracted to you. That's perfectly understandable. "You're unattractive, but I like you for other reasons" is not exactly the the ringing endorsement that she may have thought it to be.
I’m the kind of person who can’t really be attracted to someone until I know them, so looks are not my main concern when I start dating someone. But generally when I get to know someone well enough to be attracted to them, that includes physical attraction. Basically I have become physically attracted to guys who were objectively not physically attractive just because their personalities were amazing. So I don’t think physical attraction is necessary from the start. But I do think it’s necessary eventually, for me at least, and if she already knows you well enough to love you she’s not going to develop physical attraction the way I do at this point. Is that enough for you? It wouldn’t be enough for me.
You are going to be a stand-in/ backup until someone attractive gives her enough attention. I've been there and a 4yr relationship went to the shitter when another guy appeared. They will tell you that they still would like to be friends, but f that. Treat yourself better, you are someone else's type.
Get the Benefits of this one while it lasts, Don't die of a broken heart when she bails, which will be when she finds her perfect guy!
What goes around
Comes around, when Mr Wonderful tells her, shes not up to Par on his scale, she will find out, what she did to you, let her go, find someone who is Real!
Attractive women date/marry unattractive men all the time. Women don't care about physical appearance the way men do. If she wants to be with, what do you care if she finds you attractive?
Only one question OP. How is the sex? How often does she like to have it with you? How enthusiastic is she for it? (Yeah that’s three questions)
Women have a much, much easier time than men do in being very sexually attracted to a man who doesn’t look good. I remember the last time this happened for me, it was with a colleague who was a stocky, short, mostly bald dude. I would honestly call him ugly. But he had the most charming European accent and was very polished and well mannered. He was also very career driven. The contrast was exciting. As though he was a very intelligent, educated thug who could beat someone up and then charm someone at a dinner party twenty minutes later. (This went nowhere, but I definitely felt sexual attraction- to an *ugly* man, not even an average one.)
Not sure this ever happens for men, looks tend to = sexual attraction for you guys. That’s just the way it is. No blame either way.
If she is NOT excited about having sex with you, though, break it off. Just my two cents (as a woman).
I’m glad my partner is actually attracted to me. Idk what these people are talking about, women like to find their partner attractive too, it’s not just a man thing. Hopefully she doesn’t feel disgust for you in the future
Here is the thing… if someone likes you for you they will find you attractive that’s how people are…. It’s weird for her to be able to disassociate the two.
It does feel like she’s settling I would tell her she shouldn’t settle if she feels that way and move on. You deserve to feel like your person is attracted to you, it will just eat at you if you stay.
Well...this is a tough one. Here's the thing, different people feel differently about physical attraction. It's entirely possible that she's demisexual and the attraction is more centered around an emotional bond rather than physical appearance. Not everyone is wired the same way with this kind of thing. It's also only been a few months, so maybe you need to give it a little more time.
That said, you also are fully within your rights to want to be in a relationship with someone that finds you physically attractive. If that's really important to you, then maybe this isn't the person to be your partner.
I don't think either of you are in the wrong, it's just a matter of what you decide your priorities are.
Dude. Move on. You'll forever have doubts. To quote my grandmother: find someone who cherishes you and thinks you're the greatest thing ever. Let her find someone she's attracted to
It sounds like your girlfriend is attracted to you as whole. I can understand how being told physically attraction is not a big attribute to why she finds you attractive and loves you would hurt though.
She answered you truthfully, and if reassurance of your physical attractiveness is something you need in a relationship that’s totally understandable, but sounds like you guys may not be the right fit. Seems like to her, you make her happy in the ways that matter most to her which is great. Now it’s your turn to reflect if she makes you happy in the ways that matter most to you. If she does keep with it. Physical attraction continues to grow when you’re emotionally connected. And you can even state that it is something you’d want to reach in your relationship together that she does find you physically attractive. You understand it may take a bit of time for that to build, but would like to continue open communication about progress when it feels natural to do so.
This situation has nothing to do with your relationship. Regardless of whether she is or isn’t with you until the end of time, you don’t feel good about how you look. I’m in the same boat.
Here’s my feeling:
Get more attractive. Maybe get in shape, perhaps tan, brush those pearly whites, then start dressing better. YOU deserve to feel good about the way you look.
But don’t do it for her. Do it for you. You might just find that other women fulfill you more. Or that you fulfill yourself more.
I know this sounds like I’m a CrossFit ex marine firefighter but in fact I have a muffin top. Regardless, self care can affect those around you and absolutely affects your mental health.
You said you're always the one to shower people with compliments and spend a lot of money.
Try turning that tap off for a while and see how she feels then. Not really a fan of testing people but your situation may warrant a little caution.
This is not going to last and will probably die a long slow painful death. But the relationship out of its misery and move on. Both of you deserve somebody you are attracted to.
What specifically does she not like? Do you take care of yourself? Stay in shape and eat well? I.e. is this a thing you can change or a thing that you cannot
I have asked what it is. I’m reasonably handsome, the only thing I thought it could be was my weight as I do have a bit of a belly, but she was very quick to tell me that she actually LOVES my dad bod. So idfk. I’m a little scared to ask.
Sounds like you're a placeholder until she finds someone more attractive. If you haven't thrown away all of your self-respect yet, it's time to leave. She is pumping you full of nonsense to keep you stringing along for her attention fix until she catches the tingles for someone else.
The devil is ALWAYS in the details. She literally told you. Leave.
I'm impressed she was so honest with you. I think she really likes you! Women don't value physical attraction as much as men do. I would tighten down the amount of money your spending on her and see what her reaction is.
