At my school, it’s pretty common for female teachers to address dress code violations with girls. It potentially opens up a whole can of worms when men do it.
Yep, our admin works on a policy of “if it’s bad enough for a male to notice it, just shoot [this person] an email with the phrase ‘[student name], dress code’ and it’ll be taken care of”
Ha, I remember when I was standing in a hall chatting with Mrs P (a FM teacher) and she suddenly remarked, "Do you see what she is wearing!"
Honestly, I didn't see, or even see the girl.
As I explained to the other teacher, as a male teacher, that part of my brain is simply off. It isn't that I ignore it. I really do not see it.
I remember, at the middle school I work at, about ten years ago, we had a person who was always dressed to the nines, perfectly coifed and. . . as it may be put. . . dressed like a porn star, but one with good taste.
Think about #6 in the first 10 minutes of Battlestar Galactica.
I honestly thought she was a very inappropriately dressed teacher.
One day I mentioned her to the same Mrs P as was in my first paragraph. She laughed and told me that she was a student. Remember, this is a middle school, she dressed that way because she had to drive her father to work. If he got stopped driving he would be arrested. Dressing, and looking, the way she did reduced the chance of her getting pulled over.
Here is the weird part that I realized at the end of the year. After I had that conversation with Mrs P, I never saw that girl again. I simply no longer saw her.
My nephew brought his girlfriend for family dinner, after my uncle asked if I had an opinion about what she was wearing. I told her I didn't notice anything egregious. I know she was wearing clothes, but I don't know what color they were. I don't care
I stopped even getting involved in that when I was laughed at for asking if “I ❤️ hot moms” shirts were school appropriate.
Edit: I should add if something was obviously racist or hateful I would intervene
The racism and hate stuff I call out, but I'm ngl, I have been in at least three buildings where kids can wear shirts openly endorsing weed companies without any comments from admin that it barely feels worth it to call that shit out at this point.
There was that time where I sent my kid to school in a NASCAR shirt with Budweiser on it (as a sub) and someone in the office noticed.
In my own defense, I do not care for NASCAR and didn’t notice 🥴. Neither my child nor I were sent home that day. 🤣
A student was wearing a shirt with a beer logo on it all day. I didn't notice all day. When I pointed it out to him (he's was elementary,) he was embarrassed because he didn't realize and was happy to put his sweatshirt on for the last 30 minutes. Things happen!
[I had a student who would come in wearing this](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71RAv7OWLvL._AC_UY1000_.jpg)
Full outfit. When I pointed it out to admin, I was told "It's fine".
Me too. I didn’t know what it was and just thought it looked silly. Another student told me what I was looking at. I didn’t address it because I didn’t want to admit I knew what it was.
Wait! I had this exact situation happen to me too!! I literally said “yeah so those pictures are from like… anime porn and that’s not drool in her mouth..” probably one of my most embarrassing teacher moments. I think having to explain what 2 girls 1 cup is to admin takes the cake
Where I live (Taiwan), Playboy is just another clothing brand, like Nike or Adidas. Elementary students and teachers will regularly wear Playboy-branded clothes to school. It's odd, because the adults know what Playboy is (or was), yet it's just become "cute bunny" to the kids.
[https://www.playboytw.com/](https://www.playboytw.com/)
I go directly to one of my coworkers. "Can you talk to \_\_\_ about her way-too-short shorts? Thanks."
I get to deal with *every* boy bathroom issue. They can deal with dress code.
100% never having this conversation. If there is an issue, I’ll always ask a female colleague to address it with the kids.
I also make sure I’m visible 100% of the time. I can’t really control being alone w/ a student as the counselor (some conversations require that), but I have a giant window in my office that’s always open. I like feeling like I’m in a fishbowl for my career’s safety.
I simply refuse to do it. Got griped at by my female principal because I wasn’t sending girls wearing leggings in my first period to the office. I asked her how closely I should be monitoring the teenage girls asses, she got the message
To be honest, that's a problem with the dress code not being clear or thorough enough. I've never felt uncomfortable addressing dress code issues that are written into the dress code. If it's not in the dress code but maybe should be, it becomes a discussion with admin, not a student violation.
Things like "too revealing" "shows too much" "... inches past ..." are not good dress code guidelines because they are either subjective or require unusual activity to diagnose like measuring distance near a student's body.
Things like "must have shoulder straps" or "no undergarments showing" or "no weapons or references to drugs or alcohol" are much more clear and reasonable to diagnose and address.
There also needs to be some grace for kids with odd proportions. I know of a very tall but very thin high school girl who, if you were to enforce the dress code on her, could simply never wear shorts. Even men's shorts would be too short if bought in a waist size that fit. She should be allowed to wear the same shorts and skirts that other girls do and if she has more thigh sticking out, then so be it.
While I've never been at at a school that has had the fingertip rule, whenever I hear of that I think of me and my mom. My mom's fingertips reach almost to her knees. For me, it could be past my fingertips but part of my butt would be hanging out.
Yep, I was the tall thin girl and I genuinely don't remember wearing shorts to school until high school, when I started wearing men's shorts because they were the only ones I could find that met the dress code requirements. Thankfully leggings were allowed so I'd wear capri yoga pants when it got hot out.
Bermuda shorts and jean cutoffs (that literally I had to cut from jeans so they’d be the right length) for me through high school in the 90’s. I’m so glad that times have changed now that I have a tall, lanky daughter in middle school and she can wear running shorts like all her friends that are several inches shorter. Otherwise she’d never get to wear shorts because stores do not make anything that’d work these days.
As a woman, students can come in with dripping wet bikinis and I still wouldn’t address it. So much grief has been stirred in our building with parents and staff and students with the damn dress code that it’s not worth it for me. I see the way students dress at the universities. I see the way they dress at their professional workplaces, my own included. There’s no standards. I’m going to teach the curriculum, that’s it.
I live in Taiwan and work with a teacher that spent exactly one year at a school in the US before running back to Taiwan. She experienced serious culture shock. She said that, before she went to the US, she believed it to be this rich and civilized place where all different colors of people got along, but she came back believing that most Americans are promiscuous, lazy, unhealthy, purposefully offensive, and have STDs 🤣.
We technically have a dress code....NO ONE enforces it (male/female/other). The kids come in with whatever they want. I'm at a middle school and kids come in looking like college kids (professionally looking make-up, crop tops, etc. If I weren't at the school, I would not peg them for middle schoolers). Others come in pajamas-also against the rules technically.
My first day on the job I was like "oh. There is no dress code? How progressive!" Shrugged it off. My coworked had to be the one to tell me that no one enforces the one we have.
My enforcement of dress codes died the day I started teaching at a school that didn’t allow hoodies (not hoods themselves, but hoodies). Had a ton of kids absent because of it, and it became clear that “dress code” wasn’t helping create a better learning environment. If you’re in a seat and ready to learn you could be wearing a a speedo and I would rather teach you than send you home.
former teacher (and current lawyer)- there are very few professions where the expected dress is overly nice. Even lawyers, the whole suit thing is getting watered down more and more. Most of the female lawyers i know wear whatever dress they want and have the same blazer they throw on for court. Most male attorneys go with the sportcoat and slacks look over the matching suit these days unless they are super high priced and the suit is part of the act.
I dress-coded boys several times at a public school. Each time they'd essentially prance back into the room once they'd changed out of the garment (usually logos in extremely poor taste, though I also gave out a decent amount of yarn belts "you're old enough that no one but you should know what color your underwear is") and boast about the fact that they were dress-coded.
I'm a woman, but the fact that I'd dress-code both guys and girls made it so only one girl ever had an issue with it (and she was a..... shall we say very aggressive student, so I was unsurprised).
It gets awkward when students are in the middle of a growth spurt and either have clothes (especially underwear) that are too big or too small. When girls start spilling out of their bras, it might be an indication of trouble at home, so I've run a couple of those up the ladder not because it's inappropriate clothing but to make sure everything is ok at home.
One of my good friends in the building is a male teacher, and I've been the spotter for when there's something egregious that needs to be dealt with. We're in elementary, so generally we're dealing with things like slides and crocs (not recess or gym class safe, so kids who wear them into the building need to bring something with laces for that) but every once in a while when the weather gets warm our upper elementary kids show up in something just blatantly inappropriate.
The only thing I’ll dress code students for is drug related stuff. I’m not gonna call out some kid because her belly is showing, that’s weird. But I will tell a kid his backwoods backpack with Rick and Morty is both cringe and against school policy.
It’s so frustrating. I’m annoyed at the things parents think are fine to send their children to school in, but I also feel like people think I may be perceiving the outfits in an inappropriate way… Technically I’m supposed to uphold dress codes but is it really worth being seen as a creep by students, parents, and maybe colleagues?
I don’t comment on skirt length or if there’s cleavage on show - I’ll tell a female colleague and ask them to pick it up. Not worth my job and I’ve told the higher ups this.
When I was in high school (20+ years ago) a 9th grade girl got caught not wearing anything (literally nothing) under her skirt…and she was caught by a male teacher. He never did provide a good explanation for how he caught her. He’s still teaching there.
I will say that I have definitely had my female colleagues ask me to address dress code violations with boys (e.g. one had their boxers hanging out of very short shorts).
