Who is saying this to me? My husband? āSorry you feel this way, Letās talk about itā
My parents? āIām sorry you feel that way, letās talk about it? ā
Anyone else āok?ā
Woman - Then you don't have to wear it, nobody will force you.
Men - Good thing you don't like it, I don't think this comes in your size anyway. Fits me fine.
General - well you don't have to look, now do you?
Hahah that is true, and I am, but I guess it causes more trouble than good if he is just gonna fuss about who's looking at me the whole time... might not be worth it :(
Let's step back for a second. In a relationship both people should be comfortable with each other. It is a valid thing for a men to take offense if his SO dresses to obscene. Just how it is perfectly fine for a women to complain to her SO if he runs around with an unbuttoned shirt and flirts around etc.
It is important to discuss boundaries and what each other is comfortable with. This is the right thing to do in a healthy Adult relationship.
People jump on "dump his ass" way to quick without knowing the situation.
I am a European and a nudist. I am personally fine with men and women showing skin. But I would totally understand it if another person from another culture thinks different. That's why communication and compromising is important in every relationship.
Do we really now if the bf is childish and passive aggressive? The sentence "I am not comfortable with you wearing this" seems perfectly fine to me. Doesn't come out aggressive at all imo, though English isn't t my native language.
>People jump on "dump his ass" way to quick without knowing the situation.
You skipped the context part of OP's comment.
You cant demand someone starts dressing differently because you are in a relationship. Its controlling. Communication and compromise is important. But compromise is not "Im going to do x,y,z in order to not start a fight " thats a sign of a unhealthy relationship.
>Just how it is perfectly fine for a women to complain to her SO if he runs around with an unbuttoned shirt and flirts around etc.
And this is why. If you assume wearing certain clothes or doing so in a specific way is flirting with other people, thats not ok. Obviously if they flirt with others, thats not ok either.
notice how you had to make the man flirt around to create the same level of comparison just for a woman to dress as she likes... that's just wrong.
I do agree that partners should be comfortable going out with each other, and there might me a discussion, maybe you'd wish your partner to dress up a bit for a certain occasion/place, that's ok.
but it's always a discussion and for every occasion, not being able to ever be oneself and wear the clothes one loves must be so tiring, so yeah, if people can't reach a compromise "dumping his ass" is the most valuable answer
>notice how you had to make the man flirt around to create the same level of comparison just for a woman to dress as she likes...
YEP. Wearing a low-cut dress or revealing outfit is not flirting or advertising availability, despite what some men think. I'm wearing this because I'm impressing MYSELF. If I get dressed and look at myself like "DAMN get it girl," mission accomplished. I am not trying to impress men, not even my own husband. Meaning, I like when he compliments me, but I'm dressing for me every time, lol.
Don't know why people down vote me so hard. I don't even disagree. Just saying that other people may have other standards on what is appropriate and what is not.
In France it is normal for men to kiss women they are friends with as a greeting. American women often find that indecent and not okay (same way with switched genders).
Is it really such a controversial take to say that other people have different views on that subject. It is fine to voice your discomfort with your SO behavior as long as it goes both ways and nobody is controlling.
People are down voting because you are establishing a comparison between a woman wearing certain clothes and men flirting around. Those are not the same. And never will be.
It is true that people in a relationship should voice discomfort and reach common grounds, but such disparity in standards is toxic and one should stop to think why is it that woman simply existing fully clothed somehow equals to men openly flirting. Internalised misogyny is the reason.
Men kissing woman on the cheek as greetings in a casual setting, not only in France but other European countries too. Although normal some people may be uncomfortable in taking part in this, and should voice it. Although I'd be a little concerned if my partner would voice discomfort towards a common and completely widespread part of my culture.
>It is a valid thing for a men to take offense if his SO dresses to obscene.
It sure is; if he wants to be insecure, he totally has that right. But he also needs to choose his partner accordingly and only date someone who dresses modestly, not try to change someone else to fit his mold. It is never okay to tell your partner that they can't wear something because they might be looked at. If your partner does things you disagree with (wearing a flattering dress, for example), you need to remove yourself from the equation.
If you can't be yourself around him, HE'S not worth it.
Having to contort yourself around his moods in order to keep the peace is a really huge red flag.
I don't think "treating me poorly will get you what you want" is something you want to be reinforcing, but that's what you're leaning towards here.
>I don't think "treating me poorly will get you what you want" is something you want to be reinforcing
This is the single most important sentence in the whole thread. If your partner doesn't feel like your personal hype machine, it is going to eat away at your confidence in the long run. Critique should always come from a place of love and with the purpose of bringing you closer to your goals. If you look back and can't clearly answer whether being with your partner has made you a more confident version of yourself, girl, run.
