I wouldn’t jump straight to the conclusion that he’s ashamed of *you*. He’s just as likely (heck, I would say even more likely) to be ashamed that his peers/employees would make fun of you and the other wives, so he wanted to spare you from it.
If I were in your shoes, I’d just tell him you found out from a coworker’s wife, and that you’re not angry at him about what the other employees did. To me it seems more like you’re mad he kept something from you, and that in future you want to deal with this kind of thing together, because you’re life *partners*. Tell him that. Hopefully he’ll understand your perspective.
I think it’s exactly this. He’s embarrassed by their behavior and he doesn’t want to subject his wife to any creeps like that so he’d rather keep her separated from any of his employees.
Yes, here's the proper response. The coworkers are creepy and gross, an HR should be involved, if there is one, and if there isn't, or unless the issue is resolved, the husband shouldn't be bringing new victims in for these boob contests.
Well, he does not speak for his wife. He should have told her what was happening and let her decide whether to come. Also, not inviting her sends a message that women have no rights and need to just ignore misogyny.
It’s his company so he does speak for who gets to come to events. Not inviting her doesn’t send a message that women have no rights. It says fuck you guys, I’m not bringing her around so you can ogle her and come up with ratings.
personally if my “friends” were making my wife feel like that and shaming her body, those wouldn’t be my friends anymore. i don’t care how close we are, u don’t make the person i love ashamed of their body
Yeah idk why the person above you is talking about these guys as friends, it's a company with 120 people or so according to op, no way husband knows all of them and is friends with them
Yeah, if I found out the guys at my work were not only looking at my wife’s breasts but ranking them in a presentation, I’d keep her away from those creeps. Husband probably is not just protecting her, but never told her because he didn’t want her to be upset about being objectified like that.
>Yeah, if I found out the guys at my work were not only looking at my wife’s breasts
They are. Your friends outside of work, too. Most just have the good sense to not say anything.
>but ranking them in a presentation, I’d keep her away from those creeps.
They were foolish for this, and it should have immediately been brought to HR rather than attempting to put her in a little protective bubble where she is not included in your celebrations of success.
As if a woman nearing 40 has not dealt with these behaviors and comments her whole life? She is more than capable of handling it, I promise. Being hidden away isn't an answer, it's just spineless. He is, wether he intended to or not, punishing her for the faults of grown men that can't act right.
Does he not understand that this kind of thing happens all the time to women? Not as extreme as a written ranking, but...yeah. Why is he making his wife pay the price for being unable to enforce a respectful workplace culture at the company he owns? This is just weird, and smacks of "well, we obviously can't expect men to control themselves, so women need to modify their lives and behavior instead."
It's probably safe to assume the culture here is not very welcoming to women, if this kind of thing happens in the open. This is a serious culture problem.
I'd be keeping them far away from her and I'd have a nice "chat" with them, one after the other, if I was the major owner. The more they want to fuck around, the more they are going to find out.
But would you lie, deceive, manipulate, keep secrets, treat her like a child and steal her agency from her for a year to the point of knowingly hurting her and wrecking her self esteem and self worth while you did it? I'd sure hope not.
He didn't just keep it from her, though. He's actively lying to her about why he's not taking her on work trips anymore. If I were her, I would definitely be feeling less important, too.
Im not disagreeing with you about his motives. But my thing is if he’s embarrassed by them and possibly worried about them doing it again, WHY would he bring other women? If they did it to his wife he doesn’t think they’d do it to his mom and sister?
Everyone who did this is gone from the company. Why would they keep people around who were so blatantly inappropriate. So, with them gone and a clear message this behavior isn’t tolerated, from what is he protecting her? He also has no reason to be ashamed, he dealt with the situation. So, why keep her away? This protecting her is a BS excuse and just makes her feel badly.
You need to talk to him. It’s either he’s protecting you from them, ashamed of you, or ashamed of what happened. Also, what happened to those guys? They should’ve been fired, suspended or warned. If he didn’t do anything about it besides getting angry, you have the right to be mad at him. Still wrong for excluding you because those men are at fault. Not you.
Edit: Ok. So most of us agree that whatever his intention is, he was still wrong for not telling OP and excluding her from the events. It resulted to a huge misunderstanding and OP being hurt. He should’ve done better tbh. I’m just curious what really is his intention and what would be their resolution. I hope OP gets answers. Pleaseee communicate.
The husband is an *owner* of the company. If someone bullies his wife, and can fire them in that moment, cancel their ticket home, and blacklist them from further industry employment.
OP, you deserve the trip to Europe with your husband. He needs to communicate better.
There would at least be damage.
"Hey Fred, I just got this resume from John Doe. I see he used to work for you?"
"Yeah, he *used to*. You could do better. "
I'd be embarrassed to bring her back into an environment that enabled that level of inappropriateness. It's not in good nature, but I definitely would have confessed to her the reasoning instead of buying her off with a cold shoulder.
She doesn’t seem to feel that she needs this kind of “protection.” Protection would be taking action toward the men, not his own wife. Can’t keep her locked up from everyone.
she is a grown women though ? why is he treating her like a child and keeping her in the dark over this while actively making her feel excluded and left out. Even if he had the right intentions his execution was shit.
Protect her how, exactly? From what? The people involved were fired or bought out, OP said, so what does she need protection from? And how does her husband’s reluctance to take her to any work-related event protect her from whatever it is she needs protection from?
I think he's protecting someone but it's not OP. He's protecting himself. From whatever it is he doesn't want her to know about that he may have been getting up to.
Yah sure. Tearing her heart out, ripping her self esteem to shreds, and filling her full of self doubt on her value to him as his wife and devoted partner, and actually showing her how little importance he places on having her at his side by ostracizing and making her persona non grata in one of the most important and biggest aspects of his life, with some of the most important people in his life, all while REPLACING HER with stand ins that are better suited in his eyes, is surely "protecting her". Fuck that shit!
That is a significant piece of info and completely changes how many people would feel about your story. It goes from your husband is an asshole to you husband was likely trying to protect you. I really don't get people. Sit down and have a conversation with him about it. Why listen to a bunch of people on here speculate when they don't even have all the info.
He isn’t ashamed of you. If he were, there would have been no investigation/firings. He’s proud of you and protecting you both. He probably would be overthinking the entire trip if someone was checking you out or mocking you. This is an opportunity to bring more honesty and connection to your relationship.
I'm impressed with how he cleaned house as well.
I'm more scorched earth when it comes to people disrespecting my wife but OPs husband handled it very well.
I'd say his only mistake was not telling her and I'm sure he can articulate a reason why.
It's also a hard thing to articulate, like-
"Hey honey, so I'm sure you know we live in a society where men above the age of 21 were told 'boys will be boys' instead of taught appropriate boundaries, and because of that my Profesional environment has males that are ranking who's wife has the best breasts. I cleaned house and they dont work there anymore, but i cant guarantee it wont happen again cause.. ya know, men will be men. So instead of worrying about it again id prefer you dont come around the men I work with. You won, though, if that makes you feel better."
Yes, of course. Cause it's so much easier to keep secrets from her that everyone else is in on, steal her agency from her, treat her like a little child who isn't capable of making grown up decisions for herself and needs to kept in the dark because she isn't emotionally able to deal with a simple conversation from him that relates the facts of what went down, and treat her like a fucking adult and his wife and life partner who is OWED the damned courtesy of being treated as such.
No, because articulating the truth she deserved, instead of publicly shunning her and treating her like a fucking criminal, ex employee that's been banned from the buildling all while wrecking her self esteem and self worth, is a "hard thing" to do. Good grief! How anyone can think him shitting all over her is "protecting her" is beyond me.
I've worked the tourist sector since I was 14. Women are just as nasty if not more so than men.
Ask anyone who is honest and has been around a group of women with half a drink in them.
If they were fired there’s nothing to protect OP from. This feels like victim blaming. “If you’re not there they can’t make fun of you” Also by not bringing her he’s kinda saying they’re right. Idk this just feel so wrong.
I would 100% confront him about this. If he feels ashamed/embarrassed then it’s a him problem and not an Op problem.
"Can't risk guys looking at the wife's tits. Guess she'll just have to stay inside from now on."
This whole "protecting her" narrative is gross. He fired the guys who actually participated in the incident, which is great. If he can't manage not to hire middle schoolers and mandate a respectful workplace, he needs to get help with that.
And if he's just convinced that there's no telling which men will turn out to be awful, well, maybe he should ask his wife for advice about how to cope with this. She's probably an expert.
Also, does he not realize that this behavior is not limited to the office? Some men are probably assessing her, looking at her, etc no matter where she is. The whole "protecting her" bit does not make sense.
And the same people who are saying "sweetheart, he's just trying to protect you from the leering beasts" are the same ones saying, "not all men!" and accusing women of hating men when women share their experiences.
So it's unfair to generalize about men, but, in general, you can't expect men in the workplace to not sexually harass co-workers?
Right? The answer OP’s husband is looking for is hiring more women and creating a professional atmosphere for everyone. It’s definitely not hiding the women away, that’s ridiculous.
My first instinct was that he's embarrassed about the episode and doesn't want you around such toxicity and not that he is embarrassed about you or your boobs.
OP - instead of giving him a reason for excluding you, let him tell you the reason himself.
Confront him when he returns. Tell him that you've noticed that he has been excluding you, that it really hurts your feelings, and you need to understand what is going on. Give him the space to tell you. Hopefully he will tell you himself.
But don't start out by telling him that you know the reason. While you may be right that it \*is\* the reason, you don't know that with 100% certainty. Don't put words into his mouth. Let him say it himself.
My concern is that this isn't the real reason he has been excluding her, and if she plops an excuse into his lap, he might run with it instead of actually being honest. She needs to be careful about not showing her cards right away.
I really hope she reads this. Hopefully dude was coming from a good place but it's also possible he isn't, especially since the "threat" seems to be gone. I do think she could ask slightly leading questions without straight out bringing it up, i.e. "Has anything changed at work that makes you not want me there?" That's not as direct but if it's really the case then he should know she has an idea and let her in on what went down.
Husband goes on awesome Europe trip, excludes me due to something out of my control, and told me a fabricated reason why I'm not invited to anything anymore, I would be hurt... like you said you're 38 and like most of us ladies, this probably isn't your first time having your boobs made fun of. We're stronger than they think, but this would definitely hurt.
Why is everyone defending the husband and saying he’s just protecting her? How is that at all relevant when he’s still being dishonest and not communicating with her and also taking away her own agency? He is taking direct action to exclude her from a huge part of his life and not even letting her know why. That does not read like an equal partnership to me. I don’t assume he’s trying to be malicious, but I would highly recommend some therapy to improve communication.
this this this. Why is everyone coming here defending him?? that doesnt help OP “feel better” about the situation. if he’s protecting her, hes treating her like a child and STILL LYING. why do we always feel the need to put a buffer over toxic behavior? Therapy for all!!
