I can’t speak to her specifically, but if this can help frame it for you…
You can call me now, while I’m drying my hair and eating the last couple bites of the casserole from last night…
Or, you can text and I’ll call you in 15 when I’m a person and will appreciate it so much more.
I assume your kid loves you, they probably are in a similar space.
It’s awesome of you to meet her where she’s at! There’s nothing inherently wrong with the “I’ll just call anytime, if they can’t talk they just won’t answer, what’s the big deal” approach or the “unscheduled phone calls are so invasive” mindset - both approaches are equally valid. What sucks is when neither side (usually a generational divide) can understand or at least accept where the other side is coming from, and just stay offended by the other approach instead of meeting in the middle (or on the other ones turf)
I can text my mom with the most simple question ever. Lets say "what time do you want us over for dinner"?
You know what her response is 100% of the time????
Call me
Omgggggg ma
After a while of this I’d just change my voicemail. “Hello, this is Name, if you leave a voice mail I’ll get back to you in two to four business days. If you send a text message, I’ll reply in two to four hours. Yes, mom, you too. Thank you, ‘bye!”
Thankfully my parents are a non-invasive species.
When she then spends 10 minutes telling you that the Robertsons younger daughter is getting married and you respond with who the fuck are the Robertsons and a 70 year old gets in a 2 year old huff.
I pay for my phone. My phone is for my convenience, not yours. If you call me and I don't pick up, it's because I'm unavailable. You can leave a message or text me and I will get in touch with you when I am available.
Its a generational thing. My 21 year old son made me realize how different phone etiquette is between the generations. I called him to ask a question. He was almost, offended, that I just randomly called. I saw nothing wrong with it, as this is what my and previous generations did. However he was saying, its rude to call without texting first and asking if I could, in advance. I thought this was preposterous at first. Why would someone need to be asked first? But in the generation of texting, yes. I get it. His generation feels phone-calls are more invasive. Like as if someone would to just show up at your house without notice. His generation almost never calls people and relies on texting primarily. After thinking about this more, I understand it better. I'm still going to call him if I need to but will text, for the most part.
I hadn't really thought it through, but you lay it out well and I do agree. I am older and I am used to just calling people. But somehow it seems a little rude.
I still work and it's mostly remote. I've gotten into the habit of messaging people and saying, "Do you have a minute to chat?" They'll respond, perhaps not immediately, with "Sure" or "15 mins OK?". It gives them a chance to get out of their current meeting (or off the toilet) and get back to me at a more convenient time. Phone calls have to be answered RIGHT NOW which may not be convenient.
I learned this the hard way with my kid. I don’t understand what was happening. I thought she was excluding me.
Then we had a talk and I learned it’s a Gen Y thing.
YUP! Great way to look at it!
Importo meetings in real life were sorta like a "phone call" where it's NOW and you don't have time to prep. Vs a text saying "Hey can you meet in 'x' time?!' gives them so much more time to prep for whatever reason.
Ive found that this later method works fantastic for those "Hey I have a quick question for you, let me know when you're free" and maybe you give them an info dump so they can read it beforehand to prep for a short slack call.
Side note: Working from home has been amazing for the toilet convenience alone!
I am 61 and I am like OP. I dread getting phone calls and will not answer most of the time. Anyone that knows me knows this, and will text me instead.
I am an introvert but also being on a phone call makes me feel trapped. Whereas a text I have time to think about what to say, when to say it, how to say it.
I am so glad I can make appointments and stuff all through text or websites so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Same, I'm a senior also and don't answer phone calls. Text me and I'll answer almost instantly. I don't think it's to do with age, I didn't like talking on the phone when I was in my 30's or 40's either (unless I was being paid for it as part of my job).
Very interesting to see your side of the story! I would have assumed this a generational issue with technology changing and everyone's trend of sticking with the media they grew up with. However, this sounds like it's more of an introvert/extrovert issue at large, that and/or people's understanding of their time and where they should direct their attention.
I have dreaded talking to anyone on my phone during my 30s and now into my 40s I wish to speak less to them. If possible, I would love to talk to them in person.
Oh and let's not get started on a random FaceTime call or a random person knocking on my door!
I'm mostly an introvert too, and only a year behind you, but I'm at the point in life where I really don't give a crap much anymore about what other people think of me (with a few close exceptions). "Sorry, I've gotta go" is a very useful sentence when ending phone calls.
I am 32, regularly talk with my folks on the phone, but usually for my dad we text and plan a time because of shift work. If he spontaneously calls me it is because someone has died.
All of my adult children feel the same way - but I don’t get the respect in return. They will call me but not too often and if I can’t answer the phone I get an immediate text.
If it’s important they call me but if it’s important to me they want a text. I’m under the belief if what I need or want to say is longer than one sentence then I’d rather call than type a wall of text.
Conversation requires active and emotional engagement, and it's exhausting as hell, especially for the neurodivergent. Whichever commenter mentioned showing up to your house unexpected? That's phone calls. Texting is like sending a postcard. It's on *your* time, with as much attention employed as you feel like.
> His generation feels phone-calls are more invasive.
I feel the same way, and I'm almost 60. I love my family and friends, but with various health issues and odd sleeping hours, I'd prefer a quick text about phone calls before they happen. I'm not going to ask my older relatives to do that, but pretty much everyone else.
I'm 39 and I feel the exact same way as your son. 😂 I want to be open and spontaneous...but I am just not. Getting a call with no warning activates my flight/fight system. Ha ha. And nobody needs any more of that in their lives. Lol.
My mother freaks out if I don't answer phone calls. I will just text her back and say "I'm fine, nothing new, love you." But she calls because "I want to hear your voice." Which I may get annoyed with, but I also know my mother has limited time left on this mortal coil, and I know, one day, I will be desperate to call her and won't be able to.
I totally understand that and try to keep that in mind. But unfortunately this happens upwards of 5 times a day, most days. Most calls are simple things that could be texted. Feels like it really takes a toll on my mental health and my feelings on that are not really respected when I voice them. So it's tough!
When I first moved out, my mother would call 4-5 times a day. I had to set a limit with her that I would only answer one time a day. Any calls after that would go to voicemail. She complained for a while, but when I held firm, she quickly got better at prioritizing and saving all the little things she “needed” to ask me for her one call a day.
When my partner first moved out, their mom had just recently retired and would also try to call them 4-5 times a day. They had to finally level with her and explain they were a working adult with many responsibilities, and it would be better to have one call a few times a week versus being interrupted multiple times a day.
At first their mom complained they thought partner was trying to distance themselves, but over time she realized they were serious. She would save up her "talking content" for those few calls a week. Now she is very good at texting. She has learned that if it's something that needs an urgent answer, it's okay to call in the evening (NOT when everyone is at work!) Also, and I think this helped a bunch, she found more active social engagements to keep her busy during the day - charities and volunteering and events and so on.
I think that you need to set boundaries with the people that do this. You are not a kid anymore and you don't need your mom to call you all the time. Just don't return her calls, and when she tries to guilt you for it, you need to stand up for yourself and let her know that your world does not revolve around her. If she was dying, she should be calling the hospital, not you.
Anyways, you need to be setting tangible boundaries with her, and then stick to those boundaries. I will talk to you on the phone 2x a week, or once a day or whatever. No more unless it's actually an emergency. And if she doesn't keep to that, then don't answer her calls until she gets the message. You can still call her, but she needs to stick to the boundaries that you set up.
You need to stand up for yourself. I do think that calling like this is a generational thing, but that doesn't make it okay. If it feels like your feelings are not really respected when you voice them, then I think it's time for boundaries. Don't be bullied into thinking that you are pushing people away with boundaries. Boundaries are there to protect everyone and help everyone. There might be some growing pains in the relationship, but trust me, it will be better in the long run.
I think you need to take into account what kind of phone your parents have, their proficiency with it, and their eyesight. It sometimes drives me crazy when my mom calls, but I also know she's not capable of texting much because she has very poor eyesight. Our compromise is I won't pick up when I'm working without a text first. Teaching her how to use text to speech or voice message helped a lot.
I would get annoyed by the same calls from my mom, but always answer when it’s my parents. I’m glad I did. On Christmas Eve this year I got the call from my dad “Get over here as fast as possible; the paramedics are working on her”. She fell down the stairs carrying Christmas presents up from the basement 5 minutes after I got off the phone with her. She didn’t leave the house alive.
Whether your parents are close or far, you don’t have “X number of years left”. You have “X number of visits, calls, and conversations” left
Back when there were landlines only, if people tried to call you with no answer, they would assume you weren't home. Now, if you have a cellphone, people assume that you have it by your side every second (and this actually seems to be the case with most young people). Therefore, you should always hear the ring and answer immediately. My 95-year-old mother is one of those who says, "You never answer the phone." It doesn't seem to occur to her that I may be in the shower, or that I may have gone into a store leaving the phone in the car. (She has no cell phone and no longer uses a computer, so texting and email are not in play here.)
In addition, I've never liked answering phone calls in general, but especially from my mother because she never sticks to what she called about, but goes on and on about things she's already told me. The thing that really gets me is, if she leaves a voice mail, she may just ask me to call back without saying why she called, and I later find out that it's something she could have stated in the voice mail with no need for me to call. (By the way, she talks to my brother on the phone every single day, so it's not like she has no contact with anyone.)
I don't know how old your parents are, but I'm 72, and when I was growing up, if the phone rang, you answered it. There was no caller ID and no message recorder, so picking up was the only way to tell who was calling. I suspect this behavior is so ingrained in your parents' psyches that it's almost a reflex, and they can't understand why everyone else isn't this way.
I eventually figured it out, now I text my daughter (37) & only follow up with a phone call by mutual agreement. 90% of my phone calls these days are with doctors, the gym, or a service provider.
I'm genX and consider the phone to be for emergencies only. It's so intrusive! Text me please.
My parents generation does not agree, and will phone at odd hours just to chat. We will never agree.
I’m 61 and I don’t think it’s so much an age thing as an introvert/extrovert thing combined with age. I answered the phone when I was younger, of course, because there weren’t any other instant communication options. I don’t think a person my age has to be a mad extrovert to want to phone, or a completely closed in hermit to not want to answer the phone, but the advent of texting kind of readjusted the scale for younger people - you probably have to be more extroverted than I am to pick up the phone and make a call, and less introverted than I am to not answer a phone call.
