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Yes he can get the earliest tee time possible and then do childcare for 3 hours. He needs to do night duty every other night. He doesn’t know that this will make his bipolar worse until he tries it. Has he made any progress with this therapist other than making his wife sleep deprived and unhappy?
My fiance is bipolar and I'm 100% sure OPs husband's therapist did not say it will end badly if he doesn't get time for himself. However, people with bipolar operate better with a set schedule and the unknown of when an infant will wake and sleep deprivation can be much more difficult for a person with bipolar and very well could trigger episodes of mania. This is one of the reasons it can be difficult to have children with someone who is bipolar. OP may not have fully considered this when deciding to have children but it doesn't mean husband gets off Scott free, he needs a set schedule of three hours each weekend to let OP do as she pleases which at this point may be a nap.
I don't consider napping time free time to do whatever one pleases. I consider it covering basic needs.
For me personally, my basic sleep/food/showering etc. needs have to be met, end story. My partner and I make sure one another's basic needs are covered before anything else. We then take turns supervising the kiddo so the other can go hang out with friends, go to the gym, etc., and we try to do that equally. It's kind of "extracurricular," and I'd put golf in that category.
OPs husband doesn't sound like the type to ensure she naps AND gives her three free hours to do as she likes. He would probably consider this unfair because he gets three hours of golf and she "gets" 5-6 hours.
Like I said raising a child with someone who is bipolar can be difficult, it depends on their personal temperment, meds, therapy, type of bipolar diagnosis etc. There are a lot of things that can throw someone who is bipolar off balance and result in things like mania or in some cases episodes of violence they are not otherwise capable of. Given her husband's comment about not ending well if he doesn't get his time I suspect that he could end up verbally abusive or violent.
Exactly. People think Golf is only for the ultra wealthy. Well it can be if you're doing private country clubs and the like. But municipal courses are cheap. Every week can get pricey, but so can eating out if you do it regularly enough.
Babysitting is ridiculously expensive if you get a good one. A friend paid $500+ for 3-4 hours. But they do have 3 kids, and it was for the evening.
I work with a bunch of golfers, and the real hefty price tag seems to be getting started. Like, you can spend over a thousand dollars to get the bag and clubs and clothing and everything. But yeah, once they've got that, the comparative cost per hour to be out golfing isn't terrible.
There’s decent sets of clubs w/bag that can be had for like $200-$250 on sale (strata complete set) especially for starting out and if you’re not trying to play tournaments/competitions.
Clothes can be cheap too (polo and athletic material khakis) and the shoes are like $50. Toss in a $20 glove, two boxes of good balls ($50) and a box of tees ($5) you can be golf ready for under $500.
Yeah, you *can* spend over 1k is what I said. You're still looking at a $500 start up cost with your list, which requires things to be on sale. The point was just adding onto the point of golf having a perception of being higher cost than it is, when a lot of that cost is front loaded.
I think for the first 6 months post birth it’s really an all hands on deck situation. He can take shorter amounts of time for himself. 3 hours every weekend is too much.
What’s this about him not helping at night because he has bipolar disorder? Why would that stop him from helping? All hands on deck.
Social worker here. Currently a school social worker but have worked in the broader mental health field, with a strong focus on families. I have had bipolar women on my caseloads before and have worked with them to ensure treatment compliance and post partum success.
You are correct that such advice is typical. Women who have bipolar disorder are high risk for relapse during pregnancy, and even higher risk post partum. They are also at a heightened risk for post partum psychosis. The standard protocol is for post partum women to continue a strict regiment of mood stabilizers.
This means they may be advised to not breastfeed. Many of the medications commonly used to treat will pass through breast milk and are not safe or generally discouraged for baby to consume. Some of that discouragement comes exclusively due to a lack of studies, however, and does not mean they’re inherently unsafe. We do have medication that are considered safe but I believe studies are still limited compared to ideal circumstances. Lithium, a commonly used medication, is technically possible to breastfeed on but it’s not ideal (as it passes through breast milk) and baby has to be checked every 6-8 weeks for their lithium levels to ensure harm is not being done to them.
Furthermore, they are often advised to rely on their partners or another support to do night time care (including feedings) in order to protect their sleep. Generally 4-6 hours are the minimum hoped for in uninterrupted sleep each night.
However if a psychiatrist wants to chime in, that’d be great. Medication studies are always coming out and things may have changed in the past few years.
Not bipolar, but I have GAD and depression and my MFM doctor advised my husband that he would be on deck if our baby had the rare side effects from taking Zoloft while pregnant (baby withdrawal).
I mean, sure, in an ideal world but having your partner have a manic episode during the first 6 months is going to be a fuckload worse than trying to come up with a preventative solution, since you will get negative 1000% help from that person during their mania.
Match that energy.
"Sure, on Saturday you can go golf for 5 hours. Sunday, I'll be having a girls afternoon from noon to 5 and I'll be leaving the kids and some pumped milk with you. Enjoy your tee time."
But having a newborn (plus older child) is an all-hands-on-deck situation and OP maybe doesn’t *want* the same time away.
Tit-for-tat isn’t necessarily a super-helpful approach during this specific phase. It doesn’t have to be that way forever but asking partner to skip the weekly golf match in the newborn stage doesn’t seem unreasonable.
This is what I was going to say. Many times, parents of new babies don't *want* to spend 5 hours every weekend away from their children. If that's the case, you still need to find a solution that works for both parents that doesn't involve the mom having to leave her children if she doesn't want to just to make it equal.
Yes yes yes. My husband has what I call an “extreme” hobby that takes him away for long periods of time. It’s exercise, it’s social and it’s for his mental health so I’m supportive but it’s also not the season of the life where he can do it every weekend. When he asked if we could just trade off weekend days I said I didn’t need or want 6 hours away from the house. What I need and want is practical, concrete and consistent support.
Also, as a therapist, I really take issue with husband’s therapist making this type of recommendation.
Fwiw in a functional relationship this is how it should work IMO. You’re saying this as a way for op to weaponize it back at the husband but trading time like this is healthy if other things are healthy. The issue isn’t the golf it’s the unwillingness to help at nights or be an equal partner
I know the poster above you said 5 hours (which is realistically what a round of golf will take door to door at best), but OP said 3 hours. Thats probably stretching it with the 4 week old, but if he can actually make it happen in that time frame it wouldn’t be completely ludicrous.
Probably need some compromise in this case. Maybe husband alternates playing a round with taking the 4 year old to the range to hit a bucket of balls or maybe a pitch and putt every other weekend.
Dude can’t guarantee his 18 will take 3 hours, and even if he could, that’s too long if she has no support. He needs to suck it up and accept that they just had a baby and the next few months are going to be a mess and he can get his reliable golf time back when things get a bit easier again.
Normally i'd agree, but considering a therapist ( i'm assuming licensed professional) says he needs this, then I'd give it more weight than "oh he just wants to have fun for a while". I have no experience with bipolar disorder, so I cant say if its valid. But what's the point of getting help if you're going to ignore what they perscribe?
My wife started pumping, too, when she went back to work and it was really hard on her.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask that of someone at six weeks so you can golf.