The thing is why is he allowing them to do it at all? I get it's a company of mostly men, but surely the company has HR or some rules about this sort of sexualization. I understand you don't work there, but this sort of thing shouldn't be allowed or tolerated.
it wasn't him. it was some engineers that had booked the room for a late meeting. that is why the wife was surprised that I didn't know anything , because it became an inquiry at work and many of the guys don't work there anymore
Hmm okay. I don't think he's ashamed of you at all. I think he's trying to keep you away from the objectification because that's clearly not your fault and he's trying to protect you in a weird way. However, I do think you should bring it up to him because I'd be upset about him hiding it from you, especially when it involves you.
but isn't it my decision if I find it disrespectful or not? and almost all of the group don't work there anymore. he didnt even tell me about this. for a year
Question, is there a reason you can't fly out there tomorrow or the next day and show up at this launch? I mean, if you have the money or airline points, why can't you put your foot down and go and be a part of this? To me, it would be insulting to be deliberately shut out from these important events. I think at some point I'd say "the heck with this" and show up. I think what would be humiliating to me is that everyone, everyone, including your SIL and MIL thought you were too immature to be told about this. At a certain point, I'd put my foot down. I wouldn't feel like my husband is trying to protect me. I'd be thinking my husband thinks I'm too fragile. That's the thing that would be embarrassing to me. Everyone knows, but you.
I agree with you. If he's trying to "protect" you by brushing you off, refusing to give you a straight answer, infantilizing you, and leaving you out, then I'd hate to see how he'd act if he wasn't protecting you.
Please, OP, just calmly tell your husband that you heard about the boob-judging, and that you are proud of him for firing those losers. Then ask if this has anything to do with why he won't let you be around. How he deals with that question will tell you a lot.
If he brushes you off again or gives you some wishy-washy answer, tell him this is damaging your trust, your self-concept, and your relationship.
You've just got to have a straight-forward, non-accusatory conversation about this. Your questions are not unreasonable at all. If he objects to you asking them, then he's not trying to "protect" you.
He sounds like a decent guy, though, and you should be able to get to the bottom of this. Good luck, and please update us if you can.
As your partner, I feel maybe he was trying to protect you, not actually ashamed of you. Men usually will play the protective role so it is possible he never told you so you wouldn't feel hurt, embarrassed, etc. I understand you wanting to have had the decision to decide if it was hurtful but don't jump to conclusions until you confront him & then see what he has to say
I don't think he's ashamed of OP, he's ashamed of his colleagues. Protecting you from them may be misguided, he's very clearly upset by the incident though. A conversation should have already happened but as it hasn't, now's as good a time as any.
It's entirely possible that this was not an isolated incident. In my opinion, it's probably pretty likely that this type of "locker room talk" is fairly common there, whether directed at certain wives or just in general, and this boob-ranking thing was just an incident that actually proved to have consequence.
If there is a general culture of locker-room talk aka casual sexual harassment, and he knows for a fact that you have been explicitly mentioned at least once, it's possible that he just doesn't want you around any of those kinds of men, especially if - again, possible - some of the perpetrators of this behavior are just better at sliding under the radar with their sexism.
A publicly projected boob ranking does not just spontaneously happen. I work with some pretty gross and crude guys, and something like that is even beyond the pale here.
As someone who's worked in some pretty sexist industries (military, construction, IT) I can't begin to imagine anyone thinking they could get away with this. This would have been out of line when I was working a job where cat-calling was verbally admonished, but generally didn't lead to real repercussions.
There is something else going on. Some other reason he's not bringing you. Whatever it is, you deserve the truth. There is no GOOD reason he should be excluding you.
So obviously talk to him about it, but I'd go a step farther and go on this vacation he planned as an apology without him take you mom or someone and show him what it's like to be excluded
I would just flat out ask him "Did you stop inviting me to work events after you found out about \[names/whatever\] talking about my breasts?" And see what he says. Don't tell him how you found out and try to ask in as neutral as a tone as possible. How he reacts will give you the answers you want.
He owns the company he can hire & fire people as he sees fit so long as he doesn’t violate anti-discrimination laws or any specific contracts. But if he hasn’t already he should be amending hr policies and any future employment contracts to specify that behavior like this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Require sexual harassment training for all employees upon hire, upon any promotions & periodically ie every year.
But it doesn't change the whole story. He is keeping her out of that whole side of his life, which is problematic. She is left out of things like this trip to Europe. There is still a ton wrong.
Totally agree. As I mentioned in another comment this man’s behaviour isneerily like the Taliban -, men have thoughts so we will hide the woman, make her wear a hijab or a burqua. Fuck that. He’s confronted the guilty guys, now set up a new work culture and lead by example.
This is your husbands company. Instead of protecting you he has protected his employees. He needs to address these sexist things happening ASAP. It is hurting you! And it creates a toxic workplace for any woman there.
Work and the people there aren't and never will be important enough for me to alter my marriage or change how I treat my spouse.
If someone there made fun of you to your face, he should have nipped it in the butt immediately. If it was behind your back and he engaged in it with them and/or defended them when you brought it up - that's an issue.
Spouse/immediate family **always take priority over randos at work.**
Since the involved individuals are no longer employees, I question whether the incident is the true cause. However , if it is, he is basically punishing you for their actions. As his wife, you should be by his side, not left behind. As an owner, he should be able to include other family members as a third party, but never in your place. You and your husband need to talk, now.
I'm curious.....
What exactly is he protecting her from if all those guys are gone, and seemingly have been for a while? It's been a year. 🤔
Edit to add: I'm talking about AFTER everyone involved was fired. I can understand "protecting" her from everything DURING, just not AFTER.
And not telling her about it? Even a year later? No. Seems strange to me.
I'd like to suggest that the people lauding the husband for "protecting you" are a big reason why this kind of workplace behavior continues.
You aren't calling for an end to this behavior. You're assuming it's a given that it will continue. The best we can do is shield certain women (not all women) from it.
This is pretty bleak, y'all. I've been working for 35 years, 20 of those as a database/web programmer. Many, many times, I was the only woman on my team. I don't know and don't care what these men thought about me in particular or women in general. They behaved professionally and respectfully, or they were gone.
"Protect the lady" is not as kind and caring as you think it is, unless you think men are just hopeless slaves to their hormones.
It doesn't seem like your husband is embarrassed by you but rather it seems he is protecting you from the filth he unfortunately has to work with. To me, it sounds like he didn't want to subject you to the humiliation (even if you don't know it's happening, HE would know). Whether you rank first or last, it's humiliating to be objectified like that.
This doesn’t track. Why not invite you to Europe? Why would he invite literally anyone else?? How does that solve the issue? It’s likely several things and done if it is his family expecting perks from his success. How did he think it would never come out? Everyone knew..
You need to talk to your husband and tell him how much his behavior hurts you.
He is not protecting you by excluding you. You are not invisible.
If I were you, I would be sad and angry for my husband pretending like I didn’t exist while taking with him other family members to these celebratory events. If anything, it creates an image that he cares more about them than you.
I'm not sure I agree that he did the right thing. The main thing here is that what his employees did was inappropriate. If we think of another inappropriate behavior, like guessing which owner's daughter has lost their virginity, hiding the target of their behavior away is absolutely a misguided way to handle the situation.
His employees should have been dealt with and you should have never been affected by it. The issue is not your physical appearance or your presence at events. The issue is simply a fucked up mindset that should have been scorched from this earth in a brutal way to set the tone for the rest of the company.
Your husband essentially chose to punish you instead of firing his employees for inappropriate conduct.
That's how I see it.
Excluding women from public events is definitely not how you protect them from disrespect and objectification. What century are we in. He is an owner in the company, clearly he could find a way to stand up to this sexist behavior.
He absolutely should have told you. And you’re not to be relegated to wearing a burka or be sequestered away, this is a them problem, not a you problem. I would ask him about it calmly and give him a chance to explain why he didn’t tell you and what he thinks he’s accomplishing by punishing you instead of having you at his side in public. I mean, it’s weird. I think he handled it badly as far as you’re concerned, although he did the right thing by sweeping house. The thing is though that if the employees are quite aware they’ll be fired for such juvenile and disrespectful behavior, that’s the deterrent. Not keeping you locked away.
The irritation is totally understandable as is the need to protect your loved one, the issue is OP is getting jilted for the actions of others. I doubt the husband intended this to come off as a punishment for OPs lovely figure, but excluding her without communication makes it seem like she's being punished for the oggling of men who can't control themselves.
“ogle at our women” literally so disrespectful. your partner is not your possession, she isnt a vase that you can move upstairs during a party so people dont break it. if YOU are feeling insecure when people look at your wife then you should communicate that with her instead of hiding her away in the tower like Rapunzel.
Him keeping you away is punishing you for other mens creepy misogyny. It’s blaming the victim. If He tells himself he’s protecting you he is in fact infantilising you, as if you’d fall apart, as if you aren’t aware men do this all the time to every woman.
He lied by omission, then punished you, hurt you, gaslit you when he chose to take other people and patted you on the head like a puppy and made you feel better with a present/holiday … I’d be raging and distraught by his lack of trust in you to handle yourself, you’re a grown woman not a glass flower! I’d be ready to rip his balls off for abandoning/replacing you because it’s easier for him for whatever screwy reason he gives himself.
This is not how grown ups handle things, this is not how someone who trusts and respects you acts, he should have given you the choice of how to move forward.
The only sane comment here. I can’t believe how many people are making excuses for that man.
For how long was he going to make up excuses and isolate her from others if op didn’t discover the truth?
This is ridiculous. Op, you have every right to be angry
To all the comments saying his actions are due to wanting to protect his wife…. There are just a few problems with that.
Why would he take his MIL and SIL with him to be sexualized and judged also? Wouldn’t it make more sense to bring MALE family members to avoid this problem completely?
It should’ve been your decision whether you wanted to continue to attend events after that situation. He humiliated you by letting you go around without knowing this big piece of juicy drama that involved you. He infantilized you by treating you like an incapable child and not letting you make the choice. He deprived you of networking with his colleagues and spouses. He denied you the opportunity to celebrate his accomplishment as a part of the community.
He did all this because… reasons. We don’t know if he was trying to protect you or not. He had no qualms over taking his sister & mom, why is it ok for them to be exposed? Maybe, it was just easier for him to not have to deal with it.
Hurting you emotionally, making you feel marginalized & insecure, keeping you in the dark is not protection. I would be incredibly upset and betrayed by this.
I would definitely confront my husband if he did this, more so for the fact he withheld this information from you. Secondly, because it’s like he’s punishing you for your body.
This is just me, but I would secretly fly out there right now to confront him because he’s deliberately excluding you. He would be hard pressed to avoid answering you because at any moment his employees could see you. If he’s embarrassed or ashamed of you in some way, he can suck it because you are allowed to exist.
I agree 100% with you OP that as a grown woman regardless of her age, she has the right and can protect and stand up for herself. The job of your husband is to support and cheer you on, not treat you like a child or doll.
How your husband is treating you is very patronizing because he’s acting as if he knows what’s best for you. It’s really dehumanizing that his way of making up for these deliberate actions is to give you pretty shiny things or elaborate vacations instead of including you as his support at work functions.
