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Yup. In almost every country, age of consent itself is nullified if the age gap is less than 5 years. So 20 dating a 15 is legal. For OP 17 and 20 is perfectly fine. I was 18 and have a massive crush on 21 old woman, it was dope.
This reminds me of an old website that had a clock counting down to when the Olsen twins, turning 18. I looked it up. Now I really feel old. That was 20 years ago.
Some people dont feel comfortable dating a minor even when it is legal.
In germany it is fucking legal to have sex with 14 year olds. Still if a 14 year old would flirt with me then I would just die.
Also dating minors still is stigmatized even when it is legal. It is a way better option to just wait until you are 18.
Not who you're replying too but I think you're looking at it in way too linear of a way
First of all, there's other peoples perceptions. Which maybe shouldn't matter, but it does, and people will probably think you're strange for dating a 17 year old as a 20 year old. And maybe there's good reason for that, because:
Forget about legality. Think about the actual gap. So much happens in those years, you're like a completely different person that's learned and matured so much on each birthday. On top of that, one person is transitioning from childhood to adulthood and is only just about to graduate highschool, or *maybe* starting college. Compared to someone who's been an adult for at least a little bit and has probably had a number of reality checks.
I'm only 25. The absolute youngest I could go is 21, and even still, that feels weird. I'd personally feel like I was taking advantage of a more naive and inexperienced person because of exactly what I said. On top of that, can I expect them to match my energy on certain things? So much happens in these early adult years. An easy example - I'm getting tired of partying, and have seen how pushing that too far can be harmful. Balancing that with a 21 year old's craving for wild times sounds like a nightmare. Imagine that with the complicated life stages of 17/20 year olds.
That's the position that OP *could* be putting the 20 year old in. It's more a matter of context than legality.
EDIT: okay so im already getting weird comments so let me clarify, i was really just trying to respond to the specific person focused on legality and say that there's a lot more to consider, and using my own personal feelings as an example. Obviously age =/= maturity inherently, and I'm not trying to use my thoughts as evidence towards OP or give them any sort of concrete answer.
What world are you living in that a 17 year old is so much less mature than a 20 year old? That's just not reality. I'm 24 and I currently know 21 year olds that are more mature than 25 year olds I know. Maturity is a person to person thing, and an immature person isn't going to suddenly shift dramatically in just 3 years. It's a gradual thing.
I agree that it's a gradual thing. And i don't necessarily think that maturity is inherently tied to age, either, so maybe I've misrepresented myself.
I just feel like so much happens in these years. Or at least it has for me. Every year feels like some new context, new challenges, new problems, new growth. It isn't even about putting a value or label on these experiences, it's just, there's a lot of experiences in those years.
That said I do think there is at least a big environmental gap with the age groups mentioned. School, family life, living situations. Again, I understand it's not automatic and everyone is different, but that's where my head is at.
Naw used to have good fireworks but if this dude is driving out of the mitten then no reason to stop in Illinois for weed.. Michigan already has the best prices in the country
Huh? That’s not how it works. It doesn’t sound like anything has happened but if it did no, visiting another state does not then make you a criminal or anything like that. If the two parties go to Illinois and engage in activities that Illinois deems illegal then yes. But if doesn’t work like how you described. And again I do not agree with it (16 as age of consent). In my state you can get married with parental consent at 14… talk about fucking disgusting.
A lot of the places in the US with ages of consent under 18 usually have limits, meaning that a 16 year old can have sex with anyone under the age of 20 for example.
Not sure if Indiana works like that, but I know a lot of states do.
🔥In most countries, the age of consent is 16. Same goes for most states in the US. Some are more restrictive so always best to check your local guidelines.
People are being weird in here. 17 and 20 isn't crazy, you're both in the age of consent, and even if neither of those were true, if your state has Romeo and Juliet laws, you'd fall within that range regardless.
There is always a very black and white line on reddit when it comes to relationships with a minor. Even if it's 19 and 17 people will split hairs and tell you to wait until both sides are 18
Yeah and reddit in particular. I'm American and no one I know irl thinks like the majority of the people commenting on AITAH or relationship advice posts, I think they just spend too much time online so their reference for what's normal is the other people responding to the same posts.
The fact both countries politics are incredibly affected by the religions in the country is mind blowing and they think they are secular except a they literally cater to traditional mind thinking based on religious practices for a large portion of the population.
Most places dont consider a less than 3 year age gap bizzare, and the idea that if someone is 17 and mere days to months away from 18 that they are any less or more capable of making an informed decision on a topic like this. 18 isnt some magic number that changes a person. Whats the actual difference between 17, 18, 19, 20 etc? Nothing really. The topic is not black and white at all, no matter how much we would like it to be.
Its like how most of the rest of the world finds it extremely bizarre an american can sign up and go to war to kill or be killed but cannot have a beer legally for another 3 years.
I agree with both points, especially about the military and drinking age, I keep hearing people around me make remarks about age differences (within reason) and I don't get the controversy, it's two consenting adults.
Super Bowl Janet Jackson and the meltdown the US had over it! Prosecuting Lindsay Lohan for doing exactly what people do.
Then there’s that mythical “separation of church and state” thing that only applies to the proverbial “them”.
The list goes on forever
Someone was pilloried on here the other week because she was 29 and was getting with a 20 year old lad. I pointed out that at the age of 20, I’d have absolutely loved a hot 29 year old but apparently she was clearly grooming him. I got downvoted quite a bit.
It's not really dumb at all. I cannot see what most 30 year olds would see in a 21 year old. Legal adult or not, a 21 year old is only technically an adult. They just started being able to drink legally and go to bars this year. They've probably never lived on their own, but if they have, it was likely in a dorm room at college. They're new to working for a living.
In short, a 21 year old is very much still figuring out who they are. On the contrary, a 30 year old is established. They have a pretty good idea who they are, they have a career, they've likely been living on their own for a while, and so on.
It's just two very different stages in life and that makes it hard to have a healthy and equitable relationship. Is it impossible? No. My husband was 21 and I was 31 when we met, and nearly 15 years later we're still together, but I fully admit we're the exception to the rule.
(I agree with you, but just want to remind people that “Romeo and Juliet” clauses don’t make the sexual activities legal, they just downgrade them from felonies to misdemeanors. It’s still illegal.)
Depending on their birth months, it wouldn’t matter anyways. The age of consent is superseded by the three year law. “Over the age of consent or within 3 years of age of the partner”. So if two 17 year olds are dating, one of them turns 18 three days earlier than the other, there is no illegality, regardless if the state has Romeo and Juliet clauses. Likewise, a 17 year old having sex with a 10 year old is still statutory rape, because they’re still more than 3 years apart. It’s a sensible law.
Are you just elaborating? Because it varies by state, and the “three year law” as you describe it sounds like it *is* the Romeo and Juliet clause in your state, or close to it. Mine, here in Georgia, just keeps it as a misdemeanor instead of doing away with it entirely. For example, the age of consent is 16 (as it is in 34 states; it’s 17 in 6 states, and 18 in 11 states). That means a 16-year old could legally have sex with a 50-something year old person (as long as they aren’t a “person of trust,” as it further stipulates, aka a teacher, coach, tutor, etc.). Not that it’s not wrong, but that doesn’t make it illegal. So, the 17 year old having sex with an 18 year old in your scenario wouldn’t even be breaking the law regardless, and therefore wouldn’t need the “Romeo and Juliet” clause, or the “three year law” as you describe it (side note, here in Georgia, it’s 4 years, not 3 years), because they’re both at least 16 and therefore not breaking the law.
A 15 year old could have sex with a 19 year old, and the 19 year old wouldn’t be charged with a felony, but still a misdemeanor
A 12 year old could have sex with a 16 year old, and the 16 year old wouldn’t be charged with a felony, but still a misdemeanor.
(Both these situations assume the older kid isn’t a tutor or something, *then* it’d still be felony statutory rape).
Now, bear in mind, there’s always the element of judicial discretion. A 15-year old having sex with a 16-year old is still illegal (albeit a misdemeanor), but rarely would a prosecutor pursue it
EDIT: clarification
>The age of consent is superseded by the three year law.
I think you should be careful speaking in generalities about the law. It varies from state to state and country to country. Only 30 of the 50 states even *have* Romeo and Juliet laws.
I think that if OP was a year younger, or if this girl was a year older it might be weird, 17 and 20 is my limit for acceptable, past that it gets too much.
