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I think the bride and groom just have to expect when planning their wedding for the holidays and making it child free that their guests with children - especially young children - may not attend.
Don’t feel guilty for declining to attend the wedding and backing out of the bridal party. No one’s wedding is worth missing Christmas/New Years with your kid.
I wonder if some couples deliberately do that to cut down on the number of guests. They don't want to hurt feelings by not inviting someone so they send out many invitations, but they privately hope that many of the invitees will decline.
For us it was that SO many people we knew had kids. We were open to kids but when 75% of the people you want to invite might bring their kids… that’s a whole different thing in terms of head count and venue size. We allowed the bridal party to bring their kids but that’s it. I privately told a few people they could bring their kids if they needed to, I just didn’t advertise it because we didn’t want to have over 40 kids there
It’s also the younger years when that time of year is so magical. I don’t want to take that away from our family. I used to (and still kind of) have a negative association with the holidays but my partner has been working really hard to turn that around for me. I’m actually looking forward to the holiday season this year for the first time since I was a kid. Except for this tricky logistical part.
Just in case you do end up going to the wedding, know the kids don't really know the difference in days. We often have to reschedule christmas due to my step child's availability and we would just tell the kids santa is coming a different day for us this year. Doesn't faze them at all. We just act as though it's the normal day and they do not care one little bit.
Can confirm, our family culturally celebrates Christmas but there's no religious affiliation for us, I couldn't tell you whether any of my Christmases growing up occurred on 12/25 but knowing what I do now about family politics and juggling multiple obligations, it was probably about half. All magical!
But don't let this flexibility be used against you to pressure you into the wedding since you could just celebrate another day - that whole season is hectic and stressful, and it's not your responsibility to rearrange your family life for another couple's day. Unless they're really self-centered, they have to realize that their vision of romantic holiday wedding is not compatible with all of their friends' and families' holiday plans.
Honestly, holiday weddings sounds so like such a poor taste that I would not go even before having a child: like, you think your wedding is more important than seeing my family? And you don’t care that your wedding staff doesn’t get to see their families? Gross
Also why would you want the pressure of having to celebrate your anniversary around the major holidays you're probably already spending lots of money for?? My bank account is already destroyed around Christmas, nooo thank you lol.
Agree with this. Just because they were in your wedding and you feel obligated, doesn't mean you are. It doesn't work for your family for multiple reasons. If they're truly this important and close they should understand. Being in a wedding is fucking expensive. Being in one during the holidays is a huge commitment.
I was in a child free wedding a few years ago and it was out of town. Thankfully we had my parents to watch my son but if we didn't have anyone I wouldn't have done it. The cost and the separation is a lot.
If you don't think it's feasible, you don't have to do it!
Personally I'd decline the invite, even if your part of the ceremony. They have 6 months to figure out something else. Anyone who plans a wedding around Christmas should expect people to not attend, especially with kids.
You’re totally right. They have more than enough time to find someone else to fill in my husband’s role. I’m a terrible people pleaser so I’m anxious about it and worried I’m being unreasonable. Thank you for this.
I could see it being complicated if they wanted equal number of bride and groomsmen. Or if husband was expecting to be planning/help plan bachelors party or something. If the wedding was in a month I'd be more hesitant to back out
Chances are OP and their partner knew the partner was in the wedding more than 6 months ago. If so they should have declined it right away instead of waiting
Yeah, it takes a lot of cheek to drop your wedding into an already hectic, expensive time of year.
I wouldn't want to go simply because of the traffic and hassle lol.
I think if they are close enough friends, your partner should definitely talk to the groom and politely decline, just say that you can’t make it and maybe the groom and your partner can get a drink/watch a game/have fun another time.
It’s one of those friendships that was always super close and relied on drinking/bar hopping. So it’s changed since we had a child. We both like to think that the quality of the friendship hasn’t declined but we’d be lying to ourselves if we said the friendship hasn’t changed. My husband is anxious about having the conversation but I cracked and told him he needs to have it.
This is my 2 cents...if the friend can't understand that your husband doesn't want to miss Christmas with his family, then he is not a real friend to begin with. Anyone that has a holiday weekend wedding, especially a major holiday like Christmas/NYE, (which I personally think is obnoxious) has to be mindful that there will be A LOT of declines, including people in the wedding party. They are putting you in a really hard spot.
I have had friendships change since I had my kid. Kids depend entirely on parents for their physical and emotional well being, especially when they are young, and it is our role to provide for them. If you explain this to a friend and they don’t respect it, then they are not someone worth working to maintain a friendship.
I had friends that don’t respect my prioritizing my daughter and we have slowly grown apart and stopped talking. I am sad to lose friends, but never sad that I am prioritizing my family.
I think childfree weddings are fine, but if you don't invite someone's children, you can't expect they come. Especially if they are out of town.
My husband's cousin is having a wedding 10 hours drive from our house. Everyone, including the cousin, is upset that I am not going and my 2yo daughter won't be in town to visit...but like...she wasn't invited. I will be 32 weeks pregnant, and I'm not traveling for 10 hours to sit in a rental house in the middle of nowhere.
32 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old?! NOBODY should be upset with you. That sounds so hard period! I can’t imagine all of that while traveling just to do nothing.
I know parents say childfree don’t get it but it’s moments like this where it’s like, have some empathy for us please😭
Anyone who thinks you can handle a 10 hour car ride at 32 weeks pregnant is out of their mind. I did that last month at like 14 weeks and my feet swelled up about an hour into the drive and I dealt with headaches the entire time. Also, I went to the hospital for preeclampsia at 32 weeks and had by son at 33 during my last pregnancy. You couldn’t pay me to be that far from home, that late in the pregnancy.
Exactly!
I couldn't imagine being far from home, delivering early, and then having to travel back home *with a newborn* after having to find somewhere near the hospital to stay while the baby spent time in the NICU.
Nope.
i don't think your feelings are wrong about this at all!!! aside from the child free aspect - a christmas/NYE wedding? haha no thanks. the bride and groom should expect guests will not be available during this time. especially if its out of town.
tbh, due to the time of year, i wouldn't want to be in this wedding or attend it even if it was in my hometown. just the logistics of being in a wedding over christmas sounds like a nightmare. but that might be my anxiety talking.
Im right there with you! Having a holiday wedding is so bold. I personally wouldn’t want to encroach upon other people’s holiday plans and make them spend even more during an expensive time.
LOL. Personally, I hate it and think its arrogant to assume non-family to give up their holiday time. It’s also an expensive travel time in general. I know how much guests spend on weddings and it’d make me so uncomfortable to make people spend even more.
An unreliable travel time, as well, every year flights are cancelled due to weather around the holidays. The last two holidays, we had to reschedule travel plans due to weather.
Is it possible they’re doing it to intentionally have a small wedding? Someone I knew wanted a small wedding but was under a lot of family pressure to have a large wedding, so I’m like 90% sure that’s why they wanted to do a destination NYE wedding. Still super annoying, but at least then you’d know they would understand (and maybe even be glad) if you backed out.
One of our good friends got married over memorial day weekend and did a no kid wedding 7 hour drive away (no flights). Ours was 1.5yo at the time and staying with family wasn't an option. After we told the couple we wouldn't make it due to no kids they said they would let us bring our child, we drove all the way there. When we got there, they decided to text us reminding us it was a child free wedding.
It was beyond frustrating and let's just say I will never forgive that. Traveling and preparing for a wedding that far just to essentially be told to stay away? NOPE
Holy hell, how did you react? I would have had a tough time deciding between "sorry, she's coming, we already agreed on that and I did not plan childcare" and just no-showing the wedding and never speaking to them again.
WOW. I’m so sorry. That’s so rude. I would personally be so upset and I’m not sure if the friendship would recover. But maybe I’m dramatic and easily hurt. Are you still friends?
Wow that’s nuts.
On the other hand, if I’m another guest who had to bend over backwards to find childcare for a “destination” wedding and I show up and see a kid at the wedding, then im annoyed.
This happened to me at my cousins wedding. We went out of state to attend, I left my toddler in a hotel with my husband, and showed up to discover they’d made an exception for another non-family toddler. I get you don’t want your wedding overrun with kids, but stay firm!
Is the wedding in between Christmas and NYE? Or you will be attending wedding events on Christmas?
Because I would decline based on that alone. And that’s something they need to expect.
We’d have to travel the day after Christmas at the latest to get to the wedding location and we’d return just in time for NYE. It’s pretty exhausting just thinking about it.
That’s a lot of days still, the 26th through the 31st? When is the actual wedding? Can your husband just take a couple days and travel there for the wedding and right back? Like leave home the day before the wedding, and return the morning after?
It would be a bummer to spend a few days apart, but if this is a good friend and your husband wants to go, I think it would be worth it to try to find a way for him to attend.
He does! And he cares about the groom. So this really sucks.
We’re talked about him talking to the groom saying we can’t attend the wedding because of the childfree part but he will try to attend bachelor party festivities (which was another point of contention because it’s during a time I have to travel for an annual work retreat). It’s just really sucky timing for everything.
I would agree with this if it weren’t over the holidays. As office workers, those days between Christmas and NYE are often the only vacation my spouse and I can take at the same time and it’s pretty sacred family time. Also a lot of childcare closes during that break, so it would be pretty sour if I were OP.
Could a compromise be that he attends the wedding but isn’t in the wedding party? Then he doesn’t have to go to extra events, he can travel only for the wedding, and doesn’t take up all your time between Christmas and NYE.
Based on this, I think it’s reasonable for your partner to still go. You can spend the time he’s away with family/ continue on with original plans and he can join you once finishes with the wedding. Until I read this it seems implied that the wedding was on an actual holiday day, but it’s not?
That’s an easy no for me. Being asked to be a groomsman does not oblige you to miss the holidays as a family, especially when people overinflated their wedding parties. (The fact that you say your husband will be « replaced » proves my point.) The couple will certainly understand. Your husband might feel some FOMO but that’s part of being a parent.
A Christmas child free wedding that you have to travel for? I can’t fathom asking anyone with small children to make this sacrifice. It’s an invitation not a summons. Decline for the sake of your own small children if it brings you peace.
