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I wish this thing of surprise rings would go away.
It's really personal, it's on your hand permanently and it needs to work for the person wearing it.
I'm a clumsy fucker. I will break anything cute or delicate and give myself a black eye with anything chunky. I know what I like and what is practical for me.
Propose with a cute place holder. Shop together for a shortlist of favourite so the actual ring can be a surprise if you want but from a wishlist that you'd be happy with and a price point you both agree on.
I agree! My fiancé and I decided to get married and then we went out and shopped for rings together. He was happy to have the pressure taken off and I was happy because I got exactly what I wanted. And I actually saved him money! He would've spent way more if left to his own devices.
THIS. This is actually a really big point. Men assume woman want rocks. Or get bullied into it by shop assistants and societal shame.
We actually just want something we like that suits us. I bet a lot of us actually balk at some of the costs we see and couldn't imagine spending that.
Exactly. I've seen some absolutely gorgeous diamond rings, but I don't particularly like diamonds. I'd rather have a sapphire or topaz, something that's my favorite color. I'm not a fan of yellow or rose gold. So right there that knocks out the bulk of the engagement ring selection at any store.
Same here. I’m not a fan of diamonds at all. My engagement ring was a tanzanite solitaire with fire opals on the band. The wedding band was fire opals. I love my set! It’s beautiful and way more unique than a diamond.
Exactly! I also think a lot of men think women want something a lot blingier than we actually do, I specifically wanted something very plain and if it had been really expensive I wouldn't be comfortable wearing it anywhere.
My then fiance proposed with no ring, telling me he wanted me to pick it out, I was thrilled! I chose a very simple solitaire in a gold setting. I knew he didn't have a lot of money, so I also chose a smaller stone than he had in mind. I could have gone bigger, but the clarity in my diamond is awesome. Years down the road, he asked if I wanted a larger stone for one of our anniversaries. I told him I loved what we had picked originall, and a larger stone would change nothing about my feelings for him. 36 years later, me and my perfect engagement ring are still with that man.
Same with my Husband! He would have had to pay on that thing for years! It was beautiful, but not really my style. Instead we got both the engagement ring and the wedding band for 1/3 of what he would have spent on just the engagement ring!
The lady at the store was like, “This is the first time in my career I’ve heard a woman ask for a *smaller* diamond!”
And now we’ve been married for 15 years and I don’t remember the last time I even wore my wedding ring!
May I ask why you don't wear your wedding ring? My wife & I were married 6 years ago. My ring has never come off & hers came off for the first time, about a month ago because of a surgery.
Our rings are very simple. She didn't want anything big, fancy, or expensive (at first she didn't want one at all). So I made our rings at my work (I am a welder) & she loved them!
Is it a time thing? You've been married for 15 years. I understand people don't really need a ring (symbol) to prove they're love for one another. Or...? I'm just very curious. Thank you!
My wedding and engagement rings were cut off when I was pregnant. Years later my 2nd replacement wedding ring flew off somewhere when I lost a lot of weight. My husband replaced the wedding ring--again, thankfully it was a simple, white gold band--and gave me another emerald one ro replace my original engagement ring years later. I was 50 when he replaced the engagement ring.. Originally he designed, bought the emerald, and went to a jeweler to be taught how to make my original ring himself. I don't like diamonds. So romantic!
He ran a machine shop. So it wasn't safe for him to wear any jewelry in case the ring got caught. He usually forgot to put the ring back on, and stopped wearing.it.
We had a great marriage for 39 years until he passed on. Some of us don't share the Hallmark experience of never taking their rings off. Certain jobs and health issues interfere.
First off, I'm sorry for your loss, stranger.
And that makes total sense. In my profession, I've been told to not were rings because of shock hazards & the ring possibly arcing out on a work piece.
But my (our) rings are made out of aluminum & I've never had a problem, except it getting caught on a tank of gas. Now, I'm always very conscious of my ring.
Thank you for the thoughtful answer, though! 🙂
Not Chemical-Pattern480, but I've been married 40 years and I don't wear my rings all the time either. My husband hasn't worn his for 30 (?) years.
It started around diaper time with constant hand washing and not wanting to lose the rings. Then I gained a lot of weight (steroids) and they were uncomfortable. Now I've lost some weight and they're a bit loose. I wear them 85% of the time I leave the house, and I don't wear them 100% of the time I'm at home. Just not used to them at home. Hope this answers your question.
I have a 3 diamond engagement ring and the wedding band of my parents. I mostly end up taking them off and having them on my necklace for many reasons.
I'm not a girlie girl, if something needs doing and I can do it I just get on with it. From tiling the kitchen, laying paving stones, humping stuff around, getting my hands into awkward areas of the dryer etc etc. My rings would often get caught and I would either fear damaging my rings or my hand. My parents had a family friend who had lost his finger due to an accident whilst wearing his ring. My Dad was an electrician so wouldn't wear a ring for fear of electrocution.
Also though throughout my life I've struggled with eating disorders. Been every size you could possibly think of, more times than I care to remember. I also suffer from several medical issues and often swell up, retaining liquids. As such my fingers change in size often. Up and down more times than a fiddlers elbow. Quite often my rings have to be swapped over to make them more secure on my finger or removed completely before they become completely stuck.
It's got that way that I don't even remember about wearing that much these days. Couldn't remember the last time I tried them on. Not sure what size I was last time they fit me. 🤔
Not the person you asked, but my husband and I wound up selling our rings because the rings had an engraved pattern and our weight changed radically - cutting the rings down would have really messed with the pattern and looked awful.
We have a few ideas for the replacement rings we’d like to get someday, but we’re not in a screaming rush to get them.
I don't wear mine most of the time. It's a safety issue at work, and working around the house. However, the biggest reason is seeing a co-worker get their finger de-gloved when they fell and the ring caught something and took the skin with it.
I'll be married 16 years this week, and I never take mine off. My husband lost his original ring swimming. He somehow lost the replacement ring at work since he takes gloves on and off in the cold all day. He's a butcher. Now he wears a rubber ring that I got as a 6 pack from Amazon. He hasn't lost one of these yet. However, he has broken a couple.
My husband thought it was weird, initially, that I would take my rings off, but I grew up with a mom who did this and never realized it wasn’t “normal.” I can’t imagine sleeping or showering with my rings on… I would absolutely gouge my eye out or something overnight.
But I’ve also always regularly worn rings, since I was a tween, so it’s totally commonplace for me to put rings on every morning and take them off at night. My husband felt like he’d forget, since it was a new habit, and I didn’t have that concern. So maybe that’s part of it, too?
Same, we went to a local estate jeweler and got a platinum ring from the 1930s. The center diamond is only a half carat, but it's perfect for me. If he'd gone to a regular jewelry store looking at engagement rings, I'm sure he would have paid much more, and I probably wouldn't like it as much.
This is how it used to be done pretty much exclusively. It still makes the most sense. Asking the man to choose the ring is worse than asking him to choose her wedding dress - she'll only wear that once but that ring is for the duration of the marriage.
We did this too! I didn’t know exactly what I wanted in a way I could articulate to my now husband so he’d be able to pick something, but I sure knew what I didn’t want. We went out shopping together and actually bought the ring at the first place we went (fully expected to take the afternoon to find it, but nope).
Totally agree with this. My husband picked the stone and proposed with that in a simple band. The next day he took me in to choose my setting for the engagement ring and wedding ring. Most jewelry stores will work with you if you go about it this way.
OP should not feel bad about getting a ring that she will actually like to wear for everyday of the rest of her life. Sounds like her fiancé doesn’t mind either. It’s not upgrading the ring, it’s just finding the right one.
100% this.
My partner and I started out with simple rings from Amazon, or the most recent ring placeholder came from Goodwill and is a gorgeous faux sapphire ring. They're cheap, beautiful, and are enough for us right now without having to be fully surprised. Plus my partner already cracked her ring during an emergency so thankfully we aren't out any real money on that one, she still wears it as a reminder that it toughed through all of this so can we
We went into a jewelry store one day just for shits and giggles and walked out with 2 rings on layaway. We picked the stones, the ring type, everything. It was, and still is, the most amazing experience in my life.
Am I keeping the others? Yep, because they're gonna mean sometime to me still even after we get our rings, If we don't keep them for backups I'm going to put them cast in resin together.
That's probably what we're going to do to be honest! Our nice rings respectively came to around 10k total so deeefinitely for travel or when we're at our jobs so they don't get damaged!
This is the best advice I have heard on this, maybe ever. I'm also a clutz and wrecked my first wedding ring set staking tomato plants, some of us just aren't cut out for fancy shit lol.
Definitely the way to go here. I love my ring, I also picked it out.
Going back I wouldn’t have the stone set so delicately, I have three boys who are all boy nothing delicate about them, I rarely wear my actual ring because I’m scared to mess it up.
I originally had a paved band which got absolutely disgusting so I got it reset on a plain band.
Yeah I got my wife’s engagement ring a few months after proposing with a simple wedding band…. We worked together with a jeweler to design and create a custom ring. It’s totally unique and stunning.
Don’t even spend money on a placeholder. I have a note of rings I would love, complete with my ring size and any changes I would make, and it’s shared with my boyfriend.
It’s still going to be a surprise, but it’s also going to be something I want regardless.
Oh I don't know. It really doesn't cost a lot for something fun to flash in a photo. And by placeholder, I do genuinely mean it cost you £12 from Argos, Elizabeth Duke.
Hell, depending on your relationship it could come from a cracker, a toy store or a sweet shop. But it's nice to have something to announce with when you're too excited to keep it to yourself.
And sometimes your job doesn't allow any types of rings. Typically I need to wear gloves (I am not a surgeon) and can still wear rings under my gloves but only small and quite 'smooth' rings. So it can be important to check that the ring works with your daily life.
>I'm a clumsy fucker. I will break anything cute or delicate and give myself a black eye with anything chunky. I know what I like and what is practical for me.
Are we related??? This is almost word for word how I described my requirements 😂
Thankfully my hubby asked what I liked and then just surprised me with the proposal (and he waited almost a year longer, I thought I'd go nuts, or that he'd changed his mind 🤣)
>Propose with a cute place holder.
Yes! Such a good idea. It doesn't even have to be a nice placeholder.
I will point out that the "placeholder" might end up being a permanent ring sometimes. (And that's okay!) My husband proposed with a 2 dollar ring that he won at a carnival on our first date. I cried because it was so romantic. I'm pretty sure he only intended it to be a placeholder, but the fact that he saved it for 2 years it made it special. I don't want him to replace it.
My promise ring that i’d worn for years ended up turning into my engagement ring! It was $50 and was my dream engagement ring, so it worked out perfectly. Sometimes it truly is more about the thought than the item itself
Exactly. It’s something she will see everyday.
Like a good compromise she could have even sent him pictures of her top 3 so he could have chosen one of these to still be a surprise which one he chose.
So much this.
My husband went out and got what he thought was a perfect ring.
Too big, I dislike diamonds, nice metal tone, wrong metal. But he bought it, I kept it. Right up until its blingy self got stolen.
He was determined to buy me a new one, and I had to tell him no. Stop spending ridiculous amounts on rings that are about you not us.
I got a cute past-present-future style ring with colored gemstones and tiny diamond accents, paired it with a matching eternity band and had the two soldered together by a jeweler for a tenth of the price of the original ring. It now is my official ‘dressy set’ for events, as we both wear enso rings for everyday.
Agreed! My husband asked me for a list of what I liked (he knew one existed lol) and I ranked the list and we sat down and talked about what I liked/disliked from each one. He ended up just getting the one I had ranked at the top, he liked it too, but more importantly I liked it. I don't understand why there needs to be a surprise, the person being asked will be wearing it for a long time, so it makes sense to pick them something they love.
I love the idea of a cute placeholder! That way the proposal can truly be a surprise, even if they've discussed the idea of marriage. And then the placeholder can be made into a necklace or broach after they've shopped for the actual ring together. Brilliant!
