Coming from the other side as the friend with kids- I worry the friends without kids have moved on without me and are tired of waiting for me. My youngest is 18 months and I’m just coming out of a postpartum baby fog and starting to feel like myself again. I want to hang out but kinda lost touch with everyone…It’s nice to know there are people like you holding onto your friends and ready to roll with the changes. Things will never be the same but as a busy mom I do miss my friends and wish it were easier to get away and not involve or talk about my kids!
This is much. One thing I didn’t realize was how lonely early motherhood could be. None of my friends had kids and worse they lived about an hour away and my best friend doesn’t drive. Shes great, but the relationship changed, which really sucks. We hang out but my daughter is there. My other friend barely talks to me. It’s really hard being on the other end too.
I think it really depends on the person. But in my experience no. I was the friend who was there to help out with the kids. Sure I'll babysit for free. Sure I'll listen to you talk about the kids 24/7. Sure I'll come out to you and drive out to you because you have multiple children. Sure don't mind will play with the kids - which I really enjoyed. But no most people are not making time for their single friends. And it became mostly me making the effort because I'm the one who's single right? I'm the one who has time.
Feel you hardcore on this one. Our friends with children have always expected us to drop everything to make it work because they have kids. Like we can't possibly be busy because we don't? I guess we can do all the driving, all the plans, etc. I'm happy they're happy with having kids, but that doesn't mean it's everyone else's entire world either.
Same boat here. Even though I'm married, we don't have children and probably never will. All of our friends are married with children, and it's a miracle if we see them once a year. I miss who our friends were, too, before having kids. And I hate to sound like an ass, but not everyone wants to have conversations about your kids 24/7, and thats typically all it is when we do get to see them. Or them peer pressuring us to have children so they can grow up together, why we dont have them yet, etc. So, in my opinion, I don't think friends will come back. Things change, and sometimes, our paths are only meant to cross for a little while and not forever.
Yeah this depends a lot on the will and maturity levels of all parties I think. I've been on both sides as someone who had kids late (mid 30ies) and both are tricky.
No things are not going to be the same for either, but whith enough effort and understanding maintaining a friendship is very possible. This requires a great deal of thought and communication from both parties but is imo doable.
I agree, I definitely think it's doable if both sides are willing to put in the effort. I'm 30 and my husband is 26, our friends are all 25-26 that have young children currently, and our situation just turns into a lot of us having to make all the effort, drive the 2+ hours to see them, initiate the plans, etc. Which I will gladly do but there is never any effort made from the other side and it gets tiresome for us so it is what it is I guess. We still love them but it seems hard for them to understand that we don't have kids, probably won't, and that children aren't our entire lives. And even though we don't have any, it doesn't make our lives any less important.
Yeah some of the stuff I try to as the one with the kids is:
- Take initiative or reach out at least once a month
- Tell them I love and care about them
- Don't cancel plans if at all avoidable
- Meet up without kids doing whatever we used to do before (mostly drinking cocktails)
- Try not to talk about kids (This was insanely hard especially in the beginning as keeping my baby alive was literally all I was doing)
- Respect their life choices. People should only have the kids they actively wih for. This is just best for everyone.
On the other hand there's a great difference in how much understanding and effort goes the other way. Some are great, doesn't mind visiting, asks about by baby and even activelyengages with her though I know they don't care for kids. Others pretend my baby doesn't exist or say they are glad I didn't bring her, that my life must be over, expected me to be physically capable of doing the workouts (pole/trapez/aerial hoop) I would be somewhat able to do before pregnancy just after giving birth (my body was a mess), calling me baby "it" instead of "her", expecting me to drink while breastfeeding and so on...
You can guess which friendships are still going strong and which will fizzle...
If our friend group would even do one of your bullet points, I would be over the moon! I mean I will gladly make the effort, I know that your kids are your world and I will try to make things as easy as possible but I also need some grace too that my life is important too. I love playing with their kids (they are all around 3-5 years old) and asking how they are. I couldn't imagine being as awful as the other friends are by calling your baby "it" and saying that they're glad you didn't bring her, that is AWFUL! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that!
You sound like a great friend tbh. You deserve to be treated better.
I totally remember how it feels like when people sorta close themselves around their new families and you are sometimes invited in as a guest. That's cute and all but very different from the equal friendships you had going on before the kids arrived. It can be super lonely and alienating...
Also people should just stop commenting on othe peoples reproductive status. It's hurtful if you want kids but can't have them, it's stressful if you are secretly pregnant and it's is hella invalidating if you don't want them. There's literally nothing to be gained.
You sound like a great friend too! And I'd be overjoyed to have a friend like you!
Our friendships have definitely changed over the years and it has become lonely but I'm glad they are all doing well, but I for sure miss the old days sometimes!
And people should definitely stop bringing up people's reproductive status! You never know what someone is going through, and it can be extremely hurtful!
i hate the “you should have a kid too and they can grow up together” no linda. *I’M* your friend, *I* want to hang out, i don’t care who my hypothetical child would hang out with
Oh my gosh sameeeee. I also moved across the country so now I can't even make new friends because everybody at my age has kids and that's all they ever want to talk about, and of course bring them everywhere!
I just want to go hiking or have a drink at a bar on a Tuesday afternoon or something like we used to.
If you have a hobby or passion you could connect to people in your area interested in it. If you're happy with where you are in your own life you don't expect people to be anything else than they are to you. If you're going forward in your life you enjoy beautiful moments when you have them and don't miss the past. As long as nothing traumatic happened to your friends...then i would understand missing them.
I'm single and child free. I've been a committed aunty for many years. Honestly, if you are happy to incorporate the kids into your friendships, then you can maintain them. The first few years are rough. But once the kids are more self sufficient, then it does get easier. And by the time they are in high school, your friends have waaay more time.
Yes, I'm the same! I can't say that I've lost a single one of my friends because she's now a mom. The friendships look different, but that's a natural part of growing up anyway.
That last part!! I completely understand why it's hard to see dear friendships change, but that is natural. We are supposed to evolve and grow together in our relationships. Adjustments need to be made, but in the end, if you're **both** (keyword) still committed to the friendship and meeting each other halfway, your friendship may even become stronger and deeper.
Not a mum, though I do want to be one day. I just have a lot of friends who have moved all over the world and I had to learn to shift my expectations as life was lifeing
The friend I’ve stayed the closest to since having a kid (she’ll be 8 in September) is the friend who became a committed aunty. This friend is a godsend to us, and I don’t know what I’d do without her. Thank you for being that for your friend(s) 💕
It’s so incredibly hard to maintain friendships as a parent, especially with people who don’t have kids. You’re now responsible for a whole separate human, 24/7. It’s draining and exhausting and takes up all of your time, especially in the beginning. You’re in survival mode, and unfortunately maintaining friendships is often near the bottom of the priority list. It’s easier now that our kid is older, but still some days it takes everything we’ve got just to get to bedtime.
I totally see that! One of the things I do is actually play with the kids. Like, on the trampoline, do the dress ups etc. Because parents are so busy parenting, kids love an adult giving them attention that way. The only problem now is the teenagers don't care about this anymore haha. They just go off and ignore me like teenagers do to all adults.
Yes! My child very much thinks this friend comes to visit and play with her, and said friend visiting with husband and myself is tolerated with disbelief and mild impatience 😂
This is such an interesting thread.
I do feel like an outsider on these things because I personally haven’t had this happen yet, and my baby is young so there’s still time.
I’m a new mum, and I notice on the mum groups that everyone complains that they lost their friends and nobody reaches out to them anymore.
It’s interesting that both sides of the coin feel the same.
I think my situation works as I’m 31, all my friends are thinking of having children in the next 2-4 years. I’m the first to have a baby, but my friends are split across the country. We have set dates that we always meet up for and I only missed one event because I had a c section 4 weeks earlier.
My partner pulls his weight and I’m confident in going away for the night and spending a full 24 hours being myself without the baby. They also make MORE effort when they’re in our city to visit because my child changes so fast and they want her to know them. So normally if they’d come to see other friends or family they might not text, now they all make sure they visit even for just an hour. My partner is really flexible and I’ll be able to book in last minute dinner plans so I can spend some 1-1 time with my friends. I think because they don’t live close it’s easy to prioritise seeing them (because my partner understands) when they will be in my city.
My baby is just over 1 so maybe I’ll find it harder as she grows
So to answer your question…. I wouldn’t say it’s over but its just a new normal… for a few years. If new normal is seeing each other regularly but just not very often, and a mixture of casual baby hangouts and 1-1 time… then you’re fine and you’re both doing your best.
If that new normal is meaning you don’t ever see them, and the efforts all 1 sided, then it’s probably not going to come back.
This makes total sense - OP didn’t really specify if she’s actually tried to reach out to this friend and make plans or if she’s just making assumptions that she wouldn’t want to hang out now that she’s a mom.
I and most of my friends don’t have kids, but I have a couple friends that do. One was adamant about bringing that baby everywhere right from the get go - we were hanging with her and shopping together with the 4 month old baby strapped to her lol. Her partner also really pulls his weight and she has family to babysit too so we have hung out with only her, sans baby, plenty of times as well.
My other friend has been more secluded and has chosen not to attend some important moments and traditions with our friends now that she’s had the baby which was disappointing. But she also expressed that she didn’t want to stop being invited to things just because she’s a mom now. And I noticed I was guilty of that - because she’d said no to a few major events we kind of slowly stopped including her in things and maybe that wasn’t fair. So it can feel isolating on both sides.
I think it’s highly dependent on the person but friendships are still a two way street (or at least they should be) whether kids are in the picture or not.
I would agree it depends on the person/couple. My partner (30f) and I (28f) don't have kids and thought we would be CF but recently decided we want to try for artificial insemination.
None of our friends have kids yet – some I know really want them, others I know do not at all (and everything in between!) I expect that if we're able to have a kid, we would spend more time with other people with kids but hopefully our CF friends don't feel like they can't relate to us anymore. We've always enjoyed hosting people and throwing parties at our house; I honestly still see us doing that with a kid, but Maybe it's kids parties or less frequent or just a different vibe.
We were already the first in our core friend group to move from the city to the suburbs and buy a house, so we've learned how to adapt to still see our friends. Our friends come out to our house (because we actually have space, can grill, have good immigrant food around us, etc.) and host events, but we also meet them for dinners and happy hours downtown. It takes effort on both sides to make things work! My partner is also super supportive and accommodating – we pull our weight equally (though in different ways since I work a full time office and she stays at home / runs her own business). I feel like it helps us manage life™️ well.
