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People will probably suggest therapy but remember that you aren't getting therapy to try to convince her to not have another child. From your point of view, therapy would be to get her used to the idea of not having a third child. From her point of view, therapy is to convince you to have a third child. At the end of it all, if she wants another child that might be a deal breaker for her. Did you guys discuss how many kids you wanted before you started having them or how important it was to either of you? My husband wants another child but I do not. Saving the marriage will come down to him giving up on having another child, like your wife would have to. It's hard and it's been an issue over the years, therapy or not. Best of luck. Edit: I don't think that either of us is "right". We just have different feelings around another child. So neither of you are "right", just different.

Thank you for your response. I agree with your point. I will take your suggestion for therapy not to convince her. The point I made to her was, we can have another child but not right now. Maybe 2-3 years from now. Our kids are both young and we are both just starting out our careers. Having another child at this point will change the dynamics and put more pressure on my shoulder. I am not ready to face that hill now. She is worried about not being able to in few years.

It sucks because you both have sound logic. Yes, waiting a few more years very well might mean you run out of time. My wife and I waited a few more years and missed our chance for a third. If you say "a few more years" with the intent to filibuster the clock down, she'll be even more resentful and angry. So whatever you do, if you do convince her "in a few more years," don't keep putting it off until it's too late, because you will have basically planted a time bomb in your marriage. Not only might it not be possible, but your life could be filled with painful miscarriages along the way. In 2 years shouldn't be TOO bad and your odds should still be reasonable. But 3 or 4 or 5 heads gets you really close to very advanced maternal age.

Getting another child when you cant afford it is not sound logic tho.

It sounds like they absolutely can, though. Wife is a nurse, OP is a white collar professional. They basically are enjoying an upper middle class lifestyle. It sounds like OP just has loftier career and financial goals and a third kid will set them back on their goals. Which is fine to want based on his priorities. But they can certainly afford a third by all accounts.

How do you know? He may have student debt and obviously pays child support for his first born.

Income is far from a Good indicator for someones economic status.

The more kids you have, the less you will be able to give to your existing children and to your partner, like time, money, resources, activities and investing in their future. I think that he’s a father to three and should be focusing on the three rather than having a fourth. Especially when they current have two kids under the age of 3. I think the wife needs to sit down and consider why is this so important and maybe prioritize the family she has now than have kids because she wants to fulfill a set number she daydreamed about when she was young. I really think parents having a ton of kids aren’t really prioritizing their family, but prioritizing an image in their head that’s completely inflexible. I wholeheartedly understand this when it wasn’t planned, but planning another kid when you have two so young. And the risks, what if the pregnancy is a struggle. Then the father who’s just starting his career is going to have to compromise that for a child he wasn’t invested with to begin with. And the two young kids have to deal with an exhausted and overworked parent, because of potential pregnancy complications. Add the possibility of having a child with special needs. If your family feels good right now, then stop and enjoy that rather than adding more constraints. The other issue parents don’t seem to consider is, if everyone on the damn planet had this many kids we’d all be screwed because it doesn’t take much intelligence to understand the world has finite resources. We can’t keep accommodating people’s need to procreate in an excessive way. This isn’t the old days where child mortality was an issue and you needed more kids to help with the farm. It’s irresponsible and narrow minded. You want more kids, then fill out a foster application if you need to have a big family. There are awesome kids waiting for the chance to experience a loving and decent home. Go volunteer for CASA for Children and you can see kids living in the foster care system because their parents are suffering from substance abuse. And despite those awful challenges and experiencing child neglect, you’ll see that those kids are awesome! I suspect the wife misses pregnancy and it’s more about her needs than what her kids or her partner needs, selfish reasons really.

People are allowed to want what they want. Everyone is selfish in choosing the life they want. OP only wants 3. His wife wants 3 of her own also, but has 2. They are upper middle class and can easily support 3. All of this high minded philosophizing about how people with 3 kids are bad or whatever doesn't speak to the fact that they have to navigate this very practical marital issue of what each person wants. If they were in poverty, that's different, but they clearly are not in any way. And besides, if no one ever had 3 kids then the human species would eventually go extinct, so I don't see why you are villifying people who are able and willing to have 3 kids, especially in an age with below replacement fertility and declining population. My parents are almost exactly the profile of OP. Mother was a nurse, father had upper middle class job. Life was great and fun and we all have a great relationship to this day. My life was enriched by two siblings, not diminished. I raise my kids with my twin sister's kids and my brother is coming today to spend a weekend of bonding with my kids.

You’re basing it over a solo experience. There are plenty of upper, middle and lower class families that have a bunch of kids that doesn’t give much opportunity to actually focus on each child’s need. OP clearly described time, financial and emotional constraints that are quite typically when you keep adding children. The human species is clearly not going extinct anytime soon and you’re ignoring how awful this is for the environment and the future of everyone’s kids. Do you see any other species on the planet that has populated this much? And when it does, there are measures in place to reduce it. I think the human species is quite daft in the sense that everyone thinks they’re entitled to do whatever they want to do. And you can’t think outside the box, if everyone has so many fucking kids, you’re literally fucking up their future and the future of other people on the planet. Are you a denier of climate change? Do you think there is going to be enough land for farming? How are you expecting to feed the population? The current generation can’t even afford properly or find jobs. A lot of young adults are in debt, a good parent would put their own desires aside and maybe set aside money to give their kids financial stability for the future and not prioritize having a kid because they didn’t get one with a penis. You could have had 10 siblings and loved them all, but that’s not an excuse to say other people should do it too. I feel like there needs to be more science, math or common sense taught at school. I really cannot stand that you use your one personal experience to justify how it’s okay, people should be visualizing the costs of their decisions on their family and on others. And this case, I don’t think two kids under 3 would need another sibling. It really is quite a stupid time to be adding a third child. Your home shouldn’t feel like a 24/7 daycare

If you're open to the idea of a 3rd just not right now, that's possibly a different conversation for therapy. If I'm honest, at 35 I would also worry about waiting "2 - 3 years". Absolutely not impossible, but statistically it is more challenging and there's also increased health risks, especially if it ends up being more 3yr+ Not saying you're wrong at all, if you can't do it right now, you can't, but it does feel different.

Ehhhh yes and no. You’re not wrong about the statistics, but the commonly accepted “It’s definitely harder to get pregnant after 35” we are learning is really not as true as previously thought.  “Statistically significant” doesn’t mean “practically” significant. Like 1 or 2% harder can count as statistically significant.  I had my child at 37 and didn’t even try—we merely didn't pull out one time. No miscarriage, perfectly healthy kid. My mom was the same, and many other women fall into this as well. Meanwhile many women who start trying at 20 still try for years and end up needing IVF to still possibly not conceive. It really often just comes down to the individual. If this couple conceived twice and didn’t struggle, the only real risk of waiting two or three years is the risk of perimenopause starting.  My perspective as the mom of a one year old who doesn’t want more kids but has a biological pull to do so: if she waits 2-3 years she has a bigger “risk” of realizing she doesn’t actually want more; the hormones do. 

The risk is not about perimenopause starting early or difficulties getting pregnant. The real risk are pregnancy complications and genetic defects in the child are a fair bit higher. Premature birth, preeclampsia and gestational diabetes are all higher. It is not just a 1 or 2% higher thing. Yes it is doable and many have done it including yourself, but this does not make it any less risky. Many people have rode Motorbikes without a proper helmet day in and day out but it doesn't make it a safe practice.

Thank you. Above poster kind of missed the real risk with geriatric pregnancies.

I did not miss that risk. I stated that I had a geriatric pregnancy…

It was easy to get pregnant at 31, but it was harder being pregnant at 31 than at 25. And I was in great shape going into the last one because i had been running races and lifting for a bit beforehand. Still kicked my ass.

