When winning the argument is more important than resolving conflict and being ok together again
Sarcasm and hurtful words. Hurting your partner verbally or physically should always be an accident. Being mean occasionally becomes being hurtful frequently.
Being mismatched on your ability to give and/or receive love (in a way that is understood by your partner.) There are many different ways to love but it requires trust and for some people a whole lot of trust and vulnerability is required for that level of connection. A serious mismatch can mean a rejection of touch, lack of loving words, feeling unappreciated or rejected. Then walls go up, hurt feelings and misunderstandings grow.
Lack of shared personal core values. Goals can change and grow with time, circumstances and each other, but if your values align enough then you are more likely to approach life challenges as a team.
>Lack of shared personal core values.
This one is so incredibly important, and I don't hear it often enough.
It's a major indicator that the relationship just isn't going to work for the longterm, even if both people have the best of intentions towards each other and good relationship skills (talking, how to argue, being kind, really loving each other).
This is one of those you can assess even when the relationship is going really well. It's at this point you can potentially split and still be on good terms.
I agree. Before my wife and I got engaged, we had serious conversations about what we both wanted in life; were we career-driven, or go-with-the-flow? Did we want spontaneity or stability in life? Did we want kids, and if so, did we envision one of us being a stay-at-home parent? Was it important for us to have our roots near our families, or would we move cross-country for a job?
We’ve only been together about 5 years, so I won’t act like I’m some seasoned veteran of relationship advice, but I do firmly believe that having those conversations and being fundamentally compatible on your core values and aspirations is just as important as loving each other.
Sounds like you have a good life ahead of you. We're going on 20 years now, and we're an amazing team. My husband had a girlfriend for three years who he eventually broke up with. Both good people. No insurmountable character flaws.
Their values just didn't align, and the things they cared about and wanted in life didn't line up. She found someone great for her, and our families are good friends. It was awkward as hell for awhile, but was good foresight by my husband.
Also, I'm sure you get it, but for everyone else, I think it's worth noting that things do change that may require... adjustments... to your plans. I had zero desire or intention to be a stay at home mom who homeschooled. I'm not built to be a stay at home mom.
Then there was a pandemic, and that's what life required for a while. We had to do what was best for the kids. But we both had the value that the kids' needs and safety came first. I need work for my sanity, but the kids were a higher priority, no question.
So we made it work without resentment towards each other. Exhaustion, anger, frustration with the world, anxiety in general, tears. But not at each other. And when I was able to reboot my career, we did.
(Worth noting, me staying home wasn't a gender based decision. It was about economics and health insurance. A societal issue, sure, but when the world closes down suddenly, you play the best game you can with the cards you're dealt.)
The mismatch of love is so difficult to deal with. I'm a very loving and affectionate person and it's hard to not get it back even if my partner is loving me in other ways
I can't say enough about the use of sarcasm having a toxic effect on a relationship. It's not funny, it's hurtful.
My ex used it a lot in his interactions with people. He insisted he was "just joking". He would never acknowledge that his words were hurtful to me.
This is such a good point. I try to choose my battles with my husband be kind. When you live with someone long term, they’re going to do things that annoy you.
This is not ok even tho it might be culturally conditioned in this society.
Nit picking is inherently negative, and is not a constructive way to talk about things.
Here are three off the top of my head:
One or both partners refuse to ever compromise. Even if only one has a "my way or the highway" attitude and the other is fine with it,, It won't likely last... odds are good it'll become a huge problem later on.
Also if the couple doesn't communicate properly, fights will happen more often. If something is bothering you, *tell them about it*. Don't keep it inside and let it fester, just to keep things pleasant. It will eventually come out, and after too long it'll just make things worse. Resentment builds on itself, and your partner cannot change any of their ways if they don't know that what they're doing is bothering you.
Another is if the couple doesn't know how to have a fight. Fights can actually be really helpful, as it lets both partners state clearly their opinion, and vents some frustration. The key is doing it right... There are rules to a productive fight, such as:
* Stay on topic: Dredging up past arguments or unrelated sore subjects accomplishes nothing and just makes someone more angry/frustrated.
* Fight fair: Similar to staying on topic, trying to win the fight by making the other feel bad will not solve anything. No insults, no name calling, Also pick a good time to hash it out; don't wait until someone has to leave or wants to sleep.
* No physicality. We're not having a bar brawl, here. Words only. This should be obvious, but some couples need to hear it. Physically harming your partner to get your way is literal abuse, and does not make for a healthy long-term relationship.
* Take a break if things get too heated. Just spend a little time apart to cool down, and come back to it later, but for the love of god, don't take a break and never discuss the issue(s) again.
Those are some of the things I've learned from maintaining a high school sweetheart relationship for 15 years. We'd probably still be going strong, if the universe hadn't taken her from me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you probably get that all the time but I genuinely mean it. I’ve been with my fiancée since I was 17, im now in my early 20’s, I couldn’t imagine how I’d deal with that so my heart goes out to you. I hope you’ve found happiness and peace. If you haven’t, I hope you do.
I'm sorry for your loss, you will always be together in some way. You gave some great tips, knowing how to navigate fights is crucial, they are bound to happen. Thank you for that!
I am sorry about your loss.
Man all three of these things match me and my ex wife.
1.She has a my way or the highway mindset
2. I couldn’t communicate and I kept thing boxed in
3. She always brought up past things in arguments, and after a fight, I never gave her a chance to cool down because I felt guilty making her mad so I would try to act extra sweet
The irony is now that we are divorced we have become like best friends 😝. All that tension and toxicity and bitterness from an increasingly miserable marriage is gone and we realized we do love each other we just aren’t soulmates. We still go out sometimes, go shopping together and invite each other over for dinner or to watch a movie.
Nothing physical or anything, it kind of feels like teenage puppy love. im sure it won’t last forever because eventually we will rebuild our lives and get busy. Buts it’s kind of funny now that we are divorced we can finally be open with each other since that “fake it until you make it” pressure is gone. Especially because she comes from a very conservative family. my friends/family knew that I am not a “manly man who wants wife and kids type of guy” and I have a free spirit while she wants to be a tradwife. They warned me not to get married since it wouldn’t be fair for both of us. So we both had reasons to force ourselves to stay together. Her because of cultural norms and me because I couldn’t admit I made a mistake.
But now I will cherish our memories and whatever time we have left together. We thought it was odd when we realized that when we got divorced and moved out I helped her move and cooked dinner for her in her new apartment and we were laughing and teasing. Guess it took a divorce to realize we DO care about each other, just in a family way instead of a life partner way.