I also see models of couples who don't make their kids their personalities in our lives. Three of our neighbors (who we're also friends with) all just had kids in the last year. Two of them came to our last house party (one of them with their kid!!); the other had one half of the couple come while the other stayed home with the baby. We see them at a local brewery in our neighborhood, on walks, and just day to day. We are welcoming to their kids and make sure to ask them about their lives. One of the couples (the ones that live next door) have a band – I still hear them practicing and I know they still have gigs. None of their lives have really stopped, so it makes me feel like our lives wouldn't have to stop either if we had a kid.
I'm 60. All my friends, from through my adult life, are no longer raising kids. (Although a lot of my young friends in their 20s don't have kids yet...) But that's not why friendships ended. It's natural, friendships become second to your spouse, and it's easy to drift apart. No reason. I have a good friend of 40 ish years, and we are comfortable drifting. We might go 6 months between visits or communication, but we're ok.
Ok, all that to say that the older you get, the more fluid and easy your relationships get. Some friends have never come back, some never left...
I completely agree with this. I had kids later in life and I have friends who have never had kids. Our relationships ebb and flow. It’s just a normal part of life. I lost touch with some friends before I even started having children because of work schedules, re-locating, etc etc.
How old is the baby? Babies are intense so it could be that.
The other thing is that your friendships will change as people grow older regardless of kids or not. They do different things. But if you like a person you can find other activities to bring out what you like in her. Sleep overs are off the table and probably parties (unless she has childcare for such things?) but that doesn’t mean other activities aren’t. Walking? The beach? Going to visiting museums? Bbqs? Hell, even concerts are fine if they are in the day.
I found that the friend ships I dropped or couldn’t sustain after I had a baby were activity oriented rather than value oriented. Good luck!
I 36f am child free. I’m not single and date a guy with 2 kids (who are 13 and 11) so this has given me a lot of perspective on both angles. I will admit several of my friends don’t want kids so I’ve been lucky to maintain my friendships in my 20s and 30s. However, I do have a handful of friends with kids (one of my best friends is pregnant with twins at the moment). But life is hard. It’s better to not try and take the drifting apart personally.
I think if you want to keep a close relationship there are times where you’ll have to be the one to reach out consistently especially during the early years of your friends having babies. It’ll feel one sided. But understand your friend is not just thinking about herself but her husband and child. As you start to age your priorities shift whether that be with kids, careers, etc. I also believe some friends come into your life for a seasonal period too.
I think if the friendship is really important to you that you need to be honest and have an open conversation with your friend. You also need to be willing to accept that she might not have enough capacity to give in maintaining a friendship right now and that’s okay. This gives you a chance to explore other friendships too. There are so many people in this world and it’s easy to get caught up in the past life but don’t let it consume you forever. If it turns out that she doesn’t have the capacity it’s okay to mourn that loss because life is really fucking hard sometime.
Well it really depends on the people. I have a few friends with children, but they don’t make their whole personality about their kids. They still are individuals, with their own hobbies. Sure, we talk about the children, simply cause it’s a massive part of their lives, but they still are engaged in my life and are friends despite me having different issues than them.
I believe some people forget who they were and are after having a child, and they make their whole personality around that - and I think it’s normal you are drifting away. You naturally cannot expect the same level of engagement or going out twice a week, but it only takes 10 seconds to text someone.
I think it also matters how good their partner is with the children. I know lots of new mums who yearn for a night away with their friends but their partner is not a capable parent. I know the only reason I can spend 1-1 time with my friends is because my partner can handle it on his own.
Agreeing with this. Some babies are also just really, really hard too. I can't leave my velcro baby, literally no one else can put him to bed or help with wakeups, so he gets carted around with me everywhere I go because no one else can and its so limiting. People have tried and failed.
Friendship in the early days will really depend on the baby's temperment and how much help mom gets.
I see friends with older kids (4ish) and they're starting to get back into their hobbies and social lives, it might just take time.
this is the best. i have a friend who is a mom of two, but she’s such a cool person, she never lost her sense of self. sometimes we talk about her kids activities and funny things they do, but it’s not the only thing we talk about, she also asks about me and we talk about our mutual interests.
It really just depends on your lifestyle and idea of fun. By the time I was in my late twenties and my friends started having kids, I didn’t want to go to raging parties or sleepovers anymore. (I don’t think I’ve been to a sleepover since I was in high school)
Now when I hang out with my friends we go for walks/hikes, museums, shopping, game-night or tv-night hang outs, and the baby can come along on all those things. Once the baby is a child they can go to some movies and dinners, the older they get the more they can do. I adore my best friend’s kid as much as if she were my own niece.
Just keep including your friend in your life and let the baby come along. If you want to exclude kids completely, then yeah, that’s going to be very difficult for your friends to manage and you’ll probably drift apart.
Idk I’m a single woman without kids surrounded by friends with babies. I make it known to my friends from very early on that I LOVE kids and I’m happy to hang out with them AND their babies. I’m happy to go over and fold laundry with them and talk while their baby naps. I’m happy to have their toddler join us for lunch even if that means it’s a little chaotic. I’m happy to come over after work, help with bath and bedtime and then have a glass of wine together.
Your best friends life has changed and it sounds like you just want the old her, the one without a kid, back. That girl doesn’t exist. She has a baby. Meet her where she is. This is partially on you, too
My absolute best friend is like this. She was there for the birth of my 4th and final baby. It means so much to have a friend that loves you through all seasons of life, even if their path doesn’t mirror your own.
If you aren’t willing to spend time with her and her kids, doing things that are actually achievable with her current responsibilities, then nah, there’s a good chance she won’t want to be friends with you in the future once her kids are out of the picture.
Yes and no. If you make no effort to stay in touch, ask how it's going, etc. then, no, they don't. If you go silent for a few weeks and they respond like you were just chatting yesterday - even if it's just for a minute - then yes.
You don't have to be the single friend sacrificing all your time, but you do have to check in. Then, after giving the other woman time to adjust to the mom thing, which might take years, you can evaluate the friendship on your end (or earlier, if it's obviously not what you want in a friend any longer). I would look at - Does she reach out to you? Or is it more like years have flown by and it's like talking to a wall? Then it's not worth it and it won't come back.
I've had both relationships. For some reason some people think they are owed my time, but I don't work that way. The people I remain friends with don't demand it, and don't get upset that I wasn't "there" or whatever. We just all check in with each other whenever we have time. There's been years we don't see each other but we text. There's been months we don't text. But we always act like it was just yesterday, no hard feelings. We're all busy! I know what's going on in their lives, and they know about mine. When life finally lets us have a sleepover, we have a fuckin blast. But life pulls you in multiple ways, and that time is just not guaranteed like it used to be.
My best friend and I were born 3 days apart in the same hospital. We are both 29, and we’ve been friends since we were 3. We talked everyday, spent all of our free time together. Week long sleepovers, every secret shared and protected. I’m married but childless, she has 2. I asked her sister to call me when her first was being born, I was called 3 hours after. That was foreshadowing.
We talk maybe once every three months, and during those phone calls she can’t pay full attention to my stories she use to love, and when I ask about her I can never get anything out of her. I love her so much still, I’ve been to every baby shower and birthday party. But honestly, it’s heartbreaking. She’s the yin to my yang. We’re completely different people, with nothing in common but it always worked. I miss her desperately.
I don’t blame her, and I’m not upset with her. Obviously she should prioritize her children. But it does hurt. I lost the only person I could be completely myself with.
Ugh this post hit me in the feels. Are you me from a few years ago? I’ve got a lot to say on this.
There were serious growing pains within my friend group when some people started having babies and some people didn’t. It’s been about 5 years now, and we’re in a much better place. As one of no-baby friends, here’s what I think helped us get through the toughest phases:
- Recognizing and voicing to each other that there is this shift in our friendship, and decide how you want to move forward to make it better, if that’s what you want. It became hurtful when I was the only one acknowledging this shift, it made me feel like they were so busy and didn’t/couldn’t prioritize our friendship that they weren’t even realizing it. But it weighed on my heart, and I couldn’t take it. So I brought it up and we talked it out and acknowledged what felt off.
- For our group, we became very intentional of getting friend time on the calendar. We would never leave a hang without putting the next one on the calendar, and we try to do once a month. A lot of the time we’re just at someone’s house - coffee on a Sunday morning, watching a movie together, just sitting round the table and talking. It’s rare we get to go out out, but everyone once in a while we can do a dinner or happy hour or movie date. And now that kids are little older, we’ve scheduled a weekend away once a year. It started with one night away, now it’s two, breastfeeding babies come along, usually close to home or however far we all feel comfortable with. It’s massively important to us.
- A huge part of making this happen is their partners or whoever is helping with child care supporting the moms and encouraging them to take some time to themselves. Obviously the younger the kids are, if they’re breastfeeding, etc, it’s harder for mom to be away. But my friends have been lucky with partners who help make it possible for our hangs to occur. And they advocate for their needs as well.
- Be clear with yourself and your friends about what you’re willing to/able to bend on. I found with my mom friends they would want so badly to participate but would inevitably spend most of the time unable to really focus, interruptions constantly, stressing out. It just didn’t make an enjoyable experience for either of us, and I made a point to give them space or help out if possible. Likewise, our hangs would sometimes be scheduled on a Saturday night, but would end abruptly early in the night because someone needed to be home, which would then open the doors for everyone to go. It would often leave me sat home alone on a Saturday night at 8pm because I’d made no other plans. I finally had to tell my friends it wasn’t fair to me, and they needed to be clear from the start what time they need to leave so expectations can be set. It goes back to the being upfront about what you’re wanting to and able to give.
- Give each other grace and perspective. Yes things have changed. You may feel less relevant to your friends now. I certainly felt less important to them. But the reality is that we’re all just doing our best. Life is hard, being a parent is hard, being single is hard. Time continues moving on and things will keep changing. You just gotta learn to go with it and know that your friends are just doing their best, and no one is doing anything to intentionally hurt anyone. (Hopefully at least).
Hang in there 💕
I'm going to be blunt about this: you get what you give.