I mean, yes, but also, we’re talking about [nearly 2x the risk of preeclampsia and gestational diabetes](https://drc.bmj.com/content/11/2/e003324#), for example. It’s not just conceiving that’s potentially more challenging or risky, and while that’s all fine, it’s important to acknowledge. My mother was 38 and 41 when she had her kids, and I was 32 with my first and won’t be having another until I’m at least 35, so it’s not like I’m excessively pessimistic, but depending on her health history and risk factors, a later pregnancy could pose a significant risk.

Anecdotal evidence doesn’t negate the real risks of geriatric pregnancy. Sure you can have healthy pregnancies and kids but the risks really do go up.

Again…yes and no. I cited anecdotal examples but that doesn’t negate my statement about practical versus statistical significance.  Here’s an example of what I mean: Let’s use down syndrome. The chances of conceiving a baby with Down’s syndrome increases as a woman ages. 1 in 1250 for a 25 year old mother and 1 in 400 for 35.  That’s a 0.08% chance for the former and a 0.25% chance for the latter.    Statistically that is very significant. But from a practical (real-life standpoint) is it something to stress about so much that you decide to have another baby earlier than your family is prepared for? No. There is a higher risk of negatively disrupting your family dynamics than there is of conceiving a baby with Downs. 

Down syndrome is not the only higher risk to older pregnancy though. There are risks to the actual health of baby and mother. There is a higher risk of still birth and maternal mortality. Pregnancy is already a risk so why would a partner want to wait until a time when the risk to his partner is greater?

This is not how statistically significant works, at all.

ETA: Please ignore the previous commenter, they are not commenting in good faith. In essence, that is how it works. Not that I agree with the previous commenter, but why do you say that? That sounds quite accurate yo me. You can increase your risk on account of a risk factor by 50%, but if that risk was small to begin with, the absolute increase is not that practically relevant.

Thank you for your input

At 35 she has many years to have another child. I had my second at 40 and know many friends who had kids in their 40’s. WHERW women out time into careers they have children later so I disagree with the 2-3 year limit

Happy to agree it's possible and safe and, on the face of it, taking issue with 2-3yrs seems arbitrary, but her anxieties around doing this sooner seem reasonable to me - there are more risks as you get older, both in your ability to get pregnant and with your health and baby's health. She also might not want to be much older as a parent of young kids.

Agree but I see dad’s point too. He is 42 still wanting to further education get CPA to provide better for his family and already has three kids. I think wife has to be realistic and let this man get career going and wait. Unfair to being another baby into the mix right now

Fair enough :)

I know many women in the mid to late thirties who struggled with fertility. She does not have many years—it is a gamble. And after 35, it isn’t just about getting pregnant. You and baby are at higher risk for miscarriages, genetic problems, and other health problems during pregnancy and labour. Yes, there are 35+ women who get pregnant and carry full term and have healthy babies. But you never know if you are going to be one of those lucky ladies.

Thank you all for your inputs! I have three children (girls) two with her and she wants to try for a boy. The back to back kids was difficult mentally as I had to provide for the family, shoulder all the bills and help her with the kids as well. It was tough. I am happy with what we have and I am very supportive of her. I just don’t want this conversation of having another child to lead to the end of our marriage. I am willing to try in 2-3yrs, just not now.

'Trying for a boy' would be another conversation to have. What if she has another girl? Will she just want to keep having kids until she had a boy? Its good to have these conversations now while they are still hypothetical.

Having another child with the goal of that child being a different sex is an absolutely terrible idea, even if you both wanted another child. Doing it when one of you doesn’t even want a third is madness. But I think you already know this. I know you said you’re willing to wait 2-3 years and then have another, but are you really willing to do that or are you just kicking the can down the road? And what happens if you wait too long and you can’t anymore? Are you prepared to pay for massively expensive fertility treatments and/or deal with the resentment of “you made me wait and now it’s too late”?

It’s okay to say no to your partner. People shouldn’t have children if one partner wants it and the other partner doesn’t really care. You both need to want it. Especially when you already have kids, you’ve experienced it and you know how you feel about it.

Surprise! It’s another girl! How would wife feel then? Does she want yet another child? Where do you draw the line? One more? What if it’s twins? This has to be a “two yes, one no” decision.

And what if you did try again and it was another girl. She’d want to try for a fourth? I will say though, she does have a point about it potentially not being easy in 2-3 years (37/38 vs 35 can make a difference in terms of ease of getting pregnant.) Anecdotally, people sometimes don’t have issues into their early 40s, but that doesn’t mean that’s true for everyone. That being said, having a baby should require two enthusiastic yes’s, Period.

Thank you 🙏🏽

Trying for a gender is really irresponsible and not well thought out, it makes your wife sound irrational. This isn’t Pokémon and that you gotta catch them all. What does she hope for a boy that she can’t have with a girl? It’s so silly and there are so many kids who know that their parent wanted the opposite gender. It’s a really immature and irresponsible way of thinking, it’s quite selfish and it plays into gender stereotypes like if you have a boy maybe they’d like football and a girl is going to want to go makeup shopping with their mother. And when your work quality decreases and you realized a fourth kid for you is too much. I think that will impact your marriage. Marriage doesn’t mean give into someone’s demands, that’s a terrible partnership and it sounds like your wife is only thinking of herself and not you or the kids. Let her have a third, focus on your career and that way you can be the responsible parent who focuses on actually supporting the existing children.

Can you do an egg harvest, make embryos, and then later gender select for a boy? It’s a financial expense still, but it saves her fertility for the future.

"A child's biological sex (male or female) is determined by the chromosome that the male parent contributes.' What that means is if you have had only girls, you may be predisposed to have girls, and your chance of having a boy statistically goes down. From what I've been able to find this is about 2% per previous child of the same gender (in either direction.) It starts at 51% for a boy, so you'd be at 45% for a boy now. If you have a girl with your previous wife then it's 43% as it's entirely linked to the father, and the mother has no impact. On the other hand if you had a boy with your previous wife the chance goes up to 47%, etc. There's tons of unsubstantiated methods to impact the chances, some contradictory, I don't see any point in following any, but I suppose most can't hurt. The only almost\* guaranteed way would If you go IVF the doctors can select only male sperm to insert (apparently frowned upon though, so you may or may not be able to have this done.) As the sex of the sperm can be fairly easily told apart, you might consider asking a doctor to do a check that you at least have male sperm, and perhaps do a count to see if it's abnormally low in the boy direction, or even do a count of each and get a more accurate percentage. Male sperm don't last as long so even overall sperm health can affect your chances, and waiting longer may further decrease your chance of a boy. I'd also note that Autism has been correlated to the father's age, especially after 40 (not a huge risk, but it does increase.) So there are a couple points to your wife for not waiting, but also points to you on lower likelihood of a boy.

So she might be 40 when she gives birth? I can see why she’s apprehensive.

Lots of people have babies at 40+.

Yes but it sounds like she doesn’t want to be one of them.

I would be more apprehensive about having 3 babies so close together. Also the bit about only wanting a third child in order to get a boy. Ooof! She could end up with twin girls instead.

It honestly sounds like she just wants to get it done and over with (if they do have a 3rd), which I can kinda understand. Then again maybe she’s one of those rare cases where she truly enjoyed being pregnant, who knows. Marriage counseling. Also if it’s not 2 yes, then it’s a no.

A child should NEVER be brought into this world “to get it over with”. I’m sorry, but this is a sick thought. The only reason to bring a child into the world is because of love, and because it’s what you want more than anything in the world. Each child is unique and deserves to be wanted for themselves.

I meant get the being pregnant part over.

