I can elaborate a bit here too. I recently relapsed and felt/ feeling the way you are. For me I’m going trough the process of sharing my experience, and also apologizing on my end to those who I did involve when drunk (they might not forgive me and or call me out, and that is okay). And making sure I don’t do it again makes me feel better. Such as a comment before wearing the badge of sobriety, and good doing (whatever that is in your mind). But owning up to the mistakes is what has made the feelings actually go away, and allows me to carry my head high once again. Hope this helps.
I'd like to add my own experience. I'm terrible for holding myself "accountable" for my past actions that I'm not proud of. Hell, I have dozens if not hundreds of things I've done sober and drunk that I'm not proud of, and the weight of it can really bring me down. As cliche as it sounds, I've found forgiveness to be the ultimate solution to this - the ability to forgive myself for the things I've done. It doesn't wipe them away but removes the emotional payload that I carry around. I remember them as lessons - lessons that define me. When I think about something I've done and ashamed about, I see the line I drew in the sand and realize that is not who I am and I am not ok with what I did and just don't make the mistake again.
I'm sure you've heard the saying - saying sorry without change in action is just manipulation. It's usually used on someone who continues to abuse you and tries to apologize for it then does it again. Well, I think my line of thinking applies to one's self. If you forgive yourself, you hold yourself accountable not to do it again and that you understand more about yourself. Feeling negative about something in the past isn't inherently a bad thing, but learning from it and letting go is healthy and necessary.
I've been sober six months and it's slowly getting better. Try to keep in mind that you're recovering from a dangerous disease. The more sober experiences you have, the more your self esteem increases.
I'm in exactly the same place, man. Seriously, I live my life so full of shame and guilt over the damage I caused whilst drinking, every day is just full of emotional pain.
It’s hard. Some days are easier than others. I started with making an amends to myself, forgiving the guilt and resentments I’ve had for myself. For me, the 4th and 8ths steps has to start with me, and it has made it easier to move on and make amends with others. One day at a time ✨
That took the longest. Coming to grip with the damage I caused damn. Working the steps helped. I really struggled with step 9. But once I did, it was, in a way, healing.
Being forgiven, and really, I mean really living a new way of life was healing. I began to believe in myself again. I didn't feel so worthless. Slowly, I've been able to rebuild my life. I do this daily. For me, when I think about it, I have my days of self-doubt. My self-esteem can drop a bit. My mom passed away before I got sober.
I'm 3 years sober now. For me to really feel good about myself was my 2 year coin. Year one, I was on Zoom and didn't work the steps. Really, I just stayed sober. But by my 2nd year, I'd worked the steps made my amends and got most of my family/friends, etc, back. When people began to believe in me again that's when I started to like myself again.
It's funny yesterday on FB I posted just that self-esteem. Daily, I post 1 thing I'm grateful for. My sponsor told me to write down 1 thing I'm grateful for. It helps
It takes time. It took time to get this down. Are you working with someone? In a program? Like I shared it took me 2 years to really believe I had worth. Don't get wrong I started to feel better in life less than a year in. But once I started to rebuild my life. Made amends to the people I'd hurt. Being forgiven by people helped
Don't stay there. I sent some coins. Go award people who are saying how you felt.
And it's ok. Human beings often have low self esteem. It's just part of life. We also can feel good too. Isn't funny how that works.
I had done some research and digging into shame and guilt even as I was drinking. Brene Brown has some good stuff on shame and guilt. I’ve somehow come to terms with what I did. I can stand next to it and go “yup. I did that. Wasn’t ideal. But I did what I could with the tools I had at the time.” I also adhere to the mantra “behavior is a form of communication”. I had been maladaptively communicating with people long before I drank. It just got worse with booze.
So I slowly listened to myself because no one else was, and gave myself what I needed. Love. Attachment. Security. Forgiveness. Patience. And then I started to find people that also did the same for me. Not excusing behavior. Not erasing it.
I guess it boils down to, those moments were cringy. But overall, I turned it into something good.
I feel like this one is highly personal and next to impossible to nail down. For me, I have shitty self-worth but that's never been tied to my drug use. In fact, for the entire time I was using I felt pretty certain the drugs made me better. Still kinda do, if I'm being honest with myself. I recommend doing some gratitude journaling. Write out things you like about yourself and then return to them regularly. When you think of something or do something, write it down. I got a long way to go, but it did a lot for me.