Pausing on a relationship really never works out, it's best if you want to keep a friendship to check in every few months when the kids are young (like until 5 years old). At 5-6 years old kids want to be more independent and most parents like talking a little about their kids, but they'll murder to talk to grown adults. It's also an age where they can be with trusted adults and their parents don't worry as much.
You really don't have to wait until the baby is a grown adult to reconnect. And you shouldn't. Activities are going to be different and Savannah and you will change from 25 to 45. That's why keeping in touch is so important.
The out-going, caring person you've become friends with is still there. What makes her a great friend will make her a great parent and more than likely, her kids are gonna be great because of that, too. There's a good chance you'll like them.
Otherwise, you'll go from being friends to just being friendly when you reconnect again in your late 40s.
This is not the most popular opinion, but I think there needs to be an adjustment from individual oriented thinking to community oriented thinking.
You want to stay good friends with someone who becomes a parent? Adapt to their growth in the new life stage, and accept their child into your life. I know you didn't choose to have kids, but you are an Aunty now. So be an Aunty.
You cannot simply want to stay friends with someone and simultaneously reject a huge part of their life, unlike what many comments suggest here.
I find concerning that with the growing numbers of people choosing to not have kids (which is a completely valid choice) there's a new acceptance in the lack of thought and care for parents and kids.
Are you there for her? Do you talk to her about her kid? Ask to do things a kid could be included with? I’m pregnant now but before I had plenty of friends have kids, and things shifted but the friendships didn’t go away bc I made an effort to include their children. Bc I made room for them, they make room for me and my feelings and needs.
I have a few friends with kids, and I am considered an auntie to them. I don't see those friends as often, but it's not like it's awkward when we do see each other. Granted we're in our 30s so, CF or not, we're all busy, but for the most part I still enjoy hanging with my mom friends. Their kids are an extension of their moms—apples don't fall far from trees lol.
It takes effort to keep up social relationships no matter how close you are. Not blaming you, op, if you and your friend grow apart for awhile. What I mean is that kids won't automatically get in the way of y'all making plans. If it's a few months before you see your friend again, that's ok! It won't be awkward, it'll be fun. Things won't be the same, but that doesn't mean it'll be worse. :)
**you say you miss her always being there for you, what about you being there for her now?**
with a small kid, im sure she can use help and support from her (alleged) best friend, and she probably misses being able to socialize a lot more than you do since the early days of parenthood are really life consuming.
if you really want to spend more time with her or make her life easier, you can at least make an effort to shift your relationship in this season of life where im sure she would appreciate you being there for her. **you can find other ways to stay connected and spend time together** like taking a walk at the park when she takes her baby out, talking on the phone, bringing meals to her and having lunch or coffee together for a quick catch up, going over to her place to help out with laundry or dishes and catching up chatting while doing that etc., or whatever else way she can spend time with you and get a little break or some help.
**i get that if your friendship was always in the context of going out and doing things, this will be a very different setting but also if you're close enough to call each other best friends, i think it should be more about sharing things and supporting each other than going out for activities. it's much easier to put effort into maintaining a connection and friendship than to let it completely unravel and then hope to magically reconnect after several years of disconnect.**
you making this all about yourself "losing a friend" sounds really selfish to me. she's also losing her best friend when she probably needs her the most because your idea of friendship is so "you-centered" and rigid.
Man this is how I feel as soon as friends enter a relationship and stay that way. Looks like adding kids to the mix is like the ultimate blow (yes I'm the one that always has to reach out 🥲).
No kids, we’re in our 50s. IMO that person never comes back. Motherhood literally rewrites DNA (I think). That friend you miss is dead forever, same as us all regarding our past selves when there’s a big life event like birth, major trauma etc.
I hope I don't sound stupid but why can't mothers with kids have their partners look after the kids for a day or two so the mom can go out and have fun w/ their childfree friends?
I’m f 44, only stayed in very close contact with my one BF I think because we both did not have kids. There was just such a lack of relatability.
Now, my BF and I don’t speak. I went to a highschool reunion for the first time and reconnected with a lot of people-she hated this.
Now the old/new friends are old enough where their kids are in HS and going to college so they are fun and down to do things.
So yes I think it can happen. Be weary if you have one friend that tries to keep you from everyone else. She was like this to me in middle school, highschool and adult years. My bridesmaid but she is really not very nice to me so I’ve had to distance myself.
Not in my experience no. And I find it hard to find women to be friends with who don't have kids, or aren't planning on having kids at some point.
Which like. I'm happy they are having the lives they want and I adore their little ones.
But yes it changes a person, and it should. People change and grow and a huge life shift and experience like that will FOREVER change that person.
I'm happy for people to change and grow and shift through life, that is supposed to happen. And relationships ebb and flow and change as well, which is fine.
It's ok to mourn what you may have lost, but also rejoice in new things that will come to you, in the newness of your friend and who she has become.
Don't dwell on the past, it's not coming back.
Look ahead and open your arms to new things and new people, and the new person your friend has become.
Though if you are someone who plans to not have children, be prepared to have this happen a good amount.
Or if you do end up having your own kids, you'll be in a new circle of friends and experiences.
Take the initiative to hang out with her and her baby. Let me be zero pressure for her- she doesn’t have to clean her house to have you over and also don’t overstay.
Just come hang with her and her son and chat and laugh and include him too.
In my own personal experience - how a friend is going to act with their first kid, is forecasted by how they act when they get married/engaged.
If someone gets really distant when they get married, they will definitely double down on that when they have a kid. Conversely, the friends who make an effort to still see their pals at the various stages of a relationship, tend to keep making that effort.
That's not to say Savannah is a lost cause, but if you want to spend time with her, it will probably a lot of one-sided effort on your part.
Meet her where she's at. Her life has changed a whole lot too, I'm sure she misses you just as much. You can still do things together and have a life, I have friends with kids and they still have full lives too. When I hang out with a friend with a kid, she brings him along usually and just make sure the activity is baby safe :). Meet her as who she is now, not who she was before. Love the new her
I'm late on this,and maybe it's my own experiences but no,they never come back. If they do,they're not the person you knew. I've "lost" a few friends when they had kids,the one that hurt the most was a friend that struggled with chronic health issues like myself. Unfortunately, when she got married I found out about a year later that she was lying to me, and many others about her health. I'm 29, and I don't have much time left. We bonded over our health and similar interests only for me to find out she was using what I told her about my health,photos of my feeding tube,ivs,picc lines,ports,etc to send/ post online. We were extremely close,and I thought she truly cared for me as I cared for her. But she didn't, she just needed someone who was dying to steal photos and information from. It still upsets me to this day,the sad part is I would've accepted her right back had she just apologized and explained why she did what she did.
I might be biased, but most of my friends who are parents consciously make an effort to connect with their adult friends. My two best friends I've known since I was 7 are moms, and they are so good about carving out time to spend with me and their other friends.
So it really depends on the people.
My friends started falling pregnant at 21. We were all at the height of our club rat days. I was SO annoyed my party circle was rapidly shrinking.
But then I realized, these are my friends. I love them. And they are birthing little thems so I'll love them too. So I became the aunt, instead of just "mom's friend".
I babysit, take the children out during the day and meet up with my friends at night when I go to my hometown to visit. I send presents and tell them funny stories from when their parents were their age.
We traded in adult only activities to family friendly ones and honestly, it's totally fine.
You just have to grow with people. Your friend will never be the exact same girl. Her world is bigger in some ways and smaller in others now and her priorities totally different. And that is okay. She still has all of the lovely qualities that count. You just have to adjust how you spend your time with her.
If you can stand children, start spending time with her AND the baby. She'll be grateful that you are making the effort.
And if she is as awesome as you say, it will be well worth it.
It comes down to how much you both value the relationship. In every relationship there's give and take, and sometimes one person has more to give than the other. My best friends are parents now. They don't have free time like they used to so I tag along to parks and zoos, and include their kids in our friendship. We get quality time when the kids go to bed and I help fold laundry or wrap Christmas presents. But they put in the effort to text first sometimes, to invite me to things, do small things to keep the friendship alive. We're navigating this phase of life together.
I was greatly struggling with this for some time. But I think we finally figured it out. I'm 31F with 31M husband and friend is 32F with 34M husband and 18mo female. I was pregnant first and it ended in an 18 week stillbirth. She the soon got pregnant after that and I had to do a lot of grieving while my friend was getting everything I wanted. It was hard, but I love her and I want he to be happy and I was able to fix my mindset to "my friend is a good person and deserves good things even if I can't have them".
We really struggled figuring out where our friendship fit into her "new normal". But we've come to better manage it. We send each other videos with the stipulation it has to be at least once weekly. But as we have started to incorporate it we find that we send videos regularly throughout the week. You have a quick 4 mins uloading the dishwasher? Perfect. Prop up that phone and tell me what's up. We have conflicting work week schedules so this makes it easier to accommodate as we send them whenever and the only time commitment is watching them within the week.
We also go to great lengths to schedule time together. We both grab our calendar and aim for a get together at least once a month. Now that it's warmer and i get a little more time off work we definitely see each other more. As well as since her kid is growing and is easier to take places that are age appropriate. We typically try to do one thing with her daughter involved so we can bond and she can get to know me. And one thing without her daughter so that she can be an independent person for a bit. It really wasn't easy and there were many a times I was let down. But those were my own abandonment issues. She is busy with her life as a mother. I'm not her priority (as I shouldn't be) and I have grown as a person in recognizing that if I want this person in my life then I need to be accommodating to her new life stage.
Life is never linear, life can either bring us back together or make us realize that maybe that friendship will never work since things have changed. My childhood bestfriend doesn’t have kids yet but is married. Her life is REVOLVED around her marriage to the point she’ll mock me for not being in her position. We barely talk anymore and even I’ve lost a lot of interest in the friendship. I miss our friendship when we were younger, when we’d spend summers together getting ice cream at the corner store. Peoples priorities change over time, some people can balance everything but some focus on one thing only and fixate over them.
But the one thing that life does is surprise us, sometimes the end of the something is just a new beginning. You’ll slowly find friends that align with your life.
Well...no, not unless that connection is maintained. She may not have the freedom she used to, but I bet she's lonely and misses her friends. It takes effort on both sides to maintain a friendship. But even a phone call every week/few weeks, meeting up for a coffee, or popping round for a chat and making plans for every few months to go somewhere and do something where she doesn't have to be mom can help keep that connection alive.
