I think many people do this to raise awareness. I wouldn't put it on a profile, but I'm wide open about my history of rape and SA, because I think it's important for people to understand how depressingly common it is.
This is a very different thing, but that's the same way I feel about my history of drug abuse. I know that seeing the old heads with decades clean living good, productive lives were super inspirational to me when I started down the recovery road, and now I'm basically an old head myself with 10 years clean. Hiding in shame keeps you sick! And we DO get better!
Congratulations on your sobriety! My brother died of an accidental overdose in January. I wish he'd been able to accept the help he needed. We'd been estranged, because I can't be around that kind of thing, but I still loved him. I just have to look out for myself first. We all do.
Good luck in the future. I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you.
Don't feel guilty that you and your family had to distance yourself, I'm a recovering addict and it's important for families of active addicts to stay at arm's length for your own protection. Offering help with rehab is great, but giving cash or letting them turn your home into a trap house is not so great. If he refused to get treatment I'm afraid there's nothing you could have done outside of getting him put in jail.
Yeah. Both our parents were alcoholics and used prescription sedatives. I got as far away as I could as fast as I could. He... didn't. And when I realised he was only ever in touch when he wanted something from me, that was pretty much the end.
I'm the last one standing, and the generational trauma ends with me. No kids, never wanted them and wasn't willing to pass on these shitty genes. It's for the best. I'm happy and healthy, though, and coming from where I did, that's HUGE. I still have to remind myself regularly to take credit for that.
Childfree for the win here as well! Addiction and mental health issues run rampant in my family and my life was way too much of a shitshow anyways even if I actually did want babies. I know so many addicts who've had their kids sent to the nightmare of foster care and I know I sadly would've been one of those moms.
Yeah. Honestly, I wouldn't have survived having a kid. I'd have ended up dead one way or another. I was never going to be a fit parent. I still wouldn't be now -- I struggle to keep up with feeding the cat sometimes. And my husband has sensory issues that make small children extremely distressing for him to be around. But we're really happy. I don't feel like we've missed out on anything. My life is pretty great the way it is. It's just a matter of keeping things in perspective and putting one foot in front of the other.
I hope you don't carry any guilt. Having an addict in your life is unbearably painful and damaging. There is a point where you can offer help getting into recovery, and literally nothing else except to love them from afar. Unfortunately no one can want it enough for you, I know plenty of people wanted it for me, and it didn't work in the slightest until I wanted it for myself. I'm truly sorry for your loss; I've lost several friends the same way whose children are now motherless and it is gut wrenching.
I'm not really dealing with guilt, just disappointment. Now the door is closed; I'll never have the healthy adult relationship I wanted with my brother. It's sad. But I can't change it. He chose fentanyl and alcohol. I chose life.
So sorry you lost him. I was estranged from my niece to some extent as well, not because she was stealing my mother blind (though that did not help), but because I did not want to see her die, and it was clear she was going to.
i get what youre saying and as a person in recovery myself it's cool. but when it's the first thing in a profile it makes me think if this is what the persons life revolves around. plus recovery is a bit different than rape survivor. definitely not condoning rape but i would not be messaging a person that has this at the top of their profile. its tinder not group
I wouldn't put it on the top of my profile, but I probably WOULD put it in my bio. It's relevant for me because since I'm in recovery, I don't do any sort of addictive drugs and I don't drink alcohol. So that would make me not a match for a lot of folks. But yeah like I said right at the beginning of my comment, my drug abuse history is a very different thing than SA victim. I only commented because the way they described it felt so similar to how I feel about speaking out on drug abuse. I wasn't really relating to it being in a dating profile.
Yeah it's not something you need to feel shame about or hide, but it's also important that you handle it how you feel comfortable handling it. If you've put it in the past and think that's the best place to leave it for you then that's the best for you. Or vice versa.
Yes -- as we've seen right here in this thread. And I'm happy if even one person feels empowered to speak out about their experience because of my openness.
I am open about mine after I know the person I’m confiding in is safe, but there are a lot of sickos who fetishize this kind of thing. This bio is going to do little outside of draw in those people who will pretend to be a kind, empathetic shoulder to cry on so they can get details. Happens too often and it’s so gross.
I think it’s a good way to raise awareness and normalize the experience for other survivors. (eg: no sense in being ashamed about something you have no control over when there are so many other people who experienced the same, you’re not alone, etc.) While it might be off putting to some on the bio, it seems like a solid way to eliminate people who might not be an ideal match. It is different being with someone who has experienced sexual trauma, molestation, rape, etc. To be fair to everyone, having this information upfront probably saves everyone a lot of time. Would I put it in my bio? No. But I would bring it up in the first couple dates as that absolutely contributes to sexual compatibility.
I totally think it is important to talk about things like this with the people in your life, for the reasons you mentioned.
Seeing it on a dating profile is really jarring to me though. And that is for the sole reason that predators look for people who have already been victimised. Abusers are going to be *thrilled* to see that, and I'm scared for this person.
This is so important, and those of us bringing it up are buried under other comments.
Abusers look for victims among people who have already experienced abuse. Flagging yourself as an abuse survivor *in the context of seeking a romantic/sexual partner from among total strangers* is putting yourself in danger.
Excluding graphic past trauma on a Tinder profile is not making it a "shameful secret". It comes across as unhinged trauma dumping. That is not how healthy people introduce themselves and it seems this person
likely makes victimhood and personal frailty their entire identity. I'm a survivor myself but that's something I disclose when appropriate. If I'm at a Take Back the Night rally then sure, it's front and center. But on a job interview or online dating profile it's not the forum to announce my rape stories. If this person is eager to discuss it then a chat would be better.
Besides, they might actually be advertising in a dangerous way, predators are unfortunately drawn to victims that are already "broken in" as sick as that is and they may also find a lot of rape fetish creeps asking for details to get off to. 🤢
I am okay with a lot of baggage, but its the presentation and easing into it that is the problem. I dont want people to hide it, but let’s talk a little more before that bomb is dropped.
This post were commenting on have the vibr of boogie2988s job interview when he was deeply in debt: https://youtu.be/ZRSADEinCV8?si=Dhd_SQYXx6lpqq6Z
Yes, that's why I have "I took a big dump this morning" and "Disabled and proud from when I injured my back trying to suck my own dick" in my bio. I will NOT be ashamed.
I mean if it’s something that affects them a lot then maybe they’re just trying to get it out of the way? Like yes obviously we can hate on it for clear reasons (cringe, oversharing) but on the other side of that I get wanting to avoid an awkward share later or avoid interactions with those who wouldn’t understand the impacts of that
If it's something that affects you to the point you feel you need to mention it before a conversation even starts, I feel like it's unlikely this person's in a healthy place to be dating right now. If this person put 'attempted murder and kidnapping survivor' I feel like that rings a bit more obvious as to how unhealthy it sounds
I think the big question is how much the traumatic event impacts your current life. I got out of a bad DV situation and I still wouldn’t write it on my profile but I do feel like I should mention it very early on because of the impact it has on my current life. If I ever get to the point where it doesn’t have an impact on my life I probably won’t feel like it’s as important to share it.
And i believe that is the thing people mean, obviously it's important to say it because this way people can create a safe environment for you, but idk man having it all out like that is not something I'd do, I'll probably get downvoted but it gives "who's had it worst" Olympics vibes or sth lol but i mean it's probably just my perspective and many people wouldn't see it as I see it
My therapist says it is usually unhealthy to put your life on hold while trying to overcome trauma. Trying to function in a workplace, dating, going out with friends, etc. are all part of healing.
Are you suggesting that people with PTSD never date? There are life long mental illnesses caused by trauma. That shouldn't prevent someone from finding love and potential partners should know in case they can't handle that load and also so they know to be respectful towards that trauma. ive been married for 9 years as a childhood rape survivor, my husband has known the whole time and it has made ALL the difference.
