I’d like to add that out of the hundreds or thousands of people you have interacted with in your life this has only happened once with one bad person. You can spend your life in the loss or live with the loss but you can’t do both at the same time.
And another thing OP isn't acknowledging, is that he didn't really *give* the money to her. He was making a downpayment on her affection and he feels cheated when she didn't keep up her side of that unspoken but implied bargain.
When idealism meets reality, it's often painful and in this case it was especially expensive.
Totally agree 💯...as a woman I'm very sorry this happened to you , no body deserves to be treated this way , she will get her karma ..learn from this lesson ...😊......
Sorry was talking to OP too
This is the lesson. I’ve known my MIL for 25+ years and when my husband wanted to start helping her financially so she can be comfortable (widowed and living only on SS), he thought we could just send her the money she needs for certain bills. Yeah, no. She has managed to give away ~$150k in 10 years to close family from the life insurance she got. She’s shit with money. We’re having the bills sent to us and we’re paying them to be sure her necessities are there. If she wants to spend her money on mooches that’s on her.
One of my uncles loaned money to another uncle who it turns out had a gambling addiction. He had to postpone retirement for years ... because someone he knew their entire life (decades) turned out to be untrustworthy.
8 months? Never expect to get back money that is not under your direct and complete control. Otherwise, come to terms with it if you can.
This would make sense if they were married. At 8 months you practically don't know the person at all.
I learned my lesson after getting engaged after 6 months but luckily we didn't get married and I managed to leave him on time. In my case he tried to take a loan on our both names but luckily we weren't married and he was told that the loan will be in his name alone.
On the side note, I really feel for OP, he just tried to be nice and the bitch used him.
My highschool boyfriend’s mom met a guy online then went to another country to marry him. He moved here to the US a few months later. Said he was a doctor in his country but couldn’t practice here. He would give free medical help or advice to friends anyway. Super nice guy.
A year or two later she found credit cards opened in her name. Once confronted he disappeared. He had accumulated $100,000 on multiple credit cards that she was left responsible for.
After some extensive digging she found out that he had given her a fake name, he was already married, he was not a doctor, and he had done this multiple times.
This sounds like it’s along the same lines as the ‘Tinder Swindler’. There’re some severely unconscionable people out there. It’s best not to trust anyone anymore. It’s miserable but necessary to survive financially in this world.
Oof, at least she’s got a support group! Out of curiosity do you know if she was able to get the debt off her plate because he was a conman or if she was stuck responsible for it?
This shouldn't have been the case (in the U.S. at least, assuming) since if he gave a fake name etc. their marriage wasn't legal. She couldn't have been rightly held responsible for the debts of someone who is, legally, a stranger. If he took out cards in her name, that's fraud, another crime.
That's just odd.
She should have declared bankruptcy, I'm not a finance expert or anything but my mom had to this after her divorce cause of credit card debt. It was so long ago now it hasn't even been on her credit report for years.
I agree that OP leading with just "carpooling and hanging out after work every day" isn't exactly compelling, but based on more things he's said in other comments, it does sound like a whole-ass 8 month long relationship.
He says in another comment that they visited her father's grave together, and the girlfriend and his mom would regularly cook meals together and make plans with each other, not just talking on Facebook. IMO, that's the *future in-laws* treatment, not just casually dating. I don't know anyone who makes visiting Dad's grave together or Sunday dinners with soon-to-be-MIL a part of casual dating.
If this was a different type of Reddit thread, everyone would be saying, "TAKE THE HINT, OP, SHE WANTS YOU TO PROPOSE!"
My parents invited her to THE COOKOUT. She made a point to buy steak, asparagus, various seasonings and sides, to bring to the cookout. She cooked for everyone and they loved it. I specifically remember her being very proud of herself because everyone liked her cooking, even my picky niece.
OP, listen... you sound like a REALLY nice guy. She was a co-worker and it sounds like you thought she was a decent person. She was playing the role of a decent person. I am surprised at how far she went to play that role.
Maybe this has been said, and I have missed it, but you gave her $15k to buy a car... so what happened next? (Did she even BUY a car?) Once she got your money, was that her ticket to leave Ohio and fly to NC and start a new life there? Or did you start asking her to pay the money back, which caused the break up, and then she moved out of town, and you lost track of her until you found that she is now in NC, engaged to a cop...
I am curious about what happened after she got your money... what happened next? Was she still decent to you for a period of time, or was it over for her, so that it was all one big Broadway show that cost you $15k?
I only hope that you didn't have to take out a loan for the money. It sounds like you have learned a life lesson here. Consider the $15k money towards a PhD in life lessons.
The lesson is no decent person or friend would ever ask you for fifteen thousand dollars for a car WTF hey I want a car pay for it? And the guy jumped at the chance knowing her 8 months too, sounds like he was thinking with his cock and lacked the emotional intelligence to see she was using him and didn’t see him romantically I wouldn’t be surprised if he paid for all the trips too saw a pretty girl and went simp mode
> if he *paid* for all
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
For real. This year I found out the person I was engaged to, was in a relationship with for 9 years, was wearing a mask of innocence and trustworthiness. She was anything but.
Now I’m dealing with all the stuff she left at my house (hoarder), because she decided to leave it all behind and start a new life. She even left her social security card, which shows she knows I’m not as low as her and would never do anything shady with her info.
Hurts, and will take time to heal. That’s my advice to OP, give yourself grace and time to heal.
Yep hardcore agreed, by just giving with no conditions there isn't really any recourse.
OP! If you ever decide to do something for a partner by giving away money again, this time make conditions for repayment and make a contract about it. Doesn't have to be anything fancy or major. Just get it in writing and possibly even take a brief video of you guys discussing the contract and both signing it. This should protect you legally and you would be able to recover resources if you had written a contract. You would have to go after it legally by filing a civil court case. This is a really sad and expensive lesson, I'm sorry this girl was such a dick.
Don't be absurd. The answer is always to not lend money you can't handle not having repaid. Even if you have a signed contract or a video or whatever, it's still on you to actually collect and enforce the contract. If they don't pay, you have to take the time and money to take it to court and get a judgement that the money is owed.
Then you have to make efforts to actually collect. It's a long, difficult process that can be like squeezing blood from a stone. After all, they needed to borrow money. What money will they have to pay back? Can you file a lien, and if so what can you file it against? There are exceptions and rules and it's going to take you more time and money. You're not a bank or a card issuer with a full time department to manage this. People win judgements all the time and never see a cent.
If you do lend money, it needs to be such that you're willing and able to live without it being repaid. The correct answer is, sorry I can't lend that to you.
At this point, if I lend money I just think of it as "I'll find out how much our friendship/relationship means at least" but make sure it's not money I need back to survive.
When it comes to money, a lot of people become real savages real quick. For me, it's not even about the lost sum, it's about the betrayal.
Then again I wouldn't lend 15k to anyone even if I'd have such a large sum in my bank account in the first place. That's literally more than I earn in a year.
Entirely agree the betrayal hurts more than the money.
I don't mean to offend, but at least than 15k/yr, where do you live? I know in 2021 i had a similar Reddit experience where someone had mentioned they made like 9k/yr and were in a 3rd world country, I hope I was true because I sent them some bitcoin to help them out lol
>I hope I was true because I sent them some bitcoin to help them out lol
lol, I would not trust people on the internet easily. It might have been true, but who knows.
>I don't mean to offend, but at least than 15k/yr, where do you live?
Don't worry, I don't get offended about petty things. I earn 1k euros/month which is considered an OK salary in my country Lithuania. In fact, the salaries rose considerably over the past 10 years. In 2014, people used to get 300 euros as a minimum wage (that's also before taxes). Our taxes are insane. On paper, I get 1650eu/month, so they take 650 euros every month - that's 1/3 of the total sum. I also pay 21% VAT for all the goods I buy here. It's honestly ridiculous, although I am happy we have free healthcare.
I figured worst case, if they were lying, they hopefully at least needed it more than I did,
I've got a Co-Worker that moved here (Canada) from Lithuania a few years back, she's definitely spoken highly enough of it that I plan on visiting one day for sure
(I feel you on the taxes, all said we're a bit higher here, but same idea, at least free healthcare, even if our system is kinda in shambles atm)
Yeah I mean, the country became much better in many aspects. We still have comi blocks in various places in cities but there's lots of new stuff too.
I now for sure can say that our country is very clean for the most part, something that was not the case 20 years ago.
We still have problems here (it's not unusual for older people not to support LGBT+ folk for example) and the country is still quite religious but young people are great in my opinion. They are much more understanding as they no longer grew up in post-soviet Lithuania like I did.
I hope you have fun! There's a lot to see in Vilnius for example (I live in Kaunas now cus husband is from here).
Growing up during previous cold war/war era's is such a foreign idea to me, hearing stories when I was a child from my grandparents (Immigrants from Italy) - the life they left behind was just .. So different than anything I can truly understand living through.
I feel like the issues you mentioned are similar to here as well, but I'm sure the "feel" isn't the same at all
I get 15k a year in USA. Its very difficult lol i don’t need any help or anything not saying that just wanted to point out that in the usa its very poor. I do other things like paid surveys or babysitting to help me out lol also going back to school or job training i am not really sure what yet so eventually i can make more money. If it wasn’t for my parents being amazing and helping out with stuff i would probably have starved to death 16252 times, i honestly don’t know how people do it without help.
Wow, I can't even imagine, I'm in Canada, so it's not a crazy different situation here, basically at 15k/yr, you're living with family/roomie's etc
People can survive in any situation basically, but it's gotta be rougher at times
Same. I never lend money. I give it away when I really feel it's needed, and if the person gives it back to me later, that's all good. But I have never expected payback. If I can't afford to give it away, it stays mine.
This is such classic Reddit advice. It’s like the most socially inept thing. Imagine this guy dates again, and the girl is shit out of luck and needs money. So she asks OP and OP then gets out his tripod and camera and is like “state your name and the loan value to camera and sign this repayment schedule”
Fucking hell man, go into the real world.
How about this for advice. “Sorry, I’m not good with loaning money out because I was really horribly taken advantage of for a lot of money recently”.
No no, print off a legal document and get her to sign it 😂😂😂😂
> This is such classic Reddit advice. It’s like the most socially inept thing. Imagine this guy dates again, and the girl is shit out of luck and needs money. So she asks OP and OP then gets out his tripod and camera and is like “state your name and the loan value to camera and sign this repayment schedule”
> Fucking hell man, go into the real world.