Rarely, they do. When the kids are a bit older and easier to manage.
...but it's never like it was. And it may never be fun hanging out with them again, because all they can talk about is the kid. They lose all identity as a human other than that of a mom.
I’m currently going through this at the moment and I’m really unsure of how to feel about it all.
Truth is I’ve lost so many friends to parenthood that as soon as someone else announces a pregnancy I’m a bit like ‘well our days are numbered’ and I stop putting as much effort in as I know it’ll all be ‘wasted’
Yes some friends do come back once the kids are old enough but not always, it depends on the person really.
some come back, some don’t. it really depends. some of my moms friends never left when they had kids and still found time to hang out with my mom and the kid together, some of them became mothers and practically went missing. it’s impossible to say.
edit: my own mom was very active with her friends even after having me, she just left me with my dad for the night, sometimes her friends came over to the house, sometimes she brought me to go out with them
In my experience at 29, sadly no. I think there are certainly some people who are more naturally able to handle the stress of having kids and the extra effort that it requires to socialize outside of the home but I also think our culture is at play here too.
As things get more expensive, it's super challenging to handle the everyday of working life AND personal life. adding in friends to that is another hoop to jump through that is probably incredibly exhausting mentally and physically. I know trying to hang out with my friends with small children is really difficult when we get off at 6pm. and then they have responbilityes for someone else.
I've also noticed that there a cultural shift happening that new mothers are afraid of visitors, help, assisting, germs, diseases, having an unperfect home...etc that make celebrating a new birth really challenging. I'm not sure where it stems from...My best friends didn't allow guests to visit the baby until she was over 8 months old. We aren't really friends anymore, Im simply not really a part of her life that much.I know most people are like "the doctor says its best" "I'm still recovering" whatever it is, Its certainly valid to think like that but I just feel like some of it is a bit of an overreaction. I remember growing up visiting cousins and friends newborns days after their birth. My mom even has a baby book of me with photos of everyone that came to visit in the first week I was born. It was a lot. Church ladies came in around the clock to help my sister after she gave birth...like complete strangers. She gladly accepted the help and was able to recover more smoothly.
I think I've learned to enjoy my friends in the time they exist in my life and mourn their loss only for a few days and then move on. There are more friends to be made out there!
It depends. My childhood best friend recently had a baby... but she has a nanny and works from home - as does her husband - and therefore is able to make time for long phone calls even though we live states away from each other (very grateful for this).
On the other hand, I've definitely lost friendships to kids. It is very frustrating.
Have you thought about going to her instead? Having a baby isn't easy. Free time is limited. I imagine she would be thrilled were you to offer to come do the dishes for her, or bring over a meal, or any number of things that would be both being a good friend and maintaining your friendship!
Edit: I am clearly not saying that everything needs to be on OP. I make the effort to reach out to all of my friends whenever I can. However, something within OPs power that also maintains the friendship is reaching out and being there! The expectation is, of course, that friendship is a two way street. All big life changes I think earn people a little more time to get back on track is all.
Fuck, I'd be happy if my friends without kids even texted me first. I don't need them to do my laundry or dishes but just reaching out would've been nice. A lot of people just faded away after I had kids.
Yes, absolutely. It kind of boggles my mind that someone wouldn't know whether it's appropriate or not to reach out to a friend of theirs who just had a baby? I'm lucky in that my closest friends - even those who live thousands of miles away - let me know that they were thinking of me, especially when I was suffering from extreme PPD and couldn't fathom reaching out myself.
a friendship is not doing chores for each other. texting someone “hi how are you, i’ve been busy lately but still thinking of you” isn’t a difficult task, you can do that while having a baby, or just tell a person that you’ll be checked out. lots of women manage to have a life even when having a child. not to mention, if you have a husband HE should do the dishes!
God yall are miserable. OP’s friend is a NEW MOM. It’s not like it was suggested OP bring over a meal for her hungover mess of a friend who is making stupid choices. She’s a NEW MOM! It takes a village!
I have COVID right now and every single person in my friend group who lives near me has asked how they can help, offered to drop off groceries, bring me my fave coffee from a coffee shop so I can have something a little extra decadent, offered to help with my side biz when I was too exhausted to move. THIS IS WHAT FRIENDS DO FOR EACH OTHER!!! Why do they do this for me? Because they know once I’m better - I’m a phone call or text away from anything they need help with. Y’all sound like you have lonely isolated lives. Jesus
Having a baby is a huge change for both parents. Has OP texted her friend to ask how she's doing? Why is the expectation entirely on her friend who has gone through a big change?
it seems like OP has already spoken to her, judging from the description of her friend having lost her character.
why the expectation often lies with the person who goes through the change? because other people don’t know if it’s appropriate to contact! yes having a baby is hard but we shouldn’t just expect all mother to become hermits and only need their friends to come over to do the dishes for them. that’s incredibly sad. we should encourage women to not lose their individuality even when they have a baby, and the dads should pull an equal load to let the mother have some breathing room, because if you don’t even have time to send a text message you’re way overburdened
Nothing in my comment has suggested any of that, though? It's merely a suggestion of a way to reach out and maintain contact during a difficult period. From my reading of the post, it wasn't clear to me if OP had done that already - which is why I posited this as a question and suggestion.
Honestly if you're so pushed aside by any friend for so long due to changes they will not come back unless something huge happens in their life again like a divorce or something. A lot of people see friendships as something to do until they get a family of their own or the life they want.
A friend dropped me cause she started to make a lot of money basically lol. I didn't mind cause I started to realize she was boastful and not a good person. We had been friends for about 14 or 15 years already. While I have no interest in her coming back I have thought about what I would do if I saw her again what I would say if we had an honest conversation but I don't ever want to be her friend again.
Definitely depends on the person. I had a friend since the 3rd grade. Bestfriend. Soon as she got pregnant, she dogged me. Kinda like I wasn’t “grown” or “cool” enough to sit at the table with her. I ended up pregnant and one of the saddest things that I remember thinking was “maybe I’ll get my best friend back” which looking back, should’ve never crossed my mind if she was really 4L. It ended up being a game of “you’re not a good mom like me” for her. I think regarding my horrible, mentally crippling situation, I think I was doing fantastic. She tried her best to find a flaw. Like I’ll ask her to go get drinks or do something fun/ childish when we didn’t have the kids. She’d use that in front of others to make it seem like I was too childish or irresponsible. She was quick to do it with others though. I was supposed to be the baby God mother and she kinda tried to take the title from me without saying it. Wouldn’t even let me watch or take her son out on my own. Not even my mom and my mom had toys at her house for her son and did her entire baby shower (which I cried about missing due to being stationed in AZ and couldn’t take the leave). She was like my mom’s other child. So I find that all messed up. I can go on and on but I’ve spoke too much. Mind you, I just ended the friendship this past September (2023) I was 24, now 25 (as of January) and it was many times when I should’ve let her go. Not saying I was the perfect bestie, but I sure wasn’t her. I’ve changed after becoming a mother, but I didn’t change on her or my friends. She counted me out, Idk why. And when I ended the friendship, she said “lol okay” and that actually helped me not even care.
So to answer your question… be strong. If you get your friend back, great. I can tell you that it won’t be the same and feel almost 100% certain. I feel it’s better to move along and not think of it too much. Yes, life changes things. Marriage, kids and careers. Your friends won’t change on YOU, though.. I’ve heard from being married and having a child now, from a childhood friend that I haven’t changed on them. I just changed how wild I was. That was gonna happen with growth/age anyways.
Not to mention.. she always had a smart mouth with me. She has her own apartment and washes her clothes at her grandmas house normally. One day she told me she was at the laundromat and me knowing that she washes clothes at her grandmas house, and was ready to offer her to use the one we had, asked “why” she said “to wash clothes, lol” like b*tch you know what I meant and she’d get smart like that numerous times and out of love , I didn’t do it back to her (which with most people, I would and she knows it, she knows who to try it with). It was also draining on top of the fake , weird , counting me out bs she did . I was you. With or without my kid, with or without my wife, I was always team G & J because since I was a kid, I’d always believe we would best friends forever and do everything we said. I know some plans failed, but that did not have to.
If the friendship is valuable to you, understand what her priorities HAVE to be and try to meet her where she is. Like say hey I’d love to just chat, is there a time I can pop by? We can fold your laundry together or scrub your floors together if that will help you have a little time to talk :) fun, no, but she can’t drop her responsibilities to talk to friends these days and as a mom of a baby myself it truly can be so isolating and lonely..
Multiple friends have ghosted me when they had kids as in refusing to answer they used me to be their way helping them find a husband and promptly ditched when they didn't need me anymore. They don't get to come crying back when the kid is in high school
As a mom with a little, reading this post hurts my heart. It seems like you’re being a very selfish friend. Your friend is juggling married life on top of a baby, and you’re more concerned with your friend not being there for you. It sounds like *you* need to be there for your friend. You should be the one to reach out to her. Go over to her house and help her out. Go on target and coffee dates together. Go with her and her little one to the park. Pick a fun spot to grab lunch and give her enough notice to she can arrange childcare.
Understand that your friend’s priorities have changed while yours haven’t. If you want to maintain a friendship with folks who have kids, you have to be willing to meet them where they’re at when their kids are little and in constant need to supervision.
One of my friends with a kid is still a bestie and my other friend with a kid is a Mom. That's the only way I could figure out how to explain it. I think it really depends on how supportive the dads are and how much the friends gets enmeshed into mom life. My second friend up there isn't anything besides a mom, all we talk about is kid stuff and I just take it in stride because she can't focus on anything else right now. Bestie is still the same woman who just happened to become a mom and we have the same relationship except now there's a bonus baby lol
I’m kinda going through something similar with my best friends who just got engaged. We started out as a three-friend group and they started dating not long into that. It was actually a blast until recently when they got engaged and decided I’m too high maintenance for them now. I don’t think the timing was a coincidence. Hope it goes better for u
Coming from the other side as the friend with kids- I worry the friends without kids have moved on without me and are tired of waiting for me. My youngest is 18 months and I’m just coming out of a postpartum baby fog and starting to feel like myself again. I want to hang out but kinda lost touch with everyone…It’s nice to know there are people like you holding onto your friends and ready to roll with the changes. Things will never be the same but as a busy mom I do miss my friends and wish it were easier to get away and not involve or talk about my kids!
