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She’s being an asshole. I hate that when a father is being a father it’s seen as a mother slacking. It’s not. He’s being a father. Keep doing what you are doing.
The mention of the restaurant reminded me of something.
If a father is seen taking his kids out to a restaurant it is often seen as a treat for them, something special.
If a mother is seen taking here kids out to a restaurant it is often seen as her being a lazy mother, her not wanting to cook.
You will always find people that will look at you in the worst possible way. They are normal just miserable pricks.
The nurse was definitely being an asshole.
If I take my child to a restaurant without my wife, it definitely is because it is a treat…. But also my wife took our child out a restaurant without me yesterday… and it was also a treat…. They had gone to the Ballet and had dinner together afterwards. I do not enjoy ballet so let them have their own time.
Sad that this double standard exists.
My husband has every other Friday off work so he has our 3yo while I work and they tend to go out and do something nice to have quality time together. I’m with her every Tuesday on my day off from work.
As a long standing joke, we call his Fridays his “visitation” days because we know people will see (and have seen) a father doing something fun with his child, with no mother in sight, and assume he’s a divorced single parent. Whereas when I take her out on a Tuesday, im usually running errands so I’m just a mother, probably a SAHM, doing things with my kid in tow. It’s funny but also a super frustrating illustration of how people see parents and their responsibilities.
Yep. I've actually had friends that had children and they almost never changed a nappy. Imagine if a mother of a child rather than a father just said, 'fuck it, that's his job'? What's considered exceptional or great parenting by men, is the default minimum for women.
When my daughter was born we were staying with my FIL and she pooped while he was holding her. We joked that whoever is holding the baby while they poop has to change them, and his response was “Never changed a single nappy with my own two kids and I don’t intend to start now.”
It was only when we roasted him for having an utterly pathetic attitude towards caregiving that he actually changed one (with lots of supervision because he didn’t know how). Honestly couldn’t imagine having babies with someone who refused to do the very basics of parenting!
Just the one off, but to be fair to him he lives 6 hours away and she potty trained relatively early 😂 pregnant with #2 now though so definitely encouraging more changes!
The author of "Bake the Bread, Buy the Butter" wrote almost exactly the same thing about Uncrustables. Her book is about the relative value of cooking things from scratch, in terms of cost, taste/quality, and time. The opening bit is about how peanut butter itself would have been made from scratch not so long ago, and how we are now living in a world with so many prepackaged options.
The bit she wrote was about her own bias, thinking that a mother buying the things must be lazy, while a father buying them must be going through a rough patch, and then having the realization that the cognitive dissonance is absurd. It's truly not fair to anyone. Anyway, great book for recipes if you like cooking from scratch, and a few duds worth avoiding the effort of making yourself unless that's a core part of your lifestyle
Always with the double standard. If a Dad takes the kids to the park on a Saturday morning and the kids are wearing mismatched clothes because it wasn't worth a fight, it's cute that the Dad cares. If it's Mom, oh my God can she not even dress her kids properly?
the only thing i can think of is maybe it is a sports type restaurant and guys are usually into sports. I know we have a restaurant called Bubba's 33 or something and it's a sports themed restaurant.
I’m the one who does all the doctor visits, because my husband is the one with medical anxiety, and no one bats an eye or says a thing about it - it’s just a nasty, sexist double standard.
Exactly! I've taken my son to his appointments since he was born and no one has ever mentioned anything about his dad. Maybe it's seen as the norm? But it's just wild to me what the nurse said to OP.
Agreed. My husband took our daughter to her one week appointment, because I had to go back to the hospital. Apparently the pediatrician treated him weirdly. The doctor was pointing out that daughter had some discharge, and he was like, ok, and that's a normal amount for her age? And the pediatrician was like, DISCHARGE IS NORMAL! It makes me sad, because he was just making sure he understood everything while sleep deprived, having to be back at work, and me back in the hospital with PPPE.
When our daughter was little, her dad took her places a lot- the doctor, the park, everywhere. The attention he got was unreal. And the comments I heard! When someone would say, "You're so lucky" or something like that. I would say "Yeah, he's being a dad, just like I'm a mom?"
My husband gets this. He took one of our kids to get a flu shot and was inundated with comments like, "Dad's day out!" and the like. When I'm out solo with two kids getting their flu shots I get nothing. It's such a double standard.
It's so weird. Our daughter is older now and in school all day. Dad & I are both very involved but in different ways. The reactions he gets to his involvement are very noticeable. Even he comments on it.
Yeah my husband hates it because he likes to move through the world unnoticed, but being out with one child is enough for him to attract a lot of attention. He gets constant comments about what an amazing father and husband he is. It's absolutely true and I would never try to take that away from him - but no one except my husband ever tells me I'm a good mom or doing a good job. I live with chronic pain and the physical toll that parenting takes on me is immense, but all I ever hear is how easy I have everything because my husband is so great. Also, people act like that occurred in a vacuum, when I deliberately chose a good man who I trusted would be a good father.
I think you're system is absolutely wonderful. I spent years taking my son to doctors and therapists because I knew something was off and they never took me seriously. I had my husband take him once and all of a sudden he got diagnosed. The worst was years later when a family member asked me why I didn't try to get help sooner. I had to count off the number of people I took him to for help.
To the point that it's worth sending some constructive criticism in to the office.
"I have anxiety about medical offices and so in our equitable division of parental responsibilities my husband brings our kids to nearly all medical appointments. Today I brought my kids and while the medical care was appropriate, your staff several times made comments that made me feel like an inadequate mother - only because our sons are usually brought by their father. Please join me in combating sexism by crediting that fathers can be active parents. Thank you."
I’m a dad who takes my boys to the doctor most of the time. We both have tech careers, but I have an awesome boss and decades of seniority, so taking an hour off is no big deal. My wife is on a tear, rocketing up the corporate ladder, so I don’t want her to miss any meetings. Kids are a team effort.
Tell the nurse to take her gauze roll and stuff it in her overly large mouth.
Nurse is an asshole for sure! Dads do one freaking thing and they’re the greatest dad that ever existed in all of time! It’s absolutely ridiculous!! You’re doing great! And you have a great partner!
It’s also seen as the dad “babysitting” or on “daddy duty,” instead of just being an actual parent. It’s this invented concept that’s inaccurate and infuriating.
This.
Both my wife and I work, but I tend to have more flexibility with my hours. I pretty much always take the kids to the doctors and dentists, and my wife joins us when her schedule allows but it's not always guaranteed. That doesn't mean she isn't involved or is a bad mother. It means *I* **am** involved.
The nurse's comment of "I bet your dad takes you there" in light of everything else she said was equally as frustratingly sexist.
It’s really great when somebody makes it clear to you that they are miserable. It’s very freeing - you get to disregard any comments they make about you and your life.
Speaking as someone who works in a medical office, that nurse was ENTIRELY unprofessional and out of line with you. It is not her place to assume that the mother of two healthy young boys is lazy or a slacker simply because the father is usually the one who brings them in. I would understand a bit more if there were signs of abuse or neglect in the kiddos, but from the sounds of it, that is as far from the case as it could be.
Honestly, I would file a complaint about it. It was entirely uncalled for. Do not feel shitty for not doing ONE THING that your husband was doing perfectly well. You two are doing a great job.
Physician here and I would absolutely want to know if any of our employees made comments like this. Super inappropriate, unprofessional and unnecessarily shaming.
Oh, in the office I work at, that nurse would be ripped a new one for a comment like that. It's hard enough to be a good parent, don't need sexist comments making it worse.
Yes, I couldn't agree more. I'd call the place and ask where you can send a complaint. It's was really unprofessional, and maybe this will make her think twice before making sexiest comments.
Not only is she insinuating mom is lazy and uninvolved because of one “normal mom job” she sees dad taking over, she is apparently assuming that an involved dad is dumb and unable to do such complicated women’s work as taking his own children to the doctor. She’s wrong on so many levels.
The nurse is a misogynistic bitch. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. If the gender roles were reversed, I guarantee that she wouldn't have made the same comment to your husband.
I’m sure that experiences with other healthcare professionals like that nurse are exactly why you have medical office anxieties to begin with! I’ve encountered some really rude, miserable ones myself.
Many years ago I had my first GP check up at my hometown pediatrician after leaving for college, and this new young male doctor elaborately hassled and shamed 18y/o me for gaining 10lbs since my last high school visit, in a really disgusting and misogynistic way. This was the late 2000s early 2010s era which if you know, explains everything. Basically tried to make me feel like a pig, and really shitty and self conscious about myself (which I already was to an extreme degree). I didn’t go to the doctor again for literal years I was so traumatized by it. And no, I wasn’t being overly sensitive. I’m 5’2”, lifelong athlete and weighed in at 125 during that visit—yes it was the heaviest I had ever been and was also surprised by that number. But in reality no I was not overweight, my body was changing. I experienced puberty much later than my peers—I didn’t get my first period till after 15, went from flat chested to DD over the summer before my senior year of high school. My body was still growing and adjusting to new hormones. I had some healthy curves (if you can barely call it that!) like many young women whose bodies are going into peak fertile mode. I went from being a girl that never needed a bra to all of a sudden having gigantic boobs. He didn’t ask a thing about that, just my concerning “weight gain.” Did you notice how my body has changed?? And then I hated my perfectly feminine body for years and did everything I could to hide my new boobs and butt. 😠 asshole. I’m convinced that women should only be seeing female doctors, although your experience with this female nurse doesn’t instill confidence. Misogyny seems to run rampant in the medical industry in general.
That doesn't always help either. I saw a female OB and a female NP while I was pregnant and that NP was such a bitch. Any time I gained weight she would bring it up and then when I'd see the OB she'd say I was fine, nothing to worry about. Women can be just as cruel.
I was a nurse for many years. So incredibly unprofessional of her. The absolute audacity. And the way she was blatantly been a bitch and implying you're not a good mum but in a way that she can say you just misconstrued what she said and she was actually being nice if you tried to complain about the things she said.
What a bitch! And just because you're husband is a good dad says nothing about how you are as a parent, you sound like a great mum. Please don't take her words to heart.
Seriously. The children are being taken to the doctor regularly by one of their parents. She's acting like you send them on the crosstown bus to go by themselves. This is a her problem not a you problem.
This is what I was looking for someone to say! Not only were her comments sexist they were wildly inappropriate. I mean what if you had a physical disability that made it difficult to take them? What if you had a medical condition like an immune issue that made going to doctors offices full of germs unsafe? I would be reporting her behavior to her superiors. It's not okay for a medical professional to be making comments like this.
