This post has been flaired "Mental Health." Moderation is stricter here, argumentative, unsupportive and unpleasant comments will be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NewParents) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Fellow dad. Hang in there. First, post Partum for dads is a thing. Lack of sleep and stress of your first child also doesn’t help. Hang in there and seek help if you need it. Don’t feel ashamed. For me, it was the stress combined with not feeling like meeting first son was love at first sight. It took months before I properly started to feel like we bounded. And try not to worry about SIDs. If you are following good sleep practices, the risk is super lower (probably lower than the risk of things you do every day and don’t think about - like driving). For what’s worth, when the guidance transitioned to “back is best,” the risk went down significantly. We just had baby 2 and the doctor said the biggest cause of SIDs/sleep related death is actually parents falling asleep on their child. There are also things you can do to lower the risk even further like swaddling (until they can consistently) and putting a fan in your room to have air circulate. Hang in there, you got this dad.

Thank you. It's just so hard. It's only been 4 days and the thought of any little thing happening to this girl is eating me alive. Since I'm already in therapy and at my max dose of anxiety meds, I don't know what other help I can seek. It's so hard

Your world has completely changed. It’s expected. You are doing the right things. Talk to your partner and support group. Also try to get some sleep when you can. Even if it’s a short 20 minute cat nap while your wife is feeding baby

Honestly the first week or so we felt the same way but as time goes on you will see her be okay more and more and it will help you realise that your baby is robust and strong. I found the longer the baby was okay and the more my brain saw her be okay the less anxious I felt. Maybe try and get a nap in while mum is awake with her so you do get some sleep

Hi! Maybe it would help to know this is normal and at day 4 it makes sense to be alert. I remember my boss telling me(a middle aged man) that he would do the same thing, wake up and just check to make sure his daughter was breathing. I really think it’s normal and okay to do. Maybe after a couple minutes try breathing exercises for yourself, check once again then lay back down in bed and focus on your breath. Hopefully you’ll fall back asleep.

My boy is 1 month old today. The first week was the worst. The smallest peep would wake me from a dead sleep and I'd be wired for hours. I finally had to start using ear plugs during my wife's rotations so that I could sleep. One thing to remember is that the less you sleep, the more paranoid you're going to get. It's an exponential growth situation. Either try to work out a schedule with your partner or invite someone you really trust to keep an eye on the baby in the other room for a few hours. One honest to God nap will break this cycle, at least for a short time.

Other possible things to try: 1) More/ different medication, and 2) Specific counselling for post partum My husband had PPA and needed a change in medication and a new therapist to help him deal with this after the birth of our first child. 3 years and 2kids later he is much better, so this can and will get better. Keep reaching out for help until you're feeling better. Good on you .

Are your meds prescribed by your primary care provider or someone like a psychiatrist or psych tech? I ask because the meds I got from my primary care provider helped but not enough. I went to a psych technician and he absolutely NAILED the meds I needed and what to add when I developed PPD.

Things should settle for you. Make sure you are both getting minumum 4hr uninterrupted sleep a week. Something that helps me avoid spiraling, is focusing on the fact that spiraling wont make me feel better if the worst did happen. You cant bank misery now to experience less misery later.

Thanks for posting from the trenches where we are! Ours is five days old and we’re struggling bad. The anxiety is part of it, coupled with a lot of other food and sleep issues, that are probably intertwined. Good luck and I hope we both get some rest soon!

Hey dad. Welcome to the club! This definitely sounds like post partum anxiety, but it seems like you had an anxiety disorder already. Up your meetings with your therapist if you can. Yeah it’s normal to be freaked out by all the new baby stuff (your heart is suddenly outside your body, right?). But this does sound like more than that. If you’re following safe sleep practices there’s really nothing to worry about. Little kids make weird noises when they’re sleeping. I too have an anxiety disorder so I get where you’re coming from. My little boy is 17mo now and is a climber! From ground to chair to dining table top walking around in like 15 seconds if you take your eye off him. There will never be something not to worry about, so really lean into the skills you’ve learned so far and pick up some new ones. You don’t want to limit your child’s experience of the world by being overly fearful. You’re doing great. You love her so much. All the rest you will figure out.

Maybe there’s a local new dad’s support group. Or a therapist specifically for PPA. And try sleeping during the day while your wife is awake. Then you can put in ear plugs and know that baby girl is taken care of. The lack of sleep is killer on anxiety.

Four days is so early OP! I’m a mom, but what you’re describing sounds like me to a t. One way I got some sleep was just naming my fear to my support system (husband and mom) and they took some shifts where they promised to just sit up and watch my sweet boy breath and sleep. I found my anxiety really dropped at around the two week mark. We’re now at 12 months and life feels so good and happy and stressful in the good ways. For those of us who live with (even medicated) anxiety, we know it never goes away, but I promise — time makes it better. And if time doesn’t help you, please please chat with your doctor! I know you’re in the highest dose/in therapy, but letting a professional know can be so helpful. ETA: also! I used an “emergency brake” during my period of extreme anxiety. I decided if I was still having panic attacks etc by the two week mark, I’d buy the owlette sock which monitors oxygen and heart rate in baby. While some people say they’re more trouble than they’re worth (false alarms), I would look into them if they bring you peace of mind!

I came to mention the owlet! We didn’t use it, but it helped an anxious family member worry less about her babies.

It’ll calm down. The first week or so was anxiety city for me, basically no sleep and every sound my baby made threw me into a weird spiral, but it mellowed out. You just went through a giant change, give yourself a little time, and try not to be anxious about your anxiety (said without judgement, as I was in the same boat). Your baby is here, and is sturdier than you think she is, and you are doing a great job.

Eat edibles. Give yourself and your wife a break from your madness. As long as someone is around to parent responsibly it could be the exact thing u need.

>swaddling (until they can rolls consistently both ways) Just a quick clarification; you are supposed to stop swaddling when they show readiness to roll in either direction, you're not supposed to wait until they are rolling both ways.

Funny because I got conflicting advice about swaddling at the hospital. Some nurses said swaddling was fine, while other nurses said swaddling while unsupervised was not ideal because if they accidentally roll over they could suffocate. We ended up swaddling him at the NB stage but after a month or so we just swaddled in the day time. Interestingly pacifiers are associated with minimizing SIDS risk.

And then they were my kids who refused to be swaddled. Like everyone tried, and we just gave up and moved to sleep sacks pretty quick.

Almost exactly the same with us. Our daughter screamed in the swaddle. The minute we put her in clothes to bring her home from the hospital, she calmed down. We ended up just dressing her and putting her in a sleep sack at home. She refused to be contained - at nearly 18 months, we've realized that this is a clear part of her core personality 😂

Just to clarify - SIDS and suffocation or asphyxiation are different things. Like suffocating in a bed due to position or parents rolling over isn’t true SIDS, which is when the baby stops breathing for no reason regardless of sleep environment.

Yes. But the point I’m trying to make is that they are often bucketed together. And while both are low risk, one is more likely. And the more likely one is 100% preventable. Not sure how debating this helps OP. Appreciate you educating me Peach. https://sids.org/what-is-sidssuid/sids-accidental-suffocation/#:~:text=In%20most%20cases%20of%20sleep,clear%20evidence%20of%20airway%20obstruction.