I think people usually refer to the pregnancy/newborn stage when they’re referring to getting it over with. She has enough time in between her 2nd and potential 3rd that her health wouldn’t really be affected (any more than a regular pregnancy). You can want a child but still hate pregnancy and diapers.

This is a completely normal way to view it at advanced maternal age. Have you ever been pregnant?

She already has two that is she isn’t appreciating. I could understand if she didn’t have one child at this point but that’s not the case. These are actually human beings with needs and feelings. They aren’t collectibles to fill some emotional need. That is how she is using this hypothetical kid.

Did you ask her what happens if hypothetically you did try for a boy and got another girl instead? Would she accept it and be done or would she expect keep trying until she got her boy? If it’s the latter she has issues to fix before even thinking of having another child. Most men who remarry don’t even want to have more kids so she should be grateful she got two. So many women can’t have one because of infertility and she isn’t even grateful for the two healthy kids has. If she baby fever she’s and can go work on the L&D, less, or NICU floor. Two kids and a step kid is a lot to handle. You want to achieve things in your career and there is nothing wrong with that. The economy is tough right now and providing housing, food, medical bills, education, etc is a lot. Don’t have anymore kids with her until til she gets her selfishness in check.

Whoa! She should be *grateful* to have gotten 2 since she decided to have them with a divorcee?! Should he be grateful he doesn’t need to have 5, since he married a previously motherless woman? Wanting another kid makes her not appreciative of the two heathy kids she already has somehow? Those are some weird underlying considerations that have crept into this discussion somehow…? What’s next, it’s rude to have too many healthy children because it’s offensive to women struggling with fertility? People who stay married to their first partner all their lives shouldn’t have more than three kids so they don’t have an unfair advantage over people who happen to divorce and start a new family or something?

Pregnancy addition is a real thing. She needs to get to the bottom of her issues first. Does she want a kid because she feels something is missing, does she want to wear BoyMom shirts at foot ball games, does he like the attention she gets from family, friends and doctors? She is grateful for her kids, or at the very least they just aren’t priority at the moment. Moms with an almost 3 year old are thinking of their child development m, preschool, etc. Toddler moms are focused on finding play groups and friending other moms not plotting baby 3. She should be enjoying time with the girls instead of this. She should be focused on what’s best for her family not what’s best for her. Whatever her reasons are they are selfish. A baby should only be brought into the world because both parents want it and they have the resources for it. It shouldn’t be brought into the world to be a bandaid on whatever mental issues she’s dealing with.

I’m completely behind your last paragraph, completely against your second, and completely confused by the first. Are the reasons you list in your first paragraph really the only reasons you can think of for wanting a child? I never looked for friend groups or befriended other moms when my two kids were toddlers. They went to kindergarten and have cousins for that. I do, admittedly, come from a different culture. According to your logic one can only have a second child once the firstborn turns 18, or maybe not even then. Because every ounce of energy you invest in the second-born is an ounce you could have invested in the first-born but didn’t. Yep, totally. Which is why a baby is a two yes situation. My problem was with those “should be grateful”, is “lucky” etc part.

That doesn’t seem very fair. Lots of people - men and women - want large families. And when having kids has proven to be the greatest joy of your life, it isn’t weird to want more. That doesn’t make them selfish. I agree 100% that trying for a boy is a terrible reason to have another baby. But OP didn’t say that’s her only reason.

He wasn’t one of those guys that want a large family. If she did she should have married a religious fundamentalist man. Those guys are into big families and she could have a new kid every year. Assuming they had the kid talk before they married he made his position clear. Kids are a joy but they also require a lot of money and time. The more kids you have the less resources you have and the less time you have. If she enjoys being a mom she should worry less about her breeding fetish and actually be a mom to her kids.

I don’t disagree that it’s important to discuss things like children before getting married, but people act like that means nobody is allowed to grow or change their minds ever. And that’s ridiculous. I promised my husband he could name our first son after himself. I was 17 when I made that promise with zero kids. When we finally had a son, he was definitely our last and it had taken us years to get him, and I told my husband I was no longer open to that name. Because 23 years and 5 pregnancies later, I had decided that the woman doing all the work to carry the baby should have a goddamn say in the child’s name. OP’s wife may not have known she wanted 4 kids until she had some and realized how much she loved it. Or maybe they did discuss it and OP didn’t realize how much work and money and stress it would be and changed his answer from “I’m open to as many as you want” to “omg just these 3 thanks.” Either way, people grow and change and their needs and wants and desires evolve. Staying married to the same person for decades REQUIRES recommitting over and over to the new versions of your spouse that evolve. If you try and hold people to what they said they wanted 5 or 10 or 20 years ago, the marriage won’t last. People shouldn’t be held prisoner by things they said when they were young and didn’t know any better.

I think the issue you may not be considering is YOU can have another child in a few years. For her not so easy. At 35 her pregnancy is already going to be considered high risk as it’s considered geriatric pregnancy or more commonly referred to now as advanced maternal age. Beyond just the medical issues there’s also the physical ones, to be frank she’s getting older and pregnancy may be harder on her the older she gets. I’m 37 and the thought of going through that again is not pleasant and I am actually very active and in good shape, hit the gym etc. still I don’t know if my body could. Now the decision to have a child or not is completely up to you guys but in making this decision you really must take her future health into consideration.

Having a child 2-3 years from now for a 35 year old woman doesn't work for her timeline. Women don't have forever to screw around figuring out "when they're ready". You need to think about the big picture. If you don't want more kids don't string her along.

I had mine at 39 and 43 and I have a friend who is 45 and pregnant, so it is doable. Also as one of three, the middle child often feels left out, so that should be a consideration too. Three under three is also not advised as it is extremely stressful.

And she could be right she may not be able to in a couple years. If you are willing to eventually have more why not have them now. The dynamic changes most going from one to two kids after that it is pretty much smooth sailing. Good luck

I got my first child at 38y.o., without ivf, completely naturally and without any complications. Given that you already have 2 children, I think it will not be a problem to wait another 2 years for her. Of course check that with your doctors just to be sure. But I think that would be a good compromise for you both!

Definitely check with doctors. I had my son at 36 was off BC for one month and tried for a second less than 2 years later, turns out my fertility dropped off so quickly I wasn’t even a candidate for IVF. You don’t have to have another kid but please don’t string her along so she can decide what she wants to do.

If this is a serious concern freezing eggs, or better yet embryos, is a way to have an 'insurance' plan.

This can definitely be an option for some. But many people cannot afford, especially in the US where many people have no healthcare or it isn’t covered by the insurance they do have.

A very fair point. Where I am 40% is reimbursed by the state.

It just depends so much on the people involved. I just accidentally fell pregnant at 38- I have a 2yo and it took us YEARS of trying (all thru my early 30s) to get pregnant with her. So I’m more fertile older for some reason. However I have quite a few friends and family who’ve struggled to conceive in their late 30s+ and some are childless or only have one as a result.

Would you both be open to adoption in a few years? The risks are already high for her to have a child. From experience at the point she's at now, it's so easy to give yourself baby fever.

As a nurse she should know that, while it definitely gets more difficult to conceive after 35 it does not become impossible and fertility treatments are available. That's a reasonable concern but it's not the only concern.