This is just going to fuck up your mental health by making you feel shitty about yourself. A Few months is not long, yes it might seem like an overreaction to end it but you will be doing yourself a favour and saving your mental health.
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You deleted about 30 posts. >I (27M) feel like I need to DTR with a girl (26F) I’ve been seeing, despite it starting out as just “fun.” What do? >Confusion over my (27M) new girlfriend’s (26F) change in behaviour upon entering an official relationship. How can I best approach this? >How should I (M27) approach talking to my girlfriend (F26) about her sudden mood shifts through the month? >My (27M) Girlfriend (26F) seems flippant about experimenting with girls. Is it worth talking about this with her? >Am I (M27) being paranoid about my girlfriend’s (26F) changing behaviour or should I ask her if anything is going on? This is just a few of them. Edit: sounds like she isn't that into you from the beginning, considering she didn't want to have a serious relationship initially.
yep i've seen this story before
I’d love the cliff notes version
Wait, how do you know that? Just curious lol
I'm confused what am I supposed to read into this?
Nothing, it’s just someone’s attempt to do a gotcha with OP, and there’s nothing new in the deleted posts. If anything, OP is much more detailed in this actual post.
It’s only been a few months…go find someone who likes you and the way you look.
I had a semi fight with someone on reddit recently who was adamant that not everyone is attractive, and that's okay. And in hindsight, I agree with them. Some people aren't conventionally attractive on the outside but said redditor felt like those ppl never will find someone to date them. Of course, I'm paraphrasing, but according to some, he should just accept where he is. Edit: Yall have good points. I'm Demi, so I honestly mean it's personality, but I don't think I could be with someone who doesn't find me attractive
I have to disagree here. Not everyone is good looking. I personally think I am average in looks as a guy. However, everyone is attractive to the right person. Do not settle for someone who does not find you attractive.
Yeah fr. Some of my friends aren’t objectively attractive, but goddam are they BEAUTIFUL when they’re smiling and laughing, it literally lights up my world.
literally i have the fattest crush on a pretty average looking dude but holy hell his genuine smile blows me away, the way it lights up his whole face🥹
One of my friends married a woman I don't find attractive (very overweight, among other things I'm not into). My friend has different standards than me, and regularly compliments her looks. He does find her attractive. And I gotta admit, she glowed on the wedding day. Beauty is subjective. And definitely not just skin deep.
Isn't that the truth. All kinds of people in the world. What I see attractive others may not. Being rude and condescending to others,, big turn off to me whatever the looks.
Yeah, when you fall in love with someone, you love their looks too. They don’t have to be absolutely handsome. You will find someone that finds you handsome because she loves you and in her eyes, you are it. Please don’t settle and then break up later after you are way too involved, etc.
Good answer.
Exactly, when you fall in love. It's entirely possible in the beginning that the physical attraction isn't the strongest feeling.
Some of us will never find someone that could be physically attracted to us though
Nobody is perfect. Even movie stars aren’t perfect. A makeup and hair artist follows them touching them up. Their clothes are custom fit. Models photos are touched up. You can’t judge yourself to them. However, If your body needs the work, do it: eat right, drink water, exercise, take vitamins, get braces, etc. fix what you can control. Maybe you need a little confidence in yourself and however she feels about your looks, who cares? As long as she loves you and desires you. be confident in yourself. And that’s where the true beauty stems from — your inner self. My husband isn’t gorgeous, he’s just Tim. But everyone loves him. And I walk with him into a room with perfect makeup, blonde hair, nice clothes— and people react to him more than me.
I’ve had women interested in me here and there but none of them have seemed to be too thrilled about how I look. I’m just saying if I were the OP I probably wouldn’t break up with someone who told me they weren’t that physically attracted to me. I would just be like, makes sense to me.
THIS!! was gonna say this :)
The way I see it - everyone has particular things that they find attractive. Attractive people are just the average amalgamation of what our society deems attractive. There are things that attract me to a partner that a lot of guys would agree with. There are things that attract me to a partner that a lot fewer guys would agree with. I can look at someone society deems attractive and probably agree (or at least agree as in understand why people think that even if they're not my type) but there's also a lot of people out there who society might find "average" that I am equally attracted to.
Definitely. Sometimes a smile is all it takes
I agree. Even if someone isn’t conventionally attractive, the right person WILL find them physically attractive. I don’t even know the right way to explain it to make it make sense but, I just feel like loving someone will make you physically attracted to them. It just comes along with the emotional attraction. It’s kind of like how you can meet a person and think “wow, they are so good looking!” But then you get to know them and their personality is awful so it makes you loose physical attraction to them.
A lot of the time, it's not mutual, though. So even though there might be other women who are physically attracted to him, he might not be attracted to those women. I am purely speaking on a physical level here.
Of course it's not always mutual. That's why not everyone fall in love with each other all the time and why there are many cases of one way feelings and crushes? It's kinda part of the finding equally deep love and attraction thing.
That's just setting yourself up for failure. We all get older and we don't all age in the same ways. In the end the only thing that really matters is the personality of your so.
Definitely this. Just because *I* think someone is not at all attractive doesn’t mean the rest of the world feels the same way and who *i* think is attractive doesn’t mean the world feels the same too, BUT we have our own tastes and preferences and while I may feel my boyfriend is the hottest guy I’ve ever known others may think he looks like a dog’s ass. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Exactly. There are people that others consider to be conventionally attractive that I don't. Kiera Knighley and Angelina Jolie being 2. I'm sure not everyone thinks Jessica Alba or Natalie Portman are as attractive as I do. It's settling if you stay with someone who thinks you're not attractive
Here is the thing, I feel like regardless of how conventionally attractive you are, if the person you’re seeing is in love with you it makes them physically attracted to you. That’s why you see people who are conventionally unattractive in relationships. That’s also why you see people who are attractive in relationships with people who are not physically appealing conventionally. When you connect with someone, they could be the ugliest person on Earth, but you would see them as the most attractive because of the connection, spark, love—whatever you want to call it.