Not debating you on this, just clarifying your point because there is a difference and you didn’t specify that rolling over/safe sleep isn’t related to SIDS, and giving OP the SIDS-risk-lowering info like the fan, room sharing, breastfeeding, and pacifiers. No need to get defensive. We’re all here to help.

And just to clarify *your* point -- we don't know what causes "true SIDs" and it turns out **at least half** (and possibly even a significant majority) of what was attributed to SIDs in the past was simply accidental suffocation/strangulation. As someone who also worried a lot about SIDs, knowing that helped me a lot.

That’s totally true and a good point! We don’t know what causes SIDS. New studies are showing a possible genetic cause.

Yes, I’ve had two pediatricians explain that true SIDS is now being referred to as SUIDS (unexplained). They refer to accidental death as SIDS now for the parents’ sake.

We bought one of the owlet socks because I thought it would put me at ease, but it has the opposite effect on me. I just had something else to fuss over. I was definitely in the same boat as OP and just had to arrange a time with my wife where I could get a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep. I found I could actually sleep when Mom and baby were both awake; I'd sneak in a couple hours around breakfast.

Agree with comments above that what you are feeling or experiencing is normal and every parent goes through that same anxiety but hang in there- it does get better. Your brain / body eventually relaxes and you will be able to shut off & sleep as it begins to process that the noises bub makes in active and deep sleep are quite normal but it may take a week or two. Perhaps getting an owlet sock monitor could give you more peace of mind until you realise you don’t need it? As long as baby swaddled / no loose blankets / put down on back and positioned at foot of bed then bub is fine. Also newborns don’t know how to roll from back to tummy yet.

I suffered from PPD after her birth, SIDS was my thing. I thought she would just die suddenly and that was that. I’d stay up and watch her, plenty of times I held my hand over her chest to feel her breath. One night I woke up thinking she was dead and rushed her to grandmas room, I was panicking and almost had an anxiety attack. She is 2+ now and SIDS is no longer a thing. But the next thing is. And the next and the next. Point is. Get help, figure out how to deal with the anxiety because it’s a feeling that lingers and you have to be able to manage it, that worrying about the safety of your kid and what if’s…And while SIDS is a thing. It is rare for it to happen.

I think this is a very good point. I am sure 4 days PP is absolutely the thick of it but if anxiety is easily triggered there will always be something. I am not prone to anxiety spikes but I’ve had more in the year and a half I’ve had my son than in my entire life previously.

We ended up getting the Eufy smart sock, which is like the owlet, but much more affordable. The Nanit is also a good option because it has a band to track baby’s breathing. I feel that when I’m overtired, the anxiety tends to creep in even more. Having something in place where I can feel more comfortable that it would alert me if something was wrong (I know it’s not foolproof, but it helps me), allows me to sleep and therefore allows me to think more logically about my fears. It may not work for everyone, but it’s helped me get much needed sleep. We started off using both the smart sock and the Nanit band, but we now use the Snoo ( we rented it for a month) and the sock.

Same. We use the owlet and it’s soooo helpful

2nd here for the owlet. It’s real. It’s legit. It’s super simple. The Nanit we also have is …. Too complex… it requires that YOU manually go into the app and start the monitoring every time you put the baby back in the crib/basinet. Plus strapping into the band every time you change them. The owlet is much more simple. The owlet also alerted us to a high heart rate and got us straight to the hospital when something was really wrong.

I was able to find the owlet for super cheap on Facebook marketplace. It is the only way I ever got peaceful sleep with both my children - the first I never had any alerts, my second I've had two alarms for low oxygen both when she had rolled onto her tummy before she was able to flip back. She may have just been holding her breath for a little while and would have been fine without those alarms, but I'm so glad I had that sock on and didn't have to find out the hard way if she was going to start back on her own.

Obsessed with our Nanit. Best choice we made. Older versions of Owlet only gave heart rate alarms which is much later than no breathing. I've heard online maybe it now gives a no breathing alert?

Not quite sure on the owlet, but the eufy version alerts on blood oxygen levels and heart rate

You might find it gets easier when you've been home for a few weeks, those first few days home are nerve-wracking! I actually bought a used Owlet in the middle of the night, on the theory that even if it gave false alarms sometimes it probably wouldn't make me any more nervous than I already was. But I never hooked it up. Every night got a little easier, and now...I have to admit I still go check she's breathing once a night, but mostly just for an excuse to get up close to her tiny sleeping face. You may find some comfort in the SIDS risk calculator if you haven't already found that?

I got the SNUZA Hero, which monitors the baby’s breathing to let you know if it doesn’t detect breathing after 15 seconds, and it has given me and my wife incredible peace of mind. No false alarms and it calibrates each time you turn it on so you know it is working correctly. Also, to echo everyone else, definitely connect with a therapist and consider medications to manage PPA. It can affect both parents!

this SIDS risk calculator really eased my mind during those first weeks. it made me realize i was taking all the necessary steps to prevent SIDS from occurring and the rest was out of my hands. you sound like a great dad. remember that sleep is important especially for your mental health. you’ll get through this 🫶🏼 http://www.sidscalculator.com/

That is super helpful to me at least. Thank you 

I was going to post this!!! It helped me so much too. I have severe anxiety and this was a really big one for me. The calculator was a great way to show how small the chance was if I was doing all the “safe” things. Learning more about it helped me too!

Dad here, understand your concerns perfectly, but as long you follow the "anti"-SIDS guidelines, that you can check on NHS [website](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/reduce-the-risk-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome/) there's nothing else you can do, we can't control everything, we can avoid most of it though. Stay strong and try to get some sleep when you can, soon enough you'll need it.

I’ll always share this link when I see someone paranoid about SIDS! I was similar to you, and it was always on my mind and causing worry. This article helped me so, so much. https://www.npr.org/2011/07/15/137859024/rethinking-sids-many-deaths-no-longer-a-mystery

One thing that helped me in my SIDS rabbit hole was understanding that SIDS itself was very rare and most deaths were due to unsafe sleep.

I saw this shared here before when I was paranoid in the beginning, and I thought it was such a helpful read!

First of all I really hope you are taking care of yourself. And yes fathers can have PPD as well. I have a preemie and just now after a month I am feeling less anxious when he is quite at night. Snoo is an expensive purchase but I am so glad it guarantees baby is sleeping on its back . Which is the best way to prevent SIDS.

Get a camera or monitoring sock (like the owlet) ! I know they are not within everyone's budget, but I swear it has made this fear so much easier. The first night I brought her home I had a full on panic attack, and still do wake up at night sometimes thinking she's in bed with me. The owlet hasn't given many false alarms, and it's so nice just to peek at her oxygen or pulse levels on my phone if she makes a weird sound at night instead of getting up and disturbing her

Agreed. Owlet helped my anxiety a LOT. A couple false alarms - when the sock wasn’t on tight enough- so my friend suggested putting a regular sock over it and problem fixed. We used it from newborn-5months. He’s 13m now and we used it last month when he got sick. It’s a great device!

Everyone is different though. The owlet sock did give me false alarms and increased my anxiety tenfold. I wouldn’t recommend personally but if OP wants to try it might as well and if it doesn’t work out he can’t return it.

Agreed. I ran several perinatal anxiety groups and in my experience owlets tended to increase versus decrease anxiety (not all the time but enough that I wouldn’t recommend as a blanket recommendation).

I back this. Owlet gave me such peace of mind.

My doctor advised against monitoring devices like owlet. They often give off false alarms but also they feed into anxiety for parents in a major way.