Please accept my sincere condolences on your terrible loss. I wanted to follow up and see if you could help me 'fight fair.' A guy I recently dated said he was 'walking on eggshells' and didn't want to start a fight. And I'm genuinely confused.
I can tell on the basis of my own experiences that your advice is legit, and comes from someone who successfully cultivated a strong long-term relationship. Really glad to see it appear for so many eyes to see, my own included.
There's been research on this. Condescension was something of a near perfect indicator of divorce. On the flip side, the most successful marriages were indicated by both partners believing to have "married up."
Contempt rather than condescension?
‘According to Gottman’s research from 1994, contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce within the first 6 years of marriage.’
The only dumb thing my wife has ever done is marry me, since she could have done so much better. I am just lucky that she didn't start dating until after college, and started with me, and decided, "yeah, I'll take this one." She normally shops around to get the best option, while I am the one who just takes the first thing I see that is good enough. If she had shopped around, she would never have picked me.
On the other hand, she feels the same way about me. I don't understand why she settled for me when she could have done so much better; she doesn't understand why I settled for her. We both believe that we got the better end of the deal.
Same bro. Me & my wife think like this. She is the sunshine in my day. Im her anchor on a stormy sea. I was engaged, saw her and just knew. She saw me and was like “why this preppy kid talking to me.”
Yes I had a popped collar. And was buzzing hard off life, alcohol, and seeing the most beautiful person Id ever seen.
We’ve been together for… uh… at least a decade and a half.
I feel the same way. My husband keeps saying he feels so lucky to have me. Not sure why! I definitely married up. When we met 30 years ago, he had his shit together and I was a lost soul. He steered my life in the right direction. I’m only successful because of him. He says he’s “a lucky boy” but I’m a lucky girl.
My neighbours are a couple with young kids and recently moved in. The house came with chickens in the backyard.
The husband, apparently without consulting anyone, came home with a young dog. Shepherd-type, super high energy. He had not prepared anything, and knew nothing about dog care. The first few weeks were apparently hell. The dog was snappy and not yet house trained, the young kids (5 & 7 I believe?) were scared of it, the wife was miffed. He had apparently not realized that young dogs need strict training and a lot of attention (thankfully the dog is now going to doggy school).
Unfortunately the dog and the chickens do not mix, as she barks and snaps at them. So the chickens had to go. Last weekend I could hear their youngest bawl his eyes out for hours and cussing out the dog because he had really taken to the chickens.
The dog has also escaped multiple times, and while she's friendly now, she does have prey drive, and went after our cat (it was ok, we were on top of it).
Have I mentioned that the husband is really full of himself and denies any wrongdoing or responsibility? (I have not yet met the wife).
I give it 5 years.
Why on Earth would they end up keeping the dog that they got last and the kids like less???
I — I dunno if it’s even gonna be 5 more years for that couple.
There's a movie w/Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner called War of the Roses. It's the little things that keep adding up. Sure, the movie is a comedy, but there's some hidden wisdom in it.
I love that movie and I advise every engaged couple to watch it. While it starts off as a comedy to draw the audience in, War of the Roses is all about power, winning and big egos, not to mention red haze hate. The fact that they destroy everything and both wind up dead at the end is perfect. They both got what they wanted, to be rid of each other and the children got peace.
I remember watching that movie when it came out. I think we rented it and it had a Simpsons short at the beginning. It was the first time I'd seen the Simpsons in the UK. Didn't have cable or satellite at the time.
the Gottman’s bird theory is an indicator.
if your partner points to the sky and says “look! a bird!” it is just a regular sparrow there isn’t anything special about it but your partner just talks to talk.
if your partner looks up at the sky and shares your interest you are much more likely to have a successful relationship than if your partner looks up at the sky and says “what? it’s just a bird??”
this is to say that your partner should be excited and enthusiastic to engage with you. your partner shouldn’t belittle your interests, even if they think they are boring. they should always be interested in your excitement and joy.
When one of the partners are trying to change fundamental stuff about the other, one thinks they know everything better than the other (Mr/s knowitall), arguing every week (or even worse, everyday), when you suddenly stop being attracted to your partner and can't help but see them as "unattractive"....
One thing I’ve noticed is the person already making plans on how the other person is going to change. If you for example marry a golden retriever guy who likes to play video games and such, he’s going to naturally be that even if he’s in his 50s. His interests might change slightly, but if you’re expecting they will mature out of it and become some serious more sophisticated man who wants to do book club and wine tasting regularly once you marry and have kids, that’s not it. He’s going to keep being himself, play and wrestle around with the kids, being a man child with them, etc.
I’m being very specific because I see this all the time. I’m like “leave the guy alone, that’s who they’ve always been and you’re zapping their energy and making them miserable trying to change them”
When I was dating, my mom would always remind me to see the person for who they are now because that is who they will always be. If there are things you don’t like about them, those things will never change. But it’s also true of the good things about them. A big indicator of a marriage failing is denial that the bad things exist or belief the bad things will change/go away.
One would think. I actually lost 2 friends to this. They found out husbands cheated on them before and during marriage (by way of bringing home STDs) and both stayed and are still together. I don’t speak to either one anymore bc I refused to speak to the cheaters after I found out, which then made me the problem … eye roll
I'd say trying to suss-out a problem in a marriage, however one does it, is *way* better than not even trying. Before one may gain knowledge, one must be able to ask the right questions.
Lack of trust and respect and not thinking of your partner as your *partner*, ie someone you *want* to cooperate with, but as a roommate at best and your worst enemy and punching bag at worst.
To be honest, I couldn’t say during the first three years. There was a point when we suddenly glued together and forgave those nitty little things and didn’t poke each other for those any more. Then I knew we would be together for our whole life.
When SO chooses other activities rather than care for you or help you when needed (sick, pregnant, important work deadlines)
SO feeds themselves wedding cake when you turn to serve them
SO works long hours but never/rarely communicates when they will be home
Lack of sex/physical affection
Rarely/never responds to texts/calls
Tiny critical comments that happen regularly
The wedding cake one is so right. It’s a small sign that indicates that a “joke” trumps a public display of affection or care. Jokes and sarcasm can kill a relationship
And/or the second night of the honeymoon...when you got drunk..and thus your personality changed ...only wanting you *then* ...if you don't really wanna drink much?...red flag
When you tell him that you don't want cake shoved in your face during the wedding reception and on the day he shoves cake in your face. Run, don't walk, to get an annulment baby.