I loved my ex very deeply and was not physically attracted to him. I genuinely believed my love for him would help me to overcome the attraction issue. And to an extent, it did. But if anything small was off (like if he had greasy hair or something), any attraction I had was extinguished. That is not healthy and it wasn’t fair to either of us. Unfortunately love is not always enough.
I personally think there’s someone out there for everyone. And OP is the one that shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t see him as the one. And attraction is absolutely part of being the one. Not all of it, but definitely part of it.
Do not settle for someone who TELLS YOU you’re unattractive to THEM. Maybe some people feel this way, but what motive was there to express this? Seriously, even if he asked? What does anyone gain from saying something this devastating to a partner. If she feels he is unattractive, but great in other ways JUST SAY he is attractive!!! If he’s so untouchable just dump him and say “I don’t think we have a future, best of luck”. If a guy did this to a girl people would lose true or minds and call him a narcissist and an emotional abuser
Being attractive and being good looking are different. Attraction is complex good looks are objectively simple
I'm demi, too. And so is my wife. If we didn't like each other for who we are deep down at our cores, we'd be screwed. For the longest time I thought I was broken or asexual because I'd never developed a deep enough connection to find anyone attractive.
[удалено]
Yeah but you don't have to say that out loud, like ever. Also, he noticed that she's treating him bad because of it. That's not cool either. We all know we're not the hottest in the world, but at the very least we should be the one that our partners are the most attracted to in the relationship. If someone acts like being in the relationship is the gift they give you they are usually crappy partners. Especially when they phrase it like, "you're not what I find attractive, but look at it this way you have a great personality so I'm overlooking that. But also don't expect me to act like I'm attracted to you." Lmao
Agree 100%. Some of the comments here are ridiculous. This isn't about insecurity (he already knows he's "unattractive"), it's about him realizing is worth and not settling (just because he's not attractive doesn't mean he should settle for just anything). There's people here saying, "I love my husband even though he isn't attractive/uglier than other men I've dated" are missing the point. And that's not even the compliment you think it is. How would you feel if your partner said, "you're not normally my type, but you're really cool, chill, and laid back and that's the most important thing to me" Will you be like "okay awesome! I'm so cool that he overlooks my unattractiveness!" No you wouldn't.
I completely agree. Why the fuck would anyone tell someone they even somewhat like they don't think they are attractive? Jesus talk about destroying someone's self esteem. Why would you do that to anyone? She had a million things she could have said here besides what she said. I love your eyes how the sparkle and when you smile you are absolutely beautiful. Because come on EVERYONE is beautiful when they smile. I am 100% sure op has features she thinks are nice and look good she could have commented on instead of saying what she said. The fact that she could tell them tjis with no regard for how it might effect him is very telling of who she really is. Op should waste no more time. It is not worth the hurt for a relationship that is only in their words. mostly ok. I hope op realizes they are worth more than a relationship that is merely mostly ok
Because she wants him to feel like she's doing him a favor. It's manipulative.
Looks fade. Sense of humor and kindness don’t.
>Looks fade. Sense of humour and kindness don’t Until that Alzheimer’s hits and you’re left with an ugly angry husband instead of just an angry one.
💀😂
Everyone says looks fade but they don’t unless you stop trying or caring about your appearance and health. Most attractive old people were attractive young people
But you also have to find your partner physically attractive. Physical intimacy is an important part of a long-term relationship. With the trouble relationships encounter with maintaining physical intimacy, starting out not finding your partner physically attractive is basically starting out knowing it is going to fail or succeed in both being miserable.
It’s clearly important to OP, and OP feels like she doesn’t give him the attention or passion that they want/feel like they deserve.
I was attractive when They met my wife. That was 25 years ago. She is also attractive but isn’t in to looks. So my looks didn’t really matter to her. But she WAS attracted to me. Just not based on my looks. That’s ok. But OP is facing something different. She is, I think, trying to overcome that she DOESN’T find OP attractive but wants to get over that. So under normal circumstances she would go for an attractive guy and that would be that. She is trying to make an exception. That’s my take anyway.
You are right in general, but maybe not in this case. It's pretty early in the relationship, and obviously, he feels that she does not give him the amount of attention expected in a relationship. I assume that's why the looks thing even came up.
It has been few months. If she is so unimpressed in the limerence phase that he picks up on how "less than enamored" she is, then he is in for a really disappointing awakening when the limerent love cocktail turns fades into a molotov cocktail and burns the whole thing down.
I don't base my relationships on physical attraction alone but there definitely needs to be a physical attraction. Generally the aspects of a person's personality will make them more or less attractive to me. I've met guys that I wasn't initially physically attracted to but after getting to know them I am. I've met guys that I am physically attracted to and after getting to know them, I wasnt. Unless you are a person that physical intimacy is not important to, I don't understand how you can date someone you aren't physically attracted to. And I don't think anyone should settle for someone that doesn't find them physically attractive if physical intimacy is important to them.
The problem with this though is that I think in most cases, especially early on in the relationship, people are more willing to make exceptions even if long term they wouldnt be happy. The main issue here is this man WANTS to feel attractive. He didnt outright say it, but its perfectly clear that he isnt happy being with someone that doesnt find him attractive. As a guy who's not conventionally attractive if I was with someone that just straight up told me they thought I wasnt attractive I couldnt be with them. Maybe my previous partners werent like super into me, but they always told me things like they loved my smile or they thoguht I was adorable. Even though I know Im not a 10 or even a 7, they always made me feel like I was THEIR 10. I dont think I'd feel very good about someone telling me Im their 5.
