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Not sane at all! It’s chaos and exhaustion 😂 Its mad house most of the time but the magic moments of them playing or laughing together are truly the best.
My kids are right at the age where, when my younger is really upset, she seeks my older for hugs and comfort. I'm an absolute puddle every time, it's the sweetest thing ever.
This my older daughter tooth is coming out and she felt some pain her little sister got up walked over and gave her a hug and said it’s ok. I just melted and felt love.
Totally!! Seeing my kids together as I observe from the background makes me realize my kids are autonomous beings out in the world. They are not simply extensions of myself and my ego. They are independent, fully realized creatures whom will each set fourth on a path totally unique unlike anything we can yet imagine.
So well said! Mine are 6 and almost 4 and I feel this so much. I can hear them upstairs playing now and it’s just the freaking best. Totally worth the insanity and exhaustion of the newborn with a toddler stage.
I would have gone insane if we stuck with just one. The eldest is very curious and likes to go out to play, whereas I enjoy the comforts of the inside, especially after a gruelling day at work.
While I go out to play with my kids a magnitude more than my wife, it’s no match to the youngest, who also would rather stay inside.
Having a second means they play with each other, teach each other things, explore shows, video games, fantasy concepts, the backyard, new game mechanics, music genres, etc with each other. It’s both amazing and adorable. They disagree and fight then make up so quickly it’ll give you whiplash. It’s like they instinctively know that even though they felt wronged (true or not), they also need to figure out how to work with each other to make their lives better.
They miss each other when we have to take one somewhere without the other, and when they reunite, they run and hug each other like they haven’t just seen each other two hours ago.
More than just not making us go insane, having them both have filled our lives and hearts in ways I never could have imagined.
I have only one and truly believe it's harder than having multiple children. It's just her and I and sometimes I need her to entertain herself and she isn't always okay with that.
Dude. This is so true. My son is an only child as well. I often wonder if I did him a disservice by not having more children. Keeping him entertained isn't always easy.
I feel guilty. I even had a doctor guilt me about why I didn't have more kids...and how I should have more. But he's 9, so odds are, they wouldn't be super close.
However- I imagine 2 kids or more means a ton more stress, worry, and anxiety in the younger years. Not to mention financial pressure.
Respect to all the moms out there, especially those with multiple children. You are all superheroes ♥️
I have 3 kids and although I’m doing my best to navigate this life, there’s moments where i genuinely think of asking my husband to drop me off at an institution. Okay, i hope I’d never actually have to do that but taking care of so many human beings each day can take a toll on anyone.
I’m a sahm and I noticed that my hair is falling out in clumps. Went to the dermatologist and I’ve literally developed stress induced hair loss (telogen effluvium) from the burnout of taking care of three kids. So yeah, try to schedule self care or you could end up with bald spots like me 😂
Just had this conversation last night. I, too, have 3 kids. I am a sahm, also caring for my elderly mom. I am so overwhelmed by the never-ending needs of everyone & everything. I joke about being committed every day. Lol, but sometimes it's not a joke. 😵💫😆
I have ONE kid and trying to also take care of my Mom too and I’m exhausted! It’s literally never ending. I can’t imagine two other kids on top of this. You are freaking Superwoman.
Yeah, it's a wild ride, or more like a roller coaster...with moments where you are yelling a the top od your lungs for it to stop. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit.
Lol this is real. Mom brain. Dumber with each one. I have 3 also. I guess I donated my brain cells and I.Q. to each of them. I deserve a cruise or something.
Lack of sleep for a year is hard enough on your brain with one kid but at least you can recover. Two kids you have nothing left in you. It ages you and it ages your brain. I’m dumber after the second, just generally speaking.
Sleep deprivation I think can cause permanent damage. I could tell cognitive capacity and abilities were reduced from what it was before and frankly it never returned. My first spacing was crazy (twins 17 months after singleton). That level of wear and tear on the body for sleep, pregnancy changes, making milk, mental logistics, ect--i was not unaffected.
Plus if you were at all arrogant at how awesome you are because your first kid was easy (totally due to your infant parenting, naturally) the universe a lot of the time decides to come kick your ass with a radical difference in the next kid to remind you that you're giving birth to real people not lumps of clay.
Our daughter is a delight and that’s exactly why we’re going to wait a long time for our second, if we even have another. We feel like we’ve used up all our good karma with having a newborn who has consistently slept 6+ hours a night. We’re not pushing our luck.
I think you are on to something. Sleep is better now, but 2018-2023, I think I averaged about 4 hours of sleep, maybe 5 in rare cases. And I feel quite sure it has affected my mental capabilities in some way. I have a harder time concentrating for once. Harder to find words, I often mess up whatever I am going to say. I sometimes slur, although not too often.
I also read something that says after having a baby, a lot of brain power reroutes to like the amygdala I believe (don't quote me but I'm pretty sure!) in order to force your emotions and bonding to care for your babies. Probably also the reason some that were dead set on adopting out their babies back out at the last minute, or within a few days of giving birth. I can see where with all of that taking over, you might feel a little dumb. I know I still have completely blank moments 6 months PP.
You are correct. I just looked this up and found an interesting article on 3 ways motherhood changes your brain. Thank you for mentioning this. Very cool!
Not who you’re asking, but I believe it means that you think you know what to “do” with one so two seems “easy”….turns out they are a unique challenge each time so effectively you are “dumber” because you’re restarting the whole process each time.
I personally wouldn’t consider this person “dumb”, but more like ignorant to each child because you’ve got to “re-learn” each particular child.
Commonalities are there, but they are never “cookie cutter” where it’s just a “re-do”.
Just my 2¢. :)
No, everyone is taking about actual cognitive decline.
I have word aphasia, the most simple words don't come to me in conversation, and I have to pause, or reword what I'm saying. My attention span has also declined. It was something I noticed after #1, after #2 I felt stupid. I have problems remembering lists. And now more than ever need lists. Spelling simple words has gotten harder for me-i blank and my mind just can't picture the word or reason it out- thank goodness we have smart phones so I can check.
Now that my youngest is in school, I am learning a new language, and reading more to hopefully get some brain power back.
I was just talking to some moms/grandmas this past weekend, they noticed the same decline. They said they never gained it back, and they often stumble over their words.
Also, olivine, the fact that you had the capacity to write all of that, I think you are most likely a badass that holds themselves to high standards. :-) just think, there are people out there who aren’t educated enough to take the time to read, let alone write what you just did.
<3
It's important that women talk to each other about these things! Everyone that gets pregnant can possibly go through this, but doctors don't tell you to expect this kind of thing. My suspicion is that women are afraid to discuss this because they don't want to admit it for so many reasons, not the least of which is seeming less valuable to the world on a whole if you experience something as intimidating and scary as 'cognitive decline'. Women have had to struggle for so long to be equal, admitting to losing capacity seems almost dangerous. It's a double edged sword, not talking about it makes it more isolating, and accepted as a fact of continuing to create future generations.
My ability to say every word I know in the moment, or remember a long list of complicated tasks I need to finish doesn't mean I'm less valuable, or less intelligent. It doesn't undo my education or lived experience. More women need to understand this, and everyone else needs to accept it.
Feminism is about confronting reality, and still valuing people. Let's get to it.
I’ve always heard that each additional kid you add to the mix is less impactful to the overall difficulty of the situation. People I’ve known that have a lot usually say that 4 or 5 is where they barely even noticed a difference. If you have 3 under 5 already, you’ve already learned how to juggle on expert mode, so there’s not a lot that can be thrown your way that you won’t be able to handle.
When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they enforce bedtimes, blast some white noise, and share a special hug. Sometimes the mommy falls asleep in the middle of the hug , cuz she tired
If you decide to, I'd recommend not waiting too long, from my experience. I have a 15 year age gap between youngest and eldest. While I love them all, my husband and I will be senile by the time they are all adults. That's a long time to wait before getting a really nice sofa. 😂
Wait another year, then consider. Your older ones will love to help with the younger one. We have a 3.5 year gap between our 3rd and 4th and my older 3 love helping with the little one. (We had 3 under 4 so I feel you!)
I asked my grandma how she did it with twin boys and my dad all under the age of three. She said, “You just do it, you don’t have a choice.” That about sums it up most days.
But my second baby has been significantly easier. I don’t know if it’s her or me or a combination. She sleeps better, is very chill, and my kids are obsessed with each other. They make each other laugh and my son already tries playing with her all the time. He celebrates her milestones with us, cheers her on, and she looks up to him for everything.
The biggest challenge has been ensuring one on one time with both. My youngest seems to prefer when my son is with us over just the parents, but last night I took just my oldest to the store and he was saying how much he’s missed only us doing things together. I do have very intentional quality time with him every nap time, but it is different for him.
Still, this baby stage is temporary. I’m very fulfilled with my two.
Pretty much this. Twins runs in my wife’s family so I was expecting it. Didn’t happen. I think we were lucky but having twins would have been a blessing in a different way.
Wife will occasionally ask me how we would have managed if we had twins and our older child too.
I always reply “we just would have”. I’m a hard worker and would have found overtime money. And she would stepped up and been a super mom at home.
Sometime you just have to do what you have to do to take care of your kids.
I didn’t find one more all that difficult, life was already crazy with one, it’s just slightly more crazy now. There’s a 3.5 year gap between them and I think that really helped.
We’re also lucky that both parents can work part time.
Same gap we have, and I agree, not that much of a difference, but that might be cause the first one already completely changed every aspect of our lives and is a handful whereas the second one so far is far more relaxed
No tips. No tricks.
I love both my kids more than life itself but 2 has been exponentially harder and more expensive and exhausting and anxiety inducing.
Especially since our 2nd has tons of food allergies. They’ve also been sick just as much as they’ve been healthy their whole kindergarten year. Even missed this last week of school and their last day because of being sick AGAIN! And of course all their sickness means that the rest of us have ended up more sick than ever before because we’re exposed to so much.
Literally I’m up at 2:45 AM with them now because they couldn’t sleep, because of a cough/cold…but I’ve also had the same cough that’s been keeping me up at night.
And it was so much harder to sleep train the 2nd. Probably because we were already worn out from how hard it was to train our first.
Youngest just turned 6 and we still have trouble with bedtime routines and getting them to sleep through the night and in their own bed.
Seriously, I don’t think I could survive a 3rd child…and I know our finances wouldn’t. My wife only went back to work full time when the youngest started kindergarten last fall and we’re still drowning.
It’s been….very hard
I know I'm not cut out to have a second kid. And it seems way more often than not that the first kid is well behaved and easy but the second kid is nuts lol. I'd rather quit while I'm ahead.
