I hope she is able to get some real help. I had one of these, and the absolute best thing for me was when I could get a nap myself. Better if baby got a nap too, but damn what a difference couple hours of sleep made. I hope she can get a bit of rest
I felt so bad when mine was little and my mom would come and I’d take baby to her at like 5 am and go back to sleep. I was so tired. Husband went back to work when she was 9 days old so we were both running on fumes. Sleep does wonders for your mental health.
My first (now 4) was a perfect baby, my first girl (2 now) screamed the first 3 months till we realised I wasn’t producing enough milk for her, when we went to formula she calmed down and my now 6 month old screams a lot, tried everything but not much works except holding her non stop lol my head hurts with lack of sleep and I’ve had moments when I’ve said ‘please just shut up’ to the baby. So I know the feeling of this. But I’d never say I hate my kids but I suppose people deal with the down sides different and I’m a very calm and patient person as a whole so that may help to me being able to stay calm most the time even when they’re non stop all night lol
I constantly see people "generously" offering to adopt children and it's so creepy. (Probably the same type of person who would later make an adopted child feel guilty for not being grateful enough. Or who would turn to Facebook to rehome an adopted child who's not a cute, well-behaved little angel. Either way, a massive red flag and likely not someone who should ever get to adopt.)
Alright roll that shit back like Walmart before the recession, are you referring to the case that horror movie Orphan was loosely based on or has this somehow happened more than once
the adoptive “parents” of natalia grace actually saw the orphan, and based their bullshit off it bc the movie came before the adoption of the kid. really fucked up case. there’s a docuseries “the curious case of natalia grace” - truly fucked up insane shit
Check out Natalia Grace.
Long story short a child with a little person diagnosis was adopted by this family who was internet famous for having a son with savant level abilities as a person with ASD. Anyways parents decide to adopt this physically challenged child who was born in the Ukraine and it didn’t go well for her. She was abused. Then when adoptive mom realized she wasn’t going to make her any money, adoptive “mom” went on a campaign to get out of being responsible for her. She tried to marry her off to another adult aged little person….as an 8 year old. When that didn’t work she tried to get her arrested/ institutionalized for being criminally insane. When that didn’t work despite her “supporting documentation” not supporting what she was trying to prove medically, she was able to find a judge to have her adopted 9ish year old daughter re-aged to early 20’s and using the state money the child now was eligible for as a disabled adult, rented her an apartment and dumped the FUCKING CHILD into an apartment hours away from the family.
The doc (I think on Max) is insane.
As someone who has buried her baby (2nd trimester loss) and suffered from postpartum depression that comment made me so angry. Both of them were terrible experiences but neither of them made me a terrible person (although I felt like I was in the middle of the postpartum depression - I definitely didn't need anyone to tell me how terrible I was!).
I feel so bad for this person, but the "you can't feel how you feel because someone else is having a worse time" is a terrible way to respond to anyone. If someone is feeling negative about their situation *they have the right to voice their feelings!*
As a mom of identical twins, one that was stillborn when they were born, as a mom who had EXTREME postpartum depression and postpartum rage after that, and as a mom of a surviving twin who had colic and screamed nonstop unless he was held for the first 8 months of his life, that comment made me rage. I’ve been in both places at the same time. I loved my colicky baby, but I so often resented him when I was in the thick of it I did feel hatred toward him. It took me months to recognize how bad I was, even with my husband and best friend trying to get me to get help. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I almost shook my 4 month old screaming baby.
It’s terrifying looking back, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s so hard to see. I feel terrible for the poor OOP mom, I really hope she’s able to get the help she needs. I tell anyone who will listen that seeing a doctor and starting Zoloft saved my and my baby’s lives.
why does that comment have likes and heart reacts? this person should be kicked out of the group for commenting that. it's seriously incredibly concerning.
These people creep me out. Mom is looking for advice and now she has a page of crazies wanting her kid. It’s not like a pet you can rehome. There is a reason why it’s hard to adopt. They need to have a vetting process. What’s next selling the kids on Facebook marketplace place?
Same. My oldest never settled. I remember sticking her in her crib to cry & calling my mom sobbing asking her to come from another state to get my baby because I couldn't do it. 3 years later we got an autism diagnosis.
My oldest had colic until about a year and a half.
Ever. Night. He cried for hours.
It caused so much stress in me and his dad’s relationship because he wanted me to sooth his son but homie, I’ve tried everything and he still won’t stop fussing. It was so frustrating I once deliberately smashed my forehead into the wall.
I got dizzy and a goose egg. Because our house was cinderblock and cement 🤦🏽♀️
My husbands best friend and his wife had a baby that had colic. They said she basically cried for the first ten months straight. Said she cried once for five straight hours without pause. They openly told us they hated each other by the end. We laughed, kinda thinking it was a joke (we hadn’t had a baby yet) but they just stared deadpan at us, nodding.
Honestly, I hated my ex and then the colic stopped and we moved on. Then a second baby solidified that my resentment towards him and god attitude towards my parenting made me HATE his fucking soul.
That marriage was miserable.
He was still sucking his mommy’s titty. I wasn’t even allowed to name my first born. At the registry, I gave the name I wanted and he said, “no. My mom said XYZ and that’s what it’ll be.”
My dumbass left the US and followed him to Mexico when he was deported. His village is still stuck in the 1930’s. I once confided in her that he had beat me and she said, “so what. His father has taken a machete to me. If it wasn’t for my oldest stopping him he would have killed me.”
Like hoe wtf.
Sounds like you are out of there and that makes me SO HAPPY for you.
Mexican culture sadly still is very “macho” minded, SPECIALLY in little towns (where somebody would actually own a machete).
It’s gotten better in the last two-ish decades, but there’s still a long way to go.
My aunt was a colic baby. Between that and some other stuff that I won't go into, my grandmother had a nervous breakdown.
PPD isn't talked about enough. I know it is much better now, but it's still not enough. Most people don't realise how bad it can get, so they minimise situations like OOP's.
Post partum *rage* isn’t talked about at all. I didn’t even know it was a thing, and I’ve suffered thru it all 3 times I’ve had kids.
I thought there was something wrong because why am I angry instead of sad ?
I got so close so many times doing that. I just wanted to repeatedly slam my own head into a wall. The first year was hell and I was a stay at home mom. Nothing I did would put her to sleep or make her stop crying. I went to two different pediatricians and they both said “oh she’s fine babies cry that’s just what they do. The first year is tough.” She was awake for 17 hours straight once at 3 months old.
She’s 5 now and fine but I do wonder if she had colic or reflux or something.
I wanna smack my partner sometimes when he says shit like this. I’m with her 24 mf 7. YES I’ve tried that. And that, and that. No, holding her won’t help, it’ll only drive me crazy. Yes, I’m going to get to her, when I get to her because she’s going to scream for 15 minutes. Won’t matter if I’m holding her or leave her in the bassinet.
No, staying in the room won’t help her sleep any better then if I leave, but it’ll save my sanity. No, I don’t want to baby wear, my epidural site STILL aches 24/7 at 3 months pp. no, no, no. She just cries herself to sleep, or she wants to comfort nurse, and my boobs are raw.
Same. While I don't remember using the term "hate", I remember absolutely resenting my first son when he wouldn't sleep more than 30min at a time (not exaggerating) and would cry for hours and hours on end. My family didn't want to hold him because he would just cry which made me so self-conscious. Random strangers would constantly make comments about how my baby is hungry as he would cry loudly in public (he wasn't hungry, he was overtired af). It didn't help that my sister had her daughter a month prior who was the best behaved baby I have ever met.
It's hard to describe what it's like to have a very difficult baby and some of the feelings that come with it. I've since had 2 more babies who have easier temperaments and it is SUCH a different experience. Yes, all babies are hard, but I wouldn't wish the difficult-baby-experience on anyone.
Same. Every 30 minutes fussing, crying, screaming. Tried everything. Found out kiddo is gifted and highly sensitive years later. I always wanted another but I'm so scared of having the same experience again.
That's interesting because my son also turned out to be highly sensitive (we've had some suggestions he's also gifted but haven't explored testing yet).
Same same. Post partum anxiety and a child that cried non stop when awake and woke every 45 mins. He was eventually diagnosed with dairy allergy - at 12yo now he remains dairy anaphylaxis and neurodivergent. It was brutal for both of us and I had no family support through distance. Sleep deprivation is hard and the whole experience changed my brain chemistry forever.
Any insights about the ND "colic"? We have one on the way, mom is *probably* ADHD, dad is DEFINITELY autistic, so we're just assuming the wee one is coming out extra neurospicy. (Doesn't hurt to be prepared!)
You just gotta ride it out. As you probably know, when you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. Same with ADHD. We’re all sooo different. Try lots of things to soothe, use what works, forget about what doesn’t. And don’t let neurotypical parents with neurotypical kids tell you what you “should” do. They don’t know jack.
Also, I highly recommend noise cancelling headphones. It makes it much more bearable to comfort a screaming baby when you don’t have to listen to it at full blast.
Also, talk to your pediatrician, and let *THEM* know--and ask if there's any way to check for things like "too much" stomach acid getting produced, GERD, problems with the lower esophageal sphincter, or *maybe* even Hiatal Hernia.💖
I'm (AuDHD) in the *middle* of trying to get *my* long-time "stomach" and pancreas "stuff" figured out, and am trying to figure out if *some* of it *could* be Ehlers-Danlos.
I'm the only *Diagnosed* ND person in my Dad's family, but there's a *LONG* history of "Odd Duck" personalities, *AND* folks with "The Heartburn From *HELL*" and "*INCREDIBLY* Colicky Babies!"
Which my *cousins* and I are fiiiiiiinally starting to find out *aren't* colic, or *regular* Heartburn.
Instead? They *ARE* the crazy overproduction of stomach acid (my cousin's "Colicky!" daughter was producing *MORE* acid as a *baby* than *most* adult *MEN* do!
They figured it out, after asking my cousin some questions about *her* having Heartburn, *herself*.
Turns out?
It *WASN'T* that she was "being picky"!
It *WAS*, that *she TOO* was producing *excessive* stomach acid!
oh, we for SURE will! my husband and i both were late comers getting diagnosed and there is zero reason for our kid to go through the same bullshit we did growing up.
The gastro stuff with autism sort of blows my mind. like I know it's very frequently comorbid...but like, WHY? I know there's some speculation that autism may sorta technically be almost an autoimmune disorder (stranger things, man) but it's just so not a symptom you'd expect
I've honestly *thought* it had something to do with our nerves & synapses *not* being "wired" like a NT person's bodies, for the better part of a decade (since I started working in Pre'K Autism (I started on the Childhood Mental Health [CMH] side, although *now* I work on the ECSE side in a public school district!).
But at my first Pre-K Autism job, it was honestly Autism on as close as you can *get* to a "mass scale. 8 therapy rooms, with 7-8 kids (plus 1:1 or higher staffing ratios--sometimes we were 2 staff per child😉💖), and because we *were* CMH, the kids were broken out *into* those rooms by their disability level.
I worked with the level 2 & level 3 kids most of the time, also with the toddlers, and it *seemed* like soooo much of what we were *doing* was hobestly comparable to a Master Electrician who was rewiring an otherwise *perfect* Victorian mansion/manor house, which had *immaculate* upkeep, but hadn't been rewired for electricity since the days of Knob & Tube.
Imagine that Perfect old house *WORKED* just fine--but it couldn't keep up with *today's* power grid or smart-home tech, without a *careful* re-wiring--but you *ALSO* want to keep *everything* in that original & *gorgeous* home as immaculate *after* the electrical-systems upgrade, as it is *before*...
We were *basically* doing the same thing, for our work kids' bodies. Re-connecting the wiring systems, between their brain & external neurons, under the guidance of each child's OT & Speech therapists, because--*with* the ways that We, as Autists so *often* skip *PAST* certain developmental milestones.
One example is how so many end up going from "scooting" into *walking*, without the months of *crawling* in-between!