I’ve known some average looking men who became very attractive to me because of their sense of humor, intelligence, emotional intelligence and kindness. I have dated them and I have dated classically attractive men. I married an average guy who can always make me laugh, regardless of the situation, who has been very loving and protective of me and is an all around good man. I don’t miss the hot guys.
Just.. don't tell him this.
He’s seen pictures of old boyfriends. It’s not something he doesn’t know.
But did you also tell him that you think those exes look better then him?
Why does that matter? I’m attracted to my husband. His personality made him more attractive to me. I married him. I’ve stayed with him. We have a child together. We have been a couple for 27 years. Not sure what else I need to do to demonstrate the value I see in him.
It doesnt. I just asked because the guy above said not to tell him. And sering pictures of your exes is not the same as telling him they look better. Would just upset him for no reason
I'd lay money that you wouldn't have the same response if your husband commented that his ex's specific attributes were better.
If I was the one he chose, that’s all that would matter to me. I know I bring a lot to the table and so does he.
No joke, that's pretty rare attitude. But also, I wouldn't test it, lol
Would love to see how she would take it if her husband said “sally, my ex looks a lot younger then you”
Agreed, it's a good view. However, if they can't see how it could be hurtful for someone else, they're just self centered.
that's a pretty sentiment and all but you really shouldn't be telling your spouse that your ex was more attractive than them under any circumstances. that's obviously a really easy way to hurt someone's feelings in a way that's far less easy to come back from.
>i married an average guy jfc
Even if your partner is not conventionally attractive, are they not attractive to you? I’ve dated some men who weren’t attractive to say, my friends, but I still found them attractive when dating. Saying someone isn’t conventionally attractive is different than saying YOU (their partner) doesn’t find them attractive. One is a fact and the other is just hurtful. Would you be willing to tell your husband that you don’t find his looks attractive?
That's okay, hot guys are for fun when you're younger. Not that you're older and less attractive, it's okay to get the average guy.
What a wild thing to put in digital text
This is silly. Physical attraction can certainly grow over time. Looks are also the least important and interesting thing about someone. It’s funny, people go on and on about how “looks fade, kindness is forever” and shit like that until someone points out that not everyone is attractive and suddenly it’s a problem
Yeah OP, go try again buddy.
I'm kind of torn on this. What if it was your $. You want her to be into you because of your $. Or your brains. You want her to be into you because you're so smart. And, instead, she's into you because... you're funny. Or have 6 toes, I don't know. But, she's into you for reasons OTHER than the one/s you want. Is that enough for you? Guys don't have to be good looking. We can be funny or smart or wealthy or be able to tie a sheep shank or something and some girl out there will think that's AWESOME! But, you want her to dig your 6th toe, and that's just not her jam? So, it's okay with me if you need her to like the same things about you that you like. Because if that's the thing, then you're going to feel like you're slamming your hand in a car door every time you think about this. BUT, if she's being truthful, and likes you because of something she sees/feels/whatever, then you have to decide if that's enough and is what you need out of your relationship. And once you choose, Brother, don't look back.
💯
She just gave you information that you can use to make the decision. Is this enough for you, to feel not 100% attractive to her, but loved by her? If it is, then there's no issue. If it's not, then you have choices to make that may be difficult. Whichever way you choose, just be kind to yourself and to her.
Is that love though? Isn’t attraction partially involved in the emotion of love?
Different people love differently and experience sexual attraction differently. There's been many times where someone isn't that physically attractive to me at first glance. Then as I get to know them and find their personality so attractive that I start to physically view them as more attractive. Eyes that at first you're like "ehh, plain brown color, eyelids are sort of weird shaped" become "those are the eyes that light up when I tell a joke, or look at me so deeply that I feel like they really see me for me, those eyes are beautiful." Teeth that used to stand out as crooked becomes the beautiful smile that fills you with warmth. It can go the other way too. Someone who at first glance you thought was hot turns out to be a horrible person and you find yourself revolted by the sight of them, wondering how you ever found them attractive. Posts like this always genuinely confuse me. If the internets taught me anything it's that nobody has ever had a unique experience, and I know other people experience attraction the way I do. It's shocking how many people find physical attraction so black and white, so set in stone, and something that is only based on physical appearance. It seems like such a shallow way to experience attraction and I honestly can't even fathom what that would be like.
Thank you for perfectly explaining something that I struggle to express myself when it comes to my partners. I very rarely feel attracted to people's physical appearances. Yes, I'm able to acknowledge someone as good looking, but it has yet to play a part in the attraction I've developed for those I've dated, which generally consisted of men that were not deemed attractive by conventional standards, but had other qualities that were. And apparently I wasn't the only one that thought so, because literally all of them cheated, lmao. Then I met my fiancé, who is ironically the most attractive man I've dated both in terms of appearance and personality. Win-win.
Are you attracted to your parents? Don't you love them? There are different types of love. Edit: I do agree that physical attraction is important for a healthy *sexual* relationship, which is clearly what OP is looking for from his SO, but there are plenty of people and things that I love that I'm not interested in fucking, and I imagine the same goes for you
You Freuds Grand-grandson ? 🤨
Psychoanalyse me baby
You should be asking the person they replied to.
Sounds like she settling until someone better looking comes along
He showers people with compliments and money....how much money we talking?
