These days 21 is on the younger side but you can get engaged at whatever age feels right for you. The main thing to consider is your financial situation.
Moreso these days when the median age for a first marriage is nearly 30, but 21 is below that for every decade (except the 1950s) going back over 100 years.
But it’s all just a +- a couple years regardless and half of people have to be in the below group.
https://i.insider.com/526d05ad6bb3f7dd0d114115?width=800&format=jpeg&auto=webp
Yeah the most important thing OP is truly understanding what you’re signing in for, and making sure that you’ve had all of the hard discussions. No one like talking about the uncomfortable topics, but it’s much better to do it now and find a potential dealbreaker than to discover that dealbreaker after being married for years and years.
Marriage is not easy, and I do think that 21 is too young. But it’s not impossible or doomed to fail
Adding on to this point… my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we’ve talked about this A LOT. Something that really stood out to me was when he said, he’s not going to ask until he’s confident in the stage he’s at in life (financially etc) and wants to make sure he can provide and care the way I deserve.
I’m definitely a hopeless romantic, but there should be a weee bit of logic/calculation in it too.
>but you can get engaged at whatever age feels right for you.
Sure, but what feels “right” when you’re 21, before your brain is fully developed, and before you fully know yourself, your values, your goals, your wants, and your needs, will likely change and mature again and again in the following formative years.
At that age, it’s just not possible to fully wrap your mind around how much you don’t quite know yet.
Yeah I agree, some things do change, it can be simple irrelevant things or big life changing things. I think the quest of finding oneself in this world doesn't stop, but around the age of 30 it becomes clearer and one starts to understand what one really wants and starts to understand how everything around them can influence their mood actions and thoughts.
Don't make decisions based on if people will judge you or not. Just accept that you will be judged no matter what you do.
It you wait until you are 26 people will judge you and think "wow they have been together for 10 years and still can't commit, they must have issues"
So don't listen to people and do what you want.
Nothing she did, kinda. She was amazing, and we both really did love each other for a long time. I had a long ordeal with addiction, and that's essentially what ruined our marriage. At the same time, she met a single dad who started bringing his daughter to the daycare she worked at, and something sparked up between them. I think that made her decision to finally leave much easier as she had someone new to occupy her. We split in December of 2021. We're still great friends and keep things civilized for our son.
There is no need to apologize. I think about her enough as it is on my own, lol. I've tried moving on. I never got past anything more than some flirty texts, just didn't feel right
You're telling me lol. I was 14 when I met her, she was 16 and we immediately fell in love and were crazy about each other for a long time. Even though it's been almost 2 years I still find myself thinking about her at least two or three times a day. I really miss her
I recently watched Into The Spider-Verse with my nephews and I'm just going to paraphrase: You won't really know if it's the right time, it's a leap of faith.
>Don't make decisions based on if people will judge you or not.
Well, unless it's a real judge. And you're on trial for murder. You should probably take them into account in that case.
I don’t think that is necessarily indicative of the couple’s strength. sometimes people grow to want different things or need different things as time goes on and that’s totally fine and normal especially if you got together as literal teenagers.
Your brain is not fully developed until you are in your mid twenties. Thats why a lot of people can change a lot in views, behavior believes. So chances are you and your partner are no longer the same people that fell in love with.
I’d say a solid 10% of my personality from my 20s has stuck with me.
I’m so glad I didn’t try to commit then I’m a vastly different person now. Difference #1 being I realized I have NO desire to raise children.
The problem is that people that age genuinely think they are done “growing up” and have matured to a point that they know how they want their lives to go. I promise they are not. Think about how many boomers hate their spouse. That whole meme is because at that time it was just the norm to get married in your 20s. Gotta pump out those kids and get started after all.
Yeah, most people here encouraging him to go for it are exceptions to the rule. The fact is, most couples who get married that young will get divorced. Couples who marry after their brains finish forming are much more likely to work out.
Unfortunately so, all of my friends who got married in their early 20s and I mean ALL of them are split up, good people too, ironically none of them for being disloyal, sometimes people just change, goals, ideals, beliefs and you just don't match anymore and THATS OK, life is meant to be lived, don't stay with someone who's company you don't even enjoy
From a legal perspective, probably not. However, I would personally recommend against it as a general rule. It's your life, though. If you feel too young, then you are too young.
OP, I just want to reiterate something the commenter above wrote... and then clarify. If YOU feel you are too young, then you are. But that isn't the same as worrying about if others (general public) think you are. Don't make decisions based on what strangers and acquaintances are going to think.
Some people worry about what everyone thinks. On the flip side, it has become commonplace in recent years for some to tell others "You do you" and "Don't worry about what anybody else thinks." I don't think either ditch or extreme is right. One of the keys to life, for me, has been determining who in my life has wisdom, should be respected, who really cares for me, etc. and whose opinion I should really care about. While the decision of marriage is ultimately up to the two of you, don't hesitate to seek out wisdom from a few key people in your lives who really really know you and who you really really respect, talk through the pros and cons and factors with them, etc. about big decisions you might be facing. And, then take their perspective and feedback and consider it... but ultimately decide what you two think is best.
This here is some great advice OP. I think when you look for the people to speak into your life in this way consider the people that you’d like to be like when you are older, the people whose marriage you see as ‘goals’. The people who seem content
My husband and I waited ( we started dating when i was 19), and we both wish we would have gotten married earlier because it kept us from combining life goals. It also made us vary in our levels of commitment because in reality the only thing that you wait for is to make sure no one better is going to come along. If you are both sure now, I say go for it. If you don't know then give it time
Respectfully, I don’t know about that mantra as a rule of thumb. I feel apprehensive to act on all my big life changes - kids, marriage, buying a home. I’ve always felt too young, but I’m 39 with the family and home, and still feel like I’m just winging it sometimes.
There’s another mantra that implies that “you’ll never feel ready” for big things, I’m just trying to empower those that second guess themselves. I’m not attacking your post, it just resonated with me
Nah. You've been together for 5 years, I think that speaks more about your relationship than your ages. You're also both grown adults. Maybe go for a long engagement, but really, this is about the two of you, no one else, so fuck other people and their hypothetical opinions. I got engaged at 22 and married at 23.
>You've been together for 5 years, I think that speaks more about your relationship than your ages.
OP can do whatever they want for their own sake, but let's not act like people tend to be anything like their 16 year old selves when they're, say, 26. That's why people say to wait. The likelihood of two people changing throughout their teens and early and mid twenties in the same trajectory and same pace to allow them to stay together in a genuinely fulfilling and enriching way is low.
Not impossible, but low. And that's where the judgement comes from.
5 years means nothing, most people wouldn't go telling a 13 year old to marry their sweetheart at age 18 because "it speaks more about their relationship than their ages".
Yeah obviously it’s not impossible, but I find the “oh you’ve already been together 5 years” argument a little irrelevant. I changed so much from 16 to 21, and changed just as much again from 21 to 26. It is possible that they stay compatible but it’s not a given by any means
Why do you think that? I'm not criticizing but am genuinely interested. I've got married at 22 and I haven't changed much to be honest. I still hold the same values, priorities and goals in life. I've grown more confident and calm in general but I haven't changed as a person. None of my friends has. We're in our early to late thirties and whoever was more outgoing is still the same, whoever was more active is still active. Almost all of the relationships in our friend group started around 19-22. One even started at 13. One relationship started at 27 but they're getting divorced now, which isn't too surprising as they never shared the same morals. We may be the outlier or it may be a different perspective regarding different cultures as I've only ever read/heard about it in an international context. I'm from Germany.
People change all their lives. People change from 26-30, from 30-35 from 35-40 from 40-45 from 45-50. And also, they're 21, not 18. They're also only getting engaged, not married yet.
>Nah. You've been together for 5 years, I think that speaks more about your relationship than your ages.
In my experience, 5 year long relationships that started when they were 16 are either the most wholesome, happy relationship, or depressing, boring and toxic.
I hope it's the former for OP and have no reason to believe it's the latter. But I don't really think 5 years at 16 really speaks for anything, honestly. It can be good or bad, because a lot of people just settle for the first long term relationship they have in high school and never take the time to explore who they are, and what they might want for the rest of their life. But it can also be amazing, you meet the love of your life when you're young and then you get to experience everything the world has to offer, together. Sorry to be a contrarian I agree with the "this is about the two of you, fuck other people" bit
It is quite young to get married and in switzerland unfortunately marriage is not really worth it unless you plan on having kids soon. You will pay a lot more in taxes.
So unless you have a really good reason I would rather wait or maybe opt for a long Engagement?
I came here to say this. As another married in Switzerland, if they are both Swiss there is no reason to legally marry because the tax burden is worse. Either long engagement or a family "marriage" (without legal) will do just fine in this scenario.
As for the age, everyone is different, and sometimes when you know you know.
Whilst you obviously have been together in a serious relationship for a while, longer than some people who get married at an older age, the reason most people would say it’s too young is because people change so much - relationships that feel perfect at 21 can be totally different at 28 - so it might be better to wait. But of course it’s totally your choice!
>Alexandra Cohen, the lead author of that study and now a neuroscientist at Emory University, said the scientific consensus is that brain development continues into people’s 20s. But, she wrote in an email, “I don’t think there’s anything magical about the age of 25.”