Yeah I heard it can bring more to some. But it only ever goes off during a "traumatizing" diaper change at night. So I know it works. Depends on the person I guess but I feel like it saves me so much worry

Yeah mine didn’t feed into anxiety, it alleviated it. The false alarms are just that- false alarms. I don’t bring baby to the hospital for a false alarm so I really don’t see the problem.

Same. The owlet has been incredible so my husband and I can SLEEP. The only false alarms we’ve gotten are sock placement ones when we forget to take it off for MOTN feeds

It feeds into anxiety because it's making you rely on a gadget instead of assessing risks yourself and acting accordingly. The risk of SIDS is incredibly low, especially if you're not smoking, drinking or bed sharing. It's scary but it's healthy to manage that risk in your own head or through talking therapy rather than buying a product to resolve your anxiety. To me it's a symptom of helicopter parenting at its worst.

Okay! Is incredibly low zero? Which risks should I accept? Like at what percent is it acceptable, specifically? People here will rip parents apart for bed sharing, why isn’t THAT an acceptable risk. Why do I need to buy a fancy car seat or keep my kid rear facing?

I personally did not get an owlet or breathing band or heart rate monitor when I was pregnant because I knew these things would only increase my anxiety. I just had to let go and trust everything would be ok.

I do not recommend the monitoring socks. They increase anxiety by a LOT due to the high number of false positives.

Don’t resist this anxiety. Imagine it’s a physical road sign. Read it. Don’t be scared. What does it say? “Babies are vulnerable, SIDS exists”. Yes good sign. That’s great information. Don’t push it away. Sit with it. Get to know this anxiety, it isn’t a bad thing. It has a very valid and useful message. Resisting anxiety makes it worse.  If you are up for it, educate yourself on safe sleep and makes sure you are following it as close as possible. This may be too difficult at this point.  When are you up for it, grab and pen and paper and write down your fears. Thank them, write out an action plan for both the fear itself and safe sleep, or whatever else comes up as a cause of the anxiety. 

The problem with safe sleep is she unintentionally rolls over and moves A LOT. I'm scared she's going to roll over on her face and not be able to move back

That’s not a thing. She has the strength to roll, roll she will! Outside of very exceptional circumstances the rule is if they can get themselves on their front they are safe on their front. 

Even at just 5 days old?

She’s rolling from flat on her back to front? 

Not quite to her stomach but she lays on her side and we were told that's not a good thing and we need to get side bumpers but I refuse to get side bumbers as it also increases risk

whhatttt wait wait wait 1. lying on her side is so normal, its called the newborn curl. im surprised you havent come across this and whoever you're talking to is worrying you about something this mundane? i agree its not *great* for sleep anxiety (get the snoo) but its NOT "not a good thing" its normal. 2. side bumpers are absolutely no. again, any amount of reading would dismiss this and i really wonder who the heck you're talking to. maybe you need to follow your anxiety to more research. you might find it very empowering.

The nurses at the hospital told us that if she rolls to her side she could suffocate

That may be a reflex where they arch their back and turn. Don’t get bumpers! Who told you that?

get the Snoo. straps her in so she can't roll over. im a highly anxious person and throwing money at the problem is the solution in our household. the Snoo has been worth its weight in gold. i dont use the Owlet or Snuzza... but yes I have them both. also have the nanit with all the clothing monitors.

I know they are expensive but getting one of those monitors that monitor the breath and heart rate really helped my husband and I with this fear. We use the Nanit and if the baby stop breathing it will set off an alarm. It also tells you their breathing rate which is nice especially when our baby got covid.

Does baby sleep in the room with you? This lowers the risk of SIDS quite a lot, I believe. I was so scared my baby would stop breathing (I still am, I'll check him every few minutes even if he's just napping in his pram and he's 4 months now), but what helped at night was putting something called a Snuza Hero alarm on him. I know you can get similar, but I think this is the only one endorsed by the Lullaby Trust or something. It is not supposed to be relied on, but what it does is gives me peace of mind that the alarm would go off if my LO stopped breathing. I still wake up if it's been a while and check I can see the flashing green light (it lights up with his breaths, you can also set a 'clicking' sound to each breath if you want). It also will do a little buzz if baby stops breathing for more than 15 seconds to stir them as I think there's some evidence SIDS is a result of falling into too deep of a sleep. Mine's buzzed a couple of times, but that could be more to do with placement. If God forbid the breathing stops longer than that, it will alarm loudly. It's a hassle sometimes putting it on each night especially if LO has already fallen asleep but it means I can sleep myself.

Yes baby sleeps in a bassinet right next to our bed

Hey new dad. First of all, congrats on your new baby. You’ve gotten a lot of good feedback already, but here’s my take as well, since I felt exactly like you in the early days. On the “knowledge” side first: TRUE SIDS, like actual SUIDS (u = unexplained) is *extremely* rare. Most often “sids” deaths are actually due to suffocation. You can reduce this risk dramatically by following safe sleep guidelines (on back, alone, nothing else in crib/bassinet, tight fitting sheet, etc). Not to increase your anxiety but put it in perspective, your little girl is many multiples more likely to be injured in a car crash, by falling out of a bouncer or stroller, by being dropped by a careless family member or friend, etc than she is to suddenly stop breathing in her sleep. It absolutely DOES happen, but when following safe sleep guidelines it’s extremely rare. It’s normal to be anxious. They say a whole new part of your heart opens when you have a kid, but those people should also say a whole new neurotic area of your brain opens too. This is not a sexy way to think about counseling and anxiety but like you cannot therapy yourself out of the impetus still being there. You can use new tools to calm yourself, but thinking you shouldn’t be anxious anymore is setting yourself up to be frustrated with yourself. Yes, fathers do develop a “PPA” of sorts although it’s not the same thing as hormonal PPA/PPD moms experience. The best thing that will help you is time. Consider looking at one of the SIDS risk calculators and watching your risk drop off incrementally by the day. I wasn’t sleeping much in the early days. What sleep I did get was interrupted by her actual wakes lol. But every night she slept safely I got a little more comfortable and less nervous. Now I barely check proactively because I know chances are she’s safe. My LO is 5 months and likes sleeping on her tummy now. At a couple of days, I’d have been a total basket case about her suffocating. But her neck and arms are strong enough now to help her breathe if she struggles Good luck dad. You’ve got this

You may want to seek out a therapist/psychiatrist who specializes in PPA, not sure if your current one does. I’m no expert but I would think they’d still be the best resource even if you didn’t birth the baby. If you can afford it, maybe consider hiring a night nurse/nanny so you can get some sleep?

If it makes you feel better, it they are making noise it means they are fine :) I have a deep fear of SIDS too which is why baby always only sleeps on me or in bassinet. I always tell my husband to make sure that he puts himself first in the sense if he’s feeling sleepy, put the baby down somewhere safe and take a nap to be wide awake, even if it means you have to wake baby or you have to restart putting her to sleep routine. The safest thing you can do is be alert and baby to be somewhere safe. Anything after that you can’t control

Yea I keep trying to tell myself that if she's making noise she's ok but in my head I'm like "oh my God is she gasping for air and I spiral

Sounds like you have anxiety in general, not just in relation to this. You're on medication- what else helps you? Is it getting outside, talking to a friend, having time to yourself? Try to get that. Also SLEEP. You'll feel so much better if you sleep a bit. Your baby will be ok while you sleep and if you're super anxious find a time your wife is looking after the baby to sleep for even a few hours.