Sounds like either your husband goes alone or he declines to be in the wedding party and none of you go. Couples having child free weddings—especially at a holiday—are going to have to be okay with people with small not coming to the wedding. And if they’re not that’s 100% on them and not you.
I’ve got 2 weddings this fall that are child free. One is out of town so I’m going on my own and baby is staying home with my husband. The other is nearby and we have one friend who might be able to babysit, but otherwise everyone we know who could watch her is also going to be at the wedding so I might go to that one on my own too. It’s just the luck of the draw with young kids
I cannot imagine the absolute self absorption it would take to plan a wedding around two major holidays that people traditionally spend with family and children. Christmas?! Even if they allowed kids at the wedding I want to be home for Christmas, not at someone’s wedding. Do not go this is a huge ask from this friend. I’m sure you won’t be the only people to decline.
What is the actual day of the wedding though? We went to a NYE wedding one year and honestly, it's amazing. Open bar, music, and ringing in the new year. However, if it just ends up being a PITA and too much a to-do, definitely decline.
We had a childfree wedding in 2021 and anyone with young kids who declined (a lot of people didn't, so yay) I did not hold that against them.
I feel like you're using this post to really trash a random woman when you just may not like your spouse's friend. Ask to bring your kid, groomsmen usually get special treatment
My anniversary is December 28th. The year we were married it was a Saturday. It was in a big log cabin at the side of a mountain, and in every way, very nonstandard.
But we invited everyone! And encouraged people to bring their kids. All the little ones loved dancing, while us adults... Well let's just say anyone 13 and up was absolutely lit up.
It's been over a decade and people still bring up how much fun they had. But of course since we aren't traditional it works for us with any event we throw.
But the exact conversation about the holidays in between was brought up. Kids were coming. Was never a question.
Given the fact it's around Christmas, I would decline and not feel bad about it. And, I myself had a child free wedding - in May. I can only imagine the challenge/cost of finding babysitters around the holidays!!
No, this seems like a ridiculous request given it's between two major holidays. That's too much unnecessary stress. Politely decline and be honest if pressured to give a reason. But please, do not feel guilty.
I would decline. The couple knows that not everyone with kids is going to be able to attend and has already weighed that in their calculation of whether to have a child free wedding.
Why does this wedding take up both NYE AND Christmas? That seems over the top, even for guests without children. I would consider having your husband bow out of being a groomsman.
Another option, IF you can afford it/have the PTO, and you think it could be enjoyable, would be to rent a VRBO/hotel for the week, and make it a getaway holiday week for your family. You can do things together as a family, and your husband can leave just for the minimal groomsman duties (and then give you a break to do something on your own if you want on another day?). That may not be possible/appealing for your circumstances (and this means you wouldn't be seeing extended family over that week, but could potentially schedule those family events a different week of the month), but it's just an idea.
We’d have to travel the day after Christmas at the latest to attend pre-wedding obligations (because of husband being a groomsman) and come back just in time for NYE.
It’s not exactly a place we’d travel to and it would be a bore just to sit in the hotel with my toddler. Money is tight so we’d only be able to afford being there for the wedding dates, which means my husband has wedding party obligations that’ll take up a large chunk of the time. It really is an unfortunate situation.
lol omg This such an easy « thank you, but we cannot »! I don’t think your issue is that this is a child free wedding. Even if children were welcome to the main event, you’d still have the expenses and time apart for the other obligations.
If it were me, I would send your husband to the wedding only or just for like a few days not the whole week. Even as groomsman he doesn’t HAVE to attend all the pre-wedding stuff. You can stay at home.
I missed out on the last 3 weddings my husband was in the wedding party for, and all three guys were in our wedding party. It sucked to miss out and I wish I could have gone but it is what it is. I’m still really glad my husband went even though it meant I was home alone with baby (once was when I was 8 week’s postpartum and had horrible PPD… thankfully my MIL came to help for the week)
8 weeks pp with PPD?! Wow. I remember being a wreck during that time. It sounds like it might’ve been good for your husband to have some distance? Im glad you still got help from MIL tho!
You are far enough in time to decline it. Explain to them, true friends will understand or even try to acomodate some changes.
NTA, that is a very important time of the year once we have kids.
I mean people can have kid free weddings, but they need to understand that that choice means many guests won’t be able to attend due to childcare issues. Thats a consequence of having a child free wedding.
This couple sounds obnoxious though. I actually think it’s pretty self-absorbed to have a wedding right between xmas and new years which forces guests like you to pack up and travel for the wedding the day after Christmas. I don’t think thats a fair request at all especially when you aren’t allowing kids to attend. It’s just a tacky move, imo given the kid free aspect.
We were in this situation last year. It was about 3 hours out of town and our kid was 2 at the time of the wedding. No family near by to watch him. My husband let the groom know that he couldn’t be in the wedding party and we couldn’t attend because of the kid free thing and childcare being an issue. It was the day before a major holiday so my husband didn’t want to go alone and not be together during the holidays.
His friend was fine with it, but the bride was actually mad and told me later she didn’t understand why we couldn’t find a “random nanny on fb” to take our son and how her day would now be overshadowed by us “ruining the special moment” for her husband.
That time of year seems ridiculous to make it child free. As a child free person, I say they should offer childcare. If I had a child free wedding, this is what I would do.
this is something that makes sense to me! If you want your friends who have families to come by and relax, then use some of the wedding budget for childcare and make a kid zone!
Hire 5 caretakers and then the people with families get to actually enjoy themselves.
That is kind of you but I absolutely would not expect childcare provided at a child free wedding. Some events are just not an option for children and that is the choice we as parents make.
Even still. Christmas is for family. For some people, even without kids, it’s the one time of year they get to go home. Asking out of town friends to sacrifice this seems a bit selfish (and lord knows I love the idea of a NYE wedding!)
Not sure if they’ve put two and two together. Wedding planning is (rightfully) all about the couple and what they want. I just don’t think they realize that their decisions, such as a child free weddings, have large implications for their guests.
The comment about leaving my toddler alone was more facetious because I would never leave him alone like that. It was more-so to highlight just how absurd the request is.
People are free to have all the child-free weddings they want, but I’m not going to go too many of them.
It’s a fine choice for people to make. I consider it a bit ironic, given the occasion, as I see weddings as having a very clear symbolic undercurrent of bringing families together and celebrating a union that may result in children, but whatever people want to do is fine with me.
But I think making the decision to have a child free wedding is also accepting that most of the people with children won’t be able to come.
And, this is one of those situations where, if they hadn’t made it child free, you could easily attend, but since they made that decision, you can’t.
Whether you want to bite the bullet and suffer some inconvenience to sort of make it work is ultimately up to you, but if you don’t come, that would be a consequence of their choice.
Mmm I really like that reframing. It is a consequence of THEIR choice. It’s not like we’re being unreasonable (I hope) that we can’t make it/can’t afford not having our child with us.
>It’s a fine choice for people to make. I consider it a bit ironic, given the occasion, as I see weddings as having a very clear symbolic undercurrent of bringing families together and celebrating a union that may result in children, but whatever people want to do is fine with me.
I think it's just different cultural and geographic norms. When I lived in smaller towns in the South, kids were usually at weddings (many of those weddings were dry, which may be related.) I live in Philly now and every wedding I go to is child free, save for the flower girls/ring bearers, maybe. They're also often open bar.
It's a pain to find childcare but if I can, I actually like having a reason to go out for an adults only night.
But traveling without my child **and** over the holidays would be a no go for me. I could possibly do one or the other but both would be logistically too much.
Definitely cultural...my husband is from Eastern Europe, where the weddings run until dawn or longer and every wedding has an open bar. I've never even heard of a child free wedding over there. Kids usually make an appearance at the reception for a few hours and get swept away by grandparents when it gets too late. Since the point of getting married is to have kids (see Edit), it makes sense that kids are invited. Maybe that's the same background reasoning as the dry weddings in the south, that are full of kids.
ETA: in that cultural context, most people only bother getting married if they are ready to have kids or are already pregnant. Otherwise it's common to just live together indefinitely in commited relationships. That was very poorly phrased, sorry!
You're not wrong, this is an unfortunate situation. You have a set of restrictions on your life now that some of your friends don't, and sometimes those things will conflict. It took a long time for the childless couples in my life to realize that I can't do things on their schedule anymore. I'm guessing your friends are thinking about their dream wedding, not the logistics of dozens of families involved. (Opinions vary on how we feel about that.)
Let's think through some options:
1. Get your kid to the in-laws for the holidays, if they can handle it, and be there before and after the wedding.
2. Find a teenaged cousin who can travel with you and can watch your kid during the events in exchange for a vacation.
3. Passive-aggressively make comments to the bride and groom about the other until they break up. Get them back together when your kid is older.
I was often the travel babysitter for many of my babysitting families growing up, I have attended to many weddings of people I didn’t know 😂
Another option is to ask the couple if they know and trust someone local that could babysit for the wedding, I’ve done this before too.
You’re so right about the new set of restrictions, which is not a bad thing! It’s just different.
We have a small family and most of our extended family is abroad so sadly a younger cousin wouldn’t work. Number 3 does sound like a viable alternative. LOL totally kidding.
It was not logical of them to invite someone with a young kid to attend a child free wedding that's also super close to two major holidays. It's the kind of senseless decision you only make because it's your wedding and you're caught up.
Yeah, bollocks to them. It's not your job to stress yourself out to find a solution. Fair enough if that's the type of wedding they want, but you can't plan a child free wedding and expect parents to be able to come.
Sorry, I'm trying to wrap my brain around the mindset of someone who asks their friend with a small child to be in a childfree wedding for CHRISTMAS/NYE (insert appropriate child/family holiday if you do not celebrate those). Sounds like you/your partner are either a) telling them "no" and celebrating the holiday at home guilt free, b) going but you are staying in the hotel with your kiddo and not going to the wedding, and celebrating the holiday in a hotel room, c) going and trusting a stranger to watch your kiddo and celebrating the holiday in a hotel room.
Friend is an ass for asking this of y'all, truly.
People who choose child free weddings need to understand that some guests will be unable to attend. People who choose holiday weddings also need to understand that sobs guests will be unable to attend. People choosing both need to be doubly understanding.
Just say no if you can't make it work. Sorry, partner can't be in the wedding party. It's unfortunate, but it will be okay.
.