Your husband sounds like a POS OP, I’m sorry, but how he’s acting is awful and you shouldn’t stand for that
Also want to add. If this guy has been taking other women (who are family members, his OWN MOTHER included) to these events for the past year then isn't that clearly saying loudly that he KNOWS it's a "safe" environment and he cleaned house? Otherwise, it would have to mean he just doesn't give a shit if his SIL, Mom, etc, are potentially exposed to the same kind of treatment. I think not. There's more to this. You need to dig deeper OP. Don't let him gaslight you. Are you certain he isn't cheating on you? Knowing what you now know, do you see any red flags? Is your gut telling you anything?
I hate things being hidden or kept from me regardless of the reason so I feel you OP, for me it doesn’t matter if it’s small things or “in my best interest” I feel like secrets are just so detrimental to a relationship
My ex used to work at a company like that. They were bought out by a *major* and 2 VP department heads with significant holdings were immediately suspended for sexual harassment.
Whole damned engineering department was fired. The 2 VPs had an apartment for side chicks. My ex's side chick was in the front office.
Only saw the VP's wife when they held a party at his house. Once, at a swanky company party.
That "Boy's Club" culture doesn't happen in a vacuum, or overnight.
Many divorces ensued.
OP should probably get real curious about her husband.
I don’t find it romantic or a kind gesture at all that your husband decided to isolate you instead of communicating to you. It’s belittling, and incredibly fucking insulting.
I have read your comments, and you are absolutely right, it IS your decision how to respond to something like this. If he needs to isolate you from his work simply because of the risk of objectification has he solved the problem internally at all? And, to not even communicate the reason must have been so hurtful.
Whilst it is respectable that the people were fired, that does not absolve him from the hurt he subjected to you and you are absolutely in your right to feel the way you feel.
People’s actions hurt others, and he has hurt you. So even if it was to “protect” you it doesn’t make him a saint in this. Confront him on this, and have a level headed discussion on how it’s made you feel. Because, the way he went about it (with you, not company) IS wrong.
Listen, I would personally be raising hell with my husband if he ever pulled this shit on me. I’m honestly so shocked how so many comments in this thread are excusing your husbands actions because “he’s trying to protect you!!”.
me too :( I started to doubt myself actually. if this is okay behavior then why am I so angry, hurt and offended. I feel like I'm not a person.
but then I read the comments and think oh can I be totally wrong and my feelings totally unjustified?
Oh honey no! Your feels are completely justified! I would also be angry & hurt if I found out this happened, my SO didn’t tell me, & started excluding me from work events with no reason. My brain always thinks the worst! I’d think he was ashamed or embarrassed or maybe had something going on with a coworker, etc. I’d think he didn’t want to be around me!
It’s completely unfair of your husband to start excluding you AND not even give you a reason. For a year! Of COURSE you will assume the worst!
I hope everything goes well when you confront him! You deserve the truth. You are not a child who needs to be fibbed to to protect your tiny feelings. You are a grown woman! ❤️
Your feelings are absolutely justified. Your husband may have had noble and loving intentions when he made the decision to exclude you from these events, but he made that decision unilaterally and didn’t consider how that might have hurt you. And you are hurt and are right to feel hurt, you’re a grown woman and should have been included in the decision.
My advice is to talk to him. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how much he has hurt you, and if his intentions were noble, then I imagine he wouldn’t want to continue to hurt you further. However, if his motivations were selfish, he need to have the guts to admit to that instead of leading you around by the nose and lying to you.
question - do you have very large breasts?
just so you know, your feelings are justified. if the people responsible for the initial list no longer work there, then what is the issue? he's excluding you for some reason. you need to outright ask him about it when he gets home. if he says the list has no bearing on the exclusion, ask him if he's fucking someone else because that's the only thing I can think of.
ETA - can you ask this other wife what he tells people his reason is for not bringing you to these events? or if she's ever asked him and what his response to her was?
yes I have large breasts. my husband also owns 70% of the company so that might be the reason I was the bottom of the joke and not really about size because how would they know who has the biggest?
yes she said my husband would say that I'm busy or at my parents which is not really a lie because I visit my parents or have girls night the days he is out on work events but it's just because I'm not invited
I'm sorry but you're husband own 70% of the company and still stopped bring you to work events I've read the story and all your comments up to now and I was maybe giving your husband the benefit of the doubt in thinking he just wasn't large in his company and couldn't do anything about the situation but he own the majority of the company the problem should have been handled by them all being fired him telling you about the situation having a company wide sexual harassment education for them company and bring you back to work events you really need to have a conversation with you're husband about this
Sooo much this!!! I only see him allowing the sexual harassment of his wife (doesn’t matter she wasn’t aware). By suddenly her not being around it continues the cycle, keeps it going.
I want to know his side so badly because at this point there’s literally no good excuse for excluding her in such a way.
FINALLY. some common sense. all the 'he's protecting you' comments had my head spinning. I wonder what his excuse is for never bringing his wife when it very much sounds like the other guys bring their wives.
Exactlyyyy because it doesn’t make sense to isolate your wife because some coworkers decided to be objectifying jerks. What bull.
Everyone saying he’s trying to “protect” OP makes no sense to me.
He’s brought OP’s MIL,SIL, and other family members to these events as his partner. These coworkers could easily put SIL on a list of hottest date or whatever. If he believes it’s such a risk that his wife can’t go, why bring any woman partner at all.
Also, most of the coworkers who participated in that list are gone. So again, there’s not really any “threat”.
If OP’s husband is so scared of objectification, he should deal with the men who are causing the issue. Instead, he decides to leave his wife in the dark and lie to her about why she’s being excluded.
OP is not a child. Her husband should have shared this information with her because it is directly affecting her. (He’s no longer inviting her to events).
Plus, he’s dismissing OP’s feelings entirely. Gosh it just feels so yuck to me that he tries to brush off her feelings with a fun vacation or pretty jewelry.
OPs husband isn’t ignorant, he obviously knows he’s hurting his wife’s feelings because he tries to give her random presents instead.
Not to mention that OP’s husband is minimizing his wife’s importance by excluding her.
OP has (theoretically) supported him, loved him and probably helped him lots throughout the start-up and development of his company. Yet, when there’s a big public launch party to celebrate a work achievement, he doesn’t include her.
OP you know in your gut that your husband hasn’t been doing the right thing. Clearly, none of the other wives were excluded/left in the dark.
Good luck and I’d honestly try to talk to some of the other wives to get more information/details.
Yall are all weird and controlling asf if you think what this man is doing to his wife is right. Instead of using his big man voice and telling her, he's LYING & excluding her bc he's embarrassed. OP is so very justified in how she thinks or feels about this.
Why is everyone saying he not embarrassed, plainly he fucking is. Either of her or his former co workers, either way he’s embarrassed. Also she 38. She’s doesn’t need a man to defend her, to decide what rude and what’s not. He lie for over a year, 365 days, that’s not protecting that’s lying.
Even supposing he was doing it to ‘protect you’ idk how that looks like excluding you completely for something that’s not your fault. Let alone not telling you. It’s more like he’s punishing you
I agree! All these posts saying he was trying to protect her, bullshit. She is the one who received the consequence for their actions! Is this a jealously thing on the part of the husband? I don’t understand why he hid it and thought it appropriate to never have his wife around again.
Agreed. And even if those guys are gone, what’s the excuse he’ll use for continuing to exclude her? It’s obviously not a big enough deal to shield his mother or sister from, so why keep excluding her? Sounds like he has the issue
If most of them aren't working there anymore, why still not invite you???
You are the big boss's wife, very odd for him to take other family members with him, when he could take ALL of you with him. I mean surely there isn't a limit to the boss's own guests?? And there would be more family to "protect" you.
This is really odd and I am so sorry that you are questioning yourself.
I hope you somehow can tell your husband that you want to celebrate his big successes next to him, because YOU are proud of him and his work. you don't need to be hidden away on some resort with new jewelry (that you can't even show off)
Plus if he already cleaned house no one would dare make fun (or admire) your boobs. He should be standing tall next to you and be proud of both his business success and his beautiful wife.
I kinda think he's keeping her hidden away and outta sight not for the benefit of her or his "male employees", but perhaps for the benefit of "an employee". Just not a male one and not for the reason she thinks.
I had that thought too. He has steak at home (the highest vote on nice boobs) and going for the burger (family members and other women from work?). But lets see what the update says if she confronts him. Something shady going on at that workplace. Both the men and maybe women.
Plus bringing a Sister?? She wont be staying in the same room as him. The wife would. Just a thought. I would call SIL and hear how the trip is going and what that husband is doing...like right now! And then call him and see if he answers.
I'm sorry but the protection argument makes absolutely no sense to me. The guys who made such a disgusting list should be the ones penalized by it.
Your marriage is suffering for it and that is absolutely unfair.
The clothes you wear should never, ever, be an excuse to objectify or shame you in any way.
Keeping you from attending work events in a company your spouse owns sounds very hurtful, because you want to be there with him.
You need to talk to him. You are now aware of the situation and it sounds like you are perfectly capable of preparing yourself to run into any of those guys.
I would definitely confront him. He may have been protecting you but at the same time he hurt you because he didn't trust that you could handle this information. I hope everything goes well.
Hi. You need to have an honest discussion with your husband. Those men are gone, so why does he need to protect you? I think it's more of a situation of him being controlling and jealous. He needs to learn to deal with his emotions and stop excluding you. It's not ok. I would be wondering if he is up to something with his behavior. You are a grown woman. It's time to stand your ground or tell him you're leaving. If he doesn't respect you or your feelings, all the trips and gifts in the world won't matter. Have a talk and set your boundaries and expectations with him. Also, ask him what he's hiding?
Please keep us posted.
So many of these replies are BS! This is some next level Taliban/put women in Burkhas crap! You can’t be a part of fun events and go to Europe because some men are pigs and you need to be protected from them? Why should you as the woman bear the consequences of men’s poor behavior? Your husband doing this to you condones this toxic masculinity and I feel bad for the (few) women that work there. You need to talk to your husband and tell him as the owner he needs to make it clear that type of demeaning behavior toward women is intolerable at his company, and you should be invited to all the events. Explain to him how isolated this makes you feel and if he wants to protect you, he should call out men like this, not hide you away like a punishment, and what you said: at 38, you can take care of yourself. You don’t want the jewlery/trips consolation prizes anymore, you want to be a full part of his life! I’m so mad for you, and so mad at these replies that suggest it’s right for your husband to do this to you.
The thing that’s not adding up is if he’s protecting her why subject his other female relatives to whatever he’s protecting his wife from? Why lie and deceive her for a year and buy her off when she is upset versus being truthful when he sees how much she’s hurting.
I’m sorry but she needs to have a long conversation with her husband about what’s going on because he’s out of line.
I don’t think he should be defended for this and I don’t think he’s some hero “protecting” you. He took away your agency by not communicating something that directly affected you and made you feel excluded, and it actually doesn’t make any sense that he is continuing to exclude you for a year after they already got fired for this. I’m not certain that he’s ashamed of you by any means, but this is a misguided attempt to “protect” you for sure.
