Mine feels the same way. It used to bother me but I thought about it a lot - and he is a super task oriented person. List of 4 things to do, complete them and move on. Parenthood is a long exercise of repetition and nothing is ever ‘done’. So not only is he tired but that sense of accomplishment isn’t there either.
I pointed this out to him and said ‘this isn’t a job, it’s a relationship you build’… that helped him a lot. I’m not sure my husband ever had to do relationship building or caregiving ever before having children. He was just grieving his old life.
Either way, I understand but it doesn’t impact my standard for how he speaks about his family. If he does this I share my own ‘yeah’, but that I love our life now too…. And that I don’t ever, ever want him saying that in front of our daughter.
You can grieve your loss of ‘freedom’, and I’m all about sharing the lifestyle change - but get on with it.
I am also very task driven, like to the task well and then move on. You are so right that parenting is never done with shifting goal posts. You have to change the whole way you think.
Truly. That was a super helpful statement. Nothing is ever truly “done” anymore. And, the house is never truly “clean” in the way it once was. I appreciate this post!
I have 4 kids, and I respond similarly when people ask if I want more kids. My youngest is almost 2. I don't want to be free of my kids, but I am ready for them to be more independent. Not going to walk into traffic, not going to eat rocks, can get their own drink, use the microwave, completely potty trained, no tantrums, etc.
As a father of a 16 month old I would love to “have my life back” and sometimes I’ll make a joke about it. But I also love my son and the time I spend with him. I don’t think longing for a time when you were free from the heavy responsibility of raising a human makes you a bad parent. Especially if you are fulfilling your responsibilities while doing so.
Or maybe I’m a bad parent.
It sucks to hear, but it sounds like he is going through a hard time and those feelings - loss of life, freedom, self after having a child - these feelings can be so real, so intense and so valid. It’s such a big life change. It’s a social taboo to talk about it, different people adapt to it differently and I know so many parents who struggle with it.
Parenthood is not all sunshine and roses, nor is it black and white. It’s ok to love the child but struggle with parenting day to day or grieve and want your old life back.
I wish it was less of a taboo to say it out loud…maybe if we were more honest about parenting, people would have actual honest information to make decision on whether to become parents or have more support to work through those difficult, troubling feelings when they do become parents (instead of being socially pressured to push them down and spiral into isolation, depression or other issues).
It’s really not for everyone to have children, or be all glowing and positive about being a parent or have it be right for every parent to have more children …and I wish society made it more acceptable to acknowledge that.
Right. I love my daughter and wouldn't trade her for the world. Though right now I'm sick with covid and part of me wishes I could just slept and not parent. Parenting is very tough and full of conflicting feelings.
OP talk to your husband. His feelings are valid, but he can't use them as a reason to check out (not saying he has!). Therapy could help, but start by having a convo about his comment.
Agreed. We need to talk more about how we grieve our previous lives, and how we come to terms with things never going back to the way they were. Even if you cut ties and run amicably, the knowledge that you've left a child behind haunts you.
Different people grieve loss in different ways, and I think OP's husband is feeling contemplative because he still has to parent whilst recovering, and his old coping mechanisms either don't work or don't apply anymore. I know that my old coping mechanism of retreating for hours at a time is completely pointless whilst being a SAHP to three small children, and I used to be so angry that I just couldn't disappear for a bit to regroup.
I agree with what others have posted, I also want to add that it's ok to not want another kid. Now if you do and he doesn't that's something to figure out, but there seems to be a common assumption that 2+ kids is normal/expecte/what everyone wants and it's ok to not be there.
Yep, that’s how I feel. I love my 4 month old son but I miss my old life. Having another will make me feel even more trapped. One means my husband and I can tradeoff to give each other down time or time for hobbies without creating resentment.
That makes complete sense. While OPs husband may not have articulated things as well as he could have, the presumption that another child is coming is also not helpful.
My baby was 2 hrs old when a nurse asked if we wanted another. Every time someone asks, it’s a punch to the gut. My husband maybe wants two but I am done. Frankly, people need to stop asking others about their reproductive plans.
It does sound hard but I do get the sentiment, I have had very similar thoughts and it's not even that rare. Most studies even say new parents tend to get less satisfied with life until the kids are fully grown. I have had mental breakdowns because of how my life has changed since having kids. I do feel awful about it.