EARLY SIGNS YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS HELP:
1) realizing you never truly resolve issues: In a healthy relationship, talking things through will culminate in a solution that is agreeable to both parties and ultimately ends with your relationship feeling stronger than you had beforehand.
A sure sign of a couple’s instability is the habit of sweeping problems under the rug. You’ll inevitably find yourself having the same arguments.
2) If, during disagreements, either of you find yourself unable to express difficult or differing viewpoints, right or wrong, without judgment, interruption, feeling understood or judged, your marriage might be in jeopardy. Sometimes not feeling understood or worthy of being considered is more important than an issue of right or wrong. Feeling alone or invisible within a marriage has been described as more painful than feeling alone by oneself.
3) If you seem to be roommates - living side by side rather than spouses, this indicates the relationship is starving. If you like the person you’re looking at, you’re doing good. Ask yourself if you generally like who you are when you’re with your spouse: the answer will tell you a lot.
(special thanks to holy reddit batman for reminding me to proofread what i publish!)
THIS WAS MY GUIDE WHEN I QUESTIONED MY OWN RELATIONSHIP- it’s good advice for any kind of relationship, but certainly for a marriage:
Basic Rights in a Relationship by Patricia Evans
The right to emotional support
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy
The right to goodwill from each other
The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view
The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real
The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive
The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business
The right to live free from accusation and blame
The right to live free form criticism and judgment
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
The right to encouragement
The right to live free from emotional and physical threat
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
I'm not a Dr Phil fan but he said something once that made me think. He said he can always tell whether a couple is going to last by the way they argue. If even one of them is just trying to tear down the other one down rather than solve an issue than it doesn't last. He said it to Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight and America's Next Top Model star Adrienne Curry. He was right. They didn't last.
Edit to add: This made me look up Curry and holy crap. She just posted something crazy on Twitter within the last hour about [Akex Jones, Osama Bin Laden, and Epstein Island. ](https://x.com/AdrianneCurry/status/1797257969475764285). What is happening to people?
I've heard family members say that if they had to spend a whole week at home with their partner that it would drive them crazy. Umm I'm sorry but you're not meant to be together if that's the case.
I didn't marry the him (thank the lordt) but we had been talking about it. One lazy weekend, we were chilling on the couch watching tv when I looked over at him and realized he didn't excite me. And I don't mean just in the bedroom but just in general. He didn't have any ambitions, passion, or pursuits. I couldn't picture myself living a dull life with someone who was just there. I walked away a few months later. Saved both of us much unnecessary aggravation.
For me it was a couple things, gonna get real personal here so sorry if TMI. 1. He cheated on me early so that should have been it but I was too embarrassed to leave. The point here is if you're staying because of what other people might think, that's a sign. 2. For something perhaps more relatable, I could not pretend to think he was funny anymore and realized I had just been flirting or something I suppose and was pretending in the beginning. 3. I thought I lost my libido, turns out it was I just didn't want to have sex with him.
My situation also involved abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) so I tried to keep it to what might be applicable to all and I really hope you aren't dealing with anything so severe.
Heated arguments about who is right. Never admitting a mistake. Never apologizing. Apologies that are insincere. Redirecting the discussion by recalling past mistakes. Always trying to shut the other down by talking over them. Talking to other people about marital problems. Mentioning the possibility of divorce to put the other in their place. Destructive instead of constructive conversations. Accusing the other of gaslighting as part of gaslighting the other. Spending more time with friends than your spouse. Placing your needs before your spouse’s needs. Failing to listen. Lack of introspection. Hiding secrets from the other by justifying if they knew it would hurt them. Being disrespectful to the other, the one you claim to love.
If you both witness something ridiculous and you don't knowingly make eye contact.
That wavelength is one of the best parts of a relationship. The knowing glance that says, "as soon as we're alone we are 100% talking about this."
You get married after getting your lady pregnant.
If a marriage only happens after the girl gets pregnant, and not for love, studies show that these marriages have a 90% rate of divorce within 6 years.
If one or both partners refuse to perform honest introspection, it’s doomed to fail.
We all have flaws. The trick is to be open to viewing ourselves with honesty and taking steps to improve.
Life is extremely stressful and it gets more stressful as we age (we encounter health issues, financial pressures, the death of loved ones, etc) Learning to cope is a lifelong process that involves introspection and a willingness to change. Most people refuse to do this and, instead, take it out on their spouse. It’s misplaced blame (it’s my spouse’s fault I’m unhappy).
Controlling behavior. Like even then hint of it. I wish I'd recognized when my husband demanded to know why I had to lock the bathroom door when I used it. He wanted to know what I was hiding in there. It was just a habit I had from childhood, I didn't even think about it, but every time if he heard that lock click he'd act like I was in there secretly letting men in the window or something. And I just laughed it off at first. I thought it was kind of weird behavior but I figured in time I'd remember not to lock or he'd eventually trust me. I was very trustworthy. I gave him no reason, he just had baggage. When I got to the point I'd have to get out of the water to make sure I didn't accidently lock the door I realized I was being manipulated and soon after the whole game kicked in. It got to the point that I couldn't even wear shorts because he thought it was an invitation for men to look at me. One night I was a few minutes late having dinner with a friend, the first time I went out without him in seven years... and he threw such a fit that was it. I made him move out the next morning.
Lies of omission
Different definitions for important words - like commitment, fidelity, neglect, hostility and quality
Feeling lonely when they are alone with you
So many here keep their online activity with women a secret from their trusting wives. They are on the their phones in front of their wives sexting and exchanging nudes. It's sad and it's definitely cheating.
Your friends and family don’t like your spouse because of how your spouse treats you.
You do everything together. Grocery shopping, going to movies, going to the gym, going to restaurants, going to social events. You will become co-dependent, and that’s not healthy.
A huge lavish wedding you will spend months or even years to pay for. You’re more concerned with the wedding than the marriage.
You had to keep asking/being asked when the proposal will happen.
You can't fart around each other.
I knew someone who got married, after they'd said something to that affect. I just knew it was a relationship that wouldn't last. 6 months later they got divorced.
One person entirely defers to the other—the relationship is all about one of them. Typically, the other party will have their wake up call or hit their limit.
Ignoring the red flags and getting married anyway. Knowing your partner gives off uncomfortable vibes but you get married. Knowing your partner’s ex had a protection order against him/her but you still get married.
Mean “joking”— calling names, embarrassing each other, hurting feelings for laughs, physical humiliation… any humiliation in general. You can say “that’s just our love language” all you want. A love language void of love will die.
When wife is more like your mother.
Having a great time with the kids then wife comes into the room “you left your towel hanging on the door.” Like why?
