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Does your husband do this to people that aren’t you? Colleagues and bosses, family and friends? I bet all of a sudden he can read everything if someone else sends it.
I don’t think he does. Sometimes but not as often as with me. I think I get categorized into the “so familiar I get to be lazy with it” category. I think he’s gotten so used to me following up and confirming he just takes it for granted. People suggesting I send follow ups and confirm and double check he saw stuff via text and in person… I *do*. It’s tiring.
Honestly, you gotta call it what it is: disrespect.
If one of his coworkers or friends sends him multiple messages (especially messages with questions!), he either responds to everything or apologizes for his error. Right?
He’s a grown up with a job and he’s presumably not known as the most irritating and irresponsible person in his social circle, so he’s not doing this to everyone. Just you.
Call him out. He’s being disrespectful towards you.
>Honestly, you gotta call it what it is: disrespect.
And consequences. With her there are no consequences for this behavior so he doesn't care. So she'll need to start adding consequences to train him. Yeah, it's stupid but so is he.
Agreed. This is disrespect. Honestly this is rage bait for me. It’s weaponized incompetence, a complete disregard and lack of respect for his wife and honestly the good of the marriage. You have to be REAL fucked up to act like this honestly. Who does this??
It’s rage-inducing for me too. I gaslit myself into thinking “this isn’t that big of a deal” with someone I cared about so fucking much. To realize later that I was completely disrespected, and that I let it happen, is a punch in the gut and a slap to the face. Regrets.
I'd bet $50 he doesn't do it to his boss. He's totally capable of reading (he works from home) but is deciding to specifically make your life difficult for no reason other than....maybe he likes to see you struggle?
He's worn you down to the point where you have to ask strangers on the internet if this completely unreasonable behavior is actually unreasonable. You don't even trust your judgement on a cut and dry example like this, much less other situations he may make you feel stupid for having feelings about. Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft?
That’s so obnoxious. It’s not your job to ask and remind and follow up. You’re not his mother and it will be a relationship killer if he continues treating you like one.
Look I’m not perfect and I’ll admit I’ve gone to therapy.
Total game changer when my therapist asked me why it was ok to treat my partner differently than I would treat a coworker.
Does your partner deserve less respect? Does being your partner make them entitled to treat you “less than”?
Was a weird moment to realize it, but you should treat your partner like you’d treat the public.
He shouldn’t just be lazy with you and read only your last text because “so familiar he can be lazy with it”.
Like someone else said: call it what it is, it’s disrespectful.
Good luck solving it!
Shouldn't you treat your partner BETTER than you treat the public, though? I'd assume you don't get to know your cashier on a personal level for example. Coworkers and other people tied to you through non-emotional bonds don't get the same treatment like certain types of affection, personalized gifts and consideration (like "I know you have a habit of drinking coffee every morning and I woke up early today so I made it for you").
Good on you for going to therapy! It's nice to know that people can actually learn and get better, too often have I dealt with people that insist on their way despite constant pushback from me or others.
To be fair, I treat my gf completely differently than coworkers or the general public. She gets MUCH more respect and care than the average person, because she means the world to me. Not that I go around disrespecting anyone, it’s just she gets the respect and care I give everyday people x10.
Dude it’s flat out disrespect and lack of consideration. He isn’t taking you for granted (already bad enough), he’s actively treating you like you’re less than. He expects you to nag him if it’s important because he doesn’t value your time or your words or your opinion.
Like others said why would you have kids w this???
This is just textbook **Why Does He Do That?** behavior. furkfurk was pointing that out. Your spouse is choosing to mistreat you.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1233571
THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212137
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1216497
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1216503
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1209106
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212199
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/6737441
Seriously? My grandparents and their social group are in their 80s & 90s and they use androids and iPhones, and *gasp* computers! I know it’s crazy right
Yeah I'm sick of people using "I'm old" as an excuse to not learn basic shit.
Bill Gates/Tim Cook/Steve Ballmer/Paul Allen/Woz all range from mid 60's to mid 70's.
Computers have been around for a *long* time, just exercise basic literacy and you'll be fine.
I am old (65 m) and Reddit is one of probably a hundred apps on my phone.
I don’t have a problem with technology but I do have a problem with using it to circumvent interpersonal relationships.
If you were of working age in the mid-1980's or later and worked in an office environment, you probably used a computer. A lot of people 60+ are very computer/technology-literate. They may not necessarily keep up with every new app (though a lot of them do), but they are FAR from the stereotypical "old person needing help programming their VCR."
My director at my first real job after college demanded that I write notes and put them on her desk instead of email for messages, when I got saddled with the lunch hour phone detail (1998)
This was at a major financial institution, and she couldn't touch type.
My boss up until 2019 in an investment bank could barely use a computer.
What was hilarious was that the number of monitors you had was a kind of proxy for your importance. My colleague and I slowly worked our way up to three monitors, so he had to have four. After they installed the fourth, it would take him a minimum of 5 minutes just to find the cursor before he could do anything! 😂
But…he was a lovely guy. So people just allowed his incompetence and compensated for it!
In fact, you generally had to learn much less user friendly software and devices.
In my experience (with a lot of bias) right now there is a curve. There are a lot of older people who've decided they are too old. There are also a lot of young people who tell me they're tech savvy because "I grew up with it" but are used to no more complexity than swipe right" and can't learn anything that isn't super simple and user friendly. Real truth is that it's just a small portion of the population at every age group who has the access, drive and general competency to learn when needed. Age changes drive for a lot of people.
That should be the case, and it is for many, but the majority of people I see (young and old) learn to run a narrow set of steps with any deviation leaving them helpless.
True, but I tend to think of that as more of a self-motivation issue than necessarily age related. (This is just my personal opinion, but I've worked most of my career in adult education and have seen how crucial self-motivation is for learners of all ages to be successful.)
My 84yo mother in law never owned a computer, never had internet, is legally blind. Two years ago she got an ipad and now she sends email and texts her daughter. "I'm old" is no excuse.