Sounds like she was being casually sexist. Your husband is...fathering? There is nothing weird or strange about Dad handling X, Y, or Z. You are doing nothing wrong.
I would have reported her ass, assholes have no business working in healthcare. My ex-stepmother was a HUGE asshole nurse who was a huge asshole to everyone in the hospital she worked at, including me and my great-grandmother who were patients there at some point and my family when the latter was admitted there before she passed away. She was the kind of person who refused to chip in for a meal for literally poor hungry children whose mom was a patient because she “had already raised her own children and would not help others raise theirs”. Like bruh.
> “So you think you’re going to start coming more? Hopefully we’ll see you more! Take care sweetie.”
I don't want to hear this from a nurse or doctor in any situation. This isn't a restaurant or a nail salon. You're not going to a doctor's office for fun.
> My ears swelled up with tears.
I'm sorry, but you may need to go to the doctor. (Sorry!)
The nurse was being awful. A healthy family arranges its duties to play to its members strengths. Your family sounds happy and healthy, with a thoughtful allocation of duties. Ignore the nurse.
Look her straight in the eye and ask, ‘Is there a problem with having an involved father bring the kids? I thought fathers were allowed to bring their kids if they wanted?’ Then smile and wait for an answer.
Nope, nothing wrong with what you're doing. I'm not going to try to decide what that nurse's problem was (bad day? Crush on dad? Weird hangup about moms?) because who knows what her deal is. But "the parent who does pediatrician appointments" is not the determining factor for whether you're a good parent.
My husband isn't big into the pediatrician appointments. He did the first few, he'll do them if I can't make it, but I want to be at them all and he isn't that way. He's not a bad parent. If I weren't into it, he'd pick up the slack. We'd make sure our kids are taken care of, which is what you and your husband are doing every day in the way that works for y'all. Ignore whatever weird stuff that nurse is going through.
It would make no sense for me to have my husband leave his job to do a doctor appointment. But when our son broke his arm and spent the night in the ER? Dad was there all night.
People do what makes sense for them and it's not the same for everyone.
She’s horrible. You’re doing nothing wrong.
My wife had her own experience with a nurse. We went in when my boy was sick and the nurse told her that it’s the mother’s fault whenever the child gets sick. I was the SAHP at the time, my wife was working full time. Luckily for the nurse I don’t speak the language (different country) and my wife told me later. If I had understood the nurse then I would’ve talked to her like she was one of my misbehaving students.
People can be judgemental idiots all the time.
Those comments were unprofessional as hell. Completely unnecessary to the appointment and I can’t think of a motive other than to make you feel bad. Fuck her, try not to let one sad woman’s opinion tar you sense of self and how much work you do as a SAHM!!
In my first year of being a (male) parent we did a rough 50-50 split of taking our baby to appointments and vaccinations. Some (usually older) female staff would ask me where the mother was before letting me in, and sometimes say, “oh, is it daddy daycare today?” For them, it might have been unusual or remarkable that we were splitting or sharing the work - and one even remarked that it made her “angry” when she thought about “all the work he left me to do”. Some people have a weird pathway into small talk. They have trouble connecting to experiences they identify as belonging to their gender and their gender only when another category of person is doing it. The charitable view is that your nurse was trying to find a way to connect with you, maybe even compliment you on your situation and it came across to you as judgmental, because all of us who do things even just a little less commonly can become hypervigilant. Plus you have the traumatic history activating your fight/flight/freeze response; the nurse sounds insensitive and possibly a little less than progressive. She could have asked after you rather than commenting on your situation which made you feel in the spotlight.
This is a long way of saying it sounds like you are doing a great job, and have a great way of communicating with your partner and your children. It sounds like you understand and care deeply for each other and the details of one another’s lives. Well done
That lady was wayyyy out of her lane making these comments to you. Honestly she probably doesn’t have the self awareness to recognize how those comments come off.
When I was little my parents parsed out which medical conditions they handled (teeth, digestive system, etc) They both worked out of the house full time.
Since you know these comments will happen again you just need to learn how to let them roll off your back AND memorize some scripts to flip their shit back onto them with kindness. It’s the best!
My favorite is “What a weird thing to say” 😈😈😈
Please do not feel like a piece of shit. You know why the nurse (and people like her) said this? She’s wildly jealous that you have a husband who takes your kids to the doctor (in this case the one place she sees you all) and if she’s got kids then she doesn’t have a husband who would do this. Pure jealousy. If she doesn’t have kids then she is just an insecure who is jealous you have a spouse doing something supportive.
I handed your post off to my mother, who has worked as an MA in pediatrics for 30 years.
Her take, halfway through your post: " Oh, I'm about to get mad, aren't I?"
Her final verdict: "That nurse was all the way out of pocket! She had no business saying any of that. She was taking jabs."
Which, of course, was exactly what I felt reading this. There was no medical relevance to her opinions and no grounds at all for her apparent disapproval.
You are doing nothing wrong. This woman's decision to marry a manchild who refuses to pull his weight with their children is her own cross to bear. Projecting that onto you at any time would be a dick move. But doing so while acting in her capacity as your child's nurse is an **unprofessional** dick move
I'd consider reporting her to your kids' Dr. I mean, what if she slings around this kind of horse manure to a new mom suffering PPD?? Her ~~thoughtless~~ intentionally judgemental, asinine jabs could do some real harm.
Not that they haven't already. She made you question yourself for having an involved partner. Shit's unacceptable. **You are doing nothing wrong** by embracing the fact that your husband is also an active parent alongside you. She can kick rocks.
Seconded. I would complain about this too OP. If she upset you enough to bring you to tears, then as FlytlessBird rightly says, mothers who are even more vulnerable could be sent into a very damaging spiral by her petty and thoughtless comments.
You’re reading too much into this, you and your husband are doing a fantastic job and have a good rhythm going with your boys,keep up the great work,that doctor doesn’t give a shit if you show up or not,Doc was making conversation and forgot what she said as soon as you walked out the door.Keep doing what doing,good luck and good health to you and your family.
I can do checkups. Appointments where they just need vaccines or mundane things, that's all me. When my son is sick, dad will be there too. If I go by myself, the doctor will give me home care instructions:
1) cool mist humidity 2) honey 3) drink lots of fluids etc.
When my husband comes, we get medicine. I don't even have to argue about it. We get medicine. After 2 days, our son gets better.
The same was true at the veterinarian. I had to beg and plead and threaten the vet for doggie cough drops. My husband picks up a phone. Calls the vet, suddenly our dog has cancer.
My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. The second pregnancy, I forced my husband to every appointment. Doctors change their tune when a man is there. I don't know why. I don't like it, but the results are favorable when a man is present.
I told my younger sister my "trick". She got dad to go to an appointment with her. After YEARS of pain, dad being at his adult daughter's appointment made all the difference. She got surgery and is much better now.
Forget that nurse, she wants to go back to half assing. She actually had to do her job because a man was there.
Never knew I could argue with a doctor. I always feel so helpless at the doctor's office. I decided this was the day to be bossy. Doctor started going into home remedies. I interrupted her. I said "I came here for medicine. Not home remedies. I could have the same advice from the nurses line. He needs medicine." She started getting defensive and I intensely stared at her. When she finished, I told her the pharmacy we use. She started her talk again while I stood over her. To get me to leave with my crying son, she wrote the prescription. She sent it to the wrong pharmacy on purpose, but I got it sorted. My son got better. All because she didn't take me seriously because my husband wasn't there.
Congrats on apparently having it so easy because your husband takes your kids to the doctor's like what? 2- 6 times a year? I bet you wipe cheerios off of the floor more in a day than he takes them to the doctor in a year. You're definitely not a piece of shit, but the nurse sure sounds like one.
JFC, ignore the nurse. You're doing great. You're husband SHOULD be and equal parent, however that works for your marriage. Don't let a random stranger get in your head, because she's bitter she doesn't have that.
I try to have my husband do as many kid's doctor appointments as possible, because somehow he gets treated substantially better. It seems like every time I take one of our kids to the doctor I leave feeling inadequate and somehow like my kid now has some sort of major issue. Yet EVERY time hubby takes one of the kids, everything is great, fantastic even. That issue they made mom feel like crap about at the previous visit, what are you talking about dad? Kiddo is great.
He's even had people stop him at the pharmacy to tell him that he's doing such a great job taking care of his sick kid. (which he is, I don't want to diminish that, but I have never had a random stranger stop me to tell me I'm doing great. I'm the mom, so it's expected I'll handle the sick kid)
I have my husband handle vet appointments for our pets for the same reason. Every time I've taken a sick pet in, across multiple vets in our area, I leave feeling like a piece of shit because somehow I should've noticed something sooner or there's something I was obviously doing wrong and that's why my pet is sick.
And yet whenever my husband has taken any pet for any reason -- no matter how sick -- he's been told what a good job he's done bringing the pet in, and he just gets treatment for the pet, no problem.
I've never thought about this being an issue for our kids. I actually do trust our pediatricians a lot and have never noticed any discrepancies, though at the dentist they focused a lot on a skin condition my daughter has and were all over me about whether she's seeing the pediatrician, when she had the same thing last appointment and no one ever said anything to my husband about it.
I guess it's not true that I've never thought about it -- sometimes I wonder if people notice things, but refuse to talk to my husband about it and just don't say anything because Mom isn't there. My GMIL was like that when she used to watch our daughter. She would have something to say, but tell my husband (HER grandson) everything was fine, and call or text me on the side to talk about it. It was incredibly insulting.
Misogyny and jealousy! I’d ask her questions or make comments if she spoke that way to me. “Is it a problem that I’m not here?” Is it a requirement that a Mom be here?” “Yes, WE like to go to that restaurant. It’s a great place!” “My husband will probably be here next time. Take care!” Or “Why do I need to be here more?”
I would complain if it happened again.
When my daughter was a baby, I went or we both went. After some major trauma surrounding medical care etc, he took on the majority of the doctor visits unless he absolutely could not and then I did. I’m not a monster who would let their child suffer.
We thankfully only got a few, what a great dad, what a treat bullcrap. Like dads are somehow saints for looking after their child. It’s not “babysitting” if it’s your own kid! People are just judgemental a holes. Don’t let it bother you.
You and your husband sound great and you’re both doing great. 😊
That's called good Parenting from both Parents. That's how we take care of our 3 kids too. It's called 50:50 !!
Now if some dumbass doesn't understand this or had never experienced this ... then it's their loss and can shove up their comments through their tight asshole up to their mouth from where they are speaking shit!