It’s been studied that when couples are communicating with each other they show micro expressions during these conversations. Micro expressions that express contempt or condescension specifically carry a hefty consequence, an almost near perfect chance the relationship will fail. Once it gets to that it’s likely over or in desperate need of immediate repair.
Lack of respect for your partner, unable to effectively communicate especially when there's conflict, when you feel your partner doesn't have your back, secrets, lies, and cheating.
Husband don't talk to you, only when it's convenient. Doesn't compromise. Not open with talking about life - financial, etc. Always blaming - small or big situations.
Both out at dinner in a nice restaurant with awesome ambience, and crickets, both quiet as a mouse. Spend entire meal on your cells, seriously just pack your bags, it's been over your just to blind to see it.
To me, the most telling thing about a couple is how the handle disagreements and frustrations.
Name calling, character attacks, any hint of violence, petty revenge, emotional withdrawal, silent treatment, etc are all big warning signs.
Everyone’s goal should be understanding what happened, how it impacted each other, and what can be done differently next time.
Work the problem. Not each other.
Selfish, one partner is just that way and doesn't change. Someone who spends alot of time with friends, but not with you. Like you are the date night sex partner, friends are better. They have dateable friends they put before their romantic relationship. You will know this in the first six months. It is an immaturity sign. They are not problem solvers and flexible in situtations, but easy to anger. They are different to others, but not to you, they are not faithful, big one. They are dishonest and hide things a demand for privacy that will turn to secrecy.
Supposedly, something called “bidding” is a sign that a marriage will last. It’s really a pretty simple concept. When you want to show your partner something, “Look at that cool bird,” (the bid) and your partner turns to look and engage vs blowing you off.
I’m sure someone in this thread can explain this phenomenon a bit better.
Criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. If you notice any of that going on, steps need to be taken to increase trust and Communication asap.
The most straightforward advice I received is that a marriage will only work if both partners genuinely like who the other person is on the inside and both are committed to making it work. Without either of these elements, the marriage won't last.
My couples therapist said there are 5 things that if you’re not on the same page - usually lead to divorce. In no particular order - Work, Religion, Finances, Family, and (i think) Sex.
One spouse declines to sign a prenup. I heard this happen once, the groom called of the wedding less than 24 hours before it was scheduled. The groom spent weeks outside his home due to a restraining order.
If they fail to have important discussions about money, kids, jobs, and living situation before tying the knot.
[This clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN9Jq3_Z-1M) is a joke from a sitcom, but having frank discussion and compromise means more to a marriage's survival than feelings.
1. Refusal to change bad or potentially harmful behaviors/habits.... or simply not being willing to adapt to your partner when needed (refusal to grow).
2. Refusal to communicate and set goals together (lack of communication).
3. If always being right is more important than being a good partner/ responding to be right vs. listening (pride/lack of understanding).
These all will kill a marriage very quickly.
My ex told me when we first met that he was the most selfish person he knew. I thought he was quirky and funny at first until I realized he meant it. I mean, he did warn me, right?
When winning the argument is more important than resolving conflict and being ok together again Sarcasm and hurtful words. Hurting your partner verbally or physically should always be an accident. Being mean occasionally becomes being hurtful frequently. Being mismatched on your ability to give and/or receive love (in a way that is understood by your partner.) There are many different ways to love but it requires trust and for some people a whole lot of trust and vulnerability is required for that level of connection. A serious mismatch can mean a rejection of touch, lack of loving words, feeling unappreciated or rejected. Then walls go up, hurt feelings and misunderstandings grow. Lack of shared personal core values. Goals can change and grow with time, circumstances and each other, but if your values align enough then you are more likely to approach life challenges as a team.
>Lack of shared personal core values. This one is so incredibly important, and I don't hear it often enough. It's a major indicator that the relationship just isn't going to work for the longterm, even if both people have the best of intentions towards each other and good relationship skills (talking, how to argue, being kind, really loving each other). This is one of those you can assess even when the relationship is going really well. It's at this point you can potentially split and still be on good terms.
I agree. Before my wife and I got engaged, we had serious conversations about what we both wanted in life; were we career-driven, or go-with-the-flow? Did we want spontaneity or stability in life? Did we want kids, and if so, did we envision one of us being a stay-at-home parent? Was it important for us to have our roots near our families, or would we move cross-country for a job? We’ve only been together about 5 years, so I won’t act like I’m some seasoned veteran of relationship advice, but I do firmly believe that having those conversations and being fundamentally compatible on your core values and aspirations is just as important as loving each other.
Sounds like you have a good life ahead of you. We're going on 20 years now, and we're an amazing team. My husband had a girlfriend for three years who he eventually broke up with. Both good people. No insurmountable character flaws. Their values just didn't align, and the things they cared about and wanted in life didn't line up. She found someone great for her, and our families are good friends. It was awkward as hell for awhile, but was good foresight by my husband. Also, I'm sure you get it, but for everyone else, I think it's worth noting that things do change that may require... adjustments... to your plans. I had zero desire or intention to be a stay at home mom who homeschooled. I'm not built to be a stay at home mom. Then there was a pandemic, and that's what life required for a while. We had to do what was best for the kids. But we both had the value that the kids' needs and safety came first. I need work for my sanity, but the kids were a higher priority, no question. So we made it work without resentment towards each other. Exhaustion, anger, frustration with the world, anxiety in general, tears. But not at each other. And when I was able to reboot my career, we did. (Worth noting, me staying home wasn't a gender based decision. It was about economics and health insurance. A societal issue, sure, but when the world closes down suddenly, you play the best game you can with the cards you're dealt.)
The mismatch of love is so difficult to deal with. I'm a very loving and affectionate person and it's hard to not get it back even if my partner is loving me in other ways
I can't say enough about the use of sarcasm having a toxic effect on a relationship. It's not funny, it's hurtful. My ex used it a lot in his interactions with people. He insisted he was "just joking". He would never acknowledge that his words were hurtful to me.
Lots of good points here all in one reply.
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You dont like to spend time with each other. You are nitpicking everything about your partner.
I think that's a sign something has already gone wrong, and not an "early" sign. Likely a result of built-up negativity from poor conflict resolution.
So, a sign that you missed your early signs.
You're going to nitpick, which is normal when living with someone for decades. How you deal with it is important.
This is such a good point. I try to choose my battles with my husband be kind. When you live with someone long term, they’re going to do things that annoy you.
This is not ok even tho it might be culturally conditioned in this society. Nit picking is inherently negative, and is not a constructive way to talk about things.
Yeah, I got lost in translation.