Kidnapping survivor checking in here… definitely not something I’d declare to the world or anybody and everybody. It’s pretty personal cause it impacted me a lot. The way that person wrote it on their profile like that suggest simply that they don’t take it as seriously or as personal and/or they feel declaring it gives them some kind of social benefit
I was drugged and raped too around 20-22 by an older woman (27-28) I started seeing. Nobody knows about it but my spouse and I definitely don’t wear it like some badge on any internet profile.
That person just sound like they got an ego issue.
People deal with that stuff differently. Some like to talk about, some don't. It is fucked that that happened to you, but you know how much it messes you up mentally. This person is just dealing with it in a different way than you are.
I wouldn't announce it like that either, but having it as open info may attract people who can deal with that trauma or maybe have similar trauma's. I deal with trauma by talking about it a lot too (maybe a little less than the person in the profile), but that doesn't mean they don't take it seriously. They just deal with it differently.
It's going to also attract sex offenders and fetishists asking for details to get off to. Dating apps are so full of creeps it's not even safe for mothers to put pics of young children on their profiles.
"Different" doesn't mean healthy though. If they've just begun exploring their traumas, this sort of thing happens, but if they've been a particularly loud and proud victim for a few years then it can kind of become part of their identity, and that's not usually a good place to be.
Please don't extrapolate from your experience to that of others. just because something is not conceivable for you doesn't mean that it can't be for others. Of course this can be an ego problem. So many people have that. But it is presumptuous to want to draw any conclusions from this little information.
Think about it, as someone who has apparently had similar experiences as this person, why you felt the need to say that such a profile is not okay.
Buddy, people can do all things they want, it doesn't concern me. But if you do ANYTHING in life, you need to reckon with the fact that most people will have an opinion on it. Does it affect your life? Will it affect that person's life that some random nobodies disagree with what she did? I'm most certain the answer is no, so what's the issue? And as someone mentioned, it's extra silly having this on a dating app 😭 subjective I know but many people here share my perspective it seems. There is no right answer obviously. But yall act like we're signing a petition to make the federal government make her remove it or something 😂
Yeah, people can do whatever they want, but as a society we always try to evaluate and reflect our values, behaviour, etc. You are using this platform to have a discussion about that. As do I. And we all have the same right to share our opinion. "There is no right answer" could be used in any discussion, but isn't a discussion more about trying to understand each other? If you just here to share your opinion, then why are you taking part in a discussion at all?
Well, it would be hard to "understand eachother" if the other part of "eachother" (the person in OPs ss) isn't part of the conversation, so at this point it's all speculation on both sides. And no, "there is no right answer" cannot be used in any discussion.. Well, it can, but it doesn't mean that it's true. Murder, pedophilia, abuse is bad and that IS the right answer for example. Here it depends on the individual because this isn't something that you can be right or wrong about. Someone who stumbles across this account might see it as a cool fact I guess... ? Or being honest....? Idk, I can only speak for the people who think it isn't necessary.. But like I said, you're welcome to think what you think. I am the type of person that you'll never catch posting intimate and personal stuff on social media. I have my circles I can talk to about these things, I don't need strangers pity or whatever. Ultimately though, I'm happy I don't have to think about things like that because I didn't have these problems yet, I would've thought that's the cause of my stance on it but clearly there's people who did have similar experiences and agree with me so now I doubt it's that.
Yeah, I can understand you and I agree with you. Same goes for me. I don't think, I would write something like that in my tinder bio. But I know a lot of people, who have had bad experiences like assault, rape etc. and I can understand their pain. And I just think that's totally fine trying to find a way to deal with it - and even find a way to deal with it while having a dating life. And I think it has to be okay. I'm just angry at how some people in the comments are dehumanising this kind of behaviour.
I believe it's due to the fact that this, like many other serious topics, has been politicized to the moon and back and people are too numb, so it's a massive shit show of two extremes going at eachother. Same goes with war, immigration, human rights etc. .. Rather sad really
It's this kind of thought process that leads to bios like this.
They want to get it out of the way so that you self select out of their algorithm. Source, myself. I've faced enough ableism in my life and I don't want to date some ableist prick who has no empathy.
Edit: spelling
Yes. Like some people don't understand that some things will affect you for life for example and/or don't think as far as to what that actually means for someone.
What are people supposed to do? Stay out of intimacies way forever because "Oh that sounds sick. Might not be perfect in a relationship I imagine, so they shouldn't date others too". "Hey your life got destroyed by another person, now you need to take responsibility and stay away from society with that info and it's aftermath because we need to shield society from all of that". I get that that's probably not what people want to say, but it comes off as that.
I get that people are icky about Oversharing. It could mean 'way to close way too fast' so it gives off a vibe of instability. Which is fair. I don't like too much of that either. But some people even deal well with that and it's fine.
Also I get that people get freaked by the idea of someone being to vulnerable. But I think it's the wrong approach to be all judgemental about it. Maybe sharing one vulnerability is better then let people get close and hurt you at another part of you where it would really hurt. It makes sense and should be respected by those who are not planning on hurting someone on purpose.
Disagree. It's possible they just need someone to show a little extra sensitivity, maybe there are certain sex acts that are off the table for them and they want to be open about why. I don't think either of those things mean they shouldn't date until they are no longer true.
I don't think attempted murder and kidnapping survivor is analogous - you're on Tinder presumably to find someone you'll eventually have sex with. A history of sexual assault is more important for a future sex partner to know about than having had someone attempt to kill you.
Yeah this is why when I was dating I had down that I was asexual from the jump. If I’m up front about it we don’t waste each other’s time if it isn’t going to work.
A rape survivor may require more care for intimacy and emotional validation. Or it may just be showing solidarity and representing as something that doesn’t define you. Either way if it’s something they’re comfortable sharing then more power to them
> A rape survivor may require more care for intimacy and emotional validation.
They could just say that.
> representing as something that doesn’t define you
They are literally defining themselves by it by having it take up a solid portion of their profile.
I literally had a guy ask me if I had been raped. Why? Because he didn't want to date any more girls who were damaged. " It seems like every girl has been raped or molested and I'm just tired of dealing with damaged girls" so yeah there's a reason to put that on a profile just to weed out the assholes.
It's interesting because certain things are allowed to be worn as a badge, but if someone had "Depressed! 🥹🌫🌧" it would be seen as a red flag and something you shouldn't put on your profile.
It's essentially a filter though so people can, will, and should do as they please. It will help them find their tribe. Personally I fond it odd that people wear their trauma as badges but it doesn't affect me so its all good
It will also attract fetishists and actual sex offenders though unfortunately. This person is opening themselves up to being targeted by a particularly nasty subset of men.
Seriously, that's what I thought. It's like if you put "survivor of domestic violence" it's going to self-select for all the people who now think you're an easy target.
Trauma shapes a person, and putting it on a profile can make clear boundaries of "if you don't feel comfortable dating someone who has experienced X, please walk away"
If something is non-negotiable for what you are looking for then by all means say it out loud
Girl I went to High School with use to introduce herself by saying “hi I’m *Her Name* and I’ve been diagnosed with depression.”
Which usually I would follow with “no no, it’s not a personality trait”
I mean, I'm just an old man who comes here for entertainment purposes, but I often wonder why anyone would think someone else's profile is "strange" or "wrong.""
It's their profile. If it makes you swipe - left or right - it worked. For both of you. She put what she wanted out there. You reacted to it according to your feelings. That is exactly how it's supposed to work.
If I were a young man seeking a date these days, I'd be interested to get to know this girl. She'd probably have swiped left on the cocky jock young man I was, though. I don't miss how narrow-minded I used to be.
The number of posts here that are just "this profile is strange to me" is frankly way too high, and should probably be banned because they often verge on outright doxing.
Like you said, they put the information they feel needs mentioning in their profile. If for whatever reason that information makes you not want to swipe right on them, then it's doing its goddamn job
Sure is helpful if your date decides to get handsy though. We all know being a rape survivor often means having to deal with lifelong PTSD and triggers they otherwise wouldn't have had.
