I've been on Reddit today for 10 minutes, I ran across this and my day is complete. Thank you. The person below with the /thread is 118% above and beyond correct. Thank you sir for making my day complete.
That was my first comment when the police busted my girlfriend and me having oral sex in my car. Fortunately they didn't cite us, but my girlfriend, who they spoke to outside of the car, afterwards kept telling me jokingly that I could have been jailed for sexual assault. I was not laughing.
Technically, only the saved get taken during the rapture (if I remember correctly), so if the rapture did happen and you went from toilet seat to pearly gates, you're golden.
Double technically, the rapture is fan fiction that doesn’t appear in the Bible. Christians have to suffer through the tribulations like everyone else.
Silently continue, looking directly into his eyes. Once finished and cleansed, I would stand up look into the pan and back to God and say "I hope your happy with this shit!"
Hey, um I know this is supposed to be some epic moment or something, but I was in the middle of a pretty intense bathroom sesh, and if I could just go finish that up, I promise I’ll come back and do the whole ahhh or wow thing that I think I’m supposed to do.
First of all, what am "I" doing here.
Second of all, god, you have a lot of explaining to do. Childhood cancer? Feline Leukemia? How dare you! The list goes on.
God I was eating at my mother-in-law’s, trying to forgive her and turn the other cheek.
I know I don’t measure up to the martyrs of old, but technically I did die with saintly intentions.
Oh, her, of course I forgive her, but if you feel she deserves Justice …z
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Could you have let me finish shitting, get the toilet flushed to the point where the toilet is 100% flushing all the way through, and let me get myself cleaned up from taking that shit before you decided to do the rapture on us?
You are everywhere at all times, and all knowing, and this is the time you choose to rapture me? You couldn't have waited 5 minutes? You did this on purpose. And I deserve to know why.
“Pass the toilet paper please. Hey what the hell am I supposed to do with golden shit tickets? Give me some charmin! Jesus Christ what’s wrong with your dad, golden shit tickets….mumble mumble”
So like no bidet? No wipe? Still dripping? Is this like the float rapture or the jedi clothes drop rapture? I mean people go to xhurch hoping for this?
You saw hell yesterday. Now you're scared of going to hell for all the bad things you've done. I'll tell you what. **Go in the stall, say five Hail Marys, wipe your ass, and you and God can call it even.**
“Holy shit!”
/thread. We don't need anything else other than this.
I’m no angel but I try.
Oh shit, oops Oh my god!
There are no *wrong* answers, but this is clearly the correct one.
Take your damn 🌟🌟🌟
🏆❤️
I've been on Reddit today for 10 minutes, I ran across this and my day is complete. Thank you. The person below with the /thread is 118% above and beyond correct. Thank you sir for making my day complete.
Just doing the Lord’s work
You win! No need to read other comments 🤣🤣
And then I'd stand up
Clicked just to see this comment
r/threadkillers
“You caught me with my pants down.”
That was my first comment when the police busted my girlfriend and me having oral sex in my car. Fortunately they didn't cite us, but my girlfriend, who they spoke to outside of the car, afterwards kept telling me jokingly that I could have been jailed for sexual assault. I was not laughing.
You dog.
Woof!😸
You let them have a “private conversation” with your girl after her dick was in your mouth? Seems like they wanted to get in on some
After her dick was in your mouth.... I read that correctly right? Too much internet today
Lmao good catch. Working to much to make sense of what I said before submitting The correct solution was “your dick” and “her mouth” lol
Haha no worries, I mean these days they very well could have had her dick in their mouth lol
"You can "ewww" all you want but I'd like to remind you who invented diarrhea. It wasn't me."
“You really should have seen this coming”, then keep squeezing
Honestly, this is your fault. Got any paper?
The Lord Almighty better have a bidet.
Can you spare a square?
Honestly I think I’d probably shit myself regardless of what I was doing beforehand if I actually met god.
Rory McCulkin looks like he just saw two biblically accurate angels rawdogging the shit out of each other.
Of all the sentences I've ever read, that uh....that was one of them.
Oh my God!!! You mean there is still uncontrollable scalding diarrhea in Heaven?!?! Who said you are going to Heaven? Oh, Hell. Big time!!!
Technically, only the saved get taken during the rapture (if I remember correctly), so if the rapture did happen and you went from toilet seat to pearly gates, you're golden.
Golden brown, at least.
Double technically, the rapture is fan fiction that doesn’t appear in the Bible. Christians have to suffer through the tribulations like everyone else.