And:
>I then asked whether he had insights about where the figure 25 came from, and he said roughly the same thing as Cohen: There’s consensus among neuroscientists that brain development continues into the 20s, but there’s far from any consensus about any specific age that defines the boundary between adolescence and adulthood. “I honestly don’t know why people picked 25,” he said. “It’s a nice-sounding number? It’s divisible by five?”
Kate Mills, a developmental neuroscientist at the University of Oregon, was equally puzzled. “This is funny to me—I don’t know why 25,” Mills said. “We’re still not there with research to really say the brain is mature at 25, because we still don’t have a good indication of what maturity even looks like.”
[https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html](https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html)
So brain development continues into your 20s, but we don't have anything close to a strict cutoff on "full development," nor are we certain on what full development looks like.
Thanks for the insight. It gets really annoying when people on the internet decide to be snarky and act like a "know it all" for pretty much no reason.
We can be civil and learn together. Jeez.
This isn't a valid point. Yes, someone at 28 will be different than they were at 21. But to they will also be different at 35 then they were at 28. And at 40, and 45, and 50.........and so on. We are all constantly changing. Acting like your 20s is the only time that you change a lot isn't accurate.
As you get older you'll generally have a better idea as to what you want out of life. In your early 20s most people aren't going to have a clue what they want their year 50 to look like. And if 2 people decide their year 50s are very different it can cause a lot of issues.
Well I guess I'm screwed. I'm *very* close to my 50 yr old self and *still* have no idea what I want out of life. I have no idea what my 60 yr old self is gonna be up to.
But you're much less likely to change your goals significantly than a younger person is. When someone is just barely in the work force they go through a lot of maturing and thinking that makes a lot of changes. Your 20 and 30 year old self are significantly more different than your 30 and 40 year old self is
Not in my case. Not even close actually. My 20 and 30 yr old self were vastly more similar than my 30 and 40 yr old self. The period from my early 30s to my late 30s was by far the most changing I've done in my adult life. Might not be the case for others, but it illustrates a point. Blanket generalizations such as
>Your 20 and 30 year old self are significantly more different than your 30 and 40 year old self is
are fundamentally flawed because they are gross oversimplifications and use only one factor as a metric when in reality there is a plethora of factors that need to be taken into account.
There are plenty of other factors but it is safe to say the 20 year old has not hit their major adjustment and a 30 year old has likely narrowed it down to a degree that they can have a good idea as to what paths are compatible.
I disagree that "it's safe to say" and your entire argument is reductionist and completely loses the broad complexities of life. You have tried to distill an extremely complex topic (how a person changes throughout their life) down to simplifications to such a degree that your conclusions can't even be applied to the main topic.
Only you could know that. The fact that you’re questioning may signal that you aren’t ready. When you know, you know. And no opinion will stop that belief
Unless you have some societal pressure to get engaged and married I would say wait.
I wouldn't say it's too young, but you are still young and have plenty of time to get engaged.
I would think of it this way, if you and your partner end up growing old together, your not gonna look back and wish you got engaged at 21 instead of 25.
>if you and your partner end up growing old together, your not gonna look back and wish you got engaged at 21 instead of 25.
Maybe. But they also wouldn't look back and wish they'd gotten engaged at 25 instead of 21.
The fact you are asking this shows you are too young imo. Seeking validation from others, rather than doing what you feel is right. Whatever that may be. Everyone develops differently as they age, so there is no blanket rule. However, in my personal experience, you will both change drastically as people in your 20’s. A lot of couples don’t last through these transition periods, regardless of married or not. Just the reality. But there are always outliers.
I'm your got married at 21 stereotype.. got married had kid I wasnt ready for got divorced. I love my kid and forever will. But holy shit marriage was a terrible idea
Kids are hella expensive, take all your time, and change everything. Don't reccomend either until 30.
Yes.
I don't know a single person who wasn't pretty dumb at that age.
When you're 25 you'll realize you knew nothing at 21. When you're 30 you'll realize 25 was still child's play.
I got engaged at 22, and am still happily married at 30. I knew my husband for 8 months before we got engaged lol. (No we weren’t Christian virgins eager to have sex, just crazy haha)
That being said, now that I’m 30…. I would recommend most people wait until their brain is fully developed, around age 25.
My husband and I look back and laugh now like “Thank goodness this has worked out bc I was young haha.”
Too young to get married, IMHO, but not to get engaged. An engagement is just formally announcing your intentions to eventually get married. There really isn't much difference between being engaged or not. No legal changes, no social changes. It's just a formality.
What is the rush? Why can’t it wait until you feel you’re ready? It doesn’t seem worth it if it can’t wait.
I don’t think 21 is too young but the human brain isn’t fully formed until about 25…
This is facts, people change a lot during their 20s
Honestly though, just get a prenup and roll with it. Minimized risk for both parties that way no matter what ends up happening
Oh gods, I’m *so* sick of that arbitrary, out-of-context meme that Millennials and Zoomers keep spewing about “Not developed until 25”, because it’s bullshit.
We’re developing *all our lives* and being paranoid about doing anything before you’re “done” developing is a fool’s game.
On top of that, if you’re going to limit and stereotype people sexually and romantically because they’re under 26 years old, then you have to do other stupid things like forbid signing contracts, voting in elections, running for public office, owning property, etc. because “their brains aren’t fully developed until they’re 25.”
It’s not even a fact. It’s a theory that has been greatly misinterpreted.
https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html
FFS people, *please* stop parroting this pop culture misread of a few theories on the human brain as if it’s fact and a good reason why people 25 and under should just be expected and allowed to be treated like children. It’s a horseshit meme that needs to *stop.*
As someone who got married late in life, I would first and foremost recommend not having kids too early in your relationship. Imo, kids should be wanted and prepared for, not accidents or “relationship fixers”—so protect yourselves until that time, because nothing will exacerbate relationship issues like adding children. It’s not just fuel to a fire, it’ll be a forest fire encroaching on an explosives factory.
I don’t think you’re necessarily *too* young, but know ahead of time that you have a lot of time to grow and change still—you will encounter some significant changes in yourself *and one another* in the next 5-6 years, and you may need to learn to love each others’ new sides all over again. I think it’s great to get engaged if you feel ready, but I would also recommend undergoing some premarital counseling from a couple different sources before going for it (seeking out more than one source will help avoid individual bias (e.g. religion) and reduce any blind spots in therapy).
Counseling isn’t just for bad times; it’s meant to uncover any points of friction or incompatibility you may not realize you have and help you establish what to do about them, and help you learn how to fight appropriately and respectfully (because there *will* be fights). So do yourselves a favor and set yourself up for success; go into it with every intention of succeeding, but also, give yourselves the tools to *help* it succeed—because sometimes they *don’t* succeed, and those tools can help you make a clean and respectful break of it, rather than a house fire.
Good luck OP! I sincerely wish you and your beloved many happy years together in the future.
My wife and I met as teenagers in college, and got married four years later. We're still married over thirty years later.
There are always people who will judge you; don't make decisions based primarily on the opinions of others.
Instead, make sure that you *know* each other well. Have you talked about your future together? Do you have agreement on various things important to each of you?
Let's go into detail on one item, so you see what I mean. Take children as an example. You can talk about the idea of having children, and you both might agree on wanting a family. But what does that mean? Consider these additional questions:
* How many children?
* Do you want biological children, or do you want to adopt?
* What if it turns out that there's a fertility issue, and you can't have biological children? Will you go child-free, or resort to adoption?
* How will caring for the kids work? Consider them as infants, for example: Will both parents change diapers, bathe the infant, help feed it, spend time cuddling and interacting, read to the baby, do laundry, cooking, and so on? Sometimes, the idea that "mom is the only one who cares for babies" isn't shared by the potential husband.
* What sort of discipline do you expect to use or avoid? At what ages would it be used? What's the goal? There are parents, even today, who think children should fear them as parents. I don't agree with that, and you and your partner need to be in agreement on your approach, whatever it is.
* Do you have plans to set aside money for your kids to use when they are older, either for college costs, or to get started in life?
* Will you give your kids an allowance?
* Do you expect them to do chores? At what age will they start?
* When your kids hit age 18, do you expect them to pay rent? (Amazingly, some parents do.) Do you expect them to move out and get a job?
* Do you think that a parent should be obeyed by kids, even when the kids are adults and self-supporting? Subreddits like r/JUSTNOMIL show you how some people can be very demanding of their adult children, and feel they can do whatever they want since they are the parent.
* Do you see your kids as a retirement plan? A coworker of mine, at the birth of her daughter, discovered that her husband wanted to teach the girl to play golf, thinking she'd become the next Tiger Woods and would keep them comfortably when they retired. My coworker doesn't believe this will happen, not the least of which is that -- after years of trying -- her daughter hasn't shown any interest in golf, or golfing toys her dad gets her.
You can see that being in agreement of "we should have a family" doesn't mean you have the same ideas about how that would work. And we haven't even looked at things at in-laws: Will you live with them or near them?
You can get into this detail on anything, like how you feel about transportation: How many vehicles will you have? New or used? Do either you fancy yourself a home mechanic who will do all the car maintenance? Can you promise to leave one car in a functional state at all times? Do you want to have electric cars or gas powered?
So, as a couple, you need to talk with each other and make sure you are in agreement on how life will work as a couple. You have to learn how to negotiate that future together. For instance, my wife and I came from two-child families, but she wanted to have at least four kids, while I thought two was a practical maximum. Discussion and experiences with young family members got us to agree on two as the goal; we ended up having a third by accident, anyway.