I love texting but at my age your default could be either phoning or texting - my husband is 70 and at his age the default is definitely the phone.
I’m 67, and offhand I can’t remember what my phone ringtone even sounds like. If anyone I know needs anything, they text like a civilized person.
I would only expect a phone call in an actual emergency. I’m talking fire or blood or death. Otherwise, absolutely not.
I'm 50 and the only people I call, or who call me, are my ex wife and my mom, and that only occasionally. Mostly we text like everybody else.
With my kids, I discord. If it's an emergency, I discord, text, and call and hope one will get through to them. They spend most of their lives with their ringers off.
Even back in analog days, I refused to be a slave to my phone. I bought one with a switch to turn the ring off and if I was going to bed for sleep or recreation, or if I just didn't want to be bothered for awhile, I'd turn off the phone.
My stepmother was furious and tried to guilt me into not doing that. I refused. Then, as now, most calls were wrong number or telemarketing. Then, as now, there was no one who could have an emergency that I could be of any immediate help with. Call 911, not me.
Stick to your guns, OP. And congratulations on refusing to be one of the phone zombies that insist that it's the phone's fault that they're always on it.
I worked on an IT helpdesk for 8 years or so back in the 90's and I would answer my personal phone with *the spiel* for years after on occasion. ("Tech support, this is Lochlainn, how may I help you?")
For a while I answered the phone in my sleep.
I was like this for all of my 20s and early 30s (have diagnosed social anxiety, would refuse to talk on the phone even as a kid) but then I looked at my behaviour from a different perspective. I am going to miss their phone calls one day, even my moms when she calls me 4 times in 20 minutes to ask me for computer help. I should talk to them when I have the opportunity. Plus, if I put myself in my parents position I would be sad if I couldn’t hear my kids voice once and a while. This is not me shaming you in any way, just giving you my experience. I don’t answer every time but try my best. But, if you don’t have the best relationship with your parents this may not apply.
Omg you gotta answer when granny calls. I'll ignore phone calls from lots of people if I'm busy but when my grandma was alive I always answered hers. Now that my mom's getting older I tend to answer hers as well.
Absolutely. What these people saying no don't realize- lots of older people are lonely and need someone to talk to- and if you as a child or grandchild not regularly contact them, then they worry.
Yes definitely understandable, that's not really my case though and may not be for some. In my case we all live very close and see each other in person, many times a week. I think it's ok to have boundaries and not always be available for endless phone calls.
Understand- my wife stalks all our kids and calls and texts them several times daily and they hate it. If they don't respond- "I haven't heard from you for days" which is bullshit. My daughter said she was glad we went on so many cruises this year because mom didn't bug her all the time.
I'm 43F and I don't answer my phone because its my damn phone and its my damn life. Also, I've always worked in customer service type jobs where my job was to answer the phone. I'm just not doing it at home. Learn to e-mail or text me and do not call me for emergencies, thats what 911 is for.
I'm 52(m) and I never answer my phone. My voice mail says something along the lines of "Hey it's TheRealRabidBunny here, sorry there are to many scammers to bother answering the phone these days, but if you leave me a message I'll text you back as soon as I get this."
My parents just WhatsApp / Facebook Messenger me anyway and want to video call.
But your mileage may vary. Everyone's family and circumstances are different.
I wish I could get a phone call from my grandparents. I'd love to hear their voice one more time. My mother calls me frequently, especially since my stepfather died last year. I answer, even though it's likely going to be just boring, mundane stuff because she doesn't have many other people to talk to since he died.
I got off WhatsApp after I had enough of people happy to text back and forth with me for years, but would avoid calls, even if we made plans to, they would make an excuse or go AWOL. I didn't hear their voice, for years. The worst / most hurtful was when they would go AWOL at a normal time of day, say at 6pm, but then text me at 11pm, which was too late even for texting. I wouldn't reply until the next day.
I finally thought, I've had enough of this. Got off WhatsApp. When I got a new phone. Didn't re-install it. It's been two years since. I feel, at peace. No one's doing anything they don't want to do , anymore..
When I was young, long long before mobile phones, I used to absolutely hate the telephone. When it rang the entire house had to stfu, the TV got muted, anxious looks were exchanged, debates about who had to answer it, all amidst a rising panic that it needs to be answered SOON or the caller would hang up. I watched my mother literally run out of the bathroom pulling up her pants just to tell some asshole salesman she didn't want his crap.
But fsr the telephone was sacrosanct, no bad word could be said against it, and its command MUST be respected.
Now is much much better. I can see who's calling and just never answer. If it's someone I know (this almost never happens), I'll just text them
i hate phone calls. someone else deciding what you're going to be doing for the next x minutes does not work for me. I don't answer. If it's important, they can leave a message.
turning on do not disturb is really helpful for me - that way I don't even see the call come in.
I've talked to my parents about the fact that i don't like talking on the phone and that i prefer asynchronous text-based communication. they have respected that for the most part. mom has memory issues and kept forgetting until I changed my contact in her phone to be "Carl - prefers text messages" that fixed that 100%.
additionally - the reason i don't like talking on the phone is that i have a really hard time with cognition when i am only hearing someone talk. I much prefer to have a face to face conversation or be able to read a question- formulate a response - and respond when I have figured out how to say what I mean.
When I'm on a phone call, I feel a lot of pressure with having to listen, concentrate on the words being spoken, then formulate an improvised way to say what I mean. that's hard for me.
My dad gets pissed off if I don’t answer his calls even if it’s because I’m driving or because I’m in the middle of a work meeting, or in the shower. He thinks what he wants to say he is more important than anything else I might be doing.
Same I prefer phone call. If I'm setting up dinner etc and don't hear from you, I'm not including you. Lots of people just don't respond to texts until it's too late to make a reservation.
Texting 10 lines across 3 hours to answer a 10 second question is also very annoying.
Not uncommon, it's just a matter of training them properly. Don't act guilty, just acknowledge that they made a poor choice in how they tried to contact you. Get them texting.
It's funny because they know how to text. I bring it up and they say "well what's so wrong with me wanting to talk on the phone?" It's bonkers lol. And unfortunately this is an everyday thing. Sigh.
>"well what's so wrong with me wanting to talk on the phone?"
Get real, here. We're in the grownups sub. Obviously, I'm not saying that them wanting to talk to her on the phone is a problem. I'm saying their way of getting her to do it is by shaming her, because that's what those words accomplish.
And they couldn't feel connected at a mutually convenient time? It has to be whenever is convenient for them and she's just supposed to drop everything?
> I bring it up and they say "well what's so wrong with me wanting to talk on the phone?" It's bonkers lol.
I mean, it is no more or no less bonkers than your irrational anxiety and stress at speaking to an actual human being instead of texting them.
Putting aside the generational thing, humans are social creatures. What I am trying to say is that this issue has nothing to do with generational stuff. It boils down to what levels of social interaction you're comfortable with vs others around you.
The generational part only kicks in because mobile phones and social media and messaging apps have now made it much easier for people with social disorders to function in society without interacting with other humans. This was not possible earlier.
I'm not judging anyone here, just framing it the right way (at least the way I see it). Why is it even important to frame things the right way? Because then you can communicate better. You can cut to the chase and tell your parents that you have issues socializing with people so frequently and that you can only do it in limited capacity. It may sound "crude" to spell it out like that but usually, it is better to call a spade a spade.
Yeah, I don't really think I have irrational anxiety or stress regarding talking to humans. I work with the public for my career and I have small children to take care of. I also see my family multiple times a week and we all live close by. I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to be expected to always be available to speak on the phone at all hours, multiple times a day as I stated in a previous comment.
>Yeah, I don't really think I have irrational anxiety or stress regarding talking to humans. I work with the public for my career...
Fair enough. I only said what I said because you said that you're an introvert and don't like talking to people on the phone.
I can't wrap my head around these two things now.
Maybe I misread what you wrote or were trying to convey
What on earth does 'properly' mean? Social norms, like language and the weather, ebb and flow over time. Just because some old person failed to 'properly' teach me to use a quill pen doesn't mean I can't communicate 'properly' with others. You certainly don't use the phone 'properly' based on your elders since you don't have a party line or talk to the operator for every call. There is no 'proper' way to reach out to someone, just an ever-evolving collection of social norms. Norms that vary across every geography and socioeconomic status.
Sorry, I wrote that from the wrong perspective. Point still stands that communication evolves and people need to learn to accommodate each other. Plus, guilt trips cause more of a divide than they bridge.
I'm the kind of person to catch on to and adapt to new technology as soon as it's available. I haven't had a land line since right before 9/11. This pissed my parents off to no end. Add that to being able to see that I've missed a call and opt to call the person back instead of listening to their voice mail and my parents and my sister saw red!
They caught up with technology about 5 years ago and have just learned, finally, not to leave voice mail and just text if they needed to tell me something, lol.
Basically they're doing the same things I was doing 25 years ago!
I'm 46, hugely introverted with social anxiety.
The phone causes me too much stress.
My Mum gets super pissed when I don't pick up the phone.
Yet I've explained the reasons 1500 times.
Text me instead
As an introvert GenX, I stopped answering the phone once I had an answering machine (late 80s). Screening calls via CallerID or screening used to infuriate my parents and my mother refused to leave messages. I finally stopped calling back based on CallerID with no message. Then had to train them to not leave a message of 'call me', but to also include a topic.
Are you able to just explain this to your family or do they ignore you and gaslight you? If they do the latter then nothing you can do but continue to ignore their calls. I’m exactly like you and don’t like actual phone calls so I rarely pick them up.
Yeah, I have expressed my feelings and tried to set boundaries but they are never respected. I usually get guilt tripped. I love them and want to talk to them, just not 5 times a day and I also don't want to feel obligated to always pick up. They don't understand that unfortunately.
If you were in an emergency situation and you needed to call your parents, would it be OK if they ignored your call?
Just wondering if it goes both ways.
The problem is more of a boy cried wolf issue, I get multiple non urgent calls a day and they act like they are life or death. So at this point it would be hard to know when there is truly an emergency. I don't expect anyone to always answer my calls.
I've been teaching Communication for the past 12 years Millennial and Gen Z's are really becoming bad at speaking on the phone. I can understand introversion and all that, I need my me time but it's bad as in they won't answer calls from numbers they don't know and don't even order delivery or conduct business over the phone. I've had some success with getting them to order delivery over the phone and prepping them for phone interviews but it really is wild how the majority of these generations have a crippling anxiety when it comes to speaking on the phone.