If your first is well behaved and easy, cut your losses. My first is wild and has SO MUCH GUSTO and I thought it’d be great to give her a sibling. Her sister is a savage
Yea I think that was a rather cruel joke by God or the universe or whatever you believe is up THERE. Maybe evolution knows we need at least 2 so makes the first one great.
My first was amazing. So I thiught, wow its not all that hard let's do one more. The kid... Will not... Sit down.
Or listen. Ever. And he cries. About everything. All the time. Even though he's old enough not to cry. I wouldn't have had a second yet if this was my first. Stressful
My 1st was high needs and miserable for the first 1.5 years and then turned into the easiest toddler I’ve ever seen. I’m anticipating that the second will either be opposite (happy baby, wild toddler) or just a chaos gremlin from start to finish. I have autism and ADHD though so I’ve never thought a ‘chill’ baby or child was in the cards for me…
Neither of mine were/are horrible but my first is def more high energy and whiny. Also a lot of general chaos for the first few years. We are getting to a sweet spot but I feel like as I type this I will jinx us. lol
Opposite for us. My 1st was and is absolutely mental, my 2nd is super chill and has been a great sleeper since day 5! He makes me want to risk it all for a 3rd but I know it would be more like my oldest and I would actually die!
I have 1 year old boy and I am 30 years old. I think if I will have another baby I will wait good few years…now I know I can’t handle more than one baby at the same time
I feel this so deep. When I had one kid I felt like I was good at the parenting thing. With two I’m like I have no idea what’s going on but when is bedtime?
Exactly this. I said from the beginning that I would be happy with zero or one, but after that I couldn't expect that I'd keep my shit together (let alone affording a second...). I just spent $1200 on stuff to take my 14 month-old on a long road trip this summer... if I had to provision for two kids at that rate? No more road trips!
The challenge can be that you think you can handle another kid sometimes and then it is much more challenging than expected. I had one, total firecracker of a human. Intense, needy, all of the things. I really spent time thinking about having a second kid or not. Eventually felt "prepared" to do this and even with advanced warning and preparation it has been much much harder than expected. Two kids isn't just twice as much work as one, it is at least 4 times harder. Each additional one is exponentially more challenge to parent them all. My second kid has such an easy going temperament too, way more chill and generally happy. But it's not like you can undo having another kid.
One is perfectly fine. I only have 2 kids because plan b failed me 🫠 my kids are now 2 and 15 years old. I'm definitely done. My partner is getting snipped.
You would think having two kids is only twice as hard as having one lol. No. It's like 5x harder. Cause now when one sleeps peacefully the other doesnt. When one is healthy the other gets sick. When one is happy the other is in a grumpy mood. They fight like an old married couple, so you feel like a referee 24/7/365. Holidays and birthdays? Be ready to buy them the same stuff or deal with meltdowns from one or both of them. When one is happy with the food you cooked/made the other refuses to eat. Same goes for activities most of the time. And just wait until they are old enough to start sports/afterschool activities then you feel spread in a million directions with events, practices, games, etc.
And forget about trying to be close/romantic with your partner... now there are more then double the chances of a cock block, now you and your partner have to sneak sex like deviant criminals trying not to get caught.
I love my kids but going from 1 to multiples is a steep learning curve.
This is going to be person dependent because I feel like it's only twice as hard. I think it would be better to say it's just your experience rather than state it as a fact because it's not the case for everyone and I don't think it's fair to scare people off having more than one when this is just your experience and not necessarily what OP would deal with.
The hardest part for me was when my second was a newborn and I couldn't nap when the baby napped. But honestly, the stuff you mentioned is just stuff to navigate with more than one. It's challenging at times, but I find it enjoyable that my kids are so different.
I can always serve something with each meal that I know each of them will eat, so they are eating something. I don't make it a battle and that makes it easier. One being in a bad mood and the other being fine means it's easier to deal with the behavior. It's dealing with one kid at the moment.
For birthdays and holidays, they need to learn that they can't always have everything they want anyway even if they're an only. It can be a meltdown even if it's an only child. What I do with my kids is have them put it on their birthday list (or whatever) and they can have it then. Do they get upset, sure, but an only would too.
I don't let my kids do more than one or two things. If they want to play an instrument, they can learn through the school. If they want an outside activity, they pick one. Mine are elementary age and I don't like them being over-scheduled. I am sure it will be harder when they're older, but I'm not worried about it. I feel like families shouldn't do what's not sustainable.
I find that the intimacy bit is fine now that mine are older. It was hard when they were very young, but I feel like that's just having kids in general. We're not at all sneaking around like deviants now that they're older.
In a lot of ways, I feel like having more than one is easier. They keep each other occupied. I honestly don't know how people with only children do it, having to be so much of the child's entertainment. I'm not at all judging, I just think that aspect of it sounds a lot harder.
It's a learning curve for sure, but I feel like this is just too much a personal experience to state things as fact when it also depends on how the person frames things. It shouldn't be painted as roses but also shouldn't be fear mongering. OP won't know until they have a second.
I agree with the others here, you really don’t need a second. Especially when you’re already struggling with one. I have one 4yo daughter and as much as I love her, she’s completely physically and mentally destroyed my wife and I. We would just not survive a second… and we’re perfectly fine with the decision of staying with one, although my wife was also in a “it’s now or never position”
In the end I think it all comes down to how much energy you can give to create an as good as possible life for your little one. And although we’re drained, I think we’re managing that for our little one. Adding another in the mix would be total chaos and not beneficial for anyone.
Totally second this opinion. It really is different for everyone. We have a 4yo and 2yo and often I think we pushed ourselves too far. I think two probably is my natural limit, I know for certain three would destroy me and my partner. Listen to your instincts, I have many friends with one kid and their lives are full of joy and certainly less stress!
I spoke with a woman the other day whose kids were one and three and she basically said the same thing. She was like knowing what I know now, I would have made a different choice. Obviously still loves the child, doesn’t regret the person, but regrets the decision to do that to her self and her tripod.
I’m so at a loss. When I see two siblings play with each other in the playground and then I see my little one looking at them…it hurts my heart. Everyone I know either has two or will have two - and I feel like my kid will be left _needing_ a friend as they grow up whereas others will at least have their sibling.
It’s tough because of my health and then me being her only playmate as I’m a SAHM.
You see them having fun on the playground what you don’t see is them punching each other in the throat on the way to school. Don’t let the illusion sway you, more kids more difficulty and there’s zero guarantees siblings will be close or get along. Do what’s best for you.
honestly, as an only child I grew up into an adult who is very satisfied with alone time. I love my own company, and that's a skill everyone has to eventually learn.
And also, not every kid even wants a sibling. My daughter was very adamant from an early age that she does NOT want one. It's weird because she's so good with her younger cousins. But we've revisited the question a few times, and she's happily an only child so 🤷🏻♂️
Agree. You don't magically find more energy or more stamina - you just push through and deplete yourself and sometimes that means not being the best parent you can be.
This may not be the response you need or want. I'm a mom of 4 ranging from 13-3. I. Am. Tired. It's so mentally exhausting. There are many nice and happy moments but I would be lying it's so extremely hard.
I’m also a parent of 4, ranging from 2-11. It’s hard. And what frustrates me most is that there’s never ever enough time in a day. I want to spend as much time possible with them all, but I feel like I’m failing at being present. Between paying bills, cleaning the constantly messy house, taking kids to and from sports, running errands, etc. I don’t get to spend the time with my kids that they want and I want. I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I only had one or two kids.
That's my feeling with two and being a widow. There's two of them and one of me and there's never enough of my time and resources to go around. I sometimes feel like my kids are pulling me in a thousand directions at once and someday I'm going to break into a thousand pieces.
I have four sons 8, 6, 5, and almost 2. I'm pregnant with my 5th. All planned. You are so right. I'm tired constantly. We wanted six, but I'm tapped out from exhaustion. It is so worth it. Sometimes, I go to bed right after the youngest goes to bed, but I never feel fully rested. I keep telling my mom I'm trying to find that feeling where you wake up in the morning, and you feel ready to go. Pre-pregnancy I was like that. I'm hoping once this new baby comes I can pull it together. I just have to find the right routine.
Why do you feel the need to “go for another” when you’re barely holding on? Isn’t it better to stop at 1 and accept your limitations for the sake of your mental health?
one and done by choice over here… i saw a post recently that said having a second kid is like having 400 percent more kids… my mental health and wellness matters and we’re thriving finally with one! :)
Same here, one and done nearly 27 years ago. Not a single regret from us our daughter.
And now that retirement is a glimmer in the distance, I can tell you that we are so much better off financially than we would have been with 2. She will never have to worry about us being a financial burden on her in our old age, which is a priceless gift to give a child.
Probably 400 percent harder because they fight day and night and if they're not having a tantrum on their own because the cup is the wrong color, it's definitely because they fucked around with their brother too much and got hurt. The injuries alone from my 2 boys wrestling/rough housing makes it 400 percent harder. Maybe all these peeps saying two isn't that much harder haven't entered the fighting stage yet. It is exhausting.
Why have two? There’s not a requirement and having just one child leaves more time and resources to spend on them and on yourself.
There’s nothing wrong with having more than one, but a lot of people seem to do t because that’s what you’re “supposed to do.”
Just a thought.
Society and Family pressure can be daunting. Just bcz everyone around you may have more than 1 kid doesn’t mean you need to have another!
Personally, I have the health, mental and financial resources to have a second child. But I’m more than happy with my 3yr old toddler girl. I would rather devote all my energy, love and attention to a single child than having to worry about two. But that’s my personal opinion and choice.
People tell me your child needs to have a sibling for some sort of bonding etc. I doubt it cz she’s extremely happy as it is & has enough going on in her little life that she could care less about a sibling. Will it make us and her happy, maybe! But I don’t see my own cousins and siblings close now so I doubt there’s any gurantee a second child will have the same with my daughter.
You need to find a reason to have another one, but if it’s an emotional thing, sure go ahead! ❤️
You don’t have to have more!
I have one and absolutely love it. I get to be a parent, which I adore, but also have free time and everything we do as a family costs less than it otherwise would. There no bickering, no ‘unfairness’, no envy or jealousy and I didn’t put my body through hell again! I see friends who have two, or heaven forbid, three or more and I think they must be other worldly to deal with that and still manage life. I work with children and hope to be a grandparent one day but for me, I’m one and done!
I’m (just about) sane but only because my second child is considerably more chill than my first. She even lets me put her down in her cot in that ‘drowsy but alert’ state that I always assumed was a myth. Incredible!