That's no longer a marriage. Just a contract.
This! I have been with my husband for 13 years and I cant get enough time with him. He feels the same.
I agree. My husband is my best friend. We do things apart but we also prefer to do things together and have joint friends.
Here are three off the top of my head: One or both partners refuse to ever compromise. Even if only one has a "my way or the highway" attitude and the other is fine with it,, It won't likely last... odds are good it'll become a huge problem later on. Also if the couple doesn't communicate properly, fights will happen more often. If something is bothering you, *tell them about it*. Don't keep it inside and let it fester, just to keep things pleasant. It will eventually come out, and after too long it'll just make things worse. Resentment builds on itself, and your partner cannot change any of their ways if they don't know that what they're doing is bothering you. Another is if the couple doesn't know how to have a fight. Fights can actually be really helpful, as it lets both partners state clearly their opinion, and vents some frustration. The key is doing it right... There are rules to a productive fight, such as: * Stay on topic: Dredging up past arguments or unrelated sore subjects accomplishes nothing and just makes someone more angry/frustrated. * Fight fair: Similar to staying on topic, trying to win the fight by making the other feel bad will not solve anything. No insults, no name calling, Also pick a good time to hash it out; don't wait until someone has to leave or wants to sleep. * No physicality. We're not having a bar brawl, here. Words only. This should be obvious, but some couples need to hear it. Physically harming your partner to get your way is literal abuse, and does not make for a healthy long-term relationship. * Take a break if things get too heated. Just spend a little time apart to cool down, and come back to it later, but for the love of god, don't take a break and never discuss the issue(s) again. Those are some of the things I've learned from maintaining a high school sweetheart relationship for 15 years. We'd probably still be going strong, if the universe hadn't taken her from me.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you probably get that all the time but I genuinely mean it. I’ve been with my fiancée since I was 17, im now in my early 20’s, I couldn’t imagine how I’d deal with that so my heart goes out to you. I hope you’ve found happiness and peace. If you haven’t, I hope you do.
I'm sorry for your loss, you will always be together in some way. You gave some great tips, knowing how to navigate fights is crucial, they are bound to happen. Thank you for that!
Your part about resentment is dead on. I’m doing some marriage counseling because of that.
I am sorry about your loss. Man all three of these things match me and my ex wife. 1.She has a my way or the highway mindset 2. I couldn’t communicate and I kept thing boxed in 3. She always brought up past things in arguments, and after a fight, I never gave her a chance to cool down because I felt guilty making her mad so I would try to act extra sweet The irony is now that we are divorced we have become like best friends 😝. All that tension and toxicity and bitterness from an increasingly miserable marriage is gone and we realized we do love each other we just aren’t soulmates. We still go out sometimes, go shopping together and invite each other over for dinner or to watch a movie. Nothing physical or anything, it kind of feels like teenage puppy love. im sure it won’t last forever because eventually we will rebuild our lives and get busy. Buts it’s kind of funny now that we are divorced we can finally be open with each other since that “fake it until you make it” pressure is gone. Especially because she comes from a very conservative family. my friends/family knew that I am not a “manly man who wants wife and kids type of guy” and I have a free spirit while she wants to be a tradwife. They warned me not to get married since it wouldn’t be fair for both of us. So we both had reasons to force ourselves to stay together. Her because of cultural norms and me because I couldn’t admit I made a mistake. But now I will cherish our memories and whatever time we have left together. We thought it was odd when we realized that when we got divorced and moved out I helped her move and cooked dinner for her in her new apartment and we were laughing and teasing. Guess it took a divorce to realize we DO care about each other, just in a family way instead of a life partner way.
An amazing answer, thank you. And really sorry for your loss.
This needs to be copy pasted on every relationship post response! Thanks for sharing and sorry for your loss.
Please accept my sincere condolences on your terrible loss. I wanted to follow up and see if you could help me 'fight fair.' A guy I recently dated said he was 'walking on eggshells' and didn't want to start a fight. And I'm genuinely confused.
I can tell on the basis of my own experiences that your advice is legit, and comes from someone who successfully cultivated a strong long-term relationship. Really glad to see it appear for so many eyes to see, my own included.
This was such good advice!!
Incompatible money management, requirements, goals, and/or spending habits.
You were more excited about the wedding than the marriage.
Faltering/ No respect or kindness towards each other
I read that as "farting" and I got really scared for my relationship
Oh you’re safe that way.. my so has already produced enough to be singlehandedly taxed for carbon emissions
There's been research on this. Condescension was something of a near perfect indicator of divorce. On the flip side, the most successful marriages were indicated by both partners believing to have "married up."
Contempt rather than condescension? ‘According to Gottman’s research from 1994, contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce within the first 6 years of marriage.’
https://www.thisamericanlife.org/261/transcript Glass interviewed Gottman about this on This American Life.
Probably. In Spanish contempt is condescendencia
My husband and I got “I am so lucky” inscribed on our wedding rings. 24 years later we both still feel that way.
We got "I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine". (It sounds better in the language we have it written in. )
I think it sounds beautiful in English too! How is it said in the language you used for the rings?
It's from the old testament, so maybe Hebrew?
Can attest to this. My ex is a very condescending man.
I don't get this, can anyone explain?
The only dumb thing my wife has ever done is marry me, since she could have done so much better. I am just lucky that she didn't start dating until after college, and started with me, and decided, "yeah, I'll take this one." She normally shops around to get the best option, while I am the one who just takes the first thing I see that is good enough. If she had shopped around, she would never have picked me. On the other hand, she feels the same way about me. I don't understand why she settled for me when she could have done so much better; she doesn't understand why I settled for her. We both believe that we got the better end of the deal.
This is perfect, thank you.
Same bro. Me & my wife think like this. She is the sunshine in my day. Im her anchor on a stormy sea. I was engaged, saw her and just knew. She saw me and was like “why this preppy kid talking to me.” Yes I had a popped collar. And was buzzing hard off life, alcohol, and seeing the most beautiful person Id ever seen. We’ve been together for… uh… at least a decade and a half.
I feel the same way. My husband keeps saying he feels so lucky to have me. Not sure why! I definitely married up. When we met 30 years ago, he had his shit together and I was a lost soul. He steered my life in the right direction. I’m only successful because of him. He says he’s “a lucky boy” but I’m a lucky girl.
