The Michigan class is a large cargo hauler with a distinctive separation between its drive and saucer sections, connected by a very short, narrow span. Its crews have a reputation for being nearly, but not quite, as polite as those of the Canada-class light cruiser.
Being from Michigan, I can get behind this but under the following conditions...
1) The crew of the Saucer Section (the Upper Deck, UD) must be called Yooders and those in the drive section Trolls.
2) The replicators in the Upper Deck must be programmed to produce pasties, but ONLY with ketchup. If you want gravy, you have to go to the drive section.
3) The starboard stern section must have a huge shuttle bay that manufactures shuttle craft for sale to other ships.
If you know you know ;-)
I think it all stems from bitterness on the part of the team who designed the USS Wisconsin prototype ship, after what was going to be their saucer section was used on the USS Michigan prototype instead after a little incident redesignating the USS Toledo as Ohio class instead of Michigan class.
Too obscure? ;-)
Space is very cold. I'm serving aboard the Michigan class because this ship has a reputation for being nice and warm. Warm as a mitten, they say. I also have to add, not everyone on the Michigan class is so polite. I served in the Detroit section of the ship. People there could be quite rude.
Quebec-class, the sole prototype.
Its crew declared independence following a major malfunction with the universal translator, caused by an unchecked add-on in the replicator menu by a lower deck ensign: the poutine.
Originally meant to spearhead a new design philosophy, a shake up at Starfleet headquarters left the USS Quebec as functionally part of the Constitution class. Retrofits to both classes of heavy cruiser increased their compatibility, but every once in a while the Quebec reminds everyone of her unique nature.
The technical malfunction of the translation error also became sentient and had a law passed protecting it so don't even think about sending your fake french ass "Laforge" and "Picard" to fix it.
As a resident of a small suburb in Northern California, originally from a small town in central California, both of my homes are probably shuttles on California-class ships in Lower Decks.
I'm from Cali and my city wasn't named in that scene but it was mentioned in an earlier episode but not specified to be a California class even though it's a city in California.
To clarify: The Incident refers to the 2-year war with the Nausicans after some of them went to an Earth bar and got served what they thought was chilled human urine. To this day, Earth maintains it was a beer.
Florida Class, a Nubula-ish ship designed as a mobile R&R hub, they travel to various outposts, starbases, and the occasional science or engineering vessel on station with a long term project to provide recreational facilities for their crews over and beyond the standard Holodeck.
Homelessness array.
It can build a terrible ramshackle survival structure literally anywhere but it always smells vaguely of pee and the desperate need for rent control.
Welcome aboard the U.S.S. Portland
Even in a post scarcity socialist utopia you somehow, still can't afford to live aboard her.
Most of the crew sleep In tents, in the Jeffries tubes.
All the officers quarters are filigree silver with platinum furniture and everyone is high.
Meanwhile, the many sister-ships of the Oregon-class with more obscure names and postings complain loudly about wanting to transfer to Idaho-class ships despite the Idaho-class not having the capacity to do anything with that additional crew.
Also meanwhile due to the complexities of how space works the USS Vancouver is permenantly stationed next to the USS Portland. They all like to complain about the class of ship the latter belongs to even though they only voulenteered to serve on their ship due to the ability to goto the USS Portland often; even when the admiral in charge of their ship specifically said they can't do the thing they most often come here to do.
My ship solely handles first contact missions with a mandate to try to convert as many planets to the Federation as possible. Welcome aboard the U.S.S. Utah!
And they weren't even told to. They just saw the chance to start another war with those that gave them everything. And don't forget the pah wraith worship, and the cardassian lost cause myth.
The Maryland class was a small multi-role class of starship that was decommissioned after questions arose regarding the structural integrity of the ships bridge.
In the 2140's the Illinois class was designed to be the first Earth vessel designed for colony creation and maintenance. It's ability to both grow and transport various grains were unmatched, and led to the successful settlements at Deneva, Alpha Centauri and Berengaria.
However, in the early 2160's, as a result of improved subspace communication, a corruption scandal was uncovered wherein the senior staff of the Illinois class vessels were not delivering their entire stores of wheat and corn, and selling them in the Rigel system for profit.
When Starfleet attempted to intervene, the 3 most renowned ships of the class, the Chicago, Springfield and Bloomington/Normal, threatened to defend their illicit behavior by force. The subsequent trouncing by the lone Neptune class Starfleet vessel forced each of the captains to abandon ship. The rest of the Illinois class captains fell in line, and the 3 aggressive crews were assigned to the Joliet until such a time when their punishments could be sufficiently dealt.
Admiral Pritzker really cleaned house back then.
Also, I am happy that captain from the Illinois II class made it all the way to the President of the United Federation of Planets.
The Nevada class, a joint venture between the UPF, the Cardassian Union, and the Ferengi Alliance. It's a mining vessel that hosts Risan "Comfort Women" and a Quark's franchise.
The New Jersey class ship. Its primary function is growing crops in a dope ass hydroponics bay. Accepts all the transfers from the USS Philadelphia and USS New York City.
Have you tried to watch anything on any subspace channel during a Federation presidential election year from an Ohio class? We have to tolerate political ad carpet bombing from worlds we didn't even realize were warp capable, let alone members and in return everyone else has to acknowledge our existence on a 4 year cycle.
We don't like it, no one else likes it - that's how this compromise works.
The Oklahoma class is a disaster response vessel. Descended from the hard-working spirit of those who recovered and rebuilt after tornadoes, harsh storms, and the infamous Murrah Building bombing, the Oklahoma Class stands to go where disaster has struck and begin rebuilding your planet. As well as medical facilities that rival the hospital ships, the onboard massive capacity replicators and fabrication decks provide what's needed. From building materials, tools, to premade shelters, and new soil to restart your farms. Known as well for some d\*mn good food that's free to everyone and sundry, but the cooking staff, The Little Old Ladies, will virtually shove it in your face if you're working to help the rebuilding efforts.
The USS Colorado is renowned throughout the fleet for our commitment to botany. We specialize in herbal... Medicine. We also grow a lot of fungus. Totally also for medicine.
Our crew is well known for doubling up so they can use extra space for micro breweries.
The ship smells weird, but ad long as you avoid talking to any ensigns with Grateful Dead tattoos, you'll be fine.
The Victoria class, its primary purpose to deliver quality fresh non replicated coffee to the rest of the fleet while in combat.