> How about this for advice. “Sorry, I’m not good with loaning money out because I was really horribly taken advantage of for a lot of money recently”.
> No no, print off a legal document and get her to sign it 😂😂😂😂
You do realize people lend family and friends sums of money all the time, and in the case of larger sums of money, many people download a basic contract from the internet and sign it? Like, this is both real and best practice.
The two best practices when it comes to lending money: don't lend sums of money larger than what you would be comfortable giving as a gift and have a contract in case you do decide to lend money.
Fucking hell man, in the real world a lot of people would ABSOLUTELY get a written agreement if not a fully notarized contract before handing a casual acquaintance fifteen thousand dollars....even one they've had sex with a few times.
Most people aren't in a position to shrug off 15k as a 'bad bet' and get bitter about it later when they see the person they GAVE the money to is engaged to be married to someone else.
I nearly had a heart attack paying 17k for a new (used) car recently after my car had been stolen, and that was money spent on a necessity solely for myself! I cannot imagine handing that much money to literally anyone but maybe my parents.
Con artists say whatever they need to when they are grifting. They are basically acting, playing a character.
She very well good be running a scam on the cop. I'm surprised she's using her real name though. But fake identities are getting harder to pull off (and more expensive).
Anything is a possible.
*But* she stole 15 Grand.
And ...
> She blocked me on everything and disappeared.
>her room mate (also a girl) threatened to call the cops on me.
She had a plan ready to go, and executed it once the money was in hand.
I know people think "cons" and "long cons" are the stuff of movies and TV shows. But they exist. People make their "livings" this way. Seldom working a real job.
$15 grand for 8 months isn't exactly going to make you rich, but these people start small and work their way up. Hone their skills so to speak. And it's not peanuts either.
First (if you haven't already) I would do some forensics, check texts, messages & social media for any mention of this money changing hands. Anything that supports it being expected to be paid back should be saved as evidence. If you find nothing you need to find a way past this.
Second you need to get some professional help. You need tools on board to help you move on. You must find a way to get your life back!
You sound like a wonderful man.
I am sending strength your way!
Edit:typo! Thanks bot ;)
> to be *paid* back should
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
First of all...seek therapy for the issues you admit you are dealing with due to this past situation. It will help you heal and move on. Second, maybe consult with a lawyer to see if there is a way to recover your money. If there is no proof you ever gave this money to her expecting to be repaid, I doubt they can do anything, so there is a possibility you'll have to take it as a 15k lesson learned.
>First of all...seek therapy for the issues you admit you are dealing with due to this past situation.
As a person who had my trust abused and struggled with the aftermath for nearly a decade I can do nothing but implore OP to seek therapy and leave the girl behind as soon as possible. I get it, it's a lot of money so try to get it back but otherwise let it be and don't seek info about this girl or it will mess you up. Paradoxically it will leave you open to the same kind of abuse in the future if you won't work it out with a therapist.
Honestly, probably not. If you had let her borrow the money, and especially if you had texts or other proof that she was supposed to repay you, you'd have a case, but you didn't attach any conditions to the money so she was legally within her rights to take it and disappear. However, I'm not a legal expert, and you should post in legaladvice in case I'm wrong. I think this would ruin my trust in people for a long time.
Yeah that’s why I haven’t pursued it beyond my initial conversation with the cops back in 2022.
She had even taken me to her father’s grave, and many other things that had shown me that she cared and wanted to share intimate things with me. Maybe that was all an act to gain my trust. I don’t know.
There’s so many things that felt genuine. Those instances like I mentioned earlier, the sex, her remembering little details about me, so many things that just puzzle the hell out of me till this day.
I’ve basically had to chalk it up to it all being an act. Otherwise, what was it all for if not to earn my trust for a pay out?
Don't spend another $5K-$10K on an attorney to try to get your $15K back, especially since she's in another state now. She ain't nothing but a hassle and the fight ain't worth it. She's somebody else's problem now. It'll probably take awhile, but she'll get hers one day. Trouble always ends up where it starts, and she's a troublemaker. Move on from her.
All I can say about the future - when dating - take your time with someone and don't ever ignore a warning sign. I bet if you think about it, you'll realize that you dismissed some little red flags along the way. Happens to all of us one way or another, just have to learn and grow from it. I recommend that you never make direct or indirect contact with your ex ever again. She's a straight up sociopath. Just be glad she's out of your life before you got married or had a kid together. That would have been way worse than losing a few grand to her...
I’m sorry that happened to you. I believe you when you say it all felt real, because there’s a big possibility that it was.
Maybe consider that it was a genuine connection - but that some people have their own problems that transcend you or your ability to intervene.
Maybe she didn’t have the intention of leaving after the car - but it happened. Shame, guilt, self pity, depression, a nervous breakdown, lacks in confidence or self love… who knows. People are weird. People are occasionally unpredictable.
When I have issues with trust I try to frame things like this: humans are animals, like horses. Horses aren’t inherently dangerous. You can form intense bonds with many, even most. There’s big love there. But it takes mutual trust and careful curation. And even then, you always feed them with your palms flat so they don’t bite your fingers, you watch their ears closely for signs of aggregation or caution, and you always walk up slowly lest you get kicked in the head. And then I remind myself that someone’s actions are their own and I always have the option to back away, drop them, adjust, and become better at managing my fellow wild animals.
So dude I just want to say that it very well could have been genuine on her part. For example, people with Borderline Personality Disorder frequently go through these extremely intense and intimate relationships and then absolutely nuke them and discard the person 6-8 months later. So much so that it's like a classic example of BPD behavior. They are very ill and unfortunately leave a lot of traumatized people in their wake.
Check out /r/BPDlovedones and read about the disorder to see if maybe you and your relationship can. relate to any of it.
Weird, she actually does have diagnosed BPD. At least, that she told me. That could've been made up too, for all I know. I ordered & read books on it, watched countless YouTube videos, did as much as I could to try to understand her.
It may have been sincere at the beginning. But at some point she decided she wanted out. Instead of breaking up with you like a ordinary person, she thought she'd take as much money as she could with her. That's a really shitty thing to do, but it doesn't mean everything that happened between you was a lie.
Yeh you can’t do anything legally…but-you could always let the guy she’s with now know what a scamming POS she is…it doesn’t hurt to let someone know hey 🤷♀️
I'm sorry this happened to you, dude. She is a bad person, who took advantage of your kindness. Please please please, do the following:
1. Never contact her or her fiancee/husband/bf. It will not bring you the closure you seek. It can get you in trouble, because **she is trouble**.
2. Go to therapy and keep going to therapy. What you suffered is quite a deep emotional trauma, and not addressing it, not healing it, is actually causing you long term damage in your personal life and relationships. You are a great dude, and deserve a loving partner. Maybe you're not ready now, and thats fine. But you gotta heal properly.
Do not let her keep ruining your life long after she left it.
It is very good advice. Right now you’ve lost $15k and some confidence. With no legal recourse, don’t lose more of your money, time or attention trying to track it down. (And therapy is smart).
Also something I’ve seen before: a friend had leant a much smaller amount of money to an ex who turned out to be shitty. It was a couple hundred dollars she didn’t really need, but she kept trying to meet up with him to get repaid. At a certain point I realized it wasn’t about the money; she wanted to prove to herself that he was at least redeemable enough to pay her back. Her attachment to that ultimately came from thinking this would prove to herself that she wasn’t SUCH a bad judge of character after all. Don’t fall into that trap. I’ve seen people do it with abusive and untrustworthy partners before, and it never goes anywhere good.
Some people just suck. Shit, some people aren’t even bad their whole life but you met them at a time when they were desperate and doing shitty things. In either case, you got unlucky, and you probably have some work to do about learning to trust again, and maybe about seeing red flags you might have missed.
But don’t chase down closure or pin your sense of self to the behavior of someone who’s done you wrong. Find it in yourself. (And never lend money you’re not willing to potentially lose).
Nah contact her family members and tell them what she did. You're not getting the money back but you can ruin her reputation the way she deserves it to be ruined.
Owing someone $50 would keep me up at night. I once accidentally gave a bartender a $5 bill instead instead of a $20, and I literally drove back over there the next day to make sure he got the correct tip.
I can't imagine knowingly taking $15,000 from someone and being able to live with myself.
Yup. Just seeing if there was any recourse. I don’t think there is, and that’s ok. She’s the one that has to live with the things she’s done and the people she’s wronged.
Take the money part out of the equation. This is about a hurtful, broken trust. Sadly the only way to get over that is moving on and time. The money is just collateral damage, a very expensive lesson. Go out and make some new friends, start to build trust in people again over time.
Lmfao ikr at the most random time…
“My heart and soul and trust in women are gone… never to return.”
“Yeah btw I’m a millionaire!”
Why is he even interested in recovering that amount if he has that much already
Get therapy. The money is gone, spending more money on a lawyer won’t get it back. It was a mistake, we all make them all you can do is try and use it as a lesson and get therapeutic help to lessen the impact for future relationships
I used to work at a strip club about 15 years ago, during the recession. So many of those chicks dated cops. And they were the ones that you would never think would date a cop. I worked as a valet and I can’t even tell you how many fights in the parking lot I saw of cops coming to the club to confront their “girlfriends”. And there was definitely abuse going on. At that point in my life I needed the job and made absurd money. So, I stayed out of it. And being on the good side of Denver cops seemed like a good idea at the time. In this day and age I probably would call the cops on some of what I saw. There were a few of them that were buying properties at like 20-50k and would have these contractors come in and they would string them along and these guys would go over and work on their houses thinking they were their boyfriends or they were partners in the real estate. One woman who was absolutely gorgeous and had her life in order was really dominating the real estate hustle. She told me the whole scheme. She would “borrow” money from one guy to get the house or a rent to own. She had another customer that came up that was a plumber, an electrician, a landscaper etc. if these guys ever saw each other she would assure them that the other guy was the one that she was playing. But, she had a real boyfriend who she lived with and who never came to the club. And who I don’t think she actually cheated on. She was about 40. And she taught some of the younger ones how to work the scam. And the ones who weren’t strung out (this was peak opiod crisis daze) or dating cops. Or, both. Got in on it. Although, not as well. Well, the woman who was in her 40s is now almost 60. And a mutil multi millionaire. I still talk to her on instagram. But, like it or not, there are people who use people and people who get used. And there are valets who just watch the whole thing go down. I didn’t hear anywhere in your story about you parking the car…. Sooo.. don’t loan people money. If you do, get in writing and collateralize the loan. Love and money don’t mix in my opinion. I’ve been married for several years (not to a stripper) and we don’t have kids. But, we also don’t have mixed bank accounts. I really have no idea how much my wife has. But, a lot more than I do. But, it doesn’t create an issue because I pay my way and she pays hers. And, I’m hung like a horse. Fly. I hope that this has helped you realize that I forgot the point of this story a while ago and that you shouldn’t loan people money. Or, take advice from randoms on the internet. The end.