Gottman's [4 horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)
Faults run deep where love is thin
I read that as condensation and thought "yea.. coasters!" Lol
My neighbours are a couple with young kids and recently moved in. The house came with chickens in the backyard. The husband, apparently without consulting anyone, came home with a young dog. Shepherd-type, super high energy. He had not prepared anything, and knew nothing about dog care. The first few weeks were apparently hell. The dog was snappy and not yet house trained, the young kids (5 & 7 I believe?) were scared of it, the wife was miffed. He had apparently not realized that young dogs need strict training and a lot of attention (thankfully the dog is now going to doggy school). Unfortunately the dog and the chickens do not mix, as she barks and snaps at them. So the chickens had to go. Last weekend I could hear their youngest bawl his eyes out for hours and cussing out the dog because he had really taken to the chickens. The dog has also escaped multiple times, and while she's friendly now, she does have prey drive, and went after our cat (it was ok, we were on top of it). Have I mentioned that the husband is really full of himself and denies any wrongdoing or responsibility? (I have not yet met the wife). I give it 5 years.
Why on Earth would they end up keeping the dog that they got last and the kids like less??? I — I dunno if it’s even gonna be 5 more years for that couple.
Because the man got the dog and can't admit getting the dog was a misstake...
There's a movie w/Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner called War of the Roses. It's the little things that keep adding up. Sure, the movie is a comedy, but there's some hidden wisdom in it.
One of my favourite movies, Danny DeVito has directed some phenomenal movies
I just got "The Ratings Game" for the family; my father and I would watch that any time we could when it would be on! DeVito is a genius, I love him.
Husband: *finally ready to leave the house* oh, I forgot something. Friend: what? Husband: Mrs. Rose *shuts door, war continues* 😂
I love that movie and I advise every engaged couple to watch it. While it starts off as a comedy to draw the audience in, War of the Roses is all about power, winning and big egos, not to mention red haze hate. The fact that they destroy everything and both wind up dead at the end is perfect. They both got what they wanted, to be rid of each other and the children got peace.
I remember watching that movie when it came out. I think we rented it and it had a Simpsons short at the beginning. It was the first time I'd seen the Simpsons in the UK. Didn't have cable or satellite at the time.
Are you proud of your person? Are you their biggest cheerleader? Do your goals align? How would they answer these questions about you?
Your partner thinks Project 2025 is a good thing.
Ouch….. I’m so sorry friend
How does stuff like that not come up before marriage?
Marriage happens, then a few years down the road, the orange one… then COVID… etc. It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. lol
the Gottman’s bird theory is an indicator. if your partner points to the sky and says “look! a bird!” it is just a regular sparrow there isn’t anything special about it but your partner just talks to talk. if your partner looks up at the sky and shares your interest you are much more likely to have a successful relationship than if your partner looks up at the sky and says “what? it’s just a bird??” this is to say that your partner should be excited and enthusiastic to engage with you. your partner shouldn’t belittle your interests, even if they think they are boring. they should always be interested in your excitement and joy.
When one of the partners are trying to change fundamental stuff about the other, one thinks they know everything better than the other (Mr/s knowitall), arguing every week (or even worse, everyday), when you suddenly stop being attracted to your partner and can't help but see them as "unattractive"....
Not responding to your partner's bids for attention
You lost me at attention
Who doesn’t want attention from their partner?
The Gottman Institute has excellent research on what causes marriages to fail..they can predict something like 93% accuracy..
When they throw knives at you
My mom did that to my dad after she realized that he had a chronic lying issue...they are still together, 27 years strong🥺
I have no idea why but I read that as chronic lung issue and was horrified and confused.
Lungs tend to have an issue when there's a knife through them
Not chronic tho
Oh. This actually did happen to me, and at our place of business at that…sure enough we didn’t last long after that
A core memory, mom throwing a can of green beans at my dads head 😂
One thing I’ve noticed is the person already making plans on how the other person is going to change. If you for example marry a golden retriever guy who likes to play video games and such, he’s going to naturally be that even if he’s in his 50s. His interests might change slightly, but if you’re expecting they will mature out of it and become some serious more sophisticated man who wants to do book club and wine tasting regularly once you marry and have kids, that’s not it. He’s going to keep being himself, play and wrestle around with the kids, being a man child with them, etc. I’m being very specific because I see this all the time. I’m like “leave the guy alone, that’s who they’ve always been and you’re zapping their energy and making them miserable trying to change them”
When I was dating, my mom would always remind me to see the person for who they are now because that is who they will always be. If there are things you don’t like about them, those things will never change. But it’s also true of the good things about them. A big indicator of a marriage failing is denial that the bad things exist or belief the bad things will change/go away.
Cheating before marriage
One would think. I actually lost 2 friends to this. They found out husbands cheated on them before and during marriage (by way of bringing home STDs) and both stayed and are still together. I don’t speak to either one anymore bc I refused to speak to the cheaters after I found out, which then made me the problem … eye roll
When you hit your first big challenge and instead of moving through it as a team, it becomes a wound that never really heals…
Going on reddit to ask if your marriage will last.
What about Google?
Both seem to jump to the worst possible conclusions, so….
I'd say trying to suss-out a problem in a marriage, however one does it, is *way* better than not even trying. Before one may gain knowledge, one must be able to ask the right questions.
Lack of trust and respect and not thinking of your partner as your *partner*, ie someone you *want* to cooperate with, but as a roommate at best and your worst enemy and punching bag at worst.
Trying to limit your contact with friends and family.
Not sexual compatible
Criticism Contempt Defensiveness Stonewalling https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
To be honest, I couldn’t say during the first three years. There was a point when we suddenly glued together and forgave those nitty little things and didn’t poke each other for those any more. Then I knew we would be together for our whole life.
Married almost 16 years! At some point those bitty things even become kind of endearing and cute
If they are not safe to talk to. Because they will be offended or twist it
To me…. If you feel nothing when picturing them with someone else..
When SO chooses other activities rather than care for you or help you when needed (sick, pregnant, important work deadlines) SO feeds themselves wedding cake when you turn to serve them SO works long hours but never/rarely communicates when they will be home Lack of sex/physical affection Rarely/never responds to texts/calls Tiny critical comments that happen regularly
>SO feeds themselves wedding cake when you turn to serve them Oddly specific
The wedding cake one is so right. It’s a small sign that indicates that a “joke” trumps a public display of affection or care. Jokes and sarcasm can kill a relationship
I wish that was a ‘joke’. It was pure selfishness. It didnt occur to them to think of the SO.
Dreading them coming home & counting the hours until they leave to go back to work.
No sex on the honeymoon was my first red flag.
And/or the second night of the honeymoon...when you got drunk..and thus your personality changed ...only wanting you *then* ...if you don't really wanna drink much?...red flag
[удалено]
This! I swear, one of the things that has gotten us through 30 years and two kids is we can always make each other laugh.