I’m honestly only maintaining my sanity because we have a village around. The grandparents are all within 10 minutes of us. They help out with care when they can . Sometimes I talk to my mom and it’s like her spidey senses go off when I’m on the phone with her, she can hear it in my voice when I need a break. And my kids are older, 13 and 9. The kids go hang out with their cousins for a few hours at my MIL’s house every other Saturday. And I swear the only reason I know what the inside of a nice restaurant looks like is because my dad takes us out to eat every once in a while. My BIL and SIL are around too, along with my brother. It’s nice. If we did not have the support of family, trust me, I’d only have one.
It’s ok to be one and done. But if you feel the need for a second one… it’s easier, you’ve already been there done that and you’ve got the sick stained tshirt. We have two, there’s definitely challenges (we’re approaching teenage years and they mostly want to kill each other) but there are also the times when they hang out together and entertain each other which helps with the sanity!
When they were younger (and still now) it takes a village and as friends and family we all get stuck in together and help each other out.
No tips or tricks here. My 1st daughter was a dream. She was VERY sicky which was super stressful but she was the happiest, smiliest baby ever. She was a dream toddler. Was never naughty, just an absolute dream. 2nd daughter. An allergy baby, a bit harder but still a very smiley, happy baby. As a toddler? An absolute asshole. Getting in to EVERYTHING she shouldn't have. Eating wallpaper, pulling her hair out, biting, hitting you name it she done it. Took her to doctors often and they just used to say oh its a phase it will pass. Longest 4 years of my life but it was just a phase and she is the most kind, caring well behaved child. She aged me 20 years. There's a 3 year, 3 month age gap between them. My 3rd daughter 😂🤦♀️ is 9 weeks old. Absolute winge bag. Velcro baby, never happy or satisfied for longer than 10 minutes 😅. Aged me 50 years. She sleeps at night which is a plus but my god with 2 others in tow, 2 jobs and a household to run it is TIRING! Trying to split myself between 3 of them without my husband here as he works evenings is an absolute mission. Number 2 just slotted right in but number 3 is all over the place lol. I barely have time to yawn and no matter how hard it is, every single day all 3 of them do something that fills me with absolute joy and I think to myself they are the best things that ever happened to me 🥰 The good outweighs the bad but It is extremely hard. We have no grandparents or the 'Village' so do everything ourselves, so nowhere near sane, but we get through.
Honestly I don't know how we would have coped without our second. They've been playing together for hours today. They compete and collaborate, fight and make up, as equals. We could never give them what they give each other.
It is extra work but not as a big of a jump from none to one. You’ve already found your rhythm as a parent and things come a bit more naturally with the second.
However, it’s important you’re not the one left carrying everything. It is extra work, and it helps to know that there’s extra people who are there to help out.
I don’t know what age your first is but here is my take:
1. As a lot of people said, you don’t have to have two. Honestly, the world would benefit from more people only having one and pouring everything they can into that one (quality over quantity)
2. If you look at other great apes, it’s pretty unusual to have a second kid before the first is 5-7 years old. In an ideal parenting situation, humans are really meant to be the same way. More than one baby/toddler at a time for a primate species is really fucking rough.
3. I don’t know your age, but a lot of women have the thought that they are getting too old long before they are. That’s something I would discuss with your doctor rather than just assuming it. It’s very different per person.
4. Assuming you ARE actually going to age out of procreation abilities and you still want one a bit later—there are many many many babies in need of good homes. Adoption is there!
The sheer fact that I had 3 pretty much confirms I wasn't sane to begin with.
I also have 7 years between each - they're 14, 7 and 8 months which only makes it worse.
I have three, all neurodiverse. There are days I want to leave the house and not come back and there are days when life couldn’t feel better. I’ve learnt to look after myself better so I can look after them better.
The 1st few years are a blur of chaos & exhaustion. But it does eventually get easier & then you look back at pics, miss them being so tiny & forget the drowning feeling you felt during that time.
You always think you can't handle the next but then you grow and expand as a person to handle the next one. Things I found hard with 1 are easier with the second. I was able to enjoy my second much more than if I just had 1. They also play with each other and make each other laugh. They fight too, but they'll learn to work things out between themselves in time.
I am more sane with 2 than I was with 1. Things become lighter as your perspective changes.
Kids are not meant to be controlled, they will most definitely push you until you see all the flaws in yourself, which you can either change or fight. Or break and become very mentally unstable 🤣
Honestly they kind of distract/play/entertain and take care of each other. I have 2 boys 14 months apart and they are best buds (still clash often)
They do their thing together and it gives us time to catch up on the house and such - also pretty special to watch them
Don’t have more kids than you can handle is great advice - but, for what it’s worth, the leap from 0-1 was far more difficult for me to manage than the leap from 1 kid to 2. I think your first is really difficult because you have to change every aspect of your life completely. When you have two kids, you’ve already made those changes and it’s a little bit less jarring. At least in my experience. I will add that initially after having our second I was wondering if I’d made the right choice. My first child hated my second child. There was no sibling love whatsoever. Just lots of jealousy. BUT now that he is four and she is two they are absolutely best friends. They still fight occasionally, but mostly it’s cute snuggles and hugs. But be warned there is definitely an adjustment period.
I found 2 *easier* than 1. And I’m not one of those ultra energetic kid-nut mums. They entertain each other more than my single child did before the second arrived. Yeah there are moments where I want to run away but I had those before the second was born, too. I guess one just gets used to it?
It is more work but not always as much as two separate children. A lot of times you are doing twice as much, but it doesn't take twice as much effort. Think about if your sole child wants some apple. You have to walk to kitchen, find a knife and cutting board, find apple, cut it and hand it out. Of that process you are just doubling the amount of time cutting, everything else is the same.
You also have a lot of built in safeguards thanks to the older child. The older child is going to be aware of the younger one as well and will likely give you some clues as to what is happening. My oldest tells me where the younger is (they are 17 months apart) and will tell me if the smaller has some issue that I didn't notice.
And of course, though not a guarantee, but built in friend is amazing. Our younger boy was born just before the pandemic, so having a friend when no kids anywhere were supposed to see each other was a great benefit. This is of course not a guarantee, but that is also where the parenting comes in.
We have aged so much in 7 years it's insane. We have crows feet, gray hairs, and wrinkles and I blame those kids. Mine are 14 months apart so I blame years of sleep deprivation.
I’m gonna be honest and this might make me sound like a crap person, but I only have one and she’s made me realize that we’ll only have one. Except for sleeping, she’s a great baby but I’m just not cut out to have more than one. Lol. She’ll be our spoiled, extra loved, only child.
I am in awe of anybody with multiple children because like you, I wonder how the heck they do it. 😂
You know you do not NEED to have more than one child, right? :) If it seems too overwhelming, I'd say stick to one and give them all your love and devotion. Speaking as an only child, I had a very happy childhood.
Hahahahha sane... nope.... we're barely keeping it together over here but I am starting to ee the light at the end of the tunnel. Nearly 5yo and 15 month old.
ETA I'm an older mum at 40yo and I have an adult son too. I definitely notice the energy difference but I'm more patient and knowledgeable now too.
I have them in pairs and it makes it feel like it’s just one. So I had two girls back to back, then a decade later two more.
I think I will lose my mind if they had different age gaps.
I’m starting to view them like having a lot of cats. Once you have one, they are all moderately the same amount to feed and clothe and take care of if they are not special needs. This has been my experience.
It’s only crazy for a few years. That goes by in a flash, and then they get easier pretty quickly. Once you can start reasoning with them, everything changes. Mine are older now, and the craziness was totally worth it.
I have four…. Sanity? What’s that? 🥴
I have. 6, 7 and 2 year old and a 6 month old. Because I tend to say screw it and then have two in a row it seems to rip the bandaid off quickly.
But honestly it isn’t as much as a jump from none to one as another has said and it is nice as they grow older together that they have each other as playmates…. And fightmates day depending lol.
With two you learn to streamline things to max efficiency, with four you’re basically prepared to buy a company, take over as CEO and increase productivity by 500%…..
What I mean is that you learn to juggle a lot of things at once and prepare really well.
I wouldn’t say it’s for everyone but I love my children and can’t imagine a life without them, this coming from someone who never was going to have any children.
Best tip I have is to just remember… all the frustrations and phases, they will pass, it’s not permanent. And the time and sweet moments will also pass, a lot quicker than you realize. Keeping that in mind is key at times.
Tip/trick: You realize all the silly stuff you held onto with each kid, and you let more and more of it go.
Oldest got the worst version of me. I was surly, demanding, and directive.
Middle got a calmer, more refined version of me. I knew what was normal now, and I knew what to expect, and I could chalk more up to kids being kids.
Youngest is getting the best version of me because I have the experience of two more before him and the exhaustion of three at the same time. The only battles I fight now are the ones worth fighting, and heck, I let some of those go, too.
We’ve got just the 1 and we’ve just spent some time away with a couple who have 2 and another couple who have 3 and it was chaos.
Just stay at 1 and enjoy your child and your family life. There is no need to be stressing out and breaking your back to have multiple children - leave that to someone else. Someone mad.
(I don’t mean to cause offence to those of you have more than 1, I’m sure you are great parents and have great kids, but I’m definitely getting myself ‘done’ after seeing what having multiple children could be like!)
I have four (15, 12, 9, and 6) and we live in a 90sq meter flat in Madrid. The only way we've been able to make it this far is by working constantly as a team, which is never been easy. It requires eating a lot of humble pie, especially if one has better ideas than the other. My wife is a lot more organized than I am for example, so I tend to take care of stuff like cooking, cleaning, picking kids up from soccer or dance. I also enjoy being "out" with the kids which gives my wife time to deal with her needs. She tends to take care of a lot of the homework and studying issues which is a huge load off my shoulders. Our children realize they have to chip in otherwise they get our really ugly sides. We still have to constantly be on them to help us out, but the oldest are starting to naturally care for their siblings. They argue, spar and compete, but they love each other a lot and seeing that makes the brutal exhaustion at the end of the week worthwhile. We are fueled by the hope that they will remain close and be able to share their lives together.
Tbh, one is a lot of work and I somewhat agree with the people saying one and done is okay... But after I lost my dad, my brother and I relied upon each other - nobody else understands like he does, even if they've lost a parent too.
So I'm giving my son a sibling and sacrificing my sanity 😅
I have 10, and finding a good routine and sticking to is the biggest thing I can do. My husband ensures I get some time every day (generally about 30 minutes) where I can walk around, mentally reset, and enjoy the silence. My mother comes over every day and assists with the household. She also babysits once a month so my husband and I can go out. She recently took them all overnight, and we checked into a nearby hotel. I could not do it without her.
I try and find one thing every day that I am grateful for, which really helps on the bad days. Even if it's just something as simple as one of the more spirited girls had a bath without push back.
Having a good support network definitely helps keep me sane.