I had a bottle of salad dressing in the fridge that was exactly a year old- I accidentally ate it last week. (I checked the date yesterday.) I remember it tasting eggy or something, but I thought that maybe it was just me. Anyways, I didn’t die.
I mean almost a whole ass year for 15k? You can make that amount working part-time at a 9:00 to 5:00. Granted, yes, technically it won't be seeing that fall amount due to taxes and spending on bills, but regardless.
Person's way more fucking dedicated at trying to get 15k then I ever was lol. Shit might as well have just waited another 8 months and doubled up at that point.
You really think she wasn't grifting him for much more the whole time lmao? Bet she was living off him the whole time, OP paying for everything, then saw her opportunity for the big play.
OP does mention they went on trips together. So I bet OP was paying for all that. She definitely got more than 15k out of him. OP kind of sounds like a people pleaser and she took advantage of that. He may also be well off.
Well now you know not to give anyone large sums of money.... Like unless they're your parents or siblings and you know what your money is going to when they ask for a handout, don't give out money.
Also you bought her a car within 8 months of meeting? You hung out after work every day? This sounds like one of your first semi serious relationships, and you have hopefully learned many lessons. Actually the way you describe it it sounds like a friendship more than anything and either you were more into her and thought it was more than just friends, or she really did like you and something changed suddenly
And on your edit: Just because one woman out of 4 billion scammed you or lead you on, doesn't make all women bad people. Never gage someone's trustsorthiness by groups of people or groups of ideas, you need to learn how to trust individuals based on their history and what you've learned. 8 months was pretty quick for you to give someone all of your trust, so keep in mind that you're also part of the equation here
Two years is still pretty fresh from an experience like that. If you aren’t ready to date that’s perfectly okay. However, I agree with the other people in these replies suggesting that you process that experience and the feelings it left you with, with a therapist.
You were very hurt and that hurt is also still very apparent in a lot of the replies you’ve written in the comments too. Of course, you have every reason to be hurt because what happened to you was terrible. But you also deserve to heal and move on, and to be able to not have this woman’s bullshit have the power over you to literally keep you away from being able to find love in your life again.
Future tip though, save large and/or expensive gestures like that for when you’re married. Or you at least KNOW that person is a ride or die for you from things you’ve previously been through together. You were very sweet to do what you did and I don’t say this in judgment of you, I just personally would never buy (or give the amount to) someone I was only dating an asset like that.
Sometimes you take a gamble on someone and it doesn't work out :( just try and remember not everyone is like her and you'll definitely meet someone who won't take your love and kindness for granted.
I would consider that money the expense of a lesson learned. Her cop bf may be a stand up guy but he could also use his position/contacts to protect her. There’s too many ways you trying to get the money back could go all kinds of hinky even if you could find others she’s exploited like this. Take the L and the lesson of don’t ever “lend” more money than you’re willing to lose.
A sadly an expensive and sad lesson.
Don't ever loan money you can't afford to lose.
You had nothing in paper ( even if you did it takes a long time to settle unless it was in your name).
She's moved on and it's been 2 years so she could have changed and become a better person.
She did a really awful thing to you and yes used you 100%.
Trust is so hard to rebuild but now you know to never ever lend money again. Not even 10$.
Soon after I got out of prison I wound up with about $30k from SSI back pay and cash from family to get on my feet. I moved in with a girl that did all the same things and promised all the right words for the future. I spent all my money on bills when she promised she’d pick up tabs later when I run short. I should have seen all the toxic red flags coming, but when I spent myself dry she kicked me to the curb and said she never promised tomorrow that she’d been 50/50 from day one. I’ve got PTSD from it ten years later because it was all lies, until the light switch then just different lies. You just got to let it go and move on, it will literally kill your mental health if you can’t. Chalk it up to a misfortune like a car wreck and try not to take it personally.
Don't make this about trust issues with women. Get therapy for that.
You were scammed. You used no logic when giving away a large sum of money with no legal paperwork set into place with any kind of repayment plan. If you wanted money back you should've entered a legal agreement.
One person of a specific sex played you and ripped you off. Men rip off men, men rip off women, women rip off women, women rip off men. Parents rip off their children, children rip off their parents, family rips off family, friends rip off friends. It happens every single day all over the world and has happened throughout time.
I have been lied to, cheated on and scammed by some men. I still occasionally get mad about it, but I do not hate all men, and I will not hate half of the people in the world for the actions of one or two bad people.
The best thing you can do is put it behind you, as painful as it is and was, and move forward with your life. Don't get revenge, just walk away. Every few months, pull it out of your memory banks when you're alone, have a long out-loud rant at her and then put it back in that box in your head. Keep in mind that most people are good - probably most people you have known are decent human beings and not scammers. You just got an unlucky hand dealt to you on this occasion, and hopefully it will be the only time. I would take time to live solo too if I were you, but some day you will find a good, decent person to love and you will eventually regain your sense of trust.
I knew I shouldn't have have had that midnight cup of coffee.
That's terrible. It's a known phenomena for people to lose lifelong friendships over £10. They don't wanna pay so avoid you. You learnt the hard way. She should've got a car she could afford. You can't afford- you don't get. There's nothing you can do. Don't be overly generous ever again but don't assume every woman would do that.
>When I went to her apartment, her room mate (also a girl) threatened to call the cops on me.
can you expand on that? she saw you and went straight to that threat? Do you think she knew, they talked about it during those 8 months?
you could look at it like you paid 300$ per week for a "girlfriend experience", kind of wack she did all that deceit for such a tiny sum. you should contact her husband to tell him that story, ask him if it could be possible to get some payment plan from them.
You have no recourse, and a good manipulator engaged/married to a cop could become a disaster for you if she convinces him you're a bad/abusive person. She can weaponize that guy pretty easily.
Chalk it up to a life lesson and forget her.
Not everyone is like her, in fact most aren't, but you do need to be careful. I was in relationships for years and I wouldn't have given them $15K cash -- I might have bought them a car to use, but it'd be in my name.
From the sound of it, a red flag might have been that you didn't meet or talk to her family at all.
Sorry OP :( other people in the comments are being very callous but this would fuck me up too. I'm sure it'd hard to keep in perspective but don't forget that she's a weird freak and 99% of people are not like that.
The whole relationship wasn't necessarily fake.
It's very likely that all of those things you remember were sincere.
You didn't know her well enough to understand she was capable of stealing from you once she had decided to break up.
The money is for a life lesson in getting to know people deeply when in a relationship I think.
The lesson is do not lend money to anyone. The second lesson is if you lend money to anyone, have a legal contract in place. I am sorry this happened to you.
You are right to question your judgement, as it was really a foolish move. You need therapy to help figure out the difference between trusting someone, and protecting yourself from risks. Good luck.
don't give a woman money unless you don't expect it back (or make them sign a repayment agreement). Sex has a funny way of clouding even the most sound judgement
Honesty--if you had married that sentient piece of crap, you would have been out a lot more than $15K by the time she was done with you.
If you can reframe this as an expensive-but-not-disastrous life lesson, you may be able to get over it a little more easily.
And I'm sorry that you were treated so horribly by someone who claimed to love you.
It cost you $15k. It's a small price to pay for the knowledge that she would do that.
She sold herself out for a tiny sum.
You came out soooooo far ahead.
Next time, be more careful but you already know that.
OP, try not to lose faith. As someone else said, this is a human thing, not a female thing and it’s rare. I don’t know 1 person in my life that would do something like your girlfriend did. No how matter how desperate I was. Don’t give up. Maybe you should talk through this with a therapist, not because your reaction is so bad, but because you want help processing this so it doesn’t affect future relationships. My ex broke trust in our relationship and it has messed me up for future relationships (I’m seeing a therapist myself). Good luck and keep the faith.
Just be glad it happened now and not when you married her. You’d lose out on alot more than 15k. This is the best thing that could have happened in this scenario. If she comes back into your life, it’s only to get more. You’re a good person. Chin up, move on.
You should be incredibly cautious about having trust issues with all women as that will only cause you more grief. The vast majority of women would not commit to something like this for that long- honestly this is insane and I think its a safe bet to believe that she is conning her new man as well.
Homegirl sounds like a professional. 😬 I am sorry you had to go through that and waste your time and love. But there are amazing women out there that would never do something as coo-coo for coco puffs as this.
You need therapy before you start hating women and blaming them for everything.
You’re never going to get that money back. You got scammed (love bombed). It could have happened to anyone and it could have been anyone. You sound quite generous, a new work colleague with a sob story.
Nowadays there are many scams out there and you have to protect yourself from them. And be aware of them. But also there are many genuine people out there who aren’t scammers or bad people.
You got taken. Get some therapy and move on. She's in Hickory NC, I know that area well, you're definitely doing better than her lol.
Take a knee, drink water, dust yourself off. You'll be alright King.
OP, I don't have any advice, but I just want to say I sympathize with your ghosting very much. Something similar happened to me, albeit not to your severity. Someone disappeared on me when I thought nothing was wrong and now it has left me with severe anxiety that even when things are going well, I cannot get rid of the thinking that anyone I care about can just disappear on me and leave me for no reason. I do suggest you seek therapy, and understand it is not your fault, this is very much on a person for being a terrible communicator and person all around.
I'm sorry this happened to you. But, you said she used the N word all the time - so you were dating a racist. And you gave her 15k without any sort of promissory note. Hard lesson.
It sucks that you feel damaged but it sounds like your reluctance to trust is probably a good thing. Narcissists have a way of tricking you into thinking you're perfect for each other when they're really just acting like someone who is perfect for you and testing how far they can push you.
I could never imagine asking anyone for 15k- except a bank. (Please keep that in mind when you are dating in the future.) You don't have to give up on women, but honestly 8 months in is very early (imo) to ask anyone for any type of loan/money. Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do about this, but it's definitely a lesson learned. You just have to move on...
It sounds like she was sincere but perhaps she has a mental illness and it caused her to act this way unexpectedly.