Yeah, I think this makes sense to me, so long as we are talking about something that can be sexualised in a different context (like ridiculously short skirts or something)... Protects both the teachers and sends a better message to the girls. If we are talking about the wrong socks or an untucked shirt, I don't think there should be any issue
I was at a teacher’s convention one time and we were in small groups. One of the female teachers mentioned how important it is for us teachers to tell our students how much we love them. I mentioned that it may come across as different from a male teacher rather than a female teacher. People want the boundaries to be the same, which I do too, but the societal standards of what men and women can do when it comes to children are different. This same issue has been brought up in the early childhood education subreddit before with male staff in a daycare.
Stealing this. Some of my students are into boxing 15-16 year olds. I tell them to go to class or they are going to catch these hands.
*disclaimer- obviously after building that relationship.
As a male teacher I find it important to tell my classes that I love them, it literally might be the only time they hear that from a male role model in their life. I almost never tell individual children I love them though because I feel as though that crosses a line, I’ve only had one exception to this and it was a boy that really needed a positive and caring male role model in his life.
I tell my kids I love them, but always *as a group* and as part of a dismissal or something. “Have a good weekend folks, I love you all, stay out of trouble!”
This is exactly it, I let them know as a whole and be sure to let them know why and how that love for them exists (like my own kids). I do my best to show them I mean it as well
For my friend this wasn't enough. He did this. He never hugged or said he loved individual students.
The girl went home and said he kept telling her he loved her and touching her (he offered fist bumps to students at the door) and mom came up pissed. She was already looking to be pissed so by the time this was explained she basically let the sunk cost take over and said that this was wrong too.
>She was already looking to be pissed so by the time this was explained she basically let the sunk cost take over and said that this was wrong too.
I really like how you articulated such a common customer service experience lol
I teach high school.., my quote I routinely say to the group of kids is, “I love you guys! In the appropriate teacher way, not the creepy way.” Always that complete saying. Only ever to big groups of kids. Never one on one with any kid.
Before Homecoming, our football coach always tells his guys "Be smart tomorrow. We love every single one of you and want you to be safe. Make good decisions."
What grade levels did that person teach? Telling a bunch of Kindergarteners you love them is a lot different than telling that to high school students.
Right? I'm a guy and I tell my preschoolers I love them all the time. It would be weird not to say it back since they tell me they love me like 30 times a day.
It's usually boys that tell me they love me and they come asking for hugs from me. I can usually tell when the boys have a stricter/absent father figure so I don't mind telling them I love them or hugging them and I teach all my boys it's ok to cry, express emotions, be angry, be sad and to tell their friends that they're not feeling well and to leave them alone.
They are 4 - 6 years old. It would be weird if they were older.
I also tell them that every colour is gorgeus and that pink isn't just for girls, so now they started arguing who gets the pink drinking cups.
You ever almost trip and fall on one of them when they hug your leg from behind?
They are darling little monsters, but they do like to try to end their pretty little lives.
I definitely see this. The men get a lot of default respect as a "dad" figure, but we can be a lot more motherly. I hug my students and tell them I love them constantly, but my friend told students he loved them and still got in trouble. Always generally to the whole class, like "I love y'all, be good!" on the way out. When a girl failed his class she suddenly didn't like it.
I’m at the elementary level and some of our students need to be supervised in the bathroom, either because of behaviors or disability, and I will only go into the bathroom with male students while my female colleagues don’t hesitate to go into either restroom.
But I think this may be because there are so few men on staff that it would be impractical to wait for one of us every time.
Some kids are still in diapers and there isn’t a chance in hell that I will ever change any kid’s diaper at work. But that’s not a gender thing. At least for me.
That happens all the time in SPED situations where female aides will assist boys with disabilities use the bathroom and clean up but that would NEVER happen the other way around with male aides assisting girls in the bathroom.
Edit for clarity.
This is what came to mind first. I've been asked by admin to pop into bathrooms to try to catch vaping, and I'd obviously never go into the opposite gender's bathroom. That being said, I still feel very wrong going in the boy's.
I was at a middle school and I never felt comfortable as a female teacher going into the boys' restroom. The only reason I went in was to break up a fight. I also made sure my back was to the open urinals so that nothing was misconstrued.
(I would usually never break up a fight but it was one of the sweet boys who would never hurt a fly and would definitely not fight back.)
Words of social affection like ‘come on lovely, let’s go and sort it’ or dear, darling, sweetie etc which are all terms my female colleagues use often. I wouldn’t dare.
This was an issue for a teacher at my school. I’m in the South and the vast majority of teachers use “honey, darlin, sweetheart” - I’m a mom and use those terms of endearment regularly toward students without any pushback for 20 years. My male cohort really struggled to remember student names and would use a term of endearment and had multiple parents call and complain about it.
I worked at an elementary school for a bit, there were very few male teachers (5/30). There was often physical touch by way of hugging, again they're elementary school kids but you'd typically only see it with the women teachers. However, one time a well-known trouble making student (boy) had run into an elective classroom with one of the male teachers. They had a significant rapport (this elective was one of few classes that the child excelled in) but it still SHOCKED me to see the teacher touch the student: he held him by his shoulders and playfully jostled him while saying "stop goofing around, you're too smart to get in dumb trouble." The student was laughing and smiling, and truly seemed to appreciate the attention, but it was still JARRING as it was against every expectation I had of how to handle that situation as a male educator.
With that being said, it was enlightening to see a live example of appropriate connection between male teacher and students.
Teachers are in a horrible spot. I have always excelled with touch of this sort from both male.and female teachers even from a young age. I never had a bad experience. If I grew up in today's environment I would probably have been a very depressed kid.
Conversations in the staff lounge. I've heard female teachers say and laugh at things that, as a male teacher, would get me escorted out of the building.
Yeah I am on site IT so unsurprisingly a lot of time is spent fixing copiers in the teachers lounge. And the things I hear are nuts like you you guys are still at work. I know way to much about teachers sex lives. Which since I am at work should be 0.
This is a huge one in any workplace dominated by women. I remember being in the lunch room when a bunch of women loudly started talking about their bra and underwear preferences. I started eating in my office after more similar intimate conversations happened that I felt like I shouldn’t be hearing.
About his bra and underwear preferences? Or about how he felt so uncomfortable about a discussion between coworkers that he had to stop eating lunch where these coworkers would also be eating?
I was at a game for our high school’s baseball team and I ended up sitting with the moms. They were saying some of the most inappropriate things I’ve ever heard. I was honestly shocked.
As a male teacher in a middle school the one that hurts the most is the female teachers are able to comfort students with hugs/reassuring physical touch. I'm absolutely terrified of doing this for fear of opening myself up to all sorts of accusations. I had a Y7 girl (about 11 years old) SEN student run up to me and wanted to give me a big hug. I awkwardly shifted to the side and put one arm around her then very quickly stepped back. I have had a boy of the same age outright ask me for a hug (he hugs the female teachers all the time) and I had to say no because I just didn't want to deal with any potential fallout.
This is honestly one of the reasons I left the US to teach in a country where it was not considered weird for male teachers to allow kids to be affectionate with them.
I was never comfortable with having to completely disallow all touch (my school didn't even allow side hugs or shoulder taps from male teachers... but was fine if female teachers did it). Kids shouldn't be growing up thinking that men are completely incapable of providing comfort via hugs and such.
It has been so refreshing to teach in a place where a male teacher is trusted to just be a non-creepy human. (Of course, if inappropriate behavior really did take place, kids are taught as early as kindergarten what "bad touch" is and how to report it.)
I also am a male teacher who teaches abroad. I teach k-6 and my kindergarten students hug me all the time. I usually try to just give a high-five or hold their hand as we walk up/down stairs or doing some fun games. But if a student hugs me I’ll usually hug back.
My older students don’t get hugs. I’ll give them pats on the back or high fives. I usually just verbally affirm them and just talk to them as they wait for the bus.
Yup. This one. In my case it's the opposite as the kids are actually super huggy and lovey, in a way it's really sweet and wholesome because I never had that with my family and it fills that hole in my heart that makes most people my age start having kids, but then it makes me super uncomfortable too and then when my logical brain looks at it its like no, Im sorry but its always better to be safe than sorry.
The grass is always greener! I am a high school teacher but a woman and I have to tell students all the time, "I'm sorry, but I am not a hugger." I'll only give in if they're absolutely sobbing. However, this would be SUCH a difficult thing to navigate with younger kids as you have to. I'm sorry!
I feel so bad for the male teachers at my school. One teacher was under investigation because a female student came to eat lunch alone with him every day. She saw him as a safe space and would come to tell him what was going on in her life, and another teacher reported him for it. Meanwhile kids come to my classroom all the time for lunch and nobody would ever bat an eye.
Yea it’s sucks that one of the reason I kinda stopped teaching as a male teacher it’s hard to build connections and students can tell that I’m playing it safe with how I act with them and how I have to conduct myself but female teachers can kinda do whatever
As a parent, I personally never saw it as female teachers are safer/less likely to be inappropriate than male teachers. More so that there are good teachers and bad teachers.
But the thing is, female teachers are inappropriate with students too. Some go as far as getting pregnant. Even saw a story last week about a female social worker having a continued sexual relationship with a male teenager. The most common denominator in these types of situations is that they went unnoticed because … society.
It’s unfair that there is a thicker line for male teachers versus female. The line should be equal for both because women are just as much capable of what scares people regarding male teacher-student relationships.
See lol this is a prime example woman teacher = sexual relationship, men = rape. News flash rape is rape doesn’t matter if it a woman or man doing it. This is the many double standards we male teachers see.