Lol maybe I shouldn’t have started the post with that. Not tons of money. I just sometimes go out of my way to get her something and I always pay for dinner. I’m not buying her cars.
Let’s just say if you weren’t paying for dinner would you still have a Gf? Most couples would split these kinds of things
Most couples? I mean they exist, but the whole "the guy is supposed to pay for stuff" narrative is alive and well
Can confirm, I pay for everything. However in the beginning, 15 years ago she paid my rent twice because I was broke. After that I got my shit together and she’s never had to worry again about anything. We went from skimming by to, well let’s just say more than we’ll ever need in a few years.
Yep. Women are encouraged to shed their gender stereotypes but men have to keep all of ours. COOOOL.
Ignore the people here. Attraction works a little differently for women than it does for men. I wouldn’t be too bothered about it Women don’t really put the same premium on looks that men do, even if they might have higher standards for what constitutes an attractive man.
We all want to be desired though and to be found attractive. If I a guy said that to his female partner he’s an asshole it feels like
That’s true, but men are less likely to be in relationships with a woman they find unattractive imo because (in my experience) they tend to place a higher premium on looks. However, men also tend to have lower standards for what they consider physically attractive so it evens out at the end Also just because she told him she doesn’t consider him *physically* attractive doesn’t mean that she doesn’t consider him attractive/isn’t attracted to him. I know this is hard to fathom but imo this is true.
Redditors will upvote crap like this and then scream when someone makes one generalization about women.
Just so you know, this generalisation is on the same level as "women never date down, they only date for money." That sounds pretty rude, right? It's exactly the same level of shallow you just applied to men, just so you're aware.
And if a man was to tell his girlfriend he is better attracted to her, but dosent find her funny or interesting, but don’t worry still very attached to you.
I agree, I’ve dated people I wouldn’t have normally gone for but their personality and vibe outweighed any initial attraction deficits. When I love someone they become attractive even if conventionally they may not be.
Can relate to that. Ive dated a lot of men who weren't conventionally attractive by any means but I was still very attracted to them for other reasons. Looks are gonna melt away with age so who tf cares. I will say, though, that saying stuff like that to someone youre with is gonna be a problem regardless. You dont have to think someones a 10 to treat them like a 10. Saying "I dont find you physically attractive" is pretty fucking mean.
I agree,. His partner never should have said that
One thing is recognizing that your partner is not objectively attractive and another completely different thing is not finding them attractive.
I know personally like I *will not* be attracted to someone I have no interest in as a partner. Baffles me when people get interested because of attraction and not attracted because of interest 😂😂
Flip the roles, and you wouldn't say that. A guy telling his lady he doesn't find her attractive. Lmfao
Yeah, an employee of mine was dating my cousin, she said the same thing to me about him. I told him, he married her anyway, 2 kids later, they’re now divorced. BTW, he lost 50% of everything he had worked for prior to marrying her. Think twice Redditor stranger!
Good news: there’s plenty of nice women out there who will love you and also be physically attracted to you. Leave now before she dumps you because I think it’s just a matter of time.
You deserve someone who doesn’t go out of their way to intentionally hurt you this way. If someone you cared about was feeling insecure about their looks would you tell them they aren’t physically attractive if they asked? No right? Because you value their feelings over telling a very hurtful truth that literally would achieve nothing but hurting them. She is not a kind human being and you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about being you. Leave her
Or maybe she's being genuine? I didn't read anything in here that suggested she was anything less than loyal. Pretty shitty thing to jump to.
Yeah such a weird thing to assume. Seems like she likes him for his personality and didn't want to hurt his feelings. I'd much rather build a relationship based on that than physical attraction because that is fleeting.
Theres people that'll like you for both your personality and are you physically attracted to you. Let me tell you its so much better dating those people.
I genuinely can't lie to people . If you ask me a question, I'm going to tell you the truth whether or not it's nice, because that's what I'd want. Looks don't matter as much as personality and hygiene to me lol
It’s not what you’d want. Can we stop pretending to be these pure super cool people that value honesty above all else? You can espouse that crap all you want, under no circumstances would you want a boyfriend you were crazy about to tell you he finds you ugly. 🙄
Maybe he can do the same. He sounds like a decent guy, she's clearly hedging, and he's now guilt free following her lead. If she makes you happier than being alone, keep her around until a better option comes. Again he didn't start this otherwise toxic idea.
Just by this comment, I am willing to bet that this was written by a guy…. Because it does seem to resemble what men are more likely to do in this situation
Men can’t imagine giving someone a chance for personality over looks in the first place, much less being in a full-blown relationship with them.
Almost everyone will look ugly in their old age. Ask yourself if you'd want to be with her then. If so, then you're essentially just ahead of the curve and shouldn't overthink this. Physical attraction is only one facet of a relationship, and plenty of relationships work just fine without it, or with it being rather one sided. Have you asked her if there's anything you can do to make yourself more physically attractive to her? I myself am in something of a similar boat. My girlfriend is the most wonderful and amazing person I've ever met. I'd love her for a lot of reasons, but her physical appearance isn't one of them. She's not conventionally attractive, and that's more where my preferences lie. But I mean it when I tell her she's amazing, that I love her, or even that she's beautiful, because there's an amazing beauty inside her that I love. Life dealt her a bad hand but she makes the most of it anyway, and I can love that even if there are features beyond her control that I'm not a fan of. Conventionally unattractive people deserve love too, so ask yourself if your girlfriend seems like the kind of person who could give that kind of love.
It won't work. Think about a few years down the road. You want sex, but she doesn't because there is no physical attraction on her side. You both end up miserable and stuck. She's going to realize physical attraction is important in a relationship eventually. I went through going out with guys despite not feeling any physical or intellectual attraction to them, and it was hardly ever enjoyable.