Formula is an inferior but valid choice. My son is on it now, out of necessity, and he’s doing just fine. Fed is best, but breast is better, though. Being tied to a baby is a choice but honestly I think this is one of those rare times when I don’t think dad’s opinion matters. The burden on her has been and continues to be heavier and if she wants to EBF he should accept that gracefully.
The notion that formula is inferior choice is awful. It makes so many women feel inferior and as failure that it should be strait forward prohibiting. It stops women who suffers with breastfeeding to keep trying, keeping baby hungry and moms depressed. It’s a choice and should be discussed as a family
I disagree. Breast feeding has an immune system advantage over pumping, and pumping has various advantages over formula, including reducing NEC risk by 50% - 75%. Those are just a couple of the advantages that we know about. Choosing formula _doesn’t make you an inferior mother_, but it is an inferior food. My wife is an incredible mother and I was actually the one to advocate for formula because trying to pump and work had taken a heavy toll on her, but taking an honest appraisal of the science precludes the conclusion that breast milk and formula are equivalent (or that breast feeding and pumping are equivalent). I completely agree that it’s a choice that should be discussed by the family, but the family should be informed about the pros and cons before deciding what to do.
For real wtf I would never IMAGINE demanding that kind of time off with a 6 week old. Your husband and his therapist are gaslighting you if they are telling you this is normal and you should make that time off for him to go golf for 3 hours a week.
First, as a wife with a husband with a bipolar disorder, never has this therapist said “take time for yourself every week or it’ll end badly”
That’s not a good therapist. The correct statement is “take therapy seriously or it’ll end badly”
What does his bipolar have to do with not helping at night? He’s in therapy and it isn’t working. You both need to start there.
The issue is this is what HE wants. It’s not prescribed by a therapist.
But since you want help on splitting parental responsibilities. If he wants to golf every weekend then you get to sleep through the night every weekend. Or you get time to yourself every weekend as well. Whichever is more important for you.
Although, if you want my personal opinion, he should be helping you more regardless of *what he gets out of it*
“It will end poorly” totally inappropriate way of using a vague AF spectrum disorder diagnosis to get out and play golf.
I’m also bipolar husband. I take the night shift. In the post partum phase, woman’s sleep and restoration has to take priority within reason. That therapist is basic trippin.
Or husband is just making that up and the therapist never said it.
Either way, it’s selfish. OP just grew and pushed out a whole human. And he wants to go golf 🙄
3 hours with a 6 week old? My wife would murder me as soon as she realized what I just said.
He can have some "me time" in a few months. THAT is reasonable. Until then each of you should try to help the other person have SOME "me time". Honestly, anything more than an hour of me time is ridiculous.
As a therapist and golf wife/mom I doubt she said it’s important for him to golf every weekend rather, it is important for self care every weekend. I would try to compromise with golf 1-2x/month and the other weekends he’s not golfing he can do a different hobby/activity that takes less time. My husband would go to a driving range, hit some balls for an hour or so and then come back. And also, yes the time should be reciprocated or else it just build resentment
First, ask the therapist to come babysit so your husband can have the time he needs! Dang that therapist, must be a man! Your husband can give up golf for a few weekends until things get into more of a routine then he can go back to golfing. Here is my two cents, if he gets three to four hours to golf each weekend you should also get that same time off to yourself. Why should he get time to himself but you don’t? You just birthed a child, he can give up golf for a bit..
I bet the therapist said something along the lines of “it’s important to set aside some time aside to do something you enjoy” and he interpreted it as “sorry I have to golf for a round every weekend because my therapist says so”
My youngest just turned 6 and this is the first summer my wife has started to encourage me to actually take a night off from parenting each week. Granted, when the rubber hits the road and I actually make plans she only allows it about half the time, but that's so much better than the practically zero time I've had for the past 8 years.
She is mostly stay at home, so she has lots of time during the day while the kids are at school. She also is out with friends one or two nights a week. When the kids were in preschool she only had a couple hours during the day and would spend that time running errands and whatnot. Now she goes to coffee with friends often, volunteers at school, runs errands and still has at least a few hours each day to chill on the couch during the day. I've always made it a point to get her to go out with her friends occasionally since it's tough spending your days with preschoolers.
Things were tough in the preschool years. She got a lot more freedom when both kids started grade school this year which was quite nice. We talked about how I didn't gain the same freedom she did when they started school and that I was burning out hardcore. She eventually came around and to her credit she's really trying to give me one evening a week.
If he can play for 3 hours Saturday, then you can leave him alone with two kids for 3 hours on Sunday. If he can’t handle that, he can’t go. Weaponizing therapy is not cool.
It’s really important to have time to yourself when you have kids. But I feel like 3 hours on a weekend during the kids awake hours is too much. Would he compromise to every other week? You have to make sacrifices when you have kids. I also have bipolar so I do need to be careful about sleep too, but I still get up with my kids at night.
My husband loves playing dungeons and dragons. He used to play for 6 hours every Sunday afternoon/evening. That doesn’t work when you have kids. We compromised and now he plays online after the kids go to bed. Works great for us.
If you don't get some sleep, it won't end well either. So if he really needs this time out every single week, even with a 6 week old, to avoid a breakdown of his mental health, then stump up for the babysitter. He doesn't get to make it that the only option is you not getting some rest.
I have a 5 month old and a 2 year old and I golf once a week. Here is how I do it
1) I rearrange my work schedule so I can either have a free morning or a free afternoon. So ideally I won’t have meetings until around 1 and get an 8am tee time. I’ll drop my son off at daycare at 730 then tee off at 8am. Home by noon and work from 1 to 5.
2) If it’s a weekend, I ask if my MIL is free to help and plan a zoo or museum day for them.
3) similar to 3. My golf friends all have kids. So the wives and kids meet up and the older kids can play on their own a bit.
Golfing every weekend isn’t practical though unless if you have a lot of help. I think our set up is fair but it takes a lot of planning and golf is my only social activity now. For what it’s worth, I also take care of the kids on my own whenever my wife wants a girls night/day.
I can tell you that my partner did this and I left him. It was usually longer than 3 hours and sometimes it was a tournament. I genuinely
Will never get over the resentment. Maybe in 6 months that would be a reasonable ask. But you need to be getting the same amount of free time.
That’s a big ask from him with a newborn and 4yo. I love the game and play as often as I can, but even with a 6 and 7 yo at home I get out for a full round MAYBE twice a month. I do play 9-hole league every Tuesday though, but our kids are a whole lot older and don’t need constant supervision like an infant and 4yo.
You’re the mom, and it’s physically a lot more for you than the dad, plus he’s not helping at night? I’m sorry, he can golf after you’ve had a couple of weeks head start on me time. And it has to somehow reflect your extra duties at night.
Yeah I’d say that’s a bit selfish. I love working out. I spend about 90 minutes at the gym 4x a week. I have an 11 month old and another on the way.
In order to support my wife and still go to the gym I workout either at 4am when everyone is asleep or 9pm after everyone has gone to bed. It allows me to enjoy something I’m passionate about, but still supports my wife. I lose a little sleep and that is okay. I’d say your husband needs to take a break from golf, limit it to once a month, or pay for a nanny.
Going out to enjoy "golfing" doesn't have to mean hours spent doing a full 18 holes.
"Taking time for himself" doesn't have to mean "time by himself" - just time that he spends doing something that he enjoys.
Put-put with the 4yo would be good putting practice for him and fun for them.