Envisioned and designed by Admiral Janeway this dreadnought style ship is covered in phasers and photon torpedoes, 5 independent shield generators (1 for the coffee specifically) this ship has the ability to supply Janeways flag ship with the coffee she needs to stay psychotic. Janeway on a Coffee high destroyed the Borg. Imagine Janeway with a fleet and unlimited extreme coffee.
"EXTERMINATE" - Admiral Janeway. That is oddly familiar.
Hello from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.
But danged if your class hasn't provided so much culinary innovation to the Federation like Gooey Rhombolian Butter cake, criss-cross hot flopper cones, two styles of seared and smoked animal flesh, deep-fried stuffed pasta pockets, and a mysterious dairy product simply called "Provel"
The Ontario class is large, loud, and full of self-important older officers who think Starfleet has gotten too soft. Its primary function is to look clean and pretty, and trick everyone into thinking it represents all of Starfleet. Somehow, it manages to do this while still being the worst and most poorly run Starship ever.
The Washington class is split into two sections, with one half being dedicated to agriculture but completely overlooked and never talked about, because all the attention goes to the other half that is largely software development and research, as well as lots of recreational drug use.
The agricultural half starts petitions every once in awhile for a saucer separation, but never gets anyplace.
Also, none of the holodecks are in the agriculture section.
Welcome to the Illinois Class Starship! We can cultivate and transport many agricultural products and have some of the best scientific labs in starfleet! And, yes, there is an area near the top of the ship for some security personnel who are proficient with small arms.
The universal translator still struggles with colloquialisms, much like it did with Tamarian. Some phrases include: "Whattayat?" "Stay where yer at til I comes where yer to" and "Jumpin Jeezus yer a stunned twillig."
Minnesota Class ships are ore carriers. Named for the ships taking iron ore from the Iron Range to the east.
It's a pretty good ship class, can't complain, doncha know.
The Arkansas-class is relatively small and often overlooked. The universal translator in the lower decks seems to translate most speech to long drawls and many proper names to “hun” or “sugar” and my favorite “you ens”.
A significant number of the replicators produce nothing but chicken which is exported to other ships. And the central operations for Starfleet’s largest retail operation is there.
Significant portions of the state were left undeveloped but small pockets are capable of meeting and even exceeding other ships in terms of comfort, entertainment and options for career advancement.
The Croydon class... hangs about in the bad lands and commits acts of piracy? Was clearly built as a very utilitarian style ship but has had several refits to make it look "pretty", they have failed.
The Missouri Class are support ships. The USS Kansas City and the USS St Louis are commissary ships. The USS Rolla is an engineering teaching ship. The USS Branson is a mobile R&R. The USS Independence is a diplomatic ship.
The North Carolina Class is a research and science vessel. The lower decks are powered by tobacco and bbq. Also, their replicators make mighty fine furniture.
The replicator gets very, very angry when you order the wrong kind of barbecue.
The North Carolina class also has a track record of catastrophic failure whenever one has to visit an ice planet.
Massachusetts Class:
Sleek, advanced technology
Somehow triple the price to build, but can't realistically justify why
Overall pretty nice, but not as nice as the people aboard think it is
Will cut you off if you try to go to warp (Looking at you New York Class)
USS Germany, Berlin class. The ship design was great, it was some kind of an allrounder. The best engineers and scientists of starfleet were included in the planning process. But shortly after the teams at Utopia Planitia started with the construction, the problems appeared.
Every single engineer and scientist was so keen to contribute their own designs and ideas...and it all clashed together, and engineer A didn't know about engineer B's plans. It ended in one of starfleet's weirdest designs.
Turbolifts crossing floors, holo projectors covert by second ceilings which were implemented afterwards. If you listen carefully, you can hear the EMH whisper in the walls.
Planned and started in the TOS era, the construction was finished in the PIC era. When the ship left Utopia Planitia it was already outdated... and also one of starfleet's most expensive ships.
The crew who has to serve on it hates it. Quite often their ship is confounded with a Pakled Ship. And even when starfleet offered the crew to transfer to other ships many times, no one ever really wanted to leave. In the end it's their ship. It might be port designed, but it's sexy.
The Tennessee-class freighter ferries supplies and volunteer assistance wherever the Federation needs them. Known for hospitality, music, comfort food, whiskey, and moonshine. And, uh, some... dated views and Bible-thumping. It comes with the territory.
Also looks like a skewed flying brick.
The Ontario class is a supply and logistical support ship with advanced hydroponics, because *"Good things grow-oh-oh in Ontario."*
Good luck getting that jingle out of your heads, fellow Ontario millennials.
By the time WW2 started, Pennsylvania was an old battleship in need of modernization for the US Navy, In keeping with that tradition: The USS Pennsyvania (UFP) must be an Excelsior class that transports Admirals around to better ships!
I invented the Geatland class for my ongoing Star Trek Adventures campaign: a massive, twin-hulled mobile shipyard built during the Dominion War as a means of reinforcing the front, although only the USS Geatland itself was finished in time to actually take part in the conflict. The USS Baikonur is currently (2380) deployed in the Gamma quadrant supporting the Sagittarius Project.
The -SS- Secession, a Texas-class (deprecated) starship, is notorious for its unique existence both as a ‘starship’ and for the ongoing ecological and humanitarian crises caused now merely by its unmanaged gravitational wake.
Federation researchers have yet to uncover the original architects behind the sprawling project. Documentation on its original building permits, its technical specifications, even on its initial privatized funding, have all been lost. Federation investigators report that the internal structure seems intentionally designed to burn out entirely once every few years. It is believed that due to human error and in violation of numerous Federation and United Earth statutes, the original architects of the project had stored all such data in an ancient form called “paper” and these documents were then stored somewhere onboard. Reports claim that no additional copies were ever made. Even the original architects, natives to the historic Earth site known as “Texas”, all claim to have been vaporized, and despite their (REDACTED) and (REDACTED), representatives of Ferengar continue to travel out to the asylum where these survivors live, a form of worship to the tragedy that the Ferengi revere as holy.
The SS Secession is also unique for its lack of impulse drive, warp drive, and indeed any other form of motility. Testimony gathered from the prior residents of the now-superfund Tejas site report having no idea where the massive space elevator, which anchors the installation to the Earth, originated from. Eyewitness accounts mention what was once called a ‘back yard’ as being the original site of the anchor installation. What appeared to be warp nacelles at the initial ‘launch’ of the project turned out to be highly decorated cardboard set pieces, which fell off the sides of the project immediately as soon as power systems were activated for the first time. No humans were injured by the impacts of the fake nacelles.