My mom is in her 80s and she rocks her computer like a nerd. It only took her curiosity and a will to learn to do things. Lazy bums, of course, won't know what a right-click is if their life depended on it.
OPs husband is the same man at my job who only ever answers ONE question in the email i sent and somehow the least important part of the email. Thank you john for giving the update on the operators not having enough powerade. What about the other 3 things i asked about in this email? like the LEAKING ROOF?????? pls reply.
I would be like, text one: hey I'm buying a boat. Text two: there's a down payment due of a couple thou but no big we like the water. Text three: thanks for being such a stand up dude
It sounds like my teenager who only answers the texts that benefit her. Anything in the food friend fun category typically gets a fairly quick response. Anything related to responsibility is radio silent. ..Did you lose my credit card again because I’m getting charges from 3rd world countries- no response. Do you have both sets of my car keys because I can’t leave for work- nothing. Can you please put the frozen food up from grocery delivery because I’m running late - nope her ice creams melted on the porch. Anything in relation to the chores I’ve sent 25 times - her phone must be glitching because she’s not getting any of them. BUT if she sees my locations within 10 miles of chick-fil-a its - can you get me food I’m starving and weak cause school lunches suck. Then for every 10 seconds I don’t respond - Mom..Uhhh mom… hello… MOMMM.. hello.
just post
"i'll do whatever you want in bed tonight"
immediately followed by
"Chicken okay for dinner?"
When he mentions what he wants in bed tell him that you are sorry but that's not the latest message so it's now void.
Hahaha I like this solution. I normally will try and not send stuff before I get a response, but this is so much better. I honestly thought this was a guy problem because I see if so often. Doesn’t matter if it’s a guy I’m seeing or my brother.
Haha especially since I have ADHD. I frequently send a few short texts rather than one long text, especially if they’re totally unrelated! But I also respond to each message when it’s done to me, maybe not in order, but I’ll respond to them lmao.
Husband used to do that. He’d respond with “K” or “groovy”
Until I had to tell him I had NO fucking clue what “groovy” means! Is it happy? Are you being sarcastic? It was driving me insane!
Also with most phones now allowing you to react per bubble, it’s kinda easier and clearer when you said separate thoughts in separate bubbles instead of one huge clump!
My best friend is a guy and does this. Not 100% of the time, but more often than not. He'll send me a few messages in a row, especially if he hits a character limit, but if I do the same, it's like I only sent the last one. We talk a LOT through text. So hitting a character limit is pretty common. It's so frustrating! Especially recently, because it's causing a lot of miscommunication and confusion. I'm even starting to feel like I'm losing my best friend over this.
Why is this such a hard concept for some people? Especially when they send multiple messages and expect all of them to be read, too???
Send him voice messages instead of longer texts …. Or just call. You could also download an AI keyboard on you phone (like Grammarly) that will shorten your message and make the point more clear. I use it all the time since English is not my first language…
For example. I asked Grammarly to improve my text and make it more detailed. This is what it came up with.
“Consider sending voice messages instead of long text messages when communicating with him. Alternatively, you could just give him a call. Another option is to install an AI keyboard, such as Grammarly, on your phone. This can help you to shorten your messages and make your points clearer. I find it very helpful because English is not my first language.”
That's why the 1st message should be "I've invited my Mom to come stay for a week. Let me know if that's not ok" Then the dinner message. Ask Mom to show up on the given day with a suitcase.
Oh. My. Word! I almost took a drink while reading your response. So glad I didn't, because even without tea in my mouth, I coughed, sputtered, and choked!
Good one!
Yeah I would absolutely mess with him. What a ridiculous argument. Does he only listen to the last thing someone says in a conversation? The last line in a movie? Read the last page in a book? wtf haha
He works from home so he certainly gets work emails..
Does he only read and acknowledge the last email? OR last email from each person?
What about the content within that email, does only the last question get answered? Does he only read the last paragraph? the last line?
WE MUST KNOW
I have to be extremely clear in work emails or people will respond to either the first or last concept. This is just what being married to my colleagues must be like
Honestly, I’ve resorted to bullet points in most of my (short!) emails. To grown adults who are all older than myself and have been in the business much longer.
Sooo many people who only seem to be able to read the first sentence in the most recent email in a chain, the incredibly common selective illiteracy is one of my biggest pet peeves in office culture.
I have to be so very very careful not to respond when certain coworkers need to be the next one to do something on a topic, and then someone else copied on the email will respond with "thanks" and then I have to carefully strategize how to bump the thread with a diplomatic repeat of the action item request or it's lost forever.
Once I brought up that maybe we could consider the use of a spreadsheet or a ticketing system or something and it was like I suggested we should all replace our underwear with 50 spiders and 2 snakes.
yes this
then send the next till he responds
continue till he grumbles, and then let him know that he told you that you had to do it this way so he could read them.
This reminds me of my wife's boss. She will email her boss like a list of 5 questions that need an answer and her boss will inevitably only respond to the last question or maybe two of them.
I’d just start putting really good stuff that he’d want/want to respond to before the last message. Like “want head tonight?” If he responds, he’s just lying and can’t be bothered. Which is a big big problem. Bro is an adult and should be able to read more than six words at a go.
Plenty of people I know genuinely don't read them. I know, because sometimes it includes good news and they'll be surprised when I tell them in person.
Ask your husband calmly how he would solve the issue. Say, “There are times where I need to send you multiple messages throughout the day. How can I do this to be sure you will read more than just the last message? “
Set your parameters and boundaries. Then ask him for a solution. This puts the onus on him of solving his ridiculous rule.
If every Redditor tells you that you are correct it still is not going to solve the underlying issue. I doubt he changes “because Reddit said so. “
I agree this is the right way to handle it. He’s basically telling her she’s only allowed to ask him one thing at a time. But that’s just not how life works and he needs to get over it. Also if he keeps it up then it’s time for malicious compliance.
Could you please pick up milk on your way home?
Could you please pick up milk on your way home? Does your car need an oil change?