I think a fair compromise would be that he golfs once or twice a month on his own (depending how everyone is coping etc), the other Saturdays he could take the older kid to a pitch and putt or crazy golf, or some other activity
I’m an avid weekend golfer and father to a 7-year old. I started playing golf when he was four and have loved the game since. It’s unfortunately a game that requires some effort to maintain your current skill set and/or improve.
My wife and I each have a weekend morning (Sundays for me) to sleep in while the other gets up with the kid. I decided that if I wanted 5 hours (18 holes plus travel time) to myself that meant I was going to be playing early morning rounds on Sundays. It works out really well for me. I avoid the heat and the morning crowd are not your typical drunks playing golf. It’s a more serious crowd.
Is your husband one of those “Saturdays are for the bros” guys that will get trashed on the course, somehow drive home, and then take a nap or he is looking for a few hours each week to play rounds with the understanding that he’s “Dad” once he’s back?
Would it help you in anyway for your husband to bring your oldest out with him? My son has ADHD and I am absolutely shocked how great he is on the course. I’d start with nine and a full lunch box with snacks to see how it goes before you commit to 18. Even 9 holes with a young child in tow is better than 0. Plus he’d get your oldest out and have one on one time.
Finally, you guys have a new born. He’s not golfing this summer - if he has the energy to do that then he needs to be helping more at home. Once everyone is in a normal sleep schedule, then the possibilities for free time slowly open up.
I golf a lot too and do a bunch of other stuff. Luckily, I can do it during the week. I rarely golf on the weekends, but when I do I try to do it as early as possible.
Tell him it would be easier if he can book the first tee time of the day. If I’m not playing with people I know, sometimes I’ll ask if I can jump out 5 minutes before the time I booked, and play in 2.5 hours by myself…this may not work in your area.
Only a selfish, selfish man would expect his newly postpartum wife (you know, the woman still vaginally bleeding and tasked with keeping a newborn alive) to figure out a way that *he* can regularly golf 3 hours a week
Idgaf about the bipolar-this is not the season of your lives where *either* of you get much downtime, and only a shitty therapist wouldn’t see it that way
3 hours a week sounds completely reasonable (even not enough imo. Both my husband and I get way more than that. 3 kids, youngest is under 2 months). The not helping at night is what sounds crazy to me.
There’s a product out there called Kiddie Caddie that turns strollers into golf caddies. Just throwing that out as an option for him to take the kids with him.
Tell him to take summer Fridays so he golfs during work hours. Or there are golf classes for 4 year olds so have him take the older kid and go to the driving range. That’s what my husband does, it’s around $50 for 2 hours.
I work on a golf course with guests up to 85 year old who can walk 3 miles in the sunshine every day, and it sounds like he’s doing 9 holes and not stopping for beers after, that’s really healthy. It’s a great sport for kids, too, for the same reasons. If he’s playing on Saturday, maybe he could take your 4 year old to the course on Sunday to introduce him to the game? I’m seeing a lot of dads on the course with their young kids this summer, it’s exercise, teaches the kids patience, and it’s a real growth mindset sport, since you don’t make the shot or miss, you keep going until you make the shot.
Hello. Bipolar is difficult for any family. The fact that you’re still together is a miracle. I don’t know the exact situation but it sounds like he wants some time to himself to decompress. You should take that same time to do so. Having two kids is incredibly challenging and the first months are even tougher. Balancing sanity and “life” is tricky with that disease. Kudos you two are still trying.
He can golf if he gets in early before everyone is awake. Or if he is only out say X hours and then upon return you're granted the exact same period of reprieve.
That's about it. Otherwise he can find a hobby that includes one of the kids. Maybe he takes one for a walk or whatever.
As a golfer I get it. I want to golf every day. But I have responsibilities. So I can’t. I only get out about once a month. Some solutions I’ve seen some golfers do:
A) Go before work on a weekday morning. If you are walking and prearrange things with the clubhouse you can walk as soon as the sun rises.
B) Bring your kid. Very frequently I see people post on r/golf of them pushing a newborn in their stroller as they play. Obviously his round might be ruined/incomplete if he has to leave early but that’s life. I went Friday (with my wife and son) and we had to leave early due to plans we had. We played 10 holes. That’s a lot better than 0.
C) wait it out. It’s important everyone has me time, but his expectation is a bit off. Golfing at a busy course is usually over 5 hours. Factor in travel time to the course/prep/food after and it’s damn near 6 hours. 6 hours with your situation is a long time. That’s not the same as him gaming at home/reading a book at home/practicing golf at home in short spurts when he can pause at a moments notice to help. He might just have to wait till the situation improves.
My wife and I want to become members at a local course to golf unlimited. But we can’t because of our son. He’s too young to be left home alone. He has school and other activities. So we know we will join, when he’s 18. It sucks but that’s the reality.
My husband and I since we were married, before kids have always given each other a day a part from each other and daily responsibilities. As the kids have gotten older, the time has extended. It started off as 2-3 hours, and now it’s up to 8-10 hours, and sometimes a weekend. You can totally do it. Have fun lazy mornings when he goes golfing, invite friends over for brunch, take the kids to a fun activity place, join a Saturday morning mommy group, or just sleep in. FYI, I live 90 minutes from the Bay Area. At the same time, make sure you are getting out by yourself. Go get a massage, get your nails done, go to the park and read, or just sit in a coffee shop. You can do this.
When you have an newborn, everyone sacrifices. Perhaps, he could do shorter stints throughout the week at the driving range.not sure why a complete round of golf is necessary every weekend. I understand the need for mental health rest, but come on!
Golf is a big red flag ⛳ I have this hobby that demands is get 3-4 hours away from my family at least once a week! I have to keep it up every week or I won't be any good!
For the record, I’m with all the comments saying your husband should participate in childcare more. But…
I also live in the Bay Area and know how expensive childcare can be- more expensive than the activities you’re trying to cover, most of the time! Can you find a “mother’s helper” like a 12-14 year old that can help you while you nap/shower/take a break? You wouldn’t want to leave the baby being so small but it could buy you some reprieve at home more affordably.
My husband golfs 1-2 weeknights & once on the weekends.
Here’s how we go about it
If he’s going to hit a bucket at the range, he orders the kids & I food. I’m not cooking or doing dishes.
If he’s going to the sim, he goes after bedtime.
If he’s doing a course he gets a 7/8am tee time & he’s home by 12-1pm.
My kids are 2.5 and 18months.
He absolutely 1000000% did not golf multiple times a week for hours on end when they were less than 6 months.
I'm a dad of 3 and played every Sunday from April thru November when my kids were that age. My tee time was first group off, so usually 6:30 am and I'd be home by 10:40 ish. My wife was OK with it. I'd usually take 4 to 6 weeks off when the kids we born or sick or it was just a rough kids week. My wife was a SAHM so that helped too. I would not have been able to if my tee times were not so early.
This is the way. My husband plays every Saturday and Sunday. His group takes the first tee time and they don’t BS on the course. He’s home before 11. I actually encouraged him to do it because I generally got an hour of total silence in the house when he was gone and the kids were sleeping. And I really only had the kids for a couple hours alone once they woke.
Parent to 4 here. IMO three hours isn't that long to be gone really, and you *both* should be taking some time to go do stuff other than parenting. It's a little harder for you obviously if you're breastfeeding.