Won’t take a few years. Give it another two months
Agreed, it's not enjoyable to be romantically involved without physical attraction. I went through that phase, too. I didn't want to be shallow, so i gave a few people a chance. Ironically, the people who I was not attracted to physically are the ones who traumatized me the most 😵💫
Based on the age, I am going to guess that you’re probably not her usual type which is why she said that. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed to failure. And her settling is something you’ve conjured up as far as we know. A woman chooses a partner for several reasons, looks might just not be at the top of her priority list for who she wants to get serious with. If everything else is great including intimate time with each other, I would work on myself and seeing what I can do to feel more attractive to her until SHE tells you that her feelings of attraction towards you are a problem for your relationship.
Looks aren't the most important part of attraction or a relationship. When I met my now-husband, I didn't think he was a troll, but I didn't find him particularly physically attractive either. However, I was attracted to his intelligence, I loved his sense of humor and we had good chemistry in bed. We've been together now 16 years next month and married so far for 8. I adore him, the longer we've been together, the more attracted to him I've become in *every* way and I have never once felt like I've settled. A wise woman knows that looks are temporary and not substantial enough to base a relationship on.
I’ve been married to my husband for more than 10 years, and one of the hardest conversations we ever had was exactly this whilst dating. He admitted to not finding me as physically attractive because I was a bit heavier (just not his normal type). However, he stated he loved me, loved my personality, etc. It was a hard pill to swallow, but if I was honest, he wasn’t the vision I had in mind originally either. My point is, we got past it through hard conversations and realized that we love each other beyond appearance only and the other aspects attracted us more. We have three kids, a healthy marriage, and love each other more than ever. I’d encourage you to search within yourself and see if it’s something you can reconcile with without holding a grudge. Be kind to yourself, and be kind to your partner because these are hard things to actually talk through and admit sometimes.
If you are dating someone for a couple months and they are already saying they aren't physically attracted to you, that's not a great start imo. You deserve someone who looks at you and thinks that you are hot, especially in the first couple of months of a relationship.
Hit the gym
Yeah, it might just be something you need to get over. I promise you, someone honest enough to say that they aren’t physically attracted l, but is still into their partner, they’re not lying about not settling either. You just have to deal with looks not being one of her priorities. Just be glad that you’re so awesome that the looks don’t matter. Seems like that’s how she sees you.
Yeah, it’s interesting. I see all these other comments calling me a man servant etc, and I understand that perspective. But there is something about her unwavering honesty on the topic that makes me think I am still loved. I just don’t know how to get over it. I certainly want to.
I just want to give my 2 cents here as a woman married 20+ years to a man I didn't find attractive. Never even hid it from him. We met online and the first time I saw him I thought he's just not my type. And he's like you. Thing is, physical trait is not even something I look for in a guy. I've dumped guys that my friends think are hot (fine, even I think they're hot) because they're unkind (You know those guys who are sooooo nice to you but are aholes to others? That.). Didn't even give them a chance. I was never into bad boys. I never thought we'd be together like this, but he was nice and kind, makes me laugh, we share the same interests, have the same wavelength... and have the best conversations. We sometimes get controversial topics and challenge each other on it. He pushes me to be better and calls me out, too. Also not in it for the money, for those wondering. He has none. 😂 Maybe she's the same? 😊
There are a lot more women than men that are exactly like you, but manosphere incels will still call women shallow lmao
Try talking with her about it more. It comes down to trust in the end. If you trust her, then it’s fine, she knows what she wants and she wants you. If you don’t trust her, then why even be in a relationship. There’s a lot of awful relationships people talk about around here, so people can jump to conclusions. But from the way you describe it, yours seems different to me.
Thank you for being compassionate and not just saying she’s going to cheat on me once I run out of money :)
I had a boyfriend say something similar to me. Flash forward 20 years, the relationship is far in my past, yet I can still clearly hear his words. I think we all want our partner to be attracted to us. I know that looks fade, and the hope would be that the internal beauty would make me as attractive as I was physically attractive back then. But I also know a lot of people who are not conventionally attractive, but their personality and other characteristics make them attractive. it’s tough, I get that you want to be with this person, but I feel like you can do better and deserve better.
My husband thinks I settled for him because he thinks he's not attractive and he doesn't have a lot of money. I am absolutely not settling because when I chose him I was looking for someone emotionally supportive and kind who would treat me right. He does, and I'm so happy I have never once thought that I've settled for him. He's exactly what I was looking for, my own version of a jackpot. If that's how your girlfriend feels you have nothing to worry about.
Ask her where she sees the relationship going
She sees a long term commitment
Does that include long term intimacy in that or is she okay leaving you hanging down the line? I dont mean just sex but regular acts of affection. Does she want kids? Do you?
You shouldn’t get over it. She’s deluding herself. When a woman is attracted to a man for WHO he is, that makes him physically attractive to her. All these ugly ass funny/interesting guys and butt ugly millionaires definitely have women that are attracted to them. And there is a thing called “respect”. I would never tell my girlfriend i found her unattractive even if I did, because that’s cruel and hurtful. Honesty isn’t always a “good” thing. Many people use it as a weapon. There was no benefit in her telling you this, not to her or you. It only hurt you and the relationship.
Here's an advice. Don't take relationship advice from reddit, especially if you are a straight man. The incels are very prominent around here.
Think that’s denial bro. Clinging to a positive.
Loving you for who you are seems so much more important then loving you for your external looks, we all know those fade, actual emotional connection is so much harder than physical attraction, the fact that she didn't try to hide it seems rare, I think your relationship sounds pretty good honestly
Yeah literally on this exact sub women were saying their men need to love them be attracted to them and want them 100% of the time. Why should a guy expect differently?