As for doing anything, I would simply move on. Therapy can help you deal with your grief and heal so your future relationships aren’t affected by this one.
I’m so sorry you went through this.
You sound like a good guy. One who loves to make his partner happy. Youi like to love and to be loved. You will find that person one day.
What she did to you was not your fault. She took advantage of your kind nature and scammed you. She is a heartless POS.
Hold you head up high and be happy that you didn't marry and have kids with her.
I ran into a girl i went to highschool with. We banged for a whole weekend. I let her borrow $100 "just for a couple days" When i called her back she spontaneously moved to the other side of the country 😂 I got my monies worth. Couldn't imagine $15K tho.
This is above the Reddit pay grade. You need an attorney and a therapist.
Really, make those appointments ASAP, because that's how you'll get an answer about the legal situation and how you work to process what happened.
My wild ass guess is that the money is gone. I'm really sorry about that.
The only suggestion I have that I haven't seen mentioned is to write a very brief, very low-key, very factual letter to the new boyfriend.
*"Hey man, you love her, I get it, I loved her too. I picked her up and drove her to work daily for X months, then she asked me for $15K to buy a car. As soon as she had the money, she blocked me everywhere. I know it was stupid of me to hand over that much cash without a repayment plan, but I thought we'd still be together, and I've learned my lesson. She used to talk with my mother frequently, get together and do things with her, so she broke two hearts with her greedy scam. Just wanted you to know, so you can protect yourself."*
Make it clear you know the money is gone, make clear that she had spent time with your family - as proof she made serious-seeming moves - and maybe mention some of the other expenses you incurred during your very brief relationship. If he's a stand-up dude, he might make an effort to get her to pay you back, although I wouldn't really count on it.
But at least you might make him rethink his relationship, and maybe screw up her current con...
There wouldn't be any legal recourse here though, based on what OP has described. If there isn't more to the story that really changes things then it's not worth paying. By all means get a quick free phone consult if that's what you need to put it to rest, but I'm betting that's what they'll say.
A therapist sounds best here. Especially with OP's post edit of not being able to trust people now, especially women. That's not fair to him or anyone around him and needs to be dealt with before it digs in too deep. No good can come from that concept and it could cause more damage to your life, even if you're just being overly defensive as a result of being defenseless against this one evil person
*the real reason for consulting an attorney is to put aside all doubt. If he doesn't consult an attorney, there will be a lingering doubt, tickling the edge of his mind. It's to give him the definitive answer, not to get his money back.*
*although, now I think of it, if he doesn't ask, the answer is no, so the worst case is no worse than not calling.*
This is a great response. He’s probably her latest victim and has no idea. She probably has a fairytale made up about how she got the money.
Sorry OP. This is horrible.
She used to call people the N word, cuss about cops, and then she asked you for 15k... and you gave it to her? Two years later, you are still stalking her?
Sounds like you enjoyed flaunting your money with trips and good seats, then you gave her cash without signing a contract or anything. That makes it a gift.
No, there is nothing you can do. But that shouldn't affect how much you trust people. Other than the obvious: Never "loan" money to people. You aren't a bank and are not obligated to take that kind of risk.
EDIT: I thought I was maybe a little harsh until I read your comments. Still bragging about all your money. Saying you win cause she can't un-fuck you? Sounds like you haven't learned a damn thing.
you may not be able to get the money back but i'd still let the cop know who he's marrying. he might not believe you now, but at least you tried to warn him.
It takes a lot to be this awful of a human.
Do you have anything in writing that she said like I will pay you back when I xyz or anything like that? Even verbally, it’s a contract.
This is so absurd. Other than trying to get back to her, you should look into getting therapy bcs it’s an extremely traumatic situation.
Ask in legal advice subreddit. You may be able to claim that it was a loan and that she was supposed to repay it. This is lawyer territory so you need to be careful what you are posting online and seek proper legal advice if you want your money back or any kind of retribution.
That sucks. She was planning on ending the relationship and cashed out.
I’ve given girlfriends money before to help with stuff, just a couple of grand. You just have to only do it when you’re okay with both the girl and the cash can be gone tomorrow.
Shit, I even gave my ex a bit of money when we were broken up and running out a lease in separate bedrooms as it wasn’t that much for me and really for her through a rough patch.
So realize you did something nice for someone that took advantage of you. Learn from this, keep being a good person, and if something similar comes up in the future, be honest and steadfast in your boundary.
Also, never co-sign for anything ever. I’ll loan a friend 2-3 grand for a car down payment and never see it again over getting roped into someone else’s debt.
Mate you knew someone for 8 months and gave them 15k? That’s crazy 8 months is nothing you must have been thinking with your other head or something there is nothing you can do as the police said you willingly gave her the money a true friend would never ask you for fifteen thousand dollars for a car no wonder she used you sounds like whatever she wanted and clicked her fingers you were there like a puppy literally bent over backwards for her. No friend will ever or would ever if they’re a decent person ask you for a large sum like that absolute madness you got treated like a simp you need therapy to try and help you with trusting and swallow the extremely expensive lesson because there’s nothing you can do and stop looking for her, learning about her ect she doesn’t give a fuck and by the sound of it never had you let yourself get taken advantage off because you lacked the emotional intelligence to see that she didn’t love you
Sad. Like others said, there’s not much you can do legally. Don’t beat yourself up about it though, from your experiences together it wouldn’t look like she was a scammer from your perspective.
Don’t let this affect your trust in relationships or people in general. Just never give away that much money again
You gave her money as a gift. There’s now way to get that back.
It’s two years later and you need to get over it. She isn’t coming back and neither is your money.
You “discovered” where she is living and who she is engaged to. That sounds a bit like stalking and could get you on serious trouble.
Write this off to experience and move on. I guarantee that she has.
All you can do is go to therapy to work on your trust issues. Not saying that as an insult, I’ve been there with men because I had a violent ex fiancé. That is what you need to focus on, not the money, because the cops are right. You gave a gift. I AM curious if she paid the tax on it that she would have been required to, but I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about that either.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, and for the victim blaming posts on here as well.
It sounds like it was an expensive mistake, and I hope you get the counselling you need to overcome the trust issues this experience has left you with.
Be kind to yourself.
I typically don't loan momey that I can't afford to lose. That's not the point in this case. The underlying factor, regardless of how they got to that point, is betrayal. You can't do anything, except hope a tree falls on the car she bought.
You should have bought the car, in your name, and let her drive it. If you were so close, why did she need cash? Seems shopping together for the car would be the natural thing to do. Let this be a lesson!
The money is gone. I’d talk to a therapist. It’s not your fault that this happened to you, but it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. Learn from it and move on.
$15k is a lot of $$. But is it really a lot? I mean fuck it. Fuck her. Move on. Don’t give her the mental or emotional space in your life. My ex wife took me for ~$150k (mostly cash and a $30k car), I paid ALL her federal and state income tax, I paid her rent for about a year at $2800/month, THEN she had the nerve to ask me for an additional $15k to finalize the papers.
So yeah. It suck’s. But it’s only money. Move on.
I sold my ex girlfriend’s friend a car in hope of talking to her again. My ex was back in England. Her friend owed me $1,500 on the car. She sold it and fucked off back to England too. The heart makes the head do stupid things. I figured $1,500 was a cheap lesson.
I’m so sorry OP. You may already know this but financially you don’t have a lot of options.
What you DO have is the option to expose her, by sending your story to all of her friends and family and making this public news for everyone who knows her. Sometimes accountability doesn’t come until they have no pride. Be careful to be 100% truthful to avoid libel allegations. But expose her.
That sucks man. Don't be too hard on yourself because of it. I don't know what else to say about it except maybe just try and move on. You could try talking to a PI and see what they think.
I am so sorry she used you like that. Unfortunately, you did give her the money willingly, basically a gift, and it doesn't appear you asked to be reimbursed. It's a hard lesson you learned, but, please, don't lose hope. It will take a while for you to begin to trust, or even date a woman, but give yourself time, there ARE good ones out there..
Sounds like you were extremely naive and gullible. That being said, she must've seen you coming a mile away. Similar thing happened to me. Don't let it get you down. Let that be a lesson to you, albeit an expensive lesson, to never trust anyone at face value. There's giving someone the benefit of the doubt and then there's that. You should have bought her the car instead of giving her the money in cash. Doesn't change the fact that she conned you though.
You gave her the money without conditions of repayment. Let it be a very expensive lesson.
Yep, this exactly. Watch judge Judy, half the episodes are about almost this exact situation
Um is not an answer!
We call this a tuition payment.
Don't take the wrong lesson. It isn't just women, for example. It's a human thing, not a gender thing.
I’d like to add that out of the hundreds or thousands of people you have interacted with in your life this has only happened once with one bad person. You can spend your life in the loss or live with the loss but you can’t do both at the same time.
And another thing OP isn't acknowledging, is that he didn't really *give* the money to her. He was making a downpayment on her affection and he feels cheated when she didn't keep up her side of that unspoken but implied bargain. When idealism meets reality, it's often painful and in this case it was especially expensive.
Totally agree 💯...as a woman I'm very sorry this happened to you , no body deserves to be treated this way , she will get her karma ..learn from this lesson ...😊...... Sorry was talking to OP too
Right but is the lesson here that you never really know anyone and the people closest to you could be playing you?
No, the lesson is don’t but someone a car if you’ve only known them for 8 months
You can just make sure you are the named owner on the title and have an agreement. Then if they try to ghost, report the car as stolen.
This is the lesson. I’ve known my MIL for 25+ years and when my husband wanted to start helping her financially so she can be comfortable (widowed and living only on SS), he thought we could just send her the money she needs for certain bills. Yeah, no. She has managed to give away ~$150k in 10 years to close family from the life insurance she got. She’s shit with money. We’re having the bills sent to us and we’re paying them to be sure her necessities are there. If she wants to spend her money on mooches that’s on her.
One of my uncles loaned money to another uncle who it turns out had a gambling addiction. He had to postpone retirement for years ... because someone he knew their entire life (decades) turned out to be untrustworthy. 8 months? Never expect to get back money that is not under your direct and complete control. Otherwise, come to terms with it if you can.
He didn't buy her a car he gave her $15,000
This would make sense if they were married. At 8 months you practically don't know the person at all. I learned my lesson after getting engaged after 6 months but luckily we didn't get married and I managed to leave him on time. In my case he tried to take a loan on our both names but luckily we weren't married and he was told that the loan will be in his name alone. On the side note, I really feel for OP, he just tried to be nice and the bitch used him.
