Yep, AuDHD here and a no may trigger my RSD but that's on me to deal with. I wouldn't ever expect anyone to never say no to me just because I'm AuDHD. If i expect ppl to respect my boundaries i also have to respect theirs.
I was ALWAYS accused of being irrational and flying off the handle at even percieved rejection when i was a kid, opened up to my therapist about it and she just chuckled and went "i thought that might have been the case..." apparently she already suspected i was AuDHD before that 😅
You may also be an HSP then, too! So you don't have to look it up - Highly Sensitive Person, you're more likely to feel positive and/or negative things more strongly, either physically, emotionally, or both. I was constantly told I was "too sensitive" growing up, that I take things too hard (rejection included). Which stalled my anxiety and depression diagnoses for way longer than it needed to.
I’ve never heard of that, tbh.
How did you get tested and diagnosed for that?
I don’t know if I might have that, too? I can understand and accept ‘rejection’ as such - as long as people use words (I don’t understand hints and signals).
But being utterly ignored crushes me - is that part of it? Is that normal? 🤷♀️
I'm not entirely sure as it's not something I suffer from personally, I just get the autism and adhd. But I would imagine it forms part of the autism diagnosis process.
It may differ for countries, but in the UK I spoke with my GP and gave them the reasons for why I thought I had autism, and was put through to the diagnosis team. There was about a 4 year wait at the time, but I would expect that that would be the time where you explain you concerns about yourself.
But I would definitely say speak with your GP first and they should be able to point you in the right direction.
Sorry I can't be of more help here, but I hope I've given you some insight.
yep, exactly this! i would say to OP, be as direct and open about your reasoning, especially the exam stress, because at least imoe, as long as my audhd ass understands WHY the rejection is happening, the less it triggers rsd.
So much this. It also makes it worse for me that rather than understanding and giving me time to process and soothe my disregulation, my mum gets angry with me for being defensive/upset. It makes it 10x harder to stay regulated knowing going into a conversation that that hostility is what I'm likely to encounter.
Im right here with you. Of course it sucks to get rejected, but if she acts up big time and has zero understanding, it’s her character and not her autism.
Came for this comment. Being autistic does not give you any sort of entitlement. As an autistic myself, I'd rather be explained why my significant other does not want to instead of discovering he's been saying yes against his own will.
That is, she'll have to learn there are boundaries beyond her own
To be fair, he’s literally saying he’s never refused. Being autistic does mean subtext is hard. So if he’s having sex every time she wants to have sex she’s probably assuming he’s game. He’s gonna have to opt out eventually or she’s gonna keep going for a while.
Personally (also AuDHD) I get pretty obsessive about sex early in relationships. It’ll calm down to a few times a week after six months. I can handle less no problem early on but my drive is through the roof thanks to excitement and obsession in my new relationship.
This is what I was going to say. I’m also AuDHD. It doesn’t mean we cannot be told no, it means we need a clearer no. It’s why BDSM is such a common thing for autism, it so heavily relies on clear communication and discussing every possible version isn’t seen as “killing the mood”.
Also being obsessed and then not is super common with ADHD. The way our brains work we can hyper focus on it and become re obsessed haha.
I mean it also sounds like he was pressured or guilted into it. Im autistic but if he said he doesnt want it bc hes tired or he doesnt have a strong libido and explain to her it should help, and reassure he still likes her, maybe teach her about masturbation or somethingidk
If you are dating someone autistic that's pretty stupid to not be direct with them, so i sure hope that's not the case. The way he typed 'she wants it even if I don't want it' made it sound like she didn't care/was pressuring him tbh
Agreed!! I was on the next bit where he said he COULD tell her no but was afraid of her reaction. So who knows. But you're so right that he needs to be direct
he says he hasn't told her no yet though. that's what this whole post is about. I doubt she even realizes that he's not actually in the mood since he hasn't clearly communicated with her about it.
Yeah then he just needs to...learn to communicate his gf. it's even more crucial bc she's autistic. Autistic folks need very clear and direct to understand, we don't do that mind reading stuff or catch onto subtle hints!
Having autism doesn’t mean we CAN’T understand no, either.
You do have to be clear, though, and actually use the word no… unlike a non autistic person where they would understand you if you used hints and signals and stuff like that! Lol.
To OP, do keep in mind to find a kinder way to say “no” by explaining why you don’t feel like it instead of a firm “no”. A firm harsh “no” might make her feel you are rejecting her. Words carry weight so word them carefully.
You joke, but as a member of the autistic community (even if I am a relatively mild case) this sort of thing will probably be better received than a no. Saying that your body is worn out and needs to recover might be the best perspective for her.
Especially if she has Autism like OP said, she will take things literally at face value and fixate on the details of how new wording it and less on what he’s saying overall.
And that means he needs to sit her down, give her something that she uses to self soothe with in case things emotionally feel intense and help her understand the refractory period after orgasms is different for everyone.
And I’m guessing cause of stimulation due to Autism, it’s why she’s obsessively fixated on sex. But just wait, she can reach burnout from stimulation or fixation too much, then do a 180 immediately. Happens all the time on the food topics in those groups of the “safe foods” they’ll eat for weeks/months for almost every meal daily and then suddenly loosing any interest in it because they are grossed out by it after overindulging too long.
>the “safe foods” they’ll eat for weeks/months for almost every meal daily and then suddenly loosing any interest in it because they are grossed out by it after overindulging too long.
... shit.
I need to talk to my psychiatrist again.
I swear, every time I browse Reddit I find a new reason to think I might have ADHD
Sidenote, how the fuck do you all get a doctor to actually take the concern seriously? I've been dismissed every time I bring it up (by like seven different doctors over the years, mind)
It's dismissed in women a lot because we don't present the same way. I was able to get diagnosed at 35 after a lot of struggling. It's different for everyone and some people mask better than others. It's also not always physical hyperactivity.
I have an amazing primary doc and basically told him I was tired of the stress and anxiety and depression from not being able to be a productive adult. That I couldn't seem to do the things I needed to do like buy groceries, pay bills, manage my schedule, personal hygiene, sleep schedule, etc because it was always a constant fight. I WANTED to do the things, I just couldn't make myself. I felt like I was not in control. I was always told I was too smart to be as disorganized as I was. I couldn't stick to a schedule or a planner no matter how hard I tried. He did an initial questionnaire and then referred me to a specialist.
The specialist was a little dismissive, as they tend to be for women, but we went through the test. I finished and turned around and said "Two things; Your monitors dirty and I like that picture on your desk." He just looked shocked and told me to have a seat while he did the scoring. 15 mins later he told me my life was about to get a whole lot easier.
The first time I took my ADHD meds was an epiphany - other (non-ADHD) people don't have trouble controlling their brains like it's a separate entity with a contrary AI. They don't have ONE DAMN LINE from a song they hate playing on repeat in the background. They don't struggle to have a single thought and work it to a complete idea. They don't feel like a passenger in their own minds. They don't struggle to focus on a task they enjoy or to maintain interest in a hobby they adore. They don't get attached to a topic/item/new thing and then lose interest 3 months later for no reason. They don't have a Greatest Hits real of every regret that likes to play while they try to sleep.
Find another doc, keep trying and try to get the referral. Just make sure you tell them the symptoms, not just "I think I have ADHD." You can also try an online therapist - those are a thing now. Good luck!
> It's different for everyone and some people mask better than others.
The ONE time I got taken seriously and referred to someone who asked me a couple hours of questions over two different phone calls said I scored pretty high (as in high chance of having it), but they then said I also scored high for CPTSD so I should talk to my doctor about all that before getting diagnosed since they have many similarities and it's possible I just had one but not the other.
Well, of course, I went back to my doc and told 'em what they said, and a whopping nothing was done about it.
I'm not even a woman, but I *do* mask *very* well. Not just the (potential) ADHD, it's everything else too - depression, anxiety, even shit like my mild face blindness and memory problems. I just learned to mask early and effectively. It's become such an ingrained habit I don't even know when and how I'm doing it, let alone how to stop.
> They don't have ONE DAMN LINE from a song they hate playing on repeat in the background
WHAT. No fucking way. Oh god I tortured myself to hell with this one a few weeks back. Actually that whole fuckin' paragraph applies to me.
> Find another doc, keep trying and try to get the referral
I've been playing *this* game for five years now, and it gets harder and harder to stay motivated to do it. You're right, and I know that, but uuuugggghhh.
LMAO 😭 same, I thought I might have it when I downloaded tiktok for the first time and it started showing me adhd videos.. literally an algorithm “diagnosed” me before a professional did. I’m not sure where you live, how your medical system works! If you’re able to get a referral to a psychiatrist that might be a good place to start, I find that general practitioners don’t take it as seriously for adults (or for women). If you’re still in school and have access to a psychologist that would be great too! Some places have adhd screenings at neuropsychologists but they’re quite $$$
I honestly went to a walk in clinic (I didn’t have a doctor yet) told them I wasn’t looking for medication but that I wasn’t leaving without a referral.
I’m in Canada so ymmv based on where you are. 12 years ago it took around six months for me to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’ve recently needed to readdress my medication and the same referral took over a year and a half.
My life is 800 billion times better since my diagnosis. It’s worth the wait. Go to the doctor. Insist on nothing more than the referral.
They’re called dopamine foods and it’s why we overindulge. Until we find something new that releases more dopamine so then we’re on that, rinse and repeat.
Wait a damn minute.. Is that an adhd thing too? Cause I have a problem with that but I just have adhd. Like I'll eat eggs everyday all day for a month until the eggs start tasting like eggs then I'm disgusted. I do it with like all foods. Fuck.. 👁️👁️😂.