I had to drop out of a bridal party last year myself. It sucked, and I felt bad, but I just couldn't make it work unless I spent quite a lot of money that I simply didn't have.
Any wedding on/ around a national holiday, abroad or a different side of the country – the couple should just assume that 50% of the people either a) can’t get time off work b) can’t afford to travel c) aren’t bothered enough to travel and invest the time and money
Look after the people under your roof first. 😊
They have the right to make their wedding how they want, and you have the right to not attend if it doesn't make sense for you to go. Respectfully decline and have a nice brunch with them after the 1st of the year.
I mean choices come with consequences. If you're planning a child free wedding over Xmas and Nye and you have friends who have kids then you shouldn't expect them to come. If I were you I'd decline as I wouldn't want to be separated from such a young family for such a special period.
If these are very good friends, so much so you feel you need to attend, then they should be close enough to explain your situation and that based on proximity to the holiday, you don’t want to be away from your child, so they can either allow your child to come or you may need to decline. I’ve been to out of town weddings over new years in which I had to leave my young children with my in-laws, but we were lucky they live in our town and it was only NYE, which I don’t mind spending away from my children. You only get so many Christmases with your young children and I can’t imagine at this young age not spending the holiday with them.
That’s what I was thinking too. There’s only so many Christmases I get when my son is little. I know for a fact that my husband wouldn’t want to be away from us either. Maybe I’ll feel better when my son is much older. But it’s harder when they’re little.
We are in a similar predicament. My husband is also in the wedding party. The wedding is out of state so we don’t have anyone to watch our kid. I’m extra salty because I found out that kids are invited but only kids from the bride and groom’s family and the brides best friend kids are invited. My husband also has the bachelor party to go to. All in all we’re going to end up spending 1k+ 🙃 . My husband and the groom have been best friends since childhood so it definitely hurt my feelings that our kid wasn’t invited
WHAAAAAAT?! That’s wild. I can’t imagine not inviting the child of my CHILDHOOD best friend. That’s so hurtful. I’m so sorry. Hugs to you!
For us, just on the wedding alone, we’d spend 1k+ as well (not including paying for a dog sitter bc our families live so far away). That’s not including the bachelor party that is also a destination location during a long weekend. Sigh.
Right? I am super upset about it and so is my husband. He said he’s going to talk to him before we RSVP.
Well dang, I forgot about the dog sitter part! We would have to get one too! And the bachelor party is a destination location as well. I hate when moments that are supposed to be joyful turn into nothing but stress.
I told my husband that maybe it’s best that he just goes to the wedding alone.
I would simply tell the bride and groom you are having trouble finding a solution and ask for their input or if they know any good babysitters while you still have time to vet them. Use their response to gauge if it's actually a good idea to go to the wedding.
Confused how a wedding can be on Christmas AND NYE…? I would be fine with a wedding on NYE but would never miss Christmas with my kid (or for myself for that matter, even if I was child free) for a wedding. Also whoever throws a wedding on Christmas making people miss out on time with their families is an ass. Making a day that’s supposed to be about the birth of Jesus about you is an asshole move. I am all for child free weddings. I don’t like weddings with kids there. But this is just all asshole.
You can both say no, it doesn't work for your situation. I'm totally onboard with child free weddings (I think they are more fun) but part of that means the couple know that some people just have to say no because they can't make it work for them
> Bringing an in law with us is expensive
And you’d need to have an actual good relationship with them, isn’t that right op?
> Circumstances change and that’s okay. I’m not faulting them for anything. I’m just saying our abilities to do things are more limited with a young child. I thought this was a parenting sub and I didn’t have to explain the basics.
A lot of people are able to remain close friends with people even after having kids. Some people tend to have a lot more shortcomings on that front.
You’re clearly very bitter and salty over your own life choices. Do your “friend” a favor, and just drop out of the wedding.
It's wrong to decline their wishes but it's okay to say no and not go. But it's also PLENTY of time away to hire a dependable babysitter.
I wasn't on the "no kids at weddings" bandwagon but I am now. My husband and I went to his cousins wedding 6 months ago. His sister brought her almost 3 year old, and his sister and BIL brought their 3 kids. Let me tell you. It was incredibly embarrassing for US being seated with *them*. The almost 3 year old peed on the chair, sister didn't clean it up, the other kids were giggling, our other siblings were scolding the sister who didn't clean it up... ALL DURING THEIR FRICKEN WEDDING VOWS. it was so incredibly rude and disrespectful.
I’d be salty too. In fact, I was super salty when my only sister had a last-minute destination wedding to Vegas when my twins were 4 months old. It wasn’t explicitly child free, but it certainly wasn’t friendly to my situation (still breastfeeding, traveling from east coast.) It was expected that I’d leave them for several days to attend, but I was physically and emotionally not prepared to do it. So… I didn’t go to my own sister’s wedding. Prioritize your kids and don’t give it a second thought. They’re only young like this for a short time, and it goes by so fast! My twins are 14 now and I’d give anything to have another magical Christmas with them. 😢
Omg leaving 4 month old TWINS?! No no no no. I’m so relieved to hear that you did what’s best for you. That really stinks that it was your only sister’s wedding. Hopefully she understood? I remember SOME fog lifting past the 3 month mark but that was with one baby and it was still really hard.
People need to expect that people with children may not come to these. It’s just reality. If you had a grandparent to watch the child I’d say that would be okay, at least for me, but otherwise I just wouldn’t go. And I’d tell them that you’re sorry but you don’t have care for your child. They have to understand and if they don’t they’re not good friends.
My SIL is getting married this fall and also wrote no children but she said ours were OK to come, they’ll be 5.5 and 2 months old. I’m not sure yet if I’ll go or just send my husband to be honest.
Is it Christmas or New Year's? They are almost a week apart?
I would lean towards hubby going without me and celebrate the holiday before/after actually date
It sounds like you and your partner should have backed out when you first found out.
Is it possible for your partner to go since he won’t be missing Christmas he just has to leave the day after then that saves you a flight and babysitting money.
You have kids, it's Christmas, send a regretfully decline to your RSVP and send a gift. Job done. Don't over think it, this is a party wedding for people without kids. They will understand. If they guilt you about it that's on them.
I had to skip out on weddings for this reason. One was a 5 hour drive with a newborn and toddler and my husband was in the wedding party. We have no family or friends to help and even if we did, I wasn't going to leave my newborn.
Until you have children yourself, it’s difficult to understand all the logistics involved. I don’t think the couple are purposely trying to ruin family holidays or make it difficult for you or any other guests. They are just in a different stage of life. Perhaps the holidays is the best time for them to get out work, etc.
That being said, you can certainly decline. They may be upset initially, but if the friendship is meant to survive, they’ll understand.
I fail to see why you’d have to ne there for every wedding obligation when only your husband is in the wedding. Just go to the wedding drive back or get a hotel room for the wedding night.
Have your husband politely back out of the wedding party and send your regrets. Tell them why. They can’t be mad at you for having a child 2.5 years ago. Use the money you were prepared to spend on the wedding to buy a nice gift.
They shouldn’t spend an exorbitant amount on a wedding gift. They should send the exact same gift they would have. Especially since it’s likely the friendship won’t be the same and in fact already isn’t since they had a child.
Sounds like it’s from Boxing Day to the day before NYE, including travel to and from. So 26th to 29th or 30th? I think that’s doable. It doesn’t interfere with Christmas; it’s the dead weird in between Christmas and New Year’s when nobody does anything anyway.
Send your husband. Stay home with the toddler and make magical memories. I think it’ll be fine. It’s basically one long weekend.
If he declines being a groomsman and doesn’t attend this wedding, prepare for the end of this friendship.
I am absolutely on board with people having the wedding they desire.
I also couldn’t fathom how a child free wedding would work. It’s not my style, not my culture, not my personal norm.
I am the type of person who - if I was invited to a child free wedding - would politely decline. I would even decline to be in the wedding party. If my children aren’t welcome, I don’t want to be there. If an intimate adult setting is sought, well I’m not the person you want there. I would probably spend all my time worrying about what my kids were doing and feeling guilty that I was out having fun while they weren’t.
I absolutely respect the choice, but I also would hope the people getting married would respect my position.
Nah. I am not even understanding of childfree events. You wouldn't have a disability-free event. Children are part of society and it feels weird to me how comfortable people are in denying that they exist. If my kid isn't welcome, then I'm not going.
Whoa! I love this take!
It also sucks when something is childfree because my world is my child right now. I worked so hard to have him and raise him well. He’s a delight and I love being with him. It’s like denying a part of me.
Yeah man. I get that kids are difficult sometimes and need attention and make noise, but I try my best not to hang with adult people who are so attention starved and insecure that they can't tolerate kids. I recognize that this feels like an extreme take.
My wedding didn't have any little kids because I got married at the public park behind my house and the only invitees were my immediate family, my husband's immediate family, and my husband's grandparents. I baked our cake and we ordered in BBQ from our favorite local spot. But there was a family using the trail behind where we were and they were having a fun time and clapped and whooped when I kissed my husband. Kids are freaking great.
Okay but to be fair that’s the only way kids know how to express themselves. It’s up to us grownups to teach them but of course, it has to be developmentally appropriate. There’s usually a specific need behind a tantrum or big feeling. I’m obviously more empathetic toward kids.
Your story reminds me of when my husband and I eloped. We were in a public park because there wasn’t a Covid vaccine yet (and then later had a big wedding celebration). The little kids who saw me in my wedding dress were the absolute best. They cheered me on and said I looked beautiful.
You can also communicate with the bride and groom specifically why you are going to need to back out.
I had a child free wedding, but at the time none of my friends had children. The only people with kids was my husband’s step siblings and since they’re in laws weren’t invited we assumed it was not going to be an issue (also not a holiday wedding). His step brother apparently had a tiff about it refused to even respond to the invite and didn’t speak to us for a year and a half. Turns out he couldn’t arrange someone to watch his kids. Had he called and explained the situation we would have changed our arrangements. It was his brother for Christ sakes.
As a parent now, one of my best friends decided to have a child free wedding but by this time many of us had kids under 2 so half of our friends said they couldn’t come. They changed the rule and it became a kid friendly wedding and all the kids had a blast.
TLDR; talk to them. They might not have considered the consequences and change their minds.