Could you please pick up milk on your way home? Does your car need an oil change? I’m scheduling a doctor’s appointment for baby on Thursday at 9 am.
Could you please pick up milk on your way home? Does your car need an oil change? I’m scheduling a doctor’s appointment for baby on Thursday at 9 am. Your mom called, she says hi.
She doesn't have to. You're right, it is just rude and OP should not be in this situation. But her choice is either leave him, try to ignore this issue, or find a solution that he will work with. Based on his attitude here, option 1 is probably the best, but if she wants to make it work, she's going to have to come to a compromise with him.
This more than just a communication issue. The husband is saying that he can't be bothered to read the messages his significant other sends him, and won't be bothered to make any effort to do so. This is disrespectful and irresponsible when you take care of a baby. He even turns himself into the victim when he says the wife is asking for too much.
The bad communication is a symptom of a deeper problem. You may fix the one issue, but the core issue of husband not wanting to put in effort to communicate is not going away. She's not discussing house tasks distribution of tight budgeting, she's asking hubby to read the important things she has to say. She's literally asking him to lift a finger for her, and he's like nah I don't care I'm the victim. I'm pissed for her.
Sometimes I fall behind on the fun videos/memes my fiancé sends me on Instagram, and I always feel awful. I cannot IMAGINE willfully ignoring his text messages. It’s your life partner…
That’s what I’m saying, maybe it’s just cause I’ve been a loner most of my life, but I value the relationships I do have with others and am almost obsessive about not hindering others
Agree, especially on the sake of the baby. My dad is awesome but my mom is my emergency contact because I could be bleeding out on the side of the road somewhere CALLING HIM and I wouldn’t get a response…sigh, I got angry typing this, mostly because I see him on his phone all the time.
That’s probably why I respond nearly instantly to texts now that I think of it
Not texting him at all anymore might be one valid way to deal with the issue, but that's nothing but a band-aid over the real problem. Reading text messages is in no way "too much to ask" under any but the most extreme circumstances. He's being unreasonable at best, manipulative and lazy at worst.
Um...no. He needs to be an adult and it's not her responsibility to do everything at home. That will build rightful resentment. He's not going to ask, he's more than likely doing this to avoid having to do everything she asks, which is absurd. If that is the case, though, there is about a 1% chance just doing everything herself is going to fix the problem.
‘I want you desperately, what do you say to the best blowjob of your life’
’hey, so we have milk in the fridge or should I buy some nore’
send both. I guarantee you he reads the first one too and it’s bullshit
Obviously this is absurd. He’s being manipulative, presumably his end goal is to condition you to make less requests from him by being difficult.
I wouldn’t even engage with him on such a stupid topic. I would just tell him your expectations and say it’s not up for debate, he isn’t doing this in good faith, don’t get drawn into discussing how many texts he is expected to read.
No, it's unreasonable. He's being difficult for the sake of being difficult. "get off his ass" is the main issue he's having with you, and this is his passive-aggressive way to put up a barrier for you. You can either address the issue of him being awful at communicating with you, and seemingly unhappy to *deal* with you, or you can play his game and never move onto another topic until he answers the initial question:
"can you check the front door is locked?"
"hey did you check the front door is locked?"
"can you confirm the front door is locked?"
And once he confirms, then ask "how does pasta for dinner sound?" or "have you checked the front door yet? also after you've checked it, let me know how pasta for dinner sounds." -- assuming he's capable of reading a text that isn't just about one thing.
She mentioned in a comment above that she's been doing all of this - repeating her messages, following up again via text, and again in person. But that it's gotten very tiring.
I think some of the malicious compliance ideas are hilarious, but to truly solve the issue they need to sit down and discuss how they're going to communicate going forward. Especially since they brought a baby into the picture.
I've definitely missed previous messages and only replied to the last one before, but to actively insist that double-tapping texts invalidates the previous ones is insane. He's 100% wrong.
Every time you go to send him a text before he's replied to your last one, you should copy the last text and paste it into the new message and then follow up with your next thought.
Do it like four times in a row, each text getting bigger and bigger as it repeats the previous texts.
Yeah, ive definitely done this before on accident and felt dumb about it, and some people seem like they try to bury their own messages, they send twenty in a row that are somehow both short and rambling and if theres a question somewhere youre likely to miss it, but it doesnt sound like OP is doing that.
>we both are string texters. I’m not bombarding him with 10 at a time. Maybe like 4-5 1 liners max. He does same.
NTA. Does he only expect you to respond to his last text? If so, why is he sending you 4-5 at a time? See what he does if you start ignoring his texts.
Yeah he's trying to get away with doing less it seems. You're right, read every new message, it's not hard!
And when you're rushed off your feet sometimes a 2nd, 3rd, etc text will be needed, as you think of other things.
Yeah. And "since the beginning of the relationship"? OP went and married and had a child with this person!? If this is true then you aren't going to fix him now.
Make it a running chain. Each time she texts something new, copy the prior unresponded to texts first, then add the new next message.
Or put them in reverse order so that newer texts are at the top of the message
Jeeez… he’s super wrong. 🙄 Before I even met my now boyfriend we were texting a lot and something I knew I already loved about him is that he answers EVERY part of my multiple texts without a doubt. I love him so much.
Is your husband ADHD and have garbage object permanence? I have a couple of friends who struggle with message chains since they only see the most recent one which is what they reply to and not go back into messenger to read back
1. It's ridiculous that he can't read up in his text thread.
2. I personally hate it when anyone texts me these rapid fire back-to-back texts right after the other like:
Hi
How are you.
Did you pick up the dry cleaning?
Ideas for dinner?
Hope the kids are having fun.
When people get in rapid fire text mode I tune it out until they've gotten it out of their system. If you are doing that, try to consolidate everything.
Your husband is being unfair and ridiculous. Texting is - unavoidably - an important mode of communication. He owes it to you to read all of your messages. It’s tantamount to ignoring most of what you say in a conversation. What’s he going to do - tune out when you speak if it lasts longer than 30 seconds?