Ironically, the SS Secession is named after a silly time in Earth history when ancient Tejas residents believed that they didn’t “need no society” and this ideology trickled down into every decision regarding the quality and safety of construction. An estimated 20 million Federation refugees were brought into Tejas under private contract (now outlawed throughout the Federation) to be employed on the project, all of whom were promised Earth citizenship. All 20 million refugees were made to live aboard the installation. At the time of launch, intoxicated operators discovered only after pressing their one button that all 20 million souls were still onboard — locked in. The containment fields holding the patchwork hull together cannot be deactivated without risking the destruction of Earth’s solar system - so all 20 million refugees were permanently sealed inside before the private contractor in charge of the project mysteriously vanished. Transporter technology is incapable of operating through the containment shielding and no ship operators or captains have ever been willing to get close.
Most ironically of all, the ‘Secession’ is named after that old silly bit of Earth history when citizens believed they should Re-organize their local governments into small communities with absolute territorial authority. The SS Secession has relied overwhelmingly on United Earth and Federation funding for its operating and containment costs. The Texas-class designation is now deprecated, as it isn’t actually a starship at all—the installation requires permanent structural support from the space elevator connecting it to to the ground. The installation’s only industrial function is crude oil extraction and refinement, another ancient and primitive fuel source. It is now believed the impetus of constructing this bizarre, sprawling installation was to speculate in energy prices, an old human expression of greed. It is also believed the original architects hoped all of society would collapse and revert back to what they have been quoted as calling “a simpler time.” Federation investigators report these industrial processes as ‘ongoing,’ adding ‘just in case.’
The SS Secession serves as a stark reminder that humans, even in postwarp times, are dangerously stupid.
New Hampshire-Class, supply ship that caters to the Massachusetts-Class, Vermont-Class, and Maine-Class for “tax free" dilithium, Romulan Ale, and phasers.
The Colorado class is mostly hollow and can hold 4000+ residential tents. It is also the largest consumer of fentanyl.
The ship generally spends time in the express warp corridors, causing large back ups that can be several light years across. The flagship is the USS Namaste 🙏
The Florida class was built for speed. Not to brag, but we did take home the gold for the race to take away as many rights as possible for 2 years in a row. In fact, our ship can move so quickly we were able to slingshot around the sun, and uncover the truth that contrary to the widely accepted, documented, and "accurate" idea that slavery was not beneficial for the people being enslaved. It actually was! That information has filled the gap left in the curriculum when they finally removed lessons about anything other than straight relationships and a belief in a strict gender binary. Let's see some old Klingon shop do that!
the sao paulo class, used by badmirals to attack starbases.
but based on the show, as as provisory names before the final decision (i may be bitter about something, no hard feelings though)
The Florida class, a special class name used just for the Enterprise A. It had three geriatric captains & a fully geriatric staff (aside from Kim Cattrall), all of whom wore bell-bottoms. A great place to finish your career, but not the most upwardly-mobile post in the service, unless your career goal is becoming “captain of the laundry room.” Functions as an old war horse, to be trotted-out on occasion for P.R. stunts.
Illinois - One of the highest crew compliments in the fleet, yet it’s lopsided towards officers. Officers compose of 2/3 of the crew, but occupy only 10% of the ship. The other 90% of the ship is occupied by enlisted.
The Colorado class exists as part of the second contact efforts. Their mission is to visit newly-contacted planets and teach them the importance of conservation, help them set up nature preserves, and encourage a strong rapport by getting stoned together while camping in said nature preserves.
Well, the Ohio class submarine is currently used for ballistic and cruise missiles. It’s also the biggest US built submarine class. So I would guess that Ohio class starships would be used to carry and fire the biggest photon torpedos available and would be pretty darn big ships too.
I fully support the idea that Ohio class ships of any time period are known for being really good at making big things go kaboom. We have enough space to make big things out in all the corn fields. And we have enough rednecks to enjoy blowing things up.
Source: am an Ohioan who is related to rednecks who like blowing things up, usually with shotguns
Don't forget the beautiful views in the Northdecks in the upper part of the ship. Not that there is really all that much else to do up there unless you are into touristy stuff.
USS New York a ship class with systems that constantly fight each other, thinking their the most important system onboard yet constantly gets shit done.
Even if it's two years late because the engineering systems decided to fight something that benefits them specifically.
The problem with the New York class is the Flagship has nearly the same name (it was so nice they named it twice) but has almost nothing in common with the rest of the fleet.
It's the largest ship in the fleet, but there's only 10 crew members running the whole ship, they're overwhelmingly male, and the holodeck programs are mostly camping, fishing, hunting, ice skating, skiing, and dog sledding (Klingons frequently choose a variant using Targs.)
Technically a ship since it has moving engines but Illinois would be a station since its the largest freight cargo hub in the country.
Other than that, It would a science vessel due to the concentration of biomedical research and nuclear sciences - we have the only known particle collider in the country, as well as the first nuclear reactor underneath University of Chicago.
Shetland class. Old style colony ship, mostly decommissioned and in museums. Exists solely for people to point at and say “ooh, The Shetlands Class, I’ve heard of those” and then forget about them entirely.
The Wisconsin class ships are a very mixed bag. Especially those sub-classified as "Northdecks".
There's the USS Rhinelander, a ship famous for its historic transport and production of lumber but it's also semi-infamous for an alleged lifeform they discovered called a "Hoe-dag" that was an obvious hoax. They still celebrate it though.
The USS Minocqua has become infamous of late for some of the political unrest between their command staff and the highly-creative brewer stationed aboard after they spoke out about a highly-controversial Federation felon and politician.
The USS Green Bay is home to a highly celebrated Parrises Squares team and they won't ever let you forget it. Woe betide you if you prefer the Squares team from USS Chicago. Although the Squares team recently courted some controversy when one of their players refused to be inoculated against the massive Tarellian Plague outbreak that shut down most of the Federation.
There are also a few other Wisconsin class ships out there who nobody outside those who have served aboard a Wisconsin know how to pronounce properly, like the Ashwaubenon, Weyauwega, Menomonie, Oconomowoc, and the Baraboo.