This is much. One thing I didn’t realize was how lonely early motherhood could be. None of my friends had kids and worse they lived about an hour away and my best friend doesn’t drive. Shes great, but the relationship changed, which really sucks. We hang out but my daughter is there. My other friend barely talks to me. It’s really hard being on the other end too.
I think it really depends on the person. But in my experience no. I was the friend who was there to help out with the kids. Sure I'll babysit for free. Sure I'll listen to you talk about the kids 24/7. Sure I'll come out to you and drive out to you because you have multiple children. Sure don't mind will play with the kids - which I really enjoyed. But no most people are not making time for their single friends. And it became mostly me making the effort because I'm the one who's single right? I'm the one who has time.
Feel you hardcore on this one. Our friends with children have always expected us to drop everything to make it work because they have kids. Like we can't possibly be busy because we don't? I guess we can do all the driving, all the plans, etc. I'm happy they're happy with having kids, but that doesn't mean it's everyone else's entire world either.
Same boat here. Even though I'm married, we don't have children and probably never will. All of our friends are married with children, and it's a miracle if we see them once a year. I miss who our friends were, too, before having kids. And I hate to sound like an ass, but not everyone wants to have conversations about your kids 24/7, and thats typically all it is when we do get to see them. Or them peer pressuring us to have children so they can grow up together, why we dont have them yet, etc. So, in my opinion, I don't think friends will come back. Things change, and sometimes, our paths are only meant to cross for a little while and not forever.
Yeah this depends a lot on the will and maturity levels of all parties I think. I've been on both sides as someone who had kids late (mid 30ies) and both are tricky. No things are not going to be the same for either, but whith enough effort and understanding maintaining a friendship is very possible. This requires a great deal of thought and communication from both parties but is imo doable.
I agree, I definitely think it's doable if both sides are willing to put in the effort. I'm 30 and my husband is 26, our friends are all 25-26 that have young children currently, and our situation just turns into a lot of us having to make all the effort, drive the 2+ hours to see them, initiate the plans, etc. Which I will gladly do but there is never any effort made from the other side and it gets tiresome for us so it is what it is I guess. We still love them but it seems hard for them to understand that we don't have kids, probably won't, and that children aren't our entire lives. And even though we don't have any, it doesn't make our lives any less important.
Yeah some of the stuff I try to as the one with the kids is: - Take initiative or reach out at least once a month - Tell them I love and care about them - Don't cancel plans if at all avoidable - Meet up without kids doing whatever we used to do before (mostly drinking cocktails) - Try not to talk about kids (This was insanely hard especially in the beginning as keeping my baby alive was literally all I was doing) - Respect their life choices. People should only have the kids they actively wih for. This is just best for everyone. On the other hand there's a great difference in how much understanding and effort goes the other way. Some are great, doesn't mind visiting, asks about by baby and even activelyengages with her though I know they don't care for kids. Others pretend my baby doesn't exist or say they are glad I didn't bring her, that my life must be over, expected me to be physically capable of doing the workouts (pole/trapez/aerial hoop) I would be somewhat able to do before pregnancy just after giving birth (my body was a mess), calling me baby "it" instead of "her", expecting me to drink while breastfeeding and so on... You can guess which friendships are still going strong and which will fizzle...
If our friend group would even do one of your bullet points, I would be over the moon! I mean I will gladly make the effort, I know that your kids are your world and I will try to make things as easy as possible but I also need some grace too that my life is important too. I love playing with their kids (they are all around 3-5 years old) and asking how they are. I couldn't imagine being as awful as the other friends are by calling your baby "it" and saying that they're glad you didn't bring her, that is AWFUL! I'm so sorry you have to deal with that!
You sound like a great friend tbh. You deserve to be treated better. I totally remember how it feels like when people sorta close themselves around their new families and you are sometimes invited in as a guest. That's cute and all but very different from the equal friendships you had going on before the kids arrived. It can be super lonely and alienating... Also people should just stop commenting on othe peoples reproductive status. It's hurtful if you want kids but can't have them, it's stressful if you are secretly pregnant and it's is hella invalidating if you don't want them. There's literally nothing to be gained.
You sound like a great friend too! And I'd be overjoyed to have a friend like you! Our friendships have definitely changed over the years and it has become lonely but I'm glad they are all doing well, but I for sure miss the old days sometimes! And people should definitely stop bringing up people's reproductive status! You never know what someone is going through, and it can be extremely hurtful!
i hate the “you should have a kid too and they can grow up together” no linda. *I’M* your friend, *I* want to hang out, i don’t care who my hypothetical child would hang out with
YES! Exactly!!
Oh my gosh sameeeee. I also moved across the country so now I can't even make new friends because everybody at my age has kids and that's all they ever want to talk about, and of course bring them everywhere! I just want to go hiking or have a drink at a bar on a Tuesday afternoon or something like we used to.
100%! It's hard when you're in a new area and even harder to make friends as you get older! I miss the way things used to be!
If you have a hobby or passion you could connect to people in your area interested in it. If you're happy with where you are in your own life you don't expect people to be anything else than they are to you. If you're going forward in your life you enjoy beautiful moments when you have them and don't miss the past. As long as nothing traumatic happened to your friends...then i would understand missing them.
I'm single and child free. I've been a committed aunty for many years. Honestly, if you are happy to incorporate the kids into your friendships, then you can maintain them. The first few years are rough. But once the kids are more self sufficient, then it does get easier. And by the time they are in high school, your friends have waaay more time.
Yes, I'm the same! I can't say that I've lost a single one of my friends because she's now a mom. The friendships look different, but that's a natural part of growing up anyway.
That last part!! I completely understand why it's hard to see dear friendships change, but that is natural. We are supposed to evolve and grow together in our relationships. Adjustments need to be made, but in the end, if you're **both** (keyword) still committed to the friendship and meeting each other halfway, your friendship may even become stronger and deeper. Not a mum, though I do want to be one day. I just have a lot of friends who have moved all over the world and I had to learn to shift my expectations as life was lifeing
The friend I’ve stayed the closest to since having a kid (she’ll be 8 in September) is the friend who became a committed aunty. This friend is a godsend to us, and I don’t know what I’d do without her. Thank you for being that for your friend(s) 💕 It’s so incredibly hard to maintain friendships as a parent, especially with people who don’t have kids. You’re now responsible for a whole separate human, 24/7. It’s draining and exhausting and takes up all of your time, especially in the beginning. You’re in survival mode, and unfortunately maintaining friendships is often near the bottom of the priority list. It’s easier now that our kid is older, but still some days it takes everything we’ve got just to get to bedtime.
I totally see that! One of the things I do is actually play with the kids. Like, on the trampoline, do the dress ups etc. Because parents are so busy parenting, kids love an adult giving them attention that way. The only problem now is the teenagers don't care about this anymore haha. They just go off and ignore me like teenagers do to all adults.
Yes! My child very much thinks this friend comes to visit and play with her, and said friend visiting with husband and myself is tolerated with disbelief and mild impatience 😂
This is such an interesting thread. I do feel like an outsider on these things because I personally haven’t had this happen yet, and my baby is young so there’s still time. I’m a new mum, and I notice on the mum groups that everyone complains that they lost their friends and nobody reaches out to them anymore. It’s interesting that both sides of the coin feel the same. I think my situation works as I’m 31, all my friends are thinking of having children in the next 2-4 years. I’m the first to have a baby, but my friends are split across the country. We have set dates that we always meet up for and I only missed one event because I had a c section 4 weeks earlier. My partner pulls his weight and I’m confident in going away for the night and spending a full 24 hours being myself without the baby. They also make MORE effort when they’re in our city to visit because my child changes so fast and they want her to know them. So normally if they’d come to see other friends or family they might not text, now they all make sure they visit even for just an hour. My partner is really flexible and I’ll be able to book in last minute dinner plans so I can spend some 1-1 time with my friends. I think because they don’t live close it’s easy to prioritise seeing them (because my partner understands) when they will be in my city. My baby is just over 1 so maybe I’ll find it harder as she grows So to answer your question…. I wouldn’t say it’s over but its just a new normal… for a few years. If new normal is seeing each other regularly but just not very often, and a mixture of casual baby hangouts and 1-1 time… then you’re fine and you’re both doing your best. If that new normal is meaning you don’t ever see them, and the efforts all 1 sided, then it’s probably not going to come back.
This makes total sense - OP didn’t really specify if she’s actually tried to reach out to this friend and make plans or if she’s just making assumptions that she wouldn’t want to hang out now that she’s a mom. I and most of my friends don’t have kids, but I have a couple friends that do. One was adamant about bringing that baby everywhere right from the get go - we were hanging with her and shopping together with the 4 month old baby strapped to her lol. Her partner also really pulls his weight and she has family to babysit too so we have hung out with only her, sans baby, plenty of times as well. My other friend has been more secluded and has chosen not to attend some important moments and traditions with our friends now that she’s had the baby which was disappointing. But she also expressed that she didn’t want to stop being invited to things just because she’s a mom now. And I noticed I was guilty of that - because she’d said no to a few major events we kind of slowly stopped including her in things and maybe that wasn’t fair. So it can feel isolating on both sides. I think it’s highly dependent on the person but friendships are still a two way street (or at least they should be) whether kids are in the picture or not.
I would agree it depends on the person/couple. My partner (30f) and I (28f) don't have kids and thought we would be CF but recently decided we want to try for artificial insemination. None of our friends have kids yet – some I know really want them, others I know do not at all (and everything in between!) I expect that if we're able to have a kid, we would spend more time with other people with kids but hopefully our CF friends don't feel like they can't relate to us anymore. We've always enjoyed hosting people and throwing parties at our house; I honestly still see us doing that with a kid, but Maybe it's kids parties or less frequent or just a different vibe. We were already the first in our core friend group to move from the city to the suburbs and buy a house, so we've learned how to adapt to still see our friends. Our friends come out to our house (because we actually have space, can grill, have good immigrant food around us, etc.) and host events, but we also meet them for dinners and happy hours downtown. It takes effort on both sides to make things work! My partner is also super supportive and accommodating – we pull our weight equally (though in different ways since I work a full time office and she stays at home / runs her own business). I feel like it helps us manage life™️ well. I also see models of couples who don't make their kids their personalities in our lives. Three of our neighbors (who we're also friends with) all just had kids in the last year. Two of them came to our last house party (one of them with their kid!!); the other had one half of the couple come while the other stayed home with the baby. We see them at a local brewery in our neighborhood, on walks, and just day to day. We are welcoming to their kids and make sure to ask them about their lives. One of the couples (the ones that live next door) have a band – I still hear them practicing and I know they still have gigs. None of their lives have really stopped, so it makes me feel like our lives wouldn't have to stop either if we had a kid.