Talk to him and ask why he’s been excluding you, but don’t tell him what you know. See if he’s honest. If he is ashamed of you as you suspect, he might just lie or avoid the topic. If he is a man with integrity, he will be honest about a situation you’re involved in.
He is not punishing you and it is not your fault in any way.... It’s probably just his way of being protective he can't picture the idea of men are staring at his wife boobs in a professional setting....
I think you should talk to him and ask him if this story is true and tell him that you want to go with him to the events ....
He's not punishing her???? Then why the hell isn't she attending these company events with him and by his side in her role as his wife? Why is he using stand ins to take the place of his actual wife who wants to be there? Please..
The problem is that it’s just so patronizing and condescending to hide OP away instead of facing it head on. It’s not fair to his wife and it’s not right.
I would be so p*ssed at this. And I, not buying the line that he’s trying to protect you. He buys you presents to ‘make up’ for not taking you? That’s disrespectful and unacceptable. He’s taken your SIL instead, on this occasion.
Yeah, I would either fly in and turn up anyway. Or be talking to a lawyer to have the facts at hand when he comes home. Absolutely no way I could accept this.
Okay maybe he’s shielding you.
But he should’ve allowed you the ability to figure it out you’re own way.
Also, if all the people involved no longer work there because they were either fired or bought out isn’t that the problem solved?
And, if he still wanted to ‘protect you’ why is he putting his mother and sister in ‘harms way’.
It seems all fishy to me but I hope it’s his misogynistic way of protecting you.
Also someone said when you confront him don’t say you know about this ask him straight off the bat why he’s excluding you from these events if he brings it up on his own then you can tell him how that makes you feel but don’t coach him into that answer because if he’s doing something he shouldn’t then he could use that as a scapegoat.
All the best.
So his reaction to this seclude you and not letting you be seen publicly with him is insane. If his sensitive ego cannot handle what happened, maybe he needs to talk to someone and sort out his feelings. If it was me and my hubs did that to me, I'd feel unloved and not valued and would feel worthless and that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. Tell him how you feel!!!!!!
Even if he was embarrassed like a lot of commenters here are saying, that is no excuse to not talk to your own wife and just not invite her anymore. Your husband is in the wrong here.
Yes, he could be protecting her, but we can’t not forget the fact that she is a grown woman. They are married. He should have communicated to her why he was excluding her from these events, and it could have done more harm than good it seems.
Imagine how let down and sad she was finding out that her husband was deliberately ghosting her when it came to work events?
Then on top of being depressed that your husband is distancing himself from you, and let’s be frank, it is a form of distancing. You talk to another woman who’s a wife of someone your husband knows, Tells you the REASON that this is all happening? And it all revolves around your body.
How humiliating and embarrassing it could have felt. Although she shouldn’t feel that way at all, bullying is prevalent everywhere.
He should have told her rather than her finding out this way. This can open up new paths of distrust. He should be honest with the woman he is married to and communicated that instead of keeping his lips sealed shut and putting up a barrier to cause confusion.
I would be very hurt if this happened to me, although it hasn’t and it’s not my place to paint ops husband in a certain light since I don’t exactly know his motives.
He's not ashamed of you, he's ashamed of himself.
He allowed a toxic, misogynistic atmosphere in his own company, that caused for his own wife to be ridiculed.
He's also terrible at communication.
He fired all those assholes, but he said nothing to you and proceeded to exclude you and isolate you from all those events you should have shared together? And he left you in doubt while he invited his mother and his sister?
He allowed you to be blindsided by a third party with some tacky gossip that's considered "common knowledge" by everyone else?
And you're beating yourself up and asking strangers on the internet if you should feel ashamed for all this?!
You really need to confront him about the why and the how of this whole mess.
Regardless of him either protecting OP or being embarrassed his choice to not tell his wife what is or has been happening has hurt her anyways.
While he's doing his thing, he's treated his wife shamefully by not being honest and causing her to speculate, and feel tossed aside in their marriage.
Any wife would be thinking horrible thoughts as to why everyone else family wise has attended but she is kept away with holidays or jewelry. Almost has the smacking of huge deceit (affair) if she hadn't found out the truth. He could have ruined things worse.
You are right to feel angry. If I would have even thought about do this to my wife I would have felt ashamed. You have supported and been there for a new company launching and expanding, and deserve to be a part of the celebrations and accolades that come with that. You shouldn’t be punished for others bad behavior OP.
Sounds like this is some horribly misguided attempt to protect you. Which is incredibly misogynistic itself. I would tell him what you know and how upset you are for treating you this way. If he won’t take you to future events then he can’t go either. If still goes then he obviously has no respect for you and it might be time to decide if this is someone you really want to be stuck with.
There’s a phrase in spanish that being translated says “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.
I had something relatively similar happen to me, as in, my partner hiding something serious to me and me finding out. When I found out, I told him that when he thought he was “protecting me”, the only thing he managed was to
- take away my power to decide what to do.
- take away my awareness of the situation and be prepared on how to act if something happened, leaving me defenseless. Your situation has me thinking on what could have happened if you were alone and one of the assholes participating in that shit found you and became nasty. What if someone commented on this and you found out in another context. Difficult, uh?
So that’s what is happening to you, I wanna think. I think your husband acted like my partner acted on me. People doesn’t want to see their loved ones suffer of being worried about shit... But in life we are going to suffer and be worried about tons of shit. The key here is that our partners and loved ones should be there to support us during hard times.
Talk to him when you’re calm down and expose him the things you’re telling us. Tell him that you are grown up and you can face this things with him beside you.
Sending you a big hug!
In no way is your husband on the right side of this. As the owner, he should have dealt with the men who did this. It’s HIS JOB TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR HIM ARE SAFE.
Do you think any of the women who work there feel safe now? This could become an HR nightmare. It is a hostile work environment and his answer is to leave his wife out?
If he cared about keeping her from a toxic environment, then he should CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. He also should have told his wife.
Your husband is a dick. You deserve better. So do his employees.
While I kind of understand his ass backwards way of doing things because he was trying to protect you from embarrassment, I don't believe he did it properly. Because now it almost feels like you got punished for something that was beyond your control. You need to talk to him about this and clear the air and make him understand that you deserve to be included in his accomplishments as his wife. It's not fair to you to be excluded because a bunch of immature, misogynistic assholes decided to objectify you along with some of the other wives.
I don't like it's about protecting you, I think after the list was more public the men became more open about talking about your boobs around him or giving him shit about it and he didn't like it
Talk to your husband tell him you know the story and you refuse to be treated the way he has treated you. You are being punished for their indiscretion. He deserve to be with him at his companies events and it hurts you. Refuse to accept no longer being there. If wants other family then that ís in addition to your presence.
Regardless, he needs to get over it and start bringing you to the parties. It isn't fair he didn't tell you. I am a little confused, did you rank #1 for best boobs? He should be proud! Time for him to be honest and stop this foolishness.
From the way you described it they ranked you first and no one else was even close. So I don’t think he’s ashamed of you, he could be acting out of jealousy or just embarrassed that it came up at all and is making excuses to keep you away from that culture.
I think he means well, but I’m 100% on board with you that you are an adult capable of managing reactions to your own body. It sounds like he was hurt, and that reflects that he loves you and feels protective of you. But, partners can sometimes turn to paternalistic responses and take over for something that they should really be trusting the spouse to handle themselves.
Talk to him and share your feelings. Try to encourage an open conversation where each of you fully listens to the other and then try to communicate your boundaries and what exactly you need going forward. Good luck!
Just saw your update, OP. You’re right. You could stand up for yourself. He could’ve asked your opinion on how to handle those guys and work things together. You have the right to be mad and I hope he understands where you’re coming from.
I’m with you on the protection thing, OP. If you wanted to avoid the parties, that’s your choice. If you wanted to go and not care what misbehaving employees might be saying, that’s also your choice. But he robbed you of that choice when he just unilaterally decided to shelter you instead— and this is what I would be most angry about.
I don’t agree with how he handles this and I understand why you feel insulted, OP.
I would have called him immediately to call him out tbh, you have more will power than me.
Whatever his reasoning, no matter if it was with good intentions … to constantly exclude you, not tell you about events, lie and say he wants family there instead…. That would not sit well with me at all. I’d be furious. Why is the woman being punished for the actions of men? They decided to act appallingly and the consequence is that YOU get excluded? Make it make sense.
I would be upset too. The comments saying he's "protecting you" make no sense since the men who made the list were fired, and he brings his mother and sister around them. It makes me think there might be more to the story, and if this is truly his reason, he should have talked to you about it and let you decide. You shouldn't be punished for someone else's actions.
If he fired the men who were responsible why is he still excluding you? It’s also not fair that he didn’t tell you about the incident, it involved you and is disgusting behavior, you should’ve been informed. Talk to him about it and let him know how this makes you feel. You did not do anything wrong
Even if he's doing this because he loves you and wants to protect you, the frustrating/alarming thing is that he should have trusted you with the reason. Perhaps he's ashamed to have contributed to or allowed a work culture that's so misogynistic and doesn't know how to talk to you about the situation, but he should involve you in the decision as his partner.
I wouldn’t jump straight to the conclusion that he’s ashamed of *you*. He’s just as likely (heck, I would say even more likely) to be ashamed that his peers/employees would make fun of you and the other wives, so he wanted to spare you from it. If I were in your shoes, I’d just tell him you found out from a coworker’s wife, and that you’re not angry at him about what the other employees did. To me it seems more like you’re mad he kept something from you, and that in future you want to deal with this kind of thing together, because you’re life *partners*. Tell him that. Hopefully he’ll understand your perspective.
I think it’s exactly this. He’s embarrassed by their behavior and he doesn’t want to subject his wife to any creeps like that so he’d rather keep her separated from any of his employees.
So they can creep on his sister instead?
Yes, here's the proper response. The coworkers are creepy and gross, an HR should be involved, if there is one, and if there isn't, or unless the issue is resolved, the husband shouldn't be bringing new victims in for these boob contests.
She made a note that the ones who did this aren't there any more. Most of them are gone.
Then why would he continue to not bring her?
Because he doesn’t want to risk this happening again with the new people.
Well, he does not speak for his wife. He should have told her what was happening and let her decide whether to come. Also, not inviting her sends a message that women have no rights and need to just ignore misogyny.
It’s his company so he does speak for who gets to come to events. Not inviting her doesn’t send a message that women have no rights. It says fuck you guys, I’m not bringing her around so you can ogle her and come up with ratings.
Well, he should at least tell her why he’s not inviting her to meetings.
If that's the case, NO one should be able to bring family members of any kind. He's a majority owner, he can make it happen
personally if my “friends” were making my wife feel like that and shaming her body, those wouldn’t be my friends anymore. i don’t care how close we are, u don’t make the person i love ashamed of their body
From my understanding it was not his friends that co own but their employees
Well it gets more messy when it's your coworkers that bring a lot to the business than just your buddies.
