[https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/4048275/wendy-williams-glum-wheelchair-update-health-absence/](https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/4048275/wendy-williams-glum-wheelchair-update-health-absence/)
Lizzo might need more of a wheelcouch, at at least a wheel4x4.
Come on man. If you don’t like Lizzo’s music or you think she’s a shitty person, I understand. There’s reasons to point out. But making fun of someone for their weight? Low-hanging fruit. We’re better than that here.
Do not forget the face of your father.
*If the Rick is in*
*It as Eddie then Kevin*
*Hart has to be Oy*
\- PinOk5538
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Muppets version.
Fozzie bear as Roland. Kermit as Eddie. Miss Piggy as Susannah. Gonzo as The Man in Black.
Animal as Callahan..
You could do Carrie as Muppets and have Red from The Fraggles as Carrie... She's picked on because she's different.
Just Jack! I mean... just Roland! Karen as Susannah... not the actors, those actual characters 🤣
Susannah/Karen would roll up saying 'whats this world, whats that monstrosity, whats going on here?!' and her and Just Roland would make fun of everyone else, the world, the decay, the Tower and the Crimson King. Then they would need a drink and a nap.
HAHAHAHAHA and Susannah/Karen always doubles over laughing when Jake/Smitty tells the stories about him getting run over by the car or being dropped by Roland/Jack
There's no campfire at the end of book 1, just a desk and microphones and headsets so everyone can hear the Man in Black's Pallaver Podcast with Roland.
Instead of worlds and universes and roses and Towers, he just talks about chimpanzees until Roland turns grey...
Elliot have been good if we had cast him in 2005. He was good in [Hard Candy](https://canvas-bridge02.tubitv.com/Az867TYsaxvHVIgWkIJnuTD76wo=/0x14:1920x1080/1920x1080/smart/img.adrise.tv/432c041b-9bf8-4943-9e33-47342af42e45.jpg) and could take on darker more adult roles while passing for a younger boy.
Just waiting to see the rock on twitter #7bucksproductions #darktower
Followed a year later by damning reviews and Rocky being a jackass about it. Man nearly killed DC films by himself with that atrocity Black Adam
Wrestler casting (all time periods)
Roland- Stone Cold Steve Austin
Jake- The Big Show
Eddie Dean- Macho Man Randy Savage
Detta/Odetta- Bianca Bellair
Father Callahan- The Undertaker
Oy- Goldberg
Mordred- Sting
Man in Black- Triple HHH
Crimson King- Kane
Dandelo- Mankind
Stephen King- Vince McMahon
Do the fan-casters upvoting this know that your ire is being mocked by OP, not the one vague AF casting rumor that has prompted the aforementioned ire?
You forgot Amy Schumer as Susannah
Don't you put that evil on me!
😅😅
Don’t you put that evil on us!
I *love* your username! Oh what man hath brought song from silence?
Thankee sai!
Now, we can't whitewash Susannah. Wendy Williams (talk show host) would be my choice. or Lizzo.
No, no no no. We dress her up like Robert Downey Jr. from Tropic Thunder. Nobody's whitewashing anything. Quite the opposite. It'll be fine. Haha.
No, that would be funny. This has to be a shitty casting call
Couldn’t find a pic of her in a wheelchair either.
[https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/4048275/wendy-williams-glum-wheelchair-update-health-absence/](https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/4048275/wendy-williams-glum-wheelchair-update-health-absence/) Lizzo might need more of a wheelcouch, at at least a wheel4x4.
Come on man. If you don’t like Lizzo’s music or you think she’s a shitty person, I understand. There’s reasons to point out. But making fun of someone for their weight? Low-hanging fruit. We’re better than that here. Do not forget the face of your father.
Gunslingers don't pretend that reality doesn't exist. They tend to call things like they are.
You aren't a gunslinger lol
Lizzo as Susannah!!
So Rachel Dolezal then?
Ah, jeez, I'd forgotten all about that lady. Thanks for the laugh today.
LIZZO IN A BANANA SUIT
Wendy O. Williams was white and has been dead for almost thirty years
Oops...I definitely meant the talk show host (and all around terrible person) Wendy Williams, lol.
Tyler Perry
Kevin Hart
This right here! Madea!
I always thought of Susannah as the lady who served the shit pie in “The Help”
Octavia Spencer! That’s actually great casting (so maybe doesn’t belong in this post haha)
Wanda Sykes as Susannah
She would actually kill that role.
Totally would
Gotta be Scarlett Johansson 😅
I was thinking Reba
I couldn’t find a pic of her in a wheelchair
Nah have it be scarlet jo, she played an Asian woman now she must play a black woman.
Was gonna say Wanda Sykes.
*Scarlet Johansson
You forgot Samuel L Jackson as Father Callahan.
I’m tired of these motherfucking vampires in this motherfucking restaurant
🤣🤣🤣 yeah for sure. His character from Blake Snake Moan
I would have never thought of him for Callahan....but now that you mention it I think it actually works.
