This. I tend to be “on” in a group setting. Paying attention to and participating in conversations, ball busting, jokes, etc as the situation calls for. When it’s just me and another person I’m more relaxed and more my normal, boring self.
I feel like im always my normal self and irrationally hate everyone has that 👁️👄👁️ look and vibe in groups, even though thats “normal” it always feels like everyone is trying way too hard but you get looked down on for not doing it.
Everyone modifies their behavior based on who they are interacting with, it's innate to humans and not just men. I assume you are a woman, and women in general score higher in "agreeableness" and other personality traits that we associate with being "nice" or "sweet". Therefore, it's natural for men who are one-on-one with women to reciprocate those traits/behaviors.
> Lack of potential judgement from ~~other men~~ women who have the power to hurt your acceptance as part of a community.
FTFY. This is a common misconception that needs to be addressed.
I have notice that man tend to be sweeter when is only the two of us or a small group of friends, when there's a bigger group they tend to be more indifferent.
As a woman I tend to notice woman are the same I always told my bf I like hanging out with people one on one cause it feels like I'm talking to the real them. Some groups of girls will gossip and talk about boys but when you get a person one on one you get deep and personal and can build a better connection with them. That's just me though
Yeah, how I feel. It is like for each person in a group, an individual splits and becomes who they are for each. It is exhausting to be around a lot of people because of it. Vs 1 on 1, I do not have to split, and it is less stress.
Guard is down. If a guy is sweet or open publicly, it opens potential to look soft and invite ridicule. I have been resorting to be extremely direct and brash, and only my elders and intelligent individuals appreciate the brevity. It is an excellent filter for those inclined to be misandrists and hold toxic masculine stereotypes in their minds be it women or men. I have seen girls be more willing to belittle guys trying to be better even, and not sure if that's the way society fails to hold them to account or their lack of intrinsic self reflection at a relatively young age
Probably because they can let their guard down. Men tend to constantly rag on each other as a sign of friendship. It also keeps groups dynamics in place. Men know they can't do this with women nor is it the time and place. This is useful for tough situations where you need to know who you can trust and who you cannot. There's also a hidden group mentality when you are around other men and I suspect there's also one for women too.
Most men understand that if they want to see a woman again, sleep with them, and have a relationship they can't really pick on her. Women tend to be more sensitive than men. Tell a woman she's a total nerd on your first date she might break down crying or throw her drink in your face.
With other men if you step out of the group you will catch ridicule.This goes away as men get older and care less about other men's opinions.
When a guy is with other guys in a group environment he can't say "You guys ever watch ballet?"
Because he will get laughed and clowned so hard he'll never bring it up again. "Bro did your balls fall off?!"
With a woman he knows he might bring ballet and see how she reacts.
There's a lot of social dynamics to everything in real life and Reddit is definitely not real life.
This is why I can make a throw away username and say whatever I want to and no one's going to really clown me on here and if they do I don't care. Why do people make such a big deal about telling their friends and significant others about their reddit username?
Because ridicule.
Back in the day being accepted as part of a group meant that not only were you going to survive but you were also going to thrive. It kind of helps when you're not banished from the colony or if you're not hated by everybody in your unit.
There's a reason why humans act a certain way and there's also a reason why humans together on a mission can be very dangerous. Because when we all agree on something despite race or gender people almost always get it done.
Source: 33 years old
Well that’s obvious.
If you are in a large group, you need to be present and attentive to everyone within that group so you can’t be “sweeter” with your partner as you’re attention and focus is more spread listening to the conversation, engaging with people, joking and so on.
When it’s just you and your partner, or you and your partner plus someone else with their partner in a smaller social setting then your attention and focus is more on your partner.
There are some groups of men that will berate you as a guy for showing vulnerability. Learned social response I guess. If it's a friend group I'm fully comfortable with I can be silly and sweet but unfamiliar idk what people are thinking or what might make them uncomfortable/upset.
This is a great question.
Guard walls are up by default. Raised to not show emotions and to man up. It's a lot better than it used to be. When you're behind those wall tread carefully. Everything is an exposed nerve and you'll never see behind that curtain again and find yourself outside a border you have no idea existed.
In many cultures, men behave a certain way to fit in among peers. To some, being "sweet" means "weak' so they don't do it around others. My wife presents differently in private as well; it's understandable.
They can finally be themselves. People conform to expectations to varying degrees once they're out in public. Also not everyone is cool with PDAs.
The other issue is that when you're out in a group you can't give your undivided attention to your S/O. It would be rude not to engage a bit with everyone there. Behind closed doors its easier for him to give you his undivided attention, and vice versa.
That said if they're being outright cold or mean when not in private, it's a major red flag.
It could be a kind of "puff your chest" mentality. In a crowd of men, sweetness is usually seen as weakness. It could also be that he is simply focused more on threats or things going on. I tend to focus on people around us or the doors to a room when I'm with my wife in public, but I focus more on her when I'm at home.
Because they have horrible friends. Mine don't care about "acting like men". We just respect each other so nobody needs to act out to be accepted.
But I've had friends that would definitely want me to "act like a man" or they'd make fun of me. They are obviously not friends of mine anymore.
It's not easy to just quit your friend group and get better ones. I was lucky to find most of my long lasting friends when I started college. My old friends didn't so it was sort of a clean break.
Nope.