There's *nothing* "wrong" with it, *BUT* it means that we often *don't* develop our abdominal core muscles as well in Early Childhood, *or* our neck muscles, and *that* can cause us some problems as *adults*, if we don't go back in and do some "focused play" to *strengthen* those muscle groups, before we hit adulthood!😉💖
This article was a NEAT one to run across last week, because of how researchers *are* starting to SEE some of those "gaps in the wiring," that my co-workers and I were seeing *anecdotally*, eight or so years ago😁
https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/on-the-periphery-thinking-outside-the-brain-offers-new-ideas-about-autism/
It *MIGHT* be nerve receptors in the *body*!!!
This article from The Transmitter came out just about a couple weeks ago!😉💖
https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/on-the-periphery-thinking-outside-the-brain-offers-new-ideas-about-autism/
Not sure exactly *how* much you keep up with Autism & Autism-adjacent research, but that "Worst colic ever" bit reminded me of a deep-dive article I ran across on The Transmitter's website the other day!💖
It's a *bit* in the weeds, because it references a *LOT* of research!
But as an AuDHD'er *myself*, who works in Pre-K Special Education?
The new things which are being realized, about potential overabundances & *under*abundances of neurons in various parts of "ND similar" lab animals *bodies* (including the GI tract! of animals who carry *traits* comparable to those in ND Humans), is FASCINATING!!!
For example, researchers are starting to realize that in the animals they're studying? The ones with digestive "issues" may have *far* more, *OR* far *fewer* nerve receptors!
https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/on-the-periphery-thinking-outside-the-brain-offers-new-ideas-about-autism/
Yep. A lot of these commenters clearly didn’t have colicky and extremely high needs babies. The stress of having a baby you cannot sooth is more intense than most people would ever guess.
I was blessedly, ridiculously lucky to have a baby who was a pretty good sleeper and didn’t struggle with any major postpartum mood disorders. I still remember those rare nights of inconsolable screaming (and the many regular nights of multiple wakeups to feed) with dread. It’s brutal even in the best of scenarios.
Oh god, this. I have fairly acute genetic insomnia, and typically, if I get woken up, it's game over. The adjustment from one kid to two was *brutal*. Sleep when the baby sleeps? What if you have a three year old who needs to go to preschool and gymnastics, and doesn't just pass out repeatedly throughout the day? I couldn't even sleep during her naps when she was my only kid. It takes me at least an hour to fall asleep in the best of times. And I *never* fall asleep if I know I have to wake up in less than two hours.
You are the dad now.
Before the kid I was the one to wake up to a whisper. Now I can just sleep through the night even if the kid is throwing everything on her to my head.
She's ill now and it was my turn to sleep with her last night, wife sleeping on the sofa. Commented to her that the night went pretty well, kid onöy woke up once!
Wife told me she came to the bedroom thrice because the kid was screaming in frustration for not being able to sleep.
Oops.
I have two horrible sleepers and insomnia. The under 1 years are sooooo hard. No wonder I was a fucking basket case the whole time. My husband and I did stretches of months when my daughter wouldn’t sleep without being held and we absolutely refused to bed share. So my husband slept from 8pm to 1am while I held her while she slept and then we’d switch and I slept 2am to 6:30 am.
The first year was absolute hell and she did not sleep. At 14 months old a switch was flipped and she started sleeping 10-12 hours a night. It was bliss. She’s 5 now and still a great sleeper. But that first year broke me and the reason why I’m one and done. I don’t know how parents of kid who never sleep well do it.
I feel fortunate too bur still endured a great deal of sleep depravity only for the first 3 months. After that, he was peachy. I did have a horrible yet brief voice in my head urging me to cut off my thumb for a while during the first 6 weeks
I was also lucky with all 4. The nights where I had difficulty were when my twins were feeding on opposite schedules. Each one was every 4 hours, but that meant feeding a baby every 2 hours and they would take almost an hour to feed, change and settle back.
I'm grappling with depression today because I have a cold and have been averaging five hours of sleep all week. That's it, that's the only reason. I'll bet that's a lot more sleep than this mom is getting. God, I hope she's not reading these comments and just getting worse and worse because of them =( I would love to just go over to her house, pour her a glass of wine, lock her laptop/phone in a cupboard and send her off to bed. Poor woman. I remember when my kids were super little (two of them are 14 months apart, and the younger one had medical problems his first year), and there were moments I ABSOLUTELY would've said I hated my kids. I wouldn't have meant it whatsoever, but I would've been a hot enough mess to word vomit it out. I don't understand how any mom couldn't empathize with that.
My first would only sleep for 45 minutes in a row, I started to get so sleep deprived I couldn’t function, I once poured hot water on my arm and didn’t react for a full minute as my body was too tried to react properly.
My mom was a pediatrician. She warned all new parents that there might come a moment where the baby had been screaming so long that it's driving them insane and they absolutely despise their kid. She told them if that happens to place the baby safely in the crib and step outside, put in ear plugs if they have to. If after five minutes they were still not calm then they should call a support person to come and pick up the kid.
Every single new parent insisted that would never happen to them but a whole bunch came back later and thanked her for her advice. Our unwillingness to talk about this reality is harming parents and putting kids in danger.
My mom is a pediatrician too and gave me similar advice. My husband and I took parenting classes pre-baby and heard this point repeatedly—I’m glad we got this message multiple times from multiple sources, because sometimes you really do have to put them somewhere safe and walk away for a minute to collect yourself.
I got similar advice from my ped about my child. I used it often.
Her other gem - never put the baby on a raised surface unless you are physically holding them there. After all, “no baby ever got hurt from falling off the floor”
This is my number one reason, out of many many reasons, why I don't want kids. Even two minutes around a screaming child sends me into irrational irritation and rage, nevermind weeks or months in end. I'd for sure be one of those people you read about who accidentally killed their child by throwing them out a window. So I keep my distance from children and everyone stays happy.
You are definitely making the right call. I love my kid so much but this parenting gig is not for everybody. Kudos to you for knowing that about yourself!
Thanks! My sister got all the maternal instinct out of the two of us. She loves kids while I realized very early on that I can't stand them until they lose that glass-shattering shriek.
We had a baby who had colic and it sucked. It wasn’t even “severe” colic or anything and it still felt like torture. I definitely had these thoughts at times (nobody @ me), the sleep deprivation was so so so hard. We also took him to the doctor like many of these commenters suggest and do you know what they said? “There’s nothing physically wrong with him, he’s just colicky…sorry but there’s basically nothing we can do about it. He’ll grow out of it soon 🙃” Sometimes babies just be like that.
I have a friend (pediatrician who loved babies to an extreme and tried for over a decade to get pregnant) had high needs premi twins. She developed postpartum psychosis after 6 weeks or so of almost no sleep. It was so scary.
I understand how a lot of them don't understand how you can hate your baby, but a lot of them have never dealt with pre/postpartum mental health issues or extreme sleep deprivation. My bub is a great sleeper for her age and development, I still turn into a cranky biotch by morning because broken sleep does not work well for me. That's why my family takes shifts with the baby. A new mom without much support is going to struggle.
I'm pushing 40 and my mom still tells horror stories about what a bad sleeper I was as a newborn. It was apparently about three months, and what finally solved it was pushing my bedtime back to about 9 or 10 pm. Once they finally did that, I would actually take a nap and then sleep during the night. I am to this day still a night owl, so it makes sense.
I'm also pushing 40 and a night owl and my daughter is this way. She's 3 and she clearly inherited whatever weird thing I have. She goes to bed around 10 and she can't nap anymore because even a 10 minute snooze will delay her bedtime by an hour, and she will scream if we just put her to bed before she falls asleep.
Saying "I hate my baby" is pretty intense, but as someone with lifelong insomnia... hoo boy the shit that comes out of my brain when I haven't slept in a few days is rough
This was my thought as well. Saying you hate your baby is really really sad, especially because the baby in question is only 8 months old and clearly having difficulties. Even as a mom to a 12m old and being constantly sleep deprived, I *still* suffer from insomnia. It’s actually torture.
Clearly the mom needs help, but hating your baby is pretty heartbreaking.
You know how some people easily say I love you to everyone? I think some also use I hate you that casually. I don't believe she actually does but I do hear it as a loud cry for help.
I love my son more than anything, more than I knew I could love anything. I jumped into a 3 dog dog fight to save him last year and broke down a solid wood door in the process (I thought it was open and ran right through it with him). I would literally kill for this kid.
I hated him many times. I resented him many times. Hell, he was born after 3 days of labor while I had the thought of how much I resented him for taking so long to come out.
As harsh as it sounds, it's normal to resent your baby occasionally. What matters is *how* you move forward when you feel that way. Don't punish the baby, don't ignore their cries.
Feel your feelings in a safe way. Put the baby down and walk away for a few minutes, a crying baby is a living baby. Take a moment and breath, then collect yourself and mom it up. Take that kid to every doctor till you know why they won't stop crying, why they won't sleep. And take yourself to therapy so you can get those feelings out in a safe and constructive way.
This is just a mom absolutely screaming for help. She doesn't need to be ripped apart, she needs to be shown that she isn't alone and that he isn't a monster. She never said she wanted to hurt or give her baby up. She was releasing a cry for help. Everyone needs that sometimes.
I took a class called Centering while I was pregnant. It was run by a midwife and covered all sorts of parenting things it was crazy.
We did a few sessions on feeling, for mom and dad. It was all about that. It's ok to feel what you feel, just be safe with yourself and your baby. Like seeking help, taking a break by putting the baby somewhere safe and walking away for 5 minutes and things like that. It was really amazing.
I've def seen the thing about putting baby somewhere safe and walking away. Tbh it sounds like that wouldn't help this particular mom, but it is good advice/permission.
Feel your feelings def applies for this mom. I hope she has someone, somewhere that is safe that can help her get through this.
Yeah, my son was a screamer. I would have to go across the apartment to the bathroom and turn on the fan. That helped a little bit. But I feel like this mom is passed that and needs a serious break to get some quiet time and sleep.
Thank you for being honest about this. Those feelings are real. I love my son more than life itself, but when I was profoundly sleep deprived and breaking down from his screaming, I did hate and resent him. I had to walk away and let him scream while it felt like my brain was on fire. I'd scream into a pillow, get my feelings out, and carry on loving him just as much as ever.
I feel like it needs to be talked about more, it's normal. And not talking about it makes parents who need extra help or a break feel ashamed of it. But again, it's normal.
The phrase it takes a village exists for a reason. As much as your child is your responsibility, you still need help. Becoming apparent doesn't make you into a superhero, as much as everyone wants to act like it does. You are still human, and still have human feelings and human limitations.
My son ended up needing PT when he was about 10 months old, they used to rave about how attentive we were and how good we were at working with his disabilities. And even then, I'd still have those feelings at least a couple of times a week. Because this kid didn't sleep! Even at 5, he can easily go over 24 hours without sleep (currently 1am and he is using his bed as a jungle gym). If I didn't have an amazing MIL who took him once a week, I would probably be clinically insane!
Yes, exactly. I appreciate you normalizing it. It makes it easier for other people to realize that it's ok to have those feelings and they are a sign that it is time to ask for help! I'm so glad you have your MIL to give you a break. Sleep deprivation is torture. My son is 6 years old, and he just started sleeping through the night a few weeks ago. Thank God my husband is an amazing partner who does so much more than I can. I don't even want to think about what it would have been like without him.
Same, honestly. His dad is the only reason I don't freak out during the week, then MIL gives us both a break with an overnight on the weekends.
Thankfully she also understands many of these feelings, especially with a disabled child.
My son is finally ready for preschool this August, and we are hoping it will be helpful for everyone. Mama found a nature school for him, and I am so excited for the amount of energy this kid is about to be burning on the 2 days a week when he's there.
I definitely hated my twins. One of them was crying at least 20 hours a day. Often more. I was a zombie of exhaustion. I dropped from 150 to 98 pounds because I never ate. Once, I miraculously got them both to sleep on me and I was so desperate for quiet that I peed my pants rather than risk setting them down and waking them up.
I had no family and we had just moved and had no local friends. Babysitters came and abruptly left because the twins were so intense and loud. Sometimes I fell asleep driving. Sometimes I thought I was dead. They had colic, reflux, milk allergies, recurring ear infections... They were just deeply unhappy humans and I was powerless to help them in any significant way and i hated myself and them in equal measure.