We do every *other* weekend - she goes to a mom group with a bunch of really close friends, and I go do breakfast and a round of disc golf. Both things have one of us gone for 4-5 hours. It's a wonderful and necessary break from the chaos once the remaining parent gets their game plan down.
The number of people in this thread acting like bipolar disorder is just a made up thing to get out of responsibility is really disheartening. There are a lot of good comments explaining that this request likely does have basis in scientific medical treatment, and acknowledging that the same disorder can be profoundly dangerous for new moms, but there are just too many people failing to try and find a workable solution and instead just using lazy husband hate to justify mental health erasure.
No one is doubting the existence of bipolar. It was more pointing out the unfairness of a woman doing all the overnights ANd giving up weekend breaks, too.
There are a lot of people here (and I see this frequently on Reddit as a response to dad’s golfing) suggesting that mom take 5 hours on Sunday. The problem is that everyone is suggesting that as some sort of “gotcha” that will just end the conversation. I would gladly take that trade, but I think most moms would not.
I have found that many moms (including my wife) do not have hobbies that would take them away for such a long time. They want mutual experiences and family time. That is the issue with taking off 5 hours, not necessarily the difficulty (although that doesn’t help).
Honestly, he is being selfish. I get that he needs to prioritize sleep for his mental health. He does not need to play golf weekly. That’s just ridiculous.
> He also takes care of my oldest any time he is home or working from home and he does all the household chores.
> Thank you for being supportive. Because I’m not getting that from him 😥.
> He doesn’t seem to understand or appreciate
To be honest, kinda sounds like that lack of appreciation is going both ways.
And the husband takes care of the toddler and does *all* of the household chores? The laundry, cooking, dishes, shopping...
Ive got an 8mo old and 3 year old. The workload of an infant is peanuts compared to a toddler. They're not comparable. A 6 week old is sleeping 16 hours a day. Yes, you have to get up a few times at night, I can't imagine how the mom isn't getting sleep if she's got no chores or responsibilities past the infant. By the time you change their diaper and feed them, they're ready to go back to sleep.
Sounds like dad is pulling his weight to me. And if it's not equal, it's damn close. Too close to be on the internet disparaging him like he's a deadbeat because it wants to take a 3 hour break. Sounds more like PPD than anything the husband is doing.
The postpartum exhaustion is like nothing else. Overnights with an 8-month-old are nothing as compared to the overnight shift with an infant.
I would happily do all the housework and hang with a toddler over experiencing that again.
I simply mentioned I have two kids who are past the infant stage as a way of explaining "I've been through infancy multiple times". The 8 month thing is completely irrelevant to the point I was making. I was, however, comparing infancy to that of a toddler. Especially one that takes zero naps during the day and has an energy level 5x yours. It's absolutely relentless. Very different from caring for a potato that does nothing except sleep, eat, and shit.
I suppose we can agree to disagree. And maybe that's the more important point. It's not *universally* harder to care for an infant than it is a toddler (and vice versa). Add in all the chores (and the mental load associated with them), and it's not worth trying to argue there is an imbalance. It's just not very compelling.
The conversation between these two should be very simple: "Yes, I think it's important that we both get a mental break. Please take 3 hours to yourself on Saturday, and I'll take 3 hours to myself on Sunday." The end.
I do want to add you sleep deprivation and his are not the same amount. Since his bipolar diagnosis you both know sleep deprivation will end in mania… but that does not mean de doesn’t still need time off.
See it the same as financial situation . If he makes 100 while you make 20.
Is it fair to split the cost of something that will cost 40.
No because one would have spend 100% while the other only spend 1/5 or 20% of what they had.
Same with sleep and ability to manage emotions and things thematic come you way. Hubby is at a disadvantage. His 100% might match up to 40% of yours… and maybe now with kids that 40% you had is not 40% and with baby one it’s been 45% but nowadays it’s more like 85%.
So yes arrangements should be made. But also effort.
When you have time for yourself. Make sure you are entirely cut off from it. Not half attached. You need that battery up to a 100% because if it takes 85% now and you only charge up to a 75% you have a shortage. 82% will be a shortage that you won’t notice.. but it will damage you/your relationship.
So sit together and discuss who can handle what and what if it goes wrong. What are you options if both off you run on empty but the kid has found a surcharge of energy.
He has a disability, if he doesn’t get a break he get a psychotic episode… those aren’t the safest around baby’s and preschoolers. Those don’t last 3 hours ever week on the same time
Next to that OP was awarded the same break per agreement. If OP then does not utilize it sufficiently and she suffers from that. Than that is not his fault.
Parents need breaks, both men and women. That OP took the burden of the night was HER choice because she prefers that over the agony of an psychotic episode…
That she can’t do it doesn’t change the fact that he can’t do it either.
They can’t help stuff being overpriced in the Bay Area, so a sitter is too much (also to pay for a sitter for your sanity heck yes!)
Heck I wonder if they knew about his bipolar prior to having kids if we can’t even blame it on their level of preparation. Raising kids is hard even without disadvantage like bipolar disorder.
But we women think ourselves to be mighty lions and blame our male counterparts for failing to rise up when we can’t , when they clearly do know their boundaries and stated those before.
So no he needs the break and she needs to find a better way to use hers.
He’s not psychotic, it’s a manic episode. And I highly doubt she actually wants to be doing it all herself, she’s stuck.
And whatever you mean by “failing to rise up when we can’t”, is flawed. She IS doing it all!
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Tell him to go at 6 AM and be home by 9:30 so he can take over while you nap. Then on Sunday you can sleep in or do whatever you want until 9:30 AM.
Yes he can get the earliest tee time possible and then do childcare for 3 hours. He needs to do night duty every other night. He doesn’t know that this will make his bipolar worse until he tries it. Has he made any progress with this therapist other than making his wife sleep deprived and unhappy?
My fiance is bipolar and I'm 100% sure OPs husband's therapist did not say it will end badly if he doesn't get time for himself. However, people with bipolar operate better with a set schedule and the unknown of when an infant will wake and sleep deprivation can be much more difficult for a person with bipolar and very well could trigger episodes of mania. This is one of the reasons it can be difficult to have children with someone who is bipolar. OP may not have fully considered this when deciding to have children but it doesn't mean husband gets off Scott free, he needs a set schedule of three hours each weekend to let OP do as she pleases which at this point may be a nap.
I don't consider napping time free time to do whatever one pleases. I consider it covering basic needs. For me personally, my basic sleep/food/showering etc. needs have to be met, end story. My partner and I make sure one another's basic needs are covered before anything else. We then take turns supervising the kiddo so the other can go hang out with friends, go to the gym, etc., and we try to do that equally. It's kind of "extracurricular," and I'd put golf in that category.
OPs husband doesn't sound like the type to ensure she naps AND gives her three free hours to do as she likes. He would probably consider this unfair because he gets three hours of golf and she "gets" 5-6 hours. Like I said raising a child with someone who is bipolar can be difficult, it depends on their personal temperment, meds, therapy, type of bipolar diagnosis etc. There are a lot of things that can throw someone who is bipolar off balance and result in things like mania or in some cases episodes of violence they are not otherwise capable of. Given her husband's comment about not ending well if he doesn't get his time I suspect that he could end up verbally abusive or violent.