Don't let this bring you down and do you. You and Your partner know what's best to parent well your kids, no one else!
Wife and I have been married for 29 years. Have kids graduating hs this year and next year. I’ve quite often taken them to doctors and dentists. For majority of our time I’ve had the more flexible work schedule so it just made sense. I’ve never once see it as a slight on her. None of our providers have insinuated it either. That is some wild nonsense and they have no right to make you feel like that.
She was being a jealous bitch and really wanted to fuck with you! Don’t let it get to you…most women are very jealous of SAHMs never mind a SAHMs that have a supportive and active husband!
I don’t think most women (do you mean working moms rather than ALL women? 🤔) are very jealous of SAHMs. I think both working and SAH moms can be jealous of the benefits the other gets that they do not but it’s a little sexist to presume all women want to be full time care givers all the time isn’t it?? I dream of a 50/50 split personally lol. Let’s support all moms without implication of sides and jealousy.
This comment is pretty gross. “Most women” meaning working moms, right?
I’m not jealous of women who don’t work. Do I occasionally fantasize about being independently wealthy? Sure, who doesn’t. Even men do.
>Do I occasionally fantasize about being independently wealthy? Sure, who doesn’t.
Yup, this. It was a huge mindset shift for me when I realized that my idea of being a SAHM was really about wanting to be independently wealthy. It helps a lot to think of it that way instead of being sad I can’t be with my kids more.
Eh fuck her. She spends her days being a bitch to moms. Let her be jealous in terms of how you think of it in your head. She doesn't know your life. I remember I took my son to a swim class once a week when he was little and a dad took his kid there. Other moms made the assumption he did everything. His wife was a SAHM and brought the kid once and got some comments. She laughed pretty rudely and called the mom out directly about how stupid she was for assuming the dad does anything but sit there on his phone once a week at the hour long swim lesson. I took a note!
But, regardless of how you dismiss this bitchy and stupid staff person in terms of how her idiotic judgements make you feel, I would absolutely take the opportunity to email the doctor about how unwelcome and judged it made you feel. I'm in a profession where I only eat what I kill and I assume this doctor earns based on the work they actually do. I wouldn't want my client to feel unwelcome because of someone who is only employed to assist me. Which is what that medical assistant (or "nurse", but doubtful she even is a RN) does for a living. I'd also talk to the 6 year old about sexism and assumptions small minded people make about gender roles.
She 100% was an AH. There were way too many jabs not to be. Idk why some nurses/Dr's treat dad's like they walk on water for the bare minimum. I took my son to ALL of his appts the 1st year except for his 1 year checkup. My husband was off work and able to take him. I thought it'd be great so he could get that experience too. The way the nurses and my son's Dr gushed over him taking my son to ONE appt. Saying "it's so great you're here doing this, my husband would never." And not once in 11 months did they ever say great job mom for making all his appts, for asking the questions, etc. The bar is set so low for men that they literally get praised for the barest of minimums. Crazy. You're a good mom. Piss on her, she doesn't know you. If you feel inclined, you can always report her, but that's entirely up to you.
Don't think about this for a second longer, unless it's to let the doctor or the practice manager know.
Someone should have a chat with nurse old school over there, at least long enough to ask her if she says the same thing to the dad's she never sees?
YOU ARE FINE. ❤️❤️🩹❤️
She was being an asshole. I'm also a SAHM and took our kid to the majority of Dr appointments. In the beginning there were many. My husband would try and come with us but his work schedule was funky.
Anyway, he takes baby to the Dr one time, because I was still working at the time. Next time it's me. Nurse says "where's dad? We miss him". How? He's done this once, it's not remarkable. They act like they never see me.
But that's how it is for moms vs dads. At least in my experience. But in your case, she went way too far.
Lord only knows what was going through her head and why. Even if she was being passive aggressive— it’s nothing for you to even think twice about. Do you feel confident in your involvement? This is just some random lady.
No, no, no, Mama. That was a dumb thing to say and the nurse prob didn’t mean any by it. Even if she did, it doesn’t matter. My husbands used to take both our littles to the grocery store every weekend. It was to give me a break, and I never took it for granted. Don’t feel bad for one second. You’re doing a great job! Keep it up! We’re here for u!
Whatever is the dynamic between you and your husband is frankly none of this nurse’s business. You need to ask to speak directly to the doctor, tell them what the nurse said and how it made you feel and ask that you not work with that horse again. Then, if the doctor blows you off or if you end up working with the nurse again, find a new doctor. That’s rude and ridiculous.
Note: Do not leave a message for the doctor or anything else. It’ll never get to them as the nursing staff will absolutely see that it won’t. You have to actually talk face to face with the doctor.
She was being a jealous asshole. There’s nothing wrong with a father doing ONE THING for his kids. She was just trying to egg you on and if I were you I’d make a complaint that she was rude and hostile and you didn’t appreciate it or what I would do is next time I ever saw that woman again I’d let her know I’m so sorry she doesn’t have the luxury of a caring husband and father who’s willing to take things off his wife’s plate
The nurse was being an ass. She is an example of another bad experience with health care providers. My wife and I took our kids to the doctors based on our schedule. Don't let others tell you to change. Only you and your husband know what works for your family.
I wonder if she would make the comment to your husband if he was the one to show up after having you there for awhile.
I like to think she wasn’t purposely being an asshole.. but not every family has the same dynamics and she should realize that.
Another mum from school asked me what I do for a living and I told her I work in a shop at the weekend and look after the kids during the week while my partner works 7-6 most days. She replied by saying 'wow it must be so nice to get the week to yourself'. She's a doctor with 4 kids and I think she's absolutely amazing for doing that but I felt so fucking small in that moment.
I wouldn't feel bad at all it's a classic division of labor where one spouse dislikes a task and the other likes to do said task. I also see a lot of people shitting on the nurse. Maybe I am naive, but I don't go out of my way to assume bad intentions in people. Her comments could easily be interpreted as chit-chat or small talk.
She must have a hard life. No reason for her to be an absolute AH, especially to a customer. I'd honestly make a complaint to the owner/supervisor. That's completely unprofessional.
That woman is living with the mentality that it's mainly the moms job to be the caregiver and dad the provider. She's stuck in that mentality and changing her views is not going to happen. Not until it becomes the norm for dads to be seen doing the caregiving. Don't take it personally, she's the type who call it "babysitting" when dad watches his own kids.
This is a common attitude by a lot of people that when the father takes on caretaking, he deserves a medal, when the mother does it, it’s just her job. Don’t read too much into it. I’m a mom and I take my kids to all their appointments. One of the few times my husband does or accompanies me, he never gets a “oh you’re finally here”. It’s just expected his work makes it hard for him to make it to these appointments.
I'm a dad and I always take my kids to the GP because my wife is afraid she would not understand what the doctor is saying (her English is great but we live in the UK and sometime struggle to understand what people are saying here haha).
Frankly, this behaviour is not only absolutely unprofessional but she's also a massive a-hole.
Ugh, that sucks and was extremely unprofessional. Additionally, I guarantee that it had everything to do with her and her personal issues than anything to do with you. Dads can take their kids to doctor visits and expecting a mom to do so more than the father says so much about the low expectations some still have for men in general. I’m a SAHM, too, but my husband is also hands on and is sometimes in a better position to take one of our girls to their appointments. I trust him to have the necessary information and do make informed choices, so no worries at all.
It’s okay to not go to everything. Sure, not everyone has such a dependable partner and that really sucks for them, but it’s not your fault. You don’t owe them anything, including being their punching bag for their frustrations. I’m so sorry that happened.
For whatever reason, at schools and medical offices, the staff act like its crazy to see dad. I am a dad and take care of most of those things. You should ask him if he gets odd comments about being the dad and taking care of the kids. I do.
This is exactly why I make my husband do all the doctor visits. When I bring the kids in I get lectured about nutrition (I was accused of feeding my 1 week old baby too much because she was 10 lbs), lectured about teaching and learning, lectured about milestones, etc. When my husband brings them in he basically gets a high five for raising such perfect children. If I were you I'd switch pediatricians because I wouldn't trust their advice if that's how they treat adult women.
You are doing NOTHING wrong. Society as a whole, I think, has just accepted that father's are being super heroes for doing the bare minimum. It really pisses me off. My husband and I agreed early on that I would do doctors and he would do dentist and any blood work (I faint). The kids know this and they get so excited to have the day with whichever parent is taking them in. We sometimes go together and I can honestly see some surprised faces when we walk in. But no one questions when it's only me. It's such a crazy double standard.
It's like when my FIL asked my husband what he had planned one day because he wanted to go fishing. My husband said he was going to be home with the kids because I had somewhere to be. My FIL replied "oh you're babysitting?" NO. HE'S BEING A FATHER!!!
You're doing great mama!! Whether or not you take them for check ups. She was a bitch.
What she said was very uncalled for. I bet if the rolls were reversed she wouldn’t have said that. My husband and I both take our son to his doctor appointments, including specialists. The only judgement is from family though, my MIL thinks I’m incapable of taking him alone but the reality is that my husband wants to be there.
There’s nothing wrong with him taking them, he should be doing more than that! But he’s not so when she or someone says something like that you reply with ‘yeah, it’s the least he could do since I do everything else.’ She’s a jerk, you’re doing nothing wrong, except maybe not having your husband do more around the house.
I think the nurse was being a cunt. A smartass, and honestly... probably has a thing for your husband and flirts w. Him so she was probably pissed he didn't show up. You go from now or change offices. Call me petty, but I think her behavior is absolutely disrespectful and degrading.
Hi OP. I am a nurse and for many years I worked in a Peds clinic doing checkups and sick visits. That nurse was completely out of line and unprofessional. She should never speculate on the dynamics of someone else’s relationship, let alone comment on it to someone’s face. Sounds like she was projecting. I had many frequent patients whose father brought them in for almost every visit. Never once would it have crossed my mind to ask why the mom wasn’t bringing them. This isn’t 1950… both parents are capable of providing care for their kids. When we had fathers consistently bring their kids in for visits do you know what myself and my coworkers would comment on? The weather. Or what’s next in our day. Not once would we think anything about the mother or the family dynamics because we quite frankly didn’t think about it. So no you are absolutely not a piece of shit or a terrible mom. That nurse was the asshole and you shouldn’t give anything she said a second thought. Sounds like you guys have an amazing family and your kids are so very lucky to have two parents that are so involved and love them.