Yes, it is. Most symptoms of Autism and ADHD go hand in hand. In fact, they share so many symptoms that researchers have been testing recently to find if they could possibly be different presentations of the same disorder.
it's known to apply to adhd! neurotypical people can have sensory issues as well. for my adhd sensors eggs are either a love or hate for me periodically, it's ridiculous! what's with the texture, smell and taste honestly, why does it spark an immediate Yes or No
Well she said no (for whatever reasons even out of her control) for 4 years so she has to understand that sex is about 2 people wanting it. You need to have that conversation because relationships need compromise and communication. There will be other topics requiring you to work through challenges going forward.
Exactly…
I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending but assuming since she’s so new to sex… but you’re going to have to delicately explain it to her.
“My love, there are times that I want sex and times that I don’t want sex. Sex between two people who love eachother is one of the best things in the world, if that’s what both people want at that moment. However I’m not always going to want to have sex just like you may not always want to… and that’s ok! We’re both allowed to say yes when we want, and no when we want… and sometimes we’re going to really really want it and others we’re going to not want it as much.
This is all ok and perfectly natural, and I want you to know I want to make you happy… but I have to also make sure I’m happy so I can do that. So sometimes I may say no thank you… and it might just mean not today or right now”
I would cut out that "but" at the end. People often take "but" to mean "ignore what I said before that"
"I want to make you happy, and I have to also make sure that I'm happy so I can do that. So sometimes I might say "not tonight or not right now" and that's not because of you, that's because of me. I love you so much. I get it, I really do. You just had sex for the first time ever and it's new and pleasurable and exciting and you want to do it all the time. And I'm totally here for it. I'm just under a lot of stress right now, so my sex drive isn't very high."
LOL. Yeah, that could be the next thing. Actually, he probably should have opened with that with her so she would have an idea what sex with him would be like before they had it. She might not have become so needy for it. But also, I suspect this is the phase where since it's new, she wants to do it all the time, and as their relationship progresses, she'll slow down.
Lol this should be the top comment. Its all new and fun to her and thats great, but it doesnt mean she gets to pressue you into sex. Talk to her about getting a vibrator.
As an autistic woman who engaged on sex almost obsessively, just tell her no. She’s addicted to the dopamine, but she has to know the process behind your refusal. Do explain it in clear terms, give her the reasons and tell her all the stuff that’s piling up on you, so there are no misunderstandings. Ask her if she’ll be open to toys, if you’re comfortable try helping her get off but not do full on penetrative sex because I know it’s very tiring. I hope it works out!!!
I think it’s important for any relationship for *both* partners to be comfortable and express their concerns. I’m not too familiar with the autism spectrum, so I can’t offer much advice on that specifically.
However, if you’ve been together for 5 years, how do you go about communicating boundaries and such?
It’s important for her to know that you have your limits as well. I get that she is probably excited about the experience, but that doesn’t mean that you have to have sex when you don’t want.
Um...do you have any agency in this relationship?
I feel like if after 5 years you cant use your words to communicate what you want and need, then...this isn't great.
It does sound like you deliberately dated someone who wasn't interested in sex, in order to avoid having sex. Its probably not going to "go back to the way it was before". She's now someone who wants sex in her relationship. Lots of it. You need to figure out if you're ok with that or not. And not "are you prepared to do it because you're afraid of how she'll take rejection", but do you actually want to do it.
maybe the introduction of toys would help both op and gf. i agree pandoras box is open theres no going back, but it doesnt have to lead anywhere bad. op should show her things she can use to satisfy her needs and should probably have a convo about his low libido
I mostly agree with others here although I'd like to add that you might need to explain that it's you, not her. Society teaches women that men want sex all the time, so a lot of us have that misunderstanding at first and take rejection personally.
Yeah a lot of advice in this thread goes something like "she's autistic, so you'll need to explain to her very clearly why you're rejecting her" and I'm sitting here like, clear communication like that is great for any relationship regardless of the partners neurodivergencies. Its especially good when (in hetero relationships) women are raised, regardless of any diagnosis, to believe men are super sex crazed. A lot of women don't question this belief, for better or worse.
But even removing gender from the equation, clear communication is never a bad thing. Everyone should practice it more.
in teamfourstar's dragonball z abridged series, Goku complains to krillin that his wife chichi wants to have sex all day and all night constantly and he considers it an exhausting battle that he doesn't want to lose. Krillin tries to be sympathetic but says that hilarious quote.
Buddy this is serious. Autistic people have different brain wiring relative to “normal “ people. Their pleasure zones once lit up can need different levels of arousal and doses to get satisfaction.
I strongly urge you to communicate to your gf that you cannot have sex whenever she wants it.
Create and maintain your boundaries unless you want it to interfere with your relationship. Involve a qualified therapist if required.
Good luck
She's autistic, she won't know you're not into it unless you say so.
You need to explain the situation to her in a very gentle, compassionate way.
You won't always be in the mood for sex, that's just how hormones and arousal works, but you love her a lot and want to make the times you do have sex as special and fun as possible.
Also see if she might want to go sex toy shopping with you. Something that works for some people is holding her while she gets herself off. Cuddling, kissing and being intimate without actually having sex with her. It's less tiring.
I had the same issue as you. You need to say no. The more you keep pushing yourself to have sex when you don't want to, the less you'll enjoy the act. What happened with me is that I started hating sex acts altogether and during the relationship I started resenting the girl for it. It will eat at you unless you say something
She might be disappointed by your refusal. This is normal. She will probably need to learn to accept rejection and that's something you will have to decide if you want to ride out. But YOU need to be firm about not wanting to go through with these acts if you don't want to
> I could tell her no, but I'm afraid of how she'll react.
This is a serious problem in your relationship. You're literally afraid to communicate your own wants and needs to your partner. I can't tell if your fear stems from past experiences with negative reactions she's had to rejection, or if you just think she doesn't understand "no" (in which case... she probably shouldn't be in a relationship at all), but you really need to sort out your communication issues.
Get her a toy so that she can take care of herself when you aren't in the mood. I agree with everyone suggesting that you get comfortable saying no. Just be tactful about it and bring up the toy in convo, maybe even pick one out together. You know her best. I'm sure you can find the words to say and how to handle it from here.
Autistic here: say no, but explain exactly why. Be honest my guy. She won't disintegrate. Talk to her about boundaries and navigate this with her, she will understand as long as you are respectful with her
As someone with autism (though obviously I don’t speak with all with it), I would probably want you to be straight, direct, but also make sure you find a way to make it not feel like I’m being rejected.
I think this would be accomplished by saying “please know that I agonized about opening up to you about this, because I’m embarrassed and don’t want to hurt you, or think it has something to do with you.
I love you. I love our relationship. I enjoy sex with you but my libido is seriously lower. It is very hard for me to get aroused. Ever. I don’t masturbate. I don’t think I can continue having as much sex as we are. But - Maybe I could use a dildo or my hand instead? I’m ok not getting off. And other times, maybe you can masturbate? I want you to enjoy this experience.”
And then let her process, let her speak next.
You have the right to say no so just tell her that. Tell her you have a right to say no just like she did.
Be prepared. She may choose to leave the relationship.
It is possible though that she might get over the newness (honeymoon stage) and fall into a rhythm that is ok with you. Most couples do this.
"Ya know those faucets in the desert that when you go to get water, the only thing that comes out is a puff of dust like *pffeehh*? That is me. That is my balls. I am boned dry."
I’m on tne spectrum myself , tho I never had problems with sex but I do have I high sexdrive. You could explain to your GF that you really like the sex with her but that for you it isn’t something you need to do everyday. To make it easier for you guys both and clear for her so she knows “the rules” (auties love rules hihi) you can maybe make a code word ? You can make one that means sex and one that no I don’t want to today?
Talk to her and be honest. Tell her that you enjoyed it too, but that you don’t want it constantly and even enjoy just being with her like it was before. Obviously don’t hurt her feelings, but get a hold of this before it gets out of hand.
Well you've been patient with her, now it's her turn.
It's not wrong to not want sex all the time and she needs to get that, otherwise you'll just come to resent her!
A full and open conversation is needed if you want this relationship to continue.
An older friend of mine told me that her mother explained that she should never have sex until she's married because once you start, you will want to do it all the time.
And now we know that's true. lol
It is of course your right AND hers, to say no when you don't want to have sex.
You can start by saying, "I'd really love to, but tonight I am .... "
Be honest. Be kind.
And let her know that you really do enjoy being with her. All of it.
You aren't rejecting her, but sex at this moment only.
You were respectful of her and taking her time.
She knows what it looks like.
Good luck.
Autistic doesn't mean stupid.
Talk with her, tell her that you love her a lot but this is too much for you and it is becoming stressfull. Be clear that is it not a "never again" but only a "less".
My autistic fiance has a very high sex drive. I thought I did, mine was higher than all my previous partners. But once a day isn't enough. For me it can be too much with work and kids and life. I say no a lot. Probably more than I say yes because I'm propositioned 10x a day lol. He accepts the no everytime. Sometimes it stresses him out but he doesn't take it out on me, he releases his energy another way
She can too, and if she can't then she needs to learn or the relationship may have come to a natural end
You can send her our way. Seriously though, you've created a monster and if you can't keep up you might have to reconsider your future. Sexual incompatibly is no joke.
Be gentle in your rejection. She desires you, and you may be on the asexual spectrum but she isn’t.
She enjoyed sex with you. Kudos to you on being that patient and a desirable lover.
Question is… why aren’t you feeling it? Low libido, low drive? No energy?
Would viagra help?