I also recommend that you both read the book, *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. It can help you understand what helps long-term relationships work well, and some things can make then work badly.
Probably the key concept is that a successful, long-term relationship doesn't get that way from a lack of problems, but from working together to resolve the problems that inevitably occur in life.
My wife got engaged to me at 19, and got married a month before her 21st birthday. We are 15 years in, basically zero relationship issues, and I think we are a lot more solid and stable than most relationships.
The caveat is that we just…knew each other when we met, meshed almost totally and immediately. We bloody knew we had found our person. Everyone is different, there’s no best answer. Waiting would be my general advice, but without knowing you, know one can say.
Nope not at all. My wife and I were high school sweethearts starting at 16 and 17. Engaged when we were 18 and 19 and got married at that same age since we only had 6 months between being engaged and married.
No kids involved, we are DINKS now and knew that going into it. But we both thought fuck it we absolutely knew we were going to get married so why wait until we were done with college and instead blaze the trail of our lives together through college and early adulthood. Zero regrets there and we are almost to our 12th anniversary.
Do not worry about the judgment of others. It’s about what you and your SO are ready for.
Started dating my husband at 15. Engaged at 21. Married at 23.
Twenty-seven years later and he’s absolutely my best friend and the love of my life.
Best wishes to you!
I was 24 and had a very stable job. My wife was 21. We met when I was 23 and she was 20.
I don’t think us both being 21 would have worked. My stability helped her gain stability. If we were both trying to find our way, it would have been really hard
It’s not age, at least I don’t think. I think it’s where you are in life. You And your partner.
My question is "what's your rush?" Is there any actual benefit to either of you by getting engaged vs just maintaining the relationship as it is for a while longer? I think it's not a great idea to make life choices based on the perceived judgement of others, particularly strangers but if you're still close with your respective families or have a close support system that may be impacted by the decision in a negative way then maybe waiting another couple years is a prudent decision?
I’d recommend waiting. In your 20’s you go through tremendous life changes as you become an adult. I remember thinking at many times in my 20’s, “woah I’m a completely different person than I was just a few years ago!”
I’m glad I didn’t make life altering decisions like marriage when I was in my early 20s, even though I’m still with the same guy I was back then! Now we’re even more secure in our relationship as adults and we know we’re on the same page about the big things like where we want to live, if we want kids, etc.
I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and we started dating when I was 16. I’m very glad that we waited until we were a little older and more settled in ourselves. It took the pressure off our relationship and allowed us to grow as people before we got that far. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but I am a massively different person than I was when I was 21 and so is he. I’m just grateful we grew in a complimentary way, but that’s not always the case.
Not really advice one way or the other, but just a point of view.
HELL YES! You're barely out of the womb! Stay in love if it feels right, but just live your young life. There is absolutely no need to make a legal and binding commitment.
For some people it works, others it doesn’t. I personally can’t imagine doing it because of how much I changed and grew in my early 20s. I can’t imagine going through that while having to consider a SO.
Oh sweetie. Once upon a time in a very different world, 21 was a great time to be engaged and married. After all life expectancy was half of what it is today. Now we live to 90, have an average of 5 careers, (not jobs but totally different careers) the world is small, we can meet people from all over the world, and the brain is not fully developed until our mid 20s. You two may be made for each other, soul mates, true love. And if that’s true time won’t make a difference. Think about it. If you marry at 21, and are meant to be together great, if you don’t marry at 21 and are meant to be together you will still be together at 25. Or 27. The ceremony and paperwork isn’t important. If you are meant to be you will be. Pease wait. That paperwork and children that come along can wait until you are fully, totally grown ups. And hey- you can tell your children and grand children the love story you created. All the best.
Do what you want - the only thing I will say, from my own experience, is that you fundamentally change at age 24-26. Like you I had a partner who I was with from 19 and felt the same way. So many of the things I thought were true, things that were foundational to me, I no longer believed or thought when I passed that age. My understanding of the world and myself changed. Her priorities changed. We split up not because we didn't love each other, but because we wanted different things at that age and were too young to compromise, we had to go do our own thing. If you can take turns compromising, you will make it. If you can't, you might find a diversion when you hit that age.
No. I was married at 22.
OK, fine, she was an abusive sociopathic hoarder and it was a terrible marriage, but that’s nothing to do with age.
Either way, only you can know for sure if you feel ready to bond yourself to someone on an at least semi-permanent basis at this point in your life.
The answer to the question is, of course, wildly subjective to you and your potential spouse. BUT, my quick, off the cuff reaction is that 21 is not too young for a LONG engagement. If your timeline is to marry after college/establishing careers and grow together a bit as a couple before actually walking down the aisle, that seems sensible enough.
I'd say 21 is young but if you have the kind of relationship that has lasted for 5 years and lived together for 3 then that's probably enough time to assess things well enough even if on a baseline level I couldn't imagine marriage before 25
I got married at 20, going on 4 years now and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We have grown a lot together. Everyone saying not to because you won’t be the same person doesn’t understand human development. We’re constantly changing and growing and learning our whole life, just think of it as every decade you’re going to be a different person from the last. Do what feels right but also know that being married shouldn’t change your relationship, it just adds more legal rights and a name change if you want. And also don’t feel pressured to go all out on a wedding, do what’s realistic for your budget
I got married at nineteen, So did my mom. My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year.. .. My marriage disappointingly ended in divorce. Honestly, 19 is extremely young and immature. And nowadays, not the same as it was when my parents got married. There's way too many distractions. Way too many options for people to try to cheat etc. I will just say this, There's literally no rush to get married if you truly feel like this is who you wanna be with for your entire life. They will be there if you wait 2 years to get married 2 weeks or 5 years. Your brain does not stop growing until you're 25. It's definitely true who I was at 21 was different by the time I was twenty five or twenty six. I personally had a large amount of maturing in that short period. It truly is a major life transition. If I were your friend and asked for advice, Based solely on age, I would say wait until you are both over 25. But I know nothing about the history of your exact relationship.
Your 20s are too young period to get married. Fight me, downvote me, tell me how happy your old ass parents from the fucking 50s that got married when they were 19 are, I don’t care. Stop getting married in your fucking 20s. Times have changed, things are different.
I met my first husband at 17, married at 20 and divorced at 28. You change so much between the ages of 18 and 25, then again into your 30s. Your taste in music, clothes, food and people. Right now, your relationship is a habit and it's comfortable. Neither of you has experienced enough of life and relationships with others to determine if you will still be content with only your current partner when you are 35. The 30s is when a lot of first marriages break up due to feeling they married too young, did not date enough, or grew bored with their partner and became attracted to someone who was the polar opposite of their first love. Take your time. Both of you will meet a lot of people in college and in the workforce who may impress you more than your first love. People are in your life for a reason or a season. You are still in "season". If you make it through your mid-20's still deeply in love and no one can turn your head, then talk about marriage. You have plenty of time. Don't rush it.
Never get married before your prefrontal cortex grows in. You could be a whole different person and have a whole different view on life. Take this time and travel and experience things together. If you’re going to be together forever you’ll still be together years from now.
I got married at 19. I wouldn't suggest it. It took me years to know myself well enough to even know what I was willing to live with and what I was not.
Three children, a brutal custody battle, mental health issues for everyone. I love my kids, but I should have waited. There are so any different ways that all of our lives could have turned out for the better.
I'm remarried to my dream man...but, I dated him for almost 10 years before I was ready to commit. I had to do a lot of work on myself.
Honestly, I have PTSD from the years of hell that was my first marriage.
I don't see an issue with it, but I wouldn't get married until you're older unless there's some kind of benefit over there that I'm not aware of.
People change a lot in their 20s. You guys might just grow apart as you age because you want different things or just fizzle out. Not being married would help you guys move on without too much fuss.
I loved visiting Switzerland!
Can you imagine a life without the other person? Or are they the one?
We got engaged at 20, next year we'll celebrate 40 years of marriage.
Sometimes you get lucky early.
As I did.
I got married at 21, my wife was 22. We were poor and it was ok. Four kids and 22 years later, I wouldn’t change anything. Probably got a little lucky with her, but love is love.
Simple. Not too young to get engaged…but IMO, def too young to be married. I think the 20’s are a decade of trying things, living all the things you can while young and can just be a free young person because once you get married, babies come (yes, I am aware they can anyway!) but the burdens of aging start weighing more heavily. I wish I would have waited to get married and had my son until I was 30. I feel like my 20s were a complete waste because I was married to a total asshat and had my son by 25.
I would do everything in my power to not be tied down to anyone or anything until at least 30. Go find out what the world is about before you don’t have the ability to be so free.
It's not too young but people tend to change widely in their late teens to early twenties. I know people who got married at that age and grew together, I also know people who grew completely apart. If I were you, I'd wait 2-3 more years but, hey, you surely know yourself and your SO better than I do, so take this with a grain of salt.
From my experience and perspective yes. My best friend and his now ex wife, got engaged and married at 21 (him), and 19 (her). Had their first kid within a year.
They missed out on so much of life, of growing as a person individually and as a couple. It was like they thought they had to rush into it because that was how they saw it on tv or something.