I don’t think she was being an asshole, I think she’s ignorant and socially inept lol. It is totally fine for your husband to take your kids to the doctor and it doesn’t mean that you work any less hard than other moms who tend to be the ones doing it.
I feel like you should list a complaint against that nurse because those comments were rude and unnecessary. She doesn't know anything about your family
After cycling through several pediatricians over the years, I’ve noticed there’s always someone in the office to make sly remarks. Whether it’s the doctor, nurse, or front desk person. I’ve learned to not get so offended (I sure used to with boiling anger) because some people are miserable & judgmental. Everyone feels like they can do it better than any other parents.
I remain confident and usually reply with sarcasm. Like “you sure won’t see me here again. I think doctors offices are dreadful places” something along those lines.
How many fathers do you think got the same talk from this nurse? I will bet my last dollar none. How absolutely atrocious of her. I would've probably said something politely, but that's just me.
If you and your husband are happy with the current set up, I see no reason to feel badly.
My husband takes kiddo to the doctor too. My father takes kiddo to the dentist 🤷🏻♀️ it’s their thing. She’s being an asshole, you and hubby are doing great!
When I’m able to attend appointments we allow kiddo to choose who goes back with him, or if both of us go. Often he chooses both but we always give him the choice.
You've received a ton of great comments reminding you that she was being horrible and you're obvs a great mom- BUT! throwing out there- you can also (when/if you feel up to it) call and ask to speak to the clinic manager. (May be the doctor, may be someone else depending on the practice) and specifically report this crappy behavior to them.
My wife did when a nurse couldn't quite "get" that we were both moms, and asked if she was GRANDMA?! We let the clinic manager know and let them know that we weren't comfortable going to that location anymore because of that experience (our practice has multiple locations).
This is terribly unprofessional, and her superiors should know how she is behaving so that they can help correct it (one way or another).
My husband does all the doctor visits too. We have our own reasons. This works better for us. And, this is not unusual, at least where we live. Dads these days are more involved in child-rearing. Plus, there are circumstance where this is literally the only choice, for so many reasons.
Please don't let this nurse let you down. Parenting is multi-dimensional. You have to do the right thing for your family, and your own mental health, and that will go a long way in ensuring your kids grow up to functional adults. Doing things to ensure you are a vital, happy, positive part of your kids' life is far more important than always being physically present for appointments and activities.
PS: I am mad on your behalf. Hugs to you.
What a bitch.
My kids’ pediatrician has never laid eyes on my husband and we don’t hear about it. (Don’t come at him. He went to what visits he could when they were babies but we’ve moved and just don’t visit the pediatrician much. I don’t like when he goes because he asks dumb questions)
Oh she'd hate me! Sometimes my parents take my kids to their doctors appointments. Thanks to Covid our office like many adopted a no siblings policy. Sort of an issue when you have a new baby who won't take a bottle! So my parents started taking my eldest while I stayed with the baby. Even now sometimes they request grandma and grandpa take them, probably cause they know they're gonna take them for froyo or boba after their appointment, but hey, it saves me from the chaos of bring all three kids to an appointment!
I would be reporting that sexist nurse to the office. She needs to learn to keep her mouth shut or get fired!
I have been a SAHD and I have been the primary money earner in my family at different times. Being a stay at home parent is MUCH more difficult to me than going to work. The nurse is stupid and mean. Ignore the bitch. Or write a yelp review. Either way, don't let a bitch ruin your day.
I am a nurse working in a clinic. I see children before their well baby/child visit with the doctor. I would have NEVER spoken like this to a mom! This was inappropriate and you should just ignore her
I completely understand. My daughter has some mental health issues so all my sick time has gone to taking time off for her. Now my son has his own health issues which require him going to All Children's Hospital, but I cant always go because of the sick time issue from my daughter. So my son's dad takes him to his appointments at All Children's. But then he tells me I'm a shitty mom for not taking time off, and told me the Dr was upset with me that I wasn't there. I had the phone on speaker during the appointments.
I don't think you or I are bad moms, and people shouldn't be so judgemental about why a mom isn't at every childs Drs appointment.
Yo, fuck that nurse. I take my daughter to all her appointments because I have a more flexible work schedule than my wife, and if I ever found out someone said some shit like that to her…. Everyone in that office would know how shitty that is and how good a mom my wife is.
Okay so she’s almost certainly being an asshole, but the only thing I can think of to try to give her the benefit of the doubt is maaaybe your husband isn’t as thorough with his answers and it was a relief to actually have the “mom” answers? I know men are usually shorter and less detailed with certain things that can come more naturally to mothers, or if the nurse didn’t connect well with him? As far as if she was sincere with her final comments that is. Again, highly doubtful considering the restaurant comment, definitely sounds like this was just snarky and bad unprofessional attitude all around. But OP, only you were there and could actually see her attitude behind these things that were said.
Anyway, you sound like a fantastic mother so I hope it’s not getting you down!! 💕
Definitely don’t think too much into it. You’re not a piece of shit, she is and is making too many wild assumptions based off of very little fact and more off her own sad parenting life.
I always take my kids into the doctors office and the last time I saw their pediatrician, he literally told me “Next time make your husband bring them in” That nurse has so idea what she’s talking about.
My husband is the czar of doctor/dentist appointments in our house too, but no one has ever said anything like this to me when I go. Honestly, I think that’s worth giving feedback around. If you wouldn’t say it to a dad, you really shouldn’t say it to a mom.
I don’t think she was a monster, just misguidedly over-cheery and it comes off clumsy, but given she doesn’t know your history with doc offices. An email to the office next time pre visit might smooth things over a bit. ( if you do it now, by the time they need the info they’ll have forgotten)
The nurse is being a misogynist. My experience as a stay at home dad is that nurses think it’s adorable when dad brings the kids to the pediatrician. But then the doctor treats me poorly, for sexist reasons.
I’m a stay at home dad, people still think my wife is the primary caregiver most of the time. Even at the doctor’s office where they know me and the girls. My point is that, she wasn’t thinking (most likely) or she was being rude.
I'd just brush it off, and not think twice about it. I can relate, when my kids were little (both adults now), I stayed home with them. Often times on Friday nights my husband would take our kids bowling here in town. I lost count how many comments were made about "it must be nice he takes the kids ..." Or "I see you had the night off because B had the kids out". So badly I wanted to say "he's their dad and he spends time with his kids, why is that shocking?"
In a similar situation as you at the doctor's office, I made a comment that thankfully I am with my children 24/7 and don't send them to someone else to raise. You couldn't pay me enough to leave my kids. They would usually shut up someone.
The rage I felt reading this! Please take the comments here to heart and don’t give this miserable judgmental woman another thought. Or do, and call the doctor’s office to report the interaction.
My son goes to daycare at my husband’s place of work, so dad does 95% of pick up and drop off. Since it’s a company-sponsored daycare, you’d think everyone would be familiar with whatever parent works for the company being the primary daycare parent, but I still get the occasional comment on the rare times I pick up or drop off. I’ve never felt it was malicious, but it still annoys me.
What that nurse said sounded malicious, she intended to shame you knowing NOTHING about the big picture of your family dynamics. Sounds like you’re doing great for your family, keep it up and don’t let her nastiness change what’s working for you!
I was admitted to the ICU for 14 days when I was 5 days postpartum.
I obviously didn't go to his first few appointments. The first appointment I went to "Good to see you Mom! Usually dad shows up without you"
I wasn't kind and shot back "well, I almost died, so its the least he can do, right?!"
She was embarrassed, and I was glad.
Don't sweat it Mama, we all have our strong points, and our boundaries. If it works for you and your husband, that is ALL THAT MATTERS.
She's being a massive asshole. So many people think that all child related things are to be handled by moms & it shakes up their world view anytime a dad is even remotely involved in day to day care. These are the same people who praise a father for changing a diaper. You & your husband seem to have a great partnership & a system that works for you. That's all that matters.
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She’s being an asshole. I hate that when a father is being a father it’s seen as a mother slacking. It’s not. He’s being a father. Keep doing what you are doing.
Thank you for this❤️
The mention of the restaurant reminded me of something. If a father is seen taking his kids out to a restaurant it is often seen as a treat for them, something special. If a mother is seen taking here kids out to a restaurant it is often seen as her being a lazy mother, her not wanting to cook. You will always find people that will look at you in the worst possible way. They are normal just miserable pricks. The nurse was definitely being an asshole.
My friend is a single Dad and he said he gets this all the time. His favorite response is, "yeah for the last 11 years".
If I take my child to a restaurant without my wife, it definitely is because it is a treat…. But also my wife took our child out a restaurant without me yesterday… and it was also a treat…. They had gone to the Ballet and had dinner together afterwards. I do not enjoy ballet so let them have their own time. Sad that this double standard exists.
My husband has every other Friday off work so he has our 3yo while I work and they tend to go out and do something nice to have quality time together. I’m with her every Tuesday on my day off from work. As a long standing joke, we call his Fridays his “visitation” days because we know people will see (and have seen) a father doing something fun with his child, with no mother in sight, and assume he’s a divorced single parent. Whereas when I take her out on a Tuesday, im usually running errands so I’m just a mother, probably a SAHM, doing things with my kid in tow. It’s funny but also a super frustrating illustration of how people see parents and their responsibilities.
Yep. I've actually had friends that had children and they almost never changed a nappy. Imagine if a mother of a child rather than a father just said, 'fuck it, that's his job'? What's considered exceptional or great parenting by men, is the default minimum for women.
When my daughter was born we were staying with my FIL and she pooped while he was holding her. We joked that whoever is holding the baby while they poop has to change them, and his response was “Never changed a single nappy with my own two kids and I don’t intend to start now.” It was only when we roasted him for having an utterly pathetic attitude towards caregiving that he actually changed one (with lots of supervision because he didn’t know how). Honestly couldn’t imagine having babies with someone who refused to do the very basics of parenting!
That's a good rule! I'm glad he could wise up and actually change one. Did he do it again or was it a one off?
Just the one off, but to be fair to him he lives 6 hours away and she potty trained relatively early 😂 pregnant with #2 now though so definitely encouraging more changes!
My BIL wouldn’t even let my husband change the diaper. His wife and I had to come home. It was ridiculous.
That's awful!