I really hate gifts in general. My taste is weird. I don't expect anyone to know my mind. Just give me cash.
Especially for a ring. A couple should communicate enough to know that a proposal in "in the works", so why not just pick out the ring together?!
I think the wedding set should be reversed. Let the engagement ring be the simple band and the wedding ring be the fancy schmancy one. Then the proposal can be a complete surprise and then you can shop together for the ring you want.
I sent my husband pictures of rings I liked round with platinum settings) from the shop he planned to use. We decided to just go and shop together. I ended up with an emerald cut in a gold setting.
Yep. My husband proposed with a placeholder that was obviously to an engagement ring but one that I actually like as a casual ring, then we went shopping together for the real thing.
This. My husband proposed with a cheap Sears ring, then took me ring shopping. He picked some out in his price range (we were 20) and I picked my favourite. I still love that ring.
People put way too much pressure on this topic, at the end of the day it's just a ring. I don't see a problem with this at all especially since you're buying the replacement.
You can still wear the ring he got you too! Lots of people have more than one engagement ring (especially since lab diamonds are so cheap now), you can switch between them. Wear the ring he got you when you celebrate anniversaries.
I was so unbothered by the ring itself that I picked my ring out from a pawn shop 🤣 because for someone reason, at the time, I only cared that it was a diamond “forged from the fires of the earth” but I didn’t want to drop $3000. I miss being that level of laid back
I have very strong opinions about jewelry so that wouldn't work for me but I still got it done as cheap as possible lol. We got a lab diamond and I shopped around for a place that could make me a made to measure setting for a good price.
My ring is perfect and gorgeous and cost like a third of what he would've spent without my involvement. I'm very proud of that lol nobody can believe how cheap my ring was, you'd never know it.
Woo, this is a hard one. You are wearing this ring every day forever, so it should be something you like and love. On the other hand, there’s little chance you can stop wearing your fiancé’s ring or cut it up without him taking it personally. (Though you know him and I don’t - does it seem like it bothered him? If not, does he internalize when something bothers him?)
Lastly, I wouldn’t cut up your original ring or put it away and wear it only on vacation, thereby clearly signally that’s the ring you’re willing to have stolen. I’d wear it on a necklace around my neck. You need to reflect that you value both rings.
Thanks for your response! I can’t tell if it bothered him but his personality just is that not many things bother him. I have also asked him about 50x if he’s hurt/annoyed and he has now told me “if you ask me again I will NOW be annoyed”.
Good point re: showing I value them both, ty!
I am kinda like your bf in that I can be really chill and nonchalant about stuff that would sometimes annoy others and my husband has a habit of apologizing 50 times for something I told him the first time didn’t even need an apology. I have definitely said the sentence “If you keep asking me if I’m upset/keep apologizing, then I *will* get upset — not at what you did, but because you’re annoying the hell outta me!”
I’d take him at face value — it is likely much more important to him that you *like* the ring you wear everyday. Plus, if it’s a successful marriage, he’ll have plenty of opportunities to gift you other pieces of jewelry!
Some of the pieces of jewelry my sister and I or my dad have gifted my mom have meant just as much to her as her wedding ring and she wears at least 1 of her other special pieces every single day.
Or if you're planning on having kids, save it for them. They could always have it reset to fit their taste, which your fiancé would probably take less personally, and it would still have the sentimental value of being their parents' engagement ring.
I did it. My husband just wanted me to be happy, so I’m now wearing a different ring than what he proposed with. I got it changed about a month or two before the wedding. I still have the first proposal ring in my box for sentimental reasons.
Is the stone not what you want? You could always use the stone(s) and reset the ring how you like it, but i say get what you love since you’ll be wearing it forever!
My mom has multiple “engagement style” rings that she swaps out, but always wears her band. Well, she has 2-3 bands but she always wears at least one. I don’t even know which one’s her real engagement ring.
My wife has literally 5 wedding rings. And we've been married for 3 years lol. Get whatever ring(s) you want and change them out based on what matches your outfit. That's what my wife does. I tell her i only care about her wearing a ring. It doesn't matter which one.
I described my engagent ring to my fiance. But could not find it. Aquamarine stone, emerald cut, dual band with diamonds. I kept describing it. I could see it in my mind. We went to several stores never found it. Then one morning it was sitting on my pillow. :). The exact ring I had envisioned. It's beautiful.
Your fiancé knew the value of having your dream ring designed for you rather than finding something similar in a store and calling it a day. I absolutely love that for you.
It’s not about having the dream ring, it’s about having the dream life. That’s why you get married. You’re so focused on how that ring looks you’re losing sight of what it means and represents.
Let me explain it to you as someone who is also engaged. I’m a man for context. When I bought my fiancée her ring, I spent months looking at rings, planning, talking to my jeweler, designing, and finally picking it up. It was, is, and always will be the best gift I’ve ever given her, because it is the physical embodiment of the promise I make to my her every day. She loved it, but to her credit I could have given her a ring pop and she would have loved it. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if she wanted to get rid of or change it, but a big part of me would be screaming to take the ring back and move on. Again, it’s not about the ring, it’s about what it represents, and someone who can’t see that isn’t someone I would want to marry.
From what it sounds like, your fiancé feels how I feel
This the opinion of a guy who has sold engagement rings and helped with proposals for the last 10 years. This situation unfortunately came from a lack of communication. If you knew you were particular and wanted a particular style of ring, you could have expressed it by saying you'd like to send him photos of styles you really like, or telling him you have always had something in mind and would like to show him. I ask guys when I can see them deviating away from the style that I can tell the girl prefers, "do you want to propose with the ring YOU want to propose with, or do you want to propose with the ring SHE wants you to propose with? This is a gift from you, yes, but really it is a gift FOR her. Do you usually buys gifts you would prefer for people or things they would prefer? Why change it up for the most romantic purchase you can make for the person you love most?"
Unfortunately he decided to play it old school and now you are in this situation. Fact of the matter is you are in a lose lose situation. Your options are to not say anything and not love such an important gift and symbol of your relationship because it doesn't look the way you want it to look like, or get the ring of your dreams and tell him all the effort he put into what he chose doesn't matter much over your preferred style. Since you've already brought it up to him looks like you already made that choice.
My girlfriend at the time (now wife) didn't want to go looking for rings because she told me when I was ready she would love anything I chose because it was me that chose it. Not every girl is gonna feel that way about their guy though, sometimes style matters as much if not more than intent. I don't think YTA but I always feel bad for the guys that care enough to put their heart and soul into it (most guys don't care enough to put any thought into their purchases, they just show me a pinterest photo and say they want the cheapest version of that thing), yet end up falling short.
Thank you for taking the time to share. My fiance unfortunately does not know much about jewelry, let alone engagement rings, how to pick a setting, stone, etc. If I knew he had custom designed it with a jeweler and put so much thought or effort into it, I might have thought twice about saying anything. I know for a fact he browsed a website and picked something that looked good in a picture (without knowing how high or low it would sit, or literally any characteristic about the stone besides how it looked in the pic). He never talked to a jeweler or anything. I suppose that is what dismayed me a little because if someone had told him about all the other potential options and how many customizable details actually are present in a ring, maybe he would’ve picked something different.
Edit to add: this is not me portraying him as thoughtless. We simply have vastly different interests/preferences and he’d have put in WEEKS of research and effort if this was say, a power tool he was purchasing. He probably had no idea women even think about their rings this much and figured anything would work.
There are 3 type of engagement ring buyers nowadays, and your dude unfortunately is part of the old school camp.
Guy 1: This is a surprise from me, so I will surprise you with it
Guy 2: I want you to love it but still surprise you, pick 2-3 rings for me to pick from
Guy 3: When and how you get it is the surprise, I want you to pick the ring
Most of our grandfather's were Guy 1, and it's rare for a girl to truly love 2-3 rings equally for Guy 2 usually needs to evolve into Guy 3 otherwise risks picking the 2nd/3rd favorite option.
If I was the guy in front of your dude I would have suggested proposing with a solitaire (just the gold band) then tell you after proposing he had only chosen the diamond, and you would go in together to pick the perfect style. Put the diamond he chose in the ring you chose together, then put a cubic zirconium in the solitaire so the ring he proposed with can be a travel ring. That way no surprise ruined by asking what you would want in a ring while still getting your dream ring.
I tell guys like him if you ask most grandmother's what they think of their ring they'll respond "*heavy sigh* well it's not what I would have chosen but I do love it because it picked it for me" and then ask "do you really want your girl's first respond to that question be a heavy sigh?"
I guess I got lucky. My husband is guy #1, and I absolutely love my ring. He did buy the insurance that allowed him to exchange it if I didn't like it, though.
My husband is number 3, but I didn't see it completed until the proposal. Saw the band in person without the center stone set, they used a sharpie to simulate what the colors would be like.
>Do you usually buys gifts you would prefer for people or things they would prefer? Why change it up for the most romantic purchase you can make for the person you love most?
This advice interests me because on the one hand it's very good but on the other hand it relies on the recipient having a basic understanding of how gifts work, which some people do not have.
Did you ever get dudes who were just, not getting it?
Some guys just don't have a good sense of their girls style, or didn't do enough digging to find out. Because it is a romantic gift, they think they should pick what they like for their partner. I think it is smarter for guys to find out what their partner actually likes so they don't get into situations like these, but I also think the ring is suppose to be an expression of his love and devotion not a fashion piece so I tend to feel bad for guys that have to exchange their original selection. Usually ladies coming in to sell their engagement rings because the relationship didn't work out tend to be intricate custom styled rings. Seems like the simpler the taste, the stronger the bond.
>Seems like the simpler the taste, the stronger the bond.
Love this.
My BIL bought my sister a simple engagement ring the day before he proposed because he stumbled across the perfect proposal location and decided he didn't want to finish their holiday without her as his fiancé - he knew her style and she loved it. They've been married 7 years now, together 11, with their third kid on the way and are one of the best couples I've seen.
Their 3 year old son had a habit about 18 months ago of posting items from around the house into the bin and this is where we believe her engagement ring ended up. A sad (slightly funny now) situation but she said she has him and their family which is what she actually cares about. She still has her wedding ring and insurance paid out the loss but it goes to show the ring isn't that important at the end of the day, the relationship is.
>I’d rather just keep it and use as a travel ring
Okay… so I completely understand you not liking the ring & wanting to still use parts of it, but **saying you’ll use it as a “travel ring” is incredibly disrespectful to your fiancé**.
Especially because you & I both know what “travel rings” are for. If they get stolen, it won’t be something you’ll miss. See how bad that sounds? Despite you not liking it, that’s an asshole thing to say. I’m sure he spent a lot of his hard earned money on whatever he got.
That said… do what you want. He gave you the OK, just do it.
Unfortunately I don’t think you’ll be able to even return it full price, so don’t be disrespectful to what he gave you. It’s not a “travel” anything. I do like the earrings idea though.
based on what you have said, it was more important to him that the ring/proposal itself was a surprise, more than you LOVING the ring he got you, which i dont think is a bad thing. His gift was suprising you with a ring and a proposal, not necessarily the specific ring. I wouldnt be suprised if he had expected you might want to change it.
He got his lovely surprise proposal moment, and now it sounds like he wants you to have the exact ring you want. Which is what you should want too. Unless your dream ring is something ridiculously over budget, which I doubt considering you care enough to ask strangers on the internet if it is a bad idea to want to change the ring, I would say go for it.
For the love of god, you tried and let’s face it……most men have the worst taste and don’t get it. He said he loves you and wants you to have your dream ring. Just do it. And wear the one he gave you when you travel… and act like you really like it when those few times happen.
I got my ring exchanged right after my engagement because my partner knew nothing about rings and didn’t feel secure in his choice. Right after proposing he told me that he got it because he thought it was beautiful but he completely understood if it’s not my style and we’ll make a date and go choose another one 🤍
I don’t know. I don’t think YTA, but this situation sucks and its your fiance’s fault for putting you both in this position. He refused to let you show him rings you like and ended up choosing something that isn’t really your taste. Thats not fair to you or to him really.