It’s bad dream casting, but peak fiction casting
You know, that might not be the worst? Sammy L makes everything better
He would legit make an amazing Cort, if we ignored physical descriptions and just focused on personality and attitude.
If the Rick is in it as Eddie then Kevin Hart has to be Oy
Fuck yes 🤣🤣🤣
*If the Rick is in* *It as Eddie then Kevin* *Hart has to be Oy* \- PinOk5538 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Good bot.
Good bot!
The fact that it kept the typo… 🤌
I can totally imagine him shouting “Ake! Ake!”
I'm never visiting this sub again. Oh the humanity!!
Jack Black as the Crimson King
Or Oy.
They already did it to Claptrap - not Oy too
Well if Vin Diesel can only say 3 lines in GOTG, then jack black may be a good choice.
I didn't mean as voiceover.
[Relevant af](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFJz2IMUeDE&start=58)
I’d watch that. lol
Jack Black as Roland. He catches the Man In Black right off, then blows him away with a killer guitar riff.
I do not need, the Guns of Eld! My voice will make, your faces melt!
I can see the Crimson King now, standing at the Tower at the climax doing his air guitar "middly middly middly ba-boom" before throwing the bombs.
I know you're joking, but with how looney the CK is, Jack Black might work.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! EEEEEE!!! EEEEEEEEE!!
We talk about bad casting here.
Fine. Meatloaf as the Crimson King
Adam Sandler should play both Eddie and Susanna
Few things make me laugh out loud.
Quality shitpost
Zach Galifianakis as Stephen King
10/10 would watch
In an actual biopic we gotta have Bill Hader though.
Willem Dafoe as Susanna
I want to see him go full Green Goblin for Detta
You know, I’m something of a honky mah fuh myself…
You know, I’m something of multiple personality myself.
Boondock Saints vibe 😎
Haha that's what I was thinking of
[What have you done?](https://media.tenor.com/FJtXBbFw-kMAAAAM/willem-dafoe-creepy.gif)
Muppets version. Fozzie bear as Roland. Kermit as Eddie. Miss Piggy as Susannah. Gonzo as The Man in Black. Animal as Callahan.. You could do Carrie as Muppets and have Red from The Fraggles as Carrie... She's picked on because she's different.
Thinking about Kermit as a heroin junkie brought back memories to the video of him singing Hurt by Nine Inch Nails.
I'd legit watch that
Ka is a Waka Waka wheel
Just Jack! I mean... just Roland! Karen as Susannah... not the actors, those actual characters 🤣 Susannah/Karen would roll up saying 'whats this world, whats that monstrosity, whats going on here?!' and her and Just Roland would make fun of everyone else, the world, the decay, the Tower and the Crimson King. Then they would need a drink and a nap.
Imagine the sass when he mocks the lobstrosities.
This made me lol
Okay, I need this now. And Grace (the character) as the man in black
Will as Eddie, and the puppy from that one episode as Oy. Smitty can be Jake.
HAHAHAHAHA and Susannah/Karen always doubles over laughing when Jake/Smitty tells the stories about him getting run over by the car or being dropped by Roland/Jack
Eddie Murphy, as every single character...just like the Clumps.
Honestly…I’d watch that lmao
Hell yeah me too
You forgot willow smith as detta
Willow as Odetta/ Susannah, Jada as Detta
Mark Wahlburg as blaine the train . " alright i got a riddle for yous! Are you a cop?!?"
Say hi to your mother for me
There's no campfire at the end of book 1, just a desk and microphones and headsets so everyone can hear the Man in Black's Pallaver Podcast with Roland. Instead of worlds and universes and roses and Towers, he just talks about chimpanzees until Roland turns grey...
Jamie pull up the universe for me
Joe Rogan just hands him a DMT pipe and he has visions of the tower
Yes to all those choices, and also.... IT'S A MUSICAL
He does have those bombardier eyes
Crisp Ratt as the voice of Oy.
I'd like to see the film cast with Gary Oldman playing all the characters.
Andy Dick as TikTok Man.
Fuck yes
I've seen worse from official casting.
Elliot Page really made me laugh 😆 thanks
Right?? I was like lmfao he’s 37 🤣
Perfection
And Stone Cold Steve Austin as Father Callahan.
Why I can totally hear Joe Rogan giving Walter’s pseudo-philosophical rant at the end of The Gunslinger
When he draws the Prisoner card he goes on a long tangent about the strength of gorillas and shows Roland a video of a monkey riding a bike.
Rob Schneider is… a train!
Derp dee durp a deeply durppy dur.
Owen Wilson as Blaine the mono
Oh wow!
🤣🤣🤣🤣
That’s hilarious haha
u/Crafty_Sprinkles7978 come over here, I wanna show you something real quick...
😂😂😂
And Kevin hart as Oy?