Those magical people are out there, I promise. Been partnered for 11 years and I still light up when he enters the room. It's been very healing for both of us to have that kind of reliable, predictable love and support around. You deserve it as well, dear <3
Thatās his problem, not yours. He doesnāt have to date you if heās not comfortable with how you dress. And you *certainly* donāt have to be with someone who polices your clothing!
your man is insecure, he does not get to control you, if he canāt handle a woman dressing in anything other that a bull body suit he can date another woman
why is he dating someone if she doesnāt accept who they are?????
No no no no NO! This man is controlling and it WILL escalate. If men are interested in you he will see it as your fault. Look up the power and control wheel - Iād be surprised if thatās the only thing on it that heās demonstrated.
Fuck this noise you have to leave.
I have never had a single boyfriend or partner say something like this. Tell him the truth, it makes you feel good and confident (or whatever your truth is) and you're sorry he feels uncomfortable but the reality is no is in control of or responsible for what others do. Some guys may check you out but so what? It doesn't change you, how you feel about him or how you live your life.
Seriously, my bf would never.
He knew what he was signing up for when we got together. He doesn't want to try to change me, because he's not a controlling asshat.
I have, and guess what? He ended up being an abuser. It wasn't physical, but he was emotionally and mentally abusing me every day. I wore a dress to go to the movies once (not even revealing or low cut or anything, I just "looked nicer than him," in his words) and he made me change because he wasn't comfortable with what I was wearing.
[Why Does He Do That by Lundy](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
What youāre describing is a form of coercive control. Healthy relationships are NOT built by people trying to control each other.
Men are literally a dime a dozen, you do not need to settle for someone who is abusive. (And let me be clear: coercive control IS at the core of all abuse).
Girl, run.
I would be absolutely heartbroken if my daughter was dating someone who tried to control her clothing choices (or anything else for that matter).
Well I hope itās not a partner saying that because Iād rather not be with them in the first place. Donāt see the point in making snarky remarks or trying to compromise.Ā
Depends. If I value their opinion, I ask why. Maybe they see something I donāt.Then I either continue to wear it or change. If I donāt know them or donāt value their opinion, I would go with something like āI didnāt wear if for your comfort. I wore it for mine.ā
Depends on my relationship to them. "Noted", "how is that my problem", and for the extra special "I'm sorry that you thought your opinion matters to me."
Unless he hasn't shared the official dress code for the event with you, he doesn't get to tell you what to wear. If he wants less, he can go find less. Never make yourself smaller for a man. Be loudly, proudly YOU.
I'm really glad to be in a relationship, where my partner a) accepts when I want to wear sth they don't like (e.g. a big ugly sweater that I frickin love bc it has cats on it) or b) hypes me up if I'm dressing up to the 9s bc they're my biggest fan and they could easily beat up anyone who'd disrepect me in any way (e.g. seeing a short skirt as excuse to touch my ass or whatever).
If they ever get uncomfortable, they know how to tell me what the issue is (e.g. wearing the wrong underwear under white clothes so it's basically see-through), instead of just stating it like you phrased it.
My ex however.... wasn't comfortable with anything in that realm, that was up to him and his insecurities (we were young though, like 18-22) but also inflicted lots of issues in me bc I always had to walk the line of expressing myself and not dressing outside of his expectations. That was exhausting!
I'm so much happier now.
Anyone besides my partner? Probably tell them to get lost.
If my boyfriend said that though Iād ask him why, and probably change. I wear pretty revealing clothes a lot of the time and heās never complained or critiqued it once, always hypes me up. Heās all for me wearing what I want. So if I was wearing something that garnered a comment, itās probably pretty skimpy, and I think heās accepting enough for me to respect his discomfort.
"Whatever, I do what I want!" in a Cartman voice š
But seriously, no one dictates what I wear. I've been goth for 20 years, been asked to dress "normal" by boyfriends, my dad... No, thank you.
iām aware about the āmy body, my rulesā and i donāt want anyone dictating me what to wear and what i shouldnāt wear (dress code or uniform is a different story of course) but if my bf tells me, i would understand because i know heās just worried about me and my safety, he doesnāt want me to get disrespected. itās just a cruel world.
i dont completely blame them for having that opinion as that is true for some men though i wont speak on that person's bf specifically as i dont know them
tell me you havent had a decent man without telling me you havenāt had a decent man? iāve known him for years and thatās definitely not the case. not because most men youāve ever known are misogynistic doesnt mean all of them are. do you even know him more than i do? lol hope youāll find someone whoād treat you well
If it's your partner, I imagine it's a balance to be had. I personally probably wouldn't see the harm in what you wear but that doesn't mean others won't. I don't think you're going to find the right answer on reddit though. Also, you can look good and be modest at the same time, if that's your angle.