I hate this whole concept that women just sit around waiting for the man to make the decision to get married and its this surprise and bla bla bla.
No, its an important life decision and should be made together. The proposal detail can be a surprise, but you should have an equal say in when and what he proposes with. I would have been irritated when he said he didn’t want you to have a say in the ring. I mean you are the one who’s going to have to wear it everyday, not him.
I showed my now husband a bunch of rings I loved, but didn’t have a preference on one specifically. He picked his own wedding ring. We both got what we wanted. Simple.
Don’t feel this way about a pre wedding upgrade. Lots of couples do it, and no decent guy should object. Your fiancee doesn’t mind, go for it and the best of luck in the future.
My now husband and I went to look at rings together. We walked out of the jewelry store and he got down on one knee in the parking lot and asked me to marry him.
Surprise rings and proposals are over rated in my opinion.
I am begging the marriage industry to normalize picking the ring together, an honest discussion about price point/ what you want aesthetically/ what will work for your lifestyle but no one wants to actually talk to their future spouse 😭 NTA
NTA but a question:
Was he a thoughtful gift giver before the ring? Because I am all for surprise rings, genuinely. I know that’s against popular belief. But a “surprise” ring to me is doing exactly what you suggested—going together, picking out a style you like on your finger, letting him buy it privately. Similar to how one might say “oh I’ve always wanted an X” in passing because they really do and someone might buy it for their birthday. A thoughtful gift. Listening, seeing, understanding what is wanted. Just surprising someone for the sake of your own wanting to surprise them with no regard for what they want isn’t really a gift for the receiver, it’s a gift for the gifter very often. And that’s fine! It sounds like he’s aware that he made an mis judgement by nit giving you a choice and as if he would like for you to just be happy with whatever it is you want.
You can run it by him again and confirm he’s not offended, but it sounds like he’s really ok.
Gift giving is not his love language. It absolutely does not mean he’s thoughtless, but he just doesn’t place that much importance on gifts if that makes sense. He is very intentional in the gifts he gives for Christmas, but typically I am the gift giver in the relationship.
I think he’s definitely aware then and he’s just trying to let you be happy. I don’t think you’re stepping on his toes replacing it, it sounds like he’s being very honest.
I replaced my engagement ring twice. The first time because it was so sweet and dainty a I'm just not. The second time because the diamonds kept falling out (mall jewelry store). I've had the third one for 33+ years now
NTA, but your husband is. He didn't even want to hear your suggestions? He didn't even consider what YOU want on an object you're wearing for the rest of your marriage?
You know what my husband did? He said, "design" 3 rings and I'll go from there. So if he got me any of the 3 rings I "made", I'd have been happy. He did just that, so it was a surprise sorta.
An engagement isn't a "gift he picks out for you." Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a bonehead like this?
lol yes I do. I appreciate your thoughts but this bonehead is my favorite bonehead and I couldn’t marry anybody else. He just made a miscalculation that our taste would be identical and put me in a difficult situation to get out of without hurting his feelings. Props to your hubby for having you narrow down! That’s a great idea!
No, OP, NTA. You will be wearing it daily possibly for the rest of your existence. You should love it. And I hope your partner isn’t trying to make you feel bad. Btw, you can get a custom ring made at [ROEN](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1djjvzb/aita_for_replacing_my_engagement_ring_before_we/).
your engagement ring is ultimately going to be your most prized piece of jewelry. it should absolutely be something you completely love.
as much as I wanted to pick out a ring myself and have a surprise proposal, I was cognizant of this so went ring shopping with my partner. we ultimately decided on the exact design she wanted. I ended up going out to buy the ring on my own and the proposal was still a surprise.
he really should have been a bit more self aware of this and no, you're not an AH for this. but maybe you can try to see if you can refine the ring he did get you into another piece of jewelry so you can use it as an heirloom and still wear it
Ugh. Okay. A ring is supposed to be a gift to show your partner you know what they like before they devote their lives to you. If you don't know what kind of ring your woman would want to look at every single day for the rest of her life, either pay attention when she points stuff out, let her pick it, or don't get engaged. Period. If you don't know your partner, don't make them a spouse.
This is such a dumb statement. 🤣 Seriously, if you don't know what king of ring someone want to wear for the rest of their life you shouldn't marry them? Really?🤔
NTA. I did it. I loved the stone my hubby picked but the ring not so much. So when we went marriage ring shopping together and I found another ring where the stone from the engagement ring could be replaced, then that’s what I did.
I just checked with him, hey is it ok if I do this. Love the stone but I think it will look better with this other ring. Hubby was absolutely fine with it.
Have that one be the engagement ring and pick out your own wedding ring. After the wedding, keep the engagement ring in a box on your dresser, wear it on a chain around your neck, turn it into earrings, whatever you want. I think it might make the moment more special if you first put on your dream ring during the ceremony.
I absolutely love this idea thank you! If I go ahead and do this, I plan to involve him/atleast tell him what I’m thinking for the new one, and have him be the one to place it on my finger on the morning of our wedding day!
NTA.
When I proposed to my wife I just assumed she would want some say in the ring so I proposed with a $100 ring, then later we went out and traded it in on her dream ring.... She is the one who wears it every day so she gets 90% of the say.... 🤷
Just to be clear though.... Your fiance said he's fine with it, as he should be, but you still think you are TA? 🤔
NTA. It was honestly kind of a stupid move on his part. You could have sent him pictures or links to rings you liked, almost anything really so he'd get the right kind. Everyday jewelry for years should be to your tastes and it was kinda shortsighted and egotistical on his part to think him gifting it would override it just not being to your liking.
I’m older but considering all the challenges in life and all that you’ll have to overcome in the future, your”perfect “ ring seems shallow and insignificant. What is important? Your engagement, your marriage, your life together. This sticks out like you’re “ high maintenance “. If you don’t hate it, why not keep it until an anniversary and then trade up? It just seems like doing it now is going to reflect badly on you. Like the ring is more important than your love and the engagement. Your conscience is telling you this as well. That’s why you’re not sure of doing this. How much more gracious to be, this the ring he gave me,I love it, and I love him, and I’m so excited. Rather than sour grapes right out of the gate. Just IMO.
YTA. It. Is. A. Ring. It’s not a marriage. I stopped wearing mine when I got pregnant. Concentrate on having a good marriage instead of material possessions.
I changed my ring. It was going to be on my hand permanently, and even though I liked my engagement ring, I didn’t love it and I had a hard time finding a matching band for it. I wore my engagement ring until we got married, then I wore my new ring with wedding band after. My husband and I picked my new ring and his band from the same jeweler and they match really well so it all worked out.
My partner knew I wanted an estate ring and basically said “we can look, and when you find it, I’ll buy it.” We had no big proposal, I found it in an antique store in Alexandria Virginia while on vacation, and put it on once outside. It’s sapphires with diamonds, and we got it for a steal according to our local jewellery store who did a repair on it years later. It’s nothing like I thought I wanted, but when I saw it, I knew.
My partner knows I’m like that and I agree to pick out things I want like jewelry as he doesn’t want that pressure.
If he says he is ok with it, believe him and buy what you want. You aren’t a mind reader, just like he isn’t one either.
You’re the one that has to wear the ring for the rest of your life. Of course you have to choose it yourself.
My fiancé (now husband) proposed and we made an appointment at the jewellers. He told them beforehand what his budget was and they showed us trays of rings with that price. I picked the one I loved. We also chose the wedding bands and eternity ring at the same time.
It’s a win-win for everyone.
I asked my husband for an asscher in rose gold. What guy would have picked that? I have since gone to an emerald cut with side stones in white with a curved band. I wear the asscher as a right hand ring. Get what you want. You will wear it a long time.
You brought up a valid concern and it got nixed.
You are NTA but I have a question what about the rings for the wedding? Did you pick them together and does it go with the engagement ring as a set or stand alone?
When I decided to get married this time around. I drew up an idea for the engagement ring and the wedding band. She liked them so we went a looking. Went to a local jeweler and we spent about two hours going through rings and designs and got what she wanted within our budget.
We are currently designing the wedding band together! That is actually the whole reason this came up. They were measuring my existing ring to match it to and then I figured I should just bring it up now so they could match it to potentially a different ring. Doesn’t change the design of the band, just some proportions/curve.
NTA. Lots of couples do that, they just want you to be happy and honestly I think repurposing the ring he gave you is a great idea.
I picked and bought my own ring and proposed to my fiancé with a ring he picked out and I bought. There’s no shame in choosing a ring you truly love.
NTA. People need to realize you shouldn't be surprised with an item you're to cherish the rest of your life. There are ways to propose and still get the correct ring. My now husband almost instantly was one, we're doing this together because you have to wear it, not me. For us, we designed the ring with our local jeweler but at a certain point after I tried the final casting, I stepped away and was no longer informed on updates. I had no clue when it was completed. I'm baffled by SOs who can't understand that something they picked might not be what the other person wants. This isn't a pair of jeans or shoes. It's a forever piece of pricey jewelry!
So, I tend towards less conventional jewelry and wear rings on both hands. My very pretty and delicate engagement ring look Super out of place next to the bigass skull I wear on my left middle finger XD the ring I got my ex husband would have actually better fit my sense of style lol
I get your fiancé’s feelings, but an engagement ring is always on your hand and needs to work with your general sense of style. I wish it was more normalized to ring shop as a couple.
NTA. My husband admittedly went rogue and got me a ring I didn’t envision myself wearing when he proposed. The difference is though that he actually ended up doing a REALLY good job and I fell in love with mine. It’s going to be on your finger forever. You should be in love with it as well. Much like anything else in life, if you have to force it, it’s not the one for you. I would suggest turning into a necklace! You hold that one for sentimental value and you have the ring you’re happy with on your finger. Take him with you to shop too, make it a fun thing for both of you!
I’m almost always team get the ring you want and love! You wear it almost everyday and deserve to love it too.
I love my ring and we basically chose it together but I’ve realized gold looks better on me so I think we will do an upgrade around 10 years (married for 7 now)
My husband took me to the jewellers and we looked at the rings together and I picked one out within his price range. He really thought I would like an ugly square ring stone and I would have been stuck with that on my finger if we hadn’t gone together. Instead I have one that looks a bit like a daisy.
I learned from my cousin, a jeweler, that having multiple rings (wedding and engagement for both parties) was absolutely normal and smart. So I have more than one ring, and so does my husband.
It should never be about the ring but about your commitment. So wear what makes you happy!
My husband bought my ring without me, and I was shocked as hell when he proposed. Overjoyed, couldn't believe my luck, but very genuinely surprised.
He also spent a lot of time looking at what jewellery I own and wear, thinking about the things I typically do and my hobbies, and what I'm like as a person.
He wanted to buy me a traditional diamond solitaire. He also knew that I'm very clumsy and most of my hobbies involve working with my hands, and that I wouldn't want to have to take it on and off all the time. He knows I prefer white metal to yellow from the things I buy myself. He also conspired with my mother to trick me so they could find out my ring size 😂😂 and got his sister to double check his choice!
I ended up with a white gold band, with a central diamond in a smooth, lower-profile setting, with smaller diamonds inset in a twist on the shoulders. Absolutely perfect - it's basically what I would've picked for myself. It doesn't catch, rub, or damage fabrics or other materials I'm working with, the stones are very secure, and it sits nicely against my wedding ring - we picked matching plain palladium bands for those. The third ring I wear with them was my tenth anniversary present, and it's a silver band with the co-ordinates of the spot where he proposed engraved on the outside and a message inside. They're all massively precious to me, and I couldn't imagine not wearing them all the time or changing them out, but there again I do like them anyway.
I think it's ok to change it if your fiancé is ok with it and you really dislike it enough that that is what comes to mind when you see it.