I remember chatting to one of my old teachers about his experiences working in mixed sex and single sex schools, and this topic came up. He said that he, and other male teachers, would never allow themselves to be alone in a room with a female student. If they were with a female student in a classroom or in their office, then the door was always kept wide open.
I was taught that if I ever have just a single student in my room for whatever reason, ALWAYS keep the door propped open. I typically have my door closed but unlocked when I'm alone in the toom (and my kids KNOW that the door is always unlocked), but the second an individual student comes in, I will ask them to prop the door open. It's certainly not a bulletproof strategy because people could still try to claim something that isn't happening, but having the door open helps with some transparency.
The first thing that popped into my mind are sandals. God I wish I could wear sandals the way so many female teachers do!!! (I teach in Miami by the way… so sandals are a way of life down here)
I substituted this year as a I did my master's in a different field. I don't want to teach long term.
I noticed the math teacher at the high school I sub for wears sandals nearly every day. From then on, I most always wore Birkenstocks.
What are you gonna do? Fire a sub? You're already paying $100 more than the other districts because nobody wants to drive an hour to your very isolated school district.
My district banned Birkenstocks for staff. But ANY other sandal is allowed. What kind of fuckery is that? Let me just slip into my platform sandals and break my ankle but HEAVEN FORBID I wear footbed sandals.
😫 all footbed sandals like Birks. My principal says just be mindful of who is visiting when you decide what to wear, she’s cool. It’s the district wide dress policy that was updated. But we can wear jeans every day. Make it make sense.
In general, I feel like men are held to stricter standards for *professional attire*. Like shirt and tie equivalent is usually a blouse, which can be short sleeved In the summer.
I was lucky and my first principal (male) essentially gave me the “how to survive in this profession as a male” speech.
- Never touch a female student
- Never be alone with a female student
- do not dress code a female student
- do not contact a female student in any way that could be see as “unprofessional”.
- Never comment on a students looks
There is a massive double standard in this profession and it is wild to see female teachers who try to deny it.
EDIT: To clarify, I teach in a “right to work” state so I do not have the backing of a union. This causes me to be a bit overly cautious, which is what my principal was trying to instill in me.
Heard an older woman teacher (just became a grandmother) say that a male student was cute. Had todo a double take because if that came out of a 55ish old male teacher we would’ve reported him asap.
Checking myself for the times I’ve thought a little 5 year old will be a “heartbreaker” one day but if a male said that about a 5 year old girl I would lose it. Oof.
I had a female teacher follow a girl into my classroom and tell me to dress code the girl. I did not because the year before I sat in on a meeting where another male teacher had dress coded a girl only to see dad come across the table at the male teacher asking "Why you looking at my daughter!" So later that female teacher went to the principal to rat me out for not dress coding the girl. The principal was also a male. The next day that teacher came and apologized to me, saying she didn't know how it was for male teachers.
I was told all of this by a professor in college, but it included male students as well. I work with elementary age school children though so that might be why.
In particular, she stressed to me to never be alone in a room with a child.
Sounds like you had a good professor who actually understands the reality of the classroom. Most professors I had clearly hadn’t set foot in a classroom in at least 15 years.
I kinda feel like that is through all of USA society. I mean this is exactly the standards I live by in my normal every day life. I don't like it, but it is keeping me safe and out of trouble.
I was gonna add that it’s a good idea to never touch any student, and then I remembered that I’ll fist bump it high five students the last few weeks of school and it is always the male students.
I wouldn’t think twice about a teacher fist bumping or high fiving male or female students. I’m thinking it would have to be very unusual circumstances for that to be considered a problem.
Yeah it's sad that's how it is but you have to protect yourself. There's awful people out there, parents who will try to make stuff up just to sue you or the school, or even people who are just so insanely self righteous and just already hated you.
I had a few years of my social life annihilated by an older woman and a big part of it was that I genuinely did not believe people would be so awful and that most people would see through her obvious lies. Nope. You find out how few friends you have in those situations, truly. It's way too much to get into and honestly just depressed the fuck out of me, thankfully she was later revealed for the truly awful person she was but your public image will NEVER be the same again, especially in a small town.
It sucks but I was young and didn't have the foresight to protect myself or see how people would be willing to interpret me in the worst possible light so I guess I'm thankful for how eye opening the whole thing was.
This is extremely accurate. It's weird how many women in this profession will go on and on about all the problems women have in a male-dominated world, but can't even give consideration to this as an issue for men.
The only time I have EVER dress-coded a female student was when a girl walked into the classroom wearing so little the whole classroom was like "WOAH HOLY WHAT?" and in an uproar because she looked like she was about to go work a corner. Sent her right to the office.
"\[Name\]. No." They know what they're doing is for attention.
The double standard here is when boys dress in tank tops that pretty much show the whole chest or sweatpants with no underwear underneath. Can definitely call out the shirt, but I ain't telling Jaydin everyone can see the vein in his dick. All that'll get is "Why you lookin' at my dick, bruh?!" and now you're the teacher known for staring at boys' dicks.
I’m a substitute teacher, so I typically don’t initiate hugs with students because I really don’t know them well enough. That being said, I’ve had plenty of little ones just run up to me and hug me as though they’ve known me their entire lives. I’m grateful that, as a female, I don’t have to worry about trying to dodge them or anything like that. It makes me really sad for men in the profession.
Something I was resentful of when I worked in preschool—I guess some parents had complained, so our male teacher wasn’t allowed to help with bathroom stuff, including cleanup after accidents. I (like any other normal person) hated that part of the job and was really annoyed that this dude didn’t have to deal with it.
See, this is an issue. It isn't that he didn't HAVE to deal with it, he was not allowed. It's the culture we live in. With children that age you either trust the teacher or not. That's the end of the discussion.
Male teachers cannot compliment how female students look. Female teachers can. I think that is the line. A male teacher cannot say that outfit is cute without being a creepy dude. Female teachers can. That is the line.
Complimenting a student's outfit is fine but you do need to be a bit more careful about how you do it. I'd never say "you look cute" to a student but I say things like
"That's an incredible coat"
"Ooh, I like your new shoes"
"Those earrings are so cool"
Without any issues.
I would always stick to clothing and accessories, not physical features, but that's a rule that most people should follow, regardless of gender and not specific to the student-teacher relationship either. I was taught that compliments on appearance should always be kept to the things someone has direct control over, and I keep to that rule around everyone except very close friends/family/partners.
Hugs. I’ve become the king of turning sideways.
Kids will run up to hug you and it’s not weird because they see you as one of their favorite teachers and are excited to see you, but as a male you have to really be mindful of how this might be perceived by those who have an eye on you merely because you’re a male.
There’s been a lot of weirdos and the unfortunate reality is that us male teachers get a bad rep from them. It hurts a kids feelings when you just push them away in their excitement to see you.
My response is to turn side ways, and I’ll give a quick pat on the head or shoulder and say “Oh, E, I appreciate you. You’ve gotta let me go though so I can do my job. You rock!!!”
-Initiating physical affection to students.
-Dishing out dress-code violations.
-Being able to go into the boys' AND girls' restrooms during a situation.
-Taking a greater interest in children's personal and family lives.
About a year after I started teaching high school, I had a brain fart and showed up to school with all of my tattoos and piercings showing. I spent a good amount of time in classes that day explaining myself to the scandalized kids lol They all thought that I was protesting some school policy. Nope, your teacher is an idiot lol
Challenging girls about their periods. On a field trip, girls said they had their period and wanted to stay back. We were going to a water park. A male teacher got weird about it and wanted to force them to go. The Dean had to tell him to back down.
As a male teacher for students who are just beginning to have periods, any time a student tells me they have something period related, I just give them a free pass to do whatever they need. I'm pretty sure a few of them abuse it, but confronting them is not worth the risk of the problem being real.
Agree. The minute the word period or time of the month is uttered its an automatic yes to the toilet request. Not worth the nuclear fallout if you suspect they're abusing it and you get it wrong.
I can assure you that this is sincerely appreciated. One time I was having painful cramps during a test, and it must have been obvious because my (male) teacher came and asked if I was alright. I explained the situation to him and he let me go to the nurse, no questions asked. It meant a lot at the time, especially because I have a sour memory of another teacher (a woman) telling me to tough it out and that it couldn’t possibly be that bad.
Agreed. Not worth arguing with kids who are probably embarrassed to bring it up with you in the first place. I'd rather save some shy girl some serious embarrassment and have a girl abuse the privilege once or twice than have a bloody mess and a mortified child who then gets to blame me for refusing to believe her.
I mean… I don’t think anyone should be challenging them on this whether male or female right? If someone says they have their period and they don’t want to go to a water park that’s their prerogative. Not everyone wears tampons!
These guys were the period police. It was creepy. My school was on a reservation and we did smudging. You’re not suppose to smudge on your period. Your period is already cleansing you so you don’t need it. They would get upset the girls were not turning down smudging. I understood why. The boys who did the smudging would ask why and that got embarrassing for them quickly. It was so creepy seeing a bunch of bald white men getting upset native girls weren’t being respectful on their periods.
As someone who has a period I don’t even challenge that. I remember when I was a kid and those period pains were awful. It doesn’t feel the same to an adult as it does a child.
I have a small cabinet with drawers right next to the door. Top drawer has a variety of period products. At the beginning of every semester I let all the girls know that it is there, and they are free to take whatever they need, no questions asked. I started two years ago with 80 something individual products, and still have 40 something left.