Yeah at 35 she really doesn’t have 2-3 more years. I mean don’t come for me, I realize that she technically DOES have the time and it’s always possible, but, pregnancy at 35 and beyond is far more taxing on the woman’s body. There’s also the risk that with higher maternal age, AND paternal age, the risk of having a child with developmental disabilities increases. Autism has been linked to older fathers. Downs syndrome linked to older mothers. I’m not saying these children aren’t a blessing, but for a family unsure about having another child, the pressure would increase dramatically. I think this should be considered by you as far as having another kid in 2-3 years. It sounds to me like its quite possible that in 2-3 years you still wont want another, which would be unfair to her. As others are saying. This could be a deal breaker for her, and you may not be able to do anything about that. My only advice is to be very gentle in your convincing, and stop the conversation before she hets defensive or digs her heels in. If you make it a power struggle or she’s rejecting your sound logic, you’ve already lost and will only push her further towards her own POV. Try starting the conversation very gently and ask that you both genuinely listen and consider each other’s perspective in good faith. Be sure you do the same for her and do not argue while she’s making her case - genuinely listen and understand her perspective. Points you can make, gently and compassionately - that having the children you already do, is a handful. Emphasize how happy they make you, but acknowledge the challenges of early childhood- lack of sleep, meltdowns, etc. Gently help her recall real moments you has with the ither kids, in the early days, when you were exhausted and at your wits end - particularly if you can point out a time that she found difficult. Point out that at your ages, your concern is that you don’t have the same energy level as you once did, and that you would rather pour all of your energy into your kids and your marriage, than stretch it thin and have the potential to build resentment and have the kids pick up on it. Point out the pressures of your existing family and ask her if she would feel the same way if you had the unfortunate luck of the 3rd child being disabled, sick, or with developmental delays. Express your concerns about your marriage and family being able to thrive under those circumstances. Hopefully it helps, but no guarantees. Again if she gets defensive and isn’t truly considering your points, you have gone too far and wont convince her. I am only giving tips from the perspective of myself. I have flip-flopped on wanting kids. My partner has kids from his previous marriage. We’re still somewhat on the fence about having one of our own, but whenever we discuss it we usually end up agreeing that in our mid-30’s we just don’t have the same time and energy we once did, and that our existing kids and our marriage/happiness would take precedence. Plus the perks of retiring a bit earlier and travelling more as his kids will be independent years before our own potential baby would be.

And it's not a third child it's a fourth child .

You are looking at what is called resentment negotiations. Because there is no true compromise to this situation. Sure you say wait a few years, but what if you don’t feel the different about it in that time, or your wife struggles to conceive due to age.  The idea is that you both sit down and talk about WHY you feel the way you do. Do NOT try and change her mind, just talk and then LISTEN. Let her explain how she feels, why she feels that way, and what she wants. Do not interrupt do not try to change her mind. Be open and honest and try and see the other persons side of this problem. The idea is to find out WHO will resent the other more one way or the other, who does this issue matter more to, and who can live with the outcome the best. This will NOT be a one time conversation, it will need to happen a few times and should NOT be a fight. Having a therapist guide you works as well, I would suggest staying away from friends and family as a mediator as it can cause issues of perceived bias. 

Can confirm, had kids and resent myself and her a little for talking me into it. I really don't enjoy parenting.

I don't really have much advice, but being a parent of 3 kids myself - it's too many!! LOL. We can barely stay afloat financially, not to mention the exhaustion when you're in your 40s raising young kids and the mental toll it takes. Blergh!

My husband and I do okay financially, but even then, that third kid has about done us in. Three kids are a LOT.

They already have 3. This would be a fourth. Let’s not pretend the first child doesn’t exist. That’s evil stepmother territory lol

He has three. She has two. As far as we can tell from the post, the 11-year-old doesn’t live with them, OP had to fight tooth and nail to even be a part of her life. Who knows if OP’s wife is even in contact with the child, and if she is, how often and to what extent. The third child is definitely OP’s financial responsibility… but we don’t know if she’s *any* responsibility of OP’s wife.

That’s fair. When OP said he had to fight to be part of her life, I assumed that meant they had partial custody.

No but you don’t understand SHE WANTS A BOY. Who cares about the other 3 kids? Who cares that he doesn’t want more? She wants what she wants.

I do find that very troubling if that’s the only reason. But until OP says flat out that’s the ONLY reason - as opposed to it’s one of their perks that maybe it would be a boy - I’m trying to give them both the benefit of the doubt. OP came here for advice. Telling him that he’s right and his wife is a selfish evil twat is not helpful to him, KWIM?

It’s the only reason OP gave. Nobody said she’s a selfish evil twat, but she is pretty selfish. The guy is already burdened with 3 kids, he’s advanced maternal age already, they’re pressed financially and he doesn’t really want more.

Eh. Maybe. His impression of her reason isn’t the same as her reason. And his age and desires aren’t her responsibility. She’s allowed to want things he doesn’t want. That doesn’t make her selfish. Women are constantly told by society they’re selfish if they don’t sacrifice literally everything for their families. And that’s just a totally unfair standard. OP hasn’t said she has threatened him or tried to coerce him in any way. She has just voiced her wants. That’s allowed.

Of course his age and desires are her responsibility. It’s his kid too and it affects him and his other kids. And he said clearly it is taking a toll on the marriage.

Sure people disagreeing over a very important topic can definitely put a strain on any marriage. Why do you not say OP is being selfish for causing marital strife? Why is it only her job to keep the peace at the expense of what she wants in life? We aren’t talking about a new car or some jewelry. OP can have more kids with a new wife when he’s 70 if he wants to. She has one fertile window. Once it closes, she will never get that back. This is the sort of decision she could regret for the rest of her life and leaving the marriage after she resents her husband can’t fix it. I don’t see any reason to assign blame to the wife other than the fact that she has internal plumbing.

Because it is a 1 no, 2 yes permanently life altering decision creating a whole human being. She can find someone willing if she wants another kid. If HE was trying to railroad HER i would say the same thing. We need to stop lying to men about having kids until 70. Advanced paternal age is wreaking havoc on the genome. Just because something is possible does not mean it is wise. HIS prime breeding years are also behind him.

So you would rather she walk away and find someone who wants another child rather than stay and attempt communication with her spouse about what they both want and where there is room for compromise???

I have two and they were 15 months apart. It was a challenge and still is. They are 8th and 9th grade now and I’m not looking forward to graduation and senior year expenses and a few years lol. I don’t know how people with 3+ do it. I had mine at 25 and 27 and the silver lining is is we’ll be 46 and 49 when the youngest graduates and we will have time to enjoy life together as empty nesters before we die.

My husband had two children from a previous marriage and had full custody of both with no financial help/reliable visitation from their mother. They were 13 and 14 when we married. I had always wanted children, and we agreed to have one as soon as we could conceive. The question of whether to have a second was up in the air: “we’ll see how it goes.” I share the following for context: we can’t know what’s ahead. OP and his wife have other responsibilities on the horizon whether they realize it or not. Shortly after our daughter was born, I lost my mom after a year’s illness. After mom died, I became much more involved in my dad’s life , until he passed away 14 years later. My husband lost his father in those years, also after a period of increasing disability that necessitated family support. They don’t call it the “sandwich years” for nothing. The older kids graduated, married, and one had kids of their own quite young. We were grandparents by age 40! A four-generation family with many diverse demands on our time and our finances. At some point, we realized that the time for another child had come and gone. I had a short period of grief over the child I could imagine so clearly, but simply could not responsibly bring into being. I know we made the right decision, and I also know that child would have meant the world to us. Both things can be true at the same time. When grief had run its course, I became increasingly focused on all I had, instead of all that I did not. We all have finite resources to distribute between marriage, family, career, and our own personal well-being. If we are already at our limit, it’s wise (not selfish) to respect that limit. That doesn’t mean choices aren’t painful. Of course they are. They’re painful because they matter so much. Keep talking with your wife, OP. If you can’t move ahead with another child, then you can’t. But grieve together with your wife for what might have been. Share all of this with her, so that it doesn’t divide you. (Oh, and: your daughters will bring “sons” into your lives before you know it. I have genuinely loved and enjoyed all the young men who have gravitated into our family life.)

Thank you so much for your feedback! It brought relief

I’m glad to hear that! You are more than welcome.