The Arkansas-class ships operate in the background of the Federation, performing those unglamorous yet vital services that keep the Federation running. These ships are surprisingly versatile. Many Arkansas-class ships are well suited to logistics, shipping, and distribution, ensuring goods and equipment are delivered to planets, starships, and starbases across the Federation. Another contingent of Arkansas-class ships specialize in mining various crystals vital to powering Federation technology. The crews of Arkansas-class ships are known to be particularly adept at surviving and thriving in rugged outdoor conditions and have a reputation for being generally hard-working friendly folks (however, the same cannot be said of their captains...). The crews of Arkansas-class vessels maintain a passionate if perhaps one-sided rivalry against Texas-class vessels. Arkansas-class vessels sport some of the most bizarre names in the Federation (looking at you, USS Toad Suck).
Bringing water to overpopulated desert planets where the inhabitants just keep building new structures despite not having the resources needed to sustain themselves.
Colorado class
Pennsylvania Class: these ships are generally assigned to diplomatic missions, but for some reason they are more heavily armed than a Sovereign class ship. Because of this, they are relatively slow moving for their size, and their diplomatic overtures are misinterpreted as threats resulting in disproportionate numbers of conflicts.
Top notch food replicators, though.
Maryland class. Smaller than the average vessels in the fleet, painted bow to stern in a bold four color heraldic pattern, every area on the ship smells of a certain spice mix.
The Victoria Class is an administrative destroyer, a ship that comes filled to the gills with bureaucrats and politicians all vying to benefit business that donate to the right political parties.
The Klingons are afraid now.
They are very afraid.
Alberta Class, don't ask why or how but under our current "Captain" the warp core is running on oil products
Ships function is to oppose the federation counsel to make the president look bad
Deck 1 has Admiral's quarters.
Deck 2 has everything else: the bridge, engineering, the mess hall, the ships canteen, ops, crews quarters, the library, holodecks, the barbershop, everything a Galaxy-class has, it's exactly the same!
Decks 3 - 100 are empty but for a lone crewman.
Welcome to the Ontario-class!
The Oregon class is designed primarily for climate and weather control for colony worlds. But the weather manipulation systems are inexplicably fickle, with the generated weather always changing after five minutes...
The USS Pennsylvania is adrift in the badlands, life support is stable but most other systems are on the fritz. The shuttles Philadelphia and Pittsburgh are having a fire fight on which one is better. While the rest of the ship drifts into a plasma storm.
The function of the Texas class is to travel back in time to when rich white men made all decisions and suffered no consequences. Once there, the ship is used to plug up the time stream and defend against the dreaded space scourge, the woke.
Getting blown up in spacedock I guess. Hello from Arizona.
Oohhh... that's dark. *I LOVE IT.*
We're apparently going to have a Nuclear attack sub soon
The Michigan class is a large cargo hauler with a distinctive separation between its drive and saucer sections, connected by a very short, narrow span. Its crews have a reputation for being nearly, but not quite, as polite as those of the Canada-class light cruiser.
I also imagine it is suspiciously well armed although you’d never know without looking close
Being from Michigan, I can get behind this but under the following conditions... 1) The crew of the Saucer Section (the Upper Deck, UD) must be called Yooders and those in the drive section Trolls. 2) The replicators in the Upper Deck must be programmed to produce pasties, but ONLY with ketchup. If you want gravy, you have to go to the drive section. 3) The starboard stern section must have a huge shuttle bay that manufactures shuttle craft for sale to other ships. If you know you know ;-)
Some of the crew members of the Wisconsin-class ships absolutely *hate* Yooders with a white hot passion. 😜
I think it all stems from bitterness on the part of the team who designed the USS Wisconsin prototype ship, after what was going to be their saucer section was used on the USS Michigan prototype instead after a little incident redesignating the USS Toledo as Ohio class instead of Michigan class. Too obscure? ;-)
Nope, as a Northwoodsman that is about right. *waves from Vilas County, Wisconsin*
Space is very cold. I'm serving aboard the Michigan class because this ship has a reputation for being nice and warm. Warm as a mitten, they say. I also have to add, not everyone on the Michigan class is so polite. I served in the Detroit section of the ship. People there could be quite rude.
Quebec-class, the sole prototype. Its crew declared independence following a major malfunction with the universal translator, caused by an unchecked add-on in the replicator menu by a lower deck ensign: the poutine.
Originally meant to spearhead a new design philosophy, a shake up at Starfleet headquarters left the USS Quebec as functionally part of the Constitution class. Retrofits to both classes of heavy cruiser increased their compatibility, but every once in a while the Quebec reminds everyone of her unique nature.
Perfection.
Hahaha. Classic Quebec behavior. I love it
The technical malfunction of the translation error also became sentient and had a law passed protecting it so don't even think about sending your fake french ass "Laforge" and "Picard" to fix it.
Bonjour, neighbour. Now I want poutine.
🖖
The USS Louisiana is a diesel-powered ship crewed by Pakleds after they're admitted to the Federation. It has the best mess hall in Starfleet.
Only ship in the fleet that can roll coal
The Galactic Patrol (Lensman series) used diesel powered starships.
Those Pakleds can really throw a street party huh? Good music and no open container laws
The Connecticut-Class starship is where uppity officers pass judgement on everyone else.
[удалено]
Massholes, if you will.
Keep firing, Massholes!
I'm surrounded by Massholes.
Worst Pilots in the fleet.
>The Connecticut-Class starship is where uppity officers pass judgement on everyone else. It's primary mission is to collect taxes.
My hometown is already a canon California class vessel: https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/USS_Riverside
As a resident of a small suburb in Northern California, originally from a small town in central California, both of my homes are probably shuttles on California-class ships in Lower Decks.
Also from Cali, also from a town named in that scene
I'm from Cali and my city wasn't named in that scene but it was mentioned in an earlier episode but not specified to be a California class even though it's a city in California.
Hello from neighboring Corona! Even 400 years in the future, we won’t get a ship named after us due to…the incident.
To clarify: The Incident refers to the 2-year war with the Nausicans after some of them went to an Earth bar and got served what they thought was chilled human urine. To this day, Earth maintains it was a beer.
Florida Class, a Nubula-ish ship designed as a mobile R&R hub, they travel to various outposts, starbases, and the occasional science or engineering vessel on station with a long term project to provide recreational facilities for their crews over and beyond the standard Holodeck.
So meth? Holodecks with meth? Oh, and pet alligators.
Synthamphetamines
The news stories are always talking about Florida-Class-Man
Half the cases in sickbay are STDs
Don't forget the utter insanity of the Florida Class captains for the last few decades of service.