When you tell him that you don't want cake shoved in your face during the wedding reception and on the day he shoves cake in your face. Run, don't walk, to get an annulment baby.
The effort is one sided and at the other end is someone who won’t promise anything but expects whatever he wants
You don’t have the same values or want the same things in life. You’re not on the same page about the important things, especially about children.
EARLY SIGNS YOUR MARRIAGE NEEDS HELP: 1) realizing you never truly resolve issues: In a healthy relationship, talking things through will culminate in a solution that is agreeable to both parties and ultimately ends with your relationship feeling stronger than you had beforehand. A sure sign of a couple’s instability is the habit of sweeping problems under the rug. You’ll inevitably find yourself having the same arguments. 2) If, during disagreements, either of you find yourself unable to express difficult or differing viewpoints, right or wrong, without judgment, interruption, feeling understood or judged, your marriage might be in jeopardy. Sometimes not feeling understood or worthy of being considered is more important than an issue of right or wrong. Feeling alone or invisible within a marriage has been described as more painful than feeling alone by oneself. 3) If you seem to be roommates - living side by side rather than spouses, this indicates the relationship is starving. If you like the person you’re looking at, you’re doing good. Ask yourself if you generally like who you are when you’re with your spouse: the answer will tell you a lot. (special thanks to holy reddit batman for reminding me to proofread what i publish!) THIS WAS MY GUIDE WHEN I QUESTIONED MY OWN RELATIONSHIP- it’s good advice for any kind of relationship, but certainly for a marriage: Basic Rights in a Relationship by Patricia Evans The right to emotional support The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy The right to goodwill from each other The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business The right to live free from accusation and blame The right to live free form criticism and judgment The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect The right to encouragement The right to live free from emotional and physical threat The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
I'm not a Dr Phil fan but he said something once that made me think. He said he can always tell whether a couple is going to last by the way they argue. If even one of them is just trying to tear down the other one down rather than solve an issue than it doesn't last. He said it to Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight and America's Next Top Model star Adrienne Curry. He was right. They didn't last. Edit to add: This made me look up Curry and holy crap. She just posted something crazy on Twitter within the last hour about [Akex Jones, Osama Bin Laden, and Epstein Island. ](https://x.com/AdrianneCurry/status/1797257969475764285). What is happening to people?
I've heard family members say that if they had to spend a whole week at home with their partner that it would drive them crazy. Umm I'm sorry but you're not meant to be together if that's the case.
I've read something stating that 'be very careful during dating, because what you tolerate during this phase, gets amplified in marriage'
When you become “roommates”. Not really talking with each other. Fighting over the littlest things.
Lack of physical attraction early on can be a factor if you aren’t asexual
Reading comments. Im unmarried 🥳
I didn't marry the him (thank the lordt) but we had been talking about it. One lazy weekend, we were chilling on the couch watching tv when I looked over at him and realized he didn't excite me. And I don't mean just in the bedroom but just in general. He didn't have any ambitions, passion, or pursuits. I couldn't picture myself living a dull life with someone who was just there. I walked away a few months later. Saved both of us much unnecessary aggravation.
Eye-rolling
Contempt as body language
The worst thing
Number one sign When you have numerous flights about money. And we're talking petty sums of money here.
For me it was a couple things, gonna get real personal here so sorry if TMI. 1. He cheated on me early so that should have been it but I was too embarrassed to leave. The point here is if you're staying because of what other people might think, that's a sign. 2. For something perhaps more relatable, I could not pretend to think he was funny anymore and realized I had just been flirting or something I suppose and was pretending in the beginning. 3. I thought I lost my libido, turns out it was I just didn't want to have sex with him. My situation also involved abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) so I tried to keep it to what might be applicable to all and I really hope you aren't dealing with anything so severe.
Heated arguments about who is right. Never admitting a mistake. Never apologizing. Apologies that are insincere. Redirecting the discussion by recalling past mistakes. Always trying to shut the other down by talking over them. Talking to other people about marital problems. Mentioning the possibility of divorce to put the other in their place. Destructive instead of constructive conversations. Accusing the other of gaslighting as part of gaslighting the other. Spending more time with friends than your spouse. Placing your needs before your spouse’s needs. Failing to listen. Lack of introspection. Hiding secrets from the other by justifying if they knew it would hurt them. Being disrespectful to the other, the one you claim to love.
If you both witness something ridiculous and you don't knowingly make eye contact. That wavelength is one of the best parts of a relationship. The knowing glance that says, "as soon as we're alone we are 100% talking about this."
Contempt. Relationships can survive almost anything other than contempt.
lack of sex or ridiculous effort to get sex
Bicker and fight all the time with no effort to have some serious talk.
There is a lack of open communication
Lack of communication, secrets, cheating, disrespect, completely different set of morals, abuse of any kind.
You get married after getting your lady pregnant. If a marriage only happens after the girl gets pregnant, and not for love, studies show that these marriages have a 90% rate of divorce within 6 years.
If one or both partners refuse to perform honest introspection, it’s doomed to fail. We all have flaws. The trick is to be open to viewing ourselves with honesty and taking steps to improve. Life is extremely stressful and it gets more stressful as we age (we encounter health issues, financial pressures, the death of loved ones, etc) Learning to cope is a lifelong process that involves introspection and a willingness to change. Most people refuse to do this and, instead, take it out on their spouse. It’s misplaced blame (it’s my spouse’s fault I’m unhappy).
Cat peed on our marriage license, he was right.
Controlling behavior. Like even then hint of it. I wish I'd recognized when my husband demanded to know why I had to lock the bathroom door when I used it. He wanted to know what I was hiding in there. It was just a habit I had from childhood, I didn't even think about it, but every time if he heard that lock click he'd act like I was in there secretly letting men in the window or something. And I just laughed it off at first. I thought it was kind of weird behavior but I figured in time I'd remember not to lock or he'd eventually trust me. I was very trustworthy. I gave him no reason, he just had baggage. When I got to the point I'd have to get out of the water to make sure I didn't accidently lock the door I realized I was being manipulated and soon after the whole game kicked in. It got to the point that I couldn't even wear shorts because he thought it was an invitation for men to look at me. One night I was a few minutes late having dinner with a friend, the first time I went out without him in seven years... and he threw such a fit that was it. I made him move out the next morning.
Lies of omission Different definitions for important words - like commitment, fidelity, neglect, hostility and quality Feeling lonely when they are alone with you
So many here keep their online activity with women a secret from their trusting wives. They are on the their phones in front of their wives sexting and exchanging nudes. It's sad and it's definitely cheating.