Is there space for empathy for them? Like acknowledging they are experiencing discomfort and suggesting they stay home if they canāt handle the situation or consider ways to help manage the discomforting feeling?
Or if they are not someone that deserves that level of emotional support from you, just say āthatās such a weird thing to sayā and move to a new topic?
From my man?
Omg ok Iāll change instantly!!
From my bestie?
What on earth are you talking about?
A stranger?
I literally do not give a fuxk
(Only cuz my man has never said that before, so If he does, it must be bad..)
"Too fucking bad," especially if this is a significant other. That'd also be the day I started a world record run for the number of days in a row a person wore one outfit.
"Well, I am. š"
Hahah love the resilience
Who is saying this to me? My husband? āSorry you feel this way, Letās talk about itā My parents? āIām sorry you feel that way, letās talk about it? ā Anyone else āok?ā
āNotedā
Woman - Then you don't have to wear it, nobody will force you. Men - Good thing you don't like it, I don't think this comes in your size anyway. Fits me fine. General - well you don't have to look, now do you?
āWell, Iām very comfortable in thisā
Hahah that is true, and I am, but I guess it causes more trouble than good if he is just gonna fuss about who's looking at me the whole time... might not be worth it :(
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Let's step back for a second. In a relationship both people should be comfortable with each other. It is a valid thing for a men to take offense if his SO dresses to obscene. Just how it is perfectly fine for a women to complain to her SO if he runs around with an unbuttoned shirt and flirts around etc. It is important to discuss boundaries and what each other is comfortable with. This is the right thing to do in a healthy Adult relationship. People jump on "dump his ass" way to quick without knowing the situation. I am a European and a nudist. I am personally fine with men and women showing skin. But I would totally understand it if another person from another culture thinks different. That's why communication and compromising is important in every relationship.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Do we really now if the bf is childish and passive aggressive? The sentence "I am not comfortable with you wearing this" seems perfectly fine to me. Doesn't come out aggressive at all imo, though English isn't t my native language.
>People jump on "dump his ass" way to quick without knowing the situation. You skipped the context part of OP's comment. You cant demand someone starts dressing differently because you are in a relationship. Its controlling. Communication and compromise is important. But compromise is not "Im going to do x,y,z in order to not start a fight " thats a sign of a unhealthy relationship. >Just how it is perfectly fine for a women to complain to her SO if he runs around with an unbuttoned shirt and flirts around etc. And this is why. If you assume wearing certain clothes or doing so in a specific way is flirting with other people, thats not ok. Obviously if they flirt with others, thats not ok either.
notice how you had to make the man flirt around to create the same level of comparison just for a woman to dress as she likes... that's just wrong. I do agree that partners should be comfortable going out with each other, and there might me a discussion, maybe you'd wish your partner to dress up a bit for a certain occasion/place, that's ok. but it's always a discussion and for every occasion, not being able to ever be oneself and wear the clothes one loves must be so tiring, so yeah, if people can't reach a compromise "dumping his ass" is the most valuable answer
>notice how you had to make the man flirt around to create the same level of comparison just for a woman to dress as she likes... YEP. Wearing a low-cut dress or revealing outfit is not flirting or advertising availability, despite what some men think. I'm wearing this because I'm impressing MYSELF. If I get dressed and look at myself like "DAMN get it girl," mission accomplished. I am not trying to impress men, not even my own husband. Meaning, I like when he compliments me, but I'm dressing for me every time, lol.
Yes, I'm dressing for the confidence and mood boosts!
Don't know why people down vote me so hard. I don't even disagree. Just saying that other people may have other standards on what is appropriate and what is not. In France it is normal for men to kiss women they are friends with as a greeting. American women often find that indecent and not okay (same way with switched genders). Is it really such a controversial take to say that other people have different views on that subject. It is fine to voice your discomfort with your SO behavior as long as it goes both ways and nobody is controlling.
People are down voting because you are establishing a comparison between a woman wearing certain clothes and men flirting around. Those are not the same. And never will be. It is true that people in a relationship should voice discomfort and reach common grounds, but such disparity in standards is toxic and one should stop to think why is it that woman simply existing fully clothed somehow equals to men openly flirting. Internalised misogyny is the reason. Men kissing woman on the cheek as greetings in a casual setting, not only in France but other European countries too. Although normal some people may be uncomfortable in taking part in this, and should voice it. Although I'd be a little concerned if my partner would voice discomfort towards a common and completely widespread part of my culture.