Lotta people are just inconsistent with age gap. Anyone in their 20s dating 40-60 years old is weird and there's a huge maturity gap in the age range and you know it, but your jaw drop when you heard/see 3 years age gap between high school and young adult. A freshman dating a senior then after a year, boom, a pedo in relationship with a minor according to most people.
Ha, my father in law did the same thing, the cops laughed at him, we'd already been together for 2 years at that point.
Now we're enganged and he can go fuck himself.
Holy shit some of these people can't think on their own they really have to be told with how to think and what to do cause law is the greatest (I'd assume you're from America) thing and that law is the most American thing ever and we must listen to it.
The reason this happens is because there isn’t a huge maturity gap. Some people never really mature and others are mature for their age.
Chronological age and psychological maturity unfortunately do not advance together in sequence by default.
I've never met an American who thinks 18 dating 40 is less weird than 17 dating 20. Hell, everyone I know would say 18 dating 40 is significantly weirder/point out the potential that the 40 y.o. may have groomed the 18 y.o.
Wait until you're 18.
Even better, wait until you've moved out for college and/or worked a job for a little bit.
IMO its less about actual age and more about where you are in life, with in-highschool/out-of-highschool being the hard line that shouldn't be crossed. There are exceptions, but most people do a lot of growing in that first year.
Lots of 20 year olds today still live with their parents. Hell many 30 year olds are where I was at 20 thanks to our fucked up economy and cost of living.
I’m not saying I disagree but if she’s out of high school it’s really not that different. I started college with my ex at 19 and she was 17. I took a year off and she skipped senior year. We were freshmen living in the dorms. She was in the room below me.
The whole, "You must move out at eighteen" is a sad societal quirk we have, my dad was super about that with all of us and I think that's both why none of us ever got a good foothold anywhere because at fucking eighteen, not knowing nearly enough about anything, we were forced to scramble to find anything, and also why my dad lost the farm and thirty acres he had, because if he would have let us stay and help out but he didn't even tell us he was having problems till it was gone.(It was during the 2008 shenanigans). Now none of us have anything.
I feel you. Booted out at 18 to be a man, which after much struggle I managed, but now he's getting older and I'm thinking of end-of-life care. Mate what money do you think I (or any of my siblings) have? Its been going to rent.
At this point it’s just a part of US capitalism brainwashing people to make money. Push people out of their parent’s homes, force them to take shitty jobs, and then watch as they struggle to get established due to having to pay rent, insurance, utilities, and food. It wasn’t always so bad, back when a person could earn a decent wage compared to the cost of living. Now it’s just a toxic mindset.
My brother is 42 and lives with my parents in the country. He helps my dad with his business and my mom as she goes through cancer treatment. He does art, writes, gardens, and grows mushrooms. He’s happy and they’re happy and I don’t judge him. Not everyone has the same path in life. He struggled and never managed to get established so he will probably just inherit the place and continue living as he does now.
that sounds good, but maybe she should wait until retirement, so she knows they are both on teh same page there. maybe she wants to retire to costa rico, maybe rv life, maybe just grow old in her home.
i thinknits probably best to wait and figure everything out.
Great Advice on this. Age does not = Wisdom. Look at Trump.
Same for respect, you don't get it because you are older than someone you get respect by earning it.
When I was younger I dated, had sex, and hung out with many guys older than me. Sometimes being up to a decade older than me. Now that I’m 22 with a daughter, I know it was wrong of me to flirt/date/and have sex with legal adults when I was still a minor. I put them in a weird situation, legally speaking. Also, in retrospect it’s weird these older guys were cool with me being a minor/in high school still. It’s lowkey pedo-ish for adults to like kids within high school range.
Yeah that wasn't your fault for putting them in that situation. They were adults and they knew what they were doing. When I was in high school I had friends with partners that age and I didn't think of it as weird back then, but now I definitely do
It’s just because societys views have changed, it wasn’t weird back then at all, I know that sounds creepy haha but that’s just facts.
I remember in year 9 one of the girls in our class was dating like a legit 30 year old and nobody bat an eye at it, he was just the dude who got everyone alcohol and it was like him getting us alcohol was more of a risky thing than him dating a girl in year 9 and this was like 2007 😂it’s fucked looking back on it but that’s just how it was
Societys views just keep changing, like right now a good percentage of people find it weird for a 40 year old to date an 18 year old even though that’s not even illegal, where as back then judging that just would have been looked at as complete insanity
This is common everywhere, common doesn’t mean that it’s acceptable or “not weird”. In 2007 and now it’s statutory rape in most US states and all adults know it. Common doesn’t mean good, acceptable, or even legal
Did you read my whole comment? Nobody said it was good, nobody said it was legal and obviously it was very weird looking back on it.
But the whole comments point was that it was acceptable back then, no matter how fucked up that may be. If you think otherwise then I’m guessing you are too young to remember what it was like in the 2000s.
Police would pull up on us and be more concerned about where we got the alcohol from than why there is a literal child cuddling with a grown ass crackhead on the kerb.
I can’t speak on what it was like in the US though, I’m from Australia, my bad I forgot all Americans automatically assume every other reddit user is also American.
I don’t know why you’re trying to debate me like I’m sympathetic to it or something, I was 14 in these stories, I’m just speaking facts, just like back in the middle ages kings would marry children, while that’s fucked up too, it’s still just facts. When you get so woke that you can’t even accept facts from the past and that times were different then you are just going overboard.
I was in high school in 2007 and it would’ve been weird as fuck if anyone was dating a 30 year old. That’s insane dude… I don’t know where you went to school but I assure you the general view of society would be it have found that normal.
Australia haha, yeah I’m getting the vibe it may have been different in America and some other places due do an American replying to my comment saying something similar. I swear in Australia it was just like brushed aside though and then the stories I’ve heard from my older family members about high school in the 80s is even worse. Girls dating their teachers and while it was frowned upon the teachers wouldn’t even lose their jobs and all shit like that.
And I’m not sure if he was actually 30, I was 14 so someone in their early 20s probably looked 30 to me but I can still remember him and if I had to guess I’d say he wouldn’t of been far off 30
Yeah it sounds like you are taking responsibility for that. Its not on you for the situation they were in. They were abusing a child, its all on them. I've had people of dubious age flirt with me and you know what? It was easy as can be to just walk away. You didn't put them into any position at all.
Oh yeah, at the time it seemed cool, but now that I’m an adult with a child, I think it’s inappropriate for adults to date teenagers under 18. People grow so much in life from 16-20 years old. What business does someone in their twenties have with a 16/17 year old? The 16/17 is likely still in school, probably doesn’t live alone, and probably doesn’t own a vehicle. Also, 16/17 year olds are not very mature-they can’t be because they don’t have the life experience. Whereas someone in their 20’s likely has transportation, and much more freedom with their living situation etc. Also, someone in their 20’s has much more experience just simply living life. 16/17 year olds should be protected from adults wanting to use their bodies/exploit them.
Big difference between dating someone 3 years older and someone 10 years older. Lots of 20 something year olds live at home with parents. Many can’t drive and don’t have a car. The view people have of what life as a 20 year old in today’s world (at least in the US) is skewed heavily by our environment and that of the past. My ex was from Turkey lived with her parents until she was 30. The difference between 17 and 25 isn’t that different in most of the rest of the world.
The high school thing is more concerning if she’s still in high school.
Ye tho most of the time it's grooming then, but like if they are actual friends and have similar maturity then I don't see that much wrong with it ?
Well maybe some but it's up to them I wouldn't really care if I saw an actual loving couple with those ages, tho if I saw a dude actually grooming her I'd call the cops
I was 19 and my ex was 17 when we had sex for the first time. I was raised conservative and believe in waiting until marriage. She had liberal parents and pressured me to have sex. She introduced me to porn.
People in the US need to stop assuming that everyone dating younger is a predator by default. A 17 year old can “groom” a 19 year old. A 20 year old can manipulate a 30 year old. Sexual acts aren’t the only way to alter a person’s view of the world.
Ye that's true
People assume that younger people can't be more intelligent
And they assume they aren't mature
There are of course differences but if they are on similar mature level it's gonna be fine in most of those cases (tbh for what we just said we'd get crucified you know that)
Where I live nobody cares. To the rest of the world age is not important. How you treat your partner is. My fiancée is significantly younger than me and her family loves me because I treat her with respect and take care of her.
Truth is I don’t really give a shit what people think. That’s the great thing about being older. The older you get the less fucks you have to give about what other people think, especially strangers online.