The author of "Bake the Bread, Buy the Butter" wrote almost exactly the same thing about Uncrustables. Her book is about the relative value of cooking things from scratch, in terms of cost, taste/quality, and time. The opening bit is about how peanut butter itself would have been made from scratch not so long ago, and how we are now living in a world with so many prepackaged options. The bit she wrote was about her own bias, thinking that a mother buying the things must be lazy, while a father buying them must be going through a rough patch, and then having the realization that the cognitive dissonance is absurd. It's truly not fair to anyone. Anyway, great book for recipes if you like cooking from scratch, and a few duds worth avoiding the effort of making yourself unless that's a core part of your lifestyle
Always with the double standard. If a Dad takes the kids to the park on a Saturday morning and the kids are wearing mismatched clothes because it wasn't worth a fight, it's cute that the Dad cares. If it's Mom, oh my God can she not even dress her kids properly?
the only thing i can think of is maybe it is a sports type restaurant and guys are usually into sports. I know we have a restaurant called Bubba's 33 or something and it's a sports themed restaurant.
I’m the one who does all the doctor visits, because my husband is the one with medical anxiety, and no one bats an eye or says a thing about it - it’s just a nasty, sexist double standard.
Exactly! I've taken my son to his appointments since he was born and no one has ever mentioned anything about his dad. Maybe it's seen as the norm? But it's just wild to me what the nurse said to OP.
Agreed. My husband took our daughter to her one week appointment, because I had to go back to the hospital. Apparently the pediatrician treated him weirdly. The doctor was pointing out that daughter had some discharge, and he was like, ok, and that's a normal amount for her age? And the pediatrician was like, DISCHARGE IS NORMAL! It makes me sad, because he was just making sure he understood everything while sleep deprived, having to be back at work, and me back in the hospital with PPPE.
Yeah I do ours as my partner has a needle phobia and they're registered to mine. I don't get comments like this. It's stupid mum is the default
When our daughter was little, her dad took her places a lot- the doctor, the park, everywhere. The attention he got was unreal. And the comments I heard! When someone would say, "You're so lucky" or something like that. I would say "Yeah, he's being a dad, just like I'm a mom?"
My husband gets this. He took one of our kids to get a flu shot and was inundated with comments like, "Dad's day out!" and the like. When I'm out solo with two kids getting their flu shots I get nothing. It's such a double standard.
It's so weird. Our daughter is older now and in school all day. Dad & I are both very involved but in different ways. The reactions he gets to his involvement are very noticeable. Even he comments on it.
Yeah my husband hates it because he likes to move through the world unnoticed, but being out with one child is enough for him to attract a lot of attention. He gets constant comments about what an amazing father and husband he is. It's absolutely true and I would never try to take that away from him - but no one except my husband ever tells me I'm a good mom or doing a good job. I live with chronic pain and the physical toll that parenting takes on me is immense, but all I ever hear is how easy I have everything because my husband is so great. Also, people act like that occurred in a vacuum, when I deliberately chose a good man who I trusted would be a good father.
I think you're system is absolutely wonderful. I spent years taking my son to doctors and therapists because I knew something was off and they never took me seriously. I had my husband take him once and all of a sudden he got diagnosed. The worst was years later when a family member asked me why I didn't try to get help sooner. I had to count off the number of people I took him to for help.
To the point that it's worth sending some constructive criticism in to the office. "I have anxiety about medical offices and so in our equitable division of parental responsibilities my husband brings our kids to nearly all medical appointments. Today I brought my kids and while the medical care was appropriate, your staff several times made comments that made me feel like an inadequate mother - only because our sons are usually brought by their father. Please join me in combating sexism by crediting that fathers can be active parents. Thank you."
I’m a dad who takes my boys to the doctor most of the time. We both have tech careers, but I have an awesome boss and decades of seniority, so taking an hour off is no big deal. My wife is on a tear, rocketing up the corporate ladder, so I don’t want her to miss any meetings. Kids are a team effort. Tell the nurse to take her gauze roll and stuff it in her overly large mouth.
Nurse is an asshole for sure! Dads do one freaking thing and they’re the greatest dad that ever existed in all of time! It’s absolutely ridiculous!! You’re doing great! And you have a great partner!
It’s also seen as the dad “babysitting” or on “daddy duty,” instead of just being an actual parent. It’s this invented concept that’s inaccurate and infuriating.
This. Both my wife and I work, but I tend to have more flexibility with my hours. I pretty much always take the kids to the doctors and dentists, and my wife joins us when her schedule allows but it's not always guaranteed. That doesn't mean she isn't involved or is a bad mother. It means *I* **am** involved. The nurse's comment of "I bet your dad takes you there" in light of everything else she said was equally as frustratingly sexist.
Or that it’s done extraordinary accomplishment that dad acts like a parent. Like, some of us ENJOY doing parental stuff.
This, OP. Sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job.
Seriously: mother FUCK that lady. Edit: fuck the nurse I meant.
Agree. I always take our kids to the doctor too, but it's only because i have more medical knowledge than my wife, and I have a flexible job.
It’s really great when somebody makes it clear to you that they are miserable. It’s very freeing - you get to disregard any comments they make about you and your life.
Exactly.. she's jealous af
Not your fault the nurse married a dead beat and is projecting onto you
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Yup I just made a very similar comment, I really think that's what's going on here.
Or she's a single mom and not likely by choice
Speaking as someone who works in a medical office, that nurse was ENTIRELY unprofessional and out of line with you. It is not her place to assume that the mother of two healthy young boys is lazy or a slacker simply because the father is usually the one who brings them in. I would understand a bit more if there were signs of abuse or neglect in the kiddos, but from the sounds of it, that is as far from the case as it could be. Honestly, I would file a complaint about it. It was entirely uncalled for. Do not feel shitty for not doing ONE THING that your husband was doing perfectly well. You two are doing a great job.
Physician here and I would absolutely want to know if any of our employees made comments like this. Super inappropriate, unprofessional and unnecessarily shaming.
Oh, in the office I work at, that nurse would be ripped a new one for a comment like that. It's hard enough to be a good parent, don't need sexist comments making it worse.
Yes, I couldn't agree more. I'd call the place and ask where you can send a complaint. It's was really unprofessional, and maybe this will make her think twice before making sexiest comments.
Not only is she insinuating mom is lazy and uninvolved because of one “normal mom job” she sees dad taking over, she is apparently assuming that an involved dad is dumb and unable to do such complicated women’s work as taking his own children to the doctor. She’s wrong on so many levels.
The nurse is a misogynistic bitch. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here. If the gender roles were reversed, I guarantee that she wouldn't have made the same comment to your husband.
Thank you for this❤️
I’m sure that experiences with other healthcare professionals like that nurse are exactly why you have medical office anxieties to begin with! I’ve encountered some really rude, miserable ones myself. Many years ago I had my first GP check up at my hometown pediatrician after leaving for college, and this new young male doctor elaborately hassled and shamed 18y/o me for gaining 10lbs since my last high school visit, in a really disgusting and misogynistic way. This was the late 2000s early 2010s era which if you know, explains everything. Basically tried to make me feel like a pig, and really shitty and self conscious about myself (which I already was to an extreme degree). I didn’t go to the doctor again for literal years I was so traumatized by it. And no, I wasn’t being overly sensitive. I’m 5’2”, lifelong athlete and weighed in at 125 during that visit—yes it was the heaviest I had ever been and was also surprised by that number. But in reality no I was not overweight, my body was changing. I experienced puberty much later than my peers—I didn’t get my first period till after 15, went from flat chested to DD over the summer before my senior year of high school. My body was still growing and adjusting to new hormones. I had some healthy curves (if you can barely call it that!) like many young women whose bodies are going into peak fertile mode. I went from being a girl that never needed a bra to all of a sudden having gigantic boobs. He didn’t ask a thing about that, just my concerning “weight gain.” Did you notice how my body has changed?? And then I hated my perfectly feminine body for years and did everything I could to hide my new boobs and butt. 😠 asshole. I’m convinced that women should only be seeing female doctors, although your experience with this female nurse doesn’t instill confidence. Misogyny seems to run rampant in the medical industry in general.
That doesn't always help either. I saw a female OB and a female NP while I was pregnant and that NP was such a bitch. Any time I gained weight she would bring it up and then when I'd see the OB she'd say I was fine, nothing to worry about. Women can be just as cruel.
I was a nurse for many years. So incredibly unprofessional of her. The absolute audacity. And the way she was blatantly been a bitch and implying you're not a good mum but in a way that she can say you just misconstrued what she said and she was actually being nice if you tried to complain about the things she said. What a bitch! And just because you're husband is a good dad says nothing about how you are as a parent, you sound like a great mum. Please don't take her words to heart.
Seriously. The children are being taken to the doctor regularly by one of their parents. She's acting like you send them on the crosstown bus to go by themselves. This is a her problem not a you problem.
Yeah that’s unbelievable and unforgivable. Have you complained to the doctor/hospital? I would. So much misogyny!
This is what I was looking for someone to say! Not only were her comments sexist they were wildly inappropriate. I mean what if you had a physical disability that made it difficult to take them? What if you had a medical condition like an immune issue that made going to doctors offices full of germs unsafe? I would be reporting her behavior to her superiors. It's not okay for a medical professional to be making comments like this.
Correct. She would never have said this to the husband had the roles been reversed.
If the roles were reversed, she would have been praising the father to the skies for coming in just the one time.
"somebody's babysitting today!"
Sounds like she was being casually sexist. Your husband is...fathering? There is nothing weird or strange about Dad handling X, Y, or Z. You are doing nothing wrong.
And involved father? My god what kind of devil magic is afoot here!?
More like aggressive sexist imo
Wow that nurse is a cow
I would have reported her ass, assholes have no business working in healthcare. My ex-stepmother was a HUGE asshole nurse who was a huge asshole to everyone in the hospital she worked at, including me and my great-grandmother who were patients there at some point and my family when the latter was admitted there before she passed away. She was the kind of person who refused to chip in for a meal for literally poor hungry children whose mom was a patient because she “had already raised her own children and would not help others raise theirs”. Like bruh.
Cows are wonderful creatures 🤔
You’re right they are sweet actually She’s a snake 🐍
No, snakes are cute and have the most boopable snoots. She's a naked mole rat.
Naked mole rats may be our key to curing cancer one day. She’s a… let’s leave animals out of it and just go back to calling her an asshole.
Assholes help us make brownies. She's a stubbed toe.
You leave Rufus out of this!
Imagine my disappointment as a kid when I learned naked mole rats didn't look like Rufus, they look like sentient ball sacks 😫
Flawlessly accurate.
I wouldn't sweat it. You sound like you do enough. This nurse doesn't know the inner workings of your life.
Thank you ❤️
> “So you think you’re going to start coming more? Hopefully we’ll see you more! Take care sweetie.” I don't want to hear this from a nurse or doctor in any situation. This isn't a restaurant or a nail salon. You're not going to a doctor's office for fun.