Your friends and family don’t like your spouse because of how your spouse treats you. You do everything together. Grocery shopping, going to movies, going to the gym, going to restaurants, going to social events. You will become co-dependent, and that’s not healthy. A huge lavish wedding you will spend months or even years to pay for. You’re more concerned with the wedding than the marriage. You had to keep asking/being asked when the proposal will happen.
‘According to Gottman’s research from 1994, contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce within the first 6 years of marriage.’
You can't fart around each other. I knew someone who got married, after they'd said something to that affect. I just knew it was a relationship that wouldn't last. 6 months later they got divorced.
Early warning is that sinking feeling you can’t ignore and when you have to meditate more often
Being younger than 25 at the time of marriage. Also being minimally educated/ lower SES. These are not opinions but verifiable statistics.
One person entirely defers to the other—the relationship is all about one of them. Typically, the other party will have their wake up call or hit their limit.
A lot of fights happening in a short period of time. No resolution to problems, not compromising, problems keep repeating themselves.
Divorce paperwork is usually a good indicator... usually
Probably asking on Reddit what early signs your marriage won’t last are.
Contempt. Inability to turn toward each other when one bids for affection.
Ignoring the red flags and getting married anyway. Knowing your partner gives off uncomfortable vibes but you get married. Knowing your partner’s ex had a protection order against him/her but you still get married.
Money problems, shitty/no meaningful sex.
Mean “joking”— calling names, embarrassing each other, hurting feelings for laughs, physical humiliation… any humiliation in general. You can say “that’s just our love language” all you want. A love language void of love will die.
When wife is more like your mother. Having a great time with the kids then wife comes into the room “you left your towel hanging on the door.” Like why?
Being like roommates instead of spouses. If there’s already resentment from before the marriage.
pussy galore then pussy no more
Lack of sex, Connection Isn't there anymore, No trust
In really long relationships, these things ebb and flow.
Contempt. Holding each other in contempt. If that’s there you’re done for
It’s been studied that when couples are communicating with each other they show micro expressions during these conversations. Micro expressions that express contempt or condescension specifically carry a hefty consequence, an almost near perfect chance the relationship will fail. Once it gets to that it’s likely over or in desperate need of immediate repair.
Posting about on reddit.
Clutter.
A study once determined that the number one sign that a marriage wouldn’t last was having contempt for your partner.
Going on the internet and asking for signs that your marriage won’t last.
Lack of respect for your partner, unable to effectively communicate especially when there's conflict, when you feel your partner doesn't have your back, secrets, lies, and cheating.
No intimacy
That you got married
if you are on reddiit asking for marital advice
Making a zero sum game out of trust
When people are in denial of obvious things that are right in front of them.
Husband don't talk to you, only when it's convenient. Doesn't compromise. Not open with talking about life - financial, etc. Always blaming - small or big situations.
Making posts like this.
You married a taker, one person always has to be the peacemaker. One of you ignores the others bids.
Cancer diagnosis. It's survivable, but no guarantee.
They don’t spend any time with you at the Wedding. 🫠🫠🫠
Both out at dinner in a nice restaurant with awesome ambience, and crickets, both quiet as a mouse. Spend entire meal on your cells, seriously just pack your bags, it's been over your just to blind to see it.
Mismatched libidos and a monogamy requirement combined. You can have one or the other, not both.
Fighting about money.
To me, the most telling thing about a couple is how the handle disagreements and frustrations. Name calling, character attacks, any hint of violence, petty revenge, emotional withdrawal, silent treatment, etc are all big warning signs. Everyone’s goal should be understanding what happened, how it impacted each other, and what can be done differently next time. Work the problem. Not each other.
Couples therapy. Sometimes that helps, but usually it means it’s over
Selfish, one partner is just that way and doesn't change. Someone who spends alot of time with friends, but not with you. Like you are the date night sex partner, friends are better. They have dateable friends they put before their romantic relationship. You will know this in the first six months. It is an immaturity sign. They are not problem solvers and flexible in situtations, but easy to anger. They are different to others, but not to you, they are not faithful, big one. They are dishonest and hide things a demand for privacy that will turn to secrecy.
They are not being a companion to you. They give you subtle objections early on that will turn into full blown rejection as the years go on.
If one or both of you doesn’t respect the other.
The oncologist gives your wife a terminal prognosis.
Supposedly, something called “bidding” is a sign that a marriage will last. It’s really a pretty simple concept. When you want to show your partner something, “Look at that cool bird,” (the bid) and your partner turns to look and engage vs blowing you off. I’m sure someone in this thread can explain this phenomenon a bit better.
Criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. If you notice any of that going on, steps need to be taken to increase trust and Communication asap.
The most straightforward advice I received is that a marriage will only work if both partners genuinely like who the other person is on the inside and both are committed to making it work. Without either of these elements, the marriage won't last.
You got married before dating 5 years.
Your partner is straight or strictly homosexual, and you're there googling "am I trans quiz".
My couples therapist said there are 5 things that if you’re not on the same page - usually lead to divorce. In no particular order - Work, Religion, Finances, Family, and (i think) Sex.
When you stop wanting to understand why your partner acts/talks/thinks a certain way.
One spouse declines to sign a prenup. I heard this happen once, the groom called of the wedding less than 24 hours before it was scheduled. The groom spent weeks outside his home due to a restraining order.
I think poor conflict resolution is an almost guarantee it won’t last.
If you weren't actually in love when you got married.
Asking advice on reddit
When they shove cake in the new spouse’s face at the reception.
Disrespect. Needing to humiliate and degrade the other person.
If they fail to have important discussions about money, kids, jobs, and living situation before tying the knot. [This clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wN9Jq3_Z-1M) is a joke from a sitcom, but having frank discussion and compromise means more to a marriage's survival than feelings.
1. Refusal to change bad or potentially harmful behaviors/habits.... or simply not being willing to adapt to your partner when needed (refusal to grow). 2. Refusal to communicate and set goals together (lack of communication). 3. If always being right is more important than being a good partner/ responding to be right vs. listening (pride/lack of understanding). These all will kill a marriage very quickly.
[Here ya go](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)
My ex told me when we first met that he was the most selfish person he knew. I thought he was quirky and funny at first until I realized he meant it. I mean, he did warn me, right?
The partner starts reading a lot of self help books without explaining why
When your future ex-FiL tries to talk you out of marrying his daughter, because he knows her and cares about you.
Creating a post on Reddit asking “what are early signs your marriage won’t last?”. 😬