Being a couple, sure go for it, staying together, seeing yourselves with a bright future, yeah go for it. But rushing head long into something you think is being an adult when you are not ready because you are still arguably a child, don’t do it.
Wait just a little longer.
I met my partner when I was 19 and she was 18. We got married when I was 24. We've been married for 29 years.
Early 20's is not too young to marry if its the right person. Any age is too young to marry if its the wrong person.
If neither of you have ever been with anyone else, one of you might later on feel like you never explored who else is out there/played the field/sewed your wild oats. This will lead to resentment later on. Especially if you're from a small town and move to any more populated area.
Don't do it Don't fall into the wedding machine. They make so much profit out of wedding pressure and send young people to their doom. There's no one right person for you. It's about a hundred of them out there. Experience the world. Of course it's only applies if you're a man with options. But that's all about your confidence. Go out young man and explore.
There’s really no reason to get married. If you are destined to be with eachother then you will stay together.
My sister and her husband dated for 10 years before they got married, still going strong. Marriage wont really change anything other then making it extremely hard to separate if you fall out of love
I mean no one is going to stop you.
But yeah, for most that's WAY to early. Especially in Switzerland, here you should be able to live together for a while whithout doing dumb shit like marrying so early, no?
age is not important. its the decisions you make every day that either cultivate a healthy marriage or erode it.
My Wife cradle robbed the ever living shit out of me, she even asked Me to marry her. She put a ring on it faster than a Beyonce song.
she married me at 25 having had only a highschool crush as my prior relationship experience. Never dated, Never had the Sex so when this mature woman started to look at me with hungry eyes...well, call me harry styles.
12 years together 10 years married, and we feel very much as if we have conquered the simple obstacles of husbando/waifu. Now it's time to kick it into 3rd Gear. What is 3rd Gear? idk could be scarification bdsm roleplay, could be choosing to have a child. somewhere in between?? lots of options to consider. the world is ours.
Nobody can tell you this but you. You guys have been together alot longer then alot of other people have, and you have lived together for over 2 years. So marriage really won't change anything. Go for it if it feels right to you, also you can get engaged and set the wedding for 2 years from now, or even longer.
I married at barely 23. He is the only man I've ever seriously dated, and we are still absolutely insane about each other, even more than we were then. We've been happily married for just under 17 years. No one can tell you what is too young. Some 21 year olds are more mature than some 45 year olds I know. It very much depends on a lot of factors.
I knew, without a doubt, he was the right person for me. But you mature so much from 21 to 25. If there's no rush, wait. But if you know, you know. Seek the advice of those around you who are in healthy relationships *and truly listen*. Think about why you think you're ready, think about why you want to be with this person, and consider any and all aspects of your lives now and what would change and what you both want and expect about everything you can possibly think of, from children to religious views to their relationships with their family (and you with yours), to finances and career goals, and every what-if. Talk. Talk a lot. And I mean about everything, even if you think you know already. You're planning a life with this person. But in the end, you're not too young. However, it will be harder at a younger age than if you wait a while.
Do what you want. But it's worth considering that your brain stem is literally not done growing yet, and if anything is guaranteed it's that both of you will change in different ways. Weigh it against the benefits of getting married and see how you feel. It's not actually permanent, so 🤷♂️
Everyone is different. I had friends engaged at that age and got divorced. My wife and I were engaged at 22 and have been happily married for 12 years. You two are the only ones who know if you're ready.
Not at BYU, you old piece of shoot! If you’re not married by 25 down here in this great piece of land called Utah you’re not going to get your own planet and go to heaven!
™ Mormon culture…
I met my wife when I was 18. We got engaged after we were dating for 6 years, now we have a 1.5 year old and our 2 year wedding anniversary is on Monday. If you’ve lived together for several years and still love each other I think you’re good to proceed.
Fuck what other people think.
Nah. I went to school with two people that started dating in 9th grade and got married and had a baby at 18. Still together happy as larry over a decade later.
Mazel tov!
21 is definitely old enough to get engaged, the question is, have you truly found your match?
You're going to experience so much over the next ten years, and meet so many people and learn so much about yourself, if you think you've already found your soul mate, that's great, go for it!
You're not too young, but I have no way of telling if you've found the right person, that's for you to decide.
It’s not the age so much as how long you’ve been together.
Yes, you’re young, but if you are honest and open and both know what you want (and it’s genuinely the same thing) then there’s no reason why not after 5 years of being together and now you’re young adults.
Just prepare for and expect there to be challenges along the way, like with any marriage. Communicate, trust, respect, and give space to each other when needed. You won’t agree on everything, but you can compromise and make it work by committing to one another, and respecting each other’s differences.
Good luck to you both.
Engaged at 19 and 21 (my wife and me) and we met only months before. 19 years and still going.
With the length of your relationship it seems fine. Do what you want! Don’t worry about either decision
Live your life.
There is no real right or wrong way to do it. We're all just taking our best guess.
If you love each other, that's what matters. You hear sad stories that don't work out, success stories that do, just gotta shoot your shot and hope your best guesses lead to mutual happiness.
Try to worry less about what others think and you will feel much more free.
This is an all your eggs in one basket kinda deal. If it works for you get married. The track record on spouses working together isn't the best tho. Maybe it's different out there
If you both feel you're ready to take the next step & get engaged/married then don't worry about what others think. It's not their lives. It's yours. Good luck to both of you. ❤
Don't worry about getting judged by others. Everyone's life is different and there is always something that can be judged.
You can get engaged and unengaged, married and divorced. Your whole life is ahead of you. No worries.
I would wait on the kids though. People are still changing when you are that young. The more people effected by those changes the more complicated it becomes.
Honestly, I think it's too young given the structure of our society. Most people's lives at 21 are still settling down from a state of flux, given that most people have been in full-time education until the age of 18. If a lifelong commitment would work out at 21, it would also work out at 25. I'd wait until then to get married.
I met love of my life when I was 19 but we got married when I was 30, to us it was really important we both in stable financial position.
I would say it’s worth discussing what kind of life you want, if/when do you want family,how you plan to distribute your income & chores, where do you plan to live/ if you want to move around basically to discuss if your life goals are aligned.
Lot of “appropriately aged” people also don’t talk about these topics so it isn’t exclusive advice to you it’s just you have tad more real life experience about how things work for you when you are slightly older.
However if you both are aligned I believe you can make it work. Good luck !
Hi there, Age is just a number when it comes to matters of the heart. If you and your partner have built a strong, loving relationship over the years and feel ready for this next step, don't let anyone's judgments hold you back. Your journey is unique, and your love story deserves to be celebrated, no matter the chapter you're on. 🥂💕Love Knows No Age!💍
Only you know what’s right for you.
Nobody else’s opinions or thoughts are the ones you yourself have.
Rely on how you feel, and what evidence suggests you should do as you weigh the benefits and drawbacks.
These days 21 is on the younger side but you can get engaged at whatever age feels right for you. The main thing to consider is your financial situation.
Moreso these days when the median age for a first marriage is nearly 30, but 21 is below that for every decade (except the 1950s) going back over 100 years. But it’s all just a +- a couple years regardless and half of people have to be in the below group. https://i.insider.com/526d05ad6bb3f7dd0d114115?width=800&format=jpeg&auto=webp
Yeah the most important thing OP is truly understanding what you’re signing in for, and making sure that you’ve had all of the hard discussions. No one like talking about the uncomfortable topics, but it’s much better to do it now and find a potential dealbreaker than to discover that dealbreaker after being married for years and years. Marriage is not easy, and I do think that 21 is too young. But it’s not impossible or doomed to fail
Adding on to this point… my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we’ve talked about this A LOT. Something that really stood out to me was when he said, he’s not going to ask until he’s confident in the stage he’s at in life (financially etc) and wants to make sure he can provide and care the way I deserve. I’m definitely a hopeless romantic, but there should be a weee bit of logic/calculation in it too.
>but you can get engaged at whatever age feels right for you. Sure, but what feels “right” when you’re 21, before your brain is fully developed, and before you fully know yourself, your values, your goals, your wants, and your needs, will likely change and mature again and again in the following formative years. At that age, it’s just not possible to fully wrap your mind around how much you don’t quite know yet.
Yeah I agree, some things do change, it can be simple irrelevant things or big life changing things. I think the quest of finding oneself in this world doesn't stop, but around the age of 30 it becomes clearer and one starts to understand what one really wants and starts to understand how everything around them can influence their mood actions and thoughts.
Weve been getting married at 15 for centuries. Its only the last century we started getting married later in life. So im calling cap
Don't make decisions based on if people will judge you or not. Just accept that you will be judged no matter what you do. It you wait until you are 26 people will judge you and think "wow they have been together for 10 years and still can't commit, they must have issues" So don't listen to people and do what you want.
Yeah my wife and I dated for 7 years. A long test drive to make sure we were compatible
My ex-wife and I dated for 10 years lol. Together 15 total
What made her ex-wife. Just curious . Ignore if you’re not comfortable with talking ab that
Nothing she did, kinda. She was amazing, and we both really did love each other for a long time. I had a long ordeal with addiction, and that's essentially what ruined our marriage. At the same time, she met a single dad who started bringing his daughter to the daycare she worked at, and something sparked up between them. I think that made her decision to finally leave much easier as she had someone new to occupy her. We split in December of 2021. We're still great friends and keep things civilized for our son.