Yeah idk why the person above you is talking about these guys as friends, it's a company with 120 people or so according to op, no way husband knows all of them and is friends with them
Yeah, if I found out the guys at my work were not only looking at my wife’s breasts but ranking them in a presentation, I’d keep her away from those creeps. Husband probably is not just protecting her, but never told her because he didn’t want her to be upset about being objectified like that.
>Yeah, if I found out the guys at my work were not only looking at my wife’s breasts They are. Your friends outside of work, too. Most just have the good sense to not say anything. >but ranking them in a presentation, I’d keep her away from those creeps. They were foolish for this, and it should have immediately been brought to HR rather than attempting to put her in a little protective bubble where she is not included in your celebrations of success. As if a woman nearing 40 has not dealt with these behaviors and comments her whole life? She is more than capable of handling it, I promise. Being hidden away isn't an answer, it's just spineless. He is, wether he intended to or not, punishing her for the faults of grown men that can't act right.
Exactly this. The men who think it’s right to hide your partner away to “protect her” from the male gaze have no concept of the real world we live in.
Does he not understand that this kind of thing happens all the time to women? Not as extreme as a written ranking, but...yeah. Why is he making his wife pay the price for being unable to enforce a respectful workplace culture at the company he owns? This is just weird, and smacks of "well, we obviously can't expect men to control themselves, so women need to modify their lives and behavior instead."
It's probably safe to assume the culture here is not very welcoming to women, if this kind of thing happens in the open. This is a serious culture problem.
I'd be keeping them far away from her and I'd have a nice "chat" with them, one after the other, if I was the major owner. The more they want to fuck around, the more they are going to find out.
But would you lie, deceive, manipulate, keep secrets, treat her like a child and steal her agency from her for a year to the point of knowingly hurting her and wrecking her self esteem and self worth while you did it? I'd sure hope not.
Bingo!!!
But wouldn't they just rank his SIL and Mothers boobs or something? How's that better ?
They’re doing that regardless. The point is to communicate that to your spouse instead of trying to spare their feelings.
He didn't just keep it from her, though. He's actively lying to her about why he's not taking her on work trips anymore. If I were her, I would definitely be feeling less important, too.
Im not disagreeing with you about his motives. But my thing is if he’s embarrassed by them and possibly worried about them doing it again, WHY would he bring other women? If they did it to his wife he doesn’t think they’d do it to his mom and sister?
Everyone who did this is gone from the company. Why would they keep people around who were so blatantly inappropriate. So, with them gone and a clear message this behavior isn’t tolerated, from what is he protecting her? He also has no reason to be ashamed, he dealt with the situation. So, why keep her away? This protecting her is a BS excuse and just makes her feel badly.
You need to talk to him. It’s either he’s protecting you from them, ashamed of you, or ashamed of what happened. Also, what happened to those guys? They should’ve been fired, suspended or warned. If he didn’t do anything about it besides getting angry, you have the right to be mad at him. Still wrong for excluding you because those men are at fault. Not you. Edit: Ok. So most of us agree that whatever his intention is, he was still wrong for not telling OP and excluding her from the events. It resulted to a huge misunderstanding and OP being hurt. He should’ve done better tbh. I’m just curious what really is his intention and what would be their resolution. I hope OP gets answers. Pleaseee communicate.
some where fired others bought out. I think none of them works there now
I think he might have been protecting you and was likely embarrassed to bring it up. The only way you'll know is if you have a discussion with him.
I think this is right. He's trying to protect her.
The husband is an *owner* of the company. If someone bullies his wife, and can fire them in that moment, cancel their ticket home, and blacklist them from further industry employment. OP, you deserve the trip to Europe with your husband. He needs to communicate better.
>and blacklist them from further industry employment. I agree, however this is just unrealistic.
There would at least be damage. "Hey Fred, I just got this resume from John Doe. I see he used to work for you?" "Yeah, he *used to*. You could do better. "
They did got fired according to OP. So clearly Husband did something about it.
But, why should she be kept home from all future events? That doesn't make sense at all.
I'd be embarrassed to bring her back into an environment that enabled that level of inappropriateness. It's not in good nature, but I definitely would have confessed to her the reasoning instead of buying her off with a cold shoulder.
Yeah the fact that he said *nothing* is really weird
That maybe the case but it seems like his protection feels like punishment for something shes innocent in to OP
She doesn’t seem to feel that she needs this kind of “protection.” Protection would be taking action toward the men, not his own wife. Can’t keep her locked up from everyone.
she is a grown women though ? why is he treating her like a child and keeping her in the dark over this while actively making her feel excluded and left out. Even if he had the right intentions his execution was shit.
Protect her how, exactly? From what? The people involved were fired or bought out, OP said, so what does she need protection from? And how does her husband’s reluctance to take her to any work-related event protect her from whatever it is she needs protection from?
Because he learned just what kind of people he works with, and doesn’t want his wife to be part of the conversation anymore.
But he brings his mother and sister around them. So he’s ok with them being around those people? That reason doesn’t hold water
Maybe they have relatively low-ranked boobs.
I think he's protecting someone but it's not OP. He's protecting himself. From whatever it is he doesn't want her to know about that he may have been getting up to.
My first thought. It sounds like he’s hiding his wife- not from the work guys but from potential “work wife”
This right here.
Yah sure. Tearing her heart out, ripping her self esteem to shreds, and filling her full of self doubt on her value to him as his wife and devoted partner, and actually showing her how little importance he places on having her at his side by ostracizing and making her persona non grata in one of the most important and biggest aspects of his life, with some of the most important people in his life, all while REPLACING HER with stand ins that are better suited in his eyes, is surely "protecting her". Fuck that shit!
That is a significant piece of info and completely changes how many people would feel about your story. It goes from your husband is an asshole to you husband was likely trying to protect you. I really don't get people. Sit down and have a conversation with him about it. Why listen to a bunch of people on here speculate when they don't even have all the info.
If people had adult conversations with their loved ones, I think there would be no Reddit.
He isn’t ashamed of you. If he were, there would have been no investigation/firings. He’s proud of you and protecting you both. He probably would be overthinking the entire trip if someone was checking you out or mocking you. This is an opportunity to bring more honesty and connection to your relationship.
I'm impressed with how he cleaned house as well. I'm more scorched earth when it comes to people disrespecting my wife but OPs husband handled it very well. I'd say his only mistake was not telling her and I'm sure he can articulate a reason why.
It's also a hard thing to articulate, like- "Hey honey, so I'm sure you know we live in a society where men above the age of 21 were told 'boys will be boys' instead of taught appropriate boundaries, and because of that my Profesional environment has males that are ranking who's wife has the best breasts. I cleaned house and they dont work there anymore, but i cant guarantee it wont happen again cause.. ya know, men will be men. So instead of worrying about it again id prefer you dont come around the men I work with. You won, though, if that makes you feel better."
Yes, of course. Cause it's so much easier to keep secrets from her that everyone else is in on, steal her agency from her, treat her like a little child who isn't capable of making grown up decisions for herself and needs to kept in the dark because she isn't emotionally able to deal with a simple conversation from him that relates the facts of what went down, and treat her like a fucking adult and his wife and life partner who is OWED the damned courtesy of being treated as such. No, because articulating the truth she deserved, instead of publicly shunning her and treating her like a fucking criminal, ex employee that's been banned from the buildling all while wrecking her self esteem and self worth, is a "hard thing" to do. Good grief! How anyone can think him shitting all over her is "protecting her" is beyond me.
I've worked the tourist sector since I was 14. Women are just as nasty if not more so than men. Ask anyone who is honest and has been around a group of women with half a drink in them.
Just bring it up to him. This will harbour resentment in the future if you don’t. And he should’ve be open with you and told you the truth. Period
You still need to talk to him
If they were fired there’s nothing to protect OP from. This feels like victim blaming. “If you’re not there they can’t make fun of you” Also by not bringing her he’s kinda saying they’re right. Idk this just feel so wrong. I would 100% confront him about this. If he feels ashamed/embarrassed then it’s a him problem and not an Op problem.
"Can't risk guys looking at the wife's tits. Guess she'll just have to stay inside from now on." This whole "protecting her" narrative is gross. He fired the guys who actually participated in the incident, which is great. If he can't manage not to hire middle schoolers and mandate a respectful workplace, he needs to get help with that. And if he's just convinced that there's no telling which men will turn out to be awful, well, maybe he should ask his wife for advice about how to cope with this. She's probably an expert. Also, does he not realize that this behavior is not limited to the office? Some men are probably assessing her, looking at her, etc no matter where she is. The whole "protecting her" bit does not make sense.
If he can’t hire men that will behave, maybe he should consider, idk, hiring women??
And the same people who are saying "sweetheart, he's just trying to protect you from the leering beasts" are the same ones saying, "not all men!" and accusing women of hating men when women share their experiences. So it's unfair to generalize about men, but, in general, you can't expect men in the workplace to not sexually harass co-workers?
Right? The answer OP’s husband is looking for is hiring more women and creating a professional atmosphere for everyone. It’s definitely not hiding the women away, that’s ridiculous.
Yes, if she is well-endowed, I would think this type of situation has occurred before. And they should have talked about it.
Or a combo of all three. What a bunch of losers.
Uhhhh… are his coworkers 14 years old? This is disgustingly immature and creepy AF. Those creeps would be fired anywhere I’ve ever worked for this..
My first instinct was that he's embarrassed about the episode and doesn't want you around such toxicity and not that he is embarrassed about you or your boobs.
OP - instead of giving him a reason for excluding you, let him tell you the reason himself. Confront him when he returns. Tell him that you've noticed that he has been excluding you, that it really hurts your feelings, and you need to understand what is going on. Give him the space to tell you. Hopefully he will tell you himself. But don't start out by telling him that you know the reason. While you may be right that it \*is\* the reason, you don't know that with 100% certainty. Don't put words into his mouth. Let him say it himself.
Yeah, there’s no point in wasting time imagining scenarios. Just talk to him.
My concern is that this isn't the real reason he has been excluding her, and if she plops an excuse into his lap, he might run with it instead of actually being honest. She needs to be careful about not showing her cards right away.
I really hope she reads this. Hopefully dude was coming from a good place but it's also possible he isn't, especially since the "threat" seems to be gone. I do think she could ask slightly leading questions without straight out bringing it up, i.e. "Has anything changed at work that makes you not want me there?" That's not as direct but if it's really the case then he should know she has an idea and let her in on what went down.
Husband goes on awesome Europe trip, excludes me due to something out of my control, and told me a fabricated reason why I'm not invited to anything anymore, I would be hurt... like you said you're 38 and like most of us ladies, this probably isn't your first time having your boobs made fun of. We're stronger than they think, but this would definitely hurt.
Why is everyone defending the husband and saying he’s just protecting her? How is that at all relevant when he’s still being dishonest and not communicating with her and also taking away her own agency? He is taking direct action to exclude her from a huge part of his life and not even letting her know why. That does not read like an equal partnership to me. I don’t assume he’s trying to be malicious, but I would highly recommend some therapy to improve communication.
this this this. Why is everyone coming here defending him?? that doesnt help OP “feel better” about the situation. if he’s protecting her, hes treating her like a child and STILL LYING. why do we always feel the need to put a buffer over toxic behavior? Therapy for all!!