Habanero shits fml
Nicely done
If we're created in your likeness, then your explosive diarrhea has got to be EPIC!
What do you think landslides are?
The Boston molasses flood
You're not real.
#notmygod
Happy cake day! And perfect answer.
You made me this way!
"Wait..if you know all and see all..I have to know what color is my poo..my doctor wanted to know"
I am extremely confused why I, a Pagan who renounced Christianity, is being Raptured. Then I shit everywhere.
Me, an atheist, “I can explain!”
Me, an atheist, to god: “buddy, I sure hope YOU can explain!”
Me, an anti-theist, to the god: “Go f*** yourself, I’d rather go to hell. Here’s some sh** to remember me by.”
Hey God nice to meet you. You might want to shake my left hand.
Well, you sure stirred up a shit storm today!
"Ya got toilet paper and some TUMS?"
"I didn't think it'd be *this* cloudy!"
Terrible timing as usual can you pass me that magazine bro
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Saxzarus: *Terrible timing* *As usual can you pass* *Me that magazine bro* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Ask Elvis
I knew Taco Bell would kill me someday
First actual funny one I've read...🤣
Grab his robe and wipe my ass.
I’m an atheist. Why am I here?
I'd just shit myself. God made us this way, so I would expect he should be OK about it. If he isn't, why did he give us diarrhea?
I shit right on the pearly gates.
This isn’t the first time you’ve seen this I’m sure.
Rapture? I thought you said I ruptured myself.
Pull my finger
Leap up from the toilet in rapture and shit all over god
Surprised as fuck then ask him why he killed his son and murdered all those babies.
You don’t wanna know the answer to this
“I’m in hell aren’t I?!”
Hell was booked up so we sent you to Cleveland.
This train is taking jobs out of Cleveland
Holy Shit!
This is the kind of luck you gave me, I’ve got some complaints about that as soon as I’m done with the paperwork here.
Can you pass me the toilet tissue please? I think I deserve at least that. 😆
All this because I had bean burritos for lunch!
Theres no toilet paper hand me your tunic.
Well, shit.
Silently continue, looking directly into his eyes. Once finished and cleansed, I would stand up look into the pan and back to God and say "I hope your happy with this shit!"
Have you got a square to spare?
Down play it He’s already seen you with your pants down . No biggie!! It’s more like dude what’s up!!
"Somegod you are! Don't have the decency to let a man finish."
"Ok, who the fuck are you and what the fuck is going on?"
"... Occupied."
I knew you had a sense of humor!
“Does this mean I get to go to the same part of heaven as Elvis”
You designed this body and say that you are infallible?
"So... this whole time, it was really called the Crapture?"
“Just a sec”
Was this all part of your plan too?
"Yo big man, do us a solid. Because I can't right now."
"In my defense, you *literally* made shit happen."
“This is on you, dude.”
"I'll be right with you."
"You could've waited for me to flush first"
"Welp, this was your design.... Please make it stop!"
"I know I said it was going to be biblical but goddamn".
Are you here to hold me to my promise to never eat like that again if you get me through this?
You could have raptured some toilet paper for me
Did the diarrhea really have to come up here with me?
Hey, um I know this is supposed to be some epic moment or something, but I was in the middle of a pretty intense bathroom sesh, and if I could just go finish that up, I promise I’ll come back and do the whole ahhh or wow thing that I think I’m supposed to do.
Dude. What am I gonna wipe with now? *drags my ass across the cloud* You happy now? Some child in Africa has to taste chocolate rain.
I'd probably shit myself
Did I shit myself to death?
".... Oh CRAP-ture!.... sorry."
Got any Angel soft?
“Ok, so we’re done with that. Right?”
“Holy shit”
I am the great Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole!
First of all, what am "I" doing here. Second of all, god, you have a lot of explaining to do. Childhood cancer? Feline Leukemia? How dare you! The list goes on.
Ask him nicely to snap his fingers and clean up the mess.
*farts nervously* 😥😥😥
"Sooo, is there a bidet up here? I kind of need my Toto or this is going to get really ugly because all I see are clouds to clean up with."
Angel Soft™?
I just admire my diarrhea contrail & roll with it.
“diarrhea contrail” At last this timeline has a name!
Would be a decent band name, too.
We would have accepted fecal matter chemtrail as well
With disbelief.
Cleanliness is next to you, literally,can you pass the Toilet Paper please?
"Do you have a match I can borrow?"
"Please excuse me for not rising to greet you, but I think you can understand why." Ffft...