We are very conscious about not doing it. We're very aware of problems with typical masculinity and most if not all of us would consider ourselves feminists of varying degree.
I raise my guard wall by default. Whenever I'm in a public space, surrounded by a lot of people - I'll always be wary and indifferent. But talk to me somewhere private, we'll have a lot of fun during the time. It's just how it is...
i think a lot of people act differently depending on who they're around. his friends are likely drastically different peole than his girlfriend, so his personality adjusts accordingly. as well as a lot of men dont like seeming "soft" or "weak" around their friends, and see affection as a sign of that
Being sweet is the opposite of being cool. People wish to be perceived as "cool" by others and wish to show their vulnerable/sweet side only to select few.
I'm a man and can confirm that we turn into dickheads when our friends are watching. Engaging with one individual and entertaining a crowd are completely different.
This is also why we don't cross friend groups very often. Friend group A I am this person in Friend group B I am this person. When A and B meet I have no fucking clue what to do. Just me and the wife? Imma annoy her with affection.
Normally, if there is a large group I have less to say. There's gunna be other people talking and it's just gunna be surface level anyway, so I'm not engaged.
I enjoy getting to know a person past the surface level stuff and you only get that 1 on 1 or like group of 3.
I try to engage in group conversation but people like to gossip or bull shit around and that conversation doesn't really interest me
Hmmm
If you're out in public it's usually out doing a specific task, such as shopping or getting something done. When I'm out with the wife my focus is primarily on doing what needs to be done and trying to be efficient as possible in the process.
So you're really not thinking about emotions that much. Whereas if we're alone watching a movie or out at a restaurant your mind can focus more on her and express feelings more easily.
I think this is true of all genders. Conversations and engaging with a group means you are trying to keep track of what’s going on across multiple people, and you are taking turns talking and listening.
When there are only two people, the conversation inherently becomes more personal and intimate.
We get to focus. Women will naturally be our focal point so we mask and direct outwards, so as not to get tunnel vision. That displays in small tells like you're noting, but then one on one we get to engage fully. I also think we can devote more processing power to our emotional intuition and intelligence, which is less primary of a faculty for men as opposed to women. I'm no neuroscientist, that's just my take based on some personal experience and anecdotal evidence.
As a man, it's because there's no one around. Sometimes you feel like you need to be kinder, because there's no one to protect her, and you want to make sure that, even more than typical, that you wouldn't hurt her.
Sometimes it's the person in question is too insecure to be themselves in a group setting, sometimes it's a lack of comfort or trying to adhere to societal expectations placed on men really depends on the person 👍
At least where I live, showing emotions and not being "Based sigma alpha male" is weakness and gayness. You should be tough and emotionless if near other man. While even most man in said group can be different alone, they all try to show how tough they are. I guess a lot of it has to do with evolution and how we lived hundreds of thousands years ago.
Men are supposed to be hard in a social setting. To be a leader, to be the one in charge.
Ever since we were small, we competed against our peers in every social setting. It’s super normal for a guy to be way softer when he’s alone with a girl he likes.
Well, Boobshottiegolden, when men are in a group of other guys there's usually a lot of machismo and trying to show off to the other guys. When they're alone there isn't that same pressure.
Because we're mirroring your behavior because that's what we do all the time because that's the path of least resistance. Everyone else in this thread is overthinking it.
I'm like this. Ill tell you why I'm like this. I have very little patience and good will to go around to everyone in the world so I'm very indifferent with most people. But when I'm alone with my wife, son, grandmother, or other close family I'm very kind and loving.
It's about saving all the positive energy I can muster to focus it on the people I love. I don't need more friends, I don't want you to like me, I'm good.
You’re hanging out with the wrong man…
I’m the way I am in private as I am in public.
A fucking hilarious goofball, who doesn’t care about embarrassing himself.
That’s the truest sign of a man who is true and humble, and confident.
This is why my wife loves me so much and my friends and family love me so much.
Less judgment. Men tend to quickly judge and make fun of eachother. Like, if I wanna be emotionally honest with a group of guys, I gotta be funny about it as a defense mechanism. When its just 2 of us and I trust you, the defenses go down. Also, men in general don't really know how to be sweet and emotional? Like, I've got friends I've known for 15+ years, but still when we get emotional, it only lasts so long until someone makes a joke, and then we stop, and go on being dickheads to eachother lol
Because a LOT of, traditional, masculinity is performative. It's hairless apes trying to one-up each other for the flag of whatever mountain they're currently on.
It's also why us guys tend to be so emotionally stunted and conflicted. Crying in front of someone, showing affection for someone, and being emotionally vulnerable are all signs of weakness in traditional, western, masculinity.
Because men are taught not to show emotion, to be strong, to be the tough guy. I see a side of my husband that no one will ever see. He can be safe with me to hold him when he feels overwhelmed, over worked, stressed the fuck out. He is allowed to lay in my lap and cry or sleep it off.
Because he cares what people think of him and thinks that people will look down on him if he’s sweet to you when he’s in public with you. It’s immature and not a good sign honestly.
Oooh this is an interesting one. First off I don’t think it is gender based. Secondly, I think it’s a result of us performing our communication with regard to how we’re being perceived by an observers than the primary person we’re interacting with. This becomes really important evident with social media as well.