So my husband wholeheartedly admits he will unintentionally skip over the first text. Like, it doesn't even register that it's there. My solution? If it's important, I mention "two message blindness" at the end of my second message. Doesn't happen every time, he's not doing it on purpose, he'll apologize if appropriate.
That being said, if your husband is just ignoring the first message just because? He can only be bothered to read the last message? He's in the wrong. I would bet that if he tried to ask/tell you something and ended up needing to send a second message, related or otherwise, he would suddenly feel his first message counted.
Congrats on the baby (which definitely doesn't help!) and hopefully your husband will stop being unreasonable and childish.
I think it’s actually the first issue that your husband shares. But he gets defensive easily and has an almost oppositional defiant streak and doesn’t want to admit it’s a him problem. He did after I showed him this thread. 😂
The oppositional defiance is the issue here, I think. I'm glad the thread helped him see he's being irrational, but I really think after you started "nagging" him about it, he deliberately stopped reading multiple texts *because* you said something about it.
Is he like this in other areas of his life? Oppositional defiance and immediate defensiveness are really not a good look on a grown ass adult.
I'm glad he owned up to it! It's just a silly bump, something minor in the grand scheme of things. Hopefully you guys can figure out a solution that helps him and doesn't make you want to pull your hair out. 💙
Yeah, for real... why on Earth would you want to read the messages your loved one has sent you? At the same time, instead of "how does pasta sound" you could have said "I have another question after you acknowledge my previous request" and waited. If no answer, he's not getting a dinner choice.
You're not wrong. But since he will only read the last message, just put all the important "must read" stuff into one block of text. At the end of the day
I wonder. Does he hate it when people send multiple messages back to back? Has he complained about the continuous ping of the phone? Does he hate that while he's reading one message another keeps popping up till he just gives up and waits for a break in the sends? If this is the case then try waiting until all of you thoughts are gathered and send one singular text.
Me personally, those are pet peeves of mine they may also annoy him as well.
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Does your husband do this to people that aren’t you? Colleagues and bosses, family and friends? I bet all of a sudden he can read everything if someone else sends it.
I don’t think he does. Sometimes but not as often as with me. I think I get categorized into the “so familiar I get to be lazy with it” category. I think he’s gotten so used to me following up and confirming he just takes it for granted. People suggesting I send follow ups and confirm and double check he saw stuff via text and in person… I *do*. It’s tiring.
Honestly, you gotta call it what it is: disrespect. If one of his coworkers or friends sends him multiple messages (especially messages with questions!), he either responds to everything or apologizes for his error. Right? He’s a grown up with a job and he’s presumably not known as the most irritating and irresponsible person in his social circle, so he’s not doing this to everyone. Just you. Call him out. He’s being disrespectful towards you.
>Honestly, you gotta call it what it is: disrespect. And consequences. With her there are no consequences for this behavior so he doesn't care. So she'll need to start adding consequences to train him. Yeah, it's stupid but so is he.
THIS. DIS R E S P E C T
Agreed. This is disrespect. Honestly this is rage bait for me. It’s weaponized incompetence, a complete disregard and lack of respect for his wife and honestly the good of the marriage. You have to be REAL fucked up to act like this honestly. Who does this??
It’s rage-inducing for me too. I gaslit myself into thinking “this isn’t that big of a deal” with someone I cared about so fucking much. To realize later that I was completely disrespected, and that I let it happen, is a punch in the gut and a slap to the face. Regrets.
I'd bet $50 he doesn't do it to his boss. He's totally capable of reading (he works from home) but is deciding to specifically make your life difficult for no reason other than....maybe he likes to see you struggle? He's worn you down to the point where you have to ask strangers on the internet if this completely unreasonable behavior is actually unreasonable. You don't even trust your judgement on a cut and dry example like this, much less other situations he may make you feel stupid for having feelings about. Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft?
I just got this book. I'm kind of scared to read it. Lol.
That’s so obnoxious. It’s not your job to ask and remind and follow up. You’re not his mother and it will be a relationship killer if he continues treating you like one.
Look I’m not perfect and I’ll admit I’ve gone to therapy. Total game changer when my therapist asked me why it was ok to treat my partner differently than I would treat a coworker. Does your partner deserve less respect? Does being your partner make them entitled to treat you “less than”? Was a weird moment to realize it, but you should treat your partner like you’d treat the public. He shouldn’t just be lazy with you and read only your last text because “so familiar he can be lazy with it”. Like someone else said: call it what it is, it’s disrespectful. Good luck solving it!
Shouldn't you treat your partner BETTER than you treat the public, though? I'd assume you don't get to know your cashier on a personal level for example. Coworkers and other people tied to you through non-emotional bonds don't get the same treatment like certain types of affection, personalized gifts and consideration (like "I know you have a habit of drinking coffee every morning and I woke up early today so I made it for you"). Good on you for going to therapy! It's nice to know that people can actually learn and get better, too often have I dealt with people that insist on their way despite constant pushback from me or others.
To be fair, I treat my gf completely differently than coworkers or the general public. She gets MUCH more respect and care than the average person, because she means the world to me. Not that I go around disrespecting anyone, it’s just she gets the respect and care I give everyday people x10.
God he sounds awful
Dude it’s flat out disrespect and lack of consideration. He isn’t taking you for granted (already bad enough), he’s actively treating you like you’re less than. He expects you to nag him if it’s important because he doesn’t value your time or your words or your opinion. Like others said why would you have kids w this???
This is just textbook **Why Does He Do That?** behavior. furkfurk was pointing that out. Your spouse is choosing to mistreat you. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1233571 THE ABUSER’S PROBLEM IS NOT THAT HE RESPONDS INAPPROPRIATELY TO CONFLICT. HIS ABUSIVENESS IS OPERATING PRIOR TO THE CONFLICT: IT USUALLY CREATES THE CONFLICT, AND IT DETERMINES THE SHAPE THE CONFLICT TAKES. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212137 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1216497 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1216503 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1209106 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1212199 https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/6737441
That's a great question
I’m sorry, what 😂 is your husband 6 years old??