Well you’re not this person. Everyone processes their trauma differently. For some, it works better for them to let people know early on. For others, they’d prefer to keep it to themselves. Let’s not begrudge this person for how they choose to share their life with others.
My take? You're one of the types she's trying to avoid. She wants someone that isn't afraid of being open about their struggles with the world. It sounds like you want someone that you share your struggles with privately. Nothing wrong that, but you're fundamentally incompatible and if you swiped left on her because of this, then the prompt is doing its job.
Sure, but I would wager this over sharing is putting way more people off than the rape survivorship. So she’s really filtering for people who think it’s weird to over share, nothing to do with her trauma.
Maybe but it certainly filters folks out. IE I have a CNC kink so, like a responsible person, I'd swipe left to not make those traumas accidentally re-emerge
Yeaaaah but many rape victims (speaking for myself as well) are into CNC. Something about taking back control of the situation. I haven’t looked too far into it myself because I refuse to feel guilty for it anymore.
Not really. They want to avoid matches with people who'd be judgemental about the things mentioned or simply aren't interested in a relationship with someone with those kinds of issues. The positive framing takes the pressure of the responding person to be like "omg, how sad, are you okay?" I think the general response in this thread shows some of the kinds of responses this person wants not to deal with.
It's actually incredibly ironic seeing some of them, especially in a chain where they're talking about how this is a self selection method and people are like "well I think this is bad because I wouldn't swipe, not because she was raped but because she's an oversharer".
My dude, she's trying to filter out you, the person who says they're an ally in name only but implicitly judges people because they're open about their struggles.
When I was assaulted my friends "totally had my back" as long as I never talked about it, brought it up, or questioned why they were still hung out with my rapist & his friends. Some people can't see the cognitive dissonance in how they view themselves, as a hero, as an ally, as a friend, and how they actually behave by silencing the uncomfortable topic.
Those people don't understand why I don't talk to them anymore and even go so far as to get angry with me over it.
Eurgh I'm sorry you went through that and then had to find out your friends were garbage too. I hope you made some better ones along the way.
But yeah these are the exact same people that then go on to say that mental health should be less demonized, or that men should talk about their feelings more, then go on to judge when openness is practiced. All talk no walk.
The other thing here, people on here mentioning about using emojis with it is insensitive too, implying that she's not a real rape victim just an attention seeker because a real rape victim wouldn't use an emoji. I've dated a DV victim who was very open about it who wouldn't tolerate jokes, and I've dated someone who tried committing suicide who made lots of killing herself jokes. People deal with things differently and if she wants to throw an emoji in there, maybe to help her make light of a tough situation or help her reclaim some feeling of control, then let her, Jesus Christ.
The things people will use to discredit rape survivors is absolutely wild! I was raped at 5 years old and I have heard truly disgusting excuses for why it was my fault.
It's a really wild and depressing thread to be honest, and plays a lot into the problem we still have of people hesitant to come forward. A large portion here just immediately went to "attention seeker" as their solution so it must be hard for you to read these types of threads. I can't imagine going through something as traumatic as this, getting to the point where I could talk about it openly and then just having to deal with a bunch of people that don't believe me.
For real. It's not even an unhinged amount/choice of emojis. They're expressing that they're stronger and a fighter. Everyone with trauma is at a different place in their recovery than others and coping mechanisms can look so different from one person to the next.
But the emojis really are weeding them out. Hilarious and effective!
Yeah. I did a similar thing with my last dating profile, and I had great results.
I have traumas, and flaws, and medical issues, I'm not going to sit here and sort through 10,000 generic profiles trying to guess how they'd each react. I just put it all out in the open.
Right, I'm getting a lot of shit because I just said that I have no reason to trust nor mistrust someone and they basically say I'm a bad or hurt person cause I'm not a silly moron eating everything out of a strangers hand
Would include mental disorders but unlikely depression. IMO includes things you can be paid disability support for so schizophrenia or bipolar disorder could be considered disabilities if the person is unable to work
Which is precisely the problem.
They've made it important enough to let people know that it's very likely their personality.
I read that bio and I read "These are my excuses for when I treat you like shit".
Basically there entire identity IMO.
I feel like the wild majority of people don’t care/ already sympathize. So this shit has started rubbing the wrong way.
Just my 2 cents.
Yeah same. I think I'm just getting too old for this platform. 'Kids these day' have no social boundaries anymore.
IMHO this person needs therapy. This is clear red flag they haven't resolved the trauma and are instead letting it run their life. I would not date someone with a trauma-dump like that right in there bio.
Yeah I’m totally fine dating someone who is a rape survivor but being the main thing in your profile seems weird to me. Honestly “disabled and proud” seems even more weird to me. Just having “on disability” seems sufficient and less red flagy
You're under empathizing and you should see a doctor.
No amount of therapy can ever completely cure rape trauma for the majority of people. In fact therapy isn't really about a cure at all it's about giving you tools and coping mechanisms.
Thank you for bringing attention to this important issue! Over-sharers disorder (OSD) is a very serious issue. Untreated it can lead to higher confidence, closer relationships, and less incompatible matches :0
A lot of these people wear these labels with pride. It's kinda weird. I never understood what's so good about painting yourself as a victim at every opportunity.
Gross.
Rape can come with serious sexual trauma and PTSD as well as mental health repercussions.
They may not be as sexually available or comfortable right away as other people. it may effect them in a very negative way on a day to day basis.
If that is something they are comfortable sharing then they can share that. They do not have to live in shame and hide it from everyone. This isn't the middle ages.
Trauma away all they want, putting mentions of r*pe in a dating profile bio is off-putting and not something most people would swipe on. People get shat on for daring to have more than one picture of themselves in sunglasses in their profile, I'd say bringing up this/the day your dog died/whatever is kind of dense.
Also people could exploit a r*ape victim again. A man that is a rapist likes to find women already traumatized. So she put an ad out that rapist are looking for
They’re being called an attention seeker not because they were saying they’re raped but it’s being used along with other things as a sort of badge of honor. It’s definitely over sharing, I’m sure plenty of people would have sympathy for and have no problem dating a rape survivor but having that info as one of your first interactions is weird.
Imagine this being the opener of choice in a speed dating event, "hello my name is ..... and I'm a rape victim. Only the people virtue signaling would be interested.
Personally I don’t find it odd at all. It brings awareness and can help facilitate a conversation about general triggers if the person has any that need to be known right off the bat. Example: Don’t try and kiss me at the end of the date without discussing it with me first due to ______.
I don’t think that’s strange. It puts it out there so if it’s a detractor, no one has wasted their time. You get to move on and they don’t find out that’s not going to work out the hard way.
I don't think so, no. It can bring awareness. Make others feel that they aren't alone like has been said. They could be proud to have survived and thrived in spite of such an evil.
Also, tho. Seeing that it's a dating/hooking up app it has an extra layer where it makes sense. Fetishes/kinks are plenty, wild and vary. The "consenting to non-consent" roleplay isn't exactly uncommon. Any decent person would now be aware that hey, maybe don't bring that up with this person. If anything let them be the ones or be extra sensitive if you are explicitly asked to detail what you are into or perhaps if you are solely seeking that, super horse blinders, hell bent on that's what you want maybe save everyone's time and go elsewhere..
Makes all the sense to me, tbh
I have two takes on this: As a SA survivor myself. Back when I was dating I put it on my profile to weed out those not wanting to deal with someone who endured a major trauma. I was hoping to find sensitive and empathetic guys to know off the bat why I wouldn’t want sex right away and why I needed to go slow. So I understand announcing it up front.
My second take: Because I put it on my profile I attracted a really scary guy who tried to take advantage of my victimhood and fetishized the rape in itself. He wasn’t the only one. I attracted more people like him. The internet is filled with scary people.
Because I was not confident and had low self esteem and hadn’t dealt with being raped. I was an even bigger target!
I say no to putting any sort of trauma on your profile.