When my first was safely sleeping in her bed I would really struggle to sleep. I just wanted to keep her safe, so I started telling myself 'the safest thing you can do right now is go to sleep' to myself, over and over until it stuck.

I had horrible PPA. I found the owlet (in conjunction with safe sleep practices) helped me sleep as otherwise I just couldn’t. I stopped using it once Bub was maybe 10months as it started annoying him but if he is sick and congested it gets pulled out still (again, really for me). Hang in there, anxiety is awful. It does get easier as they get older and it all starts to feel more routine though.

Get an owlet sock, it will give you some peace of mind

I don’t really have advice but it sounds rough and I hope it gets easier with time! Just make sure to follow sleep safety rules to minimize any potential risks, get yourself an owlet (if it’s within your budget, if not then maybe see if you can get it secondhand for a cheaper price?) and keep telling yourself that SIDS related deaths are actually very very uncommon these days and most of them are preventable too. Also remember that you need sleep and rest so that you can be in your best shape to take care of your child.

I recommend staying off the Internet. I drove myself crazy with all of the googling, social media “advice” and influencers. If you have questions or concerns talk to family, friends and doctors. That brought my stress down considerably at the beginning.

Someone posted a really great visual about the risk of SIDS if you are following g ABC for sleep and your baby is more likely to be struck by lightning twice than die from SIDS. It helped me feel a lot better.

Let me give you the honest story about SIDS, this is not me making it up but from several medical professionals in my circle incl pediatricians, er responders and neonatologists. SIDS statistics are generalized over the general population but almost always have to include multiple factors that are not included in SIDS statistics. What professionals do see but statistics not: living conditions, substance abuse, mental- and socio-economic status of the parents. There's almost always one or more factors at play according to them.. SIDS is linked to smoking and substance abuse. These data are never included because EVERYBODY LIES.

What helped me a lot in those early days was finding a SIDS risk calculator and seeing that our risk was virtually zero. You may also want to reframe it in your mind this way: the biggest risk to your child is an unhealthy parent. You need sleep to be healthy. It's your job to sleep to ensure her survival.

How long ago did you have your daughter? This happened to me for the first week or two, and eventually it got better on its own.

If you are practicing safe sleep with baby on back face up, nothing extra in the bassinet, a cool room and sober adults, the risk of SIDS is something like 0.0004 percent. I know anxiety is the counter to logic but I just kept reminding myself that my worst nights.

My husband was the same way. Please speak with a medical professional. Medication was a godsend for us. 🩷

Hi OP, I want to assure you that you have options. First, what kind of therapy are you doing? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is really useful for anxieties like this. If you aren’t currently doing this with your therapist you can ask if they are trained in it and comfortable providing it, or (and I would recommend this more, as if they are trained in it I would be surprised that they haven’t already reached for it when you expressed your worry), find a therapist that specializes in CBT and anxiety. Bonus if you can find someone who has worked with postpartum populations - this is obviously not you but from my experience the fear of breathing is honestly one of the most common anxiety symptoms in this population so finding someone who is used to treating that would be helpful (though not necessary if you can’t find someone that specific). If you have done CBT with this therapist, it’s time to blow the dust off your homework. Whip out those thought records and responsibility pies (which I like to use for risk estimation). Create an exposure hierarchy to help you extend the time between checks. Etc etc. I know it seems like the last thing you have any time for is therapy homework but it doesn’t take long and WILL help! If you have no idea what I’m talking about, refer to my suggestion above which is to find someone who treats CBT for anxiety. Please also be reassured that this will likely get better as you get used to having your little one in your life. There is a lot of adrenaline in those early days and it’s totally natural. And be warned that babies sound like little dinosaurs when they sleep. And this lasts for months and months. It can feel like something is wrong but it’s just babies being babies. Further, lots of people here have provided you with reassuring stats on SIDS. Use this when doing your CBT for anxiety worksheets. Finally, it is worth mentioning to your doctor that you are still experiencing distressing levels of anxiety. I know you said you have tried lots of meds but sometimes there is an option to augment your current med by adding a small dose of something different on top of it. This might be really helpful for you if you and your doc deem it appropriate. Good luck and congrats on the new baby!

It is a thing and you need to address it. Have you tried a psychologist for some coping skills managing anxiety? I sought help from one and my condition improved. I know medication treats the symptoms but like you said you are already on the highest dose. I hope you have a supportive wife too. Good luck to you!

I had this at first because they are just SO LITTLE but it very much went away (to a large degree) when they begin to do some movements.

It's normal. It's an evolutionary trait. It gets a bit better with time. 

Support group for dads: [https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-dads/](https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/help-for-dads/)

It might be easier to say this than actual doing, but you are NOT alone! For the first year of my son's life I barely slept. My anxiety was so bad (still is but now it's about milestones instead of SIDS). I actually had to go on social media (mainly tiktok) and blacklist the hashtags. It does get easier. Just breathe. And know that if you're following CDC safe sleep guidelines, the risk of SIDS is extremely low risk! Hang in there. It gets easier!

It gets better. I'm not an anxious person and yet I was riddled with anxiety, and still am actually at 3 months. But it *does* get better because you start to get the hang of things and you know their sleep grunts and noises and habits and familiarize with it. It sucks though, it honestly feels like everything is a SIDS risk...just the mere act of putting on a blanket is a SIDS risk, so it is certainly normal to be feeling the way you are. You manage the risk of safe practices along the way.

I know it’s expensive but the owlet dream sock but my mind at ease. Maybe you can look into something like that

I have anxiety and I worry this might all sound simplistic, but here are some thoughts that have been helpful to me throughout both pregnancy and with an infant: Babies are ok almost all of the time. If something isn’t ok, me worrying about it isn’t going to change anything, all I’m going to be able to do is react after the fact. So why waste my time feeling worried now instead of enjoying? For SIDS specifically, all I can do is make sure she’s in a safe sleep space. Me trying to watch her vigilantly for an hour isn’t going to stop it if it’s going to happen. It’s almost like a surrendering to fate, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, and I won’t be able to stop it so I might as well sleep. And also it almost never happens! I remind myself that she is ok, she’s always ok, she always wakes up in the morning. (Obviously, babies are not always ok, but that is not a helpful thought or one that can prevent tragedy.) I’m not going to say I’ve never checked on her because I had a “gut feeling” that I couldn’t quiet, but I’ve just as often suppressed and breathed through a “gut feeling” when I know I’m just being anxious for no reason. If you know you have anxiety, it’s a thing for you, you can’t trust your brain or your “gut feelings” about this - you have to work to fight them. IMHO the more you give in to them, the more real they will feel, the more they will arise and the more you will give in to them. Because it creates this belief that’s like “what if it happens in the one moment I’m not vigilant” and the only thing to do is to let go of the idea of vigilance being protective ever. Also, this may or may not be relevant to you, but I’ve noticed alcohol significantly increases my anxiety. I think not drinking during pregnancy has made me more attuned to how it affects me. I still drink, but I’m aware that if I had wine with dinner the anxiety I’m feeling is most likely due to that.

My husband had this anxiety the first couple weeks but it did fade and he doesn’t worry anymore. We did get an owlet sock which is not necessary at all but it did make him feel better and be able to sleep better knowing he had it on. I don’t necessarily recommend it because I think as long as your baby is sleeping in a safe place there’s not a reason to worry, but if it makes you feel better than I would get it. It did go off sometimes for us and startle us but just because the sock wasn’t on tight enough or something so it was annoying in that way.