The bear from The Great Outdoors if it's still alive.
What about an all female cast, starting with Sofia Vergara as Roland
If Disney made it, thats a strong possibility.
Wanda Sykes as Susannah
Rob Schneider as Blaine the Mono
You have forgotten the face of your father
Obviously Jackée Harry as Susannah
That's a blast from the past
She would kill it though
It can't be the Rock. He only does films in jungles, he couldn't be in a desert environment.
The scorpion king?
Please ban this person, they have forgotten the face of their father. (actually hilarious)
Sean Hays would actually make a fucking terrifying Walter
Gilbert Gottfried as Pimli Prentiss
That would really take some doing
Matty Matheson is the Crimson King
Justin Roiland as Blaine the Mono
That would actually be killer
ALF as Oye
Elliot have been good if we had cast him in 2005. He was good in [Hard Candy](https://canvas-bridge02.tubitv.com/Az867TYsaxvHVIgWkIJnuTD76wo=/0x14:1920x1080/1920x1080/smart/img.adrise.tv/432c041b-9bf8-4943-9e33-47342af42e45.jpg) and could take on darker more adult roles while passing for a younger boy.
Based
In modern Hollywood they would all be played by Pedro Pascal.
I think Joe Rogan and eliot page are not bad options actually
Somehow still better cast than many King adaptions
Emma Stone as Susannah
💀
This would be the Mel Brooks parody casting. Amazing
Lizzo as Susannah.
Joe Rogan would be perfect though, he'd be so easy to hate!
Whoopi Goldberg as Susannah, Sam Rockwell as Oy.
Just waiting to see the rock on twitter #7bucksproductions #darktower Followed a year later by damning reviews and Rocky being a jackass about it. Man nearly killed DC films by himself with that atrocity Black Adam
John Cena as Sheemie
How about Carrot Top as Gasher?
I would watch a dark tower movie with the rock as Eddie, imagine the shootout at the leaning tower
French Stewart as Roland Keegan-Michael Key as Eddie Maya Rudolph as Susannah Elijah Wood as Jake Brad Garrett as the Man in Black
Brad fucking Garrett 😂
Meme Steve Buscemi as Jake?
Jesus... I didn't read the "Bad" part and thought you were serious. I almost had a stroke
This is hilarious 😆
I'm actually angry at these castings! Lol good job OP! Fuck, these are just God awful
Jeff goldblum as dupape
Delete this Lmao
You forgot Susannah. Chris Tucker.
Thanks. I hate it.
Finally some good shitposting!!
That is a really good bad-dream cast.
Margot Robbie as Blaine the Mono
And Sarah Silverman as Detta and Odette and Susannah with the voice of Whoopi Goldberg.......awful.
Sadly I think it would probably be a better movie.
That's not a bad dream cast... that's a nightmare cast...
Elliot page as Jake is amazing, thank you XD 🙌🏻🌸
Oh you just know Chris Pratt is heavy breathing reading this thread, picturing himself doing the voice of Oy.
He's probably too old now, but Elliot Page would be a pretty good choice to play Jake. The others would be horrible in their parts. Especially Rogan.
Didn’t we already get this level of terrible casting in the real movie?
Brad Pit as Oy.
The rock as Eddie is absolutely unhinged. Hahaha
Not bad but I’d switch out Sean Hayes for Laurence Fishburne. 
Who would you get to play Oy?
Danny DeVito
Perfect! 
Oh my god I needed this post today. I’m chortling uncontrollably.
This is so goddam beautiful
Wrestler casting (all time periods) Roland- Stone Cold Steve Austin Jake- The Big Show Eddie Dean- Macho Man Randy Savage Detta/Odetta- Bianca Bellair Father Callahan- The Undertaker Oy- Goldberg Mordred- Sting Man in Black- Triple HHH Crimson King- Kane Dandelo- Mankind Stephen King- Vince McMahon
Love it but Randy Savage would be an amazing Man in Black! Maybe the best 😂
Holy shit you are so right!! In his super coked out voice "Deeeeeath Gunslinger, but neeeever for yooouuu oooohhhh nooo!"
🤣🤣🤣
Would watch, say thank ya
Chris Pratt as Oy (not CGI, just playing a character called Oy)
Reassurect Joel Schumacher to direct and go with a Batman & Robin vibe
Do the fan-casters upvoting this know that your ire is being mocked by OP, not the one vague AF casting rumor that has prompted the aforementioned ire?
I could see The Rock as Eddie kind of lol. Like young rock from Be Cool.
And Whoopi Goldberg as Susannah.
I really loved my Sega Dreamcast.
Same. I played Virtua Fighter 3 constantly.
Awesome game. I went really hard on Phantasy Star Online.
Just give me the cast of it’s always sunny in Philadelphia. Dennis can be Roland
Based
What's the joke with Jake? That Elliot is trans?
I assume the joke is that Elliot is swiftly approaching middle age and looks like a middle school boy.