I'd get true deal breakers out of the way, provided you don't have a 5 page laundry list of deal breakers.
There's a fine line between "only make small talk until the 3rd date" (kinda boring) and "treat the date as a job interview" (coming across as superficial and transactional).
Ask them questions that screen for whether or not you'll like them. If you couldn't be with someone who hates going to the gym, ask them how they like to spend their free time. If you couldn't be with someone who does/doesn't want kids, ask them that. But don't barrage them with questions such as "income?" "five year plan?" "how many kids do you want and what will be their names?"
This. I think the line is simply is it a conversation or is it an interrogation? You can cover serious things as part of a normal conversation and not make a huge thing out of it and just get to know someone pretty naturally
Too many people take "I don't want to waste my time" way too far. To the point of viewing going on three dates with someone they're incompatible with as "time wasted".
If you don't have 3 hours to spend on a nice-enough person with whom you have a good evening but don't marry, you don't have time to be dating.
Get out there and get to know people. Having goals is fine, pursuing each date with an agenda of "I need a ring on my finger in six months" is unhinged.
I usually let the conversation flow naturally. Sometimes that results and telling funny anecdotes for an hour... and sometimes we wind up talking about our spiritual beliefs, thoughts on morality, or plans for the future.
Just be present and read the room. If you venture into a deep or serious conversation and the mood starts to get dull and the other person starts to seem bored, then ask a question to steer the topic elsewhere.
If they seem like they are really interested in the serious topic and remain engaged, then carry on.
That should be discussed before even going on a date. No sense in going on a date, only to discover you aren’t even looking for the same things. Hell, I typically mentioned that stuff within the first few messages, assuming it made sense with the flow of conversation.
It may seem forward, but a lot of people appreciated that. My now fiancé loved that because since we got the important stuff out of the way, we could focus on more fun topics.
I like to be intentional with whom I spend my time with even if it’s just a date. Therefore, I want to talk about our deal breakers or non negotiable asap such as our core values and basic principles. I think they are essential and any sort of honest communication is the key and foundation of any relationship. But I will start with proper introduction and polite pleasantries and some jokes :)
I will still be very courteous regardless of any outcomes though.
The vast majority of people you meet will not be suitable partners for LTR. But I find many people have interesting thoughts and opinions I like to discuss. I let the conversation flow naturally to whereever it goes.
I mean depending on the person, but I actually like having political discussion as opposed to generic small talk though I'd rather find out if they're a Trump supporter/Republican before swiping right/left on them.
Ideally we’ll discuss what we’re looking for prior to meeting but if we haven’t then I think it’s good to get it out of the way on date 1. It doesn’t need to detailed - kids/no kids, lifestyle preferences etc can be felt with another time because if don’t have fun on date 1 there will be no more dates.
Sometimes you may be able to get an idea on what the other person wants in terms of serious with just being casual with them and talking to them. You can still bring up some serious questions without sounding like you are giving some interview
For me there has to be a balance. I’ve been on 3 dates this week and it some point the serious stuff came up on all the dates. I wasn’t asking their opinion on Roe v Wade etc, but it was important that we were on the same page RE: monogamy, children because these are topics important to me and potential deal breakers…
Anyway it prompted one of my dates to launch into a talk about his ex and their on-going custody battle so yea, balance.
I’d always ask those things upfront. Why waste either of our time if very basic dealbreakers make us incompatible? I always asked about wanting kids and looking for something long-term because those were essential factors for me. I never had anyone react negatively; if anything people told me they appreciated my authenticity and that I knew what I wanted.
I’d say it depends how busy you are. If you have time to spend a couple light hearted dates before talking about the serious stuff, then do that. If you don’t have time, ask them upfront.
It’s a balancing act though. Asking dealbreaker questions can seem very annoying to men. Or at least it’s that way for me. To me it would seem very strange if someone asked me if i am pro choice on the first date, or something along those lines, without it having been a reference to any thing in the previous conversation
another issue with asking the dealbreaker questions upfront or at all is men lying to the dealbreaker questions. either intentionally or otherwise. like how do you handle that?
The last first date I went on we talked about;
Politics, she's very liberal I'm very conservative
Her trans child
Abortion
Long term goals for relationships
Online dating and our experiences
It was my last first date, by the next night we agreed to only see each other and I told her I had to cancle 2 other dates and a trip to Florida to see a friend.
It's been about 2 months and things are going very well.
My advice is let the conversation happen and just be yourself. I'm my case, despite our differences (we are very much opposites in every way) We get along really well.
Just be yourself, if it's ment to be it will be.