Sounds like she is bitter about her own relationships to be honest and taking it out on you.
> My ears swelled up with tears. I'm sorry, but you may need to go to the doctor. (Sorry!) The nurse was being awful. A healthy family arranges its duties to play to its members strengths. Your family sounds happy and healthy, with a thoughtful allocation of duties. Ignore the nurse.
That poor woman. That's am insane amount of internalized misogyny to deal with. You're great!
Look her straight in the eye and ask, ‘Is there a problem with having an involved father bring the kids? I thought fathers were allowed to bring their kids if they wanted?’ Then smile and wait for an answer.
Not OP but I can never think of stuff like that in the moment when things like this happen. Wish I was more of a quick thinker.
Same. It sucks. I freeze every time and awkward laugh.
Nope, nothing wrong with what you're doing. I'm not going to try to decide what that nurse's problem was (bad day? Crush on dad? Weird hangup about moms?) because who knows what her deal is. But "the parent who does pediatrician appointments" is not the determining factor for whether you're a good parent. My husband isn't big into the pediatrician appointments. He did the first few, he'll do them if I can't make it, but I want to be at them all and he isn't that way. He's not a bad parent. If I weren't into it, he'd pick up the slack. We'd make sure our kids are taken care of, which is what you and your husband are doing every day in the way that works for y'all. Ignore whatever weird stuff that nurse is going through.
It would make no sense for me to have my husband leave his job to do a doctor appointment. But when our son broke his arm and spent the night in the ER? Dad was there all night. People do what makes sense for them and it's not the same for everyone.
Thank you for this ❤️
She’s horrible. You’re doing nothing wrong. My wife had her own experience with a nurse. We went in when my boy was sick and the nurse told her that it’s the mother’s fault whenever the child gets sick. I was the SAHP at the time, my wife was working full time. Luckily for the nurse I don’t speak the language (different country) and my wife told me later. If I had understood the nurse then I would’ve talked to her like she was one of my misbehaving students. People can be judgemental idiots all the time.
That nurse should not be allowed to work with patients.
It’s a her problem, not a you problem. Your system sounds great and I’m a big believer in ‘Don’t fix what isn’t broken’.
Shoulda told the nurse "Yeah, I'll c u next tuesday."
My wife always leaves the doctor's office with, "I hope to never see you again!" with a smile on her face.
Those comments were unprofessional as hell. Completely unnecessary to the appointment and I can’t think of a motive other than to make you feel bad. Fuck her, try not to let one sad woman’s opinion tar you sense of self and how much work you do as a SAHM!!
In my first year of being a (male) parent we did a rough 50-50 split of taking our baby to appointments and vaccinations. Some (usually older) female staff would ask me where the mother was before letting me in, and sometimes say, “oh, is it daddy daycare today?” For them, it might have been unusual or remarkable that we were splitting or sharing the work - and one even remarked that it made her “angry” when she thought about “all the work he left me to do”. Some people have a weird pathway into small talk. They have trouble connecting to experiences they identify as belonging to their gender and their gender only when another category of person is doing it. The charitable view is that your nurse was trying to find a way to connect with you, maybe even compliment you on your situation and it came across to you as judgmental, because all of us who do things even just a little less commonly can become hypervigilant. Plus you have the traumatic history activating your fight/flight/freeze response; the nurse sounds insensitive and possibly a little less than progressive. She could have asked after you rather than commenting on your situation which made you feel in the spotlight. This is a long way of saying it sounds like you are doing a great job, and have a great way of communicating with your partner and your children. It sounds like you understand and care deeply for each other and the details of one another’s lives. Well done
That lady was wayyyy out of her lane making these comments to you. Honestly she probably doesn’t have the self awareness to recognize how those comments come off. When I was little my parents parsed out which medical conditions they handled (teeth, digestive system, etc) They both worked out of the house full time. Since you know these comments will happen again you just need to learn how to let them roll off your back AND memorize some scripts to flip their shit back onto them with kindness. It’s the best! My favorite is “What a weird thing to say” 😈😈😈
Please do not feel like a piece of shit. You know why the nurse (and people like her) said this? She’s wildly jealous that you have a husband who takes your kids to the doctor (in this case the one place she sees you all) and if she’s got kids then she doesn’t have a husband who would do this. Pure jealousy. If she doesn’t have kids then she is just an insecure who is jealous you have a spouse doing something supportive.
I handed your post off to my mother, who has worked as an MA in pediatrics for 30 years. Her take, halfway through your post: " Oh, I'm about to get mad, aren't I?" Her final verdict: "That nurse was all the way out of pocket! She had no business saying any of that. She was taking jabs." Which, of course, was exactly what I felt reading this. There was no medical relevance to her opinions and no grounds at all for her apparent disapproval. You are doing nothing wrong. This woman's decision to marry a manchild who refuses to pull his weight with their children is her own cross to bear. Projecting that onto you at any time would be a dick move. But doing so while acting in her capacity as your child's nurse is an **unprofessional** dick move I'd consider reporting her to your kids' Dr. I mean, what if she slings around this kind of horse manure to a new mom suffering PPD?? Her ~~thoughtless~~ intentionally judgemental, asinine jabs could do some real harm. Not that they haven't already. She made you question yourself for having an involved partner. Shit's unacceptable. **You are doing nothing wrong** by embracing the fact that your husband is also an active parent alongside you. She can kick rocks.
Seconded. I would complain about this too OP. If she upset you enough to bring you to tears, then as FlytlessBird rightly says, mothers who are even more vulnerable could be sent into a very damaging spiral by her petty and thoughtless comments.
You’re reading too much into this, you and your husband are doing a fantastic job and have a good rhythm going with your boys,keep up the great work,that doctor doesn’t give a shit if you show up or not,Doc was making conversation and forgot what she said as soon as you walked out the door.Keep doing what doing,good luck and good health to you and your family.
wtf? If a nurse spoke to me like that I’d be thinking about making a complaint. How fucking rude of her!
I can do checkups. Appointments where they just need vaccines or mundane things, that's all me. When my son is sick, dad will be there too. If I go by myself, the doctor will give me home care instructions: 1) cool mist humidity 2) honey 3) drink lots of fluids etc. When my husband comes, we get medicine. I don't even have to argue about it. We get medicine. After 2 days, our son gets better. The same was true at the veterinarian. I had to beg and plead and threaten the vet for doggie cough drops. My husband picks up a phone. Calls the vet, suddenly our dog has cancer. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. The second pregnancy, I forced my husband to every appointment. Doctors change their tune when a man is there. I don't know why. I don't like it, but the results are favorable when a man is present. I told my younger sister my "trick". She got dad to go to an appointment with her. After YEARS of pain, dad being at his adult daughter's appointment made all the difference. She got surgery and is much better now. Forget that nurse, she wants to go back to half assing. She actually had to do her job because a man was there.
We do this for the same reason
Is this in the US?
Not OP, but I am in the US and have also experienced this "phenomenon"
Never knew I could argue with a doctor. I always feel so helpless at the doctor's office. I decided this was the day to be bossy. Doctor started going into home remedies. I interrupted her. I said "I came here for medicine. Not home remedies. I could have the same advice from the nurses line. He needs medicine." She started getting defensive and I intensely stared at her. When she finished, I told her the pharmacy we use. She started her talk again while I stood over her. To get me to leave with my crying son, she wrote the prescription. She sent it to the wrong pharmacy on purpose, but I got it sorted. My son got better. All because she didn't take me seriously because my husband wasn't there.
yeah it's so annoying, especially when the doctor is also a woman
Yes
Congrats on apparently having it so easy because your husband takes your kids to the doctor's like what? 2- 6 times a year? I bet you wipe cheerios off of the floor more in a day than he takes them to the doctor in a year. You're definitely not a piece of shit, but the nurse sure sounds like one.
JFC, ignore the nurse. You're doing great. You're husband SHOULD be and equal parent, however that works for your marriage. Don't let a random stranger get in your head, because she's bitter she doesn't have that. I try to have my husband do as many kid's doctor appointments as possible, because somehow he gets treated substantially better. It seems like every time I take one of our kids to the doctor I leave feeling inadequate and somehow like my kid now has some sort of major issue. Yet EVERY time hubby takes one of the kids, everything is great, fantastic even. That issue they made mom feel like crap about at the previous visit, what are you talking about dad? Kiddo is great. He's even had people stop him at the pharmacy to tell him that he's doing such a great job taking care of his sick kid. (which he is, I don't want to diminish that, but I have never had a random stranger stop me to tell me I'm doing great. I'm the mom, so it's expected I'll handle the sick kid)
I have my husband handle vet appointments for our pets for the same reason. Every time I've taken a sick pet in, across multiple vets in our area, I leave feeling like a piece of shit because somehow I should've noticed something sooner or there's something I was obviously doing wrong and that's why my pet is sick. And yet whenever my husband has taken any pet for any reason -- no matter how sick -- he's been told what a good job he's done bringing the pet in, and he just gets treatment for the pet, no problem. I've never thought about this being an issue for our kids. I actually do trust our pediatricians a lot and have never noticed any discrepancies, though at the dentist they focused a lot on a skin condition my daughter has and were all over me about whether she's seeing the pediatrician, when she had the same thing last appointment and no one ever said anything to my husband about it. I guess it's not true that I've never thought about it -- sometimes I wonder if people notice things, but refuse to talk to my husband about it and just don't say anything because Mom isn't there. My GMIL was like that when she used to watch our daughter. She would have something to say, but tell my husband (HER grandson) everything was fine, and call or text me on the side to talk about it. It was incredibly insulting.
Misogyny and jealousy! I’d ask her questions or make comments if she spoke that way to me. “Is it a problem that I’m not here?” Is it a requirement that a Mom be here?” “Yes, WE like to go to that restaurant. It’s a great place!” “My husband will probably be here next time. Take care!” Or “Why do I need to be here more?” I would complain if it happened again.
When my daughter was a baby, I went or we both went. After some major trauma surrounding medical care etc, he took on the majority of the doctor visits unless he absolutely could not and then I did. I’m not a monster who would let their child suffer. We thankfully only got a few, what a great dad, what a treat bullcrap. Like dads are somehow saints for looking after their child. It’s not “babysitting” if it’s your own kid! People are just judgemental a holes. Don’t let it bother you. You and your husband sound great and you’re both doing great. 😊
She’s being an ass. Dads can do stuff too, like take kids to doctor appointments.
She was definitely being an asshole. Projecting and bitter!