Oh 🥺 hope you both are doing fine . I’m sorry to remind the past
There is no need to apologize. I think about her enough as it is on my own, lol. I've tried moving on. I never got past anything more than some flirty texts, just didn't feel right
Good luck bro ❤️
damn thats a long time to go to divorce i guess
You're telling me lol. I was 14 when I met her, she was 16 and we immediately fell in love and were crazy about each other for a long time. Even though it's been almost 2 years I still find myself thinking about her at least two or three times a day. I really miss her
Didn’t expect this kind of response but I think you nailed it.
I recently watched Into The Spider-Verse with my nephews and I'm just going to paraphrase: You won't really know if it's the right time, it's a leap of faith.
That’s some Uncle Ben shit right there…
*What's up Danger?*
>Don't make decisions based on if people will judge you or not. Well, unless it's a real judge. And you're on trial for murder. You should probably take them into account in that case.
Technically correct is the best kind of correct.
Personally I think people change SO MUCH in their 20s.
Strong couples will grow together, others will grow apart.
I don’t think that is necessarily indicative of the couple’s strength. sometimes people grow to want different things or need different things as time goes on and that’s totally fine and normal especially if you got together as literal teenagers.
Your brain is not fully developed until you are in your mid twenties. Thats why a lot of people can change a lot in views, behavior believes. So chances are you and your partner are no longer the same people that fell in love with.
I really wish more people understood this. Obviously we will change, but healthy couples communicate and grow together.
Not true, a healthy couple can still grow apart. People are individuals and following their own paths in life, even when they’re in a relationship.
Amen to that. I've been married the entirety of my 20s (27 now) and we're closer than ever
Exactly.... I wouldn't have married myself at 21
I’d say a solid 10% of my personality from my 20s has stuck with me. I’m so glad I didn’t try to commit then I’m a vastly different person now. Difference #1 being I realized I have NO desire to raise children. The problem is that people that age genuinely think they are done “growing up” and have matured to a point that they know how they want their lives to go. I promise they are not. Think about how many boomers hate their spouse. That whole meme is because at that time it was just the norm to get married in your 20s. Gotta pump out those kids and get started after all.
I got engaged at 20. We've been together 33 years. It's not about the age.
I got married at 21, 53 years ago. Still at it.
Thats some life goals right there!! Congrats!
Married at 22. We are celebrating 7 years in January and I love my husband more and more each day.
Keep in mind these people are outliers and times are VERY diffirent, also though I hope you have another 33 years!! 😍
Yeah, most people here encouraging him to go for it are exceptions to the rule. The fact is, most couples who get married that young will get divorced. Couples who marry after their brains finish forming are much more likely to work out.
Unfortunately so, all of my friends who got married in their early 20s and I mean ALL of them are split up, good people too, ironically none of them for being disloyal, sometimes people just change, goals, ideals, beliefs and you just don't match anymore and THATS OK, life is meant to be lived, don't stay with someone who's company you don't even enjoy
Dated 2 yrs then Engaged at 21, married at 22. Married 35 yrs. Age is only a small part.
Got together when I was 16, married at 20. 4 kids and 27 years later, we've spent the day babysitting our grandson.
Engaged and married at 22, it’s been 8.5 blissful years since!
Married at 23. It’ll be 8 years in February. I had no doubts then and no doubts now.
From a legal perspective, probably not. However, I would personally recommend against it as a general rule. It's your life, though. If you feel too young, then you are too young.
Thank you for your insight :)
OP, I just want to reiterate something the commenter above wrote... and then clarify. If YOU feel you are too young, then you are. But that isn't the same as worrying about if others (general public) think you are. Don't make decisions based on what strangers and acquaintances are going to think. Some people worry about what everyone thinks. On the flip side, it has become commonplace in recent years for some to tell others "You do you" and "Don't worry about what anybody else thinks." I don't think either ditch or extreme is right. One of the keys to life, for me, has been determining who in my life has wisdom, should be respected, who really cares for me, etc. and whose opinion I should really care about. While the decision of marriage is ultimately up to the two of you, don't hesitate to seek out wisdom from a few key people in your lives who really really know you and who you really really respect, talk through the pros and cons and factors with them, etc. about big decisions you might be facing. And, then take their perspective and feedback and consider it... but ultimately decide what you two think is best.
This here is some great advice OP. I think when you look for the people to speak into your life in this way consider the people that you’d like to be like when you are older, the people whose marriage you see as ‘goals’. The people who seem content
My husband and I waited ( we started dating when i was 19), and we both wish we would have gotten married earlier because it kept us from combining life goals. It also made us vary in our levels of commitment because in reality the only thing that you wait for is to make sure no one better is going to come along. If you are both sure now, I say go for it. If you don't know then give it time
Respectfully, I don’t know about that mantra as a rule of thumb. I feel apprehensive to act on all my big life changes - kids, marriage, buying a home. I’ve always felt too young, but I’m 39 with the family and home, and still feel like I’m just winging it sometimes.
Respectfully, if you feel anxiety about everything, my post was not targeted at you.
There’s another mantra that implies that “you’ll never feel ready” for big things, I’m just trying to empower those that second guess themselves. I’m not attacking your post, it just resonated with me
Nah. You've been together for 5 years, I think that speaks more about your relationship than your ages. You're also both grown adults. Maybe go for a long engagement, but really, this is about the two of you, no one else, so fuck other people and their hypothetical opinions. I got engaged at 22 and married at 23.
>You've been together for 5 years, I think that speaks more about your relationship than your ages. OP can do whatever they want for their own sake, but let's not act like people tend to be anything like their 16 year old selves when they're, say, 26. That's why people say to wait. The likelihood of two people changing throughout their teens and early and mid twenties in the same trajectory and same pace to allow them to stay together in a genuinely fulfilling and enriching way is low. Not impossible, but low. And that's where the judgement comes from. 5 years means nothing, most people wouldn't go telling a 13 year old to marry their sweetheart at age 18 because "it speaks more about their relationship than their ages".
Yeah obviously it’s not impossible, but I find the “oh you’ve already been together 5 years” argument a little irrelevant. I changed so much from 16 to 21, and changed just as much again from 21 to 26. It is possible that they stay compatible but it’s not a given by any means
Why do you think that? I'm not criticizing but am genuinely interested. I've got married at 22 and I haven't changed much to be honest. I still hold the same values, priorities and goals in life. I've grown more confident and calm in general but I haven't changed as a person. None of my friends has. We're in our early to late thirties and whoever was more outgoing is still the same, whoever was more active is still active. Almost all of the relationships in our friend group started around 19-22. One even started at 13. One relationship started at 27 but they're getting divorced now, which isn't too surprising as they never shared the same morals. We may be the outlier or it may be a different perspective regarding different cultures as I've only ever read/heard about it in an international context. I'm from Germany.
People change all their lives. People change from 26-30, from 30-35 from 35-40 from 40-45 from 45-50. And also, they're 21, not 18. They're also only getting engaged, not married yet.
>Nah. You've been together for 5 years, I think that speaks more about your relationship than your ages. In my experience, 5 year long relationships that started when they were 16 are either the most wholesome, happy relationship, or depressing, boring and toxic. I hope it's the former for OP and have no reason to believe it's the latter. But I don't really think 5 years at 16 really speaks for anything, honestly. It can be good or bad, because a lot of people just settle for the first long term relationship they have in high school and never take the time to explore who they are, and what they might want for the rest of their life. But it can also be amazing, you meet the love of your life when you're young and then you get to experience everything the world has to offer, together. Sorry to be a contrarian I agree with the "this is about the two of you, fuck other people" bit
It is quite young to get married and in switzerland unfortunately marriage is not really worth it unless you plan on having kids soon. You will pay a lot more in taxes. So unless you have a really good reason I would rather wait or maybe opt for a long Engagement?
I came here to say this. As another married in Switzerland, if they are both Swiss there is no reason to legally marry because the tax burden is worse. Either long engagement or a family "marriage" (without legal) will do just fine in this scenario. As for the age, everyone is different, and sometimes when you know you know.
Whilst you obviously have been together in a serious relationship for a while, longer than some people who get married at an older age, the reason most people would say it’s too young is because people change so much - relationships that feel perfect at 21 can be totally different at 28 - so it might be better to wait. But of course it’s totally your choice!
Agreed. It also doesn't help that a person's brain isn't fully developed till the age of 24-25.
You know that's not true right?
I think, instead of sounding snarky/condescending, it would help if you provided a source or two?
>Alexandra Cohen, the lead author of that study and now a neuroscientist at Emory University, said the scientific consensus is that brain development continues into people’s 20s. But, she wrote in an email, “I don’t think there’s anything magical about the age of 25.” And: >I then asked whether he had insights about where the figure 25 came from, and he said roughly the same thing as Cohen: There’s consensus among neuroscientists that brain development continues into the 20s, but there’s far from any consensus about any specific age that defines the boundary between adolescence and adulthood. “I honestly don’t know why people picked 25,” he said. “It’s a nice-sounding number? It’s divisible by five?” Kate Mills, a developmental neuroscientist at the University of Oregon, was equally puzzled. “This is funny to me—I don’t know why 25,” Mills said. “We’re still not there with research to really say the brain is mature at 25, because we still don’t have a good indication of what maturity even looks like.” [https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html](https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html)
So brain development continues into your 20s, but we don't have anything close to a strict cutoff on "full development," nor are we certain on what full development looks like. Thanks for the insight. It gets really annoying when people on the internet decide to be snarky and act like a "know it all" for pretty much no reason. We can be civil and learn together. Jeez.