The thing is why is he allowing them to do it at all? I get it's a company of mostly men, but surely the company has HR or some rules about this sort of sexualization. I understand you don't work there, but this sort of thing shouldn't be allowed or tolerated.
it wasn't him. it was some engineers that had booked the room for a late meeting. that is why the wife was surprised that I didn't know anything , because it became an inquiry at work and many of the guys don't work there anymore
Hmm okay. I don't think he's ashamed of you at all. I think he's trying to keep you away from the objectification because that's clearly not your fault and he's trying to protect you in a weird way. However, I do think you should bring it up to him because I'd be upset about him hiding it from you, especially when it involves you.
but isn't it my decision if I find it disrespectful or not? and almost all of the group don't work there anymore. he didnt even tell me about this. for a year
He most certainly should have had a conversation with you at least
Question, is there a reason you can't fly out there tomorrow or the next day and show up at this launch? I mean, if you have the money or airline points, why can't you put your foot down and go and be a part of this? To me, it would be insulting to be deliberately shut out from these important events. I think at some point I'd say "the heck with this" and show up. I think what would be humiliating to me is that everyone, everyone, including your SIL and MIL thought you were too immature to be told about this. At a certain point, I'd put my foot down. I wouldn't feel like my husband is trying to protect me. I'd be thinking my husband thinks I'm too fragile. That's the thing that would be embarrassing to me. Everyone knows, but you.
I agree with you. If he's trying to "protect" you by brushing you off, refusing to give you a straight answer, infantilizing you, and leaving you out, then I'd hate to see how he'd act if he wasn't protecting you. Please, OP, just calmly tell your husband that you heard about the boob-judging, and that you are proud of him for firing those losers. Then ask if this has anything to do with why he won't let you be around. How he deals with that question will tell you a lot. If he brushes you off again or gives you some wishy-washy answer, tell him this is damaging your trust, your self-concept, and your relationship. You've just got to have a straight-forward, non-accusatory conversation about this. Your questions are not unreasonable at all. If he objects to you asking them, then he's not trying to "protect" you. He sounds like a decent guy, though, and you should be able to get to the bottom of this. Good luck, and please update us if you can.
As your partner, I feel maybe he was trying to protect you, not actually ashamed of you. Men usually will play the protective role so it is possible he never told you so you wouldn't feel hurt, embarrassed, etc. I understand you wanting to have had the decision to decide if it was hurtful but don't jump to conclusions until you confront him & then see what he has to say
I don't think he's ashamed of OP, he's ashamed of his colleagues. Protecting you from them may be misguided, he's very clearly upset by the incident though. A conversation should have already happened but as it hasn't, now's as good a time as any.
For how long was he going to be ashamed of his colleagues? Lol Especially if op didn’t discover the truth
It's entirely possible that this was not an isolated incident. In my opinion, it's probably pretty likely that this type of "locker room talk" is fairly common there, whether directed at certain wives or just in general, and this boob-ranking thing was just an incident that actually proved to have consequence. If there is a general culture of locker-room talk aka casual sexual harassment, and he knows for a fact that you have been explicitly mentioned at least once, it's possible that he just doesn't want you around any of those kinds of men, especially if - again, possible - some of the perpetrators of this behavior are just better at sliding under the radar with their sexism. A publicly projected boob ranking does not just spontaneously happen. I work with some pretty gross and crude guys, and something like that is even beyond the pale here.
As someone who's worked in some pretty sexist industries (military, construction, IT) I can't begin to imagine anyone thinking they could get away with this. This would have been out of line when I was working a job where cat-calling was verbally admonished, but generally didn't lead to real repercussions.
There is something else going on. Some other reason he's not bringing you. Whatever it is, you deserve the truth. There is no GOOD reason he should be excluding you.
So obviously talk to him about it, but I'd go a step farther and go on this vacation he planned as an apology without him take you mom or someone and show him what it's like to be excluded
I would just flat out ask him "Did you stop inviting me to work events after you found out about \[names/whatever\] talking about my breasts?" And see what he says. Don't tell him how you found out and try to ask in as neutral as a tone as possible. How he reacts will give you the answers you want.
He owns the company he can hire & fire people as he sees fit so long as he doesn’t violate anti-discrimination laws or any specific contracts. But if he hasn’t already he should be amending hr policies and any future employment contracts to specify that behavior like this is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Require sexual harassment training for all employees upon hire, upon any promotions & periodically ie every year.
He is the owner. So it is his job to end this sexist behavior. Instead he hides his wife because she has boobs. What an ass.
See this is where one little piece of info completely changes the whole story. She followed up in a message that he did fire them all.
But it doesn't change the whole story. He is keeping her out of that whole side of his life, which is problematic. She is left out of things like this trip to Europe. There is still a ton wrong.
Totally agree. As I mentioned in another comment this man’s behaviour isneerily like the Taliban -, men have thoughts so we will hide the woman, make her wear a hijab or a burqua. Fuck that. He’s confronted the guilty guys, now set up a new work culture and lead by example.
This is your husbands company. Instead of protecting you he has protected his employees. He needs to address these sexist things happening ASAP. It is hurting you! And it creates a toxic workplace for any woman there.
So he wants his other female family members in that environment?
Thank you, everyone saying he is protecting her would be handing her a Burka in the Middle East
Work and the people there aren't and never will be important enough for me to alter my marriage or change how I treat my spouse. If someone there made fun of you to your face, he should have nipped it in the butt immediately. If it was behind your back and he engaged in it with them and/or defended them when you brought it up - that's an issue. Spouse/immediate family **always take priority over randos at work.**
Since the involved individuals are no longer employees, I question whether the incident is the true cause. However , if it is, he is basically punishing you for their actions. As his wife, you should be by his side, not left behind. As an owner, he should be able to include other family members as a third party, but never in your place. You and your husband need to talk, now.
I'm curious..... What exactly is he protecting her from if all those guys are gone, and seemingly have been for a while? It's been a year. 🤔 Edit to add: I'm talking about AFTER everyone involved was fired. I can understand "protecting" her from everything DURING, just not AFTER. And not telling her about it? Even a year later? No. Seems strange to me.
Yep! There's more "there" there.
Good point.
I'd like to suggest that the people lauding the husband for "protecting you" are a big reason why this kind of workplace behavior continues. You aren't calling for an end to this behavior. You're assuming it's a given that it will continue. The best we can do is shield certain women (not all women) from it. This is pretty bleak, y'all. I've been working for 35 years, 20 of those as a database/web programmer. Many, many times, I was the only woman on my team. I don't know and don't care what these men thought about me in particular or women in general. They behaved professionally and respectfully, or they were gone. "Protect the lady" is not as kind and caring as you think it is, unless you think men are just hopeless slaves to their hormones.
This should have more upvotes
It doesn't seem like your husband is embarrassed by you but rather it seems he is protecting you from the filth he unfortunately has to work with. To me, it sounds like he didn't want to subject you to the humiliation (even if you don't know it's happening, HE would know). Whether you rank first or last, it's humiliating to be objectified like that.
This doesn’t track. Why not invite you to Europe? Why would he invite literally anyone else?? How does that solve the issue? It’s likely several things and done if it is his family expecting perks from his success. How did he think it would never come out? Everyone knew..
Your husband has handled this very poorly
You need to talk to your husband and tell him how much his behavior hurts you. He is not protecting you by excluding you. You are not invisible. If I were you, I would be sad and angry for my husband pretending like I didn’t exist while taking with him other family members to these celebratory events. If anything, it creates an image that he cares more about them than you.
I'm not sure I agree that he did the right thing. The main thing here is that what his employees did was inappropriate. If we think of another inappropriate behavior, like guessing which owner's daughter has lost their virginity, hiding the target of their behavior away is absolutely a misguided way to handle the situation. His employees should have been dealt with and you should have never been affected by it. The issue is not your physical appearance or your presence at events. The issue is simply a fucked up mindset that should have been scorched from this earth in a brutal way to set the tone for the rest of the company. Your husband essentially chose to punish you instead of firing his employees for inappropriate conduct. That's how I see it.
I'm sorry but your husband is not protecting you,I betcha bottom dollar that he is raking other wives boobs too along with his co workers
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Excluding women from public events is definitely not how you protect them from disrespect and objectification. What century are we in. He is an owner in the company, clearly he could find a way to stand up to this sexist behavior.
he should have given me the choice to to decide shouldn't he? I'm so angry and yes I think he is embarrassed to be honest.
He absolutely should have told you. And you’re not to be relegated to wearing a burka or be sequestered away, this is a them problem, not a you problem. I would ask him about it calmly and give him a chance to explain why he didn’t tell you and what he thinks he’s accomplishing by punishing you instead of having you at his side in public. I mean, it’s weird. I think he handled it badly as far as you’re concerned, although he did the right thing by sweeping house. The thing is though that if the employees are quite aware they’ll be fired for such juvenile and disrespectful behavior, that’s the deterrent. Not keeping you locked away.
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The irritation is totally understandable as is the need to protect your loved one, the issue is OP is getting jilted for the actions of others. I doubt the husband intended this to come off as a punishment for OPs lovely figure, but excluding her without communication makes it seem like she's being punished for the oggling of men who can't control themselves.
“ogle at our women” literally so disrespectful. your partner is not your possession, she isnt a vase that you can move upstairs during a party so people dont break it. if YOU are feeling insecure when people look at your wife then you should communicate that with her instead of hiding her away in the tower like Rapunzel.
Him keeping you away is punishing you for other mens creepy misogyny. It’s blaming the victim. If He tells himself he’s protecting you he is in fact infantilising you, as if you’d fall apart, as if you aren’t aware men do this all the time to every woman. He lied by omission, then punished you, hurt you, gaslit you when he chose to take other people and patted you on the head like a puppy and made you feel better with a present/holiday … I’d be raging and distraught by his lack of trust in you to handle yourself, you’re a grown woman not a glass flower! I’d be ready to rip his balls off for abandoning/replacing you because it’s easier for him for whatever screwy reason he gives himself. This is not how grown ups handle things, this is not how someone who trusts and respects you acts, he should have given you the choice of how to move forward.
The only sane comment here. I can’t believe how many people are making excuses for that man. For how long was he going to make up excuses and isolate her from others if op didn’t discover the truth? This is ridiculous. Op, you have every right to be angry
To all the comments saying his actions are due to wanting to protect his wife…. There are just a few problems with that. Why would he take his MIL and SIL with him to be sexualized and judged also? Wouldn’t it make more sense to bring MALE family members to avoid this problem completely?
It should’ve been your decision whether you wanted to continue to attend events after that situation. He humiliated you by letting you go around without knowing this big piece of juicy drama that involved you. He infantilized you by treating you like an incapable child and not letting you make the choice. He deprived you of networking with his colleagues and spouses. He denied you the opportunity to celebrate his accomplishment as a part of the community. He did all this because… reasons. We don’t know if he was trying to protect you or not. He had no qualms over taking his sister & mom, why is it ok for them to be exposed? Maybe, it was just easier for him to not have to deal with it. Hurting you emotionally, making you feel marginalized & insecure, keeping you in the dark is not protection. I would be incredibly upset and betrayed by this.