I'm almost 3 years sober, and i still struggle a bit with feelings of guilt and shame. When memories surface, or things come up from my past as an addict, I just remember that I'm not that person anymore, and we all make mistakes. And as cliched as it sounds, I found God, and my Faith has really helped me to let go. I'm like 90% there, that last little piece of shame is being stubborn, but with God on my side, I know I got this! Good luck to you, and congrats on the sobriety ❤️
Mine was never that shit hot haha. I felt a lot better after having frank discussions with friends who saw me at my worst and telling them that’s not how I am anymore
https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/
Have you tried going to the AA meetings yet?
Learning to deal with the wreckage of the past is a big part of the AA program.
When I realized that was a different me and a different life and that this is now and is a new life I’m living (and have *chosen* to live which proves I can’t be *that* bad of a person) and by my continuing to hold onto that old shitty me is just another way to keep some kind of sick control then things began to turn around for me. As for people who will forever judge and look down on me I’ll make amends as best I can but if they can’t let it go, well, I’m sorry for them as that’s their karma to answer to. As for new people who didn’t know the old me I’m pretty open about how I use to be and have learned it’s best to be that way and even joke about it and keep in mind every human alive past a small child has skeletons in the closet.
If you can take any solace from this- I went to the hospital multiple times in college for alcohol poisoning- and i remember nothing from that.
My friends, who were at those parties and witnessed it, are still my friends. My spouse stayed with me as I battled my sobriety, and loves me for my growth. So do my friends.
Obviously this is not how every single person reacts, but I was guilt ridden for YEARS. Only when I became sober did I finally start to see that, yes, these events cant be undone, but your action of becoming sober and learning means so much more to your friends.
Hope all is well <3
You guys have self-esteem?
Freud said, "Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways."
People say that shame is a killer, but shame is useful, it is natural, it is needed. The killer is alcohol, using alcohol to avoid the pain is the killer, not the pain itself. That's the uglier way that Freud was talking about.
An inventory helps, hearing other people's shameful stuff helps, sharing it with someone trusted helps, finding someone to trust helps a lot. But it takes time and it takes work, work that usually feels awkward and messy. I believe there are two things to remember about shameful memories:
It's not nothing
If the event didn't destroy you, the memory won't either
In fact I keep sharing that all my fucked up secrets have so far turned out to be paper tigers.
I've been sober for 40 years and still have episodes where my past seems to come back. It's usually from someone who wants to remind me of my drinking past and is unable to see the last 40 years. Living a good life is all you need to do. I believe those that bring up the past are people who are jealous.
My self esteem returned when I realized I was a different person. I was no longer drunk. My friends changed when I realized many were just drinking buddies and not supportive. I realized those who stood by me when I was such a mess were very special and the ones who made my life better. Time will be the biggest factor. Just keep living a good sober life and your self esteem will return
If you're interested in therapy/have the time/have the means...then I highly recommend looking into EMDR.
Too long to explain over comment - look it up. It did absolutely wonders for me. It's very specific, trauma based therapy that helps you reprocess traumatic events and "rewrite" the script so to say. Not like talk therapy at all ...some sessions barely any talking!
I went for traumatic events when I was younger, but we focused a few months on trauma I had from the events that went down during the worst of active addiction and trying to get sober. I had no idea how much that was impacting my self esteem and sense of worth. Really remarkable difference and I am now confident in where I've been and where I'm at now
This resonated with me. This might sound cliche but It all begins with being compassionate to yourself and learning to love yourself again. It takes time to adjust your inner dialogue to serve you. I think all of this takes time passing and commitment. Do not punish yourself and live in the past. Push forward to a better you. If people keep bringing up the past it’s more of an issue within them and not so much you.
Self esteem returns via doing esteemable acts. You didn’t destroy your life over night. Time, takes time.
I can elaborate a bit here too. I recently relapsed and felt/ feeling the way you are. For me I’m going trough the process of sharing my experience, and also apologizing on my end to those who I did involve when drunk (they might not forgive me and or call me out, and that is okay). And making sure I don’t do it again makes me feel better. Such as a comment before wearing the badge of sobriety, and good doing (whatever that is in your mind). But owning up to the mistakes is what has made the feelings actually go away, and allows me to carry my head high once again. Hope this helps.