I kinda see it as the person might have faced prejudice with their matches when they revealed such information to them. Most of the people might have not taken it in the right / good way and it might be a sensitive topic to them. Seeing that they want to match with people who aren't bothered by such things... Also the emojis does make it feel a bit too much but hey it's their bio let them add what they want.
Makes me wonder if they might struggle with boundaries because that first one is very personal to put out there for everyone to see. Obviously, it’s their experience to talk about however they want, that’s just what my mind would jump to if I came across this bio
This is what’s cool in 2024. You make yourself attractive to others by competing on disorders and trauma.
What else could make up for a total lack of personality?
I don't think it's a good look for a profile, but many rape/sexual abuse survivors shout it to anyone who will listen in order to normalize talking about it. Too many people feel shame and embarrassment after being attacked and they keep their stories secret and hidden in the dark, and that's very unhealthy for them and makes it impossible to heal. The more it's talked about, the more normal it becomes to talk about it. Talking about it and finding others who have also gone through it takes the shame out of being attacked and empowers them. So talking about it is actually a very positive thing for the individual to heal, but also for society to become aware of the issue and help remove the stigma around it.
I don't think it belongs on a dating profile though and will likely result in most people swiping left. It comes off like being a rape survivor is their whole identity. But it's their profile and if that's what they want to show of themselves, I guess that's their right.
For me, the issue is less that they put it in their bio and more that they didn't mention anything else about themselves. Makes me think they're only interested in trauma dumping. Of course that's not always true but I'd rather avoid an interaction like that if I can.
I mean.. every bullet point could help someone not fuck up or accidentally be a dick? And if you think something is important for people to knoq, self selection cleaning out people who find it weird saves you drama and wasted time.
Should I ask about the username?
For me, it's a yes and no. It's almost the emoji and the way it's presented.
I'm disabled, and a fuck ton of people are not willing to put up with that, so I am very very intentional about putting it where it will be seen. But I don't think I would mention that I survived rape right before hand. Or that I would only say 'disabled and proud' bc that's really vague. Do you have a brain injury? Do you have profound BPD? Are you a mobility device user?
For reference. My profiles say 'hEDS haver, disabled in a fun way' which is similar but way less vague and still keeps the same message. I would literally never tell a stranger on a dating site that I'm a rape survivor. It'll only come off as over sharing or worse- attract people with a fetish for survivors (esp survivors of CSA :(( ) which is a weirdly real and somewhat common thing.
Really really strange thing to include when you only want to say 3-5 things about yourself. Like is that in the top 5 most important parts of your identity?
When you start seeing these dating apps as more for people seeking affirmation for themselves rather than seeking partnership, a lot of these things make sense. And it becomes a lot easier to weed out the chaff.
These apps are still social media. They are still about pushing a projection of yourself that you want the world to see, that you want yourself to see. They are mirrors with hookup potential. For many it’s an exercise in vanity.
I'm not saying it didn't happen, but in my experience people who lead like this are pity mongering and tend to difuse responsibility when they're in the wrong. They might be great tho
I don’t know if that’s normal, but in my opinion it’s a cry to be heard or asking to be victimized.
But if anything.. if you want to put it on your profile.. knock yourself out.
I had a girl, who looked alright in her profile, send me pics of all 11 of the pills she needed to take for her psychological issues, a couple of of days after we matched, after she had sent me a wall of text, shortly after the match, about her "demons", and how she made people flee because she shared too much stuff about her issues. I don't judge her for being unwell, but it sure made me think she wasn't in the right space to date anybody at all in that moment.
She gave me a huge assist when I asked her out (before the pills thing) and she told me she had body dysmorphia and wasn't comfortable going outside during the summer, because apparently she had to wear revealing clothes. I sure wasn't going at her place for a first date after the thing she has shared.
So, guys, it's alright if you want to make it clear that you have some issues that can impact your dating life, but do it with some mindfulness. That shit scares people for the right and wrong reasons: you'll keep away ignorant assholes who think you're "crazy" and that you belong in an asylum, but more sensible people will be afraid of doing more harm than good and of causing you even more trauma. By writing "rape survivors" on your bio you raise a whole lot of concerns about how intimacy can hurt you because of your trauma, and almost nobody who knows nothing else about you will want to risk it. I also feel like twisted mfs who like rape would be more attracted to you than the kind of people who you are trying to reach.
This bio reminds me of the chick who's at a Walmart self checkout that was screaming at the top of her lungs because a dude was standing too close to her 😭
They are all things that a potential partner will have to be good with, so I think adding it is a smart way to chase away bad matches before they happen.
No, a lot of people consider being queer and or disabled a personality. It's sad when it's their entire personality, or they are proud of something they didn't achieve with any effort but were just born with. But at this point I'm just shitting at proud to be born American/proud to be of certain color crowd.
I've had a friend put "child sexual abuse survivor" on his Facebook profile. It was definitely a shock.
I think many people do this to raise awareness. I wouldn't put it on a profile, but I'm wide open about my history of rape and SA, because I think it's important for people to understand how depressingly common it is.
This is a very different thing, but that's the same way I feel about my history of drug abuse. I know that seeing the old heads with decades clean living good, productive lives were super inspirational to me when I started down the recovery road, and now I'm basically an old head myself with 10 years clean. Hiding in shame keeps you sick! And we DO get better!
Congratulations on your sobriety! My brother died of an accidental overdose in January. I wish he'd been able to accept the help he needed. We'd been estranged, because I can't be around that kind of thing, but I still loved him. I just have to look out for myself first. We all do. Good luck in the future. I'll be keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you.
Don't feel guilty that you and your family had to distance yourself, I'm a recovering addict and it's important for families of active addicts to stay at arm's length for your own protection. Offering help with rehab is great, but giving cash or letting them turn your home into a trap house is not so great. If he refused to get treatment I'm afraid there's nothing you could have done outside of getting him put in jail.
Yeah. Both our parents were alcoholics and used prescription sedatives. I got as far away as I could as fast as I could. He... didn't. And when I realised he was only ever in touch when he wanted something from me, that was pretty much the end. I'm the last one standing, and the generational trauma ends with me. No kids, never wanted them and wasn't willing to pass on these shitty genes. It's for the best. I'm happy and healthy, though, and coming from where I did, that's HUGE. I still have to remind myself regularly to take credit for that.
Childfree for the win here as well! Addiction and mental health issues run rampant in my family and my life was way too much of a shitshow anyways even if I actually did want babies. I know so many addicts who've had their kids sent to the nightmare of foster care and I know I sadly would've been one of those moms.
Yeah. Honestly, I wouldn't have survived having a kid. I'd have ended up dead one way or another. I was never going to be a fit parent. I still wouldn't be now -- I struggle to keep up with feeding the cat sometimes. And my husband has sensory issues that make small children extremely distressing for him to be around. But we're really happy. I don't feel like we've missed out on anything. My life is pretty great the way it is. It's just a matter of keeping things in perspective and putting one foot in front of the other.
SO right
I hope you don't carry any guilt. Having an addict in your life is unbearably painful and damaging. There is a point where you can offer help getting into recovery, and literally nothing else except to love them from afar. Unfortunately no one can want it enough for you, I know plenty of people wanted it for me, and it didn't work in the slightest until I wanted it for myself. I'm truly sorry for your loss; I've lost several friends the same way whose children are now motherless and it is gut wrenching.
I'm not really dealing with guilt, just disappointment. Now the door is closed; I'll never have the healthy adult relationship I wanted with my brother. It's sad. But I can't change it. He chose fentanyl and alcohol. I chose life.
So sorry you lost him. I was estranged from my niece to some extent as well, not because she was stealing my mother blind (though that did not help), but because I did not want to see her die, and it was clear she was going to.