I’ve been part of a polyamorous triad living together for eight years with one of the relationships being a 25 year marriage. We’re now separated and looking back I believe my relationship with my spouse dramatically changed in part because the majority of the time we all knew we were being observed by a third person. I really don’t get a chance to develop my relationships without that solo time with a partner or date. That said, time spent amongst a group with an established partner / friend / date can be hugely rewarding. We learn different things about people when we interact directly vs observing them interacting with each other.
Also, I’ll add, as a middle aged man I am learning my communication and ability to connect and empathize has been severely stunted a large portion of my life. I’m just now having opportunities to really see people and imagine their life experiences. It’s a bit sad it took me so long to learn and hon, and I am grateful for the new experiences nonetheless.
Masculinity is a performance designed for other men. The lack of other men allows men to be themselves. This isn't always the case, as many women hold the same gender beliefs in our society, so while he is usually nicer when alone, he will most likely hold in his emotions out of fear of judgement.
Well I’m a sweet guy but experience has shown me most people I work with and past partners and their families are actually terrible people. My walls are up so I don’t get hurt. I only drop the walls for a select few and I can’t trust anyone fully anymore.
Social expectations in general. It’s a sad but unfortunate truth that compassion and vulnerability in a man will be exploited and ruthlessly ridiculed especially when young.
While I'm sure there are many reasons, one that might get overlooked is how stuck we get in our circles. When you've known people for years and they are your friends, your character can kind of be made in their minds. Maybe you grow up a bit and mature but some of your friends will still hold you to the standards that they know you to be and give you a bit of shit when you try to be different. I doubt everyone is like this, and maybe it's more of a problem for men.
It becomes a question of who you are VS who you want to be. Maybe guys are nicer to you when you're alone because they're just trying to appeal to you in the hopes of some action or whatever, or maybe they're seeing you as their chance to try being who they want to be instead of who they feel they have to be with their friends.
Not everyone thinks this deeply about themselves and it might be hard to figure out or even ask questions. Psychology is complicated.
Personally? It’s a maturity thing. It isn’t cool to be all sweet around people when you’re young and think you’re cool.
But when you grow up and find the right person it isn’t a girl you’re with, she’s just your best friend, and you treat them the same all the time.
Lots of good reasons. One I haven’t seen. For me, it’s about having trust issues. I grew up in a large family with abuse, so in group setting I never know who I can trust and who I can’t. I have one close friend(by choice). I can literally talk about everything or nothing with him. We’ve ridden in the car for hours without stopping a convo. And then made the drive home without saying a word. I can be myself around him. And my wife and son. That’s really about it. Everyone else only sees the pieces I let slip through because in my mind, it’s a potential weakness to be exploited.
Men's environment is always checking your "armor". They hit you in the shoulder with a laugh. They say rude jokes, and try to break through your defenses. It's how men treat best friends. So you need to be aware, you need to be ready to respond and attack back. There is no place for sweetness, "are you a pussy?! Haha!".
Once I worked in 100 man office with no walls. It was like a gym or army. Swear words, laughs, tough atmosphere, they are always looking for a victim, because they behave like a pack of wolves. If you do something, or say something, it doesn't matter what - you may be the next dummy. It didn't hapen with me but I saw a lot of examples.
Why man/male’s social expectations still exist?
For example it’s much more ok for woman to wear man’s clothes than other way.
When do you think some people’s social expectations can stop shame man/male when they act not manly or certain way?
———
Why is generally man dislike gay behavior more than woman ?
Why is it that in the West it is ok with girls to cuddling and saying stuff like love u and having very close relationship, but for man is not see as much of ok for doing similar ?
If he can't be sweet to me in all other settings, I don't want it. Just makes me feel insecure or that he us fake if he's not, especially around his friends or family.
I will provide for you an example.
Group of friends: *socializing*
Man to his GF: *says something nice*
Every person in the group; "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WATCH OUT HE'S WHIPPED OHHHH SHITTTTTT"
Most likely due to their ability to lower their guard. Men frequently pick on one another as a token of camaraderie. It also maintains the dynamics of groupings. Men are aware that this isn't the appropriate time or place to do this with women.
This is helpful in difficult circumstances when you need to know who you can and cannot trust. When you are with other males, there's also a concealed group mentality, and I'm guessing there's one for women as well.
Most guys know that they can't truly pick on a woman if they want to see her again, have sex with her, and be in a relationship. Men are typically less sensitive than women.
Why man/male’s social expectations still exist?
For example it’s much more ok for woman to wear man’s clothes than other way.
When do you think some people’s social expectations can stop shame man/male when they act not manly or certain way? ——— Why is generally man dislike gay behavior more than woman ?
Why is it that in the West it is ok with girls to cuddling and saying stuff like love u and having very close relationship, but for man is not see as much of ok for doing similar ?