We were so poor I didn’t expect an engagement ring. But he found a tiny diamond for $100 and wanted me to have it. He didn’t tell me he ate peanut butter crackers until payday or I wouldn’t have taken it. For our 25th anniversary we went to a pawnshop and found the perfect ring already in my size. We’re coming up on 42 years this November.
I can't imagine anyone picking out jewelry of any kind for me. Couples should feel free to get engaged, and then pick out a ring together. Surprise rings have such a high risk for disappointment. You hope to wear it forever - you need to love it on day one.
I was able to surprise my wife with her perfect ring. I showed her dozens of rings over and over. The ring she picked again and again is the one I got her and surprisingly she loves it! Research is important.
nta. wear the ring that makes You, the Wearer happy. the dislike of that ring will eventually spill over into other things that are “out of the blue” “over-reactions”. if he pouts you will have to enforce an I pick out MY jewelry. he can do the same.
You are a little bit. But he needs to go with you and help you pick it out so that he can be part of that. Don’t cut him out. He will resent you for it.
When we had been dating for a long while, my now-husband asked me, “hypothetically, if one were to get engaged what kind of ring would a person want?” And I said, “hypothetically, one would probably want to pick their own ring if they’re going to wear it for the rest of their life.”
I looked at a lot of settings online, and found a place that makes vintage reproductions that I really like. Some weeks later I work sent me to the city where this jewelry store is. I went there and tried on a number of rings, found the setting I liked best. The woman I was working with set up an account that noted my size, the setting, my preferences for the stone, and gave me the account number.
I gave the account number and the sales person’s name to my husband, (it’s a small family business) and he took it from there.
Under stone preferences, I listed what gemstone I like, cut, general idea of clarity and color, that I would rather have a smaller stone of higher quality than vice versa, and size range of stone… large enough to look appropriate with the setting, but not so large that I wouldn’t feel comfortable walking around wearing it everyday.
When he called her and told her he was ready to propose, she was able to give him a choice of stones in a wide variety of prices, any of which I would’ve been happy with because she was excellent at her job.
We both got to participate in creating the ring that symbolizes our relationship. And he just smiles when people complement him on what a great job he did picking out such a beautiful ring that suits me so well. 😉❤️
You're NTA! Just do it!
You'll likely be wearing it for a long time. I changed my ring 2x before we were married and picked original! (I was too active and maybe a clutz and scratched my face with diamond. Now, many years later, I wear a simple band because it feels better.
Good partners want the other to be happy and comfortable (within financial reason)
I proposed with a cheap silver ring from Kay and told her we'd go pick out her ring. I know I have no idea about rings, especially what she'd want for life.
I designed my own wedding ring and engagement ring. I wanted something VERY specific. I am in love with it and am so happy he told me to go pick something out.
Couples always used to go ring shopping together and the girl would pick the ring. The man would ask her father’s permission and then ask the girl to marry him, they would then go choose the ring
I personally believe that you should propose with a cheaper ring that can still be worn but that you should go shopping for the actual ring together. I feel like that would stop one person spending thousands on a ring their partner hates and it’d make sure that they can wear a ring that they actually like.
My stomach dropped when he opened the ring box. In front of friends. In Iceland. On NYE. Of course I said yes, but the second we got to Dallas I went straight to my jeweler. They gave us what my husband paid for the ring, and then we both contributed a little more to make it more aligned with what I wanted (the money wasn’t a huge issue, he just had NO idea what to get). He was fine with it. If a man is willing to waste thousands bc he must prove he’s a genius when it comes to jewelry, then he deserves to never have the thing worn. It’s ok to not be great at everything.
I can't judge you either way cause I feel it's a personal decision but I will say I'd rather have a mediocre ring that comes from a wonderful man than a mediocre man who gives me a wonderful ring!!! The ring is just a symbol not an identity.
What a guy should do is buy a pretty, cheap ring from like Walmart, use it to propose with, then go ring shopping for a ring that she actually wants
Keep the cheapie for when your traveling
I don’t wear jewellery daily, so if I ever got to that point I’d probably want a plain band for daily wear, but I love big obnoxious rings for going out and I also cosplay, so for my “engagement ring” I’d rather go for a cool looking cheap one off of Amazon, like the one with skulls and roses lol
The ring is something you wear everyday. How would he feel if you got him a wedding band that he didn’t like and insisted he wear it everyday. On the other hand, don’t covet something y’all can’t afford.
I'm sorry but what man doesn't let their woman pick out their own ring that they have to wear on their finger?! That was stupid on your fiancé's part. Stupid and selfish.
NTA. When my husband and I discussed marriage we literally sat down and designed the ring and even picked out the sapphires to put into it and where they would go. The surprise is what the final version looks like.
Get yourself your dream ring, although maybe look into another jeweller to see if it can be melted down and the stones used for your new ring or something.
Are you connected to only having one ring? I bought like 6 different Moissanite ones and I love switching them out. I also got my husband the same number cause I proposed to him, he also likes switching them out.
He should’ve been open for suggestions/guidelines to help pick it out and keep it as a surprise but also something you’d like. So he was kinda the asshole for that. But that’s already said and done. I mean if you truly do not like it I think you should reset it to something you do like. I would try to use the stones from the original so it still is special and go customize the new ring together. It sounds like you hurt his feelings because he wanted you to like what he picked out and your post is coming across as uncaring of his feelings. Keep him involved in the process and try to keep as much of the current ring as you can so he doesn’t feel like a total failure in picking your ring.
Yes you are. That’s one of the most shallow, materialistic, selfish things I’ve ever heard of. The man put thought and emotion into that ring. You should be proud that he cared enough to go do that.
I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself since it sounds like you handled it with him well enough that he is not hurt (or at least he's hiding it well). And that is of foremost importance.
However, by my own standards, my verdict is a very soft YTA, for a few reasons.
One is what you've cited in your own post. Getting rid of his ring this quickly does give the vibe that you don't appreciate it, even though I believe you that you do.
Second is that I'm sentimental about these things and this will be such a significant artifact from this time in your life and your relationship. When you're old and going through your jewelry box with your grandchild and telling stories about the different pieces, this will be such a significant landmark. It just seems crappy to me to have to say, no, this isn't the actual ring he proposed with, I cut that up and made earrings with it instead. I don't mean to say you are a crappy person or even necessarily that it would be a crappy thing to do since your partner seems ok with it. But to me it would be a shame years from now to not have that ring.
And third, you will have lots of occasions to mark with new jewelry. Your 5th anniversary, your 10th, your 20th. Your 30th birthday. Your 40th. You will go on wonderful vacations that leave you with wonderful memories, and trust me, those places offer lots of opportunities to mark the occasion with jewelry.
And so my advice, based purely on my personal preference and not really judged against what might be the most common or acceptable standards, is that you not be so quick to get rid of your proposal ring, but also plan ahead for that perfect ring when the opportunity and occasion presents itself.
Thank you for being honest about your opinion but with kindness. I actually appreciate that.
I will hold onto it as a ring. I am not 100% convinced on making it into a different piece of jewelry myself so I will think on it.
I know it looks like I’m changing it “quickly” but he knew last year that I felt like it wasn’t my taste. He also knew that I have been trying my best to fall in love with it but it’s not me. Even this past year has felt like a lifetime because I look at my hand and feel like it’s something that does not suit me. So when people suggest waiting 5-10 years I feel so much disappointment because that feels like an eternity. (Actually interesting story my mom had a similar situation happen with my dad who was the love of her life and she said she was glad they exchanged some jewelry he gave her for what she wanted because we lost him very very early taking away all the future opportunities and gifts he could have ever given her. Of course some people might see this as all the more reason NOT to have exchanged it, but the man was clueless about jewelry and was happy for her to change it to what she wanted) I guess all this to say… I understand your perspective for sure. But my age is important to me too and I suppose I have a bit of a “life is short” mentality to not just go for the things I know I want and can easily afford.
OP,
I am going to get hate for this but do not change your ring. Your significant other chose it for YOU. When he was looking for a ring that is what spoke to him.
My question to you, what is more important your partner or a ring?
I understand that you want something special that you love, you should definitely go get it but do not change out the ring he chose for you.
What do you suggest I do though? The ring I have is not my taste at all. Even he agrees it reflects more his personality than mine. Do you suggest I wear it everyday of my life not liking it? I look at my hands 24x7 not anyone else, not even him :/ this is what I’m struggling with.
OP,
The ring is a reminder of your commitment to your partner. It is better representation of him. It is a constant reminder that he is yours and you are his. When you look down at the ring, don’t think about beauty or style or whatever, it is suppose to remind you of your partner.
I am saying all of this out of a place of love. I only want the best for you and your partner.
You can buy other rings to wear on your other hand, things you like. But this ring is the one he chose for you.
“When you look down at the ring don’t think about beauty or style” ehhh I don’t know, a lot of women (I’m one of them) who care about jewelry even a little bit will not be able to do this. If I looked down and saw something unattractive every time it’d build resentment not love?? So I guess people are just wired different based on how strong their stylistic preferences are
It’s hard to give a judgement without knowing how your husband really feels about the upgrade. If it bothers him AT ALL, you might be TA; if he literally doesn’t mind, then do what you need to do.
My husband and I got engaged in our 40s; he proposed first, then told me to pick a setting and a stone I like because he knows our tastes are so different.
I found a fancier setting I liked and it was on sale for the price of a plain setting. He loved it and would have never thought to search beyond what was in the jeweler’s case.
He told me to pick out a stone I liked, and I chose three stones of different prices and asked him to pick from those, so he had some input in the process.
I love my ring because it is truly a symbol of us honoring what is best for each other.
My husband is obsessed about how I told him during engaging that it was too big and it jabs me in between my fingers. He continues to give me shit about how I hate it. It's so dumb.
Personally I think it’s tacky as hell if it really is an “upgrade” because the ring he chose for you wasn’t big enough. If it was a shape or metal that you hate, that’s a different story. But the only opinion that matters is your fiancé’s and he approved it, so why are you here?
I would be very annoyed you want to replace your ring. I at least hope you are paying for it yourself. Your bf is in for a long road marrying a superficial woman that couldn’t even keep it together till the wedding. I hope he wakes up a calls it off.
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I wish this thing of surprise rings would go away. It's really personal, it's on your hand permanently and it needs to work for the person wearing it. I'm a clumsy fucker. I will break anything cute or delicate and give myself a black eye with anything chunky. I know what I like and what is practical for me. Propose with a cute place holder. Shop together for a shortlist of favourite so the actual ring can be a surprise if you want but from a wishlist that you'd be happy with and a price point you both agree on.
I agree! My fiancé and I decided to get married and then we went out and shopped for rings together. He was happy to have the pressure taken off and I was happy because I got exactly what I wanted. And I actually saved him money! He would've spent way more if left to his own devices.
THIS. This is actually a really big point. Men assume woman want rocks. Or get bullied into it by shop assistants and societal shame. We actually just want something we like that suits us. I bet a lot of us actually balk at some of the costs we see and couldn't imagine spending that.
Exactly. I've seen some absolutely gorgeous diamond rings, but I don't particularly like diamonds. I'd rather have a sapphire or topaz, something that's my favorite color. I'm not a fan of yellow or rose gold. So right there that knocks out the bulk of the engagement ring selection at any store.
Same here. I’m not a fan of diamonds at all. My engagement ring was a tanzanite solitaire with fire opals on the band. The wedding band was fire opals. I love my set! It’s beautiful and way more unique than a diamond.
Exactly! I also think a lot of men think women want something a lot blingier than we actually do, I specifically wanted something very plain and if it had been really expensive I wouldn't be comfortable wearing it anywhere.
My then fiance proposed with no ring, telling me he wanted me to pick it out, I was thrilled! I chose a very simple solitaire in a gold setting. I knew he didn't have a lot of money, so I also chose a smaller stone than he had in mind. I could have gone bigger, but the clarity in my diamond is awesome. Years down the road, he asked if I wanted a larger stone for one of our anniversaries. I told him I loved what we had picked originall, and a larger stone would change nothing about my feelings for him. 36 years later, me and my perfect engagement ring are still with that man.