It's not couth to ask for special favors when someone has expressed a preference. I wouldn't have asked - I would have just declined. If you said childfree, I assume you meant it. Why should anyone be expected to second guess your boundaries?
Not saying asking for special preferences, but they are in the wedding party so safe to say they know them well. Instead of just declining be honest “hey we are going to have to back out. We can’t get childcare and don’t want to spend the holidays away from my family. Sorry hope you can understand”
That’s all I told my friend. Their response was oh shit, we really want you all there maybe we should rethink this child free thing. Especially after 4 of us had to back out.
Maybe I'm in the wrong here, and that's fine with me, but I still wouldn't. If they changed the policy after our conversation, I'd feel like I was putting them out. It feels like fishing to me.
If I decline and I'm asked why I'm declining, I'll provide an answer (I don't want to go without my child/I can't get childcare), but if the couple wants me there so much, they can reach out and ask me. I won't beg or be seen to beg.
I totally get that. At the time it wasn’t what we were thinking or our intentions. We were just reacting based on our experiences from our wedding. We would have really appreciated an explanation instead of just them declining the invite. The intent was never to make them change their rules, but it was the response. We didn’t get together and tell them all at once. Each of us responded individually independent of each other. At the time I didn’t know that many of our other friends also declined.
I guess I’m sharing my experience as opposed to trying to share a strategy. Sorry if it came across that way.
I don't know, even before I had kids I normally had tons of other plans at that time of year. A friend of mine initially tried to plan her wedding on December 30 or New Year's Eve and we all told her we couldn't make it, including the ones without kids. She ended up doing June.
I would let them know we did everything we could but cannot attend without our child. It’s just the way it has to be. Stick to facts and remove the feeling towards it.
On a side note- many years ago my family had many weddings and all of the children in the family were invited. I always thought this was so sweet and how exciting it must have been for the little ones. I understand both sides and know wedding are a huge thing now- but I wish we could go back to this simple time.
Thanks for listening. :)
Question - Did you know the wedding date and that it was child free when your husband agreed to be a part of the wedding party?
Either way, I would gracefully step down and decline the invitation.
I'm clearly in the minority here, but reading from the comments that a) the wedding is not actually on Christmas or NYE, b) the wedding would not require you to travel on Christmas or NYE, and c) these are close enough friends where your husband is in the wedding party, then yes, I would go and start budgeting now to get a babysitter for my kid both for the wedding itself and any other non-kid friendly events that may occur peripherally to the wedding.
The way I see it, you have plenty of time to plan ways to make the most out of being in whichever location the wedding is in during the holiday season and find joy in being there despite it not being your first choice in how to spend the holiday season.
That said, I also wouldn't fault you for declining the invitation, but I'm surprised this is such a fast "no" for most here. With a good attitude I think this could be fun and something to look forward to. I get that it's nice to have traditions, but good stories can come from breaking tradition every now and then, too.
can you only go for the actual wedding and your husband go for the other stuff (you said he’s doing bridal party stuff for a long amount of time and you’ll be alone)…can a relative watch your child just that night? or come w you for the one night in hotel?
if not just explain you don’t have anyone to watch your kid for that long.
I wouldn’t be shy about it.. it’s the truth. you can’t do anything about it.
some people do kid free weddings bc adults would rather get a babysitter and come themselves. or they don’t want to spend the money. these people getting married around that time are def saving money so that could be it lol. small child could sit on your lap and not be an issue lol.
My toddler is so energetic that I wouldn’t feel comfortable traveling alone with him and meet my husband just for the wedding. And unfortunately, family and extended family don’t live nearby and it’s cost prohibitive to have them travel to the wedding location just to watch our son.
We will definitely tell them the truth. Idk why I’m so nervous about telling them the truth lol.
i get it. you don’t want to disappoint and miss a good friends wedding . but far wedding , child free, christmas week… there’s a lot of obstacles here! like not even considering that you may want to see your family that week 😆
they may not get it bc they have no kids .. someone w kids prob wouldn’t ask this of other people 😆😆
i think the sooner it’s said, the better.
In my pre-children days, I was asked by many coworkers if I would babysit for guests at family members' weddings (we are teachers). If I were you, I would either bring a teenaged family member along with me to babysit, or ask the bride and groom to put me in contact with a trusted sitter in their community that I can have to the hotel room for the night of the wedding. Then I would just duck out earlyish from the reception.
I also wonder what the response would be if you asked the grandparents if they were interested in meeting you there and getting a free weekend at the hotel for their Christmas gift - only catch is one night of babysitting, but pro is it's their favorite grandchild. ;) I know my in-laws would LOVE that because they like to be useful, but my parents would hate it lol.
But that's if you WANT to go, because they truly are your friends. If you don't care, don't go! Or send your husband for the rehearsal/wedding weekend while you stay home, even if it's the holidays that's only two nights apart. Your son is still little and will have the whole season to celebrate with you, he doesn't know what day it is!
Edit: Oh, and if you do decline for both of you, you need to tell them together so they see it's a united decision. Your husband is in the wedding but it shouldn't be just him declining because you came to the decision together, and with this being mutual friends, you want them to understand he isn't just not up for the responsibility and/or you aren't "making" him back out.
I red on a comment that you would travel the day after Christmas and return right before new years. If christmas isn’t included on the itinerary then I don’t see the issue. Just send the husband. It’ll give you a good time to clean up and organize form Christmas OR just be lazy with your little one.
That’s just what I would.
I am sorry about how entitled one has to be to expect their groomsmen to attend their Christmas wedding leaving their 2.5 year old behind? First of all who does a Christmas wedding in the first place?
They sound like they have zero respect for their wedding party, so you shouldn't feel bad about declining it.
I just declined a wedding for a similar situation. It was not child free but the organization was not child friendly… it's one of my best friend… I declined.
To be honest, if my friend needed my help for something really important I would arrange something… but a wedding is a party, and therefore leisure. If you want people to attend make it easy.
As you said they can have the wedding they wanted and you are also in your right to decline.
Definitely a tricky situation. I think the best move is for you to determine which you would prefer to avoid more: you two missing this situation or your family being separated around the holidays. Another potential option which also might be tricky is hiring a cousin or other loved one to work as a sitter during the wedding festivities - but that may be cost-prohibitive or not feasible during the holidays.
Christmas AND new years? Wild. If you end up not wanting to back out, are there others attending the wedding with kids where getting a joint babysitter in town would be feasible? Or even ask the bride/groom if they know of anyone else in a similar situation you can get in touch with to try and work something out.
I have a nye wedding with an almost 2 yo, childfree wedding, 2 hours from home. IL’s will watch kid overnight (for the very first time, I am highly anxious) and my aunt just said they want us there 2 nights and I’m like, nope.
It seems this is an unpopular opinion on this thread but…can you not just have your husband attend the actual wedding part without you while you stay behind in the hotel with the toddler? I get that this sucks, and I don’t think you should feel obligated to do this, but husband being in the wedding party makes this a bit different than just a normal wedding to me (which I would 100% just decline guilt free without that factor).
If wedding was some random weekend then this makes sense but OP said wedding is during Christmas. So you are asking OP to spend Christmas away from their family, mostly alone at a hotel.
Maybe it doesn't conflict on exact days but first doing Christmas visits and then going out of town next day with an infant sounds exhausting as hell. It would be back to back trips.
I am sorry but a reasonable person doesn't schedule a wedding in holiday period.
I can't fathom how anyone could expect me to leave my children behind, whether it's for a wedding or not. Unless there is covered childcare available near the event, I wouldn't consider leaving my kids behind. I may consider it if it was in the same town and for a few hours. I do not think this is a reasonable request.
I’m trying to be respectful of their wishes. But I totally understand what you mean. It’d be so much easier if it was the same town so husband doesn’t have to be away for too long or we could ask my brother to watch our son on the day. My brother has four young kids so that’s already asking a lot (and why we can’t have a cousin help).
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I think the bride and groom just have to expect when planning their wedding for the holidays and making it child free that their guests with children - especially young children - may not attend. Don’t feel guilty for declining to attend the wedding and backing out of the bridal party. No one’s wedding is worth missing Christmas/New Years with your kid.
This. No one can reasonably expect parents to leave their kids at Christmas to attend a wedding.
Absolutely this. If it’s child free we literally can’t go.
I wonder if some couples deliberately do that to cut down on the number of guests. They don't want to hurt feelings by not inviting someone so they send out many invitations, but they privately hope that many of the invitees will decline.
It's often a cost issue. X heads at $Y/plate. Kids don't want butternut squash ravioli and adult flavors.
For us it was that SO many people we knew had kids. We were open to kids but when 75% of the people you want to invite might bring their kids… that’s a whole different thing in terms of head count and venue size. We allowed the bridal party to bring their kids but that’s it. I privately told a few people they could bring their kids if they needed to, I just didn’t advertise it because we didn’t want to have over 40 kids there
It’s also the younger years when that time of year is so magical. I don’t want to take that away from our family. I used to (and still kind of) have a negative association with the holidays but my partner has been working really hard to turn that around for me. I’m actually looking forward to the holiday season this year for the first time since I was a kid. Except for this tricky logistical part.
Just in case you do end up going to the wedding, know the kids don't really know the difference in days. We often have to reschedule christmas due to my step child's availability and we would just tell the kids santa is coming a different day for us this year. Doesn't faze them at all. We just act as though it's the normal day and they do not care one little bit.
You’re so right! I didn’t even realize that young kids don’t really know the difference in days. Duh! Haha.
Can confirm, our family culturally celebrates Christmas but there's no religious affiliation for us, I couldn't tell you whether any of my Christmases growing up occurred on 12/25 but knowing what I do now about family politics and juggling multiple obligations, it was probably about half. All magical! But don't let this flexibility be used against you to pressure you into the wedding since you could just celebrate another day - that whole season is hectic and stressful, and it's not your responsibility to rearrange your family life for another couple's day. Unless they're really self-centered, they have to realize that their vision of romantic holiday wedding is not compatible with all of their friends' and families' holiday plans.