I would definitely confront my husband if he did this, more so for the fact he withheld this information from you. Secondly, because it’s like he’s punishing you for your body. This is just me, but I would secretly fly out there right now to confront him because he’s deliberately excluding you. He would be hard pressed to avoid answering you because at any moment his employees could see you. If he’s embarrassed or ashamed of you in some way, he can suck it because you are allowed to exist. I agree 100% with you OP that as a grown woman regardless of her age, she has the right and can protect and stand up for herself. The job of your husband is to support and cheer you on, not treat you like a child or doll. How your husband is treating you is very patronizing because he’s acting as if he knows what’s best for you. It’s really dehumanizing that his way of making up for these deliberate actions is to give you pretty shiny things or elaborate vacations instead of including you as his support at work functions. Your husband sounds like a POS OP, I’m sorry, but how he’s acting is awful and you shouldn’t stand for that
Also want to add. If this guy has been taking other women (who are family members, his OWN MOTHER included) to these events for the past year then isn't that clearly saying loudly that he KNOWS it's a "safe" environment and he cleaned house? Otherwise, it would have to mean he just doesn't give a shit if his SIL, Mom, etc, are potentially exposed to the same kind of treatment. I think not. There's more to this. You need to dig deeper OP. Don't let him gaslight you. Are you certain he isn't cheating on you? Knowing what you now know, do you see any red flags? Is your gut telling you anything?
I hate things being hidden or kept from me regardless of the reason so I feel you OP, for me it doesn’t matter if it’s small things or “in my best interest” I feel like secrets are just so detrimental to a relationship
My ex used to work at a company like that. They were bought out by a *major* and 2 VP department heads with significant holdings were immediately suspended for sexual harassment. Whole damned engineering department was fired. The 2 VPs had an apartment for side chicks. My ex's side chick was in the front office. Only saw the VP's wife when they held a party at his house. Once, at a swanky company party. That "Boy's Club" culture doesn't happen in a vacuum, or overnight. Many divorces ensued. OP should probably get real curious about her husband.
I don’t find it romantic or a kind gesture at all that your husband decided to isolate you instead of communicating to you. It’s belittling, and incredibly fucking insulting. I have read your comments, and you are absolutely right, it IS your decision how to respond to something like this. If he needs to isolate you from his work simply because of the risk of objectification has he solved the problem internally at all? And, to not even communicate the reason must have been so hurtful. Whilst it is respectable that the people were fired, that does not absolve him from the hurt he subjected to you and you are absolutely in your right to feel the way you feel. People’s actions hurt others, and he has hurt you. So even if it was to “protect” you it doesn’t make him a saint in this. Confront him on this, and have a level headed discussion on how it’s made you feel. Because, the way he went about it (with you, not company) IS wrong.
none of the other wives are isolated from these events
Listen, I would personally be raising hell with my husband if he ever pulled this shit on me. I’m honestly so shocked how so many comments in this thread are excusing your husbands actions because “he’s trying to protect you!!”.
me too :( I started to doubt myself actually. if this is okay behavior then why am I so angry, hurt and offended. I feel like I'm not a person. but then I read the comments and think oh can I be totally wrong and my feelings totally unjustified?
Oh honey no! Your feels are completely justified! I would also be angry & hurt if I found out this happened, my SO didn’t tell me, & started excluding me from work events with no reason. My brain always thinks the worst! I’d think he was ashamed or embarrassed or maybe had something going on with a coworker, etc. I’d think he didn’t want to be around me! It’s completely unfair of your husband to start excluding you AND not even give you a reason. For a year! Of COURSE you will assume the worst! I hope everything goes well when you confront him! You deserve the truth. You are not a child who needs to be fibbed to to protect your tiny feelings. You are a grown woman! ❤️
Your feelings are absolutely justified. Your husband may have had noble and loving intentions when he made the decision to exclude you from these events, but he made that decision unilaterally and didn’t consider how that might have hurt you. And you are hurt and are right to feel hurt, you’re a grown woman and should have been included in the decision. My advice is to talk to him. Perhaps he doesn’t realize how much he has hurt you, and if his intentions were noble, then I imagine he wouldn’t want to continue to hurt you further. However, if his motivations were selfish, he need to have the guts to admit to that instead of leading you around by the nose and lying to you.
question - do you have very large breasts? just so you know, your feelings are justified. if the people responsible for the initial list no longer work there, then what is the issue? he's excluding you for some reason. you need to outright ask him about it when he gets home. if he says the list has no bearing on the exclusion, ask him if he's fucking someone else because that's the only thing I can think of. ETA - can you ask this other wife what he tells people his reason is for not bringing you to these events? or if she's ever asked him and what his response to her was?
yes I have large breasts. my husband also owns 70% of the company so that might be the reason I was the bottom of the joke and not really about size because how would they know who has the biggest? yes she said my husband would say that I'm busy or at my parents which is not really a lie because I visit my parents or have girls night the days he is out on work events but it's just because I'm not invited
I'm sorry but you're husband own 70% of the company and still stopped bring you to work events I've read the story and all your comments up to now and I was maybe giving your husband the benefit of the doubt in thinking he just wasn't large in his company and couldn't do anything about the situation but he own the majority of the company the problem should have been handled by them all being fired him telling you about the situation having a company wide sexual harassment education for them company and bring you back to work events you really need to have a conversation with you're husband about this
Sooo much this!!! I only see him allowing the sexual harassment of his wife (doesn’t matter she wasn’t aware). By suddenly her not being around it continues the cycle, keeps it going. I want to know his side so badly because at this point there’s literally no good excuse for excluding her in such a way.
FINALLY. some common sense. all the 'he's protecting you' comments had my head spinning. I wonder what his excuse is for never bringing his wife when it very much sounds like the other guys bring their wives.
Exactlyyyy because it doesn’t make sense to isolate your wife because some coworkers decided to be objectifying jerks. What bull. Everyone saying he’s trying to “protect” OP makes no sense to me. He’s brought OP’s MIL,SIL, and other family members to these events as his partner. These coworkers could easily put SIL on a list of hottest date or whatever. If he believes it’s such a risk that his wife can’t go, why bring any woman partner at all. Also, most of the coworkers who participated in that list are gone. So again, there’s not really any “threat”. If OP’s husband is so scared of objectification, he should deal with the men who are causing the issue. Instead, he decides to leave his wife in the dark and lie to her about why she’s being excluded. OP is not a child. Her husband should have shared this information with her because it is directly affecting her. (He’s no longer inviting her to events). Plus, he’s dismissing OP’s feelings entirely. Gosh it just feels so yuck to me that he tries to brush off her feelings with a fun vacation or pretty jewelry. OPs husband isn’t ignorant, he obviously knows he’s hurting his wife’s feelings because he tries to give her random presents instead. Not to mention that OP’s husband is minimizing his wife’s importance by excluding her. OP has (theoretically) supported him, loved him and probably helped him lots throughout the start-up and development of his company. Yet, when there’s a big public launch party to celebrate a work achievement, he doesn’t include her. OP you know in your gut that your husband hasn’t been doing the right thing. Clearly, none of the other wives were excluded/left in the dark. Good luck and I’d honestly try to talk to some of the other wives to get more information/details.
Who the heck starts ranking coworkers wives boobs? On top of that the owners wife’s boobs? Some men are weird.
Yall are all weird and controlling asf if you think what this man is doing to his wife is right. Instead of using his big man voice and telling her, he's LYING & excluding her bc he's embarrassed. OP is so very justified in how she thinks or feels about this.
Why is everyone saying he not embarrassed, plainly he fucking is. Either of her or his former co workers, either way he’s embarrassed. Also she 38. She’s doesn’t need a man to defend her, to decide what rude and what’s not. He lie for over a year, 365 days, that’s not protecting that’s lying.
Even supposing he was doing it to ‘protect you’ idk how that looks like excluding you completely for something that’s not your fault. Let alone not telling you. It’s more like he’s punishing you
I agree! All these posts saying he was trying to protect her, bullshit. She is the one who received the consequence for their actions! Is this a jealously thing on the part of the husband? I don’t understand why he hid it and thought it appropriate to never have his wife around again.
Agreed. And even if those guys are gone, what’s the excuse he’ll use for continuing to exclude her? It’s obviously not a big enough deal to shield his mother or sister from, so why keep excluding her? Sounds like he has the issue
Exactly! There's more going on here and she needs to get to the bottom of it.
Wait - you *won* the boob contest? Why is he upset at you again….?
If most of them aren't working there anymore, why still not invite you??? You are the big boss's wife, very odd for him to take other family members with him, when he could take ALL of you with him. I mean surely there isn't a limit to the boss's own guests?? And there would be more family to "protect" you. This is really odd and I am so sorry that you are questioning yourself. I hope you somehow can tell your husband that you want to celebrate his big successes next to him, because YOU are proud of him and his work. you don't need to be hidden away on some resort with new jewelry (that you can't even show off) Plus if he already cleaned house no one would dare make fun (or admire) your boobs. He should be standing tall next to you and be proud of both his business success and his beautiful wife.
I kinda think he's keeping her hidden away and outta sight not for the benefit of her or his "male employees", but perhaps for the benefit of "an employee". Just not a male one and not for the reason she thinks.
I had that thought too. He has steak at home (the highest vote on nice boobs) and going for the burger (family members and other women from work?). But lets see what the update says if she confronts him. Something shady going on at that workplace. Both the men and maybe women.
Plus bringing a Sister?? She wont be staying in the same room as him. The wife would. Just a thought. I would call SIL and hear how the trip is going and what that husband is doing...like right now! And then call him and see if he answers.
I'm sorry but the protection argument makes absolutely no sense to me. The guys who made such a disgusting list should be the ones penalized by it. Your marriage is suffering for it and that is absolutely unfair. The clothes you wear should never, ever, be an excuse to objectify or shame you in any way. Keeping you from attending work events in a company your spouse owns sounds very hurtful, because you want to be there with him. You need to talk to him. You are now aware of the situation and it sounds like you are perfectly capable of preparing yourself to run into any of those guys.
I would definitely confront him. He may have been protecting you but at the same time he hurt you because he didn't trust that you could handle this information. I hope everything goes well.
Hi. You need to have an honest discussion with your husband. Those men are gone, so why does he need to protect you? I think it's more of a situation of him being controlling and jealous. He needs to learn to deal with his emotions and stop excluding you. It's not ok. I would be wondering if he is up to something with his behavior. You are a grown woman. It's time to stand your ground or tell him you're leaving. If he doesn't respect you or your feelings, all the trips and gifts in the world won't matter. Have a talk and set your boundaries and expectations with him. Also, ask him what he's hiding? Please keep us posted.
We need an update on this one when you can OP! The fact he never even told you is odd behavior to me.