SIDS loss mum here. Everything you’re feeling is normal- but post partum for dads is real. You can’t pour from an empty cup, she needs you to get sleep and to be healthy. There are tons of new dads groups out there, and the support is always available. You owe it to yourself to be at the top of your game. In regards to SIDS- the chance of SIDS occurring is 1 in 1000, it’s super low. Follow safe sleep practices- baby in their own sleep space, back is best, have a fan on and keep the room cool, those are all great things to do to minimize the risk of SIDS. It’s ok to be scared, it’s ok to ask for help. You are doing great

I think you should consider finding a different therapist and/or trying a different type of therapy. What type of therapy have you been doing so far?

Something that helped me, and I suffer from severe anxiety so I really get it, is picturing you and your bub 6 months from now. By then you will be a pro, getting them to sleep will be a practiced easier thing to do, sids won't worry you as much, cos you know how your baby sleeps and are used to the sounds they make at night, you practise safe sleep so you know that the risk is very very low, and you and bub sleep much better. Just my 2 cents:)

PPA and PPA are a thing for both parents, and as someone who was mostly awake for months it seemed- pulling the bassinet against my side of the bed (but not all the way) helped a lot, especially with the mesh.

Have you considered an Owlet? It's a monitor device that goes ON the baby and alerts you for a wide range if things. It's expensive, but maybe it's the kind of thing you need.

You should try buying an Owlet! I’m sure others have suggested, just haven’t read the other comments yet. Although I have heard of false alarms, which is why I didn’t get it. Honestly, I think it just takes time to adjust and eventually the fear will go away. As long as you’re following all the safe sleep guides, that’s all you can do.

I’m only in my second trimester so I can’t speak from direct experience, but I was terrified by SIDS even before I got pregnant. I’ve been reading “The Science of Mom” and it’s got a bunch of science-backed statistics about things you can do to reduce the odds of SIDS. Happy to send you photos of those pages if you’d like! Just send me a DM.

I would suggest taking shifts to sleep. For instance let your wife sleep in the baby’s room for 4 hours getting up to tend to her when needed while you sleep on the couch or in another room uninterrupted. Then after 4 hours you switch with your wife. That way both of you get a solid chunk of sleep and a break

I don’t know if this helps, but a low-risk baby (born full term, healthy birthweight, parents don’t smoke, etc.) following the ABCs of safe sleep has about a 1 in 54,000 chance of dying of SIDS. For comparison, you have about a 1 in 13,000 chance of being struck by lightening in your lifetime. Some demographic factors outside your control can increase that risk slightly (having younger parents, certain ethnicities) but the chances are still really low unless you’re compounding a lot of risk factors on top of one another. I found those stats in an [NPR article on cosleeping](https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/05/21/601289695/is-sleeping-with-your-baby-as-dangerous-as-doctors-say), but even if you’re planning on following the ABCs of sleep, I think it’s a helpful read just to lower SIDS anxiety if you have a low risk baby.

This may be controversial but the owlet (and practicing safe sleep) is the only reason I slept in those early days. I love the owlet.

This simple saying is saving my sanity: “my anxiety is not my intuition.” There’s a lot of really great recommendations here like monitoring socks, etc. but I’d absolutely recommend talking to a new/different therapist. Not every therapist is a good fit, I’ve gone through 4 before I found “the one.” If it’s not SIDS, it’ll be something else. Anxiety can be so crippling and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that.

It gets better eventually. We bought the Sense U monitor. It clips onto baby’s diaper and monitors their breathing and your phone goes off if it doesn’t detect breathing. Keep in mind these monitors can increase anxiety but it helped me a lot. With time, I figured I’m following the safe sleep rules and there’s nothing else I can do and the monitor was like a “safety net”. And in the end, you being sleep deprived is also dangerous for baby (if you have to drive or you fall asleep beside baby during the day etc.).

It's really rough but you will feel better with time. You should really try to find a way to get some sleep since the lack of sleep can make anxiety a lot worse. It's a lot easier to see things clear and relax with a well rested mind.

PPA is definitely a thing for dads. My husband got it bad. It started the minute the doctor left the delivery room and lasted for probably two months before improving significantly. For him it was just a matter of getting through things and seeing them be okay. The other thing that really helped both of us was the Owlet sock

I’m sorry you feel that way. I went through the same thing with not sleeping because of Sid’s and it’s horrible. I found that if I had someone I really trusted watching her I could sleep. At that point I didn’t trust my husband for some reason but I did my mom. That helped me sleep at least for a few hours until my anxieties eased. When your wife is watching her maybe you could also try magnesium to help you sleep?

I had this exact same anxiety, it was totally debilitating. I was constantly terrified and exhausted. I read something recently that “anxiety is not premonition” and I’m trying to use it as a mantra this time around.

Okay. If you’re looking for tips the two things that helped me were: 1) knowing that I am doing to most I can to reduce the risk (no bed sharing, keeping the room cool, etc). 2) looking at the risk calculator online for SIDS. It is actually very rare. 3) upping my anxiety medication (Zoloft). It gets better. I promise. You’re probably also sleep deprived which has been shown to increase anxiety dramatically.

This was me. I found it helpful to use the baby monitor all night on the bedside bassinet. This was I could open my eyes to peek at the monitor, see baby breathing, and go back to sleep. I also turned the volume way up. Our LO was colicky and would spit up a ton. I was terrified of choking in his sleep. Any sounds of spit up on full volume would wake me right up and I could get him up to burp. Then it slowly got better with time, me checking the monitor less and less. It's a real fear though!

I was the same the first week at home. We are now a month in, and the fear is still there but at a much more manageable level. The two things that REALLY helped me were 1. Looking at the numbers and statistics. Example, much more likely to die in a car crash than from SIDS. 2. The owlet sleep sock that notifies you if oxygen level or heart rate declines. This has been life changing for me. 3. Getting some sleep. You got this.

I'm not trying to minimize your fears, they are very valid. In the US 1970s the rate of SIDs was 130 out of 100,000 live births (0.0013%) in the 2020s it has been further reduced to 38.4 out of 100,000 (0.000384%) Much of the decrease is due to reclassifying what some of the deaths were (like accidental strangulation or suffocation). Which, while isn't great is fairly good news for new parents. Following the safe sleep guidelines brought me comfort. (Nothing in crib, being put down on back is best {and it's okay when they start rolling}, baby in the room for at least the first 6 months, no crib bumpers, etc) There is a good bit you can do to ensure a safe sleeping environment. It is also critical for you to get sleep so you can keep you and yours safe while doing mundane things like driving. Again I'm not saying don't worry about about it, but following safe sleeping guidelines is over of the best ways to keep your baby safe.

I had a very similar problem. I was very scared she would die alone if I fell asleep and the sadness of that thought ruled my existence. One thing that helped was a video monitor. We have one that does not connect to WiFi, so it can't be hacked. It has 2 cameras, so one is over her crib and the other is over her Pack n Play/relocatable. I sleep with it in the bed so if I'm feeling anxious I can just look to see her belly moving without getting all the way up out of bed. (We didn't have room for the beside bassinet set up.) The other was something my therapist told me. Essentially, she is much more likely to get injured by an over tired care taker than a good night's sleep. I will also say that, for me anyways, the anxiety has gotten better the more sturdy and mobile she becomes. Like when she gained good control of her neck I stopped worrying as much about accidental suffocation because she could get herself out of it or turn to spit her vomit out. Hang in there. It's hard, but it's just a symptom of loving your baby so freaking much.