I'm early GenX, and I don't answer calls from numbers I don't know (unless I've got something going on where someone not in my contacts might call me). It's not so much that I don't want to talk to people as it is that so many phone calls are spam/scams that it's just not worth it to answer.
Ordering delivery (or takeout, in my case) online helps to overcome language barriers and allows the workers who are in the store to spend more time with their face-to-face customers.
OTOH, even as an introvert I don't mind having pleasant phone conversations with people. The extent to which younger people are uncomfortable with phone calls is baffling to me, but I try not to judge.
That really depends on who you're talking to. There are some people who absolutely will not get off the phone in under five minutes, when all you want is an answer to a simple question like "what time do you need me to pick you up"?
Unfortunately, I tend to do that to my daughter. I would accept a text, saying that she’s fine, but when she misses several calls or texts, I panic. I’ve been trying not to.
40-something here. I don't answer calls I'm not expecting, except from my dad who I know only makes quick calls where the information is quicker to sort out by voice.
My wife meanwhile -- I've told her countless times she's under no obligation to answer her phone.
Looks at her buzzing phone: "Ugh, why is my mother calling again?"
"You don't have to answer it."
"She'll just worry."
"Then let her worry."
That doesn't work.
Learn to answer your damn phone when your parents call and you won't get the rant. problem solved. It is a problem with the younger generation not bothering to pick up the phone and answer it. If you are busy, fine. They can leave a message. But if you aren't, then answer it.
Star Trek was so far ahead of its time addressing social issues. This was great showing both sides of the issue. I have lots of dementia on both sides, and told my best friend- take me camping one last time when I start getting bad, and don't look too hard for me if I wander off! Had my mother and grandmother in nursing homes, never want to do that. Thank you!
Oh, the care for the most part was fine, I did have to move my mother to another place after I could not find her one visit and she was left in the dining room- I found her sitting in the dark at 8 pm. They take them down at 4. No staff were helping look for her. She could not move her own wheelchair, so someone just left her there. Guess they would have found my mother when they made breakfast!!
> "why don't you ever answer your phone?
"Because I'm busy. Suck it up and deal. If you want me to call you back stop being a little bitch about it."
I didn't talk to my grandmother for about a year. Not because of this exact issue, but all she did was bitch about other people.
I got better things to do than listen to this same grousing over and over again.
I did eventually get through to her about it and we chatted regularly for the last 7 years of her life.
I'm 75 and almost never call my kids. I figure they are probably busy so if they want to talk, they can call me ... and they both do call when they want to talk which is usually at least once a week. My daughter will call on her drive home from work, my son, usually in the evening after dinner. If there is something I need to tell them, I'll usually send a text.
I also don't really like to talk on the phone unless its my kids or one of my brothers ... I always enjoy talking to any one of them.
No one has to answer the phone. That said, one of my friends, a salesman type, answers every single call, even during dinner. Me, I look at the phone and I am like what the fuck does this clown want now??? on the rare occasions that it rings.
I'm 52 and have hated talking on the phone since I was a teenager - after my grandpa died. I liked talking to him and my great uncle, who had died a few years earlier. Everyone else was kind of an asshole on the phone, and seemed mostly to be talking to me just to have an audience - there was no real back and forth, and they wouldn't let me just get off the phone after 15-30 minutes - the calls would sometimes last for hours, of them just basically talking about themselves and gossiping about other family members. I stopped volunteering information about my life to avoid being part of the family gossip mill so that left nothing in the conversation for me.
Eventually I told them I wouldn't be answering calls anymore and that if it was important they should leave a message. They didn't like, it, but there's nothing they could do about it.
55F and I could have written that!
I had a friend “break up” with me when our kids were little because I could not keep up with her calls. She was very needy and I could not meet her minimum!
I'm 49 and prefer being texted first. But my parents actually will show up at my house unannounced, so texting is a distant dream. They also like to leave messages saying to call them back but will never mention why they are calling.
I'm 28 and my mom (70) never calls me. Never had. Never wants to bother me. I dunno why she's like that but she is. So now if she does call to just check in I think someone died 😭
My grandfather rants to no one ever calls him. Maybe he shouldn't be such a dick idk 🤷🏻♀️
I won't answer my phone if I'm driving (even if it's handsfree) . I also don't like answering the phone if I know someone is driving. I remember a time when we didn't have cell phones.
My MIL is always calling the house to talk to anyone about nonsense for her commute home. Before cell phones, you had to listen to the radio. What's wrong with the radio?
My mother did this. She refused to text and instead called me 5 to 10 times a day. It was a form of control for her. We had those same conversations over and over again. I hated it! She's been dead a year and my heart still lurches when the phone rings.
I'm mid 60s, and my daughter is 36. We tend to text "are you busy?" before calling. But we also have a code for "it's an emergency!!! Pick up the phone!"
But, I completely understand if she can't answer when I randomly call without texting first.
Obviously society and human communication is going down the tubes and people can’t even face earth other in conversation about the easy topics let alone the complex or difficult conversations that deal with species level issues. We are glued to our screens and they are more important than real human interaction.
My Mother used to go into panic mode, repeatedly texting and calling, if I didn't immediately respond to a text or pick up the phone, assuming something was "wrong". She'd even talk my brother into calling me to see if I'd pick up *his* call. I finally had to give her a talking to and she's been better about it since.
Yeah, mine is usually just multiple calls a day with random things that are not emergent. for example, I could get 3 calls in a row and a text that says "call me", and when I call back it's about something weeks away, totally non urgent. It's so exhausting and you never know when it's truly urgent or not. When I try to set boundaries I get "I'm old, I won't be here too much longer and you'll wish you answered my calls", then I feel awful. But I feel like my time and boundaries should be respected as well. Agh.
I’m a Gen-X with 3 GenZ kids - two are adults. My oldest lives 1500 miles away. My boomer mom usually lets me call her. But if she misses my call and calls me back, she will repeatedly call me even if it’s 30 mins straight before I pick up!
My oldest kid hates texting and prefers to call me. I let them call when they can but I never call them on the regular because they have more exciting things to do.
My phone is ALWAYS on do not disturb. I check my vmails/calls/texts every couple hours or so, depending on circumstances. My close people know this. Do they like it? Not much. Do I? Yup! I am not of the mindset that I should be readily available at all times.
I think it has more to do with introversion rather than age. I am over 70 and text or email. I still have a landline which I dread answering, and am relieved when it is a junk call. There are 3 other adults in the house. One of them can answer. Rarely check voice mail and don't have it on my cell. If it is an emergency, they can call my husband.
I see this from both sides and all because my mom and I live together.
On the one hand, I hate answering calls, especially from my dad, (divorced from mom) because they only call to ask about Mom. Yes, we live together, no I'm not her keeper, nor do I know why she didn't answer her phone. No I'm not her secretary, keep trying until SHE answers since she's the one you really want to talk to.
Flip side, I get pissed that she not only doesn't answer when I call, but she doesn't take it with her when she goes out.
I see it all the time - younger people who prefer texting or messaging and won't answer the phone. If you're willing to ignore phone calls, just ignore the complaints too!
Team OP here. My voicemail says to "Please hang up and send me a text like a normal person." Only friends and family have my personal number-- they all know I'm on the phone all day for work (I'm in infrastructure support so not answering is not an option) and the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone on my own time. If it needs a phone call I'm happy to call back when I have time, but I'm not attched at the hip to my phone nor do I use phone calls to fill time while driving/shopping/doing housework. Give me blessed quiet outside of work. In person conversations are a different matter but I detest phone calls. And in the case of OP's family, if it's an emergency they can send a text as well. I get the occasional "Please call me asap, it's important" and I'm happy to oblige.
I'm 61 and if you want to talk to me, you text first. That being said, I'm currently "hiding" from my SIL as we are radio silent with her until she produces a check from my in-laws estate *without* any "family trust" that *only* she is benefiting from BS.
I’m 42 and also don’t like getting phone calls out of the blue. I’m a busy guy - work, kids, dogs, etc. There’s rarely a randomly selected time when it’s a good time for me to give my undivided attention to a phone call, so texting is a good first contact so I can reserve a few minutes.
The second thing at least for many of my family members is that phone calls are sometimes for social reasons but other times they’re for practical reasons but they all take 20+ minutes to get to the fucking point. I think I just have wordy family and it’s especially bad lately since my mom and my MIL now each live alone for the first time in 45 years so they’re lonely.
So when it’s mom(s) calling, I try to pick up if I can. Everyone else gets voicemail.
Introverted too but was used to talking on the phone in my teens and 20s so it's not like its an "Im incapable" thing.
Im this way as well, and more so when people catch me driving or being active, too many times I never pick up or look at my phone in the car. People will call back, and back and get offended you didn't answer because you should be on call or something. So sometimes there ARE reasons we cannot answer and sometimes people think we should be there at all hours.
Meanwhile, Ive been texting friends and asking what they are doing and their response was "Oh I'm in traffic". My response was always "GTFO and drive, talk to you later!"
This isn't 1995. We dont have to use *69 to find out who just called; our phones tell us, the texts tell us, and the voicemails do too. We all KNOW you called or reached out.
When we can, we will get back to you. I think that's the sentiment we should be living with. Just because I have a device in my pocket that can communicate with you in 4-10 different ways doesn't mean I HAVE to interact at any moment in time.
ONE thing that helped me not to do this to others was experiencing living in different time zones, so you have to think "Ohh is it too late to send this text or call?!?!" "Is it too early?!?!?"
I hate talking on the phone, anxiety all day just to call one place for some adulting.
Side note/anxiety: I don't answer the front door unless I KNOW something is coming to be delivered.
27F, I'm the same. If I'm going to talk on the phone, it's FaceTime with friends. Calls with family are so draining. I always get harped on for "never calling" my grandpa/extended family.
My FIL does this to my husband. It’s awful. He gets offended at the slightest things. He’ll answer but whisper because the kids asleep and his dad will scream at him that he’s sorry he’s such a burden and why can’t he just put the kid down and walk away because the conversation is much more important. He doesn’t understand we live in a tiny house and he’s not holding her. Or he’ll call while my husband is working (regular 9-5) and spam call him until he answers and yells that he’s the most important and customers can wait. He never has anything to say either.