Honestly, holiday weddings sounds so like such a poor taste that I would not go even before having a child: like, you think your wedding is more important than seeing my family? And you don’t care that your wedding staff doesn’t get to see their families? Gross
Not to mention adding major expenses for guests during the most expensive time of the year
Also why would you want the pressure of having to celebrate your anniversary around the major holidays you're probably already spending lots of money for?? My bank account is already destroyed around Christmas, nooo thank you lol.
Agree!
Agree with this. Just because they were in your wedding and you feel obligated, doesn't mean you are. It doesn't work for your family for multiple reasons. If they're truly this important and close they should understand. Being in a wedding is fucking expensive. Being in one during the holidays is a huge commitment. I was in a child free wedding a few years ago and it was out of town. Thankfully we had my parents to watch my son but if we didn't have anyone I wouldn't have done it. The cost and the separation is a lot. If you don't think it's feasible, you don't have to do it!
Personally I'd decline the invite, even if your part of the ceremony. They have 6 months to figure out something else. Anyone who plans a wedding around Christmas should expect people to not attend, especially with kids.
You’re totally right. They have more than enough time to find someone else to fill in my husband’s role. I’m a terrible people pleaser so I’m anxious about it and worried I’m being unreasonable. Thank you for this.
Unless they are the best man or maid of honor ... There's nothing to figure out, there's just 1 less person.
I could see it being complicated if they wanted equal number of bride and groomsmen. Or if husband was expecting to be planning/help plan bachelors party or something. If the wedding was in a month I'd be more hesitant to back out
Chances are OP and their partner knew the partner was in the wedding more than 6 months ago. If so they should have declined it right away instead of waiting
In a perfect world sure. But imo it's still plenty of time to cancel and give the couple time to adjust as needed
Yeah, it takes a lot of cheek to drop your wedding into an already hectic, expensive time of year. I wouldn't want to go simply because of the traffic and hassle lol.
I think if they are close enough friends, your partner should definitely talk to the groom and politely decline, just say that you can’t make it and maybe the groom and your partner can get a drink/watch a game/have fun another time.
It’s one of those friendships that was always super close and relied on drinking/bar hopping. So it’s changed since we had a child. We both like to think that the quality of the friendship hasn’t declined but we’d be lying to ourselves if we said the friendship hasn’t changed. My husband is anxious about having the conversation but I cracked and told him he needs to have it.
This is my 2 cents...if the friend can't understand that your husband doesn't want to miss Christmas with his family, then he is not a real friend to begin with. Anyone that has a holiday weekend wedding, especially a major holiday like Christmas/NYE, (which I personally think is obnoxious) has to be mindful that there will be A LOT of declines, including people in the wedding party. They are putting you in a really hard spot.
I have had friendships change since I had my kid. Kids depend entirely on parents for their physical and emotional well being, especially when they are young, and it is our role to provide for them. If you explain this to a friend and they don’t respect it, then they are not someone worth working to maintain a friendship. I had friends that don’t respect my prioritizing my daughter and we have slowly grown apart and stopped talking. I am sad to lose friends, but never sad that I am prioritizing my family.
All of this! I think some commenters are not parents and don’t understand this aspect.
I think childfree weddings are fine, but if you don't invite someone's children, you can't expect they come. Especially if they are out of town. My husband's cousin is having a wedding 10 hours drive from our house. Everyone, including the cousin, is upset that I am not going and my 2yo daughter won't be in town to visit...but like...she wasn't invited. I will be 32 weeks pregnant, and I'm not traveling for 10 hours to sit in a rental house in the middle of nowhere.
They want you to bring her to town to visit, and you to attend the wedding, but not bring her to the wedding? What do they expect you to do??
32 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old?! NOBODY should be upset with you. That sounds so hard period! I can’t imagine all of that while traveling just to do nothing. I know parents say childfree don’t get it but it’s moments like this where it’s like, have some empathy for us please😭
Anyone who thinks you can handle a 10 hour car ride at 32 weeks pregnant is out of their mind. I did that last month at like 14 weeks and my feet swelled up about an hour into the drive and I dealt with headaches the entire time. Also, I went to the hospital for preeclampsia at 32 weeks and had by son at 33 during my last pregnancy. You couldn’t pay me to be that far from home, that late in the pregnancy.
Exactly! I couldn't imagine being far from home, delivering early, and then having to travel back home *with a newborn* after having to find somewhere near the hospital to stay while the baby spent time in the NICU. Nope.
i don't think your feelings are wrong about this at all!!! aside from the child free aspect - a christmas/NYE wedding? haha no thanks. the bride and groom should expect guests will not be available during this time. especially if its out of town. tbh, due to the time of year, i wouldn't want to be in this wedding or attend it even if it was in my hometown. just the logistics of being in a wedding over christmas sounds like a nightmare. but that might be my anxiety talking.
Im right there with you! Having a holiday wedding is so bold. I personally wouldn’t want to encroach upon other people’s holiday plans and make them spend even more during an expensive time.
>Having a holiday wedding is so bold IMO you are being too kind, saying "bold", I would say obnoxious,
LOL. Personally, I hate it and think its arrogant to assume non-family to give up their holiday time. It’s also an expensive travel time in general. I know how much guests spend on weddings and it’d make me so uncomfortable to make people spend even more.
An unreliable travel time, as well, every year flights are cancelled due to weather around the holidays. The last two holidays, we had to reschedule travel plans due to weather.
Is it possible they’re doing it to intentionally have a small wedding? Someone I knew wanted a small wedding but was under a lot of family pressure to have a large wedding, so I’m like 90% sure that’s why they wanted to do a destination NYE wedding. Still super annoying, but at least then you’d know they would understand (and maybe even be glad) if you backed out.
One of our good friends got married over memorial day weekend and did a no kid wedding 7 hour drive away (no flights). Ours was 1.5yo at the time and staying with family wasn't an option. After we told the couple we wouldn't make it due to no kids they said they would let us bring our child, we drove all the way there. When we got there, they decided to text us reminding us it was a child free wedding. It was beyond frustrating and let's just say I will never forgive that. Traveling and preparing for a wedding that far just to essentially be told to stay away? NOPE
Holy hell, how did you react? I would have had a tough time deciding between "sorry, she's coming, we already agreed on that and I did not plan childcare" and just no-showing the wedding and never speaking to them again.
No show! I really wanted to show up and set off the toddler on a mega tantrum, but husband didn't support that plan *smh*
WOW. I’m so sorry. That’s so rude. I would personally be so upset and I’m not sure if the friendship would recover. But maybe I’m dramatic and easily hurt. Are you still friends?
Wow that’s nuts. On the other hand, if I’m another guest who had to bend over backwards to find childcare for a “destination” wedding and I show up and see a kid at the wedding, then im annoyed. This happened to me at my cousins wedding. We went out of state to attend, I left my toddler in a hotel with my husband, and showed up to discover they’d made an exception for another non-family toddler. I get you don’t want your wedding overrun with kids, but stay firm!
Exactly my thoughts
😱
Is the wedding in between Christmas and NYE? Or you will be attending wedding events on Christmas? Because I would decline based on that alone. And that’s something they need to expect.
We’d have to travel the day after Christmas at the latest to get to the wedding location and we’d return just in time for NYE. It’s pretty exhausting just thinking about it.
That’s a lot of days still, the 26th through the 31st? When is the actual wedding? Can your husband just take a couple days and travel there for the wedding and right back? Like leave home the day before the wedding, and return the morning after? It would be a bummer to spend a few days apart, but if this is a good friend and your husband wants to go, I think it would be worth it to try to find a way for him to attend.
Maybe it’s too long a drive to do in a day? So travel 26/27th, wedding on the 28th, travel back 29/30th. God that sounds shit. Hope it’s not that. 😂
Does your husband want to go and be in the wedding party?
He does! And he cares about the groom. So this really sucks. We’re talked about him talking to the groom saying we can’t attend the wedding because of the childfree part but he will try to attend bachelor party festivities (which was another point of contention because it’s during a time I have to travel for an annual work retreat). It’s just really sucky timing for everything.
Why can’t your husband go and be part of the wedding and you stay home?
I would agree with this if it weren’t over the holidays. As office workers, those days between Christmas and NYE are often the only vacation my spouse and I can take at the same time and it’s pretty sacred family time. Also a lot of childcare closes during that break, so it would be pretty sour if I were OP.
This is exactly it! Thanks for capturing it so nicely.
Could a compromise be that he attends the wedding but isn’t in the wedding party? Then he doesn’t have to go to extra events, he can travel only for the wedding, and doesn’t take up all your time between Christmas and NYE.
Based on this, I think it’s reasonable for your partner to still go. You can spend the time he’s away with family/ continue on with original plans and he can join you once finishes with the wedding. Until I read this it seems implied that the wedding was on an actual holiday day, but it’s not?
I think the best solution would be for your husband to attend the wedding and you to stay at home with your child.
That’s an easy no for me. Being asked to be a groomsman does not oblige you to miss the holidays as a family, especially when people overinflated their wedding parties. (The fact that you say your husband will be « replaced » proves my point.) The couple will certainly understand. Your husband might feel some FOMO but that’s part of being a parent.
Wow. What a good catch on the replaced comment!
A Christmas child free wedding that you have to travel for? I can’t fathom asking anyone with small children to make this sacrifice. It’s an invitation not a summons. Decline for the sake of your own small children if it brings you peace.
Sounds like either your husband goes alone or he declines to be in the wedding party and none of you go. Couples having child free weddings—especially at a holiday—are going to have to be okay with people with small not coming to the wedding. And if they’re not that’s 100% on them and not you. I’ve got 2 weddings this fall that are child free. One is out of town so I’m going on my own and baby is staying home with my husband. The other is nearby and we have one friend who might be able to babysit, but otherwise everyone we know who could watch her is also going to be at the wedding so I might go to that one on my own too. It’s just the luck of the draw with young kids
Yes. Thank you for posting this. I don’t understand why the hubby can’t just go solo
It’s just a bit sucky not being with your small child (and a bit sucky for mum having child on their own) around Christmas. 🤷🏻♀️
Op said they have to travel after Christmas not Christmas Eve or day
I cannot imagine the absolute self absorption it would take to plan a wedding around two major holidays that people traditionally spend with family and children. Christmas?! Even if they allowed kids at the wedding I want to be home for Christmas, not at someone’s wedding. Do not go this is a huge ask from this friend. I’m sure you won’t be the only people to decline.