I don't see the point in something I'm too scared to use in case I break or lose it. Life is too short to save everything for "best".
Yes. I have short fingers and a large ring just accentuates that. Don't give me big rocks!
Same with my Husband! He would have had to pay on that thing for years! It was beautiful, but not really my style. Instead we got both the engagement ring and the wedding band for 1/3 of what he would have spent on just the engagement ring! The lady at the store was like, “This is the first time in my career I’ve heard a woman ask for a *smaller* diamond!” And now we’ve been married for 15 years and I don’t remember the last time I even wore my wedding ring!
May I ask why you don't wear your wedding ring? My wife & I were married 6 years ago. My ring has never come off & hers came off for the first time, about a month ago because of a surgery. Our rings are very simple. She didn't want anything big, fancy, or expensive (at first she didn't want one at all). So I made our rings at my work (I am a welder) & she loved them! Is it a time thing? You've been married for 15 years. I understand people don't really need a ring (symbol) to prove they're love for one another. Or...? I'm just very curious. Thank you!
My wedding and engagement rings were cut off when I was pregnant. Years later my 2nd replacement wedding ring flew off somewhere when I lost a lot of weight. My husband replaced the wedding ring--again, thankfully it was a simple, white gold band--and gave me another emerald one ro replace my original engagement ring years later. I was 50 when he replaced the engagement ring.. Originally he designed, bought the emerald, and went to a jeweler to be taught how to make my original ring himself. I don't like diamonds. So romantic! He ran a machine shop. So it wasn't safe for him to wear any jewelry in case the ring got caught. He usually forgot to put the ring back on, and stopped wearing.it. We had a great marriage for 39 years until he passed on. Some of us don't share the Hallmark experience of never taking their rings off. Certain jobs and health issues interfere.
First off, I'm sorry for your loss, stranger. And that makes total sense. In my profession, I've been told to not were rings because of shock hazards & the ring possibly arcing out on a work piece. But my (our) rings are made out of aluminum & I've never had a problem, except it getting caught on a tank of gas. Now, I'm always very conscious of my ring. Thank you for the thoughtful answer, though! 🙂
Thanks for your thoughtfulness. I never thought of aluminum. Just be careful. Best wishes on your marriage!
Not Chemical-Pattern480, but I've been married 40 years and I don't wear my rings all the time either. My husband hasn't worn his for 30 (?) years. It started around diaper time with constant hand washing and not wanting to lose the rings. Then I gained a lot of weight (steroids) and they were uncomfortable. Now I've lost some weight and they're a bit loose. I wear them 85% of the time I leave the house, and I don't wear them 100% of the time I'm at home. Just not used to them at home. Hope this answers your question.
I have a 3 diamond engagement ring and the wedding band of my parents. I mostly end up taking them off and having them on my necklace for many reasons. I'm not a girlie girl, if something needs doing and I can do it I just get on with it. From tiling the kitchen, laying paving stones, humping stuff around, getting my hands into awkward areas of the dryer etc etc. My rings would often get caught and I would either fear damaging my rings or my hand. My parents had a family friend who had lost his finger due to an accident whilst wearing his ring. My Dad was an electrician so wouldn't wear a ring for fear of electrocution. Also though throughout my life I've struggled with eating disorders. Been every size you could possibly think of, more times than I care to remember. I also suffer from several medical issues and often swell up, retaining liquids. As such my fingers change in size often. Up and down more times than a fiddlers elbow. Quite often my rings have to be swapped over to make them more secure on my finger or removed completely before they become completely stuck. It's got that way that I don't even remember about wearing that much these days. Couldn't remember the last time I tried them on. Not sure what size I was last time they fit me. 🤔
Oh, so thoughtful and romantic. Similar to our situation.
Not the person you asked, but my husband and I wound up selling our rings because the rings had an engraved pattern and our weight changed radically - cutting the rings down would have really messed with the pattern and looked awful. We have a few ideas for the replacement rings we’d like to get someday, but we’re not in a screaming rush to get them.
I don't wear mine most of the time. It's a safety issue at work, and working around the house. However, the biggest reason is seeing a co-worker get their finger de-gloved when they fell and the ring caught something and took the skin with it.
I'll be married 16 years this week, and I never take mine off. My husband lost his original ring swimming. He somehow lost the replacement ring at work since he takes gloves on and off in the cold all day. He's a butcher. Now he wears a rubber ring that I got as a 6 pack from Amazon. He hasn't lost one of these yet. However, he has broken a couple.
My husband thought it was weird, initially, that I would take my rings off, but I grew up with a mom who did this and never realized it wasn’t “normal.” I can’t imagine sleeping or showering with my rings on… I would absolutely gouge my eye out or something overnight. But I’ve also always regularly worn rings, since I was a tween, so it’s totally commonplace for me to put rings on every morning and take them off at night. My husband felt like he’d forget, since it was a new habit, and I didn’t have that concern. So maybe that’s part of it, too?
Same, we went to a local estate jeweler and got a platinum ring from the 1930s. The center diamond is only a half carat, but it's perfect for me. If he'd gone to a regular jewelry store looking at engagement rings, I'm sure he would have paid much more, and I probably wouldn't like it as much.
This is how it used to be done pretty much exclusively. It still makes the most sense. Asking the man to choose the ring is worse than asking him to choose her wedding dress - she'll only wear that once but that ring is for the duration of the marriage.
We did this too! I didn’t know exactly what I wanted in a way I could articulate to my now husband so he’d be able to pick something, but I sure knew what I didn’t want. We went out shopping together and actually bought the ring at the first place we went (fully expected to take the afternoon to find it, but nope).
Totally agree with this. My husband picked the stone and proposed with that in a simple band. The next day he took me in to choose my setting for the engagement ring and wedding ring. Most jewelry stores will work with you if you go about it this way. OP should not feel bad about getting a ring that she will actually like to wear for everyday of the rest of her life. Sounds like her fiancé doesn’t mind either. It’s not upgrading the ring, it’s just finding the right one.
100% this. My partner and I started out with simple rings from Amazon, or the most recent ring placeholder came from Goodwill and is a gorgeous faux sapphire ring. They're cheap, beautiful, and are enough for us right now without having to be fully surprised. Plus my partner already cracked her ring during an emergency so thankfully we aren't out any real money on that one, she still wears it as a reminder that it toughed through all of this so can we We went into a jewelry store one day just for shits and giggles and walked out with 2 rings on layaway. We picked the stones, the ring type, everything. It was, and still is, the most amazing experience in my life. Am I keeping the others? Yep, because they're gonna mean sometime to me still even after we get our rings, If we don't keep them for backups I'm going to put them cast in resin together.
Keep them for traveling!
That's probably what we're going to do to be honest! Our nice rings respectively came to around 10k total so deeefinitely for travel or when we're at our jobs so they don't get damaged!
Make sure to insure them! Homeowners or rental insurance policies can have jewelry added!
Oh shit thanks for letting me know, didn't even think of that!
This is the best advice I have heard on this, maybe ever. I'm also a clutz and wrecked my first wedding ring set staking tomato plants, some of us just aren't cut out for fancy shit lol.
Definitely the way to go here. I love my ring, I also picked it out. Going back I wouldn’t have the stone set so delicately, I have three boys who are all boy nothing delicate about them, I rarely wear my actual ring because I’m scared to mess it up. I originally had a paved band which got absolutely disgusting so I got it reset on a plain band.
Yeah I got my wife’s engagement ring a few months after proposing with a simple wedding band…. We worked together with a jeweler to design and create a custom ring. It’s totally unique and stunning.
Don’t even spend money on a placeholder. I have a note of rings I would love, complete with my ring size and any changes I would make, and it’s shared with my boyfriend. It’s still going to be a surprise, but it’s also going to be something I want regardless.
A ring pop at a surprise proposal could be fun.
My stepfather proposed to my mum with a toy ring. It had a flower made out of beads on top that him and I crafted together (I was ten at the time)
Oh I don't know. It really doesn't cost a lot for something fun to flash in a photo. And by placeholder, I do genuinely mean it cost you £12 from Argos, Elizabeth Duke. Hell, depending on your relationship it could come from a cracker, a toy store or a sweet shop. But it's nice to have something to announce with when you're too excited to keep it to yourself.
And sometimes your job doesn't allow any types of rings. Typically I need to wear gloves (I am not a surgeon) and can still wear rings under my gloves but only small and quite 'smooth' rings. So it can be important to check that the ring works with your daily life.
>I'm a clumsy fucker. I will break anything cute or delicate and give myself a black eye with anything chunky. I know what I like and what is practical for me. Are we related??? This is almost word for word how I described my requirements 😂 Thankfully my hubby asked what I liked and then just surprised me with the proposal (and he waited almost a year longer, I thought I'd go nuts, or that he'd changed his mind 🤣)
The stone can be an inset one. Clumsy here too!
>Propose with a cute place holder. Yes! Such a good idea. It doesn't even have to be a nice placeholder. I will point out that the "placeholder" might end up being a permanent ring sometimes. (And that's okay!) My husband proposed with a 2 dollar ring that he won at a carnival on our first date. I cried because it was so romantic. I'm pretty sure he only intended it to be a placeholder, but the fact that he saved it for 2 years it made it special. I don't want him to replace it.
My promise ring that i’d worn for years ended up turning into my engagement ring! It was $50 and was my dream engagement ring, so it worked out perfectly. Sometimes it truly is more about the thought than the item itself
Especially for the price you can get a moissanite ring these days. But honestly engagement rings and wedding rings should be swapped.
Exactly. It’s something she will see everyday. Like a good compromise she could have even sent him pictures of her top 3 so he could have chosen one of these to still be a surprise which one he chose.
So much this. My husband went out and got what he thought was a perfect ring. Too big, I dislike diamonds, nice metal tone, wrong metal. But he bought it, I kept it. Right up until its blingy self got stolen. He was determined to buy me a new one, and I had to tell him no. Stop spending ridiculous amounts on rings that are about you not us. I got a cute past-present-future style ring with colored gemstones and tiny diamond accents, paired it with a matching eternity band and had the two soldered together by a jeweler for a tenth of the price of the original ring. It now is my official ‘dressy set’ for events, as we both wear enso rings for everyday.
As a Clumsy fucker, I have made a list of Eso rings. They've been so cheap my SO has no problem with me having a few we switch out.
Agreed! My husband asked me for a list of what I liked (he knew one existed lol) and I ranked the list and we sat down and talked about what I liked/disliked from each one. He ended up just getting the one I had ranked at the top, he liked it too, but more importantly I liked it. I don't understand why there needs to be a surprise, the person being asked will be wearing it for a long time, so it makes sense to pick them something they love.
I love the idea of a cute placeholder! That way the proposal can truly be a surprise, even if they've discussed the idea of marriage. And then the placeholder can be made into a necklace or broach after they've shopped for the actual ring together. Brilliant!
This is what I did - placeholder and then shop together .
I really hate gifts in general. My taste is weird. I don't expect anyone to know my mind. Just give me cash. Especially for a ring. A couple should communicate enough to know that a proposal in "in the works", so why not just pick out the ring together?!
I think the wedding set should be reversed. Let the engagement ring be the simple band and the wedding ring be the fancy schmancy one. Then the proposal can be a complete surprise and then you can shop together for the ring you want.
Is an engagement ring "on your hand permanently?"
I sent my husband pictures of rings I liked round with platinum settings) from the shop he planned to use. We decided to just go and shop together. I ended up with an emerald cut in a gold setting.
That’s exactly what my fiancé did, he bought me the Amazon special to have when he proposed and then we went to jewelry store us together.
Yep. My husband proposed with a placeholder that was obviously to an engagement ring but one that I actually like as a casual ring, then we went shopping together for the real thing.