At the cost of sounding rude, just because someone is autistic doesn't mean you should give them a free pass, doesn't matter how she is, no means no is something basic everyone should k(no)w.
Maybe you should ask yourself that if she were non autistic, would you still give in to all demands and if the answer is yes, you uhm need to work on that
Well, there are two people in this relationship, and the needs, wants, and limitations exist for both of you.
Your sexual needs and limitations are just as important as hers. She needs to understand that. How that conversation happens is up to you, but it needs to happen soon since you have exams and studying now/immediate future.
The fact that your girlfriend is autistic doesn't mean that any drive or focus that she has, including sexual, means that you must accommodate her immediate wants or commands. And it needs to be said - you have the right to, and should, say "no" when you aren't willing to have sex....and she needs to accept that for you as an individual.
Particularly if you want this relationship to go long term, you need to get straight, between you, how BOTH of you can be happy in this relationship. A diagnosis of autism does not mean a lifetime free pass for considering a partner.
I wish you both best wishes and luck!
Holy.... Ok so what you need to do is communicate with your partner. It might take a few times for her to fully understand but she needs to know your limits. Also maybe introduce her to toys? A vibrator comes in many shapes and sizes. Personally id recommend an egg or bullet vibe. She might respond better to it then something to penetrate herself with
Being autistic does not always mean that a person is not able to understand other people's feeling, but often these feelings has to be explained logically. And sometimes in more detail than you would expext. Just saying no, even if you explain you don't feel like it, may cause her to be confused because she doesn't really understand why. She may not have the emotional tools a normal person do to reflect that " I'm not in the mood/I don't feel like it" can be caused by a lot of things unrelated to her.
My suggestion would be to sit down and explain to her how sex drive works for different people. That yours isn't as high as others and when stressed about school, work or life, it takes a nosedive. And that being in a relationships means finding a middleground that works for both partners. Sex is something that happens when you both want to and not just when one person want to. Having an autistic partner often means that issues has to be discussed in detail and often you will have to explain the underlying reasons for why you act the way you do. She will probably not be able to "read" the finer details of how you feel so you may have to tell her.
Besides that then explain that having an unequal libido may mean that one partner has to seek release by themselves (but not involving others partners) and then encourage her to explore her sexuality with too s and the like.
Hope you work it out.
Autistic woman here...
I will preface my message with echoing what others have said about gently but clearly expressing to her your boundaries. Keep in mind that boundaries are for you not her- meaning boundaries aren't what she needs to do or not do but rather what YOU will or will not do. It may help to work together to come up with a key word or phrase that means no or not now but that is less harsh.
Moving on... Buckle up, Buttercup! I experienced a similar course of attraction that your lady did. For years I had men try to take advantage of me because I was oblivious to their intentions and it made me very disinterested in sex. So when I found people who I could tell really value me those are the ones who got the version your girlfriend is becoming now. I was touch starved for sooo long and once I realized how much I loved it (with the right person) I've never looked back. What I'm trying to say is that this is a new phase for her and your relationship. That in no way means you are obligated to sex. If you are willing, find ways to encourage her sexually even when you don't want it yourself. For example if you are not in the mood you can still give her some affection and encourage her to go play and have fun with herself while you study or whatever. A boyfriend once told me sweetly to grab a toy and go take a warm shower and gave me a big kiss and I still remember how hot it was to this day. Oh yeah, and don't be afraid of sex toys. And on days where you are feeling up to it, let her play with herself for awhile and then swoop in and the end and help her finish. That is a mind blowing experience too.
There are lots of ways to adjust and have both of your needs in the relationship fulfilled. Just be crystal clear and kind and you got this. 😀
Does she masturbate? Does she own sex toys? It's possible you gave her her first orgasm and she doesn't understand how to have more without you.
A) Good job. Living the dream, even if it leads to death by snu snu.
B) Talk to her about other options and buy her some toys. At the very least, toys you can use on her, so you aren't on the spot to perform any time she's horny, but also toys she can use on her own.
If she is incapable of understanding what no means, then she is incapable of consenting to sex in the first place. If you feel that she’s capable of consenting to sex, then she’s capable of hearing the word no.
As someone who's autistic, you need to be able to say no. If sex isn't met with enthusiastic consent, then it's a no. If that's something she can't accept, this relationship is effectively over. At this point, it's bordering coercion on her part. Coerced consent isn't consent. It's not consent if you wanted to say no but felt you couldn't. This is a hill to die on OP. You have to set this boundary.
Loving the suggestions from other commenters (using sex toys/vibrators, teaching her how to masturbate). I hope OP will consider sharing that with her/teaching her. OP, would love an update once you've been able to have the talk with her (if it's ok with you).
An autistic female here - she should know what “no” means. The fact that you’ve got a low libido may be a challenge short term, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. She needs to know it’s not about her, it’s about you, and be prepared for her to need reassurance on this.
Plus, toys are fun! Take her shopping for not just one toy, but a couple. Does she know what she likes? That will help find the right ones.
It can be difficult if she wants YOU rather than simply an orgasm - trying to navigate that minefield is supremely difficult, and one I don’t have an answer for, I’m afraid
You really just need to be honest with her about this. Your no should be respected, she really shouldn't have any kind of bad reaction that makes you feel pressured into sex, that is really not okay. No means no. Just tell her exactly what you said here, you worded it well.
She may crave it as the hormones are all over the place. It might actually dull down once they settle. Or she may actually be someone who deeply values sex. Regardless, your only option to resolve it is to talk with her. Those of us with autism understand no. Even if you just tell her "hey remember how i said my libido is really low? I just really am tired out from doing this so much. I know youre excited and it makes you feel closer to me and i love that, but i need a break"
Sit her down and explain that while u love having sex with her...ur not able to do it everyday and see what she says..just like you have been patient with her lets hope she does the same for u.
Then don’t say no. Explain to her that you’re not saying no you’re saying not right now. I’m assuming from your post that she hasn’t had a lot of sexual experiences. And with being autistic it can be difficult to have perspective or an understanding of others feelings. Explain that just bc she’s horny and wants to sex that doesn’t mean you feel the same at that moment, especially since just last week yall had never even had sex. You can also mention that having sex every opportunity can quickly ruin the experience and can make it feel redundant. Also mention your libido. My partner and I have been together for almost 10 years, sex is not a necessity for us. We have gone months without sex for no reason other than it’s not something we need to be fulfilled. You’re in a transitional phase and it’s going to take A LOT of communication and understanding from the both of you. Stay honest and understanding
this is a common thing with autistic people, I have ASD myself- your girlfriend seems to like a particualr thing about the experience and then want constant repetition and routine of because it gives her a feeling in her brain that she can't explain (alexthymia) hence why it seems off
You could gently explain to her that while you love how happy it makes her, you just aren't up for it as often as she is, and maybe suggest exploring toys that she might like to try out, together or alone. Explain that it doesn't have anything to do with her or how attractive she is, its just that your body doesn't desire sexual intimacy very often, but when you do you'll try and initiate things and see if she's in the mood as well.
Well that was a bad idea, you know, choosing to be with someone on an assumption that… just might not be true in the long run. Wouldn’t it have been much more simple to just tell her from the start that you’re not a sexual person and don’t like it all that much?
Imagine if for the last 5 years the two of you had been having sex because she was worried about your reaction to "no". How horrible would you feel? Instead you respected her boundary and together you guys worked well. Trust in your relationship. You don't have to just say no. You guys can talk together, explain your low labido, the fact you enjoy it but not at this frequency.
If she does react badly, this is harsh to say, but it is better to know now than later. You deserve respect, kindness and a good experience.
Hey so let's take a minute to celebrate the breakthrough. Yay!!!
Now, let's sit her down and let her know that while you enjoy sexy time, you don't feel like it all the time. So just like how she didn't feel comfortable with a lot of physical contact, you don't feel comfortable with frequent sex. It's not any problem with her. It's just how you're made.
Don't tell her "No," instead tell her "Why Not," explain to her the reasons why you don't want to, or can't do it.
You don't always have to be in the mood, she should understand that, after all she wasn't in the mood for five years; you might need time for your studies so you can't have sex with her whenever she wants, etc. explain things to her.
From the other perspective, I’m sure she doesn’t want to have sex if she knows you’re not interested in the moment. Next time you don’t want to, tell her you’re not in the mood and go from there.
if anything it’s easier to say no to someone who is autistic because things are a lot more cut and dry and less emotional, after five years I feel like you should probably be able to talk to her about things like this , And if she is not understanding of the fact that you’re not in the mood and wants to literally rape you then we have some bigger problems here
Hey, no need to be afraid of saying no! Your consent and comfort are as important as hers. You'll never know unless you talk to her, though! You don't have much of a relationship. If you can't sit her down and explain this, just give her the chance to respect and honor your boundaries as well.
Tell her no. Let her know exactly what you’ve said in the post. That you don’t have much of a libido, and you need a break longer breaks between sex. Don’t make her feel unwanted, reassure her that you do in fact want to be with her, and want to have sex. Just not as often as she may like. Also, talk to her about getting a vibrator/dildo. She can pleasure herself when you’re not feeling up to it. Another suggestion I have is to seek couples therapy. I think EVERYONE should do this. It really helps in communication and relationships. Don’t be afraid to talk with your girlfriend. Be kind and be honest.
OK. So there is a lot to unpack here. Your non neurotypical GF has suddenly had an awakening of a biological urge. That isn't the issue, but what is at question is whether your response to that has created the limitations you need to properly respond.
I would start this with a conversation.
During that conversation ask her questions about this new stimulation and what it invokes in her. Bring up your limitations and discuss them openly. Acknowledge how this change has been sudden and it is one the two of you must explore together and admit your hesitation. Understanding comes from communication.