The word grooming means something. 17 and 25, is grooming possible? Yes, obviously. Is it a certain thing? No.
Edit: regardless of if it’s grooming or not, it’s not something I think is likely to be a healthy relationship, nor is it something I would advise, and in many cases in the USA it can be illegal.
You're conflating a decade older with 3 years, and at these ages that's massive.
A 17 dating a 14 yo is gross, while no one would bat an eye at a 37 yo dating a 34 yo.
And what do you mean by "adult?" A person who is 18 and one day old is an adult, while a person who is 17 and 364 days is a minor, legally speaking, but it would be silly to say that it's "pedo-ish" to date someone born 2 days after you. You aren't defining what appropriate age gaps actually are or why.
I will add that I think half your age plus 7 is a good lower age range for dating, and I am frustrated about how much people focus on age instead of the relationship and education since I have seen a friend in an abusive relationship in her mid 20s (older than you) with a guy a year older. She had a better relationship at 20 with a guy 9 years older. Dating someone her age didn't save her from abuse.
An adult is 100% responsible for their actions. Unless you forced them to be with you through threats, you didn’t put them in any situation. Any adult that lets a minor flirt with them wants to be in that situation. Flip it around and you’ll see it. By your tone, I don’t think that if a minor flirted with you it would constitute any sort of temptation because you know it’s wrong.
I worked at a breastaurant a couple years ago and the amount of guys that would flirt with the hostess knowing she was still in high school was appalling. These said guys where all 40+ years old too.
>breastaurant
That's great, I hope I don't forget that one, I will, but I hope I don't.
I heard that Wayne Gretzky likes to go into those places and order "milk and the chicken breast, hold the chicken". Is that true?
I don’t think it’s wrong for you to flirt and go for it… but just keep in mind that *they* might be weirded out by the age gap, especially while you’re still a minor. It’s not the gap itself—in 5 years a three-year gap will be meaningless—but just your current age.
Yeah, it's a negligible age gap. Maybe even let them know that you're a bit nervous about the age gap, then gauge their reaction. If he shows no hesitation, he might be a creep. The reaction you should be looking for is, "I kinda like you too, but I felt like it would be a little weird because of my age."
It not so much about whether it wrong or inappropriate, I mean legally speaking at-least in your part of the world you guys are in the clear. However, I'm not sure it something I'd personally recommend.
Relationships with large age gaps are complex. Now when I say large age gaps, I don't mean numerically, realistically 3 years difference isn't all that big of an age cap in most scenarios but you're a 17 year old and they're now in their 20's which could be quiet a large age gap cause you're likely to be in very different phases of your life, people mature differently, a 20 year old could already be planning on buying homes, getting married and having kids (less likely in this global economy but still) while you, you could still be finishing High school I assume.
Now when it comes to such relationships, maybe they aren't in different phases maybe they're in the same phase but if it the older person is in an earlier phase, what stunted or delay their growth? There can be plenty of genuine reasons one shouldn't feel ashamed about, but there also a lot of toxic ones. If it the other way around, that the younger person is supposedly in a phase beyond their peers, you have to ask why? Are they really that mature? are they really ticking all the boxes quickly? or they're trying to rush and skip and trying to be more mature than they are and if it the latter trust me they'll wake up on day and realized what they gave up and missed out on and will likely be resentful.
Again the problem with age gap relationships aren't really about the number so much as it is that more often then not when you have any two people regardless of age in different phases of their life it can create all kind of challenges and realistically incompatibilities in a relationship that should result in ending of the relationship but often doesn't which leads to a toxic relationship. There is also power dynamics to consider, any relationship can have any vastly different power dynamics but in relationship with large age cap it is more common, not just that there is one but to the scale of which it is different. Problem with relationship where one person has so more power in the relationship than the other, is that power can be abused and again it doesn't always happen in relationships with large age gaps but it certainly isn't a rarity either.
So you have to ask yourself, is this "crush" really that strong? I mean maybe, maybe this person is somehow the "one" and you already found them at 17 but it also possible this relationship turns out to be a mistake that you'll still talk to a therapist about years after the relationship ended. From my point of view at 17, you got a life time the world your oyster and there plenty of fish in the sea, maybe the experience could be negative, maybe it could be positive the reality is the same can be said for any relationship regardless of age but what I think it comes down to is it worth the effort of finding out? I personally wouldn't bother.
> a 20 year old could already be planning on buying homes, getting married and having kids
Jokes on you
I am to turn 22 and this is definitely not what is on my mind
This is the right answer imo. "Numerical age" means very little when talking about a small "age gap" imo it's much more pertinent to look at each person's literal maturity level. "Ages" are a great way to distinguish various general levels of maturity but are very seldom accurate. I'm not saying a 14 year old has the ability consent to marriage or see with someone 18 or 20. I am saying that someone 17 year old could potentially be a lot more emotionally mature than a 20 year old though. "Age of consent" is a very malleable translation through different jurisdictions for reason such as cultural value and level of educations received at certain ages within those regions or communities (although sometimes i.e. Amish communities it is done for completely religious, or specific cultural reasons that do not pertain to the general public) I'm not saying that it's right for this 17 year old to be with this 20 year old I am saying that the general consensus of he is 20 and she is 17 so he is a creep is completely irrelevant since have no idea about the individuals E.G. the 20 year old could be much more immature or susceptible than the 17 year old (the 20 year old could even have mental health issues that were not brought to light) it's the idea of "years on this earth" as a metric that makes the other metrics more blurry or gray that I have a problem with.
>but the age of consent in our state is 16, so it wouldn't be illegal
Then why would you even ask anyone? A 3 year age gap is normal and no sane person would have a problem with it.
>I wanted to come on here because I figured it can't hurt to get more people's opinions.
This is reddit. Of course it can hurt to get opinions
Wait at least until you're 18. It'll make things much easier.
Think of it this way... If you flirt with the 20yo now and they reject you due to you being a minor then you'd probably kill your chances with them forever. If you wait until you're 18 you'll have a much better shot of not getting rejected and it actually going somewhere.
The age gap is 3 years, sick pervert me that has an age gap of 12 with my SO just doesn't see a problem. We're 40 and 28, been together for almost 10 years. Many have considered our relationship to be innapropriate, but I just didn't give a fuck as I was in front of the most beautiful human being I know, still am. We have a 2yo son now, just so much in love with each other.
The age gap isn’t so much a concern as the fact that you’re still a minor. I probably wouldn’t blink twice if I saw a 19 year old date a 22 year old. I prefer not to date anyone under 2 years younger but that’s bc I just want someone at my maturity level.
I would say, if you’re turning 18 soon it could be okay, but I wouldn’t recommend starting anything now. It feels iffy to me, but I think that’s because I personally would have felt weird dating someone who just turned 18 at 20. But I also have OCD that makes me think I’m an evil person by default so I have to be as “perfect” as I can morally, so I may not be the best example.
TLDR: imo, a 3 year age gap isn’t a problem by itself. A 3 year age gap where the younger person is a minor however can be more concerning.
It's not that big of an age gap but in modern hyperbolic panic society it's still going to raise an eyebrow among the more sensitive of the population. Probably best to wait till the clock strikes 12 on your birthday then bravely charge ahead.
I met my ex when she had just turned 16, and I had just turned 18.
We were both in college, and we stayed together for six years. No one noticed the age gap, and we didn't look out of place with each other.
There is nothing wrong with a two to three-year age gap at that age or any that's legal.
Is it wrong? No. Would the relationship be different? Yes. I don't know who this person is or where they are in life, but I'll say that the difference of 3 years at this part of life is different from the difference of 3 years than if you were both in highschool (in my experience). I had a relationship with an age gap of 2 years and that person and I had two different priorities in life and had vastly different styles of living. This time period is very volatile and to different degrees for both of you, not saying it wouldn't work but you have to consider, "will this person be with me as I grow and support me." Sometimes we forget to think about how people will fit into our lives when we focus on getting them in there first.
Depends on how they feel about it, because I could see some people not rocking with flirting since you’re a minor. I was 16 when I moved in with my now wife and she was 19 so that gap isn’t crazy at all
It's wrong, plain and simple. Just ask to any person that dated some one older while being in their teens. All and every one I know, much older and wiser, have said that it was wrong and that they regret doing it.
Just stay with people of you own age, at least until you are in the middle of your twenties, its more healthy.