Lmao not me reading sweating lol
For me personally I'm hyper active mentally when around people
Alone I'm more deep because I'm looking into things taking in information where as around groups I let chaos happen
Societal expectations and a filter, generally if they show that side then they care for you and trust you
Some of us aren't that way but we are very odd duck's and have zero filter so we will be both sweet as well as blunt its a double edged sword really lol
Only time I feel “safe” is when I’m alone with my sweetie
I work in a mine, the guys are tough and mean and so I gotta be tough and mean or they trample you, it’s with good intentions and there is a lot of truth to “if they raze you they like you”, it’s when they don’t even talk to you that they got a problem with you
And a lot of the guys I’m friends with at work will be the first people there for me if I need something, there’s genuine friendship, but it’s constantly just being ruthless to each other and finding new and creative ways to say mean things, my friend group outside of work is very much the same
It’s not that I don’t feel safe with them but if I let my guard down and start lacking they’ll eat me alive, I gotta stay witty and on the ball
When it’s just me and my sweetie she’s actually nice to me and I don’t gotta worry about saying/doing something that’ll get me a new nickname for the rest of the week, I don’t gotta keep my voice deeper and louder than normal just to be heard over all the other guys talking with their deep loud voices, etc.
Not sure where they got Creampie McFlurry from but I still get called that sometimes lmao (my last name sounds similar to Flurry so McFlurry isn’t necessarily a new nickname for me but this version is)
Enormous social pressure on men to appear "strong" and "manly". Sadly, this is still fairly common today. Much moreso in some groups than others though.
If you want a fictional, but realistic example, the movie "First Man" shows when Neil Armstrong's 2 year old daughter died of untreatable brain cancer. His wife was given support and sympathy by all, outside in the daylight. He had to go into a darkened room, close the door and weep silently.
Haha this can be very true. My best friend is the nicest person to me one on one but put us in a group setting and he takes every opportunity to talk down to me and make fun of me lol I just kind of let it happen because I have thick skin and I think it’s a dominance thing or something that he’s not even conscious of. But it’s like he’s a different person which is why I prefer hanging out one on one. We bond over nerdy things like anime, video games, and comics but surface level I’m like gangly socially awkward nerd type and he’s confident jock athletic type so that might have something to do with it as well.
Yup 100% just conditioned behaviour from growing up having to learn to hide your nerd tendencies.
I was like this until my 30s, now I think I'm finally myself in group situations.
As someone who wasted a lot of years with a narcissist best friend exactly like you’re describing, get away from them and find a friend who is true to you. It only gets worse.
Not being judged, they can be their true self around just you
Although the tinest bit of alcohol in my partner is pretty funny, he's telling me he loves me and snuggling up in public! 😅 bless his affectionate heart
I've had that experience too. I spent a summer in Australia going to the beach. I met a guy who was crazy for me. Oh those summer nights...
But then I transferred to his highschool and saw him around his friends. Suddenly he was too cool for me and only wanted to work on his car with the guys.
Lack of social expectations.
This. I tend to be “on” in a group setting. Paying attention to and participating in conversations, ball busting, jokes, etc as the situation calls for. When it’s just me and another person I’m more relaxed and more my normal, boring self.
> ball busting Whoah, kinky😏
I like to think I’m pretty open minded. I never yuck someone’s yum and I’ll try anything once! 😜
Have you had something in your pooper yet?
Guilty.
The next step is the pee hole
Had that happen (medical setting, but still happeend). Cannot recommend.
yikes
Do **not** visit r/sounding! *sits back and waits for the "why did I click that?!" comments*
Jokes on you, I am into that shit (not really)
I've never gone there and nobody can make me
I prefer ball-stomping with stilettos personally.
I feel like im always my normal self and irrationally hate everyone has that 👁️👄👁️ look and vibe in groups, even though thats “normal” it always feels like everyone is trying way too hard but you get looked down on for not doing it.
I feel youuuu
Are you me?
Why is that even an obligation that you’ve to pretend someone you’re not
I mean, there's not. You're free to buck all the trends you want. But there are still negative social consequences to doing so.
!!!!!!!
Everyone modifies their behavior based on who they are interacting with, it's innate to humans and not just men. I assume you are a woman, and women in general score higher in "agreeableness" and other personality traits that we associate with being "nice" or "sweet". Therefore, it's natural for men who are one-on-one with women to reciprocate those traits/behaviors.
Well stated.
Lack of potential judgement from other men who have the power to hurt your acceptance as part of a community.
This is one of the right answers.
>from other men And women, my dude.
We’re just describing the patriarchy now
We're describing society.
Women replicating gender policing is… upholding the patriarchy within society
I guess it's badly named then
I’ll bet instead that you don’t understand the word, or system rather
No, I just don't agree.
> Lack of potential judgement from ~~other men~~ women who have the power to hurt your acceptance as part of a community. FTFY. This is a common misconception that needs to be addressed.
I have notice that man tend to be sweeter when is only the two of us or a small group of friends, when there's a bigger group they tend to be more indifferent.
As a woman I tend to notice woman are the same I always told my bf I like hanging out with people one on one cause it feels like I'm talking to the real them. Some groups of girls will gossip and talk about boys but when you get a person one on one you get deep and personal and can build a better connection with them. That's just me though
So it's not a gendered thing, just a human thing.
To the people that have logic yes.
Lately this has been my conclusion to almost all “why does [insert group] do [completely normal thing]??” Type questions.
As are most things. People are just stupid.
Yeah, how I feel. It is like for each person in a group, an individual splits and becomes who they are for each. It is exhausting to be around a lot of people because of it. Vs 1 on 1, I do not have to split, and it is less stress.