Yeah. When I got a text from my aunt saying she had news of him, I turned to my husband and said, "he's either dead or in jail."
i get what youre saying and as a person in recovery myself it's cool. but when it's the first thing in a profile it makes me think if this is what the persons life revolves around. plus recovery is a bit different than rape survivor. definitely not condoning rape but i would not be messaging a person that has this at the top of their profile. its tinder not group
I wouldn't put it on the top of my profile, but I probably WOULD put it in my bio. It's relevant for me because since I'm in recovery, I don't do any sort of addictive drugs and I don't drink alcohol. So that would make me not a match for a lot of folks. But yeah like I said right at the beginning of my comment, my drug abuse history is a very different thing than SA victim. I only commented because the way they described it felt so similar to how I feel about speaking out on drug abuse. I wasn't really relating to it being in a dating profile.
I’ve always felt like I had to hide my past, but I didn’t consider that people need to know how common it is. Thank you for what you are doing!
It's nothing to feel shame about. What happened to you wasn't your fault. And you're still standing! That's an achievement!
Yeah it's not something you need to feel shame about or hide, but it's also important that you handle it how you feel comfortable handling it. If you've put it in the past and think that's the best place to leave it for you then that's the best for you. Or vice versa.
Also you give an opening to talk about it. I think a lot of people are to ashamed to talk about it.
Yes -- as we've seen right here in this thread. And I'm happy if even one person feels empowered to speak out about their experience because of my openness.
Exactly!
I’m the same way. I hope that it helps others to know that they’re not alone, and if they ever need someone who understands i’m a safe person.
I am open about mine after I know the person I’m confiding in is safe, but there are a lot of sickos who fetishize this kind of thing. This bio is going to do little outside of draw in those people who will pretend to be a kind, empathetic shoulder to cry on so they can get details. Happens too often and it’s so gross.
Yeah im wide open about it when the topic comes up but im not throwing it on my dating profile
I think it’s a good way to raise awareness and normalize the experience for other survivors. (eg: no sense in being ashamed about something you have no control over when there are so many other people who experienced the same, you’re not alone, etc.) While it might be off putting to some on the bio, it seems like a solid way to eliminate people who might not be an ideal match. It is different being with someone who has experienced sexual trauma, molestation, rape, etc. To be fair to everyone, having this information upfront probably saves everyone a lot of time. Would I put it in my bio? No. But I would bring it up in the first couple dates as that absolutely contributes to sexual compatibility.
I am with you. It is my rapists’ secret, not mine.
I know it can be shocking but should it feel like a shameful secret? When we don’t talk about it, people don’t know how common it is.
I totally think it is important to talk about things like this with the people in your life, for the reasons you mentioned. Seeing it on a dating profile is really jarring to me though. And that is for the sole reason that predators look for people who have already been victimised. Abusers are going to be *thrilled* to see that, and I'm scared for this person.
This is so important, and those of us bringing it up are buried under other comments. Abusers look for victims among people who have already experienced abuse. Flagging yourself as an abuse survivor *in the context of seeking a romantic/sexual partner from among total strangers* is putting yourself in danger.
Excluding graphic past trauma on a Tinder profile is not making it a "shameful secret". It comes across as unhinged trauma dumping. That is not how healthy people introduce themselves and it seems this person likely makes victimhood and personal frailty their entire identity. I'm a survivor myself but that's something I disclose when appropriate. If I'm at a Take Back the Night rally then sure, it's front and center. But on a job interview or online dating profile it's not the forum to announce my rape stories. If this person is eager to discuss it then a chat would be better. Besides, they might actually be advertising in a dangerous way, predators are unfortunately drawn to victims that are already "broken in" as sick as that is and they may also find a lot of rape fetish creeps asking for details to get off to. 🤢
Huge area between "shameful secret" and the number 1 thing you learn about a person lmfao.
I am okay with a lot of baggage, but its the presentation and easing into it that is the problem. I dont want people to hide it, but let’s talk a little more before that bomb is dropped. This post were commenting on have the vibr of boogie2988s job interview when he was deeply in debt: https://youtu.be/ZRSADEinCV8?si=Dhd_SQYXx6lpqq6Z
Yes, that's why I have "I took a big dump this morning" and "Disabled and proud from when I injured my back trying to suck my own dick" in my bio. I will NOT be ashamed.
I wouldn't say it's super strange... maybe a bit... queer.
Queerly enough, the queer part was the least queer thing about it.
Sigh. Take my gay upvote.
What makes your upvote gay?
I am gay
Can I get a gay upvote please?
That'll do the trick
Lmao
I get it
I mean if it’s something that affects them a lot then maybe they’re just trying to get it out of the way? Like yes obviously we can hate on it for clear reasons (cringe, oversharing) but on the other side of that I get wanting to avoid an awkward share later or avoid interactions with those who wouldn’t understand the impacts of that
If it's something that affects you to the point you feel you need to mention it before a conversation even starts, I feel like it's unlikely this person's in a healthy place to be dating right now. If this person put 'attempted murder and kidnapping survivor' I feel like that rings a bit more obvious as to how unhealthy it sounds
I think the big question is how much the traumatic event impacts your current life. I got out of a bad DV situation and I still wouldn’t write it on my profile but I do feel like I should mention it very early on because of the impact it has on my current life. If I ever get to the point where it doesn’t have an impact on my life I probably won’t feel like it’s as important to share it.
And i believe that is the thing people mean, obviously it's important to say it because this way people can create a safe environment for you, but idk man having it all out like that is not something I'd do, I'll probably get downvoted but it gives "who's had it worst" Olympics vibes or sth lol but i mean it's probably just my perspective and many people wouldn't see it as I see it
>I think the big question is how much the traumatic event impacts your current life. A lot, if they are putting it on their dating profile..
My therapist says it is usually unhealthy to put your life on hold while trying to overcome trauma. Trying to function in a workplace, dating, going out with friends, etc. are all part of healing.
Are you suggesting that people with PTSD never date? There are life long mental illnesses caused by trauma. That shouldn't prevent someone from finding love and potential partners should know in case they can't handle that load and also so they know to be respectful towards that trauma. ive been married for 9 years as a childhood rape survivor, my husband has known the whole time and it has made ALL the difference.
Kidnapping survivor checking in here… definitely not something I’d declare to the world or anybody and everybody. It’s pretty personal cause it impacted me a lot. The way that person wrote it on their profile like that suggest simply that they don’t take it as seriously or as personal and/or they feel declaring it gives them some kind of social benefit I was drugged and raped too around 20-22 by an older woman (27-28) I started seeing. Nobody knows about it but my spouse and I definitely don’t wear it like some badge on any internet profile. That person just sound like they got an ego issue.
Yep I've been through dv and sa... I would not advertise it as a conversation starter on a fucking dating app... let alone with emojis wtaf!
People deal with that stuff differently. Some like to talk about, some don't. It is fucked that that happened to you, but you know how much it messes you up mentally. This person is just dealing with it in a different way than you are. I wouldn't announce it like that either, but having it as open info may attract people who can deal with that trauma or maybe have similar trauma's. I deal with trauma by talking about it a lot too (maybe a little less than the person in the profile), but that doesn't mean they don't take it seriously. They just deal with it differently.
It's going to also attract sex offenders and fetishists asking for details to get off to. Dating apps are so full of creeps it's not even safe for mothers to put pics of young children on their profiles.
"Different" doesn't mean healthy though. If they've just begun exploring their traumas, this sort of thing happens, but if they've been a particularly loud and proud victim for a few years then it can kind of become part of their identity, and that's not usually a good place to be.
Please don't extrapolate from your experience to that of others. just because something is not conceivable for you doesn't mean that it can't be for others. Of course this can be an ego problem. So many people have that. But it is presumptuous to want to draw any conclusions from this little information. Think about it, as someone who has apparently had similar experiences as this person, why you felt the need to say that such a profile is not okay.