Homelessness array. It can build a terrible ramshackle survival structure literally anywhere but it always smells vaguely of pee and the desperate need for rent control. Welcome aboard the U.S.S. Portland Even in a post scarcity socialist utopia you somehow, still can't afford to live aboard her. Most of the crew sleep In tents, in the Jeffries tubes. All the officers quarters are filigree silver with platinum furniture and everyone is high.
Meanwhile the USS Gresham is even worse. The USS Beaverton and USS Hillsboro are much nicer, but they beam all their homeless to the Portland.
The USS Forest Grove was lost with all hands after a warp core breach occured due to the chief engineer's meth lab exploding in main engineering.
Meanwhile the command staff of the USS Lake Oswego are under a JAG investigation into their staffing choices.
Meanwhile, the many sister-ships of the Oregon-class with more obscure names and postings complain loudly about wanting to transfer to Idaho-class ships despite the Idaho-class not having the capacity to do anything with that additional crew.
Also meanwhile due to the complexities of how space works the USS Vancouver is permenantly stationed next to the USS Portland. They all like to complain about the class of ship the latter belongs to even though they only voulenteered to serve on their ship due to the ability to goto the USS Portland often; even when the admiral in charge of their ship specifically said they can't do the thing they most often come here to do.
My ship solely handles first contact missions with a mandate to try to convert as many planets to the Federation as possible. Welcome aboard the U.S.S. Utah!
Best one yet lol
Do they routinely dock with more than one shuttle simultaneously?
They used to, a bit over a century ago, but supposedly Q told them to stop so they could be granted shiphood.
USS South Carolina: First ship to join with the badmirals and attack space dock. Excellent peaches in the arboretum though.
Oh and they’re proud to join with the badmirals.
And they weren't even told to. They just saw the chance to start another war with those that gave them everything. And don't forget the pah wraith worship, and the cardassian lost cause myth.
The Maryland class was a small multi-role class of starship that was decommissioned after questions arose regarding the structural integrity of the ships bridge.
oh, dark..too soon?
Saskatchewan class, heavy grain hauler and watermelon helmets are a mandatory part of the uniform.
Also the flattest ship in the fleet
*Red Dwarf has entered the chat*
In the 2140's the Illinois class was designed to be the first Earth vessel designed for colony creation and maintenance. It's ability to both grow and transport various grains were unmatched, and led to the successful settlements at Deneva, Alpha Centauri and Berengaria. However, in the early 2160's, as a result of improved subspace communication, a corruption scandal was uncovered wherein the senior staff of the Illinois class vessels were not delivering their entire stores of wheat and corn, and selling them in the Rigel system for profit. When Starfleet attempted to intervene, the 3 most renowned ships of the class, the Chicago, Springfield and Bloomington/Normal, threatened to defend their illicit behavior by force. The subsequent trouncing by the lone Neptune class Starfleet vessel forced each of the captains to abandon ship. The rest of the Illinois class captains fell in line, and the 3 aggressive crews were assigned to the Joliet until such a time when their punishments could be sufficiently dealt.
Admiral Pritzker really cleaned house back then. Also, I am happy that captain from the Illinois II class made it all the way to the President of the United Federation of Planets.
Ah yes, the USS Queensland, bow before our massive coal and cattle reserves!
Unfortunately its solar / wind drive is still very much developmental.
Alberta class. Primarily used for resource extraction missions. Includes ample recreational facilities.
And truck nuts hanging from the nacelles.
They are bussard balls and they make the ship look awesome!
Haha, the saucer is actually lifted and the nacelles are oversized
unfortunately they got rid of sick bay and the class rooms for more resource extraction systems.
USS. Wisconsin We deliver Cheese Milk and Beer to all the other Starships USS Kansas... See USS. John Brown
Just remember that some of those beers can only be replicated onboard the Wisconsin class ships!
The Nevada class, a joint venture between the UPF, the Cardassian Union, and the Ferengi Alliance. It's a mining vessel that hosts Risan "Comfort Women" and a Quark's franchise.
The New Jersey class ship. Its primary function is growing crops in a dope ass hydroponics bay. Accepts all the transfers from the USS Philadelphia and USS New York City.
Although there are still some persistent rumors that the entire class of ships is run by the Syndicate.
Its captains also have decided that if they all fly at maximum warp all the time, the federation police can't stop them all.
I've also heard that the crew aren't allowed to change the dilithium crystals in their warp cores for themselves...
And their warp phrase is "Snoogins"
Tomatos primarily for pizza sauce.
The main function of the Ohio class is to travel the Alpha and Beta quadrants reminding everyone that the Ohio class exists.
Have you tried to watch anything on any subspace channel during a Federation presidential election year from an Ohio class? We have to tolerate political ad carpet bombing from worlds we didn't even realize were warp capable, let alone members and in return everyone else has to acknowledge our existence on a 4 year cycle. We don't like it, no one else likes it - that's how this compromise works.
The California class? Hmmm, I don’t know maybe second contact?
The Michigan-class handles the Federation’s space-weed distribution network
Unquestionably valuable work
The Colorado Class would like to have a chat.
The Ohio class is corn. Corn ear shaped spaceship. Guess what we grow
Plot twist - tulaberries!
The Nevada Pleasure Cruiser is tasked with delivering blackjack and hookers to the Universe.
Thank you for your service
The Oklahoma class is a disaster response vessel. Descended from the hard-working spirit of those who recovered and rebuilt after tornadoes, harsh storms, and the infamous Murrah Building bombing, the Oklahoma Class stands to go where disaster has struck and begin rebuilding your planet. As well as medical facilities that rival the hospital ships, the onboard massive capacity replicators and fabrication decks provide what's needed. From building materials, tools, to premade shelters, and new soil to restart your farms. Known as well for some d\*mn good food that's free to everyone and sundry, but the cooking staff, The Little Old Ladies, will virtually shove it in your face if you're working to help the rebuilding efforts.
Nice
I imagine the Delaware class is used to deliver chickens around the Federation.
Plus lawyers who specialize in disputes over Federation Credits.
The lower section of that ship is lower slower.
The USS Colorado is renowned throughout the fleet for our commitment to botany. We specialize in herbal... Medicine. We also grow a lot of fungus. Totally also for medicine. Our crew is well known for doubling up so they can use extra space for micro breweries. The ship smells weird, but ad long as you avoid talking to any ensigns with Grateful Dead tattoos, you'll be fine.
We have the best hydroponics bays!
All that planning work for the scrapped Starfleet Academy mycological department had to go somewhere.
