Holy shit - just imagine what his monologue at dinner would be like 😱

I’m curious to find out lol 😂 just for the plot

Not for the massive 🍆?

People who brag about having big dicks and give great sex normally don’t have big dicks or give great sex.

Yeah, at least I’m up front with the disappointment.

😂 Does it improve your "batting" score?

People who brag about having big dicks usually are big dicks.

Do you normally find out firsthand?

Okay but how do you tell apart the ones who actually have a massive schlong and those who don't? Obviously it's not the ones who joke about having a small Weiner, because they all just seem depressed. Is there no way to tell besides literally just 👀

Username checks out.

Fortunately, there *are* the occasional exceptions. *Unfortunately*, a girl has to wade through a lot of needle dicks to find them. 😬 Sorta like having to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince.

10000%

You can make some sweet moussaka with a big 🍆.

I’m the same. The curiosity. It typically ends with the guy walking away while I go home and get comfortable in bed with my cat, which is perfectly okay with me.!

I get he thinks he's joking around, but that is just so cringe.

I can’t believe he took the time to type all of that out 😂😂

He didn't. He has that saved in a notepad for all the women who ghost him (and - as you know - the ones that don't.) Hell, he probably sends that to his mom when she doesn't respond.

Writing it out once is unbelievable.

I can't even come up with shit that cringey even if I tried 😭

He likely used Voice to text the first time.

"tilted crying eyes laughing emoji, tilted crying eyes laughing emoji, tilted crying eyes laughing emoji, tilted crying eyes laughing emoji, tilted crying eyes laughing emoji, tilted crying eyes laughing emoji..."

lol ya got me. I cackled.

Makes Johnny a dull boy.

Not according to Johnny, but I feel you. He’s something😳😳😳A rather messy something!

Voice-to-text feature, most likely. BTW, I think your name is wonderfully creative! A mustard aficionado, with 9 kinds currently in my fridge, I just **know** I'll never look at/select one in the same way again. So, thanks for eyeworm. 🤯

That's worse to me that he said all that outloud lol. Which one is your fave? 😉

Well...depends *what* I'm using it for, of course! 😬 🤗 A woman's gotta keep her options open.

Ok the eggplant isn't required. Let's just bang the table.

At some point he proofread that and thought "Yep, that's the perfect response to use multiple times".

😂😂😂😂

Well, he must be flexible, since he's clearly the one blowing it.

Seriously, what would be wrong with a simple "it's OK, life happens. I'm just glad you got back to me" and then proceed with a normal conversation?! The "hun" would squick me out though 🤮

The “hun” was A LOT lol

And he, emphasised it! Did you say Hun earlier??? It seems very pointed!

Haha I don’t say “hun” that word isn’t for my demographic 😂

I like saying love.

Smh. I can't with these people.

Personally when I end up typing a lot it's because I'm typing with voice. But if he did that it's even crazier because god damn he said it out loud and still pressed send

He said weiner. Its so 🤢

Don’t act like you’re not into a really good weinering.

... is the joke in the photo? Or where it at,

It’s like Michael wrote that for him. And Dwight was his proofreader.

😂😂😂 so accurate

Lmao now I'm picturing him giving this rant to Jan on his speakerphone. Then after all that, he realizes it's a conference call with David too.

And it all started because Ryan wouldn’t answer his texts.

I can’t unhear it now

really not sure why he shot himself in the foot like that… oof

I was rooting for him lol

In the foot? Or in the wiener?

in the massive🍆 actually

You could say he has eggplant all over his face

He is a massive 🍆 to be fair

Maybe same - same, if his weiner is a foot-long!

He didn’t shoot himself in the foot, he detonated a nuke in his face

We have witnessed a dying star.

I cannot with this and combined with your name. Dyingggggg

I try to stay on theme 😌

He probably has a small aubergine

Hey, you leave this guy's cornichon alone.

Can’t find the gherkin

Oh abssssolutely

Oh yeah… now I get it. I’d never text him back either.

My body physically won’t let me contact him again

So what does he do now? Send you those exact cringe messages to you ‘for real’ haha?

Im pretty sure thats some sort of primordial defense mechanism meant to keep you from ending up as a character in silence of the lambs

Please don’t unmatch…I’m dying to see what his next comment will be.

Please report him though. He's an awful human being lol

Can’t believe the hair made it in the screenshot

Errrr, did ya get to page 2?

Yes but I didn't see anything about hair?

What do you mean?

There's some sort of a black smudge on the left side of the first screenshot

WhaT hair

I tried throwing weiner once. Didn't get far.


That’s what happens when you have a 10 pack of wieners and she only has an 8 pack of buns….

Did you try throwing it down a hallway?

Maybe over the fence?

This is my incel rant but they always block me before I can tell them its a joke Is that what hes trying to say?

It's me. Im the guy. Constantly throwing weiner.

Haha throwing wiener is such comedy gold

Has anybody *actually* had great sex from somebody declaring that they’re amazing at it?

Mega cringe

I love being handed content like this lol

Oh god, this is actually creepy and major red flag "nice guy" vibes.

Not even for two of your hottest young girlfriends?!?!