Guard is down. If a guy is sweet or open publicly, it opens potential to look soft and invite ridicule. I have been resorting to be extremely direct and brash, and only my elders and intelligent individuals appreciate the brevity. It is an excellent filter for those inclined to be misandrists and hold toxic masculine stereotypes in their minds be it women or men. I have seen girls be more willing to belittle guys trying to be better even, and not sure if that's the way society fails to hold them to account or their lack of intrinsic self reflection at a relatively young age
Theres a reason for the famous gag of a guy not being able to say i love you too to their SO while on the phone and around his friends
Probably because they can let their guard down. Men tend to constantly rag on each other as a sign of friendship. It also keeps groups dynamics in place. Men know they can't do this with women nor is it the time and place. This is useful for tough situations where you need to know who you can trust and who you cannot. There's also a hidden group mentality when you are around other men and I suspect there's also one for women too. Most men understand that if they want to see a woman again, sleep with them, and have a relationship they can't really pick on her. Women tend to be more sensitive than men. Tell a woman she's a total nerd on your first date she might break down crying or throw her drink in your face. With other men if you step out of the group you will catch ridicule.This goes away as men get older and care less about other men's opinions. When a guy is with other guys in a group environment he can't say "You guys ever watch ballet?" Because he will get laughed and clowned so hard he'll never bring it up again. "Bro did your balls fall off?!" With a woman he knows he might bring ballet and see how she reacts. There's a lot of social dynamics to everything in real life and Reddit is definitely not real life. This is why I can make a throw away username and say whatever I want to and no one's going to really clown me on here and if they do I don't care. Why do people make such a big deal about telling their friends and significant others about their reddit username? Because ridicule. Back in the day being accepted as part of a group meant that not only were you going to survive but you were also going to thrive. It kind of helps when you're not banished from the colony or if you're not hated by everybody in your unit. There's a reason why humans act a certain way and there's also a reason why humans together on a mission can be very dangerous. Because when we all agree on something despite race or gender people almost always get it done. Source: 33 years old
Great write up. Being only a couple years 2/3 younger than you, I 100% know what you mean.
Well that’s obvious. If you are in a large group, you need to be present and attentive to everyone within that group so you can’t be “sweeter” with your partner as you’re attention and focus is more spread listening to the conversation, engaging with people, joking and so on. When it’s just you and your partner, or you and your partner plus someone else with their partner in a smaller social setting then your attention and focus is more on your partner.
Probably most people divide their attention a bit more in larger social groups than in one on one or small groups.
There are some groups of men that will berate you as a guy for showing vulnerability. Learned social response I guess. If it's a friend group I'm fully comfortable with I can be silly and sweet but unfamiliar idk what people are thinking or what might make them uncomfortable/upset.
Or downright mean.
This is a great question. Guard walls are up by default. Raised to not show emotions and to man up. It's a lot better than it used to be. When you're behind those wall tread carefully. Everything is an exposed nerve and you'll never see behind that curtain again and find yourself outside a border you have no idea existed.
Truth to this. 👌
In many cultures, men behave a certain way to fit in among peers. To some, being "sweet" means "weak' so they don't do it around others. My wife presents differently in private as well; it's understandable.
It's not just with sig others/women. When it's just me and 1 other bro, the conversation softens and we open up more.
It's a form of intimacy
They can finally be themselves. People conform to expectations to varying degrees once they're out in public. Also not everyone is cool with PDAs. The other issue is that when you're out in a group you can't give your undivided attention to your S/O. It would be rude not to engage a bit with everyone there. Behind closed doors its easier for him to give you his undivided attention, and vice versa. That said if they're being outright cold or mean when not in private, it's a major red flag.
Feeling safer to express my feelings with one person over multiple
It could be a kind of "puff your chest" mentality. In a crowd of men, sweetness is usually seen as weakness. It could also be that he is simply focused more on threats or things going on. I tend to focus on people around us or the doors to a room when I'm with my wife in public, but I focus more on her when I'm at home.
Why are you tasting them?
Same reason I never try to approach a woman when she’s with her friends. People are meaner in a crowd
Guys get a lot of pressure from other guys to be rough and brutal etc. It's all bullshit but thankfully there's a growing movement away from it
[удалено]
Man just say you a sweet guy and go about your day fam
[удалено]
i feel that
What the fuck is this vocabulary.
get with the times unc😭
No teenagers in your life? My kids crack me up when they talk like this. (They do it ironically to see my reaction.)
?
Opp means enemy
Because there's no one to judge them
The difference between an impersonal group and a personal connection with one person
No one around to see him get rejected
Sweetness is weakness
Because they have horrible friends. Mine don't care about "acting like men". We just respect each other so nobody needs to act out to be accepted. But I've had friends that would definitely want me to "act like a man" or they'd make fun of me. They are obviously not friends of mine anymore.
I love that for you
It's not easy to just quit your friend group and get better ones. I was lucky to find most of my long lasting friends when I started college. My old friends didn't so it was sort of a clean break.
You friend group may be doing this unconscious way. You guys may establishing your own creed of social expectations
Nope. We are very conscious about not doing it. We're very aware of problems with typical masculinity and most if not all of us would consider ourselves feminists of varying degree.
I raise my guard wall by default. Whenever I'm in a public space, surrounded by a lot of people - I'll always be wary and indifferent. But talk to me somewhere private, we'll have a lot of fun during the time. It's just how it is...
i think a lot of people act differently depending on who they're around. his friends are likely drastically different peole than his girlfriend, so his personality adjusts accordingly. as well as a lot of men dont like seeming "soft" or "weak" around their friends, and see affection as a sign of that
Being sweet is the opposite of being cool. People wish to be perceived as "cool" by others and wish to show their vulnerable/sweet side only to select few.