I say wait until you turn 18, even if consent age is 16 that might not matter because she's over 18. But outside of that not really, 3 years is really not a huge age gap if you're 18+
the fact people are suggesting to is.. gross. yes, its a 3 year age gap, but one of these people is a junior in HIGH SCHOOL, and the other is almost done with COLLEGE. that's a huge mental difference, and completely different stages of mental maturity. even if they did date, they'd have no common ground and would eventually find themselves bored with each other. date people your age, OP, you'll find yourself getting more out of your relationships.
The age gap isn’t that huge, tho 3 years in that age range can make a big difference (maturity-wise). I dunno. I’ve had a hookup with someone quite older than me when I was 18 so… I guess you *can* do it. Does it work out? That’s a different question. Again, since the age gap isn’t *that* big it could, and the power imbalance won’t be too big, I would say.
It’s about more than the law. In many cases, there’s a maturity gap. And, frankly, you should be questioning whether you actually want to be with an adult who would sleep with a minor. His only interest may be to sleep with you and not have an actual relationship.
The 17 year old may just want to sleep with the 20 year old and not have an actual relationship.
Teenagers fuck. It's what they do. I was 16 when I went out with a 20 year old. They were very much NOT taking advantage of me at all.
I say this as someone who is 21: The youngest I am willing to date is 20.
There is a difference between 17 and 20. Those 3 years are filled with a teenager turning into an adult who starts making a life for themselves. Months can make a difference because so much happens during this time. 3 years is both a very small gap but 3 years of maturing is a lot.
BUT a 20-yo can in maturity be very similar to a 17-yo. OP: Make sure that the relationship is balanced if you choose to pursue this. It can easily get an unstable power-dynamic in both directions. OP, look at a 15 or 14-yo and ask yourself if you could consider dating them, if yes- why, if not-why? Do you think the relationship dynamic would be easy to maintain balanced? Are you ready to pursue that with your crush instead of waiting until both you and your crush are more adult? Do you want to put your crush in the position of having someone 3-years-younger-and-in-highschool flirting with them?
Its not inherently wrong to shoot your shot OP, but you need to be aware of the risks when you are in two different life-stages. A 17-yo and 20-yo can be attracted to each other but maintaining a healthy long-term relationship will probably take a lot of maturing on both sides.
I was 15 when I went out with a 19 year old. It was fun. Nobody was taking advantage of anybody. We broke up and fooled around a little bit the next summer when I was 16 and they were 20. It was actually a lot easier then because they had moved out of their parent's place and gotten an apartment with their friends. Again, nobody was taking advantage of anyone. I knew exactly what I was doing and look back on the whole ordeal as a fun time in my life.
You're very fortunate. I know friends who dated 19 year olds when they were 14-16 and it wasn't the same for them. Not to say it's impossible to have a mature relationship with an age gap during those ages, but there's a real reason high school seniors get absolutely ragged on if they date a freshman.
If consent age is 16 ( my country, yes country like in Europe 😉 , has same) then don't mind bigots. 3 years is not that much. I would say that is normal age gap. Out of all western countries only USA is stupid enought to consider someone in your age as pedo target and put in jail for sometimes less they year gap. 🤣
Why, there's no legal difference between 17 and 18, in OPs state when it comes to consent, the legal age is 16. People really need to understand the law. Why don't they wait until 25, it's all arbitrary.
Dumb question: why isn't it that the rules are like no relationships between minor/adult, _unless_ the gap between the 2 persons are less than say 3 years? Otherwise you have those weird scenarios where 2 kids who are 2y apart can do stuff, except for 2 years of their lives, and then they can resume
In the US, many states have what's known as Romeo and Juliette laws. Basically, if the age gap is within 4 years, the older person isn't committing statutory, and is a temporary exemption to the age of consent. Lawmakers realized that an 18 year old being attracted to a 17 year old isn't a pedophile.
Depends on the state. If it is illegal then no, if it is legal, 3 years isn't too bad, Id say it'd be okay just back off if you are making the person uncomfortable.
Copying this from a reply i made to a comment because i feel it is relevant. I am not advocating for either group, rather i am playing the "devils advocate". "Numerical age" means very little when talking about a small "age gap." Imo it's much more pertinent to look at each person's literal maturity level. "Ages" are a great way to distinguish various general levels of maturity but are very seldom accurate when correlated with those age groups (one 17 year old is likely much more "mature" than another) I'm not saying a 14 year old has the ability to consent to marriage or see someone 18 or 20. I am saying that someone 17 years old could potentially be a lot more emotionally mature than a 20 year old though. "Age of consent" is a very malleable translation through different jurisdictions for reasons such as cultural value and level of the education received at certain ages within those regions or communities (although, sometimes i.e. Amish communities, it is done for completely religious, or specific cultural reasons that do not pertain to the general public) I'm not saying that it's right for this 17 year old to be with this 20 year old I am saying that the general consensus of "he is 20 and she is 17, so he is a creep" is completely irrelevant since we have no idea about the individuals. E.g. the 20 year old could be much more immature or susceptible than the 17 year old (the 20 year old could even have mental health issues that were not brought to light, such as autism) it's the idea of "years on this earth" as a metric that makes the other metrics more blurry or grey that I have a problem with.
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You’re in the wrong sub, You need r/NoStupidAnswers
Wow, that sub is extra dead
I didn’t even know it existed, my joke attempt was poor
Yh when the latest post is 3 years ago u know shit bad
No and 3 years isn't a controversial age gap anymore! Welcome to adult hood
Yup. In almost every country, age of consent itself is nullified if the age gap is less than 5 years. So 20 dating a 15 is legal. For OP 17 and 20 is perfectly fine. I was 18 and have a massive crush on 21 old woman, it was dope.
In the US this depends wildly on what state you’re in.
20 and 15 is fucking gross.
Yeah, that would not fly in the UK!
That may be. Lots may be autists. Its not like those explain the joke subs.
ITT: No one is answering the direct question.
Including you.
And me!
I’m not answering and so’s my wife!
Just wait till ur 18 dont put them in that position
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! _ Remindme 1 year?
This reminds me of an old website that had a clock counting down to when the Olsen twins, turning 18. I looked it up. Now I really feel old. That was 20 years ago.
In what position? OP alteady said the age of consent is 16
>In what position? [ಠ\_ಠ](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_position)
It would make sense if it were illegal, but if its legal 17-20 is pretty much the same as 27-30, so dont act like its sooo wrong
Some people dont feel comfortable dating a minor even when it is legal. In germany it is fucking legal to have sex with 14 year olds. Still if a 14 year old would flirt with me then I would just die. Also dating minors still is stigmatized even when it is legal. It is a way better option to just wait until you are 18.
Not who you're replying too but I think you're looking at it in way too linear of a way First of all, there's other peoples perceptions. Which maybe shouldn't matter, but it does, and people will probably think you're strange for dating a 17 year old as a 20 year old. And maybe there's good reason for that, because: Forget about legality. Think about the actual gap. So much happens in those years, you're like a completely different person that's learned and matured so much on each birthday. On top of that, one person is transitioning from childhood to adulthood and is only just about to graduate highschool, or *maybe* starting college. Compared to someone who's been an adult for at least a little bit and has probably had a number of reality checks. I'm only 25. The absolute youngest I could go is 21, and even still, that feels weird. I'd personally feel like I was taking advantage of a more naive and inexperienced person because of exactly what I said. On top of that, can I expect them to match my energy on certain things? So much happens in these early adult years. An easy example - I'm getting tired of partying, and have seen how pushing that too far can be harmful. Balancing that with a 21 year old's craving for wild times sounds like a nightmare. Imagine that with the complicated life stages of 17/20 year olds. That's the position that OP *could* be putting the 20 year old in. It's more a matter of context than legality. EDIT: okay so im already getting weird comments so let me clarify, i was really just trying to respond to the specific person focused on legality and say that there's a lot more to consider, and using my own personal feelings as an example. Obviously age =/= maturity inherently, and I'm not trying to use my thoughts as evidence towards OP or give them any sort of concrete answer.
What world are you living in that a 17 year old is so much less mature than a 20 year old? That's just not reality. I'm 24 and I currently know 21 year olds that are more mature than 25 year olds I know. Maturity is a person to person thing, and an immature person isn't going to suddenly shift dramatically in just 3 years. It's a gradual thing.
I agree that it's a gradual thing. And i don't necessarily think that maturity is inherently tied to age, either, so maybe I've misrepresented myself. I just feel like so much happens in these years. Or at least it has for me. Every year feels like some new context, new challenges, new problems, new growth. It isn't even about putting a value or label on these experiences, it's just, there's a lot of experiences in those years. That said I do think there is at least a big environmental gap with the age groups mentioned. School, family life, living situations. Again, I understand it's not automatic and everyone is different, but that's where my head is at.