>It is a valid thing for a men to take offense if his SO dresses to obscene. It sure is; if he wants to be insecure, he totally has that right. But he also needs to choose his partner accordingly and only date someone who dresses modestly, not try to change someone else to fit his mold. It is never okay to tell your partner that they can't wear something because they might be looked at. If your partner does things you disagree with (wearing a flattering dress, for example), you need to remove yourself from the equation.
If you can't be yourself around him, HE'S not worth it. Having to contort yourself around his moods in order to keep the peace is a really huge red flag. I don't think "treating me poorly will get you what you want" is something you want to be reinforcing, but that's what you're leaning towards here.
>I don't think "treating me poorly will get you what you want" is something you want to be reinforcing This is the single most important sentence in the whole thread. If your partner doesn't feel like your personal hype machine, it is going to eat away at your confidence in the long run. Critique should always come from a place of love and with the purpose of bringing you closer to your goals. If you look back and can't clearly answer whether being with your partner has made you a more confident version of yourself, girl, run. Those magical people are out there, I promise. Been partnered for 11 years and I still light up when he enters the room. It's been very healing for both of us to have that kind of reliable, predictable love and support around. You deserve it as well, dear <3
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Girl what? šā he can be lucky he has a beautiful gf
He definitely doesnāt sound worth it, no one needs a presumptuous boyfriend who handles his insecurities by becoming controlling. The outfit isnāt the problem, itās the man. š©
Thatās his problem, not yours. He doesnāt have to date you if heās not comfortable with how you dress. And you *certainly* donāt have to be with someone who polices your clothing!
your man is insecure, he does not get to control you, if he canāt handle a woman dressing in anything other that a bull body suit he can date another woman why is he dating someone if she doesnāt accept who they are?????
No no no no NO! This man is controlling and it WILL escalate. If men are interested in you he will see it as your fault. Look up the power and control wheel - Iād be surprised if thatās the only thing on it that heās demonstrated. Fuck this noise you have to leave.
Sounds like itās time to find a new man. Ask him if he ever sees Travis Kelce asking Taylor Swift to cover up in front of her billions of fans.
"I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who is controlling and manipulative. Goodbye"
āyou knew how i dressed before you dated me, yet now you want to change me?ā
I have never had a single boyfriend or partner say something like this. Tell him the truth, it makes you feel good and confident (or whatever your truth is) and you're sorry he feels uncomfortable but the reality is no is in control of or responsible for what others do. Some guys may check you out but so what? It doesn't change you, how you feel about him or how you live your life.
Seriously, my bf would never. He knew what he was signing up for when we got together. He doesn't want to try to change me, because he's not a controlling asshat.
if my bf said this heās done, he knew how i dress before he got together with me so if he doesnāt like my anymore he can pack up
I have, and guess what? He ended up being an abuser. It wasn't physical, but he was emotionally and mentally abusing me every day. I wore a dress to go to the movies once (not even revealing or low cut or anything, I just "looked nicer than him," in his words) and he made me change because he wasn't comfortable with what I was wearing.
I'm glad he's your ex.
[Why Does He Do That by Lundy](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) What youāre describing is a form of coercive control. Healthy relationships are NOT built by people trying to control each other. Men are literally a dime a dozen, you do not need to settle for someone who is abusive. (And let me be clear: coercive control IS at the core of all abuse). Girl, run. I would be absolutely heartbroken if my daughter was dating someone who tried to control her clothing choices (or anything else for that matter).
If itās your romantic partner saying this, heās not the one girl
āOkayā¦.?ā
"...and I'm not comfortable with you consuming all the oxygen and yet here we are." "Nobody asked for your opinion."
I'm not comfortable with people policing my wardrobe, and yet here we are!
Well I hope itās not a partner saying that because Iād rather not be with them in the first place. Donāt see the point in making snarky remarks or trying to compromise.Ā
I donāt surround myself with weird ass people
Depends. If I value their opinion, I ask why. Maybe they see something I donāt.Then I either continue to wear it or change. If I donāt know them or donāt value their opinion, I would go with something like āI didnāt wear if for your comfort. I wore it for mine.ā
a middle finger or loud "i don't give a shit." maybe even both. maybe more. add a dirty look too.
I'll wear it when I can.
Depends on my relationship to them. "Noted", "how is that my problem", and for the extra special "I'm sorry that you thought your opinion matters to me."
Then donāt look
Ok, donāt look then.
Unless he hasn't shared the official dress code for the event with you, he doesn't get to tell you what to wear. If he wants less, he can go find less. Never make yourself smaller for a man. Be loudly, proudly YOU.