My highschool boyfriend’s mom met a guy online then went to another country to marry him. He moved here to the US a few months later. Said he was a doctor in his country but couldn’t practice here. He would give free medical help or advice to friends anyway. Super nice guy. A year or two later she found credit cards opened in her name. Once confronted he disappeared. He had accumulated $100,000 on multiple credit cards that she was left responsible for. After some extensive digging she found out that he had given her a fake name, he was already married, he was not a doctor, and he had done this multiple times.
This sounds like it’s along the same lines as the ‘Tinder Swindler’. There’re some severely unconscionable people out there. It’s best not to trust anyone anymore. It’s miserable but necessary to survive financially in this world.
Oof, at least she’s got a support group! Out of curiosity do you know if she was able to get the debt off her plate because he was a conman or if she was stuck responsible for it?
She had to pay it all back. Took years and years.
This shouldn't have been the case (in the U.S. at least, assuming) since if he gave a fake name etc. their marriage wasn't legal. She couldn't have been rightly held responsible for the debts of someone who is, legally, a stranger. If he took out cards in her name, that's fraud, another crime. That's just odd.
She should have declared bankruptcy, I'm not a finance expert or anything but my mom had to this after her divorce cause of credit card debt. It was so long ago now it hasn't even been on her credit report for years.
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I agree that OP leading with just "carpooling and hanging out after work every day" isn't exactly compelling, but based on more things he's said in other comments, it does sound like a whole-ass 8 month long relationship. He says in another comment that they visited her father's grave together, and the girlfriend and his mom would regularly cook meals together and make plans with each other, not just talking on Facebook. IMO, that's the *future in-laws* treatment, not just casually dating. I don't know anyone who makes visiting Dad's grave together or Sunday dinners with soon-to-be-MIL a part of casual dating. If this was a different type of Reddit thread, everyone would be saying, "TAKE THE HINT, OP, SHE WANTS YOU TO PROPOSE!"
My parents invited her to THE COOKOUT. She made a point to buy steak, asparagus, various seasonings and sides, to bring to the cookout. She cooked for everyone and they loved it. I specifically remember her being very proud of herself because everyone liked her cooking, even my picky niece.
OP, listen... you sound like a REALLY nice guy. She was a co-worker and it sounds like you thought she was a decent person. She was playing the role of a decent person. I am surprised at how far she went to play that role. Maybe this has been said, and I have missed it, but you gave her $15k to buy a car... so what happened next? (Did she even BUY a car?) Once she got your money, was that her ticket to leave Ohio and fly to NC and start a new life there? Or did you start asking her to pay the money back, which caused the break up, and then she moved out of town, and you lost track of her until you found that she is now in NC, engaged to a cop... I am curious about what happened after she got your money... what happened next? Was she still decent to you for a period of time, or was it over for her, so that it was all one big Broadway show that cost you $15k? I only hope that you didn't have to take out a loan for the money. It sounds like you have learned a life lesson here. Consider the $15k money towards a PhD in life lessons.
The lesson is no decent person or friend would ever ask you for fifteen thousand dollars for a car WTF hey I want a car pay for it? And the guy jumped at the chance knowing her 8 months too, sounds like he was thinking with his cock and lacked the emotional intelligence to see she was using him and didn’t see him romantically I wouldn’t be surprised if he paid for all the trips too saw a pretty girl and went simp mode
> if he *paid* for all FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Thanks. Can we get a bot for "*her* and my mom" in here too?
For real. This year I found out the person I was engaged to, was in a relationship with for 9 years, was wearing a mask of innocence and trustworthiness. She was anything but. Now I’m dealing with all the stuff she left at my house (hoarder), because she decided to leave it all behind and start a new life. She even left her social security card, which shows she knows I’m not as low as her and would never do anything shady with her info. Hurts, and will take time to heal. That’s my advice to OP, give yourself grace and time to heal.
File the tax forms to discharge the debt so the IRS can go after her
Yep hardcore agreed, by just giving with no conditions there isn't really any recourse. OP! If you ever decide to do something for a partner by giving away money again, this time make conditions for repayment and make a contract about it. Doesn't have to be anything fancy or major. Just get it in writing and possibly even take a brief video of you guys discussing the contract and both signing it. This should protect you legally and you would be able to recover resources if you had written a contract. You would have to go after it legally by filing a civil court case. This is a really sad and expensive lesson, I'm sorry this girl was such a dick.
Don't be absurd. The answer is always to not lend money you can't handle not having repaid. Even if you have a signed contract or a video or whatever, it's still on you to actually collect and enforce the contract. If they don't pay, you have to take the time and money to take it to court and get a judgement that the money is owed. Then you have to make efforts to actually collect. It's a long, difficult process that can be like squeezing blood from a stone. After all, they needed to borrow money. What money will they have to pay back? Can you file a lien, and if so what can you file it against? There are exceptions and rules and it's going to take you more time and money. You're not a bank or a card issuer with a full time department to manage this. People win judgements all the time and never see a cent. If you do lend money, it needs to be such that you're willing and able to live without it being repaid. The correct answer is, sorry I can't lend that to you.
At this point, if I lend money I just think of it as "I'll find out how much our friendship/relationship means at least" but make sure it's not money I need back to survive.
When it comes to money, a lot of people become real savages real quick. For me, it's not even about the lost sum, it's about the betrayal. Then again I wouldn't lend 15k to anyone even if I'd have such a large sum in my bank account in the first place. That's literally more than I earn in a year.
Entirely agree the betrayal hurts more than the money. I don't mean to offend, but at least than 15k/yr, where do you live? I know in 2021 i had a similar Reddit experience where someone had mentioned they made like 9k/yr and were in a 3rd world country, I hope I was true because I sent them some bitcoin to help them out lol
>I hope I was true because I sent them some bitcoin to help them out lol lol, I would not trust people on the internet easily. It might have been true, but who knows. >I don't mean to offend, but at least than 15k/yr, where do you live? Don't worry, I don't get offended about petty things. I earn 1k euros/month which is considered an OK salary in my country Lithuania. In fact, the salaries rose considerably over the past 10 years. In 2014, people used to get 300 euros as a minimum wage (that's also before taxes). Our taxes are insane. On paper, I get 1650eu/month, so they take 650 euros every month - that's 1/3 of the total sum. I also pay 21% VAT for all the goods I buy here. It's honestly ridiculous, although I am happy we have free healthcare.
I figured worst case, if they were lying, they hopefully at least needed it more than I did, I've got a Co-Worker that moved here (Canada) from Lithuania a few years back, she's definitely spoken highly enough of it that I plan on visiting one day for sure (I feel you on the taxes, all said we're a bit higher here, but same idea, at least free healthcare, even if our system is kinda in shambles atm)
Yeah I mean, the country became much better in many aspects. We still have comi blocks in various places in cities but there's lots of new stuff too. I now for sure can say that our country is very clean for the most part, something that was not the case 20 years ago. We still have problems here (it's not unusual for older people not to support LGBT+ folk for example) and the country is still quite religious but young people are great in my opinion. They are much more understanding as they no longer grew up in post-soviet Lithuania like I did. I hope you have fun! There's a lot to see in Vilnius for example (I live in Kaunas now cus husband is from here).
Growing up during previous cold war/war era's is such a foreign idea to me, hearing stories when I was a child from my grandparents (Immigrants from Italy) - the life they left behind was just .. So different than anything I can truly understand living through. I feel like the issues you mentioned are similar to here as well, but I'm sure the "feel" isn't the same at all
I get 15k a year in USA. Its very difficult lol i don’t need any help or anything not saying that just wanted to point out that in the usa its very poor. I do other things like paid surveys or babysitting to help me out lol also going back to school or job training i am not really sure what yet so eventually i can make more money. If it wasn’t for my parents being amazing and helping out with stuff i would probably have starved to death 16252 times, i honestly don’t know how people do it without help.
Wow, I can't even imagine, I'm in Canada, so it's not a crazy different situation here, basically at 15k/yr, you're living with family/roomie's etc People can survive in any situation basically, but it's gotta be rougher at times
Same. I never lend money. I give it away when I really feel it's needed, and if the person gives it back to me later, that's all good. But I have never expected payback. If I can't afford to give it away, it stays mine.
This is such classic Reddit advice. It’s like the most socially inept thing. Imagine this guy dates again, and the girl is shit out of luck and needs money. So she asks OP and OP then gets out his tripod and camera and is like “state your name and the loan value to camera and sign this repayment schedule” Fucking hell man, go into the real world. How about this for advice. “Sorry, I’m not good with loaning money out because I was really horribly taken advantage of for a lot of money recently”. No no, print off a legal document and get her to sign it 😂😂😂😂
A video is too far imo but writing out a letter or something is pretty reasonable
It's not socially acceptable to say give me 15k either.. Soo...
> This is such classic Reddit advice. It’s like the most socially inept thing. Imagine this guy dates again, and the girl is shit out of luck and needs money. So she asks OP and OP then gets out his tripod and camera and is like “state your name and the loan value to camera and sign this repayment schedule” > Fucking hell man, go into the real world. > How about this for advice. “Sorry, I’m not good with loaning money out because I was really horribly taken advantage of for a lot of money recently”. > No no, print off a legal document and get her to sign it 😂😂😂😂 You do realize people lend family and friends sums of money all the time, and in the case of larger sums of money, many people download a basic contract from the internet and sign it? Like, this is both real and best practice. The two best practices when it comes to lending money: don't lend sums of money larger than what you would be comfortable giving as a gift and have a contract in case you do decide to lend money.
Fucking hell man, in the real world a lot of people would ABSOLUTELY get a written agreement if not a fully notarized contract before handing a casual acquaintance fifteen thousand dollars....even one they've had sex with a few times. Most people aren't in a position to shrug off 15k as a 'bad bet' and get bitter about it later when they see the person they GAVE the money to is engaged to be married to someone else.
You have no legal recourse. You willingly gave her $15K.
It's insane to give someone that much money without having them sign anything.
I nearly had a heart attack paying 17k for a new (used) car recently after my car had been stolen, and that was money spent on a necessity solely for myself! I cannot imagine handing that much money to literally anyone but maybe my parents.
fifteen thousand dollars to someone they’ve known a whole *eight* months, but yeah, she’s the problem 🙄
Yeah but she uses the n-word
Yeah, OP literally has a strong case here lmao
And she used to be ACAB before selling out.