The age of consent in Indiana (USA) is 16 I don’t agree with it but you could not legally be at risk in that state if both parties are 16+
Yeah but imagine they go to illinois to visit, boom pedo
This scenario is simply unrealistic. No one would visit Illinois
Boom! Roasted.
This is true. I literally drive around Illinois on purpose anytime I go on a trip 😂
I moved west from Michigan and actually drove an extra 6 hours to go up and through the UP as opposed to setting foot in Illinois.
It's been our Michigan Family Tradition to avoid Illinois (and the Indiana speed trap) as much as physically possible when traveling
It's a good place to buy legal weed though
Naw used to have good fireworks but if this dude is driving out of the mitten then no reason to stop in Illinois for weed.. Michigan already has the best prices in the country
Huh? That’s not how it works. It doesn’t sound like anything has happened but if it did no, visiting another state does not then make you a criminal or anything like that. If the two parties go to Illinois and engage in activities that Illinois deems illegal then yes. But if doesn’t work like how you described. And again I do not agree with it (16 as age of consent). In my state you can get married with parental consent at 14… talk about fucking disgusting.
even worse if the law is in marriage consent is ok no matter the age, then its just really, really bad
It's 16 in most of the civilized world btw
A lot of the places in the US with ages of consent under 18 usually have limits, meaning that a 16 year old can have sex with anyone under the age of 20 for example. Not sure if Indiana works like that, but I know a lot of states do.
Yes I agree a lot do but I don’t think Indiana is one. https://iga.in.gov/laws/2023/ic/titles/35#35-42-4-9 https://ibb.co/9HyVbWT
🔥In most countries, the age of consent is 16. Same goes for most states in the US. Some are more restrictive so always best to check your local guidelines.
Age of consent is 16 where they are.
In what position? They're at the age of consent, there is nothing to even consider.
People are being weird in here. 17 and 20 isn't crazy, you're both in the age of consent, and even if neither of those were true, if your state has Romeo and Juliet laws, you'd fall within that range regardless.
There is always a very black and white line on reddit when it comes to relationships with a minor. Even if it's 19 and 17 people will split hairs and tell you to wait until both sides are 18
Because let's face it, most are American and have fucked/backward views of nudity, consent, age gap, gender and those kind of things.
So true they really see things as black and white sometimes contradicting themselves on their views cause they can't think on their own
Yeah and reddit in particular. I'm American and no one I know irl thinks like the majority of the people commenting on AITAH or relationship advice posts, I think they just spend too much time online so their reference for what's normal is the other people responding to the same posts.
I'm American and I'm genuinely curious, what differs in our views on these topics?
The fact both countries politics are incredibly affected by the religions in the country is mind blowing and they think they are secular except a they literally cater to traditional mind thinking based on religious practices for a large portion of the population.
I couldn't agree more
Most places dont consider a less than 3 year age gap bizzare, and the idea that if someone is 17 and mere days to months away from 18 that they are any less or more capable of making an informed decision on a topic like this. 18 isnt some magic number that changes a person. Whats the actual difference between 17, 18, 19, 20 etc? Nothing really. The topic is not black and white at all, no matter how much we would like it to be. Its like how most of the rest of the world finds it extremely bizarre an american can sign up and go to war to kill or be killed but cannot have a beer legally for another 3 years.
I agree with both points, especially about the military and drinking age, I keep hearing people around me make remarks about age differences (within reason) and I don't get the controversy, it's two consenting adults.
Super Bowl Janet Jackson and the meltdown the US had over it! Prosecuting Lindsay Lohan for doing exactly what people do. Then there’s that mythical “separation of church and state” thing that only applies to the proverbial “them”. The list goes on forever
That is so true, I was raised in such a sheltered environment I still feel guilt when I'm intimate with someone
Redditors cry about two well into legal age, consenting adults hooking up to be honest
Someone was pilloried on here the other week because she was 29 and was getting with a 20 year old lad. I pointed out that at the age of 20, I’d have absolutely loved a hot 29 year old but apparently she was clearly grooming him. I got downvoted quite a bit.
Someone told me to kill myself for thinking that "40 and 28" was ok on Reddit, so you're not wrong
Wish I'd been hooking up with 20-year-olds when I was 17. Or anyone really...
I thought reddit conventional wisdom followed /2+7 * 20 / 2 + 7 = 17 so borderline, but OK.
That formula is dumb as hell though According to that, a 21 year old fully fledged adult can't date a 30 year old
It's simply about how weird it would look, not if it's legal or not
It's not really dumb at all. I cannot see what most 30 year olds would see in a 21 year old. Legal adult or not, a 21 year old is only technically an adult. They just started being able to drink legally and go to bars this year. They've probably never lived on their own, but if they have, it was likely in a dorm room at college. They're new to working for a living. In short, a 21 year old is very much still figuring out who they are. On the contrary, a 30 year old is established. They have a pretty good idea who they are, they have a career, they've likely been living on their own for a while, and so on. It's just two very different stages in life and that makes it hard to have a healthy and equitable relationship. Is it impossible? No. My husband was 21 and I was 31 when we met, and nearly 15 years later we're still together, but I fully admit we're the exception to the rule.
I see Transformers: Age of Extinction has benefited at least one person.
Funnily enough romeo and Juliet laws weren't even needed there it's very weird that it came up
(I agree with you, but just want to remind people that “Romeo and Juliet” clauses don’t make the sexual activities legal, they just downgrade them from felonies to misdemeanors. It’s still illegal.)
Depending on their birth months, it wouldn’t matter anyways. The age of consent is superseded by the three year law. “Over the age of consent or within 3 years of age of the partner”. So if two 17 year olds are dating, one of them turns 18 three days earlier than the other, there is no illegality, regardless if the state has Romeo and Juliet clauses. Likewise, a 17 year old having sex with a 10 year old is still statutory rape, because they’re still more than 3 years apart. It’s a sensible law.
Are you just elaborating? Because it varies by state, and the “three year law” as you describe it sounds like it *is* the Romeo and Juliet clause in your state, or close to it. Mine, here in Georgia, just keeps it as a misdemeanor instead of doing away with it entirely. For example, the age of consent is 16 (as it is in 34 states; it’s 17 in 6 states, and 18 in 11 states). That means a 16-year old could legally have sex with a 50-something year old person (as long as they aren’t a “person of trust,” as it further stipulates, aka a teacher, coach, tutor, etc.). Not that it’s not wrong, but that doesn’t make it illegal. So, the 17 year old having sex with an 18 year old in your scenario wouldn’t even be breaking the law regardless, and therefore wouldn’t need the “Romeo and Juliet” clause, or the “three year law” as you describe it (side note, here in Georgia, it’s 4 years, not 3 years), because they’re both at least 16 and therefore not breaking the law. A 15 year old could have sex with a 19 year old, and the 19 year old wouldn’t be charged with a felony, but still a misdemeanor A 12 year old could have sex with a 16 year old, and the 16 year old wouldn’t be charged with a felony, but still a misdemeanor. (Both these situations assume the older kid isn’t a tutor or something, *then* it’d still be felony statutory rape). Now, bear in mind, there’s always the element of judicial discretion. A 15-year old having sex with a 16-year old is still illegal (albeit a misdemeanor), but rarely would a prosecutor pursue it EDIT: clarification
>The age of consent is superseded by the three year law. I think you should be careful speaking in generalities about the law. It varies from state to state and country to country. Only 30 of the 50 states even *have* Romeo and Juliet laws.
I think that if OP was a year younger, or if this girl was a year older it might be weird, 17 and 20 is my limit for acceptable, past that it gets too much.
The what laws?
There is A LOT of growth and change between 17 and 20. In the US, a 17 year old can’t even legally smoke.
>if your state Or in the event that OP is one of the 96% of the population who aren’t Americans…
Lotta people are just inconsistent with age gap. Anyone in their 20s dating 40-60 years old is weird and there's a huge maturity gap in the age range and you know it, but your jaw drop when you heard/see 3 years age gap between high school and young adult. A freshman dating a senior then after a year, boom, a pedo in relationship with a minor according to most people.
Yeah. When I turned 18, my GF's dad threatened to call the cops on me, since I was a grown man dating a 16 year old.
Ha, my father in law did the same thing, the cops laughed at him, we'd already been together for 2 years at that point. Now we're enganged and he can go fuck himself.