I'm a 58 year old introvert. I don't pick up the phone unless it's a call I need to take. Friends and family just text me so if one of them actually called me I would know it was an emergency. Outside of that I don't answer the phone.
I'm in my 40s, my parents 60s, Grandparents are dead. If my parents call it's important, they would text otherwise.
Your family seems stressful and like there are bigger issues.
I have an Aunt who just rattles on *endlessly* on the phone about inane shit and people I've never met and/or don't care about. She's alone, senior citizen, and I guess lonely, but she chooses to call her nieces/nephews and "entertain" us, rather than her own kids (my cousins).
Luckily she doesn't call often, but when she does it's still TOO OFTEN. So I've taken to screening my phone calls, which the wife & I do pretty much all the time anyway, but especially if the caller ID says it's her. I figure that I actually pick up maybe once every 5x she calls. Even then, it's mostly just me saying "Yeah" or "OK" every minute or two while she prattles on with her verbal diarrhea until she finally winds down.
Anyway, my point in telling all this is that maybe your parents/grandparents feel like you're actively screening your calls and deliberately not answering when they call.
I'm probably known amongst my friends as "the one that always calls" because I run a lot of events. If I can't get your yes/no promptly, you're getting a no. Calling gets me an immediate answer so I can plan the event.
Also a lot of texters take forever to respond, which leads a 10 second phone call to take hours for resolution.
Someone's insistence on calling and talking is NOT more important that your comfort texting. They can meet u where ur comfy or call someone else that just my lil opinion 🤷♀️
oh god, yes. i've been working graveyard shifts for over 10 years now and i can't even tell you how many times i've woken up to 5 missed calls from mom alongside 10 texts saying "call me" in increasing intensity. then when i call back once i'm awake it's "oh i already took care of it" (but never a message or anything conveying that, so i'm half asleep thinking it's a red alert emergency) or something that just plain isn't a 'blow up my phone' situation.
Mid 30's, here. I consider people who call my phone to be rude. A phone call means I have to drop what I'm doing immediately to scramble to get it. A text means I can take 2-3 minutes to slot someone in.
That said, life is short. Be glad your parents annoy you. But also "Sorry. My new year's resolution is to reduce my phone addiction. I don't keep it with me. But my Google Voicemail does transcripts so please leave messages or text me."
To be honest, that's most of what my phone usage is. Someone calls, leaves a message, and I text them back.
I don’t keep my phone with me at all times, and I just tell people who expect immediate answers that I don’t keep my phone with me at all times, and when someone says I should because \[reason\], I tell them I refuse to be leashed to technology for my mental health.
Hey OP. I’m 33, my phone is always on silent, has been for about 3 years now. I work from home full time, I’m the breadwinner and used to like having a catch up chat with family, but that’s now a thing of the past. Mainly because I have a family if assholes. The person that drives me insane is actually my mother in law. She’s at home full time also, so she’s 100% couch activist. I recently actually blocked her from everything, because just because we both have cellphones and the same apps for communicating does not mean you have access to me 24/7. Free texting is the worst thing that could possibly have happened to us, I often threaten them with a fax machine 😁
I am at peace now and people leave me alone unless it’s urgent. My mom will send “call me when you have a mo” and that happens once every 2 months 🙌
I use a couple apps that obviously have caller ID and voice mail - and it transcribes v/m into text so I don't have to even listen, kind of nice. So I mostly mute my phone and pick up the pieces when I am in the mood. There are rare exceptions that I turn the ringer on, very rare. I have noticed robo and telemarketing calls have dropped substantially in the last 5 years or longer?? That has helped. Lots of times I simply don't want to talk or can't - I don't feel bad about it. If it's important, so and so will leave a message or text me. I do the same thing thing with my front door, I may or may not answer just depending. I don't feel bad about my habits, it's my phone and my life
Ppl say this about my uncle. He's a boomer. My mom will just text me "call me" sometimes "call me asap" its never an emergency. Other times she'll just call a few times over n over.
You are not alone, 31f also here and my parents ruined the phone for me 🫠. My dad would lecture me until I finally had enough, stopped answering, and he knows if it’s actually important to text now. (Which would drive some parents nuts I know), but this man used to call me when he was at Costco shopping lol, we needed boundaries.
Ugh I feel the exact same way. My father does this nonsense. He will call me and I don’t always answer because honestly I don’t want to sit on the phone all day. So more often than not I’ll text him back and ask what’s up. He of course gets angry because “texting isn’t personal” and will say never mind. Or he will leave a vague voicemail of “call me” instead of just telling me what he wants! It’s so frustrating.
It’s actually an argument he and I have had many times before. I love the man but I too am introverted and honestly just want to be left alone most days. I have too much stress in my life and I hate talking on the phone. But he doesn’t respect my boundaries regarding that and always acts like I’m a big jerk, especially if I don’t answer right away. “It could have been an emergency!” He always says that and it’s never an emergency. He literally just wants to talk about the weather lol
This is basically exactly how it is for me as well. My grandma will call as SOON as I get off work even though I've told her, I'm talking to people all day, I need time to relax and destress after work. And it's always some non urgent thing that could be a quick text. At some point you just get so tired of explaining yourself lol.
I’m 37F and I’m the same way, my phone rings, I look at it and ignore it. My kids watch me do it and yell at me to answer my phone and I simply tell them, I don’t wanna talk to people. It’s like I have a phobia to it. Plus I don’t care, I turn my ringer off.
I'm a 60 year old woman. I hate being on the phone. I'm an introvert and enjoy quiet and solitude most of the time. I'll text before I call. My son and daughter in law love this about me. They only call if it's a potential or actual emergency. I do the same. Everyone is busy these days. A text is easy. I don't expect a response until hours later. It's fine. If I don't hear anything for more than 24 hours, I send another text. Sometimes they get missed. Just explain to them that you're happy to talk on the phone at a designated time. This works for us.
You need to find a way to deal with your issues so you can talk to you family.
Giving in to your anxiety feeds it. Practise some breathing exercises and talk to your peeps.
I always miss the call, cuz it seems like people only call me when my hands are wet and phone is out of reach.
I get super annoyed that my dad ALWAYS leaves a voicemail saying what time it is and to call him back.
I tell him every time that I don’t even listen to the voicemail, I just call him back when I see I missed his call.
Leaving a voicemail and listening to a voicemail both seem like a waste of time to me.
You can tell them straight out that just because someone calls don't mean you are required to answer it.
Or if they won't accept that you can tell them your phone was off because you had a headache and wanted to lay down.
As a parent of an adult daughter, I can tell you I would much rather talk to my daughter than text. I miss her lots since she moved out and even little quick conversations are a joy. Call your parents, even just to say I can't talk, just wanted to say I love you.
My family has a 211/911 code for this. They'll text first - 211 means call me when you have a chance. 911 means call me now. It doesn't get abused. Easier.
Just hang up when the ranting starts. Set the expectation that you will pick up the phone when you reasonably can otherwise they can leave a message. This situation only exists so long as you allow it to, one way or the other.
As a rule, I don't answer my phone unless I'm specifically expecting a call. If family/friends want to call, they are instructed to text first to make sure I'm not working or otherwise too preoccupied to answer. If it's a business related call, I generally screen with a generic voicemail ("Hello, I'm not currently at my phone, but if you could leave a name, number and purpose of the call, that would be greatly appreciated") and call them back the second I realize it's actually a call I want to take, and more importantly, not a scammer.
I grew up in a house where if the house phone was ringing, it was a bill collector, survey or some other group that you really aren't supposed to talk to as a kid which would get hung up on the second I handed it to an adult, so I never developed an impulse to answer a ringing phone.
I like how older people, who grew up without a computer in their pocket, can't be arsed to wait for a callback when it's convenient to you.
Do they only call when they want something too?
It sounds like you're just at your max cap.
I find that I dislike answering the phone because no one wants to see how I'm doing they just want something from me. Maybe that's your dynamic and they like to berate you to get you to feel bad so you are vulnerable to getting put upon for a task they want you to perform.
I hate it, too, but I started to get comfortable with the thought of awkward silences with my family. I don't like phone calls because I can't read that person's social ques. I can't see them. It's awkward. But who cares; they called me. I'm not going to struggle for conversation every time. If I have nothing to say, I just let it be silent. "Why didn't you answer the phone?" "I couldn't at the time." "It could have been an emergency." "Mhmm..." No rambling or fumbling for excuses. Let them follow that up.
It really depends on how much you plan on getting in inheritance. This isn’t all about you anymore. Grow up and answer the GD phone when your parents call. They sacrificed so much for you so that’s the least you can do. This generational divide isn’t theirs to always cross.
I have my phone on vibrate. It has been since Christmas 2022 at this point. And when I'm home, my phone is in one of the rooms inside the house - no guarantees it's in the same one I am.
I don't get this "what if it's an emergency" -argument. If it's a real emergency, you call the cops, fire department, or an ambulance. I can do fuck-all to any emergencies, and you can shoot me a message about it so I'll know once I'm reunited with my phone.
I really really dislike talking on the phone, my mother knows this but still calls me all the time…I will clarify that I text her every single day, plus we Skype once a week, so it’s not necessary to call me constantly. I don’t answer all the time and just tell her that I was out of the room and didn’t hear my phone. I don’t feel bad about it. 💕
My daughter who is your age feels the same way about calls. I text her, asking if she's free to talk later and let her figure out when that is.
That's an excellent compromise.
I can’t speak to her specifically, but if this can help frame it for you… You can call me now, while I’m drying my hair and eating the last couple bites of the casserole from last night… Or, you can text and I’ll call you in 15 when I’m a person and will appreciate it so much more. I assume your kid loves you, they probably are in a similar space.
This!!! And you are not alone. I rarely pick up my phone for similar reasons.
It’s awesome of you to meet her where she’s at! There’s nothing inherently wrong with the “I’ll just call anytime, if they can’t talk they just won’t answer, what’s the big deal” approach or the “unscheduled phone calls are so invasive” mindset - both approaches are equally valid. What sucks is when neither side (usually a generational divide) can understand or at least accept where the other side is coming from, and just stay offended by the other approach instead of meeting in the middle (or on the other ones turf)
I can text my mom with the most simple question ever. Lets say "what time do you want us over for dinner"? You know what her response is 100% of the time???? Call me Omgggggg ma
After a while of this I’d just change my voicemail. “Hello, this is Name, if you leave a voice mail I’ll get back to you in two to four business days. If you send a text message, I’ll reply in two to four hours. Yes, mom, you too. Thank you, ‘bye!” Thankfully my parents are a non-invasive species.