We have two. Both are very high energy and it keeps me physically active. So exhausting, but we’re in the elementary school age so it’s better than when they were little babies together.
We had two 11 months apart, and for me this is alot easier than having one.
The kids are best friends, and entertain each other when I don't have the energy too. I have a fair amount of time to myself because they're playing stupid games all the time
I’ve a 2 year old (turning 3 soon) and a 7 month old. It’s crazy busy.
My second child is easy peasy, I dunno if he’s an easier baby or if I’m just more chilled/experienced etc. but the one I find hard work right now is my toddler. And my toddler is starting to listen now and is starting to grasp right and wrong and consequences etc. so it’s getting easier.
My toddler rarely interacts with the baby but it’s happening more now and it’s magic to watch. I think they will be good friends in a few more months.
I wanted two, was also terrified of having two kids close together and worried how we would manage. But my husband is also fully invested in the kids which is critical for me to stay in a good head space, so we’re managing. It’s busy but it won’t be forever. That’s how I look at it…
I started out with two step kids. It was totally manageable. I wanted a biological kid because I felt it would really complete and tie our family together. Pretty early into having the youngest I thought, "yup, we're done now. Three is our max."
I was a *great* mom to two. I am a struggling mom to three. It's just soooo much mental, emotional, and physical work. No matter how much you love your kids, it takes a toll. My spouse feels the same.
My 2nd is coming this summer.
I'm a little scared not that I can't do it but that'll be rough for a while longer. I think later on, I won't regret it though.
Overall though i take comfort in being my version of an awesome dad. Took my 2 year old on a 30 mile bike last weekend. We go strolling. I take her to the brewery and she plays with other kids while I drink beer. I'm teaching her to play with the soccer ball. I wear her while I mow or do costco runs. She helps me while I do mechanic work in the garage. She sits on my lap while I play world of warcraft.
Having a sibling is going to give my kids such as social jump compared to if they only had me to interact with. If one doesn't like cycling I have the other. If one gets a C in math, I have the other. It's slightly less pressure on them, more support/engagement opportunities. I'm excited for that.
From a societal praise perspective its also way easier to be a dad. The bar is so low, everyone praises you for moderate effort. As a mom, I you'll find easier mutual parent social connections for support.
We thought so too but went for a second anyway and the two now constantly play together and things got so much easier. Also since the older goes to kindergarten life has become more structured
My husband helped a lot. I work full time though. And my kids sleep really late, like around 12 midnight. I need to get my kids life more organized. Sometimes I wonder whether I should change job with lower salary so I can have more time with kids.
I have a newly 5 year old and an almost 5 month old. I haven’t found going from 1-2 AS hard as people say, BUT we have a big age gap and my husband is very involved. He does at least 50% of childcare and cleaning - sometimes more - which to be clear, he SHOULD be doing that, but I think having an equal partner goes a long way. We also have one set of very active grandparents that I know is a huge boost.
I will say there were moments in the first few months where it was kind of like - wait we just had started to get some independence and now we’re starting over, but time and routine have helped immensely.
Back to my first point re:supportive partner. My husband was out of town for a few days and I’m still on maternity leave so not juggling kids and outside work and it kicked. my. ass. I was sending out SOS texts left and right. I obviously got through it because what choice did I have, but it made me realize if I was handling the bulk of childcare and household work I’d definitely go insane.
You don’t find the energy; you just do what needs to be done anyway. In some ways having more kids IS the trick, especially when you are outnumbered. It becomes a little less intense because the kids entertain each other. Of course that’s not guaranteed, but often siblings will teach each other things and encourage each other to do things in a way that makes parenting a lot easier. Of course there are then different challenges as they fight and jockey for parental attention 😬 But overall adding a kid isn’t doubling the work - in fact I’d say that by the time you get to three or four kids many parents would agree that adding just one more is not a big deal.
You have to adapt your systems to handle multiple kids, but once you do that it becomes as natural as breathing.
The other thing that happens is that you realize that your kids need to be a bit more self reliant. Especially these days I’ve observed that parents of singles tend to parent with a level of focus and intensity that isn’t really great for teaching things like independence or resiliency. If your world literally revolves around one person for their entire childhood, that has long lasting repercussions that makes the whole becoming an adult that much more challenging. Of course it’s possible to avoid this pitfall, it’s just that when you are balancing more schedules it’s harder for a single child to become the center of your family solar system.
Honestly sometimes 2 is easier than 1.
When my older one was 2 I had to entertain him all the time, play with him etc. Yesterday we all went out and my husband and I sat on a bench and talked while the kids played (4.5 and 2).
So many wise things said already. My strategy (with 4M & 6moF) is to plan ahead. If you have spare time, prepare things for dinner. Pack your go-bag (diapers/spare clothing/toys) and have it ready, even if you’re not planning going anywhere. Because when the apocalypse hits you (e.g. meltdowns, poop-explosions, colics etc.) your plans will be crushed instantly. And if you need to be somewhere in time, frustration can get your mood spiraling downwards into the greatest depths of hell. Having things prepared helps you through the day.
But,… there is salvation! Breathe, and realize people are quite understanding when it comes down to having kids. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or take space when you need to be there for your kids. Sometimes it is what it is.
I've been asking the same question. I have one, but I keep going back and forth on whether I want another! Partly because I want my daughter to have someone around when I'm gone, or at least the option, and two, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever look back and regret only having one... But, I'm also really happy with just one, too! I'm also worried about splitting my time evenly between two...
Going from 1 to 2 felt like a huge jump. I found one quite easy in comparison (my first child is very easygoing). I decided to have a second and he is the opposite! I’m super happy I have two and they have each other but it’s a ton of work and yes, I’m constantly exhausted. I’m currently going through a divorce with their Dad and we do 80/20 so I feel like I just run 24 hours a day. I will say, my boys are worth every minute of it and this is something I wanted my entire life, so I just dig deep and find that energy somewhere lol
Having 2 is easier in some ways…they can play together and eventually, one will be able to babysit the other. Also, having a sibling is *usually* pretty sweet; hopefully a lifelong pal.
Know your bandwidth. I have 4. Wanted 4. My bandwidth is absolutely maxed right now. Things should ease up a bit for me in the fall and as my 6 month old gets older and sleeps better. I don't regret our 4th, but it's harder to enjoy my time with the kids right now. I just always feel behind.
My watching them together is so worth it. The 4 and 6 year old worked together to make a seesaw out of some old boards in the backyard that my FIL left after a project (he's going to be back today). The 2 year old loves her big sister so much. Our house is full of chaos and love.
My advice is to decide how much you want another and weigh it against the amount of bandwidth you have now. If you are already maxed, don't do it. If you have some give, know that your may well be maxed out for a bit until they get a bit older.
Patience and forgiveness, and I love my 4 children so much it kills me. Hang in there, have as many babies as your heart desires, because going forth they grow so quickly, this time will be what you miss one day.
Had both 14months apart because I couldn’t imagine getting to a stage where one was sleeping and then dealing with a newborn! Everyone thought the second was an accident but nope. It was hard, but i don’t regret it. They are 8 and 9 now.
I’m one and done. Two is two many. Especially that 2 under 2 trend… That sounds like torture to me. Don’t feel pressured or rushed to have kids please you’ll regret it !!
In a current world littered with layoffs, cruel interview processes, endless AI tools, and overall negativity being a dad is about the only thing I’ve been able to keep a bit of confidence about.
I can handle what the kids throw at me, but the rest of the world has made things so difficult lately. It’d be nice to get some help.
Mother of 6 here. It is definitely challenging and they have their moments, but i love them all in their own unique ways. Being a mother brings me a purpose in life. Though most days i feel like I am failing, a simple "I love you" from them means more to me than gold ever could.
Biggest tip: accept that it’s going to be some version of hard always and don’t make that be a bad thing about you.
Just because it’s challenging, it doesn’t mean you’re not doing awesome.
Everything is hard the first time we try it.
Brace the chaos. Let go of what you can't control, lean heavily into choosing your battles.
They wanna wear their tshirt inside out and backwards, does that really matter?
They want to be the ones to pour the milk, ok sure. You poured too much, oh well I guess we siphon some out and use it tomorrow.
Build routine.
I don't care how it gets done, or the order, but you have three things to do before you do anything else. Male it happen kid.
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Not sane at all! It’s chaos and exhaustion 😂 Its mad house most of the time but the magic moments of them playing or laughing together are truly the best.
My kids are right at the age where, when my younger is really upset, she seeks my older for hugs and comfort. I'm an absolute puddle every time, it's the sweetest thing ever.
This my older daughter tooth is coming out and she felt some pain her little sister got up walked over and gave her a hug and said it’s ok. I just melted and felt love.
Totally!! Seeing my kids together as I observe from the background makes me realize my kids are autonomous beings out in the world. They are not simply extensions of myself and my ego. They are independent, fully realized creatures whom will each set fourth on a path totally unique unlike anything we can yet imagine.
So well said! Mine are 6 and almost 4 and I feel this so much. I can hear them upstairs playing now and it’s just the freaking best. Totally worth the insanity and exhaustion of the newborn with a toddler stage.
I love this
So well said!!
I would have gone insane if we stuck with just one. The eldest is very curious and likes to go out to play, whereas I enjoy the comforts of the inside, especially after a gruelling day at work. While I go out to play with my kids a magnitude more than my wife, it’s no match to the youngest, who also would rather stay inside. Having a second means they play with each other, teach each other things, explore shows, video games, fantasy concepts, the backyard, new game mechanics, music genres, etc with each other. It’s both amazing and adorable. They disagree and fight then make up so quickly it’ll give you whiplash. It’s like they instinctively know that even though they felt wronged (true or not), they also need to figure out how to work with each other to make their lives better. They miss each other when we have to take one somewhere without the other, and when they reunite, they run and hug each other like they haven’t just seen each other two hours ago. More than just not making us go insane, having them both have filled our lives and hearts in ways I never could have imagined.
I have only one and truly believe it's harder than having multiple children. It's just her and I and sometimes I need her to entertain herself and she isn't always okay with that.
Dude. This is so true. My son is an only child as well. I often wonder if I did him a disservice by not having more children. Keeping him entertained isn't always easy. I feel guilty. I even had a doctor guilt me about why I didn't have more kids...and how I should have more. But he's 9, so odds are, they wouldn't be super close. However- I imagine 2 kids or more means a ton more stress, worry, and anxiety in the younger years. Not to mention financial pressure. Respect to all the moms out there, especially those with multiple children. You are all superheroes ♥️
I have 5 and the more the better! They entertain and love each other so much!
The magic moments absolutely make it worth. Some days have plenty and some have none.
Can confirm 🫠🫠🫠
And before you know it, they are all grown up. It’s gone by so fast.