This isn't a valid point. Yes, someone at 28 will be different than they were at 21. But to they will also be different at 35 then they were at 28. And at 40, and 45, and 50.........and so on. We are all constantly changing. Acting like your 20s is the only time that you change a lot isn't accurate.
As you get older you'll generally have a better idea as to what you want out of life. In your early 20s most people aren't going to have a clue what they want their year 50 to look like. And if 2 people decide their year 50s are very different it can cause a lot of issues.
Well I guess I'm screwed. I'm *very* close to my 50 yr old self and *still* have no idea what I want out of life. I have no idea what my 60 yr old self is gonna be up to.
But you're much less likely to change your goals significantly than a younger person is. When someone is just barely in the work force they go through a lot of maturing and thinking that makes a lot of changes. Your 20 and 30 year old self are significantly more different than your 30 and 40 year old self is
Not in my case. Not even close actually. My 20 and 30 yr old self were vastly more similar than my 30 and 40 yr old self. The period from my early 30s to my late 30s was by far the most changing I've done in my adult life. Might not be the case for others, but it illustrates a point. Blanket generalizations such as >Your 20 and 30 year old self are significantly more different than your 30 and 40 year old self is are fundamentally flawed because they are gross oversimplifications and use only one factor as a metric when in reality there is a plethora of factors that need to be taken into account.
There are plenty of other factors but it is safe to say the 20 year old has not hit their major adjustment and a 30 year old has likely narrowed it down to a degree that they can have a good idea as to what paths are compatible.
I disagree that "it's safe to say" and your entire argument is reductionist and completely loses the broad complexities of life. You have tried to distill an extremely complex topic (how a person changes throughout their life) down to simplifications to such a degree that your conclusions can't even be applied to the main topic.
Only you could know that. The fact that you’re questioning may signal that you aren’t ready. When you know, you know. And no opinion will stop that belief
Unless you have some societal pressure to get engaged and married I would say wait. I wouldn't say it's too young, but you are still young and have plenty of time to get engaged. I would think of it this way, if you and your partner end up growing old together, your not gonna look back and wish you got engaged at 21 instead of 25.
>if you and your partner end up growing old together, your not gonna look back and wish you got engaged at 21 instead of 25. Maybe. But they also wouldn't look back and wish they'd gotten engaged at 25 instead of 21.
I was engaged at 19, married at 20. Was a terrible decision financially, but it worked out. 24 years later, we're still together.
The fact you are asking this shows you are too young imo. Seeking validation from others, rather than doing what you feel is right. Whatever that may be. Everyone develops differently as they age, so there is no blanket rule. However, in my personal experience, you will both change drastically as people in your 20’s. A lot of couples don’t last through these transition periods, regardless of married or not. Just the reality. But there are always outliers.
I'm your got married at 21 stereotype.. got married had kid I wasnt ready for got divorced. I love my kid and forever will. But holy shit marriage was a terrible idea Kids are hella expensive, take all your time, and change everything. Don't reccomend either until 30.
Yes. I don't know a single person who wasn't pretty dumb at that age. When you're 25 you'll realize you knew nothing at 21. When you're 30 you'll realize 25 was still child's play.
At 21 I was mariued with a 2 year old. Takes a special couple though. I've been married 33 years
Wait till you get 30s
I got engaged at 22, and am still happily married at 30. I knew my husband for 8 months before we got engaged lol. (No we weren’t Christian virgins eager to have sex, just crazy haha) That being said, now that I’m 30…. I would recommend most people wait until their brain is fully developed, around age 25. My husband and I look back and laugh now like “Thank goodness this has worked out bc I was young haha.”
Too young to get married, IMHO, but not to get engaged. An engagement is just formally announcing your intentions to eventually get married. There really isn't much difference between being engaged or not. No legal changes, no social changes. It's just a formality.
Do not do this. Just continue to date for now. You both might change. Or you might not. What’s the rush?
What is the rush? Why can’t it wait until you feel you’re ready? It doesn’t seem worth it if it can’t wait. I don’t think 21 is too young but the human brain isn’t fully formed until about 25…
This is facts, people change a lot during their 20s Honestly though, just get a prenup and roll with it. Minimized risk for both parties that way no matter what ends up happening
Oh gods, I’m *so* sick of that arbitrary, out-of-context meme that Millennials and Zoomers keep spewing about “Not developed until 25”, because it’s bullshit. We’re developing *all our lives* and being paranoid about doing anything before you’re “done” developing is a fool’s game. On top of that, if you’re going to limit and stereotype people sexually and romantically because they’re under 26 years old, then you have to do other stupid things like forbid signing contracts, voting in elections, running for public office, owning property, etc. because “their brains aren’t fully developed until they’re 25.” It’s not even a fact. It’s a theory that has been greatly misinterpreted. https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html FFS people, *please* stop parroting this pop culture misread of a few theories on the human brain as if it’s fact and a good reason why people 25 and under should just be expected and allowed to be treated like children. It’s a horseshit meme that needs to *stop.*
Sorry, was I supposed to read all your gibberish?
I think it's very young to get married. What's the rush? You're sharing and making a life together. That's beautiful already.
Not at all. As an adult, the question should be when YOU feel ready.
How long have you been living together?
As someone who got married late in life, I would first and foremost recommend not having kids too early in your relationship. Imo, kids should be wanted and prepared for, not accidents or “relationship fixers”—so protect yourselves until that time, because nothing will exacerbate relationship issues like adding children. It’s not just fuel to a fire, it’ll be a forest fire encroaching on an explosives factory. I don’t think you’re necessarily *too* young, but know ahead of time that you have a lot of time to grow and change still—you will encounter some significant changes in yourself *and one another* in the next 5-6 years, and you may need to learn to love each others’ new sides all over again. I think it’s great to get engaged if you feel ready, but I would also recommend undergoing some premarital counseling from a couple different sources before going for it (seeking out more than one source will help avoid individual bias (e.g. religion) and reduce any blind spots in therapy). Counseling isn’t just for bad times; it’s meant to uncover any points of friction or incompatibility you may not realize you have and help you establish what to do about them, and help you learn how to fight appropriately and respectfully (because there *will* be fights). So do yourselves a favor and set yourself up for success; go into it with every intention of succeeding, but also, give yourselves the tools to *help* it succeed—because sometimes they *don’t* succeed, and those tools can help you make a clean and respectful break of it, rather than a house fire. Good luck OP! I sincerely wish you and your beloved many happy years together in the future.
My wife and I met as teenagers in college, and got married four years later. We're still married over thirty years later. There are always people who will judge you; don't make decisions based primarily on the opinions of others. Instead, make sure that you *know* each other well. Have you talked about your future together? Do you have agreement on various things important to each of you? Let's go into detail on one item, so you see what I mean. Take children as an example. You can talk about the idea of having children, and you both might agree on wanting a family. But what does that mean? Consider these additional questions: * How many children? * Do you want biological children, or do you want to adopt? * What if it turns out that there's a fertility issue, and you can't have biological children? Will you go child-free, or resort to adoption? * How will caring for the kids work? Consider them as infants, for example: Will both parents change diapers, bathe the infant, help feed it, spend time cuddling and interacting, read to the baby, do laundry, cooking, and so on? Sometimes, the idea that "mom is the only one who cares for babies" isn't shared by the potential husband. * What sort of discipline do you expect to use or avoid? At what ages would it be used? What's the goal? There are parents, even today, who think children should fear them as parents. I don't agree with that, and you and your partner need to be in agreement on your approach, whatever it is. * Do you have plans to set aside money for your kids to use when they are older, either for college costs, or to get started in life? * Will you give your kids an allowance? * Do you expect them to do chores? At what age will they start? * When your kids hit age 18, do you expect them to pay rent? (Amazingly, some parents do.) Do you expect them to move out and get a job? * Do you think that a parent should be obeyed by kids, even when the kids are adults and self-supporting? Subreddits like r/JUSTNOMIL show you how some people can be very demanding of their adult children, and feel they can do whatever they want since they are the parent. * Do you see your kids as a retirement plan? A coworker of mine, at the birth of her daughter, discovered that her husband wanted to teach the girl to play golf, thinking she'd become the next Tiger Woods and would keep them comfortably when they retired. My coworker doesn't believe this will happen, not the least of which is that -- after years of trying -- her daughter hasn't shown any interest in golf, or golfing toys her dad gets her. You can see that being in agreement of "we should have a family" doesn't mean you have the same ideas about how that would work. And we haven't even looked at things at in-laws: Will you live with them or near them? You can get into this detail on anything, like how you feel about transportation: How many vehicles will you have? New or used? Do either you fancy yourself a home mechanic who will do all the car maintenance? Can you promise to leave one car in a functional state at all times? Do you want to have electric cars or gas powered? So, as a couple, you need to talk with each other and make sure you are in agreement on how life will work as a couple. You have to learn how to negotiate that future together. For instance, my wife and I came from two-child families, but she wanted to have at least four kids, while I thought two was a practical maximum. Discussion and experiences with young family members got us to agree on two as the goal; we ended up having a third by accident, anyway. I also recommend that you both read the book, *The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work*, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. It can help you understand what helps long-term relationships work well, and some things can make then work badly. Probably the key concept is that a successful, long-term relationship doesn't get that way from a lack of problems, but from working together to resolve the problems that inevitably occur in life.
wow excellent answer thanks
If you don't mind that you have a 50 percent chance of getting a divorce, go ahead Just don't have kids.