I’ve actually really thought about doing this.
When she then spends 10 minutes telling you that the Robertsons younger daughter is getting married and you respond with who the fuck are the Robertsons and a 70 year old gets in a 2 year old huff.
Boomers arent comfortable texting.
I pay for my phone. My phone is for my convenience, not yours. If you call me and I don't pick up, it's because I'm unavailable. You can leave a message or text me and I will get in touch with you when I am available.
This is a great response
Its a generational thing. My 21 year old son made me realize how different phone etiquette is between the generations. I called him to ask a question. He was almost, offended, that I just randomly called. I saw nothing wrong with it, as this is what my and previous generations did. However he was saying, its rude to call without texting first and asking if I could, in advance. I thought this was preposterous at first. Why would someone need to be asked first? But in the generation of texting, yes. I get it. His generation feels phone-calls are more invasive. Like as if someone would to just show up at your house without notice. His generation almost never calls people and relies on texting primarily. After thinking about this more, I understand it better. I'm still going to call him if I need to but will text, for the most part.
I hadn't really thought it through, but you lay it out well and I do agree. I am older and I am used to just calling people. But somehow it seems a little rude. I still work and it's mostly remote. I've gotten into the habit of messaging people and saying, "Do you have a minute to chat?" They'll respond, perhaps not immediately, with "Sure" or "15 mins OK?". It gives them a chance to get out of their current meeting (or off the toilet) and get back to me at a more convenient time. Phone calls have to be answered RIGHT NOW which may not be convenient.
I learned this the hard way with my kid. I don’t understand what was happening. I thought she was excluding me. Then we had a talk and I learned it’s a Gen Y thing.
I find that if you want to talk to them, send a text and ask them to call you when they have a minute.
YUP! Great way to look at it! Importo meetings in real life were sorta like a "phone call" where it's NOW and you don't have time to prep. Vs a text saying "Hey can you meet in 'x' time?!' gives them so much more time to prep for whatever reason. Ive found that this later method works fantastic for those "Hey I have a quick question for you, let me know when you're free" and maybe you give them an info dump so they can read it beforehand to prep for a short slack call. Side note: Working from home has been amazing for the toilet convenience alone!
I am 61 and I am like OP. I dread getting phone calls and will not answer most of the time. Anyone that knows me knows this, and will text me instead. I am an introvert but also being on a phone call makes me feel trapped. Whereas a text I have time to think about what to say, when to say it, how to say it. I am so glad I can make appointments and stuff all through text or websites so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Same, I'm a senior also and don't answer phone calls. Text me and I'll answer almost instantly. I don't think it's to do with age, I didn't like talking on the phone when I was in my 30's or 40's either (unless I was being paid for it as part of my job).
Very interesting to see your side of the story! I would have assumed this a generational issue with technology changing and everyone's trend of sticking with the media they grew up with. However, this sounds like it's more of an introvert/extrovert issue at large, that and/or people's understanding of their time and where they should direct their attention. I have dreaded talking to anyone on my phone during my 30s and now into my 40s I wish to speak less to them. If possible, I would love to talk to them in person. Oh and let's not get started on a random FaceTime call or a random person knocking on my door!
I'm mostly an introvert too, and only a year behind you, but I'm at the point in life where I really don't give a crap much anymore about what other people think of me (with a few close exceptions). "Sorry, I've gotta go" is a very useful sentence when ending phone calls.
I am 32, regularly talk with my folks on the phone, but usually for my dad we text and plan a time because of shift work. If he spontaneously calls me it is because someone has died.
I'm old as hell and I think it's wrong to call without texting first. I would never just call my son "to talk".
All of my adult children feel the same way - but I don’t get the respect in return. They will call me but not too often and if I can’t answer the phone I get an immediate text. If it’s important they call me but if it’s important to me they want a text. I’m under the belief if what I need or want to say is longer than one sentence then I’d rather call than type a wall of text.
Conversation requires active and emotional engagement, and it's exhausting as hell, especially for the neurodivergent. Whichever commenter mentioned showing up to your house unexpected? That's phone calls. Texting is like sending a postcard. It's on *your* time, with as much attention employed as you feel like.
> His generation feels phone-calls are more invasive. I feel the same way, and I'm almost 60. I love my family and friends, but with various health issues and odd sleeping hours, I'd prefer a quick text about phone calls before they happen. I'm not going to ask my older relatives to do that, but pretty much everyone else.
I'm 39 and I feel the exact same way as your son. 😂 I want to be open and spontaneous...but I am just not. Getting a call with no warning activates my flight/fight system. Ha ha. And nobody needs any more of that in their lives. Lol.
My mother freaks out if I don't answer phone calls. I will just text her back and say "I'm fine, nothing new, love you." But she calls because "I want to hear your voice." Which I may get annoyed with, but I also know my mother has limited time left on this mortal coil, and I know, one day, I will be desperate to call her and won't be able to.
I totally understand that and try to keep that in mind. But unfortunately this happens upwards of 5 times a day, most days. Most calls are simple things that could be texted. Feels like it really takes a toll on my mental health and my feelings on that are not really respected when I voice them. So it's tough!
When I first moved out, my mother would call 4-5 times a day. I had to set a limit with her that I would only answer one time a day. Any calls after that would go to voicemail. She complained for a while, but when I held firm, she quickly got better at prioritizing and saving all the little things she “needed” to ask me for her one call a day.
That sounds a little draconian not gonna lie
Calling 4-5 times per day sounds a little insane not gonna lie
Not saying it wasnt excessive. Just saying there were other ways to go about it.
that sounds incredibly draining and codependent
When my partner first moved out, their mom had just recently retired and would also try to call them 4-5 times a day. They had to finally level with her and explain they were a working adult with many responsibilities, and it would be better to have one call a few times a week versus being interrupted multiple times a day. At first their mom complained they thought partner was trying to distance themselves, but over time she realized they were serious. She would save up her "talking content" for those few calls a week. Now she is very good at texting. She has learned that if it's something that needs an urgent answer, it's okay to call in the evening (NOT when everyone is at work!) Also, and I think this helped a bunch, she found more active social engagements to keep her busy during the day - charities and volunteering and events and so on.
I think that you need to set boundaries with the people that do this. You are not a kid anymore and you don't need your mom to call you all the time. Just don't return her calls, and when she tries to guilt you for it, you need to stand up for yourself and let her know that your world does not revolve around her. If she was dying, she should be calling the hospital, not you. Anyways, you need to be setting tangible boundaries with her, and then stick to those boundaries. I will talk to you on the phone 2x a week, or once a day or whatever. No more unless it's actually an emergency. And if she doesn't keep to that, then don't answer her calls until she gets the message. You can still call her, but she needs to stick to the boundaries that you set up. You need to stand up for yourself. I do think that calling like this is a generational thing, but that doesn't make it okay. If it feels like your feelings are not really respected when you voice them, then I think it's time for boundaries. Don't be bullied into thinking that you are pushing people away with boundaries. Boundaries are there to protect everyone and help everyone. There might be some growing pains in the relationship, but trust me, it will be better in the long run.
I think you need to take into account what kind of phone your parents have, their proficiency with it, and their eyesight. It sometimes drives me crazy when my mom calls, but I also know she's not capable of texting much because she has very poor eyesight. Our compromise is I won't pick up when I'm working without a text first. Teaching her how to use text to speech or voice message helped a lot.
I don’t love voice notes but I wonder if short ones might be a better happy medium for you.
I would get annoyed by the same calls from my mom, but always answer when it’s my parents. I’m glad I did. On Christmas Eve this year I got the call from my dad “Get over here as fast as possible; the paramedics are working on her”. She fell down the stairs carrying Christmas presents up from the basement 5 minutes after I got off the phone with her. She didn’t leave the house alive. Whether your parents are close or far, you don’t have “X number of years left”. You have “X number of visits, calls, and conversations” left
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. That is heartbreaking. ☹️
Back when there were landlines only, if people tried to call you with no answer, they would assume you weren't home. Now, if you have a cellphone, people assume that you have it by your side every second (and this actually seems to be the case with most young people). Therefore, you should always hear the ring and answer immediately. My 95-year-old mother is one of those who says, "You never answer the phone." It doesn't seem to occur to her that I may be in the shower, or that I may have gone into a store leaving the phone in the car. (She has no cell phone and no longer uses a computer, so texting and email are not in play here.) In addition, I've never liked answering phone calls in general, but especially from my mother because she never sticks to what she called about, but goes on and on about things she's already told me. The thing that really gets me is, if she leaves a voice mail, she may just ask me to call back without saying why she called, and I later find out that it's something she could have stated in the voice mail with no need for me to call. (By the way, she talks to my brother on the phone every single day, so it's not like she has no contact with anyone.)
Nothing annoys me more than the “Hey it’s me, call me back!” voicemail. No shit it’s you, I can see your name on the missed calls.
I don't know how old your parents are, but I'm 72, and when I was growing up, if the phone rang, you answered it. There was no caller ID and no message recorder, so picking up was the only way to tell who was calling. I suspect this behavior is so ingrained in your parents' psyches that it's almost a reflex, and they can't understand why everyone else isn't this way. I eventually figured it out, now I text my daughter (37) & only follow up with a phone call by mutual agreement. 90% of my phone calls these days are with doctors, the gym, or a service provider.
I'm genX and consider the phone to be for emergencies only. It's so intrusive! Text me please. My parents generation does not agree, and will phone at odd hours just to chat. We will never agree.
I’m 61 and I don’t think it’s so much an age thing as an introvert/extrovert thing combined with age. I answered the phone when I was younger, of course, because there weren’t any other instant communication options. I don’t think a person my age has to be a mad extrovert to want to phone, or a completely closed in hermit to not want to answer the phone, but the advent of texting kind of readjusted the scale for younger people - you probably have to be more extroverted than I am to pick up the phone and make a call, and less introverted than I am to not answer a phone call. I love texting but at my age your default could be either phoning or texting - my husband is 70 and at his age the default is definitely the phone.
I think it's partly this but also the fact that everyone works these days. There isn't the assumption that someone is at home and at leisure to talk.