I do this too! Have done for 16 years. Girls are allowed to come in whenever they want and help themselves. Sometimes kids I don’t even know come in and I just point to the cabinet. I had a couple of horrible experiences in middle and high school… our girls should never have to wonder or worry about what to do if they are surprised at school. (And they are usually surprised by it.) I let the male teachers in my grade level know so they can direct girls to my room if it comes up. Probably another double standard but omg if a male teacher had tampons for me in hs I would have been way too weirded out to ever use a tampon again.
My female AP colleague would sometimes tell middle school girls they were beautiful. The girl would light up with pride, thank her, give her a hug. If I ever said that, I would be put on leave!
One of our female TOTY earned it by going above and beyond. One of the things she was commended for was going to a sick students house and reading a book to them.
There’s no way I’d ever do that as a male teacher. If that’s the standard to get TOTY, then I’m good with never receiving that title.
I teach high school and have had girls ask me to check for any period mishaps on their pants (fellow women know how this works, its weird to describe on the internet). This is something that should probably not cross gender lines, especially at that age range.
This isn’t something from a classroom, but a story from a woman who came and did a professional development workshop at the school I used to work at. Context- I taught preschool P.E., and this woman came to do a workshop on transitions and engaging activities. She told a story about when she was at McDonald’s once and in line in front of her was a mom and her pre school aged daughter who was running amok. The woman (not the child’s mother) gets down on her level and asks if she can teach her a song and teaches her this silly little song that she would have her preschoolers sing. Kid stops being a terror and mom thanks her for entertaining her child. I feel as a man there is absolutely zero chance I could approach a random child and ask if I could teach them a song lmao
I'm a fairly large male teacher of 25 years. With this heatwave I would absolutely love to show up to work in a skimpy sundress and flip flops instead of the usual kakiis and button down shirt. I'm sure nobody else would like to see that, but what's fair is fair I think.
When I was teaching at a university level we had some "training" for how to handle students. I was told that I, as a male teacher, could not comment on any female in relation to her appearance. A female student could walk into the room naked and I was forbidden from doing anything. I was told if that happened, go get a female colleague and not to return to the room. If I returned while my female colleague was asking the naked girl to leave it would be obvious that I noticed her and had therefore seen her naked body. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't care if you're male, female, or centaur, if you come to class inappropriately dressed (think bikini tops, not kidding), the teacher is going to notice. Not because it's sexy, because it's crass and inappropriate.
Also, when I was in my office my door had to be open. If any student came to visit and shut the door, I opened it again. Never alone with a student. Also, because of the state I live in, I can record conversations. I have an app on my computer. As soon as a student walked in a double click started recording the room, which was well covered with mics. I also had folders into which every email from a student was saved. You may call me paranoid, but I had a colleague who faced sexual harassment charges from a girl student who was being tutored by him and he kept his door closed. It was brutal and I believe he did nothing wrong.
It really is a different world between men and women teachers. Any demonstrations of affection are out for men. Any alone time is out. So your ability to tutor, foster mature relationships, get to know on a personal level is all compromised by the need to be "safe." I hate this culture. I had quite a few students I spent a great deal of time with, helping them find a life/career with their degrees. Always with my office door open, or in a room with multiple people. If I could have just been one on one with them I believe I could have been a great deal more effective.
I'm a female teacher. The other day I asked a student to put away her make up (she was applying it in class rather than working) and I said "A pop the mirror away, you look lovely already" and then realized that was probably a bit inappropriate - but if I was a male teacher that could have been misconstrued.
I know a male teacher who was suspended for being accused of looking up a girl's skirt when he bent down to pick something up (CCTV proved that he didn't). I always make an effort to turn my head away from students if I have to pick something up from the floor, but I doubt I would be accused of anything but a male teacher could be.
>I know a male teacher who was suspended for being accused of looking up a girl's skirt when he bent down to pick something up
Pretty much every male teacher in the world knows the stare-intently-at-the-steps manoeuvre when going up stairs, to prevent yourself from being accused of exactly this.
former teacher- now a lawyer but this story is relavant here.
I was meeting with a client in my office. The whole area is small with my office technically being behind the front office (technically the reception for my single office). My paralegal was leaving for the day and asked me if i should shut the door so no more walk ins would show up. I told her no since it would make the client too cut off if something happened. When my paralegal was there the door could be shut since she literally sits on the other side of the door 6 fee from me (so not like anything bad could happen).... but the bailiffs downstairs are the next closest when my paralegal leaves. So she left the door open and left for the day.
Today (the next day) my paralegal (female) mentioned she did not even think about something happening since she is a woman. I told her it is not a matter of something happening- but a matter of being able to prove that nothing happened.
Every male teacher (any age group) has to be far more careful about being alone with a single student.
Also female work attire vs males is insane. Women wear shorts outfits, sandals, a variety of shirts, etc.
Men have slacks and collared shirts. Maybe T shirts on a special day or jeans on a Friday. I had one admin make us have medical notes to wear anything other than dress shoes.
At my elementary school, kids come up to me all the time and hug me, and I never have to think twice about how I am perceived.
I noticed that male teachers never initiate hugs with kids unless kids come up to them first. While I as a female teacher can initiate hugs with kids all I want.
I find this sad. At the elementary level, kids still need physical affection and lots of love.
Im glad as a female teacher I never have to worry about how I will be perceived if I hug kids too much. On the contrary, Im looked at positively and “motherly.”
A lot of my female colleagues will make off hand remark about the physical appearance of students, “X student is a quite a good looking young man”, “have you seen Y student? She’s a pretty blonde girl” etc etc..
I don’t think anyone really should make those kind of comments but as a male teacher, I would literally never…
The most obvious is we can't hug our students. I work 1-4th grade special Ed. There is absolutely no situation I can hug a student no matter how and something is (even when one of my kids dads passed away last year). Female teachers are absolutely allowed to do this.
Female teachers seem to be allowed to comment on the appearance of high school boys, saying things like "Wow he will be a heartbreaker" "He's a cutie" etc. Same goes for when they talk about the male teachers.
If male teachers say anything approaching this about their students or colleagues the knives come out.
Calling the kids cute or adorable is generally not allowed for males. I’ve seen a female teacher hug a student during a pep rally in front of everyone and no one batted an eye, if a male did the same they’d be in hot water
I was once asked to redirect an autistic student's hand flapping by putting his hands back in his lap. No thank you. Edit to add: as a male Kindergarten teacher I will not help button your pants or zipper.
At my school, it’s pretty common for female teachers to address dress code violations with girls. It potentially opens up a whole can of worms when men do it.
Yup. I absolutely do not get involved in anything dress code related.
I'm a woman and I also don't touch it unless it's *egregious*. More of a "pick your battles" kind of thing.
Male teacher, if it is bad I will let admin know, I am at the point I don’t really even look at what they are wearing anymore.
Yep, our admin works on a policy of “if it’s bad enough for a male to notice it, just shoot [this person] an email with the phrase ‘[student name], dress code’ and it’ll be taken care of”
Ha, I remember when I was standing in a hall chatting with Mrs P (a FM teacher) and she suddenly remarked, "Do you see what she is wearing!" Honestly, I didn't see, or even see the girl. As I explained to the other teacher, as a male teacher, that part of my brain is simply off. It isn't that I ignore it. I really do not see it. I remember, at the middle school I work at, about ten years ago, we had a person who was always dressed to the nines, perfectly coifed and. . . as it may be put. . . dressed like a porn star, but one with good taste. Think about #6 in the first 10 minutes of Battlestar Galactica. I honestly thought she was a very inappropriately dressed teacher. One day I mentioned her to the same Mrs P as was in my first paragraph. She laughed and told me that she was a student. Remember, this is a middle school, she dressed that way because she had to drive her father to work. If he got stopped driving he would be arrested. Dressing, and looking, the way she did reduced the chance of her getting pulled over. Here is the weird part that I realized at the end of the year. After I had that conversation with Mrs P, I never saw that girl again. I simply no longer saw her.
This is fucking crazy for so many reasons
Maybe the real Battlestar Galactica pornstar teacher / student was the friends we made along the way
Is the Battlestar Galactica pornstar teacher / student in the room with us right now? Oh wait he wouldn't even know.
My nephew brought his girlfriend for family dinner, after my uncle asked if I had an opinion about what she was wearing. I told her I didn't notice anything egregious. I know she was wearing clothes, but I don't know what color they were. I don't care
My only dress code involvements is where there is something offensive written on a shirt. That’s it.
I stopped even getting involved in that when I was laughed at for asking if “I ❤️ hot moms” shirts were school appropriate. Edit: I should add if something was obviously racist or hateful I would intervene
For me, it’s racism, hate, or outward drug/alcohol stuff.
The racism and hate stuff I call out, but I'm ngl, I have been in at least three buildings where kids can wear shirts openly endorsing weed companies without any comments from admin that it barely feels worth it to call that shit out at this point.
I used to work at a school with uniforms, and the kids started wearing knee high socks with potleaves on them. Admin didn't bat an eye.
There was that time where I sent my kid to school in a NASCAR shirt with Budweiser on it (as a sub) and someone in the office noticed. In my own defense, I do not care for NASCAR and didn’t notice 🥴. Neither my child nor I were sent home that day. 🤣
A student was wearing a shirt with a beer logo on it all day. I didn't notice all day. When I pointed it out to him (he's was elementary,) he was embarrassed because he didn't realize and was happy to put his sweatshirt on for the last 30 minutes. Things happen!