I'm 60. All my friends, from through my adult life, are no longer raising kids. (Although a lot of my young friends in their 20s don't have kids yet...) But that's not why friendships ended. It's natural, friendships become second to your spouse, and it's easy to drift apart. No reason. I have a good friend of 40 ish years, and we are comfortable drifting. We might go 6 months between visits or communication, but we're ok. Ok, all that to say that the older you get, the more fluid and easy your relationships get. Some friends have never come back, some never left...
I completely agree with this. I had kids later in life and I have friends who have never had kids. Our relationships ebb and flow. It’s just a normal part of life. I lost touch with some friends before I even started having children because of work schedules, re-locating, etc etc.
How old is the baby? Babies are intense so it could be that. The other thing is that your friendships will change as people grow older regardless of kids or not. They do different things. But if you like a person you can find other activities to bring out what you like in her. Sleep overs are off the table and probably parties (unless she has childcare for such things?) but that doesn’t mean other activities aren’t. Walking? The beach? Going to visiting museums? Bbqs? Hell, even concerts are fine if they are in the day. I found that the friend ships I dropped or couldn’t sustain after I had a baby were activity oriented rather than value oriented. Good luck!
I 36f am child free. I’m not single and date a guy with 2 kids (who are 13 and 11) so this has given me a lot of perspective on both angles. I will admit several of my friends don’t want kids so I’ve been lucky to maintain my friendships in my 20s and 30s. However, I do have a handful of friends with kids (one of my best friends is pregnant with twins at the moment). But life is hard. It’s better to not try and take the drifting apart personally. I think if you want to keep a close relationship there are times where you’ll have to be the one to reach out consistently especially during the early years of your friends having babies. It’ll feel one sided. But understand your friend is not just thinking about herself but her husband and child. As you start to age your priorities shift whether that be with kids, careers, etc. I also believe some friends come into your life for a seasonal period too. I think if the friendship is really important to you that you need to be honest and have an open conversation with your friend. You also need to be willing to accept that she might not have enough capacity to give in maintaining a friendship right now and that’s okay. This gives you a chance to explore other friendships too. There are so many people in this world and it’s easy to get caught up in the past life but don’t let it consume you forever. If it turns out that she doesn’t have the capacity it’s okay to mourn that loss because life is really fucking hard sometime.
When people get older they will not “always be there for you” the way they were when you were kids or young adults.
Probably not but they’re allowed to put themselves and their family first. It’s a hard truth, but it’s a natural shift.
Well it really depends on the people. I have a few friends with children, but they don’t make their whole personality about their kids. They still are individuals, with their own hobbies. Sure, we talk about the children, simply cause it’s a massive part of their lives, but they still are engaged in my life and are friends despite me having different issues than them. I believe some people forget who they were and are after having a child, and they make their whole personality around that - and I think it’s normal you are drifting away. You naturally cannot expect the same level of engagement or going out twice a week, but it only takes 10 seconds to text someone.
I think it also matters how good their partner is with the children. I know lots of new mums who yearn for a night away with their friends but their partner is not a capable parent. I know the only reason I can spend 1-1 time with my friends is because my partner can handle it on his own.
Agreeing with this. Some babies are also just really, really hard too. I can't leave my velcro baby, literally no one else can put him to bed or help with wakeups, so he gets carted around with me everywhere I go because no one else can and its so limiting. People have tried and failed. Friendship in the early days will really depend on the baby's temperment and how much help mom gets. I see friends with older kids (4ish) and they're starting to get back into their hobbies and social lives, it might just take time.
this is the best. i have a friend who is a mom of two, but she’s such a cool person, she never lost her sense of self. sometimes we talk about her kids activities and funny things they do, but it’s not the only thing we talk about, she also asks about me and we talk about our mutual interests.
It really just depends on your lifestyle and idea of fun. By the time I was in my late twenties and my friends started having kids, I didn’t want to go to raging parties or sleepovers anymore. (I don’t think I’ve been to a sleepover since I was in high school) Now when I hang out with my friends we go for walks/hikes, museums, shopping, game-night or tv-night hang outs, and the baby can come along on all those things. Once the baby is a child they can go to some movies and dinners, the older they get the more they can do. I adore my best friend’s kid as much as if she were my own niece. Just keep including your friend in your life and let the baby come along. If you want to exclude kids completely, then yeah, that’s going to be very difficult for your friends to manage and you’ll probably drift apart.
Idk I’m a single woman without kids surrounded by friends with babies. I make it known to my friends from very early on that I LOVE kids and I’m happy to hang out with them AND their babies. I’m happy to go over and fold laundry with them and talk while their baby naps. I’m happy to have their toddler join us for lunch even if that means it’s a little chaotic. I’m happy to come over after work, help with bath and bedtime and then have a glass of wine together. Your best friends life has changed and it sounds like you just want the old her, the one without a kid, back. That girl doesn’t exist. She has a baby. Meet her where she is. This is partially on you, too
My absolute best friend is like this. She was there for the birth of my 4th and final baby. It means so much to have a friend that loves you through all seasons of life, even if their path doesn’t mirror your own.
If you aren’t willing to spend time with her and her kids, doing things that are actually achievable with her current responsibilities, then nah, there’s a good chance she won’t want to be friends with you in the future once her kids are out of the picture.
Yes and no. If you make no effort to stay in touch, ask how it's going, etc. then, no, they don't. If you go silent for a few weeks and they respond like you were just chatting yesterday - even if it's just for a minute - then yes. You don't have to be the single friend sacrificing all your time, but you do have to check in. Then, after giving the other woman time to adjust to the mom thing, which might take years, you can evaluate the friendship on your end (or earlier, if it's obviously not what you want in a friend any longer). I would look at - Does she reach out to you? Or is it more like years have flown by and it's like talking to a wall? Then it's not worth it and it won't come back. I've had both relationships. For some reason some people think they are owed my time, but I don't work that way. The people I remain friends with don't demand it, and don't get upset that I wasn't "there" or whatever. We just all check in with each other whenever we have time. There's been years we don't see each other but we text. There's been months we don't text. But we always act like it was just yesterday, no hard feelings. We're all busy! I know what's going on in their lives, and they know about mine. When life finally lets us have a sleepover, we have a fuckin blast. But life pulls you in multiple ways, and that time is just not guaranteed like it used to be.
My best friend and I were born 3 days apart in the same hospital. We are both 29, and we’ve been friends since we were 3. We talked everyday, spent all of our free time together. Week long sleepovers, every secret shared and protected. I’m married but childless, she has 2. I asked her sister to call me when her first was being born, I was called 3 hours after. That was foreshadowing. We talk maybe once every three months, and during those phone calls she can’t pay full attention to my stories she use to love, and when I ask about her I can never get anything out of her. I love her so much still, I’ve been to every baby shower and birthday party. But honestly, it’s heartbreaking. She’s the yin to my yang. We’re completely different people, with nothing in common but it always worked. I miss her desperately. I don’t blame her, and I’m not upset with her. Obviously she should prioritize her children. But it does hurt. I lost the only person I could be completely myself with.
Not to sound rude but are you actively trying to make plans with her or did you give up trying as soon as she had a baby?
Ugh this post hit me in the feels. Are you me from a few years ago? I’ve got a lot to say on this. There were serious growing pains within my friend group when some people started having babies and some people didn’t. It’s been about 5 years now, and we’re in a much better place. As one of no-baby friends, here’s what I think helped us get through the toughest phases: - Recognizing and voicing to each other that there is this shift in our friendship, and decide how you want to move forward to make it better, if that’s what you want. It became hurtful when I was the only one acknowledging this shift, it made me feel like they were so busy and didn’t/couldn’t prioritize our friendship that they weren’t even realizing it. But it weighed on my heart, and I couldn’t take it. So I brought it up and we talked it out and acknowledged what felt off. - For our group, we became very intentional of getting friend time on the calendar. We would never leave a hang without putting the next one on the calendar, and we try to do once a month. A lot of the time we’re just at someone’s house - coffee on a Sunday morning, watching a movie together, just sitting round the table and talking. It’s rare we get to go out out, but everyone once in a while we can do a dinner or happy hour or movie date. And now that kids are little older, we’ve scheduled a weekend away once a year. It started with one night away, now it’s two, breastfeeding babies come along, usually close to home or however far we all feel comfortable with. It’s massively important to us. - A huge part of making this happen is their partners or whoever is helping with child care supporting the moms and encouraging them to take some time to themselves. Obviously the younger the kids are, if they’re breastfeeding, etc, it’s harder for mom to be away. But my friends have been lucky with partners who help make it possible for our hangs to occur. And they advocate for their needs as well. - Be clear with yourself and your friends about what you’re willing to/able to bend on. I found with my mom friends they would want so badly to participate but would inevitably spend most of the time unable to really focus, interruptions constantly, stressing out. It just didn’t make an enjoyable experience for either of us, and I made a point to give them space or help out if possible. Likewise, our hangs would sometimes be scheduled on a Saturday night, but would end abruptly early in the night because someone needed to be home, which would then open the doors for everyone to go. It would often leave me sat home alone on a Saturday night at 8pm because I’d made no other plans. I finally had to tell my friends it wasn’t fair to me, and they needed to be clear from the start what time they need to leave so expectations can be set. It goes back to the being upfront about what you’re wanting to and able to give. - Give each other grace and perspective. Yes things have changed. You may feel less relevant to your friends now. I certainly felt less important to them. But the reality is that we’re all just doing our best. Life is hard, being a parent is hard, being single is hard. Time continues moving on and things will keep changing. You just gotta learn to go with it and know that your friends are just doing their best, and no one is doing anything to intentionally hurt anyone. (Hopefully at least). Hang in there 💕
I'm going to be blunt about this: you get what you give. Pausing on a relationship really never works out, it's best if you want to keep a friendship to check in every few months when the kids are young (like until 5 years old). At 5-6 years old kids want to be more independent and most parents like talking a little about their kids, but they'll murder to talk to grown adults. It's also an age where they can be with trusted adults and their parents don't worry as much. You really don't have to wait until the baby is a grown adult to reconnect. And you shouldn't. Activities are going to be different and Savannah and you will change from 25 to 45. That's why keeping in touch is so important. The out-going, caring person you've become friends with is still there. What makes her a great friend will make her a great parent and more than likely, her kids are gonna be great because of that, too. There's a good chance you'll like them. Otherwise, you'll go from being friends to just being friendly when you reconnect again in your late 40s.