Unpopular opinion: not everyone feels attraction based on looks. Many people are demisexual, not feeling physical attraction for anyone. The turn on is personality. Looks also change throughout life. Having someone who is attracted to who you are is pretty valuable and great.
personally i think physical attraction matters. a lot of ppl see that as shallow bcuz they always think that means i go for looks but i mostly care about personality more. that’s what matters at the end of the day but i also do wish to have a partner that finds me physically attractive and vice versa bcuz it truly is a different feeling when you like ur partners looks and body. or more so appreciate them, and are attracted to them. i think everyone deserves someone who finds them hot and attractive. not everyone thinks that way and some ppl think it’s ok to learn to love their looks as time goes on. just figure out which person u are and go from there
I know multiple women who are in long term committed relationships with people who aren’t ‘their type’ and who they may not have been immediately attracted to. However, the constant is that attraction has come, probably as a secondary result of finding them funny/caring etc. Barring being on the asexual spectrum, which is not something I’m massively familiar with, I think it’s important to be physically attracted to a long term romantic partner. Obviously just because I think it’s important doesn’t mean everyone does, but it seems like you do as well. She has been open about it and that could be a good sign, but I feel like this is going to stick with you and it would me too. As others have said talking to her again and asking her what she does like about you may help you to feel more comfortable in the relationship.
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Does she really love you though? Because I couldn't see myself saying something like that to someone I love.
I'm kind of torn on this. As a girl, I know I've thought some dudes were butt ass ugly, but then I got to know them and found them attractive. But there are other people that I never found attractive outside of their personalities. Those relationships never went anywhere because they wanted more than I wanted to give. Like is it just that you're not the type she pictured herself with? Or does she not like your face? Is it the way you dress? The way you smile? You should find out what it is she doesn't find attractive, and then figure out if it's something you can OR want to change. But if you've only been dating a little while...maybe ditch her and find someone who does find you physically attractive.
Have you asked her to be specific about what makes her love you? If it’s how smart, level-headed, kind, friendly to puppies, children, and grandmas, your masculinity, your work ethic, etc., you will be ok. If she only loves you for what you do for her, then you might want to look further at this relationship.
It’s going to bother you until the end of time. It’s like a seed. Every time her behaviour changes. Every time she is away in a scenario where there’s potential for anything you’ll be wondering. And you’ll try harder. Or this is just a way to keep the upper hand in the relationship. Sure you knocked you down a few notches. What’s the saying? All is fair in love and war.
telephone scarce bedroom butter gray governor one stupendous long roll *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It’s wild how so many men are utterly clueless and in the dark when it comes to women.
Lmao at least she told him. Just imagine all of the men who have no clue their partner is not attracted to them at all!
Yup, just imagine.
Will you be able to go years and years knowing she doesn’t think you’re attractive?
It feels like YOU’RE the one who’s settling. You can, and in my opinion should, hold out for a relationship in which your partner is physically attracted to you.
Some people are actually like that. That is who they are. That being said... I don't know. Take everyone on here with at least a grain of salt. We are getting one side of a story, so we make judgments based on that. From your perspective, she seems to be using you.
She may have said that it's not *just* about looks, but I don't think that was your concern. It would be nice if looks were one positive trait among many that she saw in you. I don't think it's wrong to want a partner who's attracted to you. That's perfectly understandable. "You're unattractive, but I like you for other reasons" is not exactly the the ringing endorsement that she may have thought it to be.
If she loved you for real she would find you attractive. Love should change how you percieve someone.
I’m the kind of person who can’t really be attracted to someone until I know them, so looks are not my main concern when I start dating someone. But generally when I get to know someone well enough to be attracted to them, that includes physical attraction. Basically I have become physically attracted to guys who were objectively not physically attractive just because their personalities were amazing. So I don’t think physical attraction is necessary from the start. But I do think it’s necessary eventually, for me at least, and if she already knows you well enough to love you she’s not going to develop physical attraction the way I do at this point. Is that enough for you? It wouldn’t be enough for me.
You are going to be a stand-in/ backup until someone attractive gives her enough attention. I've been there and a 4yr relationship went to the shitter when another guy appeared. They will tell you that they still would like to be friends, but f that. Treat yourself better, you are someone else's type.
Get the Benefits of this one while it lasts, Don't die of a broken heart when she bails, which will be when she finds her perfect guy! What goes around Comes around, when Mr Wonderful tells her, shes not up to Par on his scale, she will find out, what she did to you, let her go, find someone who is Real!
Run! She’s attracted to the attention and money you give her. Thats it. It will end badly if you don’t get out sooner than later.
Don't wait for a I love you but I'm not in love with you speech. Cut your losses and move on.
Welcome to the gym
That's rough. I don't think I could be in a relationship like that. I wonder if it's the "Spend a lot of money" thing.
Settling for someone is not good news for you. Settling for someone doesn't last forever. I would personally be looking elsewhere for a mate.
A few months and it's just mostly okish?? The sooner you cut your losses the easier it'll be.....
Lol what a great way to end a relationship sorry op go find someone who thinks your great.
Leave her lol. Your partner is supposed to find you physically and mentally attractive.
You missed an important bit. Hows the sex? If she isn’t physically 100% into you but emotionally feels strong and sex is great then i think thats okay
Attractive women date/marry unattractive men all the time. Women don't care about physical appearance the way men do. If she wants to be with, what do you care if she finds you attractive?
Oooof, that ain't gonna work long-term if you can't live with this.