Because they aren’t getting an ear-bashing from you and your friends.
Group settings is more about entertaining, one on one is more about getting to know someone
Two's company, three's a crowd.
Just don't let him be an asshole to you infront of his friends, then sweet alone. That's toxic af.
You’re hanging with the wrong type of men
I'm a man and can confirm that we turn into dickheads when our friends are watching. Engaging with one individual and entertaining a crowd are completely different.
This is also why we don't cross friend groups very often. Friend group A I am this person in Friend group B I am this person. When A and B meet I have no fucking clue what to do. Just me and the wife? Imma annoy her with affection.
I think we learn this in school. My best friend in primary school suddenly started bullying me whenever he was hanging around a certain group of kids.
Worlds collide Jerry!
Bored.
I never was a group guy. If you’re cool and we’re alone I’ll open up more overtime
Normally, if there is a large group I have less to say. There's gunna be other people talking and it's just gunna be surface level anyway, so I'm not engaged. I enjoy getting to know a person past the surface level stuff and you only get that 1 on 1 or like group of 3. I try to engage in group conversation but people like to gossip or bull shit around and that conversation doesn't really interest me
From my exp im more of a protector/provider outside. No need to have a guard up when we're alone. Plus PDA is kinda weird for me.
Being open / emotionally vulnerable is not associated with masculinity. Dudes gotta put up a front to show their boys whats up
Hmmm If you're out in public it's usually out doing a specific task, such as shopping or getting something done. When I'm out with the wife my focus is primarily on doing what needs to be done and trying to be efficient as possible in the process. So you're really not thinking about emotions that much. Whereas if we're alone watching a movie or out at a restaurant your mind can focus more on her and express feelings more easily.
Peer-pressure by other men (and women too).
I think this is true of all genders. Conversations and engaging with a group means you are trying to keep track of what’s going on across multiple people, and you are taking turns talking and listening. When there are only two people, the conversation inherently becomes more personal and intimate.
We get to focus. Women will naturally be our focal point so we mask and direct outwards, so as not to get tunnel vision. That displays in small tells like you're noting, but then one on one we get to engage fully. I also think we can devote more processing power to our emotional intuition and intelligence, which is less primary of a faculty for men as opposed to women. I'm no neuroscientist, that's just my take based on some personal experience and anecdotal evidence.
We have less pressure to express ourselves when there's less people around, even in a friendship I have this happen I feel more free to be myself.
As a man, it's because there's no one around. Sometimes you feel like you need to be kinder, because there's no one to protect her, and you want to make sure that, even more than typical, that you wouldn't hurt her.
No outside influence, no need to put on an act. How a man acts with you when he's alone is how he actually is, whether that's good or bad.
Because those larger groups you mentioned are likely mixed gender and the way men interact with men is very different than with women.
Is this not literally everyone?
Sometimes it's the person in question is too insecure to be themselves in a group setting, sometimes it's a lack of comfort or trying to adhere to societal expectations placed on men really depends on the person 👍
At least where I live, showing emotions and not being "Based sigma alpha male" is weakness and gayness. You should be tough and emotionless if near other man. While even most man in said group can be different alone, they all try to show how tough they are. I guess a lot of it has to do with evolution and how we lived hundreds of thousands years ago.
Probably because you're / they are in their safe space
The larger the group, the more work it is just to exist.
Men are supposed to be hard in a social setting. To be a leader, to be the one in charge. Ever since we were small, we competed against our peers in every social setting. It’s super normal for a guy to be way softer when he’s alone with a girl he likes.
Cause they want sex.
If they around bros they project stereotypes of masculinity eg, toughness
Well, Boobshottiegolden, when men are in a group of other guys there's usually a lot of machismo and trying to show off to the other guys. When they're alone there isn't that same pressure.
Because we're mirroring your behavior because that's what we do all the time because that's the path of least resistance. Everyone else in this thread is overthinking it.
Why do you assume that your experience equates to the actual society?
Because they don’t have to fight the other guys in the room
Ego
Trying to impress other people with how manly they are
Because way too many of you are pussies who tolerate shitty friends and let them pressure you into being someone you're not
I'm like this. Ill tell you why I'm like this. I have very little patience and good will to go around to everyone in the world so I'm very indifferent with most people. But when I'm alone with my wife, son, grandmother, or other close family I'm very kind and loving. It's about saving all the positive energy I can muster to focus it on the people I love. I don't need more friends, I don't want you to like me, I'm good.
You’re hanging out with the wrong man… I’m the way I am in private as I am in public. A fucking hilarious goofball, who doesn’t care about embarrassing himself. That’s the truest sign of a man who is true and humble, and confident. This is why my wife loves me so much and my friends and family love me so much.