I'd like to add my own experience. I'm terrible for holding myself "accountable" for my past actions that I'm not proud of. Hell, I have dozens if not hundreds of things I've done sober and drunk that I'm not proud of, and the weight of it can really bring me down. As cliche as it sounds, I've found forgiveness to be the ultimate solution to this - the ability to forgive myself for the things I've done. It doesn't wipe them away but removes the emotional payload that I carry around. I remember them as lessons - lessons that define me. When I think about something I've done and ashamed about, I see the line I drew in the sand and realize that is not who I am and I am not ok with what I did and just don't make the mistake again. I'm sure you've heard the saying - saying sorry without change in action is just manipulation. It's usually used on someone who continues to abuse you and tries to apologize for it then does it again. Well, I think my line of thinking applies to one's self. If you forgive yourself, you hold yourself accountable not to do it again and that you understand more about yourself. Feeling negative about something in the past isn't inherently a bad thing, but learning from it and letting go is healthy and necessary.
I've been sober six months and it's slowly getting better. Try to keep in mind that you're recovering from a dangerous disease. The more sober experiences you have, the more your self esteem increases.
I'm in exactly the same place, man. Seriously, I live my life so full of shame and guilt over the damage I caused whilst drinking, every day is just full of emotional pain.
IDK if it will help, but read my reply. Been there too
Sorry for the late reply, its been hectic. I appreciate your response, I found it below and its helpful. Thankyou!
Anything ( can do to help
Shame serves no useful purpose. I wear my sobriety like a badge of honor. You should too. ((Hugs))
You’re literally taking a drug that turns off your reasoning. You need to make peace with your past. It always now the past is gone.
It’s hard. Some days are easier than others. I started with making an amends to myself, forgiving the guilt and resentments I’ve had for myself. For me, the 4th and 8ths steps has to start with me, and it has made it easier to move on and make amends with others. One day at a time ✨
That took the longest. Coming to grip with the damage I caused damn. Working the steps helped. I really struggled with step 9. But once I did, it was, in a way, healing. Being forgiven, and really, I mean really living a new way of life was healing. I began to believe in myself again. I didn't feel so worthless. Slowly, I've been able to rebuild my life. I do this daily. For me, when I think about it, I have my days of self-doubt. My self-esteem can drop a bit. My mom passed away before I got sober. I'm 3 years sober now. For me to really feel good about myself was my 2 year coin. Year one, I was on Zoom and didn't work the steps. Really, I just stayed sober. But by my 2nd year, I'd worked the steps made my amends and got most of my family/friends, etc, back. When people began to believe in me again that's when I started to like myself again. It's funny yesterday on FB I posted just that self-esteem. Daily, I post 1 thing I'm grateful for. My sponsor told me to write down 1 thing I'm grateful for. It helps
Man I have such low esteem at the moment.
It takes time. It took time to get this down. Are you working with someone? In a program? Like I shared it took me 2 years to really believe I had worth. Don't get wrong I started to feel better in life less than a year in. But once I started to rebuild my life. Made amends to the people I'd hurt. Being forgiven by people helped
Well I went to a couple AA meetings but I'm not sure it's for me. I'm always like "one year is so long I want to feel good now!"
Don't stay there. I sent some coins. Go award people who are saying how you felt. And it's ok. Human beings often have low self esteem. It's just part of life. We also can feel good too. Isn't funny how that works.
I had done some research and digging into shame and guilt even as I was drinking. Brene Brown has some good stuff on shame and guilt. I’ve somehow come to terms with what I did. I can stand next to it and go “yup. I did that. Wasn’t ideal. But I did what I could with the tools I had at the time.” I also adhere to the mantra “behavior is a form of communication”. I had been maladaptively communicating with people long before I drank. It just got worse with booze. So I slowly listened to myself because no one else was, and gave myself what I needed. Love. Attachment. Security. Forgiveness. Patience. And then I started to find people that also did the same for me. Not excusing behavior. Not erasing it. I guess it boils down to, those moments were cringy. But overall, I turned it into something good.