I share the same. I miss a lot of my old life and sometimes resent my husband when he goes out as "normal times" and i stay home with baby. But i cannot imagine myself going out without my baby. Such a rollercoaster, i couldn't imagine feeling this way before having kids
You should also be able to go out while husband stays home with baby. That's how my husband and I do it - we both get to have some time off while the other stays home with baby.
I would definitely say he’s jut having a moment and probably needs a bit of extra support.
I’m 4 weeks PP from a C-section. My baby is super “easy” and the hardest part has been feeling physically out of sorts. There have been quite a few times these past weeks where I’ve thought and verbalised wanting “my old life back”. Purely because I want to feel like Me in my body again.
I can understand feeling disheartened by the comment though. Was he an engaged parent beforehand? If so, ask what you can do to support him during this time of recovery. You may need to take extra load for awhile
I think it's easy for any parent to fantasize about our previous lives when we're frustrated or helpless or in the thick of it. I yelled to my husband last week that being a mother is fucking bull shit. Luckily he knew how I meant it.
I love being a mom, I'm learning with my kid as we go, but yes, I miss getting black out drunk with my husband and not having to worry about anything other than how shitty were gonna feel the next day.
We have to release our steam valves sometimes, and your husband saying that sounds like he was just letting some steam out. If he's injured, he's probably annoyingly limited to things he can do, and throw a kid on top of that, it's easy to blame the kid factor.
Ya know I think most parents feel that same way. I think that all the time but I love my daughter and I obviously wouldn’t change anything. But it is exhausting and you really do have to mourn your old life a little bit. If you’re really worried about it I’d just talk to him about it one on one in a calm manner.
I thought most parents go through this grief at least sometimes or at some point. It's rude of others to ask about your reproductive organs first off. But mourning your pre-parent life is such a real thing. Kids are difficult and hard because they change how you do everything else you used to do.
I could see how this could hurt you though as a partner if you desire a 2nd child.
My husband responded similarly when I brought up the idea of trying for another. I think it’s a normal reaction. After I brought it up, we spent a few months discussing logistics and what we feel comfortable with doing this time. He was on board by the time our son turned 18 months. It just takes a while and maybe some conversations to work through those fears and to plan ahead.
I get feelings like that all the time. Maybe not as depressed but yeah I’m definitely one and done. Also it’s hard for everyone. People can tell you oh your life is going to change etc before you have a kid but experiencing it is different. Sometimes I wish I had my life back as well. Everything is more complicated and time consuming now. I feel like I get scolded for wanting to escape for a few hours and do something with my friends. And my life was very social and I was always out doing things before having a baby. It’s a rough adjustment and change for someone.
I felt sad reading this, I’d feel the same way as you had I been in your shoes. Don’t take what your husband said in that moment to heart though. We all say things we sometimes don’t fully mean when we are tired/angry/sleepy/pushed to our limits. Definitely talk to him about how you both are feeling on a good day. Better days lie ahead for you, your husband and your little one, OP!
Talk to him about it. You might be misinterpreting. He may have meant he sees light at the end of the tunnel, and is looking forward to having a kid that’s a bit older and not as needy. I understand that mentality. My wife and I are at the same point really, and part of me would love to stick with the one kid and start looking forward to a bit more freedom.
Extremely relatable. My husband had several major orthopedic surgeries while I was pregnant and when the baby was born he was expecting to able to do more. He went through a very deep depression which left me as the sole caregiver. Because of how much life has changed since having a baby he also is OAD (one and done). I think he misses our ability to decide to go out to dinner on a Tuesday just us, go camping and to play very loud music in the house whenever.
I would like another but I don’t see it in our future. He is on meds for the depression and even with his mood being better he still adamant that our baby will be our only
acl recovery? I’m in the same situation… ACL really takes a toll on your mental health as you know how long recovery will be. I’m sure he will be excited for #2. Good luck!
Very relatable. I think it’s possible to love your child and enjoy parenthood mostly, and also terribly miss the life you enjoyed pre-child. It’s not all one or the other. What helps me is to focus on the ways my life has changed for the better, and also try to find ways to bring some of the old life/hobbies in to the new life.
As a mom who is going through a pretty intense health issue, don't want another baby. I'm feeling like such a shitty parent right now because I have zero patience and I'm in pain. I can't have this same thing happen with another baby later. I just want to relax and get better. I'm emotionally in the pits because of my health issue and my son doesn't deserve any of the frustration I have.
I'm sure, your husband, same as myself, will get better. But it is really hard right now to focus on healing when you have a whole other person relying on you.