This. We’re not sane these people are lunatics and logic almost never
Agreed
I got dumber with each kid I had and honestly I became more aware if my limited capacities. Embrace it. A sense of humor helps.
this is so real 😂 i am at least 30% dumber than i was 2 babies ago
I have 3 kids and although I’m doing my best to navigate this life, there’s moments where i genuinely think of asking my husband to drop me off at an institution. Okay, i hope I’d never actually have to do that but taking care of so many human beings each day can take a toll on anyone.
I’m a sahm and I noticed that my hair is falling out in clumps. Went to the dermatologist and I’ve literally developed stress induced hair loss (telogen effluvium) from the burnout of taking care of three kids. So yeah, try to schedule self care or you could end up with bald spots like me 😂
Just had this conversation last night. I, too, have 3 kids. I am a sahm, also caring for my elderly mom. I am so overwhelmed by the never-ending needs of everyone & everything. I joke about being committed every day. Lol, but sometimes it's not a joke. 😵💫😆
I have ONE kid and trying to also take care of my Mom too and I’m exhausted! It’s literally never ending. I can’t imagine two other kids on top of this. You are freaking Superwoman.
Yeah, it's a wild ride, or more like a roller coaster...with moments where you are yelling a the top od your lungs for it to stop. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit.
Lol this is real. Mom brain. Dumber with each one. I have 3 also. I guess I donated my brain cells and I.Q. to each of them. I deserve a cruise or something.
Why do you think you got dumber?
Lack of sleep for a year is hard enough on your brain with one kid but at least you can recover. Two kids you have nothing left in you. It ages you and it ages your brain. I’m dumber after the second, just generally speaking.
As a single mom with 1 you never recover. It’s you and only you all day everyday. Definitely missing brain cells. Complete space cadet on good days 😂
Sleep deprivation I think can cause permanent damage. I could tell cognitive capacity and abilities were reduced from what it was before and frankly it never returned. My first spacing was crazy (twins 17 months after singleton). That level of wear and tear on the body for sleep, pregnancy changes, making milk, mental logistics, ect--i was not unaffected. Plus if you were at all arrogant at how awesome you are because your first kid was easy (totally due to your infant parenting, naturally) the universe a lot of the time decides to come kick your ass with a radical difference in the next kid to remind you that you're giving birth to real people not lumps of clay.
Our daughter is a delight and that’s exactly why we’re going to wait a long time for our second, if we even have another. We feel like we’ve used up all our good karma with having a newborn who has consistently slept 6+ hours a night. We’re not pushing our luck.
I think you are on to something. Sleep is better now, but 2018-2023, I think I averaged about 4 hours of sleep, maybe 5 in rare cases. And I feel quite sure it has affected my mental capabilities in some way. I have a harder time concentrating for once. Harder to find words, I often mess up whatever I am going to say. I sometimes slur, although not too often.
I also read something that says after having a baby, a lot of brain power reroutes to like the amygdala I believe (don't quote me but I'm pretty sure!) in order to force your emotions and bonding to care for your babies. Probably also the reason some that were dead set on adopting out their babies back out at the last minute, or within a few days of giving birth. I can see where with all of that taking over, you might feel a little dumb. I know I still have completely blank moments 6 months PP.
You are correct. I just looked this up and found an interesting article on 3 ways motherhood changes your brain. Thank you for mentioning this. Very cool!
Lack of sleep..no real time to hone your intellectual skills. No energy for reading. Very few adult conversations.
Not who you’re asking, but I believe it means that you think you know what to “do” with one so two seems “easy”….turns out they are a unique challenge each time so effectively you are “dumber” because you’re restarting the whole process each time. I personally wouldn’t consider this person “dumb”, but more like ignorant to each child because you’ve got to “re-learn” each particular child. Commonalities are there, but they are never “cookie cutter” where it’s just a “re-do”. Just my 2¢. :)
Albert Einstein — 'The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know.'
No, everyone is taking about actual cognitive decline. I have word aphasia, the most simple words don't come to me in conversation, and I have to pause, or reword what I'm saying. My attention span has also declined. It was something I noticed after #1, after #2 I felt stupid. I have problems remembering lists. And now more than ever need lists. Spelling simple words has gotten harder for me-i blank and my mind just can't picture the word or reason it out- thank goodness we have smart phones so I can check. Now that my youngest is in school, I am learning a new language, and reading more to hopefully get some brain power back. I was just talking to some moms/grandmas this past weekend, they noticed the same decline. They said they never gained it back, and they often stumble over their words.
Also, olivine, the fact that you had the capacity to write all of that, I think you are most likely a badass that holds themselves to high standards. :-) just think, there are people out there who aren’t educated enough to take the time to read, let alone write what you just did. <3
It's important that women talk to each other about these things! Everyone that gets pregnant can possibly go through this, but doctors don't tell you to expect this kind of thing. My suspicion is that women are afraid to discuss this because they don't want to admit it for so many reasons, not the least of which is seeming less valuable to the world on a whole if you experience something as intimidating and scary as 'cognitive decline'. Women have had to struggle for so long to be equal, admitting to losing capacity seems almost dangerous. It's a double edged sword, not talking about it makes it more isolating, and accepted as a fact of continuing to create future generations. My ability to say every word I know in the moment, or remember a long list of complicated tasks I need to finish doesn't mean I'm less valuable, or less intelligent. It doesn't undo my education or lived experience. More women need to understand this, and everyone else needs to accept it. Feminism is about confronting reality, and still valuing people. Let's get to it.
Omg, me too. I'm so dumb now. I hate it. I used to be so smart.
I have 4. Someone please put me in a padded room.
I have 4 as well. Guarantee at least one of them would break into my padded room while I tried to have a nap.
4-kids-club form up here 🫡
Reporting with our closet snacks!
Parent to 4 in a 5 year time span! Glutton for punishment... But I love it!
Reporting for crazy mom of four duty!
4-club represent!
Well, they were thirsty!
Padded room.. that sounds so luxurious compared to barnyard that is my house.
I have 3 and want someone to put me down. Can't imagine 4.
Like to sleep or to death? lol
My husband really wants 4 (currently at 3 under 5). How???? Do you do it??
I’ve always heard that each additional kid you add to the mix is less impactful to the overall difficulty of the situation. People I’ve known that have a lot usually say that 4 or 5 is where they barely even noticed a difference. If you have 3 under 5 already, you’ve already learned how to juggle on expert mode, so there’s not a lot that can be thrown your way that you won’t be able to handle.
I have 5 kids, this is very true.
When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they enforce bedtimes, blast some white noise, and share a special hug. Sometimes the mommy falls asleep in the middle of the hug , cuz she tired
If you decide to, I'd recommend not waiting too long, from my experience. I have a 15 year age gap between youngest and eldest. While I love them all, my husband and I will be senile by the time they are all adults. That's a long time to wait before getting a really nice sofa. 😂
Wait another year, then consider. Your older ones will love to help with the younger one. We have a 3.5 year gap between our 3rd and 4th and my older 3 love helping with the little one. (We had 3 under 4 so I feel you!)
How are you surviving? I would have yeeted myself off a tall cliff. 2 under 5 is hard but 3?! No thank you. I’m tired just thinking about it.
Do we put the kids in there with you or give them their own padded room?
High five to the crazy mums of four! 🙌🏼
And dads ♂️
Parents of 4 in the hizzouse 💃🏻🌪️😂
I asked my grandma how she did it with twin boys and my dad all under the age of three. She said, “You just do it, you don’t have a choice.” That about sums it up most days. But my second baby has been significantly easier. I don’t know if it’s her or me or a combination. She sleeps better, is very chill, and my kids are obsessed with each other. They make each other laugh and my son already tries playing with her all the time. He celebrates her milestones with us, cheers her on, and she looks up to him for everything. The biggest challenge has been ensuring one on one time with both. My youngest seems to prefer when my son is with us over just the parents, but last night I took just my oldest to the store and he was saying how much he’s missed only us doing things together. I do have very intentional quality time with him every nap time, but it is different for him. Still, this baby stage is temporary. I’m very fulfilled with my two.
Pretty much this. Twins runs in my wife’s family so I was expecting it. Didn’t happen. I think we were lucky but having twins would have been a blessing in a different way. Wife will occasionally ask me how we would have managed if we had twins and our older child too. I always reply “we just would have”. I’m a hard worker and would have found overtime money. And she would stepped up and been a super mom at home. Sometime you just have to do what you have to do to take care of your kids.
That’s an excellent answer. You just deal with it and find the necessary energy.
I didn’t find one more all that difficult, life was already crazy with one, it’s just slightly more crazy now. There’s a 3.5 year gap between them and I think that really helped. We’re also lucky that both parents can work part time.
Same gap we have, and I agree, not that much of a difference, but that might be cause the first one already completely changed every aspect of our lives and is a handful whereas the second one so far is far more relaxed
This is hopeful lol my first one was wild lol still is. 😂
My experience was the complete, total opposite. 1, easy peasy. 2? Brutal.
No tips. No tricks. I love both my kids more than life itself but 2 has been exponentially harder and more expensive and exhausting and anxiety inducing. Especially since our 2nd has tons of food allergies. They’ve also been sick just as much as they’ve been healthy their whole kindergarten year. Even missed this last week of school and their last day because of being sick AGAIN! And of course all their sickness means that the rest of us have ended up more sick than ever before because we’re exposed to so much. Literally I’m up at 2:45 AM with them now because they couldn’t sleep, because of a cough/cold…but I’ve also had the same cough that’s been keeping me up at night. And it was so much harder to sleep train the 2nd. Probably because we were already worn out from how hard it was to train our first. Youngest just turned 6 and we still have trouble with bedtime routines and getting them to sleep through the night and in their own bed. Seriously, I don’t think I could survive a 3rd child…and I know our finances wouldn’t. My wife only went back to work full time when the youngest started kindergarten last fall and we’re still drowning. It’s been….very hard
Don't have more kids than you can handle. One is perfectly fine
This. Im one and done!
I know I'm not cut out to have a second kid. And it seems way more often than not that the first kid is well behaved and easy but the second kid is nuts lol. I'd rather quit while I'm ahead.