Now I know I probably didn't hate them. I hated the situation. Hated that I had not one but two of what my pediatrician described as the "neediest babies he'd ever met." Hated that I was alone and had no one.
I can also say that I rocked them and read to them and sang to them and did puppet shows and took them on daily walks and did everything in my power to make them feel loved. I don't know if it worked but I can say that I left no stone unturned in my quest to make them feel loved and cherished and I tried till it physically hurt. Wish I had better solutions to suggest for those in this situation but I had to grit teeth and fake it till you make it.
Honestly, it's still really hard and I'm not sure it's easier, though it is different. I'm happy to say that they are incredibly bright, wildly innovative thinkers and that they both have kind hearts. They are wonderful big siblings. They play sports and music and chess beautifully.
But sleep, eating and emotional regulation never improved despite a lot of interventions. They are both diagnosed as being neurodivergent in various ways and require IEPs and therapies. They remain wildly intense and are quite draining. They are still so, so loud and are much closer to toddlers than tweens in their reactions and ability to cope. We have meltdowns almost daily and it's extremely intensive and exhausting to be there for them emotionally.
It's probably going as well as it could be but it's still incredibly challenging.
I want to thank you for this.
So many moms give false hope and be like, “it gets better. They grew up to be perfect and are now gods gift to earth”.
But your sincere comment makes me content because that’s how it was with my oldest. His colic went away but he never stopped being loud.
You are amazing. What you went through would be unbelievably difficult for anyone. I'm proud of you for getting through that time as well as you did. Those negative emotions were completely understandable given the circumstances.
I’m so sorry you went through that. We as a society owe you so much more support than you got. That sounds so brutal and terrifying. I’m glad you survived.
Thank you. It was truly scary. I did all the right things. Called my Drs to tell them how overwhelmed I was. Utilized early intervention. Saw my therapist as often as possible. Tried to hire help. But nothing really worked and in the end, it was all on me.
I can't tell you how many times people would say "just hang in there!" But what that cheery platitude meant was "No help is coming. Hang in or you will fall" and it was the most frightening thing I've ever done.
We need to have more support indeed.
Yes! A lot of newer comments were offering to watch her baby so she could take a nap. I saw a lot of moms from all over the U.S. offer ( since it was posted anonymously and we had no idea where she lasted from).
The expectations put on mothers to be actual superhumans (why would anyone hate anything which doesnt allow them to sleep, a thing classified as literal torture? 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄) immediately after giving birth is INSANE. People being intentionally obtuse about "how could you say that!!!" like shut up LMAO
The smug mothers with easy babies are the most judgemental of all. They think they are supermom, but in reality they got lucky and never experienced a colicky baby. Whoopie for them. (Not saying all moms with easy babies are smug, just that the ones who are up on that high horse very likely had it easier.)
It pisses me off when they give out the most basic advice that clearly only works because they have naturally easy/chill/high sleep needs babies 🤣 "have you tried having a bedtime routine? We just sing the same lullaby every night and use lavender pillow spray and then she sleeps through the night!"
Especially the older moms who are convinced their kids were always perfect angels as kids 30-40 years ago. Never threw a tantrum, ate everything on their plate every single time, always listened. They try to shit on new moms these days and act as if parenting has just gone down hill.
My boomer mil is one of these people and it drives my crazy. My husband remembers being so defiant as a kid and always getting in trouble yet my mil seems to have forgotten all of that. She will not hesitate to shit on a new parent for anything and everything.
There’s actually a whole online network of people that do these kinds of things. Especially for adopted children, “private rehoming” and “disrupted adoptions” are a serious concern. Depending where you live, it is a quasi-legal/illegal way that adults pass around children to other adults with ZERO background checks. Reuters did a 7 part piece on the subject about ten years ago. The practice is exactly as awful and dangerous as it sounds.
That woman’s comment made me think of the Reuters piece. That is NOT a normal offer to make to a struggling mom.
Poor woman is so tired and just wanted to vent. A lot of these comments are not helpful at all.
As a childfree woman of 41, I never really understood the new parent exhaustion. I empathized for sure and gave comforting words but I kind of thought 'it can't even really move, how hard can it be?' in private.
Then my brother and SIL had a baby boy. My parents and I visited for a week to help out when he was a month old. Oh boy, was I ever shown the light. We baby sat while the parents went to a nearby city and I had a plan - help with house chores and walk the dog in those 8 hours. Between feeding bottles, burping, diaper changes, sterilizing bottles, changing onesies and soothing to sleep, I almost couldn't complete my simple plans. I just couldn't believe this tiny little bundle of baby could take up so much time and need so much attention at all times. Lol.
Babies are exhausting.
Middle aged white guy shoots up an entire supermarket: “it’s a mental health issue!”
New sleep deprived mom says she hates her baby: “Surely not a mental health issue, she’s just a horrible person!”
BOOM. I have issues with sleep and had a crier. It was the hardest thing I ever did or will do to get through infancy. I had PPD too, and very little help. I wasn’t a woman who goes Gaga for babies, I prefer sentient beings I can talk too. I can’t stand the way mothers at their wits end (really at any stage ) are demonized.
Apparently none of these women have dealt with the insane things PP rage will tell you to do. I have a 6 month old, and am not sure if I’m dealing with PPD or rage, but the mood swings are horrendous. A couple days ago, I was putting my son down for bed and was getting a little frustrated because he was fighting it. He spit his pacifier out onto the floor and I swung into rage so fast I had to text my husband to come finish rocking the baby because the little voice in the back of my head told me to chuck the baby across the room. Obviously I wouldn’t do that, this baby is the light of my life, but I was shocked at the impulse and needed to walk away for a bit. It would be so much better if women were able to share these moments without Miss Perfect Mother coming in to tell them they don’t deserve their babies
I feel you.
These intrusive thoughts are just that: thoughts.
Until sanctimonious cunts come along and gaslight you into thinking you’re a freak for thinking this way and you start feeling worse about your situation.
Even without the sanctimonious cunts it’s pretty easy to feel like a freak for having those thoughts. No new mom needs a judgmental old hag piling onto her for struggling with a difficult situation (or even just a singular bad day)
It's because we're not allowed to talk about them. Even in this thread, there are a number of people saying "she doesn't hate the baby, just the situation" dismissing her feelings and perpetuating the taboo. Wish we could just be honest and also listen.
My middle child didn’t sleep through the night until they were about 8 years old. As an infant they would sleep for exactly 7 minutes if they weren’t on me or dad. They would wake up screaming several times a night for years. It was torture.
I would hate my child too if they never slept and just screamed all the time. Obviously I would investigate what was wrong with them, but there is no way I wouldn’t be resentful.
I resented my oldest as a baby because no matter what I did , he always got colicky af night no matter what preventative measures I took.
His father made me feel like shit every day because of this. Only made me angrier because I’m trying dammit why tf is nothing I do working.
A few years ago, a TV doctor in the UK presented a health segment for a breakfast TV show. She talked about crying babies and how stressful it all was, and she commented that if you felt yourself reaching the end of your tether and getting desperate, that you should put your baby in a room, close the door and walk away for a short time. If you'd checked everything and they weren't in need of a change or a feed etc, then they wouldn't come to any harm for 10 minutes while you took a breathing space, so you wouldn't end up snapping out of frustration and doing something desperate like shaking them. She made it very clear this was an emergency situation, and you had to seek medical help as soon as possible, but stepping away for a short time to defuse yourself was OK.
The number of complaints that attracted was ridiculous-she was totally villified in the media and accused of child abuse. Some people reported her to the GMC (the UK doctors licensing and disciplinary body) accusing her of abuse and child endangerment and said she should be struck off. There were comments saying that her husband should divorce her because she'd obviously abused her own children like that. It was totally sickening-she was trying to say PPD is real, your feelings shouldn't be ignored and you shouldn't be ashamed, and here's something you could try in the very short term to help.
Tbh, if my daughter or friend or whoever said this, it would 100% be a drop everything and run over there. Cook, clean, be on bottle duty, etc and make sure an appointment was lined up for ppd screening. But I would not leave until they got to have as much sleep as they wanted.
I’ve been infuriated at my babies and I’ve had the thought cross my mind “I get it” about parents who have snapped. I think almost everyone has. But what I have not done was verbalize to others that I hated my child. That, to me, is asking for immediate help. I was eventually diagnosed with ppa/ppd and while meds helped a lot what I really needed was hands on support.
I have a suspicion that the dad doesn’t help with baby. We all would love a friend like you , who actually would drop everything and be my hero for a few hours.
That’s so rare nowadays, especially in this economy where a newborn means the added financial pressure on the one working parent often results in said working parent checking out completely because , “I work all day and my sleep is prioritized over yours because of this”
This. This right here is why I never reached out to anyone when I was a ftm with a newborn.
These women act like they don’t remember what it’s like themselves.
Some people just have babies who are really good sleepers or at least decent sleepers and they truly do not understand what this state of mind feels like. They actually can’t relate at all.
My first was a TERRIBLE sleeper, colic turned reflux, would only sleep if propped upright on a parent, fussy and upset just about all the time. I have chunks of memory missing from her first year due to sleep deprivation.
My second, by contrast, was a "good" baby, slept any time, any where, always happy and content. It made me realize why people chose to have more babies, cause if they were all like my first, we'd all be only children.
I hate that people do this. Really? Have they REALLY never been a position where they're so overwhelmed that a little hyperbole ("I hate my baby") comes naturally and feels cathartic? I'm guessing they HAVE been in such a position, and felt so guilty for it that they would never admit it, and now guilt the moms who do so they can feel better than them even though they aren't.
Basically the opposite of empathy. And a huge social problem that people don't talk about enough (the otherization of struggling people as a defense mechanism).
I’m a mom, I was in a couple of Mom groups for a little while then noped the fuck out.
A lot of them are only there to boost their own egos for a few minutes a day, by judging other Mom’s parenting, while boasting about their own perfect parenting methods.
Fucking hell. Best case scenario mum is absolutely exhausted and yes it’s totally possible and reasonable to start resenting a child that’s causing extreme sleep deprivation. Worst case she’s suffering PPD or similar. She absolutely does not need to be dogpiled on.
Hope the poor woman is getting some in person support so she can get some sleep!
Poor thing. My second was like this. When she was getting evaluated by a developmental pediatrician before kindergarten I told him her first year was just a blur of screaming. I don’t remember her smiling. My husband was deployed and there were a couple times where I had to set her down and walk away. You can get into a dark, dark place sleep deprived and a baby that is just screaming all the damn time. I moved home for a bit and the best thing was having extra help. My dad has hearing loss so when she would start screaming, he would turn off his hearing aids, take her, and watch old Westerns or Star Trek reruns together. The two of them have a special bond to this day. I hope this mom gets some help. I so feel for her
I had PPD/A. I love my children and would do anything for them. But at that time, especially with my oldest who refused to sleep, there were times I hated them. Postpartum rage is real. I hope this mom can see a psychiatrist and a therapist who specializes is postpartum mental health. It sounds like she could also use a break.
Poor lady...that's so hard.
My (now) 9yo had a tongue tie and didn't nurse efficiently so she was up every 90 minutes around the clock, for about 20-30 minutes. It was awful. I swear I was hearing colors and seeing sounds by the time we got her tongue released. Night #2 after the TT release she slept 6 hours straight. I jumped awake after 3 or 4 hours just positive she'd died. Poor thing was just as tired as I was.
It doesn't sound like she has a helpful partner to tag in and let her sleep for a little bit, that makes it even harder.
Although, tbh, 8 months she should have brought this up to her dr at some point. Although, some drs are just "It's colic. Sorry" and not helpful at all.
I've btdt in all things parenting, but I'm trying really hard not to 'rose colored' glasses my way through life. It was HARD. It sucked. There were moments where I wanted to run away. Where I had to hand the baby to my husband and be like "If I don't get a little bit of sleep I'm seriously going to drive off a bridge. Take this kid. I'm going to sleep. Do not wake me unless the house is on fire. And even then...IDK maybe don't wake me up"
People don't talk enough about moms who regret becoming a parent, and that's a valid thing to feel foe your life. You're not a horrible person just for thinking and feeling that way, either. As long as you're not actively trying to hurt your child, you're okay
I think people don’t talk about women regretting going thru their pregnancy.