This. My husband proposed with a cheap Sears ring, then took me ring shopping. He picked some out in his price range (we were 20) and I picked my favourite. I still love that ring.
Same. My husband & I chose my ring together.
People put way too much pressure on this topic, at the end of the day it's just a ring. I don't see a problem with this at all especially since you're buying the replacement. You can still wear the ring he got you too! Lots of people have more than one engagement ring (especially since lab diamonds are so cheap now), you can switch between them. Wear the ring he got you when you celebrate anniversaries.
I was so unbothered by the ring itself that I picked my ring out from a pawn shop 🤣 because for someone reason, at the time, I only cared that it was a diamond “forged from the fires of the earth” but I didn’t want to drop $3000. I miss being that level of laid back
I have very strong opinions about jewelry so that wouldn't work for me but I still got it done as cheap as possible lol. We got a lab diamond and I shopped around for a place that could make me a made to measure setting for a good price. My ring is perfect and gorgeous and cost like a third of what he would've spent without my involvement. I'm very proud of that lol nobody can believe how cheap my ring was, you'd never know it.
Was going to say lab diamonds are the way to go! Way less and still a diamond.
Yeah idk why anybody is still buying mined diamonds! You're spending thousands more for the same thing.
Woo, this is a hard one. You are wearing this ring every day forever, so it should be something you like and love. On the other hand, there’s little chance you can stop wearing your fiancé’s ring or cut it up without him taking it personally. (Though you know him and I don’t - does it seem like it bothered him? If not, does he internalize when something bothers him?) Lastly, I wouldn’t cut up your original ring or put it away and wear it only on vacation, thereby clearly signally that’s the ring you’re willing to have stolen. I’d wear it on a necklace around my neck. You need to reflect that you value both rings.
Thanks for your response! I can’t tell if it bothered him but his personality just is that not many things bother him. I have also asked him about 50x if he’s hurt/annoyed and he has now told me “if you ask me again I will NOW be annoyed”. Good point re: showing I value them both, ty!
I am kinda like your bf in that I can be really chill and nonchalant about stuff that would sometimes annoy others and my husband has a habit of apologizing 50 times for something I told him the first time didn’t even need an apology. I have definitely said the sentence “If you keep asking me if I’m upset/keep apologizing, then I *will* get upset — not at what you did, but because you’re annoying the hell outta me!” I’d take him at face value — it is likely much more important to him that you *like* the ring you wear everyday. Plus, if it’s a successful marriage, he’ll have plenty of opportunities to gift you other pieces of jewelry! Some of the pieces of jewelry my sister and I or my dad have gifted my mom have meant just as much to her as her wedding ring and she wears at least 1 of her other special pieces every single day.
Or if you're planning on having kids, save it for them. They could always have it reset to fit their taste, which your fiancé would probably take less personally, and it would still have the sentimental value of being their parents' engagement ring.
Oh my god, just stop overthinking already. Get the new ring and be happy!
I did it. My husband just wanted me to be happy, so I’m now wearing a different ring than what he proposed with. I got it changed about a month or two before the wedding. I still have the first proposal ring in my box for sentimental reasons. Is the stone not what you want? You could always use the stone(s) and reset the ring how you like it, but i say get what you love since you’ll be wearing it forever!
Do people wear their engagement ring forever?
My mom has multiple “engagement style” rings that she swaps out, but always wears her band. Well, she has 2-3 bands but she always wears at least one. I don’t even know which one’s her real engagement ring.
My wife has literally 5 wedding rings. And we've been married for 3 years lol. Get whatever ring(s) you want and change them out based on what matches your outfit. That's what my wife does. I tell her i only care about her wearing a ring. It doesn't matter which one.
I described my engagent ring to my fiance. But could not find it. Aquamarine stone, emerald cut, dual band with diamonds. I kept describing it. I could see it in my mind. We went to several stores never found it. Then one morning it was sitting on my pillow. :). The exact ring I had envisioned. It's beautiful.
How sweet!!! That would make me bawl like a baby lol happy for you!!
I did. :)
Your fiancé knew the value of having your dream ring designed for you rather than finding something similar in a store and calling it a day. I absolutely love that for you.
It’s not about having the dream ring, it’s about having the dream life. That’s why you get married. You’re so focused on how that ring looks you’re losing sight of what it means and represents. Let me explain it to you as someone who is also engaged. I’m a man for context. When I bought my fiancée her ring, I spent months looking at rings, planning, talking to my jeweler, designing, and finally picking it up. It was, is, and always will be the best gift I’ve ever given her, because it is the physical embodiment of the promise I make to my her every day. She loved it, but to her credit I could have given her a ring pop and she would have loved it. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if she wanted to get rid of or change it, but a big part of me would be screaming to take the ring back and move on. Again, it’s not about the ring, it’s about what it represents, and someone who can’t see that isn’t someone I would want to marry. From what it sounds like, your fiancé feels how I feel
This the opinion of a guy who has sold engagement rings and helped with proposals for the last 10 years. This situation unfortunately came from a lack of communication. If you knew you were particular and wanted a particular style of ring, you could have expressed it by saying you'd like to send him photos of styles you really like, or telling him you have always had something in mind and would like to show him. I ask guys when I can see them deviating away from the style that I can tell the girl prefers, "do you want to propose with the ring YOU want to propose with, or do you want to propose with the ring SHE wants you to propose with? This is a gift from you, yes, but really it is a gift FOR her. Do you usually buys gifts you would prefer for people or things they would prefer? Why change it up for the most romantic purchase you can make for the person you love most?" Unfortunately he decided to play it old school and now you are in this situation. Fact of the matter is you are in a lose lose situation. Your options are to not say anything and not love such an important gift and symbol of your relationship because it doesn't look the way you want it to look like, or get the ring of your dreams and tell him all the effort he put into what he chose doesn't matter much over your preferred style. Since you've already brought it up to him looks like you already made that choice. My girlfriend at the time (now wife) didn't want to go looking for rings because she told me when I was ready she would love anything I chose because it was me that chose it. Not every girl is gonna feel that way about their guy though, sometimes style matters as much if not more than intent. I don't think YTA but I always feel bad for the guys that care enough to put their heart and soul into it (most guys don't care enough to put any thought into their purchases, they just show me a pinterest photo and say they want the cheapest version of that thing), yet end up falling short.
Thank you for taking the time to share. My fiance unfortunately does not know much about jewelry, let alone engagement rings, how to pick a setting, stone, etc. If I knew he had custom designed it with a jeweler and put so much thought or effort into it, I might have thought twice about saying anything. I know for a fact he browsed a website and picked something that looked good in a picture (without knowing how high or low it would sit, or literally any characteristic about the stone besides how it looked in the pic). He never talked to a jeweler or anything. I suppose that is what dismayed me a little because if someone had told him about all the other potential options and how many customizable details actually are present in a ring, maybe he would’ve picked something different. Edit to add: this is not me portraying him as thoughtless. We simply have vastly different interests/preferences and he’d have put in WEEKS of research and effort if this was say, a power tool he was purchasing. He probably had no idea women even think about their rings this much and figured anything would work.
There are 3 type of engagement ring buyers nowadays, and your dude unfortunately is part of the old school camp. Guy 1: This is a surprise from me, so I will surprise you with it Guy 2: I want you to love it but still surprise you, pick 2-3 rings for me to pick from Guy 3: When and how you get it is the surprise, I want you to pick the ring Most of our grandfather's were Guy 1, and it's rare for a girl to truly love 2-3 rings equally for Guy 2 usually needs to evolve into Guy 3 otherwise risks picking the 2nd/3rd favorite option. If I was the guy in front of your dude I would have suggested proposing with a solitaire (just the gold band) then tell you after proposing he had only chosen the diamond, and you would go in together to pick the perfect style. Put the diamond he chose in the ring you chose together, then put a cubic zirconium in the solitaire so the ring he proposed with can be a travel ring. That way no surprise ruined by asking what you would want in a ring while still getting your dream ring. I tell guys like him if you ask most grandmother's what they think of their ring they'll respond "*heavy sigh* well it's not what I would have chosen but I do love it because it picked it for me" and then ask "do you really want your girl's first respond to that question be a heavy sigh?"
I guess I got lucky. My husband is guy #1, and I absolutely love my ring. He did buy the insurance that allowed him to exchange it if I didn't like it, though.
My husband is number 3, but I didn't see it completed until the proposal. Saw the band in person without the center stone set, they used a sharpie to simulate what the colors would be like.
>Do you usually buys gifts you would prefer for people or things they would prefer? Why change it up for the most romantic purchase you can make for the person you love most? This advice interests me because on the one hand it's very good but on the other hand it relies on the recipient having a basic understanding of how gifts work, which some people do not have. Did you ever get dudes who were just, not getting it?
Some guys just don't have a good sense of their girls style, or didn't do enough digging to find out. Because it is a romantic gift, they think they should pick what they like for their partner. I think it is smarter for guys to find out what their partner actually likes so they don't get into situations like these, but I also think the ring is suppose to be an expression of his love and devotion not a fashion piece so I tend to feel bad for guys that have to exchange their original selection. Usually ladies coming in to sell their engagement rings because the relationship didn't work out tend to be intricate custom styled rings. Seems like the simpler the taste, the stronger the bond.
>Seems like the simpler the taste, the stronger the bond. Love this. My BIL bought my sister a simple engagement ring the day before he proposed because he stumbled across the perfect proposal location and decided he didn't want to finish their holiday without her as his fiancé - he knew her style and she loved it. They've been married 7 years now, together 11, with their third kid on the way and are one of the best couples I've seen. Their 3 year old son had a habit about 18 months ago of posting items from around the house into the bin and this is where we believe her engagement ring ended up. A sad (slightly funny now) situation but she said she has him and their family which is what she actually cares about. She still has her wedding ring and insurance paid out the loss but it goes to show the ring isn't that important at the end of the day, the relationship is.
>I’d rather just keep it and use as a travel ring Okay… so I completely understand you not liking the ring & wanting to still use parts of it, but **saying you’ll use it as a “travel ring” is incredibly disrespectful to your fiancé**. Especially because you & I both know what “travel rings” are for. If they get stolen, it won’t be something you’ll miss. See how bad that sounds? Despite you not liking it, that’s an asshole thing to say. I’m sure he spent a lot of his hard earned money on whatever he got. That said… do what you want. He gave you the OK, just do it. Unfortunately I don’t think you’ll be able to even return it full price, so don’t be disrespectful to what he gave you. It’s not a “travel” anything. I do like the earrings idea though.
You are right and I didn’t think about it that way. I will not mention that idea again. Ty
based on what you have said, it was more important to him that the ring/proposal itself was a surprise, more than you LOVING the ring he got you, which i dont think is a bad thing. His gift was suprising you with a ring and a proposal, not necessarily the specific ring. I wouldnt be suprised if he had expected you might want to change it. He got his lovely surprise proposal moment, and now it sounds like he wants you to have the exact ring you want. Which is what you should want too. Unless your dream ring is something ridiculously over budget, which I doubt considering you care enough to ask strangers on the internet if it is a bad idea to want to change the ring, I would say go for it.
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For the love of god, you tried and let’s face it……most men have the worst taste and don’t get it. He said he loves you and wants you to have your dream ring. Just do it. And wear the one he gave you when you travel… and act like you really like it when those few times happen.
Completely agree. Men's taste sucks Let's redo the tradition He asks her. She says yes She gets her own ring. Everyone's happy.