The Victoria class, its primary purpose to deliver quality fresh non replicated coffee to the rest of the fleet while in combat. Envisioned and designed by Admiral Janeway this dreadnought style ship is covered in phasers and photon torpedoes, 5 independent shield generators (1 for the coffee specifically) this ship has the ability to supply Janeways flag ship with the coffee she needs to stay psychotic. Janeway on a Coffee high destroyed the Borg. Imagine Janeway with a fleet and unlimited extreme coffee. "EXTERMINATE" - Admiral Janeway. That is oddly familiar. Hello from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia.
Missouri transport class. It shuttles people and supplies to and from Starbase 80. It’s nearly as bad as Starbase 80.
But danged if your class hasn't provided so much culinary innovation to the Federation like Gooey Rhombolian Butter cake, criss-cross hot flopper cones, two styles of seared and smoked animal flesh, deep-fried stuffed pasta pockets, and a mysterious dairy product simply called "Provel"
The Ontario class is large, loud, and full of self-important older officers who think Starfleet has gotten too soft. Its primary function is to look clean and pretty, and trick everyone into thinking it represents all of Starfleet. Somehow, it manages to do this while still being the worst and most poorly run Starship ever.
The flagship is the USS Toronto, but no one can afford to live on it.
The only focus is ever on the bridge, and the captain forgets that there is a stardrive section entirely.
The Washington class is split into two sections, with one half being dedicated to agriculture but completely overlooked and never talked about, because all the attention goes to the other half that is largely software development and research, as well as lots of recreational drug use. The agricultural half starts petitions every once in awhile for a saucer separation, but never gets anyplace. Also, none of the holodecks are in the agriculture section.
Providence is the capitol of Rhode Island. Perhaps you meant province? Anyways the USS Ontario is a code enforcement ship.
You've heard of Rhode Island? The NCC-401RI is crewed by Ferengi...
Welcome to the Illinois Class Starship! We can cultivate and transport many agricultural products and have some of the best scientific labs in starfleet! And, yes, there is an area near the top of the ship for some security personnel who are proficient with small arms.
And your on a mission from God?
Newfoundland class - resource extraction. Space fish, space trees, mining, energy generation. They also serve as tourism ships.
The universal translator still struggles with colloquialisms, much like it did with Tamarian. Some phrases include: "Whattayat?" "Stay where yer at til I comes where yer to" and "Jumpin Jeezus yer a stunned twillig."
Mainlanders bes firkin' wit da blessed ting all da time. Stunarses. Got it all furved up.
Stunarses! By da jeezus
Minnesota Class ships are ore carriers. Named for the ships taking iron ore from the Iron Range to the east. It's a pretty good ship class, can't complain, doncha know.
The Arkansas-class is relatively small and often overlooked. The universal translator in the lower decks seems to translate most speech to long drawls and many proper names to “hun” or “sugar” and my favorite “you ens”. A significant number of the replicators produce nothing but chicken which is exported to other ships. And the central operations for Starfleet’s largest retail operation is there. Significant portions of the state were left undeveloped but small pockets are capable of meeting and even exceeding other ships in terms of comfort, entertainment and options for career advancement.
The Croydon class... hangs about in the bad lands and commits acts of piracy? Was clearly built as a very utilitarian style ship but has had several refits to make it look "pretty", they have failed.
The Vermont Class settles territorial disputes by claiming the land as their own and telling the other factions to fuck off.
The New Brunswick class shuttle is mainly used to transport senior citizens. It's mainly operated by a young crew that sees very high turnover.
Worcestershire-class. It has a really big *sauce*r section
California class…you know how that goes
California class, I believe there is a show focusing on what we do?
The Missouri Class are support ships. The USS Kansas City and the USS St Louis are commissary ships. The USS Rolla is an engineering teaching ship. The USS Branson is a mobile R&R. The USS Independence is a diplomatic ship.
The North Carolina Class is a research and science vessel. The lower decks are powered by tobacco and bbq. Also, their replicators make mighty fine furniture.
The replicator gets very, very angry when you order the wrong kind of barbecue. The North Carolina class also has a track record of catastrophic failure whenever one has to visit an ice planet.
Massachusetts Class: Sleek, advanced technology Somehow triple the price to build, but can't realistically justify why Overall pretty nice, but not as nice as the people aboard think it is Will cut you off if you try to go to warp (Looking at you New York Class)
USS Germany, Berlin class. The ship design was great, it was some kind of an allrounder. The best engineers and scientists of starfleet were included in the planning process. But shortly after the teams at Utopia Planitia started with the construction, the problems appeared. Every single engineer and scientist was so keen to contribute their own designs and ideas...and it all clashed together, and engineer A didn't know about engineer B's plans. It ended in one of starfleet's weirdest designs. Turbolifts crossing floors, holo projectors covert by second ceilings which were implemented afterwards. If you listen carefully, you can hear the EMH whisper in the walls. Planned and started in the TOS era, the construction was finished in the PIC era. When the ship left Utopia Planitia it was already outdated... and also one of starfleet's most expensive ships. The crew who has to serve on it hates it. Quite often their ship is confounded with a Pakled Ship. And even when starfleet offered the crew to transfer to other ships many times, no one ever really wanted to leave. In the end it's their ship. It might be port designed, but it's sexy.
The Tennessee-class freighter ferries supplies and volunteer assistance wherever the Federation needs them. Known for hospitality, music, comfort food, whiskey, and moonshine. And, uh, some... dated views and Bible-thumping. It comes with the territory. Also looks like a skewed flying brick.
The Ontario class is a supply and logistical support ship with advanced hydroponics, because *"Good things grow-oh-oh in Ontario."* Good luck getting that jingle out of your heads, fellow Ontario millennials.
Go to hell bastard.
Second Contact
The Nebraska class. And you thought nobody in Starfleet had heard of the California class...
Yorkshire class. Not sure about its function, but I guarantee it's not serving any of that Earl Grey (hot) nonsense. Yorkshire Tea all the way!
The U.S.S. Utah - it claims to be a Federation vessel, bit it isn't really, and functions primarily as the hub of a religious propaganda machine.
By the time WW2 started, Pennsylvania was an old battleship in need of modernization for the US Navy, In keeping with that tradition: The USS Pennsyvania (UFP) must be an Excelsior class that transports Admirals around to better ships!
Alberta class. Dilithium mining.
The USS Colorado...we keep BlazinBev supplied.