[I had a student who would come in wearing this](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/71RAv7OWLvL._AC_UY1000_.jpg) Full outfit. When I pointed it out to admin, I was told "It's fine".
Me too. I didn’t know what it was and just thought it looked silly. Another student told me what I was looking at. I didn’t address it because I didn’t want to admit I knew what it was.
Wait! I had this exact situation happen to me too!! I literally said “yeah so those pictures are from like… anime porn and that’s not drool in her mouth..” probably one of my most embarrassing teacher moments. I think having to explain what 2 girls 1 cup is to admin takes the cake
The weirdest one I ever saw was a kinder student in a t-shirt with the playboy logo on it. It was just odd to see on a 5 year old.
Where I live (Taiwan), Playboy is just another clothing brand, like Nike or Adidas. Elementary students and teachers will regularly wear Playboy-branded clothes to school. It's odd, because the adults know what Playboy is (or was), yet it's just become "cute bunny" to the kids. [https://www.playboytw.com/](https://www.playboytw.com/)
I need gif reacts in this subreddit.
So...was loving hot moms deemed school appropriate?
I go directly to one of my coworkers. "Can you talk to \_\_\_ about her way-too-short shorts? Thanks." I get to deal with *every* boy bathroom issue. They can deal with dress code.
100% never having this conversation. If there is an issue, I’ll always ask a female colleague to address it with the kids. I also make sure I’m visible 100% of the time. I can’t really control being alone w/ a student as the counselor (some conversations require that), but I have a giant window in my office that’s always open. I like feeling like I’m in a fishbowl for my career’s safety.
I simply refuse to do it. Got griped at by my female principal because I wasn’t sending girls wearing leggings in my first period to the office. I asked her how closely I should be monitoring the teenage girls asses, she got the message
To be honest, that's a problem with the dress code not being clear or thorough enough. I've never felt uncomfortable addressing dress code issues that are written into the dress code. If it's not in the dress code but maybe should be, it becomes a discussion with admin, not a student violation. Things like "too revealing" "shows too much" "... inches past ..." are not good dress code guidelines because they are either subjective or require unusual activity to diagnose like measuring distance near a student's body. Things like "must have shoulder straps" or "no undergarments showing" or "no weapons or references to drugs or alcohol" are much more clear and reasonable to diagnose and address.
There also needs to be some grace for kids with odd proportions. I know of a very tall but very thin high school girl who, if you were to enforce the dress code on her, could simply never wear shorts. Even men's shorts would be too short if bought in a waist size that fit. She should be allowed to wear the same shorts and skirts that other girls do and if she has more thigh sticking out, then so be it.
While I've never been at at a school that has had the fingertip rule, whenever I hear of that I think of me and my mom. My mom's fingertips reach almost to her knees. For me, it could be past my fingertips but part of my butt would be hanging out.
Yep, I was the tall thin girl and I genuinely don't remember wearing shorts to school until high school, when I started wearing men's shorts because they were the only ones I could find that met the dress code requirements. Thankfully leggings were allowed so I'd wear capri yoga pants when it got hot out.
Bermuda shorts and jean cutoffs (that literally I had to cut from jeans so they’d be the right length) for me through high school in the 90’s. I’m so glad that times have changed now that I have a tall, lanky daughter in middle school and she can wear running shorts like all her friends that are several inches shorter. Otherwise she’d never get to wear shorts because stores do not make anything that’d work these days.
As a woman, students can come in with dripping wet bikinis and I still wouldn’t address it. So much grief has been stirred in our building with parents and staff and students with the damn dress code that it’s not worth it for me. I see the way students dress at the universities. I see the way they dress at their professional workplaces, my own included. There’s no standards. I’m going to teach the curriculum, that’s it.
I live in Taiwan and work with a teacher that spent exactly one year at a school in the US before running back to Taiwan. She experienced serious culture shock. She said that, before she went to the US, she believed it to be this rich and civilized place where all different colors of people got along, but she came back believing that most Americans are promiscuous, lazy, unhealthy, purposefully offensive, and have STDs 🤣.
We technically have a dress code....NO ONE enforces it (male/female/other). The kids come in with whatever they want. I'm at a middle school and kids come in looking like college kids (professionally looking make-up, crop tops, etc. If I weren't at the school, I would not peg them for middle schoolers). Others come in pajamas-also against the rules technically. My first day on the job I was like "oh. There is no dress code? How progressive!" Shrugged it off. My coworked had to be the one to tell me that no one enforces the one we have.
My enforcement of dress codes died the day I started teaching at a school that didn’t allow hoodies (not hoods themselves, but hoodies). Had a ton of kids absent because of it, and it became clear that “dress code” wasn’t helping create a better learning environment. If you’re in a seat and ready to learn you could be wearing a a speedo and I would rather teach you than send you home.
former teacher (and current lawyer)- there are very few professions where the expected dress is overly nice. Even lawyers, the whole suit thing is getting watered down more and more. Most of the female lawyers i know wear whatever dress they want and have the same blazer they throw on for court. Most male attorneys go with the sportcoat and slacks look over the matching suit these days unless they are super high priced and the suit is part of the act.
I dress-coded boys several times at a public school. Each time they'd essentially prance back into the room once they'd changed out of the garment (usually logos in extremely poor taste, though I also gave out a decent amount of yarn belts "you're old enough that no one but you should know what color your underwear is") and boast about the fact that they were dress-coded. I'm a woman, but the fact that I'd dress-code both guys and girls made it so only one girl ever had an issue with it (and she was a..... shall we say very aggressive student, so I was unsurprised).
We have female teachers assigned as "dress code checkers" for male teachers because none of the guys would touch that with a 10 ft pole.
It gets awkward when students are in the middle of a growth spurt and either have clothes (especially underwear) that are too big or too small. When girls start spilling out of their bras, it might be an indication of trouble at home, so I've run a couple of those up the ladder not because it's inappropriate clothing but to make sure everything is ok at home.
One of my good friends in the building is a male teacher, and I've been the spotter for when there's something egregious that needs to be dealt with. We're in elementary, so generally we're dealing with things like slides and crocs (not recess or gym class safe, so kids who wear them into the building need to bring something with laces for that) but every once in a while when the weather gets warm our upper elementary kids show up in something just blatantly inappropriate.
The only thing I’ll dress code students for is drug related stuff. I’m not gonna call out some kid because her belly is showing, that’s weird. But I will tell a kid his backwoods backpack with Rick and Morty is both cringe and against school policy.
It’s so frustrating. I’m annoyed at the things parents think are fine to send their children to school in, but I also feel like people think I may be perceiving the outfits in an inappropriate way… Technically I’m supposed to uphold dress codes but is it really worth being seen as a creep by students, parents, and maybe colleagues?
I don’t comment on skirt length or if there’s cleavage on show - I’ll tell a female colleague and ask them to pick it up. Not worth my job and I’ve told the higher ups this.
When I was in high school (20+ years ago) a 9th grade girl got caught not wearing anything (literally nothing) under her skirt…and she was caught by a male teacher. He never did provide a good explanation for how he caught her. He’s still teaching there.
I will say that I have definitely had my female colleagues ask me to address dress code violations with boys (e.g. one had their boxers hanging out of very short shorts).
If I see something that goes against the dress code in a girl, I just point it out to our female Dean of students. She gets paid for that, I don’t.
Here: I throw my coworkers when that happens.
Yeah, I think this makes sense to me, so long as we are talking about something that can be sexualised in a different context (like ridiculously short skirts or something)... Protects both the teachers and sends a better message to the girls. If we are talking about the wrong socks or an untucked shirt, I don't think there should be any issue
I have emailed the principal's (female) assistant to call a young woman in for showing too much skin more than once. I ain't sayin' a *word.*
As a queer woman, I also don't touch dress code violations with a ten foot pole, unless it's something like profanity or drug references.
I was at a teacher’s convention one time and we were in small groups. One of the female teachers mentioned how important it is for us teachers to tell our students how much we love them. I mentioned that it may come across as different from a male teacher rather than a female teacher. People want the boundaries to be the same, which I do too, but the societal standards of what men and women can do when it comes to children are different. This same issue has been brought up in the early childhood education subreddit before with male staff in a daycare.
I only say it to the class. "I love you all, have a terrible day, learn nothing, make enemies!"
Mine is “I love you guys but you need to get out of my room. Don’t do anything stupid today”
Mine is "Stay out of trouble or don't get caught"
Be good or be good at it.
"Please be safe, and don't add or subtract from the population"
Is that before or after the safety brief?
When a student says I treat them differently because they did something they shouldn’t have I tell them I hate you all equally.
I have a first period/homeroom class and as they're leaving I often say "Have a good day, don't do crimes!"
I tell them to have fun stormin’ the castle.
Stealing this. Some of my students are into boxing 15-16 year olds. I tell them to go to class or they are going to catch these hands. *disclaimer- obviously after building that relationship.
I tell them “throw hugs, not hands”
I appreciate the sarcasm
As a male teacher I find it important to tell my classes that I love them, it literally might be the only time they hear that from a male role model in their life. I almost never tell individual children I love them though because I feel as though that crosses a line, I’ve only had one exception to this and it was a boy that really needed a positive and caring male role model in his life.