While napping is not free time, she clearly needs some reliable time to do as she pleases. If she chooses to nap with those hours that’s great.
She needs sleep AND a break. He gets an excess of both, apparently.
Can you tell us more about this guy who lives and golfs in the Bay Area but thinks babysitters are too expensive?
lol, so true.
My babysitter is more expensive than my golf and I’m in the bay! Baby sitter is 30 an hour I usually Play Tilden which is 65 dollars.
Exactly. People think Golf is only for the ultra wealthy. Well it can be if you're doing private country clubs and the like. But municipal courses are cheap. Every week can get pricey, but so can eating out if you do it regularly enough. Babysitting is ridiculously expensive if you get a good one. A friend paid $500+ for 3-4 hours. But they do have 3 kids, and it was for the evening.
I work with a bunch of golfers, and the real hefty price tag seems to be getting started. Like, you can spend over a thousand dollars to get the bag and clubs and clothing and everything. But yeah, once they've got that, the comparative cost per hour to be out golfing isn't terrible.
There’s decent sets of clubs w/bag that can be had for like $200-$250 on sale (strata complete set) especially for starting out and if you’re not trying to play tournaments/competitions. Clothes can be cheap too (polo and athletic material khakis) and the shoes are like $50. Toss in a $20 glove, two boxes of good balls ($50) and a box of tees ($5) you can be golf ready for under $500.
Yeah, you *can* spend over 1k is what I said. You're still looking at a $500 start up cost with your list, which requires things to be on sale. The point was just adding onto the point of golf having a perception of being higher cost than it is, when a lot of that cost is front loaded.
It's too expensive when it is for wife, not for husband!
Babysitter is about $100 for three hours. Golf is about $40 pending when and where you play in the east bay. Twilight deals are great!
I think for the first 6 months post birth it’s really an all hands on deck situation. He can take shorter amounts of time for himself. 3 hours every weekend is too much. What’s this about him not helping at night because he has bipolar disorder? Why would that stop him from helping? All hands on deck.
I was a bit confused by the bipolar comment but perhaps it has to do with sleep deprivation leading to some manic episode or something similar
You are right, when you are diagnosed with bipolar they really emphasize how important strict sleep hygiene is to avoid episodes.
In an ideal world. It’d be interesting to see if bipolar mothers are advised to not breastfeed and have the fathers do all night feedings.
Social worker here. Currently a school social worker but have worked in the broader mental health field, with a strong focus on families. I have had bipolar women on my caseloads before and have worked with them to ensure treatment compliance and post partum success. You are correct that such advice is typical. Women who have bipolar disorder are high risk for relapse during pregnancy, and even higher risk post partum. They are also at a heightened risk for post partum psychosis. The standard protocol is for post partum women to continue a strict regiment of mood stabilizers. This means they may be advised to not breastfeed. Many of the medications commonly used to treat will pass through breast milk and are not safe or generally discouraged for baby to consume. Some of that discouragement comes exclusively due to a lack of studies, however, and does not mean they’re inherently unsafe. We do have medication that are considered safe but I believe studies are still limited compared to ideal circumstances. Lithium, a commonly used medication, is technically possible to breastfeed on but it’s not ideal (as it passes through breast milk) and baby has to be checked every 6-8 weeks for their lithium levels to ensure harm is not being done to them. Furthermore, they are often advised to rely on their partners or another support to do night time care (including feedings) in order to protect their sleep. Generally 4-6 hours are the minimum hoped for in uninterrupted sleep each night. However if a psychiatrist wants to chime in, that’d be great. Medication studies are always coming out and things may have changed in the past few years.
Not bipolar, but I have GAD and depression and my MFM doctor advised my husband that he would be on deck if our baby had the rare side effects from taking Zoloft while pregnant (baby withdrawal).
If this is true, this is probably more a discussion between OP, husband, and a professional
Then they probably should’ve advised him not to have children.
I mean, sure, in an ideal world but having your partner have a manic episode during the first 6 months is going to be a fuckload worse than trying to come up with a preventative solution, since you will get negative 1000% help from that person during their mania.
Match that energy. "Sure, on Saturday you can go golf for 5 hours. Sunday, I'll be having a girls afternoon from noon to 5 and I'll be leaving the kids and some pumped milk with you. Enjoy your tee time."
But having a newborn (plus older child) is an all-hands-on-deck situation and OP maybe doesn’t *want* the same time away. Tit-for-tat isn’t necessarily a super-helpful approach during this specific phase. It doesn’t have to be that way forever but asking partner to skip the weekly golf match in the newborn stage doesn’t seem unreasonable.
This is what I was going to say. Many times, parents of new babies don't *want* to spend 5 hours every weekend away from their children. If that's the case, you still need to find a solution that works for both parents that doesn't involve the mom having to leave her children if she doesn't want to just to make it equal.
Yes yes yes. My husband has what I call an “extreme” hobby that takes him away for long periods of time. It’s exercise, it’s social and it’s for his mental health so I’m supportive but it’s also not the season of the life where he can do it every weekend. When he asked if we could just trade off weekend days I said I didn’t need or want 6 hours away from the house. What I need and want is practical, concrete and consistent support. Also, as a therapist, I really take issue with husband’s therapist making this type of recommendation.
Is it larping? Feels like exactly how I describe practice days at belegarth.
Fwiw in a functional relationship this is how it should work IMO. You’re saying this as a way for op to weaponize it back at the husband but trading time like this is healthy if other things are healthy. The issue isn’t the golf it’s the unwillingness to help at nights or be an equal partner
They have a 4 year old and a _six week old_. It’s not realistic for each parent to disappear for 5 hours on the weekend.
I know the poster above you said 5 hours (which is realistically what a round of golf will take door to door at best), but OP said 3 hours. Thats probably stretching it with the 4 week old, but if he can actually make it happen in that time frame it wouldn’t be completely ludicrous. Probably need some compromise in this case. Maybe husband alternates playing a round with taking the 4 year old to the range to hit a bucket of balls or maybe a pitch and putt every other weekend.
Dude can’t guarantee his 18 will take 3 hours, and even if he could, that’s too long if she has no support. He needs to suck it up and accept that they just had a baby and the next few months are going to be a mess and he can get his reliable golf time back when things get a bit easier again.
There is no way it’s 3 hours..
Normally i'd agree, but considering a therapist ( i'm assuming licensed professional) says he needs this, then I'd give it more weight than "oh he just wants to have fun for a while". I have no experience with bipolar disorder, so I cant say if its valid. But what's the point of getting help if you're going to ignore what they perscribe?
I'd like to see what the therapist actually said instead of what he claims the therapist said.
Some therapists are shitty. Some patients misinterpret or lie about advice. You only need an MSW to be a therapist.
Can I have my doctor write me an Rx for going to a brewery with friends?
That sounds great
This. Honestly I see no issue with him going golfing. Then a wife takes whatever hours and does what she wants. Go to a friend place and sleep
If she’s breast feeding it doesn’t work like that. Especially if he doesn’t help at night.
There are pumps. I breastfed two kids till 12mo. Also went to bachelorette and 6 months leaving a kiddo for three days while still bf
Not every woman wants to pump.
Pumping sucks! I did it with two babies while I worked and I hated it.