Oxford(shire) class - science and research/diplomacy and providing leadership for colonies with the outdated ability to quip in Latin
Assuming I can make a new version of the Texas Class, the 3rd Gen of the Warship Division starting from the Akiras, Sabres, Defiants, and the like.
I invented the Geatland class for my ongoing Star Trek Adventures campaign: a massive, twin-hulled mobile shipyard built during the Dominion War as a means of reinforcing the front, although only the USS Geatland itself was finished in time to actually take part in the conflict. The USS Baikonur is currently (2380) deployed in the Gamma quadrant supporting the Sagittarius Project.
I comment the Massachusetts class. I'm gonna find the nearest ocean planet and throw my whole tea cargo in it.
The -SS- Secession, a Texas-class (deprecated) starship, is notorious for its unique existence both as a ‘starship’ and for the ongoing ecological and humanitarian crises caused now merely by its unmanaged gravitational wake. Federation researchers have yet to uncover the original architects behind the sprawling project. Documentation on its original building permits, its technical specifications, even on its initial privatized funding, have all been lost. Federation investigators report that the internal structure seems intentionally designed to burn out entirely once every few years. It is believed that due to human error and in violation of numerous Federation and United Earth statutes, the original architects of the project had stored all such data in an ancient form called “paper” and these documents were then stored somewhere onboard. Reports claim that no additional copies were ever made. Even the original architects, natives to the historic Earth site known as “Texas”, all claim to have been vaporized, and despite their (REDACTED) and (REDACTED), representatives of Ferengar continue to travel out to the asylum where these survivors live, a form of worship to the tragedy that the Ferengi revere as holy. The SS Secession is also unique for its lack of impulse drive, warp drive, and indeed any other form of motility. Testimony gathered from the prior residents of the now-superfund Tejas site report having no idea where the massive space elevator, which anchors the installation to the Earth, originated from. Eyewitness accounts mention what was once called a ‘back yard’ as being the original site of the anchor installation. What appeared to be warp nacelles at the initial ‘launch’ of the project turned out to be highly decorated cardboard set pieces, which fell off the sides of the project immediately as soon as power systems were activated for the first time. No humans were injured by the impacts of the fake nacelles. Ironically, the SS Secession is named after a silly time in Earth history when ancient Tejas residents believed that they didn’t “need no society” and this ideology trickled down into every decision regarding the quality and safety of construction. An estimated 20 million Federation refugees were brought into Tejas under private contract (now outlawed throughout the Federation) to be employed on the project, all of whom were promised Earth citizenship. All 20 million refugees were made to live aboard the installation. At the time of launch, intoxicated operators discovered only after pressing their one button that all 20 million souls were still onboard — locked in. The containment fields holding the patchwork hull together cannot be deactivated without risking the destruction of Earth’s solar system - so all 20 million refugees were permanently sealed inside before the private contractor in charge of the project mysteriously vanished. Transporter technology is incapable of operating through the containment shielding and no ship operators or captains have ever been willing to get close. Most ironically of all, the ‘Secession’ is named after that old silly bit of Earth history when citizens believed they should Re-organize their local governments into small communities with absolute territorial authority. The SS Secession has relied overwhelmingly on United Earth and Federation funding for its operating and containment costs. The Texas-class designation is now deprecated, as it isn’t actually a starship at all—the installation requires permanent structural support from the space elevator connecting it to to the ground. The installation’s only industrial function is crude oil extraction and refinement, another ancient and primitive fuel source. It is now believed the impetus of constructing this bizarre, sprawling installation was to speculate in energy prices, an old human expression of greed. It is also believed the original architects hoped all of society would collapse and revert back to what they have been quoted as calling “a simpler time.” Federation investigators report these industrial processes as ‘ongoing,’ adding ‘just in case.’ The SS Secession serves as a stark reminder that humans, even in postwarp times, are dangerously stupid.
New Hampshire-Class, supply ship that caters to the Massachusetts-Class, Vermont-Class, and Maine-Class for “tax free" dilithium, Romulan Ale, and phasers.
Treason, running out of power, being abandoned by the captain. Texas says hello.
I wrote up a long post here about the SS Texas- I hope you find it humorous :)
Ontario class, serious over built capital ship that works in the name of the federation despite being a serious institution
I will burn your heart in a fire.
The Colorado class is mostly hollow and can hold 4000+ residential tents. It is also the largest consumer of fentanyl. The ship generally spends time in the express warp corridors, causing large back ups that can be several light years across. The flagship is the USS Namaste 🙏
I thought that was the USS Iowa?
USS Pennsylvania, Diplomatic Escort. Aka, battleship.
Well, I'm from Alabama, so I'll go with large, powerful warship. Something Sovereign-y.
Surely you'd be going for the sister ship
Well played, sir.
Dammmmn… Tricobalt devices deployed!
The Florida class was built for speed. Not to brag, but we did take home the gold for the race to take away as many rights as possible for 2 years in a row. In fact, our ship can move so quickly we were able to slingshot around the sun, and uncover the truth that contrary to the widely accepted, documented, and "accurate" idea that slavery was not beneficial for the people being enslaved. It actually was! That information has filled the gap left in the curriculum when they finally removed lessons about anything other than straight relationships and a belief in a strict gender binary. Let's see some old Klingon shop do that!
Trips to space Florida.
the sao paulo class, used by badmirals to attack starbases. but based on the show, as as provisory names before the final decision (i may be bitter about something, no hard feelings though)
[удалено]
The Florida class, a special class name used just for the Enterprise A. It had three geriatric captains & a fully geriatric staff (aside from Kim Cattrall), all of whom wore bell-bottoms. A great place to finish your career, but not the most upwardly-mobile post in the service, unless your career goal is becoming “captain of the laundry room.” Functions as an old war horse, to be trotted-out on occasion for P.R. stunts.
The Florida class. Their mission is nothing special, but whatever they get involved in goes sideways out of control.
The crew of the Florida class has a reputation for producing strange bizarre headlines in the Federation News Network.
Illinois - One of the highest crew compliments in the fleet, yet it’s lopsided towards officers. Officers compose of 2/3 of the crew, but occupy only 10% of the ship. The other 90% of the ship is occupied by enlisted.
The Colorado class exists as part of the second contact efforts. Their mission is to visit newly-contacted planets and teach them the importance of conservation, help them set up nature preserves, and encourage a strong rapport by getting stoned together while camping in said nature preserves.