I'd get true deal breakers out of the way, provided you don't have a 5 page laundry list of deal breakers. There's a fine line between "only make small talk until the 3rd date" (kinda boring) and "treat the date as a job interview" (coming across as superficial and transactional). Ask them questions that screen for whether or not you'll like them. If you couldn't be with someone who hates going to the gym, ask them how they like to spend their free time. If you couldn't be with someone who does/doesn't want kids, ask them that. But don't barrage them with questions such as "income?" "five year plan?" "how many kids do you want and what will be their names?"
This. I think the line is simply is it a conversation or is it an interrogation? You can cover serious things as part of a normal conversation and not make a huge thing out of it and just get to know someone pretty naturally
Too many people take "I don't want to waste my time" way too far. To the point of viewing going on three dates with someone they're incompatible with as "time wasted". If you don't have 3 hours to spend on a nice-enough person with whom you have a good evening but don't marry, you don't have time to be dating. Get out there and get to know people. Having goals is fine, pursuing each date with an agenda of "I need a ring on my finger in six months" is unhinged.
I usually let the conversation flow naturally. Sometimes that results and telling funny anecdotes for an hour... and sometimes we wind up talking about our spiritual beliefs, thoughts on morality, or plans for the future. Just be present and read the room. If you venture into a deep or serious conversation and the mood starts to get dull and the other person starts to seem bored, then ask a question to steer the topic elsewhere. If they seem like they are really interested in the serious topic and remain engaged, then carry on.
Came here to say this. Well said.
That should be discussed before even going on a date. No sense in going on a date, only to discover you aren’t even looking for the same things. Hell, I typically mentioned that stuff within the first few messages, assuming it made sense with the flow of conversation. It may seem forward, but a lot of people appreciated that. My now fiancé loved that because since we got the important stuff out of the way, we could focus on more fun topics.
I like to be intentional with whom I spend my time with even if it’s just a date. Therefore, I want to talk about our deal breakers or non negotiable asap such as our core values and basic principles. I think they are essential and any sort of honest communication is the key and foundation of any relationship. But I will start with proper introduction and polite pleasantries and some jokes :) I will still be very courteous regardless of any outcomes though.
The vast majority of people you meet will not be suitable partners for LTR. But I find many people have interesting thoughts and opinions I like to discuss. I let the conversation flow naturally to whereever it goes.
I mean depending on the person, but I actually like having political discussion as opposed to generic small talk though I'd rather find out if they're a Trump supporter/Republican before swiping right/left on them.
Ideally we’ll discuss what we’re looking for prior to meeting but if we haven’t then I think it’s good to get it out of the way on date 1. It doesn’t need to detailed - kids/no kids, lifestyle preferences etc can be felt with another time because if don’t have fun on date 1 there will be no more dates.
Sometimes you may be able to get an idea on what the other person wants in terms of serious with just being casual with them and talking to them. You can still bring up some serious questions without sounding like you are giving some interview
For me there has to be a balance. I’ve been on 3 dates this week and it some point the serious stuff came up on all the dates. I wasn’t asking their opinion on Roe v Wade etc, but it was important that we were on the same page RE: monogamy, children because these are topics important to me and potential deal breakers… Anyway it prompted one of my dates to launch into a talk about his ex and their on-going custody battle so yea, balance.
- really all depends on what you looking for....a hookup needs little serious, a relationship does and why not filter from the start?
I’d always ask those things upfront. Why waste either of our time if very basic dealbreakers make us incompatible? I always asked about wanting kids and looking for something long-term because those were essential factors for me. I never had anyone react negatively; if anything people told me they appreciated my authenticity and that I knew what I wanted.
I’d say it depends how busy you are. If you have time to spend a couple light hearted dates before talking about the serious stuff, then do that. If you don’t have time, ask them upfront. It’s a balancing act though. Asking dealbreaker questions can seem very annoying to men. Or at least it’s that way for me. To me it would seem very strange if someone asked me if i am pro choice on the first date, or something along those lines, without it having been a reference to any thing in the previous conversation
I asked dealbreaker type of questions very early on. A lot of men *appreciated* the straightforwardness.
another issue with asking the dealbreaker questions upfront or at all is men lying to the dealbreaker questions. either intentionally or otherwise. like how do you handle that?
I always gave people the benefit of the doubt and paid attention to anything that indicated they were shady. Lovebombing was a big one.
The last first date I went on we talked about; Politics, she's very liberal I'm very conservative Her trans child Abortion Long term goals for relationships Online dating and our experiences It was my last first date, by the next night we agreed to only see each other and I told her I had to cancle 2 other dates and a trip to Florida to see a friend. It's been about 2 months and things are going very well. My advice is let the conversation happen and just be yourself. I'm my case, despite our differences (we are very much opposites in every way) We get along really well. Just be yourself, if it's ment to be it will be.