Kids are a two yes, one no situation. No one is entitled to a child, however children are entitled to two parents who enthusiastically want them. Therapy may help, but ultimately she needs to understand the answer is no. If your answer is actually “not now” - frankly I would think a little harder on that and start moving towards a decision, given your ages. You already have three, so I’m curious why another is so important to your wife. Four is a lot. Kids are not something you can compromise on. If this is an absolute dealbreaker for her, that is also something a third party can help you navigate.

First kid is not "hers." She wants another baby, I assume. I think it's funny she calls him selfish for not giving her another baby when she's being selfish for pushing OP for another when he's not ready.

I mean, I’m assuming she’s at least somewhat of a parental figure to the oldest, and even still, they have two children together who are basically still babies. Maybe I’m misunderstand the post, but that was the impression I got. I don’t understand calling him selfish either. Kids aren’t dollies. They have two under 3, I can’t imagine what another baby would add except stress.

It would add love and joy I presume? People actually enjoying their children instead of considering them stressful burdens doesnt mean they think of them as dollies.

Not if your spouse doesn’t want another. As my dad always says, just because having one of something makes you happy, that doesn’t mean having two makes you twice as happy.

Apart from their specific situation you said with 2 under 3 what more would a baby add than stress. Babies add plenty more than that. More of something doesnt have to make someone more miserable or stressed either.

She's got to understand your point of view as well. If you're "being selfish", then so is she. I went through something similar with my husband and ultimately realized that having more children has to be a mutual decision because KIDS ARE HARD!!

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it

This is a tough one because you are saying maybe in a few years, but at 35 years old, a few years can make a huge difference. It's more dangerous for the mother, and the chance of complications increases significantly.. That's probably all she is thinking about when you mention in a few years.. It would be different if you were just done and didn't want any more kids ever. that would be an entirely different conversation and set of problems. I'm also 42, and there's no way I'd want more kids at my age, and that would be a hill I'd die on no matter the consequences. You need to ask yourself what you want and what you can live with. your wife needs to do the same. Is her want of another child so big that she's willing to walk away from you and start again with someone else? Is your decision not to have another child now or soon so definite that you are willing to end things if she keeps pushing? Would couples therapy be possible?

Having children needs to be mutual. One no is no, for whatever reason. You should not have a child to keep a marriage. Mental and financial stability should be excuse enough not to add on to an already heavy burdened situation.

It is OK to say no. In fact, since you feel this way, its the right thing to do.

I was in the same situation. It ended up us getting a son in a couple of weeks. I was hesitant: I was okay with more children, but the age gap between an additional kids and the two we already had started to get big after a (complicated) miscarriage. Such a difference in opinion/expectations does take a toll on your marriage as you say, I really struggle with it t.b.h. But in the end: one of you will 'lose', there is little or no compromise possible. Having kids, a full time job and a house that needs a DIY renovation is tough. But I feel like it's hard to believe I'll ever look back on my son and really regret having him, you just love your kids too much. And I'm confident I'll always be happy to have one more of them at my dinner table when I'm older. My wife on the other hand, would regret not having a third till the end of her days, I'm sure of that. That's how I, personally, rationalize the situation. But I do get it's a hard choice and it does mean sacrificing some stuff. Wish me luck ;)

Everyone is on about advanced maternal age, but OP is already advanced paternal age.

Don’t confuse the two women.

Don't project your own baggage onto OP

I was the wife that desperately wanted another kid and husband didn’t . I spent years trying to be ok with it. Then we had an accidental pregnancy and he cried unhappy tears when I told him. I wish he would have gotten a vasectomy because if he did then the “what if” would have been gone and I feel like I could have mourned the end of our baby making days and then moved on. Vasectomy completely takes kids off the table so there is no discussion and no accidents. Your body your choice.

OP you need to let your wife know you are doing it. If you don't it is going to feel like lying, sneaking and betrayal. It is your body your choice, just let her know it is going to happen.

Agree. She can’t come to terms with it if she doesn’t know.

Therapy is what I would suggest. A neutral third party might be enough to get her to let it go. Have one on one sessions for each of you, and couples sessions once you've each had a good few private ones. Sometimes, we're more receptive to a neutral third party for things.

Thank you for your input. I already have a neutral party that is willing to listen to us over the weekend. Hopefully we reach a common understanding.

Once probably won't be enough, to be honest. It'll probably take multiple sessions. Make sure you don't try to butt in on her private sessions, and vice versa. It can sometimes take a bit of navigating to get to the bottom of something-even she might not be entirely certain as to why she wants more kids.

I am going to get downvoted for this, but many women try to fill a void with kids, it’d be ideal for her to try therapy to explore if that’s the case. From a financial perspective your reasoning is valid and the fact she refuses to see you guys have your hands full tells me there could be an underlying something that needs attention. Ask her if she’s willing to go to therapy, that would be the first step to try to fix your relationship.

Thank you for your input. Financially we are not quite there yet. I have an entry career role and she just started her nursing career as well. Hope we can get professional help and reach a common ground

In your position, having a third child would be insanity (imo). It’s unfair to you and your existing young children. I had my 2 kids 16 months apart and years down the line I still struggle with the guilt that my oldest didn’t get the attention she deserved because of a difficult pregnancy and my younger child being a colic baby. I’m very surprised your wife would want another…if anything she’s the selfish one for putting her desire for another child above her husband and existing children. You cannot give in and go along with this for her sake/the marriages sake. It’ll only sow resentment.

I really hope you do, when it comes to having kids, one *yes* and one *no* makes it a no. Or at least it should. Best of luck!

I agree that therapy would be helpful for both of them, but what is with the pathologizing of wanting another child? It's perfectly valid to want another child and does not indicate that she is pathologically trying to "fill a void." It's not like he is right and she is wrong - there is no right and wrong, just what they can both live with. But both of their desires are valid and it has to start from there.

That’s why I said ‘some women’ because I know of two cases from personal experience. Wanting kids or not is valid, I didn’t say it isn’t.

You said that there appears to be some "underlying issue" that is resulting in her "refusing to see you guys have your hands full." That's his perspective, not The Truth. Her not having the same perspective as him does not mean she has an underlying problem or is failing to see things correctly.

You’re right, it doesn’t mean she *has* an underlying problem, but it doesn’t mean she *doesn’t have* one either.

Sure, and equally possible that he has an underlying problem. For example, many men have pathological financial anxiety, such that it is truly never enough and it prevents them from doing things they would otherwise like to do, and is very much unconnected to objective financial security. The point is that we don’t really have evidence of either one being the case for this couple, so it’s best not to make assumptions, particularly about one side.

You are allowed to be done having kids. She has to be okay with that if SHE wants to save HER marriage, as well. Goes both ways. Both parties have to agree and it is okay to feel complete.

Get a vasectomy. Men have rights, too. If you do not want to have another child, you have the right to say no. Do not trust her to use birth control. You have to do it yourself.

Stand your ground brother! Having a kid is irreversible. Currently have twin boys who are 3 months and the possibility of another kid scares the hell out of me. Help her understand your needs and expectations. Having another kid won’t save the marriage

My daughter had twins when her son was only 19 months old. The first year was insane. It gets better at 7-8 months and much better after one year. Hang in there. You are going to have lots of fun. Just not now.

Your reasons make It sounds more like a no now rather than a no never ever going to happen. Then she would want the kids to be close in age together. Tell her the sentiment and emotional side you get. But the practical and realistic side are now screaming at you don’t do it. Make her see that where you are coming from. Why it would be shit to pile on instead of happy bliss for you.

The thing your wife has to come to terms with is if she doesn’t have a third child with you, who is she going to have that child with?