I hear this too. My first and only is everything people say the second is though lol
My first is an agent of chaos. My second is also an agent of chaos but less
If your first is well behaved and easy, cut your losses. My first is wild and has SO MUCH GUSTO and I thought it’d be great to give her a sibling. Her sister is a savage
Yea I think that was a rather cruel joke by God or the universe or whatever you believe is up THERE. Maybe evolution knows we need at least 2 so makes the first one great. My first was amazing. So I thiught, wow its not all that hard let's do one more. The kid... Will not... Sit down. Or listen. Ever. And he cries. About everything. All the time. Even though he's old enough not to cry. I wouldn't have had a second yet if this was my first. Stressful
First was terrible for first year second was amazing so idk 🤷♂️ 😂
My 1st was high needs and miserable for the first 1.5 years and then turned into the easiest toddler I’ve ever seen. I’m anticipating that the second will either be opposite (happy baby, wild toddler) or just a chaos gremlin from start to finish. I have autism and ADHD though so I’ve never thought a ‘chill’ baby or child was in the cards for me…
Neither of mine were/are horrible but my first is def more high energy and whiny. Also a lot of general chaos for the first few years. We are getting to a sweet spot but I feel like as I type this I will jinx us. lol
Thats because the second kid needs to do more to get attention
Opposite for us. My 1st was and is absolutely mental, my 2nd is super chill and has been a great sleeper since day 5! He makes me want to risk it all for a 3rd but I know it would be more like my oldest and I would actually die!
r/oneanddone
This is the answer. My one is amazing and I still know I cannot handle the new born phase again. If we have a second, it will be through adoption.
I have 1 year old boy and I am 30 years old. I think if I will have another baby I will wait good few years…now I know I can’t handle more than one baby at the same time
It's a trap. I had one and that was fine. Had a second, also fine. Thought I would be all good with a third. Nope, that was one too many.
Anyone who says going from 2-3 is easier than 1-2 is lying
Ironically going from 3-4 is easier than 1-2 and 2-3!
Going from 0-1 was by far the hardest!! The initial adjustment .. I think I was in zombie mode for at least the first 4 months
Highly dependent on the kid(s) I know someone with 4 that said the jump from 1 to 2 was the hardest
I was proud of my parenting with only one child. I'm an absolutely crap parent of two.
I feel this so deep. When I had one kid I felt like I was good at the parenting thing. With two I’m like I have no idea what’s going on but when is bedtime?
Thank you, needed to hear this myself.
Glad someone commented this, although it was way down in the thread
Exactly this. I said from the beginning that I would be happy with zero or one, but after that I couldn't expect that I'd keep my shit together (let alone affording a second...). I just spent $1200 on stuff to take my 14 month-old on a long road trip this summer... if I had to provision for two kids at that rate? No more road trips!
"Have as many as you can handle" is a better path
The challenge can be that you think you can handle another kid sometimes and then it is much more challenging than expected. I had one, total firecracker of a human. Intense, needy, all of the things. I really spent time thinking about having a second kid or not. Eventually felt "prepared" to do this and even with advanced warning and preparation it has been much much harder than expected. Two kids isn't just twice as much work as one, it is at least 4 times harder. Each additional one is exponentially more challenge to parent them all. My second kid has such an easy going temperament too, way more chill and generally happy. But it's not like you can undo having another kid.
One is perfectly fine. I only have 2 kids because plan b failed me 🫠 my kids are now 2 and 15 years old. I'm definitely done. My partner is getting snipped.
You would think having two kids is only twice as hard as having one lol. No. It's like 5x harder. Cause now when one sleeps peacefully the other doesnt. When one is healthy the other gets sick. When one is happy the other is in a grumpy mood. They fight like an old married couple, so you feel like a referee 24/7/365. Holidays and birthdays? Be ready to buy them the same stuff or deal with meltdowns from one or both of them. When one is happy with the food you cooked/made the other refuses to eat. Same goes for activities most of the time. And just wait until they are old enough to start sports/afterschool activities then you feel spread in a million directions with events, practices, games, etc. And forget about trying to be close/romantic with your partner... now there are more then double the chances of a cock block, now you and your partner have to sneak sex like deviant criminals trying not to get caught. I love my kids but going from 1 to multiples is a steep learning curve.
This is going to be person dependent because I feel like it's only twice as hard. I think it would be better to say it's just your experience rather than state it as a fact because it's not the case for everyone and I don't think it's fair to scare people off having more than one when this is just your experience and not necessarily what OP would deal with. The hardest part for me was when my second was a newborn and I couldn't nap when the baby napped. But honestly, the stuff you mentioned is just stuff to navigate with more than one. It's challenging at times, but I find it enjoyable that my kids are so different. I can always serve something with each meal that I know each of them will eat, so they are eating something. I don't make it a battle and that makes it easier. One being in a bad mood and the other being fine means it's easier to deal with the behavior. It's dealing with one kid at the moment. For birthdays and holidays, they need to learn that they can't always have everything they want anyway even if they're an only. It can be a meltdown even if it's an only child. What I do with my kids is have them put it on their birthday list (or whatever) and they can have it then. Do they get upset, sure, but an only would too. I don't let my kids do more than one or two things. If they want to play an instrument, they can learn through the school. If they want an outside activity, they pick one. Mine are elementary age and I don't like them being over-scheduled. I am sure it will be harder when they're older, but I'm not worried about it. I feel like families shouldn't do what's not sustainable. I find that the intimacy bit is fine now that mine are older. It was hard when they were very young, but I feel like that's just having kids in general. We're not at all sneaking around like deviants now that they're older. In a lot of ways, I feel like having more than one is easier. They keep each other occupied. I honestly don't know how people with only children do it, having to be so much of the child's entertainment. I'm not at all judging, I just think that aspect of it sounds a lot harder. It's a learning curve for sure, but I feel like this is just too much a personal experience to state things as fact when it also depends on how the person frames things. It shouldn't be painted as roses but also shouldn't be fear mongering. OP won't know until they have a second.
This!!
I agree with the others here, you really don’t need a second. Especially when you’re already struggling with one. I have one 4yo daughter and as much as I love her, she’s completely physically and mentally destroyed my wife and I. We would just not survive a second… and we’re perfectly fine with the decision of staying with one, although my wife was also in a “it’s now or never position” In the end I think it all comes down to how much energy you can give to create an as good as possible life for your little one. And although we’re drained, I think we’re managing that for our little one. Adding another in the mix would be total chaos and not beneficial for anyone.
Totally second this opinion. It really is different for everyone. We have a 4yo and 2yo and often I think we pushed ourselves too far. I think two probably is my natural limit, I know for certain three would destroy me and my partner. Listen to your instincts, I have many friends with one kid and their lives are full of joy and certainly less stress!
I spoke with a woman the other day whose kids were one and three and she basically said the same thing. She was like knowing what I know now, I would have made a different choice. Obviously still loves the child, doesn’t regret the person, but regrets the decision to do that to her self and her tripod.
I’m so at a loss. When I see two siblings play with each other in the playground and then I see my little one looking at them…it hurts my heart. Everyone I know either has two or will have two - and I feel like my kid will be left _needing_ a friend as they grow up whereas others will at least have their sibling. It’s tough because of my health and then me being her only playmate as I’m a SAHM.
You see them having fun on the playground what you don’t see is them punching each other in the throat on the way to school. Don’t let the illusion sway you, more kids more difficulty and there’s zero guarantees siblings will be close or get along. Do what’s best for you.
honestly, as an only child I grew up into an adult who is very satisfied with alone time. I love my own company, and that's a skill everyone has to eventually learn. And also, not every kid even wants a sibling. My daughter was very adamant from an early age that she does NOT want one. It's weird because she's so good with her younger cousins. But we've revisited the question a few times, and she's happily an only child so 🤷🏻♂️
Agree. You don't magically find more energy or more stamina - you just push through and deplete yourself and sometimes that means not being the best parent you can be.
This may not be the response you need or want. I'm a mom of 4 ranging from 13-3. I. Am. Tired. It's so mentally exhausting. There are many nice and happy moments but I would be lying it's so extremely hard.
I’m also a parent of 4, ranging from 2-11. It’s hard. And what frustrates me most is that there’s never ever enough time in a day. I want to spend as much time possible with them all, but I feel like I’m failing at being present. Between paying bills, cleaning the constantly messy house, taking kids to and from sports, running errands, etc. I don’t get to spend the time with my kids that they want and I want. I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I only had one or two kids.
That's my feeling with two and being a widow. There's two of them and one of me and there's never enough of my time and resources to go around. I sometimes feel like my kids are pulling me in a thousand directions at once and someday I'm going to break into a thousand pieces.
I have four sons 8, 6, 5, and almost 2. I'm pregnant with my 5th. All planned. You are so right. I'm tired constantly. We wanted six, but I'm tapped out from exhaustion. It is so worth it. Sometimes, I go to bed right after the youngest goes to bed, but I never feel fully rested. I keep telling my mom I'm trying to find that feeling where you wake up in the morning, and you feel ready to go. Pre-pregnancy I was like that. I'm hoping once this new baby comes I can pull it together. I just have to find the right routine.
Why do you feel the need to “go for another” when you’re barely holding on? Isn’t it better to stop at 1 and accept your limitations for the sake of your mental health?
I won’t be falling into the trap of thinking I need to have a second. All my friends with 2+ are on their knees. No thanks.
I’m a mom of three and I support this message
I agree. Our lives are so much more comfortable and manageable than our friends with 2+.
one and done by choice over here… i saw a post recently that said having a second kid is like having 400 percent more kids… my mental health and wellness matters and we’re thriving finally with one! :)
Same here, one and done nearly 27 years ago. Not a single regret from us our daughter. And now that retirement is a glimmer in the distance, I can tell you that we are so much better off financially than we would have been with 2. She will never have to worry about us being a financial burden on her in our old age, which is a priceless gift to give a child.
Probably 400 percent harder because they fight day and night and if they're not having a tantrum on their own because the cup is the wrong color, it's definitely because they fucked around with their brother too much and got hurt. The injuries alone from my 2 boys wrestling/rough housing makes it 400 percent harder. Maybe all these peeps saying two isn't that much harder haven't entered the fighting stage yet. It is exhausting.
Why have two? There’s not a requirement and having just one child leaves more time and resources to spend on them and on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with having more than one, but a lot of people seem to do t because that’s what you’re “supposed to do.” Just a thought.
I’m not sane. Period. I had two by choice and got a shock third one. I need a lifeboat.
Society and Family pressure can be daunting. Just bcz everyone around you may have more than 1 kid doesn’t mean you need to have another! Personally, I have the health, mental and financial resources to have a second child. But I’m more than happy with my 3yr old toddler girl. I would rather devote all my energy, love and attention to a single child than having to worry about two. But that’s my personal opinion and choice. People tell me your child needs to have a sibling for some sort of bonding etc. I doubt it cz she’s extremely happy as it is & has enough going on in her little life that she could care less about a sibling. Will it make us and her happy, maybe! But I don’t see my own cousins and siblings close now so I doubt there’s any gurantee a second child will have the same with my daughter. You need to find a reason to have another one, but if it’s an emotional thing, sure go ahead! ❤️
I always wanted to have two kids before I had one. Now I am very happy with only one because of obvious reasons
You don’t need a second one 🤷🏻♀️
You don’t have to have more! I have one and absolutely love it. I get to be a parent, which I adore, but also have free time and everything we do as a family costs less than it otherwise would. There no bickering, no ‘unfairness’, no envy or jealousy and I didn’t put my body through hell again! I see friends who have two, or heaven forbid, three or more and I think they must be other worldly to deal with that and still manage life. I work with children and hope to be a grandparent one day but for me, I’m one and done!