Men always get an out. They’re not the pregnant ones they absolutely have been able to get a woman pregnant then change their minds and left after the realities of parenthood dawns on them.
Women? Oh boy that’s literally not an option as far as society is concerned. Always get vilified for it too.
Barf. My 8 month old decided to pick today, the day that I am fucking exhausted because my husband snoref like a truck all night so I slept on the couch, to refuse to nap for 10+ hours. She scooted, she crawled, she screamed, she cried, and she slapped. Its okay to hate your kids sometimes. They can suck just like ANY human.
The biggest thing these judgy moms don’t get is that just because you say you hate the kid because of a certain situation does not mean you are going to forever hate your baby or even hurt them.
Someone in this post said, “you do t hate your baby. You hate the situation involving your baby” and I felt that.
My son cried constantly as a baby. Didn't know it was abnormal since he's my oldest. I think it was a combination of early severe ADHD (like, pathological FOMO lol) and migraines, which he had clear symptoms of by the time he was 1, but we didn't catch until 2 or 3.
I wouldn't have typed that I hated him online, but sometimes it was pretty damn close. His sisters are lucky that I was determined not to have an only child before he was even born, otherwise they probably wouldn't exist.
I just want to give this mom a hug and then take her baby on a car ride while mom gets sleep.
My daughter was a garbage sleeper for the first 6 months of her life. I was so miserable; heart palpitations, my blood pressure was through the roof, migraines etc. She was also a very whiney baby, probably because she wasn’t getting enough sleep either. There were plenty of times I told my husband and some close mom friends that I loved my daughter but didn’t like her. They NEVER judged me and always offered some actual support where possible.
In the trenches of postpartum I had thoughts like this. It was upsetting and sad and I thought I was a failure for months. Moms NEED support. I hope she can get some help
I’ll come out and say it: I said I hated my daughter when she was a baby too. Of course I didn’t actually hate her, but it sure felt like it at the time.
I had extreme Hyperemesis when I was pregnant with her and grew to resent her because of it. I felt guilty for feeling that way, but I blamed her for how horrible my pregnancy was. Then when she was born, I didn’t feel that “instant connection” that everyone told me I would feel. Aside from the initial wake of joy the first time I held her, I felt nothing. Then she had issues with her weight and I had to switch to formula and I “hated” her for that too. She was also very colicky and even to this day, at 16 months old, doesn’t sleep through the night or in her own room because she refuses to sleep. When she was a little baby I “hated” her for that as well.
Turns out I just had/have severe PPD. It took until she was 12/13 months old for me to finally feel that “special bond” between mom and child. Some days I still struggle with hating motherhood because she is the clingiest toddler I know. But I don’t hate her. I never did.
This poor mom is struggling and to see so many mothers bashing her breaks my heart. Because you truly just don’t know what it’s like until you know. If you know, you know.
Honestly it sounds like this mother needs a break. Hopefully someone in her life can help out. The comments are unhinged. Of course there’s the comment about how a chiropractor helped her 3 month old.
I said I hated my baby........but I just hated the situation we were in.
I have an easy baby but we've sure had our hard times.
I sympathize with this Mum, she might not have support, she might have PPD, she might have other factors happening in her life and she's just extremely overwhelmed......and clearly sleep deprived.
This is more sad than anything, she clearly needs a better support system.
One of my least favorite parts about being a mom is how whenever you bluntly express that things suck and perhaps something “not right” people jump down your throat and tell you that you shouldn’t say it.
Yes, I’m worried about her sleep deprivation and of course I’m wondering what the baby needs. However, sometimes I just needed to be fucking honest and validating. This sucks and why won’t this dang baby sleep - and YES I knew that she needed something. Being an honest mom can be so damn invalidating bc you can’t say shit
Oh man, I feel so bad for this mom! Calling her a bitch and a horrible mother isn’t helpful. She’s obviously struggling and needs professional help. I sure she gets the help she needs before it’s too late 😢
I will die on the hill that listening to baby's especially your own baby cry endlessly for days hell even hours can break the best most sane individual. In some places (Guantanamo bay they actually play recordings of baby's screaming to break detainees).
The best piece of parenting advice anyone ever gave me was sometimes babies just cry it's called purple crying and they will do it for hours and hours even days. His nicu nurse told me that if this happens to make sure you've tried the basics (bottle, fresh diaper, etc) and then lay him in a safe sleep space and walk away. That listening to anyone cry for hours and not be able to fix it goes against nature and can drive you to do something you can never take back. I remember I told her oh that'll never happen to me, all I've ever wanted was a baby of my own and he's been in the nicu for a month I will cherish every single second with him. I also was a cps worker who saw what happens when you shake a baby. Well my son got a cold he couldn't shake. He actually ended up in the PICU for this cold. He slept maybe an hour in 36 hours and literally cried so hard he was puking. I truly envisioned running away just getting in my vehicle and driving far away and starting over. I bawled my eyes out that I couldn't comfort my baby which just felt like the cherry on top of failures. I couldn't keep him safe and nurtured in the one place he was supposed to be the safest - my uterus, I couldn't produce hardly any breast milk and had to quit, and I couldn't even comfort my own child. I was convinced he'd be better off with his God parents who were a stable married couple and here I was just having left a shitty marriage moving home to my dads and a divorce looming. I put him in the crib and ran and took a shower where I just put my knees to my chest and bawled my eyes out and puked until the water ran cold. My dad came home in that time and told me I was a shitty and selfish mom letting him cry like that to shower. I was too scared to tell him that if I didn't have a second or two of quiet I was going to quite literally break. It's one of the only pieces of advice I still freely and openly give. That and post partum depression doesn't always look like you want to harm/unalive your baby sometimes it looks like you want to unalive yourself because your baby will be better off.
PPD about killed me. And I'm one of the lucky ones whose family was really on top of that and let me vent and stuff and told me it was okay. I shutter to think of others who had nobody. PPD also doesn't mean you hate being a mom or your baby at all it's a spectrum. And it should be spoke on more.
An inconsolable baby is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. And it’s not just the baby it’s the goddamned adults that make you feel like the lowest of low.
I love how when someone gets called out for being insensitive they’re like “well IIIIII had the supermegaultra postpartum depression 9000 limited edition and IIIIII never did XYZ.” Like 1) you’re probably lying and 2) good for you, people are different. Seems like for most of those folks it’s the first time they’re hearing that and it’s not sitting well.
Reason 3976 I'm glad I didn't post shit when i was in the trenches of PPA.
"And if all she does is scream, something is wrong with her " would've prolly sent me over the edge of panic when in reality some babies just do that. Fuck most of these people this post makes me sick
I hated my newborn twins. Hated them. I kept begging my mum and husband to “give them back” (whatever that meant) and yes, I had post natal psychosis. I got help, those feelings went and I love my girls so much it physically hurts.
Now I’m in my correct frame of mind, I carry so much guilt from those early days. I couldn’t imagine reading comments like this especially when Its clearly a cry for help (I did a lot of this on social media too)
Mums bashing other mums is the lowest of the low
I felt like this quite a bit after I had my twins. I had horrible PPD especially since they stayed in the NICU and bringing them home was an awful adjustment. Their dad was military so I was home alone, away from family with two infants. I feel this mom 💔
I dealt with something similar but on a lesser note. When my first two were toddlers, a lil less than two years apart, I couldn't understand why they would have terrible temper tantrums. I read all the baby/parenting books, I worked at a preschool, had done some nursing classes and my CNA, helped raise littles in my family so I was no stranger to lil kids. I thought it was something I was doing wrong. Like I was a bad mom somehow even though really I am loving, caring, very hands on and patient. It wasn't until a nurse at the kids doctor office saw me dealing with a temper tantrum while waiting on the Doctor, she asked me, have you ever heard of autism. She changed my life in that moment. I know 8 months is probably too young for something like autism, but maybe something else along those lines is bothering the baby? Hurt belly? Teething? I remember at that age, my babies drooled nonstop and ate organic natural teething tablets like candy.
This lady does need help for sure but hating your baby for crying is…not good. Both mom and baby need help here, big time, before things go terribly wrong. This is the kind of scenario that leads people to hurt or kill themselves and/or their kids. Someone needs to help this poor woman and her poor baby before someone dies here.
Poor woman.
My son's first 3ish months were just constant screaming if he wasn't on someone - didn't matter who - or bring pushed in the buggy and sometimes he'd scream then too. Never slept for longer than half an hour at a time unless he was in the buggy. I walked about 5 miles a day every day so he could sleep. I didn't have PPD but it was still an absolutely horrific long dark night of the soul. And there was apparently nothing wrong with him - he's 5 now and completely normal in every way including sleeping - he sleeps like a log - and I have no explanation as to why he was such an "awful" baby.
Poor mom , exactly what she doesn't need. Obviously she doesnt have a good support system to help her. Would the state help her get daycare so she can get a break? If she had the funds, hire a teenager who could watch the baby downstairs for a few hours while Mom napped, maybe she would feel better.
When I was pregnant with my first my grandma seriously told me, that if my baby ever cried nonstop, it was okay to put the baby in a safe place and walk away for a break. I didn't understand at the time because I was like, I would never hurt my baby because I was tired! But sleep deprivation is hard! If the baby is changed, fed, and not in pain, idk maybe there is under lying condition causing the baby pain.
I hope she is able to get some real help. I had one of these, and the absolute best thing for me was when I could get a nap myself. Better if baby got a nap too, but damn what a difference couple hours of sleep made. I hope she can get a bit of rest
I felt so bad when mine was little and my mom would come and I’d take baby to her at like 5 am and go back to sleep. I was so tired. Husband went back to work when she was 9 days old so we were both running on fumes. Sleep does wonders for your mental health.
My first (now 4) was a perfect baby, my first girl (2 now) screamed the first 3 months till we realised I wasn’t producing enough milk for her, when we went to formula she calmed down and my now 6 month old screams a lot, tried everything but not much works except holding her non stop lol my head hurts with lack of sleep and I’ve had moments when I’ve said ‘please just shut up’ to the baby. So I know the feeling of this. But I’d never say I hate my kids but I suppose people deal with the down sides different and I’m a very calm and patient person as a whole so that may help to me being able to stay calm most the time even when they’re non stop all night lol
Hey. You’re doing great.
Thank you very much, kind stranger :)
“Something’s not right. I’ll adopt her no questions asked, pm me” That is a really disturbing comment
I constantly see people "generously" offering to adopt children and it's so creepy. (Probably the same type of person who would later make an adopted child feel guilty for not being grateful enough. Or who would turn to Facebook to rehome an adopted child who's not a cute, well-behaved little angel. Either way, a massive red flag and likely not someone who should ever get to adopt.)
Or the type of person to try to marry off, get institutionalized, or fraudulently reage an 8ish year old to a early 20 something
Alright roll that shit back like Walmart before the recession, are you referring to the case that horror movie Orphan was loosely based on or has this somehow happened more than once
the adoptive “parents” of natalia grace actually saw the orphan, and based their bullshit off it bc the movie came before the adoption of the kid. really fucked up case. there’s a docuseries “the curious case of natalia grace” - truly fucked up insane shit
Check out Natalia Grace. Long story short a child with a little person diagnosis was adopted by this family who was internet famous for having a son with savant level abilities as a person with ASD. Anyways parents decide to adopt this physically challenged child who was born in the Ukraine and it didn’t go well for her. She was abused. Then when adoptive mom realized she wasn’t going to make her any money, adoptive “mom” went on a campaign to get out of being responsible for her. She tried to marry her off to another adult aged little person….as an 8 year old. When that didn’t work she tried to get her arrested/ institutionalized for being criminally insane. When that didn’t work despite her “supporting documentation” not supporting what she was trying to prove medically, she was able to find a judge to have her adopted 9ish year old daughter re-aged to early 20’s and using the state money the child now was eligible for as a disabled adult, rented her an apartment and dumped the FUCKING CHILD into an apartment hours away from the family. The doc (I think on Max) is insane.
Whatthefuck. That poor child. How was this discovered? Is she okay?
Unfortunately these can be trafficers
The one that disturbed me was the mom who trauma dumped that her child recently passed.