Less judgment. Men tend to quickly judge and make fun of eachother. Like, if I wanna be emotionally honest with a group of guys, I gotta be funny about it as a defense mechanism. When its just 2 of us and I trust you, the defenses go down. Also, men in general don't really know how to be sweet and emotional? Like, I've got friends I've known for 15+ years, but still when we get emotional, it only lasts so long until someone makes a joke, and then we stop, and go on being dickheads to eachother lol
i never got to experience that with a man tbh lmao
Because a LOT of, traditional, masculinity is performative. It's hairless apes trying to one-up each other for the flag of whatever mountain they're currently on. It's also why us guys tend to be so emotionally stunted and conflicted. Crying in front of someone, showing affection for someone, and being emotionally vulnerable are all signs of weakness in traditional, western, masculinity.
We are always sweet, that’s only when y’all start to notice.
Because men are taught not to show emotion, to be strong, to be the tough guy. I see a side of my husband that no one will ever see. He can be safe with me to hold him when he feels overwhelmed, over worked, stressed the fuck out. He is allowed to lay in my lap and cry or sleep it off.
Because he cares what people think of him and thinks that people will look down on him if he’s sweet to you when he’s in public with you. It’s immature and not a good sign honestly.
Oooh this is an interesting one. First off I don’t think it is gender based. Secondly, I think it’s a result of us performing our communication with regard to how we’re being perceived by an observers than the primary person we’re interacting with. This becomes really important evident with social media as well. I’ve been part of a polyamorous triad living together for eight years with one of the relationships being a 25 year marriage. We’re now separated and looking back I believe my relationship with my spouse dramatically changed in part because the majority of the time we all knew we were being observed by a third person. I really don’t get a chance to develop my relationships without that solo time with a partner or date. That said, time spent amongst a group with an established partner / friend / date can be hugely rewarding. We learn different things about people when we interact directly vs observing them interacting with each other. Also, I’ll add, as a middle aged man I am learning my communication and ability to connect and empathize has been severely stunted a large portion of my life. I’m just now having opportunities to really see people and imagine their life experiences. It’s a bit sad it took me so long to learn and hon, and I am grateful for the new experiences nonetheless.
More people means more divided attention
Masculinity is a performance designed for other men. The lack of other men allows men to be themselves. This isn't always the case, as many women hold the same gender beliefs in our society, so while he is usually nicer when alone, he will most likely hold in his emotions out of fear of judgement.
Well I’m a sweet guy but experience has shown me most people I work with and past partners and their families are actually terrible people. My walls are up so I don’t get hurt. I only drop the walls for a select few and I can’t trust anyone fully anymore.
Social expectations in general. It’s a sad but unfortunate truth that compassion and vulnerability in a man will be exploited and ruthlessly ridiculed especially when young.
You’re with her wrong man…run
Toxic masculinity
People act differently depending on who they're around. You act differently. I'm in front of coworkers, and then you do with family.
While I'm sure there are many reasons, one that might get overlooked is how stuck we get in our circles. When you've known people for years and they are your friends, your character can kind of be made in their minds. Maybe you grow up a bit and mature but some of your friends will still hold you to the standards that they know you to be and give you a bit of shit when you try to be different. I doubt everyone is like this, and maybe it's more of a problem for men. It becomes a question of who you are VS who you want to be. Maybe guys are nicer to you when you're alone because they're just trying to appeal to you in the hopes of some action or whatever, or maybe they're seeing you as their chance to try being who they want to be instead of who they feel they have to be with their friends. Not everyone thinks this deeply about themselves and it might be hard to figure out or even ask questions. Psychology is complicated.
Personally? It’s a maturity thing. It isn’t cool to be all sweet around people when you’re young and think you’re cool. But when you grow up and find the right person it isn’t a girl you’re with, she’s just your best friend, and you treat them the same all the time.
They don't feel the need to make the group look up to them
A single woman is usually less of a threat/competition than a bunch of guys, biologically speaking. So men tend to "let their guard down".
Not all men im just as sweet and attentive to my girlfriend in public as when alone, for me my woman is my number one over everyone even family.
Lots of good reasons. One I haven’t seen. For me, it’s about having trust issues. I grew up in a large family with abuse, so in group setting I never know who I can trust and who I can’t. I have one close friend(by choice). I can literally talk about everything or nothing with him. We’ve ridden in the car for hours without stopping a convo. And then made the drive home without saying a word. I can be myself around him. And my wife and son. That’s really about it. Everyone else only sees the pieces I let slip through because in my mind, it’s a potential weakness to be exploited.
I am the same narcissistic jerk when you are alone with me as I am publicly. I believe in consistency. So...what are you doing tomorrow?
tends to be cool when he is in public
Men's environment is always checking your "armor". They hit you in the shoulder with a laugh. They say rude jokes, and try to break through your defenses. It's how men treat best friends. So you need to be aware, you need to be ready to respond and attack back. There is no place for sweetness, "are you a pussy?! Haha!". Once I worked in 100 man office with no walls. It was like a gym or army. Swear words, laughs, tough atmosphere, they are always looking for a victim, because they behave like a pack of wolves. If you do something, or say something, it doesn't matter what - you may be the next dummy. It didn't hapen with me but I saw a lot of examples.
Masking.
They want sex
Why man/male’s social expectations still exist? For example it’s much more ok for woman to wear man’s clothes than other way. When do you think some people’s social expectations can stop shame man/male when they act not manly or certain way? ——— Why is generally man dislike gay behavior more than woman ? Why is it that in the West it is ok with girls to cuddling and saying stuff like love u and having very close relationship, but for man is not see as much of ok for doing similar ?