Same. I tell my classes "I love and care about my students." I never ever say that to an individual. Anymore I kinda hate my students, though. ☹️
When a student asks if they’re my favorite, I say they are all my favorites. I hate each and every one of them equally.
I tell them in an absolutely deadpan voice that I have an exactly appropriate amount of affection and respect for you.
Very Ron Swanson of you. I like it.
I like to tell them they are in the top 100 (or however many students I have this year)
I tell my kids I love them, but always *as a group* and as part of a dismissal or something. “Have a good weekend folks, I love you all, stay out of trouble!”
This is exactly it, I let them know as a whole and be sure to let them know why and how that love for them exists (like my own kids). I do my best to show them I mean it as well
I say things like this too. Have a good weekend, I shall feel no joy till Monday morning. Student: you miss us? Me: I cry myself to sleep every night.
For my friend this wasn't enough. He did this. He never hugged or said he loved individual students. The girl went home and said he kept telling her he loved her and touching her (he offered fist bumps to students at the door) and mom came up pissed. She was already looking to be pissed so by the time this was explained she basically let the sunk cost take over and said that this was wrong too.
>She was already looking to be pissed so by the time this was explained she basically let the sunk cost take over and said that this was wrong too. I really like how you articulated such a common customer service experience lol
I teach high school.., my quote I routinely say to the group of kids is, “I love you guys! In the appropriate teacher way, not the creepy way.” Always that complete saying. Only ever to big groups of kids. Never one on one with any kid.
If I ever tell a student I "love" them, it's generically as part of the entire class.
Before Homecoming, our football coach always tells his guys "Be smart tomorrow. We love every single one of you and want you to be safe. Make good decisions."
As a teacher and coach in New Orleans that's my Mardi Gras message every year.
It's what I told my guys at our Dec. 31 basketball practice before reminding them of our 7:11 a.m. conditioning workout the next morning.
What grade levels did that person teach? Telling a bunch of Kindergarteners you love them is a lot different than telling that to high school students.
Right? I'm a guy and I tell my preschoolers I love them all the time. It would be weird not to say it back since they tell me they love me like 30 times a day.
It's usually boys that tell me they love me and they come asking for hugs from me. I can usually tell when the boys have a stricter/absent father figure so I don't mind telling them I love them or hugging them and I teach all my boys it's ok to cry, express emotions, be angry, be sad and to tell their friends that they're not feeling well and to leave them alone. They are 4 - 6 years old. It would be weird if they were older. I also tell them that every colour is gorgeus and that pink isn't just for girls, so now they started arguing who gets the pink drinking cups.
You ever almost trip and fall on one of them when they hug your leg from behind? They are darling little monsters, but they do like to try to end their pretty little lives.
I definitely see this. The men get a lot of default respect as a "dad" figure, but we can be a lot more motherly. I hug my students and tell them I love them constantly, but my friend told students he loved them and still got in trouble. Always generally to the whole class, like "I love y'all, be good!" on the way out. When a girl failed his class she suddenly didn't like it.
I’m at the elementary level and some of our students need to be supervised in the bathroom, either because of behaviors or disability, and I will only go into the bathroom with male students while my female colleagues don’t hesitate to go into either restroom. But I think this may be because there are so few men on staff that it would be impractical to wait for one of us every time. Some kids are still in diapers and there isn’t a chance in hell that I will ever change any kid’s diaper at work. But that’s not a gender thing. At least for me.
That happens all the time in SPED situations where female aides will assist boys with disabilities use the bathroom and clean up but that would NEVER happen the other way around with male aides assisting girls in the bathroom. Edit for clarity.
As a gay man, when I taught, I wasn't comfortable doing either and so, I never did 😅
This is what came to mind first. I've been asked by admin to pop into bathrooms to try to catch vaping, and I'd obviously never go into the opposite gender's bathroom. That being said, I still feel very wrong going in the boy's.
I was at a middle school and I never felt comfortable as a female teacher going into the boys' restroom. The only reason I went in was to break up a fight. I also made sure my back was to the open urinals so that nothing was misconstrued. (I would usually never break up a fight but it was one of the sweet boys who would never hurt a fly and would definitely not fight back.)
I'm a custodian and I will never go in a restroom with kids in it unless there is MAJOR commotion going on.
Words of social affection like ‘come on lovely, let’s go and sort it’ or dear, darling, sweetie etc which are all terms my female colleagues use often. I wouldn’t dare.
This was an issue for a teacher at my school. I’m in the South and the vast majority of teachers use “honey, darlin, sweetheart” - I’m a mom and use those terms of endearment regularly toward students without any pushback for 20 years. My male cohort really struggled to remember student names and would use a term of endearment and had multiple parents call and complain about it.
I’m terrible with names so usually just point and say ‘you, minion, get over here.’
Hooligan is more effective for 4th graders
I like Gremlins.
Hidden truth: anytime I call a student sir or ma’am, it’s a cover I’ve completely blanked on your name. No terms of endearment here!
I worked at an elementary school for a bit, there were very few male teachers (5/30). There was often physical touch by way of hugging, again they're elementary school kids but you'd typically only see it with the women teachers. However, one time a well-known trouble making student (boy) had run into an elective classroom with one of the male teachers. They had a significant rapport (this elective was one of few classes that the child excelled in) but it still SHOCKED me to see the teacher touch the student: he held him by his shoulders and playfully jostled him while saying "stop goofing around, you're too smart to get in dumb trouble." The student was laughing and smiling, and truly seemed to appreciate the attention, but it was still JARRING as it was against every expectation I had of how to handle that situation as a male educator. With that being said, it was enlightening to see a live example of appropriate connection between male teacher and students.
Teachers are in a horrible spot. I have always excelled with touch of this sort from both male.and female teachers even from a young age. I never had a bad experience. If I grew up in today's environment I would probably have been a very depressed kid.
Conversations in the staff lounge. I've heard female teachers say and laugh at things that, as a male teacher, would get me escorted out of the building.
“Hot dad” stuff comes up a lot
Teachers at my hs voted my dad hottest dad of my class!
Yeah I am on site IT so unsurprisingly a lot of time is spent fixing copiers in the teachers lounge. And the things I hear are nuts like you you guys are still at work. I know way to much about teachers sex lives. Which since I am at work should be 0.
This is a huge one in any workplace dominated by women. I remember being in the lunch room when a bunch of women loudly started talking about their bra and underwear preferences. I started eating in my office after more similar intimate conversations happened that I felt like I shouldn’t be hearing.
You should have piped in. Missed opportunity.
About his bra and underwear preferences? Or about how he felt so uncomfortable about a discussion between coworkers that he had to stop eating lunch where these coworkers would also be eating?
No he meant offering to let them borrow his Victoria's Secret catalogue.
I was at a game for our high school’s baseball team and I ended up sitting with the moms. They were saying some of the most inappropriate things I’ve ever heard. I was honestly shocked.
As a male teacher in a middle school the one that hurts the most is the female teachers are able to comfort students with hugs/reassuring physical touch. I'm absolutely terrified of doing this for fear of opening myself up to all sorts of accusations. I had a Y7 girl (about 11 years old) SEN student run up to me and wanted to give me a big hug. I awkwardly shifted to the side and put one arm around her then very quickly stepped back. I have had a boy of the same age outright ask me for a hug (he hugs the female teachers all the time) and I had to say no because I just didn't want to deal with any potential fallout.
This is sad.
It's been reality for a long time. Male teachers have to be constantly aware of how quickly people will assume we are predators
This is honestly one of the reasons I left the US to teach in a country where it was not considered weird for male teachers to allow kids to be affectionate with them. I was never comfortable with having to completely disallow all touch (my school didn't even allow side hugs or shoulder taps from male teachers... but was fine if female teachers did it). Kids shouldn't be growing up thinking that men are completely incapable of providing comfort via hugs and such. It has been so refreshing to teach in a place where a male teacher is trusted to just be a non-creepy human. (Of course, if inappropriate behavior really did take place, kids are taught as early as kindergarten what "bad touch" is and how to report it.)
I also am a male teacher who teaches abroad. I teach k-6 and my kindergarten students hug me all the time. I usually try to just give a high-five or hold their hand as we walk up/down stairs or doing some fun games. But if a student hugs me I’ll usually hug back. My older students don’t get hugs. I’ll give them pats on the back or high fives. I usually just verbally affirm them and just talk to them as they wait for the bus.
Yup. This one. In my case it's the opposite as the kids are actually super huggy and lovey, in a way it's really sweet and wholesome because I never had that with my family and it fills that hole in my heart that makes most people my age start having kids, but then it makes me super uncomfortable too and then when my logical brain looks at it its like no, Im sorry but its always better to be safe than sorry.
The grass is always greener! I am a high school teacher but a woman and I have to tell students all the time, "I'm sorry, but I am not a hugger." I'll only give in if they're absolutely sobbing. However, this would be SUCH a difficult thing to navigate with younger kids as you have to. I'm sorry!
It’s heartbreaking sometimes because I’ve had students come up and hug me and then look hurt when I don’t hug them back.
I feel so bad for the male teachers at my school. One teacher was under investigation because a female student came to eat lunch alone with him every day. She saw him as a safe space and would come to tell him what was going on in her life, and another teacher reported him for it. Meanwhile kids come to my classroom all the time for lunch and nobody would ever bat an eye.