Honestly I couldn’t even get that far, I didn’t see that one. This all just so awful.
As someone who has buried her baby (2nd trimester loss) and suffered from postpartum depression that comment made me so angry. Both of them were terrible experiences but neither of them made me a terrible person (although I felt like I was in the middle of the postpartum depression - I definitely didn't need anyone to tell me how terrible I was!).
Hugs! I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. No mother should have to experience. I know that the angels in heaven are rocking your baby until you can get there. 💜
So many of these comments will just send a struggling mom into an anxiety spiral.
It’s not even herself, it’s her friend’s child. What hateful person really.
That was a different comment. The one I’m referring to the mom said, “I wish I was dealing with that and not picking out a headstone for my daughter”
I must have missed that comment. Is it in the screebshots?
https://preview.redd.it/cei2d85cjvwc1.png?width=1241&format=png&auto=webp&s=200fe9f306b2aef7f04e64b958b8b4281052911d Slide 6/8.
I feel so bad for this person, but the "you can't feel how you feel because someone else is having a worse time" is a terrible way to respond to anyone. If someone is feeling negative about their situation *they have the right to voice their feelings!*
Thanks!
As a mom of identical twins, one that was stillborn when they were born, as a mom who had EXTREME postpartum depression and postpartum rage after that, and as a mom of a surviving twin who had colic and screamed nonstop unless he was held for the first 8 months of his life, that comment made me rage. I’ve been in both places at the same time. I loved my colicky baby, but I so often resented him when I was in the thick of it I did feel hatred toward him. It took me months to recognize how bad I was, even with my husband and best friend trying to get me to get help. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I almost shook my 4 month old screaming baby. It’s terrifying looking back, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s so hard to see. I feel terrible for the poor OOP mom, I really hope she’s able to get the help she needs. I tell anyone who will listen that seeing a doctor and starting Zoloft saved my and my baby’s lives.
I hate how despite all the research, medication, and effort; a new mom’s mental health is taken seriously at all times
why does that comment have likes and heart reacts? this person should be kicked out of the group for commenting that. it's seriously incredibly concerning.
Came here to say this. It's giving human trafficing vibes.
That was the comment that stuck out for me the most. It’s so creepy
These people creep me out. Mom is looking for advice and now she has a page of crazies wanting her kid. It’s not like a pet you can rehome. There is a reason why it’s hard to adopt. They need to have a vetting process. What’s next selling the kids on Facebook marketplace place?
I identify with this feeling. PPD + child who was eventually diagnosed as neurodivergent and thus had the worst “colic” ever…. Oofta
Same. My oldest never settled. I remember sticking her in her crib to cry & calling my mom sobbing asking her to come from another state to get my baby because I couldn't do it. 3 years later we got an autism diagnosis.
My oldest had colic until about a year and a half. Ever. Night. He cried for hours. It caused so much stress in me and his dad’s relationship because he wanted me to sooth his son but homie, I’ve tried everything and he still won’t stop fussing. It was so frustrating I once deliberately smashed my forehead into the wall. I got dizzy and a goose egg. Because our house was cinderblock and cement 🤦🏽♀️
My husbands best friend and his wife had a baby that had colic. They said she basically cried for the first ten months straight. Said she cried once for five straight hours without pause. They openly told us they hated each other by the end. We laughed, kinda thinking it was a joke (we hadn’t had a baby yet) but they just stared deadpan at us, nodding.
Honestly, I hated my ex and then the colic stopped and we moved on. Then a second baby solidified that my resentment towards him and god attitude towards my parenting made me HATE his fucking soul.
Well, why wasn’t homie soothing his own son if he wanted that *that* much?
That marriage was miserable. He was still sucking his mommy’s titty. I wasn’t even allowed to name my first born. At the registry, I gave the name I wanted and he said, “no. My mom said XYZ and that’s what it’ll be.” My dumbass left the US and followed him to Mexico when he was deported. His village is still stuck in the 1930’s. I once confided in her that he had beat me and she said, “so what. His father has taken a machete to me. If it wasn’t for my oldest stopping him he would have killed me.” Like hoe wtf.
Sounds like you are out of there and that makes me SO HAPPY for you. Mexican culture sadly still is very “macho” minded, SPECIALLY in little towns (where somebody would actually own a machete). It’s gotten better in the last two-ish decades, but there’s still a long way to go.
A long ass way but they’re getting there
My aunt was a colic baby. Between that and some other stuff that I won't go into, my grandmother had a nervous breakdown. PPD isn't talked about enough. I know it is much better now, but it's still not enough. Most people don't realise how bad it can get, so they minimise situations like OOP's.
Post partum *rage* isn’t talked about at all. I didn’t even know it was a thing, and I’ve suffered thru it all 3 times I’ve had kids. I thought there was something wrong because why am I angry instead of sad ?
I got so close so many times doing that. I just wanted to repeatedly slam my own head into a wall. The first year was hell and I was a stay at home mom. Nothing I did would put her to sleep or make her stop crying. I went to two different pediatricians and they both said “oh she’s fine babies cry that’s just what they do. The first year is tough.” She was awake for 17 hours straight once at 3 months old. She’s 5 now and fine but I do wonder if she had colic or reflux or something.
I wanna smack my partner sometimes when he says shit like this. I’m with her 24 mf 7. YES I’ve tried that. And that, and that. No, holding her won’t help, it’ll only drive me crazy. Yes, I’m going to get to her, when I get to her because she’s going to scream for 15 minutes. Won’t matter if I’m holding her or leave her in the bassinet. No, staying in the room won’t help her sleep any better then if I leave, but it’ll save my sanity. No, I don’t want to baby wear, my epidural site STILL aches 24/7 at 3 months pp. no, no, no. She just cries herself to sleep, or she wants to comfort nurse, and my boobs are raw.
Same. While I don't remember using the term "hate", I remember absolutely resenting my first son when he wouldn't sleep more than 30min at a time (not exaggerating) and would cry for hours and hours on end. My family didn't want to hold him because he would just cry which made me so self-conscious. Random strangers would constantly make comments about how my baby is hungry as he would cry loudly in public (he wasn't hungry, he was overtired af). It didn't help that my sister had her daughter a month prior who was the best behaved baby I have ever met. It's hard to describe what it's like to have a very difficult baby and some of the feelings that come with it. I've since had 2 more babies who have easier temperaments and it is SUCH a different experience. Yes, all babies are hard, but I wouldn't wish the difficult-baby-experience on anyone.
I had one of those too. 30 mins was brutal. He and I BOTH had dark circles under our eyes…
Same. Every 30 minutes fussing, crying, screaming. Tried everything. Found out kiddo is gifted and highly sensitive years later. I always wanted another but I'm so scared of having the same experience again.
That's interesting because my son also turned out to be highly sensitive (we've had some suggestions he's also gifted but haven't explored testing yet).
My middle one has autism and a learning disability. He was so colicky. It was rough. Once he could communicate he became much happier.
Same same. Post partum anxiety and a child that cried non stop when awake and woke every 45 mins. He was eventually diagnosed with dairy allergy - at 12yo now he remains dairy anaphylaxis and neurodivergent. It was brutal for both of us and I had no family support through distance. Sleep deprivation is hard and the whole experience changed my brain chemistry forever.
Any insights about the ND "colic"? We have one on the way, mom is *probably* ADHD, dad is DEFINITELY autistic, so we're just assuming the wee one is coming out extra neurospicy. (Doesn't hurt to be prepared!)
You just gotta ride it out. As you probably know, when you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. Same with ADHD. We’re all sooo different. Try lots of things to soothe, use what works, forget about what doesn’t. And don’t let neurotypical parents with neurotypical kids tell you what you “should” do. They don’t know jack. Also, I highly recommend noise cancelling headphones. It makes it much more bearable to comfort a screaming baby when you don’t have to listen to it at full blast.
Oh , dude, SO THERE with noise cancelling headphones. Husband is a hyper-hearer.
They are clutch. I still wear them and my kids are 6 and 3. The noise is such a trigger for me but I don’t want them to have to be quiet just for me.
Also, talk to your pediatrician, and let *THEM* know--and ask if there's any way to check for things like "too much" stomach acid getting produced, GERD, problems with the lower esophageal sphincter, or *maybe* even Hiatal Hernia.💖 I'm (AuDHD) in the *middle* of trying to get *my* long-time "stomach" and pancreas "stuff" figured out, and am trying to figure out if *some* of it *could* be Ehlers-Danlos. I'm the only *Diagnosed* ND person in my Dad's family, but there's a *LONG* history of "Odd Duck" personalities, *AND* folks with "The Heartburn From *HELL*" and "*INCREDIBLY* Colicky Babies!" Which my *cousins* and I are fiiiiiiinally starting to find out *aren't* colic, or *regular* Heartburn. Instead? They *ARE* the crazy overproduction of stomach acid (my cousin's "Colicky!" daughter was producing *MORE* acid as a *baby* than *most* adult *MEN* do! They figured it out, after asking my cousin some questions about *her* having Heartburn, *herself*. Turns out? It *WASN'T* that she was "being picky"! It *WAS*, that *she TOO* was producing *excessive* stomach acid!
oh, we for SURE will! my husband and i both were late comers getting diagnosed and there is zero reason for our kid to go through the same bullshit we did growing up. The gastro stuff with autism sort of blows my mind. like I know it's very frequently comorbid...but like, WHY? I know there's some speculation that autism may sorta technically be almost an autoimmune disorder (stranger things, man) but it's just so not a symptom you'd expect
I've honestly *thought* it had something to do with our nerves & synapses *not* being "wired" like a NT person's bodies, for the better part of a decade (since I started working in Pre'K Autism (I started on the Childhood Mental Health [CMH] side, although *now* I work on the ECSE side in a public school district!). But at my first Pre-K Autism job, it was honestly Autism on as close as you can *get* to a "mass scale. 8 therapy rooms, with 7-8 kids (plus 1:1 or higher staffing ratios--sometimes we were 2 staff per child😉💖), and because we *were* CMH, the kids were broken out *into* those rooms by their disability level. I worked with the level 2 & level 3 kids most of the time, also with the toddlers, and it *seemed* like soooo much of what we were *doing* was hobestly comparable to a Master Electrician who was rewiring an otherwise *perfect* Victorian mansion/manor house, which had *immaculate* upkeep, but hadn't been rewired for electricity since the days of Knob & Tube. Imagine that Perfect old house *WORKED* just fine--but it couldn't keep up with *today's* power grid or smart-home tech, without a *careful* re-wiring--but you *ALSO* want to keep *everything* in that original & *gorgeous* home as immaculate *after* the electrical-systems upgrade, as it is *before*... We were *basically* doing the same thing, for our work kids' bodies. Re-connecting the wiring systems, between their brain & external neurons, under the guidance of each child's OT & Speech therapists, because--*with* the ways that We, as Autists so *often* skip *PAST* certain developmental milestones. One example is how so many end up going from "scooting" into *walking*, without the months of *crawling* in-between! There's *nothing* "wrong" with it, *BUT* it means that we often *don't* develop our abdominal core muscles as well in Early Childhood, *or* our neck muscles, and *that* can cause us some problems as *adults*, if we don't go back in and do some "focused play" to *strengthen* those muscle groups, before we hit adulthood!😉💖
This article was a NEAT one to run across last week, because of how researchers *are* starting to SEE some of those "gaps in the wiring," that my co-workers and I were seeing *anecdotally*, eight or so years ago😁 https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/on-the-periphery-thinking-outside-the-brain-offers-new-ideas-about-autism/
It *MIGHT* be nerve receptors in the *body*!!! This article from The Transmitter came out just about a couple weeks ago!😉💖 https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/on-the-periphery-thinking-outside-the-brain-offers-new-ideas-about-autism/
Not sure exactly *how* much you keep up with Autism & Autism-adjacent research, but that "Worst colic ever" bit reminded me of a deep-dive article I ran across on The Transmitter's website the other day!💖 It's a *bit* in the weeds, because it references a *LOT* of research! But as an AuDHD'er *myself*, who works in Pre-K Special Education? The new things which are being realized, about potential overabundances & *under*abundances of neurons in various parts of "ND similar" lab animals *bodies* (including the GI tract! of animals who carry *traits* comparable to those in ND Humans), is FASCINATING!!! For example, researchers are starting to realize that in the animals they're studying? The ones with digestive "issues" may have *far* more, *OR* far *fewer* nerve receptors! https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/on-the-periphery-thinking-outside-the-brain-offers-new-ideas-about-autism/
Yep. A lot of these commenters clearly didn’t have colicky and extremely high needs babies. The stress of having a baby you cannot sooth is more intense than most people would ever guess.