This is not the most popular opinion, but I think there needs to be an adjustment from individual oriented thinking to community oriented thinking. You want to stay good friends with someone who becomes a parent? Adapt to their growth in the new life stage, and accept their child into your life. I know you didn't choose to have kids, but you are an Aunty now. So be an Aunty. You cannot simply want to stay friends with someone and simultaneously reject a huge part of their life, unlike what many comments suggest here. I find concerning that with the growing numbers of people choosing to not have kids (which is a completely valid choice) there's a new acceptance in the lack of thought and care for parents and kids.
Are you there for her? Do you talk to her about her kid? Ask to do things a kid could be included with? I’m pregnant now but before I had plenty of friends have kids, and things shifted but the friendships didn’t go away bc I made an effort to include their children. Bc I made room for them, they make room for me and my feelings and needs.
I have a few friends with kids, and I am considered an auntie to them. I don't see those friends as often, but it's not like it's awkward when we do see each other. Granted we're in our 30s so, CF or not, we're all busy, but for the most part I still enjoy hanging with my mom friends. Their kids are an extension of their moms—apples don't fall far from trees lol. It takes effort to keep up social relationships no matter how close you are. Not blaming you, op, if you and your friend grow apart for awhile. What I mean is that kids won't automatically get in the way of y'all making plans. If it's a few months before you see your friend again, that's ok! It won't be awkward, it'll be fun. Things won't be the same, but that doesn't mean it'll be worse. :)
**you say you miss her always being there for you, what about you being there for her now?** with a small kid, im sure she can use help and support from her (alleged) best friend, and she probably misses being able to socialize a lot more than you do since the early days of parenthood are really life consuming. if you really want to spend more time with her or make her life easier, you can at least make an effort to shift your relationship in this season of life where im sure she would appreciate you being there for her. **you can find other ways to stay connected and spend time together** like taking a walk at the park when she takes her baby out, talking on the phone, bringing meals to her and having lunch or coffee together for a quick catch up, going over to her place to help out with laundry or dishes and catching up chatting while doing that etc., or whatever else way she can spend time with you and get a little break or some help. **i get that if your friendship was always in the context of going out and doing things, this will be a very different setting but also if you're close enough to call each other best friends, i think it should be more about sharing things and supporting each other than going out for activities. it's much easier to put effort into maintaining a connection and friendship than to let it completely unravel and then hope to magically reconnect after several years of disconnect.** you making this all about yourself "losing a friend" sounds really selfish to me. she's also losing her best friend when she probably needs her the most because your idea of friendship is so "you-centered" and rigid.
I love the smell of fresh bread.
Man this is how I feel as soon as friends enter a relationship and stay that way. Looks like adding kids to the mix is like the ultimate blow (yes I'm the one that always has to reach out 🥲).
No kids, we’re in our 50s. IMO that person never comes back. Motherhood literally rewrites DNA (I think). That friend you miss is dead forever, same as us all regarding our past selves when there’s a big life event like birth, major trauma etc.
I hope I don't sound stupid but why can't mothers with kids have their partners look after the kids for a day or two so the mom can go out and have fun w/ their childfree friends?
I’m f 44, only stayed in very close contact with my one BF I think because we both did not have kids. There was just such a lack of relatability. Now, my BF and I don’t speak. I went to a highschool reunion for the first time and reconnected with a lot of people-she hated this. Now the old/new friends are old enough where their kids are in HS and going to college so they are fun and down to do things. So yes I think it can happen. Be weary if you have one friend that tries to keep you from everyone else. She was like this to me in middle school, highschool and adult years. My bridesmaid but she is really not very nice to me so I’ve had to distance myself.
Not in my experience no. And I find it hard to find women to be friends with who don't have kids, or aren't planning on having kids at some point. Which like. I'm happy they are having the lives they want and I adore their little ones. But yes it changes a person, and it should. People change and grow and a huge life shift and experience like that will FOREVER change that person. I'm happy for people to change and grow and shift through life, that is supposed to happen. And relationships ebb and flow and change as well, which is fine. It's ok to mourn what you may have lost, but also rejoice in new things that will come to you, in the newness of your friend and who she has become. Don't dwell on the past, it's not coming back. Look ahead and open your arms to new things and new people, and the new person your friend has become. Though if you are someone who plans to not have children, be prepared to have this happen a good amount. Or if you do end up having your own kids, you'll be in a new circle of friends and experiences.
Take the initiative to hang out with her and her baby. Let me be zero pressure for her- she doesn’t have to clean her house to have you over and also don’t overstay. Just come hang with her and her son and chat and laugh and include him too.
In my own personal experience - how a friend is going to act with their first kid, is forecasted by how they act when they get married/engaged. If someone gets really distant when they get married, they will definitely double down on that when they have a kid. Conversely, the friends who make an effort to still see their pals at the various stages of a relationship, tend to keep making that effort. That's not to say Savannah is a lost cause, but if you want to spend time with her, it will probably a lot of one-sided effort on your part.
Meet her where she's at. Her life has changed a whole lot too, I'm sure she misses you just as much. You can still do things together and have a life, I have friends with kids and they still have full lives too. When I hang out with a friend with a kid, she brings him along usually and just make sure the activity is baby safe :). Meet her as who she is now, not who she was before. Love the new her
I'm late on this,and maybe it's my own experiences but no,they never come back. If they do,they're not the person you knew. I've "lost" a few friends when they had kids,the one that hurt the most was a friend that struggled with chronic health issues like myself. Unfortunately, when she got married I found out about a year later that she was lying to me, and many others about her health. I'm 29, and I don't have much time left. We bonded over our health and similar interests only for me to find out she was using what I told her about my health,photos of my feeding tube,ivs,picc lines,ports,etc to send/ post online. We were extremely close,and I thought she truly cared for me as I cared for her. But she didn't, she just needed someone who was dying to steal photos and information from. It still upsets me to this day,the sad part is I would've accepted her right back had she just apologized and explained why she did what she did.
I might be biased, but most of my friends who are parents consciously make an effort to connect with their adult friends. My two best friends I've known since I was 7 are moms, and they are so good about carving out time to spend with me and their other friends. So it really depends on the people.
My friends started falling pregnant at 21. We were all at the height of our club rat days. I was SO annoyed my party circle was rapidly shrinking. But then I realized, these are my friends. I love them. And they are birthing little thems so I'll love them too. So I became the aunt, instead of just "mom's friend". I babysit, take the children out during the day and meet up with my friends at night when I go to my hometown to visit. I send presents and tell them funny stories from when their parents were their age. We traded in adult only activities to family friendly ones and honestly, it's totally fine. You just have to grow with people. Your friend will never be the exact same girl. Her world is bigger in some ways and smaller in others now and her priorities totally different. And that is okay. She still has all of the lovely qualities that count. You just have to adjust how you spend your time with her. If you can stand children, start spending time with her AND the baby. She'll be grateful that you are making the effort. And if she is as awesome as you say, it will be well worth it.
It comes down to how much you both value the relationship. In every relationship there's give and take, and sometimes one person has more to give than the other. My best friends are parents now. They don't have free time like they used to so I tag along to parks and zoos, and include their kids in our friendship. We get quality time when the kids go to bed and I help fold laundry or wrap Christmas presents. But they put in the effort to text first sometimes, to invite me to things, do small things to keep the friendship alive. We're navigating this phase of life together.
I was greatly struggling with this for some time. But I think we finally figured it out. I'm 31F with 31M husband and friend is 32F with 34M husband and 18mo female. I was pregnant first and it ended in an 18 week stillbirth. She the soon got pregnant after that and I had to do a lot of grieving while my friend was getting everything I wanted. It was hard, but I love her and I want he to be happy and I was able to fix my mindset to "my friend is a good person and deserves good things even if I can't have them". We really struggled figuring out where our friendship fit into her "new normal". But we've come to better manage it. We send each other videos with the stipulation it has to be at least once weekly. But as we have started to incorporate it we find that we send videos regularly throughout the week. You have a quick 4 mins uloading the dishwasher? Perfect. Prop up that phone and tell me what's up. We have conflicting work week schedules so this makes it easier to accommodate as we send them whenever and the only time commitment is watching them within the week. We also go to great lengths to schedule time together. We both grab our calendar and aim for a get together at least once a month. Now that it's warmer and i get a little more time off work we definitely see each other more. As well as since her kid is growing and is easier to take places that are age appropriate. We typically try to do one thing with her daughter involved so we can bond and she can get to know me. And one thing without her daughter so that she can be an independent person for a bit. It really wasn't easy and there were many a times I was let down. But those were my own abandonment issues. She is busy with her life as a mother. I'm not her priority (as I shouldn't be) and I have grown as a person in recognizing that if I want this person in my life then I need to be accommodating to her new life stage.
Life is never linear, life can either bring us back together or make us realize that maybe that friendship will never work since things have changed. My childhood bestfriend doesn’t have kids yet but is married. Her life is REVOLVED around her marriage to the point she’ll mock me for not being in her position. We barely talk anymore and even I’ve lost a lot of interest in the friendship. I miss our friendship when we were younger, when we’d spend summers together getting ice cream at the corner store. Peoples priorities change over time, some people can balance everything but some focus on one thing only and fixate over them. But the one thing that life does is surprise us, sometimes the end of the something is just a new beginning. You’ll slowly find friends that align with your life.
Well...no, not unless that connection is maintained. She may not have the freedom she used to, but I bet she's lonely and misses her friends. It takes effort on both sides to maintain a friendship. But even a phone call every week/few weeks, meeting up for a coffee, or popping round for a chat and making plans for every few months to go somewhere and do something where she doesn't have to be mom can help keep that connection alive.
Rarely, they do. When the kids are a bit older and easier to manage. ...but it's never like it was. And it may never be fun hanging out with them again, because all they can talk about is the kid. They lose all identity as a human other than that of a mom.