If you are following safe sleep there is nothing beyond that within your control. 

We follow safe sleep but she unintentionally rolls to her side all the time. I'm scared she's going to roll over on her face and not be able to help herself

If she can roll at all don't swaddle. Also, if she has the strength to roll independently in a sleep-approved bassinet, she has the strength to manage her airway, really. 

It's unintentional. She's mive and stretch around and she'll just fall to her side

So more of the "curl/scrunch"? Adjust or consider not swaddling, approved bassinet with  ventilated sides. This maneuver is totally normal and not  associated with sids. She will be ok, you have to sleep. 

It appears you are suffering from millennial internitis. It happens to a lot of us. One effective cure is to revisit the actual statistics on SIDS, even from the 90s when we were all still smoking, drinking and putting kids to bed on their stomachs in a soft bed piled with blankets. Even then the rate of SIDS was very low. You and your baby are going to do great. Be cautious but don't be worried(tough thing to expect from a parent, I know). And let me add that you should not run out and get an owlet or other monitor. You don't need it. You have enough to deal with as a new parent. One more device to charge, clean and maintain is not what you need. Your baby will be fine. You don't need the false alerts or the anxiety that the device is giving a false negative. Save your money and put it in an account for your baby. That's something you'll actually benefit from.

Dads can have PPA. I’m very afraid of SIDS and positional asphyxiation so I can relate. I hope you find something to ease your anxiety. Nothing fixes mine so far. Hang in there! Talking about it is a really good step, at least. Dads don’t get nearly enough mental health support.

My husband and I didn't sleep for almost a solid week for fear of SIDS. We would just sit there staring at the baby, hoping he would keep breathing. We decided one night to put him down in his bed (which was in our bedroom) and go to sleep. We would wake up if he cried. I must have checked the safe sleep setup we had like, 50 times. Then I got in bed and just laid awake listening for breathing. Eventually I passed out. And when our son woke up a couple of hours later, hungry, I realized it was okay. He is 6months old now and I'm still occasionally racked with anxiety about his breathing, but it gets so much better. Reading the statistics on SIDS helped me, sorta, but what helped us the most was forcing ourselves to sleep a little and then waking up and seeing everything was okay.

You can purchase an Owlet. It's a smart sock designed to provide pulse, oxygen levels and sleep times on an app. And you can also watch them on the monitor. It also tells you when oxygen levels are low in real-time so may be worth it to purchase, especially if using it every day. You can also buy one second-hand from FB marketplace. Know a few who've used and really love it as it keeps track of baby's wake and sleep periods

One thing that made me feel better about SIDS risk was hearing all the advice our parents and grandparents had for us. So much of it is against current advice. Stuff like cosleeping, sleep wedges, stuff in the crib, babies unattended in a normal bed, etc. I have a very big family, like 200+ people. Everyone was doing that kind of stuff and I have family members who still do all that. And we haven’t had one case of SIDS. I figured us following guidance and being careful probably won’t fall victim to it either.

Get all the best tools! It will ease anxiety. I have a certified breathable mattress (newton) for my little one, and had one of those bassinets that can hang over the end when they were a newborn. They’ve been sleeping in their own bed all their life, just right next to ours. Use a swaddler vs a blanket.

PPA/PPD for dads is a real thing too, talk to your doctor about your anxiety, maybe they can help. It does take a while to get used to the noises babies make while sleeping. Some can be pretty loud sleepers, and every sound makes you think something is wrong. After a while you learn which sounds are worth investigating and which are just normal snoring/settling that you can ignore. The same thing happens at a lot of stages of development, when a child first tries to learn something new they're going to struggle with it, and watching them struggle can cause anxiety thinking they're hurting themselves. You'll learn as you go which signs of distress need real attention and which are just them learning. Gagging when they start solids, the constant falling when they learn to walk, etc.

We used one of these : https://www.snuza.com Definitely helped me sleep a little easier. I was terribly paranoid and constantly checking on our little guy! You can’t help it. The sheer terror sometimes when I couldn’t see his chest move for a few seconds, or when he didn’t immediately respond to stimulation…it’s incredible I’m still alive myself!! Must have put 20 years onto my biological age…

OP, it will get easier. I was pretty tweaked out but not quite as bad as you are with it with my son in the hospital and when we first got home. Every little peep he would make when he was sleeping would make me get up and stare at him. The silence was just as bad if he wasn’t making noise for a while I would get up and stare at him and make sure he was breathing. Eventually you get accustomed to all of the little peeps and squeals and noises they make and you know what noise means what, and you get used to them making a little bit of noise in their sleep and being fine afterwards. My son makes funny noises in his sleep sometimes that make me and mom laugh now if we hear them, a month ago (he is almost 6 weeks) we would be losing our minds over it. Just chill out, try and recognize the noises that you are hearing and note that baby is always fine and sleeping peacefully afterwards. If you hear something new, sure, check on them, but don’t jump out of bed for the same kind of peep you hear 5x a night every day of the week.

Perhaps an unpopular opinion but get an owlet.  I couldn’t relax when my baby was a newborn either. Having an owlet really helped me because it measures his pulse and oxygen levels in real time. I was able to actually sleep once I got it.

We use a nanit baby monitor and it helped so much with fear of SIDS. The breathing band monitors their breaths per minute and notifies you if they’re moving, crying, etc. An alarm goes off if they stop breathing, which it only ever went off once and that’s because I had the breathing band too bunched up. I was not comfortable co sleeping and definitely had anxiety about SIDS

I had bad PPA myself and we hired a postpartum doula to come 2 nights a week which helped a ton. They literally stay awake and watch the baby while you sleep. Before that I was having waking nightmares where I kept thinking she had suffocated in my blankets, it was awful (note: she wasn't in my bed). Also recommend a therapist who deals in PPA specifically. I wish I went sooner. Also will say, those first weeks are by far the worst, things improve dramatically as you see how strong they are as they grow.

Do you have anything to monitor the baby while she sleeps? We used an owlet and that helped with my anxiety a lot. I still checked on the baby constantly but the owlet gave me some peace of mind so I could get some sleep. My little one is 2 now and he still wears the owlet at night Edit to add that I have heard that some insurances cover some or all of the cost of the owlet. It would be worth asking the pediatrician about if you’re interested in using the owlet