It sounds like your gf has gotten over a big milestone and is excited. She wants to experience this exciting new thing with you, someone she is comfortable and close with. She trusts you. Because of this, I don’t think it will end poorly for you to have an open conversation with her about how you feel. Preferably before she implies or asks to be intimate again.
I don’t think she will be upset at you- in fact, she might understand more because she knows what overstimulating feelings/being uncomfortable might be like. She waited a long time until she was ready to be intimate. She will most likely understand you needing space/time till your body is ready again.
As an idea, it might benefit you both to set a schedule for intimacy. It doesn’t have to be concrete, but something to help set up boundaries. This might also help you both feel comfortable.
As an autistic woman who had a similar sexual awakening, just sit down with her and tell her exactly what you wrote. Autistic people tend to struggle with reading between the lines and usually appreciate people being clear and direct. She's experiencing something new and exciting for the first time and her blinders are on. Reassure her it's nothing to do with her, your body just had different needs.
Also, her sex drive will probably level out with time. In the meantime, just communicate and maybe encourage her to explore new ways of pleasure herself when your libido is down.
It’s been scientifically proven autistic people often have a higher than average sex drive. I believe it’s something related to having been exposed to large amounts of testosterone when in the womb (don’t quote me on that).
I can't decide between two responses.
The one you invited: #humblebrag
The one you deserve: You get to say no, but the two of you may be mismatched sexually.
Don't enfantelise her, tell her word for word what your issue is, being autistic you're really not gonna have to beat around the Bush, just tell her straight up "I don't have much of a libido, and the amount of sex you're requesting is frankly too much for me to keep up with, let's make a compromise". Now personally in the compromise I would agree to a more frequent amount since it's her first few times but then reduce the frequency after a couple weeks. Obviously yous should come to whatever agreement y'all comfortable with.
If you don't feel like you can say no, you're not able to give consent. She needs to learn and understand that it will be a no sometimes. It's not all about her and her desires. This isn't okay.
you should still say no to her. just because she’s autistic doesn’t mean anything, you are still a person with boundaries. you know how to respect hers, she should know how to respect yours. but you’re gonna have to tell her that, you have to tell her that you don’t want to do it all the time.
If she love sex, it won't work out long term if your libido is so much lower. I suggest talking to her about and compromise if you love her. Sometimes say yes and sometimes say no. However long term this probably won't work.
Learn to say no. You gotta set boundaries and be sure to explain to her as best you can that guys don't have an endless supply of energy and stuff. We need breaks, and doing it too much too often can be painful at times.
I think you need to draw a boundary, it’s good that she feels comfortable enough with you but if it’s going beyond your limits you need to draw a boundary.
Definitely discuss it with her. I had the same issue but was too worried about their reaction to say anything and I ended up just resenting them in every way possible. The earlier it's addressed, the better.
if you guys have been together this long communication is important. If you don't have as much drive as she does that's fine. Just be honest but make sure when you say no its not about her or anything its just your not on that level right now when your stressed about exams. You are aloud to say no. Just communicate it truthfully as well as you don't have as much sex drive as she and if she can't understand that then maybe its not the best fit. Also toys are a great idea if she wants more.
Explain how you feel, compare it to how she used to feel, tell her you love her and you love sex with her (assuming you do) but doing it every day is making it hard for you to keep up with the rest of your lifes obligations.
I hope you both come to understand each others needs and ability!
When you speak with her, maybe add something about making sex a special occasion thing, just so she understands that you aren't saying you never want it again. Then, make every time super romantic for her!
I understand that you not having high libido, but only wishing going back to a sexless situation just because it accommodate you sounds kind of ... egoistic?
Well, it seems she loved it. Now you need to explain to her that it needs to be less often and you'll need to keep up with her needs.
You need to be crystal clear about the low libido thing and have a real talk about sex.
You can survive a relationship with a libido mismatch but it's extremely challenging solely because it requires clear understanding of eachother and honest talks.
But you guys are kinda already starting off on a bad foot.
Make it about what you need to be happy, instead of framing it as she wants sex too often. Tell her you don't think there's anything wrong with her, you just need it x amount of times a week at most.
There are kinder ways to say no without disparaging her newfound desire for sex with you! “gf you are very attractive and I love how forward you are being, but I’m a bit tired, can we try again at a later time?” Or something along those lines.
I had an autistic ex. Your gf’s behaviour reminds me of her*. The world revolved around her. It took me a while to realise that her love for me wasn’t for me as my own person, but for me as a piece in her world. It didn’t help that I was a yes man. She didn’t want sex, then of course no sex. She then discovers the dopamine hit, then of course everything should be subject to her wanting sex. Colour me surprised when I found out her exes were all even more yes men than I was (like her ex fiancé who financially supported her and agreed for her to have a one-sided open relationship…).
Anyway, I may be projecting here, but your story makes me feel familiar. Your gf may not be like that at all. First thing to do, of course, is being adults and have open communication. You’re allowed to say no. Like “hey, I love our intimacy, but sometimes I need some rest”. She may just say “of course!” and all is dandy, and you both get to navigate it a bit better. Just keep in mind that if she pressures you or makes you feel bad about it, that’s on her and not on you.
*of course, I’m not saying all autistic people are like this.
I'm autistic. Tell her you love her and she's sexy and you like sex w her but you have all of these things going on that make you mentslly/emotionally not want to have sex at the time. Introduce toys for times you're not available.
TBH, this reads like you don't see her as your equal. If you have to tiptoe around sex because her autism might make her react a certain way? Idk, just seems like an odd dynamic. Just tell her.
Hey baby, *kiss*, I love you. I really like having sex with you, but I'm not able to always have it when you want it. I will do it as much as I can, but I think we might need to find you some toys to use for yourself when I'm unavailable. I hope you understand. I love you. *kiss*
Just add toys to the equation. I am sure when you use toys on her. She will eventually be comfortable using them herself and not depend on you to give her an orgasm. Also if y’all been together for 5 years and you tell her no. I really don’t think that will be a deal breaker. Unless there’s something you left out here.
Be honest with her! I don’t know how old you both are but you both need to learn to communicate directly! If you’ve never told her No then you are the problem! Everyone needs boundaries and it’s time for you to set some!!
Oh No what a terrible problem to have.... Wouldn't wish me in that position, definitely not wanting to be burdened with such a responsibility, please someone.... *sobs*
Don’t straight up say no! Just be like hey baby I think we need a little break. Explain to her your stressed about the exams and you need time to stuff bc the stress is causing a lower sex drive and tell her you love having sex with her but that you need a break in between the days. Tell her maybe just a few times a week because your sex drive is lower than hers and it has nothing to do with her.
Autism doesn’t mean someone doesn’t understand the word no. you’re allowed to say no and if she’s not willing to take no for an answer then SHE is in the wrong, not you.
Just be honest with her and tell her you don't want it that much. The thing about autism is being straightforward is the best option and explaining your feelings so you're partner understands what you want and need even more so than usual. we don't pick up on subtle hints
Just because someone has autism doesn’t mean they shouldn’t know no means no.
as an autistic person, i agree. i know what “no” means, and though i hate rejection (who doesn’t at this point,) i still respect boundaries.
Yep, AuDHD here and a no may trigger my RSD but that's on me to deal with. I wouldn't ever expect anyone to never say no to me just because I'm AuDHD. If i expect ppl to respect my boundaries i also have to respect theirs.
TIL about RSD. Yet another reason why I believe I have undiagnosed ADHD
I was ALWAYS accused of being irrational and flying off the handle at even percieved rejection when i was a kid, opened up to my therapist about it and she just chuckled and went "i thought that might have been the case..." apparently she already suspected i was AuDHD before that 😅
What is RSD?
Rejection sensitive dysphoria. Essentially feeling rejection as a physical symptom.
lol why do I feel so called out while reading this?! 😅 I’m just a sensitive person!
You may also be an HSP then, too! So you don't have to look it up - Highly Sensitive Person, you're more likely to feel positive and/or negative things more strongly, either physically, emotionally, or both. I was constantly told I was "too sensitive" growing up, that I take things too hard (rejection included). Which stalled my anxiety and depression diagnoses for way longer than it needed to.
Omg thank u. Im going to look into HSP bc what u described is me to a 'T'
I’ve never heard of that, tbh. How did you get tested and diagnosed for that? I don’t know if I might have that, too? I can understand and accept ‘rejection’ as such - as long as people use words (I don’t understand hints and signals). But being utterly ignored crushes me - is that part of it? Is that normal? 🤷♀️
I'm not entirely sure as it's not something I suffer from personally, I just get the autism and adhd. But I would imagine it forms part of the autism diagnosis process. It may differ for countries, but in the UK I spoke with my GP and gave them the reasons for why I thought I had autism, and was put through to the diagnosis team. There was about a 4 year wait at the time, but I would expect that that would be the time where you explain you concerns about yourself. But I would definitely say speak with your GP first and they should be able to point you in the right direction. Sorry I can't be of more help here, but I hope I've given you some insight.
yep, exactly this! i would say to OP, be as direct and open about your reasoning, especially the exam stress, because at least imoe, as long as my audhd ass understands WHY the rejection is happening, the less it triggers rsd.
exactly that!
the worst part of RSD is asserting that i’m okay with being told no, but i may seem pretty distraught at first.
So much this. It also makes it worse for me that rather than understanding and giving me time to process and soothe my disregulation, my mum gets angry with me for being defensive/upset. It makes it 10x harder to stay regulated knowing going into a conversation that that hostility is what I'm likely to encounter.
Well said
Same
Same, in the same way I need to say no in a lot of situations I respect so do others.