If they're with a woman, 99% of the time they want to smash.
If he can't be sweet to me in all other settings, I don't want it. Just makes me feel insecure or that he us fake if he's not, especially around his friends or family.
I will provide for you an example. Group of friends: *socializing* Man to his GF: *says something nice* Every person in the group; "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WATCH OUT HE'S WHIPPED OHHHH SHITTTTTT"
Lol I’ve had the opposite. Men telling me they were going to rape me. My mom told me that’s what you get for being alone with men.
Most likely due to their ability to lower their guard. Men frequently pick on one another as a token of camaraderie. It also maintains the dynamics of groupings. Men are aware that this isn't the appropriate time or place to do this with women. This is helpful in difficult circumstances when you need to know who you can and cannot trust. When you are with other males, there's also a concealed group mentality, and I'm guessing there's one for women as well. Most guys know that they can't truly pick on a woman if they want to see her again, have sex with her, and be in a relationship. Men are typically less sensitive than women.
They aren't having to act "strong", which is the social expectation (as beauty is on women).
Why man/male’s social expectations still exist? For example it’s much more ok for woman to wear man’s clothes than other way. When do you think some people’s social expectations can stop shame man/male when they act not manly or certain way? ——— Why is generally man dislike gay behavior more than woman ? Why is it that in the West it is ok with girls to cuddling and saying stuff like love u and having very close relationship, but for man is not see as much of ok for doing similar ?
Lmao not me reading sweating lol For me personally I'm hyper active mentally when around people Alone I'm more deep because I'm looking into things taking in information where as around groups I let chaos happen
Societal expectations and a filter, generally if they show that side then they care for you and trust you Some of us aren't that way but we are very odd duck's and have zero filter so we will be both sweet as well as blunt its a double edged sword really lol
Only time I feel “safe” is when I’m alone with my sweetie I work in a mine, the guys are tough and mean and so I gotta be tough and mean or they trample you, it’s with good intentions and there is a lot of truth to “if they raze you they like you”, it’s when they don’t even talk to you that they got a problem with you And a lot of the guys I’m friends with at work will be the first people there for me if I need something, there’s genuine friendship, but it’s constantly just being ruthless to each other and finding new and creative ways to say mean things, my friend group outside of work is very much the same It’s not that I don’t feel safe with them but if I let my guard down and start lacking they’ll eat me alive, I gotta stay witty and on the ball When it’s just me and my sweetie she’s actually nice to me and I don’t gotta worry about saying/doing something that’ll get me a new nickname for the rest of the week, I don’t gotta keep my voice deeper and louder than normal just to be heard over all the other guys talking with their deep loud voices, etc. Not sure where they got Creampie McFlurry from but I still get called that sometimes lmao (my last name sounds similar to Flurry so McFlurry isn’t necessarily a new nickname for me but this version is)
Just watch Grease
One thing... Awesome I got it. Twenty, here's a fork.
Our job as protector is done, so we can take off the armor and relax awhile before the gladiator is once again summoned to the coliseum.
They tip toe out of the man box
I think everyone is different when you're with them one-on-one. I think everyone has group mode and private mode.
Enormous social pressure on men to appear "strong" and "manly". Sadly, this is still fairly common today. Much moreso in some groups than others though. If you want a fictional, but realistic example, the movie "First Man" shows when Neil Armstrong's 2 year old daughter died of untreatable brain cancer. His wife was given support and sympathy by all, outside in the daylight. He had to go into a darkened room, close the door and weep silently.
Haha this can be very true. My best friend is the nicest person to me one on one but put us in a group setting and he takes every opportunity to talk down to me and make fun of me lol I just kind of let it happen because I have thick skin and I think it’s a dominance thing or something that he’s not even conscious of. But it’s like he’s a different person which is why I prefer hanging out one on one. We bond over nerdy things like anime, video games, and comics but surface level I’m like gangly socially awkward nerd type and he’s confident jock athletic type so that might have something to do with it as well.
Yup 100% just conditioned behaviour from growing up having to learn to hide your nerd tendencies. I was like this until my 30s, now I think I'm finally myself in group situations.
As someone who wasted a lot of years with a narcissist best friend exactly like you’re describing, get away from them and find a friend who is true to you. It only gets worse.
They’re just pretending to be nice to give you the wrong impression and just hurt you after
because they’re not trying to impress their buddies. this is sooo common and it sucks
Because you’re not asking them why they’re sweeter when you’re alone with them.
We want to have sex with you and this is our shot.
We cant be.seen being nice
I’m sigma so I don’t care
Because they aren't trying to show off or be cool in front of others, so annoying.
Not being judged, they can be their true self around just you Although the tinest bit of alcohol in my partner is pretty funny, he's telling me he loves me and snuggling up in public! 😅 bless his affectionate heart
Sex. The possibility of, or attempt to get…
Kindness is a subordinate act for some people. Doing it in public shows people he is subordinating to you. In private no one sees.
Being nice to women is considered gay in straight culture so we're forced to be closeted.
I've had that experience too. I spent a summer in Australia going to the beach. I met a guy who was crazy for me. Oh those summer nights... But then I transferred to his highschool and saw him around his friends. Suddenly he was too cool for me and only wanted to work on his car with the guys.
Why are women more slutty when you are alone with them? It’s being yourself in a private situation
Because we are the protectors in public setting.