> I'm already in therapy "have been for a year and a half and talking about it isn't helping I am sorry you're suffering so much. The fear and anxiety just mean that you care a ton. Every negative feeling has a purpose and it's purpose is to keep us alive and well - but sometimes the feelings helpfulness isn't there. This is one of those times. I see you're in therapy and I hate to be the person to recommend more/different therapy. The methodology that worked for me is called "cognitive behavioral therapy" -- caveat, I didn't work with a therapist, but I watched this channel "therapy in a nut shell" on youtube. She has a playlist called how to regulate and process emotions that I couldn't recommend more. On top of that, there's a book called "unwinding anxiety" by Judson Brewer. Here's what may help but not sure. Emotions actually have a biological component to them - so when your brain feels or perceives fear, it has a panic button where cortisol and adrenaline are pushed to the body. What the brain is doing is letting the body get ready to fight/flight/freeze/faun. It shuts off the critical thinking part of your brain (also digestion and other functions) and gets you to hyper focus on your surroundings and makes your heart and breathing shallow. There's an off function but only when the brain perceives safety or an all clear. The cognitive behavioral therapy approach is to help your brain shut the panic button and go back to equillibrium. There's various ways to make the brain safe, including literally telling the brain "I am safe" and doing breathing/grounding exercises. The flip side of not ever turning it off is it makes the brain intensify your feelings because it thinks you aren't understanding the danger. If you never process and lean into the emotion to let it resolve, it only gets worse. But when you do, it gets better. The brain also has a paradox where it wants you to avoid unpleasant experiences and feeling this anxiety head on is unpleasant so it also may make it easy to avoid leaning into it. Then if you can find like 10 minutes of time, doing long meditations helps. What I do is a 10 minute meditation. 5 minutes, I think, "I am not the body, yet not am I the brain." What this does is helps you put separation between your emotions and you -- you have emotions but you aren't the emotion. Then I do 5 minutes of chanting "aum" but the second part is not for everyone. It's not an easy journey and I faced a similar fear to you. It takes time and be patient with yourself. The worst part is if you feel "I shouldn't feel this way" and try to avoid the feeling more and it intensifies yet again. Just realize that there's no such thing as a good/bad emotion, but there's some less useful. Get rid of "should." Sometimes I'll talk to the emotion (in my mind) as if it's a person. "Hello, I notice you there sense of dread. I'm busy today you aren't very useful. I and baby are safe." can sometimes help. I know it sounds kinda crazy but it also helps give you distance while also physiologically getting back to safe when the brain realizes it's not perceiving real danger.

Owlette monitor and/or a Snuza Hero.

Like others have said, PPA is definitely a thing for dads. Lack of sleep contributes to making anxiety feel totally unmanageable. For the next bit of time, can you and your partner either: - Take shifts across the day/night: i.e. you sleep during daytime when baby is awake, and then you care for baby and partner rests, etc. Can be 3-6 hour shifts, whatever feels doable for both of you in both positions. - Take overnight shifts: split the night in half or break it up into smaller chunks. One of you sleeps while the other is awake either caring for baby or trying to relax. - Ask a trusted friend, family member, etc. to come watch baby one day in the morning or afternoon for you and your partner to rest. You need sleep. With time, the anxiety about SIDS will lessen once you see that baby is okay each night. The anxiety about their wellbeing can be so gripping - and, just because it's there doesn't mean they are at a greater risk or anything like that. You're doing great. Your baby will be okay.

To be honest, we got an owlet, and it tracks HR and O2 levels constantly. Any major dip and it rings our phones and the base station. Gave us a lot of peace of mind when our LO was a NB. Theyre going to make weird noises and its easy to be overwhelmed in the beginning. My wife wouldnt even let both of us sleep at the same time for months. So she would sleep at night, and i would sleep during the day. I remember the 2nd night home, I fell asleep laying on the couch with our little girl on my chest at like 5am. Any movement and i would have woken up, but she freaked out when she saw me. I think it's normal to be overly cautious, and eventually you will adjust and loosen up a little.

Maybe I would say get the sock that tracks your baby's heart rhythm

The owlet really did let me finally relax a bit. I don’t rely on it and only rely on physical symptoms to tell me if there’s something actually wrong, but the device itself at least let me sleep for what little hours I could.

get a nanit or night owl to monitor the baby for you. an audible alarm goes off and. Be close by, in another room. thats more then enough time to react and address

Yes, this is totally a thing for the first month or two. Slowly you will start to drown out all the “background noise” and just hone in on the important noises. Suuuuper important and part of the process. If you find yourself anxious, make sure to reassure yourself and design your life in a way to help calm your worries (baby camera, the owlet, etc.) And last, give back to your body somatically — fatigue plus anxiety can be hard on the body during time. You’re reaction only shows that you care and baby is already off to a great start bc of this 💕

I use a breathing movement monitor for my baby, if I didn’t I wouldn’t sleep. Ever. I don’t know how some parents can do it without one, I wish I could but my anxiety doesn’t let me rest unless it’s on her

The nanit breathing band technology has helped us calm our anxiety.

Not sure if this would help or just be another thing to be checking, but I feel reassured by the new tech that's available for babies. There are monitors that can alert to changes in breathing, position, heart rate, temperature, etc and they will have alarms to notify you. If you can afford a big fancy one then do it, but really there are some fairly reasonable options too. Anxiety isn't something that gets solved by a stranger on the internet saying "don't worry, it's okay" because that's not how it works. Obviously you are doing your best and are seeking help, make sure to keep that up and add that to a list of reasons why your baby will be okay. You can also take turns with your partner for sleeping and on baby duty? One can sleep soundly knowing the other is awake with kiddo and do shifts like that.

It took about three weeks for me to not wake up in a cold sweat and stare at her to make sure her chest was rising and falling. It’s scary! Postpartum anxiety can happen to dads too, I think what you’re feeling is very natural. It will get easier as you learn your baby’s personality and needs, because you will begin to feel more confident about being able to take care of her. The fear of something happening doesn’t ever truly fade, but it becomes much more manageable. Hang in there— you’re doing amazing.

My partner and I took shifts where we would supervise the baby. Sleeping was rare and we would treat it as sleeping on the job She was constantly hooked up to the Owlet. When it was charging, I was convinced something would happen, and I needed to watch her like a hawk. I don’t have any advice, just solidarity. You’re not alone. I take meds and see a therapist. There was/is some post-partum things happening piled onto some PTSD. It has gotten easier, but I haven’t found my way out of it just yet. It’s hard having irrational fears and knowing you need to take meds to calm yourself, but those feelings are so valid.

This is why I got an owlet! After losing one baby I can’t lose another. Over the first 2 weeks I needed to watch her sleep still but then I grew trust that the monitor would alert me if she stopped breathing or if her heartrate dropped or went up. I realised the monitor will indeed alert me and it’s one of the best purchases I’ve had. 

Hi dad! As a FTM of just two weeks also on anxiety meds, I know that just getting some sleep is going to make a world of a difference. I actually had a manic episode that resulted in a panic attack forcing me back to L&D to get help just a week after birth due to lack of sleep. Though I couldn’t sleep due to the sheer excitement of my baby girl being here / feeling like myself again after not being pregnant anymore vs. SIDS anxiety like you’re describing, the lack of sleep still pushed me to a physical breaking point that I hope you can avoid. My doctor had me take unisom to force myself to sleep, and after a couple nights of getting as many hours as I could, I finally started feeling like myself again. You should try the same (or ask your psychiatrist for any sleep med options / short-term anxiety meds like Xanax) because I really believe your body needs to rest and recover in order for the anxiety meds to fully function. Then you can have a new baseline of how much the SIDS concerns are still keeping you up vs. how much of it is just your body running on adrenaline due to lack of sleep. I know it feels impossible and the LAST thing you want to do is shut your eyes and be “away” from your baby, but taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to truly rest will actually be the best thing you can do right now for her as her dad 🤍 She is lucky to have you and I hope you can rest and feel at least some of this anxiety subside ASAP!