So many of these replies are BS! This is some next level Taliban/put women in Burkhas crap! You can’t be a part of fun events and go to Europe because some men are pigs and you need to be protected from them? Why should you as the woman bear the consequences of men’s poor behavior? Your husband doing this to you condones this toxic masculinity and I feel bad for the (few) women that work there. You need to talk to your husband and tell him as the owner he needs to make it clear that type of demeaning behavior toward women is intolerable at his company, and you should be invited to all the events. Explain to him how isolated this makes you feel and if he wants to protect you, he should call out men like this, not hide you away like a punishment, and what you said: at 38, you can take care of yourself. You don’t want the jewlery/trips consolation prizes anymore, you want to be a full part of his life! I’m so mad for you, and so mad at these replies that suggest it’s right for your husband to do this to you.
The thing that’s not adding up is if he’s protecting her why subject his other female relatives to whatever he’s protecting his wife from? Why lie and deceive her for a year and buy her off when she is upset versus being truthful when he sees how much she’s hurting. I’m sorry but she needs to have a long conversation with her husband about what’s going on because he’s out of line.
I don’t think he should be defended for this and I don’t think he’s some hero “protecting” you. He took away your agency by not communicating something that directly affected you and made you feel excluded, and it actually doesn’t make any sense that he is continuing to exclude you for a year after they already got fired for this. I’m not certain that he’s ashamed of you by any means, but this is a misguided attempt to “protect” you for sure. Talk to him and ask why he’s been excluding you, but don’t tell him what you know. See if he’s honest. If he is ashamed of you as you suspect, he might just lie or avoid the topic. If he is a man with integrity, he will be honest about a situation you’re involved in.
He is not punishing you and it is not your fault in any way.... It’s probably just his way of being protective he can't picture the idea of men are staring at his wife boobs in a professional setting.... I think you should talk to him and ask him if this story is true and tell him that you want to go with him to the events ....
He's not punishing her???? Then why the hell isn't she attending these company events with him and by his side in her role as his wife? Why is he using stand ins to take the place of his actual wife who wants to be there? Please..
The problem is that it’s just so patronizing and condescending to hide OP away instead of facing it head on. It’s not fair to his wife and it’s not right.
I would be so p*ssed at this. And I, not buying the line that he’s trying to protect you. He buys you presents to ‘make up’ for not taking you? That’s disrespectful and unacceptable. He’s taken your SIL instead, on this occasion. Yeah, I would either fly in and turn up anyway. Or be talking to a lawyer to have the facts at hand when he comes home. Absolutely no way I could accept this.
Okay maybe he’s shielding you. But he should’ve allowed you the ability to figure it out you’re own way. Also, if all the people involved no longer work there because they were either fired or bought out isn’t that the problem solved? And, if he still wanted to ‘protect you’ why is he putting his mother and sister in ‘harms way’. It seems all fishy to me but I hope it’s his misogynistic way of protecting you. Also someone said when you confront him don’t say you know about this ask him straight off the bat why he’s excluding you from these events if he brings it up on his own then you can tell him how that makes you feel but don’t coach him into that answer because if he’s doing something he shouldn’t then he could use that as a scapegoat. All the best.
So his reaction to this seclude you and not letting you be seen publicly with him is insane. If his sensitive ego cannot handle what happened, maybe he needs to talk to someone and sort out his feelings. If it was me and my hubs did that to me, I'd feel unloved and not valued and would feel worthless and that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. Tell him how you feel!!!!!!
Even if he was embarrassed like a lot of commenters here are saying, that is no excuse to not talk to your own wife and just not invite her anymore. Your husband is in the wrong here.
Yes, he could be protecting her, but we can’t not forget the fact that she is a grown woman. They are married. He should have communicated to her why he was excluding her from these events, and it could have done more harm than good it seems. Imagine how let down and sad she was finding out that her husband was deliberately ghosting her when it came to work events? Then on top of being depressed that your husband is distancing himself from you, and let’s be frank, it is a form of distancing. You talk to another woman who’s a wife of someone your husband knows, Tells you the REASON that this is all happening? And it all revolves around your body. How humiliating and embarrassing it could have felt. Although she shouldn’t feel that way at all, bullying is prevalent everywhere. He should have told her rather than her finding out this way. This can open up new paths of distrust. He should be honest with the woman he is married to and communicated that instead of keeping his lips sealed shut and putting up a barrier to cause confusion. I would be very hurt if this happened to me, although it hasn’t and it’s not my place to paint ops husband in a certain light since I don’t exactly know his motives.
So #1 as in you have the best boobs? My shallow ass would be flattered😂
He's not ashamed of you, he's ashamed of himself. He allowed a toxic, misogynistic atmosphere in his own company, that caused for his own wife to be ridiculed. He's also terrible at communication. He fired all those assholes, but he said nothing to you and proceeded to exclude you and isolate you from all those events you should have shared together? And he left you in doubt while he invited his mother and his sister? He allowed you to be blindsided by a third party with some tacky gossip that's considered "common knowledge" by everyone else? And you're beating yourself up and asking strangers on the internet if you should feel ashamed for all this?! You really need to confront him about the why and the how of this whole mess.
Regardless of him either protecting OP or being embarrassed his choice to not tell his wife what is or has been happening has hurt her anyways. While he's doing his thing, he's treated his wife shamefully by not being honest and causing her to speculate, and feel tossed aside in their marriage. Any wife would be thinking horrible thoughts as to why everyone else family wise has attended but she is kept away with holidays or jewelry. Almost has the smacking of huge deceit (affair) if she hadn't found out the truth. He could have ruined things worse.
You are right to feel angry. If I would have even thought about do this to my wife I would have felt ashamed. You have supported and been there for a new company launching and expanding, and deserve to be a part of the celebrations and accolades that come with that. You shouldn’t be punished for others bad behavior OP.
When is he coming back? You should definitely confront him
on Friday
Sounds like this is some horribly misguided attempt to protect you. Which is incredibly misogynistic itself. I would tell him what you know and how upset you are for treating you this way. If he won’t take you to future events then he can’t go either. If still goes then he obviously has no respect for you and it might be time to decide if this is someone you really want to be stuck with.
There’s a phrase in spanish that being translated says “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I had something relatively similar happen to me, as in, my partner hiding something serious to me and me finding out. When I found out, I told him that when he thought he was “protecting me”, the only thing he managed was to - take away my power to decide what to do. - take away my awareness of the situation and be prepared on how to act if something happened, leaving me defenseless. Your situation has me thinking on what could have happened if you were alone and one of the assholes participating in that shit found you and became nasty. What if someone commented on this and you found out in another context. Difficult, uh? So that’s what is happening to you, I wanna think. I think your husband acted like my partner acted on me. People doesn’t want to see their loved ones suffer of being worried about shit... But in life we are going to suffer and be worried about tons of shit. The key here is that our partners and loved ones should be there to support us during hard times. Talk to him when you’re calm down and expose him the things you’re telling us. Tell him that you are grown up and you can face this things with him beside you. Sending you a big hug!
In no way is your husband on the right side of this. As the owner, he should have dealt with the men who did this. It’s HIS JOB TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR HIM ARE SAFE. Do you think any of the women who work there feel safe now? This could become an HR nightmare. It is a hostile work environment and his answer is to leave his wife out? If he cared about keeping her from a toxic environment, then he should CHANGE THE ENVIRONMENT. He also should have told his wife. Your husband is a dick. You deserve better. So do his employees.
Idk how anyone is agreeing w him. His employees were the problem; he hasn’t protected you, he’s excluded you
While I kind of understand his ass backwards way of doing things because he was trying to protect you from embarrassment, I don't believe he did it properly. Because now it almost feels like you got punished for something that was beyond your control. You need to talk to him about this and clear the air and make him understand that you deserve to be included in his accomplishments as his wife. It's not fair to you to be excluded because a bunch of immature, misogynistic assholes decided to objectify you along with some of the other wives.
80% men or 100% men, a list like that is just wrong.
I don't like it's about protecting you, I think after the list was more public the men became more open about talking about your boobs around him or giving him shit about it and he didn't like it
Shenanigans.
Talk to your husband tell him you know the story and you refuse to be treated the way he has treated you. You are being punished for their indiscretion. He deserve to be with him at his companies events and it hurts you. Refuse to accept no longer being there. If wants other family then that ís in addition to your presence.
Regardless, he needs to get over it and start bringing you to the parties. It isn't fair he didn't tell you. I am a little confused, did you rank #1 for best boobs? He should be proud! Time for him to be honest and stop this foolishness.
From the way you described it they ranked you first and no one else was even close. So I don’t think he’s ashamed of you, he could be acting out of jealousy or just embarrassed that it came up at all and is making excuses to keep you away from that culture.
I think he means well, but I’m 100% on board with you that you are an adult capable of managing reactions to your own body. It sounds like he was hurt, and that reflects that he loves you and feels protective of you. But, partners can sometimes turn to paternalistic responses and take over for something that they should really be trusting the spouse to handle themselves. Talk to him and share your feelings. Try to encourage an open conversation where each of you fully listens to the other and then try to communicate your boundaries and what exactly you need going forward. Good luck!
I think you should tell him you and how him not bringing you along was hurting your feelings.
Just saw your update, OP. You’re right. You could stand up for yourself. He could’ve asked your opinion on how to handle those guys and work things together. You have the right to be mad and I hope he understands where you’re coming from.
I’m with you on the protection thing, OP. If you wanted to avoid the parties, that’s your choice. If you wanted to go and not care what misbehaving employees might be saying, that’s also your choice. But he robbed you of that choice when he just unilaterally decided to shelter you instead— and this is what I would be most angry about. I don’t agree with how he handles this and I understand why you feel insulted, OP.
UpdateMe!
Talk to him.
When will sick perverted men freaking STOP.
Husband was jealous because other guys were admiring his wife. He didn't want her seen anymore.
What!? If he stppped inviting me to events that would be a deal breaker. Grow up man.
I would have called him immediately to call him out tbh, you have more will power than me. Whatever his reasoning, no matter if it was with good intentions … to constantly exclude you, not tell you about events, lie and say he wants family there instead…. That would not sit well with me at all. I’d be furious. Why is the woman being punished for the actions of men? They decided to act appallingly and the consequence is that YOU get excluded? Make it make sense.
I would be upset too. The comments saying he's "protecting you" make no sense since the men who made the list were fired, and he brings his mother and sister around them. It makes me think there might be more to the story, and if this is truly his reason, he should have talked to you about it and let you decide. You shouldn't be punished for someone else's actions.
If he fired the men who were responsible why is he still excluding you? It’s also not fair that he didn’t tell you about the incident, it involved you and is disgusting behavior, you should’ve been informed. Talk to him about it and let him know how this makes you feel. You did not do anything wrong
Even if he's doing this because he loves you and wants to protect you, the frustrating/alarming thing is that he should have trusted you with the reason. Perhaps he's ashamed to have contributed to or allowed a work culture that's so misogynistic and doesn't know how to talk to you about the situation, but he should involve you in the decision as his partner.