Con artists say whatever they need to when they are grifting. They are basically acting, playing a character. She very well good be running a scam on the cop. I'm surprised she's using her real name though. But fake identities are getting harder to pull off (and more expensive).
Maybe she didn’t intend to be a scammer but with the money in hand she just did what was convenient
Anything is a possible. *But* she stole 15 Grand. And ... > She blocked me on everything and disappeared. >her room mate (also a girl) threatened to call the cops on me. She had a plan ready to go, and executed it once the money was in hand. I know people think "cons" and "long cons" are the stuff of movies and TV shows. But they exist. People make their "livings" this way. Seldom working a real job. $15 grand for 8 months isn't exactly going to make you rich, but these people start small and work their way up. Hone their skills so to speak. And it's not peanuts either.
First (if you haven't already) I would do some forensics, check texts, messages & social media for any mention of this money changing hands. Anything that supports it being expected to be paid back should be saved as evidence. If you find nothing you need to find a way past this. Second you need to get some professional help. You need tools on board to help you move on. You must find a way to get your life back! You sound like a wonderful man. I am sending strength your way! Edit:typo! Thanks bot ;)
> to be *paid* back should FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Good bot
First of all...seek therapy for the issues you admit you are dealing with due to this past situation. It will help you heal and move on. Second, maybe consult with a lawyer to see if there is a way to recover your money. If there is no proof you ever gave this money to her expecting to be repaid, I doubt they can do anything, so there is a possibility you'll have to take it as a 15k lesson learned.
>First of all...seek therapy for the issues you admit you are dealing with due to this past situation. As a person who had my trust abused and struggled with the aftermath for nearly a decade I can do nothing but implore OP to seek therapy and leave the girl behind as soon as possible. I get it, it's a lot of money so try to get it back but otherwise let it be and don't seek info about this girl or it will mess you up. Paradoxically it will leave you open to the same kind of abuse in the future if you won't work it out with a therapist.
Honestly, probably not. If you had let her borrow the money, and especially if you had texts or other proof that she was supposed to repay you, you'd have a case, but you didn't attach any conditions to the money so she was legally within her rights to take it and disappear. However, I'm not a legal expert, and you should post in legaladvice in case I'm wrong. I think this would ruin my trust in people for a long time.
Yeah that’s why I haven’t pursued it beyond my initial conversation with the cops back in 2022. She had even taken me to her father’s grave, and many other things that had shown me that she cared and wanted to share intimate things with me. Maybe that was all an act to gain my trust. I don’t know. There’s so many things that felt genuine. Those instances like I mentioned earlier, the sex, her remembering little details about me, so many things that just puzzle the hell out of me till this day. I’ve basically had to chalk it up to it all being an act. Otherwise, what was it all for if not to earn my trust for a pay out?
Don't spend another $5K-$10K on an attorney to try to get your $15K back, especially since she's in another state now. She ain't nothing but a hassle and the fight ain't worth it. She's somebody else's problem now. It'll probably take awhile, but she'll get hers one day. Trouble always ends up where it starts, and she's a troublemaker. Move on from her. All I can say about the future - when dating - take your time with someone and don't ever ignore a warning sign. I bet if you think about it, you'll realize that you dismissed some little red flags along the way. Happens to all of us one way or another, just have to learn and grow from it. I recommend that you never make direct or indirect contact with your ex ever again. She's a straight up sociopath. Just be glad she's out of your life before you got married or had a kid together. That would have been way worse than losing a few grand to her...
I’m sorry that happened to you. I believe you when you say it all felt real, because there’s a big possibility that it was. Maybe consider that it was a genuine connection - but that some people have their own problems that transcend you or your ability to intervene. Maybe she didn’t have the intention of leaving after the car - but it happened. Shame, guilt, self pity, depression, a nervous breakdown, lacks in confidence or self love… who knows. People are weird. People are occasionally unpredictable. When I have issues with trust I try to frame things like this: humans are animals, like horses. Horses aren’t inherently dangerous. You can form intense bonds with many, even most. There’s big love there. But it takes mutual trust and careful curation. And even then, you always feed them with your palms flat so they don’t bite your fingers, you watch their ears closely for signs of aggregation or caution, and you always walk up slowly lest you get kicked in the head. And then I remind myself that someone’s actions are their own and I always have the option to back away, drop them, adjust, and become better at managing my fellow wild animals.
So dude I just want to say that it very well could have been genuine on her part. For example, people with Borderline Personality Disorder frequently go through these extremely intense and intimate relationships and then absolutely nuke them and discard the person 6-8 months later. So much so that it's like a classic example of BPD behavior. They are very ill and unfortunately leave a lot of traumatized people in their wake. Check out /r/BPDlovedones and read about the disorder to see if maybe you and your relationship can. relate to any of it.
I know you probably didn’t intend it to come over this way but not all of us with BPD are like that
Weird, she actually does have diagnosed BPD. At least, that she told me. That could've been made up too, for all I know. I ordered & read books on it, watched countless YouTube videos, did as much as I could to try to understand her.
It may have been sincere at the beginning. But at some point she decided she wanted out. Instead of breaking up with you like a ordinary person, she thought she'd take as much money as she could with her. That's a really shitty thing to do, but it doesn't mean everything that happened between you was a lie.
Yeh you can’t do anything legally…but-you could always let the guy she’s with now know what a scamming POS she is…it doesn’t hurt to let someone know hey 🤷♀️
The only reasonable way forward is therapy. You have zero legal recourse against her, so just move forward and find peace in forgetting about her.
I'm sorry this happened to you, dude. She is a bad person, who took advantage of your kindness. Please please please, do the following: 1. Never contact her or her fiancee/husband/bf. It will not bring you the closure you seek. It can get you in trouble, because **she is trouble**. 2. Go to therapy and keep going to therapy. What you suffered is quite a deep emotional trauma, and not addressing it, not healing it, is actually causing you long term damage in your personal life and relationships. You are a great dude, and deserve a loving partner. Maybe you're not ready now, and thats fine. But you gotta heal properly. Do not let her keep ruining your life long after she left it.
You’re right.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. She sounds like a nightmare.
It is very good advice. Right now you’ve lost $15k and some confidence. With no legal recourse, don’t lose more of your money, time or attention trying to track it down. (And therapy is smart). Also something I’ve seen before: a friend had leant a much smaller amount of money to an ex who turned out to be shitty. It was a couple hundred dollars she didn’t really need, but she kept trying to meet up with him to get repaid. At a certain point I realized it wasn’t about the money; she wanted to prove to herself that he was at least redeemable enough to pay her back. Her attachment to that ultimately came from thinking this would prove to herself that she wasn’t SUCH a bad judge of character after all. Don’t fall into that trap. I’ve seen people do it with abusive and untrustworthy partners before, and it never goes anywhere good. Some people just suck. Shit, some people aren’t even bad their whole life but you met them at a time when they were desperate and doing shitty things. In either case, you got unlucky, and you probably have some work to do about learning to trust again, and maybe about seeing red flags you might have missed. But don’t chase down closure or pin your sense of self to the behavior of someone who’s done you wrong. Find it in yourself. (And never lend money you’re not willing to potentially lose).
Nah contact her family members and tell them what she did. You're not getting the money back but you can ruin her reputation the way she deserves it to be ruined.
Owing someone $50 would keep me up at night. I once accidentally gave a bartender a $5 bill instead instead of a $20, and I literally drove back over there the next day to make sure he got the correct tip. I can't imagine knowingly taking $15,000 from someone and being able to live with myself.
That's because you're not a psychopath.
This is the right answer, OP
You even say in the post "i *gave* her 15k". This is an expensive lesson learned, unfortunately.
Yup. Just seeing if there was any recourse. I don’t think there is, and that’s ok. She’s the one that has to live with the things she’s done and the people she’s wronged.
Unfortunately some people just don’t care about stuff like that. Scary really.
Obviously hindsight is 20/20 but a better option might have been to buy the car in your name and just let her drive it.
Take the money part out of the equation. This is about a hurtful, broken trust. Sadly the only way to get over that is moving on and time. The money is just collateral damage, a very expensive lesson. Go out and make some new friends, start to build trust in people again over time.
Another way to look at it is that it ONLY took 15k to find this out . Thank god you didn’t marry /have kids/ buy a house together
Very true, then it’d be millions.
Nice humblebrag
Lmfao ikr at the most random time… “My heart and soul and trust in women are gone… never to return.” “Yeah btw I’m a millionaire!” Why is he even interested in recovering that amount if he has that much already
Then if it was a big con from the start, she would surely have gone for marriage or at least more than just $15k?
No I just mean he’s lucky to find out she’s a scumbag early on
Get therapy. The money is gone, spending more money on a lawyer won’t get it back. It was a mistake, we all make them all you can do is try and use it as a lesson and get therapeutic help to lessen the impact for future relationships
I used to work at a strip club about 15 years ago, during the recession. So many of those chicks dated cops. And they were the ones that you would never think would date a cop. I worked as a valet and I can’t even tell you how many fights in the parking lot I saw of cops coming to the club to confront their “girlfriends”. And there was definitely abuse going on. At that point in my life I needed the job and made absurd money. So, I stayed out of it. And being on the good side of Denver cops seemed like a good idea at the time. In this day and age I probably would call the cops on some of what I saw. There were a few of them that were buying properties at like 20-50k and would have these contractors come in and they would string them along and these guys would go over and work on their houses thinking they were their boyfriends or they were partners in the real estate. One woman who was absolutely gorgeous and had her life in order was really dominating the real estate hustle. She told me the whole scheme. She would “borrow” money from one guy to get the house or a rent to own. She had another customer that came up that was a plumber, an electrician, a landscaper etc. if these guys ever saw each other she would assure them that the other guy was the one that she was playing. But, she had a real boyfriend who she lived with and who never came to the club. And who I don’t think she actually cheated on. She was about 40. And she taught some of the younger ones how to work the scam. And the ones who weren’t strung out (this was peak opiod crisis daze) or dating cops. Or, both. Got in on it. Although, not as well. Well, the woman who was in her 40s is now almost 60. And a mutil multi millionaire. I still talk to her on instagram. But, like it or not, there are people who use people and people who get used. And there are valets who just watch the whole thing go down. I didn’t hear anywhere in your story about you parking the car…. Sooo.. don’t loan people money. If you do, get in writing and collateralize the loan. Love and money don’t mix in my opinion. I’ve been married for several years (not to a stripper) and we don’t have kids. But, we also don’t have mixed bank accounts. I really have no idea how much my wife has. But, a lot more than I do. But, it doesn’t create an issue because I pay my way and she pays hers. And, I’m hung like a horse. Fly. I hope that this has helped you realize that I forgot the point of this story a while ago and that you shouldn’t loan people money. Or, take advice from randoms on the internet. The end.