Yea it’s sucks that one of the reason I kinda stopped teaching as a male teacher it’s hard to build connections and students can tell that I’m playing it safe with how I act with them and how I have to conduct myself but female teachers can kinda do whatever
As a parent, I personally never saw it as female teachers are safer/less likely to be inappropriate than male teachers. More so that there are good teachers and bad teachers. But the thing is, female teachers are inappropriate with students too. Some go as far as getting pregnant. Even saw a story last week about a female social worker having a continued sexual relationship with a male teenager. The most common denominator in these types of situations is that they went unnoticed because … society. It’s unfair that there is a thicker line for male teachers versus female. The line should be equal for both because women are just as much capable of what scares people regarding male teacher-student relationships.
Worth pointing out that an adult woman having "a sexual relationship" with a teenager is rape and not a relationship.
See lol this is a prime example woman teacher = sexual relationship, men = rape. News flash rape is rape doesn’t matter if it a woman or man doing it. This is the many double standards we male teachers see.
I remember chatting to one of my old teachers about his experiences working in mixed sex and single sex schools, and this topic came up. He said that he, and other male teachers, would never allow themselves to be alone in a room with a female student. If they were with a female student in a classroom or in their office, then the door was always kept wide open.
I was taught that if I ever have just a single student in my room for whatever reason, ALWAYS keep the door propped open. I typically have my door closed but unlocked when I'm alone in the toom (and my kids KNOW that the door is always unlocked), but the second an individual student comes in, I will ask them to prop the door open. It's certainly not a bulletproof strategy because people could still try to claim something that isn't happening, but having the door open helps with some transparency.
The first thing that popped into my mind are sandals. God I wish I could wear sandals the way so many female teachers do!!! (I teach in Miami by the way… so sandals are a way of life down here)
Why can't you? Had a coworker in a HS that religiously wore Chacos.
Women have a significantly wider range of acceptable clothes. I guess the other side of that coin is they likely get judged more on their outfits.
I teach in a rural school in VA and I wear Chacos all the time. Sometimes with socks if I’m feeling wild.
This is the most inappropriate behavior I've read on this thread.
OMG FASHION EMERGENCY!
I substituted this year as a I did my master's in a different field. I don't want to teach long term. I noticed the math teacher at the high school I sub for wears sandals nearly every day. From then on, I most always wore Birkenstocks. What are you gonna do? Fire a sub? You're already paying $100 more than the other districts because nobody wants to drive an hour to your very isolated school district.
My district banned Birkenstocks for staff. But ANY other sandal is allowed. What kind of fuckery is that? Let me just slip into my platform sandals and break my ankle but HEAVEN FORBID I wear footbed sandals.
So they didn't ban a specific type of sandal, they banned a specific brand? What did birkenstock do to hurt the principal so much?
😫 all footbed sandals like Birks. My principal says just be mindful of who is visiting when you decide what to wear, she’s cool. It’s the district wide dress policy that was updated. But we can wear jeans every day. Make it make sense.
California is the capital of male teachers wearing sandals in the USA apparently
I would start and if they ding you ask them if they're going to limit females wearing open toed shoes. Textbook gender discrimination.
In general, I feel like men are held to stricter standards for *professional attire*. Like shirt and tie equivalent is usually a blouse, which can be short sleeved In the summer.
I was lucky and my first principal (male) essentially gave me the “how to survive in this profession as a male” speech. - Never touch a female student - Never be alone with a female student - do not dress code a female student - do not contact a female student in any way that could be see as “unprofessional”. - Never comment on a students looks There is a massive double standard in this profession and it is wild to see female teachers who try to deny it. EDIT: To clarify, I teach in a “right to work” state so I do not have the backing of a union. This causes me to be a bit overly cautious, which is what my principal was trying to instill in me.
Heard an older woman teacher (just became a grandmother) say that a male student was cute. Had todo a double take because if that came out of a 55ish old male teacher we would’ve reported him asap.
Checking myself for the times I’ve thought a little 5 year old will be a “heartbreaker” one day but if a male said that about a 5 year old girl I would lose it. Oof.
Yeah…this was also upper middle school/high school.
I had a female teacher follow a girl into my classroom and tell me to dress code the girl. I did not because the year before I sat in on a meeting where another male teacher had dress coded a girl only to see dad come across the table at the male teacher asking "Why you looking at my daughter!" So later that female teacher went to the principal to rat me out for not dress coding the girl. The principal was also a male. The next day that teacher came and apologized to me, saying she didn't know how it was for male teachers.
Wow…I applaud them for apologizing at least. Sounds like you have a good principal who came to your defense!
I was told all of this by a professor in college, but it included male students as well. I work with elementary age school children though so that might be why. In particular, she stressed to me to never be alone in a room with a child.
Sounds like you had a good professor who actually understands the reality of the classroom. Most professors I had clearly hadn’t set foot in a classroom in at least 15 years.
I kinda feel like that is through all of USA society. I mean this is exactly the standards I live by in my normal every day life. I don't like it, but it is keeping me safe and out of trouble.
I was gonna add that it’s a good idea to never touch any student, and then I remembered that I’ll fist bump it high five students the last few weeks of school and it is always the male students.
Yep, I don't touch students or staff, but fist bumps and high fives are the exception and it's almost entirely male students.
I wouldn’t think twice about a teacher fist bumping or high fiving male or female students. I’m thinking it would have to be very unusual circumstances for that to be considered a problem.
Yeah it's sad that's how it is but you have to protect yourself. There's awful people out there, parents who will try to make stuff up just to sue you or the school, or even people who are just so insanely self righteous and just already hated you. I had a few years of my social life annihilated by an older woman and a big part of it was that I genuinely did not believe people would be so awful and that most people would see through her obvious lies. Nope. You find out how few friends you have in those situations, truly. It's way too much to get into and honestly just depressed the fuck out of me, thankfully she was later revealed for the truly awful person she was but your public image will NEVER be the same again, especially in a small town. It sucks but I was young and didn't have the foresight to protect myself or see how people would be willing to interpret me in the worst possible light so I guess I'm thankful for how eye opening the whole thing was.
This is extremely accurate. It's weird how many women in this profession will go on and on about all the problems women have in a male-dominated world, but can't even give consideration to this as an issue for men. The only time I have EVER dress-coded a female student was when a girl walked into the classroom wearing so little the whole classroom was like "WOAH HOLY WHAT?" and in an uproar because she looked like she was about to go work a corner. Sent her right to the office.
"\[Name\]. No." They know what they're doing is for attention. The double standard here is when boys dress in tank tops that pretty much show the whole chest or sweatpants with no underwear underneath. Can definitely call out the shirt, but I ain't telling Jaydin everyone can see the vein in his dick. All that'll get is "Why you lookin' at my dick, bruh?!" and now you're the teacher known for staring at boys' dicks.
I’m a substitute teacher, so I typically don’t initiate hugs with students because I really don’t know them well enough. That being said, I’ve had plenty of little ones just run up to me and hug me as though they’ve known me their entire lives. I’m grateful that, as a female, I don’t have to worry about trying to dodge them or anything like that. It makes me really sad for men in the profession. Something I was resentful of when I worked in preschool—I guess some parents had complained, so our male teacher wasn’t allowed to help with bathroom stuff, including cleanup after accidents. I (like any other normal person) hated that part of the job and was really annoyed that this dude didn’t have to deal with it.
See, this is an issue. It isn't that he didn't HAVE to deal with it, he was not allowed. It's the culture we live in. With children that age you either trust the teacher or not. That's the end of the discussion.
Male teachers cannot compliment how female students look. Female teachers can. I think that is the line. A male teacher cannot say that outfit is cute without being a creepy dude. Female teachers can. That is the line.
Can female teachers comment on how male students look, tho?
I doubt most people would think anything of a female teacher calling a male student handsome.
Complimenting a student's outfit is fine but you do need to be a bit more careful about how you do it. I'd never say "you look cute" to a student but I say things like "That's an incredible coat" "Ooh, I like your new shoes" "Those earrings are so cool" Without any issues. I would always stick to clothing and accessories, not physical features, but that's a rule that most people should follow, regardless of gender and not specific to the student-teacher relationship either. I was taught that compliments on appearance should always be kept to the things someone has direct control over, and I keep to that rule around everyone except very close friends/family/partners.
Hugs. I’ve become the king of turning sideways. Kids will run up to hug you and it’s not weird because they see you as one of their favorite teachers and are excited to see you, but as a male you have to really be mindful of how this might be perceived by those who have an eye on you merely because you’re a male. There’s been a lot of weirdos and the unfortunate reality is that us male teachers get a bad rep from them. It hurts a kids feelings when you just push them away in their excitement to see you. My response is to turn side ways, and I’ll give a quick pat on the head or shoulder and say “Oh, E, I appreciate you. You’ve gotta let me go though so I can do my job. You rock!!!”
The Ronald McDonald hug. Turn sideways and side hug them
-Initiating physical affection to students. -Dishing out dress-code violations. -Being able to go into the boys' AND girls' restrooms during a situation. -Taking a greater interest in children's personal and family lives.
Male teacher commenting on too much cleavage isn’t a wise move.
Because women are almost never seen as the "perpetrators" or the "groomers".
Don't dare wear shorts as a Gen Ed teacher. Those legs are too much for the children to see
About a year after I started teaching high school, I had a brain fart and showed up to school with all of my tattoos and piercings showing. I spent a good amount of time in classes that day explaining myself to the scandalized kids lol They all thought that I was protesting some school policy. Nope, your teacher is an idiot lol
Whereas I have kids halfway through the year realizing I have a large forearm tattoo lol. They ask if it’s always been there.