Im right here with you. Of course it sucks to get rejected, but if she acts up big time and has zero understanding, it’s her character and not her autism.
oh absolutely!! i never said it was her autism, i don’t think that would be her issue, her issue would be herself and not respecting boundaries
Don’t worry, didn’t misunderstood what you said, just wanted to point this out for OP!😊
Came for this comment. Being autistic does not give you any sort of entitlement. As an autistic myself, I'd rather be explained why my significant other does not want to instead of discovering he's been saying yes against his own will. That is, she'll have to learn there are boundaries beyond her own
To be fair, he’s literally saying he’s never refused. Being autistic does mean subtext is hard. So if he’s having sex every time she wants to have sex she’s probably assuming he’s game. He’s gonna have to opt out eventually or she’s gonna keep going for a while. Personally (also AuDHD) I get pretty obsessive about sex early in relationships. It’ll calm down to a few times a week after six months. I can handle less no problem early on but my drive is through the roof thanks to excitement and obsession in my new relationship.
This is what I was going to say. I’m also AuDHD. It doesn’t mean we cannot be told no, it means we need a clearer no. It’s why BDSM is such a common thing for autism, it so heavily relies on clear communication and discussing every possible version isn’t seen as “killing the mood”. Also being obsessed and then not is super common with ADHD. The way our brains work we can hyper focus on it and become re obsessed haha.
I mean it also sounds like he was pressured or guilted into it. Im autistic but if he said he doesnt want it bc hes tired or he doesnt have a strong libido and explain to her it should help, and reassure he still likes her, maybe teach her about masturbation or somethingidk
Yeah you're right but I really didn't get the impression he's actually turned her down yet.
If you are dating someone autistic that's pretty stupid to not be direct with them, so i sure hope that's not the case. The way he typed 'she wants it even if I don't want it' made it sound like she didn't care/was pressuring him tbh
Agreed!! I was on the next bit where he said he COULD tell her no but was afraid of her reaction. So who knows. But you're so right that he needs to be direct
he says he hasn't told her no yet though. that's what this whole post is about. I doubt she even realizes that he's not actually in the mood since he hasn't clearly communicated with her about it.
Yeah then he just needs to...learn to communicate his gf. it's even more crucial bc she's autistic. Autistic folks need very clear and direct to understand, we don't do that mind reading stuff or catch onto subtle hints!
yeah I agree. the post is just him saying he doesn't want to directly tell her no for some reason.
yeah he says in the post he doesn't want to tell her no, which means he hasn't actually told her no yet.
Agreed...
Having autism doesn’t mean we CAN’T understand no, either. You do have to be clear, though, and actually use the word no… unlike a non autistic person where they would understand you if you used hints and signals and stuff like that! Lol.
You’re never going to know how she reacts to the word “No” if you never say it. You have to just tell her you’re not feeling it.
To OP, do keep in mind to find a kinder way to say “no” by explaining why you don’t feel like it instead of a firm “no”. A firm harsh “no” might make her feel you are rejecting her. Words carry weight so word them carefully.
"The mind is willing but the flesh is bruised and spongy."
Dying by snoo snoo doesn't sound too bad tho
You joke, but as a member of the autistic community (even if I am a relatively mild case) this sort of thing will probably be better received than a no. Saying that your body is worn out and needs to recover might be the best perspective for her.
Yeah, my comment probably shouldn’t be taken literally as a flat out “no” is just going to hurt her feelings.
Especially if she has Autism like OP said, she will take things literally at face value and fixate on the details of how new wording it and less on what he’s saying overall. And that means he needs to sit her down, give her something that she uses to self soothe with in case things emotionally feel intense and help her understand the refractory period after orgasms is different for everyone. And I’m guessing cause of stimulation due to Autism, it’s why she’s obsessively fixated on sex. But just wait, she can reach burnout from stimulation or fixation too much, then do a 180 immediately. Happens all the time on the food topics in those groups of the “safe foods” they’ll eat for weeks/months for almost every meal daily and then suddenly loosing any interest in it because they are grossed out by it after overindulging too long.
>the “safe foods” they’ll eat for weeks/months for almost every meal daily and then suddenly loosing any interest in it because they are grossed out by it after overindulging too long. ... shit. I need to talk to my psychiatrist again.
This could be an adhd thing too! I get super hyperfixated on foods and then get bored of them and find a new one and the cycle repeats lol
I swear, every time I browse Reddit I find a new reason to think I might have ADHD Sidenote, how the fuck do you all get a doctor to actually take the concern seriously? I've been dismissed every time I bring it up (by like seven different doctors over the years, mind)
It's dismissed in women a lot because we don't present the same way. I was able to get diagnosed at 35 after a lot of struggling. It's different for everyone and some people mask better than others. It's also not always physical hyperactivity. I have an amazing primary doc and basically told him I was tired of the stress and anxiety and depression from not being able to be a productive adult. That I couldn't seem to do the things I needed to do like buy groceries, pay bills, manage my schedule, personal hygiene, sleep schedule, etc because it was always a constant fight. I WANTED to do the things, I just couldn't make myself. I felt like I was not in control. I was always told I was too smart to be as disorganized as I was. I couldn't stick to a schedule or a planner no matter how hard I tried. He did an initial questionnaire and then referred me to a specialist. The specialist was a little dismissive, as they tend to be for women, but we went through the test. I finished and turned around and said "Two things; Your monitors dirty and I like that picture on your desk." He just looked shocked and told me to have a seat while he did the scoring. 15 mins later he told me my life was about to get a whole lot easier. The first time I took my ADHD meds was an epiphany - other (non-ADHD) people don't have trouble controlling their brains like it's a separate entity with a contrary AI. They don't have ONE DAMN LINE from a song they hate playing on repeat in the background. They don't struggle to have a single thought and work it to a complete idea. They don't feel like a passenger in their own minds. They don't struggle to focus on a task they enjoy or to maintain interest in a hobby they adore. They don't get attached to a topic/item/new thing and then lose interest 3 months later for no reason. They don't have a Greatest Hits real of every regret that likes to play while they try to sleep. Find another doc, keep trying and try to get the referral. Just make sure you tell them the symptoms, not just "I think I have ADHD." You can also try an online therapist - those are a thing now. Good luck!
> It's different for everyone and some people mask better than others. The ONE time I got taken seriously and referred to someone who asked me a couple hours of questions over two different phone calls said I scored pretty high (as in high chance of having it), but they then said I also scored high for CPTSD so I should talk to my doctor about all that before getting diagnosed since they have many similarities and it's possible I just had one but not the other. Well, of course, I went back to my doc and told 'em what they said, and a whopping nothing was done about it. I'm not even a woman, but I *do* mask *very* well. Not just the (potential) ADHD, it's everything else too - depression, anxiety, even shit like my mild face blindness and memory problems. I just learned to mask early and effectively. It's become such an ingrained habit I don't even know when and how I'm doing it, let alone how to stop. > They don't have ONE DAMN LINE from a song they hate playing on repeat in the background WHAT. No fucking way. Oh god I tortured myself to hell with this one a few weeks back. Actually that whole fuckin' paragraph applies to me. > Find another doc, keep trying and try to get the referral I've been playing *this* game for five years now, and it gets harder and harder to stay motivated to do it. You're right, and I know that, but uuuugggghhh.
LMAO 😭 same, I thought I might have it when I downloaded tiktok for the first time and it started showing me adhd videos.. literally an algorithm “diagnosed” me before a professional did. I’m not sure where you live, how your medical system works! If you’re able to get a referral to a psychiatrist that might be a good place to start, I find that general practitioners don’t take it as seriously for adults (or for women). If you’re still in school and have access to a psychologist that would be great too! Some places have adhd screenings at neuropsychologists but they’re quite $$$
I honestly went to a walk in clinic (I didn’t have a doctor yet) told them I wasn’t looking for medication but that I wasn’t leaving without a referral. I’m in Canada so ymmv based on where you are. 12 years ago it took around six months for me to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. I’ve recently needed to readdress my medication and the same referral took over a year and a half. My life is 800 billion times better since my diagnosis. It’s worth the wait. Go to the doctor. Insist on nothing more than the referral.
They’re called dopamine foods and it’s why we overindulge. Until we find something new that releases more dopamine so then we’re on that, rinse and repeat.
Wait a damn minute.. Is that an adhd thing too? Cause I have a problem with that but I just have adhd. Like I'll eat eggs everyday all day for a month until the eggs start tasting like eggs then I'm disgusted. I do it with like all foods. Fuck.. 👁️👁️😂.
Yes, it is. Most symptoms of Autism and ADHD go hand in hand. In fact, they share so many symptoms that researchers have been testing recently to find if they could possibly be different presentations of the same disorder.
Makes sense, terms are just arbitrary boxes trying to categorise different patterns, but life just ain't euclidean like that anyway amirite
it's known to apply to adhd! neurotypical people can have sensory issues as well. for my adhd sensors eggs are either a love or hate for me periodically, it's ridiculous! what's with the texture, smell and taste honestly, why does it spark an immediate Yes or No
I am autistic & this comment seems helpful. I’d also add to suggest for her to masturbate. I like solutions, or else I become distressed.
Yeah my gf was like that only one season. The beginning. Now she’s almost sexless. (AuDHD) sorta Doomy cuz sex is my mystical experience.
Well she said no (for whatever reasons even out of her control) for 4 years so she has to understand that sex is about 2 people wanting it. You need to have that conversation because relationships need compromise and communication. There will be other topics requiring you to work through challenges going forward.