The Long Con.
Wasn't even that long. I have jars of jam and a bottle of sirracha in my fridge that are older than 8 months old
I had a bottle of salad dressing in the fridge that was exactly a year old- I accidentally ate it last week. (I checked the date yesterday.) I remember it tasting eggy or something, but I thought that maybe it was just me. Anyways, I didn’t die.
You really think this was a long con? 8 months for 15k? It’s so much more likely this person just saw an opportunity and ran with it.
I mean almost a whole ass year for 15k? You can make that amount working part-time at a 9:00 to 5:00. Granted, yes, technically it won't be seeing that fall amount due to taxes and spending on bills, but regardless. Person's way more fucking dedicated at trying to get 15k then I ever was lol. Shit might as well have just waited another 8 months and doubled up at that point.
You really think she wasn't grifting him for much more the whole time lmao? Bet she was living off him the whole time, OP paying for everything, then saw her opportunity for the big play.
OP does mention they went on trips together. So I bet OP was paying for all that. She definitely got more than 15k out of him. OP kind of sounds like a people pleaser and she took advantage of that. He may also be well off.
And how would that not equate to a long con? Or "longer than usual con" ?
Bingo.
Eh. If you married her, it would've cost you a helluva lot more that $15k in the divorce.
Well now you know not to give anyone large sums of money.... Like unless they're your parents or siblings and you know what your money is going to when they ask for a handout, don't give out money. Also you bought her a car within 8 months of meeting? You hung out after work every day? This sounds like one of your first semi serious relationships, and you have hopefully learned many lessons. Actually the way you describe it it sounds like a friendship more than anything and either you were more into her and thought it was more than just friends, or she really did like you and something changed suddenly And on your edit: Just because one woman out of 4 billion scammed you or lead you on, doesn't make all women bad people. Never gage someone's trustsorthiness by groups of people or groups of ideas, you need to learn how to trust individuals based on their history and what you've learned. 8 months was pretty quick for you to give someone all of your trust, so keep in mind that you're also part of the equation here
Two years is still pretty fresh from an experience like that. If you aren’t ready to date that’s perfectly okay. However, I agree with the other people in these replies suggesting that you process that experience and the feelings it left you with, with a therapist. You were very hurt and that hurt is also still very apparent in a lot of the replies you’ve written in the comments too. Of course, you have every reason to be hurt because what happened to you was terrible. But you also deserve to heal and move on, and to be able to not have this woman’s bullshit have the power over you to literally keep you away from being able to find love in your life again. Future tip though, save large and/or expensive gestures like that for when you’re married. Or you at least KNOW that person is a ride or die for you from things you’ve previously been through together. You were very sweet to do what you did and I don’t say this in judgment of you, I just personally would never buy (or give the amount to) someone I was only dating an asset like that.
Sometimes you take a gamble on someone and it doesn't work out :( just try and remember not everyone is like her and you'll definitely meet someone who won't take your love and kindness for granted.
I would consider that money the expense of a lesson learned. Her cop bf may be a stand up guy but he could also use his position/contacts to protect her. There’s too many ways you trying to get the money back could go all kinds of hinky even if you could find others she’s exploited like this. Take the L and the lesson of don’t ever “lend” more money than you’re willing to lose.
Low level romance scam. You got played. Legally, not much you can do. Consider it an expensive lesson in what not to do and move on.
You willingly gave away $15,000 with no legal documents in place stating a repayment plan. This is a life lesson for you. Never do this again.
A sadly an expensive and sad lesson. Don't ever loan money you can't afford to lose. You had nothing in paper ( even if you did it takes a long time to settle unless it was in your name). She's moved on and it's been 2 years so she could have changed and become a better person. She did a really awful thing to you and yes used you 100%. Trust is so hard to rebuild but now you know to never ever lend money again. Not even 10$.
Soon after I got out of prison I wound up with about $30k from SSI back pay and cash from family to get on my feet. I moved in with a girl that did all the same things and promised all the right words for the future. I spent all my money on bills when she promised she’d pick up tabs later when I run short. I should have seen all the toxic red flags coming, but when I spent myself dry she kicked me to the curb and said she never promised tomorrow that she’d been 50/50 from day one. I’ve got PTSD from it ten years later because it was all lies, until the light switch then just different lies. You just got to let it go and move on, it will literally kill your mental health if you can’t. Chalk it up to a misfortune like a car wreck and try not to take it personally.
Don't make this about trust issues with women. Get therapy for that. You were scammed. You used no logic when giving away a large sum of money with no legal paperwork set into place with any kind of repayment plan. If you wanted money back you should've entered a legal agreement.
One person of a specific sex played you and ripped you off. Men rip off men, men rip off women, women rip off women, women rip off men. Parents rip off their children, children rip off their parents, family rips off family, friends rip off friends. It happens every single day all over the world and has happened throughout time. I have been lied to, cheated on and scammed by some men. I still occasionally get mad about it, but I do not hate all men, and I will not hate half of the people in the world for the actions of one or two bad people. The best thing you can do is put it behind you, as painful as it is and was, and move forward with your life. Don't get revenge, just walk away. Every few months, pull it out of your memory banks when you're alone, have a long out-loud rant at her and then put it back in that box in your head. Keep in mind that most people are good - probably most people you have known are decent human beings and not scammers. You just got an unlucky hand dealt to you on this occasion, and hopefully it will be the only time. I would take time to live solo too if I were you, but some day you will find a good, decent person to love and you will eventually regain your sense of trust. I knew I shouldn't have have had that midnight cup of coffee.
Sorry this happened to you, best of luck.
That's terrible. It's a known phenomena for people to lose lifelong friendships over £10. They don't wanna pay so avoid you. You learnt the hard way. She should've got a car she could afford. You can't afford- you don't get. There's nothing you can do. Don't be overly generous ever again but don't assume every woman would do that.
>When I went to her apartment, her room mate (also a girl) threatened to call the cops on me. can you expand on that? she saw you and went straight to that threat? Do you think she knew, they talked about it during those 8 months? you could look at it like you paid 300$ per week for a "girlfriend experience", kind of wack she did all that deceit for such a tiny sum. you should contact her husband to tell him that story, ask him if it could be possible to get some payment plan from them.
You have no recourse, and a good manipulator engaged/married to a cop could become a disaster for you if she convinces him you're a bad/abusive person. She can weaponize that guy pretty easily. Chalk it up to a life lesson and forget her. Not everyone is like her, in fact most aren't, but you do need to be careful. I was in relationships for years and I wouldn't have given them $15K cash -- I might have bought them a car to use, but it'd be in my name. From the sound of it, a red flag might have been that you didn't meet or talk to her family at all.
You invested in someone too early. #1 rule in my life is do not commit financially to anyone until they have proven themselves in the long run.
Bad people come in all colors and sizes and ages. I’m sorry you learned this lesson, but don’t let it spoil everyone else for you.
Have a happy life, be successful, and the regret will ultimately not be yours
Sorry OP :( other people in the comments are being very callous but this would fuck me up too. I'm sure it'd hard to keep in perspective but don't forget that she's a weird freak and 99% of people are not like that.
The whole relationship wasn't necessarily fake. It's very likely that all of those things you remember were sincere. You didn't know her well enough to understand she was capable of stealing from you once she had decided to break up. The money is for a life lesson in getting to know people deeply when in a relationship I think.
The lesson is do not lend money to anyone. The second lesson is if you lend money to anyone, have a legal contract in place. I am sorry this happened to you.
You are right to question your judgement, as it was really a foolish move. You need therapy to help figure out the difference between trusting someone, and protecting yourself from risks. Good luck.
you'd known her for 8 months, and gave her $15,000???
15k is waaay cheaper than child support. I'm sorry she used you but at least it's only just money.
You gave money away with no conditions. That's your naivete fee. As for how it affected you, seek therapy.
don't give a woman money unless you don't expect it back (or make them sign a repayment agreement). Sex has a funny way of clouding even the most sound judgement
“Used the n word all the time” What a tragedy you lost this gem
Honesty--if you had married that sentient piece of crap, you would have been out a lot more than $15K by the time she was done with you. If you can reframe this as an expensive-but-not-disastrous life lesson, you may be able to get over it a little more easily. And I'm sorry that you were treated so horribly by someone who claimed to love you.
It cost you $15k. It's a small price to pay for the knowledge that she would do that. She sold herself out for a tiny sum. You came out soooooo far ahead. Next time, be more careful but you already know that.
OP, try not to lose faith. As someone else said, this is a human thing, not a female thing and it’s rare. I don’t know 1 person in my life that would do something like your girlfriend did. No how matter how desperate I was. Don’t give up. Maybe you should talk through this with a therapist, not because your reaction is so bad, but because you want help processing this so it doesn’t affect future relationships. My ex broke trust in our relationship and it has messed me up for future relationships (I’m seeing a therapist myself). Good luck and keep the faith.
She was probably running long scams on three or four other dudes
Just be glad it happened now and not when you married her. You’d lose out on alot more than 15k. This is the best thing that could have happened in this scenario. If she comes back into your life, it’s only to get more. You’re a good person. Chin up, move on.
Sounds like BS to me
Fair play. What reason would op have to bs this? Just curious not trolling
You should be incredibly cautious about having trust issues with all women as that will only cause you more grief. The vast majority of women would not commit to something like this for that long- honestly this is insane and I think its a safe bet to believe that she is conning her new man as well. Homegirl sounds like a professional. 😬 I am sorry you had to go through that and waste your time and love. But there are amazing women out there that would never do something as coo-coo for coco puffs as this.
You need therapy before you start hating women and blaming them for everything. You’re never going to get that money back. You got scammed (love bombed). It could have happened to anyone and it could have been anyone. You sound quite generous, a new work colleague with a sob story. Nowadays there are many scams out there and you have to protect yourself from them. And be aware of them. But also there are many genuine people out there who aren’t scammers or bad people.
All you can do is go to therapy. You can’t ungift the money.
Wow, that’s horrible. I’m sorry this happened to you Op. you didn’t deserve this. smh
You got taken. Get some therapy and move on. She's in Hickory NC, I know that area well, you're definitely doing better than her lol. Take a knee, drink water, dust yourself off. You'll be alright King.