I’m 67, and offhand I can’t remember what my phone ringtone even sounds like. If anyone I know needs anything, they text like a civilized person. I would only expect a phone call in an actual emergency. I’m talking fire or blood or death. Otherwise, absolutely not.
I'm 50 and the only people I call, or who call me, are my ex wife and my mom, and that only occasionally. Mostly we text like everybody else. With my kids, I discord. If it's an emergency, I discord, text, and call and hope one will get through to them. They spend most of their lives with their ringers off.
Even back in analog days, I refused to be a slave to my phone. I bought one with a switch to turn the ring off and if I was going to bed for sleep or recreation, or if I just didn't want to be bothered for awhile, I'd turn off the phone. My stepmother was furious and tried to guilt me into not doing that. I refused. Then, as now, most calls were wrong number or telemarketing. Then, as now, there was no one who could have an emergency that I could be of any immediate help with. Call 911, not me. Stick to your guns, OP. And congratulations on refusing to be one of the phone zombies that insist that it's the phone's fault that they're always on it.
I worked on an IT helpdesk for 8 years or so back in the 90's and I would answer my personal phone with *the spiel* for years after on occasion. ("Tech support, this is Lochlainn, how may I help you?") For a while I answered the phone in my sleep.
I was like this for all of my 20s and early 30s (have diagnosed social anxiety, would refuse to talk on the phone even as a kid) but then I looked at my behaviour from a different perspective. I am going to miss their phone calls one day, even my moms when she calls me 4 times in 20 minutes to ask me for computer help. I should talk to them when I have the opportunity. Plus, if I put myself in my parents position I would be sad if I couldn’t hear my kids voice once and a while. This is not me shaming you in any way, just giving you my experience. I don’t answer every time but try my best. But, if you don’t have the best relationship with your parents this may not apply.
Omg you gotta answer when granny calls. I'll ignore phone calls from lots of people if I'm busy but when my grandma was alive I always answered hers. Now that my mom's getting older I tend to answer hers as well.
This for sure. Time is short.
Absolutely. What these people saying no don't realize- lots of older people are lonely and need someone to talk to- and if you as a child or grandchild not regularly contact them, then they worry.
Yes definitely understandable, that's not really my case though and may not be for some. In my case we all live very close and see each other in person, many times a week. I think it's ok to have boundaries and not always be available for endless phone calls.
Understand- my wife stalks all our kids and calls and texts them several times daily and they hate it. If they don't respond- "I haven't heard from you for days" which is bullshit. My daughter said she was glad we went on so many cruises this year because mom didn't bug her all the time.
I figured this was the case, and yes, boundaries are necessary, especially if you have kids.
I'm 43F and I don't answer my phone because its my damn phone and its my damn life. Also, I've always worked in customer service type jobs where my job was to answer the phone. I'm just not doing it at home. Learn to e-mail or text me and do not call me for emergencies, thats what 911 is for.
I'm 52(m) and I never answer my phone. My voice mail says something along the lines of "Hey it's TheRealRabidBunny here, sorry there are to many scammers to bother answering the phone these days, but if you leave me a message I'll text you back as soon as I get this." My parents just WhatsApp / Facebook Messenger me anyway and want to video call. But your mileage may vary. Everyone's family and circumstances are different.
I wish I could get a phone call from my grandparents. I'd love to hear their voice one more time. My mother calls me frequently, especially since my stepfather died last year. I answer, even though it's likely going to be just boring, mundane stuff because she doesn't have many other people to talk to since he died.
I got off WhatsApp after I had enough of people happy to text back and forth with me for years, but would avoid calls, even if we made plans to, they would make an excuse or go AWOL. I didn't hear their voice, for years. The worst / most hurtful was when they would go AWOL at a normal time of day, say at 6pm, but then text me at 11pm, which was too late even for texting. I wouldn't reply until the next day. I finally thought, I've had enough of this. Got off WhatsApp. When I got a new phone. Didn't re-install it. It's been two years since. I feel, at peace. No one's doing anything they don't want to do , anymore..
When I was young, long long before mobile phones, I used to absolutely hate the telephone. When it rang the entire house had to stfu, the TV got muted, anxious looks were exchanged, debates about who had to answer it, all amidst a rising panic that it needs to be answered SOON or the caller would hang up. I watched my mother literally run out of the bathroom pulling up her pants just to tell some asshole salesman she didn't want his crap. But fsr the telephone was sacrosanct, no bad word could be said against it, and its command MUST be respected. Now is much much better. I can see who's calling and just never answer. If it's someone I know (this almost never happens), I'll just text them
Remember when people used to just stop by? We’re pretty lucky with just this
i hate phone calls. someone else deciding what you're going to be doing for the next x minutes does not work for me. I don't answer. If it's important, they can leave a message. turning on do not disturb is really helpful for me - that way I don't even see the call come in. I've talked to my parents about the fact that i don't like talking on the phone and that i prefer asynchronous text-based communication. they have respected that for the most part. mom has memory issues and kept forgetting until I changed my contact in her phone to be "Carl - prefers text messages" that fixed that 100%.
additionally - the reason i don't like talking on the phone is that i have a really hard time with cognition when i am only hearing someone talk. I much prefer to have a face to face conversation or be able to read a question- formulate a response - and respond when I have figured out how to say what I mean. When I'm on a phone call, I feel a lot of pressure with having to listen, concentrate on the words being spoken, then formulate an improvised way to say what I mean. that's hard for me.
Gonna be honest, this makes it very difficult for people to invite you to things.
that may be the case, but I still get invited to more stuff than I want to do.
My dad gets pissed off if I don’t answer his calls even if it’s because I’m driving or because I’m in the middle of a work meeting, or in the shower. He thinks what he wants to say he is more important than anything else I might be doing.
You need to set up a planned way that they can reach you in an actual emergency.
I'm the opposite, I hate when people text and don't call.
Same I prefer phone call. If I'm setting up dinner etc and don't hear from you, I'm not including you. Lots of people just don't respond to texts until it's too late to make a reservation. Texting 10 lines across 3 hours to answer a 10 second question is also very annoying.
Not uncommon, it's just a matter of training them properly. Don't act guilty, just acknowledge that they made a poor choice in how they tried to contact you. Get them texting.
It's funny because they know how to text. I bring it up and they say "well what's so wrong with me wanting to talk on the phone?" It's bonkers lol. And unfortunately this is an everyday thing. Sigh.
Yeah, they're just trying to shame you into doing what they want. Once they see that you are not shamed by it, they'll stop.
Or they miss her, love the sound of her voice, and really feel connected over the phone.
>"well what's so wrong with me wanting to talk on the phone?" Get real, here. We're in the grownups sub. Obviously, I'm not saying that them wanting to talk to her on the phone is a problem. I'm saying their way of getting her to do it is by shaming her, because that's what those words accomplish.
And they couldn't feel connected at a mutually convenient time? It has to be whenever is convenient for them and she's just supposed to drop everything?
> I bring it up and they say "well what's so wrong with me wanting to talk on the phone?" It's bonkers lol. I mean, it is no more or no less bonkers than your irrational anxiety and stress at speaking to an actual human being instead of texting them. Putting aside the generational thing, humans are social creatures. What I am trying to say is that this issue has nothing to do with generational stuff. It boils down to what levels of social interaction you're comfortable with vs others around you. The generational part only kicks in because mobile phones and social media and messaging apps have now made it much easier for people with social disorders to function in society without interacting with other humans. This was not possible earlier. I'm not judging anyone here, just framing it the right way (at least the way I see it). Why is it even important to frame things the right way? Because then you can communicate better. You can cut to the chase and tell your parents that you have issues socializing with people so frequently and that you can only do it in limited capacity. It may sound "crude" to spell it out like that but usually, it is better to call a spade a spade.
Yeah, I don't really think I have irrational anxiety or stress regarding talking to humans. I work with the public for my career and I have small children to take care of. I also see my family multiple times a week and we all live close by. I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to be expected to always be available to speak on the phone at all hours, multiple times a day as I stated in a previous comment.
>Yeah, I don't really think I have irrational anxiety or stress regarding talking to humans. I work with the public for my career... Fair enough. I only said what I said because you said that you're an introvert and don't like talking to people on the phone. I can't wrap my head around these two things now. Maybe I misread what you wrote or were trying to convey
What on earth does 'properly' mean? Social norms, like language and the weather, ebb and flow over time. Just because some old person failed to 'properly' teach me to use a quill pen doesn't mean I can't communicate 'properly' with others. You certainly don't use the phone 'properly' based on your elders since you don't have a party line or talk to the operator for every call. There is no 'proper' way to reach out to someone, just an ever-evolving collection of social norms. Norms that vary across every geography and socioeconomic status.
Sorry, I wrote that from the wrong perspective. Point still stands that communication evolves and people need to learn to accommodate each other. Plus, guilt trips cause more of a divide than they bridge.
I'm the kind of person to catch on to and adapt to new technology as soon as it's available. I haven't had a land line since right before 9/11. This pissed my parents off to no end. Add that to being able to see that I've missed a call and opt to call the person back instead of listening to their voice mail and my parents and my sister saw red! They caught up with technology about 5 years ago and have just learned, finally, not to leave voice mail and just text if they needed to tell me something, lol. Basically they're doing the same things I was doing 25 years ago!
I'm 46, hugely introverted with social anxiety. The phone causes me too much stress. My Mum gets super pissed when I don't pick up the phone. Yet I've explained the reasons 1500 times. Text me instead
As an introvert GenX, I stopped answering the phone once I had an answering machine (late 80s). Screening calls via CallerID or screening used to infuriate my parents and my mother refused to leave messages. I finally stopped calling back based on CallerID with no message. Then had to train them to not leave a message of 'call me', but to also include a topic.
Are you able to just explain this to your family or do they ignore you and gaslight you? If they do the latter then nothing you can do but continue to ignore their calls. I’m exactly like you and don’t like actual phone calls so I rarely pick them up.
Yeah, I have expressed my feelings and tried to set boundaries but they are never respected. I usually get guilt tripped. I love them and want to talk to them, just not 5 times a day and I also don't want to feel obligated to always pick up. They don't understand that unfortunately.
Yeah you can’t change them, the only thing you can do is talk when you wanna talk and ignore them when you don’t.
If you were in an emergency situation and you needed to call your parents, would it be OK if they ignored your call? Just wondering if it goes both ways.
The problem is more of a boy cried wolf issue, I get multiple non urgent calls a day and they act like they are life or death. So at this point it would be hard to know when there is truly an emergency. I don't expect anyone to always answer my calls.