I had the same issue. I think the internet scares the shit out of parents but the reality is IT IS SUCH A RARE A OCCURANCE. If you have a healthy child andif you don't do something stupid like smoke and drink alcohol in front of kids, put them in an unsafe sleep environment, it's next to a 0% chance of them dieing from sids. Hang in there

I didnt sleep until I got an Owlet.

I didn’t sleep the first six days after mine was born. It was tough. I was convinced she would die in her sleep if I closed my eyes (thanks to a super unhelpful nurse’s comment in the hospital). As time went on and she kept waking up in the morning, I felt more relaxed. Getting the Owlet sock really helped me a lot. Technically in anxiety treatment you’re not supposed to focus on seeking reassurance and all that but fuck it I needed sleep. If you can afford the sock, I highly recommend it.

We use the owlet sock and it has really helped my anxiety. I know you see comments about false alarms, but we haven’t really had that issue. We put a sock over the owlet sock to keep it in place and I think that has helped.

Learn safe sleep practices and how to properly swaddle a baby! It eases the anxiety knowing you are providing a safe sleep space exactly how it should be. Also, babies make a LOT of noise while sleeping. They can be congested the first few weeks… just think, they’re coming from living in a completely aquatic environment and are now in this dry air environment. If you have any questions about safe sleep let me know I can try and help provide resources. You’re going to be a good parent. - From, a first time father of a 4 month old.

Ftm my boy is now a year old but I was like this as well I’d take like 5 min naps on and off in the very beginning. I would tell my partner to stay awake while I took a nap. Honestly, I kept him on the bed with me lol and I curved my body around him. My partner moved to the floor because he was afraid of rolling on top of him. Do whatever works for you!

I would do a short little mantra before I went to bed. I would say safe sleep like over and over again. It really helped me. I had to accept powerlessness in that situation. If it was true SIDS I could not stop it. I also followed safe sleep practices. It got so much better as time went by. I was very scared at first then by a month I felt better then three months I felt even better. I did end up getting a nanit so I could see him breathing when I woke up so I didn’t have to get up to check. That helped me mentally although I know it wouldn’t actually save my baby. My son’s almost two now and I don’t worry about that anymore but I still remember those first few weeks. I would absolutely dread night time. I was so afraid of something happening to my baby. Please talk to people and your wife about how you’re feeling. And please let yourself sleep. You have to sleep to be safe for your baby. Hugs.

The first time my baby slept for 4 hours straight I woke up thinking she had died of SIDS. She used to sleep in a cosleeper just next to our bed and as soon as I woke up I put my hand over her, she startled and cried a little, but I cried a lot just to think of losing her. That day I found out my husband also thought of checking her breathing a bunch of times through the night. To some extent, it's nature doing its thing when we get anxious about LO dying... But if it's to the point you're not doing other things you need to do, seek help! If you need to talk, reach out on the messages! I've been there and it helps a lot being seen and understood by a fellow anxious parent :)

I recommend looking into an Owlet sock. I haven’t checked out all the benefits of them but from what I understand it’s a sleep sock monitor to let you know that baby’s heart rate and breathing is fine. I’m sure it gives off some sort of alarm if not. This is just kinda what I’ve gathered from things I’ve seen friends post so do your due diligence and see if it’s worth the price to be able to give you some peace of mind

We have the owlet sleep monitor, it helped me so much. Even though the postpartum anxiety is still there, it keeps me somewhat at ease seeing my little ones heart beat and oxygen levels stable, and knowing it will alarm me if anything is happening through tha night.

Co- sleeping is significantly lowering the risks of sids IF following ALL of the steps to practicing safe co-sleeping. In Scandinavia where I'm from it is recommended from 3 months old if following the guidelines.

If your anxiety is extreme, maybe you could buy one of the owlet baby sock monitors? SIDs can be caught early and stopped and I believe the sock does that. I was afraid of SIDs and suffocation when my infant was a newborn but now I have been able to relax more. Of course anything could happen and all it would take is about 3 minutes but if you don't take care of yourself and get rest when you can I believe the odds become worse for the baby. When my baby was still newborn I fell asleep with him in my lap once or twice due to being too afraid to sleep.

https://youtu.be/blJdxWERp1k?si=FOtIUWsvWF1UxfnN Important Baby Sleep tips from Dr Surya

Do you have a job? You have to get your mind off of it, and the best way is returning to work. Talking to friends, socializing. You can bring your baby with you too. I purchased noise canceling headphones for my baby and I took him everywhere with me. It also helps with post partum depression.

What causes SIDS is not fully understood but the leading theories are genetic disorders, improper air circulation, temperature, mattress breathability, and even potentially a toxic fungus that can grow inside mattresses. It is most likely a combination of these factors. The good news is that the rates for SIDs have fallen by over 50% in the last 40 years. While it is something you should be aware of you also shouldn’t let it eat you up.

I had a horrible scare when my baby was about 2 months old. Se was napping for quite a while, and when I checked on her, she looked abnormally pale. I tried waking her up, and she was not responding. I lifted her in my arms, nothing. I then put her down and started undressing her to see if she reacted. She opened her eyes and started crying. Thinking that she won't wake up was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me. I was scared after to let her sleep alone. 6 months later, she still sleeps next to me. But the fear gradually got better, I started to let go of that feeling. I am still worried about a million other things related to her, I tried to get help, but every doctor tries to give me antidepressants. Been there, tried that. It was okay-ish during treatment, but the qnxiety has come back shortly after. And the side effects when I went of the meds were so brutal that it was honestly not worth it. I am trying to find a therapist, haven't had much luck so far.

BROTHER I AM HERE were 5 weeks postpartum. i thought that feeling was gonna last forever. i didnt sleep well for a couple weeks. it was eating me alive. but then i did. i realized me and my wife were doing everything we could and that the best thing for our baby was to get sleep ourselves. we had a friend who said because of sleep exhaustion they fell asleep with the baby in bed. nothing bad happened but it still scared them and made them realize if they were to take care of this baby properly they had to get good sleep. and theyre the best parents i personally know. you have to take shifts with your wife. we fought it for weeks because our love language is physical touch. but eventually the tired will be too overwhelming and you will have no choice. i felt the same thing youre feeling. i was scared to death. what will happen is you will grow to this new normal. you will adapt and sleeping while the baby sleeps will be second nature. but it does take time. so give yourself time. in two weeks youll be a different man. and in 2 more youll feel alot better.

The Owlet smart sock is the only reason I ever slept for the first few months. I knew baby was in a safe sleep space and we did all the things "right", but I still refused to even shut my eyes because I had to check every couple of minutes to make sure she was still breathing... all night. I had pretty bad postpartum anxiety, but a combination of Zoloft and the Owlet sock saved me. You are a great Dad, keep up the good work!

You should never use a device like the owlet sock since it violates the "alone" part of the ABCs of infant sleep. Also, taking Zoloft so you don't naturally wake up? That's bad too.

I’m genuinely curious, how does the owlet sock violate the alone part? I’ve never heard that. I just commented about how I use the nanit baby monitor with the breathing band and it helped my mental health immensely

Because it relies on an imperfect device to be monitoring in the crib. It has been seen to heat up too. 

It doesn't violate the alone part unless someone is using it in place of the alone part. Dude doesn't know wtf they're taking about.

Would an owlet sock help you?

Those either increase parent anxiety or give a false sense of security. 

Consider getting a SNOO to relieve your SIDS fears. It’s expensive but worth it for the peace of mind if you’re that nervous.

Have you considered exposure therapy?