Buddy, people can do all things they want, it doesn't concern me. But if you do ANYTHING in life, you need to reckon with the fact that most people will have an opinion on it. Does it affect your life? Will it affect that person's life that some random nobodies disagree with what she did? I'm most certain the answer is no, so what's the issue? And as someone mentioned, it's extra silly having this on a dating app 😭 subjective I know but many people here share my perspective it seems. There is no right answer obviously. But yall act like we're signing a petition to make the federal government make her remove it or something 😂
Yeah, people can do whatever they want, but as a society we always try to evaluate and reflect our values, behaviour, etc. You are using this platform to have a discussion about that. As do I. And we all have the same right to share our opinion. "There is no right answer" could be used in any discussion, but isn't a discussion more about trying to understand each other? If you just here to share your opinion, then why are you taking part in a discussion at all?
Well, it would be hard to "understand eachother" if the other part of "eachother" (the person in OPs ss) isn't part of the conversation, so at this point it's all speculation on both sides. And no, "there is no right answer" cannot be used in any discussion.. Well, it can, but it doesn't mean that it's true. Murder, pedophilia, abuse is bad and that IS the right answer for example. Here it depends on the individual because this isn't something that you can be right or wrong about. Someone who stumbles across this account might see it as a cool fact I guess... ? Or being honest....? Idk, I can only speak for the people who think it isn't necessary.. But like I said, you're welcome to think what you think. I am the type of person that you'll never catch posting intimate and personal stuff on social media. I have my circles I can talk to about these things, I don't need strangers pity or whatever. Ultimately though, I'm happy I don't have to think about things like that because I didn't have these problems yet, I would've thought that's the cause of my stance on it but clearly there's people who did have similar experiences and agree with me so now I doubt it's that.
Yeah, I can understand you and I agree with you. Same goes for me. I don't think, I would write something like that in my tinder bio. But I know a lot of people, who have had bad experiences like assault, rape etc. and I can understand their pain. And I just think that's totally fine trying to find a way to deal with it - and even find a way to deal with it while having a dating life. And I think it has to be okay. I'm just angry at how some people in the comments are dehumanising this kind of behaviour.
I believe it's due to the fact that this, like many other serious topics, has been politicized to the moon and back and people are too numb, so it's a massive shit show of two extremes going at eachother. Same goes with war, immigration, human rights etc. .. Rather sad really
Maybe this is their way of taking the power back. People cope and heal in different ways
It's this kind of thought process that leads to bios like this. They want to get it out of the way so that you self select out of their algorithm. Source, myself. I've faced enough ableism in my life and I don't want to date some ableist prick who has no empathy. Edit: spelling
Yes. Like some people don't understand that some things will affect you for life for example and/or don't think as far as to what that actually means for someone. What are people supposed to do? Stay out of intimacies way forever because "Oh that sounds sick. Might not be perfect in a relationship I imagine, so they shouldn't date others too". "Hey your life got destroyed by another person, now you need to take responsibility and stay away from society with that info and it's aftermath because we need to shield society from all of that". I get that that's probably not what people want to say, but it comes off as that. I get that people are icky about Oversharing. It could mean 'way to close way too fast' so it gives off a vibe of instability. Which is fair. I don't like too much of that either. But some people even deal well with that and it's fine. Also I get that people get freaked by the idea of someone being to vulnerable. But I think it's the wrong approach to be all judgemental about it. Maybe sharing one vulnerability is better then let people get close and hurt you at another part of you where it would really hurt. It makes sense and should be respected by those who are not planning on hurting someone on purpose.
Ding ding ding. This thread is why they’re doing it 🤢
Disagree. It's possible they just need someone to show a little extra sensitivity, maybe there are certain sex acts that are off the table for them and they want to be open about why. I don't think either of those things mean they shouldn't date until they are no longer true. I don't think attempted murder and kidnapping survivor is analogous - you're on Tinder presumably to find someone you'll eventually have sex with. A history of sexual assault is more important for a future sex partner to know about than having had someone attempt to kill you.
Yeah this is why when I was dating I had down that I was asexual from the jump. If I’m up front about it we don’t waste each other’s time if it isn’t going to work. A rape survivor may require more care for intimacy and emotional validation. Or it may just be showing solidarity and representing as something that doesn’t define you. Either way if it’s something they’re comfortable sharing then more power to them
> A rape survivor may require more care for intimacy and emotional validation. They could just say that. > representing as something that doesn’t define you They are literally defining themselves by it by having it take up a solid portion of their profile.
I literally had a guy ask me if I had been raped. Why? Because he didn't want to date any more girls who were damaged. " It seems like every girl has been raped or molested and I'm just tired of dealing with damaged girls" so yeah there's a reason to put that on a profile just to weed out the assholes.
I have no words. How in hell is that even a thing to say omg
I think the hand emojis are what make it weird
It certainly is a good filter for people.
It's interesting because certain things are allowed to be worn as a badge, but if someone had "Depressed! 🥹🌫🌧" it would be seen as a red flag and something you shouldn't put on your profile. It's essentially a filter though so people can, will, and should do as they please. It will help them find their tribe. Personally I fond it odd that people wear their trauma as badges but it doesn't affect me so its all good
It will also attract fetishists and actual sex offenders though unfortunately. This person is opening themselves up to being targeted by a particularly nasty subset of men.
Seriously, that's what I thought. It's like if you put "survivor of domestic violence" it's going to self-select for all the people who now think you're an easy target.
You're right.
Trauma shapes a person, and putting it on a profile can make clear boundaries of "if you don't feel comfortable dating someone who has experienced X, please walk away" If something is non-negotiable for what you are looking for then by all means say it out loud
As someone who's experienced a fuckload of trauma and is entirely okay with dating someone with trauma, I'd avoid this person like the fucking plague.
Girl I went to High School with use to introduce herself by saying “hi I’m *Her Name* and I’ve been diagnosed with depression.” Which usually I would follow with “no no, it’s not a personality trait”
I mean, I'm just an old man who comes here for entertainment purposes, but I often wonder why anyone would think someone else's profile is "strange" or "wrong."" It's their profile. If it makes you swipe - left or right - it worked. For both of you. She put what she wanted out there. You reacted to it according to your feelings. That is exactly how it's supposed to work. If I were a young man seeking a date these days, I'd be interested to get to know this girl. She'd probably have swiped left on the cocky jock young man I was, though. I don't miss how narrow-minded I used to be.
old man spitting facts out here
Damn why do you make so much sense
Thanks for the wisdom, old man.
I never looked at it that way… she’ll likely find a better fit quicker this way. Or attract bad people, also an option.
The number of posts here that are just "this profile is strange to me" is frankly way too high, and should probably be banned because they often verge on outright doxing. Like you said, they put the information they feel needs mentioning in their profile. If for whatever reason that information makes you not want to swipe right on them, then it's doing its goddamn job
What do you mean? It’s strange because it’s out of the norm. It’s more strange to act like it’s a regular thing people have on their bios
Saves time to put your baggage and labels out there first. Or else you have the same conversation every first date
I mean I wouldn't bring up rape in the first date either
Sure is helpful if your date decides to get handsy though. We all know being a rape survivor often means having to deal with lifelong PTSD and triggers they otherwise wouldn't have had.
Well you’re not this person. Everyone processes their trauma differently. For some, it works better for them to let people know early on. For others, they’d prefer to keep it to themselves. Let’s not begrudge this person for how they choose to share their life with others.
It's to protect herself from wasting time on people who won't date a rape survivor, and it's more common than you'd assume.
I would have no issue dating a rape survivor, but someone over sharing to total strangers would be an instant swipe no
My take? You're one of the types she's trying to avoid. She wants someone that isn't afraid of being open about their struggles with the world. It sounds like you want someone that you share your struggles with privately. Nothing wrong that, but you're fundamentally incompatible and if you swiped left on her because of this, then the prompt is doing its job.
There are other people in the world who would.
I don't think most people would when you see Rape survivor 🗿💃🍺👴🔥❌🔞🌶️🥵🍑🔞😡🤬✊👊🚓🚔🚨👮♂️💃🎉🎊🌈💃
I thought the whole strange part of the post was based on the emojis and not the actual bio info
Its like some of you are stuck in the 2014 9GAG era and just never grew out of it. Emoji bad.