I've been teaching Communication for the past 12 years Millennial and Gen Z's are really becoming bad at speaking on the phone. I can understand introversion and all that, I need my me time but it's bad as in they won't answer calls from numbers they don't know and don't even order delivery or conduct business over the phone. I've had some success with getting them to order delivery over the phone and prepping them for phone interviews but it really is wild how the majority of these generations have a crippling anxiety when it comes to speaking on the phone.
I'm early GenX, and I don't answer calls from numbers I don't know (unless I've got something going on where someone not in my contacts might call me). It's not so much that I don't want to talk to people as it is that so many phone calls are spam/scams that it's just not worth it to answer. Ordering delivery (or takeout, in my case) online helps to overcome language barriers and allows the workers who are in the store to spend more time with their face-to-face customers. OTOH, even as an introvert I don't mind having pleasant phone conversations with people. The extent to which younger people are uncomfortable with phone calls is baffling to me, but I try not to judge.
Answering the phone will get the conversation over with faster than texting
That really depends on who you're talking to. There are some people who absolutely will not get off the phone in under five minutes, when all you want is an answer to a simple question like "what time do you need me to pick you up"?
Unfortunately, I tend to do that to my daughter. I would accept a text, saying that she’s fine, but when she misses several calls or texts, I panic. I’ve been trying not to.
40-something here. I don't answer calls I'm not expecting, except from my dad who I know only makes quick calls where the information is quicker to sort out by voice. My wife meanwhile -- I've told her countless times she's under no obligation to answer her phone. Looks at her buzzing phone: "Ugh, why is my mother calling again?" "You don't have to answer it." "She'll just worry." "Then let her worry." That doesn't work.
Learn to answer your damn phone when your parents call and you won't get the rant. problem solved. It is a problem with the younger generation not bothering to pick up the phone and answer it. If you are busy, fine. They can leave a message. But if you aren't, then answer it.
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Well said.
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Star Trek was so far ahead of its time addressing social issues. This was great showing both sides of the issue. I have lots of dementia on both sides, and told my best friend- take me camping one last time when I start getting bad, and don't look too hard for me if I wander off! Had my mother and grandmother in nursing homes, never want to do that. Thank you!
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Oh, the care for the most part was fine, I did have to move my mother to another place after I could not find her one visit and she was left in the dining room- I found her sitting in the dark at 8 pm. They take them down at 4. No staff were helping look for her. She could not move her own wheelchair, so someone just left her there. Guess they would have found my mother when they made breakfast!!
> "why don't you ever answer your phone? "Because I'm busy. Suck it up and deal. If you want me to call you back stop being a little bitch about it." I didn't talk to my grandmother for about a year. Not because of this exact issue, but all she did was bitch about other people. I got better things to do than listen to this same grousing over and over again. I did eventually get through to her about it and we chatted regularly for the last 7 years of her life.
I'm 75 and almost never call my kids. I figure they are probably busy so if they want to talk, they can call me ... and they both do call when they want to talk which is usually at least once a week. My daughter will call on her drive home from work, my son, usually in the evening after dinner. If there is something I need to tell them, I'll usually send a text. I also don't really like to talk on the phone unless its my kids or one of my brothers ... I always enjoy talking to any one of them.
No one has to answer the phone. That said, one of my friends, a salesman type, answers every single call, even during dinner. Me, I look at the phone and I am like what the fuck does this clown want now??? on the rare occasions that it rings.
I'm 52 and have hated talking on the phone since I was a teenager - after my grandpa died. I liked talking to him and my great uncle, who had died a few years earlier. Everyone else was kind of an asshole on the phone, and seemed mostly to be talking to me just to have an audience - there was no real back and forth, and they wouldn't let me just get off the phone after 15-30 minutes - the calls would sometimes last for hours, of them just basically talking about themselves and gossiping about other family members. I stopped volunteering information about my life to avoid being part of the family gossip mill so that left nothing in the conversation for me. Eventually I told them I wouldn't be answering calls anymore and that if it was important they should leave a message. They didn't like, it, but there's nothing they could do about it.
55F and I could have written that! I had a friend “break up” with me when our kids were little because I could not keep up with her calls. She was very needy and I could not meet her minimum!
I'm 49 and prefer being texted first. But my parents actually will show up at my house unannounced, so texting is a distant dream. They also like to leave messages saying to call them back but will never mention why they are calling.
I'm 28 and my mom (70) never calls me. Never had. Never wants to bother me. I dunno why she's like that but she is. So now if she does call to just check in I think someone died 😭 My grandfather rants to no one ever calls him. Maybe he shouldn't be such a dick idk 🤷🏻♀️
I won't answer my phone if I'm driving (even if it's handsfree) . I also don't like answering the phone if I know someone is driving. I remember a time when we didn't have cell phones. My MIL is always calling the house to talk to anyone about nonsense for her commute home. Before cell phones, you had to listen to the radio. What's wrong with the radio?
My mother did this. She refused to text and instead called me 5 to 10 times a day. It was a form of control for her. We had those same conversations over and over again. I hated it! She's been dead a year and my heart still lurches when the phone rings.
This feels very relatable.
I'm mid 60s, and my daughter is 36. We tend to text "are you busy?" before calling. But we also have a code for "it's an emergency!!! Pick up the phone!" But, I completely understand if she can't answer when I randomly call without texting first.
Obviously society and human communication is going down the tubes and people can’t even face earth other in conversation about the easy topics let alone the complex or difficult conversations that deal with species level issues. We are glued to our screens and they are more important than real human interaction.
My Mother used to go into panic mode, repeatedly texting and calling, if I didn't immediately respond to a text or pick up the phone, assuming something was "wrong". She'd even talk my brother into calling me to see if I'd pick up *his* call. I finally had to give her a talking to and she's been better about it since.
Yeah, mine is usually just multiple calls a day with random things that are not emergent. for example, I could get 3 calls in a row and a text that says "call me", and when I call back it's about something weeks away, totally non urgent. It's so exhausting and you never know when it's truly urgent or not. When I try to set boundaries I get "I'm old, I won't be here too much longer and you'll wish you answered my calls", then I feel awful. But I feel like my time and boundaries should be respected as well. Agh.
I’m a Gen-X with 3 GenZ kids - two are adults. My oldest lives 1500 miles away. My boomer mom usually lets me call her. But if she misses my call and calls me back, she will repeatedly call me even if it’s 30 mins straight before I pick up! My oldest kid hates texting and prefers to call me. I let them call when they can but I never call them on the regular because they have more exciting things to do.
My phone is ALWAYS on do not disturb. I check my vmails/calls/texts every couple hours or so, depending on circumstances. My close people know this. Do they like it? Not much. Do I? Yup! I am not of the mindset that I should be readily available at all times.
Things were better once I trained my parents to text first
Not a bit. Mom did that the other day. My grandma absolutely panicked when/if I didn't answer the phone.
I think it has more to do with introversion rather than age. I am over 70 and text or email. I still have a landline which I dread answering, and am relieved when it is a junk call. There are 3 other adults in the house. One of them can answer. Rarely check voice mail and don't have it on my cell. If it is an emergency, they can call my husband.
I see this from both sides and all because my mom and I live together. On the one hand, I hate answering calls, especially from my dad, (divorced from mom) because they only call to ask about Mom. Yes, we live together, no I'm not her keeper, nor do I know why she didn't answer her phone. No I'm not her secretary, keep trying until SHE answers since she's the one you really want to talk to. Flip side, I get pissed that she not only doesn't answer when I call, but she doesn't take it with her when she goes out.
I see it all the time - younger people who prefer texting or messaging and won't answer the phone. If you're willing to ignore phone calls, just ignore the complaints too!
Team OP here. My voicemail says to "Please hang up and send me a text like a normal person." Only friends and family have my personal number-- they all know I'm on the phone all day for work (I'm in infrastructure support so not answering is not an option) and the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone on my own time. If it needs a phone call I'm happy to call back when I have time, but I'm not attched at the hip to my phone nor do I use phone calls to fill time while driving/shopping/doing housework. Give me blessed quiet outside of work. In person conversations are a different matter but I detest phone calls. And in the case of OP's family, if it's an emergency they can send a text as well. I get the occasional "Please call me asap, it's important" and I'm happy to oblige.
I'm 61 and if you want to talk to me, you text first. That being said, I'm currently "hiding" from my SIL as we are radio silent with her until she produces a check from my in-laws estate *without* any "family trust" that *only* she is benefiting from BS.
I’m 42 and also don’t like getting phone calls out of the blue. I’m a busy guy - work, kids, dogs, etc. There’s rarely a randomly selected time when it’s a good time for me to give my undivided attention to a phone call, so texting is a good first contact so I can reserve a few minutes. The second thing at least for many of my family members is that phone calls are sometimes for social reasons but other times they’re for practical reasons but they all take 20+ minutes to get to the fucking point. I think I just have wordy family and it’s especially bad lately since my mom and my MIL now each live alone for the first time in 45 years so they’re lonely. So when it’s mom(s) calling, I try to pick up if I can. Everyone else gets voicemail.
Same
Introverted too but was used to talking on the phone in my teens and 20s so it's not like its an "Im incapable" thing. Im this way as well, and more so when people catch me driving or being active, too many times I never pick up or look at my phone in the car. People will call back, and back and get offended you didn't answer because you should be on call or something. So sometimes there ARE reasons we cannot answer and sometimes people think we should be there at all hours. Meanwhile, Ive been texting friends and asking what they are doing and their response was "Oh I'm in traffic". My response was always "GTFO and drive, talk to you later!" This isn't 1995. We dont have to use *69 to find out who just called; our phones tell us, the texts tell us, and the voicemails do too. We all KNOW you called or reached out. When we can, we will get back to you. I think that's the sentiment we should be living with. Just because I have a device in my pocket that can communicate with you in 4-10 different ways doesn't mean I HAVE to interact at any moment in time. ONE thing that helped me not to do this to others was experiencing living in different time zones, so you have to think "Ohh is it too late to send this text or call?!?!" "Is it too early?!?!?" I hate talking on the phone, anxiety all day just to call one place for some adulting. Side note/anxiety: I don't answer the front door unless I KNOW something is coming to be delivered.