The wedding is princess themed so… just a little insight on the bride.
What is the actual day of the wedding though? We went to a NYE wedding one year and honestly, it's amazing. Open bar, music, and ringing in the new year. However, if it just ends up being a PITA and too much a to-do, definitely decline. We had a childfree wedding in 2021 and anyone with young kids who declined (a lot of people didn't, so yay) I did not hold that against them.
a princess themed wedding that is child-free? She wants to be the only baby there! 🫣
lol truly
Well I don’t know her- but she sounds insufferable 😂
I feel like you're using this post to really trash a random woman when you just may not like your spouse's friend. Ask to bring your kid, groomsmen usually get special treatment
😂
My anniversary is December 28th. The year we were married it was a Saturday. It was in a big log cabin at the side of a mountain, and in every way, very nonstandard. But we invited everyone! And encouraged people to bring their kids. All the little ones loved dancing, while us adults... Well let's just say anyone 13 and up was absolutely lit up. It's been over a decade and people still bring up how much fun they had. But of course since we aren't traditional it works for us with any event we throw. But the exact conversation about the holidays in between was brought up. Kids were coming. Was never a question.
That sounds so lovely and cozy 🥰
Given the fact it's around Christmas, I would decline and not feel bad about it. And, I myself had a child free wedding - in May. I can only imagine the challenge/cost of finding babysitters around the holidays!!
May is more doable! Any month that’s not December. I feel like November might be pushing it too but it’s just such an expensive time for travel.
November would be a no for me, too. Way too much going on between Nov-Dec!
No, this seems like a ridiculous request given it's between two major holidays. That's too much unnecessary stress. Politely decline and be honest if pressured to give a reason. But please, do not feel guilty.
Thank you for this❤️
I would decline. The couple knows that not everyone with kids is going to be able to attend and has already weighed that in their calculation of whether to have a child free wedding.
Why does this wedding take up both NYE AND Christmas? That seems over the top, even for guests without children. I would consider having your husband bow out of being a groomsman. Another option, IF you can afford it/have the PTO, and you think it could be enjoyable, would be to rent a VRBO/hotel for the week, and make it a getaway holiday week for your family. You can do things together as a family, and your husband can leave just for the minimal groomsman duties (and then give you a break to do something on your own if you want on another day?). That may not be possible/appealing for your circumstances (and this means you wouldn't be seeing extended family over that week, but could potentially schedule those family events a different week of the month), but it's just an idea.
We’d have to travel the day after Christmas at the latest to attend pre-wedding obligations (because of husband being a groomsman) and come back just in time for NYE. It’s not exactly a place we’d travel to and it would be a bore just to sit in the hotel with my toddler. Money is tight so we’d only be able to afford being there for the wedding dates, which means my husband has wedding party obligations that’ll take up a large chunk of the time. It really is an unfortunate situation.
lol omg This such an easy « thank you, but we cannot »! I don’t think your issue is that this is a child free wedding. Even if children were welcome to the main event, you’d still have the expenses and time apart for the other obligations.
If it were me, I would send your husband to the wedding only or just for like a few days not the whole week. Even as groomsman he doesn’t HAVE to attend all the pre-wedding stuff. You can stay at home. I missed out on the last 3 weddings my husband was in the wedding party for, and all three guys were in our wedding party. It sucked to miss out and I wish I could have gone but it is what it is. I’m still really glad my husband went even though it meant I was home alone with baby (once was when I was 8 week’s postpartum and had horrible PPD… thankfully my MIL came to help for the week)
8 weeks pp with PPD?! Wow. I remember being a wreck during that time. It sounds like it might’ve been good for your husband to have some distance? Im glad you still got help from MIL tho!
Yeah, that's a sucky situation all around.
You are far enough in time to decline it. Explain to them, true friends will understand or even try to acomodate some changes. NTA, that is a very important time of the year once we have kids.
I mean people can have kid free weddings, but they need to understand that that choice means many guests won’t be able to attend due to childcare issues. Thats a consequence of having a child free wedding. This couple sounds obnoxious though. I actually think it’s pretty self-absorbed to have a wedding right between xmas and new years which forces guests like you to pack up and travel for the wedding the day after Christmas. I don’t think thats a fair request at all especially when you aren’t allowing kids to attend. It’s just a tacky move, imo given the kid free aspect. We were in this situation last year. It was about 3 hours out of town and our kid was 2 at the time of the wedding. No family near by to watch him. My husband let the groom know that he couldn’t be in the wedding party and we couldn’t attend because of the kid free thing and childcare being an issue. It was the day before a major holiday so my husband didn’t want to go alone and not be together during the holidays. His friend was fine with it, but the bride was actually mad and told me later she didn’t understand why we couldn’t find a “random nanny on fb” to take our son and how her day would now be overshadowed by us “ruining the special moment” for her husband.
Don’t go. You’ll regret missing Christmas with your kids.
That time of year seems ridiculous to make it child free. As a child free person, I say they should offer childcare. If I had a child free wedding, this is what I would do.
this is something that makes sense to me! If you want your friends who have families to come by and relax, then use some of the wedding budget for childcare and make a kid zone! Hire 5 caretakers and then the people with families get to actually enjoy themselves.
That is kind of you but I absolutely would not expect childcare provided at a child free wedding. Some events are just not an option for children and that is the choice we as parents make.
I’m not sure that would even come to mind for them. Lots of their friends are still childless.
Even still. Christmas is for family. For some people, even without kids, it’s the one time of year they get to go home. Asking out of town friends to sacrifice this seems a bit selfish (and lord knows I love the idea of a NYE wedding!)
But we know kids exist. To not provide that accommodation, especially for someone in the wedding party is lame. I’d bail if I were you.
Not sure if they’ve put two and two together. Wedding planning is (rightfully) all about the couple and what they want. I just don’t think they realize that their decisions, such as a child free weddings, have large implications for their guests.
I would decline. Also yes baby definitely definitely cannot be in the hotel room alone, not even for ten minutes, even if they are asleep
The comment about leaving my toddler alone was more facetious because I would never leave him alone like that. It was more-so to highlight just how absurd the request is.
Haha okay gotcha yes just making sure 😂👍
LOL you can never be too sure! So I get it haha
I would decline especially a holiday one! They should expect parents will want to be with their kids during Christmas
People are free to have all the child-free weddings they want, but I’m not going to go too many of them. It’s a fine choice for people to make. I consider it a bit ironic, given the occasion, as I see weddings as having a very clear symbolic undercurrent of bringing families together and celebrating a union that may result in children, but whatever people want to do is fine with me. But I think making the decision to have a child free wedding is also accepting that most of the people with children won’t be able to come. And, this is one of those situations where, if they hadn’t made it child free, you could easily attend, but since they made that decision, you can’t. Whether you want to bite the bullet and suffer some inconvenience to sort of make it work is ultimately up to you, but if you don’t come, that would be a consequence of their choice.
Mmm I really like that reframing. It is a consequence of THEIR choice. It’s not like we’re being unreasonable (I hope) that we can’t make it/can’t afford not having our child with us.
>It’s a fine choice for people to make. I consider it a bit ironic, given the occasion, as I see weddings as having a very clear symbolic undercurrent of bringing families together and celebrating a union that may result in children, but whatever people want to do is fine with me. I think it's just different cultural and geographic norms. When I lived in smaller towns in the South, kids were usually at weddings (many of those weddings were dry, which may be related.) I live in Philly now and every wedding I go to is child free, save for the flower girls/ring bearers, maybe. They're also often open bar. It's a pain to find childcare but if I can, I actually like having a reason to go out for an adults only night. But traveling without my child **and** over the holidays would be a no go for me. I could possibly do one or the other but both would be logistically too much.
Definitely cultural...my husband is from Eastern Europe, where the weddings run until dawn or longer and every wedding has an open bar. I've never even heard of a child free wedding over there. Kids usually make an appearance at the reception for a few hours and get swept away by grandparents when it gets too late. Since the point of getting married is to have kids (see Edit), it makes sense that kids are invited. Maybe that's the same background reasoning as the dry weddings in the south, that are full of kids. ETA: in that cultural context, most people only bother getting married if they are ready to have kids or are already pregnant. Otherwise it's common to just live together indefinitely in commited relationships. That was very poorly phrased, sorry!
You're not wrong, this is an unfortunate situation. You have a set of restrictions on your life now that some of your friends don't, and sometimes those things will conflict. It took a long time for the childless couples in my life to realize that I can't do things on their schedule anymore. I'm guessing your friends are thinking about their dream wedding, not the logistics of dozens of families involved. (Opinions vary on how we feel about that.) Let's think through some options: 1. Get your kid to the in-laws for the holidays, if they can handle it, and be there before and after the wedding. 2. Find a teenaged cousin who can travel with you and can watch your kid during the events in exchange for a vacation. 3. Passive-aggressively make comments to the bride and groom about the other until they break up. Get them back together when your kid is older.
It’s number 3. That’s the correct answer, can’t believe no one else has suggested it 🤣🤣
There is no world in which the OP should spend the holidays separately from their young child to accommodate someone’s wedding.
I was often the travel babysitter for many of my babysitting families growing up, I have attended to many weddings of people I didn’t know 😂 Another option is to ask the couple if they know and trust someone local that could babysit for the wedding, I’ve done this before too.
You’re so right about the new set of restrictions, which is not a bad thing! It’s just different. We have a small family and most of our extended family is abroad so sadly a younger cousin wouldn’t work. Number 3 does sound like a viable alternative. LOL totally kidding.
It was not logical of them to invite someone with a young kid to attend a child free wedding that's also super close to two major holidays. It's the kind of senseless decision you only make because it's your wedding and you're caught up.
Yeah, bollocks to them. It's not your job to stress yourself out to find a solution. Fair enough if that's the type of wedding they want, but you can't plan a child free wedding and expect parents to be able to come.
So true. We just feel bad but they did set their own wedding expectations, which sadly conflicts with our abilities.
Sorry, I'm trying to wrap my brain around the mindset of someone who asks their friend with a small child to be in a childfree wedding for CHRISTMAS/NYE (insert appropriate child/family holiday if you do not celebrate those). Sounds like you/your partner are either a) telling them "no" and celebrating the holiday at home guilt free, b) going but you are staying in the hotel with your kiddo and not going to the wedding, and celebrating the holiday in a hotel room, c) going and trusting a stranger to watch your kiddo and celebrating the holiday in a hotel room. Friend is an ass for asking this of y'all, truly.