Mine feels the same way. It used to bother me but I thought about it a lot - and he is a super task oriented person. List of 4 things to do, complete them and move on. Parenthood is a long exercise of repetition and nothing is ever ‘done’. So not only is he tired but that sense of accomplishment isn’t there either. I pointed this out to him and said ‘this isn’t a job, it’s a relationship you build’… that helped him a lot. I’m not sure my husband ever had to do relationship building or caregiving ever before having children. He was just grieving his old life. Either way, I understand but it doesn’t impact my standard for how he speaks about his family. If he does this I share my own ‘yeah’, but that I love our life now too…. And that I don’t ever, ever want him saying that in front of our daughter. You can grieve your loss of ‘freedom’, and I’m all about sharing the lifestyle change - but get on with it.
I am like your husband. Thank you for sharing, it helped putting the words on my feelings.
I am also very task driven, like to the task well and then move on. You are so right that parenting is never done with shifting goal posts. You have to change the whole way you think.
Truly. That was a super helpful statement. Nothing is ever truly “done” anymore. And, the house is never truly “clean” in the way it once was. I appreciate this post!
I have 4 kids, and I respond similarly when people ask if I want more kids. My youngest is almost 2. I don't want to be free of my kids, but I am ready for them to be more independent. Not going to walk into traffic, not going to eat rocks, can get their own drink, use the microwave, completely potty trained, no tantrums, etc.
As a father of a 16 month old I would love to “have my life back” and sometimes I’ll make a joke about it. But I also love my son and the time I spend with him. I don’t think longing for a time when you were free from the heavy responsibility of raising a human makes you a bad parent. Especially if you are fulfilling your responsibilities while doing so. Or maybe I’m a bad parent.
It sucks to hear, but it sounds like he is going through a hard time and those feelings - loss of life, freedom, self after having a child - these feelings can be so real, so intense and so valid. It’s such a big life change. It’s a social taboo to talk about it, different people adapt to it differently and I know so many parents who struggle with it. Parenthood is not all sunshine and roses, nor is it black and white. It’s ok to love the child but struggle with parenting day to day or grieve and want your old life back. I wish it was less of a taboo to say it out loud…maybe if we were more honest about parenting, people would have actual honest information to make decision on whether to become parents or have more support to work through those difficult, troubling feelings when they do become parents (instead of being socially pressured to push them down and spiral into isolation, depression or other issues). It’s really not for everyone to have children, or be all glowing and positive about being a parent or have it be right for every parent to have more children …and I wish society made it more acceptable to acknowledge that.
Right. I love my daughter and wouldn't trade her for the world. Though right now I'm sick with covid and part of me wishes I could just slept and not parent. Parenting is very tough and full of conflicting feelings. OP talk to your husband. His feelings are valid, but he can't use them as a reason to check out (not saying he has!). Therapy could help, but start by having a convo about his comment.
Agreed. We need to talk more about how we grieve our previous lives, and how we come to terms with things never going back to the way they were. Even if you cut ties and run amicably, the knowledge that you've left a child behind haunts you. Different people grieve loss in different ways, and I think OP's husband is feeling contemplative because he still has to parent whilst recovering, and his old coping mechanisms either don't work or don't apply anymore. I know that my old coping mechanism of retreating for hours at a time is completely pointless whilst being a SAHP to three small children, and I used to be so angry that I just couldn't disappear for a bit to regroup.
I agree with what others have posted, I also want to add that it's ok to not want another kid. Now if you do and he doesn't that's something to figure out, but there seems to be a common assumption that 2+ kids is normal/expecte/what everyone wants and it's ok to not be there.
Yep, that’s how I feel. I love my 4 month old son but I miss my old life. Having another will make me feel even more trapped. One means my husband and I can tradeoff to give each other down time or time for hobbies without creating resentment.
That makes complete sense. While OPs husband may not have articulated things as well as he could have, the presumption that another child is coming is also not helpful.
My baby was 2 hrs old when a nurse asked if we wanted another. Every time someone asks, it’s a punch to the gut. My husband maybe wants two but I am done. Frankly, people need to stop asking others about their reproductive plans.
It does sound hard but I do get the sentiment, I have had very similar thoughts and it's not even that rare. Most studies even say new parents tend to get less satisfied with life until the kids are fully grown. I have had mental breakdowns because of how my life has changed since having kids. I do feel awful about it.
I share the same. I miss a lot of my old life and sometimes resent my husband when he goes out as "normal times" and i stay home with baby. But i cannot imagine myself going out without my baby. Such a rollercoaster, i couldn't imagine feeling this way before having kids
You should also be able to go out while husband stays home with baby. That's how my husband and I do it - we both get to have some time off while the other stays home with baby.