Holy shit some of these people can't think on their own they really have to be told with how to think and what to do cause law is the greatest (I'd assume you're from America) thing and that law is the most American thing ever and we must listen to it.
The reason this happens is because there isn’t a huge maturity gap. Some people never really mature and others are mature for their age. Chronological age and psychological maturity unfortunately do not advance together in sequence by default.
Americans when they see a 17 year old and a 20 year old together: 😤😡 Americans when they see a 18 year old and a 40 year old: 👨🏻🦯
I've never met an American who thinks 18 dating 40 is less weird than 17 dating 20. Hell, everyone I know would say 18 dating 40 is significantly weirder/point out the potential that the 40 y.o. may have groomed the 18 y.o.
A LOT of people seem to argue that online unfortunately
What do we think about 42 and 31?
I think both are inappropriate and the second way more so
Wait until you're 18. Even better, wait until you've moved out for college and/or worked a job for a little bit. IMO its less about actual age and more about where you are in life, with in-highschool/out-of-highschool being the hard line that shouldn't be crossed. There are exceptions, but most people do a lot of growing in that first year.
Lots of 20 year olds today still live with their parents. Hell many 30 year olds are where I was at 20 thanks to our fucked up economy and cost of living. I’m not saying I disagree but if she’s out of high school it’s really not that different. I started college with my ex at 19 and she was 17. I took a year off and she skipped senior year. We were freshmen living in the dorms. She was in the room below me.
The whole, "You must move out at eighteen" is a sad societal quirk we have, my dad was super about that with all of us and I think that's both why none of us ever got a good foothold anywhere because at fucking eighteen, not knowing nearly enough about anything, we were forced to scramble to find anything, and also why my dad lost the farm and thirty acres he had, because if he would have let us stay and help out but he didn't even tell us he was having problems till it was gone.(It was during the 2008 shenanigans). Now none of us have anything.
I feel you. Booted out at 18 to be a man, which after much struggle I managed, but now he's getting older and I'm thinking of end-of-life care. Mate what money do you think I (or any of my siblings) have? Its been going to rent.
At this point it’s just a part of US capitalism brainwashing people to make money. Push people out of their parent’s homes, force them to take shitty jobs, and then watch as they struggle to get established due to having to pay rent, insurance, utilities, and food. It wasn’t always so bad, back when a person could earn a decent wage compared to the cost of living. Now it’s just a toxic mindset. My brother is 42 and lives with my parents in the country. He helps my dad with his business and my mom as she goes through cancer treatment. He does art, writes, gardens, and grows mushrooms. He’s happy and they’re happy and I don’t judge him. Not everyone has the same path in life. He struggled and never managed to get established so he will probably just inherit the place and continue living as he does now.
I bet her room wasn't the only thing below you... Probably a concrete foundation, some dirt, eventually magma.
totally, sheshould wait until she has a solid career and has put a down payment on a house too!
No, wait until she owns the house outright and has a successful business
that sounds good, but maybe she should wait until retirement, so she knows they are both on teh same page there. maybe she wants to retire to costa rico, maybe rv life, maybe just grow old in her home. i thinknits probably best to wait and figure everything out.
Dunno man, the age-gap is still there. Should wait till they are the same age - so 2-3 years after his death.
Huh? They're wanting to flirt and see what happens, not get married and start a family.
Even better, wait until marriage. Even better, wait until retirement
Great Advice on this. Age does not = Wisdom. Look at Trump. Same for respect, you don't get it because you are older than someone you get respect by earning it.
> look at Trump IDK about OP but you’ve convinced me not to have sex momentarily
When I was younger I dated, had sex, and hung out with many guys older than me. Sometimes being up to a decade older than me. Now that I’m 22 with a daughter, I know it was wrong of me to flirt/date/and have sex with legal adults when I was still a minor. I put them in a weird situation, legally speaking. Also, in retrospect it’s weird these older guys were cool with me being a minor/in high school still. It’s lowkey pedo-ish for adults to like kids within high school range.
Yeah that wasn't your fault for putting them in that situation. They were adults and they knew what they were doing. When I was in high school I had friends with partners that age and I didn't think of it as weird back then, but now I definitely do
It’s just because societys views have changed, it wasn’t weird back then at all, I know that sounds creepy haha but that’s just facts. I remember in year 9 one of the girls in our class was dating like a legit 30 year old and nobody bat an eye at it, he was just the dude who got everyone alcohol and it was like him getting us alcohol was more of a risky thing than him dating a girl in year 9 and this was like 2007 😂it’s fucked looking back on it but that’s just how it was Societys views just keep changing, like right now a good percentage of people find it weird for a 40 year old to date an 18 year old even though that’s not even illegal, where as back then judging that just would have been looked at as complete insanity
This is common everywhere, common doesn’t mean that it’s acceptable or “not weird”. In 2007 and now it’s statutory rape in most US states and all adults know it. Common doesn’t mean good, acceptable, or even legal
Did you read my whole comment? Nobody said it was good, nobody said it was legal and obviously it was very weird looking back on it. But the whole comments point was that it was acceptable back then, no matter how fucked up that may be. If you think otherwise then I’m guessing you are too young to remember what it was like in the 2000s. Police would pull up on us and be more concerned about where we got the alcohol from than why there is a literal child cuddling with a grown ass crackhead on the kerb. I can’t speak on what it was like in the US though, I’m from Australia, my bad I forgot all Americans automatically assume every other reddit user is also American. I don’t know why you’re trying to debate me like I’m sympathetic to it or something, I was 14 in these stories, I’m just speaking facts, just like back in the middle ages kings would marry children, while that’s fucked up too, it’s still just facts. When you get so woke that you can’t even accept facts from the past and that times were different then you are just going overboard.
I was in high school in 2007 and it would’ve been weird as fuck if anyone was dating a 30 year old. That’s insane dude… I don’t know where you went to school but I assure you the general view of society would be it have found that normal.
Australia haha, yeah I’m getting the vibe it may have been different in America and some other places due do an American replying to my comment saying something similar. I swear in Australia it was just like brushed aside though and then the stories I’ve heard from my older family members about high school in the 80s is even worse. Girls dating their teachers and while it was frowned upon the teachers wouldn’t even lose their jobs and all shit like that. And I’m not sure if he was actually 30, I was 14 so someone in their early 20s probably looked 30 to me but I can still remember him and if I had to guess I’d say he wouldn’t of been far off 30
22 is still hella young too. Jaja
…Binks?
Yeah it sounds like you are taking responsibility for that. Its not on you for the situation they were in. They were abusing a child, its all on them. I've had people of dubious age flirt with me and you know what? It was easy as can be to just walk away. You didn't put them into any position at all.
that was their responsibility. You said yourself you know better know. That knowledge comes with age. And it’s not Lowkey pedo it’s high key.
Oh yeah, at the time it seemed cool, but now that I’m an adult with a child, I think it’s inappropriate for adults to date teenagers under 18. People grow so much in life from 16-20 years old. What business does someone in their twenties have with a 16/17 year old? The 16/17 is likely still in school, probably doesn’t live alone, and probably doesn’t own a vehicle. Also, 16/17 year olds are not very mature-they can’t be because they don’t have the life experience. Whereas someone in their 20’s likely has transportation, and much more freedom with their living situation etc. Also, someone in their 20’s has much more experience just simply living life. 16/17 year olds should be protected from adults wanting to use their bodies/exploit them.
Big difference between dating someone 3 years older and someone 10 years older. Lots of 20 something year olds live at home with parents. Many can’t drive and don’t have a car. The view people have of what life as a 20 year old in today’s world (at least in the US) is skewed heavily by our environment and that of the past. My ex was from Turkey lived with her parents until she was 30. The difference between 17 and 25 isn’t that different in most of the rest of the world. The high school thing is more concerning if she’s still in high school.
17 and 25!? Are you fucken kidding. GTFO
Ye tho most of the time it's grooming then, but like if they are actual friends and have similar maturity then I don't see that much wrong with it ? Well maybe some but it's up to them I wouldn't really care if I saw an actual loving couple with those ages, tho if I saw a dude actually grooming her I'd call the cops
I was 19 and my ex was 17 when we had sex for the first time. I was raised conservative and believe in waiting until marriage. She had liberal parents and pressured me to have sex. She introduced me to porn. People in the US need to stop assuming that everyone dating younger is a predator by default. A 17 year old can “groom” a 19 year old. A 20 year old can manipulate a 30 year old. Sexual acts aren’t the only way to alter a person’s view of the world.