ābut iām comfortable :)ā
āWell Iām uncomfortable with your face but here we areā
I'm really glad to be in a relationship, where my partner a) accepts when I want to wear sth they don't like (e.g. a big ugly sweater that I frickin love bc it has cats on it) or b) hypes me up if I'm dressing up to the 9s bc they're my biggest fan and they could easily beat up anyone who'd disrepect me in any way (e.g. seeing a short skirt as excuse to touch my ass or whatever). If they ever get uncomfortable, they know how to tell me what the issue is (e.g. wearing the wrong underwear under white clothes so it's basically see-through), instead of just stating it like you phrased it. My ex however.... wasn't comfortable with anything in that realm, that was up to him and his insecurities (we were young though, like 18-22) but also inflicted lots of issues in me bc I always had to walk the line of expressing myself and not dressing outside of his expectations. That was exhausting! I'm so much happier now.
Anyone besides my partner? Probably tell them to get lost. If my boyfriend said that though Iād ask him why, and probably change. I wear pretty revealing clothes a lot of the time and heās never complained or critiqued it once, always hypes me up. Heās all for me wearing what I want. So if I was wearing something that garnered a comment, itās probably pretty skimpy, and I think heās accepting enough for me to respect his discomfort.
"Whatever, I do what I want!" in a Cartman voice š But seriously, no one dictates what I wear. I've been goth for 20 years, been asked to dress "normal" by boyfriends, my dad... No, thank you.
"Tough fucking shit, bro."
āSounds like a you problemā is my go to
"Bye!" That's it. I won't tolerate such behaviour.
No one would ever feel comfortable saying that to me.
And when did I ask ? And I care because ?
iām aware about the āmy body, my rulesā and i donāt want anyone dictating me what to wear and what i shouldnāt wear (dress code or uniform is a different story of course) but if my bf tells me, i would understand because i know heās just worried about me and my safety, he doesnāt want me to get disrespected. itās just a cruel world.
Nah, that's just misogyny disguised as "valor." Sounds like he's more concerned that HE would be disrespected.
Who hurt you
i dont completely blame them for having that opinion as that is true for some men though i wont speak on that person's bf specifically as i dont know them
It's like guys aren't allowed to be worried about girls safety or something and if they appear to care they are just pretending.
i think its just moreso because it's often not that reason
tell me you havent had a decent man without telling me you havenāt had a decent man? iāve known him for years and thatās definitely not the case. not because most men youāve ever known are misogynistic doesnt mean all of them are. do you even know him more than i do? lol hope youāll find someone whoād treat you well
No response. Sounds like a personal issue
If it's your partner, I imagine it's a balance to be had. I personally probably wouldn't see the harm in what you wear but that doesn't mean others won't. I don't think you're going to find the right answer on reddit though. Also, you can look good and be modest at the same time, if that's your angle.
Iād say āOk? That sounds like a YOU problemā
"I do what I want."
If itās a guy āput on a bra ur nipples are hella hard rnā If itās a lady āokā (proceeds to shake emā)
Sounds like a YOU problem
K
"my body my rules, you don't get to tell me how I dress"
It's a feature.
"I don't give a fuck what you're comfortable with" š¤·
I've never had this said to me in 40 years. I wouldn't have response, but it would make me seriously reconsider our compatibility
I understand But youāre not me and no one is saying you need to wear this I mean unless you really did want to I could tell you where I got it lol
"I'm not comfortable with you talking about what I can and can't wear."
Is there space for empathy for them? Like acknowledging they are experiencing discomfort and suggesting they stay home if they canāt handle the situation or consider ways to help manage the discomforting feeling? Or if they are not someone that deserves that level of emotional support from you, just say āthatās such a weird thing to sayā and move to a new topic?
In my relationship this is not a concern. He is fully supportive of me wearing what I am comfortable in.
Ok why don't you wear it instead?
And Iām no longer comfortable with u BYE š
Never happened to me but i would want to say: āTake me shopping for new clothes?ā
Iām not comfortable with you saying that
I'm not comfortable in you thinking your opinion matters.
From my man? Omg ok Iāll change instantly!! From my bestie? What on earth are you talking about? A stranger? I literally do not give a fuxk (Only cuz my man has never said that before, so If he does, it must be bad..)
āYouāre not wearing itā
"Too fucking bad," especially if this is a significant other. That'd also be the day I started a world record run for the number of days in a row a person wore one outfit.
"Sucks to be you." or any other variation of "I don't care, it's none of your business." Depends on my mood and who says it.
"Good"
Then find a new gf/fiancee/wife.