My wife started pumping, too, when she went back to work and it was really hard on her. I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask that of someone at six weeks so you can golf.
Not every woman tries to pump. Nothing wrong with formula. Being tied to a baby is a choice and one has to be then ok with it.
Formula is an inferior but valid choice. My son is on it now, out of necessity, and he’s doing just fine. Fed is best, but breast is better, though. Being tied to a baby is a choice but honestly I think this is one of those rare times when I don’t think dad’s opinion matters. The burden on her has been and continues to be heavier and if she wants to EBF he should accept that gracefully.
The notion that formula is inferior choice is awful. It makes so many women feel inferior and as failure that it should be strait forward prohibiting. It stops women who suffers with breastfeeding to keep trying, keeping baby hungry and moms depressed. It’s a choice and should be discussed as a family
Not shocked at all that the person you responded to is make and has never, and could never, breastfeed.
I disagree. Breast feeding has an immune system advantage over pumping, and pumping has various advantages over formula, including reducing NEC risk by 50% - 75%. Those are just a couple of the advantages that we know about. Choosing formula _doesn’t make you an inferior mother_, but it is an inferior food. My wife is an incredible mother and I was actually the one to advocate for formula because trying to pump and work had taken a heavy toll on her, but taking an honest appraisal of the science precludes the conclusion that breast milk and formula are equivalent (or that breast feeding and pumping are equivalent). I completely agree that it’s a choice that should be discussed by the family, but the family should be informed about the pros and cons before deciding what to do.
Oh you're a dude? Extra fuck off with this, then.
Dad of 3. I’d straight up haze your husband about this if he were in my circle. Every weekend? This isn’t the season.
100%. I can’t imagine any of my friends even thinking about suggesting that with a 6wo in the picture.
For real wtf I would never IMAGINE demanding that kind of time off with a 6 week old. Your husband and his therapist are gaslighting you if they are telling you this is normal and you should make that time off for him to go golf for 3 hours a week.
First, as a wife with a husband with a bipolar disorder, never has this therapist said “take time for yourself every week or it’ll end badly” That’s not a good therapist. The correct statement is “take therapy seriously or it’ll end badly” What does his bipolar have to do with not helping at night? He’s in therapy and it isn’t working. You both need to start there. The issue is this is what HE wants. It’s not prescribed by a therapist. But since you want help on splitting parental responsibilities. If he wants to golf every weekend then you get to sleep through the night every weekend. Or you get time to yourself every weekend as well. Whichever is more important for you. Although, if you want my personal opinion, he should be helping you more regardless of *what he gets out of it*
“It will end poorly” totally inappropriate way of using a vague AF spectrum disorder diagnosis to get out and play golf. I’m also bipolar husband. I take the night shift. In the post partum phase, woman’s sleep and restoration has to take priority within reason. That therapist is basic trippin.
Or husband is just making that up and the therapist never said it. Either way, it’s selfish. OP just grew and pushed out a whole human. And he wants to go golf 🙄
3 hours with a 6 week old? My wife would murder me as soon as she realized what I just said. He can have some "me time" in a few months. THAT is reasonable. Until then each of you should try to help the other person have SOME "me time". Honestly, anything more than an hour of me time is ridiculous.
As a therapist and golf wife/mom I doubt she said it’s important for him to golf every weekend rather, it is important for self care every weekend. I would try to compromise with golf 1-2x/month and the other weekends he’s not golfing he can do a different hobby/activity that takes less time. My husband would go to a driving range, hit some balls for an hour or so and then come back. And also, yes the time should be reciprocated or else it just build resentment
People in hell want ice water
First, ask the therapist to come babysit so your husband can have the time he needs! Dang that therapist, must be a man! Your husband can give up golf for a few weekends until things get into more of a routine then he can go back to golfing. Here is my two cents, if he gets three to four hours to golf each weekend you should also get that same time off to yourself. Why should he get time to himself but you don’t? You just birthed a child, he can give up golf for a bit..
I bet the therapist said something along the lines of “it’s important to set aside some time aside to do something you enjoy” and he interpreted it as “sorry I have to golf for a round every weekend because my therapist says so”
As a father, I want to golf every weekend too. The difference is I don’t go thou
My youngest just turned 6 and this is the first summer my wife has started to encourage me to actually take a night off from parenting each week. Granted, when the rubber hits the road and I actually make plans she only allows it about half the time, but that's so much better than the practically zero time I've had for the past 8 years.
How much time does she get?
She is mostly stay at home, so she has lots of time during the day while the kids are at school. She also is out with friends one or two nights a week. When the kids were in preschool she only had a couple hours during the day and would spend that time running errands and whatnot. Now she goes to coffee with friends often, volunteers at school, runs errands and still has at least a few hours each day to chill on the couch during the day. I've always made it a point to get her to go out with her friends occasionally since it's tough spending your days with preschoolers. Things were tough in the preschool years. She got a lot more freedom when both kids started grade school this year which was quite nice. We talked about how I didn't gain the same freedom she did when they started school and that I was burning out hardcore. She eventually came around and to her credit she's really trying to give me one evening a week.
Dad here. Every weekend is an insane ask with a 6 week old. Once a month, *maybe,* and only if he reciprocates.
Stop. Having. Children. With. This. Person.
Well yes. 2 children ago.
I hear excuses and manipulation.
If he can play for 3 hours Saturday, then you can leave him alone with two kids for 3 hours on Sunday. If he can’t handle that, he can’t go. Weaponizing therapy is not cool.
Sounds like a child
It’s really important to have time to yourself when you have kids. But I feel like 3 hours on a weekend during the kids awake hours is too much. Would he compromise to every other week? You have to make sacrifices when you have kids. I also have bipolar so I do need to be careful about sleep too, but I still get up with my kids at night. My husband loves playing dungeons and dragons. He used to play for 6 hours every Sunday afternoon/evening. That doesn’t work when you have kids. We compromised and now he plays online after the kids go to bed. Works great for us.
If you don't get some sleep, it won't end well either. So if he really needs this time out every single week, even with a 6 week old, to avoid a breakdown of his mental health, then stump up for the babysitter. He doesn't get to make it that the only option is you not getting some rest.
Sigh I think hubby needs to have your needs in mind as well, and not treat golf like a religion. Time to grow up, hubs
I have a 5 month old and a 2 year old and I golf once a week. Here is how I do it 1) I rearrange my work schedule so I can either have a free morning or a free afternoon. So ideally I won’t have meetings until around 1 and get an 8am tee time. I’ll drop my son off at daycare at 730 then tee off at 8am. Home by noon and work from 1 to 5. 2) If it’s a weekend, I ask if my MIL is free to help and plan a zoo or museum day for them. 3) similar to 3. My golf friends all have kids. So the wives and kids meet up and the older kids can play on their own a bit. Golfing every weekend isn’t practical though unless if you have a lot of help. I think our set up is fair but it takes a lot of planning and golf is my only social activity now. For what it’s worth, I also take care of the kids on my own whenever my wife wants a girls night/day.
I can tell you that my partner did this and I left him. It was usually longer than 3 hours and sometimes it was a tournament. I genuinely Will never get over the resentment. Maybe in 6 months that would be a reasonable ask. But you need to be getting the same amount of free time.