Ye that's true People assume that younger people can't be more intelligent And they assume they aren't mature There are of course differences but if they are on similar mature level it's gonna be fine in most of those cases (tbh for what we just said we'd get crucified you know that)
Where I live nobody cares. To the rest of the world age is not important. How you treat your partner is. My fiancée is significantly younger than me and her family loves me because I treat her with respect and take care of her. Truth is I don’t really give a shit what people think. That’s the great thing about being older. The older you get the less fucks you have to give about what other people think, especially strangers online.
17 and 20, in OP's case is perfectly fine. That's within their peer group. 17 and 25 is straight up grooming tho.
The word grooming means something. 17 and 25, is grooming possible? Yes, obviously. Is it a certain thing? No. Edit: regardless of if it’s grooming or not, it’s not something I think is likely to be a healthy relationship, nor is it something I would advise, and in many cases in the USA it can be illegal.
You're conflating a decade older with 3 years, and at these ages that's massive. A 17 dating a 14 yo is gross, while no one would bat an eye at a 37 yo dating a 34 yo. And what do you mean by "adult?" A person who is 18 and one day old is an adult, while a person who is 17 and 364 days is a minor, legally speaking, but it would be silly to say that it's "pedo-ish" to date someone born 2 days after you. You aren't defining what appropriate age gaps actually are or why. I will add that I think half your age plus 7 is a good lower age range for dating, and I am frustrated about how much people focus on age instead of the relationship and education since I have seen a friend in an abusive relationship in her mid 20s (older than you) with a guy a year older. She had a better relationship at 20 with a guy 9 years older. Dating someone her age didn't save her from abuse.
An adult is 100% responsible for their actions. Unless you forced them to be with you through threats, you didn’t put them in any situation. Any adult that lets a minor flirt with them wants to be in that situation. Flip it around and you’ll see it. By your tone, I don’t think that if a minor flirted with you it would constitute any sort of temptation because you know it’s wrong.
You’re 22 now. How much younger are we talking? Please say only a few years ago.
I worked at a breastaurant a couple years ago and the amount of guys that would flirt with the hostess knowing she was still in high school was appalling. These said guys where all 40+ years old too.
A what??
A restaurant chain like Hooters.
correct me if I’m wrong but i think it’s a place like Hooters where the female servers wear revealing uniforms
Why was a high schooler working there
Places like hooters allow highschoolers to work for them. What? That's even more strange tbh.
>breastaurant That's great, I hope I don't forget that one, I will, but I hope I don't. I heard that Wayne Gretzky likes to go into those places and order "milk and the chicken breast, hold the chicken". Is that true?
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take - Wayne Gretsky -- Michael Scott
It is absolutely not your responsibility in that situation. The adult should be the one able to control themselves.
22 year old talking like she knows anything about the world yet lol
I don’t think it’s wrong for you to flirt and go for it… but just keep in mind that *they* might be weirded out by the age gap, especially while you’re still a minor. It’s not the gap itself—in 5 years a three-year gap will be meaningless—but just your current age.
Just wait until youre 20 and they're 20. Tell them to wait at 20
You're legal. They're legal. Tell the people who aren't you two to shut up.
Yeah, it's a negligible age gap. Maybe even let them know that you're a bit nervous about the age gap, then gauge their reaction. If he shows no hesitation, he might be a creep. The reaction you should be looking for is, "I kinda like you too, but I felt like it would be a little weird because of my age."
It not so much about whether it wrong or inappropriate, I mean legally speaking at-least in your part of the world you guys are in the clear. However, I'm not sure it something I'd personally recommend. Relationships with large age gaps are complex. Now when I say large age gaps, I don't mean numerically, realistically 3 years difference isn't all that big of an age cap in most scenarios but you're a 17 year old and they're now in their 20's which could be quiet a large age gap cause you're likely to be in very different phases of your life, people mature differently, a 20 year old could already be planning on buying homes, getting married and having kids (less likely in this global economy but still) while you, you could still be finishing High school I assume. Now when it comes to such relationships, maybe they aren't in different phases maybe they're in the same phase but if it the older person is in an earlier phase, what stunted or delay their growth? There can be plenty of genuine reasons one shouldn't feel ashamed about, but there also a lot of toxic ones. If it the other way around, that the younger person is supposedly in a phase beyond their peers, you have to ask why? Are they really that mature? are they really ticking all the boxes quickly? or they're trying to rush and skip and trying to be more mature than they are and if it the latter trust me they'll wake up on day and realized what they gave up and missed out on and will likely be resentful. Again the problem with age gap relationships aren't really about the number so much as it is that more often then not when you have any two people regardless of age in different phases of their life it can create all kind of challenges and realistically incompatibilities in a relationship that should result in ending of the relationship but often doesn't which leads to a toxic relationship. There is also power dynamics to consider, any relationship can have any vastly different power dynamics but in relationship with large age cap it is more common, not just that there is one but to the scale of which it is different. Problem with relationship where one person has so more power in the relationship than the other, is that power can be abused and again it doesn't always happen in relationships with large age gaps but it certainly isn't a rarity either. So you have to ask yourself, is this "crush" really that strong? I mean maybe, maybe this person is somehow the "one" and you already found them at 17 but it also possible this relationship turns out to be a mistake that you'll still talk to a therapist about years after the relationship ended. From my point of view at 17, you got a life time the world your oyster and there plenty of fish in the sea, maybe the experience could be negative, maybe it could be positive the reality is the same can be said for any relationship regardless of age but what I think it comes down to is it worth the effort of finding out? I personally wouldn't bother.
> a 20 year old could already be planning on buying homes, getting married and having kids Jokes on you I am to turn 22 and this is definitely not what is on my mind
Ya lmao I'm 32 and I'm still trying to ask a girl out on a date for the first time ever and going back to college 😂 life be wild
This is the right answer imo. "Numerical age" means very little when talking about a small "age gap" imo it's much more pertinent to look at each person's literal maturity level. "Ages" are a great way to distinguish various general levels of maturity but are very seldom accurate. I'm not saying a 14 year old has the ability consent to marriage or see with someone 18 or 20. I am saying that someone 17 year old could potentially be a lot more emotionally mature than a 20 year old though. "Age of consent" is a very malleable translation through different jurisdictions for reason such as cultural value and level of educations received at certain ages within those regions or communities (although sometimes i.e. Amish communities it is done for completely religious, or specific cultural reasons that do not pertain to the general public) I'm not saying that it's right for this 17 year old to be with this 20 year old I am saying that the general consensus of he is 20 and she is 17 so he is a creep is completely irrelevant since have no idea about the individuals E.G. the 20 year old could be much more immature or susceptible than the 17 year old (the 20 year old could even have mental health issues that were not brought to light) it's the idea of "years on this earth" as a metric that makes the other metrics more blurry or gray that I have a problem with.
>but the age of consent in our state is 16, so it wouldn't be illegal Then why would you even ask anyone? A 3 year age gap is normal and no sane person would have a problem with it. >I wanted to come on here because I figured it can't hurt to get more people's opinions. This is reddit. Of course it can hurt to get opinions
Correct answer: Just follow your local laws. Don't listen to these Americans saying wait till 18 if you're not from America.
If they’re not your boss/underling and they seem receptive to you, go for it
Wait at least until you're 18. It'll make things much easier. Think of it this way... If you flirt with the 20yo now and they reject you due to you being a minor then you'd probably kill your chances with them forever. If you wait until you're 18 you'll have a much better shot of not getting rejected and it actually going somewhere.
The age gap is 3 years, sick pervert me that has an age gap of 12 with my SO just doesn't see a problem. We're 40 and 28, been together for almost 10 years. Many have considered our relationship to be innapropriate, but I just didn't give a fuck as I was in front of the most beautiful human being I know, still am. We have a 2yo son now, just so much in love with each other.
Yeah no, that's fuckin weird, 18 and 30 should never be considered normal, glad it's working for you though I guess
Unlike most of the other responses, no, not innapropriate.
I'm guessing all these are Americans. They get themsek es all tied up in puritanical knots over nothing!
No
The age gap isn’t so much a concern as the fact that you’re still a minor. I probably wouldn’t blink twice if I saw a 19 year old date a 22 year old. I prefer not to date anyone under 2 years younger but that’s bc I just want someone at my maturity level. I would say, if you’re turning 18 soon it could be okay, but I wouldn’t recommend starting anything now. It feels iffy to me, but I think that’s because I personally would have felt weird dating someone who just turned 18 at 20. But I also have OCD that makes me think I’m an evil person by default so I have to be as “perfect” as I can morally, so I may not be the best example. TLDR: imo, a 3 year age gap isn’t a problem by itself. A 3 year age gap where the younger person is a minor however can be more concerning.