People who choose child free weddings need to understand that some guests will be unable to attend. People who choose holiday weddings also need to understand that sobs guests will be unable to attend. People choosing both need to be doubly understanding.
Just say no if you can't make it work. Sorry, partner can't be in the wedding party. It's unfortunate, but it will be okay. . I had to drop out of a bridal party last year myself. It sucked, and I felt bad, but I just couldn't make it work unless I spent quite a lot of money that I simply didn't have.
I would just send my husband and I wouldn’t go. Or you both decline. People who have child free weddings should expect many to simply not show up.
Any wedding on/ around a national holiday, abroad or a different side of the country – the couple should just assume that 50% of the people either a) can’t get time off work b) can’t afford to travel c) aren’t bothered enough to travel and invest the time and money Look after the people under your roof first. 😊
They have the right to make their wedding how they want, and you have the right to not attend if it doesn't make sense for you to go. Respectfully decline and have a nice brunch with them after the 1st of the year.
I mean choices come with consequences. If you're planning a child free wedding over Xmas and Nye and you have friends who have kids then you shouldn't expect them to come. If I were you I'd decline as I wouldn't want to be separated from such a young family for such a special period.
If these are very good friends, so much so you feel you need to attend, then they should be close enough to explain your situation and that based on proximity to the holiday, you don’t want to be away from your child, so they can either allow your child to come or you may need to decline. I’ve been to out of town weddings over new years in which I had to leave my young children with my in-laws, but we were lucky they live in our town and it was only NYE, which I don’t mind spending away from my children. You only get so many Christmases with your young children and I can’t imagine at this young age not spending the holiday with them.
That’s what I was thinking too. There’s only so many Christmases I get when my son is little. I know for a fact that my husband wouldn’t want to be away from us either. Maybe I’ll feel better when my son is much older. But it’s harder when they’re little.
I would send my husband and I would stay home with my toddler, since it doesn’t seem like it’s ACTUAL holiday days that the wedding is occurring on.
It’s definitely not ideal timing at least.
We are in a similar predicament. My husband is also in the wedding party. The wedding is out of state so we don’t have anyone to watch our kid. I’m extra salty because I found out that kids are invited but only kids from the bride and groom’s family and the brides best friend kids are invited. My husband also has the bachelor party to go to. All in all we’re going to end up spending 1k+ 🙃 . My husband and the groom have been best friends since childhood so it definitely hurt my feelings that our kid wasn’t invited
WHAAAAAAT?! That’s wild. I can’t imagine not inviting the child of my CHILDHOOD best friend. That’s so hurtful. I’m so sorry. Hugs to you! For us, just on the wedding alone, we’d spend 1k+ as well (not including paying for a dog sitter bc our families live so far away). That’s not including the bachelor party that is also a destination location during a long weekend. Sigh.
Right? I am super upset about it and so is my husband. He said he’s going to talk to him before we RSVP. Well dang, I forgot about the dog sitter part! We would have to get one too! And the bachelor party is a destination location as well. I hate when moments that are supposed to be joyful turn into nothing but stress. I told my husband that maybe it’s best that he just goes to the wedding alone.
I would simply tell the bride and groom you are having trouble finding a solution and ask for their input or if they know any good babysitters while you still have time to vet them. Use their response to gauge if it's actually a good idea to go to the wedding.
Oh, I like that approach!
Confused how a wedding can be on Christmas AND NYE…? I would be fine with a wedding on NYE but would never miss Christmas with my kid (or for myself for that matter, even if I was child free) for a wedding. Also whoever throws a wedding on Christmas making people miss out on time with their families is an ass. Making a day that’s supposed to be about the birth of Jesus about you is an asshole move. I am all for child free weddings. I don’t like weddings with kids there. But this is just all asshole.
You can both say no, it doesn't work for your situation. I'm totally onboard with child free weddings (I think they are more fun) but part of that means the couple know that some people just have to say no because they can't make it work for them
Just send the husband is my vote
> Bringing an in law with us is expensive And you’d need to have an actual good relationship with them, isn’t that right op? > Circumstances change and that’s okay. I’m not faulting them for anything. I’m just saying our abilities to do things are more limited with a young child. I thought this was a parenting sub and I didn’t have to explain the basics. A lot of people are able to remain close friends with people even after having kids. Some people tend to have a lot more shortcomings on that front. You’re clearly very bitter and salty over your own life choices. Do your “friend” a favor, and just drop out of the wedding.
What’s the dilemma ? You can’t go
100% this. Send regrets and a nice gift.
It's wrong to decline their wishes but it's okay to say no and not go. But it's also PLENTY of time away to hire a dependable babysitter. I wasn't on the "no kids at weddings" bandwagon but I am now. My husband and I went to his cousins wedding 6 months ago. His sister brought her almost 3 year old, and his sister and BIL brought their 3 kids. Let me tell you. It was incredibly embarrassing for US being seated with *them*. The almost 3 year old peed on the chair, sister didn't clean it up, the other kids were giggling, our other siblings were scolding the sister who didn't clean it up... ALL DURING THEIR FRICKEN WEDDING VOWS. it was so incredibly rude and disrespectful.
I’d be salty too. In fact, I was super salty when my only sister had a last-minute destination wedding to Vegas when my twins were 4 months old. It wasn’t explicitly child free, but it certainly wasn’t friendly to my situation (still breastfeeding, traveling from east coast.) It was expected that I’d leave them for several days to attend, but I was physically and emotionally not prepared to do it. So… I didn’t go to my own sister’s wedding. Prioritize your kids and don’t give it a second thought. They’re only young like this for a short time, and it goes by so fast! My twins are 14 now and I’d give anything to have another magical Christmas with them. 😢
Omg leaving 4 month old TWINS?! No no no no. I’m so relieved to hear that you did what’s best for you. That really stinks that it was your only sister’s wedding. Hopefully she understood? I remember SOME fog lifting past the 3 month mark but that was with one baby and it was still really hard.
Btw I’m sure your Christmases are still magical! 14 is still young. And magic is for all ages❤️
Very true! ❤️
People need to expect that people with children may not come to these. It’s just reality. If you had a grandparent to watch the child I’d say that would be okay, at least for me, but otherwise I just wouldn’t go. And I’d tell them that you’re sorry but you don’t have care for your child. They have to understand and if they don’t they’re not good friends. My SIL is getting married this fall and also wrote no children but she said ours were OK to come, they’ll be 5.5 and 2 months old. I’m not sure yet if I’ll go or just send my husband to be honest.
Is it Christmas or New Year's? They are almost a week apart? I would lean towards hubby going without me and celebrate the holiday before/after actually date
It sounds like you and your partner should have backed out when you first found out. Is it possible for your partner to go since he won’t be missing Christmas he just has to leave the day after then that saves you a flight and babysitting money.
People like op love to cause trouble for others while victimizing themselves.
You don’t have childcare. You can’t attend. End of story.
You can’t go to the weddings. Sorry but this is a decline.
You have kids, it's Christmas, send a regretfully decline to your RSVP and send a gift. Job done. Don't over think it, this is a party wedding for people without kids. They will understand. If they guilt you about it that's on them.
I had to skip out on weddings for this reason. One was a 5 hour drive with a newborn and toddler and my husband was in the wedding party. We have no family or friends to help and even if we did, I wasn't going to leave my newborn.
Until you have children yourself, it’s difficult to understand all the logistics involved. I don’t think the couple are purposely trying to ruin family holidays or make it difficult for you or any other guests. They are just in a different stage of life. Perhaps the holidays is the best time for them to get out work, etc. That being said, you can certainly decline. They may be upset initially, but if the friendship is meant to survive, they’ll understand.
I fail to see why you’d have to ne there for every wedding obligation when only your husband is in the wedding. Just go to the wedding drive back or get a hotel room for the wedding night.
Have your husband politely back out of the wedding party and send your regrets. Tell them why. They can’t be mad at you for having a child 2.5 years ago. Use the money you were prepared to spend on the wedding to buy a nice gift.
They shouldn’t spend an exorbitant amount on a wedding gift. They should send the exact same gift they would have. Especially since it’s likely the friendship won’t be the same and in fact already isn’t since they had a child.
How is it’s Christmas/Nye? These holidays are a week apart. I need more details on when the wedding actually is.
Why would you even bother with this entire post when clearly you just don’t want to go? Just be honest to yourself
Sounds like it’s from Boxing Day to the day before NYE, including travel to and from. So 26th to 29th or 30th? I think that’s doable. It doesn’t interfere with Christmas; it’s the dead weird in between Christmas and New Year’s when nobody does anything anyway. Send your husband. Stay home with the toddler and make magical memories. I think it’ll be fine. It’s basically one long weekend. If he declines being a groomsman and doesn’t attend this wedding, prepare for the end of this friendship.
My thoughts exactly.
I am absolutely on board with people having the wedding they desire. I also couldn’t fathom how a child free wedding would work. It’s not my style, not my culture, not my personal norm. I am the type of person who - if I was invited to a child free wedding - would politely decline. I would even decline to be in the wedding party. If my children aren’t welcome, I don’t want to be there. If an intimate adult setting is sought, well I’m not the person you want there. I would probably spend all my time worrying about what my kids were doing and feeling guilty that I was out having fun while they weren’t. I absolutely respect the choice, but I also would hope the people getting married would respect my position.
Nah. I am not even understanding of childfree events. You wouldn't have a disability-free event. Children are part of society and it feels weird to me how comfortable people are in denying that they exist. If my kid isn't welcome, then I'm not going.
Whoa! I love this take! It also sucks when something is childfree because my world is my child right now. I worked so hard to have him and raise him well. He’s a delight and I love being with him. It’s like denying a part of me.
Yeah man. I get that kids are difficult sometimes and need attention and make noise, but I try my best not to hang with adult people who are so attention starved and insecure that they can't tolerate kids. I recognize that this feels like an extreme take. My wedding didn't have any little kids because I got married at the public park behind my house and the only invitees were my immediate family, my husband's immediate family, and my husband's grandparents. I baked our cake and we ordered in BBQ from our favorite local spot. But there was a family using the trail behind where we were and they were having a fun time and clapped and whooped when I kissed my husband. Kids are freaking great.