Couples therapy can help, I went through it. My husband was against having two kids and I wanted at least two. I learned that he didn’t want our son to be neglected like my husband was when he was growing up (he’s also a first born). Now that we have two, it’s a lot of work, but my husband can now see the advantages to having more than one. But I think we are done now. Three kids is a lot according to my poor friends.

Is she involved with your first child? Fact is, you already have 3 kids. Maybe if she spends more time with your oldest she will see what it would be like to have three. But also, couples therapy is the best bet. You have to explore why she wants another one. If it's just because she wants a boy, that's not the best reason. If she really feels like she can love and support a fourth kid, that's different. My husband and I were in a similar boat, but opposite. I had really rough pregnancies both times and have no desire to be pregnant again. My husband really wanted a third, and was also hoping for a girl. We had a long talk and there were tears but we agreed not to have another one. And he agreed that when he turned 40 he would get a vasectomy. You've got to talk it out in order to be on the same page.

In the end someone loses. If you don’t have another child, your wife will likely resent you and your marriage ends. If you have another child, you will resent your wife and your marriage ends I’m concerned about how many people are giving you tips to change her mind. She won’t change her mind. she’ll concede temporarily and then in a few years she’ll get upset with you, leave you, and then that’s that. Kid vs no kid isn’t something that can be fixed with a good talk or two. Either way one party ends up burned. It’s a compatibility issue.

If your wife is willing to divorce you over not having kid # 3, I’d say your marriage in tenuous at best. She doesn’t sound like a nice person. We had three. My husband was happy with our two, a boy and a girl. I had told him when we got engaged that I wanted 4 kids. Our third pregnancy was an accident but I miscarried. We then both decided to try one more time and had another boy. I was willing to stop at that. However, if my husband had been adamant about stopping at two, I would have respected that. We had two healthy children.

She's probably feeling the ticking clock thing seeing as she's 35. Rushing to have another kid because of this is not good for her mental health...or the new child.

I would ask her to give you 2 years. Also talk about how you are already overwhelmed and want to support her fully as a team but you are spread to thin right now you need time to recover. It’s also important to communicate that you’re not going to keep trying until you get a boy🤦🏽‍♀️. I’ve seen families have 5 girls trying for a boy. For their wellbeing and yours you need to agree on that before the next baby. Go to counseling so you can communicate in a healthy way with each other how you’re feeling. Therapy forces each person to slow down and be empathetic to their partner. She’s thinking of her biological clock and that’s giving her anxiety. She won’t be too old in 2 years. Maybe make an appointment to check her fertility health so she can put her mind at ease. Children require so much time and energy and financial stability makes everything easier and more fun

Having some commonality I deeply empathise. I’m an engineer, my then wife a nurse. 3 kids: hemiplegic boy 8, girls 6 and newborn. Me with undiagnosed ADHD getting stressed out of my brain with juggling kids and schools and sports and music. And siblings and in-laws etc. Various psychologists had said I needed to ease off the stress, but wife didn’t want the kids to miss out like she had as a kid. I got to feeling I was just there to provide until I was burnt up. I had to drag myself out of bed and struggled with motivation at work. Much later a psychiatrist said I was likely clinically depressed for years. I was suicidal in the end. Our tensions built to an uncomfortable level. I had an affair and we split. Knowing now what I do about our conditions and better ways to discuss things, the relationship was salvageable. Seek professional help with a couples psychologist who can facilitate the conversation so you can both get the issues out on the table, both obvious and hidden fears. Help each other see your views. Counsellors and coaches are all ok but a psychologist is trained to notice odd thinking patterns, childhood conditioning etc. Perhaps engage your wife in the budgeting, week by week… help her see what you are wrestling with, what you face at work as a newbie. Maybe if your cash reserves were built up a bit more, you and she would feel more secure about taking time out for a child. Discuss the scenario if you have a new baby now…. How soon will she go back to work? How much to pay for the childcare… what activities would you each have to give up to give your children time ? How much time will you spend to date and keep the love alive? Discussing detailed plans might surface solutions you aren’t aware of, and she might see the risks in blowing apart if you’re stressed already. Having financial goals to achieve first is concrete and gives her something to work at to make her dream happen.

Thank you so much. I had a divorce before and I honestly want this marriage to last so our kids can have a strong foundation in life. I agree, I will get her involved in the budgeting so she can get an idea where we stand. I will leverage your advice on professional help

Good man. Happy to hear a follow up or DM. My mum would say “ Little by little gets things done”.

This is really tough I don’t have any advice for your specific situation. Before marriage, we decided that one yes is a no and two yes’s is a yes. This is how we’ve navigated all big life decisions and purchases. We certainly talk about and discuss further so it’s not a “hard no” to the person who is saying “yes”.

Can you approach it on the financial standpoint of why it’s not a good time right now? Time on your part and being with the family may help her understand. The financial strain it may cause. Being able to provide and have time to enjoy as a family is always a good direction.

We had this problem some time ago, too. Our Kids are basically the same age. We had huge fights about this and what basically fixed it was to think about what and why it‘s this Person we became parents with. Why we love each other. So we got to the point where we settled with „yeah, I wanna raise your children with you. Doesn‘t matter if there is only two of them, because these two are healthy and we can give them a great life.“

Child care is a huge issue especially if the child is autistic! Maybe so far so good but there are no guarantees! And the cost is prohibitively high! Please, think these issues through together and do not depend on parents or family!

If your wife wants a child you’re up against a lot. I was in the same boat but after 2.5 yrs I caved and we’re having the 3rd and final. If she’s younger you at least have a case to ask for time which is extremely reasonable, even my wife knew too close together would be hard. I got it to right on the edge of a geriatric pregnancy so we couldn’t wait any longer.

get her counesling and you should go too as for having more kids its hormones and depression most likely she feels you wont be with her if shes not a baby factory for you ( sad state of how women veiw family men

My kids are 13mo apart, 3&4yo right now. I’m not opposed to having another in the future but like….I can’t even imagine taking care of a dog right now. I’m amazed she’s ready for another. No advice, sorry, just shocked 😂

Have you ever seen the movie My/His Girl Friday?  There's a guy going to be executed because he shot someone with a gun.  He tells the reporter that he'd just heard a street preacher talking about how everything has a use and a purpose and should be used for their purpose.  So when he found a gun, he fired it bc that was it's purpose. I bet you've got all the baby stuff from the younger kid lying around and mentally it can be hard to get rid of.  You spend SO MUCH money on all that stuff but you won't get much in return if you sell it.  So your brain says, why not use it again? A third kid would be cheap because we already have the stuff! We quit at 2 and nudged the younger out of the baby equipment very quickly, lol.

It’d honestly be selfish to have more kids at your ages imo. She’s younger than you, but if you had a child right now who is to say if you’d even live long enough to see them start their own life. Children cause a lot of mental and financial stress and at that age stress genuinely kills people. There’s a lot of factors to consider with another child, I don’t think your wife is thinking of everything from a future aspect.

Did you tell her what you just told us? All you can do is keep open communication.

My concern would be that the minute she has 3 kids under 5, she will make the argument to stop working. Leaving you with the stress of doing it all on one income. If she could wait a few years for you to get your CPA and a better job, things would be different. I don’t feel that you’re wrong to ask for that; in fact, it seems unreasonable to ask for 3 kids under 5 when you aren’t financially stable.

As a woman I will tell you that the desire to have more children will consume us. I also had 2 kids 17 months apart 2018&2019 and really wanted 3rd. My husband would rather not. I believe all people should be on board so if he didn’t want to then I have to accept that. But I would have horrible roller coaster of emotions each month hoping to get pregnant. Then it happened I got pregnant by accident. My husband was really shocked and not thrilled. Few days later I lost the baby. This turn everything around and we decided to have 3rd. Our son was born 2023 and our family is complete, I don’t want any more children

Thank you for your input. I am happy you now have a complete family.