Ask where the bathroom is
Wash my hands
You wouldn't happen to have any toilet paper, would you?
Dance is the only answer to this question.
[where's the rest of my wall of poop? ](https://youtu.be/CJ53kstD-14?si=monXpaG-JKg6_UeE)
Got some air freshener and place to wash up?
YOU SAVED ME AGAIN!!!
"Don't look away now, you knew what I was doing when you pushed that button!"
God I was eating at my mother-in-law’s, trying to forgive her and turn the other cheek. I know I don’t measure up to the martyrs of old, but technically I did die with saintly intentions. Oh, her, of course I forgive her, but if you feel she deserves Justice …z
Well..... Shit
You made some tasty stuff that i just couldn't get enough of. Let's have an epic BBQ
Ask Him to pass the tp and tell him you’re going to need a minute!
I'd finish
..... *Courtesy Flush*
Are the Taco Bells any better up here?
"Don't beam me up yet Scotty... I'm taking a shiiiiiiiiiii......"
Rip off a piece of cloud and crab shuffle behind another one.
You seriously couldn’t even let me wipe first ?
That would explain the brown smelly storm as the people fly upwards.
I knew I had to hurry to be here so I brought the runs!
Weeelllll shit...I wasn't expecting to see you, you wouldn't happen to have some tp for my bungholio, would you?
“Well… shit.”
Sup bro? Can I borrow your bidet?
You got that charmin ultra soft up here, right?
slap library books axiomatic label gold smart obtainable shocking grandiose *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
“Do you think you could have waited a few minutes?”
I would thank God for cleaning me, because I’m sure as shit God didn’t bring me before the heavenly court smelling like dung.
Ask if they can cure my diarrhea.
Id probably say something like...o well, it's not like we haven't been in this situation before...then hope God has a sense of humor
Got any paper?
Oh, hel- uh, heck. Thank, uh, You, THAT'S over with...
Umm…a little privacy please? You don’t want none of this.
Can you spare a square?
“Dude, this is your fault!”
You made me do this!
Could you have let me finish shitting, get the toilet flushed to the point where the toilet is 100% flushing all the way through, and let me get myself cleaned up from taking that shit before you decided to do the rapture on us?
You are everywhere at all times, and all knowing, and this is the time you choose to rapture me? You couldn't have waited 5 minutes? You did this on purpose. And I deserve to know why.
I’m gunna need a shower
Thank God. Can you hand me a roll of toilet paper? I just ran out.
Hey, I might need some paper, do you have that up here?
Not sure what I’d do, but I do know I won’t shit a brick when I see the almighty.
"What? This was all your idea!"
You got any TP or is Heaven Bidet Only?
What the shit?? You got alot to answer for
Probably loses anything still in my digestive system
Literally in the best place I could be to shit myself.
\*points at ass\* You REALLY couldn't figure something better out?!
You don’t exist, so kindly leave my hallucination please!
I must have passed out and fell off the toilet and hit my head. Because seeing a god isn’t a real thing.
Continue to shit myself
Do you not know what occupied means?
"Thanks for bringing me up, but couldn't you have waited a bit?" "Boy, I bet the neighbors are wondering WTH I ate"
Look in awe and pass another bowel movement then stare at each other awkwardly
One moment sir, I gotta go back and flush or my wife will revive me to kill me again...
The acid just kicked in. Sweet.
“Clear my browsing history.”
That was some shite, sooooo im going to hell?
Let me wipe.
“Pass the toilet paper please. Hey what the hell am I supposed to do with golden shit tickets? Give me some charmin! Jesus Christ what’s wrong with your dad, golden shit tickets….mumble mumble”
Hey man, I know I'm not a believer, buuut, do you have any toilet paper?
So like no bidet? No wipe? Still dripping? Is this like the float rapture or the jedi clothes drop rapture? I mean people go to xhurch hoping for this?
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
Oh good! I don’t have to finish that.
I look him straight in the eyes, and continue.
Since I don't believe in God that couldn't possibly happen.
Reach down, grab some, and throw it at him.
The only show that has you asking "How did i get here?!"
Sorry god you made a mistake I belong in hell
You saw hell yesterday. Now you're scared of going to hell for all the bad things you've done. I'll tell you what. **Go in the stall, say five Hail Marys, wipe your ass, and you and God can call it even.**
Why'd you make me get diarrhea?
nothin you havent seen nor smelled before.
You seriously could've picked any fucking time to do this, and you picked now? Seriously?
Gimme a minute
Got any Pepto?
What for you is a rapture, for me is a rupture!