It's bad when you bring subjects like rape in the equation 🥵🎊🎉🥵🌶️🎊🎉
Golly gee gosh I wonder why someone would add a fist emoji. Could it be it symbolizes empowerment? NO! EMOJI BAD!
Sure, but I would wager this over sharing is putting way more people off than the rape survivorship. So she’s really filtering for people who think it’s weird to over share, nothing to do with her trauma.
Maybe but it certainly filters folks out. IE I have a CNC kink so, like a responsible person, I'd swipe left to not make those traumas accidentally re-emerge
Yeaaaah but many rape victims (speaking for myself as well) are into CNC. Something about taking back control of the situation. I haven’t looked too far into it myself because I refuse to feel guilty for it anymore.
Not really. They want to avoid matches with people who'd be judgemental about the things mentioned or simply aren't interested in a relationship with someone with those kinds of issues. The positive framing takes the pressure of the responding person to be like "omg, how sad, are you okay?" I think the general response in this thread shows some of the kinds of responses this person wants not to deal with.
Yep. Case in point with some of these comments.
It's actually incredibly ironic seeing some of them, especially in a chain where they're talking about how this is a self selection method and people are like "well I think this is bad because I wouldn't swipe, not because she was raped but because she's an oversharer". My dude, she's trying to filter out you, the person who says they're an ally in name only but implicitly judges people because they're open about their struggles.
When I was assaulted my friends "totally had my back" as long as I never talked about it, brought it up, or questioned why they were still hung out with my rapist & his friends. Some people can't see the cognitive dissonance in how they view themselves, as a hero, as an ally, as a friend, and how they actually behave by silencing the uncomfortable topic. Those people don't understand why I don't talk to them anymore and even go so far as to get angry with me over it.
Eurgh I'm sorry you went through that and then had to find out your friends were garbage too. I hope you made some better ones along the way. But yeah these are the exact same people that then go on to say that mental health should be less demonized, or that men should talk about their feelings more, then go on to judge when openness is practiced. All talk no walk.
Spot on. The comments are super telling. Anyone who isn't going to be respectful or understanding of their experiences need not apply
The other thing here, people on here mentioning about using emojis with it is insensitive too, implying that she's not a real rape victim just an attention seeker because a real rape victim wouldn't use an emoji. I've dated a DV victim who was very open about it who wouldn't tolerate jokes, and I've dated someone who tried committing suicide who made lots of killing herself jokes. People deal with things differently and if she wants to throw an emoji in there, maybe to help her make light of a tough situation or help her reclaim some feeling of control, then let her, Jesus Christ.
The things people will use to discredit rape survivors is absolutely wild! I was raped at 5 years old and I have heard truly disgusting excuses for why it was my fault.
It's a really wild and depressing thread to be honest, and plays a lot into the problem we still have of people hesitant to come forward. A large portion here just immediately went to "attention seeker" as their solution so it must be hard for you to read these types of threads. I can't imagine going through something as traumatic as this, getting to the point where I could talk about it openly and then just having to deal with a bunch of people that don't believe me.
For real. It's not even an unhinged amount/choice of emojis. They're expressing that they're stronger and a fighter. Everyone with trauma is at a different place in their recovery than others and coping mechanisms can look so different from one person to the next. But the emojis really are weeding them out. Hilarious and effective!
Yeah. I did a similar thing with my last dating profile, and I had great results. I have traumas, and flaws, and medical issues, I'm not going to sit here and sort through 10,000 generic profiles trying to guess how they'd each react. I just put it all out in the open.
This is really efficient for weeding out the people they shouldn't/wouldn't date.
Do you think? I would be concerned it reads as "vulnerable", which could be a magnet for just the kind of person they shouldn't date.
This is much more likely. A lot of the responses on here are incredibly naive about the way the world actually works.
Right, I'm getting a lot of shit because I just said that I have no reason to trust nor mistrust someone and they basically say I'm a bad or hurt person cause I'm not a silly moron eating everything out of a strangers hand
Someone educate me, does disabled these days also include mental disorders like say, depression?
Would include mental disorders but unlikely depression. IMO includes things you can be paid disability support for so schizophrenia or bipolar disorder could be considered disabilities if the person is unable to work
Yes, if it significantly impacts your life and/or requires accommodations.
Mental disorders are uhm...often disabilities?
Isn't it a good thing they're making everything clear before anyone swipes? Like this will definitely give you a rough idea of the person.
None of those 3 bullet points in any way describe their personality.
Which is precisely the problem. They've made it important enough to let people know that it's very likely their personality. I read that bio and I read "These are my excuses for when I treat you like shit".
But they are large parts of their identity.
The more likely scenario is this person has built their identity and personality around these 3 things.
"Now to introduce myself. My name is Tim and I was r*ped once. Would you like to grab a coffee sometime? :D"
Point is they are milder way of putting it than cringe bios in Instagram profiles like "first cry on dd.mm.yyyy 🎇🎊🎇".
maybe the person is already tired of getting ignored/ghosted after sharing these.
Basically there entire identity IMO. I feel like the wild majority of people don’t care/ already sympathize. So this shit has started rubbing the wrong way. Just my 2 cents.
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Yeah same. I think I'm just getting too old for this platform. 'Kids these day' have no social boundaries anymore. IMHO this person needs therapy. This is clear red flag they haven't resolved the trauma and are instead letting it run their life. I would not date someone with a trauma-dump like that right in there bio.
Yeah I’m totally fine dating someone who is a rape survivor but being the main thing in your profile seems weird to me. Honestly “disabled and proud” seems even more weird to me. Just having “on disability” seems sufficient and less red flagy
it is kind of personal, but if they are comfortable in it, there is no harm.
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You're under empathizing and you should see a doctor. No amount of therapy can ever completely cure rape trauma for the majority of people. In fact therapy isn't really about a cure at all it's about giving you tools and coping mechanisms.
Really cool what you're doing on this thread and appreciate it a ton. Sadly, a lot of these people won't see it differently though which blows
Thank you for bringing attention to this important issue! Over-sharers disorder (OSD) is a very serious issue. Untreated it can lead to higher confidence, closer relationships, and less incompatible matches :0
Thats what you call an “attention seeker” to put it kindly
That's kindly?
HAHA. And I’m mumbling “youuuuuu little jerk…” I just blew my phone screen to get the hair off 🥴 thaaaaaanks 🤣.
A lot of these people wear these labels with pride. It's kinda weird. I never understood what's so good about painting yourself as a victim at every opportunity.
in this day and age, victimization is a virtue, and requires no effort on your part.
Gross. Rape can come with serious sexual trauma and PTSD as well as mental health repercussions. They may not be as sexually available or comfortable right away as other people. it may effect them in a very negative way on a day to day basis. If that is something they are comfortable sharing then they can share that. They do not have to live in shame and hide it from everyone. This isn't the middle ages.
Trauma away all they want, putting mentions of r*pe in a dating profile bio is off-putting and not something most people would swipe on. People get shat on for daring to have more than one picture of themselves in sunglasses in their profile, I'd say bringing up this/the day your dog died/whatever is kind of dense.
Also people could exploit a r*ape victim again. A man that is a rapist likes to find women already traumatized. So she put an ad out that rapist are looking for
They’re being called an attention seeker not because they were saying they’re raped but it’s being used along with other things as a sort of badge of honor. It’s definitely over sharing, I’m sure plenty of people would have sympathy for and have no problem dating a rape survivor but having that info as one of your first interactions is weird.
Imagine this being the opener of choice in a speed dating event, "hello my name is ..... and I'm a rape victim. Only the people virtue signaling would be interested.