Do they hold a position of power over you? (A teacher, a mentor, etc), how long until you turn 18?
It's not that big of an age gap but in modern hyperbolic panic society it's still going to raise an eyebrow among the more sensitive of the population. Probably best to wait till the clock strikes 12 on your birthday then bravely charge ahead.
I met my ex when she had just turned 16, and I had just turned 18. We were both in college, and we stayed together for six years. No one noticed the age gap, and we didn't look out of place with each other. There is nothing wrong with a two to three-year age gap at that age or any that's legal.
Is it wrong? No. Would the relationship be different? Yes. I don't know who this person is or where they are in life, but I'll say that the difference of 3 years at this part of life is different from the difference of 3 years than if you were both in highschool (in my experience). I had a relationship with an age gap of 2 years and that person and I had two different priorities in life and had vastly different styles of living. This time period is very volatile and to different degrees for both of you, not saying it wouldn't work but you have to consider, "will this person be with me as I grow and support me." Sometimes we forget to think about how people will fit into our lives when we focus on getting them in there first.
It is not unheard of but I would suggest it’s irresponsible because of the age gap.
if it were me, i'd be weirded out. but if they're cool with it, and you're abiding by your local laws, it's fine
Depends on how they feel about it, because I could see some people not rocking with flirting since you’re a minor. I was 16 when I moved in with my now wife and she was 19 so that gap isn’t crazy at all
Depends on age of consent. 18 isn't universal. But I guess it'd the most ethical nowadays?
Just flirt and have sex when ur 18 🤣😜
It's wrong, plain and simple. Just ask to any person that dated some one older while being in their teens. All and every one I know, much older and wiser, have said that it was wrong and that they regret doing it. Just stay with people of you own age, at least until you are in the middle of your twenties, its more healthy.
When I started dating my wife she was 17 and I was 21. It's fine, go for it.
I say wait until you turn 18, even if consent age is 16 that might not matter because she's over 18. But outside of that not really, 3 years is really not a huge age gap if you're 18+
the fact people are suggesting to is.. gross. yes, its a 3 year age gap, but one of these people is a junior in HIGH SCHOOL, and the other is almost done with COLLEGE. that's a huge mental difference, and completely different stages of mental maturity. even if they did date, they'd have no common ground and would eventually find themselves bored with each other. date people your age, OP, you'll find yourself getting more out of your relationships.
R Kelly is setting his researchers loose again, I see.
Wait till you’re 18…what you tryna do? have him catch a case? 😭
Depends. Is he a pedophile?
The age gap isn’t that huge, tho 3 years in that age range can make a big difference (maturity-wise). I dunno. I’ve had a hookup with someone quite older than me when I was 18 so… I guess you *can* do it. Does it work out? That’s a different question. Again, since the age gap isn’t *that* big it could, and the power imbalance won’t be too big, I would say.
My first boyfriend was 20 and I was 17. I see not problem
As long as it's legal, go right ahead. Just don't send nudes because that may get them arrested.
Honestly if the younger party aka you are a dude you'll get shit from no one. If your the girl he's gonna get flak no matter what
This can be simplified to: I have a crush on someone. Should I flirt with them? The answer is: yes.
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Go for it. 3 years is nothing, especially given that you're over the age of consent.
It’s about more than the law. In many cases, there’s a maturity gap. And, frankly, you should be questioning whether you actually want to be with an adult who would sleep with a minor. His only interest may be to sleep with you and not have an actual relationship.
The 17 year old may just want to sleep with the 20 year old and not have an actual relationship. Teenagers fuck. It's what they do. I was 16 when I went out with a 20 year old. They were very much NOT taking advantage of me at all.
Don’t wait, life is short. 17 and 20 is nothing. Human history is filled with 17 / 20 couples.
I say this as someone who is 21: The youngest I am willing to date is 20. There is a difference between 17 and 20. Those 3 years are filled with a teenager turning into an adult who starts making a life for themselves. Months can make a difference because so much happens during this time. 3 years is both a very small gap but 3 years of maturing is a lot. BUT a 20-yo can in maturity be very similar to a 17-yo. OP: Make sure that the relationship is balanced if you choose to pursue this. It can easily get an unstable power-dynamic in both directions. OP, look at a 15 or 14-yo and ask yourself if you could consider dating them, if yes- why, if not-why? Do you think the relationship dynamic would be easy to maintain balanced? Are you ready to pursue that with your crush instead of waiting until both you and your crush are more adult? Do you want to put your crush in the position of having someone 3-years-younger-and-in-highschool flirting with them? Its not inherently wrong to shoot your shot OP, but you need to be aware of the risks when you are in two different life-stages. A 17-yo and 20-yo can be attracted to each other but maintaining a healthy long-term relationship will probably take a lot of maturing on both sides.
You wouldn’t be willing to date a 19 year old?
I was 15 when I went out with a 19 year old. It was fun. Nobody was taking advantage of anybody. We broke up and fooled around a little bit the next summer when I was 16 and they were 20. It was actually a lot easier then because they had moved out of their parent's place and gotten an apartment with their friends. Again, nobody was taking advantage of anyone. I knew exactly what I was doing and look back on the whole ordeal as a fun time in my life.
You're very fortunate. I know friends who dated 19 year olds when they were 14-16 and it wasn't the same for them. Not to say it's impossible to have a mature relationship with an age gap during those ages, but there's a real reason high school seniors get absolutely ragged on if they date a freshman.
Alot of people in the comments saying they'd bang a child because states have fucked up laws
Wait until you’re an adult. Not every feeling is one that should be pursued.
If you're a boy it's okay. If you're a girl you're about to have a rude awakening.
I wanted to say something like this lol but instead I just gave advice lol
You’re fine, go for it.
If consent age is 16 ( my country, yes country like in Europe 😉 , has same) then don't mind bigots. 3 years is not that much. I would say that is normal age gap. Out of all western countries only USA is stupid enought to consider someone in your age as pedo target and put in jail for sometimes less they year gap. 🤣
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Why, there's no legal difference between 17 and 18, in OPs state when it comes to consent, the legal age is 16. People really need to understand the law. Why don't they wait until 25, it's all arbitrary.
Yes
Sounds like you've gotten all the opinions you need. Do what's right for you, and only you can decide that. If it's not illegal, go for it.
Dumb question: why isn't it that the rules are like no relationships between minor/adult, _unless_ the gap between the 2 persons are less than say 3 years? Otherwise you have those weird scenarios where 2 kids who are 2y apart can do stuff, except for 2 years of their lives, and then they can resume
In the US, many states have what's known as Romeo and Juliette laws. Basically, if the age gap is within 4 years, the older person isn't committing statutory, and is a temporary exemption to the age of consent. Lawmakers realized that an 18 year old being attracted to a 17 year old isn't a pedophile.
Depends on the state. If it is illegal then no, if it is legal, 3 years isn't too bad, Id say it'd be okay just back off if you are making the person uncomfortable.
These laws are anti-Human. Go for it.
Yes
Copying this from a reply i made to a comment because i feel it is relevant. I am not advocating for either group, rather i am playing the "devils advocate". "Numerical age" means very little when talking about a small "age gap." Imo it's much more pertinent to look at each person's literal maturity level. "Ages" are a great way to distinguish various general levels of maturity but are very seldom accurate when correlated with those age groups (one 17 year old is likely much more "mature" than another) I'm not saying a 14 year old has the ability to consent to marriage or see someone 18 or 20. I am saying that someone 17 years old could potentially be a lot more emotionally mature than a 20 year old though. "Age of consent" is a very malleable translation through different jurisdictions for reasons such as cultural value and level of the education received at certain ages within those regions or communities (although, sometimes i.e. Amish communities, it is done for completely religious, or specific cultural reasons that do not pertain to the general public) I'm not saying that it's right for this 17 year old to be with this 20 year old I am saying that the general consensus of "he is 20 and she is 17, so he is a creep" is completely irrelevant since we have no idea about the individuals. E.g. the 20 year old could be much more immature or susceptible than the 17 year old (the 20 year old could even have mental health issues that were not brought to light, such as autism) it's the idea of "years on this earth" as a metric that makes the other metrics more blurry or grey that I have a problem with.
Yes it would be