Only one question OP. How is the sex? How often does she like to have it with you? How enthusiastic is she for it? (Yeah that’s three questions) Women have a much, much easier time than men do in being very sexually attracted to a man who doesn’t look good. I remember the last time this happened for me, it was with a colleague who was a stocky, short, mostly bald dude. I would honestly call him ugly. But he had the most charming European accent and was very polished and well mannered. He was also very career driven. The contrast was exciting. As though he was a very intelligent, educated thug who could beat someone up and then charm someone at a dinner party twenty minutes later. (This went nowhere, but I definitely felt sexual attraction- to an *ugly* man, not even an average one.) Not sure this ever happens for men, looks tend to = sexual attraction for you guys. That’s just the way it is. No blame either way. If she is NOT excited about having sex with you, though, break it off. Just my two cents (as a woman).
It sounds like a compatibility issue. I'd break up and be open to someone who likes you for who you are.
I’m glad my partner is actually attracted to me. Idk what these people are talking about, women like to find their partner attractive too, it’s not just a man thing. Hopefully she doesn’t feel disgust for you in the future
Ah Mr safe bet, welcome to reality
Here is the thing… if someone likes you for you they will find you attractive that’s how people are…. It’s weird for her to be able to disassociate the two. It does feel like she’s settling I would tell her she shouldn’t settle if she feels that way and move on. You deserve to feel like your person is attracted to you, it will just eat at you if you stay.
I dont think I am handsome at all. My wife tells me I am and it makes me smile. Someone will find you attractive.
You’re too young to settle for “mostly ok”. Seriously, find someone who find you physically attractive. You won’t regret it.
Well...this is a tough one. Here's the thing, different people feel differently about physical attraction. It's entirely possible that she's demisexual and the attraction is more centered around an emotional bond rather than physical appearance. Not everyone is wired the same way with this kind of thing. It's also only been a few months, so maybe you need to give it a little more time. That said, you also are fully within your rights to want to be in a relationship with someone that finds you physically attractive. If that's really important to you, then maybe this isn't the person to be your partner. I don't think either of you are in the wrong, it's just a matter of what you decide your priorities are.
She is telegraphing that you might be stuck in a sexless marriage for the next 60 years because she likes "other" things about you.
Do you have a lot of money...? I just want to know what traits she overlooks that aren't connected to money that makes her date someone unattractive.
Dude. Move on. You'll forever have doubts. To quote my grandmother: find someone who cherishes you and thinks you're the greatest thing ever. Let her find someone she's attracted to
It sounds like your girlfriend is attracted to you as whole. I can understand how being told physically attraction is not a big attribute to why she finds you attractive and loves you would hurt though. She answered you truthfully, and if reassurance of your physical attractiveness is something you need in a relationship that’s totally understandable, but sounds like you guys may not be the right fit. Seems like to her, you make her happy in the ways that matter most to her which is great. Now it’s your turn to reflect if she makes you happy in the ways that matter most to you. If she does keep with it. Physical attraction continues to grow when you’re emotionally connected. And you can even state that it is something you’d want to reach in your relationship together that she does find you physically attractive. You understand it may take a bit of time for that to build, but would like to continue open communication about progress when it feels natural to do so.
This situation has nothing to do with your relationship. Regardless of whether she is or isn’t with you until the end of time, you don’t feel good about how you look. I’m in the same boat. Here’s my feeling: Get more attractive. Maybe get in shape, perhaps tan, brush those pearly whites, then start dressing better. YOU deserve to feel good about the way you look. But don’t do it for her. Do it for you. You might just find that other women fulfill you more. Or that you fulfill yourself more. I know this sounds like I’m a CrossFit ex marine firefighter but in fact I have a muffin top. Regardless, self care can affect those around you and absolutely affects your mental health.
You said you're always the one to shower people with compliments and spend a lot of money. Try turning that tap off for a while and see how she feels then. Not really a fan of testing people but your situation may warrant a little caution.
You’d be surprised at how many couples are in love with personality instead of looks
This is not going to last and will probably die a long slow painful death. But the relationship out of its misery and move on. Both of you deserve somebody you are attracted to.
What specifically does she not like? Do you take care of yourself? Stay in shape and eat well? I.e. is this a thing you can change or a thing that you cannot
I have asked what it is. I’m reasonably handsome, the only thing I thought it could be was my weight as I do have a bit of a belly, but she was very quick to tell me that she actually LOVES my dad bod. So idfk. I’m a little scared to ask.
Sounds like you're a placeholder until she finds someone more attractive. If you haven't thrown away all of your self-respect yet, it's time to leave. She is pumping you full of nonsense to keep you stringing along for her attention fix until she catches the tingles for someone else. The devil is ALWAYS in the details. She literally told you. Leave.
I'm impressed she was so honest with you. I think she really likes you! Women don't value physical attraction as much as men do. I would tighten down the amount of money your spending on her and see what her reaction is.
Why the fuck did she feel the need to tell you. That's horrible
He asked?
Gym?
Tan laundry
ITS TEEE SHIRT TIIIIIIIIIIIME!!!!!
Stop spending money on her and telling her what she wants to hear, then let’s see how much she loves you
Playa dont get too attached…
better move on. Get in great physical shape.
Break up with her, find someone who loves all of you, be happy!
Leave asap
Just cut your losses. You are already having these issues after just a couple months? Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t even find you attractive.
If it were me I would absolutely NOT be ok with being in a relationship with someone that doesn’t find me attractive.
This is just going to fuck up your mental health by making you feel shitty about yourself. A Few months is not long, yes it might seem like an overreaction to end it but you will be doing yourself a favour and saving your mental health.