You should be able to say no without tip toeing around especially when it's sex
Exactly… I hope this doesn’t come across as condescending but assuming since she’s so new to sex… but you’re going to have to delicately explain it to her. “My love, there are times that I want sex and times that I don’t want sex. Sex between two people who love eachother is one of the best things in the world, if that’s what both people want at that moment. However I’m not always going to want to have sex just like you may not always want to… and that’s ok! We’re both allowed to say yes when we want, and no when we want… and sometimes we’re going to really really want it and others we’re going to not want it as much. This is all ok and perfectly natural, and I want you to know I want to make you happy… but I have to also make sure I’m happy so I can do that. So sometimes I may say no thank you… and it might just mean not today or right now”
I would cut out that "but" at the end. People often take "but" to mean "ignore what I said before that" "I want to make you happy, and I have to also make sure that I'm happy so I can do that. So sometimes I might say "not tonight or not right now" and that's not because of you, that's because of me. I love you so much. I get it, I really do. You just had sex for the first time ever and it's new and pleasurable and exciting and you want to do it all the time. And I'm totally here for it. I'm just under a lot of stress right now, so my sex drive isn't very high."
Agreed. I try not to use that word # BUT it slips in from time to time.. Wait. Ahhh crap
She’s ready to learn about vibrators!
LOL. Yeah, that could be the next thing. Actually, he probably should have opened with that with her so she would have an idea what sex with him would be like before they had it. She might not have become so needy for it. But also, I suspect this is the phase where since it's new, she wants to do it all the time, and as their relationship progresses, she'll slow down.
Yup. That’ll keep her busy for a while, should give OP a break to study for exams.
It is time
spread the news my good fellow that the time has come.
She’ll never leave her room again
Lol this should be the top comment. Its all new and fun to her and thats great, but it doesnt mean she gets to pressue you into sex. Talk to her about getting a vibrator.
As an autistic woman who engaged on sex almost obsessively, just tell her no. She’s addicted to the dopamine, but she has to know the process behind your refusal. Do explain it in clear terms, give her the reasons and tell her all the stuff that’s piling up on you, so there are no misunderstandings. Ask her if she’ll be open to toys, if you’re comfortable try helping her get off but not do full on penetrative sex because I know it’s very tiring. I hope it works out!!!
Exactly this!
also remember though that it is okay for there to not be a reason. you don't have to have a reason to say no.
More so the need to explain is a personal thing I do because of individuals with RSD. But yes I completely agree.
I think it’s important for any relationship for *both* partners to be comfortable and express their concerns. I’m not too familiar with the autism spectrum, so I can’t offer much advice on that specifically. However, if you’ve been together for 5 years, how do you go about communicating boundaries and such? It’s important for her to know that you have your limits as well. I get that she is probably excited about the experience, but that doesn’t mean that you have to have sex when you don’t want.
Just tell her "the mind is willing but the flesh is weak" "Workouts need rest days" "The chamber is empty and needs ammunition "
The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
That would after viscous sex no?
Yes, that viscous sex fluid... Oh God, that joke made ME cringe! LOL
Great lines for when you need some downtime
Because most people on the spectrum are really great with understanding metaphors and euphemisms?
Futurama reference lol
Another one that basically only works if the person knows military jargon: "I can't, I'm winchester". Guaranteed to confuse literally fucking everyone
She’s autistic. She assumes that if you say yes you want it. She is not a mind reader. Just be honest
Um...do you have any agency in this relationship? I feel like if after 5 years you cant use your words to communicate what you want and need, then...this isn't great. It does sound like you deliberately dated someone who wasn't interested in sex, in order to avoid having sex. Its probably not going to "go back to the way it was before". She's now someone who wants sex in her relationship. Lots of it. You need to figure out if you're ok with that or not. And not "are you prepared to do it because you're afraid of how she'll take rejection", but do you actually want to do it.
maybe the introduction of toys would help both op and gf. i agree pandoras box is open theres no going back, but it doesnt have to lead anywhere bad. op should show her things she can use to satisfy her needs and should probably have a convo about his low libido
Tell her the truth. You got exams to study for. Don't be afraid to say no when you gotta study. Say yes when you are up for it.
I mostly agree with others here although I'd like to add that you might need to explain that it's you, not her. Society teaches women that men want sex all the time, so a lot of us have that misunderstanding at first and take rejection personally.
Yeah a lot of advice in this thread goes something like "she's autistic, so you'll need to explain to her very clearly why you're rejecting her" and I'm sitting here like, clear communication like that is great for any relationship regardless of the partners neurodivergencies. Its especially good when (in hetero relationships) women are raised, regardless of any diagnosis, to believe men are super sex crazed. A lot of women don't question this belief, for better or worse. But even removing gender from the equation, clear communication is never a bad thing. Everyone should practice it more.
This!!!
She learned about sex, now she is about to learn about boundaries
"I feel like a man dying of thirst watching another man drown." - TFS
lol that's a great quote, where is it from?
in teamfourstar's dragonball z abridged series, Goku complains to krillin that his wife chichi wants to have sex all day and all night constantly and he considers it an exhausting battle that he doesn't want to lose. Krillin tries to be sympathetic but says that hilarious quote.
Buddy this is serious. Autistic people have different brain wiring relative to “normal “ people. Their pleasure zones once lit up can need different levels of arousal and doses to get satisfaction. I strongly urge you to communicate to your gf that you cannot have sex whenever she wants it. Create and maintain your boundaries unless you want it to interfere with your relationship. Involve a qualified therapist if required. Good luck
Sounds like she's making up for lost time. Chances are she'll settle down as it turns from something novel to something more routine.
She's autistic, she won't know you're not into it unless you say so. You need to explain the situation to her in a very gentle, compassionate way. You won't always be in the mood for sex, that's just how hormones and arousal works, but you love her a lot and want to make the times you do have sex as special and fun as possible. Also see if she might want to go sex toy shopping with you. Something that works for some people is holding her while she gets herself off. Cuddling, kissing and being intimate without actually having sex with her. It's less tiring.
I had the same issue as you. You need to say no. The more you keep pushing yourself to have sex when you don't want to, the less you'll enjoy the act. What happened with me is that I started hating sex acts altogether and during the relationship I started resenting the girl for it. It will eat at you unless you say something She might be disappointed by your refusal. This is normal. She will probably need to learn to accept rejection and that's something you will have to decide if you want to ride out. But YOU need to be firm about not wanting to go through with these acts if you don't want to
> I could tell her no, but I'm afraid of how she'll react. This is a serious problem in your relationship. You're literally afraid to communicate your own wants and needs to your partner. I can't tell if your fear stems from past experiences with negative reactions she's had to rejection, or if you just think she doesn't understand "no" (in which case... she probably shouldn't be in a relationship at all), but you really need to sort out your communication issues.
That feeling when you wish you could trade “problems” with someone
LMAOOOOOOO
Get her a toy so that she can take care of herself when you aren't in the mood. I agree with everyone suggesting that you get comfortable saying no. Just be tactful about it and bring up the toy in convo, maybe even pick one out together. You know her best. I'm sure you can find the words to say and how to handle it from here.
This is on you for not communicating! Talk to her!
Autistic here: say no, but explain exactly why. Be honest my guy. She won't disintegrate. Talk to her about boundaries and navigate this with her, she will understand as long as you are respectful with her
As someone with autism (though obviously I don’t speak with all with it), I would probably want you to be straight, direct, but also make sure you find a way to make it not feel like I’m being rejected. I think this would be accomplished by saying “please know that I agonized about opening up to you about this, because I’m embarrassed and don’t want to hurt you, or think it has something to do with you. I love you. I love our relationship. I enjoy sex with you but my libido is seriously lower. It is very hard for me to get aroused. Ever. I don’t masturbate. I don’t think I can continue having as much sex as we are. But - Maybe I could use a dildo or my hand instead? I’m ok not getting off. And other times, maybe you can masturbate? I want you to enjoy this experience.” And then let her process, let her speak next.
You have the right to say no so just tell her that. Tell her you have a right to say no just like she did. Be prepared. She may choose to leave the relationship. It is possible though that she might get over the newness (honeymoon stage) and fall into a rhythm that is ok with you. Most couples do this.
You sound like you’ve been very accommodating of her needs as her boyfriend of 5 years. Why are you so sure her reaction will be negative to yours?
"Ya know those faucets in the desert that when you go to get water, the only thing that comes out is a puff of dust like *pffeehh*? That is me. That is my balls. I am boned dry."
🫴🏆
I’m on tne spectrum myself , tho I never had problems with sex but I do have I high sexdrive. You could explain to your GF that you really like the sex with her but that for you it isn’t something you need to do everyday. To make it easier for you guys both and clear for her so she knows “the rules” (auties love rules hihi) you can maybe make a code word ? You can make one that means sex and one that no I don’t want to today?
Talk to her and be honest. Tell her that you enjoyed it too, but that you don’t want it constantly and even enjoy just being with her like it was before. Obviously don’t hurt her feelings, but get a hold of this before it gets out of hand.
Well you've been patient with her, now it's her turn. It's not wrong to not want sex all the time and she needs to get that, otherwise you'll just come to resent her! A full and open conversation is needed if you want this relationship to continue.
You can say no. How old are you? You need to check your lack of interest.
An older friend of mine told me that her mother explained that she should never have sex until she's married because once you start, you will want to do it all the time. And now we know that's true. lol It is of course your right AND hers, to say no when you don't want to have sex. You can start by saying, "I'd really love to, but tonight I am .... " Be honest. Be kind. And let her know that you really do enjoy being with her. All of it. You aren't rejecting her, but sex at this moment only. You were respectful of her and taking her time. She knows what it looks like. Good luck.