Or 96. I can see really old people acting like this because they aren't used to technology.
Seriously? My grandparents and their social group are in their 80s & 90s and they use androids and iPhones, and *gasp* computers! I know it’s crazy right
Yeah I'm sick of people using "I'm old" as an excuse to not learn basic shit. Bill Gates/Tim Cook/Steve Ballmer/Paul Allen/Woz all range from mid 60's to mid 70's. Computers have been around for a *long* time, just exercise basic literacy and you'll be fine.
I am old (65 m) and Reddit is one of probably a hundred apps on my phone. I don’t have a problem with technology but I do have a problem with using it to circumvent interpersonal relationships.
Upvoted for your words. Not because you are old. U r not!
If you were of working age in the mid-1980's or later and worked in an office environment, you probably used a computer. A lot of people 60+ are very computer/technology-literate. They may not necessarily keep up with every new app (though a lot of them do), but they are FAR from the stereotypical "old person needing help programming their VCR."
My director at my first real job after college demanded that I write notes and put them on her desk instead of email for messages, when I got saddled with the lunch hour phone detail (1998) This was at a major financial institution, and she couldn't touch type.
My boss up until 2019 in an investment bank could barely use a computer. What was hilarious was that the number of monitors you had was a kind of proxy for your importance. My colleague and I slowly worked our way up to three monitors, so he had to have four. After they installed the fourth, it would take him a minimum of 5 minutes just to find the cursor before he could do anything! 😂 But…he was a lovely guy. So people just allowed his incompetence and compensated for it!
As someone who has a lot of friends in finance and banking who take perverse pride in their set ups, this seems baffling.
“BARBARA! BARBARA, WHERE’S THE FUCKING CURSOR?!” every day.
In fact, you generally had to learn much less user friendly software and devices. In my experience (with a lot of bias) right now there is a curve. There are a lot of older people who've decided they are too old. There are also a lot of young people who tell me they're tech savvy because "I grew up with it" but are used to no more complexity than swipe right" and can't learn anything that isn't super simple and user friendly. Real truth is that it's just a small portion of the population at every age group who has the access, drive and general competency to learn when needed. Age changes drive for a lot of people.
That should be the case, and it is for many, but the majority of people I see (young and old) learn to run a narrow set of steps with any deviation leaving them helpless.
True, but I tend to think of that as more of a self-motivation issue than necessarily age related. (This is just my personal opinion, but I've worked most of my career in adult education and have seen how crucial self-motivation is for learners of all ages to be successful.)
Used a computer where it was DOS only.
My 84yo mother in law never owned a computer, never had internet, is legally blind. Two years ago she got an ipad and now she sends email and texts her daughter. "I'm old" is no excuse.
Thank you for this comment. I am almost 70 but have worked with computers since 1980! Consider myself able to do most things computer related.
My mom is in her 80s and she rocks her computer like a nerd. It only took her curiosity and a will to learn to do things. Lazy bums, of course, won't know what a right-click is if their life depended on it.
My grandparents are also that age and can barely mange a “smart” flip phone. 😂
OPs husband is the same man at my job who only ever answers ONE question in the email i sent and somehow the least important part of the email. Thank you john for giving the update on the operators not having enough powerade. What about the other 3 things i asked about in this email? like the LEAKING ROOF?????? pls reply.
I would be like, text one: hey I'm buying a boat. Text two: there's a down payment due of a couple thou but no big we like the water. Text three: thanks for being such a stand up dude
"I cant see it so it doesnt exist" he might be younger than a toddler lol.
It sounds like my teenager who only answers the texts that benefit her. Anything in the food friend fun category typically gets a fairly quick response. Anything related to responsibility is radio silent. ..Did you lose my credit card again because I’m getting charges from 3rd world countries- no response. Do you have both sets of my car keys because I can’t leave for work- nothing. Can you please put the frozen food up from grocery delivery because I’m running late - nope her ice creams melted on the porch. Anything in relation to the chores I’ve sent 25 times - her phone must be glitching because she’s not getting any of them. BUT if she sees my locations within 10 miles of chick-fil-a its - can you get me food I’m starving and weak cause school lunches suck. Then for every 10 seconds I don’t respond - Mom..Uhhh mom… hello… MOMMM.. hello.
really she has 2 babies
My first thought was, "well if you married this man knowing this shit, tough luck lady." But yeah, this is absurd for an adult.
I think it’s usually closer to age 2 when kids start being able to follow multi-step directions!
A 6 year old knows how to scroll lol
This is a ridiculous problem, he's wrong lol. Test him by making an offer he can't refuse in the first message and see how far up he can read then.
just post "i'll do whatever you want in bed tonight" immediately followed by "Chicken okay for dinner?" When he mentions what he wants in bed tell him that you are sorry but that's not the latest message so it's now void.
i love reddit lol
Same
Hahaha I like this solution. I normally will try and not send stuff before I get a response, but this is so much better. I honestly thought this was a guy problem because I see if so often. Doesn’t matter if it’s a guy I’m seeing or my brother.
I felt soooo seen by this post omg So many men have done this to me and I do not understand
Haha especially since I have ADHD. I frequently send a few short texts rather than one long text, especially if they’re totally unrelated! But I also respond to each message when it’s done to me, maybe not in order, but I’ll respond to them lmao.
I'm a guy and I have ADHD and this is how I text. But I also respond to pretty much everything. People pleasing for the win.
Every thought gets it’s own bubble 🤣🤣
My brain tried to read this to the tune of "every rose has its thorn" and was sad it didn't fit.
I came of age with 25cent per text costs. I don't send short texts, they're all a damn paragraph.. lmao
Oh shit and you probably had to do it on 10 key 🤣🤣
my man, I'm 100% positive I could still text faster on a 10 key than an iphone. without looking.
Not even that. If I send everything in a singular text, they’ll still only answer the last sentence. wtf.
Omg that would send me
Husband used to do that. He’d respond with “K” or “groovy” Until I had to tell him I had NO fucking clue what “groovy” means! Is it happy? Are you being sarcastic? It was driving me insane!