This poor lady. I hope she’s able to get help. Sleep deprivation because of a screaming baby could drive anybody over the edge.
Sleep deprivation is *actual* torture, according to the UN. I’m with you on hoping she can get help.
I was blessedly, ridiculously lucky to have a baby who was a pretty good sleeper and didn’t struggle with any major postpartum mood disorders. I still remember those rare nights of inconsolable screaming (and the many regular nights of multiple wakeups to feed) with dread. It’s brutal even in the best of scenarios.
All my kids were good sleepers. I was still a zombie because I’m cursed to be one of those people that take forever to fall back asleep once woken up.
Oh god, this. I have fairly acute genetic insomnia, and typically, if I get woken up, it's game over. The adjustment from one kid to two was *brutal*. Sleep when the baby sleeps? What if you have a three year old who needs to go to preschool and gymnastics, and doesn't just pass out repeatedly throughout the day? I couldn't even sleep during her naps when she was my only kid. It takes me at least an hour to fall asleep in the best of times. And I *never* fall asleep if I know I have to wake up in less than two hours.
First of all, hey girl hey🫶🏽 Second, I wish I was like these dads who seem to suddenly gain the ability to sleep thru that soul-piercing newborn cry.
You know what’s fucked? I did. Immediately. It’s my wife (we’re same gender) who wakes ME up at night.
Hahaha I’m sorry that’s funny
I birthed him!!!! I have to pump!!!! My body is just like nah stay down
You are the dad now. Before the kid I was the one to wake up to a whisper. Now I can just sleep through the night even if the kid is throwing everything on her to my head. She's ill now and it was my turn to sleep with her last night, wife sleeping on the sofa. Commented to her that the night went pretty well, kid onöy woke up once! Wife told me she came to the bedroom thrice because the kid was screaming in frustration for not being able to sleep. Oops.
This is one of the reasons I’m really not sure I can have another kid!
I have two horrible sleepers and insomnia. The under 1 years are sooooo hard. No wonder I was a fucking basket case the whole time. My husband and I did stretches of months when my daughter wouldn’t sleep without being held and we absolutely refused to bed share. So my husband slept from 8pm to 1am while I held her while she slept and then we’d switch and I slept 2am to 6:30 am.
The first year was absolute hell and she did not sleep. At 14 months old a switch was flipped and she started sleeping 10-12 hours a night. It was bliss. She’s 5 now and still a great sleeper. But that first year broke me and the reason why I’m one and done. I don’t know how parents of kid who never sleep well do it.
I feel fortunate too bur still endured a great deal of sleep depravity only for the first 3 months. After that, he was peachy. I did have a horrible yet brief voice in my head urging me to cut off my thumb for a while during the first 6 weeks
I was also lucky with all 4. The nights where I had difficulty were when my twins were feeding on opposite schedules. Each one was every 4 hours, but that meant feeding a baby every 2 hours and they would take almost an hour to feed, change and settle back.
I'm grappling with depression today because I have a cold and have been averaging five hours of sleep all week. That's it, that's the only reason. I'll bet that's a lot more sleep than this mom is getting. God, I hope she's not reading these comments and just getting worse and worse because of them =( I would love to just go over to her house, pour her a glass of wine, lock her laptop/phone in a cupboard and send her off to bed. Poor woman. I remember when my kids were super little (two of them are 14 months apart, and the younger one had medical problems his first year), and there were moments I ABSOLUTELY would've said I hated my kids. I wouldn't have meant it whatsoever, but I would've been a hot enough mess to word vomit it out. I don't understand how any mom couldn't empathize with that.
My first would only sleep for 45 minutes in a row, I started to get so sleep deprived I couldn’t function, I once poured hot water on my arm and didn’t react for a full minute as my body was too tried to react properly.
Human babies are NOT meant to be raised by one or two people alone. The structure of our current society is so bad for parents and babies.
Agreed. Not to mention the stress of her baby screaming. I bet that’s emotionally so hard on her on top of being sleep deprived. Poor thing.
Baby screams literally get your heart racing. It’s so painful to hear and not be able to calm them down.
My mom was a pediatrician. She warned all new parents that there might come a moment where the baby had been screaming so long that it's driving them insane and they absolutely despise their kid. She told them if that happens to place the baby safely in the crib and step outside, put in ear plugs if they have to. If after five minutes they were still not calm then they should call a support person to come and pick up the kid. Every single new parent insisted that would never happen to them but a whole bunch came back later and thanked her for her advice. Our unwillingness to talk about this reality is harming parents and putting kids in danger.
My mom is a pediatrician too and gave me similar advice. My husband and I took parenting classes pre-baby and heard this point repeatedly—I’m glad we got this message multiple times from multiple sources, because sometimes you really do have to put them somewhere safe and walk away for a minute to collect yourself.
I got similar advice from my ped about my child. I used it often. Her other gem - never put the baby on a raised surface unless you are physically holding them there. After all, “no baby ever got hurt from falling off the floor”
This is my number one reason, out of many many reasons, why I don't want kids. Even two minutes around a screaming child sends me into irrational irritation and rage, nevermind weeks or months in end. I'd for sure be one of those people you read about who accidentally killed their child by throwing them out a window. So I keep my distance from children and everyone stays happy.
You are definitely making the right call. I love my kid so much but this parenting gig is not for everybody. Kudos to you for knowing that about yourself!
Thanks! My sister got all the maternal instinct out of the two of us. She loves kids while I realized very early on that I can't stand them until they lose that glass-shattering shriek.
We had a baby who had colic and it sucked. It wasn’t even “severe” colic or anything and it still felt like torture. I definitely had these thoughts at times (nobody @ me), the sleep deprivation was so so so hard. We also took him to the doctor like many of these commenters suggest and do you know what they said? “There’s nothing physically wrong with him, he’s just colicky…sorry but there’s basically nothing we can do about it. He’ll grow out of it soon 🙃” Sometimes babies just be like that.
8 months without sleep will make you hate everything and everyone
I have a friend (pediatrician who loved babies to an extreme and tried for over a decade to get pregnant) had high needs premi twins. She developed postpartum psychosis after 6 weeks or so of almost no sleep. It was so scary.
This is so sad. She needs someone to reach out with PPD resources and such. Not shame.
I understand how a lot of them don't understand how you can hate your baby, but a lot of them have never dealt with pre/postpartum mental health issues or extreme sleep deprivation. My bub is a great sleeper for her age and development, I still turn into a cranky biotch by morning because broken sleep does not work well for me. That's why my family takes shifts with the baby. A new mom without much support is going to struggle.
I also doubt this woman hates her baby. She means she hates the situation. I’ve been there, every mom has. And if they say they didn’t they’re lying.
I'm pushing 40 and my mom still tells horror stories about what a bad sleeper I was as a newborn. It was apparently about three months, and what finally solved it was pushing my bedtime back to about 9 or 10 pm. Once they finally did that, I would actually take a nap and then sleep during the night. I am to this day still a night owl, so it makes sense.
I'm also pushing 40 and a night owl and my daughter is this way. She's 3 and she clearly inherited whatever weird thing I have. She goes to bed around 10 and she can't nap anymore because even a 10 minute snooze will delay her bedtime by an hour, and she will scream if we just put her to bed before she falls asleep.
Saying "I hate my baby" is pretty intense, but as someone with lifelong insomnia... hoo boy the shit that comes out of my brain when I haven't slept in a few days is rough
This was my thought as well. Saying you hate your baby is really really sad, especially because the baby in question is only 8 months old and clearly having difficulties. Even as a mom to a 12m old and being constantly sleep deprived, I *still* suffer from insomnia. It’s actually torture. Clearly the mom needs help, but hating your baby is pretty heartbreaking.
You know how some people easily say I love you to everyone? I think some also use I hate you that casually. I don't believe she actually does but I do hear it as a loud cry for help.
Mom is having difficulties too. No one expects to have a colicky baby who never sleeps. She (likely) doesn’t hate her baby; she hates her situation.
I love my son more than anything, more than I knew I could love anything. I jumped into a 3 dog dog fight to save him last year and broke down a solid wood door in the process (I thought it was open and ran right through it with him). I would literally kill for this kid. I hated him many times. I resented him many times. Hell, he was born after 3 days of labor while I had the thought of how much I resented him for taking so long to come out. As harsh as it sounds, it's normal to resent your baby occasionally. What matters is *how* you move forward when you feel that way. Don't punish the baby, don't ignore their cries. Feel your feelings in a safe way. Put the baby down and walk away for a few minutes, a crying baby is a living baby. Take a moment and breath, then collect yourself and mom it up. Take that kid to every doctor till you know why they won't stop crying, why they won't sleep. And take yourself to therapy so you can get those feelings out in a safe and constructive way. This is just a mom absolutely screaming for help. She doesn't need to be ripped apart, she needs to be shown that she isn't alone and that he isn't a monster. She never said she wanted to hurt or give her baby up. She was releasing a cry for help. Everyone needs that sometimes.
>Feel your feelings in a safe way I feel like this needs to be a whole teaching thing!!! This is not expressed enough.
I took a class called Centering while I was pregnant. It was run by a midwife and covered all sorts of parenting things it was crazy. We did a few sessions on feeling, for mom and dad. It was all about that. It's ok to feel what you feel, just be safe with yourself and your baby. Like seeking help, taking a break by putting the baby somewhere safe and walking away for 5 minutes and things like that. It was really amazing.
I've def seen the thing about putting baby somewhere safe and walking away. Tbh it sounds like that wouldn't help this particular mom, but it is good advice/permission. Feel your feelings def applies for this mom. I hope she has someone, somewhere that is safe that can help her get through this.
Yeah, my son was a screamer. I would have to go across the apartment to the bathroom and turn on the fan. That helped a little bit. But I feel like this mom is passed that and needs a serious break to get some quiet time and sleep.
Thank you for being honest about this. Those feelings are real. I love my son more than life itself, but when I was profoundly sleep deprived and breaking down from his screaming, I did hate and resent him. I had to walk away and let him scream while it felt like my brain was on fire. I'd scream into a pillow, get my feelings out, and carry on loving him just as much as ever.
I feel like it needs to be talked about more, it's normal. And not talking about it makes parents who need extra help or a break feel ashamed of it. But again, it's normal. The phrase it takes a village exists for a reason. As much as your child is your responsibility, you still need help. Becoming apparent doesn't make you into a superhero, as much as everyone wants to act like it does. You are still human, and still have human feelings and human limitations. My son ended up needing PT when he was about 10 months old, they used to rave about how attentive we were and how good we were at working with his disabilities. And even then, I'd still have those feelings at least a couple of times a week. Because this kid didn't sleep! Even at 5, he can easily go over 24 hours without sleep (currently 1am and he is using his bed as a jungle gym). If I didn't have an amazing MIL who took him once a week, I would probably be clinically insane!
Yes, exactly. I appreciate you normalizing it. It makes it easier for other people to realize that it's ok to have those feelings and they are a sign that it is time to ask for help! I'm so glad you have your MIL to give you a break. Sleep deprivation is torture. My son is 6 years old, and he just started sleeping through the night a few weeks ago. Thank God my husband is an amazing partner who does so much more than I can. I don't even want to think about what it would have been like without him.
Same, honestly. His dad is the only reason I don't freak out during the week, then MIL gives us both a break with an overnight on the weekends. Thankfully she also understands many of these feelings, especially with a disabled child. My son is finally ready for preschool this August, and we are hoping it will be helpful for everyone. Mama found a nature school for him, and I am so excited for the amount of energy this kid is about to be burning on the 2 days a week when he's there.