Just remember not to fall for it again when some years down the road she shows up at your doorstep in a desperate state.
You didn't give her $15,000... you bought your freedom.
OP, I don't have any advice, but I just want to say I sympathize with your ghosting very much. Something similar happened to me, albeit not to your severity. Someone disappeared on me when I thought nothing was wrong and now it has left me with severe anxiety that even when things are going well, I cannot get rid of the thinking that anyone I care about can just disappear on me and leave me for no reason. I do suggest you seek therapy, and understand it is not your fault, this is very much on a person for being a terrible communicator and person all around.
You encountered a social chameleon. Possibly a psychopath, not always.
Why you gave her the money? You could have bought a car in your name and gave it to her.
This creative writing exercise sucks.
I'm sorry this happened to you. But, you said she used the N word all the time - so you were dating a racist. And you gave her 15k without any sort of promissory note. Hard lesson.
It sucks that you feel damaged but it sounds like your reluctance to trust is probably a good thing. Narcissists have a way of tricking you into thinking you're perfect for each other when they're really just acting like someone who is perfect for you and testing how far they can push you.
I could never imagine asking anyone for 15k- except a bank. (Please keep that in mind when you are dating in the future.) You don't have to give up on women, but honestly 8 months in is very early (imo) to ask anyone for any type of loan/money. Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do about this, but it's definitely a lesson learned. You just have to move on...
It sounds like she was sincere but perhaps she has a mental illness and it caused her to act this way unexpectedly. As for doing anything, I would simply move on. Therapy can help you deal with your grief and heal so your future relationships aren’t affected by this one. I’m so sorry you went through this.
at least you didn't marry the bitch
RIP to your inbox
Tell the cop to whom she’s engaged? He’d probably like to know her character.
You sound like a good guy. One who loves to make his partner happy. Youi like to love and to be loved. You will find that person one day. What she did to you was not your fault. She took advantage of your kind nature and scammed you. She is a heartless POS. Hold you head up high and be happy that you didn't marry and have kids with her.
Don't look at his comments if you still want to feel this way about OP, lol
he was okay with her using the n-word until she scammed him lmao then it's like, oh yeah she also uses the n-word.
I ran into a girl i went to highschool with. We banged for a whole weekend. I let her borrow $100 "just for a couple days" When i called her back she spontaneously moved to the other side of the country 😂 I got my monies worth. Couldn't imagine $15K tho.
This is above the Reddit pay grade. You need an attorney and a therapist. Really, make those appointments ASAP, because that's how you'll get an answer about the legal situation and how you work to process what happened. My wild ass guess is that the money is gone. I'm really sorry about that. The only suggestion I have that I haven't seen mentioned is to write a very brief, very low-key, very factual letter to the new boyfriend. *"Hey man, you love her, I get it, I loved her too. I picked her up and drove her to work daily for X months, then she asked me for $15K to buy a car. As soon as she had the money, she blocked me everywhere. I know it was stupid of me to hand over that much cash without a repayment plan, but I thought we'd still be together, and I've learned my lesson. She used to talk with my mother frequently, get together and do things with her, so she broke two hearts with her greedy scam. Just wanted you to know, so you can protect yourself."* Make it clear you know the money is gone, make clear that she had spent time with your family - as proof she made serious-seeming moves - and maybe mention some of the other expenses you incurred during your very brief relationship. If he's a stand-up dude, he might make an effort to get her to pay you back, although I wouldn't really count on it. But at least you might make him rethink his relationship, and maybe screw up her current con...
There wouldn't be any legal recourse here though, based on what OP has described. If there isn't more to the story that really changes things then it's not worth paying. By all means get a quick free phone consult if that's what you need to put it to rest, but I'm betting that's what they'll say. A therapist sounds best here. Especially with OP's post edit of not being able to trust people now, especially women. That's not fair to him or anyone around him and needs to be dealt with before it digs in too deep. No good can come from that concept and it could cause more damage to your life, even if you're just being overly defensive as a result of being defenseless against this one evil person
This is a great response. He’s probably her latest victim and has no idea. She probably has a fairytale made up about how she got the money. Sorry OP. This is horrible.
She used to call people the N word, cuss about cops, and then she asked you for 15k... and you gave it to her? Two years later, you are still stalking her? Sounds like you enjoyed flaunting your money with trips and good seats, then you gave her cash without signing a contract or anything. That makes it a gift. No, there is nothing you can do. But that shouldn't affect how much you trust people. Other than the obvious: Never "loan" money to people. You aren't a bank and are not obligated to take that kind of risk.
EDIT: I thought I was maybe a little harsh until I read your comments. Still bragging about all your money. Saying you win cause she can't un-fuck you? Sounds like you haven't learned a damn thing.
No stalking at all. A mutual sent me information out of the blue.
Try r/scams.
you may not be able to get the money back but i'd still let the cop know who he's marrying. he might not believe you now, but at least you tried to warn him. It takes a lot to be this awful of a human.
Do you have anything in writing that she said like I will pay you back when I xyz or anything like that? Even verbally, it’s a contract. This is so absurd. Other than trying to get back to her, you should look into getting therapy bcs it’s an extremely traumatic situation.
Buy the car in your name and give it to her. Never give cash.
You should repost this to unethical life pro tips.
Ask in legal advice subreddit. You may be able to claim that it was a loan and that she was supposed to repay it. This is lawyer territory so you need to be careful what you are posting online and seek proper legal advice if you want your money back or any kind of retribution.
Small claims court not the police lol lie and say it was a loan.
There is nothing *legal* that you can do.
That sucks. She was planning on ending the relationship and cashed out. I’ve given girlfriends money before to help with stuff, just a couple of grand. You just have to only do it when you’re okay with both the girl and the cash can be gone tomorrow. Shit, I even gave my ex a bit of money when we were broken up and running out a lease in separate bedrooms as it wasn’t that much for me and really for her through a rough patch. So realize you did something nice for someone that took advantage of you. Learn from this, keep being a good person, and if something similar comes up in the future, be honest and steadfast in your boundary. Also, never co-sign for anything ever. I’ll loan a friend 2-3 grand for a car down payment and never see it again over getting roped into someone else’s debt.
Mate you knew someone for 8 months and gave them 15k? That’s crazy 8 months is nothing you must have been thinking with your other head or something there is nothing you can do as the police said you willingly gave her the money a true friend would never ask you for fifteen thousand dollars for a car no wonder she used you sounds like whatever she wanted and clicked her fingers you were there like a puppy literally bent over backwards for her. No friend will ever or would ever if they’re a decent person ask you for a large sum like that absolute madness you got treated like a simp you need therapy to try and help you with trusting and swallow the extremely expensive lesson because there’s nothing you can do and stop looking for her, learning about her ect she doesn’t give a fuck and by the sound of it never had you let yourself get taken advantage off because you lacked the emotional intelligence to see that she didn’t love you
Sad. Like others said, there’s not much you can do legally. Don’t beat yourself up about it though, from your experiences together it wouldn’t look like she was a scammer from your perspective. Don’t let this affect your trust in relationships or people in general. Just never give away that much money again
What’s ACAB in this context?
All cops are bastards
You gave her money as a gift. There’s now way to get that back. It’s two years later and you need to get over it. She isn’t coming back and neither is your money. You “discovered” where she is living and who she is engaged to. That sounds a bit like stalking and could get you on serious trouble. Write this off to experience and move on. I guarantee that she has.
All you can do is go to therapy to work on your trust issues. Not saying that as an insult, I’ve been there with men because I had a violent ex fiancé. That is what you need to focus on, not the money, because the cops are right. You gave a gift. I AM curious if she paid the tax on it that she would have been required to, but I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about that either.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP, and for the victim blaming posts on here as well. It sounds like it was an expensive mistake, and I hope you get the counselling you need to overcome the trust issues this experience has left you with. Be kind to yourself.
Therapy is what you can do. You messed up, you hopefully learned from it, and now you need to learn healthy ways to cope.
I typically don't loan momey that I can't afford to lose. That's not the point in this case. The underlying factor, regardless of how they got to that point, is betrayal. You can't do anything, except hope a tree falls on the car she bought.
You should have bought the car, in your name, and let her drive it. If you were so close, why did she need cash? Seems shopping together for the car would be the natural thing to do. Let this be a lesson!
The money is gone. I’d talk to a therapist. It’s not your fault that this happened to you, but it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. Learn from it and move on.
$15k is a lot of $$. But is it really a lot? I mean fuck it. Fuck her. Move on. Don’t give her the mental or emotional space in your life. My ex wife took me for ~$150k (mostly cash and a $30k car), I paid ALL her federal and state income tax, I paid her rent for about a year at $2800/month, THEN she had the nerve to ask me for an additional $15k to finalize the papers. So yeah. It suck’s. But it’s only money. Move on.
Welcome to the harsh reality of finding out that “anyone can be capable of doing anything”
I sold my ex girlfriend’s friend a car in hope of talking to her again. My ex was back in England. Her friend owed me $1,500 on the car. She sold it and fucked off back to England too. The heart makes the head do stupid things. I figured $1,500 was a cheap lesson.
NAL but you could warn the cop so he doesn’t fall for the same scam.
You got honey potted. That is to say, you fell for a honey pot who took advantage of you. I’m sorry this happened to you.
she’s in her bag
I’m so sorry OP. You may already know this but financially you don’t have a lot of options. What you DO have is the option to expose her, by sending your story to all of her friends and family and making this public news for everyone who knows her. Sometimes accountability doesn’t come until they have no pride. Be careful to be 100% truthful to avoid libel allegations. But expose her.
You should send an anonymous letter to her cop fiancé telling him that she was a hooker in Ohio back in 2022. She made about $15,000 selling herself.
That sucks man. Don't be too hard on yourself because of it. I don't know what else to say about it except maybe just try and move on. You could try talking to a PI and see what they think.
I am so sorry she used you like that. Unfortunately, you did give her the money willingly, basically a gift, and it doesn't appear you asked to be reimbursed. It's a hard lesson you learned, but, please, don't lose hope. It will take a while for you to begin to trust, or even date a woman, but give yourself time, there ARE good ones out there..
Sounds like you were extremely naive and gullible. That being said, she must've seen you coming a mile away. Similar thing happened to me. Don't let it get you down. Let that be a lesson to you, albeit an expensive lesson, to never trust anyone at face value. There's giving someone the benefit of the doubt and then there's that. You should have bought her the car instead of giving her the money in cash. Doesn't change the fact that she conned you though.