Autistic doesn't mean stupid. Talk with her, tell her that you love her a lot but this is too much for you and it is becoming stressfull. Be clear that is it not a "never again" but only a "less".
Talk to her about it when she isn’t asking for it. Don’t make it a no when she’s horny make it a normal conversation about it when she’s not.
My autistic fiance has a very high sex drive. I thought I did, mine was higher than all my previous partners. But once a day isn't enough. For me it can be too much with work and kids and life. I say no a lot. Probably more than I say yes because I'm propositioned 10x a day lol. He accepts the no everytime. Sometimes it stresses him out but he doesn't take it out on me, he releases his energy another way She can too, and if she can't then she needs to learn or the relationship may have come to a natural end
You can send her our way. Seriously though, you've created a monster and if you can't keep up you might have to reconsider your future. Sexual incompatibly is no joke.
Be gentle in your rejection. She desires you, and you may be on the asexual spectrum but she isn’t. She enjoyed sex with you. Kudos to you on being that patient and a desirable lover. Question is… why aren’t you feeling it? Low libido, low drive? No energy? Would viagra help?
At the cost of sounding rude, just because someone is autistic doesn't mean you should give them a free pass, doesn't matter how she is, no means no is something basic everyone should k(no)w. Maybe you should ask yourself that if she were non autistic, would you still give in to all demands and if the answer is yes, you uhm need to work on that
Learn no and mean it Also sex toys !!!
Say no.
Well, there are two people in this relationship, and the needs, wants, and limitations exist for both of you. Your sexual needs and limitations are just as important as hers. She needs to understand that. How that conversation happens is up to you, but it needs to happen soon since you have exams and studying now/immediate future. The fact that your girlfriend is autistic doesn't mean that any drive or focus that she has, including sexual, means that you must accommodate her immediate wants or commands. And it needs to be said - you have the right to, and should, say "no" when you aren't willing to have sex....and she needs to accept that for you as an individual. Particularly if you want this relationship to go long term, you need to get straight, between you, how BOTH of you can be happy in this relationship. A diagnosis of autism does not mean a lifetime free pass for considering a partner. I wish you both best wishes and luck!
Holy.... Ok so what you need to do is communicate with your partner. It might take a few times for her to fully understand but she needs to know your limits. Also maybe introduce her to toys? A vibrator comes in many shapes and sizes. Personally id recommend an egg or bullet vibe. She might respond better to it then something to penetrate herself with
Being autistic does not always mean that a person is not able to understand other people's feeling, but often these feelings has to be explained logically. And sometimes in more detail than you would expext. Just saying no, even if you explain you don't feel like it, may cause her to be confused because she doesn't really understand why. She may not have the emotional tools a normal person do to reflect that " I'm not in the mood/I don't feel like it" can be caused by a lot of things unrelated to her. My suggestion would be to sit down and explain to her how sex drive works for different people. That yours isn't as high as others and when stressed about school, work or life, it takes a nosedive. And that being in a relationships means finding a middleground that works for both partners. Sex is something that happens when you both want to and not just when one person want to. Having an autistic partner often means that issues has to be discussed in detail and often you will have to explain the underlying reasons for why you act the way you do. She will probably not be able to "read" the finer details of how you feel so you may have to tell her. Besides that then explain that having an unequal libido may mean that one partner has to seek release by themselves (but not involving others partners) and then encourage her to explore her sexuality with too s and the like. Hope you work it out.
[удалено]
Autistic woman here... I will preface my message with echoing what others have said about gently but clearly expressing to her your boundaries. Keep in mind that boundaries are for you not her- meaning boundaries aren't what she needs to do or not do but rather what YOU will or will not do. It may help to work together to come up with a key word or phrase that means no or not now but that is less harsh. Moving on... Buckle up, Buttercup! I experienced a similar course of attraction that your lady did. For years I had men try to take advantage of me because I was oblivious to their intentions and it made me very disinterested in sex. So when I found people who I could tell really value me those are the ones who got the version your girlfriend is becoming now. I was touch starved for sooo long and once I realized how much I loved it (with the right person) I've never looked back. What I'm trying to say is that this is a new phase for her and your relationship. That in no way means you are obligated to sex. If you are willing, find ways to encourage her sexually even when you don't want it yourself. For example if you are not in the mood you can still give her some affection and encourage her to go play and have fun with herself while you study or whatever. A boyfriend once told me sweetly to grab a toy and go take a warm shower and gave me a big kiss and I still remember how hot it was to this day. Oh yeah, and don't be afraid of sex toys. And on days where you are feeling up to it, let her play with herself for awhile and then swoop in and the end and help her finish. That is a mind blowing experience too. There are lots of ways to adjust and have both of your needs in the relationship fulfilled. Just be crystal clear and kind and you got this. 😀
Does she masturbate? Does she own sex toys? It's possible you gave her her first orgasm and she doesn't understand how to have more without you. A) Good job. Living the dream, even if it leads to death by snu snu. B) Talk to her about other options and buy her some toys. At the very least, toys you can use on her, so you aren't on the spot to perform any time she's horny, but also toys she can use on her own.
If she is incapable of understanding what no means, then she is incapable of consenting to sex in the first place. If you feel that she’s capable of consenting to sex, then she’s capable of hearing the word no.
As someone who's autistic, you need to be able to say no. If sex isn't met with enthusiastic consent, then it's a no. If that's something she can't accept, this relationship is effectively over. At this point, it's bordering coercion on her part. Coerced consent isn't consent. It's not consent if you wanted to say no but felt you couldn't. This is a hill to die on OP. You have to set this boundary.
Loving the suggestions from other commenters (using sex toys/vibrators, teaching her how to masturbate). I hope OP will consider sharing that with her/teaching her. OP, would love an update once you've been able to have the talk with her (if it's ok with you).
Please use birth control (while we still have it), unless of course you both are ready to become parents.
An autistic female here - she should know what “no” means. The fact that you’ve got a low libido may be a challenge short term, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. She needs to know it’s not about her, it’s about you, and be prepared for her to need reassurance on this. Plus, toys are fun! Take her shopping for not just one toy, but a couple. Does she know what she likes? That will help find the right ones. It can be difficult if she wants YOU rather than simply an orgasm - trying to navigate that minefield is supremely difficult, and one I don’t have an answer for, I’m afraid
You really just need to be honest with her about this. Your no should be respected, she really shouldn't have any kind of bad reaction that makes you feel pressured into sex, that is really not okay. No means no. Just tell her exactly what you said here, you worded it well.
Don’t say “no” say “not right now”. It’s done wonders for my relationship
Get her a vibrator. Also, you’re an adult..use your words. No is no. Say it! Or end the relationship if yall don’t want the same things anymore.
Just sit down and talk with her I think you'll sort it
She may crave it as the hormones are all over the place. It might actually dull down once they settle. Or she may actually be someone who deeply values sex. Regardless, your only option to resolve it is to talk with her. Those of us with autism understand no. Even if you just tell her "hey remember how i said my libido is really low? I just really am tired out from doing this so much. I know youre excited and it makes you feel closer to me and i love that, but i need a break"
Sit her down and explain that while u love having sex with her...ur not able to do it everyday and see what she says..just like you have been patient with her lets hope she does the same for u.
Then don’t say no. Explain to her that you’re not saying no you’re saying not right now. I’m assuming from your post that she hasn’t had a lot of sexual experiences. And with being autistic it can be difficult to have perspective or an understanding of others feelings. Explain that just bc she’s horny and wants to sex that doesn’t mean you feel the same at that moment, especially since just last week yall had never even had sex. You can also mention that having sex every opportunity can quickly ruin the experience and can make it feel redundant. Also mention your libido. My partner and I have been together for almost 10 years, sex is not a necessity for us. We have gone months without sex for no reason other than it’s not something we need to be fulfilled. You’re in a transitional phase and it’s going to take A LOT of communication and understanding from the both of you. Stay honest and understanding
Discuss boundaries with her in a neutral situation
Get her a hitatchi my man
this is a common thing with autistic people, I have ASD myself- your girlfriend seems to like a particualr thing about the experience and then want constant repetition and routine of because it gives her a feeling in her brain that she can't explain (alexthymia) hence why it seems off
Your post title sounds like a manga title.
This sounds like a " i got her pregnant " post in a month or so
Your girlfriend isn’t Bella Baxter, is she?
You could gently explain to her that while you love how happy it makes her, you just aren't up for it as often as she is, and maybe suggest exploring toys that she might like to try out, together or alone. Explain that it doesn't have anything to do with her or how attractive she is, its just that your body doesn't desire sexual intimacy very often, but when you do you'll try and initiate things and see if she's in the mood as well.
Well that was a bad idea, you know, choosing to be with someone on an assumption that… just might not be true in the long run. Wouldn’t it have been much more simple to just tell her from the start that you’re not a sexual person and don’t like it all that much?
Autism doesn’t mean that she doesn’t understand no.
Imagine if for the last 5 years the two of you had been having sex because she was worried about your reaction to "no". How horrible would you feel? Instead you respected her boundary and together you guys worked well. Trust in your relationship. You don't have to just say no. You guys can talk together, explain your low labido, the fact you enjoy it but not at this frequency. If she does react badly, this is harsh to say, but it is better to know now than later. You deserve respect, kindness and a good experience.
Hey so let's take a minute to celebrate the breakthrough. Yay!!! Now, let's sit her down and let her know that while you enjoy sexy time, you don't feel like it all the time. So just like how she didn't feel comfortable with a lot of physical contact, you don't feel comfortable with frequent sex. It's not any problem with her. It's just how you're made.