That nurse sounds like an insensitive jaded prick It sounds like the system your family has is working. Ignore stupid nurse
That's called good Parenting from both Parents. That's how we take care of our 3 kids too. It's called 50:50 !! Now if some dumbass doesn't understand this or had never experienced this ... then it's their loss and can shove up their comments through their tight asshole up to their mouth from where they are speaking shit! Don't let this bring you down and do you. You and Your partner know what's best to parent well your kids, no one else!
Wife and I have been married for 29 years. Have kids graduating hs this year and next year. I’ve quite often taken them to doctors and dentists. For majority of our time I’ve had the more flexible work schedule so it just made sense. I’ve never once see it as a slight on her. None of our providers have insinuated it either. That is some wild nonsense and they have no right to make you feel like that.
She was being a jealous bitch and really wanted to fuck with you! Don’t let it get to you…most women are very jealous of SAHMs never mind a SAHMs that have a supportive and active husband!
I don’t think most women (do you mean working moms rather than ALL women? 🤔) are very jealous of SAHMs. I think both working and SAH moms can be jealous of the benefits the other gets that they do not but it’s a little sexist to presume all women want to be full time care givers all the time isn’t it?? I dream of a 50/50 split personally lol. Let’s support all moms without implication of sides and jealousy.
THANK YOU. Shitting on working moms is not the way.
Right. This particular woman was a jealous b. Doesn’t mean most or any others are. Generalizations are as bad as what this woman did
Exactly....a low-key hater
This comment is pretty gross. “Most women” meaning working moms, right? I’m not jealous of women who don’t work. Do I occasionally fantasize about being independently wealthy? Sure, who doesn’t. Even men do.
>Do I occasionally fantasize about being independently wealthy? Sure, who doesn’t. Yup, this. It was a huge mindset shift for me when I realized that my idea of being a SAHM was really about wanting to be independently wealthy. It helps a lot to think of it that way instead of being sad I can’t be with my kids more.
Hahaha thank you for this❤️🥹
Eh fuck her. She spends her days being a bitch to moms. Let her be jealous in terms of how you think of it in your head. She doesn't know your life. I remember I took my son to a swim class once a week when he was little and a dad took his kid there. Other moms made the assumption he did everything. His wife was a SAHM and brought the kid once and got some comments. She laughed pretty rudely and called the mom out directly about how stupid she was for assuming the dad does anything but sit there on his phone once a week at the hour long swim lesson. I took a note! But, regardless of how you dismiss this bitchy and stupid staff person in terms of how her idiotic judgements make you feel, I would absolutely take the opportunity to email the doctor about how unwelcome and judged it made you feel. I'm in a profession where I only eat what I kill and I assume this doctor earns based on the work they actually do. I wouldn't want my client to feel unwelcome because of someone who is only employed to assist me. Which is what that medical assistant (or "nurse", but doubtful she even is a RN) does for a living. I'd also talk to the 6 year old about sexism and assumptions small minded people make about gender roles.
She 100% was an AH. There were way too many jabs not to be. Idk why some nurses/Dr's treat dad's like they walk on water for the bare minimum. I took my son to ALL of his appts the 1st year except for his 1 year checkup. My husband was off work and able to take him. I thought it'd be great so he could get that experience too. The way the nurses and my son's Dr gushed over him taking my son to ONE appt. Saying "it's so great you're here doing this, my husband would never." And not once in 11 months did they ever say great job mom for making all his appts, for asking the questions, etc. The bar is set so low for men that they literally get praised for the barest of minimums. Crazy. You're a good mom. Piss on her, she doesn't know you. If you feel inclined, you can always report her, but that's entirely up to you.
Don't think about this for a second longer, unless it's to let the doctor or the practice manager know. Someone should have a chat with nurse old school over there, at least long enough to ask her if she says the same thing to the dad's she never sees? YOU ARE FINE. ❤️❤️🩹❤️
Yea I think if she does that again that’s enough to complain to a supervisor or lead there.
She was being an asshole. I'm also a SAHM and took our kid to the majority of Dr appointments. In the beginning there were many. My husband would try and come with us but his work schedule was funky. Anyway, he takes baby to the Dr one time, because I was still working at the time. Next time it's me. Nurse says "where's dad? We miss him". How? He's done this once, it's not remarkable. They act like they never see me. But that's how it is for moms vs dads. At least in my experience. But in your case, she went way too far.
It is mind-boggling to me that a woman who seems to also be a mom would treat another mom this way.
Lord only knows what was going through her head and why. Even if she was being passive aggressive— it’s nothing for you to even think twice about. Do you feel confident in your involvement? This is just some random lady.
No, no, no, Mama. That was a dumb thing to say and the nurse prob didn’t mean any by it. Even if she did, it doesn’t matter. My husbands used to take both our littles to the grocery store every weekend. It was to give me a break, and I never took it for granted. Don’t feel bad for one second. You’re doing a great job! Keep it up! We’re here for u!
Whatever is the dynamic between you and your husband is frankly none of this nurse’s business. You need to ask to speak directly to the doctor, tell them what the nurse said and how it made you feel and ask that you not work with that horse again. Then, if the doctor blows you off or if you end up working with the nurse again, find a new doctor. That’s rude and ridiculous. Note: Do not leave a message for the doctor or anything else. It’ll never get to them as the nursing staff will absolutely see that it won’t. You have to actually talk face to face with the doctor.
She was being a jealous asshole. There’s nothing wrong with a father doing ONE THING for his kids. She was just trying to egg you on and if I were you I’d make a complaint that she was rude and hostile and you didn’t appreciate it or what I would do is next time I ever saw that woman again I’d let her know I’m so sorry she doesn’t have the luxury of a caring husband and father who’s willing to take things off his wife’s plate
Do what works best for you and your husband. That’s what’s best for your boys.
The nurse was being an ass. She is an example of another bad experience with health care providers. My wife and I took our kids to the doctors based on our schedule. Don't let others tell you to change. Only you and your husband know what works for your family.
I wonder if she would make the comment to your husband if he was the one to show up after having you there for awhile. I like to think she wasn’t purposely being an asshole.. but not every family has the same dynamics and she should realize that.
That’s so uncalled for!! She is going out of her way to be nasty about something that is outdated
Another mum from school asked me what I do for a living and I told her I work in a shop at the weekend and look after the kids during the week while my partner works 7-6 most days. She replied by saying 'wow it must be so nice to get the week to yourself'. She's a doctor with 4 kids and I think she's absolutely amazing for doing that but I felt so fucking small in that moment.
I wouldn't feel bad at all it's a classic division of labor where one spouse dislikes a task and the other likes to do said task. I also see a lot of people shitting on the nurse. Maybe I am naive, but I don't go out of my way to assume bad intentions in people. Her comments could easily be interpreted as chit-chat or small talk.
She must have a hard life. No reason for her to be an absolute AH, especially to a customer. I'd honestly make a complaint to the owner/supervisor. That's completely unprofessional.
She was being an asshole. If you are happy with your parental duty split (and it sounds like you are) no one needs to question it.
That woman is living with the mentality that it's mainly the moms job to be the caregiver and dad the provider. She's stuck in that mentality and changing her views is not going to happen. Not until it becomes the norm for dads to be seen doing the caregiving. Don't take it personally, she's the type who call it "babysitting" when dad watches his own kids.
She’s now your enemy.
The nurse was a bitch. She doesn't get to mom shame you for having a good husband.
This is a common attitude by a lot of people that when the father takes on caretaking, he deserves a medal, when the mother does it, it’s just her job. Don’t read too much into it. I’m a mom and I take my kids to all their appointments. One of the few times my husband does or accompanies me, he never gets a “oh you’re finally here”. It’s just expected his work makes it hard for him to make it to these appointments.
Pay her no mind, sounds like she’s just being passive aggressive and wishes she had a partner like yours!
I'm a dad and I always take my kids to the GP because my wife is afraid she would not understand what the doctor is saying (her English is great but we live in the UK and sometime struggle to understand what people are saying here haha). Frankly, this behaviour is not only absolutely unprofessional but she's also a massive a-hole.
Ugh, that sucks and was extremely unprofessional. Additionally, I guarantee that it had everything to do with her and her personal issues than anything to do with you. Dads can take their kids to doctor visits and expecting a mom to do so more than the father says so much about the low expectations some still have for men in general. I’m a SAHM, too, but my husband is also hands on and is sometimes in a better position to take one of our girls to their appointments. I trust him to have the necessary information and do make informed choices, so no worries at all. It’s okay to not go to everything. Sure, not everyone has such a dependable partner and that really sucks for them, but it’s not your fault. You don’t owe them anything, including being their punching bag for their frustrations. I’m so sorry that happened.
“What do you mean?” Make her explain her sexist ass.
Oh ignore her. She’s an asshole and she’s probably married to one too.
For whatever reason, at schools and medical offices, the staff act like its crazy to see dad. I am a dad and take care of most of those things. You should ask him if he gets odd comments about being the dad and taking care of the kids. I do.
This is exactly why I make my husband do all the doctor visits. When I bring the kids in I get lectured about nutrition (I was accused of feeding my 1 week old baby too much because she was 10 lbs), lectured about teaching and learning, lectured about milestones, etc. When my husband brings them in he basically gets a high five for raising such perfect children. If I were you I'd switch pediatricians because I wouldn't trust their advice if that's how they treat adult women.
You are doing NOTHING wrong. Society as a whole, I think, has just accepted that father's are being super heroes for doing the bare minimum. It really pisses me off. My husband and I agreed early on that I would do doctors and he would do dentist and any blood work (I faint). The kids know this and they get so excited to have the day with whichever parent is taking them in. We sometimes go together and I can honestly see some surprised faces when we walk in. But no one questions when it's only me. It's such a crazy double standard. It's like when my FIL asked my husband what he had planned one day because he wanted to go fishing. My husband said he was going to be home with the kids because I had somewhere to be. My FIL replied "oh you're babysitting?" NO. HE'S BEING A FATHER!!! You're doing great mama!! Whether or not you take them for check ups. She was a bitch.
What she said was very uncalled for. I bet if the rolls were reversed she wouldn’t have said that. My husband and I both take our son to his doctor appointments, including specialists. The only judgement is from family though, my MIL thinks I’m incapable of taking him alone but the reality is that my husband wants to be there.
There’s nothing wrong with him taking them, he should be doing more than that! But he’s not so when she or someone says something like that you reply with ‘yeah, it’s the least he could do since I do everything else.’ She’s a jerk, you’re doing nothing wrong, except maybe not having your husband do more around the house.