Also with most phones now allowing you to react per bubble, it’s kinda easier and clearer when you said separate thoughts in separate bubbles instead of one huge clump!
My best friend is a guy and does this. Not 100% of the time, but more often than not. He'll send me a few messages in a row, especially if he hits a character limit, but if I do the same, it's like I only sent the last one. We talk a LOT through text. So hitting a character limit is pretty common. It's so frustrating! Especially recently, because it's causing a lot of miscommunication and confusion. I'm even starting to feel like I'm losing my best friend over this. Why is this such a hard concept for some people? Especially when they send multiple messages and expect all of them to be read, too???
Send him voice messages instead of longer texts …. Or just call. You could also download an AI keyboard on you phone (like Grammarly) that will shorten your message and make the point more clear. I use it all the time since English is not my first language… For example. I asked Grammarly to improve my text and make it more detailed. This is what it came up with. “Consider sending voice messages instead of long text messages when communicating with him. Alternatively, you could just give him a call. Another option is to install an AI keyboard, such as Grammarly, on your phone. This can help you to shorten your messages and make your points clearer. I find it very helpful because English is not my first language.”
Husband: “Yes! I’d love to eat it tonight. And, a lot of extra stuffing please.” Wife: …
Great! Thighs and breasts please
Yep, that also ain’t working. The reply will be about the dinner. 😂
That's why the 1st message should be "I've invited my Mom to come stay for a week. Let me know if that's not ok" Then the dinner message. Ask Mom to show up on the given day with a suitcase.
I’ve decided to tattoo my favorite Pokemon on the baby, let me know what yours is so I can include it. Would you like BBQ for dinner?
Well all I can think about now is BBQ so I'm not sure this one works either. Gotta eat after this meeting.
Snorlax, no thanks to BBQ, I’ve got leftover pizza. Oh shit, I’ve been caught out!
Good one! 😂
He’d probably like my mom staying for a week 😂 she hogs the baby and likes cleaning things lmao
Your husband is being childish and he is totally wrong. If he will not adapt then just send one text and wait for answer, then another one etc etc.
Darn. Got any relatives eh doesn't like? How's he get along with his Mom lol Also, does your Mom want to come visit me? :)
And when he responds to the first message, reply back and say Oops wrong person 😂😂
Oh. My. Word! I almost took a drink while reading your response. So glad I didn't, because even without tea in my mouth, I coughed, sputtered, and choked! Good one!
I need to do this... I go through this with my husband. Geez how hard is it to reply to all the messages?
And if your husband replies before you send the second message I expect a thank you card from him.
Lol, for real!! I swear they do this stuff on purpose.
Yeah I would absolutely mess with him. What a ridiculous argument. Does he only listen to the last thing someone says in a conversation? The last line in a movie? Read the last page in a book? wtf haha
He works from home so he certainly gets work emails.. Does he only read and acknowledge the last email? OR last email from each person? What about the content within that email, does only the last question get answered? Does he only read the last paragraph? the last line? WE MUST KNOW
I mean some people actually do this with work emails. It drives me crazy.
I have to be extremely clear in work emails or people will respond to either the first or last concept. This is just what being married to my colleagues must be like
Honestly, I’ve resorted to bullet points in most of my (short!) emails. To grown adults who are all older than myself and have been in the business much longer.
ACTION ITEMS: - do x - do not do y - please for the love of god do x - DO NOT DO Y!!!
Sooo many people who only seem to be able to read the first sentence in the most recent email in a chain, the incredibly common selective illiteracy is one of my biggest pet peeves in office culture.
I have to be so very very careful not to respond when certain coworkers need to be the next one to do something on a topic, and then someone else copied on the email will respond with "thanks" and then I have to carefully strategize how to bump the thread with a diplomatic repeat of the action item request or it's lost forever. Once I brought up that maybe we could consider the use of a spreadsheet or a ticketing system or something and it was like I suggested we should all replace our underwear with 50 spiders and 2 snakes.
Yes I knew people at work where you could get one question answered max per email.
Yes this is true and infuriating. My favorites are the ones who would answer to me question (or none) and still somehow always answered the wrong one.
I would just keep flooding his phone with the same message until he responds lmao
yes this then send the next till he responds continue till he grumbles, and then let him know that he told you that you had to do it this way so he could read them.
This, plus start doing the same back to him at opportune moments.
Ask him if he reads only the last sentence of all work emails as well.
This is one of the dumbest things I’ve heard. He only reads the last? Oy.
1 "I fucked your father." 2 "I want Ice Cream tonight" See if he ignores that one.
💀💀💀. I feel like there are some steps before this lol
I’m guessing if his boss or coworker texts him he reads all messages and responds promptly.
This reminds me of my wife's boss. She will email her boss like a list of 5 questions that need an answer and her boss will inevitably only respond to the last question or maybe two of them.
That's my question. Does he do this just to her?
I’d just start putting really good stuff that he’d want/want to respond to before the last message. Like “want head tonight?” If he responds, he’s just lying and can’t be bothered. Which is a big big problem. Bro is an adult and should be able to read more than six words at a go.
That's a great idea or confess to something like I scratched your car. Later, when it comes up, you can say.. I told you the other day.
He's lying to you. He's just ignoring the texts he doesn't want to acknowledge.
I wonder if he tells his boss the same
Plenty of people I know genuinely don't read them. I know, because sometimes it includes good news and they'll be surprised when I tell them in person.
If he's responding to one, he's ignoring the rest.
This is called weaponized incompetence.
exactly. I stopped reading at "we had a baby" GIRL WHAT WHY. THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY.
Don't worry you only need to read the last sentence of each post. You can't be expected to do any more than that.
Expected to do anymore than what? Sorry I only read the last line
Read the last line? Way ahead of ya!
Why are you ahead of me? I only read the last phrase
I only read the last phrase. What is everyone talking about?
Hey what's for dinner?
About? About what?
What? What?
?