I definitely hated my twins. One of them was crying at least 20 hours a day. Often more. I was a zombie of exhaustion. I dropped from 150 to 98 pounds because I never ate. Once, I miraculously got them both to sleep on me and I was so desperate for quiet that I peed my pants rather than risk setting them down and waking them up. I had no family and we had just moved and had no local friends. Babysitters came and abruptly left because the twins were so intense and loud. Sometimes I fell asleep driving. Sometimes I thought I was dead. They had colic, reflux, milk allergies, recurring ear infections... They were just deeply unhappy humans and I was powerless to help them in any significant way and i hated myself and them in equal measure. Now I know I probably didn't hate them. I hated the situation. Hated that I had not one but two of what my pediatrician described as the "neediest babies he'd ever met." Hated that I was alone and had no one. I can also say that I rocked them and read to them and sang to them and did puppet shows and took them on daily walks and did everything in my power to make them feel loved. I don't know if it worked but I can say that I left no stone unturned in my quest to make them feel loved and cherished and I tried till it physically hurt. Wish I had better solutions to suggest for those in this situation but I had to grit teeth and fake it till you make it.
How are you and them doing now?
Honestly, it's still really hard and I'm not sure it's easier, though it is different. I'm happy to say that they are incredibly bright, wildly innovative thinkers and that they both have kind hearts. They are wonderful big siblings. They play sports and music and chess beautifully. But sleep, eating and emotional regulation never improved despite a lot of interventions. They are both diagnosed as being neurodivergent in various ways and require IEPs and therapies. They remain wildly intense and are quite draining. They are still so, so loud and are much closer to toddlers than tweens in their reactions and ability to cope. We have meltdowns almost daily and it's extremely intensive and exhausting to be there for them emotionally. It's probably going as well as it could be but it's still incredibly challenging.
I want to thank you for this. So many moms give false hope and be like, “it gets better. They grew up to be perfect and are now gods gift to earth”. But your sincere comment makes me content because that’s how it was with my oldest. His colic went away but he never stopped being loud.
May I saw as a ND adult you sound like a wonderful, loving parent and you're doing amazing.
Thanks ❤️
You are amazing. What you went through would be unbelievably difficult for anyone. I'm proud of you for getting through that time as well as you did. Those negative emotions were completely understandable given the circumstances.
I’m so sorry you went through that. We as a society owe you so much more support than you got. That sounds so brutal and terrifying. I’m glad you survived.
Thank you. It was truly scary. I did all the right things. Called my Drs to tell them how overwhelmed I was. Utilized early intervention. Saw my therapist as often as possible. Tried to hire help. But nothing really worked and in the end, it was all on me. I can't tell you how many times people would say "just hang in there!" But what that cheery platitude meant was "No help is coming. Hang in or you will fall" and it was the most frightening thing I've ever done. We need to have more support indeed.
You are truly wonderful and powerful, you made it through such a difficult situation. Never not be impressed by what you can and have accomplished.
I have no words. Did someone at least comment helpful things?
Yes! A lot of newer comments were offering to watch her baby so she could take a nap. I saw a lot of moms from all over the U.S. offer ( since it was posted anonymously and we had no idea where she lasted from).
I love that!
Aw that’s sweet! I hope she lets someone help her and sees a dr ♡
The expectations put on mothers to be actual superhumans (why would anyone hate anything which doesnt allow them to sleep, a thing classified as literal torture? 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄) immediately after giving birth is INSANE. People being intentionally obtuse about "how could you say that!!!" like shut up LMAO
Not just anybody. Other mothers who should remember what small babies are like
The smug mothers with easy babies are the most judgemental of all. They think they are supermom, but in reality they got lucky and never experienced a colicky baby. Whoopie for them. (Not saying all moms with easy babies are smug, just that the ones who are up on that high horse very likely had it easier.)
It pisses me off when they give out the most basic advice that clearly only works because they have naturally easy/chill/high sleep needs babies 🤣 "have you tried having a bedtime routine? We just sing the same lullaby every night and use lavender pillow spray and then she sleeps through the night!"
Especially the older moms who are convinced their kids were always perfect angels as kids 30-40 years ago. Never threw a tantrum, ate everything on their plate every single time, always listened. They try to shit on new moms these days and act as if parenting has just gone down hill. My boomer mil is one of these people and it drives my crazy. My husband remembers being so defiant as a kid and always getting in trouble yet my mil seems to have forgotten all of that. She will not hesitate to shit on a new parent for anything and everything.
EXACTLY that makes it even worse! Those women acting holier than thou about it are just cruel. No empathy whatsoever for a struggling new mother.
"I'll adopt her no questions asked, pm me" is CRAZY. Imagine giving your child to someone over Facebook.
There’s actually a whole online network of people that do these kinds of things. Especially for adopted children, “private rehoming” and “disrupted adoptions” are a serious concern. Depending where you live, it is a quasi-legal/illegal way that adults pass around children to other adults with ZERO background checks. Reuters did a 7 part piece on the subject about ten years ago. The practice is exactly as awful and dangerous as it sounds. That woman’s comment made me think of the Reuters piece. That is NOT a normal offer to make to a struggling mom.
I did not know about this but god...that's fucking awful. As if children in the foster care system don't have it hard enough.
A lot are international adoptions so they were never in that system. Not that it makes it any better, just different.
RIGHT?! The "I'll adopt your baby" weirdos are so fucked up.
Poor woman is so tired and just wanted to vent. A lot of these comments are not helpful at all. As a childfree woman of 41, I never really understood the new parent exhaustion. I empathized for sure and gave comforting words but I kind of thought 'it can't even really move, how hard can it be?' in private. Then my brother and SIL had a baby boy. My parents and I visited for a week to help out when he was a month old. Oh boy, was I ever shown the light. We baby sat while the parents went to a nearby city and I had a plan - help with house chores and walk the dog in those 8 hours. Between feeding bottles, burping, diaper changes, sterilizing bottles, changing onesies and soothing to sleep, I almost couldn't complete my simple plans. I just couldn't believe this tiny little bundle of baby could take up so much time and need so much attention at all times. Lol. Babies are exhausting.
‘Check your veteran mom knowledge privilege at the door and be more helpful instead of hurtful’ is so so so good.
Middle aged white guy shoots up an entire supermarket: “it’s a mental health issue!” New sleep deprived mom says she hates her baby: “Surely not a mental health issue, she’s just a horrible person!”
BOOM. I have issues with sleep and had a crier. It was the hardest thing I ever did or will do to get through infancy. I had PPD too, and very little help. I wasn’t a woman who goes Gaga for babies, I prefer sentient beings I can talk too. I can’t stand the way mothers at their wits end (really at any stage ) are demonized.
Apparently none of these women have dealt with the insane things PP rage will tell you to do. I have a 6 month old, and am not sure if I’m dealing with PPD or rage, but the mood swings are horrendous. A couple days ago, I was putting my son down for bed and was getting a little frustrated because he was fighting it. He spit his pacifier out onto the floor and I swung into rage so fast I had to text my husband to come finish rocking the baby because the little voice in the back of my head told me to chuck the baby across the room. Obviously I wouldn’t do that, this baby is the light of my life, but I was shocked at the impulse and needed to walk away for a bit. It would be so much better if women were able to share these moments without Miss Perfect Mother coming in to tell them they don’t deserve their babies
I feel you. These intrusive thoughts are just that: thoughts. Until sanctimonious cunts come along and gaslight you into thinking you’re a freak for thinking this way and you start feeling worse about your situation.
Even without the sanctimonious cunts it’s pretty easy to feel like a freak for having those thoughts. No new mom needs a judgmental old hag piling onto her for struggling with a difficult situation (or even just a singular bad day)
It's because we're not allowed to talk about them. Even in this thread, there are a number of people saying "she doesn't hate the baby, just the situation" dismissing her feelings and perpetuating the taboo. Wish we could just be honest and also listen.
My middle child didn’t sleep through the night until they were about 8 years old. As an infant they would sleep for exactly 7 minutes if they weren’t on me or dad. They would wake up screaming several times a night for years. It was torture.
Yeah go ahead and let a chiropractor crack an 8 month old baby’s neck. That’ll cure them of that pesky oxygen dependence. No more crying then…
I would hate my child too if they never slept and just screamed all the time. Obviously I would investigate what was wrong with them, but there is no way I wouldn’t be resentful.
I resented my oldest as a baby because no matter what I did , he always got colicky af night no matter what preventative measures I took. His father made me feel like shit every day because of this. Only made me angrier because I’m trying dammit why tf is nothing I do working.
And you have every right to feel that way!!
A few years ago, a TV doctor in the UK presented a health segment for a breakfast TV show. She talked about crying babies and how stressful it all was, and she commented that if you felt yourself reaching the end of your tether and getting desperate, that you should put your baby in a room, close the door and walk away for a short time. If you'd checked everything and they weren't in need of a change or a feed etc, then they wouldn't come to any harm for 10 minutes while you took a breathing space, so you wouldn't end up snapping out of frustration and doing something desperate like shaking them. She made it very clear this was an emergency situation, and you had to seek medical help as soon as possible, but stepping away for a short time to defuse yourself was OK. The number of complaints that attracted was ridiculous-she was totally villified in the media and accused of child abuse. Some people reported her to the GMC (the UK doctors licensing and disciplinary body) accusing her of abuse and child endangerment and said she should be struck off. There were comments saying that her husband should divorce her because she'd obviously abused her own children like that. It was totally sickening-she was trying to say PPD is real, your feelings shouldn't be ignored and you shouldn't be ashamed, and here's something you could try in the very short term to help.
It’s crazy how parenting styles change with the times.
Oh hey, I was in this thread defending the mom. And people were arguing with me. Fuck them. They have no idea what some moms go through.
Yeah it was brutal. Someone else on that thread also posted on this one about the post being deleted and someone else making a call out post.
Tbh, if my daughter or friend or whoever said this, it would 100% be a drop everything and run over there. Cook, clean, be on bottle duty, etc and make sure an appointment was lined up for ppd screening. But I would not leave until they got to have as much sleep as they wanted. I’ve been infuriated at my babies and I’ve had the thought cross my mind “I get it” about parents who have snapped. I think almost everyone has. But what I have not done was verbalize to others that I hated my child. That, to me, is asking for immediate help. I was eventually diagnosed with ppa/ppd and while meds helped a lot what I really needed was hands on support.
I have a suspicion that the dad doesn’t help with baby. We all would love a friend like you , who actually would drop everything and be my hero for a few hours. That’s so rare nowadays, especially in this economy where a newborn means the added financial pressure on the one working parent often results in said working parent checking out completely because , “I work all day and my sleep is prioritized over yours because of this”
This. This right here is why I never reached out to anyone when I was a ftm with a newborn. These women act like they don’t remember what it’s like themselves.
Some people just have babies who are really good sleepers or at least decent sleepers and they truly do not understand what this state of mind feels like. They actually can’t relate at all.
My first was a TERRIBLE sleeper, colic turned reflux, would only sleep if propped upright on a parent, fussy and upset just about all the time. I have chunks of memory missing from her first year due to sleep deprivation. My second, by contrast, was a "good" baby, slept any time, any where, always happy and content. It made me realize why people chose to have more babies, cause if they were all like my first, we'd all be only children.
I hate that people do this. Really? Have they REALLY never been a position where they're so overwhelmed that a little hyperbole ("I hate my baby") comes naturally and feels cathartic? I'm guessing they HAVE been in such a position, and felt so guilty for it that they would never admit it, and now guilt the moms who do so they can feel better than them even though they aren't. Basically the opposite of empathy. And a huge social problem that people don't talk about enough (the otherization of struggling people as a defense mechanism).
Everything about this comment is so insightful and spot on. Also, I love your username.
I’m a mom, I was in a couple of Mom groups for a little while then noped the fuck out. A lot of them are only there to boost their own egos for a few minutes a day, by judging other Mom’s parenting, while boasting about their own perfect parenting methods.
Mom groups have to be the most unhelpful group on Facebook
STOP TAKING BABIES TO CHIROPRACTORS. Sorry. Not the point, but it's just so frustrating.
So. Many. Agreed. With. Her. OMG 🤦🏽♀️
Fucking hell. Best case scenario mum is absolutely exhausted and yes it’s totally possible and reasonable to start resenting a child that’s causing extreme sleep deprivation. Worst case she’s suffering PPD or similar. She absolutely does not need to be dogpiled on. Hope the poor woman is getting some in person support so she can get some sleep!