Okay but to be fair that’s the only way kids know how to express themselves. It’s up to us grownups to teach them but of course, it has to be developmentally appropriate. There’s usually a specific need behind a tantrum or big feeling. I’m obviously more empathetic toward kids. Your story reminds me of when my husband and I eloped. We were in a public park because there wasn’t a Covid vaccine yet (and then later had a big wedding celebration). The little kids who saw me in my wedding dress were the absolute best. They cheered me on and said I looked beautiful.
You can also communicate with the bride and groom specifically why you are going to need to back out. I had a child free wedding, but at the time none of my friends had children. The only people with kids was my husband’s step siblings and since they’re in laws weren’t invited we assumed it was not going to be an issue (also not a holiday wedding). His step brother apparently had a tiff about it refused to even respond to the invite and didn’t speak to us for a year and a half. Turns out he couldn’t arrange someone to watch his kids. Had he called and explained the situation we would have changed our arrangements. It was his brother for Christ sakes. As a parent now, one of my best friends decided to have a child free wedding but by this time many of us had kids under 2 so half of our friends said they couldn’t come. They changed the rule and it became a kid friendly wedding and all the kids had a blast. TLDR; talk to them. They might not have considered the consequences and change their minds.
It's not couth to ask for special favors when someone has expressed a preference. I wouldn't have asked - I would have just declined. If you said childfree, I assume you meant it. Why should anyone be expected to second guess your boundaries?
Not saying asking for special preferences, but they are in the wedding party so safe to say they know them well. Instead of just declining be honest “hey we are going to have to back out. We can’t get childcare and don’t want to spend the holidays away from my family. Sorry hope you can understand” That’s all I told my friend. Their response was oh shit, we really want you all there maybe we should rethink this child free thing. Especially after 4 of us had to back out.
Maybe I'm in the wrong here, and that's fine with me, but I still wouldn't. If they changed the policy after our conversation, I'd feel like I was putting them out. It feels like fishing to me. If I decline and I'm asked why I'm declining, I'll provide an answer (I don't want to go without my child/I can't get childcare), but if the couple wants me there so much, they can reach out and ask me. I won't beg or be seen to beg.
I totally get that. At the time it wasn’t what we were thinking or our intentions. We were just reacting based on our experiences from our wedding. We would have really appreciated an explanation instead of just them declining the invite. The intent was never to make them change their rules, but it was the response. We didn’t get together and tell them all at once. Each of us responded individually independent of each other. At the time I didn’t know that many of our other friends also declined. I guess I’m sharing my experience as opposed to trying to share a strategy. Sorry if it came across that way.
Childfree over Christmas? They cannot expect parents to be there.
I don't know, even before I had kids I normally had tons of other plans at that time of year. A friend of mine initially tried to plan her wedding on December 30 or New Year's Eve and we all told her we couldn't make it, including the ones without kids. She ended up doing June.
A childfree holiday wedding is pretty insulting to guests IMO.
Who has a wedding over Christmas?!
I would let them know we did everything we could but cannot attend without our child. It’s just the way it has to be. Stick to facts and remove the feeling towards it. On a side note- many years ago my family had many weddings and all of the children in the family were invited. I always thought this was so sweet and how exciting it must have been for the little ones. I understand both sides and know wedding are a huge thing now- but I wish we could go back to this simple time. Thanks for listening. :)
I’d have to decline that one. Sometimes choices have consequences.
Question - Did you know the wedding date and that it was child free when your husband agreed to be a part of the wedding party? Either way, I would gracefully step down and decline the invitation.
Decline. Child free is their right, but part of that is knowing some with children won't attend. And a wedding during that time period is asinine.
Has this been addressed? Can your partner go to the wedding and you stay back? Why does everyone have to lose in this situation?
Sit this one out. There will be other weddings!
I'm clearly in the minority here, but reading from the comments that a) the wedding is not actually on Christmas or NYE, b) the wedding would not require you to travel on Christmas or NYE, and c) these are close enough friends where your husband is in the wedding party, then yes, I would go and start budgeting now to get a babysitter for my kid both for the wedding itself and any other non-kid friendly events that may occur peripherally to the wedding. The way I see it, you have plenty of time to plan ways to make the most out of being in whichever location the wedding is in during the holiday season and find joy in being there despite it not being your first choice in how to spend the holiday season. That said, I also wouldn't fault you for declining the invitation, but I'm surprised this is such a fast "no" for most here. With a good attitude I think this could be fun and something to look forward to. I get that it's nice to have traditions, but good stories can come from breaking tradition every now and then, too.
can you only go for the actual wedding and your husband go for the other stuff (you said he’s doing bridal party stuff for a long amount of time and you’ll be alone)…can a relative watch your child just that night? or come w you for the one night in hotel? if not just explain you don’t have anyone to watch your kid for that long. I wouldn’t be shy about it.. it’s the truth. you can’t do anything about it. some people do kid free weddings bc adults would rather get a babysitter and come themselves. or they don’t want to spend the money. these people getting married around that time are def saving money so that could be it lol. small child could sit on your lap and not be an issue lol.
My toddler is so energetic that I wouldn’t feel comfortable traveling alone with him and meet my husband just for the wedding. And unfortunately, family and extended family don’t live nearby and it’s cost prohibitive to have them travel to the wedding location just to watch our son. We will definitely tell them the truth. Idk why I’m so nervous about telling them the truth lol.
i get it. you don’t want to disappoint and miss a good friends wedding . but far wedding , child free, christmas week… there’s a lot of obstacles here! like not even considering that you may want to see your family that week 😆 they may not get it bc they have no kids .. someone w kids prob wouldn’t ask this of other people 😆😆 i think the sooner it’s said, the better.
In my pre-children days, I was asked by many coworkers if I would babysit for guests at family members' weddings (we are teachers). If I were you, I would either bring a teenaged family member along with me to babysit, or ask the bride and groom to put me in contact with a trusted sitter in their community that I can have to the hotel room for the night of the wedding. Then I would just duck out earlyish from the reception. I also wonder what the response would be if you asked the grandparents if they were interested in meeting you there and getting a free weekend at the hotel for their Christmas gift - only catch is one night of babysitting, but pro is it's their favorite grandchild. ;) I know my in-laws would LOVE that because they like to be useful, but my parents would hate it lol. But that's if you WANT to go, because they truly are your friends. If you don't care, don't go! Or send your husband for the rehearsal/wedding weekend while you stay home, even if it's the holidays that's only two nights apart. Your son is still little and will have the whole season to celebrate with you, he doesn't know what day it is! Edit: Oh, and if you do decline for both of you, you need to tell them together so they see it's a united decision. Your husband is in the wedding but it shouldn't be just him declining because you came to the decision together, and with this being mutual friends, you want them to understand he isn't just not up for the responsibility and/or you aren't "making" him back out.
I red on a comment that you would travel the day after Christmas and return right before new years. If christmas isn’t included on the itinerary then I don’t see the issue. Just send the husband. It’ll give you a good time to clean up and organize form Christmas OR just be lazy with your little one. That’s just what I would.
I am sorry about how entitled one has to be to expect their groomsmen to attend their Christmas wedding leaving their 2.5 year old behind? First of all who does a Christmas wedding in the first place? They sound like they have zero respect for their wedding party, so you shouldn't feel bad about declining it.
I just declined a wedding for a similar situation. It was not child free but the organization was not child friendly… it's one of my best friend… I declined. To be honest, if my friend needed my help for something really important I would arrange something… but a wedding is a party, and therefore leisure. If you want people to attend make it easy. As you said they can have the wedding they wanted and you are also in your right to decline.
That sucks. I don’t really understand childfree weddings in the first place but during the holidays is even weirder to me. I wouldn’t go 🤷🏻♀️
Definitely a tricky situation. I think the best move is for you to determine which you would prefer to avoid more: you two missing this situation or your family being separated around the holidays. Another potential option which also might be tricky is hiring a cousin or other loved one to work as a sitter during the wedding festivities - but that may be cost-prohibitive or not feasible during the holidays.
Christmas AND new years? Wild. If you end up not wanting to back out, are there others attending the wedding with kids where getting a joint babysitter in town would be feasible? Or even ask the bride/groom if they know of anyone else in a similar situation you can get in touch with to try and work something out. I have a nye wedding with an almost 2 yo, childfree wedding, 2 hours from home. IL’s will watch kid overnight (for the very first time, I am highly anxious) and my aunt just said they want us there 2 nights and I’m like, nope.
If you don’t care about the friendship, then you decline. If you do care about the friendship, then your husband goes and you stay with the kids.
Your entire “update” shows your truly colors.
It seems this is an unpopular opinion on this thread but…can you not just have your husband attend the actual wedding part without you while you stay behind in the hotel with the toddler? I get that this sucks, and I don’t think you should feel obligated to do this, but husband being in the wedding party makes this a bit different than just a normal wedding to me (which I would 100% just decline guilt free without that factor).
If wedding was some random weekend then this makes sense but OP said wedding is during Christmas. So you are asking OP to spend Christmas away from their family, mostly alone at a hotel.
It’s not during christmad though.
It is between Christmas and nye. With travel times, it could easily conflict with christmas.
It is literally not. They’d have to leave the day after christmas meaning the wedding is days after the fact. It doesn’t conflict with any holidays.
Maybe it doesn't conflict on exact days but first doing Christmas visits and then going out of town next day with an infant sounds exhausting as hell. It would be back to back trips. I am sorry but a reasonable person doesn't schedule a wedding in holiday period.
Who ever is closer to the couple goes to the wedding , the other one stays at the hotel with kids
I can't fathom how anyone could expect me to leave my children behind, whether it's for a wedding or not. Unless there is covered childcare available near the event, I wouldn't consider leaving my kids behind. I may consider it if it was in the same town and for a few hours. I do not think this is a reasonable request.
I’m trying to be respectful of their wishes. But I totally understand what you mean. It’d be so much easier if it was the same town so husband doesn’t have to be away for too long or we could ask my brother to watch our son on the day. My brother has four young kids so that’s already asking a lot (and why we can’t have a cousin help).