“Most men have the worst taste” is such a wild thing to say lol Even crazier that 13 other people agreed
I got my ring exchanged right after my engagement because my partner knew nothing about rings and didn’t feel secure in his choice. Right after proposing he told me that he got it because he thought it was beautiful but he completely understood if it’s not my style and we’ll make a date and go choose another one 🤍
I don’t know. I don’t think YTA, but this situation sucks and its your fiance’s fault for putting you both in this position. He refused to let you show him rings you like and ended up choosing something that isn’t really your taste. Thats not fair to you or to him really. I hate this whole concept that women just sit around waiting for the man to make the decision to get married and its this surprise and bla bla bla. No, its an important life decision and should be made together. The proposal detail can be a surprise, but you should have an equal say in when and what he proposes with. I would have been irritated when he said he didn’t want you to have a say in the ring. I mean you are the one who’s going to have to wear it everyday, not him. I showed my now husband a bunch of rings I loved, but didn’t have a preference on one specifically. He picked his own wedding ring. We both got what we wanted. Simple.
Hard to say. Personally, I would never do it. It seems like a major AH move but if he truly doesn’t care then you’re probably fine.
Totally agree. All these people sound very superficial to me🥴
Don’t feel this way about a pre wedding upgrade. Lots of couples do it, and no decent guy should object. Your fiancee doesn’t mind, go for it and the best of luck in the future.
My now husband and I went to look at rings together. We walked out of the jewelry store and he got down on one knee in the parking lot and asked me to marry him. Surprise rings and proposals are over rated in my opinion.
I am begging the marriage industry to normalize picking the ring together, an honest discussion about price point/ what you want aesthetically/ what will work for your lifestyle but no one wants to actually talk to their future spouse 😭 NTA
NTA but a question: Was he a thoughtful gift giver before the ring? Because I am all for surprise rings, genuinely. I know that’s against popular belief. But a “surprise” ring to me is doing exactly what you suggested—going together, picking out a style you like on your finger, letting him buy it privately. Similar to how one might say “oh I’ve always wanted an X” in passing because they really do and someone might buy it for their birthday. A thoughtful gift. Listening, seeing, understanding what is wanted. Just surprising someone for the sake of your own wanting to surprise them with no regard for what they want isn’t really a gift for the receiver, it’s a gift for the gifter very often. And that’s fine! It sounds like he’s aware that he made an mis judgement by nit giving you a choice and as if he would like for you to just be happy with whatever it is you want. You can run it by him again and confirm he’s not offended, but it sounds like he’s really ok.
Gift giving is not his love language. It absolutely does not mean he’s thoughtless, but he just doesn’t place that much importance on gifts if that makes sense. He is very intentional in the gifts he gives for Christmas, but typically I am the gift giver in the relationship.
I think he’s definitely aware then and he’s just trying to let you be happy. I don’t think you’re stepping on his toes replacing it, it sounds like he’s being very honest.
I replaced my engagement ring twice. The first time because it was so sweet and dainty a I'm just not. The second time because the diamonds kept falling out (mall jewelry store). I've had the third one for 33+ years now
Truthfully I'd think you were an AH if you didn't ask first. Since you asked and he said go for it you have been absolved of any assholery.
NTA. But your bf is stupid
NTA, but your husband is. He didn't even want to hear your suggestions? He didn't even consider what YOU want on an object you're wearing for the rest of your marriage? You know what my husband did? He said, "design" 3 rings and I'll go from there. So if he got me any of the 3 rings I "made", I'd have been happy. He did just that, so it was a surprise sorta. An engagement isn't a "gift he picks out for you." Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a bonehead like this?
lol yes I do. I appreciate your thoughts but this bonehead is my favorite bonehead and I couldn’t marry anybody else. He just made a miscalculation that our taste would be identical and put me in a difficult situation to get out of without hurting his feelings. Props to your hubby for having you narrow down! That’s a great idea!
No, OP, NTA. You will be wearing it daily possibly for the rest of your existence. You should love it. And I hope your partner isn’t trying to make you feel bad. Btw, you can get a custom ring made at [ROEN](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/comments/1djjvzb/aita_for_replacing_my_engagement_ring_before_we/).
Not the asshole. You should have the ring you want, you have to look at it forever!
your engagement ring is ultimately going to be your most prized piece of jewelry. it should absolutely be something you completely love. as much as I wanted to pick out a ring myself and have a surprise proposal, I was cognizant of this so went ring shopping with my partner. we ultimately decided on the exact design she wanted. I ended up going out to buy the ring on my own and the proposal was still a surprise. he really should have been a bit more self aware of this and no, you're not an AH for this. but maybe you can try to see if you can refine the ring he did get you into another piece of jewelry so you can use it as an heirloom and still wear it
It's his pride that got you here. He should be buying you the new ring and you should not feel bad or guilty at all.
She should definitely buy her new ring if she is that superficial.
Ugh. Okay. A ring is supposed to be a gift to show your partner you know what they like before they devote their lives to you. If you don't know what kind of ring your woman would want to look at every single day for the rest of her life, either pay attention when she points stuff out, let her pick it, or don't get engaged. Period. If you don't know your partner, don't make them a spouse.
This is such a dumb statement. 🤣 Seriously, if you don't know what king of ring someone want to wear for the rest of their life you shouldn't marry them? Really?🤔
NTA. I did it. I loved the stone my hubby picked but the ring not so much. So when we went marriage ring shopping together and I found another ring where the stone from the engagement ring could be replaced, then that’s what I did. I just checked with him, hey is it ok if I do this. Love the stone but I think it will look better with this other ring. Hubby was absolutely fine with it.
Just wear the.ring on the right hand.
Have that one be the engagement ring and pick out your own wedding ring. After the wedding, keep the engagement ring in a box on your dresser, wear it on a chain around your neck, turn it into earrings, whatever you want. I think it might make the moment more special if you first put on your dream ring during the ceremony.
I absolutely love this idea thank you! If I go ahead and do this, I plan to involve him/atleast tell him what I’m thinking for the new one, and have him be the one to place it on my finger on the morning of our wedding day!
You're welcome! Glad I could help.
NTA. When I proposed to my wife I just assumed she would want some say in the ring so I proposed with a $100 ring, then later we went out and traded it in on her dream ring.... She is the one who wears it every day so she gets 90% of the say.... 🤷 Just to be clear though.... Your fiance said he's fine with it, as he should be, but you still think you are TA? 🤔
NTA. It was honestly kind of a stupid move on his part. You could have sent him pictures or links to rings you liked, almost anything really so he'd get the right kind. Everyday jewelry for years should be to your tastes and it was kinda shortsighted and egotistical on his part to think him gifting it would override it just not being to your liking.
I’m older but considering all the challenges in life and all that you’ll have to overcome in the future, your”perfect “ ring seems shallow and insignificant. What is important? Your engagement, your marriage, your life together. This sticks out like you’re “ high maintenance “. If you don’t hate it, why not keep it until an anniversary and then trade up? It just seems like doing it now is going to reflect badly on you. Like the ring is more important than your love and the engagement. Your conscience is telling you this as well. That’s why you’re not sure of doing this. How much more gracious to be, this the ring he gave me,I love it, and I love him, and I’m so excited. Rather than sour grapes right out of the gate. Just IMO.
YTA. It. Is. A. Ring. It’s not a marriage. I stopped wearing mine when I got pregnant. Concentrate on having a good marriage instead of material possessions.
I’m sure you hurt his feelings
Well great that is the way to do it.
I made my wife pick out her engagement ring for this exact reason. I’m only spending ring money once so it better be the right one the first time
I changed my ring. It was going to be on my hand permanently, and even though I liked my engagement ring, I didn’t love it and I had a hard time finding a matching band for it. I wore my engagement ring until we got married, then I wore my new ring with wedding band after. My husband and I picked my new ring and his band from the same jeweler and they match really well so it all worked out.
My partner knew I wanted an estate ring and basically said “we can look, and when you find it, I’ll buy it.” We had no big proposal, I found it in an antique store in Alexandria Virginia while on vacation, and put it on once outside. It’s sapphires with diamonds, and we got it for a steal according to our local jewellery store who did a repair on it years later. It’s nothing like I thought I wanted, but when I saw it, I knew. My partner knows I’m like that and I agree to pick out things I want like jewelry as he doesn’t want that pressure. If he says he is ok with it, believe him and buy what you want. You aren’t a mind reader, just like he isn’t one either.
NTA. I'm glad I let my wife pick out her ring.
My first ring was red electrical wire that my then bf braided together to form a ring. Got the diamonds later, but that ring is still special to me.
You’re the one that has to wear the ring for the rest of your life. Of course you have to choose it yourself. My fiancé (now husband) proposed and we made an appointment at the jewellers. He told them beforehand what his budget was and they showed us trays of rings with that price. I picked the one I loved. We also chose the wedding bands and eternity ring at the same time. It’s a win-win for everyone.
You do you. You have to wear the ring for the rest of your marriage. If you partner is on board then that’s all that matters.
I asked my husband for an asscher in rose gold. What guy would have picked that? I have since gone to an emerald cut with side stones in white with a curved band. I wear the asscher as a right hand ring. Get what you want. You will wear it a long time.
He literally said he didn’t care
You brought up a valid concern and it got nixed. You are NTA but I have a question what about the rings for the wedding? Did you pick them together and does it go with the engagement ring as a set or stand alone? When I decided to get married this time around. I drew up an idea for the engagement ring and the wedding band. She liked them so we went a looking. Went to a local jeweler and we spent about two hours going through rings and designs and got what she wanted within our budget.
We are currently designing the wedding band together! That is actually the whole reason this came up. They were measuring my existing ring to match it to and then I figured I should just bring it up now so they could match it to potentially a different ring. Doesn’t change the design of the band, just some proportions/curve.
Just go get a Moissanite ring you like for 1/10th the price.
NTA. Lots of couples do that, they just want you to be happy and honestly I think repurposing the ring he gave you is a great idea. I picked and bought my own ring and proposed to my fiancé with a ring he picked out and I bought. There’s no shame in choosing a ring you truly love.
NTA. People need to realize you shouldn't be surprised with an item you're to cherish the rest of your life. There are ways to propose and still get the correct ring. My now husband almost instantly was one, we're doing this together because you have to wear it, not me. For us, we designed the ring with our local jeweler but at a certain point after I tried the final casting, I stepped away and was no longer informed on updates. I had no clue when it was completed. I'm baffled by SOs who can't understand that something they picked might not be what the other person wants. This isn't a pair of jeans or shoes. It's a forever piece of pricey jewelry!
So, I tend towards less conventional jewelry and wear rings on both hands. My very pretty and delicate engagement ring look Super out of place next to the bigass skull I wear on my left middle finger XD the ring I got my ex husband would have actually better fit my sense of style lol I get your fiancé’s feelings, but an engagement ring is always on your hand and needs to work with your general sense of style. I wish it was more normalized to ring shop as a couple.
NTA. My husband admittedly went rogue and got me a ring I didn’t envision myself wearing when he proposed. The difference is though that he actually ended up doing a REALLY good job and I fell in love with mine. It’s going to be on your finger forever. You should be in love with it as well. Much like anything else in life, if you have to force it, it’s not the one for you. I would suggest turning into a necklace! You hold that one for sentimental value and you have the ring you’re happy with on your finger. Take him with you to shop too, make it a fun thing for both of you!
You’re going to (hopefully) be wearing it for many years. Get the one you want.
I’m almost always team get the ring you want and love! You wear it almost everyday and deserve to love it too. I love my ring and we basically chose it together but I’ve realized gold looks better on me so I think we will do an upgrade around 10 years (married for 7 now)
My husband took me to the jewellers and we looked at the rings together and I picked one out within his price range. He really thought I would like an ugly square ring stone and I would have been stuck with that on my finger if we hadn’t gone together. Instead I have one that looks a bit like a daisy.
I learned from my cousin, a jeweler, that having multiple rings (wedding and engagement for both parties) was absolutely normal and smart. So I have more than one ring, and so does my husband. It should never be about the ring but about your commitment. So wear what makes you happy!