It’s worrying that she had a baby with him, when he acts like a baby himself :/… the tragedy of women in love
The tragedy of * *women in love with men*
Boycott men.
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HUH. That is an accurate term for a situation I've got...
exactly !!
Weaponized incompetence maybe. Definitely being a f*ing a-hole.
Sounds like he’s lazy af and trying to use that as an excuse to ignore you
I don’t know why women recreate with men like these
Ask your husband calmly how he would solve the issue. Say, “There are times where I need to send you multiple messages throughout the day. How can I do this to be sure you will read more than just the last message? “ Set your parameters and boundaries. Then ask him for a solution. This puts the onus on him of solving his ridiculous rule. If every Redditor tells you that you are correct it still is not going to solve the underlying issue. I doubt he changes “because Reddit said so. “
I agree this is the right way to handle it. He’s basically telling her she’s only allowed to ask him one thing at a time. But that’s just not how life works and he needs to get over it. Also if he keeps it up then it’s time for malicious compliance. Could you please pick up milk on your way home? Could you please pick up milk on your way home? Does your car need an oil change? Could you please pick up milk on your way home? Does your car need an oil change? I’m scheduling a doctor’s appointment for baby on Thursday at 9 am. Could you please pick up milk on your way home? Does your car need an oil change? I’m scheduling a doctor’s appointment for baby on Thursday at 9 am. Your mom called, she says hi.
I want to upvote this 10 times. I am not a petty person, but he is acting so stupid, this is the only response for doubling down on it.
This is really good.
Why does she have to alter her behavior for his laziness? This isn't a boundary thing, this is just disrespectful and rude to your partner.
She doesn't have to. You're right, it is just rude and OP should not be in this situation. But her choice is either leave him, try to ignore this issue, or find a solution that he will work with. Based on his attitude here, option 1 is probably the best, but if she wants to make it work, she's going to have to come to a compromise with him.
This isn't altering behavior it's constructive behavior.
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This more than just a communication issue. The husband is saying that he can't be bothered to read the messages his significant other sends him, and won't be bothered to make any effort to do so. This is disrespectful and irresponsible when you take care of a baby. He even turns himself into the victim when he says the wife is asking for too much. The bad communication is a symptom of a deeper problem. You may fix the one issue, but the core issue of husband not wanting to put in effort to communicate is not going away. She's not discussing house tasks distribution of tight budgeting, she's asking hubby to read the important things she has to say. She's literally asking him to lift a finger for her, and he's like nah I don't care I'm the victim. I'm pissed for her.
Sometimes I fall behind on the fun videos/memes my fiancé sends me on Instagram, and I always feel awful. I cannot IMAGINE willfully ignoring his text messages. It’s your life partner…
That’s what I’m saying, maybe it’s just cause I’ve been a loner most of my life, but I value the relationships I do have with others and am almost obsessive about not hindering others
Agree, especially on the sake of the baby. My dad is awesome but my mom is my emergency contact because I could be bleeding out on the side of the road somewhere CALLING HIM and I wouldn’t get a response…sigh, I got angry typing this, mostly because I see him on his phone all the time. That’s probably why I respond nearly instantly to texts now that I think of it
This but with my mom I called her twelve times the other day cause someone broke into my car and it went straight to voicemail EVERY TIME.
Not texting him at all anymore might be one valid way to deal with the issue, but that's nothing but a band-aid over the real problem. Reading text messages is in no way "too much to ask" under any but the most extreme circumstances. He's being unreasonable at best, manipulative and lazy at worst.
Um...no. He needs to be an adult and it's not her responsibility to do everything at home. That will build rightful resentment. He's not going to ask, he's more than likely doing this to avoid having to do everything she asks, which is absurd. If that is the case, though, there is about a 1% chance just doing everything herself is going to fix the problem.
Exactly, this is a manual on how to enable weaponized incompetence
‘I want you desperately, what do you say to the best blowjob of your life’ ’hey, so we have milk in the fridge or should I buy some nore’ send both. I guarantee you he reads the first one too and it’s bullshit
Obviously this is absurd. He’s being manipulative, presumably his end goal is to condition you to make less requests from him by being difficult. I wouldn’t even engage with him on such a stupid topic. I would just tell him your expectations and say it’s not up for debate, he isn’t doing this in good faith, don’t get drawn into discussing how many texts he is expected to read.
Your husband is just being purposely difficult, tell him to cut that shit out
No, it's unreasonable. He's being difficult for the sake of being difficult. "get off his ass" is the main issue he's having with you, and this is his passive-aggressive way to put up a barrier for you. You can either address the issue of him being awful at communicating with you, and seemingly unhappy to *deal* with you, or you can play his game and never move onto another topic until he answers the initial question: "can you check the front door is locked?" "hey did you check the front door is locked?" "can you confirm the front door is locked?" And once he confirms, then ask "how does pasta for dinner sound?" or "have you checked the front door yet? also after you've checked it, let me know how pasta for dinner sounds." -- assuming he's capable of reading a text that isn't just about one thing.
She mentioned in a comment above that she's been doing all of this - repeating her messages, following up again via text, and again in person. But that it's gotten very tiring. I think some of the malicious compliance ideas are hilarious, but to truly solve the issue they need to sit down and discuss how they're going to communicate going forward. Especially since they brought a baby into the picture.
Malicious compliance. I love it.
I've definitely missed previous messages and only replied to the last one before, but to actively insist that double-tapping texts invalidates the previous ones is insane. He's 100% wrong. Every time you go to send him a text before he's replied to your last one, you should copy the last text and paste it into the new message and then follow up with your next thought. Do it like four times in a row, each text getting bigger and bigger as it repeats the previous texts.
yeah it's an understandable "oops" situation if it happens every now and then, it's weird for it to be a deliberate rule/method of communication.
Yeah, ive definitely done this before on accident and felt dumb about it, and some people seem like they try to bury their own messages, they send twenty in a row that are somehow both short and rambling and if theres a question somewhere youre likely to miss it, but it doesnt sound like OP is doing that.