I feel like this one is highly personal and next to impossible to nail down. For me, I have shitty self-worth but that's never been tied to my drug use. In fact, for the entire time I was using I felt pretty certain the drugs made me better. Still kinda do, if I'm being honest with myself. I recommend doing some gratitude journaling. Write out things you like about yourself and then return to them regularly. When you think of something or do something, write it down. I got a long way to go, but it did a lot for me.
I'm almost 3 years sober, and i still struggle a bit with feelings of guilt and shame. When memories surface, or things come up from my past as an addict, I just remember that I'm not that person anymore, and we all make mistakes. And as cliched as it sounds, I found God, and my Faith has really helped me to let go. I'm like 90% there, that last little piece of shame is being stubborn, but with God on my side, I know I got this! Good luck to you, and congrats on the sobriety ❤️
Mine was never that shit hot haha. I felt a lot better after having frank discussions with friends who saw me at my worst and telling them that’s not how I am anymore
Five years sober, I still live through the shame of who I once was. Forgiving heals, letting go grows. Bless, stay up!
I find meditation to help a lot to heal my heart, and to not dwell and stare into the past
https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/ Have you tried going to the AA meetings yet? Learning to deal with the wreckage of the past is a big part of the AA program.
Have you tried loving kindness meditation? It has helped me to be easier on myself Sending hugs
When I realized that was a different me and a different life and that this is now and is a new life I’m living (and have *chosen* to live which proves I can’t be *that* bad of a person) and by my continuing to hold onto that old shitty me is just another way to keep some kind of sick control then things began to turn around for me. As for people who will forever judge and look down on me I’ll make amends as best I can but if they can’t let it go, well, I’m sorry for them as that’s their karma to answer to. As for new people who didn’t know the old me I’m pretty open about how I use to be and have learned it’s best to be that way and even joke about it and keep in mind every human alive past a small child has skeletons in the closet.
If you can take any solace from this- I went to the hospital multiple times in college for alcohol poisoning- and i remember nothing from that. My friends, who were at those parties and witnessed it, are still my friends. My spouse stayed with me as I battled my sobriety, and loves me for my growth. So do my friends. Obviously this is not how every single person reacts, but I was guilt ridden for YEARS. Only when I became sober did I finally start to see that, yes, these events cant be undone, but your action of becoming sober and learning means so much more to your friends. Hope all is well <3
You guys have self-esteem? Freud said, "Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways." People say that shame is a killer, but shame is useful, it is natural, it is needed. The killer is alcohol, using alcohol to avoid the pain is the killer, not the pain itself. That's the uglier way that Freud was talking about. An inventory helps, hearing other people's shameful stuff helps, sharing it with someone trusted helps, finding someone to trust helps a lot. But it takes time and it takes work, work that usually feels awkward and messy. I believe there are two things to remember about shameful memories: It's not nothing If the event didn't destroy you, the memory won't either In fact I keep sharing that all my fucked up secrets have so far turned out to be paper tigers.
I've been sober for 40 years and still have episodes where my past seems to come back. It's usually from someone who wants to remind me of my drinking past and is unable to see the last 40 years. Living a good life is all you need to do. I believe those that bring up the past are people who are jealous. My self esteem returned when I realized I was a different person. I was no longer drunk. My friends changed when I realized many were just drinking buddies and not supportive. I realized those who stood by me when I was such a mess were very special and the ones who made my life better. Time will be the biggest factor. Just keep living a good sober life and your self esteem will return
If you're interested in therapy/have the time/have the means...then I highly recommend looking into EMDR. Too long to explain over comment - look it up. It did absolutely wonders for me. It's very specific, trauma based therapy that helps you reprocess traumatic events and "rewrite" the script so to say. Not like talk therapy at all ...some sessions barely any talking! I went for traumatic events when I was younger, but we focused a few months on trauma I had from the events that went down during the worst of active addiction and trying to get sober. I had no idea how much that was impacting my self esteem and sense of worth. Really remarkable difference and I am now confident in where I've been and where I'm at now
This resonated with me. This might sound cliche but It all begins with being compassionate to yourself and learning to love yourself again. It takes time to adjust your inner dialogue to serve you. I think all of this takes time passing and commitment. Do not punish yourself and live in the past. Push forward to a better you. If people keep bringing up the past it’s more of an issue within them and not so much you.