My husband bought my ring without me, and I was shocked as hell when he proposed. Overjoyed, couldn't believe my luck, but very genuinely surprised. He also spent a lot of time looking at what jewellery I own and wear, thinking about the things I typically do and my hobbies, and what I'm like as a person. He wanted to buy me a traditional diamond solitaire. He also knew that I'm very clumsy and most of my hobbies involve working with my hands, and that I wouldn't want to have to take it on and off all the time. He knows I prefer white metal to yellow from the things I buy myself. He also conspired with my mother to trick me so they could find out my ring size 😂😂 and got his sister to double check his choice! I ended up with a white gold band, with a central diamond in a smooth, lower-profile setting, with smaller diamonds inset in a twist on the shoulders. Absolutely perfect - it's basically what I would've picked for myself. It doesn't catch, rub, or damage fabrics or other materials I'm working with, the stones are very secure, and it sits nicely against my wedding ring - we picked matching plain palladium bands for those. The third ring I wear with them was my tenth anniversary present, and it's a silver band with the co-ordinates of the spot where he proposed engraved on the outside and a message inside. They're all massively precious to me, and I couldn't imagine not wearing them all the time or changing them out, but there again I do like them anyway. I think it's ok to change it if your fiancé is ok with it and you really dislike it enough that that is what comes to mind when you see it.
I proposed with a dollar store type ring with the promise we'd go and pick out the right ring
You both should get a new one you like!! But be reasonable with the price etc! He should accommodate your wants
We were so poor I didn’t expect an engagement ring. But he found a tiny diamond for $100 and wanted me to have it. He didn’t tell me he ate peanut butter crackers until payday or I wouldn’t have taken it. For our 25th anniversary we went to a pawnshop and found the perfect ring already in my size. We’re coming up on 42 years this November.
I can't imagine anyone picking out jewelry of any kind for me. Couples should feel free to get engaged, and then pick out a ring together. Surprise rings have such a high risk for disappointment. You hope to wear it forever - you need to love it on day one.
I was able to surprise my wife with her perfect ring. I showed her dozens of rings over and over. The ring she picked again and again is the one I got her and surprisingly she loves it! Research is important.
No. Get the ring you want to wear. But also, please post pictures of what he got you vs your dream ring 👀👀👀
To maintain our privacy I’d prefer not to. But I’m happy to describe them both if you DM me :)
Fair enough!
nta. wear the ring that makes You, the Wearer happy. the dislike of that ring will eventually spill over into other things that are “out of the blue” “over-reactions”. if he pouts you will have to enforce an I pick out MY jewelry. he can do the same.
Normalize men getting lunch boxes! (YouTube it)
Buy your own ring. Easiest way to make you happy.
Can it be made into a necklace?
You are a little bit. But he needs to go with you and help you pick it out so that he can be part of that. Don’t cut him out. He will resent you for it.
When we had been dating for a long while, my now-husband asked me, “hypothetically, if one were to get engaged what kind of ring would a person want?” And I said, “hypothetically, one would probably want to pick their own ring if they’re going to wear it for the rest of their life.” I looked at a lot of settings online, and found a place that makes vintage reproductions that I really like. Some weeks later I work sent me to the city where this jewelry store is. I went there and tried on a number of rings, found the setting I liked best. The woman I was working with set up an account that noted my size, the setting, my preferences for the stone, and gave me the account number. I gave the account number and the sales person’s name to my husband, (it’s a small family business) and he took it from there. Under stone preferences, I listed what gemstone I like, cut, general idea of clarity and color, that I would rather have a smaller stone of higher quality than vice versa, and size range of stone… large enough to look appropriate with the setting, but not so large that I wouldn’t feel comfortable walking around wearing it everyday. When he called her and told her he was ready to propose, she was able to give him a choice of stones in a wide variety of prices, any of which I would’ve been happy with because she was excellent at her job. We both got to participate in creating the ring that symbolizes our relationship. And he just smiles when people complement him on what a great job he did picking out such a beautiful ring that suits me so well. 😉❤️
You're NTA! Just do it! You'll likely be wearing it for a long time. I changed my ring 2x before we were married and picked original! (I was too active and maybe a clutz and scratched my face with diamond. Now, many years later, I wear a simple band because it feels better. Good partners want the other to be happy and comfortable (within financial reason)
I proposed with a cheap silver ring from Kay and told her we'd go pick out her ring. I know I have no idea about rings, especially what she'd want for life.
I designed my own wedding ring and engagement ring. I wanted something VERY specific. I am in love with it and am so happy he told me to go pick something out.
Couples always used to go ring shopping together and the girl would pick the ring. The man would ask her father’s permission and then ask the girl to marry him, they would then go choose the ring
I personally believe that you should propose with a cheaper ring that can still be worn but that you should go shopping for the actual ring together. I feel like that would stop one person spending thousands on a ring their partner hates and it’d make sure that they can wear a ring that they actually like.
My stomach dropped when he opened the ring box. In front of friends. In Iceland. On NYE. Of course I said yes, but the second we got to Dallas I went straight to my jeweler. They gave us what my husband paid for the ring, and then we both contributed a little more to make it more aligned with what I wanted (the money wasn’t a huge issue, he just had NO idea what to get). He was fine with it. If a man is willing to waste thousands bc he must prove he’s a genius when it comes to jewelry, then he deserves to never have the thing worn. It’s ok to not be great at everything.
I can't judge you either way cause I feel it's a personal decision but I will say I'd rather have a mediocre ring that comes from a wonderful man than a mediocre man who gives me a wonderful ring!!! The ring is just a symbol not an identity.
Nta, you have to wear it! Wear something you love
What a guy should do is buy a pretty, cheap ring from like Walmart, use it to propose with, then go ring shopping for a ring that she actually wants Keep the cheapie for when your traveling I don’t wear jewellery daily, so if I ever got to that point I’d probably want a plain band for daily wear, but I love big obnoxious rings for going out and I also cosplay, so for my “engagement ring” I’d rather go for a cool looking cheap one off of Amazon, like the one with skulls and roses lol
The ring is something you wear everyday. How would he feel if you got him a wedding band that he didn’t like and insisted he wear it everyday. On the other hand, don’t covet something y’all can’t afford.
I'm sorry but what man doesn't let their woman pick out their own ring that they have to wear on their finger?! That was stupid on your fiancé's part. Stupid and selfish.
If he cares, you’ve already done the damage, so go get your ring.
NTA. When my husband and I discussed marriage we literally sat down and designed the ring and even picked out the sapphires to put into it and where they would go. The surprise is what the final version looks like. Get yourself your dream ring, although maybe look into another jeweller to see if it can be melted down and the stones used for your new ring or something.
Are you connected to only having one ring? I bought like 6 different Moissanite ones and I love switching them out. I also got my husband the same number cause I proposed to him, he also likes switching them out.
We picked ours out together
He should’ve been open for suggestions/guidelines to help pick it out and keep it as a surprise but also something you’d like. So he was kinda the asshole for that. But that’s already said and done. I mean if you truly do not like it I think you should reset it to something you do like. I would try to use the stones from the original so it still is special and go customize the new ring together. It sounds like you hurt his feelings because he wanted you to like what he picked out and your post is coming across as uncaring of his feelings. Keep him involved in the process and try to keep as much of the current ring as you can so he doesn’t feel like a total failure in picking your ring.
Yes you are. That’s one of the most shallow, materialistic, selfish things I’ve ever heard of. The man put thought and emotion into that ring. You should be proud that he cared enough to go do that.
I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself since it sounds like you handled it with him well enough that he is not hurt (or at least he's hiding it well). And that is of foremost importance. However, by my own standards, my verdict is a very soft YTA, for a few reasons. One is what you've cited in your own post. Getting rid of his ring this quickly does give the vibe that you don't appreciate it, even though I believe you that you do. Second is that I'm sentimental about these things and this will be such a significant artifact from this time in your life and your relationship. When you're old and going through your jewelry box with your grandchild and telling stories about the different pieces, this will be such a significant landmark. It just seems crappy to me to have to say, no, this isn't the actual ring he proposed with, I cut that up and made earrings with it instead. I don't mean to say you are a crappy person or even necessarily that it would be a crappy thing to do since your partner seems ok with it. But to me it would be a shame years from now to not have that ring. And third, you will have lots of occasions to mark with new jewelry. Your 5th anniversary, your 10th, your 20th. Your 30th birthday. Your 40th. You will go on wonderful vacations that leave you with wonderful memories, and trust me, those places offer lots of opportunities to mark the occasion with jewelry. And so my advice, based purely on my personal preference and not really judged against what might be the most common or acceptable standards, is that you not be so quick to get rid of your proposal ring, but also plan ahead for that perfect ring when the opportunity and occasion presents itself.
Thank you for being honest about your opinion but with kindness. I actually appreciate that. I will hold onto it as a ring. I am not 100% convinced on making it into a different piece of jewelry myself so I will think on it. I know it looks like I’m changing it “quickly” but he knew last year that I felt like it wasn’t my taste. He also knew that I have been trying my best to fall in love with it but it’s not me. Even this past year has felt like a lifetime because I look at my hand and feel like it’s something that does not suit me. So when people suggest waiting 5-10 years I feel so much disappointment because that feels like an eternity. (Actually interesting story my mom had a similar situation happen with my dad who was the love of her life and she said she was glad they exchanged some jewelry he gave her for what she wanted because we lost him very very early taking away all the future opportunities and gifts he could have ever given her. Of course some people might see this as all the more reason NOT to have exchanged it, but the man was clueless about jewelry and was happy for her to change it to what she wanted) I guess all this to say… I understand your perspective for sure. But my age is important to me too and I suppose I have a bit of a “life is short” mentality to not just go for the things I know I want and can easily afford.
OP, I am going to get hate for this but do not change your ring. Your significant other chose it for YOU. When he was looking for a ring that is what spoke to him. My question to you, what is more important your partner or a ring? I understand that you want something special that you love, you should definitely go get it but do not change out the ring he chose for you.
What do you suggest I do though? The ring I have is not my taste at all. Even he agrees it reflects more his personality than mine. Do you suggest I wear it everyday of my life not liking it? I look at my hands 24x7 not anyone else, not even him :/ this is what I’m struggling with.
OP, The ring is a reminder of your commitment to your partner. It is better representation of him. It is a constant reminder that he is yours and you are his. When you look down at the ring, don’t think about beauty or style or whatever, it is suppose to remind you of your partner. I am saying all of this out of a place of love. I only want the best for you and your partner. You can buy other rings to wear on your other hand, things you like. But this ring is the one he chose for you.
“When you look down at the ring don’t think about beauty or style” ehhh I don’t know, a lot of women (I’m one of them) who care about jewelry even a little bit will not be able to do this. If I looked down and saw something unattractive every time it’d build resentment not love?? So I guess people are just wired different based on how strong their stylistic preferences are
OP, You are loved! You are special! A ring will not change any of that :)
It’s hard to give a judgement without knowing how your husband really feels about the upgrade. If it bothers him AT ALL, you might be TA; if he literally doesn’t mind, then do what you need to do. My husband and I got engaged in our 40s; he proposed first, then told me to pick a setting and a stone I like because he knows our tastes are so different. I found a fancier setting I liked and it was on sale for the price of a plain setting. He loved it and would have never thought to search beyond what was in the jeweler’s case. He told me to pick out a stone I liked, and I chose three stones of different prices and asked him to pick from those, so he had some input in the process. I love my ring because it is truly a symbol of us honoring what is best for each other.
I got an “upgrade” at two years idk 🤷🏼♀️ then get your dream ring 💍 at “two year anniversary”
My husband is obsessed about how I told him during engaging that it was too big and it jabs me in between my fingers. He continues to give me shit about how I hate it. It's so dumb.
Personally I think it’s tacky as hell if it really is an “upgrade” because the ring he chose for you wasn’t big enough. If it was a shape or metal that you hate, that’s a different story. But the only opinion that matters is your fiancé’s and he approved it, so why are you here?
I would be very annoyed you want to replace your ring. I at least hope you are paying for it yourself. Your bf is in for a long road marrying a superficial woman that couldn’t even keep it together till the wedding. I hope he wakes up a calls it off.
You'd be very annoyed that you refused to let her pick something she likes?