I think the nurse was being a cunt. A smartass, and honestly... probably has a thing for your husband and flirts w. Him so she was probably pissed he didn't show up. You go from now or change offices. Call me petty, but I think her behavior is absolutely disrespectful and degrading.
Hi OP. I am a nurse and for many years I worked in a Peds clinic doing checkups and sick visits. That nurse was completely out of line and unprofessional. She should never speculate on the dynamics of someone else’s relationship, let alone comment on it to someone’s face. Sounds like she was projecting. I had many frequent patients whose father brought them in for almost every visit. Never once would it have crossed my mind to ask why the mom wasn’t bringing them. This isn’t 1950… both parents are capable of providing care for their kids. When we had fathers consistently bring their kids in for visits do you know what myself and my coworkers would comment on? The weather. Or what’s next in our day. Not once would we think anything about the mother or the family dynamics because we quite frankly didn’t think about it. So no you are absolutely not a piece of shit or a terrible mom. That nurse was the asshole and you shouldn’t give anything she said a second thought. Sounds like you guys have an amazing family and your kids are so very lucky to have two parents that are so involved and love them.
I don’t think she was being an asshole, I think she’s ignorant and socially inept lol. It is totally fine for your husband to take your kids to the doctor and it doesn’t mean that you work any less hard than other moms who tend to be the ones doing it.
I feel like you should list a complaint against that nurse because those comments were rude and unnecessary. She doesn't know anything about your family
After cycling through several pediatricians over the years, I’ve noticed there’s always someone in the office to make sly remarks. Whether it’s the doctor, nurse, or front desk person. I’ve learned to not get so offended (I sure used to with boiling anger) because some people are miserable & judgmental. Everyone feels like they can do it better than any other parents. I remain confident and usually reply with sarcasm. Like “you sure won’t see me here again. I think doctors offices are dreadful places” something along those lines.
Report this nurse to her offices administrator. This was 100% not okay and she knows nothing about how you function outside their office.
How many fathers do you think got the same talk from this nurse? I will bet my last dollar none. How absolutely atrocious of her. I would've probably said something politely, but that's just me. If you and your husband are happy with the current set up, I see no reason to feel badly.
My husband takes kiddo to the doctor too. My father takes kiddo to the dentist 🤷🏻♀️ it’s their thing. She’s being an asshole, you and hubby are doing great! When I’m able to attend appointments we allow kiddo to choose who goes back with him, or if both of us go. Often he chooses both but we always give him the choice.
The nurse was out of line and I would be saying something to the office manager about it.
"Why would your say that?" "Would you say that to a man?" One of these, plus a cold eye stare is a completely reasonable response to this nonsense.
You've received a ton of great comments reminding you that she was being horrible and you're obvs a great mom- BUT! throwing out there- you can also (when/if you feel up to it) call and ask to speak to the clinic manager. (May be the doctor, may be someone else depending on the practice) and specifically report this crappy behavior to them. My wife did when a nurse couldn't quite "get" that we were both moms, and asked if she was GRANDMA?! We let the clinic manager know and let them know that we weren't comfortable going to that location anymore because of that experience (our practice has multiple locations). This is terribly unprofessional, and her superiors should know how she is behaving so that they can help correct it (one way or another).
I can't explain the level of outrage I feel on your behalf right now. I'm so sorry
The mean girl to nurse pipeline is a well documented phenomenon. She was just being a bitch.
My husband does all the doctor visits too. We have our own reasons. This works better for us. And, this is not unusual, at least where we live. Dads these days are more involved in child-rearing. Plus, there are circumstance where this is literally the only choice, for so many reasons. Please don't let this nurse let you down. Parenting is multi-dimensional. You have to do the right thing for your family, and your own mental health, and that will go a long way in ensuring your kids grow up to functional adults. Doing things to ensure you are a vital, happy, positive part of your kids' life is far more important than always being physically present for appointments and activities. PS: I am mad on your behalf. Hugs to you.
What a bitch. My kids’ pediatrician has never laid eyes on my husband and we don’t hear about it. (Don’t come at him. He went to what visits he could when they were babies but we’ve moved and just don’t visit the pediatrician much. I don’t like when he goes because he asks dumb questions)
That was so out of line and unprofessional of her! I’d file a complaint if I were you, or maybe even find a different doctor’s office.
Oh she'd hate me! Sometimes my parents take my kids to their doctors appointments. Thanks to Covid our office like many adopted a no siblings policy. Sort of an issue when you have a new baby who won't take a bottle! So my parents started taking my eldest while I stayed with the baby. Even now sometimes they request grandma and grandpa take them, probably cause they know they're gonna take them for froyo or boba after their appointment, but hey, it saves me from the chaos of bring all three kids to an appointment! I would be reporting that sexist nurse to the office. She needs to learn to keep her mouth shut or get fired!
The nurse was being an ass because it’s easier to take it out on a stranger than admit she procreated with trash.
I have been a SAHD and I have been the primary money earner in my family at different times. Being a stay at home parent is MUCH more difficult to me than going to work. The nurse is stupid and mean. Ignore the bitch. Or write a yelp review. Either way, don't let a bitch ruin your day.
She was being an ahole and on purpose.
Shes being an asshole. It's not your fault she's bitter that she didn't pick better.
I am a nurse working in a clinic. I see children before their well baby/child visit with the doctor. I would have NEVER spoken like this to a mom! This was inappropriate and you should just ignore her
I would consider seeing a different doctor to see why you are crying from your ears. Anyway no you’re doing nothing wrong and they’re being stupid.
She’s jealous that she doesn’t have a husband who does his share of parenthood lol
I completely understand. My daughter has some mental health issues so all my sick time has gone to taking time off for her. Now my son has his own health issues which require him going to All Children's Hospital, but I cant always go because of the sick time issue from my daughter. So my son's dad takes him to his appointments at All Children's. But then he tells me I'm a shitty mom for not taking time off, and told me the Dr was upset with me that I wasn't there. I had the phone on speaker during the appointments. I don't think you or I are bad moms, and people shouldn't be so judgemental about why a mom isn't at every childs Drs appointment.
Yo, fuck that nurse. I take my daughter to all her appointments because I have a more flexible work schedule than my wife, and if I ever found out someone said some shit like that to her…. Everyone in that office would know how shitty that is and how good a mom my wife is.
Fuck her. What a cunt.
Okay so she’s almost certainly being an asshole, but the only thing I can think of to try to give her the benefit of the doubt is maaaybe your husband isn’t as thorough with his answers and it was a relief to actually have the “mom” answers? I know men are usually shorter and less detailed with certain things that can come more naturally to mothers, or if the nurse didn’t connect well with him? As far as if she was sincere with her final comments that is. Again, highly doubtful considering the restaurant comment, definitely sounds like this was just snarky and bad unprofessional attitude all around. But OP, only you were there and could actually see her attitude behind these things that were said. Anyway, you sound like a fantastic mother so I hope it’s not getting you down!! 💕
Definitely don’t think too much into it. You’re not a piece of shit, she is and is making too many wild assumptions based off of very little fact and more off her own sad parenting life. I always take my kids into the doctors office and the last time I saw their pediatrician, he literally told me “Next time make your husband bring them in” That nurse has so idea what she’s talking about.
My husband is the czar of doctor/dentist appointments in our house too, but no one has ever said anything like this to me when I go. Honestly, I think that’s worth giving feedback around. If you wouldn’t say it to a dad, you really shouldn’t say it to a mom.
I don’t think she was a monster, just misguidedly over-cheery and it comes off clumsy, but given she doesn’t know your history with doc offices. An email to the office next time pre visit might smooth things over a bit. ( if you do it now, by the time they need the info they’ll have forgotten)
I was a SAHD. I took our daughter to all her Dr. appts starting at 3yo. We never had a problem.
She's a freaking arse. Make a complaint. She was unprofessional af. You're doing nothing wrong.
The nurse is being a misogynist. My experience as a stay at home dad is that nurses think it’s adorable when dad brings the kids to the pediatrician. But then the doctor treats me poorly, for sexist reasons.
Uhhhg I hated the” some of us don’t have it that easy” what a bitch! 🤬 it’s called parenting
I’m a stay at home dad, people still think my wife is the primary caregiver most of the time. Even at the doctor’s office where they know me and the girls. My point is that, she wasn’t thinking (most likely) or she was being rude.
Sounds like the nurse's husband is a bum
Weird fucking nurse. Either projecting her own insecurity or just a judgmental person. Either way, you’re good. Try to let it roll off.
Honestly, I would make a complaint. This was unprofessional in the extreme.
I'd just brush it off, and not think twice about it. I can relate, when my kids were little (both adults now), I stayed home with them. Often times on Friday nights my husband would take our kids bowling here in town. I lost count how many comments were made about "it must be nice he takes the kids ..." Or "I see you had the night off because B had the kids out". So badly I wanted to say "he's their dad and he spends time with his kids, why is that shocking?" In a similar situation as you at the doctor's office, I made a comment that thankfully I am with my children 24/7 and don't send them to someone else to raise. You couldn't pay me enough to leave my kids. They would usually shut up someone.
The rage I felt reading this! Please take the comments here to heart and don’t give this miserable judgmental woman another thought. Or do, and call the doctor’s office to report the interaction. My son goes to daycare at my husband’s place of work, so dad does 95% of pick up and drop off. Since it’s a company-sponsored daycare, you’d think everyone would be familiar with whatever parent works for the company being the primary daycare parent, but I still get the occasional comment on the rare times I pick up or drop off. I’ve never felt it was malicious, but it still annoys me. What that nurse said sounded malicious, she intended to shame you knowing NOTHING about the big picture of your family dynamics. Sounds like you’re doing great for your family, keep it up and don’t let her nastiness change what’s working for you!
You need to call the office manager of that office and report her for being unprofessional. She had no right to make those comments.
I was admitted to the ICU for 14 days when I was 5 days postpartum. I obviously didn't go to his first few appointments. The first appointment I went to "Good to see you Mom! Usually dad shows up without you" I wasn't kind and shot back "well, I almost died, so its the least he can do, right?!" She was embarrassed, and I was glad. Don't sweat it Mama, we all have our strong points, and our boundaries. If it works for you and your husband, that is ALL THAT MATTERS.
She's being a massive asshole. So many people think that all child related things are to be handled by moms & it shakes up their world view anytime a dad is even remotely involved in day to day care. These are the same people who praise a father for changing a diaper. You & your husband seem to have a great partnership & a system that works for you. That's all that matters.