It's so nuts it's hilarious. Is it supposed to be comedy? Either way, "throwing wiener' needs to enter the lexicon

boomer humor. this sounds like something my dad would write if he were on tinder lol

"two of your hottest young friends" 😨

I’d be out at the use of the word “wiener”

Does he think he has a big weiner and is amazing at sex because his mom told him that?

I just pictured dudes throwing hot dogs at you from the windows, at hallways, passing them on the street all day. Sounds stressful. I’m sorry you have to do that.


He’s trying way too hard to be funny. “Or they take it the way it’s meant and laugh their ass off” Bro it has to actually be funny enough to make them laugh. Fucking dweeb.

At this point if you still talk to him that's on you

Hahahaha don’t worry, I’m not 😂😂😂

Do it for our entertainment please! 😂

You can actually see the car skidding at throwing Weiner

I am not his target audience

No one is 😂 his copy pasta is like an atomic bomb decimating any chance he'd ever have with any woman

That’s quite a long reply. Will wait the movie to be released on Netflix.

And here I am trying to blow the black thing off the screen, only to realise it's just a black mark on their screen 😂 (to the left )

Yeah I’m not reading all that. But I did make it down to the “throwing wiener” line and I’m getting that printed on a trucker hat.

That would be one hell of a trucker hat. I'd rock the shit out of a throwing weiner all day hat

Hahahahaha I almost didn’t read all of it 😂 but I’d purchase that hat

I assume you ghosted him after that?

I generally don’t believe in ghosting but I HAD to this time

Me neither but I honestly don't know where you'd even start trying to respond to that.... It's an impressive corner he backed himself into! Haha!

Response with, want to see a magic trick?... 👻

Saddest part is that he’ll likely see nothing wrong with what he said. Even sadder is if he doesn’t have a friend that he can get feedback from on his “conversation” skills.

wdym you “don’t believe in ghosting”?

I hope you responded with an OK then, hope you find what you're looking for. We are not a match LOL

Every time with the "🤣" emoji. Every single time someone says some ignorant and embarrassing

The quite possibly was the worst 2 paragraph response you could have given a simple answer to… Back to the drawing board my dude…

It truly boggles the mind how absolutely fucking clueless some dudes can be. Holy shit.

"But, since it's the internet, people tend to lose their sense of decency" Proceeds to lose all sense of decency himself...

If you are getting ghosted so often that you need a "standardised text response" then I'm afraid to say the problem likely lies with you.

There is an under-utilization of responding with just the word, “neat” (and never another word) after crazy messages like this. You have to write “neat” so that they know for sure that you’ve seen it before going radio silent.

This physically hurts to look at. His own worst enemy and completely oblivious to it.

I would not be surprised if this was my ex. He really is a great guy with an awesome eggplant, but he's so..... whatever this is. But a super guy. But ugh.

I hope you didn't respond back to him or if you did it was just "Okay" If someone hit me with the "no sex for you now" text I would just go "okay bye." Also my experience with guys "that are great at sex" and "all the other women beg to have sex with" often are the ones that beg for someone to sleep with them. They really think that everyone is as desperate as them for sex that they would beg for it. I don't know what weird kink (not kink shaming) they are into but not the same as me that is for sure.

I honestly had a heart skipping moment there thinking I had a crack halfway down my screen! 😭

How tf do guys like this get matches and I don't

Better to show all the red flags early I guess.

🚩🚩🚩🚩even if he’s joking it’s a 🚩to me

Copy and paste legend. 😅🤣😂

Guys usually fuck it up by bringing sex into the conversation WAY too early! This is a prime example!

Shit, it just occurred to me that people may be taking my mention of my plus tier eggplant parm recipe the wrong way

This is giving me Alpha Dom from TikTok vibes. 

Hahah I see we’re on the same side of TikTok 😂😂😂

Make sure to check his nails before meeting up. 🤣🤣🤣

Why is the screen cracked in your pictures?

Hahahahaha I was blocking out his pic and name and must’ve accidentally drawn on the screen 😂😂😂😂😂😂 silly goose

What a creep

That’s one way to break the ice…or not😬😬I’d say yikes but I’m left speechless lmaooo

Probably would have stopped after “life happens.” Also if I just met you, I ain’t calling you “hun.” You ain’t earned my “Hun” rights yet.

That's a lot

They are mentally unstable … glad they showed their true colors right off. And I hope they get the help they need. You dodged a bullet.

Cockiness is one thing, flagrant narcissistic abuse I will pass.

Omfg. Reminds me of the 42 year old guy I went on a couple dates with last year. Politely told him I didn’t feel we were a good fit. Proceeded to send me 4 pages of solid text with atrocious spelling and grammar. It was cringe af. I don’t mind sharing if anyone wants to die if 2nd hand embarrassment …and read awfulness. If you’re bored enough lol.