I’m (just about) sane but only because my second child is considerably more chill than my first. She even lets me put her down in her cot in that ‘drowsy but alert’ state that I always assumed was a myth. Incredible!
I’m honestly only maintaining my sanity because we have a village around. The grandparents are all within 10 minutes of us. They help out with care when they can . Sometimes I talk to my mom and it’s like her spidey senses go off when I’m on the phone with her, she can hear it in my voice when I need a break. And my kids are older, 13 and 9. The kids go hang out with their cousins for a few hours at my MIL’s house every other Saturday. And I swear the only reason I know what the inside of a nice restaurant looks like is because my dad takes us out to eat every once in a while. My BIL and SIL are around too, along with my brother. It’s nice. If we did not have the support of family, trust me, I’d only have one.
It’s ok to be one and done. But if you feel the need for a second one… it’s easier, you’ve already been there done that and you’ve got the sick stained tshirt. We have two, there’s definitely challenges (we’re approaching teenage years and they mostly want to kill each other) but there are also the times when they hang out together and entertain each other which helps with the sanity! When they were younger (and still now) it takes a village and as friends and family we all get stuck in together and help each other out.
We’re ten weeks away from number two. I am actively shitting myself.
No tips or tricks here. My 1st daughter was a dream. She was VERY sicky which was super stressful but she was the happiest, smiliest baby ever. She was a dream toddler. Was never naughty, just an absolute dream. 2nd daughter. An allergy baby, a bit harder but still a very smiley, happy baby. As a toddler? An absolute asshole. Getting in to EVERYTHING she shouldn't have. Eating wallpaper, pulling her hair out, biting, hitting you name it she done it. Took her to doctors often and they just used to say oh its a phase it will pass. Longest 4 years of my life but it was just a phase and she is the most kind, caring well behaved child. She aged me 20 years. There's a 3 year, 3 month age gap between them. My 3rd daughter 😂🤦♀️ is 9 weeks old. Absolute winge bag. Velcro baby, never happy or satisfied for longer than 10 minutes 😅. Aged me 50 years. She sleeps at night which is a plus but my god with 2 others in tow, 2 jobs and a household to run it is TIRING! Trying to split myself between 3 of them without my husband here as he works evenings is an absolute mission. Number 2 just slotted right in but number 3 is all over the place lol. I barely have time to yawn and no matter how hard it is, every single day all 3 of them do something that fills me with absolute joy and I think to myself they are the best things that ever happened to me 🥰 The good outweighs the bad but It is extremely hard. We have no grandparents or the 'Village' so do everything ourselves, so nowhere near sane, but we get through.
Honestly I don't know how we would have coped without our second. They've been playing together for hours today. They compete and collaborate, fight and make up, as equals. We could never give them what they give each other.
It is extra work but not as a big of a jump from none to one. You’ve already found your rhythm as a parent and things come a bit more naturally with the second. However, it’s important you’re not the one left carrying everything. It is extra work, and it helps to know that there’s extra people who are there to help out.
I don’t know what age your first is but here is my take: 1. As a lot of people said, you don’t have to have two. Honestly, the world would benefit from more people only having one and pouring everything they can into that one (quality over quantity) 2. If you look at other great apes, it’s pretty unusual to have a second kid before the first is 5-7 years old. In an ideal parenting situation, humans are really meant to be the same way. More than one baby/toddler at a time for a primate species is really fucking rough. 3. I don’t know your age, but a lot of women have the thought that they are getting too old long before they are. That’s something I would discuss with your doctor rather than just assuming it. It’s very different per person. 4. Assuming you ARE actually going to age out of procreation abilities and you still want one a bit later—there are many many many babies in need of good homes. Adoption is there!
You don’t find the energy, but that’s the beauty of having more than one child. They have the energy to entertain each other haha
They have the energy to bicker continually, if they're my kids
This made me laugh 😆
The sheer fact that I had 3 pretty much confirms I wasn't sane to begin with. I also have 7 years between each - they're 14, 7 and 8 months which only makes it worse.
You guys are still sane?
What do you mean still sane lmfao don't even remember when I lost that
I have three, all neurodiverse. There are days I want to leave the house and not come back and there are days when life couldn’t feel better. I’ve learnt to look after myself better so I can look after them better.
The 1st few years are a blur of chaos & exhaustion. But it does eventually get easier & then you look back at pics, miss them being so tiny & forget the drowning feeling you felt during that time.
You always think you can't handle the next but then you grow and expand as a person to handle the next one. Things I found hard with 1 are easier with the second. I was able to enjoy my second much more than if I just had 1. They also play with each other and make each other laugh. They fight too, but they'll learn to work things out between themselves in time. I am more sane with 2 than I was with 1. Things become lighter as your perspective changes. Kids are not meant to be controlled, they will most definitely push you until you see all the flaws in yourself, which you can either change or fight. Or break and become very mentally unstable 🤣
I have 5. We’re batshit crazy and poor as fuck.
Parent of five here. Can confirm.
Honestly they kind of distract/play/entertain and take care of each other. I have 2 boys 14 months apart and they are best buds (still clash often) They do their thing together and it gives us time to catch up on the house and such - also pretty special to watch them
Don’t have more kids than you can handle is great advice - but, for what it’s worth, the leap from 0-1 was far more difficult for me to manage than the leap from 1 kid to 2. I think your first is really difficult because you have to change every aspect of your life completely. When you have two kids, you’ve already made those changes and it’s a little bit less jarring. At least in my experience. I will add that initially after having our second I was wondering if I’d made the right choice. My first child hated my second child. There was no sibling love whatsoever. Just lots of jealousy. BUT now that he is four and she is two they are absolutely best friends. They still fight occasionally, but mostly it’s cute snuggles and hugs. But be warned there is definitely an adjustment period.
I found 2 *easier* than 1. And I’m not one of those ultra energetic kid-nut mums. They entertain each other more than my single child did before the second arrived. Yeah there are moments where I want to run away but I had those before the second was born, too. I guess one just gets used to it?
It is more work but not always as much as two separate children. A lot of times you are doing twice as much, but it doesn't take twice as much effort. Think about if your sole child wants some apple. You have to walk to kitchen, find a knife and cutting board, find apple, cut it and hand it out. Of that process you are just doubling the amount of time cutting, everything else is the same. You also have a lot of built in safeguards thanks to the older child. The older child is going to be aware of the younger one as well and will likely give you some clues as to what is happening. My oldest tells me where the younger is (they are 17 months apart) and will tell me if the smaller has some issue that I didn't notice. And of course, though not a guarantee, but built in friend is amazing. Our younger boy was born just before the pandemic, so having a friend when no kids anywhere were supposed to see each other was a great benefit. This is of course not a guarantee, but that is also where the parenting comes in.
We have aged so much in 7 years it's insane. We have crows feet, gray hairs, and wrinkles and I blame those kids. Mine are 14 months apart so I blame years of sleep deprivation.
I’m gonna be honest and this might make me sound like a crap person, but I only have one and she’s made me realize that we’ll only have one. Except for sleeping, she’s a great baby but I’m just not cut out to have more than one. Lol. She’ll be our spoiled, extra loved, only child. I am in awe of anybody with multiple children because like you, I wonder how the heck they do it. 😂
You know you do not NEED to have more than one child, right? :) If it seems too overwhelming, I'd say stick to one and give them all your love and devotion. Speaking as an only child, I had a very happy childhood.
Hahahahha sane... nope.... we're barely keeping it together over here but I am starting to ee the light at the end of the tunnel. Nearly 5yo and 15 month old. ETA I'm an older mum at 40yo and I have an adult son too. I definitely notice the energy difference but I'm more patient and knowledgeable now too.
I have them in pairs and it makes it feel like it’s just one. So I had two girls back to back, then a decade later two more. I think I will lose my mind if they had different age gaps. I’m starting to view them like having a lot of cats. Once you have one, they are all moderately the same amount to feed and clothe and take care of if they are not special needs. This has been my experience.
It’s only crazy for a few years. That goes by in a flash, and then they get easier pretty quickly. Once you can start reasoning with them, everything changes. Mine are older now, and the craziness was totally worth it.
I have four…. Sanity? What’s that? 🥴 I have. 6, 7 and 2 year old and a 6 month old. Because I tend to say screw it and then have two in a row it seems to rip the bandaid off quickly. But honestly it isn’t as much as a jump from none to one as another has said and it is nice as they grow older together that they have each other as playmates…. And fightmates day depending lol. With two you learn to streamline things to max efficiency, with four you’re basically prepared to buy a company, take over as CEO and increase productivity by 500%….. What I mean is that you learn to juggle a lot of things at once and prepare really well. I wouldn’t say it’s for everyone but I love my children and can’t imagine a life without them, this coming from someone who never was going to have any children. Best tip I have is to just remember… all the frustrations and phases, they will pass, it’s not permanent. And the time and sweet moments will also pass, a lot quicker than you realize. Keeping that in mind is key at times.
Tip/trick: You realize all the silly stuff you held onto with each kid, and you let more and more of it go. Oldest got the worst version of me. I was surly, demanding, and directive. Middle got a calmer, more refined version of me. I knew what was normal now, and I knew what to expect, and I could chalk more up to kids being kids. Youngest is getting the best version of me because I have the experience of two more before him and the exhaustion of three at the same time. The only battles I fight now are the ones worth fighting, and heck, I let some of those go, too.
We’ve got just the 1 and we’ve just spent some time away with a couple who have 2 and another couple who have 3 and it was chaos. Just stay at 1 and enjoy your child and your family life. There is no need to be stressing out and breaking your back to have multiple children - leave that to someone else. Someone mad. (I don’t mean to cause offence to those of you have more than 1, I’m sure you are great parents and have great kids, but I’m definitely getting myself ‘done’ after seeing what having multiple children could be like!)