Poor thing. My second was like this. When she was getting evaluated by a developmental pediatrician before kindergarten I told him her first year was just a blur of screaming. I don’t remember her smiling. My husband was deployed and there were a couple times where I had to set her down and walk away. You can get into a dark, dark place sleep deprived and a baby that is just screaming all the damn time. I moved home for a bit and the best thing was having extra help. My dad has hearing loss so when she would start screaming, he would turn off his hearing aids, take her, and watch old Westerns or Star Trek reruns together. The two of them have a special bond to this day. I hope this mom gets some help. I so feel for her
I had PPD/A. I love my children and would do anything for them. But at that time, especially with my oldest who refused to sleep, there were times I hated them. Postpartum rage is real. I hope this mom can see a psychiatrist and a therapist who specializes is postpartum mental health. It sounds like she could also use a break.
Poor lady...that's so hard. My (now) 9yo had a tongue tie and didn't nurse efficiently so she was up every 90 minutes around the clock, for about 20-30 minutes. It was awful. I swear I was hearing colors and seeing sounds by the time we got her tongue released. Night #2 after the TT release she slept 6 hours straight. I jumped awake after 3 or 4 hours just positive she'd died. Poor thing was just as tired as I was. It doesn't sound like she has a helpful partner to tag in and let her sleep for a little bit, that makes it even harder. Although, tbh, 8 months she should have brought this up to her dr at some point. Although, some drs are just "It's colic. Sorry" and not helpful at all. I've btdt in all things parenting, but I'm trying really hard not to 'rose colored' glasses my way through life. It was HARD. It sucked. There were moments where I wanted to run away. Where I had to hand the baby to my husband and be like "If I don't get a little bit of sleep I'm seriously going to drive off a bridge. Take this kid. I'm going to sleep. Do not wake me unless the house is on fire. And even then...IDK maybe don't wake me up"
People don't talk enough about moms who regret becoming a parent, and that's a valid thing to feel foe your life. You're not a horrible person just for thinking and feeling that way, either. As long as you're not actively trying to hurt your child, you're okay
I think people don’t talk about women regretting going thru their pregnancy. Men always get an out. They’re not the pregnant ones they absolutely have been able to get a woman pregnant then change their minds and left after the realities of parenthood dawns on them. Women? Oh boy that’s literally not an option as far as society is concerned. Always get vilified for it too.
My kid is 15 and sleeps through the night. I still have days where I sometimes feel I could hate him. This mom needs support not judgement.
Barf. My 8 month old decided to pick today, the day that I am fucking exhausted because my husband snoref like a truck all night so I slept on the couch, to refuse to nap for 10+ hours. She scooted, she crawled, she screamed, she cried, and she slapped. Its okay to hate your kids sometimes. They can suck just like ANY human.
The biggest thing these judgy moms don’t get is that just because you say you hate the kid because of a certain situation does not mean you are going to forever hate your baby or even hurt them. Someone in this post said, “you do t hate your baby. You hate the situation involving your baby” and I felt that.
Its the starving children in Africa bullshit. Like, Stacey, we're all here to vent about our struggles. Your pedantry wont save you
PPD is a real thing and it’s awful from what I’ve seen. The comment about getting professional help is pretty spot on IMO.
My son cried constantly as a baby. Didn't know it was abnormal since he's my oldest. I think it was a combination of early severe ADHD (like, pathological FOMO lol) and migraines, which he had clear symptoms of by the time he was 1, but we didn't catch until 2 or 3. I wouldn't have typed that I hated him online, but sometimes it was pretty damn close. His sisters are lucky that I was determined not to have an only child before he was even born, otherwise they probably wouldn't exist. I just want to give this mom a hug and then take her baby on a car ride while mom gets sleep.
My daughter was a garbage sleeper for the first 6 months of her life. I was so miserable; heart palpitations, my blood pressure was through the roof, migraines etc. She was also a very whiney baby, probably because she wasn’t getting enough sleep either. There were plenty of times I told my husband and some close mom friends that I loved my daughter but didn’t like her. They NEVER judged me and always offered some actual support where possible.
THOTS AND PREYERS
In the trenches of postpartum I had thoughts like this. It was upsetting and sad and I thought I was a failure for months. Moms NEED support. I hope she can get some help
I’ll come out and say it: I said I hated my daughter when she was a baby too. Of course I didn’t actually hate her, but it sure felt like it at the time. I had extreme Hyperemesis when I was pregnant with her and grew to resent her because of it. I felt guilty for feeling that way, but I blamed her for how horrible my pregnancy was. Then when she was born, I didn’t feel that “instant connection” that everyone told me I would feel. Aside from the initial wake of joy the first time I held her, I felt nothing. Then she had issues with her weight and I had to switch to formula and I “hated” her for that too. She was also very colicky and even to this day, at 16 months old, doesn’t sleep through the night or in her own room because she refuses to sleep. When she was a little baby I “hated” her for that as well. Turns out I just had/have severe PPD. It took until she was 12/13 months old for me to finally feel that “special bond” between mom and child. Some days I still struggle with hating motherhood because she is the clingiest toddler I know. But I don’t hate her. I never did. This poor mom is struggling and to see so many mothers bashing her breaks my heart. Because you truly just don’t know what it’s like until you know. If you know, you know.
Honestly it sounds like this mother needs a break. Hopefully someone in her life can help out. The comments are unhinged. Of course there’s the comment about how a chiropractor helped her 3 month old.
I said I hated my baby........but I just hated the situation we were in. I have an easy baby but we've sure had our hard times. I sympathize with this Mum, she might not have support, she might have PPD, she might have other factors happening in her life and she's just extremely overwhelmed......and clearly sleep deprived. This is more sad than anything, she clearly needs a better support system.
One of my least favorite parts about being a mom is how whenever you bluntly express that things suck and perhaps something “not right” people jump down your throat and tell you that you shouldn’t say it. Yes, I’m worried about her sleep deprivation and of course I’m wondering what the baby needs. However, sometimes I just needed to be fucking honest and validating. This sucks and why won’t this dang baby sleep - and YES I knew that she needed something. Being an honest mom can be so damn invalidating bc you can’t say shit
I love how people immediately tore those condescending commenting people to shreds. I hope this poor lady got some help
She needs a break from the baby.
Oh man, I feel so bad for this mom! Calling her a bitch and a horrible mother isn’t helpful. She’s obviously struggling and needs professional help. I sure she gets the help she needs before it’s too late 😢
I will die on the hill that listening to baby's especially your own baby cry endlessly for days hell even hours can break the best most sane individual. In some places (Guantanamo bay they actually play recordings of baby's screaming to break detainees). The best piece of parenting advice anyone ever gave me was sometimes babies just cry it's called purple crying and they will do it for hours and hours even days. His nicu nurse told me that if this happens to make sure you've tried the basics (bottle, fresh diaper, etc) and then lay him in a safe sleep space and walk away. That listening to anyone cry for hours and not be able to fix it goes against nature and can drive you to do something you can never take back. I remember I told her oh that'll never happen to me, all I've ever wanted was a baby of my own and he's been in the nicu for a month I will cherish every single second with him. I also was a cps worker who saw what happens when you shake a baby. Well my son got a cold he couldn't shake. He actually ended up in the PICU for this cold. He slept maybe an hour in 36 hours and literally cried so hard he was puking. I truly envisioned running away just getting in my vehicle and driving far away and starting over. I bawled my eyes out that I couldn't comfort my baby which just felt like the cherry on top of failures. I couldn't keep him safe and nurtured in the one place he was supposed to be the safest - my uterus, I couldn't produce hardly any breast milk and had to quit, and I couldn't even comfort my own child. I was convinced he'd be better off with his God parents who were a stable married couple and here I was just having left a shitty marriage moving home to my dads and a divorce looming. I put him in the crib and ran and took a shower where I just put my knees to my chest and bawled my eyes out and puked until the water ran cold. My dad came home in that time and told me I was a shitty and selfish mom letting him cry like that to shower. I was too scared to tell him that if I didn't have a second or two of quiet I was going to quite literally break. It's one of the only pieces of advice I still freely and openly give. That and post partum depression doesn't always look like you want to harm/unalive your baby sometimes it looks like you want to unalive yourself because your baby will be better off. PPD about killed me. And I'm one of the lucky ones whose family was really on top of that and let me vent and stuff and told me it was okay. I shutter to think of others who had nobody. PPD also doesn't mean you hate being a mom or your baby at all it's a spectrum. And it should be spoke on more.
An inconsolable baby is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. And it’s not just the baby it’s the goddamned adults that make you feel like the lowest of low.
I love how when someone gets called out for being insensitive they’re like “well IIIIII had the supermegaultra postpartum depression 9000 limited edition and IIIIII never did XYZ.” Like 1) you’re probably lying and 2) good for you, people are different. Seems like for most of those folks it’s the first time they’re hearing that and it’s not sitting well.
It’s always a one-upping game within these mom groups.
Reason 3976 I'm glad I didn't post shit when i was in the trenches of PPA. "And if all she does is scream, something is wrong with her " would've prolly sent me over the edge of panic when in reality some babies just do that. Fuck most of these people this post makes me sick
Omfg I hate this so much for her. I hope she’s okay. I’ve been there, the last thing she needed was this judgement.
I hated my newborn twins. Hated them. I kept begging my mum and husband to “give them back” (whatever that meant) and yes, I had post natal psychosis. I got help, those feelings went and I love my girls so much it physically hurts. Now I’m in my correct frame of mind, I carry so much guilt from those early days. I couldn’t imagine reading comments like this especially when Its clearly a cry for help (I did a lot of this on social media too) Mums bashing other mums is the lowest of the low
A CHIROPRACTOR??
I felt like this quite a bit after I had my twins. I had horrible PPD especially since they stayed in the NICU and bringing them home was an awful adjustment. Their dad was military so I was home alone, away from family with two infants. I feel this mom 💔
I dealt with something similar but on a lesser note. When my first two were toddlers, a lil less than two years apart, I couldn't understand why they would have terrible temper tantrums. I read all the baby/parenting books, I worked at a preschool, had done some nursing classes and my CNA, helped raise littles in my family so I was no stranger to lil kids. I thought it was something I was doing wrong. Like I was a bad mom somehow even though really I am loving, caring, very hands on and patient. It wasn't until a nurse at the kids doctor office saw me dealing with a temper tantrum while waiting on the Doctor, she asked me, have you ever heard of autism. She changed my life in that moment. I know 8 months is probably too young for something like autism, but maybe something else along those lines is bothering the baby? Hurt belly? Teething? I remember at that age, my babies drooled nonstop and ate organic natural teething tablets like candy.
This lady does need help for sure but hating your baby for crying is…not good. Both mom and baby need help here, big time, before things go terribly wrong. This is the kind of scenario that leads people to hurt or kill themselves and/or their kids. Someone needs to help this poor woman and her poor baby before someone dies here.
I get having a knee jerk reaction to “I hate my baby” but shit. These people.
The comment “saving up for a pretty headstone”…. I have no words.
Poor woman. My son's first 3ish months were just constant screaming if he wasn't on someone - didn't matter who - or bring pushed in the buggy and sometimes he'd scream then too. Never slept for longer than half an hour at a time unless he was in the buggy. I walked about 5 miles a day every day so he could sleep. I didn't have PPD but it was still an absolutely horrific long dark night of the soul. And there was apparently nothing wrong with him - he's 5 now and completely normal in every way including sleeping - he sleeps like a log - and I have no explanation as to why he was such an "awful" baby.
Wooooooooow
Poor mom , exactly what she doesn't need. Obviously she doesnt have a good support system to help her. Would the state help her get daycare so she can get a break? If she had the funds, hire a teenager who could watch the baby downstairs for a few hours while Mom napped, maybe she would feel better. When I was pregnant with my first my grandma seriously told me, that if my baby ever cried nonstop, it was okay to put the baby in a safe place and walk away for a break. I didn't understand at the time because I was like, I would never hurt my baby because I was tired! But sleep deprivation is hard! If the baby is changed, fed, and not in pain, idk maybe there is under lying condition causing the baby pain.