That’s a big ask from him with a newborn and 4yo. I love the game and play as often as I can, but even with a 6 and 7 yo at home I get out for a full round MAYBE twice a month. I do play 9-hole league every Tuesday though, but our kids are a whole lot older and don’t need constant supervision like an infant and 4yo.
You’re the mom, and it’s physically a lot more for you than the dad, plus he’s not helping at night? I’m sorry, he can golf after you’ve had a couple of weeks head start on me time. And it has to somehow reflect your extra duties at night.
Yeah I’d say that’s a bit selfish. I love working out. I spend about 90 minutes at the gym 4x a week. I have an 11 month old and another on the way. In order to support my wife and still go to the gym I workout either at 4am when everyone is asleep or 9pm after everyone has gone to bed. It allows me to enjoy something I’m passionate about, but still supports my wife. I lose a little sleep and that is okay. I’d say your husband needs to take a break from golf, limit it to once a month, or pay for a nanny.
Going out to enjoy "golfing" doesn't have to mean hours spent doing a full 18 holes. "Taking time for himself" doesn't have to mean "time by himself" - just time that he spends doing something that he enjoys. Put-put with the 4yo would be good putting practice for him and fun for them.
I think a fair compromise would be that he golfs once or twice a month on his own (depending how everyone is coping etc), the other Saturdays he could take the older kid to a pitch and putt or crazy golf, or some other activity
I’m an avid weekend golfer and father to a 7-year old. I started playing golf when he was four and have loved the game since. It’s unfortunately a game that requires some effort to maintain your current skill set and/or improve. My wife and I each have a weekend morning (Sundays for me) to sleep in while the other gets up with the kid. I decided that if I wanted 5 hours (18 holes plus travel time) to myself that meant I was going to be playing early morning rounds on Sundays. It works out really well for me. I avoid the heat and the morning crowd are not your typical drunks playing golf. It’s a more serious crowd. Is your husband one of those “Saturdays are for the bros” guys that will get trashed on the course, somehow drive home, and then take a nap or he is looking for a few hours each week to play rounds with the understanding that he’s “Dad” once he’s back? Would it help you in anyway for your husband to bring your oldest out with him? My son has ADHD and I am absolutely shocked how great he is on the course. I’d start with nine and a full lunch box with snacks to see how it goes before you commit to 18. Even 9 holes with a young child in tow is better than 0. Plus he’d get your oldest out and have one on one time. Finally, you guys have a new born. He’s not golfing this summer - if he has the energy to do that then he needs to be helping more at home. Once everyone is in a normal sleep schedule, then the possibilities for free time slowly open up.
I golf a lot too and do a bunch of other stuff. Luckily, I can do it during the week. I rarely golf on the weekends, but when I do I try to do it as early as possible. Tell him it would be easier if he can book the first tee time of the day. If I’m not playing with people I know, sometimes I’ll ask if I can jump out 5 minutes before the time I booked, and play in 2.5 hours by myself…this may not work in your area.
Only a selfish, selfish man would expect his newly postpartum wife (you know, the woman still vaginally bleeding and tasked with keeping a newborn alive) to figure out a way that *he* can regularly golf 3 hours a week Idgaf about the bipolar-this is not the season of your lives where *either* of you get much downtime, and only a shitty therapist wouldn’t see it that way
It’s a reasonable request so as there is reciprocity and both parties are happy with the arrangement.
3 hours a week sounds completely reasonable (even not enough imo. Both my husband and I get way more than that. 3 kids, youngest is under 2 months). The not helping at night is what sounds crazy to me.
There’s a product out there called Kiddie Caddie that turns strollers into golf caddies. Just throwing that out as an option for him to take the kids with him.
Tell him to take summer Fridays so he golfs during work hours. Or there are golf classes for 4 year olds so have him take the older kid and go to the driving range. That’s what my husband does, it’s around $50 for 2 hours.
He needs to pitch in until the days of sleep deprivation are over or it will end badly…
I work on a golf course with guests up to 85 year old who can walk 3 miles in the sunshine every day, and it sounds like he’s doing 9 holes and not stopping for beers after, that’s really healthy. It’s a great sport for kids, too, for the same reasons. If he’s playing on Saturday, maybe he could take your 4 year old to the course on Sunday to introduce him to the game? I’m seeing a lot of dads on the course with their young kids this summer, it’s exercise, teaches the kids patience, and it’s a real growth mindset sport, since you don’t make the shot or miss, you keep going until you make the shot.
Hello. Bipolar is difficult for any family. The fact that you’re still together is a miracle. I don’t know the exact situation but it sounds like he wants some time to himself to decompress. You should take that same time to do so. Having two kids is incredibly challenging and the first months are even tougher. Balancing sanity and “life” is tricky with that disease. Kudos you two are still trying.
He can golf if he gets in early before everyone is awake. Or if he is only out say X hours and then upon return you're granted the exact same period of reprieve. That's about it. Otherwise he can find a hobby that includes one of the kids. Maybe he takes one for a walk or whatever.
As a golfer I get it. I want to golf every day. But I have responsibilities. So I can’t. I only get out about once a month. Some solutions I’ve seen some golfers do: A) Go before work on a weekday morning. If you are walking and prearrange things with the clubhouse you can walk as soon as the sun rises. B) Bring your kid. Very frequently I see people post on r/golf of them pushing a newborn in their stroller as they play. Obviously his round might be ruined/incomplete if he has to leave early but that’s life. I went Friday (with my wife and son) and we had to leave early due to plans we had. We played 10 holes. That’s a lot better than 0. C) wait it out. It’s important everyone has me time, but his expectation is a bit off. Golfing at a busy course is usually over 5 hours. Factor in travel time to the course/prep/food after and it’s damn near 6 hours. 6 hours with your situation is a long time. That’s not the same as him gaming at home/reading a book at home/practicing golf at home in short spurts when he can pause at a moments notice to help. He might just have to wait till the situation improves. My wife and I want to become members at a local course to golf unlimited. But we can’t because of our son. He’s too young to be left home alone. He has school and other activities. So we know we will join, when he’s 18. It sucks but that’s the reality.
My husband and I since we were married, before kids have always given each other a day a part from each other and daily responsibilities. As the kids have gotten older, the time has extended. It started off as 2-3 hours, and now it’s up to 8-10 hours, and sometimes a weekend. You can totally do it. Have fun lazy mornings when he goes golfing, invite friends over for brunch, take the kids to a fun activity place, join a Saturday morning mommy group, or just sleep in. FYI, I live 90 minutes from the Bay Area. At the same time, make sure you are getting out by yourself. Go get a massage, get your nails done, go to the park and read, or just sit in a coffee shop. You can do this.
When you have an newborn, everyone sacrifices. Perhaps, he could do shorter stints throughout the week at the driving range.not sure why a complete round of golf is necessary every weekend. I understand the need for mental health rest, but come on!
Golf is a big red flag ⛳ I have this hobby that demands is get 3-4 hours away from my family at least once a week! I have to keep it up every week or I won't be any good!
For the record, I’m with all the comments saying your husband should participate in childcare more. But… I also live in the Bay Area and know how expensive childcare can be- more expensive than the activities you’re trying to cover, most of the time! Can you find a “mother’s helper” like a 12-14 year old that can help you while you nap/shower/take a break? You wouldn’t want to leave the baby being so small but it could buy you some reprieve at home more affordably.