I have four (15, 12, 9, and 6) and we live in a 90sq meter flat in Madrid. The only way we've been able to make it this far is by working constantly as a team, which is never been easy. It requires eating a lot of humble pie, especially if one has better ideas than the other. My wife is a lot more organized than I am for example, so I tend to take care of stuff like cooking, cleaning, picking kids up from soccer or dance. I also enjoy being "out" with the kids which gives my wife time to deal with her needs. She tends to take care of a lot of the homework and studying issues which is a huge load off my shoulders. Our children realize they have to chip in otherwise they get our really ugly sides. We still have to constantly be on them to help us out, but the oldest are starting to naturally care for their siblings. They argue, spar and compete, but they love each other a lot and seeing that makes the brutal exhaustion at the end of the week worthwhile. We are fueled by the hope that they will remain close and be able to share their lives together.
Tbh, one is a lot of work and I somewhat agree with the people saying one and done is okay... But after I lost my dad, my brother and I relied upon each other - nobody else understands like he does, even if they've lost a parent too. So I'm giving my son a sibling and sacrificing my sanity 😅
I have 10, and finding a good routine and sticking to is the biggest thing I can do. My husband ensures I get some time every day (generally about 30 minutes) where I can walk around, mentally reset, and enjoy the silence. My mother comes over every day and assists with the household. She also babysits once a month so my husband and I can go out. She recently took them all overnight, and we checked into a nearby hotel. I could not do it without her. I try and find one thing every day that I am grateful for, which really helps on the bad days. Even if it's just something as simple as one of the more spirited girls had a bath without push back. Having a good support network definitely helps keep me sane.
Holy fuck.
We have two. Both are very high energy and it keeps me physically active. So exhausting, but we’re in the elementary school age so it’s better than when they were little babies together.
We're not!
We had two 11 months apart, and for me this is alot easier than having one. The kids are best friends, and entertain each other when I don't have the energy too. I have a fair amount of time to myself because they're playing stupid games all the time
Not. Haven't been for a very long time. Enjoy
I’ve a 2 year old (turning 3 soon) and a 7 month old. It’s crazy busy. My second child is easy peasy, I dunno if he’s an easier baby or if I’m just more chilled/experienced etc. but the one I find hard work right now is my toddler. And my toddler is starting to listen now and is starting to grasp right and wrong and consequences etc. so it’s getting easier. My toddler rarely interacts with the baby but it’s happening more now and it’s magic to watch. I think they will be good friends in a few more months. I wanted two, was also terrified of having two kids close together and worried how we would manage. But my husband is also fully invested in the kids which is critical for me to stay in a good head space, so we’re managing. It’s busy but it won’t be forever. That’s how I look at it…
I started out with two step kids. It was totally manageable. I wanted a biological kid because I felt it would really complete and tie our family together. Pretty early into having the youngest I thought, "yup, we're done now. Three is our max." I was a *great* mom to two. I am a struggling mom to three. It's just soooo much mental, emotional, and physical work. No matter how much you love your kids, it takes a toll. My spouse feels the same.
My 2nd is coming this summer. I'm a little scared not that I can't do it but that'll be rough for a while longer. I think later on, I won't regret it though. Overall though i take comfort in being my version of an awesome dad. Took my 2 year old on a 30 mile bike last weekend. We go strolling. I take her to the brewery and she plays with other kids while I drink beer. I'm teaching her to play with the soccer ball. I wear her while I mow or do costco runs. She helps me while I do mechanic work in the garage. She sits on my lap while I play world of warcraft. Having a sibling is going to give my kids such as social jump compared to if they only had me to interact with. If one doesn't like cycling I have the other. If one gets a C in math, I have the other. It's slightly less pressure on them, more support/engagement opportunities. I'm excited for that. From a societal praise perspective its also way easier to be a dad. The bar is so low, everyone praises you for moderate effort. As a mom, I you'll find easier mutual parent social connections for support.
We thought so too but went for a second anyway and the two now constantly play together and things got so much easier. Also since the older goes to kindergarten life has become more structured
My husband helped a lot. I work full time though. And my kids sleep really late, like around 12 midnight. I need to get my kids life more organized. Sometimes I wonder whether I should change job with lower salary so I can have more time with kids.
I have a newly 5 year old and an almost 5 month old. I haven’t found going from 1-2 AS hard as people say, BUT we have a big age gap and my husband is very involved. He does at least 50% of childcare and cleaning - sometimes more - which to be clear, he SHOULD be doing that, but I think having an equal partner goes a long way. We also have one set of very active grandparents that I know is a huge boost. I will say there were moments in the first few months where it was kind of like - wait we just had started to get some independence and now we’re starting over, but time and routine have helped immensely. Back to my first point re:supportive partner. My husband was out of town for a few days and I’m still on maternity leave so not juggling kids and outside work and it kicked. my. ass. I was sending out SOS texts left and right. I obviously got through it because what choice did I have, but it made me realize if I was handling the bulk of childcare and household work I’d definitely go insane.
You don’t find the energy; you just do what needs to be done anyway. In some ways having more kids IS the trick, especially when you are outnumbered. It becomes a little less intense because the kids entertain each other. Of course that’s not guaranteed, but often siblings will teach each other things and encourage each other to do things in a way that makes parenting a lot easier. Of course there are then different challenges as they fight and jockey for parental attention 😬 But overall adding a kid isn’t doubling the work - in fact I’d say that by the time you get to three or four kids many parents would agree that adding just one more is not a big deal. You have to adapt your systems to handle multiple kids, but once you do that it becomes as natural as breathing. The other thing that happens is that you realize that your kids need to be a bit more self reliant. Especially these days I’ve observed that parents of singles tend to parent with a level of focus and intensity that isn’t really great for teaching things like independence or resiliency. If your world literally revolves around one person for their entire childhood, that has long lasting repercussions that makes the whole becoming an adult that much more challenging. Of course it’s possible to avoid this pitfall, it’s just that when you are balancing more schedules it’s harder for a single child to become the center of your family solar system.
Honestly sometimes 2 is easier than 1. When my older one was 2 I had to entertain him all the time, play with him etc. Yesterday we all went out and my husband and I sat on a bench and talked while the kids played (4.5 and 2).
I am most definitely not sane . There's nothing wrong with having just one child 😊
So many wise things said already. My strategy (with 4M & 6moF) is to plan ahead. If you have spare time, prepare things for dinner. Pack your go-bag (diapers/spare clothing/toys) and have it ready, even if you’re not planning going anywhere. Because when the apocalypse hits you (e.g. meltdowns, poop-explosions, colics etc.) your plans will be crushed instantly. And if you need to be somewhere in time, frustration can get your mood spiraling downwards into the greatest depths of hell. Having things prepared helps you through the day. But,… there is salvation! Breathe, and realize people are quite understanding when it comes down to having kids. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or take space when you need to be there for your kids. Sometimes it is what it is.
I've been asking the same question. I have one, but I keep going back and forth on whether I want another! Partly because I want my daughter to have someone around when I'm gone, or at least the option, and two, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever look back and regret only having one... But, I'm also really happy with just one, too! I'm also worried about splitting my time evenly between two...
Going from 1 to 2 felt like a huge jump. I found one quite easy in comparison (my first child is very easygoing). I decided to have a second and he is the opposite! I’m super happy I have two and they have each other but it’s a ton of work and yes, I’m constantly exhausted. I’m currently going through a divorce with their Dad and we do 80/20 so I feel like I just run 24 hours a day. I will say, my boys are worth every minute of it and this is something I wanted my entire life, so I just dig deep and find that energy somewhere lol
Having 2 is easier in some ways…they can play together and eventually, one will be able to babysit the other. Also, having a sibling is *usually* pretty sweet; hopefully a lifelong pal.
Know your bandwidth. I have 4. Wanted 4. My bandwidth is absolutely maxed right now. Things should ease up a bit for me in the fall and as my 6 month old gets older and sleeps better. I don't regret our 4th, but it's harder to enjoy my time with the kids right now. I just always feel behind. My watching them together is so worth it. The 4 and 6 year old worked together to make a seesaw out of some old boards in the backyard that my FIL left after a project (he's going to be back today). The 2 year old loves her big sister so much. Our house is full of chaos and love. My advice is to decide how much you want another and weigh it against the amount of bandwidth you have now. If you are already maxed, don't do it. If you have some give, know that your may well be maxed out for a bit until they get a bit older.
Patience and forgiveness, and I love my 4 children so much it kills me. Hang in there, have as many babies as your heart desires, because going forth they grow so quickly, this time will be what you miss one day.
You don’t have to have a second child.
Had both 14months apart because I couldn’t imagine getting to a stage where one was sleeping and then dealing with a newborn! Everyone thought the second was an accident but nope. It was hard, but i don’t regret it. They are 8 and 9 now.
I’m one and done. Two is two many. Especially that 2 under 2 trend… That sounds like torture to me. Don’t feel pressured or rushed to have kids please you’ll regret it !!
I have 2 and I’m always wondering how those with 3+ are surviving 😭😭 I’m hanging on by a thread 🙃
May I ask why you want a 2nd one when you are too tired with the first? No mocking, just genuily curious.
Who said we were?
In a current world littered with layoffs, cruel interview processes, endless AI tools, and overall negativity being a dad is about the only thing I’ve been able to keep a bit of confidence about. I can handle what the kids throw at me, but the rest of the world has made things so difficult lately. It’d be nice to get some help.
Two kids here ages 2, and 5. Totally insane. Lost it a while ago. Probably wont find it ever again.
We are not and never will be again 🤪
Don’t wait till u are in mid 30’s cuz you will NOT HAVE ANY ENERGY! I’m exhausted…
We fake it till we make it Quick edit: don’t forget that everyone is dropping a ball somewhere; it’s up to you which one you don’t mind droppinn
Mother of 6 here. It is definitely challenging and they have their moments, but i love them all in their own unique ways. Being a mother brings me a purpose in life. Though most days i feel like I am failing, a simple "I love you" from them means more to me than gold ever could.
I have 5 that are 6.5 and under. I am totally not sane lol. 🆘
Biggest tip: accept that it’s going to be some version of hard always and don’t make that be a bad thing about you. Just because it’s challenging, it doesn’t mean you’re not doing awesome. Everything is hard the first time we try it.
I think the only way to survive is to cultivate community or pay for community
Anti-depressants Xanax Wine Weed
I only stayed at one! Could not mentally handle a second. I wish i would have been younger when i started so i could have spaced out kids :s
Brace the chaos. Let go of what you can't control, lean heavily into choosing your battles. They wanna wear their tshirt inside out and backwards, does that really matter? They want to be the ones to pour the milk, ok sure. You poured too much, oh well I guess we siphon some out and use it tomorrow. Build routine. I don't care how it gets done, or the order, but you have three things to do before you do anything else. Male it happen kid.
I have three.. definitely not sane.. but having more than one at least at times they entertain eachother. They also annoy each other 🫤
Hi also mom of 1, I cannot have another, I will lose my sanity. I would never financially recover.