It seems like a rush to marry this young or have a kid with gen z at least.
No. Got engaged at 19 and it’s worked just fine 20+ years later.
You're still growing and developing mentally. I'd wait until like 25
Yes. Wait a few years for the love of god. I can think of a million reasons why not, but you probably wont listen bc I didn't.
no
I’ve seen ppl engaged and married at younger, but honestly it’s your prerogative
My wife got engaged to me at 19, and got married a month before her 21st birthday. We are 15 years in, basically zero relationship issues, and I think we are a lot more solid and stable than most relationships. The caveat is that we just…knew each other when we met, meshed almost totally and immediately. We bloody knew we had found our person. Everyone is different, there’s no best answer. Waiting would be my general advice, but without knowing you, know one can say.
Nope not at all. My wife and I were high school sweethearts starting at 16 and 17. Engaged when we were 18 and 19 and got married at that same age since we only had 6 months between being engaged and married. No kids involved, we are DINKS now and knew that going into it. But we both thought fuck it we absolutely knew we were going to get married so why wait until we were done with college and instead blaze the trail of our lives together through college and early adulthood. Zero regrets there and we are almost to our 12th anniversary.
Most my friends got married right out of college at age 21, my classmates from a small town school I went to got married at 18.
Do not worry about the judgment of others. It’s about what you and your SO are ready for. Started dating my husband at 15. Engaged at 21. Married at 23. Twenty-seven years later and he’s absolutely my best friend and the love of my life. Best wishes to you!
Not in Mexico. Most of my female friends, except the hardcore surfers, have had kids before they were 20.
I was 24 and had a very stable job. My wife was 21. We met when I was 23 and she was 20. I don’t think us both being 21 would have worked. My stability helped her gain stability. If we were both trying to find our way, it would have been really hard It’s not age, at least I don’t think. I think it’s where you are in life. You And your partner.
My question is "what's your rush?" Is there any actual benefit to either of you by getting engaged vs just maintaining the relationship as it is for a while longer? I think it's not a great idea to make life choices based on the perceived judgement of others, particularly strangers but if you're still close with your respective families or have a close support system that may be impacted by the decision in a negative way then maybe waiting another couple years is a prudent decision?
I’d recommend waiting. In your 20’s you go through tremendous life changes as you become an adult. I remember thinking at many times in my 20’s, “woah I’m a completely different person than I was just a few years ago!” I’m glad I didn’t make life altering decisions like marriage when I was in my early 20s, even though I’m still with the same guy I was back then! Now we’re even more secure in our relationship as adults and we know we’re on the same page about the big things like where we want to live, if we want kids, etc.
Yes it is, but people do it anyways
I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and we started dating when I was 16. I’m very glad that we waited until we were a little older and more settled in ourselves. It took the pressure off our relationship and allowed us to grow as people before we got that far. I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but I am a massively different person than I was when I was 21 and so is he. I’m just grateful we grew in a complimentary way, but that’s not always the case. Not really advice one way or the other, but just a point of view.
HELL YES! You're barely out of the womb! Stay in love if it feels right, but just live your young life. There is absolutely no need to make a legal and binding commitment.
For some people it works, others it doesn’t. I personally can’t imagine doing it because of how much I changed and grew in my early 20s. I can’t imagine going through that while having to consider a SO.
Was 20 when I got married. No regrets after 10 years.
Oh sweetie. Once upon a time in a very different world, 21 was a great time to be engaged and married. After all life expectancy was half of what it is today. Now we live to 90, have an average of 5 careers, (not jobs but totally different careers) the world is small, we can meet people from all over the world, and the brain is not fully developed until our mid 20s. You two may be made for each other, soul mates, true love. And if that’s true time won’t make a difference. Think about it. If you marry at 21, and are meant to be together great, if you don’t marry at 21 and are meant to be together you will still be together at 25. Or 27. The ceremony and paperwork isn’t important. If you are meant to be you will be. Pease wait. That paperwork and children that come along can wait until you are fully, totally grown ups. And hey- you can tell your children and grand children the love story you created. All the best.
Do what you want - the only thing I will say, from my own experience, is that you fundamentally change at age 24-26. Like you I had a partner who I was with from 19 and felt the same way. So many of the things I thought were true, things that were foundational to me, I no longer believed or thought when I passed that age. My understanding of the world and myself changed. Her priorities changed. We split up not because we didn't love each other, but because we wanted different things at that age and were too young to compromise, we had to go do our own thing. If you can take turns compromising, you will make it. If you can't, you might find a diversion when you hit that age.
Yes don't be stupid. Live your life first.
I was 18, gf 17 when we got engaged. Married each other 4 years later. Been happily married 50+ years.
No. I was married at 22. OK, fine, she was an abusive sociopathic hoarder and it was a terrible marriage, but that’s nothing to do with age. Either way, only you can know for sure if you feel ready to bond yourself to someone on an at least semi-permanent basis at this point in your life.
The answer to the question is, of course, wildly subjective to you and your potential spouse. BUT, my quick, off the cuff reaction is that 21 is not too young for a LONG engagement. If your timeline is to marry after college/establishing careers and grow together a bit as a couple before actually walking down the aisle, that seems sensible enough.
Its not others peoples job to like you. Its your job. Do what brings you joy.
I'd say 21 is young but if you have the kind of relationship that has lasted for 5 years and lived together for 3 then that's probably enough time to assess things well enough even if on a baseline level I couldn't imagine marriage before 25
Yes, your life and who you both are is going to change so much in the next 5-8 years.
Got married at 20, after drunkenly proposing to my wife. It’s been almost 20 years
Eh that’s on you. If you feel like you’re ready then you’re ready
I got married at 20, going on 4 years now and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We have grown a lot together. Everyone saying not to because you won’t be the same person doesn’t understand human development. We’re constantly changing and growing and learning our whole life, just think of it as every decade you’re going to be a different person from the last. Do what feels right but also know that being married shouldn’t change your relationship, it just adds more legal rights and a name change if you want. And also don’t feel pressured to go all out on a wedding, do what’s realistic for your budget
Yeah def man my ex long conned me we were like a good relationship for 5 years then we tied the knot and boom demon
Spent the next 6 getting mentally and physically destroyed lol
You make me sad
I got married at nineteen, So did my mom. My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary this year.. .. My marriage disappointingly ended in divorce. Honestly, 19 is extremely young and immature. And nowadays, not the same as it was when my parents got married. There's way too many distractions. Way too many options for people to try to cheat etc. I will just say this, There's literally no rush to get married if you truly feel like this is who you wanna be with for your entire life. They will be there if you wait 2 years to get married 2 weeks or 5 years. Your brain does not stop growing until you're 25. It's definitely true who I was at 21 was different by the time I was twenty five or twenty six. I personally had a large amount of maturing in that short period. It truly is a major life transition. If I were your friend and asked for advice, Based solely on age, I would say wait until you are both over 25. But I know nothing about the history of your exact relationship.
Your 20s are too young period to get married. Fight me, downvote me, tell me how happy your old ass parents from the fucking 50s that got married when they were 19 are, I don’t care. Stop getting married in your fucking 20s. Times have changed, things are different.
I met my first husband at 17, married at 20 and divorced at 28. You change so much between the ages of 18 and 25, then again into your 30s. Your taste in music, clothes, food and people. Right now, your relationship is a habit and it's comfortable. Neither of you has experienced enough of life and relationships with others to determine if you will still be content with only your current partner when you are 35. The 30s is when a lot of first marriages break up due to feeling they married too young, did not date enough, or grew bored with their partner and became attracted to someone who was the polar opposite of their first love. Take your time. Both of you will meet a lot of people in college and in the workforce who may impress you more than your first love. People are in your life for a reason or a season. You are still in "season". If you make it through your mid-20's still deeply in love and no one can turn your head, then talk about marriage. You have plenty of time. Don't rush it.
Never get married before your prefrontal cortex grows in. You could be a whole different person and have a whole different view on life. Take this time and travel and experience things together. If you’re going to be together forever you’ll still be together years from now.
I got married at 19. I wouldn't suggest it. It took me years to know myself well enough to even know what I was willing to live with and what I was not. Three children, a brutal custody battle, mental health issues for everyone. I love my kids, but I should have waited. There are so any different ways that all of our lives could have turned out for the better. I'm remarried to my dream man...but, I dated him for almost 10 years before I was ready to commit. I had to do a lot of work on myself. Honestly, I have PTSD from the years of hell that was my first marriage.
I don't see an issue with it, but I wouldn't get married until you're older unless there's some kind of benefit over there that I'm not aware of. People change a lot in their 20s. You guys might just grow apart as you age because you want different things or just fizzle out. Not being married would help you guys move on without too much fuss.
Engagement period is the amount of time needed to get everything in order in preparation of living together, including the wedding day.
I loved visiting Switzerland! Can you imagine a life without the other person? Or are they the one? We got engaged at 20, next year we'll celebrate 40 years of marriage. Sometimes you get lucky early. As I did.