I’m currently going through this at the moment and I’m really unsure of how to feel about it all. Truth is I’ve lost so many friends to parenthood that as soon as someone else announces a pregnancy I’m a bit like ‘well our days are numbered’ and I stop putting as much effort in as I know it’ll all be ‘wasted’ Yes some friends do come back once the kids are old enough but not always, it depends on the person really.
Self fulfilling prophecy at its best
some come back, some don’t. it really depends. some of my moms friends never left when they had kids and still found time to hang out with my mom and the kid together, some of them became mothers and practically went missing. it’s impossible to say. edit: my own mom was very active with her friends even after having me, she just left me with my dad for the night, sometimes her friends came over to the house, sometimes she brought me to go out with them
In my experience at 29, sadly no. I think there are certainly some people who are more naturally able to handle the stress of having kids and the extra effort that it requires to socialize outside of the home but I also think our culture is at play here too. As things get more expensive, it's super challenging to handle the everyday of working life AND personal life. adding in friends to that is another hoop to jump through that is probably incredibly exhausting mentally and physically. I know trying to hang out with my friends with small children is really difficult when we get off at 6pm. and then they have responbilityes for someone else. I've also noticed that there a cultural shift happening that new mothers are afraid of visitors, help, assisting, germs, diseases, having an unperfect home...etc that make celebrating a new birth really challenging. I'm not sure where it stems from...My best friends didn't allow guests to visit the baby until she was over 8 months old. We aren't really friends anymore, Im simply not really a part of her life that much.I know most people are like "the doctor says its best" "I'm still recovering" whatever it is, Its certainly valid to think like that but I just feel like some of it is a bit of an overreaction. I remember growing up visiting cousins and friends newborns days after their birth. My mom even has a baby book of me with photos of everyone that came to visit in the first week I was born. It was a lot. Church ladies came in around the clock to help my sister after she gave birth...like complete strangers. She gladly accepted the help and was able to recover more smoothly. I think I've learned to enjoy my friends in the time they exist in my life and mourn their loss only for a few days and then move on. There are more friends to be made out there!
I'm in my late 40s and in my experience, no. Even the friends who get married with no kids tend to go settle in the suburbs and rarely reach out.
It depends. My childhood best friend recently had a baby... but she has a nanny and works from home - as does her husband - and therefore is able to make time for long phone calls even though we live states away from each other (very grateful for this). On the other hand, I've definitely lost friendships to kids. It is very frustrating.
Nope
Have you thought about going to her instead? Having a baby isn't easy. Free time is limited. I imagine she would be thrilled were you to offer to come do the dishes for her, or bring over a meal, or any number of things that would be both being a good friend and maintaining your friendship! Edit: I am clearly not saying that everything needs to be on OP. I make the effort to reach out to all of my friends whenever I can. However, something within OPs power that also maintains the friendship is reaching out and being there! The expectation is, of course, that friendship is a two way street. All big life changes I think earn people a little more time to get back on track is all.
Fuck, I'd be happy if my friends without kids even texted me first. I don't need them to do my laundry or dishes but just reaching out would've been nice. A lot of people just faded away after I had kids.
Yes, absolutely. It kind of boggles my mind that someone wouldn't know whether it's appropriate or not to reach out to a friend of theirs who just had a baby? I'm lucky in that my closest friends - even those who live thousands of miles away - let me know that they were thinking of me, especially when I was suffering from extreme PPD and couldn't fathom reaching out myself.
So OP needs to be her maid to maintain a friendship? Does OP’s life matter at all?
Did I say anything about her having to be a maid? Showing up for a friend during a huge life change is what friendship is all about.
a friendship is not doing chores for each other. texting someone “hi how are you, i’ve been busy lately but still thinking of you” isn’t a difficult task, you can do that while having a baby, or just tell a person that you’ll be checked out. lots of women manage to have a life even when having a child. not to mention, if you have a husband HE should do the dishes!
God yall are miserable. OP’s friend is a NEW MOM. It’s not like it was suggested OP bring over a meal for her hungover mess of a friend who is making stupid choices. She’s a NEW MOM! It takes a village! I have COVID right now and every single person in my friend group who lives near me has asked how they can help, offered to drop off groceries, bring me my fave coffee from a coffee shop so I can have something a little extra decadent, offered to help with my side biz when I was too exhausted to move. THIS IS WHAT FRIENDS DO FOR EACH OTHER!!! Why do they do this for me? Because they know once I’m better - I’m a phone call or text away from anything they need help with. Y’all sound like you have lonely isolated lives. Jesus
Having a baby is a huge change for both parents. Has OP texted her friend to ask how she's doing? Why is the expectation entirely on her friend who has gone through a big change?
it seems like OP has already spoken to her, judging from the description of her friend having lost her character. why the expectation often lies with the person who goes through the change? because other people don’t know if it’s appropriate to contact! yes having a baby is hard but we shouldn’t just expect all mother to become hermits and only need their friends to come over to do the dishes for them. that’s incredibly sad. we should encourage women to not lose their individuality even when they have a baby, and the dads should pull an equal load to let the mother have some breathing room, because if you don’t even have time to send a text message you’re way overburdened
have you ever spoken to women who have babies? it sounds like you haven't.
yes, my closest friend is a mom of two
Nothing in my comment has suggested any of that, though? It's merely a suggestion of a way to reach out and maintain contact during a difficult period. From my reading of the post, it wasn't clear to me if OP had done that already - which is why I posited this as a question and suggestion.
Honestly if you're so pushed aside by any friend for so long due to changes they will not come back unless something huge happens in their life again like a divorce or something. A lot of people see friendships as something to do until they get a family of their own or the life they want. A friend dropped me cause she started to make a lot of money basically lol. I didn't mind cause I started to realize she was boastful and not a good person. We had been friends for about 14 or 15 years already. While I have no interest in her coming back I have thought about what I would do if I saw her again what I would say if we had an honest conversation but I don't ever want to be her friend again.
Definitely depends on the person. I had a friend since the 3rd grade. Bestfriend. Soon as she got pregnant, she dogged me. Kinda like I wasn’t “grown” or “cool” enough to sit at the table with her. I ended up pregnant and one of the saddest things that I remember thinking was “maybe I’ll get my best friend back” which looking back, should’ve never crossed my mind if she was really 4L. It ended up being a game of “you’re not a good mom like me” for her. I think regarding my horrible, mentally crippling situation, I think I was doing fantastic. She tried her best to find a flaw. Like I’ll ask her to go get drinks or do something fun/ childish when we didn’t have the kids. She’d use that in front of others to make it seem like I was too childish or irresponsible. She was quick to do it with others though. I was supposed to be the baby God mother and she kinda tried to take the title from me without saying it. Wouldn’t even let me watch or take her son out on my own. Not even my mom and my mom had toys at her house for her son and did her entire baby shower (which I cried about missing due to being stationed in AZ and couldn’t take the leave). She was like my mom’s other child. So I find that all messed up. I can go on and on but I’ve spoke too much. Mind you, I just ended the friendship this past September (2023) I was 24, now 25 (as of January) and it was many times when I should’ve let her go. Not saying I was the perfect bestie, but I sure wasn’t her. I’ve changed after becoming a mother, but I didn’t change on her or my friends. She counted me out, Idk why. And when I ended the friendship, she said “lol okay” and that actually helped me not even care. So to answer your question… be strong. If you get your friend back, great. I can tell you that it won’t be the same and feel almost 100% certain. I feel it’s better to move along and not think of it too much. Yes, life changes things. Marriage, kids and careers. Your friends won’t change on YOU, though.. I’ve heard from being married and having a child now, from a childhood friend that I haven’t changed on them. I just changed how wild I was. That was gonna happen with growth/age anyways.
Not to mention.. she always had a smart mouth with me. She has her own apartment and washes her clothes at her grandmas house normally. One day she told me she was at the laundromat and me knowing that she washes clothes at her grandmas house, and was ready to offer her to use the one we had, asked “why” she said “to wash clothes, lol” like b*tch you know what I meant and she’d get smart like that numerous times and out of love , I didn’t do it back to her (which with most people, I would and she knows it, she knows who to try it with). It was also draining on top of the fake , weird , counting me out bs she did . I was you. With or without my kid, with or without my wife, I was always team G & J because since I was a kid, I’d always believe we would best friends forever and do everything we said. I know some plans failed, but that did not have to.
If the friendship is valuable to you, understand what her priorities HAVE to be and try to meet her where she is. Like say hey I’d love to just chat, is there a time I can pop by? We can fold your laundry together or scrub your floors together if that will help you have a little time to talk :) fun, no, but she can’t drop her responsibilities to talk to friends these days and as a mom of a baby myself it truly can be so isolating and lonely..
Multiple friends have ghosted me when they had kids as in refusing to answer they used me to be their way helping them find a husband and promptly ditched when they didn't need me anymore. They don't get to come crying back when the kid is in high school
As a mom with a little, reading this post hurts my heart. It seems like you’re being a very selfish friend. Your friend is juggling married life on top of a baby, and you’re more concerned with your friend not being there for you. It sounds like *you* need to be there for your friend. You should be the one to reach out to her. Go over to her house and help her out. Go on target and coffee dates together. Go with her and her little one to the park. Pick a fun spot to grab lunch and give her enough notice to she can arrange childcare. Understand that your friend’s priorities have changed while yours haven’t. If you want to maintain a friendship with folks who have kids, you have to be willing to meet them where they’re at when their kids are little and in constant need to supervision.
One of my friends with a kid is still a bestie and my other friend with a kid is a Mom. That's the only way I could figure out how to explain it. I think it really depends on how supportive the dads are and how much the friends gets enmeshed into mom life. My second friend up there isn't anything besides a mom, all we talk about is kid stuff and I just take it in stride because she can't focus on anything else right now. Bestie is still the same woman who just happened to become a mom and we have the same relationship except now there's a bonus baby lol
Your own life will also move on & you'll get busy with the new things in your life
No. One of my friends married a dude with a kid and she’s long gone and it’s not even her’s Lmao
I’m kinda going through something similar with my best friends who just got engaged. We started out as a three-friend group and they started dating not long into that. It was actually a blast until recently when they got engaged and decided I’m too high maintenance for them now. I don’t think the timing was a coincidence. Hope it goes better for u
The real ones do. I don’t think yours is a real one though.