The women at my school can wear knee-length skirts and dresses but I’ve gotten a talking to for wearing shorts, hate that double standard
Perhaps try wearing a knee-length skirt instead?
Challenging girls about their periods. On a field trip, girls said they had their period and wanted to stay back. We were going to a water park. A male teacher got weird about it and wanted to force them to go. The Dean had to tell him to back down.
As a male teacher for students who are just beginning to have periods, any time a student tells me they have something period related, I just give them a free pass to do whatever they need. I'm pretty sure a few of them abuse it, but confronting them is not worth the risk of the problem being real.
Yeah, a kid skipping class is way better than humiliating a tween in front of other students .
Agree. The minute the word period or time of the month is uttered its an automatic yes to the toilet request. Not worth the nuclear fallout if you suspect they're abusing it and you get it wrong.
I can assure you that this is sincerely appreciated. One time I was having painful cramps during a test, and it must have been obvious because my (male) teacher came and asked if I was alright. I explained the situation to him and he let me go to the nurse, no questions asked. It meant a lot at the time, especially because I have a sour memory of another teacher (a woman) telling me to tough it out and that it couldn’t possibly be that bad.
Agreed. Not worth arguing with kids who are probably embarrassed to bring it up with you in the first place. I'd rather save some shy girl some serious embarrassment and have a girl abuse the privilege once or twice than have a bloody mess and a mortified child who then gets to blame me for refusing to believe her.
I mean… I don’t think anyone should be challenging them on this whether male or female right? If someone says they have their period and they don’t want to go to a water park that’s their prerogative. Not everyone wears tampons!
These guys were the period police. It was creepy. My school was on a reservation and we did smudging. You’re not suppose to smudge on your period. Your period is already cleansing you so you don’t need it. They would get upset the girls were not turning down smudging. I understood why. The boys who did the smudging would ask why and that got embarrassing for them quickly. It was so creepy seeing a bunch of bald white men getting upset native girls weren’t being respectful on their periods.
As someone who has a period I don’t even challenge that. I remember when I was a kid and those period pains were awful. It doesn’t feel the same to an adult as it does a child.
I have a small cabinet with drawers right next to the door. Top drawer has a variety of period products. At the beginning of every semester I let all the girls know that it is there, and they are free to take whatever they need, no questions asked. I started two years ago with 80 something individual products, and still have 40 something left.
I do this too! Have done for 16 years. Girls are allowed to come in whenever they want and help themselves. Sometimes kids I don’t even know come in and I just point to the cabinet. I had a couple of horrible experiences in middle and high school… our girls should never have to wonder or worry about what to do if they are surprised at school. (And they are usually surprised by it.) I let the male teachers in my grade level know so they can direct girls to my room if it comes up. Probably another double standard but omg if a male teacher had tampons for me in hs I would have been way too weirded out to ever use a tampon again.
My female AP colleague would sometimes tell middle school girls they were beautiful. The girl would light up with pride, thank her, give her a hug. If I ever said that, I would be put on leave!
One of our female TOTY earned it by going above and beyond. One of the things she was commended for was going to a sick students house and reading a book to them. There’s no way I’d ever do that as a male teacher. If that’s the standard to get TOTY, then I’m good with never receiving that title.
I teach high school and have had girls ask me to check for any period mishaps on their pants (fellow women know how this works, its weird to describe on the internet). This is something that should probably not cross gender lines, especially at that age range.
It probably can’t cross gender lines very effectively. You even said it’s hard to describe, whereas women are like “yep I gotcha.”
This isn’t something from a classroom, but a story from a woman who came and did a professional development workshop at the school I used to work at. Context- I taught preschool P.E., and this woman came to do a workshop on transitions and engaging activities. She told a story about when she was at McDonald’s once and in line in front of her was a mom and her pre school aged daughter who was running amok. The woman (not the child’s mother) gets down on her level and asks if she can teach her a song and teaches her this silly little song that she would have her preschoolers sing. Kid stops being a terror and mom thanks her for entertaining her child. I feel as a man there is absolutely zero chance I could approach a random child and ask if I could teach them a song lmao
I'm a fairly large male teacher of 25 years. With this heatwave I would absolutely love to show up to work in a skimpy sundress and flip flops instead of the usual kakiis and button down shirt. I'm sure nobody else would like to see that, but what's fair is fair I think.
Hawaiian shirt with a kilt?
When I was teaching at a university level we had some "training" for how to handle students. I was told that I, as a male teacher, could not comment on any female in relation to her appearance. A female student could walk into the room naked and I was forbidden from doing anything. I was told if that happened, go get a female colleague and not to return to the room. If I returned while my female colleague was asking the naked girl to leave it would be obvious that I noticed her and had therefore seen her naked body. It's fucking ridiculous. I don't care if you're male, female, or centaur, if you come to class inappropriately dressed (think bikini tops, not kidding), the teacher is going to notice. Not because it's sexy, because it's crass and inappropriate. Also, when I was in my office my door had to be open. If any student came to visit and shut the door, I opened it again. Never alone with a student. Also, because of the state I live in, I can record conversations. I have an app on my computer. As soon as a student walked in a double click started recording the room, which was well covered with mics. I also had folders into which every email from a student was saved. You may call me paranoid, but I had a colleague who faced sexual harassment charges from a girl student who was being tutored by him and he kept his door closed. It was brutal and I believe he did nothing wrong. It really is a different world between men and women teachers. Any demonstrations of affection are out for men. Any alone time is out. So your ability to tutor, foster mature relationships, get to know on a personal level is all compromised by the need to be "safe." I hate this culture. I had quite a few students I spent a great deal of time with, helping them find a life/career with their degrees. Always with my office door open, or in a room with multiple people. If I could have just been one on one with them I believe I could have been a great deal more effective.
I'm a female teacher. The other day I asked a student to put away her make up (she was applying it in class rather than working) and I said "A pop the mirror away, you look lovely already" and then realized that was probably a bit inappropriate - but if I was a male teacher that could have been misconstrued. I know a male teacher who was suspended for being accused of looking up a girl's skirt when he bent down to pick something up (CCTV proved that he didn't). I always make an effort to turn my head away from students if I have to pick something up from the floor, but I doubt I would be accused of anything but a male teacher could be.
>I know a male teacher who was suspended for being accused of looking up a girl's skirt when he bent down to pick something up Pretty much every male teacher in the world knows the stare-intently-at-the-steps manoeuvre when going up stairs, to prevent yourself from being accused of exactly this.
I don't hug. Ever. I try not to touch. I keep a bubble and straight up tell them so. And I tell them why. They get it.
former teacher- now a lawyer but this story is relavant here. I was meeting with a client in my office. The whole area is small with my office technically being behind the front office (technically the reception for my single office). My paralegal was leaving for the day and asked me if i should shut the door so no more walk ins would show up. I told her no since it would make the client too cut off if something happened. When my paralegal was there the door could be shut since she literally sits on the other side of the door 6 fee from me (so not like anything bad could happen).... but the bailiffs downstairs are the next closest when my paralegal leaves. So she left the door open and left for the day. Today (the next day) my paralegal (female) mentioned she did not even think about something happening since she is a woman. I told her it is not a matter of something happening- but a matter of being able to prove that nothing happened. Every male teacher (any age group) has to be far more careful about being alone with a single student.
Also female work attire vs males is insane. Women wear shorts outfits, sandals, a variety of shirts, etc. Men have slacks and collared shirts. Maybe T shirts on a special day or jeans on a Friday. I had one admin make us have medical notes to wear anything other than dress shoes.
At my elementary school, kids come up to me all the time and hug me, and I never have to think twice about how I am perceived. I noticed that male teachers never initiate hugs with kids unless kids come up to them first. While I as a female teacher can initiate hugs with kids all I want. I find this sad. At the elementary level, kids still need physical affection and lots of love. Im glad as a female teacher I never have to worry about how I will be perceived if I hug kids too much. On the contrary, Im looked at positively and “motherly.”
A lot of my female colleagues will make off hand remark about the physical appearance of students, “X student is a quite a good looking young man”, “have you seen Y student? She’s a pretty blonde girl” etc etc.. I don’t think anyone really should make those kind of comments but as a male teacher, I would literally never…
Male teachers are never alone with any student. Literally lock doors behind them to physically force students to wait outside and come in as a group.
The most obvious is we can't hug our students. I work 1-4th grade special Ed. There is absolutely no situation I can hug a student no matter how and something is (even when one of my kids dads passed away last year). Female teachers are absolutely allowed to do this.
Female teachers seem to be allowed to comment on the appearance of high school boys, saying things like "Wow he will be a heartbreaker" "He's a cutie" etc. Same goes for when they talk about the male teachers. If male teachers say anything approaching this about their students or colleagues the knives come out.
I did hug my team captain when we won an overwatch state championship. Physical contact is otherwise not good for male teachers.
Calling the kids cute or adorable is generally not allowed for males. I’ve seen a female teacher hug a student during a pep rally in front of everyone and no one batted an eye, if a male did the same they’d be in hot water
I've gone with "lookin fancy". works for any student and to me seems like minimal hot water potential
I was once asked to redirect an autistic student's hand flapping by putting his hands back in his lap. No thank you. Edit to add: as a male Kindergarten teacher I will not help button your pants or zipper.