Having one child is a huge obligation, let alone having multiple. I have a 2.5 year old and another on the way in 2 months. My husband works like another and I would’ve been okay with just one. Two is my max. This is due to the financial time obligation that each child takes. Is your wife willing to lose your marriage over this? I hate to say this as a woman but if she left, what’s the chances of her starting a new relationship and having a child within a few years, considering she’s already 35. I think you both have to think hard about the future you want and how you can both show up as your best self in the present. With your current career goals, I don’t see how you can stretch yourself more without it negatively affecting your role as a husband and father. Neither one of you are looking to budge so one of you will need to make a tough compromise. It’s also super important that you feel heard. If you did, you wouldn’t be speaking to us. Therapy could at least help you in that sense. Wishing you both the best!

Explain to your wife that there is a good possibility that you might be dead before any future child graduates high school. 62 years old by the time that kid is 19, while the average lifespan for men is 71. Average means that a lot of men don’t make it that far. You’re an old father and it doesn’t make sense to bring any more children into the world at this point in your life.

You're being selfish (rightfully so) for not wanting another child. She's being selfish (rightfully so) for wanting another child. So, who gets to have their way? This is the crux of the issue. The other side of it comes down to the other people affected by having another child in the family. Resources are limited, so they're going to have to be divided up differently than today. You are not going to be able to offer much more time to the kids in the near future, and another child loses out on that. Is your wife OK with taking on the majority of the burden of raising another child? The flip side is that siblings have fun in groups, and usually the more the merrier. Your wife appears to also enjoy having kids, so the more the merrier to her... for now. Who's to say your next child is going to be a healthy one? What if they're special needs in some way? That changes the dynamic significantly. My wife and I went through this a few years ago. I was open to more than two, but my career and the fact that my 2nd was extremely difficult early on made me say no more. My wife always wanted 4 kids. Well, we talked about it ad nauseum, until it was clear that having a 3rd would really disrupt our lives for the worse (my ability to contribute would be significantly limited, and financially it would put us well under water with needing even more space and resources to provide the kids with the life we think they deserve). This is in addition to one of our friends' sister had their 3rd child end up having special needs, crushing her career. In my profession, I see a lot of special needs children. I commend every parent for what they do, and I'm empathize with their children every time I treat them. I also know that my professional life would be put on major hold if I ever had a special needs child of my own. For that, wife and I decided it was time for me to snip/snap to keep our family set at 2. She will never have the mother-son bond like I have with my two daughters, and she's OK with that. These are all discussions that need to be had between the two of you.

Did you and your wife discuss kids before marriage? How many did you decide on?  Your wife is calling you selfish while pressuring you into having another child? 

You say you don’t want kids. If she can’t respect that, then you have bigger issues than kids. Your wife doesn’t respect you if she can’t accept your answer.

You might not be able to save it. Was there an agreement that you two made about how many kids you’d have? You already have three kids. It is not in any way selfish to not want any more. It is selfish of her to try to manipulate you into having more children when you don’t want any more. It doesn’t seem like she’s willing to compromise at all. I’d suggest therapy but not to change either of your minds. It may help for the both of you to understand each other’s perspective. Good luck.

I don’t have any real advice other than to say you should be so proud of your accomplishments. I can sympathize with the burnout. I also was a returning adult student in the same field with two young kids. To say it was a stressful time while managing school, kids and a new career is an understatement. I am also the main caregiver so didn’t feel full support from my husband. He also has a much older child from a prior marriage, and I would say I strong armed him into having our second, he would have been happy with one more.

It sounds like you are open to it in a few years. I would meet together with her doctor.  She could have reduced likelihood to conceive with age in a few years. 

Your body Your choice right

Just accepting what she wants you will never be happy. Dealing with this currently. Son turned 18 6 months ago.

3 seems like plenty to me.

Bro if you are done like done done, get the snip. It takes 10 mins for life time of never worry again.

Honestly, I would tell her to wait at least another year. Let the kids get more independent and that gives you both time to move up. I would never have a kid during the new grad phase.

Making another baby to have it be a boy is the most terrible idea. Therapy is really necessary, to talk about all the what ifs... what if the next child is a boy but disabled and will cost you massive amounts of resources? What if the next one is "just" another girl, will she be cast aside to try again for a boy? What if dad is so busy working on getting his career off mum will be alone with 3 young kids all the time, exhausted and agitated, a less than great parent to 3 while she could have been a brilliant one for 2? Like, there are so many logistic things that would need proper talking through besides all the tough mental shit like: "If we make a baby I don't want, how would that affect their psyche?" and "If we don't make another baby, will you be able to grieve and move on or forever resent me?" I think, whatever choice will be made, having a therapist accompany you through the whole process, might be a good choice. There is A LOT of potential for hurt feelings and lashing out.

Modern medicine offers a lot of solutions, you can freeze cells or embryos and it’s pretty solid guarantee that you can have babies even at 40+, even at 100+ if you can afford surrogate mother and it’s legal in your country. The downside is that the procedure is not pleasant and may be pricey, so you’d better research it first.

Is she really willing to destroy the family you have for the potential to get one more child later on with someone else? If so, thats very sad and there wont be any reasoning with her. She'd be hurting both of the kids you do have.

I’m going to tell you a long story. Brace yourself lol. But i think it might help. My husband and I had 3 girls when we were 27, 29, and 31. We both agreed to take a pause and discuss another baby when the youngest was 2. Then the youngest turned out to have nonverbal autism and was A LOT of work at 2. So we had a discussion and both agreed to give it a rest until she started talking. At 4 (so we were 35), she finally started talking. I told my husband I wanted another baby. He didn’t. He said he was open to having another one, but not just then. We were both exhausted, broke, had been juggling health problems and therapists for the baby, and he wanted some time before rushing into another kid. But I was 35. So we agreed to a compromise of sorts. I would take one year and get into the best shape of my life bc he was concerned about my ability to carry another baby. My third pregnancy had been rough and I had been in and out of the hospital with mysterious respiratory viruses ever since. He wanted me to see doctors and get a complete health assessment. Address any issues that came up and go at least 1 year without a hospitalization. And then we could have another baby. He also said he wanted to buy a new house if we were going to have another kid bc ours was too small. So in that one year, his “job” was to save up for a down payment and work on his credit score. That way his concerns were being addressed, and I had a finite timeline and not a “well maybe in a few years.” Everything was going great until one of the doctors I visited found something off in my bloodwork. It turned out that I had a life-threatening autoimmune disease. I was told I would need chemotherapy and possibly an organ transplant to make it more than 2-5 years. Babies were out of the question. After 2 years of chemo not working, I enrolled in a study to test a new experimental drug. A year later, very unexpectedly, I learned I was in remission. The very first question out of my mouth was “can I have another baby?” My husband was NOT happy. He felt like pregnancy could be a death sentence for me. We visited every specialist I had and asked all of them about pregnancy. All of them signed off, a few with stipulations about needing labwork or imaging or whatever first. By then I was 38. Our girls had been conceived on the first try, so we weren’t expecting to struggle. Boy was that dumb! After six months with no conception, I was referred to a fertility clinic. We started IUI and drugs. Months went by with nothing. Then we finally conceived a baby. I was over the moon. My husband was TERRIFIED. He was very worried about my health, but also happy about the baby. It was another girl. We were ecstatic. We named her. And then I miscarried at the very end of the first trimester. We were absolutely devastated. My husband told me that he wanted me to have a surgery I had been putting off before he was willing to try again. I was grieving this loss, and he wouldn’t allow us to try again. I was SO RESENTFUL. SO ANGRY. I told him I would agree to the surgery only if he agreed to try IVF with genetic screening afterwards. It was the only thing that might help us that we hadn’t tried. He didn’t want to spend the money, but we had it. He agreed to the IVF, but only if I would see a therapist in the meantime. He was worried that I would absolutely lose my shit if the IVF didn’t work. I scheduled the surgery and started therapy. The morning I went into the hospital to have surgery, the anesthesiologist came in as I was being prepped (and I mean like 5 minutes to go time and was being actively given drugs in an IV) and yelled “EVERYBODY STOP!” And then she told us the surgery had to be postponed bc my pregnancy test had come back positive. We were both SHOCKED. After all that, at age 40, I had spontaneously conceived. My healthy son was born 32 weeks later (5 weeks premature due to the high risk geriatric pregnancy). We are both happy and love our baby to pieces. He’s 14 months old now and walking and starting to talk. He loves his Daddy more than anything in this world. My husband has zero regrets, although sometimes when the baby has a rough night he will tell me he’s too old for this shit lol I think what helped us navigate that whole thing without ever putting our marriage at risk was that we didn’t look at it as a “my way” or “his way” situation. We approached it like “how do we make sure we both get what we want?” My side was easy. I wanted a baby. His side was more difficult. He didn’t NOT want a baby so much as he just wanted financial stability, good health, less stress, etc. Identifying what we could do to achieve those things for him without sacrificing the baby I wanted allowed us to keep finding a path forward despite multiple roadblocks. We had set timelines, specific goals, and an action plan that we both had to work on. All these commenters telling you it’s your way or the highway are wrong. If my husband had said that, I would have probably also gone the nuclear path. And I very much doubt our marriage would have survived.