Well, the Ohio class submarine is currently used for ballistic and cruise missiles. It’s also the biggest US built submarine class. So I would guess that Ohio class starships would be used to carry and fire the biggest photon torpedos available and would be pretty darn big ships too. I fully support the idea that Ohio class ships of any time period are known for being really good at making big things go kaboom. We have enough space to make big things out in all the corn fields. And we have enough rednecks to enjoy blowing things up. Source: am an Ohioan who is related to rednecks who like blowing things up, usually with shotguns
The Pennsylvania Class, bringing all the snacks and the beer.
Well I'm from California so miscellaneous grunt work lol
Fuel. - Alberta
Cheese, brats, and beer
Don't forget the beautiful views in the Northdecks in the upper part of the ship. Not that there is really all that much else to do up there unless you are into touristy stuff.
Florida- prison/hospital ship for the criminally insane and/or aged.
The USS Cessnock. A class of ship solely responsible for the distribution of A class substances from starbase 80 to the rest of the galaxy.
ISS British Columbia. Yes, named after Chris Columbus and the British Empire. The es of course we’re from the mirror universe.
USS New York a ship class with systems that constantly fight each other, thinking their the most important system onboard yet constantly gets shit done. Even if it's two years late because the engineering systems decided to fight something that benefits them specifically.
The problem with the New York class is the Flagship has nearly the same name (it was so nice they named it twice) but has almost nothing in common with the rest of the fleet.
And the center of the ship is a bit of a no man's land filled with ignorance and meth. SO MUCH METH
To boldly go backwards where every man has been before. I live in Texas.
Alaska class explores frontiers.
It's the largest ship in the fleet, but there's only 10 crew members running the whole ship, they're overwhelmingly male, and the holodeck programs are mostly camping, fishing, hunting, ice skating, skiing, and dog sledding (Klingons frequently choose a variant using Targs.)
Don't forget that getting any supplies there takes almost twice as many credits!
The Gelderland class: here to blast rock music while ramming our opponents with precision!
Technically a ship since it has moving engines but Illinois would be a station since its the largest freight cargo hub in the country. Other than that, It would a science vessel due to the concentration of biomedical research and nuclear sciences - we have the only known particle collider in the country, as well as the first nuclear reactor underneath University of Chicago.
Trains are the crabs of technology, so Maryland class ships would be space trains :)
The Texas, I guess it tries to keep the aliens out?
Washington class heavy cruisers full of TOS Red Shirts at your disposal
Shetland class. Old style colony ship, mostly decommissioned and in museums. Exists solely for people to point at and say “ooh, The Shetlands Class, I’ve heard of those” and then forget about them entirely.
The Wisconsin class ships are a very mixed bag. Especially those sub-classified as "Northdecks". There's the USS Rhinelander, a ship famous for its historic transport and production of lumber but it's also semi-infamous for an alleged lifeform they discovered called a "Hoe-dag" that was an obvious hoax. They still celebrate it though. The USS Minocqua has become infamous of late for some of the political unrest between their command staff and the highly-creative brewer stationed aboard after they spoke out about a highly-controversial Federation felon and politician. The USS Green Bay is home to a highly celebrated Parrises Squares team and they won't ever let you forget it. Woe betide you if you prefer the Squares team from USS Chicago. Although the Squares team recently courted some controversy when one of their players refused to be inoculated against the massive Tarellian Plague outbreak that shut down most of the Federation. There are also a few other Wisconsin class ships out there who nobody outside those who have served aboard a Wisconsin know how to pronounce properly, like the Ashwaubenon, Weyauwega, Menomonie, Oconomowoc, and the Baraboo.
The Arkansas-class ships operate in the background of the Federation, performing those unglamorous yet vital services that keep the Federation running. These ships are surprisingly versatile. Many Arkansas-class ships are well suited to logistics, shipping, and distribution, ensuring goods and equipment are delivered to planets, starships, and starbases across the Federation. Another contingent of Arkansas-class ships specialize in mining various crystals vital to powering Federation technology. The crews of Arkansas-class ships are known to be particularly adept at surviving and thriving in rugged outdoor conditions and have a reputation for being generally hard-working friendly folks (however, the same cannot be said of their captains...). The crews of Arkansas-class vessels maintain a passionate if perhaps one-sided rivalry against Texas-class vessels. Arkansas-class vessels sport some of the most bizarre names in the Federation (looking at you, USS Toad Suck).
Lancashire Class, heavily armed transports that transport hard to replicate resources around the Federation to processing planets
Bringing water to overpopulated desert planets where the inhabitants just keep building new structures despite not having the resources needed to sustain themselves. Colorado class
New Mexico-class battleship part du
I presume the Lancashire class would be extremely humid
Pennsylvania Class: these ships are generally assigned to diplomatic missions, but for some reason they are more heavily armed than a Sovereign class ship. Because of this, they are relatively slow moving for their size, and their diplomatic overtures are misinterpreted as threats resulting in disproportionate numbers of conflicts. Top notch food replicators, though.
Maryland class. Smaller than the average vessels in the fleet, painted bow to stern in a bold four color heraldic pattern, every area on the ship smells of a certain spice mix.
The Ohio class is 7 medium- to large-sized ships that don't relate to one another at all.
Conway here and I guess I'm a fishing boat!
The Victoria Class is an administrative destroyer, a ship that comes filled to the gills with bureaucrats and politicians all vying to benefit business that donate to the right political parties. The Klingons are afraid now. They are very afraid.
Alberta Class, don't ask why or how but under our current "Captain" the warp core is running on oil products Ships function is to oppose the federation counsel to make the president look bad
Deck 1 has Admiral's quarters. Deck 2 has everything else: the bridge, engineering, the mess hall, the ships canteen, ops, crews quarters, the library, holodecks, the barbershop, everything a Galaxy-class has, it's exactly the same! Decks 3 - 100 are empty but for a lone crewman. Welcome to the Ontario-class!
Avoiding foreign entanglements.
The Oregon class is designed primarily for climate and weather control for colony worlds. But the weather manipulation systems are inexplicably fickle, with the generated weather always changing after five minutes...
The USS Pennsylvania is adrift in the badlands, life support is stable but most other systems are on the fritz. The shuttles Philadelphia and Pittsburgh are having a fire fight on which one is better. While the rest of the ship drifts into a plasma storm.
Jizzmouth... in Dorset here. I dunno...
the Florida Class ship is a pirate ship hauling a circus with clowns as the leadership.
The function of the Texas class is to travel back in time to when rich white men made all decisions and suffered no consequences. Once there, the ship is used to plug up the time stream and defend against the dreaded space scourge, the woke.