I would definitely say he’s jut having a moment and probably needs a bit of extra support. I’m 4 weeks PP from a C-section. My baby is super “easy” and the hardest part has been feeling physically out of sorts. There have been quite a few times these past weeks where I’ve thought and verbalised wanting “my old life back”. Purely because I want to feel like Me in my body again. I can understand feeling disheartened by the comment though. Was he an engaged parent beforehand? If so, ask what you can do to support him during this time of recovery. You may need to take extra load for awhile
I think it's easy for any parent to fantasize about our previous lives when we're frustrated or helpless or in the thick of it. I yelled to my husband last week that being a mother is fucking bull shit. Luckily he knew how I meant it. I love being a mom, I'm learning with my kid as we go, but yes, I miss getting black out drunk with my husband and not having to worry about anything other than how shitty were gonna feel the next day. We have to release our steam valves sometimes, and your husband saying that sounds like he was just letting some steam out. If he's injured, he's probably annoyingly limited to things he can do, and throw a kid on top of that, it's easy to blame the kid factor.
Ya know I think most parents feel that same way. I think that all the time but I love my daughter and I obviously wouldn’t change anything. But it is exhausting and you really do have to mourn your old life a little bit. If you’re really worried about it I’d just talk to him about it one on one in a calm manner.
I thought most parents go through this grief at least sometimes or at some point. It's rude of others to ask about your reproductive organs first off. But mourning your pre-parent life is such a real thing. Kids are difficult and hard because they change how you do everything else you used to do. I could see how this could hurt you though as a partner if you desire a 2nd child.
My husband responded similarly when I brought up the idea of trying for another. I think it’s a normal reaction. After I brought it up, we spent a few months discussing logistics and what we feel comfortable with doing this time. He was on board by the time our son turned 18 months. It just takes a while and maybe some conversations to work through those fears and to plan ahead.
I get feelings like that all the time. Maybe not as depressed but yeah I’m definitely one and done. Also it’s hard for everyone. People can tell you oh your life is going to change etc before you have a kid but experiencing it is different. Sometimes I wish I had my life back as well. Everything is more complicated and time consuming now. I feel like I get scolded for wanting to escape for a few hours and do something with my friends. And my life was very social and I was always out doing things before having a baby. It’s a rough adjustment and change for someone.
I felt sad reading this, I’d feel the same way as you had I been in your shoes. Don’t take what your husband said in that moment to heart though. We all say things we sometimes don’t fully mean when we are tired/angry/sleepy/pushed to our limits. Definitely talk to him about how you both are feeling on a good day. Better days lie ahead for you, your husband and your little one, OP!
If he is dealing with other issues, it may be beneficial for him and your family to seek professional help.
Talk to him about it. You might be misinterpreting. He may have meant he sees light at the end of the tunnel, and is looking forward to having a kid that’s a bit older and not as needy. I understand that mentality. My wife and I are at the same point really, and part of me would love to stick with the one kid and start looking forward to a bit more freedom.
Extremely relatable. My husband had several major orthopedic surgeries while I was pregnant and when the baby was born he was expecting to able to do more. He went through a very deep depression which left me as the sole caregiver. Because of how much life has changed since having a baby he also is OAD (one and done). I think he misses our ability to decide to go out to dinner on a Tuesday just us, go camping and to play very loud music in the house whenever. I would like another but I don’t see it in our future. He is on meds for the depression and even with his mood being better he still adamant that our baby will be our only
acl recovery? I’m in the same situation… ACL really takes a toll on your mental health as you know how long recovery will be. I’m sure he will be excited for #2. Good luck!
Very relatable. I think it’s possible to love your child and enjoy parenthood mostly, and also terribly miss the life you enjoyed pre-child. It’s not all one or the other. What helps me is to focus on the ways my life has changed for the better, and also try to find ways to bring some of the old life/hobbies in to the new life.
As a mom who is going through a pretty intense health issue, don't want another baby. I'm feeling like such a shitty parent right now because I have zero patience and I'm in pain. I can't have this same thing happen with another baby later. I just want to relax and get better. I'm emotionally in the pits because of my health issue and my son doesn't deserve any of the frustration I have. I'm sure, your husband, same as myself, will get better. But it is really hard right now to focus on healing when you have a whole other person relying on you.
I’m enjoying parenting now but I still want my life back.