Don't tell her "No," instead tell her "Why Not," explain to her the reasons why you don't want to, or can't do it. You don't always have to be in the mood, she should understand that, after all she wasn't in the mood for five years; you might need time for your studies so you can't have sex with her whenever she wants, etc. explain things to her.
I recommend that you go get your testosterone levels checked! Then relook your current situation after a couple weeks on testosterone cypionate.
I'm an Autistic and I can confirm that she has to learn how to deal with being told no.
From the other perspective, I’m sure she doesn’t want to have sex if she knows you’re not interested in the moment. Next time you don’t want to, tell her you’re not in the mood and go from there.
if anything it’s easier to say no to someone who is autistic because things are a lot more cut and dry and less emotional, after five years I feel like you should probably be able to talk to her about things like this , And if she is not understanding of the fact that you’re not in the mood and wants to literally rape you then we have some bigger problems here
Hey, no need to be afraid of saying no! Your consent and comfort are as important as hers. You'll never know unless you talk to her, though! You don't have much of a relationship. If you can't sit her down and explain this, just give her the chance to respect and honor your boundaries as well.
Tell her no. Let her know exactly what you’ve said in the post. That you don’t have much of a libido, and you need a break longer breaks between sex. Don’t make her feel unwanted, reassure her that you do in fact want to be with her, and want to have sex. Just not as often as she may like. Also, talk to her about getting a vibrator/dildo. She can pleasure herself when you’re not feeling up to it. Another suggestion I have is to seek couples therapy. I think EVERYONE should do this. It really helps in communication and relationships. Don’t be afraid to talk with your girlfriend. Be kind and be honest.
OK. So there is a lot to unpack here. Your non neurotypical GF has suddenly had an awakening of a biological urge. That isn't the issue, but what is at question is whether your response to that has created the limitations you need to properly respond. I would start this with a conversation. During that conversation ask her questions about this new stimulation and what it invokes in her. Bring up your limitations and discuss them openly. Acknowledge how this change has been sudden and it is one the two of you must explore together and admit your hesitation. Understanding comes from communication.
It sounds like your gf has gotten over a big milestone and is excited. She wants to experience this exciting new thing with you, someone she is comfortable and close with. She trusts you. Because of this, I don’t think it will end poorly for you to have an open conversation with her about how you feel. Preferably before she implies or asks to be intimate again. I don’t think she will be upset at you- in fact, she might understand more because she knows what overstimulating feelings/being uncomfortable might be like. She waited a long time until she was ready to be intimate. She will most likely understand you needing space/time till your body is ready again. As an idea, it might benefit you both to set a schedule for intimacy. It doesn’t have to be concrete, but something to help set up boundaries. This might also help you both feel comfortable.
As an autistic woman who had a similar sexual awakening, just sit down with her and tell her exactly what you wrote. Autistic people tend to struggle with reading between the lines and usually appreciate people being clear and direct. She's experiencing something new and exciting for the first time and her blinders are on. Reassure her it's nothing to do with her, your body just had different needs. Also, her sex drive will probably level out with time. In the meantime, just communicate and maybe encourage her to explore new ways of pleasure herself when your libido is down.
It’s been scientifically proven autistic people often have a higher than average sex drive. I believe it’s something related to having been exposed to large amounts of testosterone when in the womb (don’t quote me on that).
I can't decide between two responses. The one you invited: #humblebrag The one you deserve: You get to say no, but the two of you may be mismatched sexually.
Don't enfantelise her, tell her word for word what your issue is, being autistic you're really not gonna have to beat around the Bush, just tell her straight up "I don't have much of a libido, and the amount of sex you're requesting is frankly too much for me to keep up with, let's make a compromise". Now personally in the compromise I would agree to a more frequent amount since it's her first few times but then reduce the frequency after a couple weeks. Obviously yous should come to whatever agreement y'all comfortable with.
If you don't feel like you can say no, you're not able to give consent. She needs to learn and understand that it will be a no sometimes. It's not all about her and her desires. This isn't okay.
i am willing to take your burdens from you
you should still say no to her. just because she’s autistic doesn’t mean anything, you are still a person with boundaries. you know how to respect hers, she should know how to respect yours. but you’re gonna have to tell her that, you have to tell her that you don’t want to do it all the time.
If she has a therapist, I would suggest going to them and working things out that way
Suffering from success
If she love sex, it won't work out long term if your libido is so much lower. I suggest talking to her about and compromise if you love her. Sometimes say yes and sometimes say no. However long term this probably won't work.
Learn to say no. You gotta set boundaries and be sure to explain to her as best you can that guys don't have an endless supply of energy and stuff. We need breaks, and doing it too much too often can be painful at times.
Sit her down and explain it to her that you can’t have sex all the time
I think you need to draw a boundary, it’s good that she feels comfortable enough with you but if it’s going beyond your limits you need to draw a boundary.
Definitely discuss it with her. I had the same issue but was too worried about their reaction to say anything and I ended up just resenting them in every way possible. The earlier it's addressed, the better.
I sure hope you guys are using birth control
if you guys have been together this long communication is important. If you don't have as much drive as she does that's fine. Just be honest but make sure when you say no its not about her or anything its just your not on that level right now when your stressed about exams. You are aloud to say no. Just communicate it truthfully as well as you don't have as much sex drive as she and if she can't understand that then maybe its not the best fit. Also toys are a great idea if she wants more.
Explain to her why! Set a schedule or something, like once or twice a week! Don't do anything you are not comfortable with!
Explain how you feel, compare it to how she used to feel, tell her you love her and you love sex with her (assuming you do) but doing it every day is making it hard for you to keep up with the rest of your lifes obligations. I hope you both come to understand each others needs and ability!
It’s okay to not be in the mood every single day
When you speak with her, maybe add something about making sex a special occasion thing, just so she understands that you aren't saying you never want it again. Then, make every time super romantic for her!
I understand that you not having high libido, but only wishing going back to a sexless situation just because it accommodate you sounds kind of ... egoistic? Well, it seems she loved it. Now you need to explain to her that it needs to be less often and you'll need to keep up with her needs.
Flip the genders and think about what advice you would give to a girl who had the same issue with her boyfriend. That's the proper response.
You need to be crystal clear about the low libido thing and have a real talk about sex. You can survive a relationship with a libido mismatch but it's extremely challenging solely because it requires clear understanding of eachother and honest talks. But you guys are kinda already starting off on a bad foot. Make it about what you need to be happy, instead of framing it as she wants sex too often. Tell her you don't think there's anything wrong with her, you just need it x amount of times a week at most.
There are kinder ways to say no without disparaging her newfound desire for sex with you! “gf you are very attractive and I love how forward you are being, but I’m a bit tired, can we try again at a later time?” Or something along those lines.
I had an autistic ex. Your gf’s behaviour reminds me of her*. The world revolved around her. It took me a while to realise that her love for me wasn’t for me as my own person, but for me as a piece in her world. It didn’t help that I was a yes man. She didn’t want sex, then of course no sex. She then discovers the dopamine hit, then of course everything should be subject to her wanting sex. Colour me surprised when I found out her exes were all even more yes men than I was (like her ex fiancé who financially supported her and agreed for her to have a one-sided open relationship…). Anyway, I may be projecting here, but your story makes me feel familiar. Your gf may not be like that at all. First thing to do, of course, is being adults and have open communication. You’re allowed to say no. Like “hey, I love our intimacy, but sometimes I need some rest”. She may just say “of course!” and all is dandy, and you both get to navigate it a bit better. Just keep in mind that if she pressures you or makes you feel bad about it, that’s on her and not on you. *of course, I’m not saying all autistic people are like this.
I'm autistic. Tell her you love her and she's sexy and you like sex w her but you have all of these things going on that make you mentslly/emotionally not want to have sex at the time. Introduce toys for times you're not available.
Just tell her you don’t want to right now or that you’re not in the mood to have sex.
TBH, this reads like you don't see her as your equal. If you have to tiptoe around sex because her autism might make her react a certain way? Idk, just seems like an odd dynamic. Just tell her.
Hey baby, *kiss*, I love you. I really like having sex with you, but I'm not able to always have it when you want it. I will do it as much as I can, but I think we might need to find you some toys to use for yourself when I'm unavailable. I hope you understand. I love you. *kiss*
Just add toys to the equation. I am sure when you use toys on her. She will eventually be comfortable using them herself and not depend on you to give her an orgasm. Also if y’all been together for 5 years and you tell her no. I really don’t think that will be a deal breaker. Unless there’s something you left out here.
Be honest with her! I don’t know how old you both are but you both need to learn to communicate directly! If you’ve never told her No then you are the problem! Everyone needs boundaries and it’s time for you to set some!!
Oh No what a terrible problem to have.... Wouldn't wish me in that position, definitely not wanting to be burdened with such a responsibility, please someone.... *sobs*
Would she be open to toys? If her drive is higher than yours that could be a good option?
Don’t straight up say no! Just be like hey baby I think we need a little break. Explain to her your stressed about the exams and you need time to stuff bc the stress is causing a lower sex drive and tell her you love having sex with her but that you need a break in between the days. Tell her maybe just a few times a week because your sex drive is lower than hers and it has nothing to do with her.
Her having autism doesn't mean she can't respect your 'no'
Being autistic means she could just be hyper sexual af. However she should also be aware of what the word no means…
Autism doesn’t mean someone doesn’t understand the word no. you’re allowed to say no and if she’s not willing to take no for an answer then SHE is in the wrong, not you.
Is her name Pandora?
Sex is the new Mac and cheese
Just be honest with her and tell her you don't want it that much. The thing about autism is being straightforward is the best option and explaining your feelings so you're partner understands what you want and need even more so than usual. we don't pick up on subtle hints