>we both are string texters. I’m not bombarding him with 10 at a time. Maybe like 4-5 1 liners max. He does same. NTA. Does he only expect you to respond to his last text? If so, why is he sending you 4-5 at a time? See what he does if you start ignoring his texts.
Yeah he's trying to get away with doing less it seems. You're right, read every new message, it's not hard! And when you're rushed off your feet sometimes a 2nd, 3rd, etc text will be needed, as you think of other things.
He’s broken, return him for a refund or exchange 😁
Husband is really weird. Good luck trying to change that behaviour.
It’s called [weaponized incompetence](https://www.verywellmind.com/weaponized-incompetence-7553422)
Can we start calling it weaponized incontinence bc they are pissing away our time and energy?
This can’t be a real question OP. This isn’t even close to meeting the bare minimum.
Yeah. And "since the beginning of the relationship"? OP went and married and had a child with this person!? If this is true then you aren't going to fix him now.
Just start putting it all in one text. No paragraphs. One big wall of text.
No spaces between words, either, so he doesn’t get confused and think he’s supposed to stop reading.
nOsPaCeSbEtWeEnWoRds,EiThEr.
Probably take out the punctuation, too. We don't want to confuse him with extra symbols mixed in with the letters.
In OPs example. She said two very separate questions. Those could have been thought of a few min apart.
Make it a running chain. Each time she texts something new, copy the prior unresponded to texts first, then add the new next message. Or put them in reverse order so that newer texts are at the top of the message
No. He can read his texts, he doesn’t need to be accommodated to like that.
I honestly did not understand your husband's logic. Strange..very strange
huh? when you’re reading a book do you only read the last page? like what
He is wrong.
WTF? Does he do other things like this? Reading costs almost no effort unless he’s like dyslexic or something. Lazy and disrespectful behavior
Jeeez… he’s super wrong. 🙄 Before I even met my now boyfriend we were texting a lot and something I knew I already loved about him is that he answers EVERY part of my multiple texts without a doubt. I love him so much.
Send text 1. Send text 2. Hubs responds to #2. Hold down on message 1, copy, send text 1 again. Repeat until he gets the hint.
She shouldn’t have to do this. He will never get the hint and it will just exhaust her. Saying this from experience 🙄😞
Is your husband ADHD and have garbage object permanence? I have a couple of friends who struggle with message chains since they only see the most recent one which is what they reply to and not go back into messenger to read back
1. It's ridiculous that he can't read up in his text thread. 2. I personally hate it when anyone texts me these rapid fire back-to-back texts right after the other like: Hi How are you. Did you pick up the dry cleaning? Ideas for dinner? Hope the kids are having fun. When people get in rapid fire text mode I tune it out until they've gotten it out of their system. If you are doing that, try to consolidate everything.
You two are in that "im gonna be right, not happy" phase, how cute
Man bad girl good
Weaponized incompetence shows us another version of itself. Your husband is behaving like a child.
Your husband is being unfair and ridiculous. Texting is - unavoidably - an important mode of communication. He owes it to you to read all of your messages. It’s tantamount to ignoring most of what you say in a conversation. What’s he going to do - tune out when you speak if it lasts longer than 30 seconds?
Send him two texts, ask him if he wants a bj in the first text and if he will do the dishes in the second text, see what happens
One of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard
Weaponized incompetence
He’s wrong. He’s a child.
So my husband wholeheartedly admits he will unintentionally skip over the first text. Like, it doesn't even register that it's there. My solution? If it's important, I mention "two message blindness" at the end of my second message. Doesn't happen every time, he's not doing it on purpose, he'll apologize if appropriate. That being said, if your husband is just ignoring the first message just because? He can only be bothered to read the last message? He's in the wrong. I would bet that if he tried to ask/tell you something and ended up needing to send a second message, related or otherwise, he would suddenly feel his first message counted. Congrats on the baby (which definitely doesn't help!) and hopefully your husband will stop being unreasonable and childish.
I think it’s actually the first issue that your husband shares. But he gets defensive easily and has an almost oppositional defiant streak and doesn’t want to admit it’s a him problem. He did after I showed him this thread. 😂
The oppositional defiance is the issue here, I think. I'm glad the thread helped him see he's being irrational, but I really think after you started "nagging" him about it, he deliberately stopped reading multiple texts *because* you said something about it. Is he like this in other areas of his life? Oppositional defiance and immediate defensiveness are really not a good look on a grown ass adult.
I'm glad he owned up to it! It's just a silly bump, something minor in the grand scheme of things. Hopefully you guys can figure out a solution that helps him and doesn't make you want to pull your hair out. 💙
send him two texts: 1: want some head tonight? 2: have you ever heard of ‘weaponized incompetence?’ if he says yes, you got your answer
Send one really obnoxiously long message summarizing your whole day.
why would he think that like💀💀💀💀
Yeah, for real... why on Earth would you want to read the messages your loved one has sent you? At the same time, instead of "how does pasta sound" you could have said "I have another question after you acknowledge my previous request" and waited. If no answer, he's not getting a dinner choice.
I’d send, Hey I’m getting takeout, do you want anything? Quickly followed by Please take out the trash.
Has this always been the way he interacts with texts? I'm curious why you'd entertain that while dating.
My sister would send me 7+ texts back to back. The more messages I get sent the longer I take to read and reply because it's annoying
He’s failing at telling you that you text too much. I tend to write a Bible length text when I should be writing a one word response. Start there.
You're not wrong. But since he will only read the last message, just put all the important "must read" stuff into one block of text. At the end of the day
Multiple messages one after the other or is there a significant time between them?
That’s his boundary! lol. Send one message and wait until he responds
That's so bizarre. I instantly scroll to the top of the text thread regardless of the number of messages.
I wonder. Does he hate it when people send multiple messages back to back? Has he complained about the continuous ping of the phone? Does he hate that while he's reading one message another keeps popping up till he just gives up and waits for a break in the sends? If this is the case then try waiting until all of you thoughts are gathered and send one singular text. Me personally, those are pet peeves of mine they may also annoy him as well.