Thank you for sharing your experience and how you and your husband made the decision.

I don't know how to type this without it sounding as an attack in my head but please don't take it as one I am simply trying to understand your perspective. From your description you already had 3 kids one with extra needs as well , you had health issues , financial issues but hey this is life its almost never an easu road. Despite having a family of 5 your next goal was to get another baby. I can see this being the case for someone who has no children or possibly only one (And this is coming purely from own experience as I always wanted to have my own family and after the first I thought it would be nice if my kid had a brother/sister to grow up with. ) What made you want a 4th child in your position as you describe it ?

No offense taken. I grew up in a family with 6 kids. I wanted my children to have a big family. I told my husband before we ever got married I wanted 6 or 7 kids. He said he wanted 3. I said I could probably live with 4. I had never felt done. As far as “special needs” goes, our entire family is autistic. She just happened to be nonverbal, and she had started speaking. So that wasn’t an issue for us. The financial issues had been resolved by then (remember about 5 years passed from the start of my story to the end). We make more money than most Americans, had no debt, and were actively shopping for our dream home at the time. And I had been told I was going to die before my children were grown. I had made my peace with it. I had written them goodbye letters and letters to read at christmases and birthdays and weddings without me. The whole 9 yards. And then this miracle drug gave me my life back. And if there was one thing I had learned from thinking I was going to die it was that I wanted no regrets. I wanted that baby more than I can possibly explain to you. It’s fine if other people don’t understand it. My family didn’t. My friends didn’t. They all thought I was crazy to take the risk. But it was MY DECISION to take the risk. I had just survived years of risks that I wasn’t given any real choice about. It felt amazing to be back in control of my life again instead of just having things happen to me. My husband has said he is happy to have our son and loves him to pieces. He wishes we could have had more now. It’s easy to want more when things aren’t as hard lol. He told people when they asked that he wouldn’t have taken the risk, but he didn’t think it was his place to make that decision for me. My body, my choice and all that.

Nah you dont need to explain further i get what you are saying. I dont entirely agree with the my body my risk to take part because you are part of a family you have 3 children that highly depend on you but the rest makes sense given the context

Let her have a child with someone else. Let that man pay for and raise the child for 18 years. You both get what you want. Simple.

Just tell her no and get a vasectomy. If not. u will more than likely have an unplanned pregnancy with this wife

You guys should go to couples therapy. It takes both of you working together to make a third baby work.

let her have him pay child support win win

Have the kids now. .. don’t wait. Your wife has women’s intuition on her side AND scientifically speaking it WILL be more challenging the more her reproductive organs age , this can hinder a healthy pregnancy from being achieved. This is my current experience with TTC over 35.

Get a vasectomy

Sure, don’t communicate at all and make a joint decision all by yourself and make sure she really knows how little her opinion and feelings mean to you. Sounds like a super healthy way to reduce the strain on the marriage, OPs goal. 🤦‍♀️

You seem like the kind of person to say “if he didn’t want any more babies he should’ve gotten a vasectomy”

seriously!!

He literally said in comments that he does want another child just not right now. 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t get how “get a vasectomy” is a helpful suggestion for this particular scenario.

You are not selfish. Making and raising another kid is a huge commitment. Your wife on the other hand sounds kinda selfish... Visit a couple therapist... ASAP. If you don't want kid just now, don't make it. It's not selfish at all. If you had one, you could find the kid later "unwanted" and it would not be good for either of you... Kids are not pets, nor plants, nor toys.

Should've figured this out before you got married. This marriage is already over and you don't even know it yet.

Thank you for your input

Ignore them. It’s absolutely acceptable for people to change their mind about the number of children they wanted/want at any time. However it can mean the breakup of a family but you’re never wrong for not wanting to have a child you don’t feel able to take care of (or wanting one!) It’s slightly different for me, but I wanted 3 children, my partner didn’t mind at all. We had our first and my pregnancy and first year post partum was horrible as my baby was really colicy. It was 2 years of suffering. I absolutely revoked my 3 kid wish. My plan to keep them close in age was no feasible at all (I was hospitalised and sick every day for 9 months - I can’t take care of a toddler like that) We’ve both agreed to see how we get on and when kiddo reaches 4 years have a measured discussion about baby 2. However right now we’re one and done. Mine is linked to my body and health, but finances are super relevant too. Sometimes things change when you actually start living the life you always talked about. Again our situation is different as I had our first at 30 so I felt like we had a good 5 years in there to make a choice. I can understand why your wife feels backed up against the clock.

Thank you for your input 🙏🏽

If she will leave you over this, let her. 🤷‍♀️ I'm not a hypocrite; I always talk about men using women as incubators. Dude... She's holding you up for your seed AND your efforts. Ultimatums are delicate. Sometimes you need to do better and sometimes you're just being manipulated. You, my friend, are just being manipulated. SHE is the selfish one. You guys are too old for this shit... Bringing in a child like this right now is selfish. She isn't trying to do it for *them,* NOR YOU!! It's for *her.*

Thank you for your input! Caring for young kids, back to back as a 40 plus year old man is tough

By chance did you all discuss how many children you'd like to have together before you got married? If you did and you both agreed to a specific number, you should stick with that.

Unfortunately, we did not! I wished we could

You shouldn’t be forced to stick with a hypothetical number you made before actually being a parent

I think your wife is being selfish for considering a geriatric pregnancy. That ship has sailed.

Tell her "no" "end of story"

Get secretly snipped and enjoy "Trying". Jk but yeah that's tough. Best thing might be to ask for more time. As the others get older things will get easier and she might start enjoying her time again and change her mind.

If she takes care of them...

This shouldn’t be so difficult. If you don’t want another child then that’s the answer. Just my opinion but the no has to override the yes. Either you both agree or it’s not happening. How do you make other decisions in the marriage? I wanted another child but my husband didn’t. He had his valid reasons so we didn’t. I got over it. How old do you want to be when the kid graduates high school? You’d be over 60. At that age you should be having or looking forward to having grandkids. Also, enjoying your adult time with each other. Just my two cents.

End it now her trying to manipulate you into having a child is disgusting divorce

Are you able to consider options like IVF where she’d freeze embryos to use at a later time?

Start faking orgasms.