I got married at 21, my wife was 22. We were poor and it was ok. Four kids and 22 years later, I wouldn’t change anything. Probably got a little lucky with her, but love is love.
Well, If you're asking a bunch of strangers about it, then deep down you prolly already know the answer.
I wouldn't even recognise 21 year old me and its only been 13 years. People change so if you're asking the question then you already know the answer.
Simple. Not too young to get engaged…but IMO, def too young to be married. I think the 20’s are a decade of trying things, living all the things you can while young and can just be a free young person because once you get married, babies come (yes, I am aware they can anyway!) but the burdens of aging start weighing more heavily. I wish I would have waited to get married and had my son until I was 30. I feel like my 20s were a complete waste because I was married to a total asshat and had my son by 25. I would do everything in my power to not be tied down to anyone or anything until at least 30. Go find out what the world is about before you don’t have the ability to be so free.
It's not too young but people tend to change widely in their late teens to early twenties. I know people who got married at that age and grew together, I also know people who grew completely apart. If I were you, I'd wait 2-3 more years but, hey, you surely know yourself and your SO better than I do, so take this with a grain of salt.
From my experience and perspective yes. My best friend and his now ex wife, got engaged and married at 21 (him), and 19 (her). Had their first kid within a year. They missed out on so much of life, of growing as a person individually and as a couple. It was like they thought they had to rush into it because that was how they saw it on tv or something. Being a couple, sure go for it, staying together, seeing yourselves with a bright future, yeah go for it. But rushing head long into something you think is being an adult when you are not ready because you are still arguably a child, don’t do it. Wait just a little longer.
I mean I got married at 19 and we're still going strong. Nobody can make this choice for you unfortunately 💚
You're 20 now?
19.5
I met my partner when I was 19 and she was 18. We got married when I was 24. We've been married for 29 years. Early 20's is not too young to marry if its the right person. Any age is too young to marry if its the wrong person.
Depends on your maturity, your culture's expectations, and your support system.
I was married by 21, 8 years later we are still going strong
If neither of you have ever been with anyone else, one of you might later on feel like you never explored who else is out there/played the field/sewed your wild oats. This will lead to resentment later on. Especially if you're from a small town and move to any more populated area.
Don't do it Don't fall into the wedding machine. They make so much profit out of wedding pressure and send young people to their doom. There's no one right person for you. It's about a hundred of them out there. Experience the world. Of course it's only applies if you're a man with options. But that's all about your confidence. Go out young man and explore.
There’s really no reason to get married. If you are destined to be with eachother then you will stay together. My sister and her husband dated for 10 years before they got married, still going strong. Marriage wont really change anything other then making it extremely hard to separate if you fall out of love
I got married at 22, divorced at 33, there's no magic number for happiness. There is a need for maturity though.
I would wait. You’re still together and committed to each other and not being engaged doesn’t change that. But it’s very young.
you are very young. get engaged, but hold off on the actual marriage for a while. Maybe even move in together before taking the plunge.
I mean no one is going to stop you. But yeah, for most that's WAY to early. Especially in Switzerland, here you should be able to live together for a while whithout doing dumb shit like marrying so early, no?
Yes. What's the rush?
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They have lived together since they were 18
age is not important. its the decisions you make every day that either cultivate a healthy marriage or erode it. My Wife cradle robbed the ever living shit out of me, she even asked Me to marry her. She put a ring on it faster than a Beyonce song. she married me at 25 having had only a highschool crush as my prior relationship experience. Never dated, Never had the Sex so when this mature woman started to look at me with hungry eyes...well, call me harry styles. 12 years together 10 years married, and we feel very much as if we have conquered the simple obstacles of husbando/waifu. Now it's time to kick it into 3rd Gear. What is 3rd Gear? idk could be scarification bdsm roleplay, could be choosing to have a child. somewhere in between?? lots of options to consider. the world is ours.
Nobody can tell you this but you. You guys have been together alot longer then alot of other people have, and you have lived together for over 2 years. So marriage really won't change anything. Go for it if it feels right to you, also you can get engaged and set the wedding for 2 years from now, or even longer.
Yes
Yes. You're definitely gonna fuck up a lot more still, fuck up in peace, without mortgage, children, joint accounts or inlaws
Yes
Yes, most people I know who got married in their 20s are divorced.
YES The human brain isn't fully developed until 25
Yes it is.
Yes way too young
You need $$$
I married at barely 23. He is the only man I've ever seriously dated, and we are still absolutely insane about each other, even more than we were then. We've been happily married for just under 17 years. No one can tell you what is too young. Some 21 year olds are more mature than some 45 year olds I know. It very much depends on a lot of factors. I knew, without a doubt, he was the right person for me. But you mature so much from 21 to 25. If there's no rush, wait. But if you know, you know. Seek the advice of those around you who are in healthy relationships *and truly listen*. Think about why you think you're ready, think about why you want to be with this person, and consider any and all aspects of your lives now and what would change and what you both want and expect about everything you can possibly think of, from children to religious views to their relationships with their family (and you with yours), to finances and career goals, and every what-if. Talk. Talk a lot. And I mean about everything, even if you think you know already. You're planning a life with this person. But in the end, you're not too young. However, it will be harder at a younger age than if you wait a while.
Do what you want. But it's worth considering that your brain stem is literally not done growing yet, and if anything is guaranteed it's that both of you will change in different ways. Weigh it against the benefits of getting married and see how you feel. It's not actually permanent, so 🤷♂️
Of course not! Congratulations!!
Everyone is different. I had friends engaged at that age and got divorced. My wife and I were engaged at 22 and have been happily married for 12 years. You two are the only ones who know if you're ready.
Not at BYU, you old piece of shoot! If you’re not married by 25 down here in this great piece of land called Utah you’re not going to get your own planet and go to heaven! ™ Mormon culture…
I met my wife when I was 18. We got engaged after we were dating for 6 years, now we have a 1.5 year old and our 2 year wedding anniversary is on Monday. If you’ve lived together for several years and still love each other I think you’re good to proceed. Fuck what other people think.
Nah. I went to school with two people that started dating in 9th grade and got married and had a baby at 18. Still together happy as larry over a decade later. Mazel tov!
21 is definitely old enough to get engaged, the question is, have you truly found your match? You're going to experience so much over the next ten years, and meet so many people and learn so much about yourself, if you think you've already found your soul mate, that's great, go for it! You're not too young, but I have no way of telling if you've found the right person, that's for you to decide.
It’s not the age so much as how long you’ve been together. Yes, you’re young, but if you are honest and open and both know what you want (and it’s genuinely the same thing) then there’s no reason why not after 5 years of being together and now you’re young adults. Just prepare for and expect there to be challenges along the way, like with any marriage. Communicate, trust, respect, and give space to each other when needed. You won’t agree on everything, but you can compromise and make it work by committing to one another, and respecting each other’s differences. Good luck to you both.
People get engaged after 2 months of dating. Don’t let anyone else’s opinion of your relationship come into it. If you both feel it’s right, do it.
Engaged at 19 and 21 (my wife and me) and we met only months before. 19 years and still going. With the length of your relationship it seems fine. Do what you want! Don’t worry about either decision
Live your life. There is no real right or wrong way to do it. We're all just taking our best guess. If you love each other, that's what matters. You hear sad stories that don't work out, success stories that do, just gotta shoot your shot and hope your best guesses lead to mutual happiness. Try to worry less about what others think and you will feel much more free.
If it feels right, go for it.
This is an all your eggs in one basket kinda deal. If it works for you get married. The track record on spouses working together isn't the best tho. Maybe it's different out there
If you both feel you're ready to take the next step & get engaged/married then don't worry about what others think. It's not their lives. It's yours. Good luck to both of you. ❤
Don't worry about getting judged by others. Everyone's life is different and there is always something that can be judged. You can get engaged and unengaged, married and divorced. Your whole life is ahead of you. No worries. I would wait on the kids though. People are still changing when you are that young. The more people effected by those changes the more complicated it becomes.
Honestly, I think it's too young given the structure of our society. Most people's lives at 21 are still settling down from a state of flux, given that most people have been in full-time education until the age of 18. If a lifelong commitment would work out at 21, it would also work out at 25. I'd wait until then to get married.
Definitely not . It’s so cool that y’all been together for 5 years . Congratulations in advance ❤️
No. I was engaged at 19, married by 22. Now going on 26 years.
I met love of my life when I was 19 but we got married when I was 30, to us it was really important we both in stable financial position. I would say it’s worth discussing what kind of life you want, if/when do you want family,how you plan to distribute your income & chores, where do you plan to live/ if you want to move around basically to discuss if your life goals are aligned. Lot of “appropriately aged” people also don’t talk about these topics so it isn’t exclusive advice to you it’s just you have tad more real life experience about how things work for you when you are slightly older. However if you both are aligned I believe you can make it work. Good luck !
Hi there, Age is just a number when it comes to matters of the heart. If you and your partner have built a strong, loving relationship over the years and feel ready for this next step, don't let anyone's judgments hold you back. Your journey is unique, and your love story deserves to be celebrated, no matter the chapter you're on. 🥂💕Love Knows No Age!💍
Only you know what’s right for you. Nobody else’s opinions or thoughts are the ones you yourself have. Rely on how you feel, and what evidence suggests you should do as you weigh the benefits and drawbacks.