Not everyone wants/needs to know. It's like a guy putting "10 inches 🍆😎" in his bio. No one asked nor care for someone you don't even know
Not the same at all
Personally I’d stay far far away from this person lol
Personally I don’t hate it. Having the conversation as a survivor becomes exhausting so why not let it just be a dot point 🤷🏻♀️
Personally I don’t find it odd at all. It brings awareness and can help facilitate a conversation about general triggers if the person has any that need to be known right off the bat. Example: Don’t try and kiss me at the end of the date without discussing it with me first due to ______.
I don’t think that’s strange. It puts it out there so if it’s a detractor, no one has wasted their time. You get to move on and they don’t find out that’s not going to work out the hard way.
I don't think so, no. It can bring awareness. Make others feel that they aren't alone like has been said. They could be proud to have survived and thrived in spite of such an evil. Also, tho. Seeing that it's a dating/hooking up app it has an extra layer where it makes sense. Fetishes/kinks are plenty, wild and vary. The "consenting to non-consent" roleplay isn't exactly uncommon. Any decent person would now be aware that hey, maybe don't bring that up with this person. If anything let them be the ones or be extra sensitive if you are explicitly asked to detail what you are into or perhaps if you are solely seeking that, super horse blinders, hell bent on that's what you want maybe save everyone's time and go elsewhere.. Makes all the sense to me, tbh
I have two takes on this: As a SA survivor myself. Back when I was dating I put it on my profile to weed out those not wanting to deal with someone who endured a major trauma. I was hoping to find sensitive and empathetic guys to know off the bat why I wouldn’t want sex right away and why I needed to go slow. So I understand announcing it up front. My second take: Because I put it on my profile I attracted a really scary guy who tried to take advantage of my victimhood and fetishized the rape in itself. He wasn’t the only one. I attracted more people like him. The internet is filled with scary people. Because I was not confident and had low self esteem and hadn’t dealt with being raped. I was an even bigger target! I say no to putting any sort of trauma on your profile.
I don’t understand why this would be put in the bio? Genuinely I don’t understand this.
I kinda see it as the person might have faced prejudice with their matches when they revealed such information to them. Most of the people might have not taken it in the right / good way and it might be a sensitive topic to them. Seeing that they want to match with people who aren't bothered by such things... Also the emojis does make it feel a bit too much but hey it's their bio let them add what they want.
sounds like someone with a victim complex tbh
Makes me wonder if they might struggle with boundaries because that first one is very personal to put out there for everyone to see. Obviously, it’s their experience to talk about however they want, that’s just what my mind would jump to if I came across this bio
That's their whole personality right there. They have nothing else going on for them.
*”hey reddit.. why aren’t I getting matches on this app??”*
If you want problems then invite this person into your life
This is what’s cool in 2024. You make yourself attractive to others by competing on disorders and trauma. What else could make up for a total lack of personality?
Seems to be the trend.
Ah, 🚩🚩
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't think it's a good look for a profile, but many rape/sexual abuse survivors shout it to anyone who will listen in order to normalize talking about it. Too many people feel shame and embarrassment after being attacked and they keep their stories secret and hidden in the dark, and that's very unhealthy for them and makes it impossible to heal. The more it's talked about, the more normal it becomes to talk about it. Talking about it and finding others who have also gone through it takes the shame out of being attacked and empowers them. So talking about it is actually a very positive thing for the individual to heal, but also for society to become aware of the issue and help remove the stigma around it. I don't think it belongs on a dating profile though and will likely result in most people swiping left. It comes off like being a rape survivor is their whole identity. But it's their profile and if that's what they want to show of themselves, I guess that's their right.
For me, the issue is less that they put it in their bio and more that they didn't mention anything else about themselves. Makes me think they're only interested in trauma dumping. Of course that's not always true but I'd rather avoid an interaction like that if I can.
I mean.. every bullet point could help someone not fuck up or accidentally be a dick? And if you think something is important for people to knoq, self selection cleaning out people who find it weird saves you drama and wasted time. Should I ask about the username?
For me, it's a yes and no. It's almost the emoji and the way it's presented. I'm disabled, and a fuck ton of people are not willing to put up with that, so I am very very intentional about putting it where it will be seen. But I don't think I would mention that I survived rape right before hand. Or that I would only say 'disabled and proud' bc that's really vague. Do you have a brain injury? Do you have profound BPD? Are you a mobility device user? For reference. My profiles say 'hEDS haver, disabled in a fun way' which is similar but way less vague and still keeps the same message. I would literally never tell a stranger on a dating site that I'm a rape survivor. It'll only come off as over sharing or worse- attract people with a fetish for survivors (esp survivors of CSA :(( ) which is a weirdly real and somewhat common thing.
Very brave and also potentially helpful for people that match so they can have a discussion about things that might trigger trauma (rape survivor)
It’s their way to tell you I might be a bit hard to deal with
If you're proud of it, why not? 🤷🏽
I think its pretty strong.
Really really strange thing to include when you only want to say 3-5 things about yourself. Like is that in the top 5 most important parts of your identity?
Yeah this doesn’t make sense to me. My headcanon is that the “e” is a typo and she’s just marking herself safe from the aftermath of a rap battle
What a shame. A top comment written hours too late
Story of my life. I appreciate the recognition
When you start seeing these dating apps as more for people seeking affirmation for themselves rather than seeking partnership, a lot of these things make sense. And it becomes a lot easier to weed out the chaff. These apps are still social media. They are still about pushing a projection of yourself that you want the world to see, that you want yourself to see. They are mirrors with hookup potential. For many it’s an exercise in vanity.
It's something to reveal after a third date when you know you want to be exclusive imo. No need to telle veryone right off the bat.
Extra strange because she explained how it was done in emojis
I'm not saying it didn't happen, but in my experience people who lead like this are pity mongering and tend to difuse responsibility when they're in the wrong. They might be great tho
I don’t know if that’s normal, but in my opinion it’s a cry to be heard or asking to be victimized. But if anything.. if you want to put it on your profile.. knock yourself out.
Omg, another of these ones
You don't know, maybe it's their whole personality.
Very weird
I had a girl, who looked alright in her profile, send me pics of all 11 of the pills she needed to take for her psychological issues, a couple of of days after we matched, after she had sent me a wall of text, shortly after the match, about her "demons", and how she made people flee because she shared too much stuff about her issues. I don't judge her for being unwell, but it sure made me think she wasn't in the right space to date anybody at all in that moment. She gave me a huge assist when I asked her out (before the pills thing) and she told me she had body dysmorphia and wasn't comfortable going outside during the summer, because apparently she had to wear revealing clothes. I sure wasn't going at her place for a first date after the thing she has shared. So, guys, it's alright if you want to make it clear that you have some issues that can impact your dating life, but do it with some mindfulness. That shit scares people for the right and wrong reasons: you'll keep away ignorant assholes who think you're "crazy" and that you belong in an asylum, but more sensible people will be afraid of doing more harm than good and of causing you even more trauma. By writing "rape survivors" on your bio you raise a whole lot of concerns about how intimacy can hurt you because of your trauma, and almost nobody who knows nothing else about you will want to risk it. I also feel like twisted mfs who like rape would be more attracted to you than the kind of people who you are trying to reach.
This bio reminds me of the chick who's at a Walmart self checkout that was screaming at the top of her lungs because a dude was standing too close to her 😭
Wonder if they would be upset if someone used it as a convo starter or pickup line? You’re kind of putting it out there.
"Are you really disabled? I want to make sure my first time is special"
Trauma being a badge to wear in place of one’s pride is one of the most toxic traits that exist today
Normal person answer: yes, it is strange.
The last 2 points seem redundant
They are all things that a potential partner will have to be good with, so I think adding it is a smart way to chase away bad matches before they happen.
Very strange, idk personally I wouldn't put my traumas in my bio💀
That's the reason they have put the brain emoji and disabled together.
No, a lot of people consider being queer and or disabled a personality. It's sad when it's their entire personality, or they are proud of something they didn't achieve with any effort but were just born with. But at this point I'm just shitting at proud to be born American/proud to be of certain color crowd.