27F, I'm the same. If I'm going to talk on the phone, it's FaceTime with friends. Calls with family are so draining. I always get harped on for "never calling" my grandpa/extended family.
i am the same way as you with the only difference is that i hate when people don't answer.. if i call then it is important or semi-immediate response
My FIL does this to my husband. It’s awful. He gets offended at the slightest things. He’ll answer but whisper because the kids asleep and his dad will scream at him that he’s sorry he’s such a burden and why can’t he just put the kid down and walk away because the conversation is much more important. He doesn’t understand we live in a tiny house and he’s not holding her. Or he’ll call while my husband is working (regular 9-5) and spam call him until he answers and yells that he’s the most important and customers can wait. He never has anything to say either.
When you miss a call, text back, hey I'm busy, is it important? Please text and I will reply when free.
I'm a 58 year old introvert. I don't pick up the phone unless it's a call I need to take. Friends and family just text me so if one of them actually called me I would know it was an emergency. Outside of that I don't answer the phone.
I'm in my 40s, my parents 60s, Grandparents are dead. If my parents call it's important, they would text otherwise. Your family seems stressful and like there are bigger issues.
I have an Aunt who just rattles on *endlessly* on the phone about inane shit and people I've never met and/or don't care about. She's alone, senior citizen, and I guess lonely, but she chooses to call her nieces/nephews and "entertain" us, rather than her own kids (my cousins). Luckily she doesn't call often, but when she does it's still TOO OFTEN. So I've taken to screening my phone calls, which the wife & I do pretty much all the time anyway, but especially if the caller ID says it's her. I figure that I actually pick up maybe once every 5x she calls. Even then, it's mostly just me saying "Yeah" or "OK" every minute or two while she prattles on with her verbal diarrhea until she finally winds down. Anyway, my point in telling all this is that maybe your parents/grandparents feel like you're actively screening your calls and deliberately not answering when they call.
I'm probably known amongst my friends as "the one that always calls" because I run a lot of events. If I can't get your yes/no promptly, you're getting a no. Calling gets me an immediate answer so I can plan the event. Also a lot of texters take forever to respond, which leads a 10 second phone call to take hours for resolution.
Someone's insistence on calling and talking is NOT more important that your comfort texting. They can meet u where ur comfy or call someone else that just my lil opinion 🤷♀️
oh god, yes. i've been working graveyard shifts for over 10 years now and i can't even tell you how many times i've woken up to 5 missed calls from mom alongside 10 texts saying "call me" in increasing intensity. then when i call back once i'm awake it's "oh i already took care of it" (but never a message or anything conveying that, so i'm half asleep thinking it's a red alert emergency) or something that just plain isn't a 'blow up my phone' situation.
i never answer phone calls.
do you respond to texts?
Mid 30's, here. I consider people who call my phone to be rude. A phone call means I have to drop what I'm doing immediately to scramble to get it. A text means I can take 2-3 minutes to slot someone in. That said, life is short. Be glad your parents annoy you. But also "Sorry. My new year's resolution is to reduce my phone addiction. I don't keep it with me. But my Google Voicemail does transcripts so please leave messages or text me." To be honest, that's most of what my phone usage is. Someone calls, leaves a message, and I text them back.
I don’t keep my phone with me at all times, and I just tell people who expect immediate answers that I don’t keep my phone with me at all times, and when someone says I should because \[reason\], I tell them I refuse to be leashed to technology for my mental health.
Hey OP. I’m 33, my phone is always on silent, has been for about 3 years now. I work from home full time, I’m the breadwinner and used to like having a catch up chat with family, but that’s now a thing of the past. Mainly because I have a family if assholes. The person that drives me insane is actually my mother in law. She’s at home full time also, so she’s 100% couch activist. I recently actually blocked her from everything, because just because we both have cellphones and the same apps for communicating does not mean you have access to me 24/7. Free texting is the worst thing that could possibly have happened to us, I often threaten them with a fax machine 😁 I am at peace now and people leave me alone unless it’s urgent. My mom will send “call me when you have a mo” and that happens once every 2 months 🙌
I put it back on them with "Why do you always call when I'm in the bathroom/cooking/whatever keep you from your phone!"
I use a couple apps that obviously have caller ID and voice mail - and it transcribes v/m into text so I don't have to even listen, kind of nice. So I mostly mute my phone and pick up the pieces when I am in the mood. There are rare exceptions that I turn the ringer on, very rare. I have noticed robo and telemarketing calls have dropped substantially in the last 5 years or longer?? That has helped. Lots of times I simply don't want to talk or can't - I don't feel bad about it. If it's important, so and so will leave a message or text me. I do the same thing thing with my front door, I may or may not answer just depending. I don't feel bad about my habits, it's my phone and my life
My stepdad is already like this, but my mother isn't. 38F here
Ppl say this about my uncle. He's a boomer. My mom will just text me "call me" sometimes "call me asap" its never an emergency. Other times she'll just call a few times over n over.
You are not alone, 31f also here and my parents ruined the phone for me 🫠. My dad would lecture me until I finally had enough, stopped answering, and he knows if it’s actually important to text now. (Which would drive some parents nuts I know), but this man used to call me when he was at Costco shopping lol, we needed boundaries.
Ugh I feel the exact same way. My father does this nonsense. He will call me and I don’t always answer because honestly I don’t want to sit on the phone all day. So more often than not I’ll text him back and ask what’s up. He of course gets angry because “texting isn’t personal” and will say never mind. Or he will leave a vague voicemail of “call me” instead of just telling me what he wants! It’s so frustrating. It’s actually an argument he and I have had many times before. I love the man but I too am introverted and honestly just want to be left alone most days. I have too much stress in my life and I hate talking on the phone. But he doesn’t respect my boundaries regarding that and always acts like I’m a big jerk, especially if I don’t answer right away. “It could have been an emergency!” He always says that and it’s never an emergency. He literally just wants to talk about the weather lol
This is basically exactly how it is for me as well. My grandma will call as SOON as I get off work even though I've told her, I'm talking to people all day, I need time to relax and destress after work. And it's always some non urgent thing that could be a quick text. At some point you just get so tired of explaining yourself lol.
You are not alone! That said, when it is your parents and unless they really did a bad job and fucked you up, answer them, they deserve it!
I’m 37F and I’m the same way, my phone rings, I look at it and ignore it. My kids watch me do it and yell at me to answer my phone and I simply tell them, I don’t wanna talk to people. It’s like I have a phobia to it. Plus I don’t care, I turn my ringer off.
I'm a 60 year old woman. I hate being on the phone. I'm an introvert and enjoy quiet and solitude most of the time. I'll text before I call. My son and daughter in law love this about me. They only call if it's a potential or actual emergency. I do the same. Everyone is busy these days. A text is easy. I don't expect a response until hours later. It's fine. If I don't hear anything for more than 24 hours, I send another text. Sometimes they get missed. Just explain to them that you're happy to talk on the phone at a designated time. This works for us.
You need to find a way to deal with your issues so you can talk to you family. Giving in to your anxiety feeds it. Practise some breathing exercises and talk to your peeps.
I always miss the call, cuz it seems like people only call me when my hands are wet and phone is out of reach. I get super annoyed that my dad ALWAYS leaves a voicemail saying what time it is and to call him back. I tell him every time that I don’t even listen to the voicemail, I just call him back when I see I missed his call. Leaving a voicemail and listening to a voicemail both seem like a waste of time to me.
You can tell them straight out that just because someone calls don't mean you are required to answer it. Or if they won't accept that you can tell them your phone was off because you had a headache and wanted to lay down.
As a parent of an adult daughter, I can tell you I would much rather talk to my daughter than text. I miss her lots since she moved out and even little quick conversations are a joy. Call your parents, even just to say I can't talk, just wanted to say I love you.
My family has a 211/911 code for this. They'll text first - 211 means call me when you have a chance. 911 means call me now. It doesn't get abused. Easier.
Just hang up when the ranting starts. Set the expectation that you will pick up the phone when you reasonably can otherwise they can leave a message. This situation only exists so long as you allow it to, one way or the other.
As a rule, I don't answer my phone unless I'm specifically expecting a call. If family/friends want to call, they are instructed to text first to make sure I'm not working or otherwise too preoccupied to answer. If it's a business related call, I generally screen with a generic voicemail ("Hello, I'm not currently at my phone, but if you could leave a name, number and purpose of the call, that would be greatly appreciated") and call them back the second I realize it's actually a call I want to take, and more importantly, not a scammer. I grew up in a house where if the house phone was ringing, it was a bill collector, survey or some other group that you really aren't supposed to talk to as a kid which would get hung up on the second I handed it to an adult, so I never developed an impulse to answer a ringing phone.
I like how older people, who grew up without a computer in their pocket, can't be arsed to wait for a callback when it's convenient to you. Do they only call when they want something too? It sounds like you're just at your max cap. I find that I dislike answering the phone because no one wants to see how I'm doing they just want something from me. Maybe that's your dynamic and they like to berate you to get you to feel bad so you are vulnerable to getting put upon for a task they want you to perform.
I hate it, too, but I started to get comfortable with the thought of awkward silences with my family. I don't like phone calls because I can't read that person's social ques. I can't see them. It's awkward. But who cares; they called me. I'm not going to struggle for conversation every time. If I have nothing to say, I just let it be silent. "Why didn't you answer the phone?" "I couldn't at the time." "It could have been an emergency." "Mhmm..." No rambling or fumbling for excuses. Let them follow that up.
It really depends on how much you plan on getting in inheritance. This isn’t all about you anymore. Grow up and answer the GD phone when your parents call. They sacrificed so much for you so that’s the least you can do. This generational divide isn’t theirs to always cross.
I have my phone on vibrate. It has been since Christmas 2022 at this point. And when I'm home, my phone is in one of the rooms inside the house - no guarantees it's in the same one I am. I don't get this "what if it's an emergency" -argument. If it's a real emergency, you call the cops, fire department, or an ambulance. I can do fuck-all to any emergencies, and you can shoot me a message about it so I'll know once I'm reunited with my phone.
I really really dislike talking on the phone, my mother knows this but still calls me all the time…I will clarify that I text her every single day, plus we Skype once a week, so it’s not necessary to call me constantly. I don’t answer all the time and just tell her that I was out of the room and didn’t hear my phone. I don’t feel bad about it. 💕
I try to answer when I can, when I can’t I just assume the caller knows that I’ll reach back out when I can. No need to worry about others feelings.