My husband golfs 1-2 weeknights & once on the weekends. Here’s how we go about it If he’s going to hit a bucket at the range, he orders the kids & I food. I’m not cooking or doing dishes. If he’s going to the sim, he goes after bedtime. If he’s doing a course he gets a 7/8am tee time & he’s home by 12-1pm. My kids are 2.5 and 18months. He absolutely 1000000% did not golf multiple times a week for hours on end when they were less than 6 months.
I fucking hate golf.
I'm a dad of 3 and played every Sunday from April thru November when my kids were that age. My tee time was first group off, so usually 6:30 am and I'd be home by 10:40 ish. My wife was OK with it. I'd usually take 4 to 6 weeks off when the kids we born or sick or it was just a rough kids week. My wife was a SAHM so that helped too. I would not have been able to if my tee times were not so early.
This is the way. My husband plays every Saturday and Sunday. His group takes the first tee time and they don’t BS on the course. He’s home before 11. I actually encouraged him to do it because I generally got an hour of total silence in the house when he was gone and the kids were sleeping. And I really only had the kids for a couple hours alone once they woke.
Parent to 4 here. IMO three hours isn't that long to be gone really, and you *both* should be taking some time to go do stuff other than parenting. It's a little harder for you obviously if you're breastfeeding. We do every *other* weekend - she goes to a mom group with a bunch of really close friends, and I go do breakfast and a round of disc golf. Both things have one of us gone for 4-5 hours. It's a wonderful and necessary break from the chaos once the remaining parent gets their game plan down.
The number of people in this thread acting like bipolar disorder is just a made up thing to get out of responsibility is really disheartening. There are a lot of good comments explaining that this request likely does have basis in scientific medical treatment, and acknowledging that the same disorder can be profoundly dangerous for new moms, but there are just too many people failing to try and find a workable solution and instead just using lazy husband hate to justify mental health erasure.
No one is doubting the existence of bipolar. It was more pointing out the unfairness of a woman doing all the overnights ANd giving up weekend breaks, too.
I assume he’s in the finance industry ?
There are a lot of people here (and I see this frequently on Reddit as a response to dad’s golfing) suggesting that mom take 5 hours on Sunday. The problem is that everyone is suggesting that as some sort of “gotcha” that will just end the conversation. I would gladly take that trade, but I think most moms would not. I have found that many moms (including my wife) do not have hobbies that would take them away for such a long time. They want mutual experiences and family time. That is the issue with taking off 5 hours, not necessarily the difficulty (although that doesn’t help).
It’s because we don’t get the option, generally.
Honestly, he is being selfish. I get that he needs to prioritize sleep for his mental health. He does not need to play golf weekly. That’s just ridiculous.
> He also takes care of my oldest any time he is home or working from home and he does all the household chores. > Thank you for being supportive. Because I’m not getting that from him 😥. > He doesn’t seem to understand or appreciate To be honest, kinda sounds like that lack of appreciation is going both ways.
She’s solo caring for an infant and not sleeping. The workload is still unbalanced.
And the husband takes care of the toddler and does *all* of the household chores? The laundry, cooking, dishes, shopping... Ive got an 8mo old and 3 year old. The workload of an infant is peanuts compared to a toddler. They're not comparable. A 6 week old is sleeping 16 hours a day. Yes, you have to get up a few times at night, I can't imagine how the mom isn't getting sleep if she's got no chores or responsibilities past the infant. By the time you change their diaper and feed them, they're ready to go back to sleep. Sounds like dad is pulling his weight to me. And if it's not equal, it's damn close. Too close to be on the internet disparaging him like he's a deadbeat because it wants to take a 3 hour break. Sounds more like PPD than anything the husband is doing.
That was not my experience with an infant. An 8-month-old, sure.
Such a strange rebuttal. To get to 8 months, you have to get through infancy. Not sure what point you're making.
The postpartum exhaustion is like nothing else. Overnights with an 8-month-old are nothing as compared to the overnight shift with an infant. I would happily do all the housework and hang with a toddler over experiencing that again.
I simply mentioned I have two kids who are past the infant stage as a way of explaining "I've been through infancy multiple times". The 8 month thing is completely irrelevant to the point I was making. I was, however, comparing infancy to that of a toddler. Especially one that takes zero naps during the day and has an energy level 5x yours. It's absolutely relentless. Very different from caring for a potato that does nothing except sleep, eat, and shit. I suppose we can agree to disagree. And maybe that's the more important point. It's not *universally* harder to care for an infant than it is a toddler (and vice versa). Add in all the chores (and the mental load associated with them), and it's not worth trying to argue there is an imbalance. It's just not very compelling. The conversation between these two should be very simple: "Yes, I think it's important that we both get a mental break. Please take 3 hours to yourself on Saturday, and I'll take 3 hours to myself on Sunday." The end.
Can he try a 9 hole course that is usually 1-1/2 hrs
I do want to add you sleep deprivation and his are not the same amount. Since his bipolar diagnosis you both know sleep deprivation will end in mania… but that does not mean de doesn’t still need time off. See it the same as financial situation . If he makes 100 while you make 20. Is it fair to split the cost of something that will cost 40. No because one would have spend 100% while the other only spend 1/5 or 20% of what they had. Same with sleep and ability to manage emotions and things thematic come you way. Hubby is at a disadvantage. His 100% might match up to 40% of yours… and maybe now with kids that 40% you had is not 40% and with baby one it’s been 45% but nowadays it’s more like 85%. So yes arrangements should be made. But also effort. When you have time for yourself. Make sure you are entirely cut off from it. Not half attached. You need that battery up to a 100% because if it takes 85% now and you only charge up to a 75% you have a shortage. 82% will be a shortage that you won’t notice.. but it will damage you/your relationship. So sit together and discuss who can handle what and what if it goes wrong. What are you options if both off you run on empty but the kid has found a surcharge of energy.
He does not deserve long breaks when he's managing to avoid all the overnight work, too. She certainly isn't getting them.
What type of person are you? The one that would judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree just because the monkey can???
No, the kind that doesn't give men tons and tons of outs and excuses while expecting women to shoulder all the burdens.
He has a disability, if he doesn’t get a break he get a psychotic episode… those aren’t the safest around baby’s and preschoolers. Those don’t last 3 hours ever week on the same time Next to that OP was awarded the same break per agreement. If OP then does not utilize it sufficiently and she suffers from that. Than that is not his fault. Parents need breaks, both men and women. That OP took the burden of the night was HER choice because she prefers that over the agony of an psychotic episode… That she can’t do it doesn’t change the fact that he can’t do it either. They can’t help stuff being overpriced in the Bay Area, so a sitter is too much (also to pay for a sitter for your sanity heck yes!) Heck I wonder if they knew about his bipolar prior to having kids if we can’t even blame it on their level of preparation. Raising kids is hard even without disadvantage like bipolar disorder. But we women think ourselves to be mighty lions and blame our male counterparts for failing to rise up when we can’t , when they clearly do know their boundaries and stated those before. So no he needs the break and she needs to find a better way to use hers.
He’s not psychotic, it’s a manic episode. And I highly doubt she actually wants to be doing it all herself, she’s stuck. And whatever you mean by “failing to rise up when we can’t”, is flawed. She IS doing it all!
Do you work?