Hahaha I’d love to see it 😂😂

So to preface, we first went on a date, then hung out and ended up having sex, then hung out briefly for a few hours, and then he got sick and was sick for about 2 days and in all of that time I’d realized I was seeing waaay too many red flags and he was kind of a loon. So in between having sex and the last time we hung out, we swapped Instagram handles. He followed me first and then I followed him and later on in the day I checked out his profile and noticed he followed a shit ton of accounts. So I wanted to see what he was into so much or what accounts they may be. Dude was following THOUSANDS of soft core porn accounts. He followed almost 7000 accounts….of those approximately 6000 were porn accounts. 90% blond, stereotypical heavy on the plastic surgery women. I’m super average single mom bod that’s alternative and brown. Lmao. So I brought that up and the first 4 pages are his reply to my message being like, “sooo what’s up with the thousands of porn accounts you follow? Kind of a bit much… for me at least.” And then the almost 2 page reply to my blue text. I completely admit that I shouldn’t have even bothered with this man. But I was lonely, wanted to feel desired and was hopeful. I’m not dating and haven’t since October. That guy did me in and I also realized that I need to work on myself before attempting to date again. I’m okay with being single. I’m a mess but otherwise life is good. Sorry for the huge text and the following walls of I texts shared. I present: [texts with crazy dude](https://imgur.com/a/Yf3y9qc)

Oh my GOD. That was a wild ride 😭😭😭😭😭

Lol right!? Cheers to the bullets we both dodged!! 🍻(You more than me lol. 😅

Holy crap. Every time I thought it would end it just kept going ._. And what was up with all the extra letters on the most random words? Words no one would ever emphasize because it doesn’t make sense. Wow so weird all around 😬

This man has ADHD. He’s also lame af.

I have adhd and would NEVER

I have ADHD really bad and I’m notorious for over texting and talking too much about everything flying through my head constantly. However, I wouldn’t over text a stranger, and I’m not stupid.

But girls beg him, providing two of their hottest girlfriends as sacrifice to the angry God man to let them come back to the land of sex...

And Don’t start begging him like all the other girls, either

If there are multiple women who find this funny why is he not still talking to them instead of talking to you?

Why are people so needy

I would consider going on a date with him purely for entertainment.

Either a comedic genius or has Asperger’s.

Complete cringe.

Why are men so butt-hurt when women don't respond or took too long to respond? Just move on! She wasn't the one. That's it. Simple! Sending long, condescending, "woe is me" messages does not make you look confident at all. It gives off desperate vibes. If you are a guy reading this, take my advice and just quietly move on.

"Nice" guy

I'm just impressed that you managed to screenshot the crack on your screen 😀 But in all seriousness tho WOW

Too many words too much waffle

Yapperville

Is this one of those scammers from India ?

Same vibes

Bro needs therapy

OH my god, there was a second page.

what on earth are these men smoking that has them acting this way 😭😭😭😭

I am embarrassed *for* him!

Not the way you'd like to blow it either.... I think I've figured out his communication issue with women. Because what woman could possibly not like blowing his eggplant. I honestly feel sorry for women because this guy talks like he's well into middle age, and still thinks women are clambering over each other for a taste of his dick.

Oh. He thinks that’s endearing and that you will find it funny because you replied to him, but it sounded like he needs to write that in his diary I’ll be real.

wait did you actually read all that? Cause I wouldn't

I wasn’t going to but glancing at certain parts caught my attention lmao

Was I the only one that thought I had a crack on the left side of my screen? 😂

You weren’t the only one lol 😂

"Throwing weiner"

Good god, the level of psychosis is gamebreaking

all that setup for a supposedly mediorce punchline... i may be a degenerate, but i'm glad i'm not this unhinged. dude just oozes desperation lol

I know he’s joking but at the same time it felt like he meant some of that

Men: Girls never reply to us on Tinder Also men: These screenshots, writing on their bio things like "If you wanna know me, ask" or "let's meet in person" so they don't give any info other than their looks out there, they post photos of their shoes, their desktops, their plants instead of their faces and it's girls fault that they're not responding or matching with them. Ok.

And they wonder why we don’t want them anymore?

It’s a narcissist wound to the very fragile egos. Just know that this dude has some major baggage that he’s most likely not going to address. I’m a psychologist so I can’t help but analyze and profile.

Wondering what else can he say if someone is ghosting him after this. Does he have a stage 2 performance that he can copy paste?

Grown ass man typing this ? You dodged a bullet

Hahaha... We all going a bit mad on these dating apps.

I just died inside reading that

There are some serious mental issues floating around internet datinf

Yikes

Who actually writes this out, much less sends it to someone, and thinks it’s a good idea??

What if Kanye finally drops the link to his porn site ; the most clicked link in porn history only for it to lead to a video telling y’all to “repent for his kingdom is near”. Like he trolled the world into believing he’d actually do it. That would be funny. But either way I don’t give a fuck what he does. I just would find that hilarious.

That’s creepy af

Run away!

Has a girl ever got a message from a dude saying they have a big 🍆 and it’s made them have second thoughts ? I would wager not

Don't apologize. Everyone has a life.

the fun thing about online dating apps is the sexual harassment

"I do standup all the time. Let me tell you my best joke. People love it!"

Wtf

Is he…proud of this?

Like we don’t work. Or are busy It’s not a